Want to show your ex that you are changing?

Then you’re in the right place.

Because today I’m going to tell you 6 powerful ways/mindset shifts that you can use to show your ex that you’ve turned over a new leaf.

The best part?

All of the tactics that I’m about to unveil to you have been tested to success by my own clients.

Let’s get started!

5 Ways To Show Your Ex That You Are Changing?

There’s a common misconception that a lot of people have about “changing” for an ex.

People seem to be under the impression that they need to change themselves.

To change how they are or how they act.

I think that is a dangerous line of thinking to curate. Instead, I often tell the people that I work with that they shouldn’t ever change themselves for another human being. Instead, I think it’s important to improve themselves.

And that’s what I am going to show you.

Instead, of picking on different behaviors and telling you to “change it” I’m going to show you how to improve it.

In all there are five things I’d like to discuss with you today,

  1. Do A Relationship Inventory
  2. Improve Any Trust Issues
  3. Grasp That Reality And Expectations Don’t Always Meet
  4. Understand And Improve Compatibility Issues
  5. Work On The Communication Issues You May Have

The more you get to know me the more you’ll see that I like to go above and beyond for my readers.

And I’m not changing (see what I did there?) that behavior just yet.

I’m going to take a good hard look at each one of these things and show you how they can be improved.

Let’s go!

Change #1: Do A Relationship Inventory

Have you ever heard that phrase,

History repeats itself?

How could you not?

It’s one of the most popular phrases out there.

The meaning is relatively simple to catch, if something is done once then there is a high probability that it’ll happen again.

Well, I want you to go to town on that phrase and take a good hard look at your own relationships.

Specifically the breakups.

Did you notice a common theme?

Here is what you are looking for?

  • Insecurity issues on your part
  • Cheating
  • Flirting too much with someone else
  • Being too overbearing
  • You get the picture

Why would I have you do this exercise?

Because often if you can find a set of behaviors that have negatively impacted your past relationship then it’s a pretty good bet that they will continue to do so.

I look at relationships in an interesting way.

Each romantic relationship I’ve ever had in my life has taught me something.

I’ll give you an example,

In this graphic you’ll notice that I took something to better myself in each relationship.

  1. With the very first one I learned about insecurity because I let my own insecurities take over and ruin the relationship.
  2. With the second relationship I didn’t exactly learn my lesson and didn’t have the most trust in the world which of course ruined the relationship
  3. The third relationship taught me to not be desperate and make sure I do a better job picking my potential partner

After each relationship I took what I learned and applied it to the next relationship.

Eventually after doing this a few times I was ready to find my wife and here we are!

The big mistake I see people making time and time again is that they keep repeating the same mistakes from relationship to relationship.

They don’t change or improve the offending behavior.

Change #2: Improve Any Trust Issues

I talked a bit about this with change #1, didn’t I?

Well, that is because it’s such a common thing I see that can absolutely ruin things.

Trust issues and insecurity go hand in hand in my experience

I can’t tell you how many clients I’ve worked with that have told me their stories and I just sit there and think,

If this person wasn’t so insecure and had a little more trust they’d still be with their ex.

It’s actually quite frustrating.

But trust can also go both ways.

It’s entirely possible to do something that freaks your ex so much they run for the door as fast as possible.

Do you know what I’m talking about?

Cheating, specifically you cheating on them.

Nothing kills trust more than cheating.

So, how do you rebuild that trust?

Well, my best advice for you is to actually watch this video,

You’re welcome 🙂 .

Change #3: Grasp That Reality And Expectations Don’t Always Meet

In my opinion the best romantic movie of all time is 500 days of summer and I’m willing to rap battle anyone who thinks any different.

Anyways, I’m such a fan of it because I think it touches on so many relevant things that most of us go through in our romantic lives at least once.

However, there is one scene in it in particular that sticks out and that we can use as a lesson.

It’s this little ditty right here,

Let me do some set up here.

You’ve got a guy who is madly in love with a girl and wants to win her back (sound familiar?)

Anyways, the girl invites the guy to a party that she is hosting and he starts daydreaming on what it will be like seeing her again. He expects that everything he utters will be captivating and will hold the key to his ultimate success in winning her back.

Reality goes a bit differently as the poor guy realizes that she is actually engaged.

Sometimes what we expect to happen can create our own misery when it doesn’t

I see this exact scenario play out on an almost daily basis in our private facebook support group where someones expectations become so unrealistic they are disappointed with reality even when reality is pretty good.

So, what is the big change here?

