Without a doubt one of the most popular articles that I have ever written in the history of this site is my “male mind series. (1) (2)

Essentially I took a concept like the no contact rule and took a deep dive into what a man was thinking during it and after it.

Women seemed to like to know what is going on in the head of their ex boyfriends, go figure.

Now, here is the thing about the no contact rule.

Pretty much every article I ever write about it is popular.

Seriously, take a look at the comment counts on my articles relating to no contact. Almost all of them have received over 100 comments,

screen-shot-2016-11-14-at-10-40-52-am

Well, yesterday someone asked me a really fascinating question. Now, bear in mind that I am paraphrasing here,

Chris, you write so much about the no contact rule and how men think during it. How about you do an article on the thoughts that women have during it? And maybe you could pinpoint the negative thoughts we have and how we should combat them.

And now here we are!

My intention with this article isn’t to intimidate you by showing you how difficult the no contact rule can be for women.

Instead, it’s to inspire you to keep going.

It’s to give you a quick cheat sheet that you can glance at when you have a negative thought that makes you want to break the no contact rule.

First things first though, let’s take a moment to define what the no contact rule is.

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A Quick Explanation Of No Contact

Honestly I feel like a broken record at this point. I have “defined” the no contact rule so many times throughout this site that I feel like you guys are going to slap me,

slap

The no contact rule is essentially a period of time where you ignore your ex boyfriend. In other words, if he calls, texts, Skypes, Facebooks or does something else to get your attention you are supposed to ignore those attempts.

Now, when I explain this part of the no contact rule to people they understand it completely.

It’s this next part where the trouble seems to start.

The no contact rule is going to benefit you in two primary ways,

  1. By ignoring your ex boyfriend you are going to raise the chances of having him miss you.
  2. It’s going to give YOU time for personal growth.

Most people get that by ignoring someone the chances that they will miss you are higher. In fact, most of the women who try the no contact rule are drawn to it for that reason. However, that’s actually not the most important part of the no contact rule. Instead, freeing up time for personal growth is.

Our research has found that women who take the time that they are in the no contact rule to facilitate their own personal growth have better results when it comes to getting their exes back.

And there is a specific segment who come the conclusion that they never even wanted him back.

Of course, out of all the strategies that we recommend here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery the no contact rule is without a doubt the one strategy with the highest fail rate.

Now, what do you think I mean by that?

Well, what I mean is that women who try the no contact rule come into it all “gung-ho” about completing it without any slip ups but when push comes to shove they cave the very first time that their ex reaches out to them.

Well, what if I told you that I have a trick that you could use to prevent yourself from breaking the no contact rule.

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My Secret Trick

Now, before I start diving into the female mind during the no contact rule it’s very important that I teach you this secret trick.

Why?

Well, a lot of the things I talk about after this section can be solved if you put this one trick into practice.

Last month I interviewed a PHD by the name of Glenn Livingston.

Not only is this man a veteran psychologist and CEO of a multi-million dollar consulting firm he has also authored the best selling book on Amazon for binge eating.

screen-shot-2016-11-14-at-11-11-49-am

Do you see that book at the top there, “Never Binge Again,” Yup, Glenn Livingston authored that and he was kind enough to come onto our show and talk about his experience with helping binge eaters.

Now, I know what you are thinking?

Umm… how does this even apply to the no contact rule?

Well, what originally was meant to be a talk on binge eating soon turned into a talk on the no contact rule and breaking the bad habit of contacting your ex. It turns out that Glenn’s interview holds the greatest trick to NOT contacting your ex during the no contact rule. Take a look below,

In case you didn’t have time to watch the whole interview the gist of Glenn’s strategy goes like this,

Did you know that when you go through a breakup the part of your brain that becomes active is the exact same part of the brain that becomes active in a drug addict going through withdrawal.

In other words, as you are going through a breakup you are going to be feeling very similar effects to an addict going through withdrawal.

Now, let me ask you a question.

A drug addict who is going through withdrawal wants what above all else?

They want drugs.

Well, since you are going through your own little withdrawal period what is the one thing that you want more than anything during your breakup.

You want to talk to your ex.

Of course, this goes completely against everything the no contact rule stands for. So, you have these two conflicting forces at odds with one another and often times your primal need to talk to your ex wins out.

And really it all starts with the voice in the back of your head.

You know, the one that is constantly telling you things like,

“What’s the big deal if I talk to him?”

 

“I wonder what he is up to? I have to find out.”

 

“I miss him so much, let me just ask him a question. What’s the harm in that?”

This inner voice is often the root of all of your problems.

That’s where Dr. Livingston’s method comes into play. He recommends that you find a way to make the voice sound disgusting to you. So disgusting in fact, that you want to barf every single time you hear it.

Now, it may sound a little goofy and simple at first.

But the more you establish this habit in repetition the more you are going to condition yourself to not listen to it.

Ultimately it’s one of your best weapons to beat the addictive behavior that is so common during the no contact rule.

Of course, I entitled this resource, “The Female Mind During The No Contact Rule” so lets talk about some of the things that are almost guaranteed to go through your mind during the no contact rule.

Are you ready?

I hope so!

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Thought #1: This Is Going To Be Easy

I first read about the no contact rule back in 2012.

Care to take a guess at what my very first thought was upon reading about it,

“That’s it? That’s so easy.”

It was shocking to me that something that seemed so easy was being recommended by many of the foremost experts in the field. Nevertheless, I went with it and started recommending it to my own audience.

After a few months of hearing back from them I realized the truth.

The Truth: Most of the women who tried the no contact rule ended up failing at it.

But why?

Why had so many women failed?

Well, I think it has to do with that addiction bit.

It’s so difficult to stop an addiction where you are literally one text message away from engaging in it.

Of course, most of the women who end up deciding that they want to do the no contact rule will no doubt have this mindset that it’s going to be easy.

I hate to break it to you but it’s not.

In fact, I estimate that 8 out of 10 women who try NC will end up breaking it early when they aren’t supposed to.

