Essentially I took a concept like the no contact rule and took a deep dive into what a man was thinking during it and after it.
Women seemed to like to know what is going on in the head of their ex boyfriends, go figure.
Now, here is the thing about the no contact rule.
Pretty much every article I ever write about it is popular.
Seriously, take a look at the comment counts on my articles relating to no contact. Almost all of them have received over 100 comments,
Well, yesterday someone asked me a really fascinating question. Now, bear in mind that I am paraphrasing here,
Chris, you write so much about how the no contact rule and how men think during it. How about you do an article on the thoughts that women have during it? And maybe you could pinpoint the negative thoughts we have and how we should combat them.
And now here we are!
My intention with this article isn’t to intimidate you by showing you how difficult the no contact rule can be for women.
Instead, it’s to inspire you to keep going.
It’s to give you a quick cheat sheet that you can glance at when you have a negative thought that makes you want to break the no contact rule.
First things first though, let’s take a moment to define what the no contact rule is.
A Quick Explanation Of No Contact
Honestly I feel like a broken record at this point. I have “defined” the no contact rule so many times throughout this site that I feel like you guys are going to slap me,
The no contact rule is essentially a period of time where you ignore your ex boyfriend. In other words, if he calls, texts, Skypes, Facebooks or does something else to get your attention you are supposed to ignore those attempts.
Now, when I explain this part of the no contact rule to people they understand it completely.
It’s this next part where the trouble seems to start.
The no contact rule is going to benefit you in two primary ways,
- By ignoring your ex boyfriend you are going to raise the chances of having him miss you.
- It’s going to give YOU time for personal growth.
Most people get that by ignoring someone the chances that they will miss you are higher. In fact, most of the women who try the no contact rule are drawn to it for that reason. However, that’s actually not the most important part of the no contact rule. Instead, freeing up time for personal growth is.
Our research has found that women who take the time that they are in the no contact rule to facilitate their own personal growth have better results when it comes to getting their exes back.
And there is a specific segment who come the conclusion that they never even wanted him back.
Of course, out of all the strategies that we recommend here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery the no contact rule is without a doubt the one strategy with the highest fail rate.
Now, what do you think I mean by that?
Well, what I mean is that women who try the no contact rule come into it all “gung-ho” about completing it without any slip ups but when push comes to shove they cave the very first time that their ex reaches out to them.
Well, what if I told you that I have a trick that you could use to prevent yourself from breaking the no contact rule.
My Secret Trick
Now, before I start diving into the female mind during the no contact rule it’s very important that I teach you this secret trick.
Well, a lot of the things I talk about after this section can be solved if you put this one trick into practice.
Last month I interviewed a PHD by the name of Glenn Livingston.
Not only is this man a veteran psychologist and CEO of a multi-million dollar consulting firm he has also authored the best selling book on Amazon for binge eating.
Do you see that book at the top there, “Never Binge Again,” Yup, Glenn Livingston authored that and he was kind enough to come onto our show and talk about his experience with helping binge eaters.
Now, I know what you are thinking?
Umm… how does this even apply to the no contact rule?
Well, what originally was meant to be a talk on binge eating soon turned into a talk on the no contact rule and breaking the bad habit of contacting your ex. It turns out that Glenn’s interview holds the greatest trick to NOT contacting your ex during the no contact rule. Take a look below,
In case you didn’t have time to watch the whole interview the gist of Glenn’s strategy goes like this,
Did you know that when you go through a breakup the part of your brain that becomes active is the exact same part of the brain that becomes active in a drug addict going through withdrawal.
In other words, as you are going through a breakup you are going to be feeling very similar effects to an addict going through withdrawal.
Now, let me ask you a question.
A drug addict who is going through withdrawal wants what above all else?
They want drugs.
Well, since you are going through your own little withdrawal period what is the one thing that you want more than anything during your breakup.
You want to talk to your ex.
Of course, this goes completely against everything the no contact rule stands for. So, you have these two conflicting forces at odds with one another and often times your primal need to talk to your ex wins out.
And really it all starts with the voice in the back of your head.
You know, the one that is constantly telling you things like,
“What’s the big deal if I talk to him?”
“I wonder what he is up to? I have to find out.”
