It’s come to my attention recently that many people don’t know how they should talk to an ex.
So, in this article, I put together the ultimate guide on how to do just that.
Really, it boils down to answering these two questions:
- What do you want?
- And how are you going to get there?
But first, if you are new to Ex Boyfriend Recovery, I highly suggest you take a few moments to complete the Ex Recovery Chances Quiz. Basically, it’s a quiz that will reveal your chances of getting your ex back.
You can take the quiz by clicking the button below:
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWhat Do You Want?
So, what is it that you want when you talk to your ex?
Do you want to get them back or are you simply looking for some closure?
Believe it or not, most people do not know what they ultimately want when they talk to an ex.
So, my recommendation to people experiencing that limbo of uncertainty is to do some soul searching and truly think about the answer to this question before the conversation begins.
Honestly, figuring out WHAT you want out of a conversation with an ex should be the easy part.
Creating a plan or a strategy to GET what you want is the difficult part.
For Those Who Want Their Ex Back
Over the past decade, I’ve helped countless clients get over their exes and win their exes back.
This article is for those who want their exes back. And for those in this camp – you are in luck! After years of testing a multitude of strategies and observing what works, we are confident we have come up with the most effective strategy to re-attract an ex.
Simply put, re-attracting an ex happens one conversation at a time. So, let’s explore the types of conversations you need to have with your ex if you want to get them back – in other words, how you should be talking to them.
How To Have Conversations With Your Ex
“A man who does not plan long ahead will find trouble at his door.” – Confucius
I think we can all agree on the wisdom of Confucius. Yet, so often people jump into conversations with their ex and hope for reconciliation but have no plan for how to achieve it.
Luckily for you, I have done the planning for you.
If you have watched the ExBoyfriend Recovery YouTube channel or spent time on the website, you have likely heard me mention the Value Ladder and the Value Chain.
It’s best to think of these two terms as an ultimate blueprint, guide, or plan for having conversations with your ex and even getting them back.
The Value Ladder is essentially the methods of communication you have with an ex. While the Value Chain is the types of conversations you have with an ex. Let’s start by talking about the Value Ladder.
Value Ladder
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWhen I present the idea of the Value Ladder to clients, I tell them to think of it as an actual ladder they need to climb to re-attract an ex. After a breakup, they are at the bottom of the ladder and winning them back is the top.
Now, in order to climb the ladder, there are certain ways to communicate with an ex – and not all ways or types of communication are created equal. For instance, we communicate differently through text, phone conversations, video chats, and in person. You can see how each of these methods of communication would carry a different value when it comes to developing a relationship.
Here’s an example.
If done correctly, an in-person conversation with an ex can be more powerful than a text conversation. Notice how I said, if done correctly. I say this, because the biggest mistake most people make when using a strategy, like the No Contact Rule, is skipping a step and jumping right to an in-person conversation with an ex before building up their “value”.
So, when I say look at the Value Ladder as a literal ladder that you’re climbing to get an ex back, think of each step as an opportunity to enhance your value and also up the value of the method of communication.
Here’s what the Value Ladder looks like in when it comes to communicating with an ex ….
Step 1 – Text your ex. Spend time building up as much value as possible in this phase.
Step 2 – Call, Skype, or FaceTime your ex. Build up more value.
Step 3 – Meet in person with your ex. Keep it short and unromantic. Go for a cup of coffee. Build more value.
Step 4 – Go on a date. This is where the romance begins to flicker, but you do not ask them out just yet. You’re building more value.
Step 5 – Go on an extremely romantic date with your ex, pull out all the stops, and ask them back out.
Essentially, you’re climbing the ladder towards your goal.
Now, the mistake that most people make is they climb the ladder too fast without building enough value on each step of the Value Ladder. I get it, you’re eager to build value. But, how do you build value? That’s where the Value Chain comes into play.
Building Value Through The Value Chain
You cannot build value with an ex – meaning, rapport or any type of attraction – without conversation.
Specifically, you should be having five different types of conversations with your ex, otherwise known as the Value Chain, to build value with an ex as you climb the ladder to win them back.
