A question that I have been getting a lot lately is,

“Chris, what if my ex and I are talking a lot to each other before I start the no contact rule? Isn’t it just rude to cut him off suddenly? What if he gets angry?”

It’s really funny because it takes everything I have not to just scream out,

But I suppose that wouldn’t be very friendly of me. So instead, I figured I’d do a whole podcast episode explaining why it’s important to “JUST DO IT” when it comes to the no contact rule.

Today we are going to hear from a woman named Mallory.

Now, the thing that struck me about Mallory is the fact that she seems to be an amazing implementor. She came by Ex Boyfriend Recovery, read some of my stuff and immediately put it into practice.

However, now she can’t but wonder if it was a mistake to do the no contact rule after she was already on semi decent terms with her ex after the breakup.

Let’s discuss!

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Important Things Mentioned In This Episode

  • Subscribe or leave an honest rating or review of the podcast….. PLEASE!!!!!!
  • Mallory claims that he told her that she was the best girlfriend he ever had, did he mean it?
  • Breaking down Mallory’s, exes, response (probably misspelled all of this sentence but oh well.)
  • The actions versus words theory
  • The two essential things you absolutely need to win an ex back

Important Links Mentioned In This Episode

Interview Transcript

  • Hey!
    Welcome to another episode of the ex boyfriend recovery podcast whether I’m going to teach you either how to get your ex or how to get over your break up. So, today we got a pretty action packed episode planned for you today.
    Today, we’re going to be hearing from a woman named Malory, who has a question about the all elusive no contact rule but before we get to the meat of this episode I have a quick favor to ask of you.
    If you haven’t already done so, and you are enjoying the content that this podcast provides and it’s been helpful for you in your break up, please go to our iTunes page and subscribe and leave a rating and review.
    It literally takes 5 minutes and you don’t not know how much this would help us because in order for this podcast to keep surviving, unfortunately, I don’t understand why aren’t more podcast just don’t level with listeners and tell them kind of how the whole scenario works but essentially in order for a podcast to survive in needs subscribers and in addition to that it needs lots of ratings and reviews.
    So, here I am throwing myself at your feet, begging for you. Hey, please! If you just go to the iTunes page and leave an honest rating and review. Even if you don’t like what I have to say, go ahead and let me know. I will appreciate all kinds of feedback and addition to that, subscribe if you love watching or listening to this podcast.
    Ok, so enough of that. Let’s get to talking about the no contact rule. So, like I said we have a listener who’s called in and is asking a question about the no contact rule.
    Now, if you don’t know what the no contact rule is, it’s pretty simple. It’s a period of  time where you are essentially ignoring your ex on purpose. So, you’re going to do this really to accomplish two things.
    You’re going to do this 1), because you’re trying to make him or her miss you and number 2) it’s going to kind of service a reset button in your life because break ups are very, very difficult and if you can kind of reset your life and cultivate your personal life so you’re in a better place than you were when you were actually dating the person you’re trying to get back, it’s going to make everything have so much more power behind it but enough of me rambling on and going on my famous rants.
    Let’s just get right to the question from Mallory.
  • Hey Chris,
    My name is Mallory and I’m 26. My long distance ex of a year and a couple of months broke up with me about two weeks ago.
    He told me I was the best girlfriend he’s ever had but he’s depressed and he needs time to work on becoming happy with himself before he can be the boyfriend I deserve.
    The most confusing part is that he says he still sees a future with me.
    He was talking to me everyday for about a week after out break up and I decided to try the no contact method because I was afraid he was using me for emotional support.
    He continued to try to text me nice things for the first three days and if also if I didn’t want to talk anymore to which I replied, “I don’t think it’s a good idea for friends right now” and he said he understands if I need time but that he doesn’t want to burn the bridge with me and he still cares about me more than I know.
    I told him I need to keep my distance so I could move forward. That was about one week ago as of yesterday and I haven’t heard from him.
    Was it inappropriate to use the no contact method after he was contacting me? Also, I’ve made several self improvements.
    I went on a trip to Mexico, I’ve been doing yoga, running, eating healthy and making an effort to become friends with girls in my grad program and they’ve even tagged in some activities on Facebook.
    Please help me.
    I thought we had a healthy and happy relationship and I want to be with him even if it’s down the road.
  • Well, thank you so much for putting your question in and asking the question Mallory. I know it takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there like that.

    If you’re listening to this and want to ask me a question or be featured on this podcast, we don’t require that you have a name.

    In fact, I would actually prefer it if you made up some name. I’ve had some pretty interesting names over the years. All you have to do is go to our speak pipe page.

    You’ll be able to send us a voice mail and hopefully I’ll pick your question if you’re good enough to answer int the podcast and answer it essentially.

    So, I will actually in the show notes of this episode, if you want to just to exboyfriendrecovery.com and click on our podcast section you can find this episode and particularly the show notes of this episodes.

    I’m going to put a link to our speak pipe page, for those of you who wants to ask me a question.

    Ok, so let’s get down to mallory’s situation.

    Ok, wow!

    So, there’s a lot going on here.

    Basically the person asking the question, her name is Mallory.

    Say hi to Mallory everyone.

    She’s 26 years old.

    Still relatively kind of in the prime of her dating life essentially. She was in a long distance relationship with her ex. They broke up obviously and this is where it gets kinds of interesting.

    He tells her that she was the best girlfriend that he’s ever had in his entire life but he’s depressed and needs time to become happy with himself before he can be the boyfriend she deserves which I’m sure I’m going to dive into that. So, you know, I’ll do my kind of manslator type thing where I translate what a man actually means when he says that but let’s continue.

