It’s been a while since I’ve written about the no contact rule so I figured now was a good time for me to update you on my philosophy regarding it. You see, one of my greatest fears for this website is that it gets out of date.

I don’t want this to be one of those websites that is a flash in the pan. You know, the kind of website that has really good content for a few years and then all of a sudden just falls off the map. Nope, I want this website to always stay up to date and in tune with it’s audience.

As a result, I am always updating my philosophy on things.

You can see that I have done that here and here.

If there is one constant in this life it’s change and this website is no different. So, as my thoughts on things change. Ex Boyfriend Recovery will change as well to reflect them.

Why is this so important?

Well, I already explained that it keeps the website up to date but as time moves on and I formulate more and more game plans for women and I see more situations I become better and better at helping people get their exes back.

If you take my knowledge today and compare it to the knowledge I had when I first started this little website it’s like night and day.

Anyways, you are probably getting tired of me talking so lets dive right in to the new way of looking at the no contact rule.

But before we do so, I encourage you to first check out my popular eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book”!

What Is The No Contact Rule?

what is it precious

Ah what a great question.

The no contact rule is without a doubt one of the most important strategies that you can employ to get your ex boyfriend back.

When you look at the big picture of the overall strategy of getting a boyfriend back you can generally divide the strategy into three separate parts.

  1. Before No Contact
  2. During No Contact
  3. After No Contact

Before No Contact

This is usually the time where you are desperate to get your ex boyfriend back and you make every mistake in the book. I am talking about mistakes like becoming a GNAT, having him perceive you a desperate and coming off as super needy.

It is also during this time that most women stumble upon Ex Boyfriend Recovery and actually learn about the no contact rule.

During No Contact

This is the period of time when you are actually implementing the no contact rule on your ex boyfriend.

To be honest there isn’t much more that I can say that can fill this section out.

If you are in NC then you are in the “During No Contact” time frame.

After No Contact

Yup, you guessed it!

Basically this is the period of time from when the no contact rule ends to when you get your ex boyfriend back (if you do end up getting him back)

So, what is the point of me even telling you all of this? Well, generally women who decide that they do want to get their ex boyfriends back AND use the no contact rule to do so will spend half of their strategy in the no contact rule and half of their strategy outside the no contact rule.

My point?

If the no contact rule is going to eat up half of your overall strategy to get your ex boyfriend back then it’s kind of a big deal and you should fully grasp it.

Wait…

Hahahahaha…

I just realized I haven’t even fully explained what the no contact rule.

The No Contact Rule Explained

let me sum up

This isn’t as complicated as people make it out to be.

Why?  Because I wrote an awesome book, called “The No Contact Rule Book“, so go pick up a copy!

When someone says the words “No Contact” what is the first thing that pops into your head?

No = Not Any (I actually looked in the dictionary for that definition 😉 .)

Contact = A meeting, communication or relationship with someone.

So, if “No” means not any and “Contact” means meeting, communication or relationships then combining the two would basically mean,

No Contact- Not any meetings, communication or relationships with someone.

Could that be accurate to what the no contact rule is?

Actually…

That is entirely accurate.

Basically the no contact rule is a period of time where you aren’t going to have any meetings, relationships or communications with a certain someone. Of course, that certain someone is going to be your ex boyfriend.

Now, can you pick out the key of the sentence above?

It’s when I said “a period of time.”

I want to make this as clear as possible because I get so many women who make this mistake.

The no contact rule isn’t meant to be forever or until your ex boyfriend comes crawling back. It’s only meant to be for a certain amount of time and that’s it. In other words, once that time frame is up your no contact rule ends immediately and you start to go on the offensive to get your boyfriend back.

What The Purpose Of The No Contact Rule Is (The Effect It Has On Men)

purpose

Lets talk about the purpose of the no contact rule.

Above I explained what the no contact rule is but I didn’t explain what it does.

Hmm…

Perhaps I need to explain this a little better.

Basically this section is all about the effect that the no contact has on men.

However, in order for me to properly explain this effect we are going to have to do a little role playing.

What’s this role play over?

Well, lets pretend that you are implementing the no contact rule on your ex boyfriend and things are going well. What I would like to do is explain why things are going well. In other words, I want to explain the effect no contact is having on your ex.

Get it now?

Ok, lets begin.

What Happens To A Man When The No Contact Works

Before I dive in to this I think it’s my duty to explain what the no contact rule working actually looks like.

(Ready for the role play 😉 .)

Ok,  lets say that you decide that you want to do the no contact rule on your ex. After much thought you determine that you want to do the 30 day rule so that means for the next thirty days you are going to be ignoring your ex in every shape or form possible.

Around day 3 your ex boyfriend ends up texting you something like,

hey

Ok, while that little “hey” message he sends you is pretty generic it’s a positive start.

Of course, since you are in the no contact rule you cannot break your silence so you do the smart thing and continue ignoring him.

Your ex, being the persistent man he is decides to continue texting your throughout your no contact period until you finally end up with a message like this,

are you getting these

Another good sign.

It looks like your ex is starting to get annoyed that you are ignoring him. Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if he reached out to you accusing you of ignoring him on purpose (which you totally are.)

Of course, as time goes on within the 30 day time frame he begins to soften up and eventually starts sending text messages like,

miss you

Hmm…

I think it’s safe to say that the no contact rule is having the effect on him that you were hoping.

In other words, IT’S WORKING!

But why?

What is happening inside the head of a man where the no contact rule is working?

Allow me to explain!

