The No Contact Rule (Version 2.0)

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

It’s been a while since I’ve written about the no contact rule so I figured now was a good time for me to update you on my philosophy regarding it. You see, one of my greatest fears for this website is that it gets out of date.

I don’t want this to be one of those websites that is a flash in the pan. You know, the kind of website that has really good content for a few years and then all of a sudden just falls off the map. Nope, I want this website to always stay up to date and in tune with it’s audience.

As a result, I am always updating my philosophy on things.

You can see that I have done that here and here.

If there is one constant in this life it’s change and this website is no different. So, as my thoughts on things change. Ex Boyfriend Recovery will change as well to reflect them.

Why is this so important?

Well, I already explained that it keeps the website up to date but as time moves on and I formulate more and more game plans for women and I see more situations I become better and better at helping people get their exes back.

If you take my knowledge today and compare it to the knowledge I had when I first started this little website it’s like night and day.

Anyways, you are probably getting tired of me talking so lets dive right in to the new way of looking at the no contact rule.

BUT FIRST… There’s Something Important You Need To Know

I have been helping men and women get back with their exes for over half a decade and I have learned that most people have preconceived notions when they end up on my site. They think that all they have to do is follow the directions that I give them on the page and they are good to go. Now, while this may hold true in some cases I will say that the no contact rule is usually such a complex process that I can’t explain everything there is to explain about it in one simple article.

Luckily, I have created an “ultimate resource” for you to follow to not only help you understand the correct way use the no contact rule but to also help you get your ex back.

All you have to do learn about this resource is to click the button below,

Master the No Contact RuleWith Tactics I Just Can't Post Publically...

 

What Is The No Contact Rule?

what is it precious

Ah what a great question.

The no contact rule is without a doubt one of the most important strategies that you can employ to get your ex boyfriend back.

When you look at the big picture of the overall strategy of getting a boyfriend back you can generally divide the strategy into three separate parts.

  1. Before No Contact
  2. During No Contact
  3. After No Contact

Before No Contact

This is usually the time where you are desperate to get your ex boyfriend back and you make every mistake in the book. I am talking about mistakes like becoming a GNAT, having him perceive you a desperate and coming off as super needy.

It is also during this time that most women stumble upon Ex Boyfriend Recovery and actually learn about the no contact rule.

During No Contact

This is the period of time when you are actually implementing the no contact rule on your ex boyfriend.

To be honest there isn’t much more that I can say that can fill this section out.

If you are in NC then you are in the “During No Contact” time frame.

After No Contact

Yup, you guessed it!

Basically this is the period of time from when the no contact rule ends to when you get your ex boyfriend back (if you do end up getting him back)

So, what is the point of me even telling you all of this? Well, generally women who decide that they do want to get their ex boyfriends back AND use the no contact rule to do so will spend half of their strategy in the no contact rule and half of their strategy outside the no contact rule.

My point?

If the no contact rule is going to eat up half of your overall strategy to get your ex boyfriend back then it’s kind of a big deal and you should fully grasp it.

Wait…

Hahahahaha…

I just realized I haven’t even fully explained what the no contact rule.

The No Contact Rule Explained

let me sum up

This isn’t as complicated as people make it out to be.

When someone says the words “No Contact” what is the first thing that pops into your head?

No = Not Any (I actually looked in the dictionary for that definition 😉 .)

Contact = A meeting, communication or relationship with someone.

So, if “No” means not any and “Contact” means meeting, communication or relationships then combining the two would basically mean,

No Contact- Not any meetings, communication or relationships with someone.

Could that be accurate to what the no contact rule is?

Actually…

That is entirely accurate.

Basically the no contact rule is a period of time where you aren’t going to have any meetings, relationships or communications with a certain someone. Of course, that certain someone is going to be your ex boyfriend.

Now, can you pick out the key of the sentence above?

It’s when I said “a period of time.”

I want to make this as clear as possible because I get so many women who make this mistake.

The no contact rule isn’t meant to be forever or until your ex boyfriend comes crawling back. It’s only meant to be for a certain amount of time and that’s it. In other words, once that time frame is up your no contact rule ends immediately and you start to go on the offensive to get your boyfriend back.

What The Purpose Of The No Contact Rule Is (The Effect It Has On Men)

purpose

Lets talk about the purpose of the no contact rule.

Above I explained what the no contact rule is but I didn’t explain what it does.

Hmm…

Perhaps I need to explain this a little better.

Basically this section is all about the effect that the no contact has on men.

However, in order for me to properly explain this effect we are going to have to do a little role playing.

What’s this role play over?

Well, lets pretend that you are implementing the no contact rule on your ex boyfriend and things are going well. What I would like to do is explain why things are going well. In other words, I want to explain the effect no contact is having on your ex.

Get it now?

Ok, lets begin.

What Happens To A Man When The No Contact Works

Before I dive in to this I think it’s my duty to explain what the no contact rule working actually looks like.

(Ready for the role play 😉 .)

Ok,  lets say that you decide that you want to do the no contact rule on your ex. After much thought you determine that you want to do the 30 day rule so that means for the next thirty days you are going to be ignoring your ex in every shape or form possible.

Around day 3 your ex boyfriend ends up texting you something like,

hey

Ok, while that little “hey” message he sends you is pretty generic it’s a positive start.

Of course, since you are in the no contact rule you cannot break your silence so you do the smart thing and continue ignoring him.

Your ex, being the persistent man he is decides to continue texting your throughout your no contact period until you finally end up with a message like this,

are you getting these

Another good sign.

It looks like your ex is starting to get annoyed that you are ignoring him. Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if he reached out to you accusing you of ignoring him on purpose (which you totally are.)

Of course, as time goes on within the 30 day time frame he begins to soften up and eventually starts sending text messages like,

miss you

Hmm…

I think it’s safe to say that the no contact rule is having the effect on him that you were hoping.

In other words, IT’S WORKING!

But why?

What is happening inside the head of a man where the no contact rule is working?

Allow me to explain!

What Is Going On Inside The Mind Of A Man During A Successful No Contact Rule

going on

In order to understand what is going on inside the mind of a man during a successful no contact rule you need to understand a bit about the way humans are.

I want you to imagine two children playing at the park.

One child is playing with a toy in a sandbox while the other child is playing with a toy as well. The two children have been best friends for a very long time and are talking to each other. All of a sudden one child gets upset with the other one and decides to ignore the other child.

What do you think happens?

Well, the one child that is getting ignored probably is going to go crazy trying to get acknowledged.

Get it?

No?

Ok, how can I put this in an even better way.

Oh I got it!

What does a baby do when a mother starts to ignore it?

The baby starts to cry, right?

Why?

Probably because the baby is trying to get attention from the mother.

In fact, a famous experiment was done to illustrate this point.

It’s called the “still face” experiment. It basically consists of having a mother sit in front of a baby and start blankly at the baby with a still face.

What do you think happens?

Find out for yourself by watching the video below,

Pretty crazy, right?

Basically the baby went berserk trying to get the mothers attention when the mother went still.

In a weird way I think this is happening inside men when they are ignored via the no contact rule.

Women are always commenting that they don’t know why their ex boyfriend is reacting so crazily during the no contact rule. Well, this is actually why.

No one likes to be ignored.

(Even babies.)

