By Chris Seiter

Updated on February 11th, 2021

About a year ago I announced on my podcast that I was considering doing coaching. Of course, that coaching was going to be paid.

I know…

I know…

I’m greedy.

But that all changed a few months ago when I was sitting with my wife in my office and I asked her one simple question,

I want to create content that blows people away. Something that they have never seen before…

That’s when she suggested that instead of asking people for money to coach them that I do it for free.

I’ll admit, it took me a little while to fully wrap my head around the idea because no relationship consultant, dating coach or match maker would ever do what they do for free.

But I guess we do 😉 .

That’s what makes us different.

That’s why people trust us and continually come back to visit this site.

Enter Whitney!

Whitney was someone who I had been helping for about a month so I knew her situation pretty well. I had identified her as a potential coaching client because her situation was interesting enough to feature.

After some bartering back and forth we agreed that she would be the ideal first live coaching client that I would take on. Here’s the video of our session,

Now, the thing that I am expecting you to get out of this is the simple fact that this is free.

Also, I am doing these live coaching sessions to prove a point.

The Point I Want To Prove: That out of all the “get your ex back” people out there I am pretty much the only one who has the guts to get on camera and coach someone.

My belief has always been that the proof is in the pudding and someone shouldn’t be a coach to someone if they don’t know what they are doing.

In other words, I am trying to show you through actions that I know what I am talking about.

But enough of the “power trip” by me.

Let’s take a look at Whitney’s situation.

Whitney’s “In-Depth” Situation

Before we started our one hour live session I asked Whitney to send me anything she could to help me better her chances.

Well, she did just that.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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She did just that in spades.

I remember opening up my email and receiving this uber long PDF document highlighting all of their important dates. Now, normally I would attach this document so you could see it with your own eyes. However, it’s important that we respect Whitney’s privacy.

So instead, I would like to show you the notes I took on her situation.

But before I do that I would like to let you in on what really is confusing Whitney.

Whitney want’s to know how to handle the first interaction with her ex boyfriend after the no contact rule.

That’s really where she stuck and really what we talked a lot about during this live coaching session.

Ok, so here is a quick rundown of her situation,

  • Whitney and her boyfriend were madly in love
  • He actually ended up flying her across the country to meet his parents
  • Things seemed to be going so well until “out of the blue” he broke up with her
  • Whitney guessed that the reasons for the breakup may have been the new roommates he had or a very serious health condition that he contracted

Hmm… you know what. We do a much better job of covering her situation in the actual recording so I will just leave it there.

I’d like to show you the notes I took on her situation

Looking at Whitney’s situation I can tell that there are going to be some major “headwinds” that she is going to face when it comes to getting him back.

The Major Headwind’s She Will Face

Headwind #1: Why Did He Really Break Up With Her?

Things seemed to be going so well and then “all of a sudden” he does a complete 180 and breaks up with her, why?

The Potential Reasons For Break Up:

  • The Health Condition (We have some evidence backing this up)
  • Going Too Fast, Too Soon (Not enough “chase” anymore.)
  • Something Unknown (Worst case scenario)

Headwind #2: Did You Date Long Enough To Form A Lasting Connection

Generally the better/stronger the connection that you have with your ex the easier it is to get them back.

She dated her ex for a little under two months. This probably wasn’t enough time to build a super strong connection.

So, we are going to have to find a way to make him establish more of a connection with her. We are going to try to weave that within her conversations with him.

My Personal Questions For Whitney

  1. What are your overall goals for a relationship with him? (Marriage, just dating and seeing where it goes?)
  2. Is there a major age difference between the two of you?
  3. Why do you want him back? What is your main reasons for wanting him back?

No Contact

Side Note: Most of the words written beyond this point are reminders to me on what to teach her during the live coaching call.

Whitney is actually in the minority of people who have approached the no contact rule in the right way. Make sure to congratulate her.

Make sure you make her list out every positive thing that she did during the no contact rule.

Has she utilized “The Holy Trinity?”

Emphasize the “Dating Yourself” philosophy to see if this is someone who she really wants to put the effort into winning back.

Texting

This seems to be where Whitney is stuck. She is afraid to start a conversation with her ex.

Her Goal With Texting Should Be…

The Tide Theory Mentality: Slowly but surely advancing the conversation intensity and frequency

The ultimate goal here is to get back on the speaking terms with her ex. Much like she was at the beginning of the relationship. However, I want her to be utilizing a few principles throughout the period that she attempts this.

