It’s been a while since I’ve written about the no contact rule so I figured now was a good time for me to update you on my philosophy regarding it. You see, one of my greatest fears for this website is that it gets out of date.
I don’t want this to be one of those websites that is a flash in the pan. You know, the kind of website that has really good content for a few years and then all of a sudden just falls off the map. Nope, I want this website to always stay up to date and in tune with it’s audience.
As a result, I am always updating my philosophy on things.
If there is one constant in this life it’s change and this website is no different. So, as my thoughts on things change. Ex Boyfriend Recovery will change as well to reflect them.
Why is this so important?
Well, I already explained that it keeps the website up to date but as time moves on and I formulate more and more game plans for women and I see more situations I become better and better at helping people get their exes back.
If you take my knowledge today and compare it to the knowledge I had when I first started this little website it’s like night and day.
Anyways, you are probably getting tired of me talking so lets dive right in to the new way of looking at the no contact rule.
What Is The No Contact Rule?
Ah what a great question.
The no contact rule is without a doubt one of the most important strategies that you can employ to get your ex boyfriend back.
When you look at the big picture of the overall strategy of getting a boyfriend back you can generally divide the strategy into three separate parts.
- Before No Contact
- During No Contact
- After No Contact
Before No Contact
This is usually the time where you are desperate to get your ex boyfriend back and you make every mistake in the book. I am talking about mistakes like becoming a GNAT, having him perceive you a desperate and coming off as super needy.
It is also during this time that most women stumble upon Ex Boyfriend Recovery and actually learn about the no contact rule.
During No Contact
This is the period of time when you are actually implementing the no contact rule on your ex boyfriend.
To be honest there isn’t much more that I can say that can fill this section out.
If you are in NC then you are in the “During No Contact” time frame.
After No Contact
Yup, you guessed it!
Basically this is the period of time from when the no contact rule ends to when you get your ex boyfriend back (if you do end up getting him back)
So, what is the point of me even telling you all of this? Well, generally women who decide that they do want to get their ex boyfriends back AND use the no contact rule to do so will spend half of their strategy in the no contact rule and half of their strategy outside the no contact rule.
If the no contact rule is going to eat up half of your overall strategy to get your ex boyfriend back then it’s kind of a big deal and you should fully grasp it.
I just realized I haven’t even fully explained what the no contact rule.
The No Contact Rule Explained
This isn’t as complicated as people make it out to be.
When someone says the words “No Contact” what is the first thing that pops into your head?
No = Not Any (I actually looked in the dictionary for that definition 😉 .)
Contact = A meeting, communication or relationship with someone.
So, if “No” means not any and “Contact” means meeting, communication or relationships then combining the two would basically mean,
No Contact- Not any meetings, communication or relationships with someone.
Could that be accurate to what the no contact rule is?
That is entirely accurate.
Basically the no contact rule is a period of time where you aren’t going to have any meetings, relationships or communications with a certain someone. Of course, that certain someone is going to be your ex boyfriend.
Now, can you pick out the key of the sentence above?
It’s when I said “a period of time.”
I want to make this as clear as possible because I get so many women who make this mistake.
The no contact rule isn’t meant to be forever or until your ex boyfriend comes crawling back. It’s only meant to be for a certain amount of time and that’s it. In other words, once that time frame is up your no contact rule ends immediately and you start to go on the offensive to get your boyfriend back.
What The Purpose Of The No Contact Rule Is (The Effect It Has On Men)
Lets talk about the purpose of the no contact rule.
Above I explained what the no contact rule is but I didn’t explain what it does.
Perhaps I need to explain this a little better.
Basically this section is all about the effect that the no contact has on men.
However, in order for me to properly explain this effect we are going to have to do a little role playing.
What’s this role play over?
Well, lets pretend that you are implementing the no contact rule on your ex boyfriend and things are going well. What I would like to do is explain why things are going well. In other words, I want to explain the effect no contact is having on your ex.
Get it now?
Ok, lets begin.
