If You Were Blindsided By Your Breakup Here’s What To Do…

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

In my opinion, there are are three types of breakups,

Breakup Type #1: The Bad Breakup

Breakup Type #2: The Mutual Breakup

Breakup Type #3: The Blindside Breakup

Care to take a wild guess at what type of breakup this article is going to talk about?

Yup, the blindside breakup.

Now, before we get to the “nitty gritty” of being blindsided I have a story to tell you.

A little over a month ago something amazing happened here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery. We went live with a redesigned look. The purpose of doing this was that I had wanted to make this website easier to navigate for my visitors.

Therefore, I implemented a really cool high tech looking search function,

search-function

The idea was that you could come to the website and find exactly what you were looking for by simply typing it into this search bar. Ah, but the search bar had another really cool function. On top of providing you the best match for your query it also would save your query so I could look at it and see what you are searching for.

My intent for doing this was to find topics that I hadn’t talked about yet on the website.

And do you care to guess what one of those topics were?

query-data

Blindside breakup baby!

And now here we are.

So, I want to start off by making you a promise.

My Promise To You- You aren’t going to find a better piece of content on the web about “blindside breakups” than this article.

Ok, so now that I have painted myself into a corner let’s talk a little about blindside breakups.

BUT FIRST… There’s Something Important You Need To Know

I have been helping men and women get back with their exes for over half a decade and I have learned that most people have preconceived notions when they end up on my site. They think that all they have to do is follow the directions that I give them on the page and they are good to go. Now, while this may hold true in some cases I will say that getting an ex back is usually such a complex process that I can’t explain everything there is to explain in one simple article.

Luckily, I have created an “ultimate resource” for you to follow to not only get your ex back but to understand why they are acting the way they are acting.

All you have to do learn about this resource is to click the button below!

Get Relief FasterWith Tactics I Can't Put on the Blog...

 

What Is A Blindside Breakup?

I figured the best way to start this section off would be to provide you with a comment we got here on the website a few months ago,

blindside-comment

Now, I realize that some of you may skip right over this comment so for those of you who did that (shame on you :p ) and here is a quick synopsis of what I am point out up there,

“It blindsed me because I thought things were progressing and we were happy…”

Why did I feature this part?

Care to take a guess?

Well, the thing that is prevalent in almost every “blindside breakup” is the fact that one party doesn’t see it coming. In this case CPL up there thought things were great between her boyfriend and her but there was a disconnect going on that she wasn’t aware of.

And this is a common theme that I see with blindside breakups all the time.

Generally the woman thinks that things are great in her relationship only to find out that they weren’t as great as she thought they were.

And that brings me to my next point.

The Wavelength Theory

A blindside breakup can only occur when one party of the relationship believes that they are on the same wavelength as the other party of the relationship.

So, imagine that you think you are on the same wavelength as your ex boyfriend,

wavelength-theory

And then we have your ex who thinks you are on a completely different wavelength from each other,

wavelength-theory-two

This is essentially where blindside breakups come from because one party is thinking nothing is wrong and the other party is. In fact, this is a phenomenon that I talked about in one of my most recent interviews with CMM (Certified Match Maker) and dating coach, Marina Margulis,

Marina and I both agreed that generally there are signs in a relationship for when a couple isn’t on the same wavelength. I believe the example that she gave was that she once had a client who went shopping for wedding rings (it was a woman) when her current boyfriend hadn’t even hinted at marriage.

Suffice it to say that they broke up.

Ok, so now that you have a general idea for why “blindside breakups” happen let’s move on to talking about what to do when they happen.

What To Do If You Got Blindsided By Your Ex Boyfriend

So, I put a lot of thought into the protocols that you should implement if you were blindsided by your ex and here is what I settled on,

self-actualized-no-contact

Self Actualized No Contact

I don’t know if you have noticed but lately there has been a subtle change in the way we are producing content here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery. Not only are we producing more content but we are getting interviews with some high quality dating experts.

Yes, I certainly have my own opinions on how things should be done after a breakup and for the most part I have been very successful at guiding people down the right path,

But here’s the thing.

As I have interviewed all of these amazing experts I have began to notice a common theme among the advice that they give.

Know Thyself

And, almost as if she meant to add a cherry on top, our very own Ashley (head of content development here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery) wrote this very insightful article yesterday.

In it she talks about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs which you may recognize below,

heiarchy-of-needs

But what she really highlights is this level,

heiarchy-of-needs

Self actualization!

Now, I realize we are getting super psychological for you here so allow me to dumb it down because if you are anything like me then anything too psychological is too confusing.

What Is Self Actualization?

I am going to let Ashley our head of content development take this one,

“A fully self-actualized human must perceive reality efficiently and accept themselves, with all of their quirks and ways, no matter how much reality might deviate from their ideal vision of themselves. Only then will they have reached their fullest potential as a person.”

In other words, being able to accept yourself truly for who you are while at the same time being ok with it will mean that you are close to becoming self actualized.

I say “close” because Ashley forgot to mention an important part about self actualization,

Understanding your meaning in life

Why were you put on this earth?

It’s not an easy question to answer but we can tackle that one in a second.

It’s time for an embarrassing story.

Yup, I am going to get super personal and talk about what may be my most embarrassing physical feature. Now, to put this in perspective so you realize how big of a deal this is to me this is something that STILL bugs me and something that I am frightened beyond all belief to mention out loud to those who love me most in the world.

In fact, all throughout my life

But writing is like therapy for me and since I am telling you that you need to become self actualized in order to get your ex back if he blindsided you it would be a bit hypocritical of me to not follow suit in my own life.

My Embarrassing Story

I have a mole…

Right on my neck and I absolutely hate it.

In fact, you can probably see it really well in my live coaching interview that I did with Whitney a few weeks ago,

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not a necessarily gross one or even an ugly one.

In fact, my wife likes to “cutsie” it up and call it a beauty mark but she’s only mentioned it once to me in all the time we have been together and I doubt she would remember it very well now since it was so long ago.

But I remember it because this thing bothers me that much.

It has bothered me all throughout my life.

In fact, in high school it was the sole reason that I didn’t even entertain a date until I was a senior and not to sound arrogant or anything but I am pretty good looking,

dark side

But let’s go even deeper than high school and talk about grade school.

My little mole bothered me so much in grade school that I wore a hoody every single day. Heck, even during the summer months just so I could hide it.

I didn’t want anyone to think I was ugly because I certainly did.

And I lived in Friendswood, Texas of all places.

The summer months there could be well over 100 Degrees.

I remember once a bunch of kids started making fun of me because I was wearing a hoody and it was so hot outside. No one in their right mind would be wearing a hoody.

But I was…

All so I could hide my neck.

I didn’t want people to know that I had a mole.

Now, why would I tell you something so embarrassing about myself?

Well, because I want you to see that I am actually not a self actualized person.

You see, a self actualized person would understand the reality of the situation.

My reality is that I have a mole on my neck. It’s so small that most people don’t even notice it. Those that do aren’t bothered by it or think that it makes me look ugly.

(My face does a good enough job at that 😉 .)

No, I am just kidding…

Someone who has achieved self actualization would understand the reality and not just accept it but be ok with it.

Now, I will be the first person to admit that I still have some work to do to achieve self actualization around this embarrassing physical feature.

In fact, I can pretty much guarantee you that every time you see me adjusting my shirt in a video or a live coaching session that will be me trying to ensure that you can’t see my mole.

It’s like my fears have been hardwired into my body after years of practice.

So, what does this have to do with you and your blindside breakup?

Achieving Self Actualization During The No Contact Rule

One of the coolest things about Ex Boyfriend Recovery is the fact that we have been blessed with a lot of traffic.

On average, we get a little over half a million visitors who come to this website every single month,

half-a-million

In other words, we have seen a lot of blindside breakups over the years and slowly but surely we began to notice certain trends that hold true with blindside breakups.

For example, we noticed that women who get blindsided by their ex (meaning they had no idea the breakup was coming) are actually more likely to obsess about their ex.

Now, I am not her judging you at all. In fact, I actually get the need to want to obsess over an ex boyfriend.

However, I also know that obsession often leads to desperation and desperation turns men off…

Fun fact, I feel a little like Yoda right now,

yoda

But I am getting off topic.

Instead of becoming so obsessed with your ex I recommend that you enter into my world famous no contact rule.

You aren’t going to read that link are you?

Sigh…

Ok, here is a quick crash course.

The Premise Of My World Famous No Contact Rule- You are going to ignore your ex from anywhere between 21 to 45 days. The idea here is to raise the chances that he will miss you while at the same time facilitating your own personal growth

Again, if you want the full rundown of how it works just click that link above.

(Side Note: I literally updated my guide on “The No Contact Rule” today and a lot has changed so I completely recommend checking that link out or if you want an even deeper look at what you are supposed to do check out my book.)

Ok, so now that we know how the no contact rule fits into this where does self actualization fit in?

Well, assuming you are doing the no contact rule you are going to have anywhere between 21 to 45 days to start your self actualization training.

The Result Of Self Actualization

A few days ago I was interviewing my friend Erik who runs “The Together Show” on iTunes. He’s a really interesting guy because he was a very successful divorce lawyer who ended up quitting to study what makes couples stay together.

(That’s kind of the premise of his show by the way.)

Anyways, I had him on The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast a few days ago,

And we got to talking about couples who completely move on from their exes and the strange effect that, that has on both parties.

That’s when he said it,

And you know the craziest thing. An ex won’t come back into the picture until you are fully over them. It’s not like you can fake it either. Almost like they have this sixth sense…

And almost instantaneously it’s like a light bulb went off in my head,

light-bulb

When I did a study of the vast majority of the success stories that we have on Ex Boyfriend Recovery one of the most shocking things that I learned was that a lot of times it wasn’t until the person had completely moved on that their ex would, “all of a sudden,” come back into the picture.

Heck, that’s what happened with this question featured on episode three of the podcast.

So, how does self actualization come into play here?

Well, I am a big believer of letting you go through your own process.

Even if I think that you probably shouldn’t get back with your ex I firmly believe that you need to come to that realization on your own.

And I am definitely not going to let you go about trying to get your ex boyfriend back in the wrong way.

Self actualization is going to take the focus off of your ex and put it firmly on you.

It’s going to force you to recognize that your whole existence doesn’t revolve around the relationship with your ex. In other words, you aren’t going to be so codependent on the relationship you had with your ex.

Which, believe me, is a massive problem.

You are going to heal and in a weird way move on from the breakup.

And I know this may sound counterproductive but it’s actually going to make your ex boyfriend want to come back to you.

So, How Do I Self Actualize?

possible

Here’s the funny thing about self actualization.

It’s not as impossible to reach as you may think.

When I first heard the term in college I literally thought it was impossible to reach. I mean, the professors made it seem like it was some sort of mystical unicorn.

But when I started really getting into this idea of “self actualization” I had a thought.

“I wonder if anyone has ever reached it before?”

Turns out that, according to Abraham Maslow, who created the idea of self actualization, about 1 in every 100 human beings will reach actualization.

Whoa!

Those are better odds than impossible.

And you’ll find this next part awesome,

Maslow identified common qualities of the self actualized like the ability to see life more clearly and to put others’ needs before their own.

It’s also important to note that self actualized people are ok with their own quirks and have a high level of acceptance for all types of things.

But how?

How can YOU achieve this level?

Well, I am not going to lie to you. It’s going to make you uncomfortable and you probably won’t like it. I mean, look at how embarrassing it was for me to tell you that story about myself above.