    So, after breaking up with her, he’s trying to keep his options open. He’s saying, you know I still see a future with you and his actions would seem to dictate that.

    He’s been talking to her everyday for a week after the break up and then Mallory read or learned about the no contact rule and decided ok, I’m going to try this thing.

    So she does the no contact rule, he goes berserk for 3 days eventually asking, “Hey are we ever going to talk again?”, then she broke the no contact rule not very–she didn’t last very long where she basically said she doesn’t want to talk anymore, that she needs a little bit more and she’s kind of keeping her options open and now she’s wondering because he hasn’t reached out at all in a week and a half I believe.

    She’s wondering if it was inappropriate to use the no contact after he was already contacting her so well. She also noted that she made several self improvements along the way and it seems like she’s kind of moving in the right direction in that aspect.

    Ok, wow so, there’s a lot to cover here. I have decided, I’m going to kind of tacke this in two different ways. First things first, I’m going to tackle this by looking specifically at what you’re ex said Mallory because I think there’s something interesting in telling there.

    So, essentially what your ex said, he said, “You know, I broke up with you because I am depressed and I need time to become happy with myself.

    So, I can be the boyfriend that you deserve.” Essentially it’s the, it’s not you, it’s me response. It’s just he prettied it up with all sorts of adjectives and interesting words like depressed and I need time to become happy with myself. So, I’m going to just tell you from my perspective as a man, I think it’s also interesting to know that he said, “Well, you’re the best girlfriend I ever had.”

    But if that was actually true to him, he probably wouldn’t have broken up with you. So, let’s look at this statement. The I am depressed, I need time to become happy with myself blah, blah, blah and see if there’s any truth to it. In situations like this, what I often do is I try to advice women to look at the actions versus words theory.

    So, the actions versus words theory is kind of a little brain game I like to play with exes, where we’re basically looking at their words and then seeing if their actions are backing it up. So, you can kind of get to the bottom on if he really means what he’s saying.

    So, I don’t think we should look too much into the I’m depressed part. I think the part where you can really look into things is where he says that you were the best girlfriend that he ever had and that he needs time to become happy with himself before he can be the boyfriend you deserve and also the fact that he says, Oh I still see a future with you.

    So, those are all words. No actions have been happening to back them up however, I will say it is really interesting to note that after the break up he was constantly texting you. So, I do think there is some validity into maybe the best girlfriend you ever had statement even though I am of the belief that if you were truly the best girlfriend he’s ever had, he would lock that shit down. Ok so, I think he has strong feelings for you.

    He has deep feelings for you and it’s not easy to shake those feelings. So, I think he’s actions of simply talking to you that much after the break up, because often times with break ups, when I’m dealing with people, they’re going through a break ups, well, their ex boyfriend literally doesn’t want to talk to them or doesn’t want anything to do with them but that’s not the case with you Mallory.

    The case with you is your ex is actually sticking in there and he’s talking to you. So, I think there is some truth behind his statement that you were the best girlfriend he ever had, at least he views you in this way and this can really, really help you especially if you’re going to kind of bank on the grass is greener syndrome.

    Now, the grass is greener syndrome, if you don’t even know is basically when an ex leaves you. Let’s just start here by saying that, a lot of the things that you’re going to be trying to do going forward, the grass is greener syndrome is actually one of the top ways that you can convince an ex to get back to you because he’ll be breaking up with you thinking there’s something better out there but when push comes to shove, when he actually gets a dose of reality that maybe things weren’t easy as i thought, he’ll start to look at you in a more positive way.

    Alright so, just to recap, I think there is some truth to his statement that basically he believes on some way shape or form that you are one of his top girlfriends and you can actually put this on your back pocket and use it to your advantage but let’s try to get to the underlying problem here.

    You are smart in doing the no contact rule because really the big problem I’m seeing that you’re having Mallory is the fact that you gave in to his cries for help. I mean you reassured him when he was looking for it.

    So, let’s break it down. Ultimately, it’s really interesting that I’m bringing this up but I’ve been having this hypothesis lately and so far it’s been kind of holding true. About specifically what to do  when you want to get your ex back.

    Ultimately, I found out that kind of really boils down to two things.

    There’s a lot of the science behind why this things work but ultimately these are the two top things that you need to do to convince an ex to come back to you. So, the first thing that you need to do is make your ex absolutely miserable without you.

    There is a person, a woman in our private support group who actually instituted this really interesting idea and she’s actually the one that made me start thinking about this.

    She is a mom and she I think have like a 3 month old. She just had her baby and her boyfriend broke up with her which is the father of her children, both of her children.

    Essentially now what she is, was a single mom and so she came to exboyfriend recovery. She paid the money to get into the private support group and we we’re helping her and my wife and I, we were sort of kind of bouncing ideas back and forth on what we can do to help her.

    And ultimately one of the ideas we started bouncing back and forth on each other was Hey, you know. I know what it would be like if I had to watch a child alone. Just me personally. It would be one of the most difficult experiences of my life. It would make me probably miserable to have to do it alone.

    So, we came with idea of, ok, here’s what you should do. Instead of like trying to cater to his emotions and trying to win him back, beg for him back, like so many other women do out there, why don’t you instead focus on making him miserable without you? And one way you can do this is actually to use the assets that you have.

    Your biggest assets are the fact that you have this two children that he shares with you. So, he feels the strong bond to them. `Make sure you let him watch them alone so he gets a dose of reality without you.

