Handling The First Time You Talk To Your Ex After The No Contact Rule (Live Coaching Session)

Will Text Messages Be THE THING That Gets Your Ex Back?

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About a year ago I announced on my podcast that I was considering doing coaching. Of course, that coaching was going to be paid.

I know…

I know…

I’m greedy.

But that all changed a few months ago when I was sitting with my wife in my office and I asked her one simple question,

I want to create content that blows people away. Something that they have never seen before…

That’s when she suggested that instead of asking people for money to coach them that I do it for free.

I’ll admit, it took me a little while to fully wrap my head around the idea because no relationship consultant, dating coach or match maker would ever do what they do for free.

But I guess we do 😉 .

That’s what makes us different.

That’s why people trust us and continually come back to visit this site.

Enter Whitney!

Whitney was someone who I had been helping for about a month so I knew her situation pretty well. I had identified her as a potential coaching client because her situation was interesting enough to feature.

After some bartering back and forth we agreed that she would be the ideal first live coaching client that I would take on. Here’s the video of our session,

Now, the thing that I am expecting you to get out of this is the simple fact that this is free.

Also, I am doing these live coaching sessions to prove a point.

The Point I Want To Prove: That out of all the “get your ex back” people out there I am pretty much the only one who has the guts to get on camera and coach someone.

My belief has always been that the proof is in the pudding and someone shouldn’t be a coach to someone if they don’t know what they are doing.

In other words, I am trying to show you through actions that I know what I am talking about.

But enough of the “power trip” by me.

Let’s take a look at Whitney’s situation.

Whitney’s “In-Depth” Situation

Before we started our one hour live session I asked Whitney to send me anything she could to help me better her chances.

Well, she did just that.

She did just that in spades.

I remember opening up my email and receiving this uber long PDF document highlighting all of their important dates. Now, normally I would attach this document so you could see it with your own eyes. However, it’s important that we respect Whitney’s privacy.

So instead, I would like to show you the notes I took on her situation.

But before I do that I would like to let you in on what really is confusing Whitney.

Whitney want’s to know how to handle the first interaction with her ex boyfriend after the no contact rule.

That’s really where she stuck and really what we talked a lot about during this live coaching session.

Ok, so here is a quick rundown of her situation,

  • Whitney and her boyfriend were madly in love
  • He actually ended up flying her across the country to meet his parents
  • Things seemed to be going so well until “out of the blue” he broke up with her
  • Whitney guessed that the reasons for the breakup may have been the new roommates he had or a very serious health condition that he contracted

Hmm… you know what. We do a much better job of covering her situation in the actual recording so I will just leave it there.

I’d like to show you the notes I took on her situation

Looking at Whitney’s situation I can tell that there are going to be some major “headwinds” that she is going to face when it comes to getting him back.

The Major Headwind’s She Will Face

Headwind #1: Why Did He Really Break Up With Her?

Things seemed to be going so well and then “all of a sudden” he does a complete 180 and breaks up with her, why?

The Potential Reasons For Break Up:

  • The Health Condition (We have some evidence backing this up)
  • Going Too Fast, Too Soon (Not enough “chase” anymore.)
  • Something Unknown (Worst case scenario)

Headwind #2: Did You Date Long Enough To Form A Lasting Connection

Generally the better/stronger the connection that you have with your ex the easier it is to get them back.

She dated her ex for a little under two months. This probably wasn’t enough time to build a super strong connection.

So, we are going to have to find a way to make him establish more of a connection with her. We are going to try to weave that within her conversations with him.

My Personal Questions For Whitney

  1. What are your overall goals for a relationship with him? (Marriage, just dating and seeing where it goes?)
  2. Is there a major age difference between the two of you?
  3. Why do you want him back? What is your main reasons for wanting him back?

No Contact

Side Note: Most of the words written beyond this point are reminders to me on what to teach her during the live coaching call.

Whitney is actually in the minority of people who have approached the no contact rule in the right way. Make sure to congratulate her.

Make sure you make her list out every positive thing that she did during the no contact rule.

Has she utilized “The Holy Trinity?”

Emphasize the “Dating Yourself” philosophy to see if this is someone who she really wants to put the effort into winning back.

Texting

This seems to be where Whitney is stuck. She is afraid to start a conversation with her ex.

Her Goal With Texting Should Be…

The Tide Theory Mentality: Slowly but surely advancing the conversation intensity and frequency

The ultimate goal here is to get back on the speaking terms with her ex. Much like she was at the beginning of the relationship. However, I want her to be utilizing a few principles throughout the period that she attempts this.

Interdependence Theory: Teach her about the interdependence theory to highlight why he wouldn’t commit. Basically the interdependence theory states that human beings commit to each other based on a cost and benefit scenario. We try to maximize the benefits and minimize the costs. Three main factors are looked at,

  1. Satisfaction: Seemed high in his relationship with Whitney
  2. Alternatives: Average! I would say due to the fact that he might have wanted to live it up because of the health condition thing
  3. Investment: Low… 2 months dating?

Whitney can utilize her conversations with him to improve satisfaction, lower his alternatives and improve his investment in you

The other thing I want her to weave into her conversations is to utilize “The Peak-End Rule”

Peak-End Rule: Human beings usually remember an experience based on the peak of it and the end of it. Since you have such a STRONG peak and such an amicable end I think she would do well by doing subtle things to reinforce her peak or things that make him remember it.

Finally, I need to teach her how to construct a perfect first contact text message utilizing the following factors,

  1. Knowledge
  2. Story
  3. Action Phrase
  4. The Tie In (Optional)

The Results Of Our Coaching Session

Almost immediately after I had stopped recording our live coaching session Whitney wanted to try out the first contact text message that we had constructed on the coaching call.

I literally watched as she sent it to her ex.

Do you think he replied?

Of course he did!

I got this email from Whitney,

the-results

With this text message attached to it,

text-result

Interview Transcript:

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Alright, we’re officially live now. Ok so, let’s begin! I’m thinking probably the best way to start this off is for you just to give us a quick look at your situation.

You don’t have to go too much in depth or in detail or anything like that. Maybe just 3-4 minutes. So, everyone listening who’s tuning in can get kind of an idea of what’s going on with your situation. 

Whitney

Whitney

Ok.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

And by the way, this is Whitney.

Whitney

Whitney

Thank you Chris. So, I was in a relationship for about 9 weeks and I am 28 years old. My ex boyfriend is also 28 years old and at this stage in life, I know what I want and he knows what he wants. We’ve dated multiple people and I’ve been in several relationships which have failed but at 28 years old, we moved very quickly.

I mean I’m very old fashioned and I feel like as a woman, men should be pursuing women and so, I don’t typically instigate the serious talk but my ex boyfriend initiated serious conversations within two days after our first date. Saying that he already felt like I was the one and saying he’s never felt this way and it’s crazy and we moved very quickly.

Within the first two weeks of us dating, he asked me to fly across the country to meet his family. And he told me I was the first girl to ever meet his family and when I was visiting his family were telling me how crazy it is that my ex boyfriend brought me on the trip because he’s never brought a girl home to meet the family.

So, as you can tell–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

They got to make you feel good too doing that.

Whitney

Whitney

It did! And you know, something I thought was so sweet and I still to this day admire about his mom is the fact that she pulled me aside when I met her and gave me hug and she said,

“I am so glad that my son has met you. You bring out the best in him and I am so glad it’s you. You fit right in.”

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

That has to make you feel good. That would make me feel good. 

Whitney

Whitney

Yeah, A mom to say that about her son’s girlfriend. That’s very important and it’s huge but like I said we got very serious quickly and I don’t know if that’s where things kind of got sour? Like the honeymoon phase is over? I mean if I have to explain our relationship, it was 9 weeks bottled up into a year and a half or two years.

I felt like I’ve known him for a lot longer but you know he made a point to say that he wished that we could skip all the formalities etc. After we went on the 4th of July to visit his family, things changed a little bit. I know that his work load had increased a lot and I was stressing him out. And he owns his own home and he’s lived by himself so, he’s been very independent and alone for a long time and he had a few guys move in with him and they’re younger guys that go out a little bit more than he does.

So, I feel like things changed once they moved in and additionally, there is a health condition that him and his sister both did some genetic testing. There’s a health condition that runs in his family and so they just were trying to be precautionary and rule everything out but he actually tested positive for carrying a gene for this specific condition. 

So, I know for sure his mom was very stressed out about that. My exboyfriend however, he didn’t seem very stressed. He was just more reserved. He was just anticipating, you know waiting two months to see a cardiologist and any specialist associated with this. I did the no contact. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

You did it well, by the way. 