What Is Going On Inside The Mind Of A Man During A Successful No Contact Rule

going on

In order to understand what is going on inside the mind of a man during a successful no contact rule you need to understand a bit about the way humans are.

I want you to imagine two children playing at the park.

One child is playing with a toy in a sandbox while the other child is playing with a toy as well. The two children have been best friends for a very long time and are talking to each other. All of a sudden one child gets upset with the other one and decides to ignore the other child.

What do you think happens?

Well, the one child that is getting ignored probably is going to go crazy trying to get acknowledged.

Get it?

No?

Ok, how can I put this in an even better way.

Oh I got it!

What does a baby do when a mother starts to ignore it?

The baby starts to cry, right?

Why?

Probably because the baby is trying to get attention from the mother.

In fact, a famous experiment was done to illustrate this point.

It’s called the “still face” experiment. It basically consists of having a mother sit in front of a baby and start blankly at the baby with a still face.

What do you think happens?

Find out for yourself by watching the video below,

Pretty crazy, right?

Basically the baby went berserk trying to get the mothers attention when the mother went still.

In a weird way I think this is happening inside men when they are ignored via the no contact rule.

Women are always commenting that they don’t know why their ex boyfriend is reacting so crazily during the no contact rule. Well, this is actually why.

No one likes to be ignored.

(Even babies.)

But did you notice what happened with the baby when the mother went from being “still” to being loving again?

All of a sudden all was right in the world.

The baby stopped crying and starting smiling again.

I have found that this same effect happens after the no contact rule is lifted on an ex.

So, for those women who are worried that the no contact rule may be too harsh on their exes and that their exes will hold a grudge for the rest of their life I have two things to tell you.

  1. From what I have seen from women who use the no contact rule it is rare for a man to hold a grudge.
  2. Why would you want to be with a man who would hold a grudge over something so trivial?

Now, another thing you may be wondering is why some men react sweetly during the no contact rule and some men react in a negative way.

Again, I would like to point to the “still experiment” above.

Notice how when the mother first starts ignoring her baby the baby doesn’t cry or throw a tantrum.

The baby smiles…

It smiles because it assumes that the mother will mirror the smile.

It is only after half a minute of stillness that the baby starts to cry.

The same can be said about men who are nice during NC and mean who are a tad mean during it.

Some men determine that the best way to stop from being ignored by you is to be nice to you. To send you those sweet text messages saying “I miss you…” while others tend to get nasty

My 3 Versions Of The No Contact Rule

three

Lets talk about time.

More specifically, how much time you are supposed to spend in the no contact rule. I know I have said this a lot throughout this site but I am going to say it again because it’s that important.

Experts seem to be completely split when it comes to how long the no contact rule should be for.

Some will swear by the 30 day rule while others swear by the 90 day rule.

So, what’s the right answer?

What’s the right amount of time?

Well, it depends…

Why Not Learn So Much More By Picking Up Your Copy of My Ebook, “The No Contact Rule Book“!

I know that’s probably not what you want to hear but the truth is that your ex boyfriend is unique. He is unlike anyone else walking this earth and that means that the no contact rule will have to be shaped to him.

Before I used to be under the impression that the 30 day no contact rule was the way to go.

However, as I have gotten more and more experience my mind has changed a little bit. In my opinion, there are three optimum no contact times and which one you choose to use will depend entirely on your situation.

What are the time frames?

  1. 21 days
  2. 30 days
  3. 45 days

Notice how none of the time frames are crazy like 60 days or 90 days.

Why do you think that is?

Truth be told it’s all about habits.

How Habits Play A Role

Now I know what you are thinking.

What the heck do habits have to do with anything?

Perhaps I can put this in a way so that you will understand.

How long does it take to perform a habit?

Do you get it yet?

No?

Ok, how bout this one,

How long does it take to get rid of a habit?

Well, let me save you the trip to Google (in fact, if you look it up on Google you will get a wrong answer.)

Fun story.

I went to Google to research this and this is what I was greeted with,

Screen Shot 2015-08-24 at 12.40.34 PM

So, it takes 21 days to break a habit, right?

WRONG!

Upon further research that 21 days to make or break a habit thing is a myth. In actuality it really takes around 66 days to break a habit.

So, with this in mind we don’t want any no contact rule to be longer than 66 days.

Why?

Well, lets imagine that you were to do a 90 day no contact rule on your ex boyfriend. That’s three whole months without talking to him. Assuming that it took him 66 days to get out of the habit of talking to you that would mean that a 90 day rule would far exceed that 66 day habit rule.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is that if your no contact rule is longer than 66 days then you run the risk of having an ex boyfriend be over you and if he completely is over you by that point then it makes getting him back that much harder.

You will notice that the three time frames that we are focused in on here are all below 60 days.

Well, now you know why.

We don’t want to run the risk of having your ex boyfriend get out of the habit of thinking about you.

But that still doesn’t help us determine which of the three rules is best for you, does it?

Well, allow me to dive in a bit deeper for you.

Get the Fairy Tale Feeling Back Again With Our Step By Step Guide To Getting Your Ex Back

Learn More

The 21 Day Rule

For those of you seeing the 21 day rule and celebrating don’t get too excited yet. Generally speaking the sweet spot in no contact is right around the 30 day period. In other words, the vast majority of situations are going to fall under it.

However, lets say that you have a really good chance to get your ex back and you know in your heart that your situation is conducive to success.

(You can go here to find that out.)

Well, if that’s the case then I would say you can get away with the 21 day no contact rule.

BUT BEWARE…

For those of you women who are just trying to cut down on the time it takes to get an ex boyfriend back this isn’t going to help your chances.