    And the woman in the group, she did this and she didn’t see results immediately. This things usually do take time but she added her own interesting twist to it.

    She would actually let her ex watch their kids and then she would go out on a date with another guy. So, that actually brings me to the next thing that I think you need to do in order to win your ex back.

    So, just to recap, the first thing is actually making your ex miserable without you. So, he feels, “Wow! I made a huge mistake breaking up with her.” or “Wow! I made a huge mistake letting her break up with me.”

    The second thing you need to do is create a sense of urgency, often times, men even when they feel miserable without you will not act. We’re just lazy SOP. So, in order to get us to act, you need to create this intense sense of urgency where we’re thinking if we don’t act now, we are going to make one of the biggest mistakes of our lives.

    And so, what the girl in our private support group decided to do was “Ok, I’ll make my ex miserable by actually making him watch the children alone without any help.

    So, he actually gets a dose of what my reality is like.” But she went a step further and she said, “Ok, while he’s watching those kids, I’m going to create a sense of urgency by going on a date with another man.” So, he actually sees other men fawning over me and at the same he starts to become worried that he is going to be replaced by this other man and it worked like a charm.

    He came back and they are actually back together. So, I used a lesson I learned from that situation and started applying it to other situations. Ok, let’s see–that is a very specific situation involving children.

    You know, what to do if you have kids with your ex. Those kinds of situations require certain amount for those specific situations. This idea of making your ex miserable without you and creating this sense of urgency work in other situations.

    We started applying it to more generalized situations and what we found is that it actually works. So, I know I kind of went way off into the weeds over here but let me kind of circle back out around to you Mallory.

    Here is essentially what you did. You read about the no contact rule, and you did it on your ex which hey, all the power to you. I know it’s a tough thing to do but here’s where you went wrong.

    You broke the no contact rule right as he were beginning to get miserable and by doing that, you did not create a sense of urgency because now, you’re just the person who folded under the no contact rule.

    And here’s the interesting thing about the no contact rule, if you don’t already know I said it at the top of the show, at the top of the episode, the no contact rule is basically a period of time, generally I like to have three time period;: a 21 day no contact rule, where you’re ignoring your ex for 21 days, a 30 day no contact rule, again for 30 days and and 45 days rule.

    We can get into kind of the benefits of each one of those in maybe in a later episode but essentially you’re ignoring your ex for this period of time and then after that you’re going to be contacting him but what a lot of people don’t know is that the no contact rule isn’t one of this things that you can consistently break and expected to work the same over and over and over again. People are not stupid, men are not as stupid as you think.

    We eventually figure out what you’re doing and so each time that you break the no contact rule and you jump right back into it, it loses a little bit of it’s effectiveness. Not entirely but it does lose a little bit of it’s effectiveness.

    So, here is where it all boils down to Mallory, by utilizing the no contact rule, you were actually accomplishing those two things. You’re making your ex miserable without you and you’re creating a sense of urgency that wow, I’m going to lose her forever if I don’t act.

    In addition to that, if you really use it as a time for personal growth, you’re going to be in a better place than you were even when you were dating your ex which is kind of where you want to get back to.

    Ok, so, let’s talk about how the no contact rule makes men miserable. So, by ignoring your ex, you’re making him miserable as evidenced by the fact you’re not talking to him anymore and he was starting to get miserable Mallory.

    He was starting to get miserable, that’s why he’s reaching out to you and asking why aren’t you taking to me?

    Reassure me. Tell me it’s ok. But you need to have a paradigm shift because the fact of the matter is, he broke up with you, and with break ups, you don’t owe him anything.

    I realized women are going to be more motherly than men. Ok, men typically do have an easier time doing the no contact rule because what do women constantly want to do when their ex is becoming miserable, someone they love so much?

    So much so, that they’re willing to go into the website exboyfriendrecovery.com, read about the strategy, do some strategy to get their ex back.

    Most men won’t even do that. Women really, really love their exes. They want them back. They want things to work out and as a result they can’t bare to see their ex unhappy. They can’t bare to see him miserable but you need to make him miserable without you.

    You don’t need to make him miserable in general. You need to make him miserable without you. That is the key component. He needs to think because his rule got rid of you, there’s this hole in it. There’s a hole in the middle of the world that he needs to fill.

    So, by doing the no contact rule, you will make him miserable by not talking to him anymore, by removing his freedom to talk to you and Mallory, you were there. He was beginning to get miserable but then you broke it, and now he’s no longer miserable and now, you’re no longer committed to him.

    Ok, so that’s kind of how the no contact rule works with making your ex miserable but let’s about the create a sense of urgency. This is where kind of where things get tricky.

    By creating a sense of urgency,– by doing the no contact rule, you’re going to be creating a sense of urgency because when he gets in this miserable mindset, when he gets in this frail mind where he’s thinking, oh my god, I think I may have made a mistake. He’s going to think, how can I fix this mistake.

    Well, obviously, I could try to recommit to her but sometimes men are afraid to overstep. They’re afraid of being hurt themselves. It’s really interesting, most women are only focused on themselves. “Oh my god, what if he rejects me? What if I try all this and it doesn’t work?”

    But they don’t realize that often times the reason men don’t commit to them, the reason don’t want to progress thing further is they themselves are afraid of getting hurt. No one likes to be rejected but here’s the fact of the matter, getting an ex to commit to you, I’ve done plenty of podcast episodes on it.

    I’ve done plenty of the science behind why people commit to people. The interdependence theory, I’ve done studies on my own independent reserach. I’ve done all of that.