You have to be willing to embarrass yourself for this to work and that’s something that a lot of people won’t do.

Nevertheless, I have identified four things that you need to do to improve your chances of self actualization.

Thing #1: Self Development

When asked about actualization Maslow described it as,

A process by which you ‘are working to do well the thing that one wants to do.’

I have my own thoughts on self improvement and it comes in the form of “the holy trinity.”

Now, I have talked a lot about the holy trinity in my time here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery and that’s because I am such a big believer in it. In fact, it’s the core strategy behind my teachings on self development and personal growth which means it also ties directly into self actualization.

Here’s a quick crash course of how it works.

If you could have three categories to divide your life into the chances are high that you would pick,

  1. Health
  2. Wealth
  3. Relationships

So, looking at these three categories if you want to see extreme personal growth every action you take should be geared towards improving each category.

Thing #2: Get Rid Of Ego Defenses

This is where self actualization gets a little uncomfortable.

We all have these “ego defenses” that we use to protect ourselves from the truth. For example, I gave you one of mine regarding the embarrassing story I told you above. In an effort to “hide my mole” I constantly adjust my shirt to make sure it’s covered. This is my ego defense at work. The only purpose it serves is to protect me from the truth and to avoid the reality of the situation.

And by avoiding reality it will be impossible for me to accept it and be ok with it which is an important part of self actualization.

But perhaps a nervous tick like that isn’t going to connect with you as much as a relationship ego defense.

So, here is a better example.

Imagine that every time your partner confronts you about something you do wrong you have this uncanny habit to start a fight and avoid taking the blame when you know, deep down that you are wrong.

This is an ego defense to prevent yourself from accepting the true reality.

What you would need to do in this case is train yourself to react in a different way and take responsibility for what you did wrong.

Thing #3: Identify And Understand Your “Peak Experience”

Now, some of the more well read visitors of this site may automatically think that “peak experience” refers to the peak end rule which is something that I talk about a lot on this website.

But that isn’t actually the case here.

When Maslow refers to “peak experience” he is actually talking about,

‘transient moments of self-actualization’

It is a time in your life when you feel completely comfortable.

When you feel at peace.

And by feeling comfortable and “at peace” you experience joy and happiness. This is a transient moment where you are accepting reality for what it is. It’s also important to note that you are almost the exact opposite of this right now.

How do I know?

Well, you are going through a breakup and almost half a decade of experience has taught me that the visitors of this website don’t accept the reality of the situation that they have an ex boyfriend.

Thing #4: Make Your Uniqueness Your Strength

One of the most amazing things about human beings is the fact that we are all unique in our own way.

Now, society is a funny thing because it has this ideal version of how it expects a human being to be.

And yet…

This almost goes against reality because no two human beings are ever alike.

In fact, recently I have began to notice that people who are too far outside of what society expects a human being to be are often made fun of or scolded for their uniqueness.

A self actualized individual will not look at their differences or uniqueness as a weakness. Instead, they look at them as a strength and if they don’t see them as a strength then they make them into a strength.

And believe me I get how difficult this can be.

I struggled with my own self image for almost my entire life.

In fact, I still do right now a little bit.

So, in my own effort to become self actualized I am accepted the reality of the situation,

“I have a mole”

And I am attempting to make what I see as a weakness into one of my greatest strengths.

“By telling you my “mole story” I am hoping to connect with you and turn you into a fan of this site.”

My Blindside Theory

blind

 

Look, your ex blindsided you for a number of reasons and I don’t want you to fall into the same mistake that I see time and time again from women.

What are those mistakes?

Well, they think that they can get their ex back without undergoing any type of significant change.

I’m sorry if this hurts your feelings but the truth is that if you want to have a chance of getting your ex boyfriend back then you are going to have to find a way to get him to look at you in a different type of light.

And self actualization is a great way to do that.

Think about it.

You came to this website, most likely because you want to figure out how to get your ex boyfriend back. In other words, you haven’t accepted reality (which is that he did break up with you.)

This makes you desperate to get your previous reality back.

Now, here is the thing about desperation.

It’s a killer.

Even if you aren’t desperate about your ex but desperate about your breakup that is going to shine through and you are going to appear desperate to those around you.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that you need to accept reality and move on. I’m not saying that at all. I am saying that if you accept reality you are going to appear different to your ex boyfriend.

You are going to project something new that he hasn’t seen before.

I often tell the story of my very first breakup and how I wanted nothing more than for my ex to beg for me back. I wanted her life to be ruined by the fact that we had broken up.

And for a while there, it kind of was.

She was the first to text me after the breakup…

 

She was the first to call me…

 

She called my friend and told him that she missed me…

 

She gave off all these signs that were a clear indication that I was a force that had ruined her dating life for a little while and this made me happy.

It gave me satisfaction.

But you know what it didn’t give me?

It didn’t give me a drive to want to get back with her.

And I think everything I just said is doubly true when you are dealing with an ex boyfriend who blindsided you and who knows that he blindsided you.

Think about it.

If your ex boyfriend knows that he blindsided you then he is going to be under the expectation that you are going to be very hurt by the breakup. He is going to expect you to beg. He is going to expect you to cry. Hell, he is going to expect you to act desperate.

And when you do he is going to be satisfied.

And this is where the common woman makes her mistake.

The common woman thinks,

Well, if a man is satisfied by this then wouldn’t that mean that he would want me back?

No….

Not even close.

Your ex boyfriend had certain expectations of you after the breakup and you basically played into them.

What’s exciting about that?

What’s interesting about it?

Think of it like a video game.

If you had all the cheat codes to a video game then the video game isn’t fun anymore. It’s easy.

DO NOT BE EASY!

Flip the script on your ex.

Teach him that he isn’t as hot a commodity as he thinks.

I can sit here and tell you everything to say (Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO) and everything to do but without the proper mindset it’s almost meaningless.

Self actualization comes first…

Everything else comes second…

October 25, 2016

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

With over 7 million women just like you coming to this site ever year, I’ve seen about every situation you could imagine. Most of the time, I can just ask a few questions about your situation and know in seconds the chances that you have of getting back together with him. I’ve compressed all of that wisdom into a single calculator What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back.

Take 4 Minute QuizAnd Find Out Your Chances!

What Do You Think? (108)

  1. Amelia - 0

    Amelia

    My ex and I were together for 7 months. He moved into my place shortly after we started dating. We were not intimate for several weeks even though he was living with me. Things were going really well and we clicked. Before we had met I was in a bad place at my job and was applying other places. 3 months into the relationship I was offered a job out of state. We sat down and discussed what the options were and what would be best. It was never a one sided relationship. We agreed it was a great opportunity and we decide to move together. He was a self employeed construction worker so he was worried about finding work. The location of the new job unfortunately didn’t have many options for rentals or places to stay so we purchased a 5th wheel from my brother and built a storage trailer for all my other belongings. We packed up and moved out of state. Things changed when we got here as I was not able to spend as much time with him learning my new job and getting to know my way around. We were staying on a women’s property and things with her started to become overbearing. He couldn’t deal with her constantly nagging him and getting him to do things and then complain about it. He found a new place for us to move. So we packed up and left. We spent almost all our free time together and discussed what was happening throughout the day. At one point he mentioned that he was depressed and felt that he took me away from everyone and everything I knew and he was sorry. He broke it off and I was extremely hurt, and overwhelmed. We spoke every single day after the break up until I had a mental breakdown a week ago. I knew my ex had started a new relationship a week after the breakup and moved her into the 5th wheel. We were still friends on Facebook at this time and a man I had met posted a video on my page, and within minutes my ex posted his relationship status. I was crushed. I went off and broke down calling him and texting him mean comments, I have to admit that this here was more going on for me as my previous ex who was abusive had just contacred me this here he day before. I was emotional spent and couldn’t handle it anymore. My current ex contacted my family and told them I need help. I haven’t heard from him since that time. I’m struggling each day and I know he is liking everything on his new girlfriends page and changing himself. He went and got several tattoos and dyed his hair the same day she did so they would match. She is 8 years younger. He kept telling me he loves me and wants to help me. That I came into his life at the wrong theme but theme hat we are meant to be in each other’s lives. This is theimehathe second girl he has been with since the breakup, he mentioned that living in theimehathe hegemony 5th wheel was just too crowded with 2 dogs and 2 people. He couldn’t even wait a week before he moved her on and still has 2 dogs. It has been 4 weeks at this point that that they have been together. Im concerned about him and what he is doing and I know I shouldn’t be an did that hey his hat I am who I should worry about. His actions and words are confusing me. Please help.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Amelia,

      did he meet her during the relationship? Are you getting professional help?

  2. Amy - 0

    Amy

    My boyfriend and I had been together for almost 5 years. I felt like everything was going fine, he seemed a little distant this past month because he said he was stressed out about work and I was trying to be understanding. The other day when I went to go see him after work he was acting like he didn’t want me there and being really quiet and not really responding to anything I was saying. So I decided to get up and told him I was going to go home and he said do you want to talk about it? I said okay…I told him I didn’t feel like he wanted me there and he shouldn’t have told me to come over. Then he proceeds to say that he doesn’t think the relationship has been going well. He hasn’t felt the same for the past two months and he just wants to be alone and he thinks we don’t talk as much as we used to. I just kept saying that I didn’t understand and I asked him what he wanted and he said that he didn’t know. I said that we can work on whatever he needs and we can make it work since we’ve already come this far. He didn’t budge and he said he just wants to be alone and he hasn’t been happy. I asked, so you are going to be happier alone than spending time with me? He said no. I asked if he didn’t love me anymore and he didn’t answer. I was crying a lot and he started crying too. Before I left I told him that I loved him and I cared about him and I wanted him to be a part of my life and he was crying. I feel like he gave me mixed signals and I’m not sure what to think. I don’t understand why he invited me to his family’s for christmas if he was feeling this way as well. I know I can’t force him to have feelings for me if he doesn’t but I know that we can get that spark back and we can work on our relationship and improve our communication. I texted him that same night that we broke up and he didn’t respond. I started NC, it’s only been 3 days but I feel like I lost my best friend and I love of my life and I feel so broken.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Amy,

      at least you started nc.. be active in improving yourself..

  3. Felicia - 0

    Felicia

    Confused,

    My ex and I have been together for 4 years and just about a week ago, he broke up with me unexpectedly. I received a text from him around 1 a.m. while he was at work stating that, “He could not do the relationship”. I went to his apartment the next day to try to talk him out of it to no avail. Everything has been going good in our relationship and I had no idea that he wanted to just breakup like this. His reasoning was that he was a very boring person and he did not want to do anything and felt that I deserved something more and he felt that he could not give me. Now we have broken up once before for basically the same reasons where he gets in a depressive mode and shuts down and feels that he can’t make me happy even though that’s not the case at all. I knew all about his loner personality at the start of his relationship so it never was a problem, we always compromised with things that he wanted to do and things that I wanted to do respectively. Another thing about him is that he is not really the talkative type, which I also knew at the beginning of our relationship. He also, states that he is a bad friend and shuts down completely from family members and friends. I can tell that he is depressed about something but he is not the type of person to talk about his feelings and he pushes away the people that care about him most. He says that he still is very much in love with me and does not want to lose me, so that’s where my confusion lies. I want him to know that he has me to get through this rough patch but he must let me in.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Felicia,

      how did you get back together before? Are you going to do the no contact rule?

