Your ex broke up with you and were thinking about trying the no contact rule, but they have already moved on to someone new.
You might ask yourself if there’s even a point in trying the no contact rule anymore.
Well, spoiler alert: The no contact rule CAN and does work when your ex is seeing someone else… but only if you do it right.
That’s right; there’s a lot more to the no contact rule than what you might think, so let’s first talk about what the no contact rule is.
What Is The No Contact Rule?
The no contact rule is basically the foundation upon which an entire strategy of getting an ex back (or even moving on from them) is built.
But what is this elusive no contact rule?
Well, simply put, the no contact rule is a period of time where you ignore your ex on purpose with the intent of making them miss you, while at the same time working on upgrading your life in all necessary areas.
How does this work when your ex has moved on?
Does it lose effectiveness in that particular case?
Well, I think to properly answer that question we need to talk about two things:
- The biggest misconception people have about the no contact rule
- What ACTUALLY works in the no contact rule when your ex has moved on to someone else.
Let’s start from the top.
What Is The Biggest Misconception People Have About The No Contact Rule
When the average person wants to learn about the no contact rule, they Google it and wind up on either my site or someone else’s website and learn about the note contact rule, but they fail to understand the true meaning behind it.
Remember the definition I just shared?
Well, people only read up to the “making your ex miss you” part, and they miss the memo about upgrading their life.
Yes, the no contact rule can make your ex miss you, but it doesn’t necessarily guarantee that they will miss you. Really the secret sauce of the no contact rule is what you’re using your time to do during the no contact rule.
When I interview real-life success stories of people who’ve used the no contact rule to get their exes back, the one big pattern I noticed is that they didn’t sit around, hoping the no contact rule was going to make their ex miss them.
Instead, they took ownership of their lives during the no contact rule and became refined versions of themselves that they could then wow their ex with when they actually started talking.
Sure, there’s been a few cases where the no contact rule was basically all it took for their ex to come begging back, but that’s not the case 90% of the time, so I wouldn’t bet on it.
Usually, people get their exes back because of the growth they experienced during the no contact rule.
Almost every success story I talk to shares the same experience about the no contact rule: feeling absolutely defeated and depressed for the first two weeks but then going on to realize that they are WAY better than this.
That Eureka moment is followed by those success stories giving more time to self-love so they can realize their true potential and basically stop caring about whether their ex comes back.
What ACTUALLY Works With The No Contact Rule If Your Ex Has Moved On?
According to our success stories, getting your ex back when they’ve moved on isn’t just a function of what you do with your time during the no contact rule, but actually the length of time you stay in the no contact rule.
At the start of my career, advising people whose exes had moved on was particularly hard for me, especially because, in my opinion, a breakup is essentially someone admitting that they think that they can do better than you and they’re going out to try to find that.
So, what do you do if your ex has found someone that they think is better than you?
How long are you supposed to stay in a no contact rule?
Well, early on, I believed that the shortest amount of time is probably ideal. My reasoning behind this was that if you can stand the no contact rule for 21 days, you can hop back into your ex’s life before him and the new person have too much time to form deep connections.
Well, this almost always led to disastrous results.
Instead of pushing your ex and their new girlfriend apart, your presence as an “outsider” can actually give them something to unite against.
Ever heard the phrase “don’t shoot the messenger?”
That applies perfectly here because human beings are inherently territorial, especially in the beginning of new relationships, so you, i.e., the messenger, inserting yourself into your ex’s relationship will NOT end well for you.
What do you do then?
Just let your ex fall in love with the new girl if you extend your no contact period?
Well, not exactly. I’ll tell you why a longer no contact rule might be the best thing for you in this situation.
The first time we stumbled across the solution for this was actually an accident. You see, we had a client who was basically going through a breakup, and her ex moved in with a new girl. Her ex already having moved in with someone else was a massive code red for us.
We decided to do a typical 30 day no contact rule. 30 days went by, and she told us that she wasn’t comfortable talking to him just yet. So we decided to extend the no contact period by another 30 days.
Eventually, she mustered up the courage to talk to her ex, and you know what he said?
That him and his new girlfriend are having issues, and everything is not what it seems.
By giving herself (and his new relationship) more time, she let her ex move past the honeymoon stage of his new relationship.
Now his “new” relationship isn’t so new anymore, reality is creeping in, and that makes his old relationship with you a comparatively good memory.
So a longer no contact rule is great for these situations, and the exact sweet spot is 45 days.
Basically a month and a half of no contact where you let your ex and the new person go through their honeymoon period. You are not going to insert yourself into the equation until that honeymoon period has kind of leveled out a little bit.
That brings up another question, though:
What Are You Supposed To Be Doing During An Extended No Contact Rule?