Don’t take this lightly.

How To Combat This Thought

I am going to level with you.

Not falling victim to this thought will be extremely difficult.

Why?

Because the no contact rule sounds like such a simple premise.

Again, don’t let it’s simplicity fool you.

Instead, my biggest recommendation here is to plan accordingly.

You see, the no contact rule would probably be a lot easier if it was only supposed to last a week. However, in most cases it is going to last an entire month.

Most people make it past a week but it’s the next three weeks that become troublesome.

So again, my recommendation is to map out how you are going to stay occupied so that you don’t break it.

A great way to do this is with a calendar.

You know, one of these,

celandar

I want you to map out every day that you are in the midst of a no contact rule.

Write out what you are going to do, how it’s going to benefit you and so on and so forth.

By having a clear plan it’s going to make your life that much easier during the no contact rule.

Thought #2: What If This Doesn’t Work?

There’s no doubt about it.

When you try the no contact rule you are taking a leap of faith.

You are hoping that he misses you.

You are hoping that this deep intense pain that you are feeling from the breakup will subside.

But “hope” isn’t a guarantee.

And this fact probably gnaws at you.

That voice in the back of your head whispers,

“What if this doesn’t work? Is this even worth it?”

I will be the first to tell you that when it comes to exes there are no guarantees.

But I feel strongly enough to make one statement.

If you do the no contact properly it is guaranteed to work in one way.

What Does That Mean?

Think of it like this.

Most people who try the no contact rule are trying it to make their ex miss them. And without a doubt it can accomplish that.

However, there are no guarantees.

But I feel like people who look at the no contact rule just to make their ex miss them are missing the entire point of it.

The part of the brain that becomes active when you go through a breakup is the same part of the brain that becomes active when a drug addict is going through a withdrawal.

The no contact rule essentially forces you to stop focusing on your addiction (your ex) and focus that energy inwards.

In fact, we have seen that women who really take this fact to heart have incredible results in not only their personal lives but they also have a higher chance of success when it comes to getting their ex back.

So, by properly implementing the no contact rule where you focus a lot of energy on yourself you are guaranteed to have something positive happen to you.

Get it?

The no contact rule serves an amazing application and you are guaranteed to get something positive out of it as long as you put more energy into yourself as opposed to into your ex.

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Thought #3: What If He Doesn’t Try To Contact Me?

I just had a big pow-wow on the fact that making your ex boyfriend isn’t the be all end all of the no contact rule. Nevertheless, I am sure that a gigantic portion of women are going to have one singular thought,

What if he doesn’t contact me at all?

Let’s take a look at this fear.

The reason you are probably fearing it is due to the fact that you will feel like a complete failure if he doesn’t try to contact you at all.

But I tend to look at this in a different way.

Now, I realize this may be a lot to ask of you but I want you to take about 41 minutes out of your day to watch the most epic interview I have ever done,

You didn’t watch it did you?

Geez… No patience.

Ok, here is the gist of the interview. I interviewed, Jessy, who not only used my advice to get her ex back but now she is married to him.

Rethinking that idea of not watching the interview now, huh?

Basically the part in the interview that I want to call to your attention is where Jessy admits that her ex, was very rigid and stubborn.

Throughout no contact he would not contact her.

AND SHE GOT HIM TO MARRY HER!

Look, this essentially backs up what I have been saying for a long time that him contacting you during the no contact rule isn’t everything it’s made out to be.

What You Need To Understand

Let’s throw out the gender roles here on who is supposed to contact who first.

We live in the 21st century.

No one cares if it’s the guy or the girl who contacts the other person first.

So, if you are a woman who is hung up on this idea that a man should always text you first then I am going to ask you to step off your high horse because IT DOESN’T MATTER!

Besides, I always kind of like it when women can control the narrative by contacting a man first anyways.

I’m a bit of a feminist in that way.

In fact, what is the first thing I recommend that you do after the no contact rule is over?

Yup, I recommend that YOU text him.

Yes, I will level with you that it’s always a great thing when your ex contacts you during the no contact rule but if he doesn’t it doesn’t mean that the no contact rule won’t work.

I just showed you the ultimate example that it will still work.

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Thought #4: What If He Gets Angry During The No Contact Rule?

This thought is almost like the exact opposite of what is going on with thought #3. With that one you were worried that he would never contact you at all during no contact. And with this one he does contact you during no contact but not in a very favorable way.

Allow me to explain.

For some men, the no contact rule can be an extreme route to go.

This is especially true if the two of you have established a pattern where you are constantly in contact with each other after a breakup.

So, if we were to visualize this it would look a little something like,

new-pattern

Now, here is the interesting thing about human beings.

We are all very resistant to change.

And now that, that pattern has been interrupted as a result of the no contact rule it is entirely plausible that your ex may get a little angry with you.

It wouldn’t be out of the question that you could receive a few text messages or phone calls from him looking like this,

screen-shot-2016-11-17-at-10-52-39-am

Now, when most women receive angry messages like this they immediately start to panic and think that for some reason they will never have a chance to get their ex boyfriend back.

If you think that then I have a story to tell you.

A Quick Story

Did you know that I have a daughter.

I don’t talk about her a lot on this website for a few reasons.

  1. I want to protect her privacy
  2. I am an expert on exes and often times you don’t need to talk about a baby to get your point across (until now.)

My daughter just turned one and she is starting to learn to communicate.

Right now she has only mastered three words,

  1. Mama…
  2. Dada…
  3. Hi…

Besides those three words she communicates by a combination of screaming, yelling or grunting.

Oh, and then we have the tantrums.

Basically when she doesn’t like something she will scream and cry uncontrollably. She knows if she does this she will eventually get her way. The most recent example I can think of is when our family went out to an arts and crafts fair hosted by the city we live in.

It was amazing.

I have never seen so many people in one place before.

