What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back

The Female Mind During The No Contact Rule

Without a doubt one of the most popular articles that I have ever written in the history of this site is my “male mind series. (1) (2)

Essentially I took a concept like the no contact rule and took a deep dive into what a man was thinking during it and after it.

Women seemed to like to know what is going on in the head of their ex boyfriends, go figure.

Now, here is the thing about the no contact rule.

Pretty much every article I ever write about it is popular.

Seriously, take a look at the comment counts on my articles relating to no contact. Almost all of them have received over 100 comments,

screen-shot-2016-11-14-at-10-40-52-am

Well, yesterday someone asked me a really fascinating question. Now, bear in mind that I am paraphrasing here,

Chris, you write so much about how the no contact rule and how men think during it. How about you do an article on the thoughts that women have during it? And maybe you could pinpoint the negative thoughts we have and how we should combat them.

And now here we are!

My intention with this article isn’t to intimidate you by showing you how difficult the no contact rule can be for women.

Instead, it’s to inspire you to keep going.

It’s to give you a quick cheat sheet that you can glance at when you have a negative thought that makes you want to break the no contact rule.

First things first though, let’s take a moment to define what the no contact rule is.

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A Quick Explanation Of No Contact

Honestly I feel like a broken record at this point. I have “defined” the no contact rule so many times throughout this site that I feel like you guys are going to slap me,

slap

The no contact rule is essentially a period of time where you ignore your ex boyfriend. In other words, if he calls, texts, Skypes, Facebooks or does something else to get your attention you are supposed to ignore those attempts.

Now, when I explain this part of the no contact rule to people they understand it completely.

It’s this next part where the trouble seems to start.

The no contact rule is going to benefit you in two primary ways,

  1. By ignoring your ex boyfriend you are going to raise the chances of having him miss you.
  2. It’s going to give YOU time for personal growth.

Most people get that by ignoring someone the chances that they will miss you are higher. In fact, most of the women who try the no contact rule are drawn to it for that reason. However, that’s actually not the most important part of the no contact rule. Instead, freeing up time for personal growth is.

Our research has found that women who take the time that they are in the no contact rule to facilitate their own personal growth have better results when it comes to getting their exes back.

And there is a specific segment who come the conclusion that they never even wanted him back.

Of course, out of all the strategies that we recommend here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery the no contact rule is without a doubt the one strategy with the highest fail rate.

Now, what do you think I mean by that?

Well, what I mean is that women who try the no contact rule come into it all “gung-ho” about completing it without any slip ups but when push comes to shove they cave the very first time that their ex reaches out to them.

Well, what if I told you that I have a trick that you could use to prevent yourself from breaking the no contact rule.

My Secret Trick

Now, before I start diving into the female mind during the no contact rule it’s very important that I teach you this secret trick.

Why?

Well, a lot of the things I talk about after this section can be solved if you put this one trick into practice.

Last month I interviewed a PHD by the name of Glenn Livingston.

Not only is this man a veteran psychologist and CEO of a multi-million dollar consulting firm he has also authored the best selling book on Amazon for binge eating.

screen-shot-2016-11-14-at-11-11-49-am

Do you see that book at the top there, “Never Binge Again,” Yup, Glenn Livingston authored that and he was kind enough to come onto our show and talk about his experience with helping binge eaters.

Now, I know what you are thinking?

Umm… how does this even apply to the no contact rule?

Well, what originally was meant to be a talk on binge eating soon turned into a talk on the no contact rule and breaking the bad habit of contacting your ex. It turns out that Glenn’s interview holds the greatest trick to NOT contacting your ex during the no contact rule. Take a look below,

In case you didn’t have time to watch the whole interview the gist of Glenn’s strategy goes like this,

Did you know that when you go through a breakup the part of your brain that becomes active is the exact same part of the brain that becomes active in a drug addict going through withdrawal.

In other words, as you are going through a breakup you are going to be feeling very similar effects to an addict going through withdrawal.

Now, let me ask you a question.

A drug addict who is going through withdrawal wants what above all else?

They want drugs.

Well, since you are going through your own little withdrawal period what is the one thing that you want more than anything during your breakup.

You want to talk to your ex.

Of course, this goes completely against everything the no contact rule stands for. So, you have these two conflicting forces at odds with one another and often times your primal need to talk to your ex wins out.

And really it all starts with the voice in the back of your head.

You know, the one that is constantly telling you things like,

“What’s the big deal if I talk to him?”

 

“I wonder what he is up to? I have to find out.”

 

“I miss him so much, let me just ask him a question. What’s the harm in that?”

This inner voice is often the root of all of your problems.

That’s where Dr. Livingston’s method comes into play. He recommends that you find a way to make the voice sound disgusting to you. So disgusting in fact, that you want to barf every single time you hear it.

Now, it may sound a little goofy and simple at first.

But the more you establish this habit in repetition the more you are going to condition yourself to not listen to it.

Ultimately it’s one of your best weapons to beat the addictive behavior that is so common during the no contact rule.

Of course, I entitled this resource, “The Female Mind During The No Contact Rule” so lets talk about some of the things that are almost guaranteed to go through your mind during the no contact rule.

Are you ready?

I hope so!

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Thought #1: This Is Going To Be Easy

I first read about the no contact rule back in 2012.

Care to take a guess at what my very first thought was upon reading about it,

“That’s it? That’s so easy.”

It was shocking to me that something that seemed so easy was being recommended by many of the foremost experts in the field. Nevertheless, I went with it and started recommending it to my own audience.

After a few months of hearing back from them I realized the truth.

The Truth: Most of the women who tried the no contact rule ended up failing at it.

But why?

Why had so many women failed?

Well, I think it has to do with that addiction bit.

It’s so difficult to stop an addiction where you are literally one text message away from engaging in it.

Of course, most of the women who end up deciding that they want to do the no contact rule will no doubt have this mindset that it’s going to be easy.

I hate to break it to you but it’s not.

In fact, I estimate that 8 out of 10 women who try NC will end up breaking it early when they aren’t supposed to.

Don’t take this lightly.

How To Combat This Thought

I am going to level with you.

Not falling victim to this thought will be extremely difficult.

Why?

Because the no contact rule sounds like such a simple premise.

Again, don’t let it’s simplicity fool you.

Instead, my biggest recommendation here is to plan accordingly.

You see, the no contact rule would probably be a lot easier if it was only supposed to last a week. However, in most cases it is going to last an entire month.

Most people make it past a week but it’s the next three weeks that become troublesome.

So again, my recommendation is to map out how you are going to stay occupied so that you don’t break it.

A great way to do this is with a calendar.

You know, one of these,

celandar

I want you to map out every day that you are in the midst of a no contact rule.

Write out what you are going to do, how it’s going to benefit you and so on and so forth.

By having a clear plan it’s going to make your life that much easier during the no contact rule.

Thought #2: What If This Doesn’t Work?

There’s no doubt about it.

When you try the no contact rule you are taking a leap of faith.

You are hoping that he misses you.

You are hoping that this deep intense pain that you are feeling from the breakup will subside.

But “hope” isn’t a guarantee.

And this fact probably gnaws at you.

That voice in the back of your head whispers,

“What if this doesn’t work? Is this even worth it?”

I will be the first to tell you that when it comes to exes there are no guarantees.

But I feel strongly enough to make one statement.

If you do the no contact properly it is guaranteed to work in one way.

What Does That Mean?

Think of it like this.

Most people who try the no contact rule are trying it to make their ex miss them. And without a doubt it can accomplish that.

However, there are no guarantees.

But I feel like people who look at the no contact rule just to make their ex miss them are missing the entire point of it.

The part of the brain that becomes active when you go through a breakup is the same part of the brain that becomes active when a drug addict is going through a withdrawal.

The no contact rule essentially forces you to stop focusing on your addiction (your ex) and focus that energy inwards.

In fact, we have seen that women who really take this fact to heart have incredible results in not only their personal lives but they also have a higher chance of success when it comes to getting their ex back.

So, by properly implementing the no contact rule where you focus a lot of energy on yourself you are guaranteed to have something positive happen to you.

Get it?

The no contact rule serves an amazing application and you are guaranteed to get something positive out of it as long as you put more energy into yourself as opposed to into your ex.

Thought #3: What If He Doesn’t Try To Contact Me?

I just had a big pow-wow on the fact that making your ex boyfriend isn’t the be all end all of the no contact rule. Nevertheless, I am sure that a gigantic portion of women are going to have one singular thought,

What if he doesn’t contact me at all?

Let’s take a look at this fear.

The reason you are probably fearing it is due to the fact that you will feel like a complete failure if he doesn’t try to contact you at all.

But I tend to look at this in a different way.

Now, I realize this may be a lot to ask of you but I want you to take about 41 minutes out of your day to watch the most epic interview I have ever done,

You didn’t watch it did you?

Geez… No patience.

Ok, here is the gist of the interview. I interviewed, Jessy, who not only used my advice to get her ex back but now she is married to him.

Rethinking that idea of not watching the interview now, huh?

Basically the part in the interview that I want to call to your attention is where Jessy admits that her ex, was very rigid and stubborn.

Throughout no contact he would not contact her.

AND SHE GOT HIM TO MARRY HER!

Look, this essentially backs up what I have been saying for a long time that him contacting you during the no contact rule isn’t everything it’s made out to be.

What You Need To Understand

Let’s throw out the gender roles here on who is supposed to contact who first.

We live in the 21st century.

No one cares if it’s the guy or the girl who contacts the other person first.

So, if you are a woman who is hung up on this idea that a man should always text you first then I am going to ask you to step off your high horse because IT DOESN’T MATTER!

Besides, I always kind of like it when women can control the narrative by contacting a man first anyways.

I’m a bit of a feminist in that way.

In fact, what is the first thing I recommend that you do after the no contact rule is over?

Yup, I recommend that YOU text him.

Yes, I will level with you that it’s always a great thing when your ex contacts you during the no contact rule but if he doesn’t it doesn’t mean that the no contact rule won’t work.

I just showed you the ultimate example that it will still work.

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Thought #4: What If He Gets Angry During The No Contact Rule?

This thought is almost like the exact opposite of what is going on with thought #3. With that one you were worried that he would never contact you at all during no contact. And with this one he does contact you during no contact but not in a very favorable way.

Allow me to explain.

For some men, the no contact rule can be an extreme route to go.

This is especially true if the two of you have established a pattern where you are constantly in contact with each other after a breakup.

So, if we were to visualize this it would look a little something like,

new-pattern

Now, here is the interesting thing about human beings.

We are all very resistant to change.

And now that, that pattern has been interrupted as a result of the no contact rule it is entirely plausible that your ex may get a little angry with you.

It wouldn’t be out of the question that you could receive a few text messages or phone calls from him looking like this,

screen-shot-2016-11-17-at-10-52-39-am

Now, when most women receive angry messages like this they immediately start to panic and think that for some reason they will never have a chance to get their ex boyfriend back.

If you think that then I have a story to tell you.

A Quick Story

Did you know that I have a daughter.

I don’t talk about her a lot on this website for a few reasons.

  1. I want to protect her privacy
  2. I am an expert on exes and often times you don’t need to talk about a baby to get your point across (until now.)

My daughter just turned one and she is starting to learn to communicate.

Right now she has only mastered three words,

  1. Mama…
  2. Dada…
  3. Hi…

Besides those three words she communicates by a combination of screaming, yelling or grunting.

Oh, and then we have the tantrums.

