In my opinion, there are are three types of breakups,
Breakup Type #1: The Bad Breakup
Breakup Type #2: The Mutual Breakup
Breakup Type #3: The Blindside Breakup
Care to take a wild guess at what type of breakup this article is going to talk about?
Yup, the blindside breakup.
Now, before we get to the “nitty gritty” of being blindsided I have a story to tell you.
A little over a month ago something amazing happened here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery. We went live with a redesigned look. The purpose of doing this was that I had wanted to make this website easier to navigate for my visitors.
Therefore, I implemented a really cool high tech looking search function,
The idea was that you could come to the website and find exactly what you were looking for by simply typing it into this search bar. Ah, but the search bar had another really cool function. On top of providing you the best match for your query it also would save your query so I could look at it and see what you are searching for.
My intent for doing this was to find topics that I hadn’t talked about yet on the website.
And do you care to guess what one of those topics were?
Blindside breakup baby!
And now here we are.
So, I want to start off by making you a promise.
My Promise To You- You aren’t going to find a better piece of content on the web about “blindside breakups” than this article.
Ok, so now that I have painted myself into a corner let’s talk a little about blindside breakups.
What Is A Blindside Breakup?
I figured the best way to start this section off would be to provide you with a comment we got here on the website a few months ago,
Now, I realize that some of you may skip right over this comment so for those of you who did that (shame on you :p ) and here is a quick synopsis of what I am point out up there,
“It blindsed me because I thought things were progressing and we were happy…”
Why did I feature this part?
Care to take a guess?
Well, the thing that is prevalent in almost every “blindside breakup” is the fact that one party doesn’t see it coming. In this case CPL up there thought things were great between her boyfriend and her but there was a disconnect going on that she wasn’t aware of.
And this is a common theme that I see with blindside breakups all the time.
Generally the woman thinks that things are great in her relationship only to find out that they weren’t as great as she thought they were.
And that brings me to my next point.
The Wavelength Theory
A blindside breakup can only occur when one party of the relationship believes that they are on the same wavelength as the other party of the relationship.
So, imagine that you think you are on the same wavelength as your ex boyfriend,
And then we have your ex who thinks you are on a completely different wavelength from each other,
This is essentially where blindside breakups come from because one party is thinking nothing is wrong and the other party is. In fact, this is a phenomenon that I talked about in one of my most recent interviews with CMM (Certified Match Maker) and dating coach, Marina Margulis,
Marina and I both agreed that generally there are signs in a relationship for when a couple isn’t on the same wavelength. I believe the example that she gave was that she once had a client who went shopping for wedding rings (it was a woman) when her current boyfriend hadn’t even hinted at marriage.
Suffice it to say that they broke up.
Ok, so now that you have a general idea for why “blindside breakups” happen let’s move on to talking about what to do when they happen.
What To Do If You Got Blindsided By Your Ex Boyfriend
So, I put a lot of thought into the protocols that you should implement if you were blindsided by your ex and here is what I settled on,
Self Actualized No Contact
I don’t know if you have noticed but lately there has been a subtle change in the way we are producing content here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery. Not only are we producing more content but we are getting interviews with some high quality dating experts.
Yes, I certainly have my own opinions on how things should be done after a breakup and for the most part I have been very successful at guiding people down the right path,
But here’s the thing.
As I have interviewed all of these amazing experts I have began to notice a common theme among the advice that they give.
And, almost as if she meant to add a cherry on top, our very own Ashley (head of content development here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery) wrote this very insightful article yesterday.
In it she talks about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs which you may recognize below,
But what she really highlights is this level,
Now, I realize we are getting super psychological for you here so allow me to dumb it down because if you are anything like me then anything too psychological is too confusing.
What Is Self Actualization?
I am going to let Ashley our head of content development take this one,
“A fully self-actualized human must perceive reality efficiently and accept themselves, with all of their quirks and ways, no matter how much reality might deviate from their ideal vision of themselves. Only then will they have reached their fullest potential as a person.”
In other words, being able to accept yourself truly for who you are while at the same time being ok with it will mean that you are close to becoming self actualized.
Notice how nothing in that definition has to do with obsessing on whether your ex cares about you.
