By Chris Seiter

Updated on March 8th, 2021

In my opinion, there are are three types of breakups,

Breakup Type #1: The Bad Breakup

Breakup Type #2: The Mutual Breakup

Breakup Type #3: The Blindside Breakup

Care to take a wild guess at what type of breakup this article is going to talk about?

Yup, the blindside breakup.

Now, before we get to the “nitty gritty” of being blindsided I have a story to tell you.

A little over a month ago something amazing happened here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery. We went live with a redesigned look. The purpose of doing this was that I had wanted to make this website easier to navigate for my visitors.

Therefore, I implemented a really cool high tech looking search function,


The idea was that you could come to the website and find exactly what you were looking for by simply typing it into this search bar. Ah, but the search bar had another really cool function. On top of providing you the best match for your query it also would save your query so I could look at it and see what you are searching for.

Hot and cold…

Mixed signals.. 

Blindside breakups..

It’s all there.

My intent for doing this was to find topics that I hadn’t talked about yet on the website.

And do you care to guess what one of those topics were?


Blindside breakup baby!

And now here we are.

So, I want to start off by making you a promise.

My Promise To You- You aren’t going to find a better piece of content on the web about “blindside breakups” than this article.

Ok, so now that I have painted myself into a corner let’s talk a little about blindside breakups.

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What Is A Blindside Breakup?

I figured the best way to start this section off would be to provide you with a comment we got here on the website a few months ago,

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Now, I realize that some of you may skip right over this comment so for those of you who did that (shame on you :p ) and here is a quick synopsis of what I am point out up there,

“It blindsed me because I thought things were progressing and we were happy…”

Why did I feature this part?

Care to take a guess?

Well, the thing that is prevalent in almost every “blindside breakup” is the fact that one party doesn’t see it coming. In this case CPL up there thought things were great between her boyfriend and her but there was a disconnect going on that she wasn’t aware of.

And this is a common theme that I see with blindside breakups all the time.

Generally the woman thinks that things are great in her relationship only to find out that they weren’t as great as she thought they were.

And that brings me to my next point.

The Wavelength Theory

A blindside breakup can only occur when one party of the relationship believes that they are on the same wavelength as the other party of the relationship.

So, imagine that you think you are on the same wavelength as your ex boyfriend,


And then we have your ex who thinks you are on a completely different wavelength from each other,


This is essentially where blindside breakups come from because one party is thinking nothing is wrong and the other party is. In fact, this is a phenomenon that I talked about in one of my most recent interviews with CMM (Certified Match Maker) and dating coach, Marina Margulis,

Marina and I both agreed that generally there are signs in a relationship for when a couple isn’t on the same wavelength. I believe the example that she gave was that she once had a client who went shopping for wedding rings (it was a woman) when her current boyfriend hadn’t even hinted at marriage.

Suffice it to say that they broke up.

Ok, so now that you have a general idea for why “blindside breakups” happen let’s move on to talking about what to do when they happen.

What To Do If You Got Blindsided By Your Ex Boyfriend

So, I put a lot of thought into the protocols that you should implement if you were blindsided by your ex and here is what I settled on,


Self Actualized No Contact

I don’t know if you have noticed but lately there has been a subtle change in the way we are producing content here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery. Not only are we producing more content but we are getting interviews with some high quality dating experts.

Yes, I certainly have my own opinions on how things should be done after a breakup and for the most part I have been very successful at guiding people down the right path,

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But here’s the thing.

As I have interviewed all of these amazing experts I have began to notice a common theme among the advice that they give.

Know Thyself

And, almost as if she meant to add a cherry on top, our very own Ashley (head of content development here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery) wrote this very insightful article yesterday.

In it she talks about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs which you may recognize below,


But what she really highlights is this level,


Self actualization!

Now, I realize we are getting super psychological for you here so allow me to dumb it down because if you are anything like me then anything too psychological is too confusing.

What Is Self Actualization?

I am going to let Ashley our head of content development take this one,

“A fully self-actualized human must perceive reality efficiently and accept themselves, with all of their quirks and ways, no matter how much reality might deviate from their ideal vision of themselves. Only then will they have reached their fullest potential as a person.”

In other words, being able to accept yourself truly for who you are while at the same time being ok with it will mean that you are close to becoming self actualized.

Notice how nothing in that definition has to do with obsessing on whether your ex cares about you.

I say “close” because Ashley forgot to mention an important part about self actualization,

Understanding your meaning in life

Why were you put on this earth?

It’s not an easy question to answer but we can tackle that one in a second.

It’s time for an embarrassing story.

Yup, I am going to get super personal and talk about what may be my most embarrassing physical feature. Now, to put this in perspective so you realize how big of a deal this is to me this is something that STILL bugs me and something that I am frightened beyond all belief to mention out loud to those who love me most in the world.

In fact, all throughout my life

But writing is like therapy for me and since I am telling you that you need to become self actualized in order to get your ex back if he blindsided you it would be a bit hypocritical of me to not follow suit in my own life.

My Embarrassing Story

I have a mole…

Right on my neck and I absolutely hate it.

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In fact, you can probably see it really well in my live coaching interview that I did with Whitney a few weeks ago,

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not a necessarily gross one or even an ugly one.

In fact, my wife likes to “cutsie” it up and call it a beauty mark but she’s only mentioned it once to me in all the time we have been together and I doubt she would remember it very well now since it was so long ago.

But I remember it because this thing bothers me that much.

It has bothered me all throughout my life.

In fact, in high school it was the sole reason that I didn’t even entertain a date until I was a senior and not to sound arrogant or anything but I am pretty good looking,

dark side

But let’s go even deeper than high school and talk about grade school.

My little mole bothered me so much in grade school that I wore a hoody every single day. Heck, even during the summer months just so I could hide it.

I didn’t want anyone to think I was ugly because I certainly did.

And I lived in Friendswood, Texas of all places.

The summer months there could be well over 100 Degrees.

I remember once a bunch of kids started making fun of me because I was wearing a hoody and it was so hot outside. No one in their right mind would be wearing a hoody.

But I was…

All so I could hide my neck.

I didn’t want people to know that I had a mole.

Now, why would I tell you something so embarrassing about myself?

Well, because I want you to see that I am actually not a self actualized person.

You see, a self actualized person would understand the reality of the situation.

My reality is that I have a mole on my neck. It’s so small that most people don’t even notice it. Those that do aren’t bothered by it or think that it makes me look ugly.

(My face does a good enough job at that 😉 .)

No, I am just kidding…

Someone who has achieved self actualization would understand the reality and not just accept it but be ok with it.

Now, I will be the first person to admit that I still have some work to do to achieve self actualization around this embarrassing physical feature.

In fact, I can pretty much guarantee you that every time you see me adjusting my shirt in a video or a live coaching session that will be me trying to ensure that you can’t see my mole.

It’s like my fears have been hardwired into my body after years of practice.

So, what does this have to do with you and your blindside breakup?

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Achieving Self Actualization During The No Contact Rule

One of the coolest things about Ex Boyfriend Recovery is the fact that we have been blessed with a lot of traffic.

On average, we get a little over half a million visitors who come to this website every single month,


In other words, we have seen a lot of blindside breakups over the years and slowly but surely we began to notice certain trends that hold true with blindside breakups.

For example, we noticed that women who get blindsided by their ex (meaning they had no idea the breakup was coming) are actually more likely to obsess about their ex.

Now, I am not her judging you at all. In fact, I actually get the need to want to obsess over an ex boyfriend.

However, I also know that obsession often leads to desperation and desperation turns men off…

Fun fact, I feel a little like Yoda right now,


But I am getting off topic.

Instead of becoming so obsessed with your ex I recommend that you enter into my world famous no contact rule.

You aren’t going to read that link are you?


Ok, here is a quick crash course.

The Premise Of My World Famous No Contact Rule- You are going to ignore your ex from anywhere between 21 to 45 days. The idea here is to raise the chances that he will miss you while at the same time facilitating your own personal growth

Again, if you want the full rundown of how it works just click that link above.

(Side Note: I literally updated my guide on “The No Contact Rule” today and a lot has changed so I completely recommend checking that link out or if you want an even deeper look at what you are supposed to do check out my book.)

Ok, so now that we know how the no contact rule fits into this where does self actualization fit in?

Well, assuming you are doing the no contact rule you are going to have anywhere between 21 to 45 days to start your self actualization training.

The Result Of Self Actualization

A few days ago I was interviewing my friend Erik who runs “The Together Show” on iTunes. He’s a really interesting guy because he was a very successful divorce lawyer who ended up quitting to study what makes couples stay together.

(That’s kind of the premise of his show by the way.)

Anyways, I had him on The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast a few days ago,

And we got to talking about couples who completely move on from their exes and the strange effect that, that has on both parties.

That’s when he said it,

And you know the craziest thing. An ex won’t come back into the picture until you are fully over them. It’s not like you can fake it either. Almost like they have this sixth sense…

And almost instantaneously it’s like a light bulb went off in my head,


When I did a study of the vast majority of the success stories that we have on Ex Boyfriend Recovery one of the most shocking things that I learned was that a lot of times it wasn’t until the person had completely moved on that their ex would, “all of a sudden,” come back into the picture.

Heck, that’s what happened with this question featured on episode three of the podcast.

So, how does self actualization come into play here?

Well, I am a big believer of letting you go through your own process.

Even if I think that you probably shouldn’t get back with your ex I firmly believe that you need to come to that realization on your own.

And I am definitely not going to let you go about trying to get your ex boyfriend back in the wrong way.

Self actualization is going to take the focus off of your ex and put it firmly on you.

It’s going to force you to recognize that your whole existence doesn’t revolve around the relationship with your ex. In other words, you aren’t going to be so codependent on the relationship you had with your ex.

Which, believe me, is a massive problem.

You are going to heal and in a weird way move on from the breakup.

And I know this may sound counterproductive but it’s actually going to make your ex boyfriend want to come back to you.

So, How Do I Self Actualize?


Here’s the funny thing about self actualization.

It’s not as impossible to reach as you may think.

When I first heard the term in college I literally thought it was impossible to reach. I mean, the professors made it seem like it was some sort of mystical unicorn.

But when I started really getting into this idea of “self actualization” I had a thought.

“I wonder if anyone has ever reached it before?”

Turns out that, according to Abraham Maslow, who created the idea of self actualization, about 1 in every 100 human beings will reach actualization.


Those are better odds than impossible.

And you’ll find this next part awesome,

Maslow identified common qualities of the self actualized like the ability to see life more clearly and to put others’ needs before their own.