“I miss him so much, let me just ask him a question. What’s the harm in that?”
This inner voice is often the root of all of your problems.
That’s where Dr. Livingston’s method comes into play. He recommends that you find a way to make the voice sound disgusting to you. So disgusting in fact, that you want to barf every single time you hear it.
Now, it may sound a little goofy and simple at first.
But the more you establish this habit in repetition the more you are going to condition yourself to not listen to it.
Ultimately it’s one of your best weapons to beat the addictive behavior that is so common during the no contact rule.
Of course, I entitled this resource, “The Female Mind During The No Contact Rule” so lets talk about some of the things that are almost guaranteed to go through your mind during the no contact rule.
Are you ready?
I hope so!
Thought #1: This Is Going To Be Easy
I first read about the no contact rule back in 2012.
Care to take a guess at what my very first thought was upon reading about it,
“That’s it? That’s so easy.”
It was shocking to me that something that seemed so easy was being recommended by many of the foremost experts in the field. Nevertheless, I went with it and started recommending it to my own audience.
After a few months of hearing back from them I realized the truth.
The Truth: Most of the women who tried the no contact rule ended up failing at it.
Why had so many women failed?
Well, I think it has to do with that addiction bit.
It’s so difficult to stop an addiction where you are literally one text message away from engaging in it.
Of course, most of the women who end up deciding that they want to do the no contact rule will no doubt have this mindset that it’s going to be easy.
I hate to break it to you but it’s not.
In fact, I estimate that 8 out of 10 women who try NC will end up breaking it early when they aren’t supposed to.
Don’t take this lightly.
How To Combat This Thought
I am going to level with you.
Not falling victim to this thought will be extremely difficult.
Because the no contact rule sounds like such a simple premise.
Again, don’t let it’s simplicity fool you.
Instead, my biggest recommendation here is to plan accordingly.
You see, the no contact rule would probably be a lot easier if it was only supposed to last a week. However, in most cases it is going to last an entire month.
Most people make it past a week but it’s the next three weeks that become troublesome.
So again, my recommendation is to map out how you are going to stay occupied so that you don’t break it.
A great way to do this is with a calendar.
You know, one of these,
I want you to map out every day that you are in the midst of a no contact rule.
Write out what you are going to do, how it’s going to benefit you and so on and so forth.
By having a clear plan it’s going to make your life that much easier during the no contact rule.
Thought #2: What If This Doesn’t Work?
There’s no doubt about it.
When you try the no contact rule you are taking a leap of faith.
You are hoping that he misses you.
You are hoping that this deep intense pain that you are feeling from the breakup will subside.
But “hope” isn’t a guarantee.
And this fact probably gnaws at you.
That voice in the back of your head whispers,
“What if this doesn’t work? Is this even worth it?”
I will be the first to tell you that when it comes to exes there are no guarantees.
But I feel strongly enough to make one statement.
If you do the no contact properly it is guaranteed to work in one way.
What Does That Mean?
Think of it like this.
Most people who try the no contact rule are trying it to make their ex miss them. And without a doubt it can accomplish that.
However, there are no guarantees.
But I feel like people who look at the no contact rule just to make their ex miss them are missing the entire point of it.
The part of the brain that becomes active when you go through a breakup is the same part of the brain that becomes active when a drug addict is going through a withdrawal.
The no contact rule essentially forces you to stop focusing on your addiction (your ex) and focus that energy inwards.
In fact, we have seen that women who really take this fact to heart have incredible results in not only their personal lives but they also have a higher chance of success when it comes to getting their ex back.
So, by properly implementing the no contact rule where you focus a lot of energy on yourself you are guaranteed to have something positive happen to you.
The no contact rule serves an amazing application and you are guaranteed to get something positive out of it as long as you put more energy into yourself as opposed to into your ex.
Thought #3: What If He Doesn’t Try To Contact Me?
I just had a big pow-wow on the fact that making your ex boyfriend isn’t the be all end all of the no contact rule. Nevertheless, I am sure that a gigantic portion of women are going to have one singular thought,
What if he doesn’t contact me at all?
Let’s take a look at this fear.
The reason you are probably fearing it is due to the fact that you will feel like a complete failure if he doesn’t try to contact you at all.
