Well, thank you so much for putting your question in and asking the question Mallory. I know it takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there like that.
If you’re listening to this and want to ask me a question or be featured on this podcast, we don’t require that you have a name.
In fact, I would actually prefer it if you made up some name. I’ve had some pretty interesting names over the years. All you have to do is go to our speak pipe page.
You’ll be able to send us a voice mail and hopefully I’ll pick your question if you’re good enough to answer int the podcast and answer it essentially.
So, I will actually in the show notes of this episode, if you want to just to exboyfriendrecovery.com and click on our podcast section you can find this episode and particularly the show notes of this episodes.
I’m going to put a link to our speak pipe page, for those of you who wants to ask me a question.
Ok, so let’s get down to mallory’s situation.
So, there’s a lot going on here.
Basically the person asking the question, her name is Mallory.
Say hi to Mallory everyone.
She’s 26 years old.
Still relatively kind of in the prime of her dating life essentially. She was in a long distance relationship with her ex. They broke up obviously and this is where it gets kinds of interesting.
He tells her that she was the best girlfriend that he’s ever had in his entire life but he’s depressed and needs time to become happy with himself before he can be the boyfriend she deserves which I’m sure I’m going to dive into that. So, you know, I’ll do my kind of manslator type thing where I translate what a man actually means when he says that but let’s continue.
So, after breaking up with her, he’s trying to keep his options open. He’s saying, you know I still see a future with you and his actions would seem to dictate that.
He’s been talking to her everyday for a week after the break up and then Mallory read or learned about the no contact rule and decided ok, I’m going to try this thing.
So she does the no contact rule, he goes berserk for 3 days eventually asking, “Hey are we ever going to talk again?”, then she broke the no contact rule not very–she didn’t last very long where she basically said she doesn’t want to talk anymore, that she needs a little bit more and she’s kind of keeping her options open and now she’s wondering because he hasn’t reached out at all in a week and a half I believe.
She’s wondering if it was inappropriate to use the no contact after he was already contacting her so well. She also noted that she made several self improvements along the way and it seems like she’s kind of moving in the right direction in that aspect.
Ok, wow so, there’s a lot to cover here. I have decided, I’m going to kind of tacke this in two different ways. First things first, I’m going to tackle this by looking specifically at what you’re ex said Mallory because I think there’s something interesting in telling there.
So, essentially what your ex said, he said, “You know, I broke up with you because I am depressed and I need time to become happy with myself.
So, I can be the boyfriend that you deserve.” Essentially it’s the, it’s not you, it’s me response. It’s just he prettied it up with all sorts of adjectives and interesting words like depressed and I need time to become happy with myself. So, I’m going to just tell you from my perspective as a man, I think it’s also interesting to know that he said, “Well, you’re the best girlfriend I ever had.”
But if that was actually true to him, he probably wouldn’t have broken up with you. So, let’s look at this statement. The I am depressed, I need time to become happy with myself blah, blah, blah and see if there’s any truth to it. In situations like this, what I often do is I try to advice women to look at the actions versus words theory.
So, the actions versus words theory is kind of a little brain game I like to play with exes, where we’re basically looking at their words and then seeing if their actions are backing it up. So, you can kind of get to the bottom on if he really means what he’s saying.
So, I don’t think we should look too much into the I’m depressed part. I think the part where you can really look into things is where he says that you were the best girlfriend that he ever had and that he needs time to become happy with himself before he can be the boyfriend you deserve and also the fact that he says, Oh I still see a future with you.
So, those are all words. No actions have been happening to back them up however, I will say it is really interesting to note that after the break up he was constantly texting you. So, I do think there is some validity into maybe the best girlfriend you ever had statement even though I am of the belief that if you were truly the best girlfriend he’s ever had, he would lock that shit down. Ok so, I think he has strong feelings for you.
He has deep feelings for you and it’s not easy to shake those feelings. So, I think he’s actions of simply talking to you that much after the break up, because often times with break ups, when I’m dealing with people, they’re going through a break ups, well, their ex boyfriend literally doesn’t want to talk to them or doesn’t want anything to do with them but that’s not the case with you Mallory.