What Happens To A Man When The No Contact Works
Before I dive in to this I think it’s my duty to explain what the no contact rule working actually looks like.
(Ready for the role play 😉 .)
Ok, lets say that you decide that you want to do the no contact rule on your ex. After much thought you determine that you want to do the 30 day rule so that means for the next thirty days you are going to be ignoring your ex in every shape or form possible.
Around day 3 your ex boyfriend ends up texting you something like,
Ok, while that little “hey” message he sends you is pretty generic it’s a positive start.
Of course, since you are in the no contact rule you cannot break your silence so you do the smart thing and continue ignoring him.
Your ex, being the persistent man he is decides to continue texting your throughout your no contact period until you finally end up with a message like this,
Another good sign.
It looks like your ex is starting to get annoyed that you are ignoring him. Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if he reached out to you accusing you of ignoring him on purpose (which you totally are.)
Of course, as time goes on within the 30 day time frame he begins to soften up and eventually starts sending text messages like,
I think it’s safe to say that the no contact rule is having the effect on him that you were hoping.
In other words, IT’S WORKING!
What is happening inside the head of a man where the no contact rule is working?
Allow me to explain!
What Is Going On Inside The Mind Of A Man During A Successful No Contact Rule
In order to understand what is going on inside the mind of a man during a successful no contact rule you need to understand a bit about the way humans are.
I want you to imagine two children playing at the park.
One child is playing with a toy in a sandbox while the other child is playing with a toy as well. The two children have been best friends for a very long time and are talking to each other. All of a sudden one child gets upset with the other one and decides to ignore the other child.
What do you think happens?
Well, the one child that is getting ignored probably is going to go crazy trying to get acknowledged.
Ok, how can I put this in an even better way.
Oh I got it!
What does a baby do when a mother starts to ignore it?
The baby starts to cry, right?
Probably because the baby is trying to get attention from the mother.
In fact, a famous experiment was done to illustrate this point.
It’s called the “still face” experiment. It basically consists of having a mother sit in front of a baby and start blankly at the baby with a still face.
What do you think happens?
Find out for yourself by watching the video below,
Pretty crazy, right?
Basically the baby went berserk trying to get the mothers attention when the mother went still.
In a weird way I think this is happening inside men when they are ignored via the no contact rule.
Women are always commenting that they don’t know why their ex boyfriend is reacting so crazily during the no contact rule. Well, this is actually why.
No one likes to be ignored.
But did you notice what happened with the baby when the mother went from being “still” to being loving again?
All of a sudden all was right in the world.
The baby stopped crying and starting smiling again.
I have found that this same effect happens after the no contact rule is lifted on an ex.
So, for those women who are worried that the no contact rule may be too harsh on their exes and that their exes will hold a grudge for the rest of their life I have two things to tell you.
- From what I have seen from women who use the no contact rule it is rare for a man to hold a grudge.
- Why would you want to be with a man who would hold a grudge over something so trivial?
Now, another thing you may be wondering is why some men react sweetly during the no contact rule and some men react in a negative way.
Again, I would like to point to the “still experiment” above.
Notice how when the mother first starts ignoring her baby the baby doesn’t cry or throw a tantrum.
The baby smiles…
It smiles because it assumes that the mother will mirror the smile.
It is only after half a minute of stillness that the baby starts to cry.
The same can be said about men who are nice during NC and mean who are a tad mean during it.
Some men determine that the best way to stop from being ignored by you is to be nice to you. To send you those sweet text messages saying “I miss you…” while others tend to get nasty
My 3 Versions Of The No Contact Rule
Lets talk about time.
More specifically, how much time you are supposed to spend in the no contact rule. I know I have said this a lot throughout this site but I am going to say it again because it’s that important.
Experts seem to be completely split when it comes to how long the no contact rule should be for.
Some will swear by the 30 day rule while others swear by the 90 day rule.
So, what’s the right answer?
What’s the right amount of time?
Well, it depends…
I know that’s probably not what you want to hear but the truth is that your ex boyfriend is unique. He is unlike anyone else walking this earth and that means that the no contact rule will have to be shaped to him.