    You can find that on exboyfriendrecovery.com really easy but ultimately the one combining thread of all these things is people are more likely to commit if they feel this intense of urgency. And often times the best way to create a sense of urgency is actually to insert another man into the picture. A little competition doesn’t hurt but you need to really know if this is the right play with your ex.

    Sometimes the no contact rule just by itself will create this sense of urgency. There’s this synergy between this two factors, him being miserable and the sense of urgency but sometimes men will become so miserable, they won’t act and that’s when you might need to create that sense of urgency.

    That’s when you might need to go on that date. That’s when you might need to, even if it’s a friend, take a picture with a friend on Facebook. Use jealousy. Do this kind of things.

    Create a sense of urgency so, he realizes that you’re a hot commodity. That there’s plenty of supply–plenty of demand and not enough supply. Totally said that wrong. There’s plenty of men wanting you but there’s only one of you to go around. Create this sense of urgency.

    And Mallory, you were actually starting to make some progress but you’re really sweet. I can see it already. I can hear it in your voice. You can’t bare to see him unhappy without you.

    You want this ungettable girl persona, so you broke the no contact rule.Even if it was just to say hey, like I don’t think we should talk anymore.

    You did that so you can give him closure. So, he’s not in pain but you want him in pain.

    That’s when people are going to act. When they feel an intense pain, when they feel an intense sense of urgency, they’re going to act and the no contact rule can accomplish that.

    So, to answer your ultimate question, was it inappropriate to use no contact after he was already contact her, I say the opposite.

    I think it is the most appropriate time because in that point when he’s becoming used to you contacting him and you removed that from him, you’re going to make him miserable and you’re going to create a sense of urgency, that commitment tend to follow.

    That was a pretty interesting episode. We’re going to to do this again really, really soon but again I want to ask you for that quick favor.

    If you haven’t already, take 5 minutes out of your day. It’s really, really easy to just go to our iTunes. Just to iTunes.com, type in exboyfriend recovery and leave us an honest rate and review and subscribe to this podcast. The more, the merrier.

    Like I said, we need this subscribers, we need this ratings and reviews to survive.

    To make sure that we’re getting new people into our little tribe here so to speak. So, if you haven’t already done that, I would just say, please 5 minutes out of your day.

    Even if you hate my guts and don’t want to ever hear me talk again, let me know. So, yeah that was a really, really great episode. If you want kind of like a recap of you know, the making your ex miserable and creating a sense of urgency in Mallory’s situation, I recommend that you visit www.exboyfriendrecovery.com.

    We got all sorts of really, really cool things on the website. Specifically, we got a quiz that will tell you your chances of getting your ex back but in addition to that, it’s not just a quiz that will tell your chances of getting your ex back. It’s a quiz that will allow me to understand your situation so I can actually get you a specific help for you specific situation. I don’t think there’s really many people doing something like that out there right now and it’s something that I’m really excited to do. So, if you just go to the quiz, you’ll see prompts..

    I’m sorry, if you go to the website, you’ll see prompts for the quiz all throughout the website and just by taking this quiz, it’s going to give me information about your situation. So, I can correctly pair the advice that you need for your situation to you.

    Anyways, that is pretty much going to do it for this episode of the exboyfriend recovery podcast. I had a blast recording this guys. Like I said, if you haven’t already, leave that rating and review on our iTunes page, subscribe to the podcast. If you want more specific advice tailored to your exact situation, go to the website, take our quiz, become a member and yeah, I think that will do it.

    If you have any questions around like if you should do the no contact rule or how to create a better sense of urgency of how to make him a little bit more miserable without you, then I’d recommend that you go to our website and ask a question in the comments and either Amor, myself, my wife or Leia, kind of the core members of the exboyfriend recovery team will get back to you. Ok`, guys this was a blast, I’ll see you next time!

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57 thoughts on “What Do You Do If Your Ex Is Talking To You Before No Contact?”

  1. Avatar


    October 18, 2020 at 2:54 pm

    Hello, my ex and I started dating again last year after a 3 year break. Initially, I didn’t have feelings but gradually became emotionally connected to him again. When he started being distant, less contact, always busy and not being able to see me regularly, I had a bad gut feeling and asked him if there was someone else. He flew off the handle and said we were better off as friends. That was a wek ago.. I am a wreck at the moment, D ont knowhiw to resolve it. I have apologised over the phone, he can’t see me face to face, and he is now on a dating site… I am trying not to call him but miss his contact, he has not blocked me and said that we can talk if he is not busy with anything else. Help.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 25, 2020 at 9:42 am

      Hi Beth, if he was not with anyone else it sounds as if you being insecure has made him not want to be in a relationship where he is being accused and he has done nothing wrong. Work on yourself during your No Contact so that you are more secure and confident when you start reaching out.