Basically when she doesn’t like something she will scream and cry uncontrollably. She knows if she does this she will eventually get her way. The most recent example I can think of is when our family went out to an arts and crafts fair hosted by the city we live in.

It was amazing.

I have never seen so many people in one place before.

They had arts…

They had crafts…

They had ICE CREAM…

And not the cheap kind. This was homemade ice cream and pretty much upon seeing the booth my wife and I decided that we would give our daughter a taste of some ice cream.

Well, that was it.

Once we did that the entire fortunes of our day changed.

My daughter likes ice cream.

She likes it so much she wanted more and more and more.

Of course, we had to cut her off at a certain point.

So, what did she do?

She threw a tantrum.

She screamed…

Cried…

Whimpered…

Yelled again…

Cried some more…

I think you get the picture.

But why did she throw the tantrum?

Well, ultimately she wanted more ice cream and we wouldn’t give it to her. Now, what do you think would happen if we would have given her more ice cream after throwing this tantrum.

Essentially we would be rewarding her for throwing a tantrum.

Re-enforcing the wrong type of behavior.

Do you see where I am going with this?

When you use the no contact rule and your ex acts angry it’s the grown up version of throwing a tantrum. Now, should you reward him for throwing a tantrum?

Absolutely not.

In fact, that’s what most women end up doing.

They get scared that they are going to lose him forever.

NEWSFLASH!

You already lost him.

It’s time to do something for YOU!

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Thought #5: But He Posted This Thing On Facebook… What Does It Mean?

Ahh… Facebook.

Without a doubt Facebook or other similar social media websites play a role in the no contact rule.

Why?

Well, the no contact rule is pretty clear on the fact that you aren’t supposed to contact your ex. However, it doesn’t say anything about looking at him, does it?

That’s where social media websites like Facebook come into play.

Now, I will be the first to admit that Facebook and other sites like it can play an important role during the no contact rule. However, at the same time they can be pretty dangerous.

Allow me to elaborate.

Let’s say that you are staying true to the no contact rule (yay) and you decide to check up on your exes Facebook profile.

While you are spying on him you learn that he has posted this status update,

Feeling kinda down today… Thinking about the past.

Immediately a shiver gets sent down your spine.

“It’s a sign,” you think to yourself.

“He’s thinking about our relationship and is getting sad.”

That’s when the “all knowing” voice in the back of your head pops up and says,

“Text him… You don’t want him to suffer any longer.”

Oh, and in case you didn’t know that “all knowing” voice in the back of your head is the voice of addiction. It’s your enemy and the number one reason for why most women break the no contact rule.

(Watch the Glenn Livingston video above for a way to beat that voice.)

Essentially every time you become obsessive about checking up on your exes profiles you are feeding your addiction, making it stronger and making it more likely that you will break the no contact rule.

So, What Are You Supposed To Do?

Well, I am not going to lie.

This puts you in a really difficult spot because I have stated that social media can be an excellent tool to get an ex back. It’s not like I want you to “unfriend” or block your ex on Facebook.

Instead, there is a nifty little button called “unfollow,”

Unfollow

By doing this you won’t unfriend or block your ex but you will remove some of the temptation to spy on him constantly. However, the number one thing you can do to fully remove the temptation is to use Glenn’s method which I talk about exclusively above.

Speaking of voices in the back of your head.

Let’s move on and talk about the next type of thought you are bound to have.

Thought #6: It Won’t Hurt If I Just Talk To Him Once…

Ahh… rationalizations.

They are dangerous.

I can’t tell you how many times a woman comments on this website saying something like,

Well, I broke the no contact rule. He texted me and I broke down and texted him back. Do I still have a chance?

To which I usually answer this person by telling them,

Yes, you still have a chance but it’s not as good as the first one.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I have never been one of those people that has been good at lying.

It is entirely possible to ruin your chances of getting your ex back but not staying true to the no contact rule. In fact, every single time that you fail at it your chances of success become smaller and smaller.

If that won’t light a fire under your a** to stay disciplined then I don’t know what will.

So, let’s talk about rationalizations for a moment.

You’ve heard me talk about the “voice in the back of your head” quite a bit today.

Why do you think that is?

Well, it’s because that voice in the back of your head is trying to convince you to break the no contact rule in any way that it can.

And it will use any means necessary to accomplish that.

Now, here is perhaps the scariest part. That voice knows you better than anyone. It follows you around day after day. It knows what makes you tick. It knows what you want. Hell, it even knows your weaknesses.

And it is going to try to rationalize you into breaking the no contact rule.

It’s going to tell you things like,

“What’s the harm in talking to him once?”

Or

“This no contact thing isn’t even working. Let’s just ditch it and do what we want.”

Oh, and in case you haven’t figured it out yet this little voice in the back of your head is the voice of addiction.

Beating The Voice Of Addiction

I may sound like a broken record here but please watch my interview with Glenn Livingston,

I keep referring to Glenn Livingston’s interview with me because it literally holds your key to success with staying on track during the no contact rule.

Look, I have already told you that when you go through a breakup you experience similar affects to your body that a drug addict would to theirs when they are going through a period of withdrawal.

Hmm…

Perhaps I need to get a bit more visual to really hammer this point home.

I am usually a very visual person so every time I read someone that makes me thing of drug addicts or drug withdrawal I have this very vivid image that pops into my head.

It’s that scene from “Walk The Line” where Johnny Cash decides to kick his drug habit and has a horrible time doing it.

He essentially looks like this,

withdrwal

For a good chunk of the movie.

Now, when he is going through this withdrawal period he is doing everything he can to find more drugs. His “voice of addiction” is trying to get him to feed the addiction.

And that’s what’s happening to you except on a smaller scale.

You see, your addiction isn’t drugs, it’s your ex.

And right now it’s one that you need to kick.

So again, watch my interview with Glenn and you will know exactly what to do.

	https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/chris-avatar.jpg	

Written by EBR Teamate

Chris Seiter

119 thoughts on “The Female Mind During The No Contact Rule”

  1. Gabrielle

    June 15, 2017 at 3:16 pm

    Hi,

    I just broke up with my bf a few days ago. We were on a long distance relationship for more than 2 years. He’s 26 years old and I am 25. One day before he told me that he wanted to break up with me, we were still on a good term. Then suddenly, i saw that he texted this girl on Instagram and deleted the message directly. I know about this message because I had access to his Instagram and I still got the notification about his message. After that, he told me that he promised he won’t contact this girl anymore. However, several hours after that I saw that he changed his Instagram password, then texted me he doesn’t love me anymore. He kept saying I am too busy with my life, until now even though we have to broke up he didn’t feel anything anymore.

    Do you think he really meant everything that he said? I am so broken right now. I kept texting him, and begging him. But he said he doesn’t even care about me anymore. If I do the no contact rule, will he talk to me again? Now he blocked me, so I cannot talk to him. Please help me?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 17, 2017 at 6:21 pm

  2. Tim

    May 27, 2017 at 1:42 am

    Saturday night had a discussion with my girlfriend we have been dating 7 months. She was wanting me to commit to marriage and I told her I was not ready yet. Then she said she could not be where I was religiously. That night she went to bed and I went to bed a couple hours later ( she had to be at work at 5). I laid next to her prayed and asked God to help her with her decision to stay with me or leave me. 4:30 in the morning she got up and defriended me and all my family and friends then left a note said we are on to separate paths. She said she loved me so much and she was sorry. Three days went by I texted her asked her what was going on, and she replied the same thing we are on two separate paths. I asked her if she was done and she replied she did not know…. and she needs time and might have not been ready. So after that I deleted all texts and phone numbers and deleted all pics. Now I am on day 1 of NC. What should I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 29, 2017 at 3:00 pm

  3. Terry

    May 3, 2017 at 9:16 am

    Hi
    Hope my comment was submitted

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 3, 2017 at 7:52 pm

      if you dont have proof let it go.. you’re just wasting energy and time about it..

  4. Terry

    May 3, 2017 at 9:13 am

    Hi?
    I keep on having this feeling that my ex used to have other girls in his life(cheating on me).I am worried that what i am feeling might be true but so far i don’t have any prove. I feel he is kinda secretive and wouldn’t talk about it even if I asked. All he will say is he is not cheating and I should trust him. I have had the feeling that he is cheating for a long time even while we were dating.
    We broke up because we fight a lot and he said he had no intention of coming back. I’m improving myself and after the article above i am willing to complete my no contact and focus on me but now I’m having the fear that he has other girls in his life. I got a conversation he was having with his guy friends only and it was nasty. They talked about girls and how they would fuck them and they said that dating is stupid. I approached him about it and he said that’s just a conversation guys have. I couldn’t trust him and I felt like he was cheating(me finding the conversation was before we broke up)
    So after we broke up i also found out that he asked my friend to find him a girl yet he said he wasn’t after sex and he’s not dating soon. I feel like he’s a player and he’s not affected by the break up because he’ll find or he already has plenty of girls. Would he even consider coming back if he does?
    Am I just worried for no reason or could it be true he is cheating as i felt he was and what should I do to not have that feeling anymore?i have no intentions of texting him coz I’m determined to make improvements on myself. Please help me know how to deal with the feeling that he may be seeing other girls already during this period I’m doing no contact. I fear him falling for other girls and even during our relationship other girls were an issue. His clique may have influenced him more that having other girls is okay but I feel bad because I love him. Help me Amor know how to deal with my situation.

  5. HP

    May 1, 2017 at 7:03 pm

    Hi Amor ,
    I’m HP the girl that said I’ll move on. I hope you remember me. Today is the 10th day of no contact period. I changed alot. I got new hair . I didn’t call my ex. And I’m Super Active on Facebook. Now I’m seeing another guy hee hee. You know ? I don’t want my ex back anymore. Coz I found someone who is much better than him. Let’s call him M.
    We’ve been texting for a week. We met once. M likes me and yep I like him hee hee. But I don’t want him to know that . Coz I don’t want to do the same mistake. I don’t want to rush into a relationship. I want to take time . I don’t want to be a desperate girl. Could you please tell me how to attrack him without letting him know that I like
    him? I’m doing the ungettable girl things but I don’t want to push him away.

    I hope you’ll reply my comment.
    Love you.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 2, 2017 at 6:39 pm

      that’s good! don’t stop improving yourself and having your own life.. have fun talks, have fun when you see each other but always leave at high point

  6. Minmoo

    April 24, 2017 at 3:54 am

    It has been a week since my ‘ex’ went NC on me. We argued over him flirting with women. I went mad. I sent a few texts asking him why are you doing this to me then ended up calling him a good 20 times, which he ignored. I sent a email asking him to stay away if he’s going to pursue other women-after the 20 phone calls. To which he did 🙁
    So who is implementing the NC and do I stay silent? I have done for a week. It’s very unusual for him as he usualy texts/emails after a few days. Please advise, thank you

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 29, 2017 at 8:16 pm

      You should start your own count and do at least 30 days.. That means being focused in healing and improving yourself for that month.

    2. Minmoo

      May 3, 2017 at 8:39 am

      Update …so he messaged 8 days later. First he asked how’s me. Then a ‘Oi’. Then asked if I’d had my results (a test I was having done) then he called me ignorant. Later on he started being explicit asking me to come over… I didn’t respond.
      He has the nerve to ask me that. I am no booty call. He is blocked on social media though I talk a bit to his mum who has no idea of what’s going on. So it’s been 2 weeks and I’m hanging on in there. I doubt I would contact him at the end of NC. No idea what to say.