It’s also important to note that self actualized people are ok with their own quirks and have a high level of acceptance for all types of things.

But how?

How can YOU achieve this level?

Well, I am not going to lie to you. It’s going to make you uncomfortable and you probably won’t like it. I mean, look at how embarrassing it was for me to tell you that story about myself above.

You have to be willing to embarrass yourself for this to work and that’s something that a lot of people won’t do.

Nevertheless, I have identified four things that you need to do to improve your chances of self actualization.

Thing #1: Self Development

When asked about actualization Maslow described it as,

A process by which you ‘are working to do well the thing that one wants to do.’

I have my own thoughts on self improvement and it comes in the form of “the holy trinity.”

Now, I have talked a lot about the holy trinity in my time here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery and that’s because I am such a big believer in it. In fact, it’s the core strategy behind my teachings on self development and personal growth which means it also ties directly into self actualization.

Here’s a quick crash course of how it works.

If you could have three categories to divide your life into the chances are high that you would pick,

  1. Health
  2. Wealth
  3. Relationships

So, looking at these three categories if you want to see extreme personal growth every action you take should be geared towards improving each category.

Thing #2: Get Rid Of Ego Defenses

This is where self actualization gets a little uncomfortable.

We all have these “ego defenses” that we use to protect ourselves from the truth. For example, I gave you one of mine regarding the embarrassing story I told you above. In an effort to “hide my mole” I constantly adjust my shirt to make sure it’s covered. This is my ego defense at work. The only purpose it serves is to protect me from the truth and to avoid the reality of the situation.

And by avoiding reality it will be impossible for me to accept it and be ok with it which is an important part of self actualization.

But perhaps a nervous tick like that isn’t going to connect with you as much as a relationship ego defense.

So, here is a better example.

Imagine that every time your partner confronts you about something you do wrong you have this uncanny habit to start a fight and avoid taking the blame when you know, deep down that you are wrong.

This is an ego defense to prevent yourself from accepting the true reality.

What you would need to do in this case is train yourself to react in a different way and take responsibility for what you did wrong.

Thing #3: Identify And Understand Your “Peak Experience”

Now, some of the more well read visitors of this site may automatically think that “peak experience” refers to the peak end rule which is something that I talk about a lot on this website.

But that isn’t actually the case here.

When Maslow refers to “peak experience” he is actually talking about,

‘transient moments of self-actualization’

It is a time in your life when you feel completely comfortable.

When you feel at peace.

And by feeling comfortable and “at peace” you experience joy and happiness. This is a transient moment where you are accepting reality for what it is. It’s also important to note that you are almost the exact opposite of this right now.

How do I know?

Well, you are going through a breakup and almost half a decade of experience has taught me that the visitors of this website don’t accept the reality of the situation that they have an ex boyfriend.

Thing #4: Make Your Uniqueness Your Strength

One of the most amazing things about human beings is the fact that we are all unique in our own way.

Now, society is a funny thing because it has this ideal version of how it expects a human being to be.

And yet…

This almost goes against reality because no two human beings are ever alike.

In fact, recently I have began to notice that people who are too far outside of what society expects a human being to be are often made fun of or scolded for their uniqueness.

A self actualized individual will not look at their differences or uniqueness as a weakness. Instead, they look at them as a strength and if they don’t see them as a strength then they make them into a strength.

And believe me I get how difficult this can be.

I struggled with my own self image for almost my entire life.

In fact, I still do right now a little bit.

So, in my own effort to become self actualized I am accepted the reality of the situation,

“I have a mole”

And I am attempting to make what I see as a weakness into one of my greatest strengths.

“By telling you my “mole story” I am hoping to connect with you and turn you into a fan of this site.”

My Blindside Theory



Look, your ex blindsided you for a number of reasons and I don’t want you to fall into the same mistake that I see time and time again from women.

What are those mistakes?

Well, they think that they can get their ex back without undergoing any type of significant change.

I’m sorry if this hurts your feelings but the truth is that if you want to have a chance of getting your ex boyfriend back then you are going to have to find a way to get him to look at you in a different type of light.

And self actualization is a great way to do that.

Think about it.

You came to this website, most likely because you want to figure out how to get your ex boyfriend back. In other words, you haven’t accepted reality (which is that he did break up with you.)

This makes you desperate to get your previous reality back.

Now, here is the thing about desperation.

It’s a killer.

Even if you aren’t desperate about your ex but desperate about your breakup that is going to shine through and you are going to appear desperate to those around you.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that you need to accept reality and move on. I’m not saying that at all. I am saying that if you accept reality you are going to appear different to your ex boyfriend.

You are going to project something new that he hasn’t seen before.

I often tell the story of my very first breakup and how I wanted nothing more than for my ex to beg for me back. I wanted her life to be ruined by the fact that we had broken up.

And for a while there, it kind of was.

She was the first to text me after the breakup…


She was the first to call me…


She called my friend and told him that she missed me…


She gave off all these signs that were a clear indication that I was a force that had ruined her dating life for a little while and this made me happy.

It gave me satisfaction.

But you know what it didn’t give me?

It didn’t give me a drive to want to get back with her.

And I think everything I just said is doubly true when you are dealing with an ex boyfriend who blindsided you and who knows that he blindsided you.

Think about it.

If your ex boyfriend knows that he blindsided you then he is going to be under the expectation that you are going to be very hurt by the breakup. He is going to expect you to beg. He is going to expect you to cry. Hell, he is going to expect you to act desperate.

And when you do he is going to be satisfied.

And this is where the common woman makes her mistake.

The common woman thinks,

Well, if a man is satisfied by this then wouldn’t that mean that he would want me back?


Not even close.

Your ex boyfriend had certain expectations of you after the breakup and you basically played into them.

What’s exciting about that?

What’s interesting about it?

Think of it like a video game.

If you had all the cheat codes to a video game then the video game isn’t fun anymore. It’s easy.


Flip the script on your ex.

Teach him that he isn’t as hot a commodity as he thinks.

I can sit here and tell you everything to say (Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO) and everything to do but without the proper mindset it’s almost meaningless.

Self actualization comes first…

Everything else comes second…

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120 thoughts on “If You Were Blindsided By Your Breakup Here’s What To Do…”

  1. Cat

    March 18, 2018 at 1:40 pm

    Mildly curious of others experiences, I read a little of this site. I am certainly not a posting type of person but, hey, apparently there are a lot of women that deal with this type of guy so why not? Perhaps I have a little more age and, therefor, experience on some it still sucks zero less to get blindsided. This happened to me a few days ago. There were a few red flags in the first 3 months however those were worked through and the past four months were pretty great. There was a bit of an age difference- I being 40 and he 32. After telling me he needed “a break” because he had a “gut feeling” and needed to figure out if he could see a “long term future with me” he asked if we could meet the next day to talk about it. The next day came and he texted that he just didn’t think he could because seeing me right now would just be too hard for him and that he knows it didn’t make sense but this hurts him, too.

    I hope my response (to which I have had no reply, surprise surprise) helps even one woman that may read this to pick herself up off the ground (with a little time and a lot of wine, of course) and close the door on the blindside guy forever:
    I think you are a scared little boy. And I think that you let fear rule your inner world- not necessarily fear of loosing your “freedom” but rather fear of love and what that responsibility brings. I think you are on dating sites and talking to others and want to keep your options open. Specifically meaning that you want to end it with me on “friendly terms” so that you can keep the door open. I think that you need to go back to the shallow bullshit with the young girls that don’t have their shit together- because it’s safe for you there; there is no risk of you falling in love. It’s easy. And I think after a few of them and some random lays you will realize that I was the best one that you threw away. I showed you trust and love- both with myself and with you. Today, your shutting me out drives home to me that I am a solid woman that deserves so much more that what you just gave me. You had me, heart and soul, but you have lost me. This is on you. I hope you find what you are looking for…but if you don’t deal with your shit and be a man and face your fear in relationships you will always be that guy at the bar picking up younger women and still wondering why you don’t feel connected and loved and, ultimately, will be alone. As you get older, that shit gets real old. Trust me. You could have had what a part of you truly does want- really, I gave you such a gift of the opportunity to look at and overcome some of your scary stuff. I am not (name deleted). Or (name deleted). Or any of the others. You are a runner. I am not. I stood still and handled my bullshit like a woman with that first blowup. You disappeared. I owned my shit hard- how many people do that in that situation? And I moved forward with you. But, now, today, I realize, you are correct- it really isn’t me. It’s you. I need a man. A man will recognize what and who he has in his hands and will never let me go. He will fight for me, his own bullshit be damned. I did that for you. You can’t for me. I believe a part of you wants to, but you can’t handle it. I don’t know what I was to you, but the woman you would fight for to make her yours?….no. I deserve an equal that will handle his emotions when it gets scary and face it, knowing the outcome could be amazing or a total disaster. That’s vulnerability and you deny yourself that at every turn. I fell in love with you. But you don’t deserve me, I now see. You hurt me to core of my soul and now I have to be the one to run.

