By Chris Seiter

Updated on February 8th, 2021

Today I’m going to show you exactly why men come back after no contact.

In fact, the four things I am going to talk about today are things that I’ve never talked about before¬†and I’m hoping will revolutionize the way the no contact rule is looked at.

It’s a pretty ambitious goal, right?

Well, buckle up because I promise you are in for one heck of a ride!

Does The No Contact Rule Work On Men?

In my opinion, the real question we are trying to answer here isn’t “if” your ex boyfriend will come back after the no contact rule.

It’s why

In other words, we are looking at why the no contact rule works and that’s an interesting question I’ve taken on before.

However, this time it’s different. I went all out and am going to be talking about two unique concepts that I’ve never talked about before as well as expanding on two more concepts that I’ve touched on briefly in my best selling book.

From start to finish those concepts are,

  1. It utilizes the theory of reactance
  2. It also makes use of the information gap theory
  3. The zeigarnik effect is present
  4. It creates unpredictability

I’m really excited about this one because you have no idea how hard it is to find new things to talk about when you feel like you’ve covered everything there is to cover on the no contact rule.

Let’s begin!

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Concept #1: The Theory Of Reactance

If you’re wondering about the most direct way the no contact rule can bring him back then look no further than this concept.

Now, this is something that I’ve covered a lot before so I’m not going to go crazy with it.

What do I mean by that?

Basically, I’m just going to give you a quick crash course.

The Theory Of Reactance: When a human beings behavioral freedoms are threatened they will react in a way to get that freedom back.

For our visual learners,

Essentially when you implement a no contact rule with the intention of getting him back you are indirectly removing your exes behavior freedom of talking to you from the equation.

Of course, this operates under the assumption that they recognize that their freedom has been removed.

Basically they will get the picture once you ignore them if they do end up reaching out.

Once they recognize that they can’t talk to you they are going to try everything they can to win that freedom back.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Attempts may include but are not limited to,

  • Asking you why you are ignoring them
  • Talking to your friends
  • Talking to your family
  • Throwing a hissy fit
  • Getting angry with you
  • Guilting you

You get the picture.

The theory of reactance is one of the primary reasons the no contact rule is cited as a way to make an ex miss you.

However, in my opinion there are many deeper layers to it which is why this article is exploring four concepts instead of just this one.

Concept #2: The Information Gap Theory

If you’ve ever wondered,

“Will my ex come back after no contact?”

Then I have a concept for you!

This is a new concept that I’ve never talked about on the website before and usually save for my coaching clients. However, it’s just too good not to mention here for this article so here we go.

The information gap theory founded by George Loewenstein¬†is all about curiosity. In fact, it’s entire existence is an explanation for why human beings can grow curious over ridiculous things.

Here’s how it works.

When a known entity becomes an unknown entity it creates immense curiosity

Pretty broad, right?

Well, that’s why I’m going to give you an analogy so you can fully grasp this concept.

You’ve heard of hot wheels, right?

They are these tiny little cars you can buy.

Anways, as a kid I was obsessed with them.

“Trains and cars is what you were obsessed with as a child,” said my mom

Anyways, at the grocery store there was an aisle where you could buy all kinds of toys for kids and without fail every single Sunday, the designated shopping day for the Seiter household, I’d beg my mom to buy me a hot wheels car.

Sometimes she’d break down and do it but most of the time she wouldn’t.

But those times that she did break down I was presented with an interesting choice.

Which car do I buy?

Without fail I’d always go for the mystery box,

You see, the thing that stuck out about the mystery box is that you didn’t know what you were going to get.

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With all of the other models you’d know exactly what you were getting.

However, this little gap of information with the mystery box was enough to create curiosity and hijack my choice.

This is the information gap theory put into practice.

How Does This Connect To Making A Man Come Back After No Contact?

Roughly around 80% of the individuals that I coach have been broken up with.

That means that their ex boyfriends made a conscious effort to break up with them.

I’ve been doing this for over half a decade and one thing I’ve learned about people who break up with other people is that certain assumptions get formed.

Usually that assumption is,

She is still in love with me. I can have her any time I want

The problem with that assumption is that every time you reach out, do a favor or say something nice to your ex it feeds that belief that he has that you are still in love with them.

Essentially you become a known entity.

The no contact rule makes you an unknown one. Instead of talking to him whenever he wants you start to shift the paradigm by not talking to him. When he reaches out to test the water you ignore him.

His reality becomes shaken and he has to reprocess what he thinks he knows.

All of this goes a long way towards creating curiosity.

Concept #3: Zeigarnik Effect

This is another concept that I talk about in my book, Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.

I try not to touch on it too much outside of the book because I like to keep specific knowledge for paying customers but I figured this was a perfect place to talk about it since we are talking about curiosity and this concept is the grandfather of creating curiosity.

The Zeigarnik Effect states that people remember uncompleted tasks better than completed ones

Are you familiar with the concept of entropy?

It’s essentially a fancy way of saying that at every given moment the world trends towards chaos.

Human beings are interesting because we are always trying to create order out of a chaotic world.

The Zeigarnik Effect is a continuation of that.

The reason we remember uncompleted tasks is that it’s a type of chaos. It’s something that’s out of order and we seek to order that which is not ordered.

