How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back

This may make you upset, but it’s the truth. I can’t guarantee that you are going to get your ex boyfriend back, I just can’t. We are dealing with a male human being here and as much as I would love to be able to just make him get back with you I don’t have the mind control powers that so many others in this “how to get your ex boyfriend back” community seem to have.

Seriously though, if you see any book, product or article that guarantees that it can get you your ex back 100% of the time you should stop and realize that you are probably about to look at something that was made up just to get you to buy it or read it. Ironically, a lot of the stuff out there that makes these ridiculous claims offer no value and leave you feeling taken advantage of.

Here Is The Truth

It is impossible to guarantee that you can get a previous boyfriend back 100% of the time. However, it is possible to significantly raise your chances. The keyword there being SIGNIFICANTLY and before you get all argumentative I have seen the tactics outlined on this page work time and time again. It isn’t necessarily a fast process but there is proof out there to back up the claims being made.

But First..

Getting your ex back is going to be tough. This page, while amazingly detailed, won’t have every single step that you will need to successfully get him back. It is such a complicated process that even the 10,000 words on this page can’t cover everything you need to know. I have been running this site for quite some time and get an incredible amount of emails and comments every single day. Each person wants me to give them a detailed step by step plan that they can follow to get their ex back. The fact of the matter is that it is such a complex process that I really can’t give you everything you need in a post, email, comment or Facebook chat.

Don’t worry though, I saw this problem and spent two months creating that step by step plan people were clamoring for. It took me 20,000 words but I finally did it! I highly recommend you check it out if you get a chance. Click the link below!

Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO

What This Page Is About

relationship infographic

I am not going to lie to you. I put a lot of work into this page (1 full month to be exact.) I read relationship books, I took notes on speeches that dating experts gave, I bought online products, I listened my friends tell me stories about what they did to reunite with their exes and tested out some of the things I learned.

You are going to discover that this page is really long, in-depth but more importantly, it is going to help you to not only get your boyfriend back but to rediscover yourself in the process.

Here are some of the things that will be covered:

  • A Step by Step System To Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back
  • Helpful Tips To Get Him Running Back
  • The Best Way To Contact Your Ex
  • Building Up Your Personal Confidence
  • What To Do & What Not To Do
  • What To Do If He Cheated On You
  • How To Get Him Back If You Cheated On Him
  • What To Do If He Has A Girlfriend
  • How To Define Your Dating Goals

(Side Note: The system I have outlined on this page will work for teenagers in high school, married couples, people who haven’t seen each other in six months or two years and people who just got out of a long distance relationship. Basically, I am saying this system is universal!)

I thought the best way to go about the rest of this page would be to take an in-depth look at each step of the ex recovery process starting with your break up and what to do immediately after it.

The No Contact Rule

(If you want a more in-depth look at the No Contact Rule please visit this page.)

still thinking about your ex

Ok, before we do any soul searching or serious strategizing you are going to have to implement the no contact rule.

The No Contact Rule- No texting, talking or stalking your ex for a full month. That is 30 days of essentially cutting your man out of your life. Remember, don’t dig into his life and don’t Google + or Facebook him.

If you don’t believe in the no contact rule then all I can say to you is that you had better start believing in it. Remember above when I said I spent a lot of time researching this topic? Yea well, I only took a look at credible sources and every one and I mean EVERY SINGLE ONE recommends the no contact rule.

The no contact rule is done for two reasons.


Right after a break up is when you are at your emotional peak and I don’t mean a good emotional peak, I am talking about anger, hate, basically everything that Yoda from Star Wars said to avoid. The no contact rule is going to give you time to work on yourself and calm down a little bit so you can think more rationally instead of emotionally.


Your ex boyfriend is probably going to start wondering why you aren’t talking to him and possibly may even begin to miss you.


He will probably try to call or text you during this no contact period. It is important that you ignore him.
You may hear from mutual friends that he called you a bad name/s or you may get the feeling that he hates you or wants nothing to do with you. Don’t worry, he is emotional and doesn’t mean it. Besides, after 30 days he will change his tune.

Special Cases Where You Have To Contact During No Contact

There are certain special cases where it is pretty much impossible to “ignore” your ex without seeming like a jerk. Here are those specific cases and what you should do if you find yourself in them.

If you live with the person- Your goal is to be a respectful roommate. Make sure any interactions you do have with the person are short, pleasant and to the point. Make sure you are as positive as possible.

If you have kids together- The last thing you want is to come off like a jerk. So, if you are in this situation make sure you keep your interactions to a minimum. Keep things short, simple and positive.

Are you seeing a trend here?

What Caused The Breakup?

breakup cartoon

Knowing what caused your breakup is important because it can give you an idea of where your relationship went wrong and how you can possibly correct it in the future.

A Word On Men

(Disclaimer- these views reflect the average male. Not every single male acts according to these guidelines.)

Typically men don’t like to hurt your feelings. Thus, it is entirely possible that whatever reason they gave you for the breakup may not be completely true. I’ll admit that we men sometimes don’t even know why we want out of a relationship we just do.

However, I would say that the average man will leave a relationship when his is no longer getting what he needs. No I am not talking about sex here (although that can lead to problems for some men.) I am talking about admiration.

Men like to be admired for who they are. They love the newness of a relationship, want respect and like to see significant interest coming from females.

The best way I can describe this phenomenon would be like this:

You just started dating a new guy. You are in that honeymoon phase and everything is great. You are constantly complimenting him and giving him acknowledgment that he is wanted by you. Basically he loves hearing that you are interested in him. However, as time goes on things begin to change. You don’t compliment him as much because you don’t need to land him anymore. This is when the problems begin for him.

Another thing that you always hear guys saying is the fact that they are constantly nagged to death by their girlfriends.

Let me break this down for you…

Nagged To Death = A man looks at this as if his woman no longer is satisfied with what he has to offer or bring to the table. This doesn’t mean you can’t always express your feelings you just need to do a better job at mixing them in with love and admiration for him.

He Broke Up With You?

(For a more in-depth look at what your options are if HE broke up with you please visit this page.)

reasons for breakup infographic

Getting dumped sucks. I feel for you but don’t worry we are going to take a look at your breakup and figure out the best way to approach things. Again, I want to reiterate this point- don’t assume that the reason your ex gave you for the break up is really why they broke up with you. This may sound a bit mean but you are going to have to be completely honest with yourself and possibly look at things that may make you uncomfortable.

Here are some of the most common reasons for break ups:

Your ex boyfriend didn’t feel attracted to you anymore:

Ouch, I know this one must definitely sting to hear but it is a legitimate REAL reason for why he may have broken up with you. This is a common complaint among men who are dating someone who let themselves go a little bit in the relationship. You may have to put in some extra work here but trust me when I say that your physical appearance is easier to improve than your personality so don’t let his thoughts get to you.

You ex boyfriend was getting bored with you:

This is another legitimate reason for a breakup. Unfortunately, in my personal opinion it says more about of his lack of character (unless you were really boring but I doubt that) than anything you actually did. Luckily, seeming boring is quite easy to fix!

Your boyfriends emotional and sexual needs weren’t fulfilled by you:

A lot of times this can be happening but you won’t have any clue. Men aren’t the best communicators especially when it comes to breaking bad news. The last thing they want is to hurt you so they will just break up with you and give you some general reason. Luckily again this can be addressed!

Your ex boyfriend doesn’t know what he wants:

In this case it really is the classic line “it’s not you, it’s me.” This one can be a little harder to come back from but trust me it can be done if you are smart about how you approach the situation.


(If YOU cheated on your boyfriend then click this link for more information.)

(If HE cheated on you and you want him back click here for more information.)

One of the most popular questions I get around here is “how do I get my ex boyfriend back if I cheated on him/ if he cheated on me.” First things first, when it comes to cheating you need to understand one thing. Men and women cheat for very different reasons.

Men cheat because they are horny.

Women cheat because they aren’t feeling appreciated or other emotional reasons.

A lot of times what can happen is an ex can realize what they missed about you once they are settled in with their new person.

(If you were abused either physically or emotionally I recommend that you NEVER get back together with an ex.)

You Broke Up With Him?

(For a more in-depth look at what your options are if YOU broke up with him please visit this page.)

peak breakup times according to facebook

A huge misconception out there is that because you did the dumping it is a lot easier to get back with your ex. This is completely NOT TRUE. Trust me, your going to have to do a lot of work, perhaps more than the women who were dumped.

Here are some of the most common reasons why you may have broken up with your boyfriend:

You believed that the grass was greener and things could be better:

Everyone always thinks they could do better until they go out and realize that the relationship they had before wasn’t so bad.

You mistakenly believed that your ex boyfriend betrayed or cheated on you:

Ah so you had a sneaking suspicion but were proven wrong. This is bad for you for a couple of reasons. First off, your boyfriend surely will feel worried about incurring your wrath whenever they want to do something. Secondly, it makes your ex feel like you never trusted them. Luckily, you can work on this and prove to him that you are no longer the person who suspects him every time he goes out (without you.)

Your ex boyfriend cheated on you:

Honestly, this is tough for me to give advice on. You were faithful but he was not. I would say think very carefully if this person is worth getting in a relationship with again. Personally, cheating to me is a big no no and I don’t think I could forgive that so easily. But hey, that’s me.