Five Types Of Conversations
Small Talk – The types of conversation you can have with anyone that are not too personal and more superficial in nature.
Telling Stories – Stories are often shared with friends or coworkers that you feel some level of comfort and familiarity. You would not, for example, tell a complete stranger a random story.
Sharing Opinions – Opinions are somewhat more personal, so these types of conversations usually only happen between you and people you trust.
Virgin Ground – This is a conversation over something you have never told anyone and your ex reciprocates with a similar secret.
Sharing Feelings – An intimate conversation where you expose your true feelings for your ex and they reciprocate.
Essentially, these conversations build and progress in a similar way as the Value Ladder.
You begin at the bottom of the chain with small talk and try to progress your way up to sharing your feelings with an ex, while using different methods of communication.
But how do you know it’s OK to move up to the next step in the Value Chain?
Well, a good rule of thumb is that it is OK to progress when your ex reciprocates or even adds value themselves.
Ahh, but there’s still one small fly in the ointment here. What happens if things do not progress according to the plan?
When Plans Go Awry
“Plans are of little importance, but planning is essential.” – Winston Churchill
Sometimes, no matter how hard you plan – no matter how much you think through the conversation you will have with an ex – things may not go according to plan. For whatever reason, things don’t work out as you envisioned.
When this happens, it’s important to keep the big picture in mind – your overall game plan and not the specifics. Because, in the end, we have found that organic conversations are most affective. This way, nothing seems forced or planned, and things progress naturally through the phases.
A Personal Story
Let me tell you a story. When I was in college, I took a Biology class, which basically consisted of three hours of lecture every week. As you can imagine, Biology was not my cup of tea and I was bored out of my mind. I would entertain myself by scoping out the girls in the class.
One day, I noticed a cute girl across the room, and it wasn’t long before my daydreams centered around me asking her out. There was just one problem. I was a massive coward and too afraid to make a move.
What’s interesting is that we shared a friend. My new crush’s friend was a girl I knew from high school who also happened to be in our Biology class. Every day, this friend would say hello to me, because we knew each other. Still, I was too cowardly to strike up a conversation with my crush. That is, until my best friend called me out and urged me to come up with a plan to speak to my new crush.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizSo, I spent a few days coming up with my strategy. My plan was simple – it just required some courage. I would wait outside of our Biology class next week and, when I saw my crush and this high school friend, I would strike up a conversation and see what happens. I would ask them a question together and get them both involved in the conversation.
The more I practiced and rehearsed this scenario in my head, the more confidence I gained. I was ready.
A week passed and there I stood, outside of our Biology class, waiting for the girls to arrive. I thought it would be creepy for me to simply sit next to them, since I never sat there before. But the unexpected happened.
It was minutes before the start of class and the girls hadn’t arrived yet. Then, just before class began, my crush appeared. The only problem was she was alone – her friend was not with her. I froze and let her walk right by me.
To say I was disappointed is an understatement. My plan was blown, but I could hear my best friend urging me to go for it. So, I did probably the creepiest thing possible. I gathered my things up, walked across the classroom, asked “is this seat taken?” and sat right next to her.
I could see the look of horror on her face. I tried striking up a conversation with her by saying that we went to the same high school, but I could tell the interaction just didn’t feel natural and she was getting more creeped out by the moment.
Be Authentic And Adaptable
Needless to say, it didn’t work out with this girl. I took the wrong approach, for sure. But it did teach me an important lesson in life — no matter how much you plan, there is no guarantee things will work out the way you expect.
If only I had thought of a more natural contingency plan – a plan b — because so many things went wrong that I did not anticipate. Her friend wasn’t with her and I let her walk right by me into the classroom. Instead, I should have caught up with her after class to make a snarky remark about the boring class.
This form of small talk tends to be a more acceptable or natural way to approach a stranger in the Value Ladder.
But I didn’t have an organic conversation with this girl, I had a forced one.
She could tell it wasn’t a natural conversation, and as a result it created distance between us.
So, if you want to know how you should talk to your ex to get them back, my advice is to be authentic.