I say “close” because Ashley forgot to mention an important part about self actualization,
Understanding your meaning in life
Why were you put on this earth?
It’s not an easy question to answer but we can tackle that one in a second.
It’s time for an embarrassing story.
Yup, I am going to get super personal and talk about what may be my most embarrassing physical feature. Now, to put this in perspective so you realize how big of a deal this is to me this is something that STILL bugs me and something that I am frightened beyond all belief to mention out loud to those who love me most in the world.
In fact, all throughout my life
But writing is like therapy for me and since I am telling you that you need to become self actualized in order to get your ex back if he blindsided you it would be a bit hypocritical of me to not follow suit in my own life.
My Embarrassing Story
I have a mole…
Right on my neck and I absolutely hate it.
In fact, you can probably see it really well in my live coaching interview that I did with Whitney a few weeks ago,
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not a necessarily gross one or even an ugly one.
In fact, my wife likes to “cutsie” it up and call it a beauty mark but she’s only mentioned it once to me in all the time we have been together and I doubt she would remember it very well now since it was so long ago.
But I remember it because this thing bothers me that much.
It has bothered me all throughout my life.
In fact, in high school it was the sole reason that I didn’t even entertain a date until I was a senior and not to sound arrogant or anything but I am pretty good looking,
But let’s go even deeper than high school and talk about grade school.
My little mole bothered me so much in grade school that I wore a hoody every single day. Heck, even during the summer months just so I could hide it.
I didn’t want anyone to think I was ugly because I certainly did.
And I lived in Friendswood, Texas of all places.
The summer months there could be well over 100 Degrees.
I remember once a bunch of kids started making fun of me because I was wearing a hoody and it was so hot outside. No one in their right mind would be wearing a hoody.
But I was…
All so I could hide my neck.
I didn’t want people to know that I had a mole.
Now, why would I tell you something so embarrassing about myself?
Well, because I want you to see that I am actually not a self actualized person.
You see, a self actualized person would understand the reality of the situation.
My reality is that I have a mole on my neck. It’s so small that most people don’t even notice it. Those that do aren’t bothered by it or think that it makes me look ugly.
(My face does a good enough job at that 😉 .)
No, I am just kidding…
Someone who has achieved self actualization would understand the reality and not just accept it but be ok with it.
Now, I will be the first person to admit that I still have some work to do to achieve self actualization around this embarrassing physical feature.
In fact, I can pretty much guarantee you that every time you see me adjusting my shirt in a video or a live coaching session that will be me trying to ensure that you can’t see my mole.
It’s like my fears have been hardwired into my body after years of practice.
So, what does this have to do with you and your blindside breakup?
Achieving Self Actualization During The No Contact Rule
One of the coolest things about Ex Boyfriend Recovery is the fact that we have been blessed with a lot of traffic.
On average, we get a little over half a million visitors who come to this website every single month,
In other words, we have seen a lot of blindside breakups over the years and slowly but surely we began to notice certain trends that hold true with blindside breakups.
For example, we noticed that women who get blindsided by their ex (meaning they had no idea the breakup was coming) are actually more likely to obsess about their ex.
Now, I am not her judging you at all. In fact, I actually get the need to want to obsess over an ex boyfriend.
However, I also know that obsession often leads to desperation and desperation turns men off…
Fun fact, I feel a little like Yoda right now,
But I am getting off topic.
Instead of becoming so obsessed with your ex I recommend that you enter into my world famous no contact rule.
You aren’t going to read that link are you?
Ok, here is a quick crash course.
The Premise Of My World Famous No Contact Rule- You are going to ignore your ex from anywhere between 21 to 45 days. The idea here is to raise the chances that he will miss you while at the same time facilitating your own personal growth
Again, if you want the full rundown of how it works just click that link above.
(Side Note: I literally updated my guide on “The No Contact Rule” today and a lot has changed so I completely recommend checking that link out or if you want an even deeper look at what you are supposed to do check out my book.)
Ok, so now that we know how the no contact rule fits into this where does self actualization fit in?
Well, assuming you are doing the no contact rule you are going to have anywhere between 21 to 45 days to start your self actualization training.