You don’t feel attracted to him anymore:

They let themselves go huh? You were too familiar with them and it just got old or boring? Make sure that you are very serious about wanting to get back with this person before you keep reading.

There was a big fight and a break up occurred:

A while back I was dating someone and it always seemed that we would fight over the silliest things. Now, I like to think that I am generally a calm person but for whatever reason my girlfriend and I would always fight. So, I went to the most trusted of friends for advice, my dad. He explained to me that a relationship is like a bank account. Every time you have a good experience or something of that nature you are putting money into the account. However, every time you have an argument or a fight you are taking money out of the account. The key thing here is to have more green deposits than red withdrawals in your relationship bank account.

(If you were abused either physically or emotionally I recommend that you NEVER get back together with an ex.)

Defining Your Goal

One thing that needs to be made clear is that if you are going to seriously invest the time and effort to get your ex boyfriend back you are going to have to adopt a new mindset.

At one time you were dating this person. Maybe it was serious, maybe it was casual. Whatever the facts you need to accept that your old relationship is dead. Not only that but you want it to stay dead. A lot of times women make the mistake of picking up right where they left off whenever they do get their ex back.

Why in the world would they want that? Your old relationship had problems or failed right? So, the last thing you want to do is resume that doomed relationship.

The big goal that you should strive for is to create a relationship with your ex boyfriend that is not only new but better.

I am in to helping women who want a lasting relationship with their boyfriends. This may sound goofy but I like those women who so strongly believe that they are going to be together with their exes for good that they are willing to try anything.

To a casual observer that may sound really risky but personally I love women with that belief that after they get their boyfriend back they will be with him forever. Those are the type of women who work really hard to create that NEW and BETTER relationship.

So, the big take away that I want you to get from this section is that your ultimate goal assuming this process works for you is that you are discarding your old relationship and creating a new one that is stronger.

Having A Legitimate Reason For Getting Back Together

(For a more in-depth look at legitimate reasons for getting back together please visit this page.)

If you can’t already tell I truly do enjoy helping women strategize on how to get their ex boyfriends back. However, one thing that I have neglected to mention so far is that there are certain women (not you) that don’t have legitimate reasons for wanting to get back together with their boyfriends.

As a general rule it is good to have a legitimate reason for getting back together with your significant other. Here are some of the reasons that ARE NOT ACCEPTABLE.

  • Saying you will die without him.
  • That he’s your whole life.
  • You’ll never find someone better.
  • Your not happy alone.
  • It will be different next time.

Again, these reasons are not good enough to get back together. The fact of the matter is that you can be perfectly fine without this person if you are citing any of these.

Here are a few reasons that ARE ACCEPTABLE.

  • The breakup was a rash decision.
  • You had a huge fight that caused the breakup.
  • You were happy almost all of the time you were together.
  • Both of you want the same things out of a life together.

What To Do During The No Contact Period

what to do?

Just a heads up this is an extremely important section. Remember how you are going to implement the no contact rule for a month (30 days?) Yes, well you are not going to just sit on your butt and twiddle your thumbs during this time. No, you are going to work towards your goal of a new and better relationship by focusing on the one thing you can control, yourself!

Re-Reminder Of The No Contact Period Rules

  • No texting, calling, emailing, Facebooking or writing your ex boyfriend.
  • It is recommended that you don’t dig into your exes life at all.
  • If your ex calls, texts, emails or Facebooks you, you are not allowed to respond.
  • Don’t listen to anything your ex says about you (even if it is hurtful names.)
  • If you break your no contact period agreement (talking to him in any shape or form before the 30 days are up) then you have to start your 30 day no contact period over.

Things To Avoid During The No Contact Period

  • Sleeping all day because of how you feel.
  • Staying home and not going out.
  • Drinking too much (alcohol.)
  • Telling everyone you have ever known about the breakup.
  • Making big life decisions.
  • Calling in sick to work frequently.

Ok, so those are pretty much the most basic things of the big NO-NO’s of the no contact period. Now we get to the good stuff. Honestly, I am getting excited here because this is where you start taking the first steps of getting your ex boyfriend back. Granted, they are baby steps but they are still steps in the right direction.

Alright, so the biggest thing I want you to focus on for the no contact period is the fact that you are using this month to become the best version of yourself that you have ever been. There is a 100% chance, especially if you are ignoring him, that your ex is going to check up on you during this period and instead of sulking around feeling sorry for yourself he is going to see a strong, sexy, fun-having woman!

(Disclaimer: please don’t take offense ladies, some of the things I cover here are meant to help you not to criticize.)

Physical Changes

change your appearance

First things first, you are going to become the sexiest version of yourself that the world has ever seen. Let’s say you and I were dating and we had a fight and broke up (I know I am a horrible boyfriend ;) .) Anyways, after a month of you basically freezing me out (no contact) I happen to bump into you at a Starbucks or somewhere where we both frequented. The first thought I have of our encounter will be based on the choices that you made during the 30 day no contact period. If you sat around feeling sorry for yourself and ate ice cream on the couch all day I will probably think “she looks terrible.” However, if you spent that no contact time working on yourself physically and mentally I am probably going to think “WOW! She is even more beautiful than I remember.”

Where did I come up with this? Actually this really happened to me. I was dating a girl and after we broke up I happened to run into her at a Starbucks and even though we had a short friendly conversation I couldn’t take my eyes off of her because she just looked so gorgeous. She looked so good in fact that all I could think was “how in the hell did I let her get away?”

Physical Changes You Can Make:

You can change your hairstyle- I’ll admit, I am not a hairstyle guru but everywhere I researched claimed that this was an excellent tactic to looking good for your man so who am I to argue with the experts.

Get in shape- There is no argument that you can make to me to say that this isn’t a good idea. This is especially true if (no offense) you are a little overweight. However, even if you are a workout fanatic don’t let your breakup change that side of you.

Clean up your diet- Again, this is another great way to feel better about yourself and notice how it is the opposite of sitting around eating ice cream all day.

Update your wardrobe- I am giving you permission to go out and shop! You can thank me later when you are on your mans arm.

Clean up your smile- No, I don’t mean smile more even though you should do that. I am talking about literally looking at how you can get a better smile. If you have bad teeth then go to the dentist and see if you can get them cleaned.

Clean up any skin problems you have- If you have excessive acne or any unwanted moles you can get those taken care of. I know it may be uncomfortable to talk about but in this case you need to suck it up and get the proper treatment if you don’t want them.

(I am not recommending plastic surgery or anything of that nature.)

Mental Changes

best activites during no contact

So, now that you know what changes you need to make physically lets talk about arguably the harder thing to improve, your mental state. One of the biggest assets about the no contact period is that it gives you time to calm down a bit from the mental tension that was your breakup. This section is going to be all about how to get through your breakup and heal emotionally. However, in order for that to happen you need to take a few actions first.

Mental Changes You Can Make:

Focus on work- It is good to distract your mind for a while and what better way to do that than with work. Careful though, you don’t want to be one of those career first women and lose sight of your goal. Remember, focusing on work in this particular case should be used to take your mind of your ex boyfriend.

Renew a hobby- I don’t have to explain this one do I? Ok, basically if there was anything fun that you used to do (tennis, golf, puzzles, collecting, hiking, photography, music) renew it.

Write in a journal- Sometimes your mind is constantly racing with thoughts about your ex boyfriend and since you can’t talk to him for 30 days it might be a good idea to jot your thoughts down in a journal.

Have fun- If your friends invite you out to a party or club I would recommend that you go out and have fun with them. Honestly time is the number one thing that can help you get over a break up but the second best thing is definitely having fun.

Reconnect with friends- Friends are great. You can talk to them about your problems and they will listen. You can rely on them in the bad times to pick you up. Careful though, don’t let them talk you into calling him before the no contact period is up.

How Other People Can Help You Get Your Ex Back

I thought this deserved it’s own section because there is a lot to talk about here. During your no contact period I recommend that you go on a date…. with someone new! Yes, I am saying to go on a date with someone who isn’t your ex. I know you may be a bit hesitant but trust me it’s a smart idea. Here are a few reasons why.

It shows you are moving on- In a strange way you kind of want your ex to know that you are on a date with someone. You appear self-assured and strong which are very attractive qualities.

It can build up your self confidence- Dating other people helps you feel a little bit more confident. Knowing that someone finds you attractive is always a great feeling. Not to mention the person you may be on the date with might be extremely fun.

It will help keep your mind off your ex (probably)- When you are busy you have less time to mope around or think about your ex. Instead of being completely miserable and depressed you are doing something constructive and dare I say having a bit of fun?

It will cure any phobias you may have developed- Women who haven’t been in a relationship for a long time may feel a little worried about meeting someone new. Don’t worry at all. Just focus on having fun with someone and making new friendships.

My Ex Boyfriend Is Dating Someone Else

(If you want an in-depth look at what to do if your ex boyfriend is dating someone else visit this page.)


This is yet another one of those very popular questions I get: “Chris, how do I get my ex boyfriend back if he has a new girlfriend?”

If you find yourself in this unfortunate situation I have two words for you.

Be Cool.

