Black or white, I see. Ok, well, in that particular case. I think you’re very intuitive and the fact that you realized that it’s not like his personality will change. He can make all the promises in the world but generally in my experience, people don’t change unless something massive happens to them. So, in order for him, in order for your arguments to go a little bit smoothly, I think in that case, he’s avoiding taking care of the children or seeing the children because it is a hard job. It can be tiring. I can kind of sympathize with him a little bit because there’s times when Jen wants me to be with the family and I come with the family but sometimes I’ll sit there and think, “Oh man, I wish out working or I wish I was doing this.”
So, I think in your case and this is what Jen does to me sometimes and it always sets me straight is, making him watch the kids and you having a hard line. Because if you can put him through action and let him experience what you’re experiencing every single day, he will have a different way of looking at things. He will replace his values so to speak because guilt is an amazing thing. And you need to probably use it if you want some of the arguments to change in your favor a little bit because what’s happening is he’s got no guilt when he goes out with his guy friends to watch a movie for example. So, in your mind, you’re thinking that’s not fair because I’m here having to watch the kids, that’s such a tough job. You’re out with your friends having fun. That’s not fair.
Maybe in the moment, there’s nothing you can do insight massive change within him but maybe going forward consistently leave the children in his care and make him watch them. So, he can understand the value of what you are doing and then going forward, he will start to feel guilty any time he makes this crazy statements where he’s going to go out and have fun with his friends. He’ll think in the back of his mind, “Oh wait. No, That’s bad because I’m leaving her.” If he cares about you, he will feel guilt because he’s leaving you in charge of the kids. Not that that’s hard for you or anything. You’re clearly born to do it.
You’re amazing at what you do. You’re an amazing mother and everything like that but he’ll feel guilty because he’s not helping out. So, I think in order to create the massive change with the arguments that you want, I don’t think necessarily, it’s a function getting the arguments to stop. I’m sorry. I don’t think it’s the function of not having arguments. I think arguments are just 39:06 . They’re going to happen. I think it’s sort of how can you get stupid arguments like that to stop because you’re clearly in the right and he’s clearly on the wrong from where I’m sitting. What do you think?
Corey Moody
February 13, 2021 at 11:59 pm
I’ve been with a woman for 10 years we have been separated since September. We have three kids together I love her more now and I have ever I would really like to talk to you maybe get some ideals how to get her back I have three kids involved she works at a Furniture Factory she really spend more time with her coworkers I have got a lot of stuff wrong to the woman over the last few years
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 17, 2021 at 3:39 pm
Hi Corey, you need to follow the limited no contact during this time and make sure that you focus on you and the children for now. While you admit to wrong doing on your part, I can imagine that there was the same on the other half if she spends more time at work than home. I would suggest that you read some more articles to help you through the program, this is one article that can help you – https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-to-get-your-ex-back-when-you-have-a-child-with-them/
Monique
July 5, 2017 at 1:13 pm
My ex and i live together and we’re on and off for 4 years. We have a 4 month old. I used this website before when we were long distant because he moved. But when the last visit we broke up and I got pregnant. Now we both moved to a state with barely any family and the only people I know are his friends. We tried to make I work but we argue a lot since the baby and he brings up our past problems a lot. He says he loves me but every time things are good it’s cause we are friendly but the second intimacy or affection comes in it goes bad. And that’s because he rarely showed it I got used to it and being the pun of his jokes with friends. I tried looking to see if anything was close to my situation but has no luck. It’s hard to do the no contact when I’m a stay at home mom .i convinced him for us to build our friendship up again to better our relationship . I want this to work not only for me but for my daughter. We went into this wanting a family that’s together for her. Chris what should I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 5, 2017 at 6:37 pm
Hi Monique,
Check this one:
EBR 027: What To Do If You Live With Your Ex Boyfriend
M L
June 12, 2017 at 11:59 am
It really hit home what you said about “superhero syndrome” and on another page about the madonna vs. whore complex.
One of the difficulties my ex and I had was that I was much more mature than him (I’m older by 1.5 years but sometimes you’d think it was 10 years). For example I live alone and take all the responsibilities that comes with that, but he’s in a flatshare. He wasn’t very experienced with cooking, so I’d just do it all when he was at mine.
During the break up he accused me of having a lot of expectations and I didn’t understand what he was talking about then – I thought it was hysterical nonsense. But now I see I was mothering him a bit when I should have given him responsibilities. I didn’t realise how that was affecting our relationship, but he must have felt emasculated, especially since he was unemployed at the time. Looking back, he actually was willing to learn.
Helen
June 2, 2017 at 7:15 pm
Me and my boyfriend have just split up last week. Had an enormous argument about him drinking too much and going out with the guys every weekend whilst I stay home looking after out 9 week old baby (complete jerk right?!) thing is he’s my baby’s father and feel I owe it to her to try and make our relationship work. I’ve used your website in the past and find the no contact rule simple yet pure genius and it worked a treat… now however we have to be in regular contact for the sake of him seeing our daughter so I’m completely lost?! How do I make him miss me when he knows exactly where I am (at home with the baby) and feels he can contact me when ever or how ever much/ little as he likes?
I was hoping to find some answers on your link about exs with children but I can’t find anything relevant. Just the transcript but no actual advice or tips- unless I’m missing something? I am pretty sleep deprived at the moment!
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 2, 2017 at 7:57 pm
that means you need to take care better care for yourself.. I know it’s hard with a baby…So, you have to seek help from friends and relatives.. not just for trying to get him back but for yourself..and try this one too:
Here’s How To Get Your “Baby Daddy” Back