I want you to change your mindset on expectations.

Start living in reality!

Change #4: Understand And Improve Compatibility Issues

Are you familiar with my wavelength theory?

In a nutshell it goes like this,

Essentially you are looking for a romantic partner that you can be on the same wavelength with.

The problem is, since starting Ex Boyfriend Recovery and seeing thousands of relationships I find that most couples aren’t on the same wavelength.

I’ll give you an example.

Let’s say Dean and Sarah are dating.

(I just randomly made up names so bear with me here.)

Sarah wants nothing more than for Dean to propose. They’ve been dating for three years after all.

The problem is that Dean hasn’t shown any interest in advancing the relationship to that level.

And yet here is Sarah pushing him to go look at rings.

It also comes as a complete shock to her when he eventually breaks up with her.

Why?

Because she is living on a different wavelength.

Relationships are meant to be mutual

Mutual relationships live on the same wavelength.

Failed relationships live on different wavelengths.

One of the best pieces of advice that I can give you is to actually take a look at your overall relationship goals and see if they match with your exes.

If they don’t then you probably need to work to make sure that they do.

Change #5: Work On The Communication Issues That You May Have

Communication is an interesting topic.

When most people talk about it the assumption is that one party sucks at it and the other is good.

I’m here to tell you that you are wearing blinders if you only look at the situation that way.

Here’s the best way I can describe it,

I want you to view communication as a spectrum.

On one side of the spectrum you have the people who aren’t good at communicating,

  • They can’t tell you what they want
  • Aren’t good at communicating their needs
  • Often are silent and let things boil

On the other side of the spectrum you have the people who are too good at communicating,

  • They do tell you what they want
  • Are great at communicating their needs
  • Are not silent when there are problems

So, where should you fall in the spectrum?

Well, clearly you shouldn’t fall on the bad side of the spectrum but don’t fool yourself into thinking that you should fall completely on the good side as well.

Sounds weird, right?

I’ll give you an example that is literally happening to me right now.

As many of you know I coach people for a living.

One thing I do for my clients (not all the time anymore) is communicate with them in the moment when they are having a tough time. I started writing this article about an hour and a half ago. As I began writing one of my clients had a bit of a breakdown and reached out to me.

I told them very clearly that I wouldn’t be able to answer them as I had things to do today.

Out of curiosity, as I was writing this section, I checked my messages to see if they had disregarded my response.

I have an additional 20 messages sent from this one person.

This is an example of someone who is very good at communicating… too good.

It can actually be a turn off if you are too overwhelming so ideally you want to aim to be right around here when it comes to the spectrum,

You aren’t TOO good at communicating you are just good at communicating.

That’s probably the best way I can think of to describe this because a lot of it is going to be based on feel.

Conclusion

Lets do a quick round up for the lazy people who didn’t read and skipped to the end.

…..

…….

………

I’m just kidding!

Here’s everything you need to be taking from this article,

  • Make sure you do a relationship inventory and look at if you have consistent breakup behaviors
  • Shore up any trust issues you may have and do what you can to ease your exes trust issues (see the video above for more information on how to do that
  • The movie 500 Days of Summer teaches us a lot about relationships
  • Sometimes our expectations set us up for heartbreak, don’t get seduced by it
  • Pay attention to your exes wavelength. If the two of you are too far apart you might have a massive problem
  • Ensure that you understand the communication spectrum and where you need to be falling on it

I’m under no illusions that some of what I talked about today might be very complicated and might be too advanced for you to fully grasp. If you have any questions about anything I talked about here or need further clarification make sure you comment below.

I answer!

13 thoughts on “How Can I Show My Ex That I’m Changing?”

  1. Patty

    September 16, 2018 at 2:44 am

    Hi Chris,

    My boyfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. I was totoally blindsighted. He says he loves me but not as much as he used to and that we have fundamental differences in values and he doesn’t want to marry me. I have been very defensive when this topics came up which makes him more convinced that we have different values and goals in life. During the break up I pleaded and begged but I then agreed to the break up and imitated NC.
    I have taken the time in the last two weeks to reflect and mapped out my core values and beginning to work on myself. I realised that it’s not our values that are different but our ways of communicating them. I also realised that i had been pressuring him about marriage, but I don’t actually care about that (I rather salvage my relationship)
    How can I show him and change his mind on these issues ? He is very stubborn and thinks this break up is the best for both of us

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 17, 2018 at 9:37 pm

      Hi Patty…so proud of you for focusing on your core values and being the best “you”. NC is a pathway. You can learn more about this process in my eBooks, posts, videos, podcasts.