  2. Avatar


    May 23, 2020 at 3:36 pm

    My ex and I dated for 8 years we broke it off about 3 months ago. We are currently 25. There was no cheating or anything bad involved. He just said I had changed and that I was too nice to other people and always wanting to help someone else and be in their “business” when I should care about our relationship more. He also mentioned that I was clingy and too nice that’s why people walk over me and I make myself a victim. However During that month apart everything was good until I questioned him about a girl I knew liked him while we were together. It’s was his little sisters best friend. That was one month after we broke up cause I noticed that she had posted herself getting out of his car. I asked about it cause at the time we were still talking and texting everyday and he got mad because “technically we were both single and I had no right to question him about her or bring her up at all” I told him how it made me feel considering I knew she liked him and he flat out said he didn’t care that I was doing too much cause we are not together. The back and forth went on for a while to the point where he blocked me and said he was done because I was annoying him. He eventually unblocked me so I tried texting him here and there with no response and when he finally did he was furious. Saying who talks to their ex’s if I don’t text back why would you continue to text me. Now that it has been two months since all that went down I have tried to get on his good side and apologize but he ignores it. Even when I just try and talk to him, he ignores me cause he said he just doesn’t want to speak to me. However if I miss one of his texts or calls he tries multiple times then accuses me of messing with someone since I was too busy to answer him. I don’t get what I’m supposed to do. I talk to him I get no reply or short rude answers. He talks to me I answer right away or I miss it and he gets mad like I still owe him something I guess. I love him so much and he was my best friend but after the breakup it’s like he did a complete 180 and even said he doesn’t like me at all.

  3. Avatar


    February 1, 2020 at 1:36 am

    My ex and i broke up about two weeks ago and we’ve stayed friends , but I recently found out about the no contact and i decided to just stop replying, it has not been even a day and he keeps texting and calling me. Was I supposed to give him an explanation to why im not going to respond or was it okay to just stop texting and calling him out of no where?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 7, 2020 at 8:56 pm

      Hi Sarah no you do not give an explanation you just disappear. Keep ignoring him give him the break up that you had and time apart.

  4. Avatar


    July 13, 2019 at 6:23 am

    My ex bf and I were in a LDR and have plans to see each other in August. He broke up with me a month ago because we were having a lot of fights at that time, but saying that he still wants to stay good friends and travel together in August, to which I agreed because I don’t want to cancel a huge trip. We have been keeping in contact all the time since then, talking about travel plans and everything else. He says “let’s just see what happens when we meet”. I was wondering what should I do? Will the NC work when I know I WILL SEE him for sure and we will travel together?

  5. Avatar


    June 12, 2019 at 6:56 am

    My ex and I have been together for 6 long years and we have been dating since high school. He is 21 and I am 23 and we are both in college. Our relationship has been long distance for the past 3 years but we had somehow managed to survive. 2 months back, he had broken up with me in the month of April following him becoming really distant (he usually becomes distant during the end of his semesters but reels back after I usually fight with him over becoming distant).

    I had found him texting another girl in a slightly inappropriate manner and I had called him out, following which he had told me there was nothing between them and that he can no longer be in a relationship since he wants to grow as an individual. I had asked him to come down to see me, but he seemed rather reluctant, so I had asked him not to come in that case. After a few days (about a week) of no contact, I had messaged him saying that I have learnt the concept of space and am willing to change if he gives this relationship a chance (he had previously told me he didn’t want a relationship and I had ended up begging him). He told me he would prefer to be single, and I just told him alright, to take care and then completely stopped speaking to him.

    After that, over the course of the next 2 weeks, I did whatever it took in an attempt to get over him. I truly believed that he had left me for the other girl (though that wasn’t the case as I found out later), and I had ended up flirting with a guy, sending a drunken nude to another and made out with another guy (one he knew from school and was sort of friends with back in 6th or 7th grade but kept in touch till 10th grade). I had posted a picture with this guy that had his neck with a hickey on it and my ex and a bunch of people from our school saw it and went and reported it back to him.

    My ex came back 5 days after seeing the post and saying that he never really meant to end things with me, but just needed some time off and he just got tired of explaining to me and my constant bickering over him giving me time. But he admitted that the whole scenario was completely his fault and that I am not to blame, but he still felt very hurt that I went with someone else so soon after the breakup and he felt really replaceable. I asked him if he wanted to get back, and he said he did, but he still wasn’t sure if he was ready for a relationship or not.

    We ended up talking about this (even ended up having sex), and sometimes we decided to go with the flow. But he felt guilty after being physical since he said we can’t be friends with benefits as that is disrespectful in this scenario and said that he really needed to be single for a long while (doesn’t know how long). I ended up begging and pleading again (and a major slip-up of threatening to cut my hand) and things went really south.

    The current situation is that he told me he would like to remain friends for now and see where it goes, and that whatever other feelings he has, he will smother them till he has done in life what he has to. He told me we must learn to not depend on each other and to be happy on our own, and only then can we be happy in a relationship. He told me doesn’t want to date anyone anymore, that he will come back and commit when the time is right and would want to marry me, but I shouldn’t wait around for him as that is unfair to ask. But that he still has feelings for me, but the timing just isn’t right. This uncertainty is killing me.

    As of now, I had sent him a text saying that I fully understand what he is trying to say and I agreed with the breakup and I wish him all the best in life. He said he is glad that I agree and that this is the best thing to do. I have contacted him little after that (mostly about his uncle who was to go through a heart surgery). And I asked him to meet up with me on Thursday once. I wanted to show him that I can be cool around him and not act desperate or needy or talk about the relationship (the last time he met me, I ended up trying to kiss him and he told me that he wanted to, but it wouldn’t be the right thing to do and resisted and things got slightly bad). He told me I don’t look at friendship the way he does and that whatever affection he would show me would be misconstrued.

    I’m utterly confused as to what to do in my situation currently. I’m stuck between staying platonic for now and seeing where things go or cut off contact completely. He will go back to his college at the end of July and I don’t know when I will see him again (though we planned to meet in August or so). I’m scared that if we remain friends, he will friend zone me but if I cut off contact, it won’t really do any good because he may or may not come back again like the last time but he still won’t be ready for a relationship and we still won’t be able to stay friends and if we just stop talking completely till he is ready, then we will just drift apart and he might move on for good. So, it seems really hopeless. What should I do? It really seems like he needs years to be ready to be in a relationship. (I am his first girlfriend and his first everything).