The case with you is your ex is actually sticking in there and he’s talking to you. So, I think there is some truth behind his statement that you were the best girlfriend he ever had, at least he views you in this way and this can really, really help you especially if you’re going to kind of bank on the grass is greener syndrome.
Now, the grass is greener syndrome, if you don’t even know is basically when an ex leaves you. Let’s just start here by saying that, a lot of the things that you’re going to be trying to do going forward, the grass is greener syndrome is actually one of the top ways that you can convince an ex to get back to you because he’ll be breaking up with you thinking there’s something better out there but when push comes to shove, when he actually gets a dose of reality that maybe things weren’t easy as i thought, he’ll start to look at you in a more positive way.
Alright so, just to recap, I think there is some truth to his statement that basically he believes on some way shape or form that you are one of his top girlfriends and you can actually put this on your back pocket and use it to your advantage but let’s try to get to the underlying problem here.
You are smart in doing the no contact rule because really the big problem I’m seeing that you’re having Mallory is the fact that you gave in to his cries for help. I mean you reassured him when he was looking for it.
So, let’s break it down. Ultimately, it’s really interesting that I’m bringing this up but I’ve been having this hypothesis lately and so far it’s been kind of holding true. About specifically what to do when you want to get your ex back.
Ultimately, I found out that kind of really boils down to two things.
There’s a lot of the science behind why this things work but ultimately these are the two top things that you need to do to convince an ex to come back to you. So, the first thing that you need to do is make your ex absolutely miserable without you.
There is a person, a woman in our private support group who actually instituted this really interesting idea and she’s actually the one that made me start thinking about this.
She is a mom and she I think have like a 3 month old. She just had her baby and her boyfriend broke up with her which is the father of her children, both of her children.
Essentially now what she is, was a single mom and so she came to exboyfriend recovery. She paid the money to get into the private support group and we we’re helping her and my wife and I, we were sort of kind of bouncing ideas back and forth on what we can do to help her.
And ultimately one of the ideas we started bouncing back and forth on each other was Hey, you know. I know what it would be like if I had to watch a child alone. Just me personally. It would be one of the most difficult experiences of my life. It would make me probably miserable to have to do it alone.
So, we came with idea of, ok, here’s what you should do. Instead of like trying to cater to his emotions and trying to win him back, beg for him back, like so many other women do out there, why don’t you instead focus on making him miserable without you? And one way you can do this is actually to use the assets that you have.
Your biggest assets are the fact that you have this two children that he shares with you. So, he feels the strong bond to them. `Make sure you let him watch them alone so he gets a dose of reality without you.
And the woman in the group, she did this and she didn’t see results immediately. This things usually do take time but she added her own interesting twist to it.
She would actually let her ex watch their kids and then she would go out on a date with another guy. So, that actually brings me to the next thing that I think you need to do in order to win your ex back.
So, just to recap, the first thing is actually making your ex miserable without you. So, he feels, “Wow! I made a huge mistake breaking up with her.” or “Wow! I made a huge mistake letting her break up with me.”
The second thing you need to do is create a sense of urgency, often times, men even when they feel miserable without you will not act. We’re just lazy SOP. So, in order to get us to act, you need to create this intense sense of urgency where we’re thinking if we don’t act now, we are going to make one of the biggest mistakes of our lives.
And so, what the girl in our private support group decided to do was “Ok, I’ll make my ex miserable by actually making him watch the children alone without any help.
So, he actually gets a dose of what my reality is like.” But she went a step further and she said, “Ok, while he’s watching those kids, I’m going to create a sense of urgency by going on a date with another man.” So, he actually sees other men fawning over me and at the same he starts to become worried that he is going to be replaced by this other man and it worked like a charm.
He came back and they are actually back together. So, I used a lesson I learned from that situation and started applying it to other situations. Ok, let’s see–that is a very specific situation involving children.