Remember, the only ones who should be allowed to use this no contact rule are the women with really good chances of getting an ex boyfriend back.

The 30 Day Rule

This is the sweet spot for the no contact rule.

Pretty much every situation you can think of will fall into the 30 day time frame.

  • If he broke up with you…
  • If you broke up with him…
  • If you had a massive fight…
  • If you cheated…
  • If he cheated…
  • The list goes on and on.

Basically I want you to be doing the 30 day rule 90% of the time.

The rest of the 10%?

Well, lets just say that they are either going to be in the 21 day rule or the 45 day rule below.

The 45 Day Rule

This is the longest no contact rule that I am willing to recommend.

Anything longer than 45 days is too much.

Now, this begs the question.

In what instance should you use the 45 day rule?

Here is the interesting thing. I used to think that situations where you cheated on an ex or did something horrible like that would be ideal for the 45 day rule but as I have seen more and more women embark on the rule in those instances I have found that more time tends to be more negative.

So, that’s why I cut cheating down to the 30 day rule since it has more success there.

The 45 day rule should be used in only one circumstance.

The Circumstance- Where you have annoyed your boyfriend to the MAX. In other words, you have become a GNAT to him.

Basically, the more time that goes by without you re-exhibiting the behavior the better because he will stop looking at you as a GNAT and you will have a better chance of getting him back.

The Instances Where You Can Break The No Contact Rule

break time

Now that you have a pretty good idea of what the no contact rule is lets talk about some of the wrinkles about it that none of the experts really touch on out there.

Specifically the situations where you are allowed to break the no contact rule.

Now, I want to preface this section by saying that I am not going to go as in-depth here as you like.

Why?

Because I have already written an uber in-depth article about how to handle just about every situation during the no contact rule.

Nevertheless, I am going to add some new situations that I have covered in that article here.

So buckle up!

Lets get this party started.

Situation One: If He Asks You To Be His Girlfriend Again

I want to tell you a little story about a girl named Jane.

For the record Jane is totally made up but her made up story based on real life is going to help me prove a point.

So Jane is using the no contact rule on her ex boyfriend in an attempt to get him back.

Here is the thing about Jane.

When she reads advice on something she takes it very literally. When she read my advice about the no contact rule and how you can’t break it for anything she didn’t realize that, that wasn’t exactly true. So, when the no contact rule starts affecting her ex in a positive way so much so that he decides that he wants to ask her to be back together she completely ignores him.

In other words, when he sends her a text message like this during no contact,

get back together

She completely ignores it and continues on with no contact.

…..

IS SHE CRAZY???

One of the biggest reasons you do the no contact rule is so that you can get your ex boyfriend back so when that fantasy becomes a reality it’s ok to break no contact for that.

Situation Two: Exchanging Things

Lets say that you are using a 30 day no contact rule on your ex boyfriend and around day 4 or 5 he messages you and asks if he can get his things back from your place.

The inevitability of a couple exchanging things when together is very high so it makes sense that if things were exchanged he would want them back.

Are you allowed to break the no contact rule in this case?

Simply put, yes you are.

But what if your ex boyfriend has things of yours that you want back?

Should you break the no contact rule and ask for those things back?

Hmm…

It depends…

What does it depend on?

What things your ex boyfriend has of yours.

Let me give you two examples.

Example One

Lets pretend that you left your prized ring at your ex boyfriends house. This is the ring that your father gave you before he passed away so it holds a lot of sentimental value to you.

Example Two

Now lets say that you left a tooth bush at your ex boyfriends house. There isn’t anything special about this tooth brush it’s just a normal tooth brush that you could get at any grocery store.

So, here is my question to you.

Out of these two examples what is worth breaking the no contact rule over?

A prized ring given to you by your father who has passed away?

OR

A tooth brush…

The prized ring, right?

The more important the possession is to you the more you can break the no contact rule. However, if you have just left some clothes or toiletries over at your exes you shouldn’t bother breaking the no contact rule to get them.

You can totally live without them.

Besides, you will get them back when you get back with him 😉 .

Situation Three: If You Have Kids Together

It’s kind of hard to ignore your ex significant other when you have kids together.

I mean, it’s amazing how these two little versions of you and your ex can bring about conversations after a breakup.

But how does the no contact rule fit into this?

Can you even do the no contact rule?

The answer is yes but you are going to have to make some obvious adjustments for the kiddos.

How can I put this?

Hmm…

Ok, I know.

I want you to start the no contact rule with no adjustments at all. In other words, I want you to embark on the no contact rule the same way most everyone else would. HOWEVER, you will have to make one tiny little adjustment.

If your ex brings up the kids (or you are forced to bring them up) you can break the no contact rule for that.

But that’s it…

You can only break no contact for that one type of interaction.

In other words, if you get a text like this,

tj

You are absolutely allowed to break NC and respond to it but you want to keep the interaction ONLY about the kids.

So, if you get a text like this,

day

Then you aren’t allowed to break NC.

Do you see the difference now?

Good!

Let’s move on and talk about the true purpose of no contact.

The True Purpose Of NC

true story

This is something that I haven’t talked a lot about here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery….

Well, actually that’s not true.

I HAVE talked about it quite a bit but I haven’t ever really put the pieces together for you all in one place.

That ends today obviously.

So, what is the true purpose of the no contact rule?

On instinct most women guess that it’s to get their exes back and while the no contact rule can certainly be used for that there is another purpose of the no contact rule that hardly ever gets talked about.

I want you to think about something for a moment.

This website is called Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

That’s a very telling name, isn’t it?