It is of vital importance that you let things progress naturally up the Value Ladder and Value Chain. Sure, you can plan the broader strokes of what you want to do and have a strategy.
It’s important to know where you want to go in your relationship with an ex. But, don’t plan specific conversations, because more times than not things will not go exactly as planned.
Maura
January 12, 2022 at 7:45 pm
I am ending no contact with my ex that has lasted longer then it needed to. He is now in a rebound relationship and seems to be very happy but it is moving very quickly. We go to the same college and have all the same classes together this coming semester that’s starts in a week. Because of this I feel like I need to go right into talking to him in person and not start with a texting phase given the situation. Any suggestions on how to start talking to him again. His guard will deffinitly be up.
Hannah Jones
November 30, 2021 at 7:32 am
Hi, I have read a lit of your stuff now and listened to some of your videos. I’m day 8 of no contact and I’m feeling stronger and have managed walks on the beach, playing a foitball game and other stuff for myself. My ex is 2 years post divorce, I’m his first girlfriend although he had dates before me, we lasted 9 months. He has a lot on his mind
His ex is ill with mental health, he works full time and in the last month his 2 children are back living with him full time, he also has an undiagnosed illness. He said he feels like he has neglected me and can’t commit. Is there any chance I can pursue this as it doesn’t really fall into the same flow as a lot of your topics.
Thank you
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 7, 2021 at 6:11 pm
Hey Hannah, so essentially what your guy is telling you right now that you will not be able to be a priority in his life with the way things are turning out for him. Respectfully he wants to be the best father he can be along with everything else in his life. I would suggest that if you want to try to get this guy back that you follow the 21 day NC and in that time be sure that you want him back knowing that you will not be coming first for sometime, if ever.
Shubhangi
June 29, 2021 at 10:05 am
Hi. My 1 year long boyfriend ( exclusive relationship but not committed) and I broke up due to my own insecurities from past and combining his own. 1 month after breakup i texted him a meme and he responded very quickly. Had a short chat about our jobs. Then 1 week later I texted to tell him that I am changing job and that I am going to shift nearer to his place due to that. We discussed about general topics. He asked me my opinion on which phone to purchase. And then I said goodnight as it was late. He said that we will continue our discussion but then never texted back. How long should I wait before texting him again and how to peak his interest in texting?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
July 4, 2021 at 11:03 pm
Hey Shybhangi, there are many videos and articles to help you with the texting, be sure to look up Chris method of tide theory and read as many articles as you can about texting your ex.
A
January 4, 2021 at 7:10 pm
Hello, My bf of nearly a year broke up with me unexpectedly month and a half ago. We didn’t argue. He said he was not feeling right and just want to concentrate on himself (covid situation did not help!). I said ok,no begging or crying. We have exchanged few messages about it a week later when he gave me some idea why he feels the way he feels. Again I said,ok,good luck. He then messaged me another week later to again explain and apologise and asked if we could go cafe soon just as mates. I again said no worries,yeah we can at some point. I then applied no contact for 4 weeks and only contacted him just after Christmas to ask how he was.the response was positive. We exchanged quite lengthy messages,but he mainly talked about himself and did not ask me any questions. I did say that walk as friends would be nice as we only can do this in a lockdown and everybody needs a ‘walks buddy’. He said we will do it ‘soon’. We still have each other stuff,including my house key! We then had a joke about his netflix i was still using 3 days later,which i ended on high. Today my fish tank filter broke and he is the only fish geek I know,so i askes him for help in choosing a new filter. He has responded straight away and kept talking to me during his work hours untill he found a good filter. I then thanked him and that it. The convo was longish, but no emojis or anything his side. I have now initiated contact on 3 different occassions and 3 different subjects (all about his interests and actually legit and true resons!) But he has not followed up or bite a bullet to talk further. He is responsive and sometimes uses emojis to then go back to none (he uses alot normally) I worry to message again (4th time) as i do not seem to get him engaged. Should I now wait for him to offer the said walk? Do not want to be too pushy,thank you. To be clear I’d love us to try again,but miss him as a friend too and that’s what I been trying to achieve here. Thanks 🙂 A
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 19, 2021 at 11:13 pm
Hi A, if you have reached out three times are getting responses that is a good sign, you need to just find what is going to get him wanting to talk to you more, read some more articles about texting especially the ones that mention the peak end.
