By Chris Seiter

Updated on June 10th, 2021

A question that I have been getting a lot lately is,

“Chris, what if my ex and I are talking a lot to each other before I start the no contact rule? Isn’t it just rude to cut him off suddenly? What if he gets angry?”

It’s really funny because it takes everything I have not to just scream out,

But I suppose that wouldn’t be very friendly of me. So instead, I figured I’d do a whole podcast episode explaining why it’s important to “JUST DO IT” when it comes to the no contact rule.

Today we are going to hear from a woman named Mallory.

Now, the thing that struck me about Mallory is the fact that she seems to be an amazing implementor. She came by Ex Boyfriend Recovery, read some of my stuff and immediately put it into practice.

However, now she can’t but wonder if it was a mistake to do the no contact rule after she was already on semi decent terms with her ex after the breakup.

Let’s discuss!

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Important Things Mentioned In This Episode

  • Subscribe or leave an honest rating or review of the podcast….. PLEASE!!!!!!
  • Mallory claims that he told her that she was the best girlfriend he ever had, did he mean it?
  • Breaking down Mallory’s, exes, response (probably misspelled all of this sentence but oh well.)
  • The actions versus words theory
  • The two essential things you absolutely need to win an ex back

Important Links Mentioned In This Episode

Interview Transcript

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66 thoughts on “What Do You Do If Your Ex Is Talking To You Before No Contact?”

  1. Lucy

    January 1, 2023 at 4:57 pm

    Hi, my boyfriend of 1.5 years broke up with me two weeks ago. He said he needed time to focus and work on himself. He said that he really hopes we will be able to try again some day, and that he wants to stay close and be there for each other. I was his first relationship. I am so heartbroken and I can’t imagine being a “friend” to him because I am IN LOVE with him. A week after the breakup, I told him that I needed to go no-contact for at least a month, and that we could eventually meet up and have a talk about where we stand.
    What do you think will happen? Do you think one month is enough? And what should I say to him when we meet up to talk?
    Thank you!

  2. Sandra

    March 1, 2022 at 8:43 pm

    Desperately need help! I said to my ex after catching him with another that I hate him! And worse I hope he burns in hell! Should I apologize? I’m on day 2 no contact and I just feel completely lost and numb

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 1, 2022 at 10:37 pm

      Hey Sandra, not it is an emotional reaction and he knows he has hurt you being with someone else. Complete your 45 days NC

  3. Vanessa Nash

    January 27, 2022 at 2:01 pm

    Hi, my ex ended the relationship on December 15th exactly. I asking for a second opportunity some days after cause I recognize what I did wrong but he says he is insecure about it, and that he needed time.

    That time is ending this weekend, and his birthday is on Monday. We planned something to see each other, and answer that question by my gut tells me that since nothing has change he will say no to me, and that he is actually already dating another person. He says he loves me and that he wants to be my friend, but that he falls out of love for me. My question is: should I go to his house this weekend or should I just start no contact right now without hesitation?

    Thank you for your kind support and what you do for all the people in the world who has lost the love of their lifes.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 29, 2022 at 10:12 pm

      Hi Vanessa, you need to start NC straight away!

  4. March

    September 30, 2021 at 4:53 pm

    He ended things with me by saying, I deserve better, hes not ready and not at my level, and its not fair to me. And that he would be ok with anything I decide. I said “I cant be your friend, its too hard. we need space, and even though i love hearing from him and seeing him, it hurts me too much and im sad that we couldnt work things out.” He texted back saying that “he didnt want me out of his life like that, but if thats what makes me happy then hes happy for me, and if i ever need anything to reach out. ” I didnt respond. That was 7 days ago with no contact. Did I ruin no contact and any chance of him reaching out again with what I said?? HELP. This is so hard.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 4, 2021 at 9:46 pm

      No you’ve done good to ignore the message as he is already feeling the loss of you from his life.

