Want to show your ex that you are changing?
Then you’re in the right place.
Because today I’m going to tell you 6 powerful ways/mindset shifts that you can use to show your ex that you’ve turned over a new leaf.
The best part?
All of the tactics that I’m about to unveil to you have been tested to success by my own clients and are absolutely perfect to begin implementing during the beginning stages of a no contact rule.
Let’s get started!
5 Ways To Show Your Ex That You Are Changing?
There’s a common misconception that a lot of people have about “changing” for an ex.
People seem to be under the impression that they need to change themselves.
To change how they are or how they act.
I think that is a dangerous line of thinking to curate. Instead, I often tell the people that I work with that they shouldn’t ever change themselves for another human being. Instead, I think it’s important to improve themselves as evidenced in my most popular guide..
And that’s what I am going to show you.
Instead, of picking on different behaviors and telling you to “change it” I’m going to show you how to improve it.
In all there are five things I’d like to discuss with you today,
- Do A Relationship Inventory
- Improve Any Trust Issues
- Grasp That Reality And Expectations Don’t Always Meet
- Understand And Improve Compatibility Issues
- Work On The Communication Issues You May Have
The more you get to know me the more you’ll see that I like to go above and beyond for my readers.
And I’m not changing (see what I did there?) that behavior just yet.
I’m going to take a good hard look at each one of these things and show you how they can be improved.
Let’s go!
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizChange #1: Do A Relationship Inventory
Have you ever heard that phrase,
History repeats itself?
How could you not?
It’s one of the most popular phrases out there.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThe meaning is relatively simple to catch, if something is done once then there is a high probability that it’ll happen again.
Well, I want you to go to town on that phrase and take a good hard look at your own relationships.
Specifically the breakups.
Did you notice a common theme?
Here is what you are looking for?
- Insecurity issues on your part
- Cheating
- Flirting too much with someone else
- Being too overbearing
- You get the picture
Why would I have you do this exercise?
Because often if you can find a set of behaviors that have negatively impacted your past relationship then it’s a pretty good bet that they will continue to do so.
I look at relationships in an interesting way.
Each romantic relationship I’ve ever had in my life has taught me something.
I’ll give you an example,
In this graphic you’ll notice that I took something to better myself in each relationship.
- With the very first one I learned about insecurity because I let my own insecurities take over and ruin the relationship.
- With the second relationship I didn’t exactly learn my lesson and didn’t have the most trust in the world which of course ruined the relationship
- The third relationship taught me to not be desperate and make sure I do a better job picking my potential partner
After each relationship I took what I learned and applied it to the next relationship.
Eventually after doing this a few times I was ready to find my wife and here we are!
The big mistake I see people making time and time again is that they keep repeating the same mistakes from relationship to relationship.
They don’t change or improve the offending behavior.
Change #2: Improve Any Trust Issues
I talked a bit about this with change #1, didn’t I?
Well, that is because it’s such a common thing I see that can absolutely ruin things.
Trust issues and insecurity go hand in hand in my experience
I can’t tell you how many clients I’ve worked with that have told me their stories and I just sit there and think,
If this person wasn’t so insecure and had a little more trust they’d still be with their ex.
It’s actually quite frustrating.
But trust can also go both ways.
It’s entirely possible to do something that freaks your ex so much they run for the door as fast as possible.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz
Do you know what I’m talking about?
Cheating, specifically you cheating on them.
Nothing kills trust more than cheating.
So, how do you rebuild that trust?
Well, my best advice for you is to actually watch this video,
You’re welcome 🙂 .
Change #3: Grasp That Reality And Expectations Don’t Always Meet
In my opinion the best romantic movie of all time is 500 days of summer and I’m willing to rap battle anyone who thinks any different.
Anyways, I’m such a fan of it because I think it touches on so many relevant things that most of us go through in our romantic lives at least once.
However, there is one scene in it in particular that sticks out and that we can use as a lesson.
It’s this little ditty right here,
Let me do some set up here.
You’ve got a guy who is madly in love with a girl and wants to win her back (sound familiar?)
Anyways, the girl invites the guy to a party that she is hosting and he starts daydreaming on what it will be like seeing her again. He expects that everything he utters will be captivating and will hold the key to his ultimate success in winning her back.
Reality goes a bit differently as the poor guy realizes that she is actually engaged.