    • Felicia - 0

      Felicia

      During the last breakup, the was no-contact for about 2 months then we gradually started talking again. Then we started to hang out with each other and we eventually got back together and it lasted about 2 years up until last week when he gave me the same reasoning as last time. I am applying the no-contact rule, I did send him a Merry Christmas text and thanked him for the gift he bought my daughter (not his). I also texted him the day after Christmas and told him that I loved him and missed him and that wasn’t going to change. I haven’t talked to him since then.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      that means you need to be transparebt with him before getting back together..he has to improve himself first and then ask him, what happens if he gets sad again? but it can take longer than 2 months this time before you actually see progress with him again

    • Felicia - 0

      Felicia

      Thank you so much, I figured that I needed to just give him some space so that he can work on himself. He’s just stubborn when it comes to expressing his feelings, he rather just holds it in and deal with it internally. He would rather sit in his room and play video games and be alone when he is really bothered. I also noticed that he is very vocal on social media, he debates a lot about political and social issues on Facebook and those can get intense to where he let’s what they say get to him. He does not have many friends since he is very selective on who he keeps in his circle.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      ok! You’re welcome!

  4. Casandra - 0

    Casandra

    Hi, my ex and i have been broken up for about 2.5 weeks now and i feel like i’ve completely lost everything.
    Back story: We have been together for almost 7 years. About 2-3 years ago, I met a guy at work and started flirting/texting with him. It only lasted about 4 days before my boyfriend found out. He was hurt and felt like he couldn’t trust me. I was determined to prove that he could trust me so I cut off contact with the guy, promised to not go on social media (because a lot of the interaction occurred on there), he had one request that if i were to ever start using it again to just let him know, i also allowed my boyfriend to read/ see all the conversations between me and the guy, i even cut off contact with all my other guy friends and even some girl friends and just did everything I could to prove that it didn’t mean anything and was a mistake and he could trust me. (Side note: i really didn’t even like or want to be in a relationship with the guy i just liked the attention). After all this happened, my relationship with my boyfriend improved drastically. We stopped fighting, and when we did we would fix it immediately. We spent more time with each other, we started traveling, and we just really embraced our relationship and our love for each other. Many times since the incident occurred, he has told me how proud he was of me that he can trust me again and that I really proved myself to him. We were talking about our future and making plans, we started these new routines that we would do every week like go to the grocery store every Friday and buy ingredients to make a huge dinner and cook together. He would show up at my house and whisk me away to these cute private places with nice sceneries where we could sit and talk for hours. And our relationship was just so strong. And i believe we were completely over what had happened with the guy years prior. So the week before Thanksgiving, my brother called me up and said that i “just had” to see this video he posted of my niece on snapchat, so for the first time in 3 years i logged on, watched the video, and then logged out. I didn’t think that this was important enough to tell my bf considering i was on for less than 5 minutes and wasn’t planning on using it again. A couple days later, during a convo while snuggling on the couch, he asks if i had gone on snapchat recently, i immediately panicked and said no. The second i said no i couldn’t believe i lied and didn’t know how to fix it. He didn’t believe me and kept asking but i was already in panic mode and continued to say no. One way or another he was able to figure out that I had been on recently and he immediately asked me to leave his house and to not contact him, he would contact me. We stood outside for over an hour with me crying and begging for him to let me explain that i never meant to lie i just panicked and didn’t know how to take it back. (Side note: i have always made it a point not to lie to my bf and am devastated i ruined that within seconds.) This was on a Saturday. I didn’t hear from him again till Thursday (Thanksgiving). He texted me and said “i am ready to talk” i replied hours later and asked if we could talk the next day as it was Thanksgiving and I was with family. He kept pushing to see me so i finally gave in thinking we were just going to talk things out. He pulled up to my driveway and broke up with me. We both cried in his car for over and hour with him telling me he just couldn’t trust me and me pleading with him that he could and that it was just an accident. The next day (Friday) we texted and he agreed to re think our relationship. Throughout the next week i kept texting and calling for him to just block me. Finally the following Friday (Dec 2) he agreed to talk to me at his house. I kept explaining my side to him and that we shouldn’t be broken up and he said he knows but i lied so he cant trust me. He then went on to talk about what happened years ago. I told him that he lead me to believe we were past that and that he even told me that he trusted me, he agreed and said that he couldn’t believe the trust he had for me until I lied over this stupid little fight. I told him I permanently deleted all my social media and contacts in my phone and i’m willing to do whatever it takes to show him just how trustworthy i am. He said he can’t see himself with me anymore and told me i couldn’t change his mind. He told me he loves me and we hugged and cried for a long time. I even saw in his room that he still has the candy bar and bag of chips that i was eating the night if our fight still sitting on his table. When i confronted him he told me he couldn’t bring himself to throw them out. He also said that he has been drinking every night since the break up.
    He walked me to my car and we said i love you again.
    The next day (Sat Dec 3) we emailed and that was the last time i spoke to him.
    Since the break up I’ve lost 10 lbs, i cant eat/ sleep, I’m having panic attacks, my friends are worried for me, i cant stop crying and i feel completely empty inside. My friends and family have been taking me out to get my mind off of it, I’ve even tried talking to some guys. But i feel absolutely nothing, i cant stop thinking about him. I truly believe in my heart and my gut that we are supposed to be together. When talking to friends and family they feel that after everything happened and how happy we were, this was just a bump in the road and he over reacted they say they can just look at me and see how sorry i am for lying and that it just wouldn’t happen again.
    I’ve lost that fun spark about me, i try to be happy but everyone sees right through me.
    As of right now, i’m trying NC. Its been a week and one day and i feel like I am going insane.
    I am scared i don’t have a chance of getting back together with him as he is stubborn and said “he cant see us getting back together”
    He even said during our talk that he just wants some time to ourselves so we can get over each other and then we can be friends and do things normally, like he wants me to go over his house and cook dinners like we always do and watch movies on his couch or go out for drinks. He doesn’t even want to tell him family or friends why we broke up because he doesn’t want them thinking negatively about me. So he hasn’t spoken to anyone about the relationship and I’m afraid when he does they’re going to encourage him to get over me.
    At this point, i feel helpless. He can trust me 100% and i want a chance to prove that to him. I can’t really see my life without him. I know i shouldn’t do this to myself over a guy but at this point he’s my other half. He improves my life and makes me happy. It seems to me that he is sitting at his house drinking and trying to force himself to stop loving me and i’m sitting here loving him all because he has this idea that he can’t trust me and he can.
    Please help me!
    Do i have a chance in getting him back?
    If so, how?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Cassandra,

      Your first mistake is that you became subdominant after the flirting thing. It’s ok to cut all contact with the guy, but to cut all social media and friends is unreasonable. You related it to the mistake which you shouldn’t have. Cutting contact with the guy was enough. And you didn’t actually moved on from it, because if you did, you wouldn’t be afraid to use social media and to let him know about it. Start by taking back your power by making more appropriate actions. Go back to the social media, reconnect with friends, stop chasing. You’ve already explained your side. That’s enough. If you’re afraid that being active in social media will make him angry, then make an indirect post saying that it’s been a long time since you used your account because of personal reasons but you’re restarting your life, and doing the things you love doing because there’s nothing wrong with it. Take back power and responsibility. Your sincere apology and explanation was enough. If he still doesn’t want to believe you, then don’t be a victim to it. Don’t be a victim to his ego and authority. The power in the relationship should be equal and not being able to do what you like doing and see your friends is not a healthy relationship.

    • Casandra - 0

      Casandra

      Amor,
      Thank you,
      I’ve amped up my twitter and started posting things like going out with friends and just showing that I’m happy. I, also, included that I got a job and am going to the gym more (Things he encouraged me to do).
      He text me the other day saying “hey. idk why i texted you. Anyway, I think reality finally sank in and I’m having a difficult time trying to act like this break up hasn’t phased me anymore. I hope you are well, take care of yourself”
      I didn’t answer back and two hours later he replied “Are you ignoring me?”
      I’m not sure what this means
      Due to stupidity and my friends/family encouraging me, I replied back a few hours later with “Well i dont know if you’re just letting me know how you are feeling right now or are you trying to tell me something”
      It’s been 2 days now and no reply from him. I don’t understand why he would text me ask if im ignoring him and then go and ignore me.
      Anyway, I don’t know what he’s thinking but I know he is the type of guy that if he’s missing me/ knows he made a mistake and he sees that I’m okay and happy, he won’t tell me because he wouldn’t want to bother me, he will just deal with his problems by himself. So at this point, idk what that text meant and idk what to do.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      That’s very good! I think it meant what it said.. He missed you.. and that’s it, he just wants to talk because he missed the talking but that doesn’t mean he wants to get back with you.. If he is the type that lets you be then that means you can focus in improving yourself and getting your self esteem back and your life to grow before talking to him again

    • Casandra - 0

      Casandra

      Hi Amor,
      So it has been over a month since I had last seen my ex, when i posted laat time, my ex boyfriend had texted me saying he was having a difficult time dealing with the break up, two days after he text me to get drinks, i agreed and we met up. After we meet up and asking why he asked me out, he said he “justwanted to see whats up” we end up going back to his place to talk and end up sitting there for almost 8 hours. He told me that he missed me amd that he doesn’t want to rule out us ever getting back together. he said he doesnt want to be with anyone else or talk to anyone, and if he wanted to be in a relationship again he wanted it to be with me. The whole time i could see it written across his face that he loved me and for some reason he was pushing me away but would only say that we cant be together because he “cant trust me”. The whole time he wouldnt let me go. He has his arm around my waist and would just keep pulling me closer and he would start to cry, i know there has to be something else because the reason he gave is childish and it was obviously to me that he wanted to be with me. Thiugh, the whole time he said that we cant be laying down like this because it was “inappropriate” which doesn’t make much sense to me.
      I even saw his mom that night and her words to me were “he has a little boy mind, he doesnt get it, don’t stop trying”
      He even told me that he was checking up on my twitter and i had gone to the christmas spectacular (something he really wanted to do) and he was upset that i went without him.
      The whole night he also jusy kept saying to me “casandra you’re so beautiful. I never toldyou that enough when we were going out. I dont think i even realized kt but you’re so beautiful. Omg. You’re so beautiful” (This is so confusing to me)
      When i was leaving he said he that he would see/contact me the next week.
      I even ran into him the next day on campus and he came running over to me with the biggest smile on his face and acting like we never broke up.
      The next week came and went and i didn’t hear anything from him. He even went all through Christmas without a single text. And then the day after Christmas i was woken up by two calls from him. I decided to ignore them. About 4 hours later, i get a text from him saying “hey, im not sure why you’re dodging my calls but do you have my ski jacket”
      Of course this was upsetting to me but i replied that i did and that i was leaving my house but i would leave it for him outside (that way we didn’t have a chance to see eachother). He text me again asking why i was ignoring his calls and i ignored that text as well. I ended up going out for HOURS. And when i got back, the jacket was still there. But not even 5 minutes after i got home, he ended up coming to get it. I haven’t heard from him since that day. He even went through New Years and my birthday without a single text. I feel like this is so weird and unlike him especially since we dated 7 years and he expressed that he wanted to be friends. Like how can you not text me happy birthday? Especi When he knows how bad this break up has affected me.
      Another strange thing happened: a kid from my college followed me on twitter, and my immediate thought was that he had some connection to my ex. When i was looking through his profile i doscovered that he just had alot of similarities and liked the same things as my ex. The kid ended uo messaging me, and i kept it cool and neutral, just incase. We ended up texting back and forth for a week and scheduled to meet up, whenever he wasnted to meet up, i realized that they were at the same times my ex would be off of work and available, there were just a lot of coincidences that I feel like can’t be ignored. (Like maybe this kid is one of my ex’s new friends and they’re kind of baiting me). So finally the kid and i were about to meet up, the kid texted me something like “im leaving work soon” and then i never heard from him again. It’s like he fell off the face of the earth. I expressed my concern to my family and friends and told them about all the coincidence and they have the same feeling as i do, that my ex is somehow behind this new guy talking to me. Though, i dont want to put this blaming on my ex because for all we know, it could have just been a huge coincidence.