Whitney

Whitney

Thank you! It was awesome. I highly recommend anyone going through a break up to do no contact. It works without a doubt. There were definitely days where I felt weak and I doubted the fact that I would hear from him and I know that traditionally it’s 30 days  no contact, as for me, I did 45. 

Because we end up going I think, around 40 days no contact but before you know it, I heard from him. And I think part of what–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I think it’s important for you to tell what he said when you heard from him. 

Whitney

Whitney

Yes so–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Obviously ,we don’t have to get to too many details but this is an important aspect here. 

Whitney

Whitney

It is and I’ll definitely tell you about that but I would like to share with any women listening because this has impacted me personally a lot with my confidence but just with my social life and my attitude regarding the break up.

Doing the no contact, don’t just do no contact. You also do no contact but do yourself. You want to treat yourself. So, do something that makes you feel pretty. Go get lash extensions, go get your hair color, go get your nails done but don’t just do that.

Do something that helps others. So, I got involved with Big Brothers, Big Sisters and I submitted an application to become a big sister. So, I can have a little and take them out to do fun activities but in addition to that, I was recently recognized for one of my cities most wanted which every year, there are about 30 professionals that are nominated for being recognized in regards to what they’re doing in the community or how they are doing good things within they’re career in their industry. 

So, I’ve been kind of getting exposed professionally.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Phenomenal actually. Yeah, it’s perfect. That’s exactly what you want to do. 

Whitney

Whitney

Yes. So, I’ve been able to go to all of this events related to being recognized as one of my cities most wanted and it’s been very rewarding because I am not only making a difference in my community and helping to raise money for children but at the end of the day, it’s just–when I can make someone else’s day, my day is made.

And so if you kind of have that mentality, you’re going to get through it and you’re going to feel better and you’re going to come across as a better person, happier person and more confident. So, with that said, I did end up hearing from my ex boyfriend after 40 or so days. And it wasn’t via text, it wasn’t a phone call, it wasn’t Facebook message.

It was Snapchat. And what I ended up being was, a Snapchat directly to me and there was an image, he sent of his lab results but after he saw a specialist for this genetic mutation, I think all along he probably was fearful of his life, looking back, because it is a serious condition if he did actually have the physical mutation within his body but he sent a Snapchat of his results from the specialist and they ruled out that he has, there’s no evidence of the mutation and he just carries the gene.

So he sent me that, circled the results and he sent a text on the photo and said, “Good news on my labs!” And so for me, I didn’t see this for a few hours and if I have seen it, I soon he saw it–ladies, I recommend wait two hours.

Let him kind of wonder. That’s what I always do initially but I ended up responding and I–something I kind of live by is, “Kill them with kindness”, and I responded to that Snaphat. We have Snaptext and I said,

“That’s great news! I hope everything else is going well for you :)”

So, he responded right away and said,

“Hope all is well of you too.” 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

And that’s where we are right now.

Whitney

Whitney

Yup. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

We are up to date. That is where Whitney is right now. 

Whitney

Whitney

Yeah.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Ok. So, there’s a number of things that I wanted to cover with you. So, obviously I wanted to give you kudos on the no contact rule. You have no idea how many people come to the website and fail every single day.

It’s probably like an 80-85% fail rate on the no contact rule but the factt that you actually went out and actually did things that were positive for you and your life that is really kudos to you. But I know when we talked before we obviously start recording this, you were confused about what to do going forward.

You didn’t know if you were going to contact him but you even had kind of an issue on whether or not you wanted to get him back which is kind of where I wanted to start. I wanted to start by asking you what you really want. So, I know that is like that most general question anyone can ask you but what is it that you want.

Like if you look deep down inside like, if you could honestly, just be brutally honest. If you want him back, that is fine but if you do want to get over him, we can obviously kind of segway towards that but I won’t obviously go into–now that I have kind of a more in depth discussion of your situation,  I can give you some more insights into why he’s acting the way he’s acting and everything. But let’s just start by kind of defining a clear goal. So, what is it that you want? 

Whitney

Whitney

Great question. What I want is someone who’s mature. Someone who communicates well. Someone I am attracted to. Yes, that does sound shallow and what not but–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

No. It’s absolutely not and I think–

Whitney

Whitney

You initiate a relationship–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I think looks–no matter what you do, they come into the picture. It’s a fact and I think anyone who doesn’t really agree with that maybe needs to wake up a little bit because that’s the society we live in nowadays. 

Whitney

Whitney

I agree but looks aren’t everything.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

They definitely aren’t.

Whitney

Whitney

Even if he’s the hottest guy on earth but once he says  a few words you’re like,”Oh..” It ruins it. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Exactly. There’s more to it than looks for sure. 

Whitney

Whitney

Yeah, but for me personally, I am passionate about my career, family and friends and I like to try to keep things upbeat and positive. So, I look forward something similar in a man but communication and attraction, those are two very important aspects and faith. Not everyone is religious bu, and it’s not that I go to Church every Sunday but I’m a believer in God and I am looking for someone I can spend my life with and have fun with. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Ok, so you’re looking for more of the marriage type of a situation. So, you are looking for someone who you can potentially marry?

Whitney

Whitney

Exactly.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Alright. So, I think what we’re going to do here is try to identify if this is the ex for that because he may be. I’ve interviewed a guy last week. His name was Neil Sattin and his now fiance, they had a break up and it was actually that break up that caused them to eventually get together. So, it can work.

So, there’s definitely hope there but I think the important thing– So, that’s what you’re really looking for. So, I think maybe a good idea is to look and see if this is the guy for that. 

Whitney

Whitney

I can answer that for you.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Ok. Go for it. 

Whitney

Whitney

I will tell you this. So, I have always asked my mom and my sister, “How do you know when it’s the one?” and your wife has probably asked her friends and family the same.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

She was talking about this very thing yesterday. I’m not even kidding. 

Whitney

Whitney

I would like to see what she says. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

We did an interview yesterday on some podcast called Together. Where we were talking about our relationship and she said the exact same thing like, “I just knew he was the one.” So, I’m assuming that’s where you going with it. 

Whitney

Whitney

Yes! My mom and sister, they have both said, “You just know” and I’m like, “Well, how do I know?” That’s like the worst answer you can give me mom!

But they are absolutely correct because the moment I met my ex, after our first date, the rest was history.

Like literally felt like I will not be dating anyone else ever again and we were both just infatuated with one another and the faith was there, the family was there, the career was there. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

So, on paper he was the right guy. 

Whitney

Whitney

Yes, there is one downfall too actually. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

No one’s perfect. 

Whitney

Whitney

Yeah. They say not to look for a 100%. Look for 80%. The other 20% you can work with but with him, he is very attractive and I’m very loyal so, if we go anywhere public, of course girls are going to check him out.

And of course guys will check me out like I’m confident in who I am and what not but I also respect loyalty in any relationship and if a guy checks me out, I don’t really eat it up. I don’t–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I see. You don’t kind off take it. Maybe try to make him a little jealous. 

Whitney

Whitney

I don’t. I’m not like that. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Was he like that?

Whitney

Whitney

Not intentionally. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Oh ok. 

Whitney

Whitney

Girls are so much different than guys. Girls will throw themselves at a hot guy. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Sometimes. Sometimes they’re a little subtle I would say. 

Whitney

Whitney

Yeah. Oh yeah but I noticed that a few, you know a few different times we had gone out with friends and that bothered me. I can get over it but that was one thing that did bother me.

Something more important though, the second thing is with his job, he works for a company where he might be assigned to a job in another state. Like he was assigned a job in Pennsylvania and he was actually there for 2 years. It went a lot longer than expected. Typically this projects should be 6-8 months. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Ok, so this is something definitely important to look at. Especially if you’re looking to marry the guy. 

Whitney

Whitney

Yes. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

So, I guess I’m going to start. I have a lot of experience with long distance relationships because my wife were in one for 6 months ok?

And the only reason that our relationship really worked out is I had this job and I can really do it from anywhere. You know, remotely. It’s an internet type thing.

I had the ability to move from Texas to Pennsylvania. Interesting that he had the job there. And now we’re in Florida so, we’ve been all over the place but do you have the kind of job that can do that? Is that like a realistic option for you? 

Whitney

Whitney

I don’t. Unless I start podcasting with you and I’m getting–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Hahaha! Ok hold on!

Whitney

Whitney

With what you do, because you are like a relationship whisperer. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Oh thank you! Thank you! Just stop, stop, stop, stop..