Sometimes what we expect to happen can create our own misery when it doesn’t
I see this exact scenario play out on an almost daily basis in our private facebook support group where someones expectations become so unrealistic they are disappointed with reality even when reality is pretty good.
So, what is the big change here?
I want you to change your mindset on expectations.
Start living in reality!
Change #4: Understand And Improve Compatibility Issues
Are you familiar with my wavelength theory?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizIn a nutshell it goes like this,
Essentially you are looking for a romantic partner that you can be on the same wavelength with.
The problem is, since starting Ex Boyfriend Recovery and seeing thousands of relationships I find that most couples aren’t on the same wavelength.
I’ll give you an example.
Let’s say Dean and Sarah are dating.
(I just randomly made up names so bear with me here.)
Sarah wants nothing more than for Dean to propose. They’ve been dating for three years after all.
The problem is that Dean hasn’t shown any interest in advancing the relationship to that level.
And yet here is Sarah pushing him to go look at rings.
It also comes as a complete shock to her when he eventually breaks up with her.
Why?
Because she is living on a different wavelength.
Relationships are meant to be mutual
Mutual relationships live on the same wavelength.
Failed relationships live on different wavelengths.
One of the best pieces of advice that I can give you is to actually take a look at your overall relationship goals and see if they match with your exes.
If they don’t then you probably need to work to make sure that they do.
Change #5: Work On The Communication Issues That You May Have
Communication is an interesting topic.
When most people talk about it the assumption is that one party sucks at it and the other is good.
I’m here to tell you that you are wearing blinders if you only look at the situation that way.
Here’s the best way I can describe it,
I want you to view communication as a spectrum.
On one side of the spectrum you have the people who aren’t good at communicating,
- They can’t tell you what they want
- Aren’t good at communicating their needs
- Often are silent and let things boil
On the other side of the spectrum you have the people who are too good at communicating,
- They do tell you what they want
- Are great at communicating their needs
- Are not silent when there are problems
So, where should you fall in the spectrum?
Well, clearly you shouldn’t fall on the bad side of the spectrum but don’t fool yourself into thinking that you should fall completely on the good side as well.
Sounds weird, right?
I’ll give you an example that is literally happening to me right now.
As many of you know I coach people for a living.
One thing I do for my clients (not all the time anymore) is communicate with them in the moment when they are having a tough time. I started writing this article about an hour and a half ago. As I began writing one of my clients had a bit of a breakdown and reached out to me.
I told them very clearly that I wouldn’t be able to answer them as I had things to do today.
Out of curiosity, as I was writing this section, I checked my messages to see if they had disregarded my response.
I have an additional 20 messages sent from this one person.
This is an example of someone who is very good at communicating… too good.
It can actually be a turn off if you are too overwhelming so ideally you want to aim to be right around here when it comes to the spectrum,
You aren’t TOO good at communicating you are just good at communicating.
That’s probably the best way I can think of to describe this because a lot of it is going to be based on feel.
Conclusion
Lets do a quick round up for the lazy people who didn’t read and skipped to the end.
…..
…….
………
I’m just kidding!
Here’s everything you need to be taking from this article,
- Make sure you do a relationship inventory and look at if you have consistent breakup behaviors
- Shore up any trust issues you may have and do what you can to ease your exes trust issues (see the video above for more information on how to do that
- The movie 500 Days of Summer teaches us a lot about relationships
- Sometimes our expectations set us up for heartbreak, don’t get seduced by it
- Pay attention to your exes wavelength. If the two of you are too far apart you might have a massive problem
- Ensure that you understand the communication spectrum and where you need to be falling on it
I’m under no illusions that some of what I talked about today might be very complicated and might be too advanced for you to fully grasp. If you have any questions about anything I talked about here or need further clarification make sure you comment below.
I answer!
Cholena Huffer
May 29, 2022 at 11:29 pm
That article really helped, and a lot of it described me to a T, so I know what exactly I need to do to fix myself but also fix getting back with the love of my life and not just say words but actually show.
Terri-Ann Arendse
April 13, 2022 at 12:38 pm
Hi , my ex fiance and i split 3 years ago…He is also the father of my child. He says he needs time to process everything ( me still saying I love him and I’ll fight for him) it’s quite difficult to apply the no contact rule simply because we share a child.What do I do ? He isn’t also saying no, neither yes so how do I know he still loves me ? Sadly I cheated and left him because everything got to much for me .