You know, what to do if you have kids with your ex. Those kinds of situations require certain amount for those specific situations. This idea of making your ex miserable without you and creating this sense of urgency work in other situations.
We started applying it to more generalized situations and what we found is that it actually works. So, I know I kind of went way off into the weeds over here but let me kind of circle back out around to you Mallory.
Here is essentially what you did. You read about the no contact rule, and you did it on your ex which hey, all the power to you. I know it’s a tough thing to do but here’s where you went wrong.
You broke the no contact rule right as he were beginning to get miserable and by doing that, you did not create a sense of urgency because now, you’re just the person who folded under the no contact rule.
And here’s the interesting thing about the no contact rule, if you don’t already know I said it at the top of the show, at the top of the episode, the no contact rule is basically a period of time, generally I like to have three time period;: a 21 day no contact rule, where you’re ignoring your ex for 21 days, a 30 day no contact rule, again for 30 days and and 45 days rule.
We can get into kind of the benefits of each one of those in maybe in a later episode but essentially you’re ignoring your ex for this period of time and then after that you’re going to be contacting him but what a lot of people don’t know is that the no contact rule isn’t one of this things that you can consistently break and expected to work the same over and over and over again. People are not stupid, men are not as stupid as you think.
We eventually figure out what you’re doing and so each time that you break the no contact rule and you jump right back into it, it loses a little bit of it’s effectiveness. Not entirely but it does lose a little bit of it’s effectiveness.
So, here is where it all boils down to Mallory, by utilizing the no contact rule, you were actually accomplishing those two things. You’re making your ex miserable without you and you’re creating a sense of urgency that wow, I’m going to lose her forever if I don’t act.
In addition to that, if you really use it as a time for personal growth, you’re going to be in a better place than you were even when you were dating your ex which is kind of where you want to get back to.
Ok, so, let’s talk about how the no contact rule makes men miserable. So, by ignoring your ex, you’re making him miserable as evidenced by the fact you’re not talking to him anymore and he was starting to get miserable Mallory.
He was starting to get miserable, that’s why he’s reaching out to you and asking why aren’t you taking to me?
Reassure me. Tell me it’s ok. But you need to have a paradigm shift because the fact of the matter is, he broke up with you, and with break ups, you don’t owe him anything.
I realized women are going to be more motherly than men. Ok, men typically do have an easier time doing the no contact rule because what do women constantly want to do when their ex is becoming miserable, someone they love so much?
So much so, that they’re willing to go into the website exboyfriendrecovery.com, read about the strategy, do some strategy to get their ex back.
Most men won’t even do that. Women really, really love their exes. They want them back. They want things to work out and as a result they can’t bare to see their ex unhappy. They can’t bare to see him miserable but you need to make him miserable without you.
You don’t need to make him miserable in general. You need to make him miserable without you. That is the key component. He needs to think because his rule got rid of you, there’s this hole in it. There’s a hole in the middle of the world that he needs to fill.
So, by doing the no contact rule, you will make him miserable by not talking to him anymore, by removing his freedom to talk to you and Mallory, you were there. He was beginning to get miserable but then you broke it, and now he’s no longer miserable and now, you’re no longer committed to him.
Ok, so that’s kind of how the no contact rule works with making your ex miserable but let’s about the create a sense of urgency. This is where kind of where things get tricky.
By creating a sense of urgency,– by doing the no contact rule, you’re going to be creating a sense of urgency because when he gets in this miserable mindset, when he gets in this frail mind where he’s thinking, oh my god, I think I may have made a mistake. He’s going to think, how can I fix this mistake.
Well, obviously, I could try to recommit to her but sometimes men are afraid to overstep. They’re afraid of being hurt themselves. It’s really interesting, most women are only focused on themselves. “Oh my god, what if he rejects me? What if I try all this and it doesn’t work?”
But they don’t realize that often times the reason men don’t commit to them, the reason don’t want to progress thing further is they themselves are afraid of getting hurt. No one likes to be rejected but here’s the fact of the matter, getting an ex to commit to you, I’ve done plenty of podcast episodes on it.