Interdependence Theory: Teach her about the interdependence theory to highlight why he wouldn’t commit. Basically the interdependence theory states that human beings commit to each other based on a cost and benefit scenario. We try to maximize the benefits and minimize the costs. Three main factors are looked at,

  1. Satisfaction: Seemed high in his relationship with Whitney
  2. Alternatives: Average! I would say due to the fact that he might have wanted to live it up because of the health condition thing
  3. Investment: Low… 2 months dating?

Whitney can utilize her conversations with him to improve satisfaction, lower his alternatives and improve his investment in you

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

The other thing I want her to weave into her conversations is to utilize “The Peak-End Rule”

Peak-End Rule: Human beings usually remember an experience based on the peak of it and the end of it. Since you have such a STRONG peak and such an amicable end I think she would do well by doing subtle things to reinforce her peak or things that make him remember it.

Finally, I need to teach her how to construct a perfect first contact text message utilizing the following factors,

  1. Knowledge
  2. Story
  3. Action Phrase
  4. The Tie In (Optional)

The Results Of Our Coaching Session

Almost immediately after I had stopped recording our live coaching session Whitney wanted to try out the first contact text message that we had constructed on the coaching call.

I literally watched as she sent it to her ex.

Do you think he replied?

Of course he did!

I got this email from Whitney,

the-results

With this text message attached to it,

text-result

Interview Transcript

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72 thoughts on “Handling The First Time You Talk To Your Ex After The No Contact Rule (Live Coaching Session)”

  1. keshah

    April 17, 2018 at 11:30 pm

    I’ve 7 days left before the no contact finishes and im very scared to text my ex for some reason. As it’s a long distance one , we didn’t meet but we’re ment to in sep. And I’ve broken the no contact before with the reminder text and don’t wonna repeat it as it’s going to be a little fishy. I was thinking off texting him something like “hai, just wanted ask the name of that funny movie we watched ,and cried of laughter over, about this lady being possessed and the preast showing up as I want to watch it with one to my friends.” or something related to Sherlock Holmes as he made me addicted to that but im not the best at constructing texts but ya. He also has an interest in another a girl who is the complete opposite of me like she’s taller then him and very skinny which isn’t his type and he did go to prom with her but didn’t post any pictures but she did so his friend told me . I do still get a goodmorning and goodnight text everyday but I don’t reply so ya idk his excuse of breaking up was that he’s been on and off loving me for a month and long distance is hard and talking all the time brings no excitement even though everytime I left he always said ” boo do you have to??” even after we broke up as I kept contact for a week trying to change my mind.He now spends all his time with his friends or the new girl but his friend said to me that she thinks that the girls just a way trying to not think off me as they have lunch together and he doesnt bother with her or spend time with her then . I have changed my looks too like he always said I should get a fringe/bangs again which I have and trying to do stuff he liked about me and changed my style to what he found cute and attractive on me. But im so afraid to text him because I dont won’t to be friendzoned by him and he is very accepting and great but hates pushy people and ya.

    1. Chris Seiter

      April 18, 2018 at 5:29 am

      Hi Keshah…You do have my ebook, right? Just follow the advice in my ebooks on texting. I provide lots of examples.

    2. keshah

      April 18, 2018 at 6:13 pm

      hi Chris, I dont . which one do you think would be the best one for me ? the ex recover or the text bible ?? and does the pro have long distance things in it too??

    3. Chris Seiter

      April 18, 2018 at 10:08 pm

      Hi Keshah! They are both great. Huge books, with lots of material. Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro is the core ebook and covers everything. The Texting Bible has lots of content about types of texts you can use, but it goes into many other issues related to the ex recovery process. Buy one and if you like it, then get the other one.

    4. keshah

      April 19, 2018 at 12:51 pm

      hi chris last time im going to annoy you xD. are these ebooks right?? and do they work on guys who are very psychological as he is obsessed with psychology and he is turning 18 in 2 months and im older then him by nearly 2 years .

    5. Chris Seiter

      April 19, 2018 at 3:06 pm

      Hi Keshah. There is no foolproof system. No such thing. But the opportunity to optimize (improve) one’s chances in ex recovery is a real thing and I have written my ebooks with that in mind. Psychology is an important theme that runs through all my ebooks. Think of them as Companion Guides full of ideas and tactics. And by the way, you are not annoying me at all. Glad to hear from you!

    6. keshah

      April 19, 2018 at 8:32 pm

      hi Chris! I bought the ERP and honestly I feel so much at easy reading it now like it makes sense and I feel ready to start constructing the first text once i get to that part and get to read the long distance part too . thank you so much

    7. Chris Seiter

      April 19, 2018 at 10:41 pm

      Hi Keshah…that is an excellent resource. Consider it your Companion Guide as it covers off on so many situations and tactics you can employ.