Anne
November 19, 2020 at 8:56 am
Hi,
I am here, reading all your articles and stories… Thank you for all your works!
I would like to ask for some help, advices… I would be glad if someone could tell his/her opinion. Sorry, it will be quite long… but thank you if you read it!!
We had a great relationship with my fiance for 4,6 years. In January we decided to get married and have kids. We have been engaged for 3 years now. Then from March he started to act differently and i realized he was chatting with ladies… He told me he never cheated on me, but it felt good to his ego. Also good to know he lost a lot of weights in the last 3 years, but then he started to be too proud. Of course i am proud at him, but i do not really think checking yourself in the mirrors all the time is healthy… so basically he felt i did not praise him enough. (i did, but he never listened to me…)
I moved out, but he kept calling or visiting me everyday… I know, i should have initiate the No Contact rule… But i did not know anything about that. Then he said he wants us to be together, but nothing happened. I asked only for his time to spend together with me, but no. He was always too busy…
During the summer i moved far away from here, but he kept calling me/ facetime, too. He was very depressed. He posted things on social media, then sometimes he blocked me. I became so angry i broke up with him. I told him it was non-sense.. i was his fiance after all, and not telling me how he feels is bad. Also it seemed he still talked with other ladies… Anyway we were crying , hugging everytime i picked up my stuffs from his place.
After a few weeks i started to chat with a guy, but He somehow figured it out. He became extremely jealous, we met immediately and i was crying. I told him how i love him, but i also have to move on somehow. He said he loved me, too and said he wants to be with me. But then again… nothing happened. Only the daily phone calls. So i told him it is not enough to me. He said okay, we should be friends (with benefits, if i wanted to). But we met only twice in two months… so we discussed it will not work. I asked him directly: do you want a relationship with me or not? He said no. He said he loves me, but no relationship right now, then kissed me. lol.. So i started to talk with other guys and when i got a date i told Him. He became jealous again, blocked me on social media. Then after 3 days he called me like nothing happened. Wished me good luck with the new guy. But then he wanted to meet in person. We talked, he kissed me… So after a few days i asked what he wants from me? Nothing, just friendship. Then after a few weeks he wanted to meet again. On his phone screen there was him with another woman (older one with kids). Of course i became jealous this time, but we were just friends. He said she was just a friend from work, they used to talk alot lately, but yes she is divorcing from her husband now. I told him: great, then you two can be together go on… He said no, he does not want that. He wants me. He wants to get back together with me. I was extremely surprised and happy of course! But then…. we were trying to be together for 3 weeks and during that time he lied 2 times. But why? Once he said he does not have time to meet me because his father is sick – he was not… Then he said he does not have time to meet because he needs to take his mother somewhere – not true. 3 weeks ago i told him i know he told lies and this is the end. He said his mother lied to me about these mentioned things – it was not true either. But we were crying, hugging again then he kissed me and said i love you. After a day i told him okay, look, I love you, i want to be with you, i want to trust you and move back. His replay: he needs time, because it hurts how much i do not trust him. I asked him to call me only when he decides what he wants. But then… he keeps calling me everyday. A few days ago we were talking for an hour. I tried to avoid talking about us. But then he said he misses me, he cannot imagine a day without calling me… we never had a fight, we used to be a dream couple. And yes, we used to be…
Also good to know a few month ago he called me drunk and he admit he used to take some steroids and this is why his emotions changed and he does not know how he feels toward everyone.
I changed alot, lost weights, became the best and sexiest look i can be. However i still love Him and can forgive everything He did. He was a very good man.
His friends and family also say he acts very differently, disrespectful, closed, also lies to them, when they ask him about me he says: he does not talk with me anymore and “finally she (me) can understand it is over”. But then… why does he keep calling me? I am trying to be friendly, avoiding the fact that we used to be together and had serious relationship… but this way is not easy to move on. He also says he loves talking with me, the attraction is still there. But then what is that?? What else needed? Why not spending time with me?