Before I used to be under the impression that the 30 day no contact rule was the way to go.
However, as I have gotten more and more experience my mind has changed a little bit. In my opinion, there are three optimum no contact times and which one you choose to use will depend entirely on your situation.
What are the time frames?
- 21 days
- 30 days
- 45 days
Notice how none of the time frames are crazy like 60 days or 90 days.
Why do you think that is?
Truth be told it’s all about habits.
How Habits Play A Role
Now I know what you are thinking.
What the heck do habits have to do with anything?
Perhaps I can put this in a way so that you will understand.
How long does it take to perform a habit?
Do you get it yet?
Ok, how bout this one,
How long does it take to get rid of a habit?
Well, let me save you the trip to Google (in fact, if you look it up on Google you will get a wrong answer.)
I went to Google to research this and this is what I was greeted with,
So, it takes 21 days to break a habit, right?
Upon further research that 21 days to make or break a habit thing is a myth. In actuality it really takes around 66 days to break a habit.
So, with this in mind we don’t want any no contact rule to be longer than 66 days.
Well, lets imagine that you were to do a 90 day no contact rule on your ex boyfriend. That’s three whole months without talking to him. Assuming that it took him 66 days to get out of the habit of talking to you that would mean that a 90 day rule would far exceed that 66 day habit rule.
So, I guess what I am trying to say is that if your no contact rule is longer than 66 days then you run the risk of having an ex boyfriend be over you and if he completely is over you by that point then it makes getting him back that much harder.
You will notice that the three time frames that we are focused in on here are all below 60 days.
Well, now you know why.
We don’t want to run the risk of having your ex boyfriend get out of the habit of thinking about you.
But that still doesn’t help us determine which of the three rules is best for you, does it?
Well, allow me to dive in a bit deeper for you.
The 21 Day Rule
For those of you seeing the 21 day rule and celebrating don’t get too excited yet. Generally speaking the sweet spot in no contact is right around the 30 day period. In other words, the vast majority of situations are going to fall under it.
However, lets say that you have a really good chance to get your ex back and you know in your heart that your situation is conducive to success.
(You can go here to find that out.)
Well, if that’s the case then I would say you can get away with the 21 day no contact rule.
For those of you women who are just trying to cut down on the time it takes to get an ex boyfriend back this isn’t going to help your chances.
Remember, the only ones who should be allowed to use this no contact rule are the women with really good chances of getting an ex boyfriend back.
The 30 Day Rule
This is the sweet spot for the no contact rule.
Pretty much every situation you can think of will fall into the 30 day time frame.
- If he broke up with you…
- If you broke up with him…
- If you had a massive fight…
- If you cheated…
- If he cheated…
- The list goes on and on.
Basically I want you to be doing the 30 day rule 90% of the time.
The rest of the 10%?
Well, lets just say that they are either going to be in the 21 day rule or the 45 day rule below.
The 45 Day Rule
This is the longest no contact rule that I am willing to recommend.
Anything longer than 45 days is too much.
Now, this begs the question.
In what instance should you use the 45 day rule?
Here is the interesting thing. I used to think that situations where you cheated on an ex or did something horrible like that would be ideal for the 45 day rule but as I have seen more and more women embark on the rule in those instances I have found that more time tends to be more negative.
So, that’s why I cut cheating down to the 30 day rule since it has more success there.
The 45 day rule should be used in only one circumstance.
The Circumstance- Where you have annoyed your boyfriend to the MAX. In other words, you have become a GNAT to him.
Basically, the more time that goes by without you re-exhibiting the behavior the better because he will stop looking at you as a GNAT and you will have a better chance of getting him back.
The Instances Where You Can Break The No Contact Rule
Now that you have a pretty good idea of what the no contact rule is lets talk about some of the wrinkles about it that none of the experts really touch on out there.
Specifically the situations where you are allowed to break the no contact rule.
Now, I want to preface this section by saying that I am not going to go as in-depth here as you like.
Because I have already written an uber in-depth article about how to handle just about every situation during the no contact rule.