They had arts…

They had crafts…

They had ICE CREAM…

And not the cheap kind. This was homemade ice cream and pretty much upon seeing the booth my wife and I decided that we would give our daughter a taste of some ice cream.

Well, that was it.

Once we did that the entire fortunes of our day changed.

My daughter likes ice cream.

She likes it so much she wanted more and more and more.

Of course, we had to cut her off at a certain point.

So, what did she do?

She threw a tantrum.

She screamed…

Cried…

Whimpered…

Yelled again…

Cried some more…

I think you get the picture.

But why did she throw the tantrum?

Well, ultimately she wanted more ice cream and we wouldn’t give it to her. Now, what do you think would happen if we would have given her more ice cream after throwing this tantrum.

Essentially we would be rewarding her for throwing a tantrum.

Re-enforcing the wrong type of behavior.

Do you see where I am going with this?

When you use the no contact rule and your ex acts angry it’s the grown up version of throwing a tantrum. Now, should you reward him for throwing a tantrum?

Absolutely not.

In fact, that’s what most women end up doing.

They get scared that they are going to lose him forever.

NEWSFLASH!

You already lost him.

It’s time to do something for YOU!

Thought #5: But He Posted This Thing On Facebook… What Does It Mean?

Ahh… Facebook.

Without a doubt Facebook or other similar social media websites play a role in the no contact rule.

Why?

Well, the no contact rule is pretty clear on the fact that you aren’t supposed to contact your ex. However, it doesn’t say anything about looking at him, does it?

That’s where social media websites like Facebook come into play.

Now, I will be the first to admit that Facebook and other sites like it can play an important role during the no contact rule. However, at the same time they can be pretty dangerous.

Allow me to elaborate.

Let’s say that you are staying true to the no contact rule (yay) and you decide to check up on your exes Facebook profile.

While you are spying on him you learn that he has posted this status update,

Feeling kinda down today… Thinking about the past.

Immediately a shiver gets sent down your spine.

“It’s a sign,” you think to yourself.

“He’s thinking about our relationship and is getting sad.”

That’s when the “all knowing” voice in the back of your head pops up and says,

“Text him… You don’t want him to suffer any longer.”

Oh, and in case you didn’t know that “all knowing” voice in the back of your head is the voice of addiction. It’s your enemy and the number one reason for why most women break the no contact rule.

(Watch the Glenn Livingston video above for a way to beat that voice.)

Essentially every time you become obsessive about checking up on your exes profiles you are feeding your addiction, making it stronger and making it more likely that you will break the no contact rule.

So, What Are You Supposed To Do?

Well, I am not going to lie.

This puts you in a really difficult spot because I have stated that social media can be an excellent tool to get an ex back. It’s not like I want you to “unfriend” or block your ex on Facebook.

Instead, there is a nifty little button called “unfollow,”

Unfollow

By doing this you won’t unfriend or block your ex but you will remove some of the temptation to spy on him constantly. However, the number one thing you can do to fully remove the temptation is to use Glenn’s method which I talk about exclusively above.

Speaking of voices in the back of your head.

Let’s move on and talk about the next type of thought you are bound to have.

Thought #6: It Won’t Hurt If I Just Talk To Him Once…

Ahh… rationalizations.

They are dangerous.

I can’t tell you how many times a woman comments on this website saying something like,

Well, I broke the no contact rule. He texted me and I broke down and texted him back. Do I still have a chance?

To which I usually answer this person by telling them,

Yes, you still have a chance but it’s not as good as the first one.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I have never been one of those people that has been good at lying.

It is entirely possible to ruin your chances of getting your ex back but not staying true to the no contact rule. In fact, every single time that you fail at it your chances of success become smaller and smaller.

If that won’t light a fire under your a** to stay disciplined then I don’t know what will.

So, let’s talk about rationalizations for a moment.

You’ve heard me talk about the “voice in the back of your head” quite a bit today.

Why do you think that is?

Well, it’s because that voice in the back of your head is trying to convince you to break the no contact rule in any way that it can.

And it will use any means necessary to accomplish that.

Now, here is perhaps the scariest part. That voice knows you better than anyone. It follows you around day after day. It knows what makes you tick. It knows what you want. Hell, it even knows your weaknesses.

And it is going to try to rationalize you into breaking the no contact rule.

It’s going to tell you things like,

“What’s the harm in talking to him once?”

Or

“This no contact thing isn’t even working. Let’s just ditch it and do what we want.”

Oh, and in case you haven’t figured it out yet this little voice in the back of your head is the voice of addiction.

Beating The Voice Of Addiction

I may sound like a broken record here but please watch my interview with Glenn Livingston,

I keep referring to Glenn Livingston’s interview with me because it literally holds your key to success with staying on track during the no contact rule.

Look, I have already told you that when you go through a breakup you experience similar affects to your body that a drug addict would to theirs when they are going through a period of withdrawal.

Hmm…

Perhaps I need to get a bit more visual to really hammer this point home.

I am usually a very visual person so every time I read someone that makes me thing of drug addicts or drug withdrawal I have this very vivid image that pops into my head.

It’s that scene from “Walk The Line” where Johnny Cash decides to kick his drug habit and has a horrible time doing it.

He essentially looks like this,

withdrwal

For a good chunk of the movie.

Now, when he is going through this withdrawal period he is doing everything he can to find more drugs. His “voice of addiction” is trying to get him to feed the addiction.

And that’s what’s happening to you except on a smaller scale.

You see, your addiction isn’t drugs, it’s your ex.

And right now it’s one that you need to kick.

So again, watch my interview with Glenn and you will know exactly what to do.