Studies have shown that 90% of rebound relationships don’t work out in the long run so the odds are probably in your favor. There is no reason to start harassing him or the girl he is dating. Under no circumstances will you contact him. In fact, DO NOT CONTACT HIM OR HER. The further away from the breakup your ex gets the more nostalgic he will become about your relationship. This means he will forget the bad times and remember the good times.

So, be glad because it may be a blessing in disguise.

If you are still not convinced then all I can say to you is this. The tactics you will learn on this page are probably going to make you more attractive than the girl he is dating so just…

Be Cool.

One Last Word

You may notice that a lot of what you are doing during the no contact period is working on bettering yourself. I am not saying it’s going to be easy but doing what I recommended above will really help to heal you. Oh, and you may realize after some time that you don’t really want to get back with your ex (stranger things have happened.)

Your Means Of Contact

(If you want a more in-depth look at the ways to contact your ex please visit this page.)

(If you want more information on the strategies behind texting please click this link.)

funny text message

Wow that was a lot huh? I mean, we haven’t even started contacting our exes yet have we? Well, right now is when we begin that step. Are you excited? Alright, there is a lot of debate about this step. Every expert (myself included) seems to have a different opinion on the method you should use for contacting an ex. Some recommend writing a get your boyfriend back letter, some say you should give them a call and some even say you should text. So, what is the best method?

Well, the truth is that there is no best method. Every single relationship is different and will require different methods. Some people prefer calling while some prefer letters. Personally I prefer texting. So, from this point on I am just going to be focusing on that method and the best practices using it. But first….

Why I Prefer Texting

As stated above, I personally prefer texting over any method of contact for a number of reasons. If you are a little hesitant to text then I am hoping this section can sway you. Lets look at each method individually starting with..

The Phone

Actually, in my research I found that a lot of experts recommend calling (after the no contact period.) I have read multiple stories of women who have actually had some success with this method. However, I don’t like the phone for a lot of reasons. First off, it doesn’t give you time to think. The second your ex boyfriend picks up (if he even picks up) you have to be on your toes and there is a lot that can go wrong. Not to mention he still may be a little resentful about the break up.

Writing A Letter

I don’t know about you but if I got a letter out of the blue from an ex girlfriend I might be a little creeped out. The last thing you want to be is perceived as creepy or stalkerish and writing a letter the wrong way can definitely hurt you.


Honestly, it is hard to think of any disadvantages when using text messages. Texts are sacred, meaning that people rarely share them with anyone. Basically texting is super intimate. You can share cute pictures and do all sorts of really fun things. Not to mention it is impossible to raise your voice over a text message. However, I would say the biggest advantage to text messaging would be the fact that you can take your time and think everything through. This is something that calling on the phone won’t allow you.

The Game Plan

Before you plot to get your boyfriend back you are going to need a plan right? Well, it just so happens I have come up with the ultimate game plan for getting your ex back. I present to you “The Game Plan” a number of cool psychological tricks that, if implemented correctly, will give you the best chance to get your ex boyfriend back.

The Game Plan

A lot of the plan outlined above may not make sense to you right away. In fact, I would be shocked if it did. Don’t worry though because I am going to go through every single step in a very-in depth manner.

However, before we hit the ground running I feel it is important to mention a few things. The game plan outlined above is not set in stone. Every single relationship is unique and may require unique steps that I haven’t outlined. Knowing what to do can sometimes depend on your gut. So, if your gut is telling you that a particular tactic I have outlined won’t work for you I would definitely trust it. The main takeaway here is that you are going to have to get creative and sometimes even skip entire skips depending on how fast you are moving.

Important Things To Know Before You Contact Your Ex

Before you contact your ex there are certain rules you are going to have to abide by. These rules will definitely give you the best shot at winning him back. Lets take a look:

1. Controlling the conversation is key that means that you should always be the one who brings the conversation to a close, YOU WANT TO BE IN CONTROL.
2. Typically you want your ex to only think about the most positive experiences during your relationship.
3. You will need to get in touch with what you and your ex once had. What made you a successful couple? I recommend taking out a pen and paper and brainstorming.
4. You also have to know what he disliked about your relationships.
5. You have to know his likes and dislikes. (you can’t start talking about a band he hated and expect it to go well.)
6. Don’t expect him to be receptive of your messages right off the bat, it may take a while.
7. As a general rule the faster things move the worse off you are, TAKE THINGS SLOW.
8. DO NOT SPAM YOUR EX WITH TEXTS… if he doesn’t respond to your first one just wait a couple of days and try again.
9. You can’t come off as needy.
10. Be very patient.

First Contact Text Message 

first contact

First impressions are everything. You need to remember that. How you approach this first contact message is almost as important as the text messages later in this process. Why? Because, if you screw this part up you can kiss your chances of getting your boyfriend back goodbye. No pressure though.

Your main goal in this section is to just open up communication. Remember though, you want to be in control at all times. That means that YOU have to be the one to end the conversation. To make matters more complicated you can’t get into a full blown conversation with him yet. This is simply a small baby step that you are using to test the waters and gauge where you are at.

Big No-No’s

  • This message is not about rekindling the sexual flames (NOT A BOOTY CALL)
  • You can’t get angry or upset.
  • You can’t expect anything (manage your expectations.)
  • This is not meant to be a cure all text that repairs the relationship.
  • Do not ask to meet up with your ex.
  • Don’t make your ex think too much.

The First Contact Rules

  • You have to be positive
  • You have to be confident
  • Again, don’t expect anything.
  • NO ONE WORD TEXTS (each message has to have a point.)
  • The messages can’t be too long.
  • You should try to create a message that is so interesting it is impossible for your ex boyfriend not to respond.

BAD Examples Of First Contact Texts

One Word Texts-



“What’s Up”


You get the gist here I hope.

GOOD Examples Of First Contact Texts

For a couple who both love Harry Potter.

first contact 1

For a couple who both loved eating out.

first contact 2

What To Do If You Get A Positive Response

Using the Harry Potter Example Above:

good example of a text first contact

A few things you should take note of. The conversation was friendly, short and ended on a good note. This is what you definitely should aim for. Your ex should be thinking about the text for days!

Since things went positively you can contact them again in a few days and talk for a little bit longer. However, the conversation can’t be too much longer and YOU have to end it first.

What To Do If You Get A Neutral Response

Neutral responses are typically the one word responses that I hate so much:


Here is how you should handle a neutral reaction

neutral first contact text

Basically it is the same type of a response as a positive one. You end the conversation first, blah blah blah.

What To Do If You Get A Negative Response

Negative responses do not feel good at all. It really sucks and can feel like the end of the world especially if you put a lot of work into getting your ex boyfriend back. Your best bet in these situations is to simply not respond at all and understand that your ex is still processing their emotions. It doesn’t necessarily mean that all hope is lost it just means you may need to be more patient and try again in a week or so.

Remembering The Good Times

Alright, assuming you successfully engaged your ex boyfriend and got a decent response you can move on to this section. I’ll admit that you will have a distinct advantage here if you had a long relationship and made a lot of great memories. If your relationship was brief then this part of engaging your ex may be a little bit more challenging. However, that doesn’t mean anything bad it just means you might have to get more creative.

First things first, this is not the part where you are going to try to get your ex boyfriend back. So, many of the same rules that I talked about above apply here.

Big No-No’s

  • This text is not intended to be a “booty call.”
  • You can’t get angry or upset.
  • You can’t expect anything (manage your expectations.)
  • This is not meant to cure your entire relationship.
  • Do not ask to meet up with your ex.

The main thing you are trying to do with “remembering the good times” is to get them to think about the most positive aspects of your previous relationship. This means that you are going to have to be as positive as you possibly can.

Think of it this way, if you do this set of messages correctly then you have a good chance of getting your ex to feel the same feelings you are feeling and they will start to remember how great your times together were.

What To Say

When you write your text message to him you are going to have to go into details instead of just writing something general. Let’s take a look at a few simple phrases to further explore this point:

Alright, lets say that I was trying to get an ex girlfriend back and I had made it this far into the step by step process I am outlining here. I took out a sheet of paper and wrote down what I thought our best couple experiences were together. For the sake of this page lets say that me and my ex had an experience where we were watching a football game outdoors and it was really cold. She was getting very cold so I offered her my jacket.

Now, what do you think would be better to write:

Choice 1: “Hey do you remember when I let you borrow my jacket at the football game?”


Choice 2: “Do you remember the night where I loaned you my jacket at the football game? I was freezing in my little t-shirt but you held my hand the entire time. I liked that quality about you.”

If you said Choice 2 then you would be correct.

The more details you can give the better you will do. Remember, this has to be an experience that your ex enjoyed as well as you. Lets look at some examples.

GOOD Examples Of Remembering The Good Times

Example of Fun Experience:

good example 1

Example of Bonding Experience

good example 2

Sometimes asking your ex a question can work well to get them to remember a good experience. (Remember your question has to be aimed at getting them to feel something positive.)

good example 3

What To Do If You Get A Positive/Neutral Response

More often than not if you have gotten this far in your conquest to get them back they are going to respond back positively. Except this time you are going to engage them in a conversation but make sure that you don’t go too fast. Remember, you still have to be the one to end the conversation first. Lets look at how a conversation like this might play out using an example from above:

remembering the good times text

What To Do If You Get NO Response

Ok, so you sent out your text to remind them of the good ole days where the two of you were as thick as thieves but they haven’t responded yet. First off, it isn’t the end of the world. Sometimes people get busy and don’t have time to respond right away. Waite a few days before you jump to any conclusions.