But did you notice what happened with the baby when the mother went from being “still” to being loving again?

All of a sudden all was right in the world.

The baby stopped crying and starting smiling again.

I have found that this same effect happens after the no contact rule is lifted on an ex.

So, for those women who are worried that the no contact rule may be too harsh on their exes and that their exes will hold a grudge for the rest of their life I have two things to tell you.

  1. From what I have seen from women who use the no contact rule it is rare for a man to hold a grudge.
  2. Why would you want to be with a man who would hold a grudge over something so trivial?

Now, another thing you may be wondering is why some men react sweetly during the no contact rule and some men react in a negative way.

Again, I would like to point to the “still experiment” above.

Notice how when the mother first starts ignoring her baby the baby doesn’t cry or throw a tantrum.

The baby smiles…

It smiles because it assumes that the mother will mirror the smile.

It is only after half a minute of stillness that the baby starts to cry.

The same can be said about men who are nice during NC and mean who are a tad mean during it.

Some men determine that the best way to stop from being ignored by you is to be nice to you. To send you those sweet text messages saying “I miss you…” while others tend to get nasty

My 3 Versions Of The No Contact Rule

three

Lets talk about time.

More specifically, how much time you are supposed to spend in the no contact rule. I know I have said this a lot throughout this site but I am going to say it again because it’s that important.

Experts seem to be completely split when it comes to how long the no contact rule should be for.

Some will swear by the 30 day rule while others swear by the 90 day rule.

So, what’s the right answer?

What’s the right amount of time?

Well, it depends…

I know that’s probably not what you want to hear but the truth is that your ex boyfriend is unique. He is unlike anyone else walking this earth and that means that the no contact rule will have to be shaped to him.

Before I used to be under the impression that the 30 day no contact rule was the way to go.

However, as I have gotten more and more experience my mind has changed a little bit. In my opinion, there are three optimum no contact times and which one you choose to use will depend entirely on your situation.

What are the time frames?

  1. 21 days
  2. 30 days
  3. 45 days

Notice how none of the time frames are crazy like 60 days or 90 days.

Why do you think that is?

Truth be told it’s all about habits.

How Habits Play A Role

Now I know what you are thinking.

What the heck do habits have to do with anything?

Perhaps I can put this in a way so that you will understand.

How long does it take to perform a habit?

Do you get it yet?

No?

Ok, how bout this one,

How long does it take to get rid of a habit?

Well, let me save you the trip to Google (in fact, if you look it up on Google you will get a wrong answer.)

Fun story.

I went to Google to research this and this is what I was greeted with,

Screen Shot 2015-08-24 at 12.40.34 PM

So, it takes 21 days to break a habit, right?

WRONG!

Upon further research that 21 days to make or break a habit thing is a myth. In actuality it really takes around 66 days to break a habit.

So, with this in mind we don’t want any no contact rule to be longer than 66 days.

Why?

Well, lets imagine that you were to do a 90 day no contact rule on your ex boyfriend. That’s three whole months without talking to him. Assuming that it took him 66 days to get out of the habit of talking to you that would mean that a 90 day rule would far exceed that 66 day habit rule.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is that if your no contact rule is longer than 66 days then you run the risk of having an ex boyfriend be over you and if he completely is over you by that point then it makes getting him back that much harder.

You will notice that the three time frames that we are focused in on here are all below 60 days.

Well, now you know why.

We don’t want to run the risk of having your ex boyfriend get out of the habit of thinking about you.

But that still doesn’t help us determine which of the three rules is best for you, does it?

Well, allow me to dive in a bit deeper for you.

The 21 Day Rule

For those of you seeing the 21 day rule and celebrating don’t get too excited yet. Generally speaking the sweet spot in no contact is right around the 30 day period. In other words, the vast majority of situations are going to fall under it.

However, lets say that you have a really good chance to get your ex back and you know in your heart that your situation is conducive to success.

(You can go here to find that out.)

Well, if that’s the case then I would say you can get away with the 21 day no contact rule.

BUT BEWARE…

For those of you women who are just trying to cut down on the time it takes to get an ex boyfriend back this isn’t going to help your chances.

Remember, the only ones who should be allowed to use this no contact rule are the women with really good chances of getting an ex boyfriend back.

The 30 Day Rule

This is the sweet spot for the no contact rule.

Pretty much every situation you can think of will fall into the 30 day time frame.

  • If he broke up with you…
  • If you broke up with him…
  • If you had a massive fight…
  • If you cheated…
  • If he cheated…
  • The list goes on and on.

Basically I want you to be doing the 30 day rule 90% of the time.

The rest of the 10%?

Well, lets just say that they are either going to be in the 21 day rule or the 45 day rule below.

The 45 Day Rule

This is the longest no contact rule that I am willing to recommend.

Anything longer than 45 days is too much.

Now, this begs the question.

In what instance should you use the 45 day rule?

Here is the interesting thing. I used to think that situations where you cheated on an ex or did something horrible like that would be ideal for the 45 day rule but as I have seen more and more women embark on the rule in those instances I have found that more time tends to be more negative.

So, that’s why I cut cheating down to the 30 day rule since it has more success there.

The 45 day rule should be used in only one circumstance.

The Circumstance- Where you have annoyed your boyfriend to the MAX. In other words, you have become a GNAT to him.

Basically, the more time that goes by without you re-exhibiting the behavior the better because he will stop looking at you as a GNAT and you will have a better chance of getting him back.

The Instances Where You Can Break The No Contact Rule

break time

Now that you have a pretty good idea of what the no contact rule is lets talk about some of the wrinkles about it that none of the experts really touch on out there.

Specifically the situations where you are allowed to break the no contact rule.

Now, I want to preface this section by saying that I am not going to go as in-depth here as you like.

Why?

Because I have already written an uber in-depth article about how to handle just about every situation during the no contact rule.

Nevertheless, I am going to add some new situations that I have covered in that article here.

So buckle up!

Lets get this party started.

Situation One: If He Asks You To Be His Girlfriend Again

I want to tell you a little story about a girl named Jane.

For the record Jane is totally made up but her made up story based on real life is going to help me prove a point.

So Jane is using the no contact rule on her ex boyfriend in an attempt to get him back.

Here is the thing about Jane.

When she reads advice on something she takes it very literally. When she read my advice about the no contact rule and how you can’t break it for anything she didn’t realize that, that wasn’t exactly true. So, when the no contact rule starts affecting her ex in a positive way so much so that he decides that he wants to ask her to be back together she completely ignores him.

In other words, when he sends her a text message like this during no contact,

get back together

She completely ignores it and continues on with no contact.

…..

IS SHE CRAZY???

One of the biggest reasons you do the no contact rule is so that you can get your ex boyfriend back so when that fantasy becomes a reality it’s ok to break no contact for that.

Situation Two: Exchanging Things

Lets say that you are using a 30 day no contact rule on your ex boyfriend and around day 4 or 5 he messages you and asks if he can get his things back from your place.

The inevitability of a couple exchanging things when together is very high so it makes sense that if things were exchanged he would want them back.

Are you allowed to break the no contact rule in this case?

Simply put, yes you are.

But what if your ex boyfriend has things of yours that you want back?

Should you break the no contact rule and ask for those things back?

Hmm…

It depends…

What does it depend on?

What things your ex boyfriend has of yours.

