It’s come to my attention recently that many people don’t know how they should talk to an ex.

So, in this article, I put together the ultimate guide on how to do just that.

Really, it boils down to answering these two questions:

  1. What do you want?
  2. And how are you going to get there?

But first, if you are new to Ex Boyfriend Recovery, I highly suggest you take a few moments to complete the Ex Recovery Chances Quiz. Basically, it’s a quiz that will reveal your chances of getting your ex back.

You can take the quiz by clicking the button below:

What Do You Want?

So, what is it that you want when you talk to your ex?

Do you want to get them back or are you simply looking for some closure?

Believe it or not, most people do not know what they ultimately want when they talk to an ex.

So, my recommendation to people experiencing that limbo of uncertainty is to do some soul searching and truly think about the answer to this question before the conversation begins.

Honestly, figuring out WHAT you want out of a conversation with an ex should be the easy part.

Creating a plan or a strategy to GET what you want is the difficult part.

For Those Who Want Their Ex Back

Over the past decade, I’ve helped countless clients get over their exes and win their exes back.

This article is for those who want their exes back. And for those in this camp – you are in luck! After years of testing a multitude of strategies and observing what works, we are confident we have come up with the most effective strategy to re-attract an ex.

Simply put, re-attracting an ex happens one conversation at a time. So, let’s explore the types of conversations you need to have with your ex if you want to get them back – in other words, how you should be talking to them.

How To Have Conversations With Your Ex

“A man who does not plan long ahead will find trouble at his door.” – Confucius

I think we can all agree on the wisdom of Confucius. Yet, so often people jump into conversations with their ex and hope for reconciliation but have no plan for how to achieve it.

Luckily for you, I have done the planning for you.

If you have watched the ExBoyfriend Recovery YouTube channel or spent time on the website, you have likely heard me mention the Value Ladder and the Value Chain.

It’s best to think of these two terms as an ultimate blueprint, guide, or plan for having conversations with your ex and even getting them back.

The Value Ladder is essentially the methods of communication you have with an ex. While the Value Chain is the types of conversations you have with an ex. Let’s start by talking about the Value Ladder.

Value Ladder

When I present the idea of the Value Ladder to clients, I tell them to think of it as an actual ladder they need to climb to re-attract an ex. After a breakup, they are at the bottom of the ladder and winning them back is the top.

Now, in order to climb the ladder, there are certain ways to communicate with an ex – and not all ways or types of communication are created equal. For instance, we communicate differently through text, phone conversations, video chats, and in person. You can see how each of these methods of communication would carry a different value when it comes to developing a relationship.

Here’s an example.

If done correctly, an in-person conversation with an ex can be more powerful than a text conversation. Notice how I said, if done correctly. I say this, because the biggest mistake most people make when using a strategy, like the No Contact Rule, is skipping a step and jumping right to an in-person conversation with an ex before building up their “value”.

So, when I say look at the Value Ladder as a literal ladder that you’re climbing to get an ex back, think of each step as an opportunity to enhance your value and also up the value of the method of communication.

Here’s what the Value Ladder looks like in when it comes to communicating with an ex ….

Step 1 – Text your ex. Spend time building up as much value as possible in this phase.

Step 2 – Call, Skype, or FaceTime your ex. Build up more value.

Step 3 – Meet in person with your ex. Keep it short and unromantic. Go for a cup of coffee. Build more value.

Step 4 – Go on a date. This is where the romance begins to flicker, but you do not ask them out just yet. You’re building more value.

Step 5 – Go on an extremely romantic date with your ex, pull out all the stops, and ask them back out.

Essentially, you’re climbing the ladder towards your goal.

Now, the mistake that most people make is they climb the ladder too fast without building enough value on each step of the Value Ladder. I get it, you’re eager to build value. But, how do you build value? That’s where the Value Chain comes into play.

Building Value Through The Value Chain

value ladder

You cannot build value with an ex – meaning, rapport or any type of attraction – without conversation.

