When Jeremy and I broke up we were financially unable to move out of our apartment. He was constantly near me and yet he felt so far away. The notion that one day I should avoid my ex was unthinkable. I can only imagine how much I would have missed him if we did not live together. Yet now that was what was unfolding.
Even thinking of cutting my ex off completely some day was something I could never fathom during the good times. Such a thought would mean he would be gone and there would be a big, empty void that I would have to fill with Ben and Jerry’s.
Now I know that when most relationships end this is what happens. One day your ex is a huge part of your life, and the next day they are gone and you feel you are are cut off from your ex forever or that you should cut off him off forever.
It really depends on how it went down, doesn’t it?
Those words you just read was from a special person I know who shared her story with me. It illustrates the maddening sensation of love on the rocks and being forced to separate.
None of it is easy.
What Does It Feel Like To Break The Ties With Your Ex?
At first it is going to feel like you will never be able to recover.
How are you supposed to go back to your life when such a big part of it is missing? How are you suppose to stay away from an ex boyfriend when he was once so much part of everything you did?
But there is this voice in you that speaks breakup truths to you. It says, it is best to stay away. It tells you “I will be farther along in the future if I learn how not to give in to my ex.”
I guess you can call it tough love. But everybody knows it is really hard to learn how to cut him off completely.
Another voice in your mind will be whispering, “Should I avoid my ex in all respects? Should I avoid places my ex goes? Will practicing tough love with my ex really work?
The truth is that as time goes by things are going to get easier little by little and it turns out that staying away from him is the right medicine for you post breakup.
And if you are guided by a good ex recovery plan, you will learn that it is even be possible to use the breakup and the separation period to not only better yourself but to improve your chances of getting your ex back!
Is It Healthy To Keep in Touch With My Ex or Is It Better To Keep Him Away?
Well, the short answer is that it usually better to keep him at bay, at least in the early stages. Indeed, trying to force communications or resorting to bouts of begging and crying usually just makes thing worse and lessens you personal power.
So think of it this way. How do you not give in to your ex? You see, you broke up for a reason. You both disagreed about something. Whether you initiated the breakup or he dumped you, there was conflict and disagreement over things. Perhaps they were petty and one or both of you acted to impulsively. Or maybe the problem that led to the parting of the ways was very serious and has been a bone of contention for a long time. Maybe your ex was emotionally abusive, so it became a question of how to stay away from an abusive ex.
Possibly you got mixed up with a really bad guy. Let’s say your ex was a selfish prick. So staying away from him after the breakup becomes even more important. In such cases, learning how to stay away from an ex who is a narcissist is vitally important because you may not want to be around this kind of person ever again.
So the question becomes, knowing how hard it can be to ignore a persistent ex’s efforts to get back with you, what can you do to be sure the two of you are not thrown together again far too soon.
Far too often, I have seen broken up couples come running back into each other arms, only to fight and fuss and break up again.
That is what often happens. Your guy may not be able to stand the thought of staying away from you any longer and will push every button to get back in on your good side.
What can you do to cut him off completely so you don’t suffer from the hot and cold breakup syndrome?
I am not saying throwing your ex out of your life forever. It’s just that if you want to heal and experience personal growth and recover from your hurts, then you need to find some ways to make him understand you need your space.
I have 7 ideas that you can put into effect that will help you with not only staying away from your ex boyfriend, but more importantly, you can use this time to grow your value and worth and broaden your own sense of perspective about what you want from him and the future.
7 Ways To Stay Away From An Ex In Order To Make Things Better
Immediately following a breakup emotions are high. It is difficult to think logically. It’s easy to let yourself slip into a depression. You can convince yourself that things are never going to get better. It’s natural to want to reach out to your ex. You’re going to want to let him know how much you are hurting. Try to fight that urge. Reaching out to your ex when you are at your lowest is not going to make him want to take you back. It’s going to make you seem like a mess and will push him farther away.
The ideas I present below follow what I call the attraction value chain. First you avoid all contact and you do things to make yourself better. But as you work through your ex recovery plan, there will come a time when you no longer stay completely away from your ex. You actually will no longer be avoiding him, but you won’t be giving him full access either.
OK, let’s get started at how you can thread the needle of keeping clear of your ex boyfriend until it’s time to pull him back in.
1. It’s Time to Go Away In Order To Stay Away From Your Ex
What you should do is go into a No Contact period. Simply end all communications and contact and focus on your own recovery.
After your boyfriend breaks up with you are going to feel devastated. Many women become the “crazy ex”. They either lash out or make many attempts to discuss the relationship. Going into a No Contact period is going to confuse your ex. It also sets you apart from other breakups that he has gone through in the past.
How long the No Contact lasts depends on the nature of the breakup. If your ex seemed upset that the relationship was coming to an end, 21 days may be long enough. For most relationships, however, 30 days is the recommended length of time. For relationships that end badly you are going to want to go through a longer No Contact period. Generally 45 days is long enough for bad breakups.
Setting aside all your vulnerabilities negative emotions as you go through this No Contact period is difficult. Many people end up breaking No Contact in the first week or so. Yet, every time No Contact is broken it becomes a little less effective. The No Contact period is a time during which you are going to heal from the trauma of the breakup. You are going to work on yourself and define who you are and who you want to become. It’s also a time for your ex to miss you and regret losing you. So let it work its magic.
2. Heal Yourself By Keeping Your Mind Off Your Ex and Embracing the Holy Trinity
For No Contact to be successful you are going to need to keep your mind off of your ex. You are going to have to stay away from giving into to your own desires to be with him again.
Thinking of him constantly is going to make it difficult for you to accept the breakup. It is going to make it hard for you to work on improving yourself. After the breakup it will be helpful for you to set goals for yourself. These will be things that you want to work on or achieve during the No Contact period.