If you haven’t heard anything from them yet and it has been past a couple of days then this could mean a couple of things. They are either extremely excited by the prospect of moving forward with things and they can sense that you are trying to move things along but this also makes them extremely nervous.

They could be scared by you progressing things along.

Whatever the case is just simply take things down a notch and start a few more harmless text messages where you just make first contact.

What To Do If You Get A Negative Response

You have spent a month not contacting your ex. You spent that entire time working on yourself becoming more and more confident as the days past. Everything seemed to be going fine until you hit your first road block with a negative response. Make no mistake about it, negative responses are never good. However, they don’t EVER mean that you should give up right away. It just means you have to be smarter about how you approach things. Lets take a look at a negative response example (from my past) this is a true story.

negative remembering the good times response

Ouch! That definitely hurts. Nevertheless, if you get a response like this you just have to be polite, positive and collected. Remember, you are the one that has to be in control. You may have made one of the following mistakes:

A. You may have selected the wrong thing to remind him of. This isn’t horrible just give it some more time before you contact him again.

B. What you said to your ex made him uneasy…. Interesting. This just means you misread the situation and you moved a little to fast to start bringing up your relationship.

C. Maybe you caught your ex during the wrong day and you caught him at a bad time. Either way just give him some time to get his head together.

How To Use Jealousy To Your Advantage

This section is going to be controversial. That is a certainty. Some of you may not agree with this but everywhere I researched said that using your ex boyfriends jealousy to your advantage is one of the most powerful things you can do.

First, I think it is important to understand how jealousy can work to your advantage. Since I am a male I feel I can explain my genders feelings towards this particular topic. In my opinion I think it is ok to get jealous. However, I don’t think it is ok to get overly jealous. If your ex boyfriend would get jealous every time you would talk to another man or every time you went out then I would say you should really revisit your thinking on getting back together with him. Nevertheless, I want to tell you an interesting story about jealousy.

I have a friend (who wants to remain unnamed.) He ended up breaking up with his girlfriend of 5 months for some silly reason (I honestly never understood it.) Anyways, three months after their breakup she started dating a new guy. Immediately my friend called me up and wanted her back. He didn’t realize what he had until he saw her with another guy.

This is the power of jealousy. Now, I am NOT recommending that you go out and date someone new. I am recommending that you drop certain hints in your communication with your ex boyfriend that you are out meeting new people. The key to this is that YOU CAN’T BE OBVIOUS. Do you think you will get very far if you rub the fact that you are out and about with other guys? The answer is no. There is a subtle art to incorporating jealousy texts into your conversations and I am going to teach you that art.

The Rules

  • You have to be really careful because if this is done wrong then your chances of getting your ex boyfriend back drop drastically.
  • Gauge the situation and decide when the time is right.
  • You have to be discreet (If you say “So, I was with this really hot guy last night and he said….” your chances are pretty much done.)

The Art Of Using Jealousy

(Disclaimer: These only work if you actually do the things you are talking about. So, don’t make any situations up. How will it look if he goes to verify and finds out your lying about being out and about with another guy?)

Ok, the first tactic is from my own experience. I don’t have any research to back it up but I feel it will work because it worked on me. One thing that always made me a bit jealous (even though I never voice it) was when a girl I felt really strongly about has a bunch of pictures with a bunch of different guys on her Facebook profile. I know that sounds ridiculous but it legitimately made me like “Damn, that guy got to be in her presence.” Here is the key though, if I felt strongly about a girl (who was single) and I saw a bunch of pictures of her getting totally drunk and making out with a bunch of guys I will no longer feel strongly about her. In fact, I might lose interest entirely. So, I would say that your best bet would be to post innocent pictures with other guys. The key is to be really subtle about it but trust me if your man has a Facebook I promise you he will check your profile from time to time.

Don’t believe me?

I still check my ex girlfriends profile from high school. He is going to check yours so you better be prepared.

Using Jealousy In Text Messages

Getting your guy jealous through a text message is quite easy.

Notice how I didn’t specify if this friend was a male or female. You just planted a seed of doubt in your ex boyfriends head and now he is going to wonder if you saw a romantic movie with a friend or with a date.

romantic movie text

Another popular way to get someone jealous is with the “hey did I see you at” type message. One of my good friends came up with this and I have to say it works extremely well.

jealousy (did I see you at)

Your ex boyfriend is thinking “I wasn’t at Sherlocks last night.” This is perfect because now he is going to read between the lines and see that you were checking out another guy that wasn’t him. Also in a way you are complimenting him. Jealousy text messages are interesting aren’t they?

The Heart To Heart Conversations

Alright, lets take a step back and look at how the game plan is progressing thus far.

Step 1- You sent a first contact text (got a positive/neutral response and kept the conversation short.)

Step 2- You finally started a real conversation with the “remembering the good times text message” (again the conversation was controlled by you.)

Step 3- You implemented a little bit of jealousy (You kept it subtle and got him thinking about you again as a potential relationship partner.)

Well, now you are going to implement a number of small heart to heart chats in various different ways that are going to change your fortune in a positive way.

Important Things To Remember

  • Don’t fall in the booty call trap.
  • You can’t get angry or upset.
  • You can’t expect anything (manage your expectations.)
  • Don’t try to fix everything at once.
  • Do not ask to meet up with your ex.
  • You have to remain positive.

IMPORTANT NOTE: You have to try these tactics in order (if possible) before you can move on to the “Taking THE Risk” section.

Tactic 1- Reminder Reminder

One of the little things I always love about relationships that are going well is how you are constantly helping each other remember things. This tactic is no different and can definitely earn you some huge brownie points if you remind him about something he forgot. Lets look at a few examples.

(Ex who watches the same T.V. show that you do)

reminder message

(Ex who has a family members birthday coming up)

reminder message 2

Tactic 2- Showing Your Support

This tactic may be a little harder to implement because it can sometimes depend on the situation that your ex is currently in. Basically you are going to bring up a stressful event very gently and show that you are going to be supportive no matter what with NO STRINGS ATTACHED. This has to be completely genuine otherwise you are better off not saying anything at all.

(Ex with family who just died.)

grandmother text

(Ex preparing for a test or exam.)

test text

(Ex who gets injured)

heal up

Tactic 3- Complimenting Your Ex Boyfriend

This tactic is a little like flirting. The key to compliments are to work them in during your conversation over text. Knowing when to slip them in will depend on your gut feeling and the context of the conversation you are having. Here is a good example of a great compliment:

compliment 1

I know it may sound a little goofy but trust me this goofy stuff works. How do I know? Let’s put it this way. I still remember TO THIS DAY when a girl who sat in front of me in my high school class turned around and said “you have beautiful eyes.”

Compliments work!

Tactic 4- Value Your Ex

Tactic 4 is very similar to tactic 3. Except this time instead of slipping in a compliment during a conversation you are going to slip in something that you have always appreciated about your ex. Here is a great example of an appreciation text:

Your best bet here is to take out a sheet of paper and write down all of the things that you have ever appreciated about your ex so you have an inventory to dive in. Oh, and don’t write down just general things. Be as specific as possible.

Tactic 5- I Miss This

I don’t need to explain this one do I? Ok, basically this is a tactic where you tell your ex boyfriend what you miss about your relationship. Be careful though because these messages need to be worded properly or your screwed.

value your ex

It is essential that you talk about experiences that your ex enjoyed. A lot of people screw up because they only talk about stuff that they miss. Make sure you are talking about stuff that your ex misses as well. Here is a good example of how this should be done.

i miss you text

Notice how the text above was super specific and brings up good memories for both parties. That is what you are aiming for.

Taking THE Risk


Wow I can’t believe how much I have written. I just checked and this is getting close to 10,000 words. Ok, we are very close to the end here. This section is all about taking a big risk. More specifically, setting up a date with your ex boyfriend for the first time since your break up. All the experts have a different view of how this should be done. The truth of the matter is that if you played pretty close to the game plan I laid out for you, your ex boyfriend will probably have suggested to meet up IN PERSON by now. However, if he didn’t don’t worry, I have a plan for you!

(Disclaimer: Only implement THE Risk plan outlined below if he hasn’t suggested to meet up and you sense that you two are wanting to get close to a physical connection.)

It’s time to take the kids gloves off ladies! NO MORE TEXTING! At least for this part.

The Plan

You are going to call him with the intention of only going out for a small get together. The key here is to be non threatening. Your ex boyfriend might not be as receptive to meeting you somewhere extravagant and out of his way.

Examples of good places for a meet up: lunch, coffee, etc (lunch is better than dinner.)

Guidelines For The Call

The phone call needs to seem innocent
Plan your phone call when you know that your ex boyfriend will have a moment to talk privately.
You want the phone call to be very pleasant, positive and short.
DO NOT bring up any bad memories from the past.
Don’t act desperate.
Manage your expectations.
Don’t leave a voice mail if he lets his phone go to it.