  2. Coco

    December 20, 2017 at 3:15 am

    I just posted on here a few minutes ago but I left off something. So yesterday my ex broke up with me. he told me that he still really liked me but felt that he couldn’t give me the time I deserved so he asked me if we could just be friends. This was a big blindside to me because we’re so happy together. He told me that he wanted to be around me physically but at this point in time it’s tough for him. We’re in college, I’m a junior and he’s graduating in May. This makes sense, but it would have been understandable for me in the beginning of our relationship. We’ve been dating for about 3 months and we’ve never argued and Every time we’re around each other or even just texting, We’re always smiling, laughing and gazing in each others eyes. Right around when things were starting to get serious we had the where is this going talk. I honestly thought he was going to say he was just dating for fun considering he would be graduating soon. I told him i was afraid to become attached and he told me not to be because everything we were doing was working towards our relationship. I was so excited when he said that because honestly he is just amazing to me. I felt so secured. We have cute things in common and we’re always happy together and we’ve honestly never had a fight before. I’ve tried to analyze him from different perspectives to make sure I didnt ignore red flags (which I have done in the past) and I just really like (maybe puppy love lol) him. He is amazing. We were together enjoying each other’s company literally a week before he said this. Also, recently we were talking about the near future and he kept reassuring me that we would have more time to spend together because next semester would be light for him. I never really nagged him about time. Only recently, I was kind of asking him about spending time together because we don’t live in the same state when we’re not in school and I wanted to spend some quality alone time with him before we left for winter break. I also thought winter break would be perfect for us to text and call and factime since we wouldn’t have school in the way. He made time when he could and I appreciated him for that. I know school is the number one priority and it gets tough so I don’t fault him for that at all. I think he thinks I did because I’ve gotten sad when he’s had to leave but that’s normal because I love the time we spend together. And I also love the feeling I get when I miss him and I know he misses me. I don’t know if he feel like I need to be around him all the time and stuff but honestly I was happy with the way our relationship flowed with the space we had, and looking forward to spending time with him. I was the last person to text and I was explaining my feelings and the things we talked about in our relationship so he could understand me from my viewpoint. He hasn’t texted me back in 24 hours. I wish he could have been open with me about how he was feeling because we could have planned things better and work things out better rather than jumping to a break up and suggesting we be friends. How can I be friends with my Prince charming. I’ve started NC today and I honestly pray we can work this out because we were in such a happy place together. Please help me get my baby back!!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 20, 2017 at 9:45 pm


      Check this one:
      The Ungettable Girl

  3. Cece

    December 20, 2017 at 2:41 am

    I just got broken up with yesterday and this was honestly a big blindside for me. We had been dating for about three months and everything just seemed perfect. I tried to make sure that if I saw any red flags I ignores them and really took my time with this one. We were just always happy around each other all the time. We have quite a few little things in common together and we honestly just have a great time together. When we started to get a “little” more serious, we had the “where is this going” conversation and he took the lead. He told me I shouldn’t be afraid to become attached to him because what we were working towards was being in a committed relationship, and I believed him on that, and it honestly made me feel secure. The reason he broke up with me was because of time. We’re in college, I’m a junior and he’s graduating this year. He told me that the one thing he couldn’t give me that I deserved was time because of school. But this completely blindsided me because 1. We’re out on Christmas break now so he definitely has just a little bit more time to contact me over the holidays and 2. We’ve talked about next semester and what he said to me was that he was taking lighter courses next semester so we would have more time to spend together. Everything was wonderful literally a week ago. And I’ve explained my feelings on the situation to him. He told me he wants to be around physically but in this moment, it’s tough. I explained my feelings and what we talked about to him, and I honestly wish we would have talked about this before he made this decision because I’m more understanding about his time than I think what he’s giving me credit for. I was actually happy with how things were going and I was expecting things to pick up like he said. Being with him has taught me to enjoy the moment. I was really starting to fall for him. I could even love him….and it’s crazy because there’s so much more I want to learn about him. The way I feel is that he’s not giving us a chance. There are ways to fix the time issue. I want him back. I’m starting NC today. Please help me. I felt that I found my Prince charming the day I met him. He’s just amazing. I’m happy but with him my smile is brighter than the sun. Any advice please!!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 20, 2017 at 9:45 pm


      Check this one:
      The Ungettable Girl

  4. Sophie

    August 31, 2017 at 10:20 am


    My ex and I have been in a relationship for about 2.5 years. I am 23 and he is 25.

    In the beginning of our relationship we were having long distance, but spend summers living together. Still, we would fly and see each other every second week during semesters. So we saw each other plenty. This year coming would be the last of long distance as Im done with uni after this year. Anyhow, long distance have worked just fine for us until last year. I hit a rough period in my life with friends letting me down and I felt lonely.. I became needy and depended on him quiet a lot. It was not a good time for us but we worked through it (its been a year now). I never fully understood what he meant when he said he needed space, so I didn’t take it seriously. But then in March we had a serious talk about it, that we kept fighting about this one thing and we were suggesting taking a break. However, we didn’t. I tried to improve, to give him space, to let him do whatever he wanted to do. I asked him several times during summer if he could see an improvement – he said he did. I didn’t get upset when he got home from work late, I encourage him to do things, suggested that he would go see his friends alone etc. Still, he always said he wanted me to come with. So I did silly enough.

    Another thing was that I found out in May that he had been writing to girls hes slept with telling them how beautiful they are. Now, my ex ex boyfriend did this as well as cheating irl and my ex knows this. This is probably also one of the reasons why I have been so needy. My ex never really apologised for this, we never had a proper conversation about it. All I wanted to do was to put this behind us and move forward, but I struggled as I didn’t receive the apology I needed (just for him to tell me he is really sorry and what he could do to make me feel better). So throughout the summer, I have been making comments, sometimes bringing it up, asking him if he doesn’t feel bad about what he did. Hes always just ignored my comments saying hes said hes sorry.

    Another thing that is probably good to know is that he lost his job last year, he moved to my country and started a new career (which he says hes really happy in). Its a new language (although everyone speaks english), and a new environment, he needs to make new friends etc etc. He just bought an apartment here, and we moved in together in February (temporarily for me though as Im off to uni soon again just had a semester of internship which I chose to do at home) His dad passed away when he was 18 (hes 25 now), and Im pretty sure hes not dealt with it yet (I’ve not wanted to force him to talk about it, I’ve let him slowly open up to me instead). His dad left a company behind and since the death there has been a lot of family issues with the dads side. They all want in on the money, and they have no contact now apart from through lawyers and they’re threatening with court. Hes gone through a lot considering his age and I know hes struggling even if he would never admit it. Hes also an only child.

    Anyways, apart from this everything has been great. We always laugh, speaking about engagement, future, kiss, hold hands, his family came to visit just last month for two weeks. My family have been to his mum as well (we live in different countries but culture is the same), We all get along really really well. Just the day before the breakup he was holding my hand as much as always, dancing in the kitchen, chasing me in the apartment ticketing me, telling me he loves me etc etc. You get the picture.

    Then came the day of “Im not sure this will work”. I was in complete shock. My parents were in complete shock. His mum was in complete shock. My friends were as well. When he told me he thought he wanted to break up he cried like crazy. I tried to get some answers out of him but it was just “I need space and we always end up fighting about the same issue”.
    I tried to convince him to not take this decision but he seemed to have made his mind up. So I left. But then I decided to come back and I stayed the night in the apartment. He went out as well but I came back before him. Anyways, when he came back home he seemed happy to see me. He said hes really been thinking about what I had said about giving it a chance. he was cuddling me, holding my hand etc. We spoke normally about life and eventually we fell asleep.

    The next morning before he left for work he came to lie close to me (I thought we were going to kiss), he looked into my eyes and gave me compliments. He also said I want you to remember what I said last night about Ive been thinking about what you said. Just before he left he said “see you tonight”. I said “are you sure” and he said “yes I am sure”. We didn’t have any contact thoughout the whole day. When I came home, he was acting all normal. I tried for be normal for like half an hour but felt that it was awkward and I rather just know whats going on in his head. So I asked how he was feeling. He said he didn’t know. That he needed to think. That he needed a proper night sleep and food. I tried once again to tell him how sorry I was for not giving him space. That I never fully understood it before but that Ive spoken to a few people and tried to look at our relationship from his perspective and that I understand now and that I want a chance to prove this. He said what I said was exactly how he felt but he still didn’t know. thats when I eventually decided to leave the apartment and go stay with my family for a few days to let him be while “he needed to think.”

    I gave him his time to think, and stayed quiet until he contacted me (3 days). He said he was sorry. That we keep coming back to the same issue, that he needs space and alone time, that this won’t change. We won’t change. I went to the apartment the same evening to talk, but he said “it won’t change, we have had this issue for too long”. I asked if he missed me during the days we didn’t speak, he burst out crying saying ” yes a lot”. (I’ve only seen him cry once). I told him please let me prove to you that I can give you your space, I never took it seriously before. But he said no. I said how will you know unless you give me a chance, you got nothing to loose. If it doesn’t work it doesn’t work. But he said hes made his mind up. I said I might have to delete him off social media for my own good etc. He started to cry even more, so much he couldn’t speak. He was waving his arms saying theres so much he want to say but he can’t. He agreed that we were perfect together, that he was so happy with me etc etc.

    We hugged, I said Im sorry. I know hes going though a lot and the last thing he needs right now is me being petty over a few messages. He said hes sorry he never opened up to me more etc. He cried even more saying something about how its not fair on me to always have to spend my holiday in Dubai (hes British but they live out there) because he have to run errands there all the time. I said I don’t care but yeh. He said how I need to find a better him. That I will get over him way easier than I think, that he will struggle more etc.

    Anyhow, I did not see this coming. Hes been just as warm and affectionate as always. Reassuring me how much he loves me. Just looking at the text the day before he broke up he was making sure I was ok, said he missed me and was looking forward too tonight. Two days before we were talking different stones on rings, we booked a trip to France two days before he broke up (that was meant to happen the week after) etc etc. I definitely didn’t see it coming at all full stop.

    It has now been 11 days of no contact. As I lived in his apartment, I decided to go there when I knew he was away (he went on “our” holiday to see his friend in France instead). I packed most of my clothes and wrote a note saying “I’ve taken the first load. Will take the rest soon. Hope holiday treated you well”. I felt that it would be rude or upsetting if I just walked in to the apartment without saying anything as its his. I didn’t expect a reply and I didn’t get one.

    The only contact we have had was yesterday. He is my “trust person” on my gmail and if I log in from another computer that gmail doesn’t recognise it sends an email to my ex boyfriend asking to confirm that everything is ok. I had no idea that it would be sending that to him but apparently it did as I got an email and text from him the day after.

    “Hey, you might want to look in to this” Ive forwarded you the email”. – that was the text

    “Hi XXX,

    maybe you should check the email below.


    – that was the email

    I never replied. But he is very formal and it feel strange. Two weeks ago it was “we are so perfect together ” and now its like we don’t even know each other.

    As I said, its been 11 days of no contact. The trouble is, I’m leaving for uni in just over a weeks time now. As this relationship ended so suddenly for me, I struggle to accept it. I think his excuse is rubbish and it bothers me. If he loves me, is still attracted to me then you make it work.

    At first I thought it was another reason that he didn’t want to tell me, like lost feelings or seeing someone else. Our friend (more his friend, they used to work together and hes like 50) sent him an email saying hes heard the news and was very sorry. That he thought that we were destined for each other. That it must have been a tough decision to make etc. He replied saying:

    “It’s not been easy and I often feel like it would be easier to just jump back in but I also know that we both have stuff to sort out and I just don’t see it being constructive together. Sadly my liver is taking the brunt of my problems at the moment but that too will pass”

    He tried to ask more questions but it was obvious my ex didn’t want to talk about it. Hes just made his mind up and stubborn as he is, he will stick to it no matter what. (hes very very proud). I contacted his mum to say thank you and to hope I don’t have to loose her just because were not together anymore. She didn’t even know it was over. He doesn’t talk to anyone apart from one of his friends (who’s really bad influence and Ive never liked). His family friends still have no clue as they’re commenting on my pictures like were still together etc. (I went to Prague last week and posted some pictures to show how fun I have lol).