  5. Nicole

    July 30, 2021 at 2:27 pm

    My long distance boyfriend broke up with me. So after the break up, i was doing NC rule, then i broke it after the 1st day because he kept texting me and calling me. Then we texted with each other and flirted for couple of days as if nothing happened. Then i decided to start the NC again, because i don’t want to give him the emotional support and continue entertaining him whenever he wants access to me, while he can’t commit to me. So i told him lets not contact each other because i need time to move on. And that we could try being friends when im healed. He got really defensive and angry. He said he still have feelings for me and that we can be friends, and even have sexual relations without the relationship. After i refused, he just blocked me everywhere. So my question is, was i wrong for doing NC after being cool with him? What if our talking after the break up was leading back to the relationship and i ruined it?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 23, 2021 at 10:50 am

      Hi Nicole, so your ex was hoping for a friends with benefits situation so no you were not wrong, you make sure that you stick with a NC for 45 days solid without breaking regardless of what reaction he gives you. He does not get to dictate what your relationship or friendship is and when it is allowed.

  6. Beth

    October 18, 2020 at 2:54 pm

    Hello, my ex and I started dating again last year after a 3 year break. Initially, I didn’t have feelings but gradually became emotionally connected to him again. When he started being distant, less contact, always busy and not being able to see me regularly, I had a bad gut feeling and asked him if there was someone else. He flew off the handle and said we were better off as friends. That was a wek ago.. I am a wreck at the moment, D ont knowhiw to resolve it. I have apologised over the phone, he can’t see me face to face, and he is now on a dating site… I am trying not to call him but miss his contact, he has not blocked me and said that we can talk if he is not busy with anything else. Help.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 25, 2020 at 9:42 am

      Hi Beth, if he was not with anyone else it sounds as if you being insecure has made him not want to be in a relationship where he is being accused and he has done nothing wrong. Work on yourself during your No Contact so that you are more secure and confident when you start reaching out.

  7. Liyah

    May 23, 2020 at 3:36 pm

    My ex and I dated for 8 years we broke it off about 3 months ago. We are currently 25. There was no cheating or anything bad involved. He just said I had changed and that I was too nice to other people and always wanting to help someone else and be in their “business” when I should care about our relationship more. He also mentioned that I was clingy and too nice that’s why people walk over me and I make myself a victim. However During that month apart everything was good until I questioned him about a girl I knew liked him while we were together. It’s was his little sisters best friend. That was one month after we broke up cause I noticed that she had posted herself getting out of his car. I asked about it cause at the time we were still talking and texting everyday and he got mad because “technically we were both single and I had no right to question him about her or bring her up at all” I told him how it made me feel considering I knew she liked him and he flat out said he didn’t care that I was doing too much cause we are not together. The back and forth went on for a while to the point where he blocked me and said he was done because I was annoying him. He eventually unblocked me so I tried texting him here and there with no response and when he finally did he was furious. Saying who talks to their ex’s if I don’t text back why would you continue to text me. Now that it has been two months since all that went down I have tried to get on his good side and apologize but he ignores it. Even when I just try and talk to him, he ignores me cause he said he just doesn’t want to speak to me. However if I miss one of his texts or calls he tries multiple times then accuses me of messing with someone since I was too busy to answer him. I don’t get what I’m supposed to do. I talk to him I get no reply or short rude answers. He talks to me I answer right away or I miss it and he gets mad like I still owe him something I guess. I love him so much and he was my best friend but after the breakup it’s like he did a complete 180 and even said he doesn’t like me at all.

  8. Sarah

    February 1, 2020 at 1:36 am

    My ex and i broke up about two weeks ago and we’ve stayed friends , but I recently found out about the no contact and i decided to just stop replying, it has not been even a day and he keeps texting and calling me. Was I supposed to give him an explanation to why im not going to respond or was it okay to just stop texting and calling him out of no where?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 7, 2020 at 8:56 pm

      Hi Sarah no you do not give an explanation you just disappear. Keep ignoring him give him the break up that you had and time apart.

