Becoming Ungettable is all about becoming the best version of yourself. At the beginning of a relationship, we put each other up on pedestals. When breakups happen, we see the worst parts of each other and we start seeing each other differently. Coming back from that is not easy.
When you reach the point in the ExRecory Program when you are supposed to work on becoming Ungettable, you might find that it is more difficult than you expected. Not because you aren’t capable, but because there is NO ONE who is going to be harder on you… than you.
So, you might feel like you have given it everything you can, yet you are STILL not quite there yet.
You don’t feel Ungettable yet.
So, let’s talk about what is holding you back because there are lots of things that hold people back in this situation. Beleive me. I talk to people all day every day about why they are having problems.
Talking about them, understanding them, you can learn from other people’s hurdles and mistakes.
Typical Mistakes & Their Solutions
There are plenty of reasons that people don’t quite make it to Ungettable Girl Status. Today we are just going to cover the ones I see most often from the ladies I talk to on ExRecovery.
You can be in someone’s life, talk to them and not connect with them. After a breakup, it is easy to get caught up in how hurt we are. We start to see everyone as a possible source of more pain. We start to withdraw. The only person we feel like we can trust is ourselves and even then we can be pretty tough on ourselves too.
It’s like getting stuck in the mud, spinning your wheels, and not being able to get traction.
After a breakup, it is easy to get caught up in how hurt we are. We start to see everyone as a possible source of more pain. The only person we feel like we can trust is ourselves and even then we can be pretty tough on ourselves too.
We start to pull away from everyone to keep from being hurt again. We stop talking to friends, family, and other people we generally go to in these situations. Isolating and being self-centered is a surefire way to make yourself feel even more alone.
Solution: You know how people tell you to “just be yourself” and it seems like it’s impossible? I mean, how could you even be anyone else? Well, a better way to put that is to say, “be genuine.” If you are around people ENGAGE and BE PRESENT. It’s easy to be on autopilot. I do it all the time, thinking about work or something that is bothering me. But, people want attention from the moment they are born. That doesn’t stop just because you are going through something.
So, instead of redirecting the conversation towards your breakup constantly, limit yourself to 5 or 10 minutes of that after you ask them about whatever is going on in their life. If they bring it up there is one surefire way to redirect and make it obvious that you care past your own self-interest. You should set your situation aside for the moment and give them your full attention.
“We can talk about that in a minute. First, tell me about what is going on in your life.”
Being willing to listen and offer support isn’t easy when your mind constantly wants to wander to what your ex is doing. But, not only does this engage you with the people in your life, being invested in other people’s lives can be a distraction as well as reinforcing the connections you have with your friends. And friends who believe that you have their back are more likely to have yours and stick around longer.
Being a Pushover
You know what is absolutely unforgettable? Someone who knows their worth.
Since I was a kid, I noticed one unequivocal thing about my mother. She couldn’t say no…
- Not to the people at my school when they asked her to volunteer her time or to cook.
- Not to my sister when she decided that my mom was going to keep my niece every single day without asking if she had other things to do.
- Not to the people at her church who were constantly volunteering her to run a program, teach a class, or cook for some reason.
The more I watched this happen as I grew up, the more I realized that none of these people respected my mother.
She was a stay at home mom who was working 120+ hours a week.When I got older and found my voice, I talked to her about it and encouraged her to stand up for herself when she didn’t feel comfortable about something they just threw at her. I encouraged her to practice on me because kids are always asking their parents to do things they don’t want to do. I gave her plenty of opportunities.
You see… always agreeing may make you easy to be around and dependable, but it will not make you memorable. It will not make you unforgettable.
Solution: Talk to your close friends. Let them know that you are trying to get better at saying no. Encourage them to push you to do things you don’t want to do solely for the purpose of practicing saying no. Then move on to the bigger fish in your life. Don’t explain, just say no politely.
“I would love to but I have too much on my plate at the moment. thank you for thinking of me though.”
“I appreciate you thinking of me, but I’m not comfortable doing that. Perhaps someone else would like the opportunity.”
A lot of the time people will tell you that there is no one else to guilt you into doing something that you clearly don’t want to do. In this case, stand your ground and simply say.
“I can empathize, but I’ve already said I can’t.”
“That unfortunate, but I’ve already said no.”
If you struggle with this, practicing with someone you trust is the BEST way to get comfortable making the words come out of your mouth and standing by them.
Give them permission to play devil’s advocate and push you.
Do you have anyone in your life that you can guess what they are doing at any given moment during the day?
I’m that person in my group of friends. Namely, because I am ALWAYS working.
Most people have a set schedule in their head. They are used to waking up at a certain time, going through a certain process as they get ready for their day, and a basic schedule they stick to.
The thing is, your ex knows you. He got to know you while you were together.
- He knows what you like to do and when.
- He knows where and when you work.
- He knows where you like to hang out and who you are likely to hang out with.
Ungettable girls are unforgettable girls. You know what you only remember when you need them?
… the things you know won’t move when you aren’t paying attention to them.