    Anyways, Im off to uni next week (another country) and I know hes made his mind up but I would love to just meet and finish on a high. I was thinking of cutting the nc short, send him a text later this week to suggest a time to meet up (he might not even want to). When we meet, not talk about our relationship or the ending. I won’t get any answers anyways as he still doesn’t seem to know what hes doing, he just seems to know it won’t work. I just want to chat, laugh and leave with a good feeling and not that feeling I have now – both of us crying when he hugged each other goodbye.

    I have also written a letter, which I am tempted to give to him after we’ve met up. Its not a “lets get back together” letter, but a “I understand what I have done wrong”. Ive shown most of my friends and family the letter and they say its really good.

    Anyways, I think what I want to say with this massive comment is what is your take on all of this? I want to let go of all hope I have but its hard. I love him so much and I know he loves me. To me it feels as if hes putting all of his energy into living with the decision hes made.

    Thanks for reading!

    1. Sophie

      September 3, 2017 at 9:24 am

      So, yesterday my friend told me that she had spoken to my ex to get some clarification (I had no idea) about the breakup. He said that he had not been in contact with me during these weeks because he didn’t want to send the wrong signals. But that when we broke up, he had told me that I could contact him whenever I wanted but that I hadn’t. He also said that he felt smoothered in the relationship, that he lost a bit of himself and that he knows I want to make it work/improve but he says it doesn’t happen over night and he is not ready/wants to do it. That he feels lighter now and that he feels more like himself again. and that she could tell me this. And then he said he hated to break my heart and that I am a really lovely girl.

      But then a week ago he told his friend that it was really tough, that he was ruining his liver at the moment (drinking too much) and that he often thought it would be easier to just jump back in to it.

      Anyways, as I leave the country in a weeks time, I sent him a casual text yesterday of two weeks without contact.
      I wrote:

      “I would love to meet for a meal or drink next Friday at 19. As Im leaving very soon I would like to end us on a high. Also, Ive got some exciting news I think you’d love to hear”

      He texted back immediately saying

      “Ooo what news? I think that is a good idea, what do you fancy having?

      I waited three hours to reply, then I replied

      “ill tell you when I see you 🙂 Drinks?”

      He said:

      “Finneeee, sure we can have drinks. Anywhere in mind?

      I replied in the middle of the night pretending I just got home from a night out

      “What about XXX? (a bar)

      He replied this morning as soon as he woke up

      “yeah XXX sounds good”

      It annoys me that he tells my friend that hes not been in contact with me because he doesn’t want to send the wrong signals but then he acts so happy when I text him. I feel like he genially is happy to get a text from me, but Im scared its not because he wants me back but because he misses me as a friend.

      Anyways, we are now meeting next Friday. Im going to look really good (not too much though, but you know), Ill be up and happy, not talking about the relationship or anything like that. I know it will be tough but I believe if I die the impression that I am sort of ok without him, he will be a bit confused even if he doesn’t want me back.

      What do you think?

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 3, 2017 at 7:56 pm

      talk first, and then come back here if you still need help..

    3. Sophie

      September 1, 2017 at 8:35 am

      Hi Amor,

      thank you for replying so quickly. Maybe I do deserve to be treated better (makes me feel good knowing you think so too), but right now all I want is for him to get back with me. Whether that is in a few months or now. (might have moved on in a few months but yeh). Ive worked hard to look like Im very social (which I have been, out every night with friends doing different things) don’t want to put up too much though as Im scared it will be too obvious that I’m doing it for him to see. Also Ive met several guys but no one catch my interest even if they really want to go out with me. Im scared to add them on Facebook as my ex boyfriend might see and think “if shes doing it then I can do it”.

      What do you think I should do? Would it be ok to just send a text and ask to meet up for a meal because I would like to end this on a high rather than what we have now (both crying and hugging goodbye). I am aware he might say he doesn’t want to, but then at least it proves what he’s like… For my own closure I feel like I need a proper ending. Does he even want back, or am I overanalysing the text he sent our friend and hes made his mind up completely?

      Thank you!

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 31, 2017 at 7:52 pm

      Hi Sophie,

      Honestly, it looks like you don’t value yourself that much.. With how he treated you, it’s not a surprise that he broke up with you..that’s not meant to hurt you, but for you to realize that you need to love and respect yourself more..
      Check this ones:
      The Ungettable Girl

      Stage 5 Clinger – Getting A Boyfriend Back If You Were Too Clingy

      Do You Have The Same Values As Your Ex? (With Chase Kosterlitz)

  5. Amelia

    January 12, 2017 at 5:12 pm

    My ex and I were together for 7 months. He moved into my place shortly after we started dating. We were not intimate for several weeks even though he was living with me. Things were going really well and we clicked. Before we had met I was in a bad place at my job and was applying other places. 3 months into the relationship I was offered a job out of state. We sat down and discussed what the options were and what would be best. It was never a one sided relationship. We agreed it was a great opportunity and we decide to move together. He was a self employeed construction worker so he was worried about finding work. The location of the new job unfortunately didn’t have many options for rentals or places to stay so we purchased a 5th wheel from my brother and built a storage trailer for all my other belongings. We packed up and moved out of state. Things changed when we got here as I was not able to spend as much time with him learning my new job and getting to know my way around. We were staying on a women’s property and things with her started to become overbearing. He couldn’t deal with her constantly nagging him and getting him to do things and then complain about it. He found a new place for us to move. So we packed up and left. We spent almost all our free time together and discussed what was happening throughout the day. At one point he mentioned that he was depressed and felt that he took me away from everyone and everything I knew and he was sorry. He broke it off and I was extremely hurt, and overwhelmed. We spoke every single day after the break up until I had a mental breakdown a week ago. I knew my ex had started a new relationship a week after the breakup and moved her into the 5th wheel. We were still friends on Facebook at this time and a man I had met posted a video on my page, and within minutes my ex posted his relationship status. I was crushed. I went off and broke down calling him and texting him mean comments, I have to admit that this here was more going on for me as my previous ex who was abusive had just contacred me this here he day before. I was emotional spent and couldn’t handle it anymore. My current ex contacted my family and told them I need help. I haven’t heard from him since that time. I’m struggling each day and I know he is liking everything on his new girlfriends page and changing himself. He went and got several tattoos and dyed his hair the same day she did so they would match. She is 8 years younger. He kept telling me he loves me and wants to help me. That I came into his life at the wrong theme but theme hat we are meant to be in each other’s lives. This is theimehathe second girl he has been with since the breakup, he mentioned that living in theimehathe hegemony 5th wheel was just too crowded with 2 dogs and 2 people. He couldn’t even wait a week before he moved her on and still has 2 dogs. It has been 4 weeks at this point that that they have been together. Im concerned about him and what he is doing and I know I shouldn’t be an did that hey his hat I am who I should worry about. His actions and words are confusing me. Please help.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 13, 2017 at 2:25 pm

      Hi Amelia,

      did he meet her during the relationship? Are you getting professional help?

  6. Amy

    January 11, 2017 at 1:20 am

    My boyfriend and I had been together for almost 5 years. I felt like everything was going fine, he seemed a little distant this past month because he said he was stressed out about work and I was trying to be understanding. The other day when I went to go see him after work he was acting like he didn’t want me there and being really quiet and not really responding to anything I was saying. So I decided to get up and told him I was going to go home and he said do you want to talk about it? I said okay…I told him I didn’t feel like he wanted me there and he shouldn’t have told me to come over. Then he proceeds to say that he doesn’t think the relationship has been going well. He hasn’t felt the same for the past two months and he just wants to be alone and he thinks we don’t talk as much as we used to. I just kept saying that I didn’t understand and I asked him what he wanted and he said that he didn’t know. I said that we can work on whatever he needs and we can make it work since we’ve already come this far. He didn’t budge and he said he just wants to be alone and he hasn’t been happy. I asked, so you are going to be happier alone than spending time with me? He said no. I asked if he didn’t love me anymore and he didn’t answer. I was crying a lot and he started crying too. Before I left I told him that I loved him and I cared about him and I wanted him to be a part of my life and he was crying. I feel like he gave me mixed signals and I’m not sure what to think. I don’t understand why he invited me to his family’s for christmas if he was feeling this way as well. I know I can’t force him to have feelings for me if he doesn’t but I know that we can get that spark back and we can work on our relationship and improve our communication. I texted him that same night that we broke up and he didn’t respond. I started NC, it’s only been 3 days but I feel like I lost my best friend and I love of my life and I feel so broken.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 11, 2017 at 12:30 pm

      Hi Amy,

      at least you started nc.. be active in improving yourself..

  7. Felicia

    December 28, 2016 at 3:11 pm


    My ex and I have been together for 4 years and just about a week ago, he broke up with me unexpectedly. I received a text from him around 1 a.m. while he was at work stating that, “He could not do the relationship”. I went to his apartment the next day to try to talk him out of it to no avail. Everything has been going good in our relationship and I had no idea that he wanted to just breakup like this. His reasoning was that he was a very boring person and he did not want to do anything and felt that I deserved something more and he felt that he could not give me. Now we have broken up once before for basically the same reasons where he gets in a depressive mode and shuts down and feels that he can’t make me happy even though that’s not the case at all. I knew all about his loner personality at the start of his relationship so it never was a problem, we always compromised with things that he wanted to do and things that I wanted to do respectively. Another thing about him is that he is not really the talkative type, which I also knew at the beginning of our relationship. He also, states that he is a bad friend and shuts down completely from family members and friends. I can tell that he is depressed about something but he is not the type of person to talk about his feelings and he pushes away the people that care about him most. He says that he still is very much in love with me and does not want to lose me, so that’s where my confusion lies. I want him to know that he has me to get through this rough patch but he must let me in.

    1. Felicia

      December 30, 2016 at 3:38 pm

      Thank you so much, I figured that I needed to just give him some space so that he can work on himself. He’s just stubborn when it comes to expressing his feelings, he rather just holds it in and deal with it internally. He would rather sit in his room and play video games and be alone when he is really bothered. I also noticed that he is very vocal on social media, he debates a lot about political and social issues on Facebook and those can get intense to where he let’s what they say get to him. He does not have many friends since he is very selective on who he keeps in his circle.

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 31, 2016 at 8:27 am

      ok! You’re welcome!