  9. Acy

    July 13, 2019 at 6:23 am

    My ex bf and I were in a LDR and have plans to see each other in August. He broke up with me a month ago because we were having a lot of fights at that time, but saying that he still wants to stay good friends and travel together in August, to which I agreed because I don’t want to cancel a huge trip. We have been keeping in contact all the time since then, talking about travel plans and everything else. He says “let’s just see what happens when we meet”. I was wondering what should I do? Will the NC work when I know I WILL SEE him for sure and we will travel together?

  10. Rishika

    June 12, 2019 at 6:56 am

    My ex and I have been together for 6 long years and we have been dating since high school. He is 21 and I am 23 and we are both in college. Our relationship has been long distance for the past 3 years but we had somehow managed to survive. 2 months back, he had broken up with me in the month of April following him becoming really distant (he usually becomes distant during the end of his semesters but reels back after I usually fight with him over becoming distant).

    I had found him texting another girl in a slightly inappropriate manner and I had called him out, following which he had told me there was nothing between them and that he can no longer be in a relationship since he wants to grow as an individual. I had asked him to come down to see me, but he seemed rather reluctant, so I had asked him not to come in that case. After a few days (about a week) of no contact, I had messaged him saying that I have learnt the concept of space and am willing to change if he gives this relationship a chance (he had previously told me he didn’t want a relationship and I had ended up begging him). He told me he would prefer to be single, and I just told him alright, to take care and then completely stopped speaking to him.

    After that, over the course of the next 2 weeks, I did whatever it took in an attempt to get over him. I truly believed that he had left me for the other girl (though that wasn’t the case as I found out later), and I had ended up flirting with a guy, sending a drunken nude to another and made out with another guy (one he knew from school and was sort of friends with back in 6th or 7th grade but kept in touch till 10th grade). I had posted a picture with this guy that had his neck with a hickey on it and my ex and a bunch of people from our school saw it and went and reported it back to him.

    My ex came back 5 days after seeing the post and saying that he never really meant to end things with me, but just needed some time off and he just got tired of explaining to me and my constant bickering over him giving me time. But he admitted that the whole scenario was completely his fault and that I am not to blame, but he still felt very hurt that I went with someone else so soon after the breakup and he felt really replaceable. I asked him if he wanted to get back, and he said he did, but he still wasn’t sure if he was ready for a relationship or not.

    We ended up talking about this (even ended up having sex), and sometimes we decided to go with the flow. But he felt guilty after being physical since he said we can’t be friends with benefits as that is disrespectful in this scenario and said that he really needed to be single for a long while (doesn’t know how long). I ended up begging and pleading again (and a major slip-up of threatening to cut my hand) and things went really south.

    The current situation is that he told me he would like to remain friends for now and see where it goes, and that whatever other feelings he has, he will smother them till he has done in life what he has to. He told me we must learn to not depend on each other and to be happy on our own, and only then can we be happy in a relationship. He told me doesn’t want to date anyone anymore, that he will come back and commit when the time is right and would want to marry me, but I shouldn’t wait around for him as that is unfair to ask. But that he still has feelings for me, but the timing just isn’t right. This uncertainty is killing me.

    As of now, I had sent him a text saying that I fully understand what he is trying to say and I agreed with the breakup and I wish him all the best in life. He said he is glad that I agree and that this is the best thing to do. I have contacted him little after that (mostly about his uncle who was to go through a heart surgery). And I asked him to meet up with me on Thursday once. I wanted to show him that I can be cool around him and not act desperate or needy or talk about the relationship (the last time he met me, I ended up trying to kiss him and he told me that he wanted to, but it wouldn’t be the right thing to do and resisted and things got slightly bad). He told me I don’t look at friendship the way he does and that whatever affection he would show me would be misconstrued.