Solution: You have to learn to break character and embrace getting out of your comfort zone.
I have a way I like to go about this. I choose a day that I have some free time and I imagine that I am someone else, an outgoing power figure that I admire. I make a point to choose someone who I see as a challenge. I am going to be a better them than they are. Push the envelope.
I spend that day watching myself make decisions. With each decision, I ask myself,
“Is that a me choice or a them choice?”
I’m not saying do things that are dangerous. Just don’t be afraid to be uncomfortable. That’s how you grow.
Settling for Mediocre
You know what unforgettable people don’t do?
- They don’t settle.
- They don’t stay stuck in a job they don’t like.
- They don’t let people disrespect them.
- They don’t put up with friends and family who aren’t supportive.
- They don’t accept less than they deserve.
Being successful and ambitious one of the most attractive things you can be. It makes the people around you step up their game. Bringing out the best in people makes you even more attractive than you already are. It makes people want to be around you… even your ex.
Solution: So, imagine the life you want. Are you living up to that? Is every action you take pushing you toward that goal?
If you want to be ungettable… you have to decide.
Decide what you want and challenge yourself to do everything possible in order to reach it.
If the people in your life aren’t on your side and pushing you to be better, then it’s time to say,
“This is what I am doing with my life. Get on board or get out of the way. I don’t have time for people who won’t support me.”
And just like with everything else on this list… you have to stand beside what you say.
Becoming ungettable is like exercise, to build strength, you’ve got to put in the effort and do something. TAKE ACTION! You can’t sit still and you can’t let people hold you back.
Not Acknowledging Your Other Options
My college ex is the PERFECT example of why this is important.
He dumped me, joined the military, and moved across the world. We are close friends still so he is pretty clued in on what is going on with my life. I started to notice something though.
Every time I even considered dating someone else, he would be supportive, but he would suddenly start being a much more attentive and needy friend. He suddenly needed me in his life constantly.
All the while he was cheering my dating life on while also making it CLEAR that he thought the breakup was a mistake.
It’s been twelve years since we dating and this STILL happens. Do you want to know why?
It was easy when I was single because he could convince himself that I was sitting here pining for him, just waiting for him to come back.
But it is human nature to want what we can’t have.
He even flat out told me he wanted to get back together and try long distance many times in the beginning. I went for it a few times. I was still head over heels for him so I would break up with the guy I was seeing and then he would decide that we didn’t need to throw away our friendship.
Being interested in other people or being unavailable is like catnip for exes.
Solution: So, I came up with a strategy.
Date other people! Don’t wait around. Have a life.
You know when a job that refuses to give you a raise decides to give you a raise and a promotion?
They do it when they realize that you are looking at other jobs… or better, when you get better offers from other jobs.
And anyone who does hiring will tell you to NEVER take their first offer and NEVER accept right away.
You negotiate and make them woo you.
The same thing goes for dating.
Make him see that other men value you. Bonus points if they are men he will see as a threat. (Better looks, better job, better everything)
And when he tries to come back, don’t just crumble. Make him work for it or he’ll lose interest. People hold on to people and things that they feel invested in.
Focusing on Trying to Impress One Person
Even I fall into the trap of making decisions based on the person I am interested in.
You find yourself studying the things that they find interesting. Using them as motivation when you go to the gym (which is fine as long as it’s not the main reason.)
Everything you do has you wondering how he would react to it.
- You watch something you aren’t normally interested in – “I’ll be able to talk to him about his favorite sport/team/ if I run into him.”
- You start stockpiling gifts – “I could use this as a reason to reach out to him.”
- You buy a new shirt – ” I wonder if my ex would like this.”
- You set goals that he would be impressed with rather than the ones you actually want for yourself.
It’s especially destructive if you start forgoing the things you need to do in order to do these things.
Solution: Everything you do should be to better yourself. Be a baddass. Impress them all. Don’t focus on just one person. You know what happens when the people in your life realize that you are doing good? They talk about it.
“Have you seen Amelia? I know she went through that berakup, but it might have been the best thing that ever happened to her. I don’t know what she is doing but she looks great and it seems like she has really done well for herself. I think I’m going to ask her how she does it, because whatever she’s doing… I want in.”
You get street cred that way.
When other people love you, the people who doubted you will rethink their position… including your ex. Even better, he’ll most likely wonder how you ever did it without him.
I Have One Last Thing to Say
My beautiful, talented, wonderful ladies,
The main thing I see happen to you each and every day is the saddest and it holds you back again and again.
So, I am going to say this and I need you to believe me.
You can do this!
There is a power within you that even you don’t realize you have.
When that little voice in your head tells you that you aren’t enough…
there is only one thing you need to do.
You take that voice and you shake it. It is powered by fear.
If you want to be and Ungettable Girl, an Unforgettable Girl, an Out-of-Your-League Girl… you have to stand up to that voice and tell it the same thing we say to the people that don’t have your back.
“Get on board of get out of the way. I’m unstoppable.”
Now, go do great things! (and tell me about them!)