  6. Avatar


    May 2, 2019 at 2:32 pm

    My ex and I were together 6 months. We broke up amicably because he is younger than me and thought he couldn’t give me what I needed. We fought a bit the first 2 weeks then apologized to each other and became friends with benefits. Texting everyday. He tells me I’m the best girlfriend he has ever had and loves me so much and misses me but not wanting to be in a relationship. Since we have been talking normally each day, do I announce no contact or just ghost him? I’m worried he will think I’m being mean. Because we have a good thing going but I want him back and love him dearly and thought the “friends with benefits” would lead us back into a relationship but worried he won’t look at being serious with me again because I’m giving him everything a girlfriend would. It’s been 3 days NC.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 2, 2019 at 10:23 pm

      Hi Anna…I think NC was the right path to take for yourself and the potential of the relationship. He needs to come to better appreciate your value and what you bring to his life. Tap into my epic eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro”. if you have not already!

    2. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 2, 2019 at 10:23 pm

      Hi Anna…I think NC was the right path to take for yourself and the potential of the relationship. He needs to come to better appreciate your value and what you bring to his life. Tap into my epic eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro”. if you have not already!

  7. Avatar


    August 8, 2018 at 6:41 am

    Hi Chris, my situation is quite similar to Kikas below except different lengths of time etc. my ex has been talking to me a lot and says still wants to be best friends and I am trying to do no contact but has messaged and called me a few times now with me not replying. Should I tell them I am doing no contact?? I would like to go further into detail about this but don’t want to post it as a comment as I want to keep it private – would it be possible to email the situation through to get more advice please? Really need the help! Thank you

  8. Avatar


    August 5, 2018 at 3:18 pm

    Hi guys,
    So my ex broke up with me yesterday, we had had a massive argument about him speaking to another girl and things got really out of hand and I got really really angry and totally overreacted! I went away, while I was away he ignored me and it sent me crazy, I was on my way back to see him when I got hold of him and he said ‘I need time to think, I don’t think I want to be in such a controlling manipulative relationship’, this was really hard to hear. When I arrived he was off with me and said he didn’t want to talk about it just needed time to think, I obviously pushed it too far and said I needed an answer and he said he still loves me just not as much as he did and needs time to work on himself and do the things that make him happy because he feels like he’s just been focusing on our relationship and making me happy not on himself. At first I begged and cried but eventually I said I understood but he totally confused me cuddling and and holding me and kissing me like we were still together. We have lived together over summer, so the next day he put me on the train with some of my stuff. He was clearly upset about the break up and didn’t want to hurt me but said he knew this was for the best and he said he felt like he knew we would be together again. I didn’t know if he was just trying to keep me sweet. He cried and cried before I got on the train holding my hand, and said he would ring me and text me everyday, and wanted to be best friends. I got on the train and i got a text instantly saying ‘I miss you’ then a phone call with him in a state saying he missed me and couldn’t go to work in this state. After this I got back and feel totally alone, we were living together and had a life together I feel like I’ve lost everything. I came across this website and want to do the no contact, but I dont know whether or not to tell him first as he’s under the impression we’re going to stay in contact and text etc. He sent me two texts last night saying ‘hope you’re ok’ and then when I didn’t reply ‘sleep well then’ so I replied this morning saying I was fine and I hoped work was good. I really want him back but I’m nervous no contact will just give him more time to think about how angry he is with me and decide to not talk to me at all! Anyway I don’t know how to start no contact, I’m totally lost really!!
    Would really love some help and support.
    Thank you, Kika

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 5, 2018 at 6:17 pm

      Hi Kika!

      You message came over to me on my support email and offered you my thoughts!

  9. Avatar


    April 8, 2018 at 2:14 am

    Thank you but I have him on Instagram and Snapchat although I only text him on iMessage so should I block him on Snapchat and Instagram or at least make it to where he can’t see what I post and stuff or should I leave it ?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 10, 2018 at 3:56 am

      Don’t block him anywhere. I say just leave it.

  10. Avatar


    April 7, 2018 at 10:26 pm

    Me and my boyfriend were together for a year and our relationship is long distance. He brokeup with me in the middle of February and since then we continue to talk normally , he says he is losing feelings slowly but that he still want to be with me kinda and he still loves me ..will the no contact rule help me get him back even tho he is slowly losing feelings ? And if so how do I tell him that I’m doing the no contact rule ? Do I say ” hey I need space to just think, I’ll talk to you whenever “

    1. Jennifer Seiter

      Jennifer Seiter

      April 7, 2018 at 10:39 pm

      NO, please don’t tell him your doing the no contact rule. He wont worry about you and during the entire no contact you will wonder why he hasn’t thought about you or reached out. The effective way is to just ghost him basically. You will reappear and he will be more excited to hear from you this way because of curiosity and the mystery of no contact.

      I think your main issue is that your long distance. Do you have a plan to move closer when you get back together? Also have you read Chris’ guide on long distance relationships? https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/the-complete-guide-to-getting-an-ex-boyfriend-back-in-a-long-distance-relationship/

    2. Avatar


      April 8, 2018 at 2:06 am

      Oh okay , I text him on iMessage so should I block him on Snapchat and Instagram so that he doesn’t see menposting things or at least make it to where he can’t see ? And the long distance honestly is the main issue but yes I have , iv also thought of ways to improve our relationship as well but no I have looked at other guides tho and our mistake was talking all of the time

    3. Jennifer Seiter

      Jennifer Seiter

      April 10, 2018 at 6:53 pm

      Great now that you know the mistakes you can fix them when you get back together. No don’t block him on any social media.