    8. keshah

      April 18, 2018 at 8:11 am

      hi Chris, and no I dont as im waiting to get paid from work but I’ve to wait until next week and that’s whenni have to text him

    9. Chris Seiter

      April 18, 2018 at 11:14 pm

      Hi again. Good timing.

  2. Lo

    April 20, 2017 at 11:01 am

    Hi,

    I’m on day 15 of my NC period and I haven’t heard from my ex as of yet. He broke up with me at the beginning of March and there was a bit of back and forth since we lived together so he had to collect his stuff but I only responded to his texts if it was mandatory to give a response i.e. “Can I take my bed? Have you made arrangements to get one?”. After all of that, I started NC. However, I think I know him well enough to know that he won’t contact me and it will have to be me who instigates first contact after the NC period is up.

    Which leads me to my concern: I worry that he’s complacent with the no contact and that he will have no intention to contact me at all.

    Any advice would be much appreciated.

    Thanks,
    Lo

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 26, 2017 at 2:37 pm

      there’s a rest day in the tide theory.. and you will start small and then increasing number of texts day by day.. it’s not a hard rule..you can modify it if you want

  3. Anna

    February 28, 2017 at 10:55 pm

    Hi Amor!
    I just contacted my ex yesterday, he responded positively. He answered in two hours, well after that he answered almost instantly the second message. He asked me how was everyone (I followed the diagram) I didn’t message him until today. Well today I ended the conversation with that it was nice talking to him but that I had to go and he said lol and okay (Ana) likewise. He said lol because I had told him soemthing intended to be funny. The thing I wanted to ask is if I am doing good in taking long to answer maybe and hour- two hours tops; meanwhile he at first takes maybe an hour but it gets shorter as we continue to text each other? Is this good?

    – Thank you for your time!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 1, 2017 at 7:54 pm

      Hi Anna,

      Yes, that’s good!

  4. Mee

    February 8, 2017 at 8:50 am

    Hi Chris

    My ex boyfriend broke up with me almost 3 months ago saying that he lost feelings for me. I haven’t seen him since. I know he is fighting his feelings and creating distance because he doesn’t want to hurt me again but I truly believe we are soulmates. We were together for 19 months. We met each other’s families. I am his first girlfriend but I know he is the one! We have a 4 year age gap. I’m a varsity student and he just started working. I have been through the no contact period (which has not worked because it doesn’t look like he missed me), I have tried texting him but it seems like I have to keep the conversation going and he takes hours to reply. I want to ask him to meet to catch up but I’m afraid he says no. He always says things like “good luck for your future” as if it really is the end. I have identified that I may have been a little too emotional in the relationship, and at times unintentionally clingy. I think our communication may have been a problem during the relationship because we never had a fight, he was the type to avoid conflict. I am in desperate need for your help! What can I do? I tried the text to remind him of a good time but I had to keep the conversation going. He didn’t reply to my last text. What do I do?!? How can I ask to meet him?!? Please help me!!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 8, 2017 at 4:09 pm

      Hi Mee,

      if you didn’t build rapporr, dont ask him to meet.. when did you do nc, how long, how much did you improve and are you still improving yourrself?

  5. Sarah

    December 19, 2016 at 3:17 pm

    Hi!
    My Ex and I have met at our school. He seems friendly towards me and so on, but it’s still difficult to get him to answer when I text him. How do I get him to move closer to me?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 22, 2016 at 12:10 pm

      Hi Sarah,
      how long have you been texting? are you ending it in high note?

  6. Trish

    November 23, 2016 at 3:31 am

    Oh Amor- desperately need your help. About 45 days of no contacting, I ended up texting him about something Game of Thrones related. He responded to the text almost immediately but didn’t engage in the follow up message. A couple of weeks later, sent him a Snapchat about Cards & Against Humanity. No response. A couple of days ago (a good 2 months after the break up), he unfollowed me on Instagram & deleted me off Snapchat (but kept me on FB). The sort of content I post on Insta & Snapchat is always pretty light hearted & nothing indicates I am crying myself to sleep every night (or waking up in the middle of the night from the same bad dream). I’ve deleted my own social presence once again & want to be off it for a few weeks until I sort myself out.
    Q: why would he delete me off social out of the blue? Am at total loss on what to do. How can you get back with someone if they don’t want you to have access to their life? How do you respond to this? I’m definitely not going to get in touch for sure!