Let me give you two examples.

Example One

Lets pretend that you left your prized ring at your ex boyfriends house. This is the ring that your father gave you before he passed away so it holds a lot of sentimental value to you.

Example Two

Now lets say that you left a tooth bush at your ex boyfriends house. There isn’t anything special about this tooth brush it’s just a normal tooth brush that you could get at any grocery store.

So, here is my question to you.

Out of these two examples what is worth breaking the no contact rule over?

A prized ring given to you by your father who has passed away?

OR

A tooth brush…

The prized ring, right?

The more important the possession is to you the more you can break the no contact rule. However, if you have just left some clothes or toiletries over at your exes you shouldn’t bother breaking the no contact rule to get them.

You can totally live without them.

Besides, you will get them back when you get back with him 😉 .

Situation Three: If You Have Kids Together

It’s kind of hard to ignore your ex significant other when you have kids together.

I mean, it’s amazing how these two little versions of you and your ex can bring about conversations after a breakup.

But how does the no contact rule fit into this?

Can you even do the no contact rule?

The answer is yes but you are going to have to make some obvious adjustments for the kiddos.

How can I put this?

Hmm…

Ok, I know.

I want you to start the no contact rule with no adjustments at all. In other words, I want you to embark on the no contact rule the same way most everyone else would. HOWEVER, you will have to make one tiny little adjustment.

If your ex brings up the kids (or you are forced to bring them up) you can break the no contact rule for that.

But that’s it…

You can only break no contact for that one type of interaction.

In other words, if you get a text like this,

tj

You are absolutely allowed to break NC and respond to it but you want to keep the interaction ONLY about the kids.

So, if you get a text like this,

day

Then you aren’t allowed to break NC.

Do you see the difference now?

Good!

Let’s move on and talk about the true purpose of no contact.

The True Purpose Of NC

true story

This is something that I haven’t talked a lot about here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery….

Well, actually that’s not true.

I HAVE talked about it quite a bit but I haven’t ever really put the pieces together for you all in one place.

That ends today obviously.

So, what is the true purpose of the no contact rule?

On instinct most women guess that it’s to get their exes back and while the no contact rule can certainly be used for that there is another purpose of the no contact rule that hardly ever gets talked about.

I want you to think about something for a moment.

This website is called Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

That’s a very telling name, isn’t it?

The truth is that when I first started this website I really only focused on helping women get back with their exes but as I gained more and more experience and credibility I learned something interesting. Sometimes the best way to get an ex back isn’t just to focus on getting him back but to focus your energies inward.

Hence, the “recovery” part of Ex Boyfriend Recovery really has two meanings.

Meaning One: Recovery means to recover your ex or to get him back.

Meaning Two: Recovery means to recover from the breakup. To truly be happy on the inside instead of depressed and sad.

Well, the no contact rule works in this way.

Yes, it is a strategy that is meant to get your ex back but think about the time frame of the no contact rule.

In many cases you are going to be waiting a full month before you can actively have a talk with your ex boyfriend.

You know what this means right?

It means that you have a month of preparation to turn yourself into the best version of yourself and by doing that you will be actively working to get over the pain of the breakup. Look, I am not going to presume to know your entire situation with your ex like the back of my hand but I will tell you one thing.

Winning a man back from a place of depression is a lot harder than trying to win him back from a place of happiness which is why I recommend self improvement during the no contact rule.

You (Version 2.0)

improvement

The best way to get over the pain you are feeling is to focus on the things that you have control over.

Do you have control over your ex boyfriend?

No?

Do you have control over yourself?

YES!

So, lets focus on that.

Right off the bat we know that we have 21 – 45 days before we have to talk to your ex so lets not just sit on our hands here during this time frame. Lets do something that will actively increase your chances of winning him back AND help you get over that sinking feeling in your gut that you are feeling right now.

So, what I want to do now is show you something that I have never shown anyone before.

I am going to call it…

The No Contact Role Play

The no contact role play is simple.

We are going to go through the no contact rule from start to finish and show you what you are supposed to do every step of the way using a fake character that I am about to create.

Are you ready?

Yes?

Ok then, I would like to introduce you to Virginia.

Virginia is a 24 year old girl who has just broken up with her boyfriend of a year. The boyfriend stated that he just didn’t feel love for her anymore and that she wasn’t giving him the attention that he thought he deserved.

(Side Note: Virginia is a FAKE character that I just made up to illustrate a point.)

So, the first thing that Virginia is going to want to do is to determine which no contact rule time frame is best for her.

What No Contact Time Frame Is Best For Virginia?

After much thought and deliberation Virginia has decided that she wants to embark on a 30 day no contact rule since she thinks that will give her ex enough time to miss her and give HER enough time to change her image completely.

What’s next?

Ah yes, the self improvement plan.

How Can Virginia Improve Herself During This 30 Day Period?

There are a lot of ways that Virgina can improve herself during the 30 day no contact period.

Specifically here are some of the things that she wants to do,

  • Get in the best shape of her life
  • Read a book
  • Learn some new things (salsa dancing, cooking class, learn another language)
  • Redo wardrobe
  • Educate herself about the world
  • Get out more by socializing with friends and family

The No Contact Calendar

What I am about to do now is something that I have never done here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery but I think it will be extremely helpful for you to see HOW the no contact rule will look from a birds eye view.

Above we established two things.

Thing One: Virginia is doing a 30 day rule

Thing Two: What Virginia is going to do during the 30 day rule.

But how are these things implemented?

What do they look like?

Like I said above, I am going to be answering those questions today but I am going to be doing so in a very unique way.

I am going to be using a calendar to demonstrate what a perfect no contact rule looks like.

To be honest I don’t think there is much more set up that I can use for this so I am just going to dive right in.

Take a look at the graphic below for me,

nc calendar

Now, I do know that a lot of you are using phones to read this article so hopefully you can see the calendar above because it’s kind of important.

Basically this is what a birds eye view of the no contact rule looks like.

You will notice that there are 30 days on this calendar and under each of the 30 days are little items ranging from workouts to learning a new language.

Sound familiar?

You remember how Virginia wanted to improve during the no contact rule, right?

Well, all the things she wanted to improve on are found here.

Cooking class…

Salsa dancing…

Getting in incredible shape…

Reading a book…

Learning a language…

Revamping her wardrobe…

Learning about the world…

Socializing…

All of it can be found on this calendar.

Oh, also take notice on how every single day during this 30 day no contact period is jam packed with stuff to do. The idea is to fill up your own personal calendar so much that you don’t even have time to text an ex. Heck, you don’t even have time to think about him.

Of course, then there is the fact that every action found on the calendar serves one purpose, to help you become the best version of yourself.

 

October 25, 2016

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

With over 7 million women just like you coming to this site ever year, I’ve seen about every situation you could imagine. Most of the time, I can just ask a few questions about your situation and know in seconds the chances that you have of getting back together with him. I’ve compressed all of that wisdom into a single calculator What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back.

Take 4 Minute QuizAnd Find Out Your Chances!