But I tend to look at this in a different way.
Now, I realize this may be a lot to ask of you but I want you to take about 41 minutes out of your day to watch the most epic interview I have ever done,
You didn’t watch it did you?
Geez… No patience.
Ok, here is the gist of the interview. I interviewed, Jessy, who not only used my advice to get her ex back but now she is married to him.
Rethinking that idea of not watching the interview now, huh?
Basically the part in the interview that I want to call to your attention is where Jessy admits that her ex, was very rigid and stubborn.
Throughout no contact he would not contact her.
AND SHE GOT HIM TO MARRY HER!
Look, this essentially backs up what I have been saying for a long time that him contacting you during the no contact rule isn’t everything it’s made out to be.
What You Need To Understand
Let’s throw out the gender roles here on who is supposed to contact who first.
We live in the 21st century.
No one cares if it’s the guy or the girl who contacts the other person first.
So, if you are a woman who is hung up on this idea that a man should always text you first then I am going to ask you to step off your high horse because IT DOESN’T MATTER!
Besides, I always kind of like it when women can control the narrative by contacting a man first anyways.
I’m a bit of a feminist in that way.
In fact, what is the first thing I recommend that you do after the no contact rule is over?
Yup, I recommend that YOU text him.
Yes, I will level with you that it’s always a great thing when your ex contacts you during the no contact rule but if he doesn’t it doesn’t mean that the no contact rule won’t work.
I just showed you the ultimate example that it will still work.
Thought #4: What If He Gets Angry During The No Contact Rule?
This thought is almost like the exact opposite of what is going on with thought #3. With that one you were worried that he would never contact you at all during no contact. And with this one he does contact you during no contact but not in a very favorable way.
Allow me to explain.
For some men, the no contact rule can be an extreme route to go.
This is especially true if the two of you have established a pattern where you are constantly in contact with each other after a breakup.
So, if we were to visualize this it would look a little something like,
Now, here is the interesting thing about human beings.
We are all very resistant to change.
And now that, that pattern has been interrupted as a result of the no contact rule it is entirely plausible that your ex may get a little angry with you.
It wouldn’t be out of the question that you could receive a few text messages or phone calls from him looking like this,
Now, when most women receive angry messages like this they immediately start to panic and think that for some reason they will never have a chance to get their ex boyfriend back.
If you think that then I have a story to tell you.
A Quick Story
Did you know that I have a daughter.
I don’t talk about her a lot on this website for a few reasons.
- I want to protect her privacy
- I am an expert on exes and often times you don’t need to talk about a baby to get your point across (until now.)
My daughter just turned one and she is starting to learn to communicate.
Right now she has only mastered three words,
Besides those three words she communicates by a combination of screaming, yelling or grunting.
Oh, and then we have the tantrums.
Basically when she doesn’t like something she will scream and cry uncontrollably. She knows if she does this she will eventually get her way. The most recent example I can think of is when our family went out to an arts and crafts fair hosted by the city we live in.
It was amazing.
I have never seen so many people in one place before.
They had arts…
They had crafts…
They had ICE CREAM…
And not the cheap kind. This was homemade ice cream and pretty much upon seeing the booth my wife and I decided that we would give our daughter a taste of some ice cream.
Well, that was it.
Once we did that the entire fortunes of our day changed.
My daughter likes ice cream.
She likes it so much she wanted more and more and more.
Of course, we had to cut her off at a certain point.
So, what did she do?
She threw a tantrum.
Cried some more…
I think you get the picture.
But why did she throw the tantrum?
Well, ultimately she wanted more ice cream and we wouldn’t give it to her. Now, what do you think would happen if we would have given her more ice cream after throwing this tantrum.
Essentially we would be rewarding her for throwing a tantrum.
Re-enforcing the wrong type of behavior.
Do you see where I am going with this?
When you use the no contact rule and your ex acts angry it’s the grown up version of throwing a tantrum. Now, should you reward him for throwing a tantrum?
In fact, that’s what most women end up doing.
They get scared that they are going to lose him forever.
You already lost him.
It’s time to do something for YOU!
Thought #5: But He Posted This Thing On Facebook… What Does It Mean?
Without a doubt Facebook or other similar social media websites play a role in the no contact rule.