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 21, 2022 at 12:34 pm
Hey Terri, so you would follow the limited no contact rule where you would only speak with your ex about your child and shared contact. Avoid speaking with them about the break up the relationship getting back together. The fact that you cheated is going to also mean that he is going to not trust you, or that you hurt him. This is going to take time and you are going to have to allow him that time to process how he feels and if he can move past that you had cheated.
Josanne O’Garro
February 12, 2022 at 11:33 am
What to do when your boyfriend tells you to leave the home you share together and he likes being by himself for the while
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 13, 2022 at 2:02 pm
Hey Josanne, it depends on what he meant by leave? Was he joking and asking for some alone time, or was he angry? I would say that if it was angry then I would be sure to be less available to him.
Saniya Hawkins
January 16, 2022 at 4:21 am
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. I have been a little toxic and upset whenever he does something without me, he broke up with me a third time. I want to show him I changed and for the better. He wants space and time and to get himself together alone. How do I show him I changed. Will he come back a third time? He says I act on emotion a lot and is afraid to communicate with because of my emotional reactions. It’s been a week. And we work together. We just had abortion after I found I was pregnant after we broke up , and he was supportive but still doesn’t want to be with me but want to be friends . Can this relationship be salvaged ?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 16, 2022 at 9:14 pm
Hi Saniya, it is difficult to change someone’s opinion of you when you have repeated the same actions time and time again. I would say that you need to spend a lot of time working on yourself, spending time with your own friends and away from your ex to show him that you are working on yourself and your life. I would also suggest that you spend some time working out why you got upset that he was doing things without you, is it FOMO or is it an insecurity? I would say that no matter what relationship you enter in your life it is good to have time away from your partner as you need the opportunity to miss each other to WANT to spend time together. Your first step is going to be following a limited no contact as you work together, but keep it business only.
Alison Beasley
July 31, 2021 at 10:02 pm
My ex and I were together 7 yrs everything was good, then bc of some issues I had to move out. Within 2 months, we broke up, he moved out, and isn’t speaking me (im blocked from calling), he seeing someone but deny its relationship (she the opposite of me in every way). He said I had changed and wasn’t the woman he fell in love with. Everyone, including his mom, says he still loves me. This is our 1st breakup, 7 yrs to too long to give up
Rose
June 12, 2021 at 10:13 pm
Hi, my ex broke up with me because he said I needed to change. That I have things to work on and that he has given me chances. It has been stressful over the last few months as he moved further away so the relationship became long distance and we were only seeing each other once a week. I am planning to move to closer to him (regardless of the outcome of the relationship). He said that in the future that it might be the right time for a relationship and we can start again, as my family weren’t supportive of us. He said he loves me and that’s why it’s so hard to let go but he wants space and time so he can work on his career and I can work on other things.
I’m not quite sure what to take of this, we’re doing the no talking thing but have mutually agreed in the future with no set date that we could catch up, whether he does or not I’m not sure. I don’t know whether this is a good sign that I haven’t completely lost him or not?
Ellie
January 31, 2021 at 1:44 pm
My ex dumped me badly over Christmas, in a pandemic reaching the breaking point over night and literally leaving me alone in the house we once shared. Since then he has not asked me once how I was, he only sent me lists of things he had forgotten here to put outside the door. I have been devastated and thought a lot about our relationship of 5 years. It was always rocky and with Covid in particular trust and respect went out of the roof, conflicts were every day. I fully acknowledge my part of mistakes and am.working on them seriously. Problem is he is out of touch completely. He blames incompatibility and says he has a lot of data to work on. He does not seem to care, but according to a common friend he is hurt. I am hurt because of the way he treated me, when I reached out the says after he left he insulted me badly, telling me he is the victim and I have no dignity. I did not send him away, he did everything alone over night, didn’t let me know. I take accountability for making the relationship difficult at times but how can I have a dialogue with him that we do not talk anymore? I don’t feel strong enough to reach out first in case he rejects me again. Is there any chance for us? Thanks for any insights.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 6, 2021 at 4:48 pm
Hi Ellie, if you want to follow this program then you are the one who needs to reach out first after your No Contact
Christy Lovelace
August 26, 2020 at 6:11 pm
My ex has told me he doesn’t want in a relationship with me but he talks to me everytime I text him and he even ask me to come over sometimes. I need to know how to show him that I’m ready to change and not get mad when he wants to do something without me. How should I handle this. Should I just keep up what I’m doing or let him do more of the texting I just don’t want to get strung along too long. We have dated off and on for 5 years. And everytime we break up it’s because I act mad when he wants to do something without me
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
August 27, 2020 at 4:10 pm
Hey Christy, with the on and off again relationships it is often that they come back. Your issue is making the relationship work and last happily and healthily so that you do not break up again. Read through and follow the information about the Holy Trinity and being Ungettable to help you. And allow them to initiate the conversation more this is showing investment and is a good sign if you want to get back together.