Three areas that you should focus on are health, wealth, and relationships. I call them the Holy Trinity of breakup recovery.
When you think about working on improving your health there are lots of things that come to mind. What’s important is focusing on activities that matter the most to you. For example, some people, after their breakups, get focused on getting back into hobbies and activities that set aside after meeting their ex.
Some women enjoy going to the gym and lifting or cycling or excising. Outline what you want to do to work on your health. Choosing things that you care about will increase the chances that you will become devoted to your new routines.
Improving your wealth can also mean many thing. Becoming financially independent puts women in a position of power and respect. Paying off debts or going after a better job are both good goals. Saving up for future trips or for retirement are also worthwhile goals. You want to make sure that whatever you choose to work on is important to you and that your goals are realistic.
Finally, you want to improve your relationships. Spend time with your family and make plans to meet up with old friends. These people can be a great support system to help you deal with your feelings about the breakup. Spending time with other people is also an effective distraction from your ex. Apart from cultivating these old relationships, you can also develop new relationships. These can be new friendships or new romantic relationships.
Starting new romantic relationships seems both scary and impossible. Especially when you first go through a breakup. However, you are not going to be trying to find a new long term relationship. You are going to be trying to have fun and get a confidence boost. It is also easy to think that if your ex finds out that you are dating other people it will push him away. However, it will actually make it seem like you are desirable to other men which will make him want you more.
3. Tricks and Tactics To Make Your Ex Miss You While Still Avoiding Him
During the No Contact period you are not going to be talking to your ex.
So how are you going to make him miss you?
First you are going to post your positive improvement and experiences on your social media pages. Don’t post daily and avoid looking desperate. You only want to post sincere progress and cute pictures. You want your ex to see you thriving. If your ex unfollows you on social media, it’s actually good. It means that what you are posting is bothering him. Even if he deletes you he will still find ways to continue to view your posts. He will either ask his friends to keep tabs on you or he will create dummy profiles to use to view you.
Completing No Contact will make your ex miss you as well. He is going to expect you to jump to respond to him if he reaches out to you. When you don’t do this it is going to eat away at him. He may become angry or try to make you feel guilty for ignoring him. Remember that these reactions are proof that the system is working.
Don’t be tricked into breaking No Contact though, it will only lead to him backing away again.
4. When Is It Time To Reach Out To Your Ex
Before contacting your ex you need to complete a No Contact period. This means that if you started the No Contact period then broke it by reaching out; that you would have to start it over, at least for some of the time.
If your No Contact period ends and you are still focused on the breakup itself then you probably have not made enough progress. You should delay reaching out. Neither of you may be ready. That is the whole idea around staying away from an ex. You are trying to create a future environment where the chances of reconciliation are higher.
You want to get to a place where you are comfortable with the notion that you two broke up. You want to be comfortable with who you are as an individual person.
Once your No Contact period is over and you are comfortable with the growth you have made, you can reach out to your ex. You want to reach out via text message.
This first “reach out text” needs to be something that will grab your ex’s attention. For example, “You’ll never believe what I saw today”. This will get him wondering and curious. You then want the next text to relate to something that your ex is going to care about. Here’s an example conversation:
You: You’ll never believe what I saw today!
You: I swear I saw [ex’s favorite sports player] at the mall
This story needs to be somewhat believable. So, if you live in an area where it’s unlikely that a celebrity would be then don’t use that example.
If your ex responds that’s great. Remember though, he may not be ready and may need more time. If you don’t get a response then wait three days and try again. If you still don’t get a response then wait one to two weeks before reaching out.
If he responds and you have a discussion try to be the one to end the conversation. You want to end it when it is at a high point so that he is left with a positive reaction to the conversation.
5. Ending The Communication Just When It Starts Getting Good
Once you establish a rapport with your ex through texting you can move on to the next step.
After texting for several weeks tell your ex that you have a story to tell him that is too long to text. Then ask if you can call him. Again, you want to end the conversation unexpectedly and on a high note. When I was dating my wife, she would do exactly that to me. We would be talking on the phone and at the best point in the conversation her phone would “die” or something would happen where the conversation ended. It drove me crazy and left me thinking about her all day.
6. The Push-Pull Method Can Ultimately Pull in Your Ex Boyfriend
This concept is based on the idea that every time you do something to pull your ex in, you then should do something to push him away.
I am not talking about doing anything cruel or malicious, just a little remark or action to let your ex know that he has to work for your attention.
For example, after you have a positive interaction, disappear for a day or so. Let your ex wonder where you have gone. By pushing him away you are actually keeping him interested. Less is more. If your ex feels cut off from you, he will desire you more.
7. The Rubber Band Theory is a Similar Tactic
This concept is based on the idea that the more you chase a man the farther they are going to pull away.
However, the more you stay distant, the more he will chase you. Another way of describing it is the saying ” treat them kinda mean and they’ll be keen. Treat them nice and they’ll be ice.”
OK, so it’s not a perfect little stay away ex quote, but you get the idea!
Keep this in mind during your interactions. You want to be kind and sweet, but let him come to you.
After a breakup it is natural for you to feel crushed.
Missing your ex and being preoccupied with the breakup is normal as well. They key is to keep them away from you and likewise you need to stay away from them.
Distracting yourself with positive actions and feelings is going to help you feel better. Work on your health, wealth, and relationships. Do this to make yourself happier and more independent.
Also to make yourself more attractive to your ex. Remember to complete an entire No Contact period and then to send an effective first reach out text. Remain a little distant and let your ex come to you. Time is going to work in your favor if you follow the value chain I just summarized!