What Do You Think? (686)

  1. Anonymous - 0

    Anonymous

    Hi there,

    What happens if you and your ex both decide to do the no contact rule mutually. He said that he will try to get and touch within a month but no promises and I should do the same. That if I should meet someone else who i feel is better than him and i feel like he is treating me well, then i should go for it and he will not hold it against me. That I should be happy.
    We broke up because of things i had done and he had done which caused him to feel incredibly insecure. He also said that we can never go back to what we were, it’ll be very hard and that i will never be able to make him feel secure again which is why there will be no reason to get back together. That if we can get over our need and attachment for each other within the month, there will be no other reason to come back to one another – because love is not enough.
    In the end he said that lets just take the break we need and we will see it from there, and i fully agreed. I think it’ll be a good chance for us both to reflect and detach and I guess find our way back to each other. So my question is what if we both mutually decided on the no contact rule, does this mean i have hope in getting him back? Is there a chance he may be able to feel secure again? Do you think he will miss me and find that one reason he seems to have lost, in order to come back? Does the no contact really help a time when one feels insecure?

    Thank you

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Anonymous,

      when you do the no contact rule, that means you intentionally have the goal of rebuilding rapprt and attraction after a period of silence..but with your ex, it’s not like that.. He wants a break to see of things will either be better or worse.. so, leverage this time by sticking to no contact..because more likely, he will wonder how you are.. use this to improve yourself..

  2. Jane - 0

    Jane

    My boyfriend broke up with me 9th December. He said we were fighting a lot and that he was not the same anymore. Prior to that (in October) he once told me he sometimes would think if he had entered too young in a very serious relationship (we’re both 24 and I’m his first serious relationship). We dated for 1 year and 2 months and I moved to his town to start a new life and also to be with him. I thought things wouldn’t be as hard and it was very rough year for me and I know I ended up becoming a little needy and when he wouldn’t live up to my expectations, I would get angry and fight with him. I had minor depression during that time and part of it was because of a medication that I was using that I quit once and for all. When he broke up with me I apologized for everything that I had done wrong to him and he said that he didn’t hold any grudges, but the way I treated him had also contributed to his decision. I cried a lot and he too. Before breaking up he had asked me for a week to think a little bit through and on that occasion he cried A LOT and asked what was wrong with himself, and that I was the best person he had ever met and that he didn’t want to lose me. He also told me he loved me and tried to kiss me, but I turned the cheek to him and didn’t answer him, because I was very sad and disappointed.
    Anyway, so one week after we broke up he seemed very confused, called me to talk about his week, sent me videos of a party that he went to and told me he missed me. I replied not very happy but not uninterested as well. I told him I missed him to and on that day he said that he was rethinking our relationship. After that I tried talking a little with him and he just didn’t seem as much into it, so I went into NO CONTACT for 21 days (26 december until yesterday) because during NO CONTACT he was clearly trying to get my attention for the things he was posting on Instagram. So yesterday I broke no contact by telling him that I was at a party that weekend and had remembered about a concert that we went together, which I know was one of the best experiences he ever had. He told me “that was the best show wasn’t it” and told me he also went to a party that weekend. We talked a little bit about the party and I noticed he was taking more and more time to reply (he seemed to be “happy but cautious”). So I told him I wanted to give myself the freedom to say that I missed him, that people would say that it is humiliating but I thought that was a very shallow thing to say and that I wanted to tell him what I felt was right. He told me that I had that freedom to what regarded him. I also reminded him of two other times where we had just connected in a very romantic way (he is very romantic and sensitive and I’m pretty sure he broke up with me because I was hard to please and he started to think that he wasn’t enough for me, and that was making him suffer). He told me that he was so proud and had a lot of affection for all those memories and that he didn’t think that the break up invalidated them. Afterwards I told him that I had written a letter a few days ago and asked him if he wanted to read it. He said “yes, I would really love to”. In that text I told him how much I regretted the bad things that had happened and I told him that I knew I couldn’t change the past, so I wanted to be better once and for all. I told him how I was developing my relationship with my family, how I started to go to a psychologist and how the medication that I was taking made me more agressive and depressed, which was now getting better. He told me that he didn’t have bad feelings about our relationship and that he still thought I was this wonderful person with this beautiful smile and that nothing or anything should take it away from me. He told me he would always love me as a person and as a friend, that I could count on him if I ever needed anything and that he would always have a friend in him, he also sent me a video of the movie “Her”. I took two hours to reply to that and told him that I took a walk a little in the city to get my mind and my feelings rights. I told him he knew he could always count on me as a friend too and that I would always be his friend too. I told him he had this beautiful soul and that he should be happy, ’cause he deserved it.

    My question is: have I broken NO CONTACT too soon? I don’t feel the same urge that I had to talk to him as before and I’m on that state of mind that if I don’t get him back, I know I will manage to live my life to the fullest until someone else that is special appears. I felt REALLY better after sending him the text, it was like getting closure. I don’t plan on starting a conversation with him ever again, not because I’m angry or anything, but because I don’t want to appear to be needy and I don’t only want his friendship. He seems to be going out with one of his ex’s and he totally doesn’t look happy in the pictures and I know I’m more intelligent, sexy, attractive and a better match than this other person. He even told me that a few times.

    Is it still possible to get him back? Or should I move on? I’m a very rational person and I can see things clearly. To me it seems like he didn’t want to commit so early in his life and that he is having a lot of trouble to get over me, but he insists in doing so. We had this amazing connection and for more than one year we talked from “good morning” to “good night” and we had very happy moments together even though we started fighting maybe twice a month from september on.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Jane,

      I think you can try just not this soon because you’re right, you’ll probably appear as a chaser after that, so treat it as closure..rest for a week or two and then start rebuilding rapport

  3. jblossom - 0

    jblossom

    Hi amor
    I would like some advice
    My ex boyfriend broke up with me 6 months ago, the reason behind it was because he felt like i relied on him too much, that he needed space and their were times i would give up easily . We both were going through stress…and it endded.

    I did everything you could think of
    Begging, fighting, Guilt Tripping, saying i love you and we even endded up sleeping together a couple of times.

    At this moment his trying his best to use a other girl to get over me like doing everything in his power to hang out with her and be with her. Ontop of that this is a girl hr knows very well i don’t get along with this girl so i feel like his doing this to just upset me .

    Anyway on dec 27 is when i cut off all contact from talking to him seeing he had told me ” his living his life and hanging out with people and feels like he doesn’t need to see me now seeing its too soon”

    So i have not contacted him or planning on too.

    When no contact is over i do want to contact him seeing that in feb we might be running into each other at a event.

    Im just worried that his going to keep actting like ” i can care less ‘ if i contact him or not .

    Any tips or advice

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Jblossom,

      what did he do that made you feel he’s just doing that to make you jealous and that he’s not serious with the other girl? because if you hated the other girl before because they were close then that means he has long fancied her

    • jblossom - 0

      jblossom

      He never did seeing he started to talk to her now. His friend use to date her and my ex and her never talked to one a other, hell he never liked her .

      His friend ask my ex to go on a date with her to use her to push me away seeing at that time i was trying to get him back so much…that i wasn’t giving space .

      But i know he never liked her
      I know he kinda does now but only because he knows it bothers me. His even told me ‘ i find it funny that your jealous of her

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      ah.. but if he used her to push you away, then staying with her means he still thinks you’re not going away. Or if he says he finds it funny that you’re jealous, then than can mean he enjoys the attention he gets from you or in other words the chase. If he acts like he doesn’t care after a number of attempts then you have to move on.