    3. Felicia

      December 30, 2016 at 12:23 pm

      During the last breakup, the was no-contact for about 2 months then we gradually started talking again. Then we started to hang out with each other and we eventually got back together and it lasted about 2 years up until last week when he gave me the same reasoning as last time. I am applying the no-contact rule, I did send him a Merry Christmas text and thanked him for the gift he bought my daughter (not his). I also texted him the day after Christmas and told him that I loved him and missed him and that wasn’t going to change. I haven’t talked to him since then.

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 30, 2016 at 3:26 pm

      that means you need to be transparebt with him before getting back together..he has to improve himself first and then ask him, what happens if he gets sad again? but it can take longer than 2 months this time before you actually see progress with him again

    5. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 30, 2016 at 6:51 am

      Hi Felicia,

      how did you get back together before? Are you going to do the no contact rule?

  8. Casandra

    December 12, 2016 at 3:50 pm

    Hi, my ex and i have been broken up for about 2.5 weeks now and i feel like i’ve completely lost everything.
    Back story: We have been together for almost 7 years. About 2-3 years ago, I met a guy at work and started flirting/texting with him. It only lasted about 4 days before my boyfriend found out. He was hurt and felt like he couldn’t trust me. I was determined to prove that he could trust me so I cut off contact with the guy, promised to not go on social media (because a lot of the interaction occurred on there), he had one request that if i were to ever start using it again to just let him know, i also allowed my boyfriend to read/ see all the conversations between me and the guy, i even cut off contact with all my other guy friends and even some girl friends and just did everything I could to prove that it didn’t mean anything and was a mistake and he could trust me. (Side note: i really didn’t even like or want to be in a relationship with the guy i just liked the attention). After all this happened, my relationship with my boyfriend improved drastically. We stopped fighting, and when we did we would fix it immediately. We spent more time with each other, we started traveling, and we just really embraced our relationship and our love for each other. Many times since the incident occurred, he has told me how proud he was of me that he can trust me again and that I really proved myself to him. We were talking about our future and making plans, we started these new routines that we would do every week like go to the grocery store every Friday and buy ingredients to make a huge dinner and cook together. He would show up at my house and whisk me away to these cute private places with nice sceneries where we could sit and talk for hours. And our relationship was just so strong. And i believe we were completely over what had happened with the guy years prior. So the week before Thanksgiving, my brother called me up and said that i “just had” to see this video he posted of my niece on snapchat, so for the first time in 3 years i logged on, watched the video, and then logged out. I didn’t think that this was important enough to tell my bf considering i was on for less than 5 minutes and wasn’t planning on using it again. A couple days later, during a convo while snuggling on the couch, he asks if i had gone on snapchat recently, i immediately panicked and said no. The second i said no i couldn’t believe i lied and didn’t know how to fix it. He didn’t believe me and kept asking but i was already in panic mode and continued to say no. One way or another he was able to figure out that I had been on recently and he immediately asked me to leave his house and to not contact him, he would contact me. We stood outside for over an hour with me crying and begging for him to let me explain that i never meant to lie i just panicked and didn’t know how to take it back. (Side note: i have always made it a point not to lie to my bf and am devastated i ruined that within seconds.) This was on a Saturday. I didn’t hear from him again till Thursday (Thanksgiving). He texted me and said “i am ready to talk” i replied hours later and asked if we could talk the next day as it was Thanksgiving and I was with family. He kept pushing to see me so i finally gave in thinking we were just going to talk things out. He pulled up to my driveway and broke up with me. We both cried in his car for over and hour with him telling me he just couldn’t trust me and me pleading with him that he could and that it was just an accident. The next day (Friday) we texted and he agreed to re think our relationship. Throughout the next week i kept texting and calling for him to just block me. Finally the following Friday (Dec 2) he agreed to talk to me at his house. I kept explaining my side to him and that we shouldn’t be broken up and he said he knows but i lied so he cant trust me. He then went on to talk about what happened years ago. I told him that he lead me to believe we were past that and that he even told me that he trusted me, he agreed and said that he couldn’t believe the trust he had for me until I lied over this stupid little fight. I told him I permanently deleted all my social media and contacts in my phone and i’m willing to do whatever it takes to show him just how trustworthy i am. He said he can’t see himself with me anymore and told me i couldn’t change his mind. He told me he loves me and we hugged and cried for a long time. I even saw in his room that he still has the candy bar and bag of chips that i was eating the night if our fight still sitting on his table. When i confronted him he told me he couldn’t bring himself to throw them out. He also said that he has been drinking every night since the break up.
    He walked me to my car and we said i love you again.
    The next day (Sat Dec 3) we emailed and that was the last time i spoke to him.
    Since the break up I’ve lost 10 lbs, i cant eat/ sleep, I’m having panic attacks, my friends are worried for me, i cant stop crying and i feel completely empty inside. My friends and family have been taking me out to get my mind off of it, I’ve even tried talking to some guys. But i feel absolutely nothing, i cant stop thinking about him. I truly believe in my heart and my gut that we are supposed to be together. When talking to friends and family they feel that after everything happened and how happy we were, this was just a bump in the road and he over reacted they say they can just look at me and see how sorry i am for lying and that it just wouldn’t happen again.
    I’ve lost that fun spark about me, i try to be happy but everyone sees right through me.
    As of right now, i’m trying NC. Its been a week and one day and i feel like I am going insane.
    I am scared i don’t have a chance of getting back together with him as he is stubborn and said “he cant see us getting back together”
    He even said during our talk that he just wants some time to ourselves so we can get over each other and then we can be friends and do things normally, like he wants me to go over his house and cook dinners like we always do and watch movies on his couch or go out for drinks. He doesn’t even want to tell him family or friends why we broke up because he doesn’t want them thinking negatively about me. So he hasn’t spoken to anyone about the relationship and I’m afraid when he does they’re going to encourage him to get over me.
    At this point, i feel helpless. He can trust me 100% and i want a chance to prove that to him. I can’t really see my life without him. I know i shouldn’t do this to myself over a guy but at this point he’s my other half. He improves my life and makes me happy. It seems to me that he is sitting at his house drinking and trying to force himself to stop loving me and i’m sitting here loving him all because he has this idea that he can’t trust me and he can.
    Please help me!
    Do i have a chance in getting him back?
    If so, how?

    1. Casandra

      January 20, 2017 at 4:56 pm

      I must say, it did feel nice to have someone that seemed interested in me, I wasn’t interested in him but it kind of took the pain away from the break up at the moment so there was some flirting but at the same time i knew in the back of my head that it could be my ex so i tried to keep it as neutral as i could at the same time. We would just try to get to know eachother and whatnot but it almost seemed like he knew about me or what my answers to questions would be before i could even answer them. The kid wouldn’t go to sleep till i went to sleep each night and would text me good morning every morning. It was very strange and he would try to kind of make future plans with me and we only talked for a week so everything was just strange and felt too coincidental.
      I have been trying to improve myself. I go out more. And I’m spending a lot of time with family. And getting a job. I feel like things with my life are going good but at the same time it doesn’t feel “complete” without my ex.
      Theres a mixture of feelings after this whole “texting with another guy that could be my ex” sitution. I feel like its just another reason for him to say “i cant trust you” and of course i dont want that but at the same time it’s too shady on his part if this is something that he’s capable of now so really i cant trust him.
      It just seems like there so much unknown at this point (everything is just speculation at this point) and i just want answers and hopefully my relationship back.
      I’m not sure if I should continue with the nc or just contact him and get to the bottom of everything. OR act like i dont know and just be bubbly and whatnot when/if i contact him!

      Im so confused! Lol

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 21, 2017 at 7:20 pm

      weigh the consequences..if he says, that it is him, how would you feel? how would he react? if he says it iant him, how would he react to your question?

    3. Casandra

      January 18, 2017 at 4:06 pm

      Hi Amor,
      So it has been over a month since I had last seen my ex, when i posted laat time, my ex boyfriend had texted me saying he was having a difficult time dealing with the break up, two days after he text me to get drinks, i agreed and we met up. After we meet up and asking why he asked me out, he said he “justwanted to see whats up” we end up going back to his place to talk and end up sitting there for almost 8 hours. He told me that he missed me amd that he doesn’t want to rule out us ever getting back together. he said he doesnt want to be with anyone else or talk to anyone, and if he wanted to be in a relationship again he wanted it to be with me. The whole time i could see it written across his face that he loved me and for some reason he was pushing me away but would only say that we cant be together because he “cant trust me”. The whole time he wouldnt let me go. He has his arm around my waist and would just keep pulling me closer and he would start to cry, i know there has to be something else because the reason he gave is childish and it was obviously to me that he wanted to be with me. Thiugh, the whole time he said that we cant be laying down like this because it was “inappropriate” which doesn’t make much sense to me.
      I even saw his mom that night and her words to me were “he has a little boy mind, he doesnt get it, don’t stop trying”
      He even told me that he was checking up on my twitter and i had gone to the christmas spectacular (something he really wanted to do) and he was upset that i went without him.
      The whole night he also jusy kept saying to me “casandra you’re so beautiful. I never toldyou that enough when we were going out. I dont think i even realized kt but you’re so beautiful. Omg. You’re so beautiful” (This is so confusing to me)
      When i was leaving he said he that he would see/contact me the next week.
      I even ran into him the next day on campus and he came running over to me with the biggest smile on his face and acting like we never broke up.
      The next week came and went and i didn’t hear anything from him. He even went all through Christmas without a single text. And then the day after Christmas i was woken up by two calls from him. I decided to ignore them. About 4 hours later, i get a text from him saying “hey, im not sure why you’re dodging my calls but do you have my ski jacket”
      Of course this was upsetting to me but i replied that i did and that i was leaving my house but i would leave it for him outside (that way we didn’t have a chance to see eachother). He text me again asking why i was ignoring his calls and i ignored that text as well. I ended up going out for HOURS. And when i got back, the jacket was still there. But not even 5 minutes after i got home, he ended up coming to get it. I haven’t heard from him since that day. He even went through New Years and my birthday without a single text. I feel like this is so weird and unlike him especially since we dated 7 years and he expressed that he wanted to be friends. Like how can you not text me happy birthday? Especi When he knows how bad this break up has affected me.
      Another strange thing happened: a kid from my college followed me on twitter, and my immediate thought was that he had some connection to my ex. When i was looking through his profile i doscovered that he just had alot of similarities and liked the same things as my ex. The kid ended uo messaging me, and i kept it cool and neutral, just incase. We ended up texting back and forth for a week and scheduled to meet up, whenever he wasnted to meet up, i realized that they were at the same times my ex would be off of work and available, there were just a lot of coincidences that I feel like can’t be ignored. (Like maybe this kid is one of my ex’s new friends and they’re kind of baiting me). So finally the kid and i were about to meet up, the kid texted me something like “im leaving work soon” and then i never heard from him again. It’s like he fell off the face of the earth. I expressed my concern to my family and friends and told them about all the coincidence and they have the same feeling as i do, that my ex is somehow behind this new guy talking to me. Though, i dont want to put this blaming on my ex because for all we know, it could have just been a huge coincidence.

