The No Contact Rule (Version 2.0)

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

It’s been a while since I’ve written about the no contact rule so I figured now was a good time for me to update you on my philosophy regarding it. You see, one of my greatest fears for this website is that it gets out of date.

I don’t want this to be one of those websites that is a flash in the pan. You know, the kind of website that has really good content for a few years and then all of a sudden just falls off the map. Nope, I want this website to always stay up to date and in tune with it’s audience.

As a result, I am always updating my philosophy on things.

You can see that I have done that here and here.

If there is one constant in this life it’s change and this website is no different. So, as my thoughts on things change. Ex Boyfriend Recovery will change as well to reflect them.

Why is this so important?

Well, I already explained that it keeps the website up to date but as time moves on and I formulate more and more game plans for women and I see more situations I become better and better at helping people get their exes back.

If you take my knowledge today and compare it to the knowledge I had when I first started this little website it’s like night and day.

Anyways, you are probably getting tired of me talking so lets dive right in to the new way of looking at the no contact rule.

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What Is The No Contact Rule?

what is it precious

Ah what a great question.

The no contact rule is without a doubt one of the most important strategies that you can employ to get your ex boyfriend back.

When you look at the big picture of the overall strategy of getting a boyfriend back you can generally divide the strategy into three separate parts.

  1. Before No Contact
  2. During No Contact
  3. After No Contact

Before No Contact

This is usually the time where you are desperate to get your ex boyfriend back and you make every mistake in the book. I am talking about mistakes like becoming a GNAT, having him perceive you a desperate and coming off as super needy.

It is also during this time that most women stumble upon Ex Boyfriend Recovery and actually learn about the no contact rule.

During No Contact

This is the period of time when you are actually implementing the no contact rule on your ex boyfriend.

To be honest there isn’t much more that I can say that can fill this section out.

If you are in NC then you are in the “During No Contact” time frame.

After No Contact

Yup, you guessed it!

Basically this is the period of time from when the no contact rule ends to when you get your ex boyfriend back (if you do end up getting him back)

So, what is the point of me even telling you all of this? Well, generally women who decide that they do want to get their ex boyfriends back AND use the no contact rule to do so will spend half of their strategy in the no contact rule and half of their strategy outside the no contact rule.

My point?

If the no contact rule is going to eat up half of your overall strategy to get your ex boyfriend back then it’s kind of a big deal and you should fully grasp it.

Wait…

Hahahahaha…

I just realized I haven’t even fully explained what the no contact rule.

The No Contact Rule Explained

let me sum up

This isn’t as complicated as people make it out to be.

When someone says the words “No Contact” what is the first thing that pops into your head?

No = Not Any (I actually looked in the dictionary for that definition 😉 .)

Contact = A meeting, communication or relationship with someone.

So, if “No” means not any and “Contact” means meeting, communication or relationships then combining the two would basically mean,

No Contact- Not any meetings, communication or relationships with someone.

Could that be accurate to what the no contact rule is?

Actually…

That is entirely accurate.

Basically the no contact rule is a period of time where you aren’t going to have any meetings, relationships or communications with a certain someone. Of course, that certain someone is going to be your ex boyfriend.

Now, can you pick out the key of the sentence above?

It’s when I said “a period of time.”

I want to make this as clear as possible because I get so many women who make this mistake.

The no contact rule isn’t meant to be forever or until your ex boyfriend comes crawling back. It’s only meant to be for a certain amount of time and that’s it. In other words, once that time frame is up your no contact rule ends immediately and you start to go on the offensive to get your boyfriend back.

What The Purpose Of The No Contact Rule Is (The Effect It Has On Men)

purpose

Lets talk about the purpose of the no contact rule.

Above I explained what the no contact rule is but I didn’t explain what it does.

Hmm…

Perhaps I need to explain this a little better.

Basically this section is all about the effect that the no contact has on men.

However, in order for me to properly explain this effect we are going to have to do a little role playing.

What’s this role play over?

Well, lets pretend that you are implementing the no contact rule on your ex boyfriend and things are going well. What I would like to do is explain why things are going well. In other words, I want to explain the effect no contact is having on your ex.

Get it now?

Ok, lets begin.

What Happens To A Man When The No Contact Works

Before I dive in to this I think it’s my duty to explain what the no contact rule working actually looks like.

(Ready for the role play 😉 .)

Ok,  lets say that you decide that you want to do the no contact rule on your ex. After much thought you determine that you want to do the 30 day rule so that means for the next thirty days you are going to be ignoring your ex in every shape or form possible.

Around day 3 your ex boyfriend ends up texting you something like,

hey

Ok, while that little “hey” message he sends you is pretty generic it’s a positive start.

Of course, since you are in the no contact rule you cannot break your silence so you do the smart thing and continue ignoring him.

Your ex, being the persistent man he is decides to continue texting your throughout your no contact period until you finally end up with a message like this,

are you getting these

Another good sign.

It looks like your ex is starting to get annoyed that you are ignoring him. Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if he reached out to you accusing you of ignoring him on purpose (which you totally are.)

Of course, as time goes on within the 30 day time frame he begins to soften up and eventually starts sending text messages like,

miss you

Hmm…

I think it’s safe to say that the no contact rule is having the effect on him that you were hoping.

In other words, IT’S WORKING!

But why?

What is happening inside the head of a man where the no contact rule is working?

Allow me to explain!

What Is Going On Inside The Mind Of A Man During A Successful No Contact Rule

going on

In order to understand what is going on inside the mind of a man during a successful no contact rule you need to understand a bit about the way humans are.

I want you to imagine two children playing at the park.

One child is playing with a toy in a sandbox while the other child is playing with a toy as well. The two children have been best friends for a very long time and are talking to each other. All of a sudden one child gets upset with the other one and decides to ignore the other child.

What do you think happens?

Well, the one child that is getting ignored probably is going to go crazy trying to get acknowledged.

Get it?

No?

Ok, how can I put this in an even better way.

Oh I got it!

What does a baby do when a mother starts to ignore it?

The baby starts to cry, right?

Why?

Probably because the baby is trying to get attention from the mother.

In fact, a famous experiment was done to illustrate this point.

It’s called the “still face” experiment. It basically consists of having a mother sit in front of a baby and start blankly at the baby with a still face.

What do you think happens?

Find out for yourself by watching the video below,

Pretty crazy, right?

Basically the baby went berserk trying to get the mothers attention when the mother went still.

In a weird way I think this is happening inside men when they are ignored via the no contact rule.

Women are always commenting that they don’t know why their ex boyfriend is reacting so crazily during the no contact rule. Well, this is actually why.

No one likes to be ignored.

(Even babies.)

But did you notice what happened with the baby when the mother went from being “still” to being loving again?

All of a sudden all was right in the world.

The baby stopped crying and starting smiling again.

I have found that this same effect happens after the no contact rule is lifted on an ex.

So, for those women who are worried that the no contact rule may be too harsh on their exes and that their exes will hold a grudge for the rest of their life I have two things to tell you.

  1. From what I have seen from women who use the no contact rule it is rare for a man to hold a grudge.
  2. Why would you want to be with a man who would hold a grudge over something so trivial?

Now, another thing you may be wondering is why some men react sweetly during the no contact rule and some men react in a negative way.

Again, I would like to point to the “still experiment” above.

Notice how when the mother first starts ignoring her baby the baby doesn’t cry or throw a tantrum.

The baby smiles…

It smiles because it assumes that the mother will mirror the smile.

It is only after half a minute of stillness that the baby starts to cry.

The same can be said about men who are nice during NC and mean who are a tad mean during it.

Some men determine that the best way to stop from being ignored by you is to be nice to you. To send you those sweet text messages saying “I miss you…” while others tend to get nasty

My 3 Versions Of The No Contact Rule

three

Lets talk about time.

More specifically, how much time you are supposed to spend in the no contact rule. I know I have said this a lot throughout this site but I am going to say it again because it’s that important.

Experts seem to be completely split when it comes to how long the no contact rule should be for.

Some will swear by the 30 day rule while others swear by the 90 day rule.

So, what’s the right answer?

What’s the right amount of time?

Well, it depends…

I know that’s probably not what you want to hear but the truth is that your ex boyfriend is unique. He is unlike anyone else walking this earth and that means that the no contact rule will have to be shaped to him.

Before I used to be under the impression that the 30 day no contact rule was the way to go.

However, as I have gotten more and more experience my mind has changed a little bit. In my opinion, there are three optimum no contact times and which one you choose to use will depend entirely on your situation.

What are the time frames?

  1. 21 days
  2. 30 days
  3. 45 days

Notice how none of the time frames are crazy like 60 days or 90 days.

Why do you think that is?

Truth be told it’s all about habits.