Whitney

Whitney

Hahaha no, seriously. I don’t. I’ve got a great career here where I live. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

So, you’re pretty happy with your career right?

Whitney

Whitney

I’m pretty happy and what’s crazy is I live 3 hours from all of my family and he lives states away from his but in our relationship when we were together, he did mention, well there’s ways around him not travelling. Number 1, dependent upon his genetic testing, the results, that could restrict him from travelling. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I see. 

Whitney

Whitney

That’s factored out. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, he no longer has that. 

Whitney

Whitney

But I think it’s the younger engineers for example, at his company that they really go out on this job sites. So, it’s like the first 6, 8-10 years. He’s been there probably 6 years already but he’s mentioned that we can either make it work or we’ll figure out. Like I’ll do whatever I can to make it work. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah. Definitely a fly in the ointment. I’m not saying it’s a killer because he’s not. He’s still pretty close to where you are, I’m assuming. 

Whitney

Whitney

Umhmm, right now. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

So, he’s not yet but–

Whitney

Whitney

Yeah and we don’t know of any job. Like I mean he might not have a job that he knows of until next week. They can be like, “Ok, you’re going to go back to Pennsylvania for this new bid we won.” So, I feel uneasy. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, yeah. I think it’s something you definitely have to consider. It is something that you really can not consider because it could happen and even if you put all this work into trying to get him back, it could change the dynamic completely because then you’d be sort of in a long distance relationship.

I’m not saying that they can’t work but they can’t work long term. You can’t stay in a long distance relationship forever you know? So, I think it is something to consider.

I certainly have my opinion. My opinion on what you should do is probably give it shot and see where it goes and you know hope for the best but expect the worst at the same time and I think you have a really good head on your shoulders because you even mentioned to me before we start recording that you would be kind of ok even if it didn’t work out. Like you’re not going to lose any sleep over it. 

Which is a perfect mindset to have because we’ve actually found in our own research that having this mindset, kind of moving on actually really works to get him back. And you even told me that with some of your own exes, this is what happened in the past. Like you’ve kind of moved on and all of a sudden they came back into the picture.

Whitney

Whitney

Oh yeah. You’re absolutely right. Like I said, you are a relationship whisperer and the advice that you gave I followed and it turns out that I’m very happy. Of course I miss him a little but I don’t sit around and think, “Oh poor me. I miss his smile. I miss laying next to him.”

It’s not anything like that. You can’t think about those things when you are in the stages of breaking up. Like when you’re broken up, you have to think the worst like, think about the shitty parts. Excuse my language. You have to think about the negative aspects of the relationship and why you shouldn’t be with him.

And honestly, as any female or even any guy that might be listening, download a dating app. It’s not–I wouldn’t say for the wrong reasons but it gives you the confidence to at least put yourself out there. It’s the confidence that you need. I get it and I’ve been having fun. I’ve gone on some really unique dates. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah and I’m actually glad you brought that up because that is something that a lot of women shy away from. Especially if they’re doing the no contact rule. They’re afraid to go on a date and sometimes it’s the best thing for them because they come to this realization that, “Maybe I wasn’t so into my ex.” or they can come to the realization that, “Oh, I’m really into my ex. I’m not ready to date.” But you really don’t know until you actually do it. 

Whitney

Whitney

Yeah and not only that, it gives you the confidence and I’ve seen a lot of women who are fearful of getting on a dating app or being positive after the break up because they’re like, “Well, I don’t want this to push him away or scare him because maybe he’s just going to get mad and then he’s not going to contact.” No. It’s reverse psychology. Men want what they can’t have and if they see that another man is taking you out, they’re going to be more attracted to you, drawn to you.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, yeah and I guess I’m circling around here to my original question way back. So, what is it. Do you want him back or do you just want to maybe move on from him? Do you want to give it a shot?

Whitney

Whitney

I’ll give it a shot.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Ok, alright. I think knowing that, we kind of have an idea where we want to go and what we can do. So, the first thing I want talk to you about is, you sent me this very, very detailed explanation of every like important date and you even sent like text messages. So, it’s really interesting to see how into each other you guys were at the beginning of the relationship.

And I mean, you guys were into each other. You guys were moving quickly. And I even did like the Math. It was like a couple of weeks and you’re already like on the plane with him to meet his family and then there was this weird turning point. I don’t know, it maybe seemed like it was about a month a half, 2 months in where this was this turning point where you said you noticed something was off and then a couple days later bam!

He drops the hammer like, “Ok, we’re done.” So, I think when I look at the kind of situation like that, there’s a couple of things that spring to mind. And I think the number 1 question we really need to ask is,  why did he break up with you?. And I have really 3 ideas of what could have contributed to it. 

So, the first one which we do have some evidence backing this up is the health condition. So, I was talking to my wife about this, your situation, she was curious. And so, I was telling her about this health condition that he has and how I thought it was like, “Well, maybe he got really scared.” Because even though we trying to protect our health condition, this is kind of the health condition that could end your life early right? This is like no joke. 

Whitney

Whitney

Yeah, and also another thing, men who work out, I think that fuels them. That makes them happy and this was a condition that if he truly had it–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

You couldn’t work out anymore.

Whitney

Whitney

Yeah, you couldn’t work out. And that’s when–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

You lose a bit of your identity.

Whitney

Whitney

Now, that I think of it. He stopped working out because he hadn’t seen a specialist and so he stopped working out and I remember him specifically saying he felt down lately. And this around the time when you noticed our conversations kind of change. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Ok. Yeah. So, if I were a betting man, I’d put most of my stock in that. You know the health condition and I think there’s evidence backing this up because when he messaged you finally, he was super excited to let you know above all else that, “Hey, this isn’t an issue.” While I was talking to my wife about this, she brought up an interesting point. So, I’m going to steal it from her. She thinks it served as a catalyst.

So, I remember mentioning to you that, hey, you know I think he’s probably like thinks “Ok, maybe I have x amount of years left in my life. I just kind of don’t want to get tied down. I want to live it up.” And I think this health condition, serves as a catalyst for having those kind of thoughts.

And you also said something interesting to me before we were on an interview about how you were on a date and the guy that you’re on a date with mentioned that he saw your ex at a bar. 

Lit up drunk. So, almost like he’s partying and living it up you know? And he even sent you a picture like to prove it. He wasn’t just like making the whole thing up. 

Whitney

Whitney

What’s crazy Chris, is that when I looked at the picture, I’m like, “That’s not my ex.” and then I was like, send me another photo. And no joke, I look at it and I zoom in  and I’m like, “Oh my gosh. That’s him but he had gained weight.” Because I’m assuming, he hadn’t been working out. 

Yeah, it’s interesting. So, I think that served as a catalyst for maybe the break up but the other thing that I maybe jumped to is you guys did go really fast. So, you may have burned out a little bit. There was maybe not enough mystery or he felt like, ok, he got you without really having to try too hard and maybe it was really appealing at first and then maybe it kind of died of a little bit or the allure died off. I’m thinking this is probably not the reason, I’m thinking it’s probably more due to the health thing.

And then the third one I kind of jump too is something that we don’t know. Something we don’t have enough information to maybe, you know he’s kept it a secret in his mind. But I think this is, if I were to guess, it would probably the health thing.  And that is actually amazing news for you and your chances because guess what. It’s not an issue anymore right? So, going forward, it’s not really something that should hinder him too much.

The other thing, the other maybe headwind that you face when it comes to trying to get him back is, you only dated for two months. And I know you mentioned that yes, it felt like years and from looking at your text messages and your conversations and all the dates, it was an intense connection.

So, there’s no doubt about that but at the same time generally, the longer you’re with someone, you have a longer time to establish a lasting connection with them. You maybe didn’t have enough time to establish a lasting connection that you can really kind of sink into when you are trying to get him back. 

There’s a way around this. Maybe we need to work kind of building a lasting connection into when you’re trying to get him back but I was actually kind of curious to get your thoughts on this. Do you think 2 months was enough to really build up a lasting connection? 

Whitney

Whitney

Honestly, I do. Because not only was I supportive of his condition. Some girls can be like, “Screw you!” Like I am looking for a husband to spend a lifetime with another 60 years but I was supportive and I helped him to find an in network specialist just because I work within that industry. I went out of my way to find the best doctor for him to go to. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

You’re very, very supportive. 

Whitney

Whitney

Yeah, I was very supportive and understanding and I’m like you know, we’re going to get through this but the fact that he flew me across the country to meet his family. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Big deal. No doubt. Big deal. 

Whitney

Whitney

I feel like we built that type of I guess trust. 