  2. Marie

    September 15, 2018 at 1:09 pm

    I am in extended NC (60) days ending tomorrow after being kinda “rejected” for my ex, a year and a half after the break up. He was sending mixed singnals and one day kinda “rejected” me without having done or asking him anything. Since then, we didn’t text each other and I can’t initiate. I did NC another times and he always texted. Not this time. And I suspect he is now dating another girl which lives near to him (we live in opposite sides of the country). It would be a serious case of greener grass because he hates LDR so with her near, no problem. He forgot about me forever, it seems. I use very well my social media, keep working on become the supercharged UG but nothing. I don’t know what to do. I can’t move on, I love him and I just want a chace. Can you help me please? Tomorrow will be 2 months without talking but due the circumstances “the “rejection”, the possibility of him being with another girl…) I can’t initiate, it would be awful.

  3. Erica

    September 13, 2018 at 8:14 pm

    My ex and I dated for 7 months, and he recently broke up with me in a very hurtful way after getting upset at me for something trivial (said terrible things, said he didn’t want it anymore, was angry when I tried to reconcile, and avoided me / refused to talk until finally he walked away; all publicly… he broke up with me on a flight and left me at the airport). He seemed very upset, a lot of emotion and anger, but was completely cold to me. We tended to have bad arguments every few weeks because of my insecurity and his defensiveness. I felt like he didn’t understand what I was trying to communicate, he thought I blamed him for things that he hadn’t done wrong, but I was trying to communicate things that made me feel disregarded (like him leaving me at his friend’s party when it was the first time I’d met them). I know I was insecure and sometimes (admittedly) moody or passive-aggressive, and so I probably didn’t approach things in the right way. I feel awful and like I ruined my relationship due to my insecurities and inability to communicate. I did some immature things. The way we broke up was so bad I don’t know how to proceed. It feels like he’s over it because he has not reached out and even left our mutual chat group on whatsapp, it’s been 2-3 weeks. How do I go about it? Should I reach out and apologize or go no contact? Should I be the one to break the silence or will it show him I have no respect for myself due to the way he broke up with me? Some of his complaints in our relationship was that I didn’t respect him, “give” enough, worried too much, and didn’t initiate or clearly state what I wanted. Do I even stand a chance of getting him back or is it over?

  4. Liz

    September 11, 2018 at 11:42 am

    Hi Chris and EBR team! I know it’s a long shot but I really hope you reply and I’m sorry with how long this detailed explanation is going to be.

    So me and my boyfriend (early and mid 20’s) had been going out for just over two years. It was a long build up to us finally going out, around six months because he was really shy. It was both our first proper relationship but it was really loving and we had the odd occasion of an argument (not a lot though) and we would talk about it once we were both feeling better. He’d got into a few bad habits this year (not going into it but drugs and a bit of debt) and eventually told me at separate times. Although it was hard to hear at first and a bit of a shock I made sure I was being as supportive as I could be towards him. At the end of July he went to see someone for depression and got a prescription to help him, he also went to counselling sessions. I was so proud that he was doing this to help himself because I know a lot of people don’t think they need help or they don’t want it. I’d suffered from depression and anxiety a few years prior so I could empathise towards him, I think it’s fair to say that I even mollycoddled him because I didn’t want him to have to go through this alone.

    So the next few weeks were fine and normal. I went on holiday for a week with my family and he was meant to come up and join us halfway through. He said he felt ill so he didn’t come up in the end. I was upset but we were still texting so I thought it was all fine. I came back and we’d decided to meet up the following evening. The texts were still normal up to this point. I was at his house chilling with his parents before he came home. He looked upset and asked if we could talk. I was worried that he was going to say he was back on the drugs. We got in his car and that’s when he told me he was breaking up with me. My heart shattered. I was in utter shock. We tried to talk about it and I remember I kept saying this isn’t happening. He was saying to wasn’t me it was him and that I deserved better. He drove me home and we were both in floods of tears, he kept trying to comfort me but I couldn’t handle it. My friends told me to never speak to him again and leave it like that. The following morning he sent me a text saying that he would always be there for me if I ever needed to talk to him. I’d only had 2 hours sleep that night (understandably) so I had had a lot of time to think (I think that is when I found this amazing website!). I didn’t want to speak to him but by early evening I decided that I wanted at least some of the control in the breakup, since it was such a shock the night before, so I asked if we could meet up to talk and he agreed. We met and spoke for around an hour. I made some fair points (like how he was living with rose tinted glasses around his friends because he hadn’t told them anything) and he agreed I wouldn’t say I begged for him back, I did ask for us to try but it was in a classy manner. We both cried a tiny bit more and I left. He asked me to let him know that I got home okay. I rang him and told him, I said I wouldn’t talk to him for a while but if he needed me, I’d be there. He also said he would be doing the same. We both said I love you for the last time.