    4. Avatar


      April 8, 2018 at 1:54 am

      Oh okay , but yeah it is distance honestly but yes , I do have a plan and I’m also gonna try to improve our relationship when we get back together as well but no, although I’ve read other guides and the mistake we made was talking ALL the time and I feel like that’s why things are how they are along with other reasons

    5. Jennifer Seiter

      Jennifer Seiter

      April 8, 2018 at 2:06 am

      Oh okay, sounds like your on the right track.

    6. Avatar


      April 8, 2018 at 2:12 am

      Thank you but I have him on Instagram and Snapchat although I only text him on iMessage so should I block him on Snapchat and Instagram or at least make it to where he can’t see what I post and stuff or should I leave it ?

    7. Jennifer Seiter

      Jennifer Seiter

      April 10, 2018 at 6:52 pm

      Your welcome. No don’t block him on snapchat or instagram.

  11. Avatar


    March 23, 2018 at 7:41 pm

    Hi , I began my nc period about 5 days ago it’s a little hard because me and my ex have a son together but I’ve decided I’ll respond to anything regarding My son I.e pick up drop off times etc anything else gets ignored…
    Some insight on the situation…
    So 2 weeks after I gave birth to my son he decided to end our relationship his reasons were all based around the ‘it’s me not you’ and he said he wasn’t happy etc but honestly at no point during our relationship had this been expressed before he would ask to see me all the time be so loving and Affectionate etc… as you do when losing someone you love i begged and pledded to work things out he didn’t seem to want that but he wanted to be friends we stayed in contact everyday laughing joking etc he would check on me and in with me letting me know where he is what his been up too and when that wasn’t the convocation he would message me and use our son as convocation something he may have done that he found funny etc it’s got to a point where I feel I can’t do this talking everyday sitting in each others company thing it’s hurting me it was as though nothing had changed post breakup and my ex is completely cool with that… but for me it’s like he wants everything we had without the commitment and I’m devaluing myself setting for that.. he tells me he cares about me too his kissed me a couple times when saying bye I think he just thought he doesn’t know about us on a very long term scale because 1 we made it official once I was pregnant and he didn’t feel that big need to chase ever he said when breaking up with me he feels this has fell into our laps and we have just ran with it but he is so present with me don’t remember the last time I messaged him first and we broke up a month ago and spoke more or less everyday what he said and how he acts doesn’t add up but what do I do about it talking about it with him won’t work , but will the no contact I feel he may just get mad a be like forget her because his reaching out and I’m ignoring and not connect why I’m doing it with him breaking up with me we was talking fine making such a laugh and all of a sudden I’ve gone into no contact is it the right thing to do ? How should I act with him should I let him know I need space to heal to make him realise I’ve vanished because of his decision ? I worry staying in contact with him keeps him out of reach and the no contact may push him away ?

    Help me please :,(

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 28, 2018 at 6:40 pm

      Hi Star,

      Have you told him how he makes you feel by acting like everything is normal?

  12. Avatar

    Love Bug

    January 23, 2018 at 5:12 pm

    Hi, Amor

    What if my ex feels I may have found someone else because before we broke up there was an argument about me wanting to go to dinner with another guy which I completely made up to make him jealous but he didn’t believe that I made it up (he thinks I was actually going to go out on a date with the guy) and the last time we spoke (a week ago) when I broke up with him he insinuated that I was breaking up because I wanted to be with that guy (I also used an actual friend of mines name and this guy friend always comments on my pics so from his end it would seem I was really doing something with this guy). Even though I still want him to give me what I want (apologize) should I give subtle hints(maybe an abstract quote) on social media that I am still single and all I want is an apology to take him back or is the fact that I texted and called him a million times before starting nc enough. I really don’t want to call or text him because I’m embarrassed from him not answering so I’m going to hope he does.
    *1 week nc currently and active posting

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 24, 2018 at 5:08 pm

      Just avoid jealousy posts..yeah, avoid hints for now so that you don’t look like you’re chasing

  13. Avatar

    Love Bug

    January 20, 2018 at 1:10 pm

    Thanks so much for replying Amor, Do you think I should trying talking to him after a week or wait for him to say something?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 21, 2018 at 6:46 am

      Give him a week, if he doesn’t initiate, you can.. You’re welcome!

  14. Avatar

    Love Bug

    January 18, 2018 at 7:26 pm

    I tried to explain to him while we were arguing before the break up but he wasn’t trying to hear me out and you’re right I am frustrated. I even tried after I broke up with him but he wasn’t taking my calls or replying to texts obviously he is upset because I broke up with him. I haven’t contacted him since yesterday and neither has he. I think I’m just going to continue no contact and hope he eventually sees my side even though you said it’s not for that. I know if he doesn’t though I wouldn’t take him back and I would be really hurt.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 20, 2018 at 3:26 am

      He’s not listening coz you’re both angry.. Have space to cool down first and then talk again

  15. Avatar

    Love Bug

    January 16, 2018 at 5:18 pm

    Hi this is my second time about to do no contact, Me and my ex were together for over 2 years when he broke up with me we got back together after no contact and been together for a year since. Now I had to break up with him because I felt that something very important to me wasn’t being done and being trivialised. After I told him it was over I called and texted ALOT just to see if he would give in and just give me what was so important to me but he hasn’t answered the phone since he called and I told him it was over because he didn’t want to do that one simple thing I requested. This is going to be my second time doing no contact which I feel is necessary… how long do you think I should go? And if he were to call and gave me what I requested of him should I end the no contact?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 18, 2018 at 6:46 am

      Hi Love bug,

      the nc rule is not for making other people do what you want, but I get that your frustrated.. Have you communicated to him what you want, why you want it and your frustration with him about it?