How Habits Play A Role

Now I know what you are thinking.

What the heck do habits have to do with anything?

Perhaps I can put this in a way so that you will understand.

How long does it take to perform a habit?

Do you get it yet?

No?

Ok, how bout this one,

How long does it take to get rid of a habit?

Well, let me save you the trip to Google (in fact, if you look it up on Google you will get a wrong answer.)

Fun story.

I went to Google to research this and this is what I was greeted with,

Screen Shot 2015-08-24 at 12.40.34 PM

So, it takes 21 days to break a habit, right?

WRONG!

Upon further research that 21 days to make or break a habit thing is a myth. In actuality it really takes around 66 days to break a habit.

So, with this in mind we don’t want any no contact rule to be longer than 66 days.

Why?

Well, lets imagine that you were to do a 90 day no contact rule on your ex boyfriend. That’s three whole months without talking to him. Assuming that it took him 66 days to get out of the habit of talking to you that would mean that a 90 day rule would far exceed that 66 day habit rule.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is that if your no contact rule is longer than 66 days then you run the risk of having an ex boyfriend be over you and if he completely is over you by that point then it makes getting him back that much harder.

You will notice that the three time frames that we are focused in on here are all below 60 days.

Well, now you know why.

We don’t want to run the risk of having your ex boyfriend get out of the habit of thinking about you.

But that still doesn’t help us determine which of the three rules is best for you, does it?

Well, allow me to dive in a bit deeper for you.

The 21 Day Rule

For those of you seeing the 21 day rule and celebrating don’t get too excited yet. Generally speaking the sweet spot in no contact is right around the 30 day period. In other words, the vast majority of situations are going to fall under it.

However, lets say that you have a really good chance to get your ex back and you know in your heart that your situation is conducive to success.

(You can go here to find that out.)

Well, if that’s the case then I would say you can get away with the 21 day no contact rule.

BUT BEWARE…

For those of you women who are just trying to cut down on the time it takes to get an ex boyfriend back this isn’t going to help your chances.

Remember, the only ones who should be allowed to use this no contact rule are the women with really good chances of getting an ex boyfriend back.

The 30 Day Rule

This is the sweet spot for the no contact rule.

Pretty much every situation you can think of will fall into the 30 day time frame.

  • If he broke up with you…
  • If you broke up with him…
  • If you had a massive fight…
  • If you cheated…
  • If he cheated…
  • The list goes on and on.

Basically I want you to be doing the 30 day rule 90% of the time.

The rest of the 10%?

Well, lets just say that they are either going to be in the 21 day rule or the 45 day rule below.

The 45 Day Rule

This is the longest no contact rule that I am willing to recommend.

Anything longer than 45 days is too much.

Now, this begs the question.

In what instance should you use the 45 day rule?

Here is the interesting thing. I used to think that situations where you cheated on an ex or did something horrible like that would be ideal for the 45 day rule but as I have seen more and more women embark on the rule in those instances I have found that more time tends to be more negative.

So, that’s why I cut cheating down to the 30 day rule since it has more success there.

The 45 day rule should be used in only one circumstance.

The Circumstance- Where you have annoyed your boyfriend to the MAX. In other words, you have become a GNAT to him.

Basically, the more time that goes by without you re-exhibiting the behavior the better because he will stop looking at you as a GNAT and you will have a better chance of getting him back.

The Instances Where You Can Break The No Contact Rule

break time

Now that you have a pretty good idea of what the no contact rule is lets talk about some of the wrinkles about it that none of the experts really touch on out there.

Specifically the situations where you are allowed to break the no contact rule.

Now, I want to preface this section by saying that I am not going to go as in-depth here as you like.

Why?

Because I have already written an uber in-depth article about how to handle just about every situation during the no contact rule.

Nevertheless, I am going to add some new situations that I have covered in that article here.

So buckle up!

Lets get this party started.

Situation One: If He Asks You To Be His Girlfriend Again

I want to tell you a little story about a girl named Jane.

For the record Jane is totally made up but her made up story based on real life is going to help me prove a point.

So Jane is using the no contact rule on her ex boyfriend in an attempt to get him back.

Here is the thing about Jane.

When she reads advice on something she takes it very literally. When she read my advice about the no contact rule and how you can’t break it for anything she didn’t realize that, that wasn’t exactly true. So, when the no contact rule starts affecting her ex in a positive way so much so that he decides that he wants to ask her to be back together she completely ignores him.

In other words, when he sends her a text message like this during no contact,

get back together

She completely ignores it and continues on with no contact.

…..

IS SHE CRAZY???

One of the biggest reasons you do the no contact rule is so that you can get your ex boyfriend back so when that fantasy becomes a reality it’s ok to break no contact for that.

Situation Two: Exchanging Things

Lets say that you are using a 30 day no contact rule on your ex boyfriend and around day 4 or 5 he messages you and asks if he can get his things back from your place.

The inevitability of a couple exchanging things when together is very high so it makes sense that if things were exchanged he would want them back.

Are you allowed to break the no contact rule in this case?

Simply put, yes you are.

But what if your ex boyfriend has things of yours that you want back?

Should you break the no contact rule and ask for those things back?

Hmm…

It depends…

What does it depend on?

What things your ex boyfriend has of yours.

Let me give you two examples.

Example One

Lets pretend that you left your prized ring at your ex boyfriends house. This is the ring that your father gave you before he passed away so it holds a lot of sentimental value to you.

Example Two

Now lets say that you left a tooth bush at your ex boyfriends house. There isn’t anything special about this tooth brush it’s just a normal tooth brush that you could get at any grocery store.

So, here is my question to you.

Out of these two examples what is worth breaking the no contact rule over?

A prized ring given to you by your father who has passed away?

OR

A tooth brush…

The prized ring, right?

The more important the possession is to you the more you can break the no contact rule. However, if you have just left some clothes or toiletries over at your exes you shouldn’t bother breaking the no contact rule to get them.

You can totally live without them.

Besides, you will get them back when you get back with him 😉 .

Situation Three: If You Have Kids Together

It’s kind of hard to ignore your ex significant other when you have kids together.

I mean, it’s amazing how these two little versions of you and your ex can bring about conversations after a breakup.

But how does the no contact rule fit into this?

Can you even do the no contact rule?

The answer is yes but you are going to have to make some obvious adjustments for the kiddos.

How can I put this?

Hmm…

Ok, I know.

I want you to start the no contact rule with no adjustments at all. In other words, I want you to embark on the no contact rule the same way most everyone else would. HOWEVER, you will have to make one tiny little adjustment.

If your ex brings up the kids (or you are forced to bring them up) you can break the no contact rule for that.

But that’s it…

You can only break no contact for that one type of interaction.

In other words, if you get a text like this,

tj

You are absolutely allowed to break NC and respond to it but you want to keep the interaction ONLY about the kids.

So, if you get a text like this,

day

Then you aren’t allowed to break NC.

Do you see the difference now?

Good!

Let’s move on and talk about the true purpose of no contact.

The True Purpose Of NC

true story

This is something that I haven’t talked a lot about here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery….

Well, actually that’s not true.

I HAVE talked about it quite a bit but I haven’t ever really put the pieces together for you all in one place.

That ends today obviously.

So, what is the true purpose of the no contact rule?

On instinct most women guess that it’s to get their exes back and while the no contact rule can certainly be used for that there is another purpose of the no contact rule that hardly ever gets talked about.

I want you to think about something for a moment.

This website is called Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

That’s a very telling name, isn’t it?

The truth is that when I first started this website I really only focused on helping women get back with their exes but as I gained more and more experience and credibility I learned something interesting. Sometimes the best way to get an ex back isn’t just to focus on getting him back but to focus your energies inward.

Hence, the “recovery” part of Ex Boyfriend Recovery really has two meanings.

Meaning One: Recovery means to recover your ex or to get him back.

Meaning Two: Recovery means to recover from the breakup. To truly be happy on the inside instead of depressed and sad.

Well, the no contact rule works in this way.

Yes, it is a strategy that is meant to get your ex back but think about the time frame of the no contact rule.

In many cases you are going to be waiting a full month before you can actively have a talk with your ex boyfriend.

You know what this means right?

It means that you have a month of preparation to turn yourself into the best version of yourself and by doing that you will be actively working to get over the pain of the breakup. Look, I am not going to presume to know your entire situation with your ex like the back of my hand but I will tell you one thing.

Winning a man back from a place of depression is a lot harder than trying to win him back from a place of happiness which is why I recommend self improvement during the no contact rule.

You (Version 2.0)

improvement

The best way to get over the pain you are feeling is to focus on the things that you have control over.

Do you have control over your ex boyfriend?

No?

Do you have control over yourself?

YES!

So, lets focus on that.