The truth is that when I first started this website I really only focused on helping women get back with their exes but as I gained more and more experience and credibility I learned something interesting. Sometimes the best way to get an ex back isn’t just to focus on getting him back but to focus your energies inward.

Hence, the “recovery” part of Ex Boyfriend Recovery really has two meanings.

Meaning One: Recovery means to recover your ex or to get him back.

Meaning Two: Recovery means to recover from the breakup. To truly be happy on the inside instead of depressed and sad.

Well, the no contact rule works in this way.

Yes, it is a strategy that is meant to get your ex back but think about the time frame of the no contact rule.

In many cases you are going to be waiting a full month before you can actively have a talk with your ex boyfriend.

You know what this means right?

It means that you have a month of preparation to turn yourself into the best version of yourself and by doing that you will be actively working to get over the pain of the breakup. Look, I am not going to presume to know your entire situation with your ex like the back of my hand but I will tell you one thing.

Winning a man back from a place of depression is a lot harder than trying to win him back from a place of happiness which is why I recommend self improvement during the no contact rule.

You (Version 2.0)

improvement

The best way to get over the pain you are feeling is to focus on the things that you have control over.

Do you have control over your ex boyfriend?

No?

Do you have control over yourself?

YES!

So, lets focus on that.

Right off the bat we know that we have 21 – 45 days before we have to talk to your ex so lets not just sit on our hands here during this time frame. Lets do something that will actively increase your chances of winning him back AND help you get over that sinking feeling in your gut that you are feeling right now.

So, what I want to do now is show you something that I have never shown anyone before.

I am going to call it…

The No Contact Role Play

The no contact role play is simple.

We are going to go through the no contact rule from start to finish and show you what you are supposed to do every step of the way using a fake character that I am about to create.

Are you ready?

Yes?

Ok then, I would like to introduce you to Virginia.

Virginia is a 24 year old girl who has just broken up with her boyfriend of a year. The boyfriend stated that he just didn’t feel love for her anymore and that she wasn’t giving him the attention that he thought he deserved.

(Side Note: Virginia is a FAKE character that I just made up to illustrate a point.)

So, the first thing that Virginia is going to want to do is to determine which no contact rule time frame is best for her.

What No Contact Time Frame Is Best For Virginia?

After much thought and deliberation Virginia has decided that she wants to embark on a 30 day no contact rule since she thinks that will give her ex enough time to miss her and give HER enough time to change her image completely.

What’s next?

Ah yes, the self improvement plan.

How Can Virginia Improve Herself During This 30 Day Period?

There are a lot of ways that Virgina can improve herself during the 30 day no contact period.

Specifically here are some of the things that she wants to do,

  • Get in the best shape of her life
  • Read a book
  • Learn some new things (salsa dancing, cooking class, learn another language)
  • Redo wardrobe
  • Educate herself about the world
  • Get out more by socializing with friends and family

The No Contact Calendar

What I am about to do now is something that I have never done here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery but I think it will be extremely helpful for you to see HOW the no contact rule will look from a birds eye view.

Above we established two things.

Thing One: Virginia is doing a 30 day rule

Thing Two: What Virginia is going to do during the 30 day rule.

But how are these things implemented?

What do they look like?

Like I said above, I am going to be answering those questions today but I am going to be doing so in a very unique way.

I am going to be using a calendar to demonstrate what a perfect no contact rule looks like.

To be honest I don’t think there is much more set up that I can use for this so I am just going to dive right in.

Take a look at the graphic below for me,

nc calendar

Now, I do know that a lot of you are using phones to read this article so hopefully you can see the calendar above because it’s kind of important.

Basically this is what a birds eye view of the no contact rule looks like.

You will notice that there are 30 days on this calendar and under each of the 30 days are little items ranging from workouts to learning a new language.

Sound familiar?

You remember how Virginia wanted to improve during the no contact rule, right?

Well, all the things she wanted to improve on are found here.

Cooking class…

Salsa dancing…

Getting in incredible shape…

Reading a book…

Learning a language…

Revamping her wardrobe…

Learning about the world…

Socializing…

All of it can be found on this calendar.

Oh, also take notice on how every single day during this 30 day no contact period is jam packed with stuff to do. The idea is to fill up your own personal calendar so much that you don’t even have time to text an ex. Heck, you don’t even have time to think about him.

Of course, then there is the fact that every action found on the calendar serves one purpose, to help you become the best version of yourself.

1,110 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (Version 2.0)”

  1. Avatar

    Naf

    August 28, 2019 at 7:11 pm

    Hello
    I was invited by a guy in another country after a year of texing from distance and stayed with his mum and he for 3days in his house.He told me he wants to know me more and we should be still just friends (no sex).
    After coming back,i thanked him and he replied me after a month(on the day of my birthday )and then after a week i sent him a message since he didnt say to me happy birthday “How is it going? And i mentioned to him that i had a good time with my family on my birthday ” then after a week he said sorry that he forgot and he said happy belated b’day although it can be everyday birthday like “Alice in wonder land”then we started to texing 2days about foods and the second day when i asked him if he likes a kind of food.He doesnt reply me and it has been 3weeks that he saw my message but without reply.
    I knew before that when we meet a guy in his country,it takes 1month for starting texing by him.But i dont know the rest of the rule of this game.Please tell me !