Specifically, you should be having five different types of conversations with your ex, otherwise known as the Value Chain, to build value with an ex as you climb the ladder to win them back.

Five Types Of Conversations

Small Talk – The types of conversation you can have with anyone that are not too personal and more superficial in nature.

Telling Stories – Stories are often shared with friends or coworkers that you feel some level of comfort and familiarity. You would not, for example, tell a complete stranger a random story.

Sharing Opinions – Opinions are somewhat more personal, so these types of conversations usually only happen between you and people you trust.

Virgin Ground – This is a conversation over something you have never told anyone and your ex reciprocates with a similar secret.

Sharing Feelings – An intimate conversation where you expose your true feelings for your ex and they reciprocate.

Essentially, these conversations build and progress in a similar way as the Value Ladder.

You begin at the bottom of the chain with small talk and try to progress your way up to sharing your feelings with an ex, while using different methods of communication.

But how do you know it’s OK to move up to the next step in the Value Chain?

Well, a good rule of thumb is that it is OK to progress when your ex reciprocates or even adds value themselves.

Ahh, but there’s still one small fly in the ointment here. What happens if things do not progress according to the plan?

When Plans Go Awry

“Plans are of little importance, but planning is essential.” – Winston Churchill

Sometimes, no matter how hard you plan – no matter how much you think through the conversation you will have with an ex – things may not go according to plan. For whatever reason, things don’t work out as you envisioned.

When this happens, it’s important to keep the big picture in mind – your overall game plan and not the specifics. Because, in the end, we have found that organic conversations are most affective. This way, nothing seems forced or planned, and things progress naturally through the phases.

A Personal Story

Let me tell you a story. When I was in college, I took a Biology class, which basically consisted of three hours of lecture every week. As you can imagine, Biology was not my cup of tea and I was bored out of my mind. I would entertain myself by scoping out the girls in the class.

One day, I noticed a cute girl across the room, and it wasn’t long before my daydreams centered around me asking her out. There was just one problem. I was a massive coward and too afraid to make a move.

What’s interesting is that we shared a friend. My new crush’s friend was a girl I knew from high school who also happened to be in our Biology class. Every day, this friend would say hello to me, because we knew each other. Still, I was too cowardly to strike up a conversation with my crush. That is, until my best friend called me out and urged me to come up with a plan to speak to my new crush.

So, I spent a few days coming up with my strategy. My plan was simple – it just required some courage. I would wait outside of our Biology class next week and, when I saw my crush and this high school friend, I would strike up a conversation and see what happens. I would ask them a question together and get them both involved in the conversation.

The more I practiced and rehearsed this scenario in my head, the more confidence I gained. I was ready.

A week passed and there I stood, outside of our Biology class, waiting for the girls to arrive. I thought it would be creepy for me to simply sit next to them, since I never sat there before. But the unexpected happened.

It was minutes before the start of class and the girls hadn’t arrived yet. Then, just before class began, my crush appeared. The only problem was she was alone – her friend was not with her. I froze and let her walk right by me.

To say I was disappointed is an understatement. My plan was blown, but I could hear my best friend urging me to go for it. So, I did probably the creepiest thing possible. I gathered my things up, walked across the classroom, asked “is this seat taken?” and sat right next to her.

I could see the look of horror on her face. I tried striking up a conversation with her by saying that we went to the same high school, but I could tell the interaction just didn’t feel natural and she was getting more creeped out by the moment.

Be Authentic And Adaptable

Needless to say, it didn’t work out with this girl. I took the wrong approach, for sure. But it did teach me an important lesson in life — no matter how much you plan, there is no guarantee things will work out the way you expect.

If only I had thought of a more natural contingency plan – a plan b — because so many things went wrong that I did not anticipate. Her friend wasn’t with her and I let her walk right by me into the classroom. Instead, I should have caught up with her after class to make a snarky remark about the boring class.

This form of small talk tends to be a more acceptable or natural way to approach a stranger in the Value Ladder.