What to Read Next

How to Make Your Ex Miss You Without Talking To Him

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I Messed Up The No Contact Rule

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The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)

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142 thoughts on “The Female Mind During The No Contact Rule”

  1. Avatar

    Sabena

    August 16, 2019 at 1:20 pm

    Chris i really love this guy, i guess i gave him too much attention which made him relax, i chased him, i confessed my feelings too early to him before he did to me… I convinced him with my attitude things will work out fine for us.. We had normal couples quarrel. He sometimes threaten me with break up topics but he stopped after i implemented the no contact rule for a week.. He called begging everyone to talk to me but months later he resumed with it again, then the normal couple quarrel again then we settled,less fighting, i tell him all the time “I love u” he replies too, i call him mostly, we even had a routine where we talk at night with my own card burning more than 30minutes, then suddenly he started changing less calls from him, toomuch excuse and attitude then one night during our routine call at night i questioned him and he gave an excuse of him being selfish, not being able to cater for all my needs, and that he feels he’s holding me back, he doesn’t want to hold me back anymore that maybe i can be with someone else this really brought tears to my face i asked him so what’s are you saying he said he still loves me,he still wants the relationship and he also still wants to be there for me but that’s not what i want… I really love him… What’s do you think i should do??

  2. Avatar

    Ari

    April 13, 2019 at 7:57 pm

    Confused.- so my ex and i have een together for 1year,then out of the blue he decided to ghost me…so being a typical woman i rang his phone numerous times…i messaged both angry and begging messages…i tried all hiw to get ack his attention…he says he need some time for himself to re balance back his mental state of mind….we had arguements before which never surpassed us not talking for more rhan 3 days this was about 2 months and 2 weeks ago…i honestly kept nagging him and never implemented the no contact rule…he says he still loves me but that was a couple weeks ago…last night i called him and he told me to forget gis number…his one key reason for us splitting is that he said i was his source of peace and i took that away from the relationship…hiw do i get that back i truly love him we spoke about getting married and having a family at some point he saw a wife in me….its had because i honestly want to give us a second chance but he is so stubborn…or maybe he jus doesnt love me anymore to even try

  3. Avatar

    Drew

    September 28, 2018 at 10:35 am

    Hello,

    About me: Soldier in Germany, very sweet loving and caring. I did everything for her and her daughter and have done NC for almost 30 days(5 days from now).

    About her: Grew up with up without her biological father(mother cheated on him with a soldier who is my ex’s stepdad) knows him, but doesn’t talk him to this day, soon to be 27 year old German mother of A 6 year old daughter, previously married for 5 years to a soldier( he didn’t take care of his daughter and that’s mainly why she divorced him,, he also choked her against the wall when he went crazy during the divorce and found out she had a Kurdish boyfriend while she was going through divorce, had a Kurdish boyfriend for a year before she kicked him out of her apartment because he wasn’t a man( he never paid for bills, cooked cleaned, etc but she WANTED a man). Her Kurdish ex-boyfriend had a strong bond with her daughter so that hurt her daughter when she left him.
    About us: Months later she met me and we were both very happy in the beginning as in any relationship. I did everything for her! I took care of her, bought her flowers every week(she loves them), bought things for her and her daughter(even got presents for her daughter who I have NEVER met nor have I ever been inside of her own apartment). The psychiatrist actually says that’s very smart on her part as she wants to see whether or not I am worthy of being in her life and her daughters as well to avoid causing psychological harm. We met almost a year ago(next month would have been our anniversary). Everything was fine in the beginning you know all lovey dovey and whatnot As time went on we argued like any normal couple does in a relationship but have said things to each other that were hurtful. We apologized and kept having arguments every now and then. 6 months in she called the cops on me for something really stupid( I forgave her and got us out of that situation), called the cops a second time and I left her (One week later of NC her and I got back together and everything was fine for 2 months), called the cops on me a third time 3 months ago (long story short she was very drunk and charged me for assault and larceny.

    Most recently: After the charges have been placed I forgave her (honestly NC has made me better myself as it should and I feel better but am still undergoing legal matters with the charges) We haven’t seen each other the first two months after the charges have been placed but were talking and trying to work things out. So this was at the beginning of July charges were placed, mid July she said I am with someone else and her bestfriend tagged team with trying to convince me. End of July She admitted that she was lying and said it was only to make me jealous. Beginning of August we fought and tried to talk but she said she was done. Mid August she talked to me again, changed her number, blocked me on facebook and only through Instagram did we communicate. She tried to make me jealous once again on Instagram with a pic of her and another guy and said, ” look at my profile picture” blocked me and 30 seconds later she changed her picture to just one of her(I found out that same day it was her ex bestfriends brother who is a good friend of hers nothing more). Next day, her current bestfriend sends me that same picture and says” Oh look at her new BF aren’t they so cute together” I tell her I knew who it was and she backed off and even tried to convinvce me it wasn’t him. Moments later, my ex calls me and says, ” Why don’t you just leave” I stop talking to her and wait another week(posted my Instagram profile from priavet to public during this time and she was stalking me everyday as she and her bestfriend looked at my stories). Last week of August she calls me for five minutes, she says just, ” leave me, just go die etc” and I didn’t do anything wrong to her! First week of September we bump into each other at her city, make eye contact and she ignores me and walks right past me. I decide to go talk to her so we are walking and I say to her, ” Hey, you know that’s really rude you know” She says, ” Leave me or else I will get other people around us involved and we can escalate this further than it has to be. I say, Why can’t you just talk to me, She says, ” Leave me I am with someone else” I say show me or prove it to me then”. She says: No, I do not have to show you nothing” last thing I say to her is , ” I love you. Call me when you can” She says, ” I am not calling you” and leaves with her DAUGHTER( Again, I never met her and I think this is why she ignored me, didn’t want to talk to me and even was acting so cold to me not because she ” is with someone else”).
    Present Day: I still love her, have feelings for her and have forgiven her for everything she has done through NC. I see why NC is good, but I have no idea what it is doing for HER( How she thinks, feels etc). To this day I have not had a single response or signal( her unblocking me on social media, text message, friend stalking me and viewing my stories, friend messaging me, NOTHING). I have no idea whether or not she wants to get back, is waiting for me to make the first move( I always did it in the past to reconcile), or is really with someone else. I have gone to therapy, done a bunch of research and honestly I have no clue what will happen next, but at least I can expect the worst. She doesn’t come back. I have nothing but female friends really and most of them say to me that she is not worth it, she doesn’t deserve me, she has psychological issues( if you think about it her past is reoccurring in the present whether she realizes it or not. I even asked her to see a doctor and she gets mad every time I said this, people say she is a narcissist, and overall a bad person. HOWEVER, I love her and although I DO see my worth I LOVE HER. I am not blinded by love trust me I think NC has helped me a lot with thinking about this logically instead of emotionally and yes I still want to be with her. What should I do? Should I remain in no contact or should I send a letter to her that outlines not only my mistakes, but hers and ours as well. –