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 3, 2017 at 7:49 pm

    4. Minmoo

      May 13, 2017 at 4:18 am

      Hi Amor,
      It will be 40 days NC tomorrow. I have no idea what to say/do to the subject involved. He has been in contact via text and email. Slight jibes and tactics. He even asked if we weren’t friends anymore last week.. Really not sure what to do. Any ideas, thank you.

    5. EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 13, 2017 at 2:41 pm

      did you reply? if you did, you broke nc.. if you didn’t check this one:
      EBR 053: Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message

    6. Minmoo

      June 10, 2017 at 11:21 pm

      Update***
      It’s nearly 80 days n/c. Made it and some! Ex texts every few weeks. His latest was in 6th June saying: hey worm, hope your ok lass even if you hateee me nowww xxx :}
      I hate the way he sounds so ‘happy and casual’ . I find it patronising. Is that what he’s doing or is he just saying ‘hey’ so to get a Holla back.
      Thank you…

    7. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 14, 2017 at 9:39 am

      It’s more of the later

  7. Sarah

    April 18, 2017 at 8:06 pm

    Hey, thank you for all the great advice!
    I broke up with my ex 6 weeks ago, we were happy for 8 years then started having a few arguments a few months ago and things got worse. After I calmed down I wanted to make up but my ex said; he thought it was for the best, he loves me but doesn’t want to hurt me any more and that we want different things.
    I think he’s in a rebound relationship which he wont admit to and I have turned into the crazy ex, very emotional, needy and been a real pest. He has been nothing but kind and patient until the past weekend when I pushed him too far (I got drunk).
    I text him on Sunday to apologise and he didn’t reply, I waited 24hrs then I blocked him on Facebook and WhatsApp and started NC. My question is, did I do the right thing by blocking him? I just wanted to show him, without telling him, that I am trying to get over it.
    A friend of mine spoke to him yesterday and asked how he was, he replied – awful, you don’t even wanna know.
    I take some comfort that he’s suffering too, I don’t even know if I want him back, I feel desperate and like a drug addict so I blocked him for my own sanity too … should I have left the lines of communication open, so if he reaches out I can ignore him?
    Thank you! Sarah

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 25, 2017 at 5:51 pm

      Yup, unblock him

  8. Suzanne

    February 16, 2017 at 3:38 pm

    I’m on day 22 of the 30-day NC and having a really hard time heading into this last week. My ex has texted me four times during NC– a text about a sports team we like, a “hey,” a “miss you,” and “i’m sorry. goodbye.” The last one came a week ago, and I haven’t heard from him since. What are my chances of getting a response when NC ends if he said “goodbye” because I didn’t respond?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 16, 2017 at 8:42 pm

      Hi Suzanne,

      he’s just respecting your space.. But the fact that he is curious about you during nc, gives a good chance that he will respond.

  9. Hopeless

    February 7, 2017 at 6:37 pm

    Hello, I’ve been doing the NC for 33 days out of 45, and it’s been a big challenge, especially after the 30th day. Because he hasn’t contacted me at all, he is very stubborn, I am feeling a bit hopeless yet with hope, if that makes sense, and that hope is giving me more pain, you can say that I’m in limbo, which is where I was with him before we ended our friendship/relationship. Obviously, I want to be together again with him, but it has been very difficult to move on without moving on. Perhaps because I had to make new friends, change my lifestyle, and keep improving myself (thankfully I was already doing this so it’s not new). However, I feel the pain everyday, and since last week it’s like I’m back at week 1 or 2, it did not get better except for week 3, and I think I might’ve gotten a bit obsessed. I want the pain to go away yet I want to be with him, but I’m feeling hopeless that this will actually work since he said that he and I needed to work on ourselves before being in relationships, and it’s a long term thing. Also, I think he started to move on before we ended. I need advice. At the end of the 45 days, should I just ask for my stuff back and then play it by ear but probably try harder to forget about him and go back to NC, or text him as you suggested with the first shock/awe text? I’m a very hopeful and determined person, but perhaps it’s time to give up, accept that I lost him forever. Thank you for your help!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 7, 2017 at 11:54 pm

      Hi Hopeless,

      try to rebuild rapport first.. if it doesn’t work out then continue moving on.. I think you need to go to counseling too.. Pain is ok, just dont get drowned in it..acknowledge the feeling then go back to your activity

  10. sunny

    February 4, 2017 at 6:41 pm

    hi, i been reading about nc rule and i really want to try it but do not know if it would work for me , here is what happened , its been less than a week since he broke up with me , we were ld during all the relationship , when i met him he was divorced for a year , was married for ten years and has a child , at first we used to see each other a lot , we would laugh and have fun together , he introduced me to his family and my family met him , it was all so good until a few months ago , when he stopped giving me attention , i was the one to initiate conversation i would call him almost everyday , he said one time he wanted space , this was a few weeks after he knew his daughter and exwife were moving out of the country , i gave him space , it was painful , but i did it because i love him , after that space he came back saying he wanted us to go back to normal , that he loves me and that he did not wanted to sabotage the relationship , after this he continued with his lack of commitment and attention , until we had an argument , i apologized , and he said that he was the one sorry , that he does not know what to do with the lack of commitment , that he went to bed crying because he loves me but can not stop himself from sabotaging the relationship , i said we will get through this and we will find a way , he came to my town a week before new years eve saying he wanted to spend it with me and that he wanted me to meet his daughter , before she leaves the country , he said everything was going to change , december 31st came , and he told me he would have to leave it for another day since hes got a job offer he could not turn down , i was in pain , we didnt spoke for weeks , until one day he told me he had to talk to me , he said that he loves me but that he have not moved on from his past relationship and that in the last few days he realized thats why his lack of commitment , he told me that is not he is going to stop her from moving , but he needs time to himself to think for himself , i was in shock i told him he never loved me and he said thats not true , i ask do you want me to wait , he said i would love you to do that , im so confused now i feel he is going to come back , i feel it ,but i dont know if i should try this one last thing , i want him , i love him ,but i dont know if the nc rule will work in this case , i want it to but i dont know can you give me your point of view

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 5, 2017 at 7:54 pm

      Hi Sunny,

      he wants you to wait? did he say for what and until when you should wait?

  11. Marion

    January 4, 2017 at 2:58 am

    I commented previously on the “how not to spiral” article, which was very helpful.

    I’d like some guidance on the length of no contact, and how to break it considering we’ve had contact over logistical things and he knew I was going into no-contact (except for his family).

    Dated for ~5 years, been friends for 10, lived together for 2+ years, currently long-distance for the past year. Started the relationship with a whirlwind long-distance romance where we saw each other at least once a month before I moved back to the same state.

    I apologize for how long this is.

    Where I’m at now: I know deep down that I still love him, even though all of the pain and rejection is stifling the feelings I used to feel. I remember us being incredibly happy and sharing everything together. We have a lot of history, shared values, and supportive families. We were that annoying couple that would FaceTime for hours, even if we weren’t talking. I think that our deep connection is worth giving this relationship another shot. But his resistance will be strong.

    Since I’ve had nothing to do but think during this NC period, I feel like I’ve already made significant progress in shifting my perspective, understanding my past behavior, and developing as a person. The flip side is that I’ve had very little to distract me these past 23 days so I seriously doubt I will be in the best emotional place to contact him at day 30. I’ve managed to get logistical things done through family members (like separating our phone accounts) and I have a short trip scheduled with his aunt (already paid) scheduled for NC day 40.

    The Break-up: Broke up December 9, but he stayed over (at my request – he had a backup plan in case I kicked him out) and we continued talking (mainly me just trying to process and keep asking “why why” questions, in a very calm (though teary at times), structured, and humble way). We did mellow things like work on our computers, watch TV, and just stayed in close proximity. Between our conversations he seemed to be trying to act normal, and snuggled, hugged, kissed me on the head, played with my hair…basically anything non-sexual he could do. I’m assuming he was preparing himself to never do that again. He left Dec. 11 and I repeated again that I couldn’t talk to him, I hadn’t told my family yet but they were likely to be upset about it, and that I loved him. He said something along the lines of missing my dad and step mom and didnt seem happy about it (no shit sherlock). He told me his mom wanted to keep in touch with me (“She loves you… she said she didnt care about the break-up… she surprised me, she hasnt reacted this way for any of my or my brothers’ gfs”) and he thought that I should. I told him I wanted to but didn’t think I could. We hugged for a long time, I gave him kisses on his head then a non-passionate kiss, we told each other we loved each other, then he left in tears.

    Break-Up Mistakes:
    -I unfriended him immediately
    -I told him that I probably will never talk to him again “maybe… in a year…” I was really hurting and wanted to make sure he understood the finality of his decision.
    -I brought up things I was disappointed about in the relationship
    -Even worse, the day after we broke up I sent him everything I had written “to him” up until that point which was pages and pages of my painful perspective but were ultimately negative (NOT “we belong together because”) except for some “thank yous” for good things about the relationship
    – (Maybe mistake?) He picked up (no contact) a box that I had packed with a couple things he needed but also pictures of his family, of us, and our relationship books

    Reason why we broke up: He fell out of love with me, which I inferred from our conversations. He did not say this explicitly, as he kept insisting that he still loves me, but he described this “feeling” that wouldnt go away (since shortly after he got on a SSRI), and a “gap too wide” between us where he “couldnt see a way forward.” He also tossed in “more of a best friend” in there, “not fair” to me etc etc.

    Pre-Break Up: He first started hinting at it a couple months ago under the guise of not being sure if he would move with me to a possibly new city (in TWO years). I offered couples counseling, he happily accepted, and he seemed happy after our first session. After our individual sessions and our second joint session, he suddenly asked for “No contact” for 30 days (but still in relationship) after which he said he still wanted to work on the relationship, apologized for the sudden break, and said we needed to talk about a few things “in order to cement our commitment or break up.” We met his new nephew together, then had a very long conversation where he basically listed MY behaviors that weren’t meeting his “needs” and said that he knew it was “his own work” to get over the anxiety that my behavior provoked in him. But I made clear where those behaviors came from, that I had recently identified all of them work on, and basically said I agreed with everything he was saying. He asked if I wanted to say anything about the relationship, and I brought up that we needed to have more open communication about how we were feeling in order to prevent his feelings being bottled up again. After that trip, I got very ill and we were both busy in general – there really wasn’t much romance in our communications at all. One day he was beyond thrilled about his acceptance to his dream job back in my city, few days later I was hormonal and picked a mini fight about him not wanting to take a last-minute solo vacation with me, and by the end of the week he had flown up to break-up with me.