Two Ways To Make The Call

I researched a lot on this section and discovered there are two types of very different methods to making this important phone call. The first method is the “I was in the neighborhood” and the second is the “week in advance.” I don’t have any bias towards either method so I leave the choice on which one to use entirely up to you.

Tactic 1- I Was In The Neighborhood…

This one is risky and may not get you a yes to a meet up but it allows you the ability to try again later whereas the method below this one pretty much lays your cards on the table. Ok, the way this works is simple:

You: Hey Jake, I was in the neighborhood and I thought it might be fun to catch up. Would you like to meet at Starbucks?

Again, this is risky since there is a higher chance of him saying no. However, if you two were really making a lot of progress via texting and you really think he is feeling the same way you are about your current relationship then the “I was in the neighborhood method” may do the trick for you. The obvious advantage is that you get an instant date/meet up!

Tactic 2- Week In Advance

The week in advance method is just like it sounds. You call him a week in advance and ask him out. The obvious advantage to this is that he has time to clear his schedule and make time for you ;). The obvious disadvantage is that you are laying a lot of your cards on the table and rejection will certainly hurt your feelings. Speaking of rejection…

What To Do If He Says No

Don’t panic. He will probably say something like

“Uhh…. I don’t know.”

If so…

Just chuckle and nonchalantly say “It’s only coffee” or “come on it’s only lunch” usually that “umm I don’t know” will turn into an “okay”

If he still says no then don’t panic. Even if you are tempted to

Get Angry
Rehash arguments
Fly Off The Handle

Gracefully accept his no, say goodbye and end the conversation on good terms. This will leave the door open for more communication.

The Meet Up

the meet up

Yes, there are certain rules even for your mini date/meet up or whatever you want to call it. As stated above, you want to keep this meet up as casual as possible. Don’t plan to meet over a nice dinner. I suggest getting coffee at Starbucks with chairs and couches where the two of you can just sit and talk. Another great idea would be to meet up at a park and go for a walk together. Honestly, the dates I have enjoyed the most wasn’t anything super romantic it was just when I was enjoying the company of someone else and walking around.

Some experts recommend that you go out for a beer or something like that. Personally I am not against that I would just recommend not to drink too much. The last thing you want is to creep your ex boyfriend out by confessing your undying love. The key is to just do something that the two of you will both enjoy where you can have fun and talk.

Avoid being too romantic. Just have open and honest communication. Hopefully at the end of the meet up your ex boyfriend will want to see you again. If so, YOUR IN!

What To Do After The Date

Ok, I just added this section in from my own personal experiences from dating girls. One of the things I enjoy most is when they are the ones to text me first afterwards. I love it when they text me something like:

“Today was really fun.”

Women who do that are always off to a great start in my book. Good luck!

Learn How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back
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5,437 Responses to How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back
  1. Jess
    March 29, 2015 | 2:13 pm

    So my ex and I broke up at the end of January we were together for almost a year. After a series of unfortunate events, I lost my cousin to cancer in November he lost his uncle and friend in December. My ex started to become distant. He became more worried about money and future and everything between us went downhill from there. We have had little to no contact since then. Two weeks after we broke up we were supposed to take a trip together one that was planned and payed for by me and he decided that it was best to not go. Leaving me out a lot of money and a trip to take alone. I can forgive most of this. I’m just wondering with him completly ignoring me and not even trying to have any contact with me worth putting myself out there for him or should I just walk away? He doesn’t seem interested anymore.

    • admin
      March 29, 2015 | 3:17 pm

      Well, either way i am happy to help.

      My theory is you give it your all first and then if you decide to move on I can show you the path to doing that.

  2. C
    March 29, 2015 | 3:03 am

    (Starting a new comment so this doesn’t get lost in the crowd)

    About to close out day 10 of NC. 20 more to go. It’s weird cause in some ways it’s easy, and in some ways it’s hard. I keep thinking of everything that has lead up to our demisr and it makes me run through the gambit of emotions, questions, and what I REALLY want come the time. I still miss everything about him, I always loved him and all his faults. But then I’m reminded of how he said he’s been unhappy despite not showing it otherwise, that he can’t trust my word (even though I never did anything to warrant that necessarily…or I guess he should have explained what he meant specifically), how I’ve been ignoring him (again, odd accusation since I talked to him practically everyday), and it makes me mad and scared.

    But then I remember how things in his life as of lately have been messed up: his job (cut hours AND put on probation), family issues, him kicking his roommate out, financial struggles. He even recently said he’s starting to feel “depressed” about himself. Just feels like I was the last piece he’s pushing out of his life and there’s not much I can do. Up until then, he said he can relax around me and basically can escape from his problems, that I was the only person who was drama-free and brought him peace. When he found out he was getting some time off work, he gave me the biggest hug. He was so happy. Then the following week is when everything went sideways.

    He says he’s tired of being alone (he wants to live together, but never seems invested in participating in the process no matter what I say), yet it seems like he’s doing everything to be just that. He hasn’t tried to contact me but he is a stubborn (and somewhat clueless) man, so I’m not surprised. And actually because he said I haven’t been calling him enough, that’s even more of a reason for him not to do so. Although he did say to call him in two months and “maybe” we can talk. That statement is seriously going to loom over me until we talk again cause I don’t know how to honestly take that coming from him. Especially right now.

    I’m still functioning, I do have a number of things keeping me occupied (by coincidence actually lol). But I’d be lying if I said I’m not still royally confused. I feel a piece of myself is missing. I do think about the many ways I messed up from a guy’s perspective (now that I’ve found this site!) and if I get the chance, I will show him I am trustworthy. I do hope, however, he also understand he’s not without his faults and maybe cut me some slack instead of hurling all the bad onto me (which I never would do, nor ever DID, to him). And no, when I talk to him, I’m not gonna berate him cause we’d end up back to how this started. I just hope somewhere in him he realizes that I’ve always been his number one fan. I’d never betray him. That focusing on the bad isn’t going to get anywhere. He doesn’t have to love/want me if that’s truly in his heart, but we have to move forward either way (and he’s bad at holding on to the negative. Or he never deals with it like it doesn’t affect him).

    Oh and as an added bonus: during our break up talk, he said something to the effect of “I don’t want us to wait too long before it’s too late to be with other people!” Now Chris…he’s 34 and I’ll be 32 at the end of the year. As upset as I was, I dang near pissed myself laughing (to myself) when he said that cause that was SOOOO overly dramatic that it seemed unreal that that was what he truly wanted to say lol. He was on a roll and that just fell out of his mouth. I’ve been dumped a number of times and I have to say that’s the funniest line I’ve heard thus far!!!

    • admin
      March 29, 2015 | 2:10 pm


      That breakup reasoning makes no sense from him.

      I wouldn’t say its a funny line its a stupid one.

  3. kayle
    March 28, 2015 | 3:15 pm

    me and my ex were so happy together, I could never imagine him breaking up with me. he did all the cute things girls want boys to do. he would surprise me with flowers and balloons and take me to the movies when I had a bad day. he always told me how much he loved me. a few months later I had to move a few states away, but only for three months. before I moved he always talked about how scared he was that I was going to leave him and he begged me not to find someone els and that he will always love me. after a month of moving away we got into a fight and we broke up, he said it was only so he can focus on school, I was okay with that. then I find out he’s talkinh to another girl and kissing her and telling her how beautiful she is and it broke my heart. he had to choose between me and her. during that time he would always text me how he screwed up and he wants me back because what we had was so perfect, but he wouldn’t take me back? instead he chose her. and that’s where I am today. I haven’t texted him all day bc im starting the no contact rule and he keeps texting me “I know you don’t like me but I want to say good morning Kayle” or “hey how are you doing?” do I just keep ignoring him? I know I need to get myself together because I haven’t been able to eat for a week but idk how to get myself back on track bc I have no friends down here or nothing to do bc I just moved away from all my friends.

  4. Monica
    March 27, 2015 | 11:08 pm

    My boyfriend and I had been dating for 2 1/2 years. Basically out of the blue, he broke up with me. I think it was because I was overly jealous. We’ve been broken up for about a month now and then he tried to contact me, we hung out twice and he told me he wanted to work on getting back together, then I heard that he had been hanging out with two other girls, exclusively from another friend. I confronted him and he freaked out on me and we got into a huge fight which basically ended in us telling each other we hated each other. Would I still be able to take these steps in order to get him back? Or are we too broken? I know I still love him and I regret telling him I hate him but I’m too scared to text him and apologize even thought I know I was in the wrong. I feel like it’s too late andi don’t know what to do. Please help.

    • admin
      March 29, 2015 | 2:34 pm

      Yes you still can!

  5. Ro
    March 27, 2015 | 3:01 am

    I’m actually quite scared of the whole No-Contact rule, but only for one reason. This is because he told me that he’d be happy for me If I found someone else, or if I’ve moved on (In this case I’d be pretending to move on to not seem like an obsessed crazy ex). He just simply doesn’t think we’re right for each other but I felt everything with him, and I knew he did too. I just feel like he’s the right one. But there’s no possible way of making him jealous, or at least I don’t think.. What do I do if he’s completely forgotten me and is uninterested in me by the time I’ve changed and completed the No-Contact rule?

    • admin
      March 29, 2015 | 3:02 pm

      Its a bit of a rarity for that to happen.