Here’s a fun experiment.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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I want you to go right now and open your front door,

Go on, I’ll wait.

Have you done it?

Probably not, but that’s ok I can still illustrate my point.

If you go open your front door and leave it open for the rest of the night would you feel ok?

Probably not.

Chances are it’d gnaw at you to the point that you can’t think about anything other than that god forsaken open door.


Because front doors aren’t supposed to be open.

It’s an uncompleted task.

It’s almost like someone went out to get the mail, left the door open and then forgot to close it on their way back in.

And that leads me to my ultimate point about the no contact rule.

The Importance Of Patterns

Throughout your relationship with your ex you established a certain communication pattern, right?

Maybe you texted every day.

Maybe it was a few times a week.

Whatever it was, it was your communication pattern.

Breakups interrupt that pattern.

It’s one of the primary reasons we go batsh*t crazy after breakups.

The no contact rule is another interruption of that pattern.

It’s the equivalent of leaving your front door open.

It’ll gnaw at your ex boyfriend to the point where they can’t think of anything else other than the fact that you aren’t talking to each other.

Here’s a general rule of thumb,

The more established the communication pattern is, the more effective the no contact rule will be at bringing your man back.

Concept #4: Unpredictability

Human beings are contradictory.

Especially when it comes to relationships.

  • We say we want someone who is stable when we really want spontaneity.
  • We say we want someone adventurous when we want someone predictable.

One of the biggest things I’ve learned since I started Ex Boyfriend Recovery almost seven years ago is the fact that human beings really require two things to be happy in a relationship,

Predictability and Unpredictability

The funny thing is that these two things are on opposite ends of the spectrum.

But both are required to make a relationship thrive.

Let’s say that you got everything you wanted all of the time out of a relationship.

That would be pretty great, right?

Maybe at first it would. However, like the proverbial tortoise running against the hare, you’d grow bored with it and seek to find a new muse.

Unpredictability gives meaning and appreciation to predictability just like predictability gives meaning and appreciation to unpredictability.

It’s very yin and yang that way.

What is more unpredictable than someone using a no contact rule?

Especially when that pattern has been established that says the opposite about you.

Think of it like this.

In all of the years I’ve been doing this I’ve noticed that overcoming your exes perceptions of you are essential to your success.

If you have a history of being very predictable in your time together then it’s time for you to do something unpredictable.

Something like the no contact rule.

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5 thoughts on “Why Do Men Come Back After No Contact?”

  1. Kimberly Reeves

    November 18, 2020 at 4:16 pm

    Hi there! My bf and I broke up about about 2 months ago, but since we always had an amazing friendship we had remained in contact. He has taken me out to dinner once, calling it a date and we have seen each other twice since then. He lives 2 hrs away and has come to see me after asking my help with stuff. We have slept together twice since the break up.
    Since we live 2 hrs apart, there is a pandemic going on, and I was extremely busy with taking care of my brother who had a stroke, we talked for 4 months before meeting. We talked on the phone and texted daily, we had a great connection. I was his first gf since his divorce so any affection or intimacy took some time. Due to the 2hr difference in where we live and work schedules we went on about 8-9 dates, we did two camping trips, one with some of his family and my teenaged kids and one romantic overnight stay at a local lake resort.
    We also had lots of fun, together, it was easy, no fighting and were attracted to each other. However I did need and want more affection than he did.
    He started pulling away about 3 months into things, and only saw each other once in 4 weeks before I pulled the plug. He responded by saying he had been trying to figure out how to tell me that he could not give me what I needed. Since then he wants to continue to hang out, talk, be friends etc. Told me on our date post break up that there was nothing wrong with our relationship, that I was the perfect woman.
    He has also told me that he wants me in his life forever and would always want to be my friend. Offers to come help with repairs on my house or help when I was sick. He is trying to prove to me how important I am to him but told me he never had the feelings he thought he should have for me that far along in our relationship.
    I have started to pull back on my communication which made him try harder at first but then said he could see it was going to be all or nothing with me and that he couldn’t give all. He has since joined a dating site.
    Does the no contact rule work, if someone never loved you?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 4, 2020 at 10:36 pm

      Hi Kimberly, yes the no contact can still work as you had a point where you were attracting his attention. You just need to take a step back and allow your ex to notice you have gone from his life work on yourself and then reach out with a text that Chris suggests in his articles.

  2. D A

    February 10, 2020 at 5:57 pm

    Does no contact work if it was just a short term casual thing? I really liked him, but he had just gotten out of a relationship a couple months before we met and he wasn’t mentally ready to get into something new.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 11, 2020 at 11:18 pm

      Hi DA yes you are able to do the shorter No Contact of 21 days as long as you didn’t gnat at the point of the break up. Work on being the best version of yourself, showing through social media all the great things you have done with yourself lately. Be social with friends and casual date if you feel up to is to use that to your advantage

  3. Heather R Downey

    June 3, 2019 at 3:07 am

    I did the no contact rule and it worked. We both dated someone after the breakup. I was single first. However we he contacted me before they even broke up. We have been back together but he wanted just sex. No commitment so I backed away for 3 weeks. He hadnt let go. Now I’ve told him I cant do this friend benefit thing and I’m backing away again even though were happy. He needs to shit or get off the pot. What should I do? Am I doing this right I just got him back 4 months ago??