      I’ve had a lot of time to think and i know that i want my ex back more than anything. I’ve done the 30 days nc and i dont know what to do.
      Everyone tells me he’s going to regret this break up but i feel like unless someone tells him exaxtly what he did wrong, he’s not going to understand. I kind of want to just call him and let him know like “im
      Okay walking away from this relationship because i know at this point that i didnt do anything wrong.” And then just kind of explain to him my side of things again and express to him how this break up doesnt make any sense. Like we had a beautiful happy relationship. Always happy and laughing and always with eachother enjoying one another and he bails after this misunderstanding? Its just absurd.
      I was hoping to get your advice and thoughts on this?
      It’s been almost 2 months since the breakup and i still cry my eues out everynight and i have the worst panic attacks over this. I miss him so much. He was my bestfriend amd my boyfriend and im determined to get him back. I just dont know how to start. At this pint i dont feel like it’s an option. I have tk get him back.

      Would you please offer some advice? Thank you.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      I really think that kid is your ex..it’s a very small chance that it’s a coincidence.. so that means you didnt actually did 30 days..
      are you still actively improving yourself? what did you and that kid talked about?

  5. Ola - 0

    Ola

    Hi!
    My ex and I we are right now friends with benefits. It was his idea. During our meetings he was talking about girls which we wanted to date or something. Between those meeting we were texting only about when we were going to meet. However recently something has changed. He has started to text me in normal way, to chat about different topics. During our last meeting I stayed at his house fo a night( it hadn’t happened before) and he hugged me, just like we used to do, when we were couple. Is there a chance that he still thinks about me? Does he start to feel something for me? What should I do ?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      HI Ola,

      stop being sleeping with him. It is his idea but you have your own decision. If you really want to be taken seriously, act like it. Don’t be friends with benefits. If he leaves you because of it, then that shows he really is not serious with you. Just be friends first. Build a relationship that way.

  6. Donna - 0

    Donna

    Amor,

    I am currently doing NC once again after I failed at contacting my ex leaving him a tweet congratulating him on his new job that he has been waiting years for. Well, at least I think it was a failed attempt. I sent him the tweet using my other Twitter account and I haven’t checked it since November 30 when I sent the tweet.

    I tried to ask Chris for help. He messaged me once on Facebook messenger, but he hasn’t replied in a couple weeks.

    I feel lost here Amor. I have been working out and walking 3 miles a day since Thanksgiving. I have also been helping out my mom with my grandma at the nursing home. Not to mention I have been job hunting also.
    Do I need to regain my patience or is this a lost cause considering that my ex seems to have insecurity issues and blocked me because of miscommunications?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Donna,

      I think by this time, you should move on. Maybe it’s a mid life crises or not but what’s apparent right now is that he has moved on.

  7. Necey - 0

    Necey

    My Ex and I began dating in May of ’16 and things moved very quickly. We are both in our 30’s but I am 5 years older than him. Within weeks I had met his mother, his friends, extended family and two children and we were traveling together as a couple. My relationship with them continued to grow. After a month he told me he loved me and began to bring up topics such as marriage and us having a family together. He was the perfect boyfriend, so considerate, generous and thoughtful. He wanted to meet my family and friends who all loved him as well. I was cautious, at first but slowly began to fall in love with him as well. His friend were all happy for us and some even told me “I was the best woman” he ever dated.

    Towards the end of the summer I got a new job which was a pretty stressful transition for me and simultaneously he began to have some temporary financial difficulties and his children moved to another state. Additionally, I think he felt some type of way that I made more money than him as well. He mentioned that my job was stressing him out as I was constantly talking about it. (In retrospect I was). I did try to make some adjustments so that I did not overwhelm him with my new job but after deep reflection I did somewhat change in the relationship once I went into “work mode.” Towards the beginning of Oct 16′ he began not to call daily and I could tell something was off. He mentioned that “I was winning” and when I said “we are winning” he said he doesn’t feel that way bc of his financial situation. A few weeks later when I asked him about what was going on as he was increasingly distant, he said “he needed space and that he is in a place where he wants to get married, but he is not where he wants to be financially.” I said ok, if you think that is best, as I don’t want to make you hurt, and gave him a hug leaving on good terms. He said he didn’t want to break up and texted me for a few days but then I didn’t hear from him anymore.

    I went into no contact for three weeks and then texted him a “I came across something you re going to want to hear about” and the conversation began friendly for a week or two. Then we ended up having a conversation about “why he broke up with me” and it was somewhat tense. “He said I did not have his back etc and that if he needed help he would have helped me etc.” I replied that “I didn’t know your full situation and you get uncomfortable when ever I try to pay for anything.” He called me later that day, asked me to lunch and began texting me in the morning for about a week. A week or so later he called me to see if I wanted to go to lunch and I said I can’t but can we chat about something later (I have a major ceremony coming up I was going to invite him to). He said “I told you I can’t be in a relationship right now” I said “ok, I understand” but my phone cut off (signal) and we didn’t speak for a week. Thanksgiving he texted me and I replied several hours later.

    Needless to say I am BLIND SIDED… Do you think this is a case of he needs to get his life in order to be with me? Is he intimidated by my financial situation in comparison to his? Can men function in relationships when they do not feel they are “winning?” I really love this man and am sad about the definite potential our relationship had as well as the severance of the relationship between his children, mother and I. Should I go back into no contact for a longer period of time? I believe the first time I did caused him to think I abandoned him when he needed me.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Necey,

      honestly it looks like miscommunication.. He felt insecure before, and then he broke up with you, after that it looks like he expected you to chase, which is good that you didn’t.. And maybe he was being stubborn because pride is all he’s got.. And then it looks like his ego was hurt when he invited you out then you declined. So, he went back at you by saying he doesn’t want a relationship.. I’m not saying you should have accepted his invite.. Im just saying how his reaction looked like to me.. I can be wrong but if Im right.. Then he’s being immature.. You have to have a calm talk about what you both feel… If he continues being stubborn then you have decide if you still want to wait for him

    • Necey - 0

      Necey

      Thank you Amor! I sent him lunch to his job over the weekend and he called while I was in a bad signal area so I only recieved a text from him telling me he called. When I reached back out he didnt respond nor when I phoned him Sunday evening to invite him to the major event. Today I followed back up and low and behold…he blocked me!

      I rarely contact him first and did no repeated calling or text gnatting, lol. He remarked on several occassions after the break that it was ok for me to and that I should call him. Crazy right, lol…

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Yeah..I think you should let him cool down.. When he gets to his senses, talk..

  8. Steph - 0

    Steph

    My ex and I ended on good terms. He thinks I’m a wonderful woman but we’re “victims of circumstance”. Our circumstance is that we both travel for a living and we don’t see each other enough. I don’t think we tried very hard to make things work and I’m disappointed that he gave up so easily (8 months). I’m one week into NC and received a positive text.
    If he already thinks I’m a good person, is there a way to convince him to try our relationship again?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Steph,

      do you have a solution in mind for your situation?

    • Steph - 0

      Steph

      I’m not sure of a solution yet. I want to see how the first few texts go after NC. I think he will respond positively and I want to show him we can change the circumstances. I’m working on me and recovering during NC but I’m nervous about those first few contacts.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Ok, use a topic that he loves talking about

  9. Laura - 0

    Laura

    My ex and I were together for 16 months. Once we hit a year and we both started new jobs, we started having some problems, but they seemed normal and we were genuinely happy together. My mom and my uncle suggested I read “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”, and basically all of our problems are in there (him withdrawing and me getting clingy, needy, and insecure as a result). That book is literally like a how-to guide on our relationship. But we always talked through them, and I thought things were getting better, and I was feeling happier and more secure with him in the relationship. Even with our problems, we didn’t fight that much (we had talked about why we thought that was, and we just genuinely didn’t have much to fight about). I thought we were happy together.
    One night after work, we met up together at a bar. While we were there, we talked about going to a Virginia Tech game the weekend after the election, and just two days before that, we had been talking about going to his family’s vacation house for Thanksgiving. We had a couple drinks (we weren’t drunk though), and we went back to my place to watch a PBS documentary. We were talking all through the documentary and he even ate my leftovers from a few nights before. When the program was over, we decided to go to bed and fool around. Things weren’t quite jiving, and I was getting a little upset. Suddenly, he starts saying how he can’t make me happy and that I need time to work on myself, and that he wasn’t happy either (complete news to me). I was a complete hysterical mess, I couldn’t breathe, I was shaking, my face was soaked in tears, and it’s a little bit hazy. When he got up to leave, I looked up at him and asked “I’m never going to hear from you again, am I?” He said that of course I would hear from him, he would talk to me that weekend (it was a Friday night), and he left. When I didn’t hear from him that weekend, I went to visit my family for the week and get some space and clarity and I texted him to tell him that and that I thought I deserved an explanation and a say. No response.
    Flash forward to two weeks later, I still hadn’t heard anything from him. My mom, convinced that this was just him needing space to work for the upcoming election (he works for a union) and that I should open up a dialogue so this didn’t become a standoff, convinced me to call him. I called from an unknown number, and he picked up. I didn’t cry, I didn’t recriminate, I didn’t even act too sad. I told him what I’d been up to, what was happening in my life, asked him about his, but his guard was up the whole time, and he didn’t really give me much to work with. Then I told him I missed him, and he said he didn’t miss me in the way I hoped he did. After that I wished him luck with the election, and hung up and cried. I haven’t talked to him since.
    Even though he completely broke my heart, I still love him so much, and I want him back. We were incredibly happy together for almost all of our relationship, and I the problems we did have, I think are completely fixable, especially with “Men are from Mars”. I am doing everything I can to soul search, improve myself, and come to self-actualization. I want to own my own happiness, but I still also really want him back. Have I completely messed up by talking to him since the breakup or is there still a chance? Please help me.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Laura,

      I think you still have a shot.. Just start the count of nc from the day after that talk

    • Laura - 0

      Laura

      It has been three weeks since that conversation, and I have to admit that last conversation has made NC pretty easy. I’ve been exercising every day, eating healthy (as a result of both of those, I’ve lost fifteen pounds and I even ran a 5k), seeing a counselor in-person once a week, signed up to volunteer at an animal shelter, accepting every single social invitation offered to me, and this Saturday I’m leaving for a two week trip to India and Sri Lanka with my mom. Every single solution that is suggested to me, from as big as learning to cook to as small as eating every meal off of a pretty plate, I am at least trying, short of drugs, alcohol (I don’t trust myself and I just have no desire), and sleeping around. My plan is to go through Christmas in NC, since I will be abroad most of that time anyway.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Wow!!! That’s the right steps! Go Girl!! Enjoy! I’m envious!