Well, I think to your point. He did reach out to you to let you know about the health thing right? And that is kind of a big deal. That’s something that I wouldn’t share with someone if that was happening to me.

It’s a big deal. It’s not like he’s going around like advertising this. So, this is something that he did share with you. So, that’s a positive thing and I think where you are right now is you’re stuck. You don’t really know what to do going forward. 

So, obviously, if you are familiar with kind of the strategies and everything that I teach on exboyfriend recovery,  you know I have a very specific way about doing things. You know you did the no contact rule first and then the idea is to slowly rebuild the attraction until you can kind of get a date. So, I don’t really see anything that’s preventing you from doing that here. 

Whitney

Whitney

Pride.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Let’s tear down your pride a little bit here then. So, really the next conceivable step is text messaging right? You’re going to text him and that can be through Snapchat. That can be through a lot of different methods.

But what are your qualms against texting him, are you just that kind of thing where I noticed you’ve mentioned at the beginning, you’re the woman. He needs to kind of come after you and chase you. That’s the way it supposed to work. 

Whitney

Whitney

Yeah that and he’s the one that–yeah we moved fast and maybe it scared him away. Maybe that affected his attraction because there wasn’t as much of the chase. But he’s the one who instigated all of the seriousness so, he kind of did that to himself but I’m scared of rejection. I’m scared of being turned down. I’m scared of being weak, vulnerable or coming across as needy or insecure because I’m not insecure. 

Believe me, you are the least insecure person I’ve probably met on exboyfriend recovery so, there’s no doubt about that to me. And I guess I did skip over something that I didn’t want to touch on with you. Because this is an important thing because let’s assume that everything goes perfectly and you get him back right?

There is still one little fly in the ointment that you didn’t mention. So, you mentioned to me, I think when I was asking before this, “Hey, what kind of questions you want me to answer for you.” You mentioned that you think he may have slept with other girls during this break up. 

Whitney

Whitney

Thank you for bringing that up.

Which I would say would put credence behind that health theory because if it’s serving as a catalyst who so, live it up you know? He would obviously want to do that. So, let me get your thoughts on that. What do you think about that? And then I’ll kind of talk you through it. 

Whitney

Whitney

So, I–I’m not saying all men but I know how most men–There’s actually a photo I saw on Pinterest out of anywhere but it’s–I should send it to you. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I know exactly that the men and women break up thing and how women are super depressed but men are like super happy and then it kind of changes. 

Whitney

Whitney

Yes, so for all you ladies listening, it’s kind of crazy and it just hit me like a ton of bricks when I saw this photo but as women, we are very emotional when we are broken up with or when we go through a break up. After that, grieving stage, we want to veg out, eat ice cream, rebuild our self steam and kind of force ourselves to go out and then eventually we’re happy. Men, it seems like they’re celebrating the break up. They’re going out and partying, sleeping with other girls, and then they’re grieving. So, it’s a complete opposite. So, it does take time. That’s why I think you always reinforce the no contact rule because it’s going to take them at least to him, 45  days–30 days, 45 days to realize, “Oh man, this is what I lost because I just hooked up with this one girl and it’s not my ex.” I don’t like the idea of him messing around with other girls since we’ve been-

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

You shouldn’t like that idea. That’s a normal reaction to have. 

Yeah, so I don’t really know how to handle that because the photos I saw from a guy I went on a date with who sold my ex out, he was hitting on a girl. You could tell. He was very close in her face but you could also tell he was hammered. Like, I am not comfortable with the idea of him having maybe slept around. I don’t know what he did. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

So, I think we’re going back to the thing, the loyalty aspect. Even though you’re broken up, you’re still loyal to him in some certain way. 

Whitney

Whitney

I know. Trust me, I’ve got on handlful of dates but I’m also very. I am very old fashioned and I don’t sleep around. I value who I am and what I have to offer and I don’t 31:18

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Umhmm and now do you have any evidence besides the picture that he’s been going out doing this?

Whitney

Whitney

No other than what I’m seeing on Facebook. Someone checked him in at a bar, like a girl and she was with another guy and then my ex.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I think it probably just safe to assume that he’s trying to engage in that behavior? I’m not going to lie. That would just be a disservice to you. I will say that I don’t know his past sexual history. I don’t know anything about his game on getting girls or so to speak but it is usually not as easy as you’d think. Even for a good looking guy.

So, even though he may be trying, he may not succeeded because I know there is someone that women can’t give it up easier than others but generally it is still a big deal to those women. So it’s not easy to get as you’d think. So, you always have maybe that to hang your hat on.

As far as getting over it, that is something that you don’t have any evidence clearly of. Yes, he was at the bar drunk, hitting on a girl. It could be just him being drunk. I think dumb. I would say it would become an issue if you were to get him back.

The jealousy and everything that you feel inside. It would eat you alive. Unless at some point, you would talk to him about it and you were honest with him about it and could forgive him if he did it.

He may–or it can get tricky because let’s assume you get him back and you have this conversation where you’re uncomfortable about this issue and you don’t know how to bring it up but you decide, “Ok, I’m going to try to bring it up to him.” And he lies, and he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings or somethingSo, you need to also understand that that could be a possibility.

Whitney

Whitney

That’s when it turns into a bigger issue for me because I would rather hear the ugly truth than a pretty lie. And so when I found that–and what’s crazy–I feel like I have a sixth sense honestly, like I know when something is up. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

You were able to pick from that pretty with the–kind of when you saw or the health thing. 

Whtiney

Whtiney

I feel like, I don’t know. I can read men very well and when I ask a guy a question that I’m dating or when a boyfriend if we get back together. “So, did you hook up with anyone?” I can tell`–like I can tell they’re lying and that’s when I feel like the relationship is spiraling out again but if they just tell the truth from the start, I respect them more. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

It’s one of those things that I think if you do get him back, it is something that you’re probably going to have to talk about and work with him on. Just I guess come to the realization that he may lie about it because and I don’t think it will be a lie to hurt you. It would be a lie to protect you maybe from the truth but also maybe to protect himself and he doesn’t seem like a man slut you know? 

Whitney

Whitney

I call them manwhore but–

Manwhore or whatever something hahahaha!

Whitney

Whitney

Where I’m at now- I do have a question for you. So, based on what you know, do you foresee him contacting me again?

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, I actually think there’s a really high chance that he will even if you don’t do anything  but I’m actually going to recommend that you do something here. I think it is an important step and it’s something that I recommend to everyone. I mean we live in 2016 now.

No one is going to sit back and say, “Well, you know. They have to text me first.” What matters is getting the ball rolling here and doing it in a smart way. That’s part of things but I am going to try to compose a text with you that you can send him so, you get something out of this but let’s kind of get some of the basis of what we’re trying to accomplish when you do text him because this is really where most women fail.

So, when I look at your situation the first thing that really came to mind is something  called The peak-end rule. Have you heard of this? 

Whitney

Whitney

No. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Ok. This is a beautiful thing and it’s something that you really need to get familiar with. So, the peak-end rule, basically I think the person who created it won a Nobel Prize because of it because they did  a lot of research and found that it had a lot of different applications in different areas. So, food, movies, relationships but the peak-end rule basically states that –I guess, I’ll start off by asking you a question. So, when you remember an experience, do you think you remember it based on the sum, the whole of the experience? 

Whitney

Whitney

No. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Correct. You don’t remember the whole of the experience. They found that you remember it based on two points. The peak and then end. And so the peak is the most intense, exciting, best part and the ned is obviously the end of the relationship. The first that came to mind is you actually had a phenomenal relationship and you’re peak was phenomenal and you’re end wasn’t really that bad compared to some of the things I’ve seen. So, I thin you would actually do really well when you text him. Obviously not right off the bat. You have to kind of build rapport and work it in but emphasize the peak of your relationship. The more you can kind of bring him down and make him feel the feelings that he was feeling during the peak of the relationship, he’s going to find you more attractive and kind of keep wanting to message you and talk to you in advance things. And he’s going to want to feel it again and I think you can really hook into that and make him super attracted to you. So, what do you think of that peak-end rule? 

Whitney

Whitney

I love it! I like it a lot. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Alright. So, the other thing I want to talk to you is talk you a little bit about how human beings commit to one another because this is something that I think he may have some issues with especially with the health condition thing.

 So, have you ever–I don’t know you may have read around my website recently. I’ve been kind of snow balling this a lot but have you heard of something called the interdependence theory? 