Jay
March 17, 2020 at 11:36 pm
We went through a pretty bad breakup after a huge argument. This was back in mid January. I have seen her once since then and she stayed over my place after dinner. But then told me she needs time and space and that she just doesn’t think it’s fair for her to give me so many chances (I have made some stupid mistakes throughout our relationship, but nothing like cheating or things that would destroy a relationship to that extent.) Its Been no contact on and off since then, with her sending texts out of the blue saying she will always care about me. The other night we spoke over text in which she stated she loves me so much and hopes down the line we can be together but is emotionally exhausted. She stated she thought we would be getting engaged this year. She stated she needs time and space, which I agreed to give her. But how am I supposed to connect with her on an emotional level while giving her that time and space. I don’t want to push her away by contacting her and I don’t want to make her any more confused than she already is. I am deeply in love with this girl and know she is not seeing anyone else. I know she is super confused and scared of being hurt. It’s sucks also because I am a police officer in A big city and she is a nurse in the same city, which is making things extremely difficult with the coronavirus scare. She reached out to me yesterday expressing concern for my parents who have underlying conditions, and also for me to be careful. But then she states that she needs time to be alone. What would you suggest would be my best course of action. Hope to hear from you. Once again thanks for all the help I don’t know what I’d be doing without your information on this subject. I appreciate all of your information, and the videos, they’ve literally been a lifesaver during these times.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 29, 2020 at 10:33 pm
Hi Jay I am glad this information is helping you, keep reading and keep watching as it does really help. I think giving the times, your main issue now is she is going to be very busy and exhausted in work lines. Since your post the virus has of course increased. I would be understanding that you are not going to be a priority at this time as she is going to be working and then resting as much as she can. I would suggest that you follow a Limited no contact for 21 days where you do not reach out to her at all, but reply if she gets in touch with you this way you are respecting her need for space. But do not be disheartened if you do not hear form her with the state of the world. Look after yourself and your parents the rest will fall into place
Saniya
January 14, 2020 at 12:57 am
My partner dumped me on 11 week of pregnancy.
He collect his stuff from home when I wasn’t at home called me an told it’s over;
He told he moved on it’s over; he doesn’t want child anymore with me; he told I have a narcissistic behavior disorder; he send me message with all explanation how I am he felt constantly on egg shells and lost himself; never enough for me;
I realized I was toxic for him; emotional sometimes in passive aggressive; i did NC for 2 weeks after send him a message with apologies and told I understood him and want to change to work on myself;
We met had night to together he told he made a decision and doesn’t want to change …. but he confused and he needs time;
He send me mail in 2 says told it’s over people can’t change but he will support baby ; I didn’t reply; he contact me in 10 days and told to not have a baby if I expected him to come he will never come back he has a new relationship and he is happy first time for a long time …
I am sorry I realize my mistake I am working on it ..and ready to show how we can do …..