    • Laura - 0

      Laura

      Would “through the holidays” be too long in NC? That would make it about 6 weeks. I bought the PRO book a few days ago and it said that too much longer then 30 days in NC and he starts to move on. It wasn’t a nasty breakup, like we weren’t fighting or calling each other names and he said I was “a wonderful person” at the end (though I wouldn’t call it a “not bad” breakup, and during it, I begged him not to do it). I’m trying to move into preparing texts, but I’m really nervous about how it’s going to go since it went so badly the last time (for the record, it was before I read this website and the NC rule) and I want to be able to enjoy my vacation as much as I can without worrying about him. I know there’s no guarantee, but I really really want this to go right, and I’m so nervous.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      If you came to the point of begging then you have to change that image.. And it also means, he has started to move on or lost attraction at that time..so, it would be better to take this as a restart

    • Laura - 0

      Laura

      I’m trying to change that image, with all of the stuff I’m doing above and by not talking to him. The other night I saw one of our mutual friends who helped us get together, and I was very bubbly and happy, talked naturally about all of the things I’ve been up to since the breakup and didn’t mention the breakup at all. I’ve noticed he is looking at my snapchat stories again. What do you mean by restart?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Restart, like both of you have moved on, so you can start out as friends again and slowly build rapport and attraction

  10. Patricia - 0

    Patricia

    So, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. Everything seemed nice, thus I was blindsided when three days ago he broke up with me. He said although he loves me very much, he needs to see whatelse is there (I was his first girlfriend and the only person he had sex with). Also he said he didn’t want to hurt me by cheating.
    Then he came to my home and left my things, cried a lot and left. I iniciated the NC right after.
    I really love him, and know that he loves me too. Although i respect his curiosity, im desperate and lost.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi,

      it looks like he’s in a grass is greener syndrome. Check this one:
      The Grass is Greener Syndrome For Ex Boyfriends

    • Patricia - 0

      Patricia

      He seems to miss me.. But doesnt talk to me or anything.
      I’m 8 days into NC, working on improving myself, and trying to be happy.
      I read about the grass is greener syndrom, is there any special steps i should take in this case? (i have the ex boyfriend recovery pro, and can’t find anything about that in the book)

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Approach it like he moved on to the new girl.. You have to let them run their course while you’re still in nc and then just focus in improving yourself during and after nc

    • Patricia - 0

      Patricia

      I need help urgent please.
      Saturday afternoon, i was going for a ride, as i always do (actually as we always do, same spot everything), parked to smoke, and we ran into eachother. It wasnt planned whatsoever, i was doing for the sake of thinking and organizing my thoughts.
      He pulled over the parking lot, and ask if I could talk to him for a minute.
      I got out the car, he ran to me immediately and hugged me crying, saying how bad he missed me and asking if i could share a cigarette with him.
      I kept it calm and collected, didnt cry or bring up the break up, we made some small talk, he told me about his life and i listened. I didnt talk that much. Then I said goodbye, he hugged me again for about a minute, and then i came home.
      Did I fuck up? I couldnt just sprint out the parking lot without looking crazy..
      Did i just hurt all my progress?
      Please please help

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Nope, you handled the situation well..

  11. A - 0

    A

    So my ex broke up with me a month ago, saying that he needed to focus on his career. In a way, I was blindsided, but we also had a fight a few days prior which was unrelated to the reasons he cited. I didn’t try to chase his mind especially since he said that he has already decided that he’ll be working abroad. It was a bad breakup as he simply ghosted me and ended up blocking me on Facebook. I hadn’t talked to him since nor had I attempted to do so even through text.
    What’s currently bothering me is that when his younger brother messages me, the messages seem like they came from him. (Case in point: I made a comment saying that someone might get mad if I tutored his younger brother. Seeing as the younger brother knew the ins and outs of the breakup, I had assumed that he’d immediately think that my ex would get mad. Instead, he started pestering me non-stop about my alleged new bf. He acted really jealous. Mind you, it was the YOUNGER BROTHER that I was talking to, not my ex. Why would he be jealous?) What’s more is that his younger brother admitted that my ex had previously used his account to talk to me, posing as him.
    After much deliberation, I realized that there was a large chance that he could be using his brother’s account to talk to me. There were a lot of inconsistencies and there were topics that I knew a brother wouldn’t delve into with his older brother’s ex. I don’t understand. My ex blocked me on Facebook and Instagram, he showed up at an event my school organized when he knew that I could be there (I’m currently in grad school while he’s already working), and then he might be using his brother’s account to check up on me and talk to me? Why?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi A,

      he might still have feelings but that doesnt mean he wants to go back with you, so that’s his way of knowing things about you…

  12. Jay - 0

    Jay

    So, my boyfriend and I were together a little over a year. We got into a relationship fairly quickly after knowing each other. The attraction between us was so strong that we couldn’t just be friends. About 3 weeks ago I got a call from him that we should take a break. It came as a shock because we we’re having any problems. Not that I was aware of anyway. I was so heartbroken but I told him to go if he really wanted to break to think things over. After a couple of days of not talking to him, he broke up with me. He said that he needed space. He didn’t know what he wanted anymore and wanted to find himself. I didn’t make a big scene about it. I let him know how much I care about him and if he wants to go then he should. The thing that surprised me is that he began to cry because he hurt me. I was confused about that because if he was feeling a away about the relationship, he should have just talked to me about it and see if we both lost our way along the line and see how we can go about it together. Now that he wants out and I’ve given him the right to leave why is he crying? I would have cried too but I never want to put myself in a position where it looks like I’m begging for a guy to be with me even if on the inside I’m dying over him. The next two days after the break up we barely talked. He would initiated contact with me and I responded as minimally as possible. Four days after the breakup I officially implemented no contact. The funny thing is that on that day, I went to church. He came to church very late that day and he seen off – he wasn’t himself. He walked passed me several times but didn’t even acknowledge me. I could feel him looking at me from where he was sitting but I tried my best not to give him my attention. It’s been officially 2 weeks now since I started NC. After having this time to think, I have a new perspective about our relationship. I know he said he lost his way but I think I did too I was just scared to communicated it to him. We always said we loved each other and we would do anything to keep our relationship together. But when they going got tough I feel like he just gave up and left without even giving us a fighting chance. I understand that relationships are full off ups and downs. This was basically our first down. Should I fight to keep are relationship to a fresh start after NC is over or simply let it go? Is there any chance I cold get him back or at least back to a point where we can talk openly with each other again?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Jay,

      Don’t overthink.. Just do nc for now. Focus in yourself, and then think about either moving on or trying after nc.. If you weren’t focused in healing in improving yourself in the past two weeks, restart the count because that’s the most important thing in nc.

  13. J - 0

    J

    Amor! I hope our breakup fairy is doing good 🙂 . I wanted to come back and give an update on progress. I don’t know how much you guys hear back from us who have gotten our exes back but I’m sure post-rekindle info would be useful for you lol. Also wanted to give some hope to other ladies who might read this.
    So my bf and I broke up 2 and a half months ago. We have been back together for a month now and have been together almost 8 months including the 1 month apart. I just want to say everything is going so great, even better than before the break up. He’s improved his communication a lot, being very attentive and I’ve stopped making things so easy for him/babying him. He even surprised me with a date a few weeks ago and took me to this nice restaurant. That’s something we never did before.
    What I really want to tell other ladies is that everything on this site really has the potential to work. But even after you get your ex back, work DOES NOT STOP. There are things that I still have to continue doing that I was doing during the NC/texting periods. For example, I’ve stayed super busy so I don’t txt him back right away. As the articles say here, it really does increase attraction and create the illusion of the chase for him even when you’re back together. Another important thing is understanding the power and value in the word “no”. Before we broke up, I would always come over when he asked, txt when he asked, even have sex when he asked, etc even if I didn’t feel like it. I just wanted to keep him happy. This time around, “no” is my best friend. I’m not just saying no to things just to be mean or put him in check, I’m saying it for myself. But with “no” also comes compromise, because his needs are still important as well. If I don’t feel like coming over one day because I had a long day at school, I won’t and just postpone or txt or call him instead. All of it just ties back to not being so available. And the beauty of it is, being unavailable will be completely natural if you’re ACTUALLY unavailable. The easiest way is to keep a strong balance between friends, work, self, and your bf. (I also encourage him to do the same and not just focus on me). He will respect you for it and you will be stronger as a couple. 😉
    Basically, I know things feel rough right now but in the big picture of things, if you value yourself and put your wants and needs first, then he will be more likely to value you too and become/stay attracted.
    A note on jealousy: if you become a UG during NC, stay one! You will notice you’re getting a lot of attention from other guys and that’s fine. What I do with this is I won’t tell my bf EVERY time someone hits on me because I don’t want him to start feeling insecure. But once in a while, I’ll throw it in a conversation like “oh yea that just reminded me babe, the other day at work this guy…”. I dnt go in trying to make him think I’ll leave him but if he knows that there’s other people who want you to he will 1) start feeling lucky because he has what other guys can’t get and 2) will keep chasing you so you don’t have a reason to leave him.
    So Amor, Chris, and team, again thank y’all so much for everything so far and I hope me giving updates will help me be as helpful to you as you were to me <3 🙂

    Reply
    • J - 0

      J

      Ps. We broke up out of nowhere too. So all hope isn’t lost

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi J,

      Thank you so much for sharing! I’m very glad the nc has help you grow continuously!!

  14. Arica - 0

    Arica

    Hey guys!
    So, my boyfriend of three months just broke up with me out of nowhere and I am extremely upset! I know 3 months doesn’t seem long and typically I would never fall for someone this quickly, but we met on match.com and honestly he seemed like the one. We had SO much in common it was actually a little scary. We both made it clear in the beginning that we were looking for something serious because we are both ready to settle down. I am 24 (mature for my age) and he is 29. I am in school getting my masters degree and he is a police officer. We have never had an argument. I met his family and all of his friends (most of which are married with children) and he has met mine. He met my mom just 2 weekends ago and seemed really excited about is and said how much he loved my family and how much his family likes me, everything seemed perfect! He actually told me numerous times “You know I’m going to marry you one day right,” “you make me so happy,” “I love you so much,” “I can’t wait until we start to live together,” “How did I get so lucky.” Things of that sort. He said the marriage thing a lot actually. Well it is midterm time and I started to get slammed with assignments so i have been pretty busy but still seeing and talking to him just as much, until this past weekend. On Saturday(10/15) I was supposed to go with him and his family to carter mountain and I had to cancel last minute because of the amount of homework I had to do. He said something along the lines of “Geez, you’ve been really busy recently!” and my response was “yeah, well this will be my life for the next 2 years” (that’s when i graduate) and he said “well i guess i can’t be mad because i pick up a lot of overtime, lol.” This conversation happened at the end of last week. Then, Saturday, on his way back from carter mountain he facetimed me and said “you would love it there! we have to go one weekend!” and we made plans for us to see each other this week. He said he wanted to do something special on Wednesday (today) because we hadn’t in a while. Last week was the first week i hadn’t seen him for a full week due to work and school. Then on Monday (10/17) he broke up with me, completely blindsided!!! He said “last thing i want to do is hurt you but i haven’t been feeling as strong about this relationship as i was and i don’t know what it is but i don’t feel in it 100% and its not fair to you, i was going to bring it up sooner but i didn’t know how and i know this is out of the blue but i just don’t know what to do”.” I responded by said “how is this possible when we were just making plans for all this stuff we were going to do? You told me you wanted to marry me and how much you loved me and as soon as i let you in you just throw it all in my face.” He said “i don’t know what else to say but I’ve been feeling this way for a while now” and that was pretty much the end of the conversation. But I just don’t understand. Just about a month ago he took me to this really fancy restaurant one night for dinner just to tell me that he was in love with me and that he WAS going to marry me. I had made some comment earlier that week about a wedding dress i saw on Facebook and he said that he would be standing across from me while i was wearing that wedding dress. And more recently he said this to me again. I’ve learned to take words as grain of salt so i never let them sink in but one night he was saying the marriage and love stuff and I just looked at him and said “really, do you mean it?” and he looked at me and said “of course i do! you shouldn’t have to ask me that! you know how much you mean to me!” and embraced me and we kissed. It felt like a really special moment to me! I just don’t understand what happened! It makes no sense. The ONLY thing i could think of was that he was scared i wouldn’t have enough time for him because of school. I want to ask him if this is why he broke up with me but I know I am supposed to do 30 days of no contact. How can I show him that I do have time for him?! I honestly could see myself marrying him. I love him! Please help!!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Arica,

      Yeah, it loks like he realized you’re still young and just starting out in life.. That doesnt mean you’re immature but that you’re in different stages in life.. You’re going to be busy for two years and of course it doesnt end in that,.you would be busy finding a job, and then adjusting to the new job.. What if you realized it was not the right one for you, which is ok but that also means you would search and adjust in the new one again..
      I know that’s too far ahead but I’m just stating what he might be thinking..