But I didn’t have an organic conversation with this girl, I had a forced one.

She could tell it wasn’t a natural conversation, and as a result it created distance between us.
So, if you want to know how you should talk to your ex to get them back, my advice is to be authentic.

It is of vital importance that you let things progress naturally up the Value Ladder and Value Chain. Sure, you can plan the broader strokes of what you want to do and have a strategy.

It’s important to know where you want to go in your relationship with an ex. But, don’t plan specific conversations, because more times than not things will not go exactly as planned.

8 thoughts on “How To Talk To An Ex After A Breakup”

  1. Avatar


    February 20, 2020 at 8:30 am

    Hello! I really hope someone answers because i am pretty confused about my relationship. He broke up with me a 2 weeks ago and we have been together for 6 months. He said we don’t have enough chemistry and he loves me so much but not in love with me. He had very strong chemistry with his ex and was in love with her. My problem is that he did not act like he wasn’t in love with me, but i always felt like he had walls up while we were together. It has been a long distance relationship since the beggining we saw eachother every 2 week for like 5 days or so. Lately he went to work abroad so he work for a month and comes back to me for 6 days. He has so much on his plate right now and this breakup came from nothing. Last time we met i felt like this is the best time of our relationship. He told me how important i was and loved every second with me. We had plans together to travel and things like that.After the break up i haven’t heard from him but he already said on the phone the he will come to see me in the weekend to talk. I don’t know what to do or say. I just do not understand this break up at all. Please answer i hope you can help me out.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 20, 2020 at 10:40 pm

      Hi Panni so when you are in a relationship with someone at the start it is exciting and fun where the “in love” part happens. But when you have been together for some time and things start falling into patterns and routine. The “in love” feeling dies down and thats when people often find that they feel they are not in love with you like they were at the start. 6 months is not a long term relationship on some levels but your ex seems to have these feelings. If you want your ex back I suggest that you read the Ungettable information and apply that to your life and make sure your ex can see all this through social media and mutual friends

  2. Avatar


    February 18, 2020 at 12:05 am

    I’m currently taking some time apart from my boyfriend. We have an incredible connection – truly unlike anything I’ve ever had before. The only problem? A few things have happened outside of him and me that have caused a severe depression in him. The past two months I tried so hard to hold on to us and be supportive of him that I began to unravel as well – I became so anxious and really just a mess. It wasn’t doing either one of us any good. I feel like the only way for a future with him is to give him time and space to figure his stuff out. I understand the no contact rule but is that the case for people with depression as well? I don’t want to abandon him. He has texted me every day. I keep it short. We agreed to talk on the phone once a week. I just don’t know what to do. I want to be with him and have it all worked out by tomorrow but I know that won’t happen.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 22, 2020 at 11:36 pm

      Hey there, I would recommend that you take some time for yourself so that you start to feel truly better and happier in life before worrying about what you are going to do about your relationship with your ex. When depression takes control of our lives the best thing you can do is work on your relationship with yourself so that you are happy.

  3. Avatar


    February 17, 2020 at 8:03 am

    Hey there, so my ex and i have been broken up for just under 2 months. We stayed in contact regularly but he was always very hot and cold with me, i have tried no contact. So i decided I would cut ties with him a couple days ago, I’m not sure for how long though. I do really want him back but at the moment he wants time alone to figure himself out. What do you suggest I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 17, 2020 at 10:18 am

      Hey Jaz, I suggest that you do a 30 day No Contact and work on yourself in that time. Read some articles about being Ungettable and how to follow the rules of No contact correctly

  4. Avatar

    Gillian Dalton

    February 17, 2020 at 6:23 am

    Hey there!
    Hope someone answers this.

    How long should I be in no contact for? Should I wait for him to contact me before initiating the first texting conversations?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 17, 2020 at 10:19 am

      Hey Gillian, so it really depends on the type of break up you have had. If it ended amicably then you do a 30 day no contact, but if you spent the break up begging arguing and calling names then you need to extend to 45 day no contact.

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