Do I have chance to get him back ?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 18, 2020 at 4:09 am
Hi there so you need to read the being there method if you want to try and get your ex back and if you feel you made a mistake then you can only follow this program and show that you know what you did wrong by being patient and speaking to him with patience and calmness
Chasity whiting
December 10, 2019 at 3:56 pm
My ex and I broke up August 10 2019 I saw a couple of messages to women on his phone I didn’t do it on purpose when I came in to go to sleep his phone was where my pillow went I picked it up it was open on a message to a girl. I then went through his phone and saw another one I woke him up told him he had to go. He had rode with me that night so I had to take him home he ask me to let him explain and I would not he did try. I was moving in with him that night I made him bring me my things. When I left he text told me he was a shamed of himself and I could take him off social media I said ok before I could get home he blocked me on Facebook a few days went by and I thought I should have let him talk to me his kids were calling me upset. So when I called he said you didn’t wanna hear what I had to say and it wasn’t good long story short we kept being around each other I rode with him 12 hours to and from to take his daughter back to collage and we fought all the way back. I had let my lease go on my apartment and begged him to give us another chance he would not I had to move in with my mom he helped me move if it wasn’t for him I would not have been able to do it. We keep getting close then he pushes it away even told me he was scared I can’t take it and I go off on him it’s like I’m a yo yo on a string so I went 16 days no contact when he heard from me he was so happy! He wanted me to come over that day pretty much for a booty I’m thinking I did go over but didn’t have sex with him that day now I’m really close to his kids their mother passed away long story short he was letting his son do something I didn’t think was ok I got upset with him seems like it pushed him away I went over on Sunday we watched a couple of movies he seemed not to really want me to go but didn’t say it. He works 3rd when he took his son to school he called yesterday I went over took him breakfast and he has been sick with some issues and I told him he needed to take better care of him self. I had to go back by later I didn’t get out he cane out and said don’t leave without a hug and he kissed me today he didn’t call and I text him good morning how was work his reply
Was morning it was ok
I’m so lost on what to do I had went no contact because he told me he wanted to be friends and was still calling to and from work and taking his kid to school like we was still together everyday and I could not get over him I’m still not I really don’t know what to do or if I even have a chance
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 15, 2019 at 12:01 am
Chasity, you need to tell your ex that you are not able to be friends with him right now and that he has to respect that and accept that. If he does not want to be in a relationship with you stick to a no contact and let him see what life is like without you in it. The fact he does not accept that you need time apart but yet wants to be broken up is not considering your feelings whatsoever. So stand your ground
Lenora Riley
September 18, 2019 at 10:43 am
Hi My ex split up with me after 5 years. It is going on 7 weeks now. I had always felt like he was lying to me about messing around with a 25 yrs old. We are both 58. He always have said nothing’s going on, they are just friends. I was nagging,insecure and it made him mad. So he told me he was done. Of course hurt and frustrated. I went into NC mode. After week 3 he started liking my post. I never responded. Week 5 he knocked at my door, I was surprised. He gave me money and said because you are my friend. I said thank you and he left. Week 7,I saw him outside he came to me with the good morning,how are you feeling today? I responded fine. He starting going into complaining ( like he normally does) about him not sleeping, his aches and pains,headaches. I listened like I always have,not responding like I normally would. After 5 minutes of that. I told him I had to leave. I left, I dont know if I should reach out,wait for him to reach out or stay in no contact mode?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 19, 2019 at 8:31 am
Hi Lenora, have you completed a full No Contact yet? If so you need to. Do you want him back? If you do, follow the program properly
Marie
October 10, 2018 at 6:23 am
Hi Chris 🙂
I’m in kind of in an odd predicament. Me and the guy I have been seeing (on/off for a couple years) mutually decided to go NC for a month. In a conversation I asked where we were at/what we were doing relationship-wise and after a while he admitted that he had committment issues, that he knows he can’t commit to anyone until he figures it out, requested time to work on it. I mentioned NC and he agreed (I’m not perfect and need to work on stuff too). We set a date to start communication again unless there was an emergency. I really care about him and he says the same. I honestly just want your thoughts on it lol. I’ve been reading your resources in ex recovery pro and it has been very insightful. TIA!
Chris Seiter
October 11, 2018 at 4:43 am
Hi Marie!
I am glad you are getting so good ideas from my eBook Pro. I think that your ex may have bitten off more than he can chew. He may realize sooner than he thinks how important you are to him. And you can help that along by employing some of the tactics I cover in “Pro”
Tova
October 4, 2018 at 9:23 pm
Hi Chris. Me and my ex did what I think you would call a mutual split about two weeks ago. I feel awful about losing him and I am concerned that I am willing to do anything to get him to talk to me again. Our relationship was about 1,5 years long. We shared a very strong emotional connection or “vibe”. Even though we had a strong emotional connection, we had some communication problems. He often left me guessing what he wanted and had problem talking about his feelings.
We have had a distance relationship since April, and the relationship ended just now in September. During the summer the distance between us became further and further and I felt so sad and lonely I during this period downloaded Tinder. In the beginning of September I moved to a town even further away from him to study. I felt so lost and alone that I started talking to one of those tinder matches and one night we met up purely for sex. I felt horrible both talking to him (the tinder guy), while cheating and after.