      I’ve had a lot of time to think and i know that i want my ex back more than anything. I’ve done the 30 days nc and i dont know what to do.
      Everyone tells me he’s going to regret this break up but i feel like unless someone tells him exaxtly what he did wrong, he’s not going to understand. I kind of want to just call him and let him know like “im
      Okay walking away from this relationship because i know at this point that i didnt do anything wrong.” And then just kind of explain to him my side of things again and express to him how this break up doesnt make any sense. Like we had a beautiful happy relationship. Always happy and laughing and always with eachother enjoying one another and he bails after this misunderstanding? Its just absurd.
      I was hoping to get your advice and thoughts on this?
      It’s been almost 2 months since the breakup and i still cry my eues out everynight and i have the worst panic attacks over this. I miss him so much. He was my bestfriend amd my boyfriend and im determined to get him back. I just dont know how to start. At this pint i dont feel like it’s an option. I have tk get him back.

      Would you please offer some advice? Thank you.

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 19, 2017 at 5:52 pm

      I really think that kid is your’s a very small chance that it’s a coincidence.. so that means you didnt actually did 30 days..
      are you still actively improving yourself? what did you and that kid talked about?

    5. Casandra

      December 14, 2016 at 5:49 pm

      Thank you,
      I’ve amped up my twitter and started posting things like going out with friends and just showing that I’m happy. I, also, included that I got a job and am going to the gym more (Things he encouraged me to do).
      He text me the other day saying “hey. idk why i texted you. Anyway, I think reality finally sank in and I’m having a difficult time trying to act like this break up hasn’t phased me anymore. I hope you are well, take care of yourself”
      I didn’t answer back and two hours later he replied “Are you ignoring me?”
      I’m not sure what this means
      Due to stupidity and my friends/family encouraging me, I replied back a few hours later with “Well i dont know if you’re just letting me know how you are feeling right now or are you trying to tell me something”
      It’s been 2 days now and no reply from him. I don’t understand why he would text me ask if im ignoring him and then go and ignore me.
      Anyway, I don’t know what he’s thinking but I know he is the type of guy that if he’s missing me/ knows he made a mistake and he sees that I’m okay and happy, he won’t tell me because he wouldn’t want to bother me, he will just deal with his problems by himself. So at this point, idk what that text meant and idk what to do.

    6. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 15, 2016 at 9:38 am

      That’s very good! I think it meant what it said.. He missed you.. and that’s it, he just wants to talk because he missed the talking but that doesn’t mean he wants to get back with you.. If he is the type that lets you be then that means you can focus in improving yourself and getting your self esteem back and your life to grow before talking to him again

    7. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 14, 2016 at 3:08 pm

      Hi Cassandra,

      Your first mistake is that you became subdominant after the flirting thing. It’s ok to cut all contact with the guy, but to cut all social media and friends is unreasonable. You related it to the mistake which you shouldn’t have. Cutting contact with the guy was enough. And you didn’t actually moved on from it, because if you did, you wouldn’t be afraid to use social media and to let him know about it. Start by taking back your power by making more appropriate actions. Go back to the social media, reconnect with friends, stop chasing. You’ve already explained your side. That’s enough. If you’re afraid that being active in social media will make him angry, then make an indirect post saying that it’s been a long time since you used your account because of personal reasons but you’re restarting your life, and doing the things you love doing because there’s nothing wrong with it. Take back power and responsibility. Your sincere apology and explanation was enough. If he still doesn’t want to believe you, then don’t be a victim to it. Don’t be a victim to his ego and authority. The power in the relationship should be equal and not being able to do what you like doing and see your friends is not a healthy relationship.

  9. Ola

    December 11, 2016 at 9:26 am

    My ex and I we are right now friends with benefits. It was his idea. During our meetings he was talking about girls which we wanted to date or something. Between those meeting we were texting only about when we were going to meet. However recently something has changed. He has started to text me in normal way, to chat about different topics. During our last meeting I stayed at his house fo a night( it hadn’t happened before) and he hugged me, just like we used to do, when we were couple. Is there a chance that he still thinks about me? Does he start to feel something for me? What should I do ?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 13, 2016 at 6:18 pm

      HI Ola,

      stop being sleeping with him. It is his idea but you have your own decision. If you really want to be taken seriously, act like it. Don’t be friends with benefits. If he leaves you because of it, then that shows he really is not serious with you. Just be friends first. Build a relationship that way.

  10. Donna

    December 8, 2016 at 8:40 pm


    I am currently doing NC once again after I failed at contacting my ex leaving him a tweet congratulating him on his new job that he has been waiting years for. Well, at least I think it was a failed attempt. I sent him the tweet using my other Twitter account and I haven’t checked it since November 30 when I sent the tweet.

    I tried to ask Chris for help. He messaged me once on Facebook messenger, but he hasn’t replied in a couple weeks.

    I feel lost here Amor. I have been working out and walking 3 miles a day since Thanksgiving. I have also been helping out my mom with my grandma at the nursing home. Not to mention I have been job hunting also.
    Do I need to regain my patience or is this a lost cause considering that my ex seems to have insecurity issues and blocked me because of miscommunications?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 12, 2016 at 4:05 pm

      Hi Donna,

      I think by this time, you should move on. Maybe it’s a mid life crises or not but what’s apparent right now is that he has moved on.

  11. Necey

    November 28, 2016 at 6:52 am

    My Ex and I began dating in May of ’16 and things moved very quickly. We are both in our 30’s but I am 5 years older than him. Within weeks I had met his mother, his friends, extended family and two children and we were traveling together as a couple. My relationship with them continued to grow. After a month he told me he loved me and began to bring up topics such as marriage and us having a family together. He was the perfect boyfriend, so considerate, generous and thoughtful. He wanted to meet my family and friends who all loved him as well. I was cautious, at first but slowly began to fall in love with him as well. His friend were all happy for us and some even told me “I was the best woman” he ever dated.

    Towards the end of the summer I got a new job which was a pretty stressful transition for me and simultaneously he began to have some temporary financial difficulties and his children moved to another state. Additionally, I think he felt some type of way that I made more money than him as well. He mentioned that my job was stressing him out as I was constantly talking about it. (In retrospect I was). I did try to make some adjustments so that I did not overwhelm him with my new job but after deep reflection I did somewhat change in the relationship once I went into “work mode.” Towards the beginning of Oct 16′ he began not to call daily and I could tell something was off. He mentioned that “I was winning” and when I said “we are winning” he said he doesn’t feel that way bc of his financial situation. A few weeks later when I asked him about what was going on as he was increasingly distant, he said “he needed space and that he is in a place where he wants to get married, but he is not where he wants to be financially.” I said ok, if you think that is best, as I don’t want to make you hurt, and gave him a hug leaving on good terms. He said he didn’t want to break up and texted me for a few days but then I didn’t hear from him anymore.

    I went into no contact for three weeks and then texted him a “I came across something you re going to want to hear about” and the conversation began friendly for a week or two. Then we ended up having a conversation about “why he broke up with me” and it was somewhat tense. “He said I did not have his back etc and that if he needed help he would have helped me etc.” I replied that “I didn’t know your full situation and you get uncomfortable when ever I try to pay for anything.” He called me later that day, asked me to lunch and began texting me in the morning for about a week. A week or so later he called me to see if I wanted to go to lunch and I said I can’t but can we chat about something later (I have a major ceremony coming up I was going to invite him to). He said “I told you I can’t be in a relationship right now” I said “ok, I understand” but my phone cut off (signal) and we didn’t speak for a week. Thanksgiving he texted me and I replied several hours later.

    Needless to say I am BLIND SIDED… Do you think this is a case of he needs to get his life in order to be with me? Is he intimidated by my financial situation in comparison to his? Can men function in relationships when they do not feel they are “winning?” I really love this man and am sad about the definite potential our relationship had as well as the severance of the relationship between his children, mother and I. Should I go back into no contact for a longer period of time? I believe the first time I did caused him to think I abandoned him when he needed me.

    1. Necey

      November 29, 2016 at 4:38 am

      Thank you Amor! I sent him lunch to his job over the weekend and he called while I was in a bad signal area so I only recieved a text from him telling me he called. When I reached back out he didnt respond nor when I phoned him Sunday evening to invite him to the major event. Today I followed back up and low and behold…he blocked me!

      I rarely contact him first and did no repeated calling or text gnatting, lol. He remarked on several occassions after the break that it was ok for me to and that I should call him. Crazy right, lol…

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 29, 2016 at 7:26 pm

      Yeah..I think you should let him cool down.. When he gets to his senses, talk..

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 28, 2016 at 10:31 pm

      Hi Necey,

      honestly it looks like miscommunication.. He felt insecure before, and then he broke up with you, after that it looks like he expected you to chase, which is good that you didn’t.. And maybe he was being stubborn because pride is all he’s got.. And then it looks like his ego was hurt when he invited you out then you declined. So, he went back at you by saying he doesn’t want a relationship.. I’m not saying you should have accepted his invite.. Im just saying how his reaction looked like to me.. I can be wrong but if Im right.. Then he’s being immature.. You have to have a calm talk about what you both feel… If he continues being stubborn then you have decide if you still want to wait for him

  12. Steph

    November 26, 2016 at 2:03 am

    My ex and I ended on good terms. He thinks I’m a wonderful woman but we’re “victims of circumstance”. Our circumstance is that we both travel for a living and we don’t see each other enough. I don’t think we tried very hard to make things work and I’m disappointed that he gave up so easily (8 months). I’m one week into NC and received a positive text.
    If he already thinks I’m a good person, is there a way to convince him to try our relationship again?

    1. Steph

      November 28, 2016 at 9:05 pm

      I’m not sure of a solution yet. I want to see how the first few texts go after NC. I think he will respond positively and I want to show him we can change the circumstances. I’m working on me and recovering during NC but I’m nervous about those first few contacts.

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 29, 2016 at 6:30 pm

      Ok, use a topic that he loves talking about

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 27, 2016 at 7:55 pm

      Hi Steph,

      do you have a solution in mind for your situation?