Whitney

Whitney

I think I have but I might need a refresher course. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Ok, here with the refresher. The interdependence theory is pretty simple. It basically states that human beings commit to one another on a cost and benefit scenario. Ringing any bells? 

Whitney

Whitney

Yes. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Ok, this is something that–

Whitney

Whitney

Withdrawal.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

It’s interesting because I think your ex, when he looks at the relationship with you, based on the interdependence theory there’s really three things that you look at. So, you’re looking at the satisfaction, alternatives and investment. So, what I’m going to do right now is look at these three things from his perspective and kind of give you some insight into why he didn’t ultimately want to commit to you. 

So, the first thing is satisfaction. Honestly it seemed really high to  me which is what you want. You want him to feel super satisfied with the relationship. That’s great. Where really things get interesting is the alternatives.

So, I think at the beginning of your relationship before this big thing happened with the health condition, his alternatives were low. Obviously that’s what you want. You don’t want him to have ton of alternatives because if his alternatives are high then all of sudden he’s thinking well maybe I can do better than her. 

Now, here’s where the fly in the ointment comes into play. The health thing served as the catalyst. So, it caused him to think maybe there are other alternatives out there that I want to experience. Luckily, the health thing isn’t so much of an issue anymore but he is already kind of committed to this one action of “Hey, I’m kind of going to date around. I’m going to experience life before I die” Even though it’s not necessarily going to happen. 

And then the other thing which is really where you struggle with the most was investment. So, really when it comes to relationships, investments is things like time, things like marriage, engagements, things like that. You didn’t really date a long time.

So, what we have here is we have–even though you have, you did a really good job of satisfying him in the relationship and honestly satisfaction and alternatives, there’s a synergy between the two because obviously if he’s not satisfied with the relationship, he’s going to think, “Ok, maybe I can do better than her.”

So, his alternatives all of a sudden go up and honestly he was really satisfied with your relationship. I think, from my opinion, it’s just that this health thing happened, I think his alternatives went up as a result of that. And the only problem is your investment was low. You hadn’t dated him long enough probably to form a lasting connection. Even though I know you think you did. When you look at it just from a bird’s eye view, you only dated for two month, you need to get him to invest more time. 

So, I think working of this into the strategy when you’re texting him, the more you can get him to commit to texting you back and forth, the more time he’s investing into you. So basically what you’re trying to do is get him to invest as much time as possible into you because the more he puts his time in, the more he invests into your relationship, the better it is going to be for you. So, you really don’t need any pointers on satisfying.

You did a pretty freaking phenomenal job on that. The alternatives I think will take care of themselves as long as you work that peak-end rule aspect where you’re emphasizing the peak and trying to bring the feelings back that he felt during the peak of the relationship. And I think his alternatives will go down or here’s the best part– so, you may be the best girl that he’s ever dated and I’m not saying that lightly.

I’m saying that as a matter of fact because he only dated you for two months and nothing you did was wrong. Like it seems to you are the perfect girlfriend. Unless I’m missing that you’re some sort of expert or something which I don’t think is the case. 

Whitney

Whitney

I can tell you the things that he complained about towards the end. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Ok, yeah. That would be great. 

Whitney

Whitney

I don’t ever want to be the woman that is in a relationship and as soon as your significant other gets home from work, he gets stressed out and dread seeing her. I want to be his stress reliever. I want to make him smile. I want to make–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

And that was a problem for him? This guy’s nuts. 

Whitney

Whitney

I’m very cheerful and goofy and so, say I get to his house and we’re watching tv in bed and he’s just not chatty. Well, me being me, I’m goofy. I try to like be goofy, just more conversation, make him smile, make him– I couldn’t get a reaction out of him. So, I did what’s not me as–I get pushy like I kept trying to be goofy. That ended up annoying him. 

I learned from that because he did tell me. He communicated that he found it annoying. What he said was little things that initially attracted me to you, now, annoy me. It’s not you it’s just I don’t know what it is. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

If you look at it from the lens of the health thing, everything’s probably annoying him because if you thought like you had this issue–I’ll give you an example. I woke up this morning with a stomach issue and everything was making me irritable. Luckily, it subsided now but everything makes me irritable. Now, I can’t imagine if I knew I had some sort of health thing. Everything is going to make me irritable. So, he probably–he’s not that he all of sudden grew tired of it. I think it’s just impacted by this gigantic thing that’s happening in the background. That’s my two cents. 

Whitney

Whitney

Do you think that it would affect a man’s sex drive?

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, absolutely.

Whitney

Whitney

Cool. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I’m assuming from that question it did? 

Whitney

Whitney

Umhmm. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Ok. Yeah, absolutely. I think that would affect and I think also it ties into the work out thing as well. Maybe he doesn’t think he looks as good as he did? 

Whitney

Whitney

He made comments like, “I am getting pudgy.”

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

A comment like that–I have actually made comments like that when I haven’t been able to work out. So, I can definitely–I’m in alignment with him on that because I’ve made comments to my wife like,

“Oh man. I think I’m getting–like I need to go out and like go for like a 4-5 mile run to get the fat off.”

And even though I’m not fat or anything it’s just–maybe an insecurity type thing that I have. So, it’s probably something that he’s really insecure about and I think that’s a lot of why men work out.

At least, I remember when I first started working out, it was girls. I wanted like girls to find me attractive. So, there’s a 100% no doubt that if he can’t work out anymore, it’s like the snowball of all these bad things just started happening to him and he kind of took it out on you.

It’s not right and it’s not fair but life is not fair all the time. It’s kind of our job to navigate and try to ride the ship, so to speak. Alright, so anymore questions related to that kind of stuff? Because I love questions like that.

Whitney

Whitney

I totally agree though. I think that it is a snowball effect and I feel like he took it all out on me. That’s what I kind of thought from the start. However, the health condition, you and I discussed before and you thought that was probably the primary reason for the break up.

I kind of disagree with you which now I know never to disagree with you. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

No, you can disagree. That’s how you spark good conversation. 

Whitney

Whitney

You proved me wrong and you proved your theory right based on his snapchat. So, I guess obviously I should contact him next because it’s been– I don’t know how long it’s been. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Well, it’s important to do it the right way. So, that’s where most women fail and I’ll give you a really funny story. And the funny story is, I recently recorded a podcast episode where I took a question from a woman who had a horrible message that she sent her ex after the no contact rule for the first time.

So, her contact, she would say something like, “Hey, I just drove past you in Glenroy.” So, he obviously responded like, “Who is this?” So, based on that information you’d think, ok maybe I’m not in his phone anymore. I mean that’s what I would think but she took it a step further.

She said, “Oh its–” I don’t remember what she said exactly. I just remember she said, “Oh it reminded me of that time that I was in my bathrobe after I got out of the shower.” And so, after that he goes, “Who the F is this??”

And so, obviously, it went really bad. So, as long as you don’t do that, I think you’d be in an ok shape. I’m going to walk you through what you need to do.

Whitney

Whitney

I don’t think I would do that ever. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah. Please, don’t do that.  I’ve heard pretty  crazy text messages. There was woman who compared her ex to bear poop one time which that didn’t work out too well for her but it’s something that you do need to do the right way.

But before I get to that, I do want to talk to you about one more thing that I want you to implement during your text message conversations with him. It’s the idea of mirroring. Have you heard of this?

Whitney

Whitney

I think but it might be applied differently so–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, it applies a little bit differently. So, imagine that you are infront of a mirror and you’re looking at yourself. You’re kind of winking at yourself because you’re good looking. Yeah, so the mirror is just doing the same exact impact to you right?

Well, let’s apply that to text messaging. Let’s say he sent you something that doesn’t have a lot of thought behind it. He sends you like a text message like, “Hey.” Like a one word text message. We all hate those right one word text messages? So, what most women do is they try to spark up a conversation. They try to get rid of the one word text. 

So, what you’re supposed to do is you’re supposed to give him right back what he gave you. It’s mirroring him. 

Whitney

Whitney

Yup!

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

That’s exactly what you should do. So make sure you implement the mirroring thing. If he isn’t giving you like a lot of thought or meaning behind his text messages, don’t let him get away with it. There are consequences to not doing that. 

And one of the really big benefits of you messaging him first, is you can kind of control the scope. So, you can kind of set the pace and the tone that you want him to maybe respond to.

So, make sure you try to implement that in whenever you can and I think I don’t need to really give you too much of a tips on this because it seems like something you’re already doing naturally. 

Whitney

Whitney

Yeah, I agree. I think that the mirroring is a great idea and that’s exactly how I would respond but I don’t think that I’m going to-I just feel like I’m not going to hear from him again or a while. I would love to craft the perfect text. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, let’s get in to doing that. So I have kind of a formula here for you to follow and we’ll go through it together. So, the first thing in the formula is you need a theme for the text.