Right off the bat we know that we have 21 – 45 days before we have to talk to your ex so lets not just sit on our hands here during this time frame. Lets do something that will actively increase your chances of winning him back AND help you get over that sinking feeling in your gut that you are feeling right now.

So, what I want to do now is show you something that I have never shown anyone before.

I am going to call it…

The No Contact Role Play

The no contact role play is simple.

We are going to go through the no contact rule from start to finish and show you what you are supposed to do every step of the way using a fake character that I am about to create.

Are you ready?

Yes?

Ok then, I would like to introduce you to Virginia.

Virginia is a 24 year old girl who has just broken up with her boyfriend of a year. The boyfriend stated that he just didn’t feel love for her anymore and that she wasn’t giving him the attention that he thought he deserved.

(Side Note: Virginia is a FAKE character that I just made up to illustrate a point.)

So, the first thing that Virginia is going to want to do is to determine which no contact rule time frame is best for her.

What No Contact Time Frame Is Best For Virginia?

After much thought and deliberation Virginia has decided that she wants to embark on a 30 day no contact rule since she thinks that will give her ex enough time to miss her and give HER enough time to change her image completely.

What’s next?

Ah yes, the self improvement plan.

How Can Virginia Improve Herself During This 30 Day Period?

There are a lot of ways that Virgina can improve herself during the 30 day no contact period.

Specifically here are some of the things that she wants to do,

  • Get in the best shape of her life
  • Read a book
  • Learn some new things (salsa dancing, cooking class, learn another language)
  • Redo wardrobe
  • Educate herself about the world
  • Get out more by socializing with friends and family

The No Contact Calendar

What I am about to do now is something that I have never done here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery but I think it will be extremely helpful for you to see HOW the no contact rule will look from a birds eye view.

Above we established two things.

Thing One: Virginia is doing a 30 day rule

Thing Two: What Virginia is going to do during the 30 day rule.

But how are these things implemented?

What do they look like?

Like I said above, I am going to be answering those questions today but I am going to be doing so in a very unique way.

I am going to be using a calendar to demonstrate what a perfect no contact rule looks like.

To be honest I don’t think there is much more set up that I can use for this so I am just going to dive right in.

Take a look at the graphic below for me,

nc calendar

Now, I do know that a lot of you are using phones to read this article so hopefully you can see the calendar above because it’s kind of important.

Basically this is what a birds eye view of the no contact rule looks like.

You will notice that there are 30 days on this calendar and under each of the 30 days are little items ranging from workouts to learning a new language.

Sound familiar?

You remember how Virginia wanted to improve during the no contact rule, right?

Well, all the things she wanted to improve on are found here.

Cooking class…

Salsa dancing…

Getting in incredible shape…

Reading a book…

Learning a language…

Revamping her wardrobe…

Learning about the world…

Socializing…

All of it can be found on this calendar.

Oh, also take notice on how every single day during this 30 day no contact period is jam packed with stuff to do. The idea is to fill up your own personal calendar so much that you don’t even have time to text an ex. Heck, you don’t even have time to think about him.

Of course, then there is the fact that every action found on the calendar serves one purpose, to help you become the best version of yourself.

 

February 1, 2017

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

With over 7 million women just like you coming to this site ever year, I’ve seen about every situation you could imagine. Most of the time, I can just ask a few questions about your situation and know in seconds the chances that you have of getting back together with him. I’ve compressed all of that wisdom into a single calculator What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back.

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What Do You Think? (813)

  1. Laura - 0

    Laura

    I am currently doing the no contact rule which will be over in a week but i mentioned my ex and a few of my friends in a facebook comment do i need to start over?

    Reply
  2. Laura - 0

    Laura

    I’m currently doing the no contact rule it will be over in about a week. I mentioned my ex in a comment on facebook with a few of my other friends do i have to start all over?

    Reply
  3. Christina - 0

    Christina

    I met this guy online, we talked for a month and a half before we met. The night we met and for 6 weeks after that, we spent every night and day together…except when we were working or when I went away for 5 days. Since the day we met face to face, he always had to have physical contact with me….to the point where his hands would look for me while he was sleeping. We used to sit on my couch and just kiss and star into each other’s eyes. He said more than one time, “how did we get this far, this fast?” His last day with me he was 5 hours late to work and acted like he didn’t want to leave me. He texted me till I went to sleep, he had gone out with his buddies for a bday. I didn’t hear from him and started to get worried, I started texting him. After the 4th day I sent a text asking if he was ghosting me, what did he want me to do with his stuff. He said toss it. A week later, I’d texted him angrily a couple times…he responded and told me to move on and that he had, as well aswhat we both want is diametrically opposite. He didn’t text after that. I miss him. I don’t know if I’m blocked or he’s just ignoring me. My last texts to him were a week ago telling him I forgave him and missed him and all his perfect imperfections. No response. But I didn’t expect one as I thought I was/am blocked. WHat do I do?

    Reply
  4. Libby - 0

    Libby

    I’m on day 4 of no contact and I was just wondering about something. Me and my ex have always talked primarily through Facebook messenger. If he sends me messages, should I open them (meaning he can see that I’ve read the message) and not respond, or should I just leave them unopened (so he can’t gauge whether or not I’ve actually read them, only assume). I’ll still be active on Facebook and post stuff on ‘My Day’ on messenger (which he looks at) so he will know I’ve been on the app and that ive probably seen the message and just not opened it. Thank you

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      it’s ok whatever you choose just don’t reply.. if you want, use a third party app that lets you read the message without letting him knows that you’ve seen it.

  5. M - 0

    M

    So I started the 30 day no contact rule a couple of months ago because he ghosted me. It worked with all your advice. He came back to me but only for a week or so. He had initiated contact. We got physical agian and then he ghosted me again right after. I sent him three texts with no response. I’m on the 45 day no contact rule now (2 weeks in). I bumped into him once already but I pretended like I didn’t see him. Is this what I should do? How do I initiate contact after 45 days? Why is he doing this? It’s so hard and confusing. Sorry if I posted this twice. I use couldn’t find it so I tried to post it again.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      you can still use the usual first contact message, just don’t sleep with him right away. take this as a restart and take it slow in building rapport.

    • M - 0

      M

      What should I do if I need to contact him for work purposes before the no contact rule is over?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      that’s ok.. just keep it about the work only.

    • M - 0

      M

      Okay, so now by doing nc with him and following the ungettable girl guide.. I’ve now got a fellow college of his interested in me and he gave me his number. I don’t know what to do now. I don’t think his college knows we were together. Do I give him my number. I don’t want to look like I don’t like my nc guy anymore and look like I’m going after his friend but I want him to see the competition. Maybe they’ll talk about me? And the original guy will see how ungettable I am? Maybe I should tell the new guy I just want to be friends? Maybe I should ghost his friend and it’ll get back to him. I don’t want to seem like a s**t.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Did you give your number?

  6. Anya - 0

    Anya

    So, I started the no contact rule about 10 days ago, but there is a problem. Me and my ex had a cat together, that was going to be mine after the breakup. Now she is sick (the cat) and I have to negotiate this with my ex, as the cat is still living at his. It looks like she isn’t going to make it and I’ve had to message my ex a lot about coming round to check on her, giving her meds and whether he would like to say goodbye before I take her to the vets. I have only spoken to him about the cat and he has been minimal and neutral in his answers. Should I count this as no contact or start no contact after this is over?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      nope, as long as you only talk about the cat..

  7. alexis - 0

    alexis

    my ex dumped me almost 3 months ago but we had to live together after the BU (i have now moved out since). we maintained a roommate relationship during those months but i still had moments of anger and depression and became a GNAT once or twice. i know i definitely annoyed him when i lashed out. we have a child together so can i still use the adjusted NC rule, even if its a few months after the actual BU?

    Reply
  8. Mystic - 0

    Mystic

    Things were pretty intense last night with my male friend. We’ve told each other we love each other, he says he wants to wake up next to me and that he wants me to be his soul mate. He asked me what I’d say if he asked me to marry him.
    So after being so close last night ( no we weren’t having sex) I wake up to a text from him saying that last night scared him and he needs “to behave a little bit”. Should I do no contact on his ass? If so, for how long?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Mystic,

      I think you need to pull away a little bit.. just two weeks of nc

  9. Rasa - 0

    Rasa

    My boyfriend and I have been broken up for 3 weeks. Only together a few months, no major problems, but we’re both highly sensitive, were stressed out, and basically had a bunch of small miscommunications that led to him breaking up with me. He says it was too fast and him, not me… yeah right! But, my mind has jumped to a thousand reasons, of course, one of which could be he isn’t over his previous gf… who is dating someone new. Night of the breakup, I asked about a later future (should not have done that….) and he said yes. Since then, we have stayed in contact every 3-7 days; he texts me first (inside jokes, happy job news, etc) and I respond, but keep it ultra light and short. The two times we’ve seen each other there is chemistry and the first time he hugged me really tightly for a long time, kissed me on the cheek on the way out of the hug, stared in my eyes and smiled like when we first were dating. Second time was in public and around my kid, so super friendly but no PDA. Should I do NC at this point or should I just keep up the pleasant banter? I don’t want to be in the friend zone (though, I would consider that much later if things don’t work), but I don’t want to discourage the positive energy which is basically the goal of NC… Also, if I do NC, what to do about read receipts? The mode of communication we use does not allow me to turn them off.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Rasa,

      I think you should keep seeing him, maybe for another two weeks. If he still doesn’t ask for you back, do nc.