  13. Laura

    November 23, 2016 at 1:06 pm

    My ex and I were together for 16 months. Once we hit a year and we both started new jobs, we started having some problems, but they seemed normal and we were genuinely happy together. My mom and my uncle suggested I read “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”, and basically all of our problems are in there (him withdrawing and me getting clingy, needy, and insecure as a result). That book is literally like a how-to guide on our relationship. But we always talked through them, and I thought things were getting better, and I was feeling happier and more secure with him in the relationship. Even with our problems, we didn’t fight that much (we had talked about why we thought that was, and we just genuinely didn’t have much to fight about). I thought we were happy together.
    One night after work, we met up together at a bar. While we were there, we talked about going to a Virginia Tech game the weekend after the election, and just two days before that, we had been talking about going to his family’s vacation house for Thanksgiving. We had a couple drinks (we weren’t drunk though), and we went back to my place to watch a PBS documentary. We were talking all through the documentary and he even ate my leftovers from a few nights before. When the program was over, we decided to go to bed and fool around. Things weren’t quite jiving, and I was getting a little upset. Suddenly, he starts saying how he can’t make me happy and that I need time to work on myself, and that he wasn’t happy either (complete news to me). I was a complete hysterical mess, I couldn’t breathe, I was shaking, my face was soaked in tears, and it’s a little bit hazy. When he got up to leave, I looked up at him and asked “I’m never going to hear from you again, am I?” He said that of course I would hear from him, he would talk to me that weekend (it was a Friday night), and he left. When I didn’t hear from him that weekend, I went to visit my family for the week and get some space and clarity and I texted him to tell him that and that I thought I deserved an explanation and a say. No response.
    Flash forward to two weeks later, I still hadn’t heard anything from him. My mom, convinced that this was just him needing space to work for the upcoming election (he works for a union) and that I should open up a dialogue so this didn’t become a standoff, convinced me to call him. I called from an unknown number, and he picked up. I didn’t cry, I didn’t recriminate, I didn’t even act too sad. I told him what I’d been up to, what was happening in my life, asked him about his, but his guard was up the whole time, and he didn’t really give me much to work with. Then I told him I missed him, and he said he didn’t miss me in the way I hoped he did. After that I wished him luck with the election, and hung up and cried. I haven’t talked to him since.
    Even though he completely broke my heart, I still love him so much, and I want him back. We were incredibly happy together for almost all of our relationship, and I the problems we did have, I think are completely fixable, especially with “Men are from Mars”. I am doing everything I can to soul search, improve myself, and come to self-actualization. I want to own my own happiness, but I still also really want him back. Have I completely messed up by talking to him since the breakup or is there still a chance? Please help me.

    1. Laura

      December 2, 2016 at 4:29 pm

      I’m trying to change that image, with all of the stuff I’m doing above and by not talking to him. The other night I saw one of our mutual friends who helped us get together, and I was very bubbly and happy, talked naturally about all of the things I’ve been up to since the breakup and didn’t mention the breakup at all. I’ve noticed he is looking at my snapchat stories again. What do you mean by restart?

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 2, 2016 at 8:20 pm

      Restart, like both of you have moved on, so you can start out as friends again and slowly build rapport and attraction

    3. Laura

      December 1, 2016 at 8:50 pm

      Would “through the holidays” be too long in NC? That would make it about 6 weeks. I bought the PRO book a few days ago and it said that too much longer then 30 days in NC and he starts to move on. It wasn’t a nasty breakup, like we weren’t fighting or calling each other names and he said I was “a wonderful person” at the end (though I wouldn’t call it a “not bad” breakup, and during it, I begged him not to do it). I’m trying to move into preparing texts, but I’m really nervous about how it’s going to go since it went so badly the last time (for the record, it was before I read this website and the NC rule) and I want to be able to enjoy my vacation as much as I can without worrying about him. I know there’s no guarantee, but I really really want this to go right, and I’m so nervous.

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 2, 2016 at 3:39 pm

      If you came to the point of begging then you have to change that image.. And it also means, he has started to move on or lost attraction at that, it would be better to take this as a restart

    5. Laura

      November 29, 2016 at 1:28 pm

      It has been three weeks since that conversation, and I have to admit that last conversation has made NC pretty easy. I’ve been exercising every day, eating healthy (as a result of both of those, I’ve lost fifteen pounds and I even ran a 5k), seeing a counselor in-person once a week, signed up to volunteer at an animal shelter, accepting every single social invitation offered to me, and this Saturday I’m leaving for a two week trip to India and Sri Lanka with my mom. Every single solution that is suggested to me, from as big as learning to cook to as small as eating every meal off of a pretty plate, I am at least trying, short of drugs, alcohol (I don’t trust myself and I just have no desire), and sleeping around. My plan is to go through Christmas in NC, since I will be abroad most of that time anyway.

    6. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 29, 2016 at 9:31 pm

      Wow!!! That’s the right steps! Go Girl!! Enjoy! I’m envious!

    7. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 26, 2016 at 10:40 am

      Hi Laura,

      I think you still have a shot.. Just start the count of nc from the day after that talk

  14. Patricia

    November 13, 2016 at 8:14 pm

    So, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. Everything seemed nice, thus I was blindsided when three days ago he broke up with me. He said although he loves me very much, he needs to see whatelse is there (I was his first girlfriend and the only person he had sex with). Also he said he didn’t want to hurt me by cheating.
    Then he came to my home and left my things, cried a lot and left. I iniciated the NC right after.
    I really love him, and know that he loves me too. Although i respect his curiosity, im desperate and lost.

    1. Patricia

      November 21, 2016 at 3:55 pm

      I need help urgent please.
      Saturday afternoon, i was going for a ride, as i always do (actually as we always do, same spot everything), parked to smoke, and we ran into eachother. It wasnt planned whatsoever, i was doing for the sake of thinking and organizing my thoughts.
      He pulled over the parking lot, and ask if I could talk to him for a minute.
      I got out the car, he ran to me immediately and hugged me crying, saying how bad he missed me and asking if i could share a cigarette with him.
      I kept it calm and collected, didnt cry or bring up the break up, we made some small talk, he told me about his life and i listened. I didnt talk that much. Then I said goodbye, he hugged me again for about a minute, and then i came home.
      Did I fuck up? I couldnt just sprint out the parking lot without looking crazy..
      Did i just hurt all my progress?
      Please please help

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 23, 2016 at 1:19 am

      Nope, you handled the situation well..

    3. Patricia

      November 18, 2016 at 4:31 pm

      He seems to miss me.. But doesnt talk to me or anything.
      I’m 8 days into NC, working on improving myself, and trying to be happy.
      I read about the grass is greener syndrom, is there any special steps i should take in this case? (i have the ex boyfriend recovery pro, and can’t find anything about that in the book)

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 21, 2016 at 9:39 am

      Approach it like he moved on to the new girl.. You have to let them run their course while you’re still in nc and then just focus in improving yourself during and after nc

    5. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 15, 2016 at 4:10 pm


      it looks like he’s in a grass is greener syndrome. Check this one:
      The Grass is Greener Syndrome For Ex Boyfriends

  15. A

    November 1, 2016 at 3:42 pm

    So my ex broke up with me a month ago, saying that he needed to focus on his career. In a way, I was blindsided, but we also had a fight a few days prior which was unrelated to the reasons he cited. I didn’t try to chase his mind especially since he said that he has already decided that he’ll be working abroad. It was a bad breakup as he simply ghosted me and ended up blocking me on Facebook. I hadn’t talked to him since nor had I attempted to do so even through text.
    What’s currently bothering me is that when his younger brother messages me, the messages seem like they came from him. (Case in point: I made a comment saying that someone might get mad if I tutored his younger brother. Seeing as the younger brother knew the ins and outs of the breakup, I had assumed that he’d immediately think that my ex would get mad. Instead, he started pestering me non-stop about my alleged new bf. He acted really jealous. Mind you, it was the YOUNGER BROTHER that I was talking to, not my ex. Why would he be jealous?) What’s more is that his younger brother admitted that my ex had previously used his account to talk to me, posing as him.
    After much deliberation, I realized that there was a large chance that he could be using his brother’s account to talk to me. There were a lot of inconsistencies and there were topics that I knew a brother wouldn’t delve into with his older brother’s ex. I don’t understand. My ex blocked me on Facebook and Instagram, he showed up at an event my school organized when he knew that I could be there (I’m currently in grad school while he’s already working), and then he might be using his brother’s account to check up on me and talk to me? Why?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 2, 2016 at 6:17 pm

      Hi A,

      he might still have feelings but that doesnt mean he wants to go back with you, so that’s his way of knowing things about you…

  16. Jay

    October 28, 2016 at 1:31 pm

    So, my boyfriend and I were together a little over a year. We got into a relationship fairly quickly after knowing each other. The attraction between us was so strong that we couldn’t just be friends. About 3 weeks ago I got a call from him that we should take a break. It came as a shock because we we’re having any problems. Not that I was aware of anyway. I was so heartbroken but I told him to go if he really wanted to break to think things over. After a couple of days of not talking to him, he broke up with me. He said that he needed space. He didn’t know what he wanted anymore and wanted to find himself. I didn’t make a big scene about it. I let him know how much I care about him and if he wants to go then he should. The thing that surprised me is that he began to cry because he hurt me. I was confused about that because if he was feeling a away about the relationship, he should have just talked to me about it and see if we both lost our way along the line and see how we can go about it together. Now that he wants out and I’ve given him the right to leave why is he crying? I would have cried too but I never want to put myself in a position where it looks like I’m begging for a guy to be with me even if on the inside I’m dying over him. The next two days after the break up we barely talked. He would initiated contact with me and I responded as minimally as possible. Four days after the breakup I officially implemented no contact. The funny thing is that on that day, I went to church. He came to church very late that day and he seen off – he wasn’t himself. He walked passed me several times but didn’t even acknowledge me. I could feel him looking at me from where he was sitting but I tried my best not to give him my attention. It’s been officially 2 weeks now since I started NC. After having this time to think, I have a new perspective about our relationship. I know he said he lost his way but I think I did too I was just scared to communicated it to him. We always said we loved each other and we would do anything to keep our relationship together. But when they going got tough I feel like he just gave up and left without even giving us a fighting chance. I understand that relationships are full off ups and downs. This was basically our first down. Should I fight to keep are relationship to a fresh start after NC is over or simply let it go? Is there any chance I cold get him back or at least back to a point where we can talk openly with each other again?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 29, 2016 at 2:01 am

      Hi Jay,

      Don’t overthink.. Just do nc for now. Focus in yourself, and then think about either moving on or trying after nc.. If you weren’t focused in healing in improving yourself in the past two weeks, restart the count because that’s the most important thing in nc.