      Also, there are subtle ways to remind him of you during NC.

  6. Jessica
    March 26, 2015 | 11:44 pm

    So I have dated this guy for about 2 months and he called me two days ago and said that it’s over and I asked why because just a little less then a week ago he took me to meet his grandma and we had the best time. During the time we were staying at his grandmas for a couple days he told me that I was the only girl for him and that no one will ever replace me, also that he thinks that we will be together forever and told me how much he loved me. He also took me to meet his parents about two weeks before this. He told me after I asked why he is breaking up with me, that he realized that I’m not the one for him and that apparently our conversations always lead to talking about sex, which yes some of them did but not all of them. I was so shocked when he told me this that I couldn’t get any words out so he said well I’m gonna hang up now and I managed to get out ok while crying a little and he said ok well bye he sounded a little sad while saying that. I haven’t texted him ever since that phone call but it’s definitely hard. We both have Facebook and are still friends on there and he hasn’t taken the relationship status that is on there about us being in a relationship and the picture that he took of me while at his grandmas that he posted on there is still on there so I’m sure that’s a good thing? I changed my profile picture to a different and better picture of me and I noticed that right after I did he changed his also so I’m guessing he is checking my profile? I would love some advice on how to get him back because I care about him a lot and love him so much.

    • Jessica
      March 27, 2015 | 12:52 am

      I just seen on the dating site that we meet off of that he changed his picture on there too so I don’t know if that means that he is already moving on or if he is just trying to make me jealous or something ? But now it’s even harder to not text him or try and ask if we can just start over. I’m feeling more hurt now then ever. I just want us back :( everything was going really good and I don’t know what made him think that he doesn’t want to be together anymore.

      • Jessica
        March 27, 2015 | 1:08 am

        Sorry I also forgot to add that just two days before he broke up with me we had agreed on me moving in with him and getting a job there. He said that he would be so excited for me to live with him so I’m confused about what happened in just them two days.

  7. Jesse
    March 23, 2015 | 9:15 pm

    Hi Chris
    My ex of 4 months broke up with me cause I texted him too much cause he wouldn’t answer me after not seeing each other for 3 weeks. His excuse is that he works 2 jobs.i got mad and told him i was done. The next day I tried calling him. And he texted me. Never text or call him again. I told him I was sorry. So I left him alone for a week. I texted him he answered. He said that he misses me but I’m too much all over him and he can’t handle that. And if I wanted to hook up and have a good time but that’s it cause he can’t be in a relationship with me.
    Does this mean he never wanted a relationship. Or can I fix things?

    • admin
      March 25, 2015 | 7:51 pm

      You may have come on too strong.

      Do you think there was truth to his statement about you being too much all over him.

  8. C
    March 22, 2015 | 6:47 pm

    My boyfriend just recently broke up with me after years of dating. Things were relatively Ok, but for the past three weeks or so, he’d been acting kind of snippy and oddly sarcastic (I say “oddly” because we’re both kind of sarcastic people. It was just different, like bitter sarcasm). Now…in these past three weeks, a few changes had been going on, the biggest ones being his hours were severely cut at his job AND he was put on temporary probation within the week. Needless to say, I could definitely understand why he wasn’t happy, but he didn’t initially direct it toward me. When we were together physically–like, in the same room, nothing seemed wrong between us. But on the phone, that’s where that odd sarcasm kicked in to the point I snapped back.

    A few days ago is when the break up happened. And although the reasons weren’t a surprise to me, they seemed somewhat out of left field (he said I hadn’t been calling him enough lately. Which was true. BUT I also had laryngitis for like four months, and he knew I did. Also…and this is a big one…he’s been wanting to live together. As do I. But he kept putting everything on me, whereas I was saying this should be a joint venture, if that makes sense.) Anyways, there was arguing on both sides, but it actually wasn’t really heated. In a way, we were agreeing but playing tug-o-war. Even I can admit it was weird lol. So because it wasn’t heated, I guess it was fairly amicable. However…

    I did tell him I didn’t want it to end. I was very upfront about my feelings for him, going so far as to calmly begging for another chance (seriously, this wasn’t the archetypical argument/ break up here). Initially he said no chance and tried to nicely hung up. But I did ask if we could be friends, because there didn’t seem to be any animosity there. This is where I got confused.

    Without missing a beat he said, “You can call me in two months, then MAYBE we can talk.” Then I asked (kind of jokingly), “Ok how come I have to call???” He respond, “Or I guess I can too.”

    Soooo…how should I take that? Because I never wanted the relationship to end, obviously I’m going to latch onto any sliver of hope. But that last bit of the conversation has me going back and forth. It was after this that I found out about the No Contact thing because I was just thinking that was it and he’s just saying anything to get me to hang up. But that time frame is so specific…

    • C
      March 22, 2015 | 7:29 pm

      Just remembered to add something (sorry).

      During our breakup conversation, he told me he hasn’t been happy for a while. No time frame was mentioned. Yet when we were together, he never once acted like there was anything wrong. We would laugh and joke just like before. He told be he’s tired of being lonely (I guess referring to us not living together). That made me feel so hurt for him because I NEVER wanted him to feel like that. The No Contact rule I was going to respect anyways since I didn’t want to jeopardize whatever possibility between us (another thing I told him in my emotional state). And I’m only…oh, day four, into it. But after reading your article, and one from another source, I actually started feeling loads better because it makes sense. I just hope that that “two months” wasn’t some wayward statement that was thrown out there.

      • C
        March 23, 2015 | 9:00 pm

        All right, day five. And the only reason I’m writing this is because I keep feeling emotional shifts. Side note: I think it’d be interesting if there was a timeline of emotional changes during the 30-day NC process. I’ve been reading other people’s stories on here, many reminiscent of mine. It’s intriguing seeing everyone’s feelings at different points during NC. If I were to write this (I have a Bachelor’s in Communication), I feel like I’m in “The First Stages of Epiphany.”

        I’ve been thinking, a lot, about everything between us. I go from calm to swirling thoughts. Even though my ex is really bad at communication (like REALLY bad lol) I now can admit that I do remember some things he said here and there. Hints. But because he was never consistent, the hints weren’t clear. See…we haven’t been intimate for a while, and it had nothing to do with lack of desire. Quite the opposite…which is actually worse than if we were just doing it mechanically with no emotions.

        Neither one of us lives alone, and we’re both on the introverted side. So that level of privacy wasn’t there, which meant we weren’t, you know. I would suggest going to a hotel, but he was highly resistant. And I truly don’t know why exactly. In fact, anything I suggested he had some issue with. Yet if he had an idea, I *should* just go with it. For the most part I did because it didn’t bother me. But it DID irk me how he seemingly would undermine my ideas.

        In turn, I turned into his cheerleader and not his fellow teammate. I did express this, and he expressed his side (this is going back to the tug-o-war argument above). So as I sit here thinking through my NC, I’ve been mentally listing issues brought up by both sides. It still amazes me that we agree yet chase the proverbial tail. He wanted me to be the woman from before (which I realize I kind of morphed from but can get back to), and I just wanted him to listen to me, acknowledge my ideas, and not blow them off by saying “We’ll see.”

        The epiphany: I don’t know what’s to happen, I’m still only on day five. But it has hit me how stupidly simple change can be if one wishes to genuinely change. The severe lack of intimacy, as he told me, made him feel unwanted. And it didn’t matter how many times or different ways I tried to prove that it wasn’t true. But I didn’t give him what he asked for, what he needed. He needed me to share that most intimate of moments with him, and I hid out of environmental self-consciousness. It makes me sick how blindly selfish I had become and don’t blame him for wanting out. By no means am I trying to take all the weight, but I do see at least a basic fault I can correct (he said he couldn’t trust my word anymore because I didn’t come correct with some things I said I’d do). I don’t know how I can regain that trust, if I even can. But if I can, I WILL do anything to get it. He deserves that.

    • admin
      March 24, 2015 | 8:04 pm

      I think you can still do NC despite all this to be honest.

  9. Tara
    March 22, 2015 | 8:05 am

    Hi,so me and my boyfriend broke up exactly a week ago. I have been feeling very low because of this as we were very close and have been going out a year and had no problems. He had told me that he had depression and stuff and I tried to help him by always telling him I was there for him and giving him advice. Then he turned around one day and told me he couldn’t cope with being in the relationship anymore. Prior to this we had a small disagreement but nothing you would break up over. I stopped talking to him but yesterday our football team were playing and I missed it so I asked him what the score was. We talked for a bit and then it progessed into him telling me that he feels so much better. I really cannot get my head around this.all I want is to get back together so that things can go back to normal. He told me that it was the distance thing that got him but it never was a problem until recently however, I am moving to the city were he lives in September and he is aware of this
    We will be able to see each other a lot more…

    • admin
      March 22, 2015 | 5:44 pm

      I think you are primed to be in a position to get him back if you are indeed moving to his city down the road but you need to be extra careful to take things slowly.

  10. Sarah Buckland
    March 22, 2015 | 7:44 am

    Hi chris, i keep trying to buy the ebook and your website keeps saying my email is invalid. Ive tried 3 different emails (@gmail, and and they all come back as invalid??