Nevertheless, I am going to add some new situations that I have covered in that article here.
So buckle up!
Lets get this party started.
Situation One: If He Asks You To Be His Girlfriend Again
I want to tell you a little story about a girl named Jane.
For the record Jane is totally made up but her made up story based on real life is going to help me prove a point.
So Jane is using the no contact rule on her ex boyfriend in an attempt to get him back.
Here is the thing about Jane.
When she reads advice on something she takes it very literally. When she read my advice about the no contact rule and how you can’t break it for anything she didn’t realize that, that wasn’t exactly true. So, when the no contact rule starts affecting her ex in a positive way so much so that he decides that he wants to ask her to be back together she completely ignores him.
In other words, when he sends her a text message like this during no contact,
She completely ignores it and continues on with no contact.
IS SHE CRAZY???
One of the biggest reasons you do the no contact rule is so that you can get your ex boyfriend back so when that fantasy becomes a reality it’s ok to break no contact for that.
Situation Two: Exchanging Things
Lets say that you are using a 30 day no contact rule on your ex boyfriend and around day 4 or 5 he messages you and asks if he can get his things back from your place.
The inevitability of a couple exchanging things when together is very high so it makes sense that if things were exchanged he would want them back.
Are you allowed to break the no contact rule in this case?
Simply put, yes you are.
But what if your ex boyfriend has things of yours that you want back?
Should you break the no contact rule and ask for those things back?
What does it depend on?
What things your ex boyfriend has of yours.
Let me give you two examples.
Lets pretend that you left your prized ring at your ex boyfriends house. This is the ring that your father gave you before he passed away so it holds a lot of sentimental value to you.
Now lets say that you left a tooth bush at your ex boyfriends house. There isn’t anything special about this tooth brush it’s just a normal tooth brush that you could get at any grocery store.
So, here is my question to you.
Out of these two examples what is worth breaking the no contact rule over?
A prized ring given to you by your father who has passed away?
A tooth brush…
The prized ring, right?
The more important the possession is to you the more you can break the no contact rule. However, if you have just left some clothes or toiletries over at your exes you shouldn’t bother breaking the no contact rule to get them.
You can totally live without them.
Besides, you will get them back when you get back with him 😉 .
Situation Three: If You Have Kids Together
It’s kind of hard to ignore your ex significant other when you have kids together.
I mean, it’s amazing how these two little versions of you and your ex can bring about conversations after a breakup.
But how does the no contact rule fit into this?
Can you even do the no contact rule?
The answer is yes but you are going to have to make some obvious adjustments for the kiddos.
How can I put this?
Ok, I know.
I want you to start the no contact rule with no adjustments at all. In other words, I want you to embark on the no contact rule the same way most everyone else would. HOWEVER, you will have to make one tiny little adjustment.
If your ex brings up the kids (or you are forced to bring them up) you can break the no contact rule for that.
But that’s it…
You can only break no contact for that one type of interaction.
In other words, if you get a text like this,
You are absolutely allowed to break NC and respond to it but you want to keep the interaction ONLY about the kids.
So, if you get a text like this,
Then you aren’t allowed to break NC.
Do you see the difference now?
Let’s move on and talk about the true purpose of no contact.
The True Purpose Of NC
This is something that I haven’t talked a lot about here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery….
Well, actually that’s not true.
I HAVE talked about it quite a bit but I haven’t ever really put the pieces together for you all in one place.
That ends today obviously.
So, what is the true purpose of the no contact rule?
On instinct most women guess that it’s to get their exes back and while the no contact rule can certainly be used for that there is another purpose of the no contact rule that hardly ever gets talked about.
I want you to think about something for a moment.
This website is called Ex Boyfriend Recovery.
That’s a very telling name, isn’t it?
The truth is that when I first started this website I really only focused on helping women get back with their exes but as I gained more and more experience and credibility I learned something interesting. Sometimes the best way to get an ex back isn’t just to focus on getting him back but to focus your energies inward.