And the theme of the text needs to be something–it’s a hooking point and you’re going to utilize the knowledge that you have of him. Something that he’s fascinated by, something that you know he’ll really, really respond to. An example on top of my head was–I can give you an example for my wife and ex. So, my wife is obsessed with hot air balloons.

So anything about hot air balloons, bam! She’ll respond. My ex was obsessed with strangely sky diving. So anything about sky diving which I’m not into at all which may be why we broke up but–

Whitney

Whitney

Yeah, I would go with the hot air balloons!

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah the hot air balloons! So, wait essentially what you need to do here is try to find a theme of your text. So, you’re going to utilize the knowledge that you already know about him. And you should know enough. You’ve been dating him for two months. What is something that he’s really interested in? Something that you know is a hooking point for him. Ah lightbulb!

Whitney

Whitney

Golf. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Golf. ok. So, we have our theme. Your text message is going to revolve around golf but golf on it’s own is pretty boring. I mean you can’t just like–

Whitney

Whitney

He watches it on tv. It’s that intense. 

Chris  Seiter

Chris Seiter

Well, I mean like sending him a text message about golf maybe a little bit boring. So, we need to-

Whitney

Whitney

50:14 golf clubs for the first time recently.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Ok, that might be something.

Whitney

Whitney

Golf clubs.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Perfect segway. Alright. The next thing we’re going to do is to try to create a story. People respond well to stories but you can’t let this go over board because it’s a freaking text message right?

You don’t want to seem too needy or like you’re trying too hard. So, the trick is to try to create a story that you can really fit in probably like 80-100 characters. So, off the top of my head, maybe something about your golf clubs will be good like, 

“I just tried hitting with my golf clubs for the first time and it was like the most embarrassing experience ever. ” 

Some story where he can like visualize it himself because he’ll respond more to that. So, do you have any thoughts on how you want to do this or you’re just going to steal my idea? 

Whitney

Whitney

I like that. So, when we went to spend the 4th of July and I met his family for the first time, the very first day of our activities and like getting to know his family, what do we do? We woke up really early to go golfing. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Wow! Ok! 

Whitney

Whitney

And I have golfed like in actual course. One other time, I’ve gone at the driving range but with business I’ve been trying to step up my game but his sister actually took a slowmo video of me hitting or attempting to hit the golf ball and I totally whipped it. That was like kind of an ongoing joke but it could be something along the lines of, 

“Good news, I got a sweet set of golf clubs. Bad news, I’m still whipping the ball.”

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Ok, good! That lead me to my next point. So, the next point you need to tie in an action phrase. Ok? So, the best way I can describe this is imagine that you’re just at a get together. Let’s say a get together at house and you see some of your best friends communicating with strangers or something and they’re in a deep conversation. And they’re all kind of huddled in the corner and you walk up to him and you try to talk to him but they’re all in their own conversation. So, it’s like no one is paying attention to you. 

What you need to do is snap them into attention. So, imagine that you are just going to walk up to this people and snap as loud as you possibly can. What would they do? They would probably stop the conversation and look at you. But you’ve got their attention and that’s what we need to do with this text. So, before you tell your story with the good golf theme. You need to come up with an action phrase. Something that–because we’re busy now in today’s lives. It takes a lot to get us to respond to a text message so, what we’re going to have to do is send him something that will make him stop what he’s doing and snap his attention into place. 

So, a phrase like this can be, “Oh my god!” or, “You’re not going to believe what just happened..” Something along those lines that will interest him or pique his interest to make him go, “Well, what? What’s going on?” So, usually what you’re gong to do and off the top of my head. I don’t know exactly what golf text you’re going to use but let’s assume you’re going  to use the golf swinging missing kind of thing. So, it would go–your text would go something like. 

“You aren’t going to believe what just happened to me.” 

And then he’ll respond, 

“What just happened?”

Alright, you’ve got him hooked, you’ve got him piqued. Now it’s time to bring him home with this story. So, the story and the them is an important concept because if you really kind of sit back and think, “Ok this golf thing is really not going to intrigue him the way I thought it would.” The action phrase is pointless. The story is what really brings it home and is going to try to get him engaged in the conversation. So, it would go, “Oh my god, you’re not going to believe what just happened to me!” and then he’ll go, “What?” and then you’ll say, “Well, the good news is, I got a new pair of golf clubs. The bad news is, I still suck.” Something like that. 

That might work to get him responding to you and if he responds I want you to end the conversation right there and then but I’m sure you probably read the book or read the website and know that that’s kind of what I do. And the reason we do this is because of–you’ve probably heard me say it. I’m going to mispronounce it because I always mispronounce this stupid psychological–The Zeigarnik Effect. That’s how it’s said. So, basically people remember uncompleted tasks better than completed tasks better than completed ones. So, the more you can end the conversations first, the more you’ll hook him in into wanting to talk to you again. 

So, that is probably the best advice I can give you on the starter text messages but where things get really tricky is people are always under the assumption that you have to think of this awesome amazing text messages every single time to start a conversation. That’s not necessarily true. 

Whitney

Whitney

Less is more. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Sometimes yes. Yeah at the beginning you usually want to do this though out text messages but once you get more rapport built and you’re talking to him more and more and more, it’s ok to start a conversation with, “Hey, what are you up to?” or something like that which a lot of people always think they need a perfect text message to start a conversation first. Yes, that’s the case after the no contact rule but you just ignored your ex for x amount of days and–

Whitney

Whitney

55:36

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah. It might kind of weird just coming out of the blue but luckily, he’s the one who contacted you first. So, it’s a good thing that he did that. It makes your job a little bit easier contacting him. 

So, any questions so far? 

Whitney

Whitney

You think it is weird that he has not tried to contact me since when was that? It’s been at least a week and a half ago I think. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Like a week an half, two weeks? I think he’s probably contacting you for two reasons, I can conceivable think of. Number 1, is to let you know the good news and it’s good that he wanted to do that. It’s sweet because you were one of the first people that popped into his head. Number 2, is also testing to see how you would react which is something I would do. 

Whitney

Whitney

 How can I react based on your opinion? 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Perfect. I honestly thought you played it perfect. Playing the hard to get. I don’t like playing games in relationships. I’m not going to lie to you but they work. Playing hard to get has been scientifically proven to work. Like there’s no doubt about it. 

Whitney

Whitney

I really agree with you and I think that we should change this up. We shouldn’t call it a game anymore because it’s human nature. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah it is. Everyone has different things that they do, I guess. 

Whitney

Whitney

The hunt. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

That’s true. 

Whitney

Whitney

Chase.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Men do. 

Whitney

Whitney

That’s not a game. It’s just reality

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

It is. Yeah. 

Whitney

Whitney

Ok, so it’s not abnormal that I’ve not heard from him?

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

No, it’s not at all. 

Whitney

Whitney

57:10 me

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, he is. 

Whitney

Whitney

Ok. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

That would be something that I would do. That’s how I know that. All I had to do a lot of times is just think, “Oh, what would I do in this situation or how would I act?” What would be the purpose behind me doing that? So, the purpose behind me doing that there would be two purposes like I said. Number 1, tell you the good news. Number 2, see how you’d react. He maybe starting to regret his decision.

I’ve already, I think I mentioned to you, he definitely had the Grass is greener is syndrome. He definitely thought, “Ok, grass is greener on the other side.” But the good news in your favor is you were pretty much the perfect girlfriend. So, comparing that level to other girls–I’m pretty sure maybe other girls might be up here but before long when the honeymoon period ends, they drop. 

There’s not many other girls like probably compete with what you’ve created with him. Even though it’s a short amount of time, it did was impactful. He did message you probably. He probably messaged his friends and his family but no girls he’s hitting on. 

Whitney

Whitney

Yeah, I don’t see him taking another girl to meet his family for a very long time. I mean it’s got to be serious. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah. That is a definitely big step. So, it’s a positive thing for sure. I think the other thing–let’s just kind of pause and say, do you have any other question related to texting because I’m sure you probably have a few more? 

Whitney

Whitney

Ok I do. Do I do Imessage? Because if you don’t have an Iphone, I’m judging! No!

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I do have an Iphone.

Whitney

Whitney

Ah no, should I text him or should I Snapchat? 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Very, very good question. 

Whitney

Whitney

Because I can see when he is over my snap chat texts, just like he did to me. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, yeah. It’s an interesting question. I would ask you first. What was like your preferred method of texting communication? Was it Snapchat or was it just texting? 