  10. Kyp - 0

    Kyp

    So a couple days before I sent that text (after nc) I noticed he had this post about him and her fighting. Well I was originally going to text that day but after seeing it I figured it wasn’t the right time. So I sent it a couple days later. Again no I didn’t get a response but throughout this week it seems like he was posting some of the same stuff as me. Even going to a couple of pages he knows I follow ,but he doesn’t, and shared from there. Normally I don’t pay attention to what people post but something I’ve noticed about him is that he tends to communicate through posts which is the only reason why I say anything at all. A couple days ago I noticed he had a couple strange posts. One mentioned about not having to be mad all the time. I wondered if it was aimed at me cause again that’s how he communicates and it seemed like a strange one to post and I was mad a lot at the end of our relationship and the other was one that with how it was worded made me wonder if he was having a rough day. Later on in the day I saw that he shared a video I posted. I’m not trying to make something out of nothing I’m really not but again that is how he communicates I’ve noticed. I know it wasn’t aimed at her cause he would find something with “bae” in it and I know it wasn’t about him so it made me wonder if it could have been aimed at me. If so why did he share my stuff hours later?

    I started thinking about why he might not respond to texts and my mom told me it might be because I accidentally challenged something he said once. I totally didn’t mean to I really didn’t but I was still very emotional and upset by the breakup it just slipped out. Now she thinks he might not know how to talk to me. As I said I didn’t mean to it was an accident but how do I get him to trust talking to me again? I’ve wanted to take the posts as a good sign that maybe I’m sorta getting through to him but I don’t know.
    What do I do to get him to talk and trust me?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      yes, it’s a good sign but dont react it if you want him to communicate better with texts. Just initiate fun conversations.. because if he noticed that you’re looking at his posts and it affects you, he’ll use posts more than talking to you

  11. Kyp - 0

    Kyp

    Something I have noticed after I sent that text (after the nc) is there’s been a few times where he’s shared some things that I’ve posted. No he still hasn’t texted back but he has been doing stuff on facebook. Normally I wouldn’t think too much of this but something I’ve learned being with him for 3 years is that he tends to communicate through posts. Awhile back he posted this one negative one towards his new girlfriend and she didn’t take kindly to it. Yesterday he had a couple of weird ones. One seemed to be him maybe hating himself (just because how dark it was and how it was phrased) and the other I wondered if it was supposed to be aimed at me because it had to do with being mad all the time and towards the end of our relationship I was. Hours later I noticed he shared a video I posted. I’m not trying to look too much into things but as I said I’ve come to learn that he does tend to communicate through posts so that’s why I’ve been looking to see what he posts.
    Just a few days ago too he had this post that was basically telling people they had been fighting and he was letting friends read the messages. So I don’t know what to think about this. I don’t know if the no contact did anything with him or not

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      yes, it’s a good sign but dont react it if you want him to communicate better with texts. Just initiate fun conversations.. because if he noticed that you’re looking at his posts and it affects you, he’ll use posts more than talking to you

  12. ToriAnn R Manning - 0

    ToriAnn R Manning

    Hello im on day 20 of no contact and my ex has tried to reach me 3 times 1 via text and 2 via fb messenger asking me to block him to help him move on what should i do?

    Reply
  13. ToriAnn R Manning - 0

    ToriAnn R Manning

    My ex keeps texting and sending my fb messages asking me to block him on facebook to help him move on what should i do?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Tori,

      Ignore it..

    • ToriAnn R Manning - 0

      ToriAnn R Manning

      I did as you said and . he lashed out texting me saying ” I guess u not caring about doing me this solid to help me move on” I didn’t reply. I’m just having a hard time understanding why hes acting this way.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      that’s normal.. let him be.. the ony reasons you can break nc is if he asks to get back together or to only talk about important things, like if you have kids.. but only talk about that..other than that just ignore

  14. Lina - 0

    Lina

    Apologies as I have posted this message yesterday but I can’t find it anymore. I broke up with my boyfriend of 1 year a month ago. We were in a LDR with no end in sight and although our relationship was great and he treated me very well, he never revealed his feelings to me and I started to feel taken for granted and a little insecure towards the end. I decided to end it when he refused to acknowledge the facts and talk about the future. He took it very badly but we were both grown-up about it and we agreed to remain friends. I immediately went into NC but he contacted me after 10 days, said he missed me and begged me to try again ( he is very proud by nature and must have needed all the courage in the world to say those words) but I stood firm on my decision. I told him that everything was said between us and we just need to accept the reality. He was hurt and hasn’t contacted me since. But since then I’ve been a wreck and missed him terribly so I reached out to him twice within the space of a week. I didn’t ask him back but said I missed him. He said he missed me too but he wasn’t the one breaking up with me, it was my decision. I took that as a small hint that he is moving on and I should leave him alone so I went back to NC and haven’t spoken to him in a week. I have since been focusing on my social life, going out with my friends. Traveling and posting pics on social media (he liked some of them, not the ones of me but general stuff) . I do love him and want to give us another chance but I need him to admit that things must change and he needs to make more effort s to win me back. He is a great guy and we are very compatible on many levels. The chemistry between us is awesome and I know he will find it hard to replace me. For info I have broken up with him once early on in the relationship but ended up reaching to him and took him back 3 weeks later so he is probably thinking I would do the same thing again except I won’t. What can I do? Continue the NC until he reaches out? When can I contact him and what do I say? What if he moved on in the meantime?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi lina,

      yes, do 30 days and then after, just be friendly.Build rapport and attraction slowly. Dont ask to get back together.

  15. Kyp - 0

    Kyp

    My ex is in a rebound and I’ve just finished the no contact part but when I sent the first text he didn’t respond. Could it be because he is in a rebound? They haven’t been together that long and already they’ve apparently been fighting and he’s been making weird posts about their issues on facebook. I don’t really know what to think. Does this hurt my chance to get him back?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Kyp,

      what was the text you sent?

    • Kyp - 0

      Kyp

      Well I heard to keep it simple and lighthearted so all I put was this. Hi dusty I just saw something that reminded me of you and it made me smile

    • Kyp - 0

      Kyp

      During the nc he didn’t text but he did come to my work and he made sure to walk right next to the area where he knows I am while she was with him. One night he also liked one of my pictures I posted.

      It was either yesterday or the day before we were both on facebook at one point and he was posting stuff that he should remember that I like. At one point he even shared the same post as me and shared something from a page he knows I follow but he doesn’t. I’m just really confused

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      initiate again after a week. Use a topic of his interest. During the week go back to being active and in posting too

  16. S - 0

    S

    Hi,
    I met my bf on early June 2015, start the relationship on Sept 2015 and he broke up with me on Feb 4th 2017.
    During the relationship, we did great time together, travelling together, support each other, and we have discussed about married this year.
    Lately, we fought often at least once a month. Last fought, he is very angry and said that i am not grateful with all he had done for me.
    After the break up, i am still begging and pleading, but he said he is leaving and we cannot together because he said iam too clingy and insecure. Few days later, he said that he promise will see me once i recover from my sick (i am hospitalized because of typhoid), but sadly he’s not.

    We still in contact (text and phone call) 2 weeks after the break up, then i ask a meeting with him to say goodbye then continue with our own lives, but no answer from him. From there, i didnt contact him anymore. He untag every pics of us on fb and instagram, but still keep our pics on his Line timeline. We still friends on fb (but i unfollowed him so i wont see his update post), recently he unfollowed me on instagram (i think because i post many pics on it) but i keep follow him.

    I sent him last text message on march 6th, i said that i thank for the great times we have spent together, i learn a lot from our relationship and moving on, hope we still can be friends and hope all is going well with him. He just reply it with smile emoticon.

    After that, i apply NC and keep posting on sosial media to show that i am improving our life, having time with friends and family, keep cooking, travelling to some places. I am improving our personality, i read many articles, i do workout, more focus on my work, grow up my spiritual.
    Now i am at day 21, and he’s not contact me at all.

    He is a stubborn, and his man’s pride is very high. But i know, he has a kind heart deep inside.