It took four days for me to tell my ex bf and he went mad, rude and said some ugly things. I was a total emotional train wreck at this time and I said maybe we just better break up and I blocked him on several social medias so that he wouldn’t continue to reach me with his mean words. After this we had several long text messages, one good telephone call on which we calmly took the decision on breaking up. Then I called him about a week later crying and begging for him to take me back. Now I have no choice but to leave him alone since he told me he does not want to see me.
Of course all this gave a bad aftertaste on his behalf. I will time to self try to think about what went wrong in our relationship and work on myself to become a better person.
But then I guess there’s going to be a time when we will have to communicate again (he has one key to my apartment and I have some of his clothes that he said he wanted back). But I have NO IDEA how I should forward that moment or what vibes I want to reinforce. I know myself to that I’m early carried away by my emotions and I do not want to become the crying creep.
The only thing I know for sure is that I’ve made the biggest mistake in my whole life and that I want him back, whatever it takes
Chris Seiter
October 5, 2018 at 2:14 am
HI Tova!
Probably best to fashion an ex recovery plan. So this site should help you. Visit my home page and check out the resources and tools. And trust me, there are far worse mistakes you could have made. Its going to be OK once you have a sensible plan to heal and try and get your ex back.
Chris Seiter
October 5, 2018 at 2:14 am
HI Tova!
Probably best to fashion an ex recovery plan. So this site should help you. Visit my home page and check out the resources and tools. And trust me, there are far worse mistakes you could have made. Its going to be OK once you have a sensible plan to heal and try and get your ex back.
Patty
September 16, 2018 at 2:44 am
Hi Chris,
My boyfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. I was totoally blindsighted. He says he loves me but not as much as he used to and that we have fundamental differences in values and he doesn’t want to marry me. I have been very defensive when this topics came up which makes him more convinced that we have different values and goals in life. During the break up I pleaded and begged but I then agreed to the break up and imitated NC.
I have taken the time in the last two weeks to reflect and mapped out my core values and beginning to work on myself. I realised that it’s not our values that are different but our ways of communicating them. I also realised that i had been pressuring him about marriage, but I don’t actually care about that (I rather salvage my relationship)
How can I show him and change his mind on these issues ? He is very stubborn and thinks this break up is the best for both of us
Chris Seiter
September 17, 2018 at 9:37 pm
Hi Patty…so proud of you for focusing on your core values and being the best “you”. NC is a pathway. You can learn more about this process in my eBooks, posts, videos, podcasts.
Marie
September 15, 2018 at 1:09 pm
I am in extended NC (60) days ending tomorrow after being kinda “rejected” for my ex, a year and a half after the break up. He was sending mixed singnals and one day kinda “rejected” me without having done or asking him anything. Since then, we didn’t text each other and I can’t initiate. I did NC another times and he always texted. Not this time. And I suspect he is now dating another girl which lives near to him (we live in opposite sides of the country). It would be a serious case of greener grass because he hates LDR so with her near, no problem. He forgot about me forever, it seems. I use very well my social media, keep working on become the supercharged UG but nothing. I don’t know what to do. I can’t move on, I love him and I just want a chace. Can you help me please? Tomorrow will be 2 months without talking but due the circumstances “the “rejection”, the possibility of him being with another girl…) I can’t initiate, it would be awful.
Erica
September 13, 2018 at 8:14 pm
My ex and I dated for 7 months, and he recently broke up with me in a very hurtful way after getting upset at me for something trivial (said terrible things, said he didn’t want it anymore, was angry when I tried to reconcile, and avoided me / refused to talk until finally he walked away; all publicly… he broke up with me on a flight and left me at the airport). He seemed very upset, a lot of emotion and anger, but was completely cold to me. We tended to have bad arguments every few weeks because of my insecurity and his defensiveness. I felt like he didn’t understand what I was trying to communicate, he thought I blamed him for things that he hadn’t done wrong, but I was trying to communicate things that made me feel disregarded (like him leaving me at his friend’s party when it was the first time I’d met them). I know I was insecure and sometimes (admittedly) moody or passive-aggressive, and so I probably didn’t approach things in the right way. I feel awful and like I ruined my relationship due to my insecurities and inability to communicate. I did some immature things. The way we broke up was so bad I don’t know how to proceed. It feels like he’s over it because he has not reached out and even left our mutual chat group on whatsapp, it’s been 2-3 weeks. How do I go about it? Should I reach out and apologize or go no contact? Should I be the one to break the silence or will it show him I have no respect for myself due to the way he broke up with me? Some of his complaints in our relationship was that I didn’t respect him, “give” enough, worried too much, and didn’t initiate or clearly state what I wanted. Do I even stand a chance of getting him back or is it over?