Well, the no contact rule is pretty clear on the fact that you aren’t supposed to contact your ex. However, it doesn’t say anything about looking at him, does it?
That’s where social media websites like Facebook come into play.
Now, I will be the first to admit that Facebook and other sites like it can play an important role during the no contact rule. However, at the same time they can be pretty dangerous.
Allow me to elaborate.
Let’s say that you are staying true to the no contact rule (yay) and you decide to check up on your exes Facebook profile.
While you are spying on him you learn that he has posted this status update,
Feeling kinda down today… Thinking about the past.
Immediately a shiver gets sent down your spine.
“It’s a sign,” you think to yourself.
“He’s thinking about our relationship and is getting sad.”
That’s when the “all knowing” voice in the back of your head pops up and says,
“Text him… You don’t want him to suffer any longer.”
Oh, and in case you didn’t know that “all knowing” voice in the back of your head is the voice of addiction. It’s your enemy and the number one reason for why most women break the no contact rule.
(Watch the Glenn Livingston video above for a way to beat that voice.)
Essentially every time you become obsessive about checking up on your exes profiles you are feeding your addiction, making it stronger and making it more likely that you will break the no contact rule.
So, What Are You Supposed To Do?
Well, I am not going to lie.
This puts you in a really difficult spot because I have stated that social media can be an excellent tool to get an ex back. It’s not like I want you to “unfriend” or block your ex on Facebook.
Instead, there is a nifty little button called “unfollow,”
By doing this you won’t unfriend or block your ex but you will remove some of the temptation to spy on him constantly. However, the number one thing you can do to fully remove the temptation is to use Glenn’s method which I talk about exclusively above.
Speaking of voices in the back of your head.
Let’s move on and talk about the next type of thought you are bound to have.
Thought #6: It Won’t Hurt If I Just Talk To Him Once…
They are dangerous.
I can’t tell you how many times a woman comments on this website saying something like,
Well, I broke the no contact rule. He texted me and I broke down and texted him back. Do I still have a chance?
To which I usually answer this person by telling them,
Yes, you still have a chance but it’s not as good as the first one.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I have never been one of those people that has been good at lying.
It is entirely possible to ruin your chances of getting your ex back but not staying true to the no contact rule. In fact, every single time that you fail at it your chances of success become smaller and smaller.
If that won’t light a fire under your a** to stay disciplined then I don’t know what will.
So, let’s talk about rationalizations for a moment.
You’ve heard me talk about the “voice in the back of your head” quite a bit today.
Why do you think that is?
Well, it’s because that voice in the back of your head is trying to convince you to break the no contact rule in any way that it can.
And it will use any means necessary to accomplish that.
Now, here is perhaps the scariest part. That voice knows you better than anyone. It follows you around day after day. It knows what makes you tick. It knows what you want. Hell, it even knows your weaknesses.
And it is going to try to rationalize you into breaking the no contact rule.
It’s going to tell you things like,
“What’s the harm in talking to him once?”
“This no contact thing isn’t even working. Let’s just ditch it and do what we want.”
Oh, and in case you haven’t figured it out yet this little voice in the back of your head is the voice of addiction.
Beating The Voice Of Addiction
I may sound like a broken record here but please watch my interview with Glenn Livingston,
I keep referring to Glenn Livingston’s interview with me because it literally holds your key to success with staying on track during the no contact rule.
Look, I have already told you that when you go through a breakup you experience similar affects to your body that a drug addict would to theirs when they are going through a period of withdrawal.
Perhaps I need to get a bit more visual to really hammer this point home.
I am usually a very visual person so every time I read someone that makes me thing of drug addicts or drug withdrawal I have this very vivid image that pops into my head.
It’s that scene from “Walk The Line” where Johnny Cash decides to kick his drug habit and has a horrible time doing it.
He essentially looks like this,
For a good chunk of the movie.
Now, when he is going through this withdrawal period he is doing everything he can to find more drugs. His “voice of addiction” is trying to get him to feed the addiction.
And that’s what’s happening to you except on a smaller scale.
You see, your addiction isn’t drugs, it’s your ex.
And right now it’s one that you need to kick.
So again, watch my interview with Glenn and you will know exactly what to do.