What should i do now? I guess he changed 180 degree because of the pills he used to take. But now he acts like a Bipolar. I do not know. I am just very sad, we truly were a dream couple. I am afraid if i start the NC then he will be angry. In September we discussed to do NC, but then he wrote me on day 4. He said he cannot resist.
Or maybe we should just skip the NC and keep talking with him, being nice and sexy, then maybe he will ask me out again and give it a serious another chance??
Sorry it was very long. Thank you in advance for all the help!!
Best wishes!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 20, 2020 at 6:37 pm
Hi Anne, I’m sorry to say that you 110% need to go into a No Contact and stop speaking with this guy! He knows he can have you if he wants you and the fact he calls you every day is him just keeping you open to being with him while he decides that he feels he wants to do with his life. You need to shut off all contact and focus on yourself. You say you have read the articles here, I think you should re read some and realise that you are allowing this man to treat you poorly right now! Stick with a 45 day no contact and do not break it for any reason.
C
August 2, 2020 at 2:18 pm
Hi Chris,
I’m thinking of writing a handwritten accountability letter to my ex, do you think this a good idea? This is so I can breakdown the problems we encountered in our relationship and list potential solutions.. Then if he responds, I will start to text him a few short and thoughtful texts.
Or should I go straight into texts? This seems strange to me if we haven’t talked for some time.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
August 3, 2020 at 8:10 pm
Hi C, we do not suggest writing letters to your ex it does not help you getting them back, and yes go straight into texting after a no contact period. I think you need to read some texting articles before you reach out though
Jill
March 20, 2020 at 3:06 pm
Hi Chris, Ive come to the end of the no contact period with a guy I work with, Ive been very good with maintaining no contact eventhough he wanted to stay friends and has tried to chat to me at work. I maintained the no contact and now ive come to the end ive allowed for a little bit of interaction but im finding it hard to not be awkward or get internally upset. Its hard because one of the main reasons he broke things off was because I had become quite hard to talk to, i was pushing him away but i couldnt stop myself because i have mental health issues and i couldnt control my emotions, i would get angry and frustrated and just block him out eventhough i didnt want to. Anyway Ive read all your info and im going to try follow it, I just wondered if youve any additional advice on how to avoid falling into friendzone, could i make it worse for myself?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 20, 2020 at 10:20 pm
Hi Jill so you just make sure that you flirt with your guy, but pull back and make him question if he can still have you, and then flirt again making him think he can. This will get him interested in you. Make sure you are following the texting phase outside of work so that you can build rapport
Christina
March 2, 2020 at 6:40 am
Hi, I texted my ex that I’d seen someone like in a fair and if that was him. He replied back with that he’s been in bed for few days. So I went to visit. It was midnight but I couldn’t as he didn’t pick up the phone call. (He didn’t know that beforehand, I’d texted him upon reaching and later called). He called back after an hour but I was already home then. The call got disconnected before we could talk so he followed up with a text ”What’s going on?”. I called him back and then we talked for about an hour over phone until I ran out of credit. He didn’t call back. The following morning, I texted him that I’m coming to visit him but asked me not to, so I asked if he intentionally didn’t pick up the call last night. He says, he wasn’t around and he wouldn’t have called back if that was intentional, however he doesn’t want me to come visit him. I texted back, I won’t if that makes him uncomfortable, and how’s he doing? but he didn’t reply back. Shall I still check up on him or let him be?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 2, 2020 at 10:22 pm
Hi Christina, I am confused what is it you want to achieve? Do you want him back then you need to follow this process starting with the No Contact
Clo
February 26, 2020 at 3:46 am
Hello,
We dated for a few months, a short relationship, and the last few weeks he got very busy and stressed with work (which I think it is genuine) he broke up saying that ‘you deserve someone that has time for you, it’s not that I don’t want to see you it’s just that right now I don’t know when’ I responded saying that he was right and to give me a call when things calm down and he wanted to meet up again and he said ‘thank you for your message, I really appreciate it’ and I went into no contact.