    So, the no contact rule started. We were meant to go to a couples thing the following day, one of his mates Gfs asked if I was going and of course I had to tell her what had happened. We met the following day. She’d said as soon as he got there he’d told the guys that he had broken up with me but was playing it off like it was one of those things. However when he spoke to her about it she could see how hurt he was by it and was asking about me. Everyone there was shocked. That evening I text his mum just to say that I was confused but I also didn’t want her to think I was abandoning her son. She rang me the following day saying she was shocked and had been crying the entire weekend.

    Anyway. I did 21 days of solid no contact. I knew he wasn’t going to text me because he can be quite stubborn (I hate labelling people). However I have a feeling it would have been hard on him too as he is very much a person of routine. I made sure I was posting on my insta and although he didn’t like my posts, he was watching my story and his name has always been at the top. I sent him a good first text about a game we used to play because I’d finally beat his score that he’d spent a long time trying to beat mine (He’s very competitive) and he replied almost straight away (I must add that he’s notoriously known for being a bad texter but he was always quite good with me). Two texts each, I then replied to him the following morning and he read the message and didn’t reply. We were supposed to be at a family event of his that night so I made sure I was busy and posted about it. The following day we were meant to be at a family event of mine so I added to my insta story. My BF isn’t one to post on social media a lot at all so when I saw he’d uploaded to his story 3 times and he changed his profile pic on fb (but not our relationship status) I thought it was a teeny tiny bit odd but at the same time tried not to think about it because I didn’t want to over analyse. Yesterday I sent him one of those cliffhanger texts which worked because he replied a bit later and we had a small convo. The story made him laugh and he went on to ask how I’d been. I told him about the upcoming interview and tests that I’ve got coming this week and he told me he was proud of me. I asked how he was and he told me and it was a good convo. I then ended it there as i had to get up early the following morning. It was light and a little flirty from both sides. He replied to my text and then sent another ‘goodnight bub xx’ That was one of his pet names for me so I was a tad like… huh? This morning when I woke up he had changed his dp from us to him so now I’m just a tad more confused. Im really trying not to look too far into it because at the end of the day it is just a picture and we’re not together at the moment.

    I’d like to add that although my boyfriend says none of it was my fault, reflecting on our relationship I can see that I had maybe become a tiny bit clingy to him (not overly) and I would sometimes get a bit jealous because I guess I was a bit insecure. I’d lost bit of my sparkle. Also I found it hard to open up to him, I’ve always been like this throughout life to anyone. I went counselling straight away after the breakup and I do feel like Ive achieve a lot and I do feel more confident (even though I do still have a cry about the break up). I just want to be able to show him that I have improved (though I guess by not gnatting him has helped).

    There’s no doubt that this boy loves me and I love that boy so much, for me there’s no point of getting to know someone new. I have a gut feeling that we will find a way back to each other and I think I’ve read almost every article on here. I guess I just want to know if I’m doing the right thing from an unbiased person or just need some encouragement because I don’t want to give up on us. It’s just really hard to believe when I have so many people giving me their own opinions on leaving, as if it was there own choice to make (I do however politely accept their opinion and just try to disregard after). Thank you for reading this essay lol.

  5. Aashu

    September 6, 2018 at 7:01 am

    He brokeup with me 1 month back..i started no contact but failed and contacted twice to convinced him to get back.we are in on and off relationship from last 4 yrs. last year he broke up and we got back after i used no contact for 1 month but dint follow post no contact rules and directly asked him to give this relationship a chance and he agreed. But thins dint go well and we broke up again and now he’s sure of the break up now as he says there are trust issues where in i dont trust him and we have compatible issues and thus fight almost everyday because of lack of trust and my overthinking problem. Hes adamant on not getting back and says we should leave things to time now and move ahead in life. My friends tried to talk to him to get back on which he said give her time she will move on and right now moving on is the best option. My bday happens to be on 14th sept. My frnds asked him to come to the bday party for which he said he can come only if i am not affected by his presence and not want me to get sad on my bday. Should I invite him? Is there any chance we can get back togher? Also he feels we alread gave our relationship a chance but same issues arrived and trust issues frm my end cant be worked out. Should i start the contact again and for how long? Should i start after my bday? I am on the 9th day of no contact which i stared again after breaking it twice last month. Please help..in a bad condition and looking forward for your reply.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 7, 2018 at 4:07 am

      Hi Aashu!