    I’m utterly confused as to what to do in my situation currently. I’m stuck between staying platonic for now and seeing where things go or cut off contact completely. He will go back to his college at the end of July and I don’t know when I will see him again (though we planned to meet in August or so). I’m scared that if we remain friends, he will friend zone me but if I cut off contact, it won’t really do any good because he may or may not come back again like the last time but he still won’t be ready for a relationship and we still won’t be able to stay friends and if we just stop talking completely till he is ready, then we will just drift apart and he might move on for good. So, it seems really hopeless. What should I do? It really seems like he needs years to be ready to be in a relationship. (I am his first girlfriend and his first everything).

  11. Anna

    May 2, 2019 at 2:32 pm

    My ex and I were together 6 months. We broke up amicably because he is younger than me and thought he couldn’t give me what I needed. We fought a bit the first 2 weeks then apologized to each other and became friends with benefits. Texting everyday. He tells me I’m the best girlfriend he has ever had and loves me so much and misses me but not wanting to be in a relationship. Since we have been talking normally each day, do I announce no contact or just ghost him? I’m worried he will think I’m being mean. Because we have a good thing going but I want him back and love him dearly and thought the “friends with benefits” would lead us back into a relationship but worried he won’t look at being serious with me again because I’m giving him everything a girlfriend would. It’s been 3 days NC.

    1. Chris Seiter

      May 2, 2019 at 10:23 pm

      Hi Anna…I think NC was the right path to take for yourself and the potential of the relationship. He needs to come to better appreciate your value and what you bring to his life. Tap into my epic eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro”. if you have not already!

    2. Chris Seiter

      May 2, 2019 at 10:23 pm

      Hi Anna…I think NC was the right path to take for yourself and the potential of the relationship. He needs to come to better appreciate your value and what you bring to his life. Tap into my epic eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro”. if you have not already!

  12. anon

    August 8, 2018 at 6:41 am

    Hi Chris, my situation is quite similar to Kikas below except different lengths of time etc. my ex has been talking to me a lot and says still wants to be best friends and I am trying to do no contact but has messaged and called me a few times now with me not replying. Should I tell them I am doing no contact?? I would like to go further into detail about this but don’t want to post it as a comment as I want to keep it private – would it be possible to email the situation through to get more advice please? Really need the help! Thank you

  13. Kika

    August 5, 2018 at 3:18 pm

    Hi guys,
    So my ex broke up with me yesterday, we had had a massive argument about him speaking to another girl and things got really out of hand and I got really really angry and totally overreacted! I went away, while I was away he ignored me and it sent me crazy, I was on my way back to see him when I got hold of him and he said ‘I need time to think, I don’t think I want to be in such a controlling manipulative relationship’, this was really hard to hear. When I arrived he was off with me and said he didn’t want to talk about it just needed time to think, I obviously pushed it too far and said I needed an answer and he said he still loves me just not as much as he did and needs time to work on himself and do the things that make him happy because he feels like he’s just been focusing on our relationship and making me happy not on himself. At first I begged and cried but eventually I said I understood but he totally confused me cuddling and and holding me and kissing me like we were still together. We have lived together over summer, so the next day he put me on the train with some of my stuff. He was clearly upset about the break up and didn’t want to hurt me but said he knew this was for the best and he said he felt like he knew we would be together again. I didn’t know if he was just trying to keep me sweet. He cried and cried before I got on the train holding my hand, and said he would ring me and text me everyday, and wanted to be best friends. I got on the train and i got a text instantly saying ‘I miss you’ then a phone call with him in a state saying he missed me and couldn’t go to work in this state. After this I got back and feel totally alone, we were living together and had a life together I feel like I’ve lost everything. I came across this website and want to do the no contact, but I dont know whether or not to tell him first as he’s under the impression we’re going to stay in contact and text etc. He sent me two texts last night saying ‘hope you’re ok’ and then when I didn’t reply ‘sleep well then’ so I replied this morning saying I was fine and I hoped work was good. I really want him back but I’m nervous no contact will just give him more time to think about how angry he is with me and decide to not talk to me at all! Anyway I don’t know how to start no contact, I’m totally lost really!!
    Would really love some help and support.
    Thank you, Kika

    1. Chris Seiter

      August 5, 2018 at 6:17 pm

      Hi Kika!