Is there a chance to get him back? Should I reach out after 30 days?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 27, 2020 at 10:42 pm
Hi Clo yes reach out after 30 days with a text that Chris suggests
Anonymous
February 26, 2020 at 3:16 am
Hello,
Me and my girlfriend had been dating for almost 3 years. We are both around 21. We were a match made in heaven. She loved the hell out of me, and even though sometimes I played it cool, I loved her dearly too. We were both pretty set on having a future together. However, in the first month of our relationship, I was dumb and immature and was inappropriately texting another girl overseas. After I did that, I felt so ashamed and disgusted in myself and immediately deleted all contact with that person and devoted myself to my girlfriend. However, she feels strongly about cheating, and this same girl from overseas messaged my girlfriend and told her that we were sexting while I was dating my gf. She confronted me, and we were unable to recover our relationship. She broke up with me the next day. I know she still loves me because up until this incident, she was crazy for me. I still love her and want her to see the changes I made and how special our relationship actually was. I’m almost a day and a half into no contact, but I was thinking of just sending one text apologising and reminding of the good times, saying that I hope we can work through our problems together and rekindle what special relationship we had before. I was also going to mention that I was improving on myself and areas that she had historically pointed out as needing attention. Is this not a good idea? Should I message just a short apology? Not message at all? Message that heartfelt paragraph about wanting to work through our problems and reconnect over coffee after 30 days? Need help…
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 6, 2020 at 10:02 pm
Hi there so no you do not reach out with a heartfelt apology, you reach out with a casual text like Chris suggests, one that is going to get her attention and make her curious to what you are talking about “Guess what I just did!” and focus on somethign that you both always wanted to do or said you would do one day.
Stephany
February 25, 2020 at 6:10 pm
Hello, my ex broke up with me about two months ago, his reasoning for breaking up with me was that he felt he feelings for me became stagnant and that I fell short with important relationships in his life( his two kids and family). Ever since the breakup we have been in contact and have hung out a few times. Even so he still felt that his decision in breaking up with me was the right one. I then decided that it would be best if him and I did not communicate for a while and he agreed to give each other that time and space. I ended up making a new Instagram and posted a new picture of myself, he texted me AFTER we spoke about not being in contact and he said he liked my picture etc. We spoke briefly but he then decided he wanted to tell me have a good night as in cut the conversation short which upset me. After a while I did not answer his texts, because he didn’t understand why I was upset (since he was trying to cut the convo short). Any who I am really trying to do the no contact to see if it will help him realize that he wants to get back with me. What do you suggest I do? We didn’t leave off on the best of terms.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 6, 2020 at 9:29 pm
Hi Stephany, so you need to complete a No Contact where you do not reply to him for 30 days so if you reply to a message from him then you start again from day one. But each time you re start the no contact loses its effectiveness. I would make sure that you show on social media how you are doing well with life and also show interest in children and family activities. If you want him back then you are going to have to have a good relationship with his children otherwise your going to have that strain and probably repeat the break up again.
Kelly
February 23, 2020 at 7:14 pm
Hi. I have been dating a man for 9months. He is divorced and is a great father to his 3 amazing children. Only his two sons know about me, his daughter is only 7 and I didn’t want him to tell his daughter the same way he told his sons (14,12). To add more… he is a 41 yr old man, self made millionaire, has always been amazing to me. As a child his parents got divorced very young and him and his sister got split up, basically both of them endured terrible child abuse, from their parents new partners. He got married at 21, to prove to his parents that he can have a perfect marriage. Well that failed. He has still not gotten over his childhood and the fact that he is a single dad, exactly what he didn’t want to happen. His ex wife ended it. He doesn’t want her back. After a beautiful ski trip at the end of January 2020, he tells me he needs a break some space. Meanwhile I live in NJ and he lives in VA. I was blindsided. I’m still hurt. Why am I getting hurt because of what other people did to him? He told me that I am wonderful, loyal, someone he can trust, I’m the best sex he has ever had. I know the space has everything to do with him. We still talk. I asked him to set up boundaries, he doesn’t. He goes to therapy, but I don’t think he actually works on himself. I have never admired and been so proud to be with a man in my life. I need help. Help for my happiness. Thanks.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 26, 2020 at 10:57 pm
Hi Kelly so with the fact that your ex holds on to his past trauma, even if he is going to therapy he is clearly still struggling so he may struggle to be close to you emotionally so when those feelings grow to a certain point hes pulled back. I would suggest that you take some time in No Contact, and read about the Ungettable Girl. It sounds as if he values work ethic and improving yourself career wise so make sure you are making positive steps that side of your life, he will notice. But working on your Holy Trinity is going to be essential to get this guys attention again
moonlight
February 23, 2020 at 8:04 am
Hi, EBR Team!