    Should i apply 21 or 30 days NC?
    How do i contact him first?

    Honestly, there is ups and downs during NC. Sometimes i feel strong, but sometimes i miss him so much!
    I really want him back 🙁

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi S,

      do at least 45 and then initiate contact after.

    • S - 0

      S

      Thanks for your reply!
      I am afraid of 66 days break his habbit and he’ll move on to other girl.
      Will he move on now and forget about me because of NC?
      Just knew that he deleted our pics on his Line.
      When we just met, he still have his pic with his ex of 6 months on fb (after broke up about 2 months that time), and delete it while we are together.
      Why he’s not contact me and deleted our pics already?
      I plan to visit his fb after finish my NC.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Nope, don’t social media stalk him. Focus in improving yourself during and after nc and be active in posting. After nc, slowly build rapport. Check this one:
      Your Worst Nightmares During The No Contact Rule

    • S - 0

      S

      Thanks a lot, Amor!
      I’ll do it then.. and wish me luck! 🙂 hopefully i could get him back

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      You’re welcome! Good luck!

    • S - 0

      S

      Hi Amor,

      I just end my NC 2 days ago (i commit to do 30 days and feel stable), and yesterday I initiate contact him.
      He loves fishing, so I texted him about fishing spot. And he replied “hi how are you..” I think its positive respons, right?
      Then I replied “Im great! :)” and end the convo in high note, that I have to go because I have a meeting and will continue the convo later. He only read my chat.
      This morning, I sent him good morning text, asking if he still routinely jogging and sent him info about trail run that will held next month. He likes running.
      But he only read my text, not reply.
      Am I sent wrong text to him?
      And what should I do next?
      Tomorrow is full moon period, and i am going to not contact him.
      Thanks Amor! 🙂

    • S - 0

      S

      Can I ask him about how he was going?
      Or maybe asking about his work? we used to discussed about his work oftenly when we’re together, and usually I gave him support and cheers him.

    • S - 0

      S

      Just got reply from him! 🙂
      Maybe he was busy with his work so he cant reply right after read my chat.
      Hopefully days ahead will be better till i reach the call phrase.
      Wish me luck Amor!

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      it’s neutral.. It looks like it’s just a boring topic for him.. use a a mkre interesting one next time..

  17. Haley - 0

    Haley

    Hi,

    I’m on day 25 with no contact! After the breakup we were constantly in touch and very close for two months so I just told him I need some space for a while and not to contact me until I decide to reach out. So I am not coming to an end of that period and have to say I have mixed feelings: 1) I’m incredibly happy I’ve made it as I made huge improvements in my life and am genuinely happy and even had great successes at work but 2) I’m nervous about getting in touch with him.

    We were great friends before we started dating and we tried to remain friends after but it wasn’t working for me- we were too close as if we never broke up so I needed time and space. And now I don’t know what to do or how to approach the first text. He broke up with me because his feelings changed/or rather did not change – did not evolve/match the speed of our relationship – we jumped in quite deep quite fast and it didn’t feel comfortable for me either at the time.

    But he’s always said he needs me in his life, and even planned for events in the future (post break up)

    I keep wondering if he’s waiting for me to text him already, if he’s surprised I actually followed through. He hasn’t been contacting me because I asked him not to and we’ve always had the utmost respect for each other so I haven’t been expecting it anyway. I just don’t know what is my game plan now. Any advice would be appreciated.

    Reply
  18. V - 0

    V

    Does this work if we weren’t technically together? We casually dated for a little under 2 months.

    He made it seem like we were working toward a relationship, but we basically were one just without the label. He called me his, told me he felt comfortable/a special connection with me, would tell me he missed me, etc. Things I thought were going good. He said he was burned in the past and just wanted to be sure of things before committing. He said I had nothing to worry about…that when he was interested in someone…he was in it. He just didn’t want to jump into something until he knew he was sure. I understood that and didn’t push him.

    Then one night he told me he wanted to make sure he gave me realistic expectations. He basically said he had commitment issues and that he didn’t know how committed he could get long-term. He said he didn’t see himself getting married (because of it being such a big commitment…he said he has a hard enough time even liking people…I was only the second girl he’s slept with and he’s in his early 20s). He ghosted me after that. I’ve been in NC for a week.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi V,

      that’s good that you’re in nc. Check this one too:
      How Do I Get My Commitment Phobic Ex Boyfriend Back?

    • V - 0

      V

      Should I still do 30 days NC? I’m sort of worried since we weren’t actually together and really only casually dated for a month and some change that he’ll grow used to not talking to me again and break the “habit” sooner.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      just do 21 days

    • V - 0

      V

      Me again-
      Today marks the end of the 21 days NC. He reached out to me yesterday telling me he missed me and still thinks about me. I messaged back 10+ hours later saying I missed him too. Then he ghosted me again without even saying a thing….I don’t get it.
      Did I mess up by telling him I missed him too, and by answering him before today?
      Thank you 🙂

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Yeah.. it’s like he’s got the power.. Extend a week more and then initiate after that..

    • V - 0

      V

      Well it went bad. We talked casually. His response times were typically anywhere from 45 minutes to 12 hours. After the 12 hour response time I asked what he wanted; like if he didn’t want to talk to me. I basically said I felt like he didn’t want to and if he didnt, then okay. He basically turned it around on me saying I didn’t want to talk (because I had taken a day or more to respond to his last text) and then said I had got ‘mad’ at him for, he put in quotes like I was making it up: “not wanting to talk”. He said if he was just going to get yelled at, this was a bad idea. I basically told him I was purely trying to figure out his wants and what was going on since he abandoned ship without any warning whatsoever…That I was just confused. He never answered. I don’t know what to do or think anymore. I don’t want to get used or played and I feel like that was what happened. That his whole thing with me was just some scheme for him to have some fun. It has been just over a week. I miss him and think about him every day and want to talk to him but at the same time, I feel really stupid. And feel like he’s a major dick…Like I just blindly bought all the lines he sold me like a gullible idiot; like it was just a ‘he used me and now he’s done with me’ type thing. I hid his feed from my social media but honestly just want to delete him from my friends for a couple weeks. Don’t want to know if he’s online or alive or what he’s doing whatsoever. Not sure if that would help or hinder anything between us, but at this point I already feel like I look dumb (to both myself and probably to him too).

    • V - 0

      V

      So it went horrible. We were talking back and forth for a few days. His response times were generally 45 minutes to over 12 hours (occasionally he would respond sooner). After the 12 hour response time, I started to worry that maybe he just didn’t want to talk. So I waited over a day to respond, and when I did I asked what he wanted…I said I wanted to talk to him, but if he didn’t want to, then okay. He responded (3 hours later) basically saying if I was just going to yell at him, this was a bad idea and pinned it on me, saying that I was getting mad that he (he put this next bit in quotes) “didn’t want to talk”, when I was the one who didn’t text him back. I told him I wasn’t yelling at him; I was just trying to figure out his wants. Then he stopped answering.

      I don’t know what to do or what to think anymore. I don’t get at all what happened between us. I miss him a lot and think about him every day but then on the other hand I feel stupid for it. I feel like I look super stupid too. I feel like I got used. He took what he wanted and now he’s done with me type thing and I blindly bought all the lines he sold me like a gullible idiot. I’m the type of person who doesn’t fall for people easily but when I do I fall hard. I want people to know I care, and fight for what I want. I don’t really know what I’m asking, but I guess I’m stuck between feeling used and wanting to stay away (not out of hating him, but out of thinking ‘ok, well clearly something happened to make him change his mind, so I don’t want to bother him’, and not wanting to get used or look like a fool), and wanting to fix things if possible, or at least be on good terms…because even though to my knowledge NOTHING happened, I feel like ghosting qualifies as ‘bad terms’.

      I ended up unfriending him on social media. I had just changed settings to hide his updates, but seeing when he was online and stuff just started to get to me so I thought it might be better to delete for now and always re-add him later.. Not sure if that would make me look even stupider, or if I made a bad decision by unfriending, but at this point I feel like the situation is already not in my favor.

      Thank you!

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Yup..you can’t be emotional when you’re trying to build rapport..especially with exes.. You just have to be indifferent.. You have to do a mini nc of at least a week and then start over in building rapport

  19. Nicole - 0

    Nicole

    I’m currently in NC & on day 4 & my ex has already called me once, sent me 4 messages & requesting to follow me on social media. Should I accept?
    Thanks Chris & Team!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Nicole,

      let it be while you’re still in nc

  20. Luna - 0

    Luna

    My boyfriend and I usually fight and argument although we are very happily together hanging out and do other things. He claimed that our relationship had too much problems and he is not have the feeling for me as the beginning that he can’t helped so we should break up. I applied no contact rule for 23 days and the 28rd day is his birthday. There are no contact between us so far.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Luna,

      So, how many days in total did you do nc? How much did you improve yourself? Did you greet him?