      Some guys can be adamant about not getting back, then flip. Best to stay with your plan of NC. You have my ebook…program right? Just follow that blueprint. Focus on your healing. You need to be self reliant and not feel so dependent on him to better your chances of recovery in all respects.

  6. Eboni

    September 6, 2018 at 3:13 am

    Hi Chris. I have so many conflicting emotions right now. My ex broke up with me yesterday saying that even though he loves and cares about me, our relationship can’t work the way it was because I have a lot of negative energy as he put it. I deal with insecurity issues, really bad anxiety, and a sprinkle of depression. And he says that he was distracting me from getting the help I need to better myself so he let me go but agreed to remain friends. After that talk, I blocked him on all social media accounts I have and I’m using this time to work on improving myself now by joining extracurricular activities and going to counseling. But I can’t help but feel scared. I took the available quiz here and it gave me a score of 70/100 so it kind of gave me hope that we have a second chance but what if he doesn’t want to…?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 6, 2018 at 4:16 am

      Hi Eboni….i understand. Breakups and conflicting emotions often go together. Its still very early and feelings are raw. Its best Eboni to have an reliable ex recovery plan. That is what my program is all about….helping people optimize their chances. So go to my home page and check out some of my resources to better your chances.

  7. Rachel

    September 4, 2018 at 9:18 pm

    Thank you chris. I’m going to continue with the 45 days no contact. After reading your book and a bunch of articles I believe that would be the best as there are a lot of hurt feelings. Do you think he is really over me? And what should I do if he does what he did in the past, coming over and knocking on my door at all hours. He is very persistent. I know I need to set clear boundaries but I’m not sure how to get through to him. Do you have an article on an ex who refuses to commit completely but is persistent when you are trying to succeed in no contact? And article on how to set clear boundaries?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 5, 2018 at 12:19 am

      Hi again Rachel!

      Yes…those hurt feelings can run deep. There are so many factors involved as to whether someone has given up on their lover. My gut tells me he is not over you given his past history. Many guys are this way….they want it all. They get fussy and walk away. Then they get jealous and want back in. Lots of reasons for this…to complicated to talk about here. But setting boundaries is a good thing so he doesn’t think he is entitled to whatever he wants. Successful relationships don’t work that way.

  8. Rachel

    September 4, 2018 at 8:48 pm

    My ex said he was choosing me just last week. He said he wanted to be with me forever. Well due to our past relationship and other ones, I have major trust issues and i know I need to heal myself before i can recommit to him. I love him and he said he loves me. He told me he that he was still talking to his ex (whom he left me for and ended things with her to come back to me) but it wasn’t what I was thinking. I ended things because I know I need time to heal myself and I am not in the best place to handle him talking to his ex he left me for. I started 45 days no contact last Wednesday morning. Well this past weekend I found out he took out an older woman. I’m 29. He is 37 and she is 42. He took her out on a date. She doesn’t look like anyone he would date. She is the complete opposite of me. Spent the whole weekend with her and even stayed the night and then told her I couldn’t move on from him or get that the relationship was over. She stated that I needed to move on because he has and he is happy with her and doesn’t want me anymore. I guess now he is saying I’m crazy and that they are both bad mouthing me(I heard all this from a mutual friend) He also blocked me on Facebook. I haven’t been messaging him and I didn’t even know about her until yesterday. Is he really over me when just last week he said he loved me and wanted to choose me? Also, I never stuck up for myself because i do not want to get involved in their relationship. I haven’t contacted any of them and He hasn’t contacted me which makes no contact easier on me. I’m not sure what to do. I bought your EBR pro 3 and a couple of other books which have helped me get him back in the past. Though I’ve never been able to successfully complete no contact due to him living down the street from me. So whenever I’ve tried no contact he has come over at all hours of the day and night just to see me. We have been on again and off again for 3 years now. I’m lost. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you. His name is Chris also.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 4, 2018 at 9:05 pm

      Hi Rachel!

      Probably best to utilize no contact if your prior tactics have failed to create a stable, committed relationship. You will need to nicely talk to him about boundaries and respecting you need to heal and focus on being a better version of yourself.

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