So 3 weeks ago my ex broke up with me. It was not bad actually. I stayed all calm(and one of the reasons of him wanting to breakup was that I’m too emotional/sensitive which he found hard to deal with). I sent him one last text to say thank you take care after the breakup talk, which he ignored. I went NC right away.
I picked up a hobby and new makeup, started reading and learning more about myself(my love language and attachment style), lots of journaling, spent time with my family more. Of course I posted all of those on my social media. I was not sure at first if i wanted him back but at the end of my NC I decided I did.
Last night(saturday) I texted him and he didn’t respond until around lunch time today. I got a positive response, we had a short conversation(2~3 messages from each) and I ended it by saying “okay i have to go now. hope you doing well!” and he texted “lol same! *heart emoji*”
So my question is, do you think it went well? or is he just treating me like a friend now? I don’t want to read too much into that heart emoji and get my hopes up lol. Also I don’t know where to go from here now. I remember Chris said I should wait a few days before i start another conversation with him, correct? How should I start the convo?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 3, 2020 at 10:17 pm
Hey moonlight, you are right that you have to give a few days before reaching out again and that would be a similar type of message as your first with a text that he would be interesting in talking about. I think your first conversation went well and shows he is open to talking to you so it is a positive sign that you will get a response next time. Let us know how it all goes
Giada
February 21, 2020 at 4:04 pm
I’m in the “small talk” phase, it seems we’re stuck there… one per week or so, one or two texts, sometimes more but that, small talk and a bit updating about our lives… Only work and a bit more, but nothing about relationships, when he broke up with me he told me he met someone but that it could end up being something or not, he wasn’t sure… Our break up was a mix of being long distance and greener grass, probably. He didn’t mention her anymore, he is the one starting conversations to ask how am I doing, he is super nice but not affectionate, obviosly. He treats me like a friend. The thing is that he hates social media so I can’t play UG to reinforce my work. He had an idealised perception of me and our relationship when we were together but when I came back to my country (I don’t know for how much) and it became a LDR he started to think that I was too attached (I wasn’t, he was) and to have doubts and all. He told me that he didn’t know what he wanted (not only about relationships, he said that he was always changing his mind about plans with friends and things like that and that he has been in that phase for months).