Liz
September 11, 2018 at 11:42 am
Hi Chris and EBR team! I know it’s a long shot but I really hope you reply and I’m sorry with how long this detailed explanation is going to be.
So me and my boyfriend (early and mid 20’s) had been going out for just over two years. It was a long build up to us finally going out, around six months because he was really shy. It was both our first proper relationship but it was really loving and we had the odd occasion of an argument (not a lot though) and we would talk about it once we were both feeling better. He’d got into a few bad habits this year (not going into it but drugs and a bit of debt) and eventually told me at separate times. Although it was hard to hear at first and a bit of a shock I made sure I was being as supportive as I could be towards him. At the end of July he went to see someone for depression and got a prescription to help him, he also went to counselling sessions. I was so proud that he was doing this to help himself because I know a lot of people don’t think they need help or they don’t want it. I’d suffered from depression and anxiety a few years prior so I could empathise towards him, I think it’s fair to say that I even mollycoddled him because I didn’t want him to have to go through this alone.
So the next few weeks were fine and normal. I went on holiday for a week with my family and he was meant to come up and join us halfway through. He said he felt ill so he didn’t come up in the end. I was upset but we were still texting so I thought it was all fine. I came back and we’d decided to meet up the following evening. The texts were still normal up to this point. I was at his house chilling with his parents before he came home. He looked upset and asked if we could talk. I was worried that he was going to say he was back on the drugs. We got in his car and that’s when he told me he was breaking up with me. My heart shattered. I was in utter shock. We tried to talk about it and I remember I kept saying this isn’t happening. He was saying to wasn’t me it was him and that I deserved better. He drove me home and we were both in floods of tears, he kept trying to comfort me but I couldn’t handle it. My friends told me to never speak to him again and leave it like that. The following morning he sent me a text saying that he would always be there for me if I ever needed to talk to him. I’d only had 2 hours sleep that night (understandably) so I had had a lot of time to think (I think that is when I found this amazing website!). I didn’t want to speak to him but by early evening I decided that I wanted at least some of the control in the breakup, since it was such a shock the night before, so I asked if we could meet up to talk and he agreed. We met and spoke for around an hour. I made some fair points (like how he was living with rose tinted glasses around his friends because he hadn’t told them anything) and he agreed I wouldn’t say I begged for him back, I did ask for us to try but it was in a classy manner. We both cried a tiny bit more and I left. He asked me to let him know that I got home okay. I rang him and told him, I said I wouldn’t talk to him for a while but if he needed me, I’d be there. He also said he would be doing the same. We both said I love you for the last time.
So, the no contact rule started. We were meant to go to a couples thing the following day, one of his mates Gfs asked if I was going and of course I had to tell her what had happened. We met the following day. She’d said as soon as he got there he’d told the guys that he had broken up with me but was playing it off like it was one of those things. However when he spoke to her about it she could see how hurt he was by it and was asking about me. Everyone there was shocked. That evening I text his mum just to say that I was confused but I also didn’t want her to think I was abandoning her son. She rang me the following day saying she was shocked and had been crying the entire weekend.