  4. Kay - 0

    Kay

    My ex keeps sending me snapchats. Am I breaking no contact if I open them? I’m not sending anything back to him.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Kay

      not really but it would be better if you dont open them

  5. Tina - 0

    Tina

    Hi,

    Im currently on the day 28 of NC..My intention was to do regular 30 days, but right now I don’t feel ready to reach out, at all! Is it ok to extend to 45 days in this case? The thing is that I wanted to get back with him but I’m not sure if I still want it … I went through a lot, and I’m simply considering if makes sense to allow that person back in my life. The reason for our break up was that he wouldn’t commit because he wasn’t sure. He’s been contacting me every single day since my NC started.

    Thanks a lot!
    Tina

    Reply
  6. Trinity - 0

    Trinity

    so would this nc rule still work when my ex and me are both in the same classes? i dont talk or doing any other communications but we still face each others sometimes.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Trinity,

      there’s no guarantee that it will no matter what situation you are in..

  7. Crystal - 0

    Crystal

    My ex and I broke up about a month ago. It was a year and a half, long distance. He said it was the timing. I have contacted him three times since we last saw each other. The last conversation I had yesterday with him was that he was just tired of everything and that I was pushing him away because I keep trying to analyze the breakup. Will the NC rule be effective anymore ? If so, 30 or 45 days?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Crystal,

      there’s no guarantee that it will work, no matter what the situation is.. but it’s still better choice instead of chasing..

  8. Crystal - 0

    Crystal

    My ex and I broke up about a month ago. It was a year and a half, long distance. He said it was the timing. I have contacted him three times since we last saw each other. The last conversation I had yesterday with him was that he was just tired of everything and that I was pushing him away because I keep trying to analyze the breakup. Will the NC rule be effective anymore ? If so, 30 or 45 days ?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Crystal,

      there’s no guarantee that the nc rule will work, but the more you restart it, the less it can help you.. it’s good that he’s still viewing your stories.. use it as an indirect way of showing your improvements and you’ve accepted the situation..and I think you should do 45 days..

  9. crystal - 0

    crystal

    So it’s been about 3 weeks since the initial break up, 1 week since we talked in person for the closure (we are long distance). I called him three days after our meeting for further clarification, and he stated he was more upset and that I was “pushing him away”. I have then signed up for therapy to help me through this process, and the therapist stated that he thinks that there is someone else in the picture and that I should call for complete closure. I called asking, and he immediately stated “no, there was no one”. I attempted to start NC today but failed because I had a happy memory and I ended up texting him. Will NC rule be effective now? Should I do 45 days? Backstory is that we were dating 1.5 years long distance, and he stated the breakup was due to timing, and that we are different and were never on the same page. He has consistently checked my snapchat stories. A part of me feels that he is completely over it because I have always been the one contacting and he is viewing my snapchat to show that he is really over it and that it is OK to do so (that’s just what I think). What are your thoughts?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Crystal,

      there’s no guarantee that the nc rule will work, but the more you restart it, the less it can help you.. it’s good that he’s still viewing your stories.. use it as an indirect way of showing your improvements and you’ve accepted the situation..and I think you should do 45 days..

  10. Jamie - 0

    Jamie

    My ex boyfriend moved out. I did everything wrong that you could have possibly done after a breakup- I called and begged, I called him 24 times in one night, I lied to try to see him and I embarrassed him in public. He blocked me from everything including social media and his phone. We still go to the same crossfit gym and he told me not to come back to the gym. He told me he hates me and he will treat me like he hates me. Can I use the no contact rule in this situation or should I just give up now?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Jamie,

      there’s no guarantee that the no contact rule will work but if I say you should give up, you won’t right? so, instead of chasing him, its better to do no contact before fully giving up

  11. subha - 0

    subha

    Dear Chris
    I was friends with this guy for 5 years. Last year we started dating. When he told me that he liked me I thought he was talking about another girl. So I told him that even though I liked him that we could still be friends. He ran out crying.

    We bumped into each other in September this year and asked me if I was seeing anyone. But didnt follow it up. A couple of days ago he blocked me on Facebook. I can still contact him via whatsapp and phone. Should I do a further no contact? If so how long should it be?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      how old are you both? and was that conversation just between the two of you?

  12. Eva - 0

    Eva

    Hi,
    if we dated 2months short distance, 2months long distance which is better 21 or 30 days?
    I left him because his ex resurfaced, he said that he doesn’t see future with her but I thought it’s better to take me out of equation. We were getting along great and break up was quite civil.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Eva,

      given that it’s quite a better break up than others, and you didn’t chase..it think you should just do 21 days

  13. Anonymous - 0

    Anonymous

    My fiancé broke off our engagement because … maybe wedding jitters? Do you recommend 30 days NC?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Anonymous,

      when did he break it? How long was the relationship? Other than there were no other problems?

    • Anonymous - 0

      Anonymous

      Hi, Amor! We were together for a little over a year and he broke up with me about three weeks ago. It was a really good relationship and we set the bar very high for each other. He broke up saying that it didn’t feel 100% right, all the time and that he needs to see if there’s a relationship out there where his heart says YES, all the time. Sounds like GIGS or some unresolved fear-based attachment style.

      We haven’t talked in two weeks

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      If this is the first time he did it, yes 30 days of nc. If not, how many times have you broken up?

    • Anonymous - 0

      Anonymous

      We have officially broken up twice before, for the same reason.

      The first time was 5 months in and we were apart for 2 weeks. We had contact each week — it was very hard on both of us.

      This time, we were a little over a year in and it’s been 3 weeks. On day 15 of NC now.

      Mini breaks in between of 6-12 hours here and there. Clearly there’s a cycle here I need to break.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      He has to think you’re really done and not waiting anymore

    • Anonymous - 0

      Anonymous

      Well! Tomorrow marks 30 days of NC!

      However, his next door neighbor asked to hang out yesterday and I thought he was away for Christmas so I agreed. (We used to live together so I am friends with her) Turns out he wasn’t! I guess she mentioned it to him and he said it was better that we don’t see each other.

      Why is he avoiding me? He is the one who broke up w/ me and I left him alone.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      I think for him it’s too soon to meet in person.. but that doesn’t mean he’s not open to texting

  14. S. - 0

    S.

    Hi!
    I’ve been on the NC for 22 days now. A couple of weeks ago my ex texted me (we had a pregnancy scare and he wanted to know the results of my medical examinations). It wasn’t a dramatic breakup. I am thinking of slowly beginning to text him again. Would that be a good idea?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi S,

      it’s ok to initiate, what’s more important is that you’re the one to end the conversation at high point. Try to end in cliffhanger, for a higher chance of him initiating..

  15. Sarah - 0

    Sarah

    Hi!
    I’ve been on the NC for 22 days now. A couple of weeks ago my ex texted me (we had a pregnancy scare and he wanted to know the results of my medical examinations). Our breakup was not dramatic at all. I am wondering if I should begin to slowly text him. Would that be a good idea?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi S,

      it’s ok to initiate, what’s more important is that you’re the one to end the conversation at high point. Try to end in cliffhanger, for a higher chance of him initiating..