      You message came over to me on my support email and offered you my thoughts!

  14. Melisa

    April 8, 2018 at 2:14 am

    Thank you but I have him on Instagram and Snapchat although I only text him on iMessage so should I block him on Snapchat and Instagram or at least make it to where he can’t see what I post and stuff or should I leave it ?

    1. Chris Seiter

      April 10, 2018 at 3:56 am

      Don’t block him anywhere. I say just leave it.

  15. Melisa

    April 7, 2018 at 10:26 pm

    Me and my boyfriend were together for a year and our relationship is long distance. He brokeup with me in the middle of February and since then we continue to talk normally , he says he is losing feelings slowly but that he still want to be with me kinda and he still loves me ..will the no contact rule help me get him back even tho he is slowly losing feelings ? And if so how do I tell him that I’m doing the no contact rule ? Do I say ” hey I need space to just think, I’ll talk to you whenever “

    1. Jennifer Seiter

      April 7, 2018 at 10:39 pm

      NO, please don’t tell him your doing the no contact rule. He wont worry about you and during the entire no contact you will wonder why he hasn’t thought about you or reached out. The effective way is to just ghost him basically. You will reappear and he will be more excited to hear from you this way because of curiosity and the mystery of no contact.

      I think your main issue is that your long distance. Do you have a plan to move closer when you get back together? Also have you read Chris’ guide on long distance relationships?

    2. Melisa

      April 8, 2018 at 2:06 am

      Oh okay , I text him on iMessage so should I block him on Snapchat and Instagram so that he doesn’t see menposting things or at least make it to where he can’t see ? And the long distance honestly is the main issue but yes I have , iv also thought of ways to improve our relationship as well but no I have looked at other guides tho and our mistake was talking all of the time

    3. Jennifer Seiter

      April 10, 2018 at 6:53 pm

      Great now that you know the mistakes you can fix them when you get back together. No don’t block him on any social media.

    4. Melisa

      April 8, 2018 at 1:54 am

      Oh okay , but yeah it is distance honestly but yes , I do have a plan and I’m also gonna try to improve our relationship when we get back together as well but no, although I’ve read other guides and the mistake we made was talking ALL the time and I feel like that’s why things are how they are along with other reasons

    5. Jennifer Seiter

      April 8, 2018 at 2:06 am

      Oh okay, sounds like your on the right track.

    6. Melisa

      April 8, 2018 at 2:12 am

      Thank you but I have him on Instagram and Snapchat although I only text him on iMessage so should I block him on Snapchat and Instagram or at least make it to where he can’t see what I post and stuff or should I leave it ?

    7. Jennifer Seiter

      April 10, 2018 at 6:52 pm

      Your welcome. No don’t block him on snapchat or instagram.