  21. Daniela - 0

    Daniela

    So, my boyfriend of four months broke up with me on December 29th out of the blue. He says he was confused and didn´t know how to handdle things. Our relationship was amazing, we had so much fun together and it seemed like he was way over more into me than I was, I really don´t know what happend and he doesn´t want to talk about it. After the breakup the firdt month he would write to me every week asking how I was. After the first month we hooked up, it was just a one time thing and then started talking again almost everyday, but he kept saying he was confused and didn´t want to hurt me.

    After two more weeks talking I found out he was already dating some girl. I know its a rebound but I couldn´t helo it and said horrible things to him that I know hurted him. After two days of that conversation I told him I was sorry but he didn´t answer. Then I decided to start the no contact rule. I´m 9 days in and it is killing me. I want to talk to him so bad but I know it wont do good. I know he misses me and still loves me but he´s really stubborn plus I think he´s still dating that girl. I know is not that serious between them but at time I get scared he might fall for her. IDK I´m really confused! My NC ends on April 4th but I´m going crazy.

    I´ve been talking to other guys but he´s the one that I want. I´ve been working out a lot and improving myself. And he keeps watching everything I post on social media and liking my pictures.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Daniela,

      do at least 30 days.. improve massively so you’ll have high chances of him regretting not having you..

  22. J - 0

    J

    Hi!

    I started dated a guy about nine months ago, he has only had one serious relationship a long time ago and has been single every since until he met me. He fell in love with me very quickly and I’m the only person he’s ever loved. We’re opposites and although generally we complement each other and always have an amazing time together and share a lot of the same interests, sometimes we disagree.

    He’s usually a fun-loving joker and does not like to express his feelings or deal with emotions. When we argue, it can be something small or something big, when he gets upset, he shuts down and we stop talking. He doesn’t communicate with me generally about his feelings and emotions and just expects me to read his mind, understand, and to always trust him. Then he asks to meet and when we do, he always breaks up with me and tells me that he just can’t do this because he would rather be alone and not have any negativity at all. We usually reaches out to me after a few days and I respond, hang out a couple of times and then get back together again. Our relationship has gotten better and stronger each time; this has happened about four times now and we have a bigger fight once a month. It’s gotten to the point that regardless of what he says, I understand what he really wants (to be with me because he’s happier) therefore it has been difficult for me to give up because we’re really good together except when he gets overly upset, shuts down and breaks up with me each time after a bigger fight about something trivial.

    This time, we broke up ten days ago and the last time we spoke was nine days ago. I still have his key and have been to his place twice to pick up stuff and have left one-liner casually friendly notes hoping he’s well. Usually he would send me a random irrelevant message after a few days but he has not contacted me at all and I feel like it’s different. What are my chances and should I pick up the rest of my stuff (lots of irrelevant stuff) and drop his key off as I said I would or should I wait? Why I’m wondering is because he hates when he doesn’t hear from me that’s also why, when we broke up this time, I told him that I would disappear for him. He should have an idea that I will not reach out to him (although I did leave those random notes) but I’m feeling quite lost at the moment. I’m not sure 30 or 21 day NC would be better or if I should change my mindset to accept that it is over and just move on.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi J,

      do 30 days and then stick to it. No dropping by and leaving notes. Just focus in improving yourself and being active in posting in social media. Don’t social media stalk him. With on and off couples, there’s a high chance that he will come back again.

  23. Megan - 0

    Megan

    Wondering if I should continue no contact:

    We dated for a month and a half at the beginning of the year, he ended things on February 13th saying that while he was in love with me, he was also in love with a woman from his past and wanted to see that relationship through. He dragged this breakup out over two days telling me that what we had was incredibly special and that in any other circumstance what we have would be more than enough. I do not know if he is dating that woman currently (there is no mention of her on social media.)

    I figured I would walk away and be done with him. After a week of not contacting me he randomly texted me asking how I was. I did not respond. Then he started liking all of my social media posts throughout the week. And then on the 26th he texted me again, asking how I was and apologizing we hadn’t met up or talked. I ended up responding to him the next day telling him that I wasn’t ready to talk and that I hope he enjoyed the week with his parents (who were in town visiting). He replied enthusiastically and instantly telling me he felt like he had left me hanging and apologized, and told me how much he was liking what I was sharing on social media. I told him that I found continued contact confusing and that I needed more time before I was ready to talk (he insisted on us meeting up sometime to discuss things). He said he respect my decision and that he still cares deeply for me.

    I have not contacted him since then. The day after that interaction he liked something on my instagram, and then 8 days passed without any contact – until yesterday when he liked something on social media again. I don’t know what to do. I want him back but also realize this is a low chance sort of situation. Do I continue with no contact for 30 days? 21 days since our relationship was so short? Move on? I don’t understand why he keeps reaching out.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Megan,

      go for just 21 days but restart the count from the first day you stopped replying to him and continue improving yourself and being active in social media.

  24. Haley - 0

    Haley

    Hi!
    My boyfriend and I dated for almost 3 years. We met freshman year of college and are now in our senior year. We had talked about marragie and jobs/living situations after school and everything was going amazing. One day out of the blue he told me he didn’t think he loved me anymore, he hadn’t be acting any different, was still doing cute little things to make me happy. The day after saying he didn’t think he loved me he told me he wanted to make things work, for the next week everything was normal, no arguing or anything. Then we went on thanksgiving break, he began to drink and smoke constantly (something he never did) and began to snapchat another girl. He told me about everything after break and said he enjoyed being single, even tho when we left school we were still together and trying to make it work. He admitted that snap chatting this girl was a huge mistake and he had no interest. We went back and forth for about a month. In the beginning of January he ended things, I honestly thought he was bipolar, one second he would be trying to lay in my
    Bed and the next he would hate me and I wasn’t even allowed to talk to him without getting yelled at. He moved out about a month after the breakup, he was back and forth with his actions while living here and the whole thing confused me. The second he moved out he began recontacting the girl he was snapchatting. He told me our relationship and I were amazing but something just went “wrong”. He then a day later said he hated me, wished he never met me and never wanted to see or hear from me again. I am trying no contact but now that he is with this girl and seems to have so much hate for me I’m not sure if it will do anything. What should I do?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Haley,

      stick to no contact and be focused and active in improving yourself.. check this one too:
      The Grass is Greener Syndrome For Ex Boyfriends

    • Haley - 0

      Haley

      I’m not sure how long of a no contact period to do, I definitely handled the break up poorly while still living together and annoyed him, so I feel like I should do closer to 45 but it worries me if I wait that long he will just get more serious with this new girl. He also removed me and all of our mutual friends from Facebook, it seems like he is pretty serious about never having to see me again.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      for me you should do 45 days. Doing 21 nor 30 will not stop him from getting closer to the girl but you can put up a good fight by improving yourself because he will unconsciously compare you two, and he will remember the recent memories, so change that through you improvement and by indirectly showing it through your posts.

  25. Michela - 0

    Michela

    Hi there, I am currently in NO CONTACT. After 3 weeks today is my birthday and my ex sent me a message with wishes saying that he hopes everything is fine and that he would like to talk (but setting the “meeting” call on Monday because he said he was busy with friends on the weekend!!!!). I found it rude.
    I just said “thank you for the birthday wishes 🙂 ” and he replied “what about Monday? Are you busy?”. I didn’t reply. Than he asked “Is it a NO?”. I simply didn’t reply!
    Now, I am in day 21 of NC, but I am expecting to see him in two weeks at a mutual friend’s bachelor party. What should I do? Contact him by text message right after the finish of the NC or better wait one week more until we meet in person? There will be a lot of mutual friends at this party and I have to go to his city. Thank you in advance!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Michela,
      I think it would be better to wait one week more. Look your best and have fun!

  26. J - 0

    J

    Hey there,
    I work with my ex.
    Mine is quite a long story so I’m going to list major events, followed by my question, if any more info is needed feel free to ask but please help!

    Me and him together, going well.

    His ex crops up trying to get attention, I try to understand buy may have inadvertently preempted the following by acting off with him.

    Boyfriend at the time has previous with aforementioned ex starts acting distant, making excuses.

    My trust issues get the better of me and I leave embarrassing voicemail, regret instantly and apologise but stand by my reasons for leaving it.

    Boyfriend listens to voicemail – we broke up (third time)

    Now ex boyfriend – dynamic is confusing. Friendly, messaging like we were together, then starting arguments, to blaming me, to apologising, denying he was back with his ex even though she’s posting indicating they are, etc.

    Take myself out of confusing situation,
    I instigate NC – appears to be working.