    I really want this ebook as everything you say makes sense and i want to put your advice into practice – but i cant figure out how to buy it

    is there any other way of getting this???

    • Sarah Buckland
      March 22, 2015 | 7:46 am

      Feel free to delete this comment afterwards, i had no other way to get in touch sorry

      • admin
        March 22, 2015 | 5:43 pm

        No way!

        I want to help you as much as I can get this book.

    • admin
      March 22, 2015 | 5:43 pm

      That is super bizarre…

      No one else seems to be having issues.

      Are you located in the states or are you in another country?

  11. Hannah
    March 21, 2015 | 8:29 pm

    Hi, I did NC for 30 days (he did not contact me either)and after that I started first contact. I wrote (sorry for the Imperfect translation from German to English): “Something strange happenend to me…” 2 minutes later he wrote: “What happened?” And then I wrote: “I found a Mango Candy in one of my trousers. I immediatly had to think about when we were together in this Asian Supermarket in Vancouver. We were Standing in front of the Candies and we found out that we both know These Mango Candies. You from Malaysia and I from Canada! How small the world is…”
    After that he didn’t write anymore… This was 5 days ago. What shall I do now? He still has got my things and I have still some things of him and his keys…

    • Hannah
      March 21, 2015 | 8:30 pm

      Oh ok, my question is not about the keys, it’s just what shall I do now…

    • admin
      March 22, 2015 | 5:28 pm

      Hmm… I liked your message but I think maybe the “something strange happened part” threw him off.

      You should only do that as a last resort.

      I would have just led with the candies.

      • Hannah
        March 23, 2015 | 9:35 pm

        I contacted him again today and he replied. And he asked for a meeting to talk about the breakup, etc. And basically he said it’s not you, it’s me… (well 5 weeks before it was the other way round..) I’ve read your article on this…
        OMG I’m nervous… Do you have some advice for me?

  12. T
    March 21, 2015 | 12:34 pm

    Hi Chris. So my boyfriend of 2.5 years just ended our relationship and I was so heartbroken and confused. He said he’s falling out of love with me (listened to your podcast on that) but I’m so confused. I know now I didn’t appreciate him enough-was very critical and easily upset, but after a particular fight a week before we talked and decided to make positive changes to our relationship and everything seemed fine. I just don’t understand how he could tell me he loved me and didn’t want to end us, and then literally 2 hours later he said he didn’t know what he wanted and needed space. We agreed to do NC but only for 2 weeks and then we would talk. I saw him a few days later with another girl and was crushed. I could really use any advice you have.

  13. anon
    March 21, 2015 | 3:19 am


    I was in a relationship for a short while, and it was great until he was acting badly one evening on a group outing with friends. I addressed his behaviour and we had a small argument- nothing serious- and all was resolved. He went quiet for a few days which wasn’t normal, so I suggested we meet to talk. But before I could say anything, he told me he wanted to end things. I feel it was a rash decision and the argument could have had some part in it.

    It’s been a few days since the breakup, I’ve not been feeling sorry for myself, and I’ve been tagged in photos out with my friends on social media since then.

    I respect his decision and want to give both him and myself space. But I can’t help but feel the breakup was somewhat out of the blue and not well thought through, and I’d like to reconnect with him at a later date.

    After I complete my 30 day NC period, I’d like to send him a text to remind him of the fun we had. We both loved to laugh and tell jokes, and I used to text him a joke now and then. Would it be a good idea to break the ice with a joke I know he’d love? I’m worried that it wouldn’t leave much room to instigate a conversation, but I want to remind him of how much I made him laugh.


  14. Laura Abbey
    March 20, 2015 | 11:48 pm

    Hi Chris, my ex broke up with me after almost a year of relationship and I was devastated and refused to let go, he said he wanted to focus on work and school and I was not letting him succeed because of the way I nagged, I offered to change but he said no and tried to talk niecly to me. I left him alone and 3 days later showed up at my job to tell me how much me missed me, I had been so upset that I had contacted a guy I used to date just to get my mind off things, when my ex showed up at my job to say those things I recieved a text from the other guy and he read it , he then took my phone and read all our messages which I was just writing out of hurt and wanting to get my mind off him… my ex cried and told me he wanted nothing to do with me that he thought he had wanted me back but now that he read those messages he wants nothing, I tried to explain but he just told me it was over. What should I do should I try no contact? I have called and messaged him several times and he doesn’t want to talk

    • admin
      March 22, 2015 | 4:43 pm

      You definitely should!

  15. Melanie
    March 20, 2015 | 6:05 am

    My boyfriend and I were together for nearly a year and he broke up with me in August. The breakup was pretty brutal to be honest. When I asked him if he loved me he said that “he thought he did.” Which was obviously horrible to hear especially since he was the first one to drop the ‘I love you’ bomb when we were dating. To say I was surprised is an understatement. I started to breakdown and told him to leave and that we were done. He was crying when he left so I can’t tell if it was because he really did love me or he just felt guilty. Who knows. But I didn’t speak him for nearly 7 months. My friends were pretty surprised by my Will power but I just knew I had to follow the no contact rule. I also had no intention of getting back together with him. But yesterday I had fully realized the the way out relationship ended just left me with a crap ton of anger and resentment so I decided to reach out. I also knew that even if he had felt the need to reach out to me he wouldn’t have, because my ex may have said he didn’t love me, but he certainly knew when to give me my space. I asked about his family and said that I didn’t want our last conversation to be so hostile. As I had expected, he was glad I reached out because he felt horrible about how things went down. It was very casual and we just caught each other up on our lives. I did all this before I read this article so I’m clearly on the right track but I’m just wondering if it seems worth it for me to continue the steps. Because a part of me has been feeling that he does love me. And that part of myself has been nagging me basically since we broke up. Sorry for the long post, this stuff needs explaining haha Any advice??

  16. Lila
    March 19, 2015 | 7:15 am

    My ex and i were together for 2 years. We finally ended things because he said our relationship wasn’t progressing and he didn’t thinki i was the once. Ouch. So a year later it has been on and off again torture. i do no contact, he pops back up, same thing different day. So finally he gets mad at me because i’m a writer and he stumbled upon some blogs i had written about us (i NEVER used his name and the only people who would ever know are people who already knew) but he was pissed. He said that he kept trying to end things but that I wouldn’t leave him alone! really? he is the one who texted me after i tried to move on. Sure sometimes i initiated things but so did he! I am so pissed, but of course i still miss him and want him back. So I’m currently doing no contact (12 more days til I reach 30) then i am gonna try for 60 days. If he wants me to leave him alone then i probably should wait as long as hummanly possible right? Is there any hope for us? I know he cares about me but i don’t think he ever let himself really fall in love

  17. Ploy
    March 18, 2015 | 10:07 pm

    Hi Chris,
    Ive been seeing my ex for almost a year before we broke up this time. Last year we were seeing each other then he decided to go to work in australia, i broke up with him a few months after he went there because it was so hard for me. The we start seeing eaxh other again after he got back. Our relationship has been tough, hes a strange person but hes cool for me but sometime im trying to control the relationship for too much that we fight a lot. This time was big fight, its been a stressful time at work and i have no idea and bring that home with me, we started fighting over stupid thing like he was saying that im being negative and i can seem to get over it for days and the last day i brought up a fight all day and i couldnt even control my anger because of the stressful project im working on i even say hes being selfish and stuff but some of them are true so he gone. The day after i sent him a message of how sorry i am over what happened but he said that he cant be with me anymore or we should just be friend. Im giving him some space for now but i dont know what should i do or where im going right now. I still love him tho

  18. Taylor
    March 18, 2015 | 8:47 pm

    So I read this having just been broken up with recently, and it has some great advice, but I’m still a little unsure about my relationship. We dated 2.5 years and had been fighting a lot, but talked it out after one particularly bad one and agreed to make changes to our relationship. Two hours after talking he comes back over and dumps me…I was crushed and then I see him out a few days later with another girl. I know you say wait 30 days, but we agreed to talk after 2 weeks. I realize I made a lot of mistakes, and have been seeking professional help for some of my issues, but Im not sure how he could go from telling me he wants to marry me to two weeks later kissing another girl. I’m just not sure how to make him realize that as I get better with my issues, I know our relationship can go back to what it was, and why he kissed this other girl…

    • admin
      March 21, 2015 | 3:09 pm

      Well, I think priority number one is figuring out what you want.

      From there we can formulate a game plan on how to proceed.

      • T
        March 21, 2015 | 5:20 pm

        I want to show him that our relationship doesn’t have to be arguments all the time, and that my anxiety from other parts of my life was interfering with us, but now that Im seriously addressing it, it will stop. After 2 weeks I already feel much better about things. I want to win him back because like you mention-we have the same values and we have talked about sharing a life together and how the things we want we want together. I’m just trying to understand what to do and say. He said he loved me and 2 hours later breaks it off and says his heart isn’t in the right place. Yet 2 weeks ago my friend spoke to him and he said he was committed to doing long distance when I move in a few months because he loves me.