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 29, 2018 at 3:56 am

      Honestly Drew, you want to have a full ex recovery plan and if you go to my home page I offer a lot of tools and resources. My eBooks are the shortcut to figuring out how all these pieces fit together and how to optimize your chances. You have made great strides if you are now looking at things logically, because our emotions can hijack our whole being. She make sure you are guided by my Program and following the steps and tactics and it may sound self promoting but you will get more out of my 485 page ebook, “Pro” (applies to guys and gals) than you can get from just a small piece of me here given my time constraints!

    2. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 29, 2018 at 3:56 am

      Honestly Drew, you want to have a full ex recovery plan and if you go to my home page I offer a lot of tools and resources. My eBooks are the shortcut to figuring out how all these pieces fit together and how to optimize your chances. You have made great strides if you are now looking at things logically, because our emotions can hijack our whole being. She make sure you are guided by my Program and following the steps and tactics and it may sound self promoting but you will get more out of my 485 page ebook, “Pro” (applies to guys and gals) than you can get from just a small piece of me here given my time constraints!

  4. Avatar

    luckydog

    August 4, 2018 at 4:12 pm

    I need advice:
    Me- early 60’s; professional; widowed for 3 years; 2 post-college daughters
    She- 40, Worked for my company (where we met); now works elsewhere; 2 sons early 20’s; one daughter 16; First marriage ended due to physical abuse; second marriage in process of divorce now (lived separately for last 5 years)
    Developed a very close relationship; initially friends, then more. Talked/texted daily, met about weekly for drinks, she came to my house (but only when my daughter who is living with me was out of town. Always had a great time; obviously cared for each other; sex great.
    She asked me several times to define our relationship. Did I see us together or dating, etc, after her divorce came through. In retrospect, I never really answered her.
    She became more distant as she got closer to divorce. Had complicating factors with family, so I didn’t worry about it.
    In my mind (and unspoken to her) was that after divorce, we would date and play it by ear, and see what came of it,
    Over several months, she became very involved in a new church which is geared toward recovery.Started dating a guy in the church who is in a recovery program. (I found out about this accidentally on social media)
    We had an uncomfortable long face to face confrontation and I told her how strongly I felt about her, which seemed to surprise her.She told me that she thought our relationship had been based on sex, I suppose she may have felt used.
    Told me she had selected the guy in her church over me because: 1. Less age difference (he’s early 50’s) and 2. his strong church involvement.
    I repeatedly called her to no avail. Divorce still pending. I know she is stressed and miserable and has cried a few times when we talk.
    She started not responding to texts/calls and I’ve had no contact with her now for two weeks.She’s blocked me on FB. I have told her to say the word if she wants me to NOT call or text her and she’s never said so, so has kept the door open. Grapevine tells me she and the guy are more friends now than romantically involved, but who knows?
    In pics seen by friends, she still always wears a gold heart necklace I gave her for Valentine’s Day.
    I want to contact her and suggest we meet for a drink. I haven’t seen her since the ‘break-up meeting’, for lack of a better term, in mid-May, 2 and 1/2 months ago.
    Any thoughts/advice. I now realize how much she means to me and that I should have made it more clear earlier on.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 5, 2018 at 2:26 am

      Hey there Luckydog!

      Sometimes taking the long view of relationship is the best and most pragmatic approach we can implement. So give her space, but let her know via text that you get it…and you will respect her need for space….and that you too need to work on some things out. Then employ NC. Feel free to check out my home page for some of the resources. Also, i have a site called exgirlfriendrecovery.com so you can check that out as well.

  5. Avatar

    Brian Creg

    April 25, 2018 at 3:53 pm

    Chris, thank you for your advice. Last question, do I leave her a thinking of you card knowing it’s breaking NC? She is moving across the state in a couple of days. She just really loves cards and I almost see that if I don’t, she will think-same person, never thinks outside the box and does sweet things knowing I am moving. As you can see, I am still in the desperation stage to not mess up further.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 25, 2018 at 11:37 pm

      Ok…so a outside of the box is to send her a Message in a Bottle. A real bottle…like a wine bottle…with a brief classy message, scrolled up with a ribbon tie. Cork the bottle and package it and mail it. And if you really want an added touch, there are merchants that will put a special label on the bottle.

      Sometimes, we adapt and make exceptions to NC, given certain developments.

  6. Avatar

    Brian Creg

    April 24, 2018 at 8:21 pm

    Hello, my situation is rather complicated so I’ll condense. I’m 36 with two kids. Been in a relationship with 27 year old for two years. We both divorced our exes for each other. I suffered from lots of guilt, shame, remorse for leaving my wife and family unit of 12 years total, kids are 3 and 6. My emotions played a lot into monthly volatile, alcohol driven fights, even threats of self harm in order to get attention. As she is very beautiful and flirty (possibly histrionic personality). She didn’t reassure me in ways I asked her to. Long story short, my family saw how bad our fights were getting and asked her to not contact me or my kids if she really loved me. She is at 5 weeks NC, I have talked to her at work twice in that time (emails, texts have been sent from me with no response from her). She has blocked me on social media and my phone number the day my family asked her to. She is all over the map from we’re over to who knows what’s in store for our future together to I can’t live without you. She also reiterated she made a promise to my family and is holding the promise. She is also the most stubborn person I have ever met.