      The least you can do right now is to try the no contact rule and show through social media that you have other things going on in your life, not just school…

    • Arica - 0

      Arica

      Hi Amor,
      I understand, and that may be what he is thinking, however, he knew I was in school from the beginning and he never said anything negative about school until the week before we broke up. I started to get a lot of assignments and he said “geez, you have been really busy lately” but the conversation didn’t really go much further than that. I text him today for the first time since we broke up last week because I wanted to get the actual reason he broke up with me, since the school thing was just an assumption. I said “Hey, i’v been trying to figure out what happened between us. We hadn’t had an argument and you never said anything was bothering you so I thought we were happy. I know your mind is made up but can you tell me what made your feelings change? I’d rather talk in person but if you don’t want to I understand” and he never responded to the message!!!! I just want him to know that I do have time for him and the kind of relationship he is looking for, if that WAS why he broke up with me. Im just really upset that he didn’t respond to me at all! I was NOT expecting that!

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      well, let’s wait for now, if he answers that.. IF he doesn’t answer for a week, then that means it’s better to just start the count for the no contact rule.

  15. Hailey - 0

    Hailey

    An email response would be great! My ex blindsided me with our break up. Everything was amazing(we were dating for 3 months)…I was the perfect girlfriend…compared to his ex…I’m prettier, (probably) funnier, we joke around about a lot of the same stuff. In advertatly I ended up living with him for a month(I “lost” my keys(put them in a place I never normally would and thought I lost them) at his house. We both have separate places btw. So while staying there I cooked, and cleaned and did everything to make him happy and try to be less of a burden. I was falling in love(I know that sounds crazy after 3 months but I wouldn’t have this pit in my stomach that makes me puke every time I eat if I didn’t)…Now I’m a lazy ass person…I HATE cleaning, but I did those things for him because they were for him. I kissed him like no other ex boyfriend. I would give him back massages and blah blah. And I made him happy. He told me so…so this break up…blew me out of the water…I’m a fucking wreck. There’s this kind of numb feeling..idk how to explain it…anyways…here’s why he broke up with me: he and his ex were pretty heavy together… “I love you baby” and they were going to move in…until she cheated on him…that was in February(2016) we started dating in July(2016) he still has feelings for her and felt it’s not fair to me to be together with those feelings…he says in the future he hopes we can try again…is there any way to speed up his healing process so I can get him back faster? I’m heart broken.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Hailey,

      nope.. you cant control him but be thankful that he did that instead of using you as a rebound

  16. Grace - 0

    Grace

    Hi! So I am 18. So is my guy. We attend the same college and we had been dating for 2 years and 7 months. Then one night, I was jealous over him talking to a girl because me and him had had a miscommunication. Anyways, it spiraled out of control and the next thing I knew, he wanted to take a break for a week. 2 days later, he took me out on a really nice date and we had fun and laughed a lot and he apologized and everything seemed ok. Then 2 days later, he tells me that he is not in love with me anymore. He had said he wanted to give it a chance between us though because he really did want to be with me. 3 days later his best friend miscommunicated to me and made it sound like my guy was pursuing another girl. Both my guy and his best friend explained to me that this was not true, but my guy broke up with me. The next day, I went to go get my laptop from his house and he was all over me and was crying telling me that he made a mistake. It has been a little over a week since then and he says he doesn’t know what he wants. Yesterday morning I saw him and we shared many laughs and we seemed ok. That night we were at a party together and he told me he was having a really bad day and said he does not want to get back together. Then he took me home from the party because I could not drive and was very sweet and today he is still talking to me and making sure I feel ok. He also said he wants to talk to me tomorrow in person (he is busy today). I love him so much and I am realizing mistakes I made and I am actively trying to fix them. I just don’t understand what is going on because he can’t make up his mind. Please help.

    Reply
  17. Sabrina - 0

    Sabrina

    Hi,
    My ex and I were dating for 3 months. Our best friends were all dating each other and we had a wonderful summer together. I thought everything was going great, until he started to seem more distant. I asked him questions about why things were off and he said that everything was perfect. He ignored me for an entire weekend and then broke up with me on the Monday. We were together the friday and everything seemed to be OK. I didn’t know that I was going to be wanting him back right away, so I decided to contact him so that I could speak. We met up yesterday and I got to tell him all that I was feeling, since during the breakup he’s the only one that spoke. I found out that he feels as though things got awkward and as if nothing was happening in our relationship. I told him that for a relationship to work both people have to put in effort and I never got the impression that he was putting in the work… Now, all of my best friends think that I’m better off without him.. I disagree. I know this person very well and I know that we clicked. The way I was when I was with him was at my best and the same goes for him, we bring out the best in each other. He is my best friend and I want him back. I am officially trying the no contact rule, but I’m skeptical. If he broke up with me because he felt like things weren’t working, do you think it would work?
    Thank you!!!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Sabrina,

      How old are you both? There’s no guarantee that it will work.. How did it happen that he’s not putting in effort while you felt that it was the best at the same time? Did he got bored of the relationship?

    • Sabrina - 0

      Sabrina

      We’re both 19. It was when we weren’t together that I felt the lack of effort. When we were together he was very nice to me and made me feel really good. But when we weren’t together he didn’t really text me much. Honestly, I think he got tired of me asking him if everything was ok. I have a lot of anxiety and some times brought it into the relationship. But I’m working on my anxiety. All of our friends are dating each other and we’re close with each other’s friends. We haven’t spoken in three weeks and I feel okay without him, but every day I find myself thinking of things I want to tell him and showing him things that I think he’d find funny. I know I’ll be good without him and I don’t miss him because I miss having a boyfriend. But I miss having HIM as a person.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Ah.. hmm he found you needy? Then, that’s good that you’re starting to work on it.

    • Sabrina - 0

      Sabrina

      Hi again!
      So I’ve been doing the no contact rule (i have one week left)! I’m still close with his best friend and today at school I saw him and his best friend walking and i was going in the same direction. my ex was a little ahead and i was talking to his friend about something, at one point he just turns around and says SUP and i just say hey and continue my conversation, it was a 30 second interaction because they had to turn to go to their class. I don’t feel the need to analyze this situation because literally nothing happened, but this combined with another story that his best friend told me is confusing me.
      One night at a party my ex’s best friend told me that my ex had mentioned me this week (which is super weird because my ex never mentions me even when we were dating; hes a very private person and deals with things internally). He just had told his best friend how when the volume is at 13 i have to change it to 14 or 15 because it gave me a little bit of anxiety.
      To me, this might be a sign that he’s thinking of me. I don’t know if its a negative or a positive.. I don’t know if the no contact rule is working..
      I’m sorry I know this is long but im just trying to make sense of it all without over analyzing or trying to find something that isn’t there!

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      yeah, he did thought of you and that’s good! He remembered you at that moment!

    • Sabrina - 0

      Sabrina

      Hi amor,
      So i ended up waiting much longer than a month to contact my ex because i still found myself obsessing over the break up and I knew that this wasn’t going to be easy for me if I was still vulnerable. Today i decided to text him because i wanted directions to this neighbourhood he once showed me. I was nice and breezy in my text but he just answered with the directions and thats it.. i didn’t get anything out of the conversation.. What do you think I should do?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Initiate a topic that he loves talking about.. Let’s just say, he just answered what you asked because he feels awkward to initiate a conversation.. Don’t over analyze

    • Sabrina - 0

      Sabrina

      Hi,
      So some time has passed and I had decided not to contact him again. I did not feel as though it would do me any good since I got nothing but silence during the no contact zone. I ended up meeting someone and now we’re seeing each other, which is very exciting. Despite that, tonight, i attended a friend’s birthday party where I knew my ex was going to be. When he walked in I waved and he smiled For the entire night, every time i was near him he would turn around and focus on making conversation with someone else as if he were avoiding me. It happened all night long. I did catch him staring at me (it was quite obvious, nothing im reading into). None of this matters because I’m happy with the guy I’m seeing now, but just out of curiosity what do you think this could imply? Of course, we don’t know what he’s thinking… but to me this is a sign of him being unable to approach me and confront me; if anything I felt like I was intimidating to him the whole night and not like he was ignoring me to be mean and make me feel bad.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      maybe he was intimidated or he wasn’t sure if you’ve really moved on, so he kept his distance

  18. Michael - 0

    Michael

    I was somewhat blindsided by a breakup last month. I knew he was having a hard time because of health issues and being stressed by work but I felt we were making progress towards things getting better in the relationship. He told me he wanted time to focus on himself and that he didn’t know if he wanted to try making it work with me afterwards because it might not be fair to me. I asked him if he wanted me to give him some time and space which he did so I haven’t tried to contact him in over a month. The last thing he said was that he loved me before he got off the phone. I have been working on myself with the help of a few self help books over the last few weeks but I guess I’m just starting to wonder if I should give up hope in him ever making contact again?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Michael,

      why not initiate contact instead?

    • Michael - 0

      Michael

      I told him to contact me if he wanted to talk again so I kinda figured he will if he ever wants to. I don’t want to pressure him into talking if he’s not ready.

  19. Torn - 0

    Torn

    Hi,

    Not sure if you got my first message… In No Contact on day 8 and he texted me yesterday a remixed song from my favorite artist. We are both really into music and he would do this all the time for me. I did not reply when during no contact I probably would have. I am dying to see how he is. A few hours later he re sent the song and I did not reply again. He is testing me?

    Our break up was bad. He kicked me out and tried to get me back shortly after but I did not go back because of my self respect. He also said horrible things like leave me alone. Etc. I guess I am staying in No Contact.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Torn,
      yes, you should stay in no contact.

  20. Stubborn and lost - 0

    Stubborn and lost

    Hi, so I left a voicemail on the podcast and sent a facebook msg with more details, my email has the first 3 letters of my FB name. Anyways I purchased all the ebooks, listened to the podcast and read over the site. The texting blogs, texting bible and exboyfriend recovery pro all day something different about how to text (I mean they elaborate on each other overall but it’s a little confusing). Then I stumbled onto this blog post and got even more confused about my game plan. I did the no contact but my ex saw that coming because he already knew that I cut off my exes. He just kept saying that he was sorry, this was just for him to get right with himself and that he knows we will talk when the time was right. So I felt like after the no contact and I started texting him that it was just feeding his ego (he’s very prideful and stubborn). He did text back lightening fast over the course of days (I’m on day 11 but haven’t texted in him in the past 4days because I have a full time job and I’m back in college so I’m a little busy but I’m still trying to focus on this as well). He seems interested but uninterested at the same time. I’ve gotten all positive texts from him for the most part, some I felt were slightly neutral. Since I’m on the transition text should I grasp his attention with a story then ask to call and finish it and then tell him “look I’m not interested in a relationship, I’m just trying to build a friendship? (Reverse psychology) or should I got back into no contact because it doesn’t seem like it’s really messed with him? I know I can’t expect him to text first and I know if I asked to call he will most likely say yes to that. But how do I turn the tables? I feel like in his head he’s probably thinking I still can have her because I contacted first and he knows I’m stubborn too. Please refer to my FB msg if possible, it goes into more detail about this and the msg I left on the podcast. Thank you!