    Reasons that probably contributed to his falling out of love:
    -I was ready for lifelong commitment early in the relationship and made that clear, but he was hot and cold
    -My “reactivity” as he calls it – I am a lot more impulsive, loud, and take over conversations compared to him
    -I didn’t realize that when he was saying something vulnerable, I wouldnt always be supportive (this may just be recently though – I was very affectionate and loving and my friends commented that he seemed to be the needy one in the relationship)
    -Social Anxiety – I apparently triggered this sometimes for him
    -He had just gotten his dream job in my city to start next fall, but I would probably have to move for my job the following summer

    His issues:
    -Anxiety (social, but probably more), depression, started getting treated with Prozac ~May/June?, finally found a therapist he likes around that same time or maybe a little later, youngest son and constantly compares himself to his oldest brother
    -Has problems with PDA and being transparent about his feelings

    My issues:
    -ADD, Depression, Anxiety. Recovering from these now, but did go on SSRIs for almost a year which made me worse then steadily better BUT with a more “whatever” attitude toward other people, some emotional numbing and unable to orgasm with my partner anymore
    -Way more trauma in my past than he does, and he knows it

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 5, 2017 at 9:29 pm

      Hi Marion,
      the basic is 30, if you need or want to extend to 45 days, that’s ok.. Just don’t stop improving yourself even while building rapport.. check this for your first contact text:
      Handling The First Time You Talk To Your Ex After The No Contact Rule (Live Coaching Session)

    2. Marion

      January 7, 2017 at 6:11 am

      Hi Amor, thanks for the link, it was helpful. Their situation seems a lot less complicated than mine though. Can I e-mail you guys about dealing with the mental illness complication, and how to navigate the fact that he has a negative, loooong PDF from me that he can look at whenever he wants to steel his “moving on” resolve? Also, it’s like he has this warped view that he’s protecting ME by breaking up, but maybe I’m misunderstanding him. Essentially, what’s the benefit of “building rapport” if my ex wanted to stay friends (I’m his best friend) but didn’t think it would be “fair to me” to stay in a relationship with me?

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 8, 2017 at 6:00 pm

      right now, you can try sending a voice mail in the contact section. It’s very important that you really change to the point that he would think you’re not the girl that wrote that pdf anymore.. that way, if you’re so different, far improved, he would want to get to know you, thus rebuilding rapport

  12. Diane

    January 3, 2017 at 8:56 pm

    Dated exclusively for 7 months. Messy breakup. First I broke up but realized less than 12 hours later that I had made a mistake. I tried to reach out and he blew me off. I did a little begging. A month later, he agreed to meet me. Told me that he never had feelings for me and thought we were just hanging out. Said at some point he realized I had feelings and he knew he was going to hurt me but he kept seeing me because he enjoyed being with me. That blew me away because he always told me that he enjoyed my company, that I was the smartest woman he’s ever been with, that sex was the best that he had ever had ( even better than with his ex, divorced 10+ years), and that we had so much in common. He went on to say that he hasn’t loved anyone since his divorce. But, asked if we could remain friends. I told him that we were friends for a year before we started dating and by being an ass, he wrecked that chance. I went no contact immediately. He kept following me on facebook and would try to engage me but, I ignored him.

    Mutual friends had a NYE party. I made it clear that I was going (facebook) and that I wanted to know if he was going because I wouldn’t go if he was. He told everyone that he wasn’t going and ultimately, showed up. The party was at a club and he spent the entire evening looking at Facebook & videos on the wall. He wouldn’t even look at me. Friends noticed and told him that I didn’t know that he was going to be there. One friend said that she has never seen him like this post breakup and that he always brushes things off. She was shocked at how week he appeard. She urged me to talk with him so, I did. He denied any weirdness & said “we’re friends, right?” I didn’t respond. I told him that I missed him and he said that he missed me too & that I looked fantastic. I gave him a hug and he responded for a min and then pushed me away. The same friend as earlier, urged me to dance with her group of friends. My ex just turned again and refused to look at me. The same friend as earlier, urged me to give him a hug and kiss at midnight. I stupidly did and he again seemed to push me away. He ran out of the party right after midnight. When I left, I noticed that he had liked all of my FB pix from the party. I resumed no contact immediately

    Today, I accidentally sent him a text that was really for a friend who also was having relationship issues & in my text, I referred to the break up. I told ex to please not respond. I then put something stupid on facebook about accidental texts/emails and despite me telling him not to respond, he just had to “like” my post.

    So, I had 2 weeks left for “no contact”. Was going to contact him on the 14th, before this happened. Should I continue the no contact longer? I don’t know what to do and his weirdness is killing me. I miss him so much and these accidental contacts are killing me.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 5, 2017 at 7:32 pm

      Hi Diane,

      I think his weirdness is a good sign because it shows he misses you.. So, try to finish no contact, don’t give in easily when he acts like that..

  13. Jasmin

    December 31, 2016 at 12:56 pm

    Hi,

    my name is Jasmin and I am 25 years old. I am writing this email to you, because in one of your videos you said that people subscribed to your youtube channel could ask you for advice (my name is: persianbeau).
    My boyfriend (25) broke up with me yesterday and everything went horribly wrong. We were both unexperienced, and it was our first relationship. We used to know each other from uni and there was always a great connection between us. We came together the 5th of January 2016, so basically one year ago, but he was in the US for his PhD, thus, being really together since the 20th of December this year. However, I visited him 3 times during his time abroad and we spent talking to each other everyday this year. When we came together, everyone was happy as we matched perfectly and we truly loved each other. With time however, we started to argue a lot (as he is Muslim and I am not, and he couldn’t cope with my lack of religion) and the last three months we had a constant on-off relationship and broke up every week. However, when he came back last week and I fetched him from the airport we wanted to start anew and I even wanted to inform myself about his religion to give us a real chance. On Wednesday everything was perfect, we were invited to a party from his old classmates and he introduced me to everyone, but when he came back to my place and he fell asleep, he was stressed out by the fact that he had to go back to his place (he lives with his religious famlily) and that they might have found out about him being at my place… .
    We met yesterday and he said he wanted to break up with me because he loves me but he is doing the wrong thing (unislamic thing) and he must stop doing this because he can’t reconcile it with his conscience. That he feels as if he is not the right person for me (although all of his friends love me and say that we fit perfectly) and that I should be with someone who can reconcile being with me with his conscience.
    I cried and asked him why because two days ago everything seemed so perfect and for me it just seemed as it was just an impulsive reaction to his stress (because one of his brothers got married the day before yesterday and he had to organize everything) but he said it is the best for both of us (but also admitting that he really thought of marrying me and he really loved me) and that I shouldn’t contact him. In the end, he kissed me on my forehead (he didn’t want to kiss me on my lips) and said that if I would become a Muslim he would be really happy (somehow he said that he would keep watching me). I said that the problem is not the religion, it never was (as he was arranged to be engaged with a Muslim girl before but he wasn’t happy either) and that it is something in himself, and that we might never see us again because I am leaving in April. He just answered ”Then it might be like that” and left.

    I am so devastated because I really love him and I waited one year to be together with him. I don’t understand why he behaves like that. I wanted to ask you whether the no-contact-method would be applicable here and if we have a chance coming back together?

    I haven’t texted him yet, neither has he.

    Thank you so much
    Jasmin

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 1, 2017 at 6:50 pm

      Hi Jasmin,

      Give him a few days to cool down first and then talk..if it doesn’t work out after that, try the no contact period

  14. Olivia

    December 28, 2016 at 5:29 am

    Its been a week since I started the no contact. It’s tough during the process but somehow i feel better than before. when i initiated to my ex that i wanna back off (no contact) for a while, he thought i am very childish (coz he thinks it’s a way for me to cut off things if it doesnt turn out sth i like). we broke up around a month ago, we still contacted each other daily, even i didnt find him, he would find excuse to talk to me too. we would meet up sometimes as well. i really want to say it’s not healthy, i can feel we both r very fragile, and he admitted that he’s trying to be very careful about what he said so make sure he wouldnt hurt me again. to be honest i was feeling very frustrated and fragile during that month.
    i can feel mentally i am really really tired, and i know i really need to do something for myself, healing is part of it. although he thinks no contact is not a wise thing to do, somehow i think we both need a break and get rid of our negative energy btw us. so i insist. i hope he could understand.
    the reason that we broke up was he thinks im too emotional, like crying easily. i always know i hv this problem. so i start taking meditation classes and see if this is a way to help me to deal better with emotion and make myself calm. So far, it’s working.
    i know i should start the NC as early as possible, i hope i m not too late to start now. according to my emotional status today, I think maybe 2-3 weeks later I should feel quite good. I will see by that time if I am okay to contact him again. from now on, I would think myself more, because you can’t rely your happiness on someone, we should make ourselves happy. I understand there’s a chance that we couldn’t get back together, but I have to accept it and move on to something/someone more suitable for me.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 30, 2016 at 4:13 am

      Hi Olivia,

      try doing a 30 day nc since you kept talking to him after the break up..

    2. Olivia

      January 18, 2017 at 2:15 am

      i finally finished the NC and started texting him. my first message was about myself got a new job offer and he was very happy for me. he replied within seconds! before i was kind of worried that he got some negative feeling about NC. when i was texting him, he was on business trip, and he kept the conversations going on and replied sooo quickly, which he never did. (he’s a workaholic, when he’s working abroad, he usually just ignores me). i was very surprised. maybe NC really makes him miss me a bit. haha

      it’s been around a week since we start talking, i try not to talk to him like everyday. before i thought the NC is the hardest thing to do, however, now it’s even harder. it’s hard to balance emotionally and need to control myself of not being too pushy. all his responses are positive, he also tries to initiate some conversations too (but usually i initiate first). if i initiate more, would he feel like i am trying too hard?

      he did say should celebrate of me getting a new job, and now i hope that he would ask me for dinner/meet up soon. i know i can’t be pushy. i can feel our conversations is not as fun as before, maybe i am too nervous that i might say something wrong again and make him feel pressures. how to improve my current status?

      Thank you.

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 18, 2017 at 6:52 pm

      what’s more important is that you’re the one ending the conversations at high point.. if you’ve been texting fir two weeks, try to transition a text to calls

    4. Olivia

      February 15, 2017 at 12:14 am

      After the NC, he suggested to meet up, I was thinking to just grab a drink, instead he planned a pretty romantic dinner. It was a good night. After that, we keep the conversations like everyday. After that dinner, We haven’t met for almost 3 weeks, until Monday. Before Valentine’s Day, we had dinner again, I gave him the Valentine’s gift and he seems like it. Although we do sweet stuffs sometimes, I know we are not back as couple yet. I just have 3 questions, the time frame btw meet up should be shorten? Coz I think now we are not tense anymore. Also, if he didn’t ask me out, can I ask first? Or how to let him do the chasing?

    5. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 15, 2017 at 5:51 pm

      don’t stop doing your activities.. have good talks first before asking so, that when you ask, it’s not awkward. You have to guage it by feel if it’s the right time to ask, but yes, you can meet sooner than 3 weeks again..

  15. Katie

    December 22, 2016 at 9:53 am

    Hi I would like to share my experience and what went through my mind while implementing no contact.

    Once I realized, this is a man I would do anything just to have a second try. I started to prepare myself and do my best to think logically. I thought, what I tried didn’t work, clearly i needed a different approach. This convinced me that stopping all contact would be the best chance I got. I understand that I needed time and space to heal, and I should give him time and space to think too. So that in case if we do get back together, there is a better chance it wouldn’t be a rash decision.

    [Timing]

    First thing I do during the no contact, was to determind when should I end it. Going into NC is hard already, setting a date makes it feels like there is an end to this.

    Why 37 days? I thought, when I do reach out, I want to have the best advantages.

    I went through 3 different ex back products (including Ex boyfriend recovery Pro of course!) and the most important thing about the first contact message is to make it interesting and it needs to have a point. So I set this first contact date to be just a few days before Christmas, so I could use this as an excuse to send a merry christmas text. and hey, Christmas time/End of the year is a good time for people to reflect and make peace with people. The holiday spirits may rubs off a bit to keep him in a good friendly mood!

    Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro also helped a lot in understanding the psychology of NC. Understanding it takes 2-3 weeks for men to begin process their feelings helped me sticking with my plan. I read some ex reached out right around 30 days. So I decided that I can use a few extra days to let more dust settle.