    I found a lot of articles on the NC approach and am near two weeks and it’s been hard. However, she is also moving 5 hours hours away this weekend and I of course my mind is going a million miles an hour as she is moving to the big city in our state, suitable to her age group. What do I do?????? I get it, I need to work on myself and I am. I just miss her so bad and love her more than anyone I have ever loved. I know we sound unhealthy for each other and we have been. But 90% of our two years were very healthy and happy. I’ve even thought about my family reaching out to her to drop their no contact statement. She was very hurt they weren’t more supportive and felt very attacked and blamed for being the problem, which she wasn’t. They were just trying to protect me.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 24, 2018 at 8:37 pm

      Hey there Brian…I agree she is probably feeling a lot of hurts for how certain things have unfolded and may be in the “protect me” stage as I am sure part of her is uncertain as to how to proceed. Probably best not to get the family to reach out to her as that could be a dead end at this point, unless one of the members truly feels what they did was a misstep. Sometimes it just takes some time for the negative feelings unwind. A passage of time. NC facilitates this. Then she might be more approachable. Since 90% of your history was positive, that bodes well.

    2. Avatar

      Brian Creg

      April 24, 2018 at 9:53 pm

      I hope you are right… she is just so stubborn and often commented that if she were out of the picture, my life would go back to normal. She we would often ask me loaded questions such as if I could picture me getting back with my wife a year from now if she were to be out of the picture. Of course, I was too honest and told her I couldn’t answer her one way or the other. She would tell me that answer told her a lot because she would never get back with her husband. But I wouldn’t remind her they didn’t share children together. Though I have come to notice more that my wife and I will not get back together with this breakup. She is also not the type to reach out to me through. You are right, I have hurt her immensely with my words while intoxicated and not dealing with my personal issues correctly and also right that my family is reluctant to reach back out to her but willing because of severe my depression has been.

      I also hope you are right that she can let the negative go. Unlike anyone I have ever met, she holds onto the negative like no other. It’s like she stores them in her little vault. You are also accurate that she is in a “protect me” stage, she termed it survival. She told me she is not ready to forgive me yet. This has just happened too many times and I have had lots of chances. But this is different. I have really been forced to look in the mirror this time. We had never gone more than 48 hours without talking prior to this. I’m just afraid she has decided to move on in her mind. She is a determined girl. When she sets her mind to things she moves full force as she did with her divorce and never looked back.

      We essentially had to hide our relationship for the first year because she worked for me and we just had to do everything backwards including not dating normally, being confined to our houses and then the alcohol fueled rages by me that were almost monthly. I am a successful professional and have everything else together, I could never quite figure her out and my profound feelings for her.

    3. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 25, 2018 at 3:13 am

      I hope I am right too. Relationships are almost always tricky. Time has a way of knocking down the negative. Hard to hold on to all that negative energy.

  7. Avatar

    Melisa

    April 8, 2018 at 7:18 pm

    I’m doing the no contact period and he’s getting mad.. he’s saying things like “you fr not gonna text me back” and “alright then be like that, I wanted to tell you smr but I guess you don’t want to hear it so I’ll leave you alone” .. am I losing him ?? Or is that just how he’s reacting and should I text him back ?

    1. Jennifer Seiter

      Jennifer Seiter

      April 10, 2018 at 7:02 pm

      That is totally normal for him to be angry at first. You are not losing him. He’s just saying things to try to get you to react. This is very common during no contact.

  8. Avatar

    jennifer

    January 20, 2018 at 3:18 am

    will the no contact rule apply if he doesn’t want to marry me because after he cheated on me, i get mad, i become suspicious, i always monitor his whereabouts and we ended up fighting almost daily.
    i cant forget what he did to me, he lied he blame me and make me believe that its my fault why he fall out of love only to discover that he is just having another girlfriend who is aware of my existence.

    now, because i confronted the girl, they separated but my boyfriend and i were not able to return back to old times (sweet and full of love) because i get traumatized when he said to me that he love the girl and fall out of love to me.

    now, we are still together but he is not making any effort to make up or if i get mad, he never make any effort to console me or never make any romantic move.

    we are not living together as we are not yet married, since he is always saying that its better for us to break up, i get tired and stop calling him or texting him. but i love him and missed him. and i am thinkin that he still communicate with the girl (since i have proof before). or maybe he have new one.

    please i need your advice

    will the no contact rule still possible?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 21, 2018 at 5:17 am

      Hi Jennifer,

      The nc rule is not guaranteed to work in any situation.. But shouldn’t you be the one declining marriage and being with him after he did that and is continuing to disrespect you?

  9. Avatar

    Eric

    January 13, 2018 at 2:05 pm

    Not dating sorry. But to keep in touch. We weren’t fighting or in any arguments. It was only to get passed her “wall”.

    Anyways, a few days ago I asked her how she was and she still wasn’t sure. Found out she was back on a dating site and already talking to someone new… That hurt.

    But your article helped me do much in understanding the no contact rule and hopefully I’ll never get to use it lol, but at least I now know!

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 15, 2018 at 11:57 am

      ah, like staying friends? Well, if you’re doing the nc rule, that means you need to stop initiating, replying or commenting back if she comments on your posts.

  10. Avatar

    Eric

    January 6, 2018 at 12:00 pm

    OK here goes. Started dating this girl. It was an instant connection. But we both had a terrible past. Mine got the best of me and I ended up saying something that hurt her whole in an argument.

    We tried to move past it, with time and limited contact, but she couldn’t bare not being part of my day. Do she decided to be active into it. ” more social”. Keep in mind, this wasn’t a no contact rule situation.

    I eventually made her see thst I screwed up and shouldn’t of said anything. But she still felt weird and had a wall up.
    We went on a date.. It was great. But she admitted of still not feeling herself. And she kept telling me she didn’t know and it wasn’t fair to me.

    Which ended me in saying, we go our seperate ways, and even telling her that I want us to start dating again. And then the no contact starts…

    I’m having a hell of a hard time.. Things like is she going to text me back, want me back, what can I do, is she going to date other guys?