Anyway. I did 21 days of solid no contact. I knew he wasn’t going to text me because he can be quite stubborn (I hate labelling people). However I have a feeling it would have been hard on him too as he is very much a person of routine. I made sure I was posting on my insta and although he didn’t like my posts, he was watching my story and his name has always been at the top. I sent him a good first text about a game we used to play because I’d finally beat his score that he’d spent a long time trying to beat mine (He’s very competitive) and he replied almost straight away (I must add that he’s notoriously known for being a bad texter but he was always quite good with me). Two texts each, I then replied to him the following morning and he read the message and didn’t reply. We were supposed to be at a family event of his that night so I made sure I was busy and posted about it. The following day we were meant to be at a family event of mine so I added to my insta story. My BF isn’t one to post on social media a lot at all so when I saw he’d uploaded to his story 3 times and he changed his profile pic on fb (but not our relationship status) I thought it was a teeny tiny bit odd but at the same time tried not to think about it because I didn’t want to over analyse. Yesterday I sent him one of those cliffhanger texts which worked because he replied a bit later and we had a small convo. The story made him laugh and he went on to ask how I’d been. I told him about the upcoming interview and tests that I’ve got coming this week and he told me he was proud of me. I asked how he was and he told me and it was a good convo. I then ended it there as i had to get up early the following morning. It was light and a little flirty from both sides. He replied to my text and then sent another ‘goodnight bub xx’ That was one of his pet names for me so I was a tad like… huh? This morning when I woke up he had changed his dp from us to him so now I’m just a tad more confused. Im really trying not to look too far into it because at the end of the day it is just a picture and we’re not together at the moment.
I’d like to add that although my boyfriend says none of it was my fault, reflecting on our relationship I can see that I had maybe become a tiny bit clingy to him (not overly) and I would sometimes get a bit jealous because I guess I was a bit insecure. I’d lost bit of my sparkle. Also I found it hard to open up to him, I’ve always been like this throughout life to anyone. I went counselling straight away after the breakup and I do feel like Ive achieve a lot and I do feel more confident (even though I do still have a cry about the break up). I just want to be able to show him that I have improved (though I guess by not gnatting him has helped).
There’s no doubt that this boy loves me and I love that boy so much, for me there’s no point of getting to know someone new. I have a gut feeling that we will find a way back to each other and I think I’ve read almost every article on here. I guess I just want to know if I’m doing the right thing from an unbiased person or just need some encouragement because I don’t want to give up on us. It’s just really hard to believe when I have so many people giving me their own opinions on leaving, as if it was there own choice to make (I do however politely accept their opinion and just try to disregard after). Thank you for reading this essay lol.
Aashu
September 6, 2018 at 7:01 am
He brokeup with me 1 month back..i started no contact but failed and contacted twice to convinced him to get back.we are in on and off relationship from last 4 yrs. last year he broke up and we got back after i used no contact for 1 month but dint follow post no contact rules and directly asked him to give this relationship a chance and he agreed. But thins dint go well and we broke up again and now he’s sure of the break up now as he says there are trust issues where in i dont trust him and we have compatible issues and thus fight almost everyday because of lack of trust and my overthinking problem. Hes adamant on not getting back and says we should leave things to time now and move ahead in life. My friends tried to talk to him to get back on which he said give her time she will move on and right now moving on is the best option. My bday happens to be on 14th sept. My frnds asked him to come to the bday party for which he said he can come only if i am not affected by his presence and not want me to get sad on my bday. Should I invite him? Is there any chance we can get back togher? Also he feels we alread gave our relationship a chance but same issues arrived and trust issues frm my end cant be worked out. Should i start the contact again and for how long? Should i start after my bday? I am on the 9th day of no contact which i stared again after breaking it twice last month. Please help..in a bad condition and looking forward for your reply.
Chris Seiter
September 7, 2018 at 4:07 am
Hi Aashu!
Some guys can be adamant about not getting back, then flip. Best to stay with your plan of NC. You have my ebook…program right? Just follow that blueprint. Focus on your healing. You need to be self reliant and not feel so dependent on him to better your chances of recovery in all respects.
Eboni
September 6, 2018 at 3:13 am
Hi Chris. I have so many conflicting emotions right now. My ex broke up with me yesterday saying that even though he loves and cares about me, our relationship can’t work the way it was because I have a lot of negative energy as he put it. I deal with insecurity issues, really bad anxiety, and a sprinkle of depression. And he says that he was distracting me from getting the help I need to better myself so he let me go but agreed to remain friends. After that talk, I blocked him on all social media accounts I have and I’m using this time to work on improving myself now by joining extracurricular activities and going to counseling. But I can’t help but feel scared. I took the available quiz here and it gave me a score of 70/100 so it kind of gave me hope that we have a second chance but what if he doesn’t want to…?
Chris Seiter
September 6, 2018 at 4:16 am
Hi Eboni….i understand. Breakups and conflicting emotions often go together. Its still very early and feelings are raw. Its best Eboni to have an reliable ex recovery plan. That is what my program is all about….helping people optimize their chances. So go to my home page and check out some of my resources to better your chances.