    [What happened during the no contact]

    The first two weeks, it was tough. If we normally can experience sad to happiness level on a scale of 1 to 10, these two weeks was like a -3. I got to experience a different kind of sadness and depression that I didn’t think I could feel.

    I cried everyday, lost appetite, didn’t want to get out of bed. I told myself it is OK to be sad for now, and I let myself to stay in a mess. ONLY because I know I need to go through this, let those emotions out, before I could pick myself up again. Also, understanding why I’m hurting is very important (some youtube video helped). During this two weeks, having a supportive friend was essential. So every time when there is something I want to say to my ex, I would talk to my friend about it instead.

    I would also write things out, to myself. Writing what went through my mind, helped to clear some thoughts. I would write out what happened, defending myself, debating with myself, write out pros and cons of the relationship, and what I wanted to say to him.

    I also took the time to craft the best possible first contact message, using my knowledge about my ex and everything I learned from these 3 ex back products. I would edit and improve it every time I got a new idea from reading it. So I know when the time come, I know I have my best shot ready. This is one of the few comforting thoughts I have during NC.

    Then I would also prepare myself for conversations that may come next. I believe that being prepared is the best in dealing with an ex. So I think of what if he respond poorly and angrily? What if he doesn’t reply? I ran all different scenarios through my head and think of how should I respond to have the least damage.

    By week 3 and 4, my emotion went back from a -3 to a 2. Still sad and hurt, but I know I was in a better state. I started to let things go a bit, accepting that if things won’t turn out the way I want, it is ok, Maybe it is for the better.

    I started getting curious on what might be going through his mind. Apart from reading everything I could google and every related article on EBR, i started reading horoscope. I’m normally not a very superstitious person, but when you are done with every logical approach, it doesn’t hurt to look at the unscientific stuff.

    During this state of no contact, I wanted to know everything possible. I want to know what he was thinking so I can know if i still have a chance. But since it was in the middle of no contact, and I’m not on his facebook and we don’t share mutual friends…. the only comfort I can see would be reading his horoscope. Of course, it helps when the stars are saying he was having a sad moment because of a love situation….or it says he was reminiscing the past.

    I also learned a thing about “Mercury retrograde”. For those who believe in astrology, it is a time when people think about the past and ex’es pops up. And the date I selected for first contact, happens to be when Mercury turns retrograde. I thought…. WHAO even the stars are aligned for me. I MUST stick to this 37 days of NC.

    Then I also got back into Tarot cards, doing readings for myself. It isn’t about “telling the future” that type of thing, but more about seeing advice and give myself a better understanding on why i’m feeling this way.

    [Conclusion]
    I did everything I could to feel better:
    1. support system form best friends,
    2.take my time to heal by accepting the situation and understanding why I should do NC.
    3. Learn as much as I can to give myself the best advantages when I reach out. ( this really helps to keep a bit of hope. Of couse, have to be realistic that not everything is guaranteed.)
    4. I can vouch and saying that week 1 to 3 really isn’t a good time to contact my ex. By week 4 and 5, I was feeling like a different person. I wasn’t desperately wanting to hear from him.

    [Result]
    I have contacted him, and his response was so much better than I ever expected. It will probably takes another few weeks to see how things turn out. we may or we may not get back together. But at least I think I have a good start here.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 27, 2016 at 10:04 am

      Hi Katie,

      That’s good that you improved yourself..did you text him again?

    2. Katie

      December 27, 2016 at 2:31 pm

      Hi Amor, Yes I did text him with a thought-out text, and he responded very positively. In fact, he asked me out just 4 days after, and we had a great time together 🙂 I think there are few things that worked for me:

      1. Stick to the no contact (unless the ex contact you. In my case, he didn’t, so I reached out first.)
      2. Spend the no contact time to prepare yourself and plan every step out.
      3. Use your knowledge of your ex and the relationship: Don’t blindly use every strategy in a book. I didn’t stop the first contact text conversation right away. But I felt the text conversation was going back and forth very positively, so I kept it going but not overboard. At the end of that first contact conversation, he suggested the possibility of doing something together the following week. (Though that plan was changed and he asked to meet up earlier instead.)

      Right now, I’m feeling there is a bit of hot and cold attitude coming from my ex, which is expected and understandable. I didn’t think he would jump right back in. So I have a good start at getting back with him, but I know it doesn’t mean all is safe and it can take just one misstep for m to blow it. There is a lot of guide and great advice for during the no contact period, and how to handle first text, first call, first meet up….. However, there are a lot less advice and emphasis on what to do after you made it through the door for an initial meet up. And as we know, getting to the first meet up doesn’t mean we are back together, and doesn’t mean i must get a second date. I feel there is still a lot going through my ex’s mind. I’m still worried that what if he is doubting his decision of meeting with me again.

      So, it would be great if Chris can talk about what are guys thinking at that stage (after first contact, but before got back together), and what would help to encourage the guy to be more willing to give the relationship a another chance 🙂

      Thanks.

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 29, 2016 at 11:49 am

      Most of the time it’s when they see you in a new light.. when they cant see the old you and becomes interested and attracted to the new you.. but I’ll suggest that to Chris. Thank you! You might want to check this one too:
      The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule

  16. Pari

    December 4, 2016 at 5:38 pm

    Hi,
    My ex and I dated for a couple months after being friends for a few months. We became friends a few months after he and his girlfriend of a year and a half broke up. It was long distance. We drove 3 hours to see each other, I met his best friends, and we talked about vacations and so forth. Three weeks ago, we got into a little fight because I was questioning his interest in me. He sent me flowers to apologize. A couple weeks ago, he decided he wanted to focus on getting into grad school and his work and that he doesn’t want to date anyone right now. He said he was going to ask me to be his gf officially when he sent the flowers, but he couldn’t do it. When I asked if he still had feelings for his ex, he said yes, but he has no intension of getting back together with her. A week ago, he found out he’ll be going to Germany for three months for work. He has been distant for the last couple weeks and told me “it just happens.” It took me a while to open up to the idea of dating him in the beginning, because he had gone through a recent breakup and I wanted to focus on school, but he convinced me to trust him. And now that he wants to focus on himself, he wants nothing to do with me anymore. It’s hard not talking to someone you’ve talked to everyday for the past 5 months. I’ve tried to implement no contact to move on. But I’ve failed this entire past week. I’ve been working out, eating healthy, focusing on school, and myself, but I’m still very sad/hurt/confused.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 5, 2016 at 11:54 am

      Hi Pari,

      if he’s set in making his studies a priority, then use no contact to get used to not talking to him.. it will take time.. that’s just really how it is.. if you want, you can stay friends with him instead.

  17. Leanna

    December 4, 2016 at 12:09 pm

    Hi, i added a comment yesterday but i dont see it?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 4, 2016 at 3:01 pm

      Hi Leanna,

      it went through but I’ll just copy my answer there here..

      It can be a good sign.. He maybe thought you would have initiated by now, so he reacted that way and thought it can get a reaction from you..

  18. Leanna

    December 3, 2016 at 9:34 pm

    Hi there. I am currently on day 37 of No contact with my ex. He broke up with me 38 days ago on the phone. we had a few arguements prior to the break up but nothing that couldnt be fixed. He is the type of person however that does not like any uncertainty. 5 days after the break up he deleted me off facebook and put up that he was single. He has since then posted up many pics of him out socializing and writing up things that i no are a direct dig at me. I sense there is alot of anger from him. He even recently deleted pics of us off his social media. He is adding alot of girls on his social media. I really dont understand why he is angry and behaved like this. just the day before we broke up he told me that he wanted us to get married etc..I I havent broken the NC, however i had to block him on social media to save myself some heart ache from his actions. I have posted a few snaps of myself out but nothing to rub his nose in it. Please can you shed some light into his behaviour?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 4, 2016 at 3:01 pm

      Hi Leanna,

      It can be a good sign.. He maybe thought you would have initiated by now, so he reacted that way and thought it can get a reaction from you..

    2. Leanna

      December 4, 2016 at 9:37 pm

      Why do you think he might still be angry for? My friends have said that they have seen him writing about his social events, like boasting that he is out. Is this attention seeking? Its nearly 6 weeks since we spoke. what are the chances of him contacting me at this stage when he is still angry? Ive already read the post about the angry ex. Infact, id say ive read this whole website trying to get an insight into his behaviour. I dont understand how a man can tell you one day that he wants to get married then the next finish it and behave immaturely after it.

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 5, 2016 at 12:03 pm

      it can be ego.. he’s expecting you to reach out first, he’s pride might be preventing him from reaching out, and he knows you’re subdominant to him, so getting angry might get a reaction from you. It’s unlikely that he will contact you if he’s being like that, just let him cool down.. let him realize you’re not going to reach to his immature moves.. because it’s like rewarding that behavior.

    4. Leanna

      December 5, 2016 at 5:25 pm

      even at 39 days he still hasnt cooled down. Is it usual for a man to stay angry? Do they calm down? Yes i dont think i should contact him first especially after all his immature behaviour.

    5. Leanna

      December 6, 2016 at 7:58 pm

      Update. Now his mother has deleted me off social media. His anger is clearly projecting onto other people. I havent done a thing but no contact to entice this.

    6. Leanna

      December 7, 2016 at 11:29 pm

      hi have u received my reply?

    7. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 8, 2016 at 9:55 pm

      Yes, sorry for the reply. I haven’t reached yours yet. If he’s really stubborn he’s anger can really last, especially if he really wanted you to initiate and if he’s pissed because you don’t seem to be affected. You said he’s been posting a lot since nc, so, it’s like a competition of who among the two of you will give in first. I’m not saying you should compete with him. I think 45 days is long enough.. Actually that’s usually the longest we recommend. If you want, you can initiate after 45 days, to cut this cycle. If he doesn’t respond, just don’t initiate again for a week before trying again.

  19. JS

    December 3, 2016 at 6:45 pm

    Hi, you’re website is so helpful. Thank you for all your work!

    I need major advice how to move forward! Be warned, my situation is a bit long…. My bf has low self-esteem from his past which gave him major jealousy and insecurity issues. He also can get very depressed and beat himself down. We dated for about 6 months and it was very passionate and intense, there was much love and a deep connection on all levels… sexually, spiritually, emotionally and intellectually.

    I inadvertently added fuel to his insecurity and pain, because I once said something positive about my ex-husband early on in our relationship that was misintepreted and my bf took it to mean I didn’t think he was an amazing person or that I desired him the most. He became jealous of my ex-husband. I also one day while with I was with him I responded to a text from a guy I had previously dated. He asked me if i’d slept with that person before I met him and I lied and said no because I was afraid of what he’d think. When I later told him the truth, that I had slept with this person (mind you it was before we met) he flipped out and lost all trust in me. I apologized profusely but he didn’t seem to accept it.

    He tried to hold on, but his insecurity grew to the point where he was uncomfortable going out in public with me for fear I was looking at other men or thought he wasn’t “the one”. There were many accusations and fights all rooted in his jealousy but I NEVER once betrayed him. I feel he is an amazing and beautiful person and I am deeply in love with him.

    At 7 months he said he needed space to work on himself. Kept saying he was not worthy, wasn’t relationship material because of his issues, and needed to resolve some personal situations from his past (family and ex-gf with child). He told me he couldn’t be devoted to me, or relied upon, and that we were not together anymore.