The Result Of Self Actualization
A few days ago I was interviewing my friend Erik who runs “The Together Show” on iTunes. He’s a really interesting guy because he was a very successful divorce lawyer who ended up quitting to study what makes couples stay together.
(That’s kind of the premise of his show by the way.)
Anyways, I had him on The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast a few days ago,
And we got to talking about couples who completely move on from their exes and the strange effect that, that has on both parties.
That’s when he said it,
And you know the craziest thing. An ex won’t come back into the picture until you are fully over them. It’s not like you can fake it either. Almost like they have this sixth sense…
And almost instantaneously it’s like a light bulb went off in my head,
When I did a study of the vast majority of the success stories that we have on Ex Boyfriend Recovery one of the most shocking things that I learned was that a lot of times it wasn’t until the person had completely moved on that their ex would, “all of a sudden,” come back into the picture.
Heck, that’s what happened with this question featured on episode three of the podcast.
So, how does self actualization come into play here?
Well, I am a big believer of letting you go through your own process.
Even if I think that you probably shouldn’t get back with your ex I firmly believe that you need to come to that realization on your own.
And I am definitely not going to let you go about trying to get your ex boyfriend back in the wrong way.
Self actualization is going to take the focus off of your ex and put it firmly on you.
It’s going to force you to recognize that your whole existence doesn’t revolve around the relationship with your ex. In other words, you aren’t going to be so codependent on the relationship you had with your ex.
Which, believe me, is a massive problem.
You are going to heal and in a weird way move on from the breakup.
And I know this may sound counterproductive but it’s actually going to make your ex boyfriend want to come back to you.
So, How Do I Self Actualize?
Here’s the funny thing about self actualization.
It’s not as impossible to reach as you may think.
When I first heard the term in college I literally thought it was impossible to reach. I mean, the professors made it seem like it was some sort of mystical unicorn.
But when I started really getting into this idea of “self actualization” I had a thought.
“I wonder if anyone has ever reached it before?”
Turns out that, according to Abraham Maslow, who created the idea of self actualization, about 1 in every 100 human beings will reach actualization.
Those are better odds than impossible.
And you’ll find this next part awesome,
Maslow identified common qualities of the self actualized like the ability to see life more clearly and to put others’ needs before their own.
It’s also important to note that self actualized people are ok with their own quirks and have a high level of acceptance for all types of things.
How can YOU achieve this level?
Well, I am not going to lie to you. It’s going to make you uncomfortable and you probably won’t like it. I mean, look at how embarrassing it was for me to tell you that story about myself above.
You have to be willing to embarrass yourself for this to work and that’s something that a lot of people won’t do.
Nevertheless, I have identified four things that you need to do to improve your chances of self actualization.
Thing #1: Self Development
When asked about actualization Maslow described it as,
A process by which you ‘are working to do well the thing that one wants to do.’
I have my own thoughts on self improvement and it comes in the form of “the holy trinity.”
Now, I have talked a lot about the holy trinity in my time here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery and that’s because I am such a big believer in it. In fact, it’s the core strategy behind my teachings on self development and personal growth which means it also ties directly into self actualization.
Here’s a quick crash course of how it works.
If you could have three categories to divide your life into the chances are high that you would pick,
So, looking at these three categories if you want to see extreme personal growth every action you take should be geared towards improving each category.
Thing #2: Get Rid Of Ego Defenses
This is where self actualization gets a little uncomfortable.
We all have these “ego defenses” that we use to protect ourselves from the truth. For example, I gave you one of mine regarding the embarrassing story I told you above. In an effort to “hide my mole” I constantly adjust my shirt to make sure it’s covered. This is my ego defense at work. The only purpose it serves is to protect me from the truth and to avoid the reality of the situation.
And by avoiding reality it will be impossible for me to accept it and be ok with it which is an important part of self actualization.
But perhaps a nervous tick like that isn’t going to connect with you as much as a relationship ego defense.
So, here is a better example.
Imagine that every time your partner confronts you about something you do wrong you have this uncanny habit to start a fight and avoid taking the blame when you know, deep down that you are wrong.
This is an ego defense to prevent yourself from accepting the true reality.
What you would need to do in this case is train yourself to react in a different way and take responsibility for what you did wrong.