    In all of this she was very straight forward in saying, if she wanted to leave me, she would’ve said it.. But she didn’t want that. . Only, I don’t know.. But I did leave her to give her a chance to think it through and start fresh..

    I’m all over the place.. Hope you get through idea..

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 9, 2018 at 1:10 pm

      Hi Eric,

      I’m confused too.. You told her you’re going separate ways but you asked her if you could start dating again?

  11. Avatar

    Sam

    December 19, 2017 at 6:39 am

    Hello 🙂

    I need advice on my situation please. I’ll try to make it short.

    We were together for 2 years, broke up a few months ago, but she’s with someone new now for 2 months; heres the thing.. they are getting serious very quickly which is weird.
    We really did have something very very special.

    I begged so much and was very emotional and I would cry and cry. that was last month.
    She refused and kept saying “its not fair” “its my time now” etc.

    This month we ended on bad terms because she came over on my birthday for the sake of it… her new bf picked her up from my place which I found very disrespectful so I gave her a piece of my mind on how rude that was and blocked her… the next day she blocks me back

    I’ve been trying this no contact rule for a week & a half now and she contacted me twice already…

    1st: She came over and wanted to see how I was doing; I was very normal and made it last for 10 minutes.

    2nd: 4 days later she calls me twice; I did not answer at all. on that day she unblocks me

    the next day she blocks me again(very stubborn btw). probably because i didn’t answer. and I never ever did that to her; i always used to be the one to fix or chase or call later on so she’s probably shocked…

    please any advice will do x

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 20, 2017 at 8:37 pm

      Hi Sam,
      unblock her and make your posts public.. That’s good that you didn’t answer her call but she has to know, she has to stop coming over..

  12. Avatar

    Gabrielle

    June 15, 2017 at 3:16 pm

    Hi,

    I just broke up with my bf a few days ago. We were on a long distance relationship for more than 2 years. He’s 26 years old and I am 25. One day before he told me that he wanted to break up with me, we were still on a good term. Then suddenly, i saw that he texted this girl on Instagram and deleted the message directly. I know about this message because I had access to his Instagram and I still got the notification about his message. After that, he told me that he promised he won’t contact this girl anymore. However, several hours after that I saw that he changed his Instagram password, then texted me he doesn’t love me anymore. He kept saying I am too busy with my life, until now even though we have to broke up he didn’t feel anything anymore.

    Do you think he really meant everything that he said? I am so broken right now. I kept texting him, and begging him. But he said he doesn’t even care about me anymore. If I do the no contact rule, will he talk to me again? Now he blocked me, so I cannot talk to him. Please help me?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 17, 2017 at 6:21 pm

  13. Avatar

    Tim

    May 27, 2017 at 1:42 am

    Saturday night had a discussion with my girlfriend we have been dating 7 months. She was wanting me to commit to marriage and I told her I was not ready yet. Then she said she could not be where I was religiously. That night she went to bed and I went to bed a couple hours later ( she had to be at work at 5). I laid next to her prayed and asked God to help her with her decision to stay with me or leave me. 4:30 in the morning she got up and defriended me and all my family and friends then left a note said we are on to separate paths. She said she loved me so much and she was sorry. Three days went by I texted her asked her what was going on, and she replied the same thing we are on two separate paths. I asked her if she was done and she replied she did not know…. and she needs time and might have not been ready. So after that I deleted all texts and phone numbers and deleted all pics. Now I am on day 1 of NC. What should I do?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 29, 2017 at 3:00 pm

  14. Avatar

    Terry

    May 3, 2017 at 9:16 am

    Hi
    Hope my comment was submitted

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 3, 2017 at 7:52 pm

      if you dont have proof let it go.. you’re just wasting energy and time about it..

  15. Avatar

    Terry

    May 3, 2017 at 9:13 am

    Hi?
    I keep on having this feeling that my ex used to have other girls in his life(cheating on me).I am worried that what i am feeling might be true but so far i don’t have any prove. I feel he is kinda secretive and wouldn’t talk about it even if I asked. All he will say is he is not cheating and I should trust him. I have had the feeling that he is cheating for a long time even while we were dating.
    We broke up because we fight a lot and he said he had no intention of coming back. I’m improving myself and after the article above i am willing to complete my no contact and focus on me but now I’m having the fear that he has other girls in his life. I got a conversation he was having with his guy friends only and it was nasty. They talked about girls and how they would fuck them and they said that dating is stupid. I approached him about it and he said that’s just a conversation guys have. I couldn’t trust him and I felt like he was cheating(me finding the conversation was before we broke up)
    So after we broke up i also found out that he asked my friend to find him a girl yet he said he wasn’t after sex and he’s not dating soon. I feel like he’s a player and he’s not affected by the break up because he’ll find or he already has plenty of girls. Would he even consider coming back if he does?
    Am I just worried for no reason or could it be true he is cheating as i felt he was and what should I do to not have that feeling anymore?i have no intentions of texting him coz I’m determined to make improvements on myself. Please help me know how to deal with the feeling that he may be seeing other girls already during this period I’m doing no contact. I fear him falling for other girls and even during our relationship other girls were an issue. His clique may have influenced him more that having other girls is okay but I feel bad because I love him. Help me Amor know how to deal with my situation.

  16. Avatar

    HP

    May 1, 2017 at 7:03 pm

    Hi Amor ,
    I’m HP the girl that said I’ll move on. I hope you remember me. Today is the 10th day of no contact period. I changed alot. I got new hair . I didn’t call my ex. And I’m Super Active on Facebook. Now I’m seeing another guy hee hee. You know ? I don’t want my ex back anymore. Coz I found someone who is much better than him. Let’s call him M.
    We’ve been texting for a week. We met once. M likes me and yep I like him hee hee. But I don’t want him to know that . Coz I don’t want to do the same mistake. I don’t want to rush into a relationship. I want to take time . I don’t want to be a desperate girl. Could you please tell me how to attrack him without letting him know that I like
    him? I’m doing the ungettable girl things but I don’t want to push him away.