Whitney

Whitney

In our relationship, it was texting and phone calls. And that’s what I loved about him. It was the fact that he was very good with communication. A lot of my exboyfriends, that’s half the reason I broke up with them. We’re not in a relationship anymore and he doesn’t–not to sound rude but he doesn’t deserve enough attention to get an actual text. He didn’t have the guts to send me a text with the good news on his results. He sent a Snapchat and maybe he did to see if I would open it. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Which you did and you responded to it which is right. You did everything right. On the top of my head, I think I would go with the text message. Snapchat you can’t really–I mean yes, there’s the added aspect of the video or the picture but it’s a little limiting on how much you can write. I’m assuming. Right? So, maybe telling the story might be a little bit easier. What does he check more? I guess is the–what I’m getting at. Is it like 50-50?

Whitney

Whitney

Yeah, I mean. He does Snapchat a lot but he was very good with communication via text. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I would go with text and I would say that Snapchat, it’s a good thing because now you have kind of two ways of contacting him. So, you can kind of mix it up. 

Whitney

Whitney

It just sucks because I won’t know if he doesn’t respond. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

He doesn’t have an Iphone? I see

Whitney

Whitney

He does have an Iphone but he doesn’t have his read receipts on

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

That stupid man! Yeah, it’s always a question. I think but it actually leads to my next point. Let’s talk about what happens if he doesn’t respond. Let’s kind of have a contingency plan here.  Because not everything–even though I can come up with a perfect text message for you, not everything works out all the time. That’s something I can’t like guarantee how he’s going to react a 100%. I maybe can give my best guess. So, what are we going to do when he doesn’t respond? 

Well, a lot of women give up immediately. They think “Oh god. The world is ending. Things aren’t going my way. I put all this effort in.” But that’s not the way to react. 

Whitney

Whitney

No. Life is normal, as I have been. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Well yeah. That’s definitely a great mindset to have but I would say the first contact text message, it’s really one of those things where you have only a couple of shots at goal. That’s how important it is. So, as much as it pains me to say this, as much as it probably going to upset a lot of women who’ve already failed doing it. It is one of those things that you can mess up if you try too many times in the wrong way. But every single text message you send gives you some data. Data that you can use.

So, you know, ok I send this text message, he didn’t respond. This is an important data to know. So, he didn’t respond to that type of a text message. Maybe next time, you can try a different type of a text message. I’ve always–this is going to sound really weird but I’ve always had really good success with videos. And you mentioned how people are really into videos nowadays. Sending a video just of yourself. I used to send my wife when I first met her. The first thing I sent to her was a video and I sent that because I wanted to be different than any man that she ever dated and it worked!

She opened it up and it was just a video of me sitting down eating breakfast saying, “Hey!” I don’t even remember what I said but probably it was like, “Hey, I”m Chris. Just super excited to get to know you. Blah blah blah.” I said  a bunch of stuff and I had like a banana. I was like peeling and doing it too. Something simple and real like that might get him to respond a little bit easier. 

You can send that through Snapchat or you can send it through Iphones. It’s just–

Whitney

Whitney

That’s the second attempt? Contingency yeah? 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah. That’s what I would try as a contingency plan. If that doesn’t work, I mean after I would say, you really have three shot at goal. You can try three times and if he’s not responsive at that point, your chances aren’t necessarily done but it is good to have a mindset, “Ok, well it’s just time to move on” And you will find–I still think he will contact you at some point and like I’ve mentioned, it’s the craziest thing but often times women hit this point where, “Ok, I am getting over him.” That is the moment that they come back into the picture.

Whitney

Whitney

The vibe. It’s the energy you bring out. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Exactly. 

Whitney

Whitney

Yeah. I think that’s another human nature thing where the moment you just give up and stop thinking about him and focus on you and maybe another guy, it’s like they sense it. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, yeah it is. 

Whitney

Whitney

I agree. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

So, I think we’re just going to end it here because it’s already been an hour we’ve been recording but before we end it, you might have some questions that I haven’t answered yet. So, go for it rapid fire. 

Whitney

Whitney

Considering I am happy and content with my life, should I even attempt to get my ex back? I quickly fell in love with him and it was truly amazing but I’m doing great as is. So, what would Chris do? 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I don’t like living life with regrets. I would try everything there is to try and if it failed I would move on. That’s what I would do. 

Whitney

Whitney

Oh, last question. 

I did–and it this was not intentionally. I left a maxi dress at his house and I really would like–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Ah, yes. 

Whitney

Whitney

I think I might have left a pair of like my business work slacks there and they’re my favorite. I can’t find them anywhere else so, I would like to get them back at some point. I don’t know what to do about that. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Ok. This is actually–I’m glad you brought this up and I’m glad that I didn’t end the episode because this is an important thing to talk about. Leaving stuff, especially if you’re–you’re kind of an older, more mature relationship. Now, a lot of the people come to the exboyfriend recovery can be in high school.

They’re not at the point where they’re sleeping over or leaving stuff at the house. But we also have probably like 40% of women who are in your age range. So, for those women who are listening. There’s really a specific protocol that you have to approach here. Number 1, you aren’t really going to be in no contact anymore.

So, you have an awesome opportunity to make this into an instant date.  So, at some point, you can kind of have it in your back pocket. And if you are trying to fish a way to see him in person, this is the ultimate opportunity to do it. 

You can kind of have it in your back pocket. Even when enough attraction and rapport has been built where you think, “Ok. This is the time. I am ready to see him in person. I think I’ve done enough to re-attract him. I’ve kind of got him down in that peak aspect of the peak-end rule.

You can use this as a method. “Hey, I think I left something at your house, do you mind if we meet up real quick and we can get it?” It’s an instant date. That’s only for you though. Ok? So, the interesting thing is if you are in the no contact rule, this is one of those cases where you can break the no contact rule early, just this once to get your things back if they are important enough. I think to you they are important enough? 

Whitney

Whitney

Yeah but I would say, for a lot of female listeners, I personally–just from my experience. I probably wouldn’t break no contact early because as soon as I see him, it’s going to bring back all of those feelings. I would honestly, I would probably just go out and buy a very similar maxi dress to avoid those hard feelings. Because it’s like everyday of no contact I see as empowerment. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, it is. It is absolutely. 

Whitney

Whitney

But now that I’m past it, the no contact, I think it’s a great way to have a date and you know see him in person. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Instant date, yeah. 

Whitney

Whitney

Should I mention that after my first text at some point down the road? 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, some point down the road, I would say, it’s important that a lot of the times by the time– I can tell how good a woman will have a chance at getting her ex back by the time she gets on her date.

So, if she’s on her date and she hasn’t done a good job at building attraction at getting on phone with him, making him invest time and really putting in that work, she’s not going to get him back on the date but if she’s done all the work, she has a really good chance of succeeding.

So, a lot of the time, a lot of it really revolves around the work that it takes to get on the date. So, make sure that before you do this instant. That you feel you’ve done enough to rebuild things. Kind of pique his interest a little bit more. 

Whitney

Whitney

Bait him and then reel him in?

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah. That’s kind of what we’re doing here. 

Whitney

Whitney

I like that. Well, that’s so helpful and I thank you so much for everything. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah absolutely. It was a pleasure having you on. 

Whitney

Whitney

Yes, thank you! You are awesome and I can’t thank you enough.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Absolutely. 

Whitney

Whitney

So, I will keep you posted once I get the nerve to send off this text. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, definitely do that. 

Whitney

Whitney

I might run it by you first. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, yeah. You got my email. 

Whitney

Whitney

Yes, but thank you. I appreciate it. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Absolutely. 

October 3, 2016

Will Text Messages Be THE THING That Gets Your Ex Back?

In so many of the success stories I’ve heard over the years, the primary way that the couple communicated was texting. Texts are short, simple and can lead to HUGE results if you can send the right text message, in the right situation. But it all depends on the inner-dynamics of your relationship.

We’ve put together a quiz, so you can find out if text messages will work for your individual situation. It’s a total of 19 questions, and only takes about 5 minutes to answer. Are you ready to know ?

Take 5 Minute QuizAnd Find Out Now!

What Do You Think? (22)

  1. Sarah - 0

    Sarah

    Hi!
    My Ex and I have met at our school. He seems friendly towards me and so on, but it’s still difficult to get him to answer when I text him. How do I get him to move closer to me?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Sarah,
      how long have you been texting? are you ending it in high note?