  16. Fightingon - 0

    Fightingon

    After my boyfriend and I ended things I decided to do the nc rule right away. We ended things amicably And decided we would be okay talking to each other after the fact. But I was too hurt to talk to him after it was more of his decision than mine. I decided to do the 21 day rule but after that since I was doing good I decided to do 30 days. BUT what happened was I was over a mutual friends house and he showed up. We hugged hello, didn’t get the chance to talk. When we hugged goodbye he said “it’s good to see you.” After that no word from him. Should I restart the 21/30 day rule? I’ve been good, lost 20lbs after the breakup, signed up for classes, doing things on my own. I feel strong! #superwomaninlove

    Reply
  17. Kiala - 0

    Kiala

    I finally broke no contact after the 45 day version of the NC rule (because things were really bad). I was travelling a lot and busy during that time and actually ended up waiting 50 days.

    Things ended really badly between us, it was long distance, we fought all the time and I went NC after he told me he hates me and never wants to see me again and doesn’t want my affection. By the time I went NC nothing sexuAL or flirty had actually been said between us for a few weeks, we were just fighting and had already been basically over for nearly 2 months and I had been trying to get more closeness out of him for years which he said made him feel pressured. He thought of me as very needy.

    As far as I know he didn’t attempt to contact me for the whole 50 days (though there’s still some social media platforms I haven’t actually checked)

    We are talking again now but I’m feeling a bit panicky and like its not going well. We’ve had 2 conversations so far and they’ve been very neutral. He responds to everything and seems faster to respond than before, but he lets me lead the conversation, doesn’t ask any questions, responds neutrally without humour to my attempts to joke, and he hasn’t asked me at all what I’ve been doing while I’ve been gone, it’s like he’s not curious at all even though I posted tons of travel pics while I was gone. There’s none of his usual playfulness flirtyness and teasing, he’s just polite and serious and responds to questions but doesn’t contribute much. And if I don’t message him first he doesn’t message me.

    I almost preferred it when he used to scream at me in the past to him being so cold and neutral, at least he showed emotion.

    Because we were long distance and spent little actual time together I’m also having trouble finding fun memories to insert into the conversation, our thing consisted mostly of lots and lots of talking and a lot of sexual stuff but few activities done together.

    I’m not sure how to liven up the conversation or how to calm down and stop feeling panicky and like this can’t work? This feels really awkward and I feel like I’m coming across like I’m desperate and making all the effort

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Kiala,

      well, two texts won’t build a rapport but those two texts do tell you that he’s not interested or getting interested. When you did no contact, how much did you improve and were you active in posting it? What were the texts you sent? Why not try current topics like Trump?

    • Kiala - 0

      Kiala

      The first one was about a meme a mutual friend posted on Facebook and how it reminded me of some of our fun hiking memories. When I tried to end the resulting conversation he just ignored my goodbye and kept talking. He asked me a question but I reiterated that I was leaving and said id tell him later.

      The second time I messaged him was 2 days later to answer his question. I made sure to end this conversation too.

      I messaged him a third time to ask if a website we are both on was working for him because I was having issues with it not loading. This resulted in a long conversation. When I tried to end it, he again ignored my goodbye and responded with a flirty comment. I replied to it a bit later and this led to us flirting all day yesterday and reminiscing about our sexual memories. He is very much still sexually interested.
      But now I’m worried I was too responsive to his flirting too fast. I don’t want to seem too easy and available.

      I’ve now messaged him again to ask him something relevant to some medical procedures I need to have in future, because he has experience with what i need to know. Though I tried to make it look like a reply to the last msg he sent last night which I didn’t respond to at the time.

      The conversations are going well and are now warm, flirty and full of banter… but he is still not starting any of them. I feel like I’m being annoying starting all the conversations and don’t know how to get him to start initiating. He also still hasn’t asked me anything about my life or travel, though I have asked him about his life, fitness and health. It’s bothering me and I’m a bit nervous about the whole thing and would really like to be able to get him to make more effort.

      I don’t want to get stuck as someone he flirts with but doesn’t see as a serious prospect, I feel I was stuck in that zone with him for a while in the past

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      dont have lengthy all ay conversations, always leave at high point, best in cliffhanger style. And dont forget to maintain yourself. If there isnt rapport built yet, if he doesnt find anything about what you say is interesting, more likely he will really not initiate.. It’s ok to initiate, what’s more important is that you’re the one ending it in high point

  18. Jess - 0

    Jess

    Hi
    Me and my boyfriend dated for 4 years, had have been broken up for 4 months. The reason we broke up was because he was feeling i haven’t changed, that i relyed on him to much, that he didn’t have space , and that i always ran away from my problem’s.

    Since the break up i moved back home and started to work on myself. At the start of this break up he said he wanted to be friends but all he did was fight with me , throw the past in my face.

    Also ontop of that i was texting him like all the time just to try to fix things.
    Anyway since i moved i see that his been hanging out with a girl that he knows i do not like. He says he enjoys hanging out with her and enjoys sending time. He tells me he likes her but then he says “i likr spending time with my friends ”

    Just the other day he found out i had a date because i told him and …he told me once before “lets at less date or go on a date with someone else before sitting down and talking about us again” but once i told him this he seemed off.

    During are fight we had on Wednesday
    He brings up the date during the fight, asking how it went and that he saw thr flowers the guy got for me on facebook.

    It sounded so mean like and i was thinking” why even bring up my date during the fight’ also just to let you know..he watchs me on Facebook but does not follow me…so he needs to type my name on hia search bar to see what i post.

    I had also blocked him on Tuesday night, so when i asked him are we ever going to fix things he told me ” don’t know how if you blocked me ” we were talking at 9am so again he had to check my facebook that early.

    Anyway
    He tells me he doesn’t care what i do with my life.

    Says his changed wiyh everyone else but me.

    He rubs in my face about the girl that he is now hanging out with.

    So i started the no contact rule

    Its been three days since i started.
    What i want to know is that well it work on someone as hardheaded as him?

    Or would he be just happy that im not contacting him seeing his rebounding with a other girl that might not like him and his doing so much better.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Jess,
      there’s no guarantee that it will but he probably doesnt expect you to do it. So, make the most out of no contact by improving yourself