    Reply
    • Stubborn and lost - 0

      Stubborn and lost

      Oh and yes I was blinded but not at the same time. Again my FB msg goes more in detail. Thanks again for feedback.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Stubborn and lost,

      Unfortunately I don’t have access in the fb group because Jen(Chris’ wife) handles that but for now, what you typed is enough. What did you mean that you’re in day 11? Day 11 of no contact? If yes, You’re not in no contact rule because you kept talking to him.. And it looks like you wanted to apply everything you’ve read and you’re thinking too much.. If he’s really prideful, he wouldn’t have apologized to you..

    • Stubborn and lost - 0

      Stubborn and lost

      No I’m on day 11 of texting based on the new texting rules. I’m on the transition text message.

    • Stubborn and lost - 0

      Stubborn and lost

      No, I did the no contact. I’m on day 11 of texting via the new texting rules guidelines. I’m on the transition text. Should I do a story then ask to call to finish it and then after that use reverse psychology and tell him that I’m not interested in a relationship? The day we broke up he said things like he didn’t want to mistreat me in anyway because how he was feeling and that he wanted me to remain in his life as his bestfriend and he didn’t know that if he wanted to just take a break (neither of us believe in that) then he said stuff like I know where I’m going in life and have things setup for that (back in school) and all types of things of that nature. Then we talked two days later before no contact his demeanor changed and I asked if he just wanted to test the waters or something, he said he doesn’t know maybe and that he was at peace for telling me about the breakup but he still teared up a little because I did…

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Ah ok.. That’s good.. Yeah, you can do the story text but you don’t have to say you don’t want a relationship if he’s not mentioning it.. because you might sound like you’re just trying to convince him

    • Stubborn and lost - 0

      Stubborn and lost

      So I have yet to do the story text feeling as though it will feed his ego. I haven’t texted him in the past week and he hasn’t texted me. He recently took down a cover photo of us kissing, he changed it after the breakup but still had it in the photos and it was the album cover. Is he upset because I stopped contacting him? Should I text and try now? I actually listened to the podcast with Brad Browning and I’m trying to work with him too… I’m just so confused. I think him hearing my voice would make him feel a certain way?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      wait, if you haven’t built rapport in text, it would be weird if you just called him..

    • Stubborn and lost - 0

      Stubborn and lost

      So should I just get back to texting him? It seemed like he was maybe wondering why I kept randomly texting. Idk what to say during the transition, should I ask how he’s been finally? I just felt like he needed some more time. But why he did he take down our pic? Is he mad? Or trying to get a reaction? Or maybe he saw on my page that mind were gone? Can I go back to texting but how to ease it back in?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      It looks like you didnt text in the right way becauase you’re over thinking..basically, you’re just supposed to naturally talk.. the first contact texts were to help you start a conversation and then slowly over time, let it naturally flow.. if you suddenly told him you’re not into having a relationship with him and you’re just being friendly when you’re not even talking about that would be weird, right?

      You would look like the relationship is really what you want, you’re just trying to make him think otherwise..

      Dont overthink. Dont rush. And dont jump into conclusions.. Stop assuming what he probably thinks.. observe his actions but avoid over assume..

      You said he was responding positive, that’s good.. Sometimes neutral, which is sometimes normal, especially when the topic is boring or the conversation is unnatural..

      If you have built rapport, it was a good idea to do a text first, and then transition that text to call when it’s about to hit the high point..basically, the high point is what you’ll talk about in the call.. and then end the conversation at that call..

      that’s it.. dont suddenly mention that you’re not trying to get him back..

      and the no contact rule is not really for him to be devastated just by you ignoring him.. it’s for you to improve, and for both of you to have a restart.. If you genuinely improved, it’s ok to initiate contact, as long as you’re the one ending the conversation at high point..

      Because in that way you have control, and if you really changed, he probably thinks you’re just being friendly..that way, you can slowly build rapport because he’s not putting his walls up since he can see that you have your own life..

      You maintaining yourself and your own life shows that you dont make your world revolve around him..You’re active, so that means you’re already doing that..just dont overthink..

      It’s like you’re two people, trying to get to know each other.. let go of the past relationship.. if he toon down your pic, then dont make a big deal out of it because this is a restart right? You broke up, it’s natural that he will remove that because you’re not together anymore..

      If he did that to get you angry, dont be angry..because that’s enabling him to do more immature moves..if he did that because he saw yours is gone, then that’s just reasonable for him to do.. it would be weird that he still kept his when you’ve broken up and you’ve removed yours..

      so how do you start texting again? Just choose a topic that’s current that he’s interested in..

      For example, this is just for example..if he’s interested in the walking dead series, the walking dead season trailer just went out..talk about that.. if he saw it, his opinion, your speculations, what his speculations are, etc..

      more natural right? You can do this! Enjoy! you wont build rapport by worrying..

    • Stubborn and lost - 0

      Stubborn and lost

      So I wind-up not texting or contacting him for another 30days and on day 14 he actually contacted me for the first time texting “hey what’s up, how are you?” but this I ignored it. Today was the last day of no contact but yesterday I actually happened to run into him at a mutual friend’s play. During the 15 min intermission he came up to with open arms as if he wanted a hug (I didn’t hug him though) but the whole time that he was nearing me we held eye contact and all I could do was smile (he genuinely seemed happy to see me). I felt our connection which I didn’t really feel this past year so I’m sure he felt it. He asked me what I was doing there and I told him the friend asked me to come. I was already on my way to the bathroom so I kept it moving. And that was the end of our convo.

      Was I wrong for not hugging him, I didn’t seem bitter or angry or anything. I genuinely smiled at him and answered his question (kept it brief).

      Anyways today is his birthday and I’m feeling some type of way because it’s the first one in 4 years I haven’t spent with him :/ I did text him at midnight saying happy birthday and doing a good memory text. The interaction between texting felt more natural this time around. I feel like I failed at matching his text and ending it at the high point tho. I sent the statement I hope all is well with him instead of asking how he was. He sent the same thing back but I actually elaborated in a sentence instead, should I have not? And like my gut told me when the high point was but I sent one last text that he hasn’t responded to. I won’t do it again but our entire convo was positive, he even said it was nice seeing me last night as well. If he doesn’t text back today do I text tomorrow or in a few days?

      His mom has also been liking all of my stuff on FB, I haven’t talked to her just as long as I haven’t talked to him. Is she trying to get my attention?

    • Stubborn and Lost - 0

      Stubborn and Lost

      So I wind up not contacting him for another 30 days and he contacted me for the first time on day 14 texting “hey what’s up, how are you?) but I ignored this msg because I was doing no contact again. Anyways it ended today which is also his birthday, but I actually ran into him last night at a mutual friend’s play. idk how he spotted me because he was rolls over and seats down and it was dark for the most part. Anyways during the 15 min intermission he walked up to me out of nowhere with open arms as if as he wanted to hug me. We caught eye contact the entire time and I just genuinely smiled and looked at him (it was a real emotion) I was happy to see him (I felt that connect which I didn’t feel earlier this year so maybe he felt it too?) and he genuinely looked happy to see me but for some reason I didn’t hug him. I talked to him briefly because he asked why I was there and I told him and then I carried on to the bathroom (where I was already going) and that was that.

      I texted him happy birthday at midnight and with a good memory text and video from his birthday last year celebrating. All of the texting was positive. At one point I was messing around with the new feature on iPhone texting not knowing that it sent as soon as I did it. After he texted me it was nice seeing me, iPhone sent a heart and kiss and it showed that he was about to send something back using the same feature until I texted back “lmao sorry didn’t mean to send that I was just messing with the thing and then he sent back lol o ok.” Then we continued the convo. Also I didn’t listen to my gut and didn’t end at a high note. I sent one last text and he hasn’t responded.

      When I saw him it’s like he wanted to talk to me but didn’t know how to receive me? :/ I know I’m still in love and something is there because I didn’t know how I would feel when I saw him again or how he would react but it felt so natural and positive after everything.

      (I felt that connect which I didn’t feel earlier this year so maybe he felt it too?

      It caught me off guard but I didn’t seem bitter or angry but should I have hugged him?

      I wasn’t sure if that was what he was trying to get exactly?

      I figured he was happy to see me because he didn’t have to make his presence known I didn’t know he was there. And he hates being ignored which I did with the text but he still seemed so happy to see me?

      It felt natural texting this time around but I feel like I should have ended or not text back the last text? Because he hasn’t responded and I feel like I failed at matching his text.

      Today is his birthday so do I just wait it out, do I initiate contact again today, tomorrow or in a few days? Maybe transition to phone call sooner than later? Tell him I’m like a week that since that day I couldn’t get him off my mind to try to gauge where he’s at?

      Should I maybe re add him on FB since I deleted him?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      I thought you already greeted him.. but did you text him again? dont confess when you’re just a week in texting. That’s too early and dont be too available. Dont rush. If he’s consistently replying positively, transition to calls in the second week

    • Stubborn and Lost - 0

      Stubborn and Lost

      I had decided to finish the no contact for another full 30 days and he contacted me on day 14 but I ignored him and then ran into him the day before no contact ended. He looked like he wanted to hug me and talk to me. I didn’t hug him though, was I wrong? And I kept the convo really brief not seeming like anything. I texted him happy bday the following day and those texts were positive, I told him I hoped all was well and it was nice seeing him and he said it back but he never really said if he was doing good or not he just said he hoped all was well with me also and then when I didn’t respond, 4 mins later he said and it was nice seeing me too, good sign?

      So do I start trying to text everyday again using the same text themes? Or spread the text out?
      When I get him on the phone do I follow the same rules about phone calls?

      What if he doesn’t text me first again is that a bad sign? Or should I just be the one to make the first move again?

    • Stubborn and Lost - 0

      Stubborn and Lost

      I had decided to finish the no contact for another full 30 days and he contacted me on day 14 but I ignored him and then ran into him the day before no contact ended. He looked like he wanted to hug me and talk to me. I didn’t hug him though, was I wrong? And I kept the convo really brief not seeming like anything. I texted him happy bday the following day and those texts were positive, I told him I hoped all was well and it was nice seeing him and he said it back but he never really said if he was doing good or not he just said he hoped all was well with me also and then when I didn’t respond, 4 mins later he said and it was nice seeing me too, good sign?

      So do I start trying to text everyday again using the same text themes? Or spread the text out?
      When I get him on the phone do I follow the same rules about phone calls?

      What if he doesn’t text me first again is that a bad sign? Or should I just be the one to make the first move again?

      Thank you all your advice!!