Don’t get impatient.
I know this seems obvious, but it has to be said because a lot of people find it extremely difficult to keep up with longer no contact periods.
The key, though, is putting your time and energy into something completely different.
True success comes when you actually find something that you care more about than your ex.
I recently did a YouTube video on my channel that I’m super proud of called “how to show your ex you don’t care.”
The gist of that video was that after interviewing multiple success stories, we noticed a common trend:
People who successfully got their exes back after no contact stopped caring about getting them back during the no contact rule.
In other words, people who found things that were more important to them than their ex were ultimately the most successful.
This is because otherwise, most people get tunnel vision after a breakup where they keep obsessing over their ex, especially if another woman is involved.
But what if I were to tell you that all that time spent comparing yourself to your ex’s new girl is wasted time and wasted effort on things you could be doing to achieve your magnum opus – your life’s great piece of work that you care about more than your ex.
So, here’s my challenge for you, or rather a question.
What is it that you care about more than your ex?
And here’s the little prerequisite it can’t be your children.
It has to be something that you create.
Something that you think of.
For some, it could be a novel; for others, it could be doing music or writing music.
It doesn’t really matter what it is as long as you’re proud of it, and it makes you stop thinking about your ex.
Honestly, I’ll never understand why people knock on me when I say that you should find something that matters to you more than your ex after a breakup even if you want them back.
In my mind, there’s nothing shameful in focusing on yourself, and yet people continue to knock it like it’s some cliché advice. Truthfully, there’s nothing more valuable you can do with your time than truly working on yourself or improving the areas of your life that you feel need to be improved.
Work On Improving Your Exes Negative Perception
When we’re with someone for a long time, we get comfortable in our assumptions about them and believe we know everything about them.
Your ex probably had some negative perceptions about you too, and those might have come to the forefront when you broke up.
For example, let’s say that you didn’t clean up after yourself when you were living with your ex.
Your ex is gonna think that you’re sloppy or you leave things lying around.
This is their perception of you.
Now, this happens in all sorts of little ways, but what I like for you to do is take out a piece of paper and make a list of every conceivable negative perception you can think of.
Think of these as your negative perception pillars – the negative qualities your ex thinks that you have.
Now these negative perception pillars inform your ex’s entire opinions of you.
In other words, he thinks that he knows everything there is to know about you.
The good and the bad. Sounds harsh and overly simplistic, right?
But it is what it is. However, you can challenge those notions.
Your goal is to create new depths to yourself, new layers for him to peel back.
Often times the most common negative perception pillar that your ex will have of you is that you’re too stable, that you’re boring, and you just want to sit home and do nothing.
Well, that’s an easy one to overcome. Just do something crazy and spontaneous like sky diving, so your ex is forced to do a double-take and rethink their wrong perceptions of you.
And oftentimes, the more you focus on doing this during the no contact rule, the more your ex will begin to pay attention to you.
But it’s really not your ex that you want to pay attention to you. It’s the other woman.
Why its actually important to make the other woman notice you
So, let me ask you a question – when you first started dating your ex-boyfriend, didn’t you at least get curious about what his exes looked like? Did you ask him questions about his past relationships?
I bet you even went on to Facebook or Instagram to compare how you were to her thinking, “What kind of women is he attracted to? Is she like me? Am I a carbon copy? Am I better than her?”
Well, guess what?
Your ex’s new girlfriend is doing the exact same thing as you. She is cyber-stalking you right now to compare herself to you.
So if you’re on social media constantly sharing depressing posts (or nothing at all), the new girl is going to think that she’s better than you. It’s your goal to turn that narrative on its head, by basically intimidating the new girl by being the most awesome version of yourself that you can be!
As an example, let’s say I had a massive crush on a girl and finally started to date her. We stumble into the usual exes talk, and she tells me she dated Brad Pitt. Wouldn’t that be a little bit intimidating?
I mean constantly you’re comparing yourself to this person who is a superstar, movie actor with good looks who is better looking than you and you’re feeling a little bit bad about yourself. Not because that person made you feel bad by talking to you, but you’re intimidated by their outward perception.
This is what you’re trying to do to the other woman.
You’re trying to become so awesome from afar that your ex not only regrets his decision to break up with you, but the new girl is thinking, “what’s wrong with him? Why did he leave that golden goddess of a woman?”
That is the key to making no contact work if your ex has moved on to someone else.
The no contact rule can definitely help you get your ex back if they’ve already moved on as long as you remember the following:
- Take your time in the no contact rule so your ex and the new girl can get over their honeymoon period
- Invest your time and energy in improving yourself and doing what makes YOU happy (instead of focusing on your ex)
- The goal is to make your ex’s new girl notice you and be intimidated