  19. MArk - 0

    MArk

    Hi, me and my girlfriend of 10 months were having a lot of arguments for past one month ..she is emotionally unstable sometimes have crying spells over little things,confused, overthinker and making decisions is hard for her … as we were having arguments over little things (she was the one starting it is was the one always saying sorry and initiating contact. ..it’s a long distance relationship) so I got fed up one day and after an argument in anger I said I don’t want to be with her and she said OK. . She didn’t stop me or say anything so we went for no contact for 4 days after that I initiated the contact only to hear from her that she wants to end it ..she was crying and saying she still loves me and have feelings for me but since we are having arguments it can’t work ..like anyone I cried and asked her to come back which she refused
    .next day we did talk and we got back together but I noticed she was a bit distant .. anyhow we kept talking for little over a week ..me trying anything to get things back on track but then again the arguments started … and finally I had enough and called her asking her to resolve these things ..she was in anger (she has lot of anger issues ..once she is angry she shouts and sometimes hits her hand on wall) she started shouting ..I was tired of these things so I told her it’s better to be separated for sometime because I have enough ..she said OK and hung up on me ..I called her again n she said do whatever you want to I don’t care …so I politely said is it OK with her if I remove her number from my contacts list because I don’t want to look at her watsapp (whenever we used to fight we both used to look at eachother’s watsapp.. since she is quite stubborn so even if she had to inititate contact she would never text or call rather do it by changing her watsapp dp ..usually putting up some quote ).. so when I told her she in anger said that she also will delete my number and she did imidiately .. then hung up on me … I called her she didn’t pick and texted “bye in real and take care ” so I in anger blocked her on facebook and deleted her number … and went straight on no contact … I wasn’t able to see her watsapp because she had these settings where only her contacts can see her watsapp. ..but suddenly on 5th day of no contact she changed her watsapp settings to everyone ..so even those not in her contact lists can see that dp and put a quote stating “it’s over but is it for good? Should it be for good ? Is it really gone ? Because when it’s gone it’s gone for good ” she kept this quote for two days, I didnt react and then she suddenly put up her picture with a smile with same settings that is open settings I again didn’t react she kept this for 5 days and suddenly today on 14th day of no contact she again reverted her settings n I can’t able to see anything ..not only that she also blocked or deleted my mother’s number today which she had during all that time .. so now I am wondering is she doing it just to make me react or what ? I was always the one initiating contact but previously it was mostly about 4-5 days ..this time it’s been 14 days and I haven’t contacted her … I want her to contact me this time .. so what’s going on with her …what should I do ?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Mark,

      yes, she’s probably trying to see if you will react. Just let it be.. Are you actively improving yourself?

  20. Jay - 0

    Jay

    My boyfriend broke up with me 3 days ago. We dated for 1.5 years and have lived together for the past 3 months. He has been under serious stress with work, debilitating mental illness, the changes of moving towns and moving in together, and finances, as our landlord is charging an expensive fee for damages that were not our fault. He told me that he is sad all the time, and that he needs to move out and break up to get rid of all his stress and sadness. He doesn’t know if it will help or hurt his depression, but he has to find out. He says I am giving 500 and he is giving 90. He was not positive he wanted to break up, but was positive that he needed to move out. We did ultimately break up, because he didn’t want to give me false hope that he was going to get better or feel differently. Both of us were sobbing. I left the house we rent together and drove 4 hours to visit my family. I am still there. I have not contacted him in the past 3 days, and I intend to continue using NC for as long as I possibly can. I’m afraid that when I go back, he may still be there moving his things out and I will have to talk to him. There’s nowhere else I can really go and I have work in a few days. So my question is- should you use NC when the other person is dealing with depression/extreme sadness? He needs to figure out if our relationship was causing that sadness, so I should disappear right? I already told him during the breakup that I was willing to work through everything and be there for him, but he still thought we needed to separate.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Jay

      actually you dont have much of a choice..even if you dont do nc, dies he want to keep talking to you? And if he does, it’s more probably just to friendzoned you..

  21. W.L. - 0

    W.L.

    Sorry Amor I do have one more question! He just texted me, it was a friendly text sharing a link to a hobby I enjoy, he sent three texts one says “Thought you might like this.” should I completely ignore it and not respond…? I don’t want to feel friend zoned..but I also want to keep the door open…I don’t know how to approach this? thank you!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      it’s ok to reply because he’s the one who initiated it..just be the one to end it at high point..

  22. Chris Seiter - 4

    EBR Team Member: Amor

    maybe it went too fast in that late night walk but right now, actually there’s not really anything different that I can say. Doing another no contact will not have the same percentage of increasing your chances, but you still have to keep having your own life.. If he showed that he doesn’t want a relationship with you, then more intimate moves will look like you’re chasing.. Yeah, you can try being a little bit more distant and continue on improving yourself, being the ungetttable girl. It probably will help the chances, but right now, don’t move too fast.

    Reply
  23. bonnie - 0

    bonnie

    I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 11 months. In that time he has repeatedly told me he doesn’t feel like he can fall in love. He went through a very bitter divorce but it has been 4 years. I have fallen in love with him. A few days ago I told him I needed more communication. Every time I bring up anything about commitment he runs and he even told me that as soon as he gets close to someone, he runs away. I know I have been way too clingy, needy and available throughout the relationship.

    So, a few days ago I just stopped texting which was our main form of communication. Today begins day 3 of no contact. We didn’t even break up. When he gets scared he usually takes a couple days but this is the longest I’ve gone without hearing from him. Part of me wants to reach out but I”m so sick of feeling like a friend with benefits.

    Is there any chance that he can change or do I really just need to take him at his word and realize this man is never going to be in love with me? And that being said, could no contact actually work? I broke up with him in April and I did no contact but I only made it a couple weeks then I went right back to needy/clingy so I know it wasn’t enough time.

    And since we aren’t actually broken up, what do I do if he texts me? Thanks!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Bonnie,

      if he wants to change, he already did.. I understand you’re expecting him to but when a guy says he doesnt want commitment and you didnt leave, he’s taking it as a yes that you’re ok not to commit too

  24. Em - 0

    Em

    Hi, first of Amor, you really are an angel replying to all of these and helping as best you can. I hope you can help me the same way 🙂

    My ex boyfriend (he’s gay and he acts a bit like a girl, so maybe this is the wrong site, lol) and I split up months ago, but we stayed friends, we sort of friendzoned eachother without thinking about it, we considered eachother “best friends” and were still extremely intimate at times. Recently I wanted to get him back, but he refused, so I initiated the NC rule, I even told him I was going to ignore him/not contact him again until I get over him and move on, I said it could be months or even a year until we ever speak again. I realise in retrospect telling him I was initiating a form of NC wasn’t a good idea, but I stuck to it and it’s been nearly 2 weeks.

    Every day since (apart from one or 2 days), he’s messaged me, just telling me how his day went and he also initially got very annoyed that I was ignoring him. He didn’t think I was being serious. I’m still not sure that he does think I’m serious, I’m worried that I could wait 3 months and he’d say something like “oh you finally stopped being an idiot”. But part of me believes that really he’s upset that I’m not talking to him, as I provided him with stupid amounts of emotional support, he’s clearly a bit lost without it in my mind.

    I have also seen him change and update his dating profile on a popular app, from just an innocent face with a regular bio about looking for a nice guy etc… to now being overly sexual and changing his bio to try and lure in as much (shallow) attention as possible. This only happened recently, a clear fall from grace. (I saw this kind of behaviour when we were together and we had just split up, it was his coping mechanism, usually accompanied by a lot of alcohol consumption alone)

    Also his recent messages are less frequent and less detailed. i.e just 1 word in the last 3 days, of no significance commenting when I changed my profile picture.

    I see this as him losing control of his emotional stability, and I hope that it will mean he will seek me out eventually (and hopefully soon) to fill that hole.

    What do you think? Will continuing to 21 or 30 days (or longer?) improve my chances, or should I step in while he’s still on an emotional knife edge?

    I’m worried he’s at a turning point right now, and he might decide he can make it without me and move on for good (so I need to step him now and slowly/subtly remind him I’m a good option)

    Gahhh, I just don’t know what to do. I guess my short question is:

    Given the information above, how long should I wait to re-connect/continue no contact?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Em,

      most of the time, if you’re friendzoned, it would be better to do 30 or 45 days but it’s not about waiting… You have to improve yourself and he had to think that he should have just committed to you, instead of losing a great person, especially the wire he had connection with..

      his actions does show he misses you, and you’re just two weeks in. If you’re actively posting in social media, that’s very good..