  7. Natalie

    November 18, 2016 at 8:24 pm

    Hi. Im on my 20 th day of nc. I met my ex a nightclub 2 weeks ago. We said hi and I left the nightclub without him. Do I have to start over? We are going to a concert in 4 weeks. Should I just keep on doing nc until then or should I start texting when nc is over?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 21, 2016 at 1:29 pm

      HI Natalie,

      you dont have to restart the count and yes, you can initiate texting after the no contact period but what’s more important is that you continue improving yourself now and after nc

  8. Melanie

    November 10, 2016 at 12:32 pm

    Any updates with Whitney?? I’d love to hear how this turned out!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 13, 2016 at 5:29 pm

      I’ll ask Chris 🙂

  9. May

    October 29, 2016 at 11:53 am

    Hello, broke up with my ex nearly a year ago. been talking now and then did all the steps and failed. Trying them again. This time im being more cautious. I didnt speak to him for 2 months. As im blocked everywhere i emailed him and said i had free theatre tickets from work and if he wanted one. He replied saying yes. Then we exchanged a few emails. literally one or 2 sentences. Its my bday in 2 weeks and all his mates are coming. I sent him another email saying all his mates will be there so if he wanted to come along he can. He said he would think about it. Got a message yday saying he will be coming.
    we havent been flirty on email but theyre just nice convos. not too friendly either. so the first time i’ll see him will be at my bday. im going to treat him like all my other friends but im nervous esp cos i dont know how it will go down.
    Why do you think he’s even coming to my bday? Just to be friends? although the last thing he said to me when we spoke 2 months ago is that we will never be friends.

    1. May

      November 13, 2016 at 8:58 am

      I’m so confused. My ex bf came to my bday dinner on Friday. He was so nice he bought all my friends drinks and was making an effort with them all. I had not seen him 5 months. I thought maybe cos he didn’t want to feel left out so he came? I texted him the next day hope u got home ok and found ur bag?. No reply. I put pics on fb but we’re not fb friends he added me to see the pics. I fbk messaged him saying can u meet me sometime this week to collect the free theatre tickets. He hasnt replied. But he has been online. So I’ve basically not got a response or heard from him since my bday dinner. He even walked me to my cab saying how beautiful I looked but he was quite drunk. I’m so confused. I won’t message him again. But is he friend zoning me?

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 15, 2016 at 10:10 am

      Nope, he didnt friendzone you, he’s ghosting you.. I think he was just nice to your friends for his own sake

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 31, 2016 at 6:24 pm

      Hi May,
      did you mean you chased him before? if you assessbit from his perspective now would you still look like you’re chasing him?

  10. Ro

    October 10, 2016 at 5:18 pm

    Hi Chris and Amor,
    I just came out of NC less than a week ago and your advice worked well. Almost too well!!! Basically, my ex is totally skipping steps! My initial contact text was awesome, and I tried to end the conversation after a few texts, but he just kept it going and going. We’ve been out of NC for less than a week and are headed on our 3rd date tomorrow. Nothing physical, all totally PG, but I’m not sure what to do. He skipped phone calls, asked me straight out on day 1 of contact, skipped coffee and took me straight out for dinner. He’s made it totally obvious that he’s missing me and leaving me was a mistake. I think this is headed for reconciliation for sure, so do I keep going at the pace he’s setting? Or do I still try tide theory? I don’t want to mess it up because it seems like it’s going too well!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 11, 2016 at 11:26 am

      Hi Ro,

      it’s moving too fast.. I’m not saying you should say no if he asks you back, but yes, continue on in the tide theory if he doesn’t ask you back..

  11. EBR Team Member: Amor

    October 7, 2016 at 12:49 pm

    yes, do you want me to delete all of your comments?

  12. nicolle chadwick

    October 4, 2016 at 4:09 pm

    Hello. I am 8 months pregnant and my boyfriend and I just recently broke up. I am 24 years old and he is 23 years old. This is my first child and this is his second. I don’t know what to do. I want him back in my life. I broke him up with due to conflict in communication and the influence of his friends. We were only together for 7 months. Please help

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 6, 2016 at 8:43 pm

      Hi Nicole,

      When did you last talk? You need to read this one:
      How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back If You Are Pregnant

  13. Trish

    October 4, 2016 at 1:50 pm

    Every breakup- I’ve had until now, I’ve been upset and heartbroken but always got through telling myself that I am better off without them (and they come back in one form or the other). BUT, all of this changed until my most recent break up. Would desperately love your advice/thoughts on this.