Thing #3: Identify And Understand Your “Peak Experience”
Now, some of the more well read visitors of this site may automatically think that “peak experience” refers to the peak end rule which is something that I talk about a lot on this website.
But that isn’t actually the case here.
When Maslow refers to “peak experience” he is actually talking about,
‘transient moments of self-actualization’
It is a time in your life when you feel completely comfortable.
When you feel at peace.
And by feeling comfortable and “at peace” you experience joy and happiness. This is a transient moment where you are accepting reality for what it is. It’s also important to note that you are almost the exact opposite of this right now.
How do I know?
Well, you are going through a breakup and almost half a decade of experience has taught me that the visitors of this website don’t accept the reality of the situation that they have an ex boyfriend.
Thing #4: Make Your Uniqueness Your Strength
One of the most amazing things about human beings is the fact that we are all unique in our own way.
Now, society is a funny thing because it has this ideal version of how it expects a human being to be.
This almost goes against reality because no two human beings are ever alike.
In fact, recently I have began to notice that people who are too far outside of what society expects a human being to be are often made fun of or scolded for their uniqueness.
A self actualized individual will not look at their differences or uniqueness as a weakness. Instead, they look at them as a strength and if they don’t see them as a strength then they make them into a strength.
And believe me I get how difficult this can be.
I struggled with my own self image for almost my entire life.
In fact, I still do right now a little bit.
So, in my own effort to become self actualized I am accepted the reality of the situation,
“I have a mole”
And I am attempting to make what I see as a weakness into one of my greatest strengths.
“By telling you my “mole story” I am hoping to connect with you and turn you into a fan of this site.”
My Blindside Theory
Look, your ex blindsided you for a number of reasons and I don’t want you to fall into the same mistake that I see time and time again from women.
What are those mistakes?
Well, they think that they can get their ex back without undergoing any type of significant change.
I’m sorry if this hurts your feelings but the truth is that if you want to have a chance of getting your ex boyfriend back then you are going to have to find a way to get him to look at you in a different type of light.
And self actualization is a great way to do that.
Think about it.
You came to this website, most likely because you want to figure out how to get your ex boyfriend back. In other words, you haven’t accepted reality (which is that he did break up with you.)
This makes you desperate to get your previous reality back.
Now, here is the thing about desperation.
It’s a killer.
Even if you aren’t desperate about your ex but desperate about your breakup that is going to shine through and you are going to appear desperate to those around you.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that you need to accept reality and move on. I’m not saying that at all. I am saying that if you accept reality you are going to appear different to your ex boyfriend.
You are going to project something new that he hasn’t seen before.
I often tell the story of my very first breakup and how I wanted nothing more than for my ex to beg for me back. I wanted her life to be ruined by the fact that we had broken up.
And for a while there, it kind of was.
She was the first to text me after the breakup…
She was the first to call me…
She called my friend and told him that she missed me…
She gave off all these signs that were a clear indication that I was a force that had ruined her dating life for a little while and this made me happy.
It gave me satisfaction.
But you know what it didn’t give me?
It didn’t give me a drive to want to get back with her.
And I think everything I just said is doubly true when you are dealing with an ex boyfriend who blindsided you and who knows that he blindsided you.
Think about it.
If your ex boyfriend knows that he blindsided you then he is going to be under the expectation that you are going to be very hurt by the breakup. He is going to expect you to beg. He is going to expect you to cry. Hell, he is going to expect you to act desperate.
And when you do he is going to be satisfied.
And this is where the common woman makes her mistake.
The common woman thinks,
Well, if a man is satisfied by this then wouldn’t that mean that he would want me back?
Not even close.
Your ex boyfriend had certain expectations of you after the breakup and you basically played into them.
What’s exciting about that?
What’s interesting about it?
Think of it like a video game.
If you had all the cheat codes to a video game then the video game isn’t fun anymore. It’s easy.
DO NOT BE EASY!
Flip the script on your ex.
Teach him that he isn’t as hot a commodity as he thinks.
I can sit here and tell you everything to say (Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO) and everything to do but without the proper mindset it’s almost meaningless.
Self actualization comes first…
Everything else comes second…