    • Stubborn and Lost - 0

      Stubborn and Lost

      And no I haven’t texted him since his bday sat because he never responded to my last text (which I didn’t listen to my gut and not send because the text before was the high point – I’ll watch that). He still hasn’t text, so should I text him today, tomorrow or in a few days? What kind of text should I use and how long should I keep the convo going?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      It’s ok to initiate, as long as you’re the one ending the conversations in high note…you can use the themes, you can use current topics or continue topics that you were talking about before..and when you’re transitioning to calls, transition a good convo text to a call when it’s about to hit high point and then end the call in high point…

  21. April Pierson - 0

    April Pierson

    Hi I do have a question, I was blindsided by my boyfriend. He broke up with me over the phone. But my circumstances are a little different he lost his daughter in an ATV accident last year where he fell on top of her and killed her she was 8 years old. I’ve been with him ever since then so a little over a year now. And he asked me to move in a couple of months ago. I love him with all my heart and I thought he loved me as much. And before I moved in I asked him if he was sure he wanted me to move in and he said he was sure. And it was great we got along great but out of nowhere he he becomes a little more distance and was away on a job for a few days and he finally called me and you broke up with me over the phone. I know what you’re thinking you think he might have someone else but no he’s not that type of man. He said we’re just not compatible and he said his heart died when his daughter died. Everyone around us even his family think I’m the best thing for him and he thought so too at one time. But is there anyway that I can get him back? Also I still live with him because the reason I asked him is he sure that he wants me to move in. Is that I would have nowhere else to go once I moved in I would have to save up quite a bit of money to be able to move back out. So he agreed to let me stay here. Until I’m up on my feet and can find my own place. We are going to stay friends and we get along great talking as friends. Is there any hope???

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi April,

      is he in professional help? because honestly that’s what he needs.. he needs to heal from it… I’m not saying I understand, but in his perspective he probably feels guilt and it’s hard to feel love and guilt at the same time.. I think you should check this one too for doing the no contact while living with him:
      EBR 027: What To Do If You Live With Your Ex Boyfriend

      but in regards to chances, honestly, if that was really the reason, I think he needs to heal first. Maybe not totally, but heal more.. and I don’t think it’s in the near future.. Let’s hope he can do that while being with you but maybe he’s feeling more guilty of being happy when he remembers his daughter.

  22. Carmen - 0

    Carmen

    So I’m 20 and my ex is 21. My ex and I had been dating for 3 years and in the beginning every thing seemed to be great. He was a great guy to me. This was his first relationship and first everything basically. I went off to college and he stayed home, we remained together up until last week he decided he wants to take break or most likely a full blown breakup he probably was trying to be ease some of the pain off of it. Some of the things that led up to the breakup was the previous weekend he came and visited me in college suprising me and when he seen me I was with a guy who is really honestly like a brother to me. So I introduced them to each to each other and everything. When we get back to my room he’s like “oh yeah, I caught you with another guy” and I’m like please do not start that because we are supposed ro be having a good time. So later on during the weekend my friends from school came to my room and my brother that I was with when my ex seen me came along also. In my mind every thing is going fine. I’m with my boyfriend and my good friends at the same time what could possibly go wrong? So later on in the week after he has left he makes a facebook page and I asked him could we put our relationship status up there and he’s like “it wasn’t up there before so why do it now?”. So I argue back with him letting him know that I always have him on my social media because there are guys that interested in me in my messages and I like them to know who is mine. So he replies with you always talking about someone trying to get at you like you doing me a favor or something. So then after than I just tell him just forget that I even mentioned it and he’s like yeah and who was that dude that you was with when he surprised me at school the past weekend and I tell him exactly who he is and that he doesn’t have to worry about any guys because I love him and the relationship and I wouldn’t do anything to risk losing it and basically the argument led to him saying “so I can have friends that are girls? And I replied yes because I trust that you wouldn’t do anything to damage our relationship so he replied “Say no more” and I did just that because he was wrong. So the next day I finally broke and called him and I asked him what he was doing and how was his day and he tells me but then also says he wants to talk about something serious. He says that we should take a break because he is bored with me and he feels like he is married at 21. He says he loves me and I will always be his first love and I can call him for anything. He wants to be ny best friend he says. I agreed at the time but now it’s a week later with no contact and I am angry that he could be so selfish and arrogant to a person that he has been with for 3 years. I have felt that way also but the love I had him for him was strong enough to endure all of those feelings. It’s so many guys that were interested in me in college while we were together but I never once broke because I loved him too much. Could you please just help me heal my broken heart and help me move on from this?

    Reply
  23. Elle - 0

    Elle

    My ex boyfriend and I dated for 3 passionate months. Last Wednesday he dumped me via Facebook video chat…the day before my show opened (professional dancer), the day before my mom came in town (they were to meet). I was blindsided by this, as just an hour before he was offering to buy his and my mother’s tickets to my show and describing where we’d stay (we both are not from the city in which we currently reside) when I was to meet his family later in the fall. I started NC immediately, like as soon as the breakup conversation ended. The next morning I maneuvered retrieving my things and returning his without having to speak to him. I wanted to have my space as cleared of that energy as possible, so that I could focus on maintaining the integrity of my artistic obligations later that evening (compartmentalize and avoid). Also, I refused to be that girl who wallowed in self pity. Much as I may have wanted to binge eat ice cream, my livelihood is dependent upon what I look like. Over the past 10 days: I had a wonderful opening to my show (so many friends came), a fantastic girls’ weekend with my mom, got cast as a lead in an independent documentary film, hung out with friends, lived life, and posted some fun pics on Instagram, the only social medium in which my ex can still view the exciting facets of my life. Yesterday the ex liked one of my photos. Then, while I was hanging out with my guy best friend, he sent me a ‘hey’ text. I have not acknowledged either, and I have no intention of doing so. I’ve only just begun bettering myself to become the ‘ungettable girl.’ I’m flabbergasted and hurt by the method and timing of my breakup. If stupidity were a stick, I’d beat my ex with it. But, I love him, miss him, and firmly believe that something happened to make him all of a sudden want to call things quits. However, I REFUSE to beg for an explanation, or anything at all for that matter. Is this the right stance/attitude to have during NC? Should I limit myself to a 21 day period (I don’t want to fall prey to my tendency to go longer out of spite, killing my chances completely)? While I’m great at NC, I’m not so great at the reintroduction that follows. I want him to reach out to me. Do you have any suggestions for combating pride in the event that he doesn’t reach out again after NC? In the event that I have to be the one to send a tantalizing text?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Elle,

      I think you should do 30 days.. And I think he was pressured to meet your mom.. but it was really cowardly move from him.. The best you can do is to really just keep doing what you’re doing but I suggest you still try initiating contact after 30 days.. check this one for an initial text:
      EBR 053: Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message

    • Elle - 0

      Elle

      30 days. Done. Thanks for the article suggestion! I actually read it before this one. My question is really more about intention. Armed with the knowledge to send the perfect text, how do I make myself press send? I’m great at ignoring (opposite problem) and not so great wIth vulnerability.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      hmmm.. choose a topic that’s current.. so, that it would look natural.. anything in news or in friends life that you know he would be interested in, or something you can ask him about or learn from him

  24. Zenifer - 0

    Zenifer

    Hey guys! so I known this guy for 10 years we ware friends! Life got in the way! And we reunited after 10 years we both recognized that we liked each other and we started dating! He told me he loves and adores 3 months in everything was perfect until 5 months in when he started to change, he turned cold! After our 6 month anniversary I asked hem in he cares about me and he said that his feelings started to fade and that I deserve better! What makes me wonder is that our sex life was good until the break up, and that he doesn’t erase the pictures of us! Another thing is that he admits that this is his fault and that he doesn’t like the way we ended up! I’m confused I need your help!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Zenifer,

      so when did you last talked? And are you going to do the no contact rule?

    • Zenifer - 0

      Zenifer

      Yes I applied the no contact rule! But I’m confused! We talked the last time about 3 weeks ago! I can’t tell what is he thinking

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      ok, be active in improving yourself.. I’m not sure too on what he exactly he is thinking.. he probably thought everything was moving too fast or something else happened in his life.

  25. Catie - 0

    Catie

    Hi!
    I just have a relatively quick question.
    My ex blindsided me about a month ago and I had a lot of personal issues going on, so the break up was the absolute worst. I tried to implement of the no contact rule and made the mistake of talking to him when he did contact me. We ended up meeting up at his house and talking, and I spent the night ( I know that was a mistake). He said he didn’t know what he wanted, he said he missed me, but he has commitment problems. He said he would text me but he hasn’t. Is it too late to try the no contact rule? or too late to get him back? I’ve been really trying to work on myself and he did see a change in me, but I need to work on self improvement more! I guess I’m just nervous that he will find someone else. Any suggestions?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Catie,

      if he finds someone else, it won’t matter if you’re there or not.. he will still go out with that someone else.. I don’t think it’s too late to do no contact for self improvement. There’s no guarantee that it will get him back but what’s for sure is that there’s no harm in choosing to improve yourself first instead of staying with a guy who doesn’t want to be with you at the moment.

  26. Imogen - 0

    Imogen

    Hey EBR team!
    I’ve been dating my ex for about a month now. We’re exclusive with each other, he’s taken me out with his friends and told them we were dating, kissed me in front of them, and we’ve both been very open with each other. Much more than our past relationship (we were together for 3yrs).
    Now the issue is that he won’t call me his girlfriend, won’t add me back on facebook, and hasn’t mentioned that he’s seeing me to his parents yet. Both of our profiles still say that we’re single.
    Yet when we’re together he asks me to stay over for days at a time, doesn’t want me to leave etc. but i feel like we’ve skipped the fun dating phase and gone straight to living together without the title :/ He doesn’t want to do much, and he doesn’t put any effort into planning dates for us (money isn’t an issue, yet he’s always wanting to do the cheaper option), nor does he seem that affectionate when we’re apart.
    So my question is, what can i do to change this situation around and get him to start putting more effort in, and get him to ask me to be his girlfriend again?

    Reply
  27. blah - 0

    blah

    So I thought everything was going fine. We went to a trip to an island and everything waz good great, we had gone to the theater this month and he was excited about moving on from his job and getting a new one. After the island trip he had his interview, he thought everything was fine, but later on the week he found out he wasn’t hired. He got depressed, I let him be and I told him I would support him whatever happened I continued giving him space and it had been a week since we had seen each other. Then on wednesday I got sad cuz he didnt reply a text that I said I miss him. And I was like I dont understand how you cant even take the time to reply cuz like 18 hours had passed. He apologized we kept talking like everything was fine and he kept asking me when I got out of work cuz he wanted to hang. Turns out he asked to have dinner two days later and I said yes and I just got in the car and he started crying saying he couldnt do this anymore, that things were too serious that he couldnt do it. He said he was terrified, that he didnt want to end up marrying me in five years that he didnt want to date anyone fore that tim, that I didnt do anything wrongm He asked to yell at him to punch him to do whatever and he just had this face of profound suffering and I couldnt believe what was happening, neither could his friends, my friends, his family, my fsmily! like I think maybe he is having a quarter life crisis, how the fuck I didnt see this coming, I just thought he was sad that he needef space. I really want him back, I didnt do a single thing wrong. I wasnt clingy, nor high maintainance, I didnt complain of guy nights. I dont fucking know.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Blah,

      he needs space.. for him right now, spending time with you is a chore.. probably because he’s sad.. he needs to be sad.. so, if you want, just let him be

  28. Patricia - 0

    Patricia

    I don’t understand why a man would be *pleased* that someone else is suffering so much.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      yes, it does matter but it’s not just about length..it wont matter how long you did it if you didnt improve yourself and you sound like chasing him when you talk to him

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