  2. Trish - 0

    Trish

    Oh Amor- desperately need your help. About 45 days of no contacting, I ended up texting him about something Game of Thrones related. He responded to the text almost immediately but didn’t engage in the follow up message. A couple of weeks later, sent him a Snapchat about Cards & Against Humanity. No response. A couple of days ago (a good 2 months after the break up), he unfollowed me on Instagram & deleted me off Snapchat (but kept me on FB). The sort of content I post on Insta & Snapchat is always pretty light hearted & nothing indicates I am crying myself to sleep every night (or waking up in the middle of the night from the same bad dream). I’ve deleted my own social presence once again & want to be off it for a few weeks until I sort myself out.
    Q: why would he delete me off social out of the blue? Am at total loss on what to do. How can you get back with someone if they don’t want you to have access to their life? How do you respond to this? I’m definitely not going to get in touch for sure!

    Reply
  3. Natalie - 0

    Natalie

    Hi. Im on my 20 th day of nc. I met my ex a nightclub 2 weeks ago. We said hi and I left the nightclub without him. Do I have to start over? We are going to a concert in 4 weeks. Should I just keep on doing nc until then or should I start texting when nc is over?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      HI Natalie,

      you dont have to restart the count and yes, you can initiate texting after the no contact period but what’s more important is that you continue improving yourself now and after nc

  4. Melanie - 0

    Melanie

    Any updates with Whitney?? I’d love to hear how this turned out!

    Reply
  5. May - 0

    May

    Hello, broke up with my ex nearly a year ago. been talking now and then did all the steps and failed. Trying them again. This time im being more cautious. I didnt speak to him for 2 months. As im blocked everywhere i emailed him and said i had free theatre tickets from work and if he wanted one. He replied saying yes. Then we exchanged a few emails. literally one or 2 sentences. Its my bday in 2 weeks and all his mates are coming. I sent him another email saying all his mates will be there so if he wanted to come along he can. He said he would think about it. Got a message yday saying he will be coming.
    we havent been flirty on email but theyre just nice convos. not too friendly either. so the first time i’ll see him will be at my bday. im going to treat him like all my other friends but im nervous esp cos i dont know how it will go down.
    Why do you think he’s even coming to my bday? Just to be friends? although the last thing he said to me when we spoke 2 months ago is that we will never be friends.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi May,
      did you mean you chased him before? if you assessbit from his perspective now would you still look like you’re chasing him?

    • May - 0

      May

      I’m so confused. My ex bf came to my bday dinner on Friday. He was so nice he bought all my friends drinks and was making an effort with them all. I had not seen him 5 months. I thought maybe cos he didn’t want to feel left out so he came? I texted him the next day hope u got home ok and found ur bag?. No reply. I put pics on fb but we’re not fb friends he added me to see the pics. I fbk messaged him saying can u meet me sometime this week to collect the free theatre tickets. He hasnt replied. But he has been online. So I’ve basically not got a response or heard from him since my bday dinner. He even walked me to my cab saying how beautiful I looked but he was quite drunk. I’m so confused. I won’t message him again. But is he friend zoning me?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Nope, he didnt friendzone you, he’s ghosting you.. I think he was just nice to your friends for his own sake

  6. Ro - 0

    Ro

    Hi Chris and Amor,
    I just came out of NC less than a week ago and your advice worked well. Almost too well!!! Basically, my ex is totally skipping steps! My initial contact text was awesome, and I tried to end the conversation after a few texts, but he just kept it going and going. We’ve been out of NC for less than a week and are headed on our 3rd date tomorrow. Nothing physical, all totally PG, but I’m not sure what to do. He skipped phone calls, asked me straight out on day 1 of contact, skipped coffee and took me straight out for dinner. He’s made it totally obvious that he’s missing me and leaving me was a mistake. I think this is headed for reconciliation for sure, so do I keep going at the pace he’s setting? Or do I still try tide theory? I don’t want to mess it up because it seems like it’s going too well!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Ro,

      it’s moving too fast.. I’m not saying you should say no if he asks you back, but yes, continue on in the tide theory if he doesn’t ask you back..

  7. Chris Seiter - 4

    EBR Team Member: Amor

    yes, do you want me to delete all of your comments?

    Reply
  8. nicolle chadwick - 0

    nicolle chadwick

    Hello. I am 8 months pregnant and my boyfriend and I just recently broke up. I am 24 years old and he is 23 years old. This is my first child and this is his second. I don’t know what to do. I want him back in my life. I broke him up with due to conflict in communication and the influence of his friends. We were only together for 7 months. Please help

    Reply
  9. Trish - 0

    Trish

    Every breakup- I’ve had until now, I’ve been upset and heartbroken but always got through telling myself that I am better off without them (and they come back in one form or the other). BUT, all of this changed until my most recent break up. Would desperately love your advice/thoughts on this.

    In June, moved over to the other side of the world (An Australian in New York) and met someone pretty unexpectedly. Wasn’t really looking for anything as I was too busy trying to familiarise myself in a new environment (land the job, sort out the apartment, make some friends, travel etc). We decided that while we weren’t official (gf/bf), we were dating exclusively and really getting to know each other. Once I felt a lot more settled, we would then ‘officialise’ it. Long story short, got into a huge drunken row (over getting into a nightclub!) in August & he unexpectedly pulled the plug (after a month of needing ‘space’ & still wanting to see me!) . His rationale for breaking up was:
    1. He can’t see us get past the fight (where he was being a stubborn dick)
    2. I am not emotionally ready for this move (note: I didn’t know him until I moved up to NY and unfortunately he saw the vulnerable/emotional side to me as I experienced homesickness, job rejections & general unsettlement when you move half way across the world without a support system)
    3. He rather me ‘focus on doing my own thing’

    To say I was devastated is an understatement. Being heartbroken in a completely new country sucks! If we realised that we want different things in life/our values don’t match, then the breakup (to me) was justified. However, I feel like he just threw away a pretty good partnership.

    While I work on settling in & enjoying the expat experience, I would very much like to ‘win’ him back. Why: Apart from having the most epic physical, emotional, mental connection, I feel like we are very much on the same path (have same life goals) & we have SO much fun together. (24 hours before the drunken fight, he told me he’s had the best non-sex related date ever)

    Initially I
    1. Started the no contact rule but he got in touch re a death in his family. Responded like a gnat (2 x messages & 1 call to check up on him) but he didn’t respond back. I haven’t approached him since & am back to abiding by the no contact role.
    2. Deleted my social presence for about 2 weeks (deactivated my FB, Instagram) accounts to give myself some time off & him to miss me. Reactivated my accounts, posted a mix of professional & fun pics. (Sounds so superficial, but it feels good when over a 150 friends like your profile pic. Plus made me realise I’m not alone!)

    After the next 50 days of no contacting/responding, what can I do? Currently, in the midst of “doing my own thing” ; travelling, kicking butt at finding work, making new friends, working out. Any help is much appreciated!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Trish,

      you’re already doing what you need to do.. just stay strong in it. And then take it slow when you get back in touch again. It looks like you already know what to do.. just be consistent with your developments.

    • Trish - 0

      Trish

      Thanks so much Amor! The hardest part is staying strong. This sounds so pathetic but the evening he pulled the plug (over text), I’ve never sobbed so much as I have that night. Couldn’t sleep for about 2 weeks afterwards. 🙁 Am about 2 weeks away from the 45 day no contact but am tossing up about extending it until 50-60. In your experience, when should someone extend the no contact period?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      when they didn’t improve.. If you’re going to breakdown on your first contact text, better not do it..

    • Trish - 0

      Trish

      Oh Amor- desperately need your help. About 45 days of no contacting, I ended up texting him about something Game of Thrones related. He responded to the text almost immediately but didn’t engage in the follow up message. A couple of weeks later, sent him a Snapchat about Cards & Against Humanity. No response. A couple of days ago (a good 2 months after the break up), he unfollowed me on Instagram & deleted me off Snapchat (but kept me on FB). The sort of content I post on Insta & Snapchat is always pretty light hearted & nothing indicates I am crying myself to sleep every night (or waking up in the middle of the night from the same bad dream). I’ve deleted my own social presence once again & want to be off it for a few weeks until I sort myself out.
      Q: why would he delete me off social out of the blue? Am at total loss on what to do. How can you get back with someone if they don’t want you to have access to their life? How do you respond to this? I’m definitely not going to get in touch for sure!

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hmm.. It can mean it hurts for him to see your posts or he thinks you’re just doing it to look happy.. I agree to take a rest from it for a few weeks for now..if he’s still unresponsive, then you have to move on

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