    In June, moved over to the other side of the world (An Australian in New York) and met someone pretty unexpectedly. Wasn’t really looking for anything as I was too busy trying to familiarise myself in a new environment (land the job, sort out the apartment, make some friends, travel etc). We decided that while we weren’t official (gf/bf), we were dating exclusively and really getting to know each other. Once I felt a lot more settled, we would then ‘officialise’ it. Long story short, got into a huge drunken row (over getting into a nightclub!) in August & he unexpectedly pulled the plug (after a month of needing ‘space’ & still wanting to see me!) . His rationale for breaking up was:
    1. He can’t see us get past the fight (where he was being a stubborn dick)
    2. I am not emotionally ready for this move (note: I didn’t know him until I moved up to NY and unfortunately he saw the vulnerable/emotional side to me as I experienced homesickness, job rejections & general unsettlement when you move half way across the world without a support system)
    3. He rather me ‘focus on doing my own thing’

    To say I was devastated is an understatement. Being heartbroken in a completely new country sucks! If we realised that we want different things in life/our values don’t match, then the breakup (to me) was justified. However, I feel like he just threw away a pretty good partnership.

    While I work on settling in & enjoying the expat experience, I would very much like to ‘win’ him back. Why: Apart from having the most epic physical, emotional, mental connection, I feel like we are very much on the same path (have same life goals) & we have SO much fun together. (24 hours before the drunken fight, he told me he’s had the best non-sex related date ever)

    Initially I
    1. Started the no contact rule but he got in touch re a death in his family. Responded like a gnat (2 x messages & 1 call to check up on him) but he didn’t respond back. I haven’t approached him since & am back to abiding by the no contact role.
    2. Deleted my social presence for about 2 weeks (deactivated my FB, Instagram) accounts to give myself some time off & him to miss me. Reactivated my accounts, posted a mix of professional & fun pics. (Sounds so superficial, but it feels good when over a 150 friends like your profile pic. Plus made me realise I’m not alone!)

    After the next 50 days of no contacting/responding, what can I do? Currently, in the midst of “doing my own thing” ; travelling, kicking butt at finding work, making new friends, working out. Any help is much appreciated!

    1. Trish

      January 19, 2017 at 10:52 pm

      Hey Amor- happy new year! I hope 2017 brings everything you wish for & more! Just wanted to give you an update on my situation. Since we last spoke, the ex & I haven’t been in touch. It just hurts too much to flirt with the idea of trying to win him back. This sounds ridiculous but my gut tells me he’s moved on with someone else & obviously sees a future without me. While it’s a really sad & bitter pill to digest I do feel moving on is the best option. Thanks for all your help x

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 21, 2017 at 2:22 pm

      Thank you Trish! That means a lot.. If you really want to move on, that’s good.. Choosing yourself is always the best option.. I hope you find more happiness this year too!

    3. Trish

      November 23, 2016 at 3:32 am

      Oh Amor- desperately need your help. About 45 days of no contacting, I ended up texting him about something Game of Thrones related. He responded to the text almost immediately but didn’t engage in the follow up message. A couple of weeks later, sent him a Snapchat about Cards & Against Humanity. No response. A couple of days ago (a good 2 months after the break up), he unfollowed me on Instagram & deleted me off Snapchat (but kept me on FB). The sort of content I post on Insta & Snapchat is always pretty light hearted & nothing indicates I am crying myself to sleep every night (or waking up in the middle of the night from the same bad dream). I’ve deleted my own social presence once again & want to be off it for a few weeks until I sort myself out.
      Q: why would he delete me off social out of the blue? Am at total loss on what to do. How can you get back with someone if they don’t want you to have access to their life? How do you respond to this? I’m definitely not going to get in touch for sure!

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 25, 2016 at 4:32 pm

      Hmm.. It can mean it hurts for him to see your posts or he thinks you’re just doing it to look happy.. I agree to take a rest from it for a few weeks for now..if he’s still unresponsive, then you have to move on

    5. Trish

      October 14, 2016 at 3:41 pm

      Thanks so much Amor! The hardest part is staying strong. This sounds so pathetic but the evening he pulled the plug (over text), I’ve never sobbed so much as I have that night. Couldn’t sleep for about 2 weeks afterwards. 🙁 Am about 2 weeks away from the 45 day no contact but am tossing up about extending it until 50-60. In your experience, when should someone extend the no contact period?

    6. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 14, 2016 at 5:15 pm

      when they didn’t improve.. If you’re going to breakdown on your first contact text, better not do it..

    7. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 6, 2016 at 6:16 pm

      Hi Trish,

      you’re already doing what you need to do.. just stay strong in it. And then take it slow when you get back in touch again. It looks like you already know what to do.. just be consistent with your developments.