    I tried to give him space, but I was heartbroken, we both broke the NC rule many times including being physical… then he started getting really evasive hiding his phone and any personal details of his whereabouts, making new friends I’d never heard of before and I started getting suspicious. Turns out he had begun sleeping with someone else after we broke up. I found out by seeing texts between them on his phone. He said he wasn’t with anyone else and denied it at first. I freaked out calling him a cheater and a liar and threw him out of my house. He later said it was true he was seeing someone but it was just physical and also he didn’t feel it was cheating since we were broken up. He said he didn’t owe me any explanation because we weren’t an official couple anymore.

    I was utterly devastated and so I did horrible things, sent him a barrage of emails and texts and FB messages that he wasn’t a good person, he was unstable with low morals, and a liar for not telling me he was with another. I also lied in an email and said I’d slept with another (to make him jealous)… I also insulted parts of his body and really damaged his self-worth and feeling of security of about what I truly thought of him. None of the mean things I said were in any way true, I was just so incredibly blinded by anger and fear that I was losing him and that he’d been with another. It was the lowest thing I’d ever done in my life.

    He then left the area for about two weeks to take care of personal things and said goodbye. We had NC during this time… but on his way back to town he texted that he missed me and knew he loved me. We talked a lot and tried to resolve things. He apologized for being with another woman and I accepted his apology. I apologized for my anger and previous behavior but I don’t think he fully accepted it.

    We then got back together I thought things were going well. Then he started getting depressed and the cycle of fear started again. He said he felt he couldn’t be relied upon because he wasn’t worthy, couldn’t support anyone – family friends or me, and felt suffocated and in fear in relationships, and that my love wasn’t true for him.

    Arguments started again about jealousy of others (that didn’t exist) and the push and pull pattern began again – he’d say “I love you” with real passion and then the next day “I can’t do this”. It was a rollercoaster. During all this I made the mistake of trying to defend and got angry for being accused and also walked on eggshells choosing my words carefully so as not to damage his pride or ego. I knew he loved me and was struggling inside to find self-worth and security and I was trying everyday I could to show him I could be trusted and that I was devoted to him.

    Then something really bad happened. He re-opened his FB account and sitting there waiting for him were some of the old angry messages I’d sent months ago where I’d lashed out and insulted him. It brought everything racing back up inside him … he got very depressed and stressed and angry at me that I could have ever said those things. There were many arguments. I explained that I sent them because of my fear and anger that he’d lied and that none of it was true and it was in the past! But he’d totally lost all confidence in my words and wouldn’t accept my remorse or apology.

    He said again “I need space to work on myself and my anger” but after one week I broke the NC rule and pushed him and said to just break up with me if he didn’t love me. I was frustrated to be in the gray area. Many phone calls and texts between us I kept pushing him until finally he said “Ok then we are broken up, I can’t do it goodbye”.

    Yet, I still didn’t give him space…. For about 3 days I kept fighting for him and reminded him of how great he is and our amazing connection and times together, begged him not to leave, and to see that I really did love him and that I’d never betray him. I humiliated myself, kept sending messages and calling, apologizing, pleading, cried..and so on. After 3 days he’s stopped responding to all my contact. I know I pressured him too hard to stay in it and fight for us, until he broke.

    So today is day 4 and I am determined to do the NC rule and take time for myself to heal all the accusations and pain from our past and allow him time to heal and work on himself too.

    He has a lot to work on inside and my being in his life is just a reminder of his fears now. I know he loves me deeply, but is also angry and in pain and needs time to find his self-worth. But I’m afraid he’s doing everything not to deal with the pain and just burying his head in the sand and being alone.

    He never blocked my contact, so I’m sure I could still email, text or call, but I won’t. But now here’s my dilemma I’m not sure if he’s truly broken us up for good and will never want to see me again because I drove him to that point… or if space will allow him to miss me and contact me and possibly consider reconciliation.

    Also note that we don’t live in the same area (he lives an hour and 1/2 away) so we wont run into each other at public places, we also aren’t connected online anywhere, so during this time he won’t see that I’m moving on, improving myself and doing fine, or that I am happy living my life without him. So I’m not sure how he’ll see that or even be curious what I’m doing or miss me.

    So knowing all this, I have these 4 questions:

    1. Did I damage things so far that he’s gone and I should move on?
    2. How long should I maintain the NC rule? Our situation seems like it should be longer than the standard 30 days given his personal issues and my pushing him so hard in the end, but I don’t want to wait too long to where there’s no chance at reconciliation again. How long should I wait to contact?
    3. What is the best way and type of message to send him when the period is over?
    4. If he contacts me during NC and I don’t respond, do I start the NC clock over again?

    Thank you,
    JS

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 4, 2016 at 10:41 am

      Hi Js,

      your comments have been going to spam.. Dont worry, I haven’t replied because I haven’t reached yours yet.

      Stay active in posting on social media, make it public. So, that even if he used any account he will see it. After this, if you get back together erase your messages before. Dont reply right ahead if he texts..unless he says he wants you back..if you didn’t respond, you dont have to restart the count.. Do 30 days..

  20. gerala

    December 3, 2016 at 6:40 pm

    ok so if i’m dfeeling

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 4, 2016 at 2:14 pm

      Hi Gerala,

      what are you feeling?

  21. Leana

    December 3, 2016 at 1:42 am

    Recently reconnected with my ex who broke up with me 6 months ago. He texted out of the blue and asked how things were going. Said he still loves me and that I am beautiful and wonderful. Then he asked if I wanted to start talking again. I still have some feelings for him so I agreed.

    He calls once a week but mostly we text. For usually 2 days a week he spends all evening texting. I started noticing after 2 weeks of this he would just suddenly ghost from some conversations. Like not reply to what I asked or said. I would wait a day or two but because nothing came I just went ahead and sent him a text. He always answers fairly quickly and we text for a while.

    It is sort of on and off with the consistency. I realize people work and have other things going on in their lives but someone it feels like a game or something. I always say I have to go when I am done with a conversation so the person is not left hanging and waiting.

    I am not sure what to do. I brought it up with him once before and he said sorry but would just go right back to ghosting a text conversation.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 3, 2016 at 3:38 pm

      Hi Leana,

      did he say why? Do you want to try the no contact rule?

  22. Gina

    December 1, 2016 at 10:35 pm

    Hello people. I need some advice.
    I broke up with my bf 4 weeks ago. After 3 years together. He texted me for the past weeks but I didn’t see him work hard to get us back together. I got so sick and tired from his pointless text that I changed my number. I hoped that now he could really start missing me and work hard to get in touch with me. He has no social media and I blocked my own accounts. I’m wondering.. Do you guys think he will try to reach out? He knows where I live, he has my parents phone numbers.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 2, 2016 at 4:51 pm

      Hi Gina,
      why did you break up?

  23. Jane

    November 30, 2016 at 4:11 pm

    After dating 2 years and talk of marriage, he broke up with me. After 8 months not talking and having another girlfriend, he came back. We make progress slowly, then he starts seeing the same girl again along with me, claiming he’s stuck and can’t figure out what’s best for him.
    Things progress between us a GREAT deal since then. We go on a trip with friends. We have a fantastic time together. Things are looking really great and I can tell he still loves me. After the trip he’s wonderful for maybe a week then starts fading away again. After a month I have to know what’s going on and ask if he made his decision or if he’s still stuck?
    He tell me to do what’s best for me. He’ll be happy for me if I move on. He doesn’t see a future with me, he hasn’t forgiven my mom for no accepting him in the first place, he’s not financially able to support anyone at this time. Because he didn’t see a future with me (or the other girl), he went and gave his first time to someone else after our trip, and she’s pregnant. He tells me maybe I don’t love him, maybe it’s just infatuation because he showed me more attention than anyone else at the time. His phone dies, and he doesn’t try calling back or texting. So I text saying he knows that isn’t true, that it’s love. That I won’t fight for him this time since he doesn’t want me to, and anything after this is up to him.
    He sounds terrible breaking it down like that.. but he’s not. I feel like he gave his first time to someone else because of depression about his whole situation. Will NC still work on this situation? If so how long should I do it?? If he has a baby on the way… He’s just so stubborn! I can’t see him talking to me even after NC because of this situation. I sound pathetic I know. But I truly love him.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 30, 2016 at 10:27 pm

      Hi Jane,

      there’s not guarantee that the no contact rule will work but if you will do it, do at least 45 days..

    2. Jane

      December 3, 2016 at 1:30 am

      If after the 45 days I still want to try to get him back, it would still be okay for me to contact him first? Even though I said anything after this was up to him?

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 3, 2016 at 3:34 pm

      Actually, the more pressing matter is his baby.. Wmif he decides to be just a father and not a partner to the other girl then slowly build rapport..

  24. Susie

    November 29, 2016 at 11:20 pm

    Hi.. i have to have contact cause of 3 small kids.. i cut him off from the phone. If we talk its through text. Im short to the point and always about kids. Pic of kids n so on. We live in different cities. When he calls i simply pass the phone to the kids. They talk.. then he asks to speak to me i hang the phone up. He calls i dont answer he texts n says i need to talk to u. Call me. Or im on my lunch let me talk to u. I dont reply. What do i do. Keep it like this? Oh n by the way he has a so called girlfriend from Facebook she lives far from him. But they have been in contact off n on for 5 years.

    1. Chris Seiter

      November 30, 2016 at 1:35 am

      Hi there Susie!

      Seems like you are approaching no contact the right way. Now, I want to say that this isn’t a forever type of a deal.

      Eventually you can talk to him again.

      How long have you made your no contact?

  25. India

    November 25, 2016 at 12:15 am

    Hi, my ex broke up with me just coming up 3 months ago, he ignored me and was horrible at first but then started talking to me again. I never sucseeed at the no contact rule and we chatted, met up, slept together on different occasions. We never didn’t speak or at least contact in some tiny way for more than 2 days. Now I’m here, a day ago a met with him as he wanted to meet me and we spoke about things and he told me that he didn’t want to get back together, obv still wanted to sleep with me and be friends with benfits, he told me I was horrible in the relationship and I can admit I was to some extent but he was too and we never cheated etc just argued about stupid things and I don’t think he trusted me but I really don’t know why and it hurt me a lot. But yer I really just need some advice on what to do now, I really do want him back and to try again but I’m worried I’ve left it too long and he openly told me he was texting someone but it was just a friend and she annoys him because she always texts him but my gut tells me that’s probly not the case and he got mad when I kept asking questions. I feel Like an idiot, I just really need some advice on what to do to get him back. I’m also going away for a long weekend in a week witch he knows about and I’m worried that if I’m doing no contact he will get mad and say he won’t speak to me again etc and do it back to me. I’m worried that’s going to push him away further because it’s nearly been 3 months
    Thankyou

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 27, 2016 at 11:33 am

      Hi India,

      first, stop sleeping with him. Second, do you want to restart the count for no contact rule? I think you should do 45 days..