    I hope you’ll reply my comment.
    Love you.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 2, 2017 at 6:39 pm

      that’s good! don’t stop improving yourself and having your own life.. have fun talks, have fun when you see each other but always leave at high point

  17. Avatar

    Minmoo

    April 24, 2017 at 3:54 am

    It has been a week since my ‘ex’ went NC on me. We argued over him flirting with women. I went mad. I sent a few texts asking him why are you doing this to me then ended up calling him a good 20 times, which he ignored. I sent a email asking him to stay away if he’s going to pursue other women-after the 20 phone calls. To which he did 🙁
    So who is implementing the NC and do I stay silent? I have done for a week. It’s very unusual for him as he usualy texts/emails after a few days. Please advise, thank you

    1. Avatar

      Minmoo

      June 10, 2017 at 11:21 pm

      Update***
      It’s nearly 80 days n/c. Made it and some! Ex texts every few weeks. His latest was in 6th June saying: hey worm, hope your ok lass even if you hateee me nowww xxx :}
      I hate the way he sounds so ‘happy and casual’ . I find it patronising. Is that what he’s doing or is he just saying ‘hey’ so to get a Holla back.
      Thank you…

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 14, 2017 at 9:39 am

      It’s more of the later

    3. Avatar

      Minmoo

      May 13, 2017 at 4:18 am

      Hi Amor,
      It will be 40 days NC tomorrow. I have no idea what to say/do to the subject involved. He has been in contact via text and email. Slight jibes and tactics. He even asked if we weren’t friends anymore last week.. Really not sure what to do. Any ideas, thank you.

    4. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 13, 2017 at 2:41 pm

      did you reply? if you did, you broke nc.. if you didn’t check this one:
      EBR 053: Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message

    5. Avatar

      Minmoo

      May 3, 2017 at 8:39 am

      Update …so he messaged 8 days later. First he asked how’s me. Then a ‘Oi’. Then asked if I’d had my results (a test I was having done) then he called me ignorant. Later on he started being explicit asking me to come over… I didn’t respond.
      He has the nerve to ask me that. I am no booty call. He is blocked on social media though I talk a bit to his mum who has no idea of what’s going on. So it’s been 2 weeks and I’m hanging on in there. I doubt I would contact him at the end of NC. No idea what to say.

    6. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 3, 2017 at 7:49 pm

    7. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 29, 2017 at 8:16 pm

      You should start your own count and do at least 30 days.. That means being focused in healing and improving yourself for that month.

  18. Avatar

    Sarah

    April 18, 2017 at 8:06 pm

    Hey, thank you for all the great advice!
    I broke up with my ex 6 weeks ago, we were happy for 8 years then started having a few arguments a few months ago and things got worse. After I calmed down I wanted to make up but my ex said; he thought it was for the best, he loves me but doesn’t want to hurt me any more and that we want different things.
    I think he’s in a rebound relationship which he wont admit to and I have turned into the crazy ex, very emotional, needy and been a real pest. He has been nothing but kind and patient until the past weekend when I pushed him too far (I got drunk).
    I text him on Sunday to apologise and he didn’t reply, I waited 24hrs then I blocked him on Facebook and WhatsApp and started NC. My question is, did I do the right thing by blocking him? I just wanted to show him, without telling him, that I am trying to get over it.
    A friend of mine spoke to him yesterday and asked how he was, he replied – awful, you don’t even wanna know.
    I take some comfort that he’s suffering too, I don’t even know if I want him back, I feel desperate and like a drug addict so I blocked him for my own sanity too … should I have left the lines of communication open, so if he reaches out I can ignore him?
    Thank you! Sarah

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 25, 2017 at 5:51 pm

      Yup, unblock him

  19. Avatar

    Suzanne

    February 16, 2017 at 3:38 pm

    I’m on day 22 of the 30-day NC and having a really hard time heading into this last week. My ex has texted me four times during NC– a text about a sports team we like, a “hey,” a “miss you,” and “i’m sorry. goodbye.” The last one came a week ago, and I haven’t heard from him since. What are my chances of getting a response when NC ends if he said “goodbye” because I didn’t respond?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 16, 2017 at 8:42 pm

      Hi Suzanne,

      he’s just respecting your space.. But the fact that he is curious about you during nc, gives a good chance that he will respond.

  20. Avatar

    Hopeless

    February 7, 2017 at 6:37 pm

    Hello, I’ve been doing the NC for 33 days out of 45, and it’s been a big challenge, especially after the 30th day. Because he hasn’t contacted me at all, he is very stubborn, I am feeling a bit hopeless yet with hope, if that makes sense, and that hope is giving me more pain, you can say that I’m in limbo, which is where I was with him before we ended our friendship/relationship. Obviously, I want to be together again with him, but it has been very difficult to move on without moving on. Perhaps because I had to make new friends, change my lifestyle, and keep improving myself (thankfully I was already doing this so it’s not new). However, I feel the pain everyday, and since last week it’s like I’m back at week 1 or 2, it did not get better except for week 3, and I think I might’ve gotten a bit obsessed. I want the pain to go away yet I want to be with him, but I’m feeling hopeless that this will actually work since he said that he and I needed to work on ourselves before being in relationships, and it’s a long term thing. Also, I think he started to move on before we ended. I need advice. At the end of the 45 days, should I just ask for my stuff back and then play it by ear but probably try harder to forget about him and go back to NC, or text him as you suggested with the first shock/awe text? I’m a very hopeful and determined person, but perhaps it’s time to give up, accept that I lost him forever. Thank you for your help!

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 7, 2017 at 11:54 pm

      Hi Hopeless,

      try to rebuild rapport first.. if it doesn’t work out then continue moving on.. I think you need to go to counseling too.. Pain is ok, just dont get drowned in it..acknowledge the feeling then go back to your activity

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