        • Taylor
          March 23, 2015 | 6:14 pm

          So he reached out to talk and when we did he said that he wants to be done now because he’s tired of putting my happiness before his. He said he’s missed me at times but he’s been happy doing whatever he wants when he wants without worrying about me. Mentioned he always will care about me and that he never wanted to hurt me. He was very emotional when we talked and I told him I would be willing to fix things but he stood by his decision. He told me there wasn’t anyone else. Said maybe his feelings will change down the road but he doesn’t expect me to wait. Should I just enter into the 30 days NC and work on being “the ungettable girl” and follow your guide from step 1?

  19. Madeleine
    March 18, 2015 | 5:10 pm

    My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me yesterday. We were in a long distance relationship and things were tough, but nothing that we couldn’t overcome. He told me he wasn’t happy anymore and that we needed to work on ourselves apart because it wasn’t working when we were together. My heart is broken. I was literally all packed to see him in 3 days. He said I couldn’t come visit him because it would just “reset the cycle” we were in. I’m devastated. He says I need to work on myself in order to fix our relationship. He’s still texting me, but it’s making things hard. He says he still loves me and that he he didn’t want our relationship to end, but that it had to. I don’t know how to implement the NC rule when he’s still talking to me at this point. Do I just all of a sudden stop texting back? Please help, I love that man more than anyone else.

    • R
      March 22, 2015 | 7:30 am

      (I know this is aimed to girls, but whatever)
      I dated my long-distance girlfriend of 4 years (about 2.3 years of being physically close) and she broke with me about 2-3 weeks ago. At first, I went into denial. Days later, I accepted it because I felt that I could change her mind. However, things didn’t get any better since she just met someone and she started to hang out with him and get “way too close” to him. They barely known each other for about 2 weeks and I was surprised for the way she handed out the situation. She is always shy, introverted and you get the idea… I was totally crush. So for the next couple weeks, I did the bad moves: begging, needy, stalking… and on top of that, I was getting sick physically and mentally.

      Today, I was being ‘extra’ needy and giving assumptions about that she was talking to him all the time instead of me… Yeah, and I even admitted I did wrong and she did got really pissed about it. After several minutes, things calmed down when we changed the topic and she insisted me that she does’t regret what she has done (break up) and we are not able to get back together. She told me it is for our good. This is when I stumble upon this website… So really HOPE I am not too late to start NO Contact Rule. We end the conversation in good terms, however. She said “See ya” and I said “bye (name)” and that was it. This is where I start my NCR.

      However, the only way we did communicate each other the last couple months was Facebook Messenger and I plan to still read her messages (if she ever) leaves on my FB. But I made it a way that she won’t notice that I’ve seen her message. Should I really do that? Or should completely shut down all means of communications with her? I really hope this is the best for us, and I hope that if she ever dates that guy it becomes a rebound relationship. (Actually, she kinda broke up with me almost at the same time she met that guy. And from what his other friends says about him, he’s a player. I hope that’s good news.)

      • admin
        March 22, 2015 | 5:40 pm

        Lucky for you I created a site for men called Ex Girlfriend Recovery.

  20. Simba
    March 18, 2015 | 4:21 pm

    We just recently broke up, noticed some stuff is missing in the stuff he gave me back, should I break my NC period to ask him not to throw out some of the stuff I’m missing as some of it is important but just looks like empty boxes/ rubbish. Im reluctant as could be reason to meet up when the appropriate time comes, and he might suggest posting it or leaving it with a friend/ relative who lives closer. However if he were to throw things out, I have less chance of getting him to agree to meeting up.

    • admin
      March 21, 2015 | 3:04 pm

      How important is this stuff?

  21. autumn
    March 18, 2015 | 2:39 am

    Ok so my boyfriend of a year broke up with me and of course I was heartbroken. I did the worst thing I could do witch is beg for him to take me back . I then realize I was only hurting myself . I do want to date him again but it just feels like if I don’t talk to him first than he isn’t gonna talk to me . He s said that he didn’t want a girlfriend for a couple of years . What does this mean and what do I do ?

    • admin
      March 18, 2015 | 9:23 pm

      I doubt he means that he doesn’t want a girlfriend for a few years.

      • autumn
        March 19, 2015 | 12:10 am

        What do I do ?

  22. Reba
    March 17, 2015 | 6:50 pm

    *I meant our shared pets!

  23. irene
    March 17, 2015 | 4:50 pm

    Hello christ,thanks for being a friend in deed.
    Please I need ur help. I have been dating dis guy for two years.but last year december he broke up with me cause all through the while we where dating we had sex jst dis is because I was cheating.yeah I was,,,,now I cheated cause he was keeping too many babes nd well I had to do same instead of dying in silence. So wen he asked for brakeup I beg nd cried but he refused. I travelled for a week nd wen I was back I noticed he had gone back to his EX. Well I know he LOVEs me so I used dat advantage to get my way back to his life but the painful truth is dat he is still dating his ex nd things aint dsame anymore between us. But since I knw him, I was having my way not ontill today.we had another misunderstanding,,,we where talking about the past nd he got angry all over again. Since den he has refused to answer my calls or even respond to my messages on BBM. Pls wat do I do. Should I let him go? But bear in mind that I so so love him nd he loves me too. But.. Thanks christ.

    • admin
      March 18, 2015 | 8:59 pm

      I would go into NC.. you might be coming on too strong right now.

  24. Robert
    March 17, 2015 | 3:24 pm

    I know it’s a little ridiculous because I’m over 40, my boyfriend broke up with me 3 month ago after almost a year, last month I sent him a message and he didn’t respond, just wanted my stuff back. I was so upset that I sent him a mail with everything I felt including how much I loved him and how much he hurt me and I was apologized for hurting him if he felt like this,he didn’t!
    After that we spoke on the phone for 2-3 minutes and he was cold and cruel, said it is over between us and there is nothing to talk about.
    I didn’t say anything in the mail or on the phone about me wanting him back, just wanted to see him and say goodbye properly
    I went to his place to get my stuff, his friend was there and I couldn’t say anything …..after a few days I sent him another mail a goodbye mail.
    I wrote it nicely I didn’t say anything that can hurt him I chose my words carefully and I was grateful for many things
    He didn’t respond he didn’t say anything …..
    I miss him very much , I don’t know if I want to get back to him, I just want to see him
    Do you think I could or should send him a text message?
    And what should I do if he doesn’t respond back and ignoring me again?

    • admin
      March 18, 2015 | 8:53 pm

      Sorry for the breakup.

      Well, usually I recommend no contact after a breakup so I am not sure that bodes too well for your text.

      • Robert
        March 19, 2015 | 9:39 am

        The contact I made was 2 month after the breakup
        He contact me after 1 month, asking for his keys , I left them in his mail box
        Then after another month I made to contact, just to get my stuff back, he didn’t replay I did talk to him after and he was curl and mean

        So I didn’t understand your answer

        What to do if I contact him again and he doesn’t replay and ignore me again

  25. Ava
    March 17, 2015 | 1:55 pm

    Hello Chris. I am at the texting shared memories. I sent him funny pics of us and our shared animals that are now with me
    He didn’t seem hostile, but he said “it wasn’t right to send me those pics”. I’m assuming they are affecting his emotions? I also slipped in a compliment in that conversation. Can you give me some feedback on this? We’ve been apart since Feb 10th. Completed NC for 30 days. He texted me during, but I did not answer. He got a little angry, so But, I respectfully told him I would discuss anything business related. He was fine then, we discussed a few things and that was that. Now we’re here and hopefully working towards reconciliation. We’ve been together 5 years, have a house together, he and his son were family. How does it look so far? Also, for the meet up, I bought tickets before we broke up to a basketball game for us to go to. Do you think this is a acceptable for our “first date”?

    • admin
      March 18, 2015 | 8:53 pm

      Looks good so far.

      That is an acceptable/exciting first date.

      I like it.

  26. Ashley
    March 15, 2015 | 11:38 pm

    Hi Chris, i lost my dad 2 years ago and am still grieving his loss which made it hard to completely open up in my relationship. almost a week ago out of the blue my ex boyfriend broke up with me we had a few small fights and that turned into him thinking That I thought he was different than when we started out. He was really hurt. He took everything i said to the worst degree. He also said i shut him out or wouldnt let him in for awhile and felt he couldnt make me happy.. I met up with him the next after he broke up with me on the phone and said we need to meet in person, i told him it doesnt have to be like this, I can open up and he still stuck to his word and wanted to end it.. I unfollowed him on all social media but he still has me on everything and even liked my selfie 2 two nights ago. Do you have any advice?

    • admin
      March 18, 2015 | 6:51 pm

      I am really sorry to hear about your father.

      I am close with mine and I know I would grieve for years.

      How long have you been in NC with your ex for exactly?

  27. Megan
    March 15, 2015 | 7:31 pm

    So i read this a little while after u was broken up with. We had only been dating for two months…but he understood me better then anyone and he kept me level headed. He made me so very happy, but he has been through so many bad breakups he just couldnt see past the possibility of me hurting him.Which makes me feel horrible and helpless. I fear there is no hope, but I hope and pray there is. He is also bipolar, so i dont know if he was having a moment. I fear he is with his ex, that he still loves. I feel like i just wasnt good enough in his eyes.

    • admin
      March 18, 2015 | 6:40 pm

      How long after he broke up with you did you read this?

      Bipolar is a pretty tough disorder to deal with. May I ask how old the both of you are?

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