Hence, the “recovery” part of Ex Boyfriend Recovery really has two meanings.
Meaning One: Recovery means to recover your ex or to get him back.
Meaning Two: Recovery means to recover from the breakup. To truly be happy on the inside instead of depressed and sad.
Well, the no contact rule works in this way.
Yes, it is a strategy that is meant to get your ex back but think about the time frame of the no contact rule.
In many cases you are going to be waiting a full month before you can actively have a talk with your ex boyfriend.
You know what this means right?
It means that you have a month of preparation to turn yourself into the best version of yourself and by doing that you will be actively working to get over the pain of the breakup. Look, I am not going to presume to know your entire situation with your ex like the back of my hand but I will tell you one thing.
Winning a man back from a place of depression is a lot harder than trying to win him back from a place of happiness which is why I recommend self improvement during the no contact rule.
You (Version 2.0)
The best way to get over the pain you are feeling is to focus on the things that you have control over.
Do you have control over your ex boyfriend?
Do you have control over yourself?
So, lets focus on that.
Right off the bat we know that we have 21 – 45 days before we have to talk to your ex so lets not just sit on our hands here during this time frame. Lets do something that will actively increase your chances of winning him back AND help you get over that sinking feeling in your gut that you are feeling right now.
So, what I want to do now is show you something that I have never shown anyone before.
I am going to call it…
The No Contact Role Play
The no contact role play is simple.
We are going to go through the no contact rule from start to finish and show you what you are supposed to do every step of the way using a fake character that I am about to create.
Are you ready?
Ok then, I would like to introduce you to Virginia.
Virginia is a 24 year old girl who has just broken up with her boyfriend of a year. The boyfriend stated that he just didn’t feel love for her anymore and that she wasn’t giving him the attention that he thought he deserved.
(Side Note: Virginia is a FAKE character that I just made up to illustrate a point.)
So, the first thing that Virginia is going to want to do is to determine which no contact rule time frame is best for her.
What No Contact Time Frame Is Best For Virginia?
After much thought and deliberation Virginia has decided that she wants to embark on a 30 day no contact rule since she thinks that will give her ex enough time to miss her and give HER enough time to change her image completely.
Ah yes, the self improvement plan.
How Can Virginia Improve Herself During This 30 Day Period?
There are a lot of ways that Virgina can improve herself during the 30 day no contact period.
Specifically here are some of the things that she wants to do,
- Get in the best shape of her life
- Read a book
- Learn some new things (salsa dancing, cooking class, learn another language)
- Redo wardrobe
- Educate herself about the world
- Get out more by socializing with friends and family
The No Contact Calendar
What I am about to do now is something that I have never done here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery but I think it will be extremely helpful for you to see HOW the no contact rule will look from a birds eye view.
Above we established two things.
Thing One: Virginia is doing a 30 day rule
Thing Two: What Virginia is going to do during the 30 day rule.
But how are these things implemented?
What do they look like?
Like I said above, I am going to be answering those questions today but I am going to be doing so in a very unique way.
I am going to be using a calendar to demonstrate what a perfect no contact rule looks like.
To be honest I don’t think there is much more set up that I can use for this so I am just going to dive right in.
Take a look at the graphic below for me,
Now, I do know that a lot of you are using phones to read this article so hopefully you can see the calendar above because it’s kind of important.
Basically this is what a birds eye view of the no contact rule looks like.
You will notice that there are 30 days on this calendar and under each of the 30 days are little items ranging from workouts to learning a new language.
You remember how Virginia wanted to improve during the no contact rule, right?
Well, all the things she wanted to improve on are found here.
Getting in incredible shape…
Reading a book…
Learning a language…
Revamping her wardrobe…
Learning about the world…
All of it can be found on this calendar.
Oh, also take notice on how every single day during this 30 day no contact period is jam packed with stuff to do. The idea is to fill up your own personal calendar so much that you don’t even have time to text an ex. Heck, you don’t even have time to think about him.
Of course, then there is the fact that every action found on the calendar serves one purpose, to help you become the best version of yourself.