  26. India

    November 25, 2016 at 12:11 am

    Hi, my ex broke up with me just coming up 3 months ago, he ignored me and was horrible at first but then started talking to me again. I never sucseeed at the no contact rule and we chatted, met up, slept together on different occasions. We never didn’t speak or at least contact in some tiny way for more than 2 days. Now I’m here, a day ago a met with him as he wanted to meet me and we spoke about things and he told me that he didn’t want to get back together, obv still wanted to sleep with me and be friends with benfits, he told me I was horrible in the relationship and I can admit I was to some extent but he was too and we never cheated etc just argued about stupid things and I don’t think he trusted me but I really don’t know why and it hurt me a lot. But yer I really just need some advice on what to do now, I really do want him back and to try again but I’m worried I’ve left it too long and he openly told me he was texting someone but it was just a friend and she annoys him because she always texts him but my gut tells me that’s probly not the case and he got mad when I kept asking questions. I feel so stupid even writing this message I just really need some advice on what to do to get him back.
    Thankyou

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 27, 2016 at 11:33 am

      Hi India,

      first, stop sleeping with him. Second, do you want to restart the count for no contact rule? I think you should do 45 days..

  27. Shattered

    November 24, 2016 at 8:38 pm

    Hi,

    I’ve posted on here before.
    My boyfriend of ten months and I were trying to work things out, because he was unsure of our future due to cultural and religious differences. He was making more of an effort with me up until a few days ago..he found out he may not get permanent residency here in Australia unless he moves to another state for three years..even then it’s not guaranteed. He first of all said we needed some time and he couldn’t see me right now cos it was too hard..I refused to accept this due to high emotions and begged him to try. I said we would find a way together, even if I moved with him and he kept saying “I can’t take you with me, this is fate” blah blah. He made me feel guilty for falling in love with him after 5 months into our relationship and wasn’t the compassionate loving person I fell for. I ended up deleting his number and said unless he’s gonna contact me to try with us to not contact me again.

    My question Amor/Chris, is How does No contact work if they came up with it on their own? How can you make it work in your favour? He’s made it clear his life is in turmoil and he can’t speak with me right now and I’m not sure if time will give him reason to miss me enough to find a solution since I’m willing, or confirm his decision was right.

    Please help.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 27, 2016 at 9:55 am

      Hi Shattered,

      The only way it can help increase your chances is if you improve yourself. So, in that way, if he sees you’ve moved on, doesn’t care, and improving, it can increase the chances of him regretting leaving you.

    2. Shattered

      November 27, 2016 at 7:15 pm

      Yes but the problem is, he won’t know if I’ve improved myself because as part of NC I blocked his Facebook and deleted his phone number. The only way he can contact me is if he does the calling/texting or tries to visit me.

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 28, 2016 at 6:45 pm

      You need to unblock him. Just dont send a friend request.. If you cant unblock him now, make your posts public..

    4. Shattered

      November 29, 2016 at 3:54 am

      But he still has my phone number, is that good enough? Like he can contact me on that. Also as I was putting his stuff in the bin, there was a car identical to his outside my apartment building and although I couldn’t see clearly due to the tinted glass…I could see a person smoking(he smokes). Then once I put the stuff in the rubbish the car was gone. It may not have been him, but there’s a lot of similarities and he knows I have this particular day off.

    5. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 29, 2016 at 7:48 pm

      Yeah, that’s alright. But make your posts public.. Let’s say that’s not him, so you don’t expect much and not over think

  28. Ariana

    November 24, 2016 at 7:54 pm

    My bf of six months broke up with me last week. When we started our relationship he said he wasn’t ready for a serious committed relationship. When I found this out I decided to walk away, but he didn’t want to let me go and decided to give it a go. After that initial conversation our relationship was perfect! He became extremely committed and loving, we traveled together and never ever fought. We were going through a period of long distance (3 months), we made it through a month before I started feeling like we were drifting apart. I tried to push a conversation and to understand whether he wanted me to come and be with him for a while during the time that he had to be away. During this conversation he revealed that he very much wanted me to be there but that it wouldn’t work out financially. I got the impression that he didn’t necessarily want me there. Eventually he said that although he loved me very much he felt that I was in a different place in the relationship than he, that in a few months I would want to get married and he wasn’t ready for that and that he felt trapped. That although our relationship has been perfect he didn’t want to be in a committed relationship anymore. So we called it quits. The next day he wrote to me to see how I was and to let me know that he wanted me to know that I will always be a part of him and he will forever remember the things we’ve experienced together, and that he hoped I would be able to stay in his life but not on a romantic level. The next day I told him that I would not be just friends with him. I haven’t heard from him since, More than anything I want him to change his mind and say he wants me back. I feel like if it weren’t for the distance this would have never happened. I was feeling insecure in the relationship while he was gone and maybe became needy and clingy. What do I do??? Is there any way to change his mind??

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 26, 2016 at 10:41 pm

      Hi Ariana,

      It’s good that you’re staying strong now in not contacting him.. Check this one:
      What Makes An Ex Boyfriend Change His Mind About The Breakup?

    2. Ariana

      November 27, 2016 at 1:55 pm

      Thanks Amor for your response.
      He actually did contact me the next day to tell me how important I was to him and that he hoped we could maintain some sort of communication, but that he thinks breaking up was the right decision.
      I have not responded as I am trying to complete the 30 day of NC.
      Do you think there is a chance that these 30 days will make a difference to his opinion? I have already read the article you suggested.

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 28, 2016 at 5:48 pm

      I think so.. Increase it by improving yourself while he will still miss you

    4. Ariana

      December 2, 2016 at 1:41 pm

      Still holding strong with no contact (week and a half in).
      He recently contacted me a few days ago saying we could speak the next day if I wanted. I never expressed any desire to speak with him and made it clear despite his intention that we stay friends that I was not interested in that and that there was nothing left to say on the matter. Why would he want to speak? Should I still continue no cotact? He’s not a competitive person and doesn’t like competitions, what if he doesn’t try contacting me again?

    5. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 2, 2016 at 7:38 pm

      He probably wont out if respect but if he’s just going to friendzone you in that talk, dont respond.. If he really wants you back, he’ll say it..

  29. Eliz

    November 23, 2016 at 5:02 am

    I was in a relationship with him for 7 years but we are actually childhood friends. So basically, I have been knowing him for more than 15 years. After being together for 1.5 years, I moved to another country due to work and family commitment. So we were actually in LDR most of the time for this entire relationship but we were very good, we made efforts to meet often, we planned trips and so on. He loves me but things changed when you know, in LDR, I am always emotional and I will say hurtful words like breaking up, I don’t need you, I am independent, please let me go etc., all the nonsense. He has been very patience and always give me assurance about our future. We have plan that I will return after we get married. But he just recently asked for breaking up (in fact, it is the very 1st time he asked for it) after our last argument in which i cried and begged for letting me go. Things are more complicated because I think he is also seeing someone else. I am very very upset because I feel like I am the one that pushes him away and now I regret for all the words I have said. I want him back so much, I want another chance to work things out between us. I am on this NC rule. He is not texting me though. I do not know what should I do or what I can do to win his heart back.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 25, 2016 at 7:49 pm

      HI eliz

      what do you mean that he is seeing someone else? You kept in touch even after breaking up? Are you actively improving yourself?

    2. Eliz

      November 26, 2016 at 2:55 am

      No, we are not contacting each other at all. I know that he is seeing someone (before we broke up) because I found out that he has been hanging out closely with a female friend and I even saw their pictures in his phone. I am trying to improve myself but I can’t even concentrate on my work. I miss him and I love him so much that I do not want to give up on us.

    3. Eliz

      November 26, 2016 at 3:03 am

      I know many of you will think that it is not worth getting him back if he has changed or he is seeing someone else already. But I know how much he loved me, I asked for letting me go when we last argued and he must be too guilty to face me too, that was why he made such decision. He told me that it could probably be better for both of us.

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 27, 2016 at 7:58 pm

      I think you need to check this one:
      The Grass is Greener Syndrome For Ex Boyfriends

    5. Eliz

      December 6, 2016 at 12:15 am

      Yes, I have read that. My heart is broken into pieces, i thought during this NC period, he would’ve regretted or started to miss me but I still see his pictures with his friends and that girl on FB hanging out. I feel like I do not have any chance anymore! Even his family is against it too, he just doesn’t listen to anyone. What should I do?

    6. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 9, 2016 at 1:45 am

      Well, the no contact rule is just to help increase the chances, and the change has to be continued even after it. They can be in a honeymoon phase too and the more that other people will be against his decision, the more he will try to prove it, like rebelling. And the fact that you’ve known in each for a long time, it’s just not realistic for him to think you have changed just after 30 days.. But at some point, if you haven’t initiated, you have to try to initiate too. If you want, do it after 45 days of no contact.

    7. Eliz

      December 9, 2016 at 5:27 am

      You are right, the more ppl against it, the more rebellious he would be, so I am really not doing anything right now. Just healing myself and at the same time, his family leave it to his family to look after him. Even though I am very disappointed to see the changes in him, I am still having faith that he will wake up one day. He has been such a good man. Do you mean I should take the initiative to talk to him again after 45 days of NC?

    8. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 12, 2016 at 7:21 pm

      Yeah, but by then he should think that you’re starting to move on, that you have changed so that he would think you’re just being friendly

  30. Lianne

    November 23, 2016 at 12:27 am

    I need some help with no contact when we are both members of a very active social circle.

    He broke up with me a few weeks ago saying he had a ‘gut feeling’ but couldnt (or wouldnt) elaborate further. He is receiving treatment for depression and ADD, but I have no way of knowing if that had anything to do with it. Honestly we had been having so much fun together, laughing, sharing vulnerable details about each other and the sex was pretty incredible. So this all came a bit out of nowhere for me.

    The big problem is all the friends we share, I need my friends right now and want to spend time with them. But he will be doing the same. How do I deal with a no contact period if I bump into him in person during?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 24, 2016 at 9:35 pm

      Hi Lianne,

      foes your friends know the situation? Talk to them so they would understand why you’re avoiding your ex

  31. Astrid

    November 22, 2016 at 10:44 pm

    I started NC as feom this Sunday at 3pm when I left our home with the last of my things. As I backed out of the drive he stayed standing there, looking after me. Before NC I did everything I shouldn’t have done but his break up with me hurt brutally and (3 months ago)…I am so confused by him…why did he bother sending me a bday text 1 month after our breakup if before then he was angriöy demanding the house key back? Why, when this past Friday we were unexpectedly at the same function did he immediately come to me (I was with a male friend at the time, talking) and give me a huge hug and three cheek kisses? Why, when on Sunday before I left did he sit next to me on the couch and, when I told him I preferred to see this as a break (our relationship had been largely wonderful both physically and emotionally) and that we needed to re-find ourselves by simply dating again ( we met and 3 months later were together as a couple and lost the romance) did he answer ‘no reponse required now’ to which I said ‘no’…Sorry for this long post but I have been trying to sleep and had the most horrible nightmare in which he told me we were definitely done. It felt so real. I need help.

    Astrid

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 24, 2016 at 7:52 pm

      Hi Astrid,

      start the nc count at Monday, the day after you last talked to him. Anf be active in improving yourself.. And did you mean your relationship lasted 3 months?

  32. Mia

    November 22, 2016 at 4:35 pm

    What about a friends with benefits situation. Is there a possibility of getting him back (by following no contact, improving oneself), changing the benefits to a relationship even if he moved on and met someone else?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 23, 2016 at 2:00 am

      Hi Mia,

      I think there’s a chance since you had a long history but he will likely come back to be friends with benefits again if their relationship didn’t work out or if they hit a rough patch.
      Dont ever be friends with benefits again.. Start slowly as just friends first

    2. Pam

      November 23, 2016 at 3:07 pm

      Don’t do this to yourself
      I know you won’t listen. I didn’t. Mine flatly refuses to consider a relationship even after much I love yous over 5 years. He is now more comfortable with the fst old lady (and I mean 55 and horrible) than me because she doesn’t care. Or she is delusional too. It will hurt. Get out
      Now. My advice from personal experience. I am pretty much destroyed.