  17. J

    October 24, 2016 at 6:20 pm

    Amor! I hope our breakup fairy is doing good 🙂 . I wanted to come back and give an update on progress. I don’t know how much you guys hear back from us who have gotten our exes back but I’m sure post-rekindle info would be useful for you lol. Also wanted to give some hope to other ladies who might read this.
    So my bf and I broke up 2 and a half months ago. We have been back together for a month now and have been together almost 8 months including the 1 month apart. I just want to say everything is going so great, even better than before the break up. He’s improved his communication a lot, being very attentive and I’ve stopped making things so easy for him/babying him. He even surprised me with a date a few weeks ago and took me to this nice restaurant. That’s something we never did before.
    What I really want to tell other ladies is that everything on this site really has the potential to work. But even after you get your ex back, work DOES NOT STOP. There are things that I still have to continue doing that I was doing during the NC/texting periods. For example, I’ve stayed super busy so I don’t txt him back right away. As the articles say here, it really does increase attraction and create the illusion of the chase for him even when you’re back together. Another important thing is understanding the power and value in the word “no”. Before we broke up, I would always come over when he asked, txt when he asked, even have sex when he asked, etc even if I didn’t feel like it. I just wanted to keep him happy. This time around, “no” is my best friend. I’m not just saying no to things just to be mean or put him in check, I’m saying it for myself. But with “no” also comes compromise, because his needs are still important as well. If I don’t feel like coming over one day because I had a long day at school, I won’t and just postpone or txt or call him instead. All of it just ties back to not being so available. And the beauty of it is, being unavailable will be completely natural if you’re ACTUALLY unavailable. The easiest way is to keep a strong balance between friends, work, self, and your bf. (I also encourage him to do the same and not just focus on me). He will respect you for it and you will be stronger as a couple. 😉
    Basically, I know things feel rough right now but in the big picture of things, if you value yourself and put your wants and needs first, then he will be more likely to value you too and become/stay attracted.
    A note on jealousy: if you become a UG during NC, stay one! You will notice you’re getting a lot of attention from other guys and that’s fine. What I do with this is I won’t tell my bf EVERY time someone hits on me because I don’t want him to start feeling insecure. But once in a while, I’ll throw it in a conversation like “oh yea that just reminded me babe, the other day at work this guy…”. I dnt go in trying to make him think I’ll leave him but if he knows that there’s other people who want you to he will 1) start feeling lucky because he has what other guys can’t get and 2) will keep chasing you so you don’t have a reason to leave him.
    So Amor, Chris, and team, again thank y’all so much for everything so far and I hope me giving updates will help me be as helpful to you as you were to me <3 🙂

    1. J

      October 24, 2016 at 6:21 pm

      Ps. We broke up out of nowhere too. So all hope isn’t lost

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 26, 2016 at 10:22 am

      Hi J,

      Thank you so much for sharing! I’m very glad the nc has help you grow continuously!!

  18. Arica

    October 20, 2016 at 12:20 am

    Hey guys!
    So, my boyfriend of three months just broke up with me out of nowhere and I am extremely upset! I know 3 months doesn’t seem long and typically I would never fall for someone this quickly, but we met on and honestly he seemed like the one. We had SO much in common it was actually a little scary. We both made it clear in the beginning that we were looking for something serious because we are both ready to settle down. I am 24 (mature for my age) and he is 29. I am in school getting my masters degree and he is a police officer. We have never had an argument. I met his family and all of his friends (most of which are married with children) and he has met mine. He met my mom just 2 weekends ago and seemed really excited about is and said how much he loved my family and how much his family likes me, everything seemed perfect! He actually told me numerous times “You know I’m going to marry you one day right,” “you make me so happy,” “I love you so much,” “I can’t wait until we start to live together,” “How did I get so lucky.” Things of that sort. He said the marriage thing a lot actually. Well it is midterm time and I started to get slammed with assignments so i have been pretty busy but still seeing and talking to him just as much, until this past weekend. On Saturday(10/15) I was supposed to go with him and his family to carter mountain and I had to cancel last minute because of the amount of homework I had to do. He said something along the lines of “Geez, you’ve been really busy recently!” and my response was “yeah, well this will be my life for the next 2 years” (that’s when i graduate) and he said “well i guess i can’t be mad because i pick up a lot of overtime, lol.” This conversation happened at the end of last week. Then, Saturday, on his way back from carter mountain he facetimed me and said “you would love it there! we have to go one weekend!” and we made plans for us to see each other this week. He said he wanted to do something special on Wednesday (today) because we hadn’t in a while. Last week was the first week i hadn’t seen him for a full week due to work and school. Then on Monday (10/17) he broke up with me, completely blindsided!!! He said “last thing i want to do is hurt you but i haven’t been feeling as strong about this relationship as i was and i don’t know what it is but i don’t feel in it 100% and its not fair to you, i was going to bring it up sooner but i didn’t know how and i know this is out of the blue but i just don’t know what to do”.” I responded by said “how is this possible when we were just making plans for all this stuff we were going to do? You told me you wanted to marry me and how much you loved me and as soon as i let you in you just throw it all in my face.” He said “i don’t know what else to say but I’ve been feeling this way for a while now” and that was pretty much the end of the conversation. But I just don’t understand. Just about a month ago he took me to this really fancy restaurant one night for dinner just to tell me that he was in love with me and that he WAS going to marry me. I had made some comment earlier that week about a wedding dress i saw on Facebook and he said that he would be standing across from me while i was wearing that wedding dress. And more recently he said this to me again. I’ve learned to take words as grain of salt so i never let them sink in but one night he was saying the marriage and love stuff and I just looked at him and said “really, do you mean it?” and he looked at me and said “of course i do! you shouldn’t have to ask me that! you know how much you mean to me!” and embraced me and we kissed. It felt like a really special moment to me! I just don’t understand what happened! It makes no sense. The ONLY thing i could think of was that he was scared i wouldn’t have enough time for him because of school. I want to ask him if this is why he broke up with me but I know I am supposed to do 30 days of no contact. How can I show him that I do have time for him?! I honestly could see myself marrying him. I love him! Please help!!

    1. Arica

      October 25, 2016 at 2:11 am

      Hi Amor,
      I understand, and that may be what he is thinking, however, he knew I was in school from the beginning and he never said anything negative about school until the week before we broke up. I started to get a lot of assignments and he said “geez, you have been really busy lately” but the conversation didn’t really go much further than that. I text him today for the first time since we broke up last week because I wanted to get the actual reason he broke up with me, since the school thing was just an assumption. I said “Hey, i’v been trying to figure out what happened between us. We hadn’t had an argument and you never said anything was bothering you so I thought we were happy. I know your mind is made up but can you tell me what made your feelings change? I’d rather talk in person but if you don’t want to I understand” and he never responded to the message!!!! I just want him to know that I do have time for him and the kind of relationship he is looking for, if that WAS why he broke up with me. Im just really upset that he didn’t respond to me at all! I was NOT expecting that!

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 26, 2016 at 1:46 pm

      well, let’s wait for now, if he answers that.. IF he doesn’t answer for a week, then that means it’s better to just start the count for the no contact rule.

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 21, 2016 at 6:16 pm

      Hi Arica,

      Yeah, it loks like he realized you’re still young and just starting out in life.. That doesnt mean you’re immature but that you’re in different stages in life.. You’re going to be busy for two years and of course it doesnt end in that,.you would be busy finding a job, and then adjusting to the new job.. What if you realized it was not the right one for you, which is ok but that also means you would search and adjust in the new one again..
      I know that’s too far ahead but I’m just stating what he might be thinking..

      The least you can do right now is to try the no contact rule and show through social media that you have other things going on in your life, not just school…

  19. Hailey

    October 17, 2016 at 10:35 pm

    An email response would be great! My ex blindsided me with our break up. Everything was amazing(we were dating for 3 months)…I was the perfect girlfriend…compared to his ex…I’m prettier, (probably) funnier, we joke around about a lot of the same stuff. In advertatly I ended up living with him for a month(I “lost” my keys(put them in a place I never normally would and thought I lost them) at his house. We both have separate places btw. So while staying there I cooked, and cleaned and did everything to make him happy and try to be less of a burden. I was falling in love(I know that sounds crazy after 3 months but I wouldn’t have this pit in my stomach that makes me puke every time I eat if I didn’t)…Now I’m a lazy ass person…I HATE cleaning, but I did those things for him because they were for him. I kissed him like no other ex boyfriend. I would give him back massages and blah blah. And I made him happy. He told me so…so this break up…blew me out of the water…I’m a fucking wreck. There’s this kind of numb feeling..idk how to explain it…anyways…here’s why he broke up with me: he and his ex were pretty heavy together… “I love you baby” and they were going to move in…until she cheated on him…that was in February(2016) we started dating in July(2016) he still has feelings for her and felt it’s not fair to me to be together with those feelings…he says in the future he hopes we can try again…is there any way to speed up his healing process so I can get him back faster? I’m heart broken.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 18, 2016 at 8:11 pm

      Hi Hailey,

      nope.. you cant control him but be thankful that he did that instead of using you as a rebound

  20. Grace

    October 16, 2016 at 8:15 pm

    Hi! So I am 18. So is my guy. We attend the same college and we had been dating for 2 years and 7 months. Then one night, I was jealous over him talking to a girl because me and him had had a miscommunication. Anyways, it spiraled out of control and the next thing I knew, he wanted to take a break for a week. 2 days later, he took me out on a really nice date and we had fun and laughed a lot and he apologized and everything seemed ok. Then 2 days later, he tells me that he is not in love with me anymore. He had said he wanted to give it a chance between us though because he really did want to be with me. 3 days later his best friend miscommunicated to me and made it sound like my guy was pursuing another girl. Both my guy and his best friend explained to me that this was not true, but my guy broke up with me. The next day, I went to go get my laptop from his house and he was all over me and was crying telling me that he made a mistake. It has been a little over a week since then and he says he doesn’t know what he wants. Yesterday morning I saw him and we shared many laughs and we seemed ok. That night we were at a party together and he told me he was having a really bad day and said he does not want to get back together. Then he took me home from the party because I could not drive and was very sweet and today he is still talking to me and making sure I feel ok. He also said he wants to talk to me tomorrow in person (he is busy today). I love him so much and I am realizing mistakes I made and I am actively trying to fix them. I just don’t understand what is going on because he can’t make up his mind. Please help.

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