  2. Avatar

    Talia

    July 30, 2019 at 3:29 pm

    Hi there! Need some help and feel little stuck. Boyfriend and I broke up about 2 weeks ago and we lived together. I moved to another state to be with him. I guess our arguments just got worst and worst and it became toxic. I cant stop thinking how sudden it feels when in the midst of everything he broke up with me. I left to be with friends and family to give us time and space but uncertain of what to do having to move the rest of my things out. I understand right now he is completely done. Ive sent an email apologizing for my part although i do not feel as its all my fault and he does and i decided to start the NC from there. Now other people are childishly getting involved on both of our ends causing a lot of frustration to now he has my blocked on almost everything over something out of my control. Now that I am blocked and should remain in NC what do as far as moving out rest of my things (or not worry about it until he reaches out a out it?) and starting somewhere new? It isnt as easy to just uproot my life to another state again while hoping we can save the relationship. Feeling some lost and guidance doing my best for NC but I have broke it before.

  3. Avatar

    Amanda

    July 16, 2019 at 3:56 am

    I broke up with my boyfriend of one year about 3 weeks ago and started doing NC right away. We left with no fights, no hard feelings, love each other and want the best for each other, etc. We have incredible chemistry but the timing isn’t right. He was content to just talk on the phone for months–our conversations are always amazing but they ended up just being heartbreaking for me because he never made time to actually go out with me. Anyway, I broke up with him and told him I was going to do NC for a “long time” which means until he’s inspired to change… if ever. He agreed, but I really think he didn’t believe I would be able to do it. We go to the same church and I’ve been doing really well avoiding him. Anyway, my mom (who is 25 years older than us, but still beautiful in her 60s) also goes to our church. For the last 2 weeks, he and she have both gotten there before me and he approaches her and flirts with her! Tells her she’s stunning, carries on a conversation, etc. Of course she loves the flattery and thinks “he just can’t help talking to pretty ladies”. He does have a habit of flirting with older ladies, which never bothered me before. But my mom?! Really?! I wanted SO badly to text him and call him out on it today but I didn’t do it. Why does he think this is appropriate? Should I make an exception and ask him to leave her alone, or just ignore his ridiculousness?

  4. Avatar

    Amber

    July 16, 2019 at 3:47 am

    I broke up with my boyfriend of one year about 3 weeks ago and started doing NC right away. We left with no fights, no hard feelings, love each other and want the best for each other, etc. We have incredible chemistry but the timing isn’t right. He was content to just talk on the phone–our conversations are always amazing but they ended up being heartbreaking for me because he never made time to actually go out with me. He owns his own company and puts a lot of demands on himself. So I broke up with him and told him I was going to do NC for “a long time” which pretty means until things will be different… if ever. He agreed, but I really think he didn’t believe I would be able to do it. We go to the same church and I have been doing really well avoiding him. Anyway, my mom (who is beautiful for being 62 and often gets hit on by guys closer to her age) also goes to our church. For the last 2 weeks, he and she have both gotten there before me and he approaches her and flirts with her! Tells her she looks beautiful, carries on a conversation, etc. Of course she loves the flattery and thinks “he just can’t help talking to pretty ladies”. He does have a habit of flirting with older ladies, which never bothered me before and I have never been a jealous person. But my mom?! Really?! I wanted SO badly to text him and call him out on it today but I didn’t do it. Should I not think anything of it? Why does he think such a thing is appropriate?

  5. Avatar

    Amber Gabel

    July 4, 2019 at 12:21 am

    Hi Chris
    My boyfriend of 2 years is a pilot for a private jet company. He flies all the time and he’s in school for his bachelors. We’re both 20-21, it’s been hard getting to have down time and being with one another since his schedule is sporadic and his on call all day every day. He called me saying he wanted to be alone. He needed time to focus on work and school. For whatever reason he couldn’t do that whilst dating me. He said to give him some time for him to do what he needs to do before he decides where we’re at…
    I haven’t talked to him for 3 days, and implementing the 30 day NC. We used to talk about our future together and loved sharing about our day. We both travel a lot, I’ve been posting stuff on my social media every now of my trips I’ve been on and he almost always sees them within the first 30 mins of posting. Is that a good sign that he’s still interested in me?
    Do I reach out to him after the 30 days?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      July 4, 2019 at 3:05 pm

      HI Amber….that is what my Program calls for…reaching out after the NC period. I discuss that at length in my Program – EBR Pro Bundle. It is a good sign he is paying attention to your Social Media

  6. Avatar

    Kathy

    July 3, 2019 at 5:31 am

    Hi, I really need some help…
    My ex and I dated for 3 months, we always got into small arguments and it were usually me nagging him about how I wanted him to put more effort and time for us but another side of me understood that he is also very busy with his family and other responsibilities. We argued nearly every week until one day he told me he lost feelings and he sees no future between us as if we keep continue, things will get worse… I really want him back as I know it is my fault and I am willing to try to change my insecurity. However, he was really determined with his decision, doesn’t matter how much I convinced him…

  7. Avatar

    karen

    June 14, 2019 at 2:13 pm

    hi chris, love your podcast, i have binged it all week, and completely understand/agree with the NC rule. one question, what if your ex does not contact during the NC 30/45 days? is it ok to reach out to them after the initial 30/45 days? and if so, what do you say?even if they do contact you during NC, and you dont respond, until the NC is over, what should your first text to them be?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      June 14, 2019 at 3:37 pm

      Yep Karen…that is what I teach. There is a method I advocate in how to do it. I would advise you to pick up my comprehensive Program – EBR Pro Bundle – to get up to speed on the whole ex recovery process

  8. Avatar

    Alaa

    May 21, 2019 at 1:10 pm

    UPDATE

    Actually right after I posted those 2 comments in a few hours he texted me
    I didnt send anything after the goodnight nessage but he texted me saying he is still busy but he has missed me and wanted to check on me

    I texted him hours later though because didn’t want to text him right away I feel its wrong idk
    And he replued right away and again I replied in hours

    Then again told him goodnight

    But what are the recommended steps to do now in order not to push him away further?