  16. Star

    March 23, 2018 at 7:41 pm

    Hi , I began my nc period about 5 days ago it’s a little hard because me and my ex have a son together but I’ve decided I’ll respond to anything regarding My son I.e pick up drop off times etc anything else gets ignored…
    Some insight on the situation…
    So 2 weeks after I gave birth to my son he decided to end our relationship his reasons were all based around the ‘it’s me not you’ and he said he wasn’t happy etc but honestly at no point during our relationship had this been expressed before he would ask to see me all the time be so loving and Affectionate etc… as you do when losing someone you love i begged and pledded to work things out he didn’t seem to want that but he wanted to be friends we stayed in contact everyday laughing joking etc he would check on me and in with me letting me know where he is what his been up too and when that wasn’t the convocation he would message me and use our son as convocation something he may have done that he found funny etc it’s got to a point where I feel I can’t do this talking everyday sitting in each others company thing it’s hurting me it was as though nothing had changed post breakup and my ex is completely cool with that… but for me it’s like he wants everything we had without the commitment and I’m devaluing myself setting for that.. he tells me he cares about me too his kissed me a couple times when saying bye I think he just thought he doesn’t know about us on a very long term scale because 1 we made it official once I was pregnant and he didn’t feel that big need to chase ever he said when breaking up with me he feels this has fell into our laps and we have just ran with it but he is so present with me don’t remember the last time I messaged him first and we broke up a month ago and spoke more or less everyday what he said and how he acts doesn’t add up but what do I do about it talking about it with him won’t work , but will the no contact I feel he may just get mad a be like forget her because his reaching out and I’m ignoring and not connect why I’m doing it with him breaking up with me we was talking fine making such a laugh and all of a sudden I’ve gone into no contact is it the right thing to do ? How should I act with him should I let him know I need space to heal to make him realise I’ve vanished because of his decision ? I worry staying in contact with him keeps him out of reach and the no contact may push him away ?

    Help me please :,(

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 28, 2018 at 6:40 pm

      Hi Star,

      Have you told him how he makes you feel by acting like everything is normal?

  17. Love Bug

    January 23, 2018 at 5:12 pm

    Hi, Amor

    What if my ex feels I may have found someone else because before we broke up there was an argument about me wanting to go to dinner with another guy which I completely made up to make him jealous but he didn’t believe that I made it up (he thinks I was actually going to go out on a date with the guy) and the last time we spoke (a week ago) when I broke up with him he insinuated that I was breaking up because I wanted to be with that guy (I also used an actual friend of mines name and this guy friend always comments on my pics so from his end it would seem I was really doing something with this guy). Even though I still want him to give me what I want (apologize) should I give subtle hints(maybe an abstract quote) on social media that I am still single and all I want is an apology to take him back or is the fact that I texted and called him a million times before starting nc enough. I really don’t want to call or text him because I’m embarrassed from him not answering so I’m going to hope he does.
    *1 week nc currently and active posting

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 24, 2018 at 5:08 pm

      Just avoid jealousy posts..yeah, avoid hints for now so that you don’t look like you’re chasing

  18. Love Bug

    January 20, 2018 at 1:10 pm

    Thanks so much for replying Amor, Do you think I should trying talking to him after a week or wait for him to say something?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 21, 2018 at 6:46 am

      Give him a week, if he doesn’t initiate, you can.. You’re welcome!

  19. Love Bug

    January 18, 2018 at 7:26 pm

    I tried to explain to him while we were arguing before the break up but he wasn’t trying to hear me out and you’re right I am frustrated. I even tried after I broke up with him but he wasn’t taking my calls or replying to texts obviously he is upset because I broke up with him. I haven’t contacted him since yesterday and neither has he. I think I’m just going to continue no contact and hope he eventually sees my side even though you said it’s not for that. I know if he doesn’t though I wouldn’t take him back and I would be really hurt.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 20, 2018 at 3:26 am

      He’s not listening coz you’re both angry.. Have space to cool down first and then talk again

  20. Love Bug

    January 16, 2018 at 5:18 pm

    Hi this is my second time about to do no contact, Me and my ex were together for over 2 years when he broke up with me we got back together after no contact and been together for a year since. Now I had to break up with him because I felt that something very important to me wasn’t being done and being trivialised. After I told him it was over I called and texted ALOT just to see if he would give in and just give me what was so important to me but he hasn’t answered the phone since he called and I told him it was over because he didn’t want to do that one simple thing I requested. This is going to be my second time doing no contact which I feel is necessary… how long do you think I should go? And if he were to call and gave me what I requested of him should I end the no contact?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 18, 2018 at 6:46 am

      Hi Love bug,

      the nc rule is not for making other people do what you want, but I get that your frustrated.. Have you communicated to him what you want, why you want it and your frustration with him about it?

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