Any advice? I miss him, I want to get him back but I don’t know what to do.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 3, 2020 at 9:10 pm
Hi Giada, so it sounds as if your ex is not willing to work on a long distance relationship is there plans of you being in the same country again? I would suggest that you still work your social media to appear UG as even though eh does not like social media you can still use that to give off the impression you want your ex to have of you and your life while broken up. If you have mutual friends you can talk about how someone has asked you out on a date etc. Just so word gets back to him that he may lose you
Panni
February 20, 2020 at 8:30 am
Hello! I really hope someone answers because i am pretty confused about my relationship. He broke up with me a 2 weeks ago and we have been together for 6 months. He said we don’t have enough chemistry and he loves me so much but not in love with me. He had very strong chemistry with his ex and was in love with her. My problem is that he did not act like he wasn’t in love with me, but i always felt like he had walls up while we were together. It has been a long distance relationship since the beggining we saw eachother every 2 week for like 5 days or so. Lately he went to work abroad so he work for a month and comes back to me for 6 days. He has so much on his plate right now and this breakup came from nothing. Last time we met i felt like this is the best time of our relationship. He told me how important i was and loved every second with me. We had plans together to travel and things like that.After the break up i haven’t heard from him but he already said on the phone the he will come to see me in the weekend to talk. I don’t know what to do or say. I just do not understand this break up at all. Please answer i hope you can help me out.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 20, 2020 at 10:40 pm
Hi Panni so when you are in a relationship with someone at the start it is exciting and fun where the “in love” part happens. But when you have been together for some time and things start falling into patterns and routine. The “in love” feeling dies down and thats when people often find that they feel they are not in love with you like they were at the start. 6 months is not a long term relationship on some levels but your ex seems to have these feelings. If you want your ex back I suggest that you read the Ungettable information and apply that to your life and make sure your ex can see all this through social media and mutual friends
Demi
February 19, 2020 at 9:20 pm
Hi. My Ex broke up with me 4 months ago. I’ve been in no contact for 3 months . I’m continuing to work on my self & planning on reaching out in a couple of months. However my mind is slightly haunted with a few things my ex said to me post break up, whilst I was pleading and begging stage. He was all over the place with his comments, but he did mention that “I wasn’t the girl he had pictured being married too, and that he believed he would be with someone bit louder and extroverted” but then said he wasn’t sure if that is what he wants either.
I’m very confused, as we were together for 2 years, had lots in common and he did have strong feelings for me and said at other times he thought I was the one, so surprised why he said those comments after such a long time? We are both young in our early 20s, and I am the first girl he has seriously been with. So I’m giving him space, and allowing him to “test the waters more”.
I’m just concerned those comments he told me are red flags?
Or in my opinion, they were so other reasons why we broke up (we had started long distance, and both had a few intense months of work ahead of us) so I wonder if he just said these comments to just help himself justify his decision to break up in his mind? Should I give up?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 25, 2020 at 11:40 pm
Hi Demi, so when someone breaks up with their partner they look for reasons that would appear “valid” reason to end things to the other person. So him saying that he imagined himself being with someone louder and extroverted was his way of trying to justify ending the relationship. So while you are broken up and following the No Contact rule make sure you read the Ungettable information and apply this to your life
Depressed
February 18, 2020 at 12:05 am
Hi!
I’m currently taking some time apart from my boyfriend. We have an incredible connection – truly unlike anything I’ve ever had before. The only problem? A few things have happened outside of him and me that have caused a severe depression in him. The past two months I tried so hard to hold on to us and be supportive of him that I began to unravel as well – I became so anxious and really just a mess. It wasn’t doing either one of us any good. I feel like the only way for a future with him is to give him time and space to figure his stuff out. I understand the no contact rule but is that the case for people with depression as well? I don’t want to abandon him. He has texted me every day. I keep it short. We agreed to talk on the phone once a week. I just don’t know what to do. I want to be with him and have it all worked out by tomorrow but I know that won’t happen.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 22, 2020 at 11:36 pm
Hey there, I would recommend that you take some time for yourself so that you start to feel truly better and happier in life before worrying about what you are going to do about your relationship with your ex. When depression takes control of our lives the best thing you can do is work on your relationship with yourself so that you are happy.
jaz
February 17, 2020 at 8:03 am
Hey there, so my ex and i have been broken up for just under 2 months. We stayed in contact regularly but he was always very hot and cold with me, i have tried no contact. So i decided I would cut ties with him a couple days ago, I’m not sure for how long though. I do really want him back but at the moment he wants time alone to figure himself out. What do you suggest I do?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 17, 2020 at 10:18 am
Hey Jaz, I suggest that you do a 30 day No Contact and work on yourself in that time. Read some articles about being Ungettable and how to follow the rules of No contact correctly
Gillian Dalton
February 17, 2020 at 6:23 am
Hey there!
Hope someone answers this.
How long should I be in no contact for? Should I wait for him to contact me before initiating the first texting conversations?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 17, 2020 at 10:19 am
Hey Gillian, so it really depends on the type of break up you have had. If it ended amicably then you do a 30 day no contact, but if you spent the break up begging arguing and calling names then you need to extend to 45 day no contact.