  9. Avatar

    Alaa

    May 20, 2019 at 2:14 pm

    Sorry I forgot to mention it’s been just a month since he asked me out
    I wanted to prove him that I love him but he is not cooperating because I feel I’m getting rejected
    But I am confused and can’t know if he isn’t responding due to what’s been happening in his life..
    So I can’t know if he loves me or not

  10. Avatar

    Alaa

    May 20, 2019 at 2:10 pm

    Hey Chris! Hope you are doing well!

    So there is this new guy I met, I was walking in a comic con with my sisters and he suddenly came to me to ask for me number, he said I was beautiful and wanted to know more about me

    So we talked and got to know more about each other, he said he never believed in love from first sight but he thinks he believes in it now
    Apparently he lives like 3 hours far away from where I live, and he confessed to me his feelings and asked me to go out with him
    he came all the way from there “took bus as transportation” twice, they were really nice days..

    Then my sisters told me they don’t trust him but I kind of did cause if he wasn’t serious he wouldn’t have come all the way from there just to see me) and I told him about it
    he got upset and said that he loved me but I broke his heart, I didn’t know what I did so I asked him and he said it’s because my sisters are controlling me, but i did not take their advice!
    and he said in this case he knows we won’t even last for a month

    well since that day things have got a bit complicated, he doesn’t talk to me as he used to, it’s been more than a week now, but I tried to be patient and said maybe he is still hurt (I dunno)
    but whenever I confessed my love or I send him love memes related or love comics, he doesn’t respond and responds to something else

    and one night he said he said he was planning a better future for his “future wife”… he didn’t refer to me, before he used to talk about the future with me and always refer to me, it broke my heart

    Then something in his life happened, he got rejected and can’t travel to America, so he was really upset and told me not to send anything, I didn’t.
    one day passed then he messaged me, but he used to reply back after like 2 to 3 hours.. I understand what he’s going through so I just let it go

    but nowadays he doesn’t talk like at all, and he goes out without telling me or anything, then I told him I am missing him but I understand what he is going through, then he said he is super busy and they are transferring into another house and he is searching for a job and a good college to continue his studies there and all, I wished him luck and told him goodnight, he said good night

    and it’s been 2 days he hasn’t initiated a chat or even asked about me or anything
    I dunno if what Im doing is wrong or right, maybe I should support him? or do I continue not to message him until he does?

  11. Avatar

    Tyla

    March 5, 2019 at 10:16 pm

    Hi, Chris

    My boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me a little over a week ago. We had a big little fight and he decided that he was done.

    A week prior to that we had an argument too, where I had asked him if he would rather break up with me and have us go our separate ways. His response to that was confusing to me at that point. All he said was that he knows he would regret breaking up with me, should he do so. This was not the answer I expected, and what I was hearing was that he actually wanted to breakup with me but he felt unsure. I then told him that it’s okay and that we should go our separate ways, he agreed. The next morning I received a text message from him, asking me to reconsider things and give our relationship another chance. Without any hesitation, I gave it another chance. I was not going to just let it go anyway, I guess I just needed to see where his heart and head was at.

    Anyway, to come back to the official breakup – already being familiar with EBR, I knew that I had to begin the NC period (I really, really, really want him back. I love him and we used to be great together). However, as you can imagine, at this point I was extremely emotional as I realized that his mind was made up and that he was serious about the breakup. I attempted to begin the NC, but he for some reason would not stop texting me to make sure if I was okay and ask if we could be friends. I would not respond of course, but he then started reaching out to my mother to ask her if I’m okay as I’m not responding to his texts. I then decided to break NC, I told him that I was okay and I asked him to stop texting my mother (I did not want my mom to give him too much information about me during this time). He reluctantly agreed and we ironed things out between us, in other words we ended things on a positive note. He mentioned that the decision wasn’t easy but that we both had to bite the bullet. Having him be so calm and cool about the breakup made me so afraid because it just got more and more real for me. I was about to end the conversation and go back into NC when he begged me to stay online a little longer and chat further. He had bought me a ring as a gift about a week before the breakup but due to certain circumstances we haven’t seen each other for a while and he never got to give me the ring. He then told me that he would want to see me for a last time and give me the ring as he still felt that I deserved it. I kindly declined the offer, logged offline and continued NC.

    I’m sorry – I know this is an extremely long essay , but I really need you to stay with me . Please.

    Exactly a week after I went into the NC period he had reached out just as I was thinking of him and how much I miss him. I didn’t respond, of course. He double texted me “Hey ” – “How are you?” It was so difficult not to respond but I am determined to continue working on getting him back.

    What I would like to know is, what to do IF he decides that he wants to give us another chance and asks me to get back together with him during the NC period. Do I discontinue NC, or do I continue ignoring his texts? I really don’t want to mess things up.

    Thanks for reading.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      March 5, 2019 at 10:49 pm

      HI Tyla…so I can see there is a lot going on. I wrote an eBook (The No Contact Rule Book – 245 pages) that dives deep into all the questions you ask regarding the what ifs. NC is highly adaptable and there are a lot of factors one should take into account before deciding to discontinue. I encourage you to take a look at that resource as its a complicated topic.