I’ve done plenty of the science behind why people commit to people. The interdependence theory, I’ve done studies on my own independent reserach. I’ve done all of that.
You can find that on exboyfriendrecovery.com really easy but ultimately the one combining thread of all these things is people are more likely to commit if they feel this intense of urgency. And often times the best way to create a sense of urgency is actually to insert another man into the picture. A little competition doesn’t hurt but you need to really know if this is the right play with your ex.
Sometimes the no contact rule just by itself will create this sense of urgency. There’s this synergy between this two factors, him being miserable and the sense of urgency but sometimes men will become so miserable, they won’t act and that’s when you might need to create that sense of urgency.
That’s when you might need to go on that date. That’s when you might need to, even if it’s a friend, take a picture with a friend on Facebook. Use jealousy. Do this kind of things.
Create a sense of urgency so, he realizes that you’re a hot commodity. That there’s plenty of supply–plenty of demand and not enough supply. Totally said that wrong. There’s plenty of men wanting you but there’s only one of you to go around. Create this sense of urgency.
And Mallory, you were actually starting to make some progress but you’re really sweet. I can see it already. I can hear it in your voice. You can’t bare to see him unhappy without you.
You want this ungettable girl persona, so you broke the no contact rule.Even if it was just to say hey, like I don’t think we should talk anymore.
You did that so you can give him closure. So, he’s not in pain but you want him in pain.
That’s when people are going to act. When they feel an intense pain, when they feel an intense sense of urgency, they’re going to act and the no contact rule can accomplish that.
So, to answer your ultimate question, was it inappropriate to use no contact after he was already contact her, I say the opposite.
I think it is the most appropriate time because in that point when he’s becoming used to you contacting him and you removed that from him, you’re going to make him miserable and you’re going to create a sense of urgency, that commitment tend to follow.
That was a pretty interesting episode. We’re going to to do this again really, really soon but again I want to ask you for that quick favor.
If you haven’t already, take 5 minutes out of your day. It’s really, really easy to just go to our iTunes. Just to iTunes.com, type in exboyfriend recovery and leave us an honest rate and review and subscribe to this podcast. The more, the merrier.
Like I said, we need this subscribers, we need this ratings and reviews to survive.
To make sure that we’re getting new people into our little tribe here so to speak. So, if you haven’t already done that, I would just say, please 5 minutes out of your day.
Even if you hate my guts and don’t want to ever hear me talk again, let me know. So, yeah that was a really, really great episode. If you want kind of like a recap of you know, the making your ex miserable and creating a sense of urgency in Mallory’s situation, I recommend that you visit www.exboyfriendrecovery.com.
We got all sorts of really, really cool things on the website. Specifically, we got a quiz that will tell you your chances of getting your ex back but in addition to that, it’s not just a quiz that will tell your chances of getting your ex back. It’s a quiz that will allow me to understand your situation so I can actually get you a specific help for you specific situation. I don’t think there’s really many people doing something like that out there right now and it’s something that I’m really excited to do. So, if you just go to the quiz, you’ll see prompts..
I’m sorry, if you go to the website, you’ll see prompts for the quiz all throughout the website and just by taking this quiz, it’s going to give me information about your situation. So, I can correctly pair the advice that you need for your situation to you.
Anyways, that is pretty much going to do it for this episode of the exboyfriend recovery podcast. I had a blast recording this guys. Like I said, if you haven’t already, leave that rating and review on our iTunes page, subscribe to the podcast. If you want more specific advice tailored to your exact situation, go to the website, take our quiz, become a member and yeah, I think that will do it.
If you have any questions around like if you should do the no contact rule or how to create a better sense of urgency of how to make him a little bit more miserable without you, then I’d recommend that you go to our website and ask a question in the comments and either Amor, myself, my wife or Leia, kind of the core members of the exboyfriend recovery team will get back to you. Ok`, guys this was a blast, I’ll see you next time!