  33. Honey

    November 22, 2016 at 4:03 pm

    Hello Chris
    Thanks for helping millions of women go through breakups. You really are a blessing.

    After my breakup Aug6 I went into NC, after three days into nc he tried contacting me , I didn’t reply, he kept trying to get in touch no reply from my end.till October 1st which happens to be my birthday he sent a birthday message and I said ‘thank you ” . Note I was into nc from (Aug 6-Oct 1) after the birthday message didn’t hear from him until a week after,he sent a message asking how long am I going to keep ignoring him and wanted to know If he should stop keeping in touch and I said absolutely and that was it , didn’t hear from him until 0ctober24 he showed up at my house and wanted to know if we could work things out and that he missed me bla bla bla but I told him we should work on ourselves and that I want a serious relationship and obviously he isn’t ready for that and he said he will work on himself and I said yes we should work on ourselves and after the two hours conversation in front of My gate he wanted to kiss me but i refused and said we should give it time . Honestly i was scared of being intimate and then he ghost off again I needed to be sure. After that he hasn’t showed any sign of seriousness like calling me and texting me about wanting us back Aside the usual “hi ,”how was your day “…… tomorrow 23rd Nov is His birthday should I text him or just ignore. I normally send him message at dawn say 11:59 but right now I don’t know where we stand and i don’t want to look needy or desperate so I am thinking of calling late on His birthday say 10pm what do you think ?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 24, 2016 at 5:47 pm

      Hi honey,
      maybe he wants to work k
      on himself and he’s gauging if he can be sweet before being investing more effort.. Yes, it would be faster to not greet him at 11:59 pm

  34. Frederico

    November 22, 2016 at 5:03 am

    Love this post. A really fun read, but so helpful with all the advice and links. It is so true, the part that compares getting over an Ex to a drug addiction. Knowing this can really help one to understand the difficulty of staying “true” to the No Contact rule. But with that realization, it brings to life that stuff you talk about with regard to the Holy Trinity. Like you say, one has to do more than just “distract” oneself. One has to to make the time away from the Ex really count by rebuilding and expanding one’s life.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 24, 2016 at 3:53 pm

      I AGREE! 🙂

  35. Britt

    November 22, 2016 at 2:48 am

    Hi, I commented on another post the other day but I can’t see it anywhere so just thought I’d try again after reading this one.

    So my ex and I broke up around 6 weeks ago after a period of him telling me he wanted time on his own because of depression and not feeling ready for our relationship, even though he was saying he saw us married and that if we didn’t stop seeing each other now than he was worried things would get bad and we’d break up anyway. I protested and was extremely upset about this, and things got out of control and we decided to just break up instead of taking a break.

    We didn’t speak for 2 weeks after the break up while he was away for work, but one day I felt weak and depressed and needed to tell him how I felt so I contacted him. He got agitated and said that if I really cared about him I would leave him alone to let him heal, that he wasn’t thinking about the future or getting back together and to leave him alone. But in the same conversation he said that he hadn’t stopped loving me.

    This is confusing because a week later he had a female friend stay at his house from another city and it made me wonder whether they had slept together or not. Recently his friends have been tagging him in posts with the girl that have made me think maybe something is going on between them even though he had said he hadn’t stopped loving me and didn’t want a relationship. Now I’m in the fourth week of no contact after our last conversation and am planning on getting in touch with him soon, but I’ve been thinking all the things mentioned in this post and about the possibility of there being another girl that I’m worried he will just reject me or say he’s seeing her.

    He consistently has been looking at my Instagram and Snapchat over the NC period, so I’m wondering why he’d still look at my stuff if he’s seeing someone new or not interested in contacting me? I’ve been trying really hard to become an “ungettable girl” and I have been feeling really confident about myself, but thinking about someone else replacing me gets me down.

    I’m super confused at the moment with what I’ve been seeing, even though I’ve unfollowed him and his friends from Facebook so I don’t see their posts and comments. I’d really appreciate some advice or an opinion on my situation!!

    Thanks!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 22, 2016 at 12:08 pm

      Hi Britt,

      let’s say he got bored with the relationship.. That doesnt mean he totally have lost all feelings and that doesnt mean he wont get curious about you. He may think the new girl is a grass is greener case but what’s more important is that you improve.. If you’re doing that, good. He has to think you’re moving on or has moved on so that he would be open to being friends again…

    2. Britt

      November 24, 2016 at 12:45 pm

      Hi Amor

      I’ve just found out that this other girl is coming back over to where we live soon for some reason, and I guess will be staying with my ex again as far as I know. Should I still pursue building up rapport with my ex while she might be around? I’m worried we’ll start talking and then they’ll be hanging out so my ex won’t want to speak with me while she’s here.

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 26, 2016 at 7:54 pm

      as the cliche says, cross the bridge when you get there. And you can’t control them, you can only control yourself, so, yes, build rapport. If you’re ex doesn’t want to speak with you so, be it. That’s when you either rest or move on.

    4. Britt

      December 1, 2016 at 1:28 pm

      Hey Amor, I ended up contacting my ex today and he was surprisingly pretty receptive. I just sent him a text about a game we both like and he replied quickly. I first left the message read for an hour and a half and then messaged him to end the conversation saying I was at work and was busy and to have a good night. And he responded by continuing the conversation we were having, so after I got home I responded and we sent 2 more messages back and forth but now he has gone quiet but hasn’t read my message yet. I tried to end the conversation twice by not responding and then sending a nice response so I think I showed some power over him there but now I’m a little worried he’d be dominanting me by him now not responding? I do really want to look strong and not desperate in his eyes and I hope I did that a little by being busy and not bothered to respond to him right away.

    5. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 2, 2016 at 12:32 am

      If he didn’t respond, just don’t follow up. Initiate again the next day.

    6. Britt

      December 4, 2016 at 12:20 pm

      Hey Amor sorry to comment again

      I messaged him again the next day making conversation about a game we both like that is coming out soon, and he just never responded and hasn’t even opened the message. I know this isn’t game over but its confusing that he was friendly one day and just ignores me the next. How long do I wait until I try to initiate contact again, if I should at all?

    7. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 5, 2016 at 9:59 am

      It’s ok.. You can ask anytime.. Rest for 3-5 days for now..if he initiates, you can reply

  36. Kris

    November 22, 2016 at 12:15 am

    My boyfriend and I broke up after seven months very calmly, no fighting, and no prior fights. He basically got overwhelmed emotionally which brought up unconscious fears and withdrew as a protective mechanism. I agreed we should take a break, as I felt anything I said at this point would make him feel pressure, and I felt would do more harm.
    I knew I could not contact him. If he never called me again, I would have never contacted him, as I’m just not the type to chase. He would have to come back on his own or it was over, and I had to come to terms with that, as hard as it was.
    I grieved and really made my feelings surface so I could move on faster. I also prayed and sent him love energy and tried to open up my heart chakra and live in unconditional love in my life in general and to all people, including myself. I meditated on unconditional love, opening heart chakra, and learned to really love myself, forgive, etc.
    I worked out. Hard!! (Feel good endorphins!), lost ten pounds, bought new clothes, made myself do stuff with friends and coworkers. Took care of my two young children. I thought about my ex a lot!! It was very hard! I really missed him and had no bad memories to help get over him.
    I think 30 days is actually not long enough, from other research I read. I was going to give 8 weeks, then if he didn’t call, try to run into him somewhere, so he could at least see me one more time, sweet, thinner, happy, and feminine in a nice fitting but not slutty dress. Then if that didn’t work, move on.
    Since I knew I personally was not forward enough to call or text and wanted him to value me by working to get me back.
    It was almost eight weeks exactly and he called!! He said he missed me, was thinking about me, hoped me and kids were ok, etc. he would like to take me out on a date!! I acted happy but calm, said I would like that. The first two dates, I only gave myself a couple hours, so I couldn’t do anything I regret or rush back into something. I was going to just keep it light and fun, so if it ended, he’d only have good things to remember. He really opened up to me after second date. Said he was scared, knew he was too independant sometimes and didn’t need to be like that, but had kind of built a wall, so he wouldn’t get hurt!! I was astounded how self aware and open he was. I told him it really took a strong man to admit all that, and I respected him for being able to share that. We talked more. I didn’t want him to get too overwhelmed emotionally again, so I paced him, didn’t let him see me as much as he wanted but was always loving and happy when we were together. I feel like now we are even closer!!
    I hope this gives others hope. He needed that time to miss me, realize what he was losing, and get over feeling pressured/overwhelmed/scared. I needed that time to work on myself. We’re both at much better place, but it was very hard! Don’t give up!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 24, 2016 at 1:47 pm

      Hi kris,

      thank you so much for sharing! Congratulations! That’s right, take it slow!

  37. Annie

    November 21, 2016 at 11:57 pm

    Hi Chris – I’ve purchased TXB programmes. My situation sadly is 38yrs married, my Ex had an affair, we separated 3 years ago, I had just nursed my mother through cancer she sadly lost her battle after just 8 weeks from Diagnosis – he immediately told me he wasn’t coming back , bombarded me with phone calls (daily) I started Divorce proceeding this year and he stopped all contact – I never stopped loving my Ex, unfortunately I didn’t have access to programmes like yours and all I ever did st the beginning was Beg him to come back – We have had no contact for nearly 12 months but recently I sent a text about house maintenance – he IMMEDIATELY rang, it was a very calm conversation – he agreed to my request – then the following 2 weeks he has text me but I haven’t replied – the first text was just polite/matter of fact the second started with Hi Anne and he signed off too – I haven’t replied because I started the programme. This may seem rediculous to you after all this time – but I have NEVER stopped loving him and always wanted him back – could I be reading too much into the text – COULD I EVER get him back? Kind Regards Anne

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 24, 2016 at 12:24 pm

      Hi Annie,

      it would be better if you dont jump into conclusions and just focus in improving yourself..take this as a restart and then be your best self,then take it slow in building rapport

  38. Mia

    November 21, 2016 at 5:57 pm

    I was in a friends with benefits relationship for 7 years. He made the decision to date and when he initially sent the text after I suspected something he said he was set up on a date and it went well. I reacted quickly and responded “Thanks for letting me know and I wish you all the best.”
    After having time to process what he said I felt I needed to take the high road. I sent him a text that I felt hurt and rejected when he said he was interested in dating. I told him I was truly happy for him, it was sad to say goodbye and I already missed the way he could make me laugh.
    He replied with a new explanation that his co-workers set him up on a dating site. He stated I knew he was miserable and happy being alone. After giving in and talking to a few ladies he ended up on a date. He said she is a really good lady, they both match up very well and have similar lives over the last 10-11 years (we are in our late 40s) and are quite happy (this was stated after knowing her for 2 weeks). They are Facebook official after 1 month of dating.
    I have not had any contact with him since he told me the above via text message 2 weeks ago. I had started the process of living the most fabulous life I can live and I am very positive about the progress I have made and the direction I want to go. Is there any possibility to rebuild the friendship and turn it into a relationship?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 23, 2016 at 2:00 am

      Hi Mia,

      I think there’s a chance since you had a long history but he will likely come back to be friends with benefits again if their relationship didn’t work out or if they hit a rough patch.
      Dont ever be friends with benefits again.. Start slowly as just friends first

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