    I take time off work, too many coworkers getting involved and causing trouble, NC still in play and working but not all contact from ex was positive.

    Coworker makes rumour I remove this person from facebook, ex boyfriend mocks and judges decision.

    I break no contact to defend above decision (I know, screwed up)

    We agree to talk, he chickens out and argument ensues resulting in him blocking me on everything

    That’s about as abridged as I can get it – I have remained in NC since the last argument and will continue to do so however have I screwed up completely? Because he’s not messaging at all now.

    Has he gone back to his ex because I pushed him into it and why won’t he admit it?

    I just don’t know what to do, I mean I love him and when we’re together it’s amazing and I know he loves me too but I can’t deny that there were problems, I obviously spoke to the wrong coworker and he clearly listened to too much twisted nonsense from the same coworker and never came to me about it.
    I find it hard to believe there’s much between him and his ex than a safety blanket when things get difficult because he’s left her about 4 times now; once before we met, second when we worked together and then me and him started dating (fair enough I was probably a rebound here) but the other two he chose to leave her because of how she is and he wanted to be with me (I did not encourage him either time, I was just getting on with things) so I must’ve left an impression.

    I honestly think I want him back, for the most part the issues aren’t major, I don’t think he genuinely wants to be with her but he is clearly confused and she is certainly twisted enough to manipulate him however I don’t want to be put through all this again – is it worth it?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi J,

      why do you think he’s denying it? Have you asked him about your speculations? How many days are you in this nc now? And open this link below:
      EBR 032: What To Do If You Work With Your Ex Boyfriend

    • J - 0

      J

      I honestly don’t know, could be any number of things that’s making him deny it… he could be ashamed, he could be trying to keep me around, could be that they’re not together and she’s just trying to make it look that way – what would be your best guess?

      Yeah I asked him before no contact and he denied it, he also sent me a message just last week during no contact (before it failed) reiterating that they weren’t and that he didn’t know what her statuses were about and that was without me asking.

      I am 5 days into no contact this time and am determined to stick to it.

      Thanks 🙂

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      For me, if there’s no concrete proof, then it’s not true.

  27. A - 0

    A

    HI,

    I am on day 2 of no contact – I opted for 45 days. We broke up two months ago but through the two months we tried hanging gout as friends. It was working only because I was pretending to be fine with it which means it wasn’t working at all. We went away last weekend for his birthday (it was booked months ago and still decided to go) and I told him then that however the weekend pans out I will be taking some space after all. I was honest with him, told him about my feelings and that I need to separate myself because it has been difficult for me and I am hurting. He accepted that and said he will wait for me to be ready to resume contact so we can be friends (we are in our 30s and were friends before we dated. He insist I’m one of the most important people in his life. Our relationship was amazing – we were very compatible but he broke up because of the reaosns he cannot understand himself. He says he can’t put his finger on it – I’m not his type physically even though I give him everything he is looking for in terms of the relationship)

    Now… if he said he would respect my wishes of no contact, is there any chance he’ll try to reach out anyway? Also, is there any point of me trying to get him back or just focus on recovery and rebuilding the friendship we had/have?

    I am committed to NC and I know I won’t break it- most of all I want to feel better but I can’t stop thinking that I should not give up on him..

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      HI A
      does he know you’re doing 45 days?

    • A - 0

      A

      Hi,

      I told him I need a few weeks and that it will be 4-6 depending how I feel so yes he does. He said he will wait until I’m ready to talk.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Oh no.. That lessens the chances of no contact rule because he’s not supposed to know. Right now, he’s just waiting for you to contact him.. The best you can do is to stick to it and really be active in improving yourself and in posting in social media.

  28. Jackie - 0

    Jackie

    Quick version: got dumped by my ex after 3.5 years together on January 22nd (36 days ago as of today)

    We broke up twice before, the first time was last August (2016) and it lasted 2 weeks before he came back. Admittedly, even though he initiated the first contact after he broke up with me, I rushed things with us getting back together so fast.

    We were good for the next 4 months, happy and completely normal. Christmas Day was one of our best days ever, full of love. Then on January 28th, he broke up with me randomly. He gave these as the following reasons:
    -we had gotten too serious and talking about marriage so much scared him
    -I was unstable and relied on him a lot (this is true)
    -he needed to focus on himself because he had a very important personal event coming up where he needed to perform well

    I begged for him not to go but he did anyways. After 5 days of not talking, he came back again. He came over to my house and asked me back, this time however, he didn’t want to tell his friends/family. We remained secret for a few weeks. The few weeks after that were rough. He was depressed and always second guessing us. Then after 2 weeks being back together, he said he needed time to think about us. We didn’t talk for a week and then the 7th day we met up and he ended it even though at the beginning of the conversation he wanted to make it work.

    When we broke up this last time (Jan 22), I didn’t really beg. I acted mad (I was) and didn’t plead. I texted him that night saying I thought it was a mistake. The next day I texted him asking him to not say anything bad about me and basically just not trash your relationship. He agreed. We have not talked since that day(35 days). The only “contact” has been from his end where he liked one of my tweets on twitter.

    I feel like NC won’t work because he isn’t expecting me to contact him. I mean, we broke up, we aren’t supposed to talk. Not talking after a break up is normal. My silence is not out of the ordinary to him. I also feel that the pressure from his friends and family will keep him from getting back with me.

    It should be listed that I had serious problems trusting him. Not because of anything he did, but because I have extreme anxiety that I am now being treated for and seeing improvements. In the relationship, I was EXTREMELY controlling. I know realize that’s not okay and don’t plan on being that way again. But honestly, it wasn’t fair to him and it was exhausting for him.

    These are my thoughts. Yours?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Jackie,

      It doesn’t mean there can’t be a restart. It’s good that you didn’t talk but the question is how much you improved and how active were you in posting? I think you need to start the count of 30 days from now and then be very active in improving yourself. Check the link below about that and then after it, slowly build rapport and attraction.
      The Ungettable Girl

  29. Elle - 0

    Elle

    Hi everyone,
    so, this is my story: a month ago my ex boyfriend broke up with me (and it was the third time in two years and three months… painful and exhausting). The reason was him “not being ready to fully commit to me since he still has unsolved problems in his life such as his carreer/serious family problems”. Also, one year ago he eventually cheated on me during one of these short breakups (and I feel like he did it to get back at me since he chose the only one girl I disliked at the time, and he’s very handsome so you know). Since the last breakup we fought a lot, he managed to block me on Facebook and Whatsapp but he didn’t on other platforms such as Instagram, Telegram and so on. We had a brief but meaningful conversation ten days ago about us being always there for each other and this kind of stuff even though I chose not to contact him anymore (it was not properly a NC rule, I just didn’t want to hear from him since I always felt miserable afterwards). He then took a flight for Milan (he’s a model), not telling me he had to leave and minding his own business as usual (not that I had the right to know, but it was really strange to me). He texted me a couple days ago asking me how I was while he was still in Milan, we texted a lot and he always said that I meant very much to him (I did it too, but I was very angry since I totally lost my patience with him)but he kinda feels apathetic and has to solve his life problems before having the freedom of enjoying a love story and that we would have eventually kept in touch once he got back to our hometown. What should I do? Is it too late to try NC rule?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Elle,

      frankly the more you do nc, the less it can help you and since you’re on and off, if you’re going to do nc now, it has to be long, at least 45 days..

    • Elle - 0

      Elle

      Thank you so much for your answer, Amor. We spoke today but I find ouselves still very unstable. So, do you think NC rule won’t work out or that I should anyway give it a try?
      Our longest time no speaking was only six days! Thank you so much for your kindness.

    • Elle - 0

      Elle

      oh and also, I forgot: when I said in our last conversation that I didn’t want to lose him/stopped having him in my life he said that he couldn’t do it (staying in contact w/ me too much) because he fears he’ll be back falling in love with me. Very confusing.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      You’re welcome! That’s a good sign for you. There’s no guarantee that the nc rule will but you should try it. It’s better than being friendzoned.

  30. Tree - 0

    Tree

    Mine is complicated. We were living together, engaged, he moved in with me and my kids. His son came to live with us after a huge fallout with his mum. Sons behaviour was atrocious, drugs, verbal abuse, suicide threats, intimidating me physically. Everything came to a head when his son attacked my son and I Called the police just before Xmas. My fiancé and his son moved out, he blames me for calling the police, not dealing with his son well etc. I did my best but he can’t recognise that. We have been seeing each other and he is cold and unemotional but he was getting better and warmer until we had a huge argument on the weekend. He broke up with me and I’m now in no contact. Day 6. He hasn’t been in touch but changed his Facebook pic to one of just him instead of me and him. I think the no contact is a great idea to allow us both some space as it’s pretty messed up. I just hate him blaming me when really all this is his sons fault. It feels really unfair and I know I should just keep my mouth shut but it’s difficult!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Tree,

      I agree that you should do no contact. Do at least 30 days, but honestly after that, I think it would be better if him and his son remain to have their own place, at least until the son fixes himself or gets his own place.