  12. Avatar

    Foolish

    March 1, 2019 at 8:03 pm

    Foolish again, my ex has been actively looking at my snapchats (within an hour of posting or less) and he’s not even my friend on there, meaning he has to type out my username and see if I upload. I broke NC after a week by sending him a message on his phone saying to stop viewing my stories since it won’t let me block him anymore. And he hasn’t replied. Why he active on my snap even screenshooting selfies of myself or posts about going to Vegas soon and not even acknowledging I’m telling him to stop? He went from blowing up my phone, even at work to completely stopping except for actively looking on Snapchat.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      March 1, 2019 at 10:44 pm

      Hey there…Probably best to get back to NC. Are you following the blueprint I have in my eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro”? It will help you stay focused in accomplishing your NC goals.

  13. Avatar

    Foolish

    February 27, 2019 at 2:50 am

    My sister saw my now ex of 6 months at her work place with his ex of 4 months before me and her son. As soon as he saw her he ran out the store. This is a touchy subject for me because she came into my workplace and physically assaulted me over him when we were just friends at the time & 2 months after they broke up. Because of her crazy behavior he cut off all communication with her. Or so I thought. I didn’t even let him explain himself and sent a “I can’t believe you text” then blocked all numbers & social media before he can reply. He somehow had people text on his behalf saying he was with this person at this time (blocked those numbers immediately), added me on Snapchat, called me on blocked number numerous times, and called my work twice within the first 2 days of me dumping him (my work gave excuses for me.) But yesterday and today, nothing not viewing social media posts or calling. Im just confused and hurt by his actions when I never gave him any reason for him to doubt me, he knows my past and he “swore” he would never pull what my ex did but he did & he just wants to make me happy as I make him happy… I’m just wondering if I was a joke to him and why bother harassing me when he clearly still wants her by going back to her. I want answers but I refuse to unblock him right now especially if he is lying saying he was never there. What can I do?

  14. Avatar

    Elaina

    February 21, 2019 at 7:10 pm

    Following up on your response, do you feel it’s over then? I still haven’t heard anything, we haven’t broken up. But are you saying I should accept it’s over and move on?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 21, 2019 at 10:31 pm

      No….patience, however uncomfortable it may feel, is what needs to be exercised to get a better handle on what is going on.

  15. Avatar

    Elaina

    February 21, 2019 at 12:56 am

    Dear Chris…I got into nasty fight with the bf over messaging two weeks ago. We had been fighting quite a bit over the past couple of months during a rough transitional period. Well I saw him the night after this fight and we seemed to be okay, though he had not responded to my apologies so it didn’t quite seem resolved. Things seemed okay the rest of the week and he texted me happy valentine’s day and I visited him at his work to give his gift and card. But I had a bad feeling and a mutual friend (his best and really only friend) confirmed my fears and indirectly telling me my bf didn’t want to be with me anymore but didn’t want to tell me directly. I sent the bf a message (this was four days ago) apologizing again and clearly stating how I feel and why I had been letting myself blow up at him. He said “we will talk tomorrow” which would have been Sunday but it never happened. I gave him space and waited, knowing he was working his usual 12+ hour shifts at his restaurant and not getting a day off until today. Well Tuesday morning after no message I sent a more in-depth message about everything and reaffirming I do not want to lose him and how much he means to me, that I was letting myself get upset over him not talking much to me or expressing as much physical affection as I had hoped for but things were fine when I wasn’t pushing for that affection or communication. I told him I knew I had been insensitive (a lot of the strain was caused by his grief losing his father and uncle last year and it was devastating for him and his family) We had been living together all last year and when he got a condo he was going to have me move there with him but because of how strained things had been I suggested living apart for a bit to work on ourselves but still in a relationship and he seemed to have no problem with this at all. But I know now that this likely did cause a huge problem and his friend had suggested as such and we had been living apart since around Christmas and he was upset about me not being around. But I was making things worse by harassing him and getting upset over trivial things. Well I know he read the long message I sent on Tuesday and still have heard nothing. I found out his godmother passed away today and messaged his mother with my condolences; because she often visits him, she expressed confusion why I haven’t been around and I was narrowly able to avoid the subject but I’m afraid she’s going to hound him about it because she is very nosy. Regardless of her involvement, I am stressing hard over the bf’s lack of response and not knowing where we stand. This time feels worse than the other fights I instigated. I’m very ashamed of how things have turned out. I just can’t stand the thought of losing him. Should I keep waiting for him to reply to me? If so, how long?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 21, 2019 at 3:21 am

      I know Elaina…fights are the worst part about our relationships….how quickly things can go south. A lot has unfolded. But the past is past, so now its time to focus on a positive future which includes your healing and recovery. Take a look at my 485 page ebook (EBR PRO) to help you going forward!