  25. Allison - 0

    Allison

    My ex and I were together for a little over 6 months. He’s 32 and I’m 22. We were supposed to get engaged within the next two months. I picked the ring out and everything, all he had to do was purchase it. We were waiting for his parents to come from Italy to get engaged. About a month ago his brother got diagnosed with a rare form of cancer (he is extremely close to him like a best friend) and ever since then we started to argue a lot more (my ex was also hit with a big financial problem around the same time of his brothers diagnosis). It’s not that we never argued but it increased a lot more because he’s under a lot of pressure that he kept taking his anger out on me which made me lash out on him and etc.

    So about two weeks ago he broke up with me and told me that he can’t handle being in a relationship right now, he can’t handle the arguments the pressure and he said we don’t fit together. He also said that he thought about it a lot and knows that he will never get back with me because it won’t work. Of course I was devastated because I have been in relationships before and loved my SO but I never felt in love until him. Plus we were going to get engaged and I was so sure it was going to happen.

    I broke the no contact rule twice because I just couldn’t handle it (I am working on strengthening myself). The first time he texted me and I broke down and called him: we talked for like three hours. The second time I called him a few days later because he deleted his Facebook page and he said he did it because he couldn’t handle seeing pics of us together every time he went on there. Both phone calls we were crying and it’s been so hard on both of us because we can’t eat we can’t sleep well and it’s taken a toll on us and it makes me even more sad to know he’s hurting. The last conversation he told me we shouldn’t talk for a while because it’s making us both miserable.

    Since the last time I broke the NC I haven’t heard from him (three days ago). I really don’t want to give up on him I know we have something amazing I think it’s that we both have to grow up a little bit and work on ourselves as people and work on communication. Because we were so happy together we just don’t know how to communicate in arguments. I want to know how long I should do the NC and if you think there’s a chance that he will come back? Thanks so much for the help!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Allison,

      Try at least 30 days.. Yes, I do think you have a chance.. Use this time to improve yourself. Let him have his space and get a breather from maintaining a relationship. So, he can handle other problems in his life.

  26. Cyrus - 0

    Cyrus

    My ex and I were dating for only a month before we broke up, and the breakup was general breakup. Would you recommend 21 or 30 days no contact?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Cyrus,

      more likely either 2 or 3 weeks of no contact..

  27. Laurence Page - 0

    Laurence Page

    I was just wondering, Im on day 11 of no contact now, my relationship was only 6 months long (well officially boyfriend and boyfriend 3 months, but felt longer) it was part short distance part long distance….He’s 18 and i’m 23. He broke up with me… Because it wasnt as long as most peoples relationships do you think that I should do 21 days rather than 30?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      You should still do 30, because 21 days are more for two or three months or less but considering your unofficial time, you’ve been 6 months together.. and if the reason wasn’t really that big.. like, it was just an emotional decision after a small fight..

  28. Kate - 0

    Kate

    Hi there!

    So my husband/domestic partner from a year broke up with me on oct 11, we live together almost a year now, so he packed his things and left…. until oct 18 we where texting back and forth arguing about the relationship and he keeps saying Im the one to blame to that things are the way they are because he says I fight a lot, thats something not true, I just ask for respect because the mother of his daughtes is very uneducated even thou I have always been on the side of getting along with her she is just simply a bad person.

    So his daughters 18, 13, and 8 adore me they even call me mom and love to be with me. Long story short Ive help him grow so much he was not a good father he did not look for the girls nor spent time with her, when I got with him everything change the girls say it, all his family even the mother of the girls acknowledged that since Im in the picture he is a good father….

    Long story short on oct 18 I was desperate and went and look for him at his mother house and he treated me so bad, he was angry because he did not wanted to talk at all, and I kept pushing, I was devastated crying well a mess and he still treated me with a cold attitude. He told me to take a break, to go grab some air, get on a plane and clear my mind, he almost told me get lost…. so I did… I started the no contact rule on oct 18, the next day oct 19 (first day ncr) he texted me at 9pm “hey just texting to know if u r doing ok, good night”… on the next day oct 20 (second day ncr) he texted me again the same thing at 12:22am…and started blocking and unblocking me on whatsapp and remove the last seen online option…. on the third day he did not text, on the fourthday he texted “i hope you are doing ok”, and put the last seen online option On….on the fifthday he did not text….. and today sixth day around the time he always used to call me his lunch hour he text me ” i guess you are doing ok, because you haven’t answer my texts, I only want to know if you are doing ok, you blocked me on fb, and everywhere, you did not erased your facebook page like you said, you just blocked me, please do not comment anything on facebook I dont want my family to know nothing (Im friend with all his uncles, parents, cousin etc they love me)… have s good day, it does not matter if i can help you with anything im here if you want to” and since we work on the same place same company, different shifts but today I had an earlier shift and he saw my car and left a note on the door saying “since you do not answer my text, im leaving this note, i just want to know if you are doing ok, plus you blocked me on fb and not erased the page like you said, i dont want any problems, i just want to know that you are ok”……

    Sooooo…… so far?!!! Its working right?!, does he still has feelings for me?

    Reply
    • Kate - 0

      Kate

      Another thing I have him blocked on FB and whatsapp… and today a friend in common told me he asked a friend for his phone so he could check my facebook because I blocked him, he looked at my post and pictures…..thats why he said on the texts and notes that I didnot closer my fb account, that I blocked him…..

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Kate,

      Yeah, it looks like it’s working.. if you’re going to unblock him, don’t send a friend request.. Just keep doing what you’re doing now..

    • Kate - 0

      Kate

      Would it be a good idea to unblock him from fb? Or whatsapp? Or just stay out of the map.

      On monday and tuesday we are going to be on the same shift, I did told him before I dissappear to please do not make a scene on out work, cause I don’t want anybody to know…. but Im scared if he comes to me.. what should I do, if he just says “i just want to know if you are ok” and thats it. Im really scared, is he missing me? Does he still have feelings urrghhhh lol!!! Its been two days since no text from him after the note he left on my car.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      yes, unblock him but don’t send a friend request. Just be civil with him.. be polite and short if he talks to you but don’t initiate a conversation.

    • Kate - 0

      Kate

      Amorrrrr Im so anxious sorry for all the questions

      Unblock him on whatsapp also?!…. if he contacts me thru whatsapp what should I do?

      Also today he was with her daughters and the girls called me, we talked around an hour school related you know kids stuff, I guess he has not told the girls we are not together….

      Another question on monday we are on the same shift! What to do if he comes to me personally, or if he calls me thru our radio system that we used to says a number like a code so that way we where saying like hey call me or so

      Im so nervous, why he hasn’t contacted me again!!!

    • Kate - 0

      Kate

      So today on the 29th he texted me again -good night i hope you are ok–……
      Right before heading to an event with his fsmily and coworkers
      I have not unblocked him yet… im going to wait a little longer… will that be a bad decision?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      it’s ok if you dont.. just be polite and casual when you’re in person.. if he initiates a small talk, reply short and polite but if he’s being playful dont be playful

    • Kate - 0

      Kate

      So everything went to trash, he contacted me to access an account where he pays one of our cars, i helped him with it, but just short answer. At the end of my shift, as I was leaving the parking lot he stopped me, and started talking to me saying hi, and