  31. Lisa - 0

    Lisa

    Hi,

    So I have been with my boyfriend for more than a year now. He had broke up with me the first time last year around this time. However, I wanted him back so bad I begged and within a couple of days we were back together. Fast forward to this past week. We have our first huge fight has a couple and he basically left using the same excuse as last time. I tried getting him to talk but in the end I’m glad we just walked our seperate ways to cool down. Knowing that I was mostly in the wrong I tried calling him the next day and texting multiples times him but he told me that he’s decision was final and to stop calling him. This site came back to mind and I just decided to put fort the NC rule so I made it two days without contact or anything it was good but also extremely hard.. After two days he came to me asking how I was and ultimately being sorry for how things went down. Would that be a good sign? I had so many mixed emotions and I didn’t wanna talk infront of people so I politely told him that as much as I wanted to talk. Personally, wasn’t ready and that he should leave. I did text him later to say that I was thankful for him coming to see me. However, it was in public at work where everyone could see and hear; that I had to leave for a few days for work and maybe we could talk when I get back! I was surprised to see that he actually agreed and that we could talk about it on a later date. So I guess I am doing the right steps? How long should I give myself NC rule? 21 or 30 days? I restarted since we spoke that one time but I really wanna do the NC for both of us to figure stuff cause I’ve already started figuring out things on both sides of the relationship! We all have flaws and I’ve realized mine I just want to give both of us time since we didn’t do that last time.

    Thanks…

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Lisa,

      when are you getting back?

    • Lisa - 0

      Lisa

      I am not sure just a few days away! However, I wasn’t going to contact until I was ready. I’m just not sure if I should do 21 or 30 day.

    • Lisa - 0

      Lisa

      i realize after that there maybe a chance we aren’t getting back together but I can have hope and to me coming to me after he said to stop is showing hope! I want to see how he reacts to me not contacting him. I’m just wondering how long.

    • Lisa - 0

      Lisa

      And also at the same time work on myself do thing so I’ve been waiting to do and such! I’m going to be making my own calendar at home like what is shown in one of the articles on here! Made my Chris I believe.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      The common one is 30 days, 21 is for very short relationships, so try 30 days.

    • Lisa - 0

      Lisa

      Should I count from the first two days I started talking to him or start over from when he came
      To me?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Oh, start in the first day you stopped initiating and replying to him.

  32. Vanessa - 0

    Vanessa

    Hi, Amor has suggested I do the 45 day NC. I’m on day 30 now and had nothing, I’m still blocked on fb (messages only) but not sure if anywhere else. My worries are, today is literally the 66th day since we BROKE UP. Is this bad? We kept talking until about a month after we broke up. The last official time I contacted him was 34 days ago, but Amor suggested I take it from his response to that message (30 days ago). Am I getting dangerously close to the 66 day habit break if I keep this going to day 45?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Start the count of the 66 days from the last day you talked, so that means you’re not in the 66th day mark yet. And 45 days is just being safe that if he does unblock you after 30 days, it will not look like you’re just waiting for him to do it to message him.

    • Vanessa - 0

      Vanessa

      Awesome, thanks Amor you’re the best. Do you post on the fb group?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      You’re welcome! Sometimes, my goal is to be more active in helping there too 🙂

  33. Elle - 0

    Elle

    Hello! I broke up with my ex about a month ago and we were in contact during that month. I started the no contact 5 days ago by just ingorning his last text to me. Should I let him know that I need some space or just continue ignoring him??
    Thanks!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Elle,

      just continue ignoring him and be very active in improving yourself.

  34. Kimberly - 0

    Kimberly

    My boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me last weekend. Things had been good, we are both 40, good careers, families, etc. Things were good between us. We had plans for dinner Saturday night, he text me good morning that very morning, we text back and forth and little bit. Then early afternoon I text asking what time he was planning to come over and no response. A little while later I discovered he had unfriended me on Facebook and apparently blocked me. I tried texting him and it sent as a text instead of an iMessage. I tried calling and realized he had blocked me. What happened?!? I had no idea. Nothing that night, nothing the next day. I actually blocked my number and called him, left a message that he owed me an explanation. He finally text me late Sunday night and basically just said he was truly sorry. He said it wasn’t about me and I didn’t do anything to make him run. He just wasn’t emotionally equipped for a relationship and couldn’t give me what I needed and deserved. He said he hasn’t ever been in this situation and didn’t handle it very well. This was so out of the blue to me because he had been so in the relationship. He pursued me, he repeatedly said he liked me and missed me when we weren’t together. I still have no idea what happened. He has completely blocked me from all sides. I don’t see how I can possibly get him back at this point. There’s no way of him seeing me to remind him of me. Something had to have happened, I just don’t know what. Is there any chance?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi kimberly,

      im sure something happened too.. It’s impossible that he just decided in a minute that he wants to break up.. For now, stick to nc, be active in improving yourself so you can be more rational too.. After it, if you’re still blocked, set a limit on until when you would wait to be unblocked to initiate contact and buils rapport.. if he doesnt5 unblock you after that limit, move on..

  35. Laura - 0

    Laura

    Hello!

    MY boyefriend and I recently got engaged. During the holidays he broke up with me because his family didn’t approved of our engagement! It had been 48 days since I apply the NC rule!! He never once contacted me! I’m still blocked from all social media and he never gave a sign of wanting to talk to me. I strictly apply the rule the day after we broke up which he did it by email! I haven’t contact him nor even try to do so. But I’m worrried because it has been over a month of no contact which he never even once try to reach me. Does this mean is over for good and I should move on? (He still has my things bc we moved in together a week before the break up) I wrote to a common friend to pls tell him to send me my things to my mothers home. But never heard from his friend nor him! And time keeps passing by so I’m scared. Out of desperation I went to have the tarot cards read and they told me that he was seen someone else and it was over for good. Ofc I didn’t like the negavite news the tarot cards gave me but so far I have no contact so don’t know what to do as of now.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Laura,

      how old are you both, how long were you together, and if you’re still blocked now, the only other choice is to extend nc.. How much did you improve yourself? Were you active in posting in social media?

  36. A - 0

    A

    Me and my ex broke up two weeks ago. He has gotten in some trouble and is facing time in jail (dui charges). He is beating himself up, rightfully so, however he has now pushed everyone away. On top of this episode in his life he is commitment phobic. I already read that article. I made the mistake of trying to get him back the first week we broke up but I’ve now started the no contact rule. My question is with him being in the certain situation that he is in should I just do the 30 days or longer? Or should I respond if he does text me just because of the low place he is in. Idk just want some advice.

    Thanks!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi A,

      I’m sorry, I’m not sure I understood your situation.. He can text in jail? If he can, how often does he text you? Do you visit him in person? How long is his time there?

  37. Bardcore - 0

    Bardcore

    Oh man, so I posted a similar thing on the “if your ex wants to remain friends” page but it makes way more sense here.

    What if, during no contact, he wants to meet up to talk (in all likelihood about the relationship), whether it be talking about our former relationship, our current friend status, or the possibility of getting back together. How would I go about navigating those situations?

    It’s worth noting that not even two days after the break-up, we were hanging out getting things ready for a game night with a bunch of mutual friends, before I left, he asked if I’d be ok with sex with him (which I politely refused because duh). I’m a little unsure how to proceed. What can I do now to give myself the best possible chance of succeeding in re-kindling a relationship with this guy?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Bardcore,

      talking about the relationship or being friends will more likely him asking to friendzoned you..and from what you said, it looks like he wants to be friends with benefits with you..which all the more reason that you shouldn’t reply..unless he says he wants to get back together

  38. H - 0

    H

    Hi,
    So great that this website exists at a time like this and that you can post a comment and get some sort of advice, so thank you for that.
    I dated this guy for 3,5 years and we lived together for 2,5 of those years. We got engaged in August. On new years he said he has doubts about commitment like marriage and children (first time mentioning it) and the next day took it back, then raised the same issues and then again took at back. I then said you need to leave and some days later asked for a trial break up (because I also wanted to figure out who I am and what I wanted). He, after some days, wanted to come over saying I miss you and want to see you, and he came and just broke up with me. After that I did no contact for some days but stupidly ended up responding and then came across this site and I have now not talked to him for about a week (except for yesterday when he came by to get things which I left outside the door, but either way we had to coordinate by text). I said I need space and to him to not contact me. Have I messed everything up? And does it anyways sound like I have no chance? How many days do you recomment? Thanks.

    Reply

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