  16. Avatar

    Sophie

    February 17, 2019 at 8:04 pm

    Hi Chris,
    My ex broke up with me a week ago and left me broken-hearted. The worst is that we are co-workers, so we can’t avoid seeing each other. I know what you think…We were together for 6 month and we never had an argument. His parents divorced when he was a little boy so he could not see a “good pattern” who a good marriage works. We didn’t spend too much time together which must be surprising, outside of work we met like twice a week, we spent most of the time at my place. Everything was good, before the week of the break-up we spent the whole week together expect for 1 night whe he met his auntie (she is just 4 or 5 years older than he). I met his father (not for the first time), he introduced me to his half-brother. I really liked both of them and it was mutual. We were planning to have a wellness weekend, and not just that, he told me he wants me to join him during their traditional family holiday by the lake, which I really wanted to, I even booked those days.The day after I met his brother and father I introduced him to one of my friends (they couldn’t meet earlier as she was abroad). He told her the four of us could go on a double date. I was very happy as you can imagine. I was about to meet his mother, I have talked with her on the phone a couple of times, but finally it was time to meet. I have already introduced him to my family, they really got on well. After that happiness came the week of the break-up. I was most surprised as there were no signals at all. He has had many issues recently, but I was always there for him. He told me he still loves me, but not the same way he felt earlier. I asked him why he didn’t tell me he had had doubts, he told me he didn’t want to as he thought he can get through those without telling me. This is the break-up in a nutshell. This was last Friday. He left me clueless, hopeless, broken-hearted. I really wanted answers, so we met the following Tuesday. I didn’t have all the answers I wanted. We met at my place. At the beginning we are sitting on the couch staring at each other. He looked worse than I did. He broke silence by saying he misses me so much, he even told me he loves me and has feelings for me. I told him this is mutual, I feel the same way. I had so many questions to ask. By the end of the list I asked him how he feels about his decision, whether he feels it was the right thing to do. He told me he doesn’t know and that he needs time to figure it out. I also asked him whether this decision is final or is it just a break. He told me the same that he needs time. This was his second relationship, the one before ours was 10 years ago. He is 27 I am 25. What do you think? Will we ever get back together? Will the no contact rule help us?

  17. Avatar

    lele

    February 16, 2019 at 4:16 pm

    hi chris
    me and my boyfriend
    broke up two weeks ago
    and i am going to start NC on him
    ind i was wondering if i unfriend him on social media
    and hide my stories from him or
    i can use it as a weapon to make him miss me

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 17, 2019 at 1:10 am

      Hi Lele!

      I know its still hurts, even after 2 week. NC can be the right medicine. I favor keeping the social media lines of communication open. Instead of thinking of weaponizing it, think in term of leaving little breadcrumbs. Pick up my comprehensive eBook, “PRO” to learn more about all of this and more

  18. Avatar

    Anna

    February 12, 2019 at 5:42 am

    Hi chris

    I wrote on your site here somewhere before but anyways… i been really sad and depressed what happened with my EX. Its been about 17 days i broke the NC because i been extremely sad so i contacted my ex on a text one big long text for explaination. Same route with first break up few years ago but hes even more rude this time. Im not in shock what he has to say… hes acting really weird because we fought and i told him we would talk if we fought which we didnt and this is only our second fight. Hes making a big deal out of it and i dont know anymore. We are long distance now as i moved away few months ago for work. I used to live same city with him. He was planning to move to where im at in the future… anyways hes saying that i cant talk normal while we fight but again like i said its only 2nd fight. I learned maybe i should not care and let things go one ear out another. Im not even sad anymore, more like “what the f*…… Do you have any suggestion what i should do? I dont think there is getting back together after this anymore… i dont know. Im lost…

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 13, 2019 at 12:49 am

      Hi Anna!

      Hang in there Anna….you are going to get thru this. Check out my website and eBooks for all kinds of ideas on how you can heal and participate in meaningful recovery activities to lift yourself up. My Program gets into a lot of the things that can help you with your ex recovery efforts.

  19. Avatar

    Megan

    February 12, 2019 at 2:12 am

    Hi Chris

    My boyfriend and I dated for three years. We had an awesome relationship but took it slow as we both have kids etc. We didn’t have tedious fights. Had a great sex life. Treated each other with trust and respect. Had fun and had plans for the future. And before it happened I truly felt we were secure completely that we had a future and I thought he did too. I was at peace. However twice in that three years when things had gotten rough he backed away took space and broke up with me only to come back. He did the same this time over basically nothing. But broke up with me told me I wasn’t the one and he had to focus on him etc. He has been struggling financially and with many life changes the last year and I have supported him entirely. He said he needed time but he never really talked with me on an emotional level just gave me cliche reasons. This was a few weeks ago and we kept in contact. Had lunch. And texted and I sent emotional texts telling him how I felt but he sent nothing emotional back. But said he wanted to have me in his life. Five days ago he came to do a favour me he had promised previously and I told him I accept but don’t understand his decision to break up. He acted very strong and stubborn in his decision as stubbornness is his character and he knows it. And now I’m here reading about the no contact rule. He doesn’t know we are in a no contact phase but I feel that we are. I really don’t understand why we broke up. Am fearful of the what if’s. I feel as if he is forgetting me because we have no contact. We never established no contact. Do I keep at it? I am almost breaking

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 13, 2019 at 12:58 am

      Hi Megan!

      I do think NC is a pragmatic way forward. Tap into my eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” to get up to speed on this whole post break up period. Its 485 pages of lots and lots of information that I think you will click with!

  20. Avatar

    Sofia

    February 11, 2019 at 8:22 am

    I have tried the NC rule and it always works. After about a year of a very difficult relationship my boyfriend decided to move to another country. At that point we have a mature conversation. He needs to focus on his professional career. This relationship does not let him focus. And blah blah. I decided to act mature and accept all he had to say. I also blocked him on all social media (yes i regret now). In few days it will be 60 days no contact. Thats the longest ever. Although i check his social media and he has been very quiet and some friends say he is going through some rough times still proffesionally.

    But because this is not the first time he leaves i dont wanna be the one to contact. But after 60 days. I am not sure what is the right thing to do.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 11, 2019 at 11:42 pm

      Hi Sofia!

      If you are following along with my Program, I do call for you to reach out at the end of the NC period. There is a certain method I teach in how that’s done via text…sort of a slow, steady, value building approach which I get into in much more detail in my eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro”!

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