  16. Avatar


    January 15, 2018 at 9:33 pm

    Hey Amor,

    Thanks for your reply.
    I’m working on myself, start taking courses, found a new hobby, changed my hair.
    So… should I break no contact again and initiate it differently?
    I’m freaking out, and I’m afraid I’ve lost him forever now because I lessened my chances by saying I wouldn’t respond for a while if he would reach out to me.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 18, 2018 at 5:58 am

      how many nc have you done?

  17. Avatar


    January 15, 2018 at 9:02 am

    Okay so my boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks back and I agreed to be normal friends but then last week we had a fight ( it was his fault) after which I decided to do NC. And he kept calling and texting and I didn’t reply to any. Also he’s been texting me that he wants to give me a gift and if I don’t meet he’ll just give it to my friend to give it to me. Also during the NC I’ve evolved a lot. Like I’ve got a makeover and I’m very much stable rn and I’m a happy girl. Also his birthday is in 10 days. Should I start talking in a few days or continue the nc for longer ? Also it’ll be tough to ignore him for long as we are in the same friends group and there a concert coming next month that we all are going together. I really love and want him back but I’ve learnt to be happy and enjoy my life during this nc period. Basically I’ve changed for good. Also we broke up cuz I realised that I was tooo needy. Constantly wanted to talk and meet and stuff. Please tell me what to do

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 15, 2018 at 7:48 pm

      That’s good that you’re actively improving yourself. You can do 21 days.. if he literally says he wants to get back together, you can break it.

  18. Avatar


    January 13, 2018 at 11:20 pm

    My ex and I were still contacting each other every day. He told me he still loves me but is afraid it won’t work out again if we tried and end up hurting ourselves and our families. He doesnt know when he’s ready to try again. After a few months of daily contact i’ve had enough, it hurt me. So we talked on the phone the other night (like we did most of the times) and I told him I was done. He couldnt give me any answers and didnt even wanted to try. I told him that for me this meant ‘no’ too, and that Im Okay with that. Im okay because I didnt give up and tried anything to make it work. Then I told him I would go my own way and didnt want contact anymore. Also that I wouldnt respond If he’d reach out to me. He said he was sorry and that he would never forget me, And respected my choice.

    A few days later he asked If he could buy the tickets for the trip we booked together a few months ago (we both paid half of the price), If I wasnt going to use them myself anymore. I didnt reply yet. The next day he asked If I was going to answer him. I told him briefly that I wanted to use the ticket myself and that I would transfer his money by the end of the month. Nothing more Nothing less. I thought he had the right to get his part of the money And therefore answered. He told me that I was right using the ticket myself and that I should enjoy and have fun and that there was no need for me to transfer the money. I didnt answer.

    Did I mess up the no contact initiation? And did I break no contact by answering? Because I didnt hear from him for a week now after his last text.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 15, 2018 at 12:16 pm

      HI E,

      you didn’t break it when you answered him because it was only about the tickets but what lessened your chances is telling him at the start that you’re not going to answer him… but right now, just focus in improving yourself and being active in posting.

  19. Avatar


    November 23, 2017 at 8:45 pm

    I am in nearly the same situation:

    Was in NC after LDR break up, we broke the NC after only 4 days, since then we have amazing talks, even talk about future, but he still won’t commit (since he doesn’t feel it and wants to find a job first, and I am not easy to handle- then the it’s me not you game too).

    Now he even blew kisses to me. We agreed to not talk for the weekend now, to take it slow, but to go back into no Contact, should I announce it?

    He also is someone with big trauma from childhood, that’s why if he is miserable, he doesn’t move because he is too afraid to get hurt (he told me some days ago with tears in his eyes, that he cannot trust anyone and is afraid to open up, because it hurts. Our split up hurt him and repeating again would hurt more.)

    So what can I do, does this apply also?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 24, 2017 at 11:26 am

      You have to tell him being friends is not workable for you right now and then thank him for everything and then start 30 days nc..dont tell him you’re doing nc..

  20. Avatar


    November 9, 2017 at 5:06 am

    Yeah I’m working to improve myself, but probably there’s some other girl, maybe for a rebound relationship, i feel so because i just noticed he has deleted the posts from his Facebook timeline which I’ve tagged im into, romantic posts. Now im wondering is it because he’s angry on me or maybe he don’t want someone new to see it & also he hid his friend’s list on Facebook so that no one can see it (he updated the privacy). Is he behind someone else as he’s using WhatsApp a lot too?
    I tired the NC rule before but ended up breaking it as he said he wants to get back to me, we got together on 18th day of NC. But after few days, things were same n we argued over something n broke up. Both were angry at that time.
    I’m doing Nc for 30 days this time. Please help me, is there any chance he’s trying to be in a new relationship, probably rebound?
    PS: I’ve read ur article about rebound relationship already.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 12, 2017 at 8:31 pm

      if he’s trying to do that, then so be it.. what matter is what you can control.. if he sees your posts, or you in person or talks to you in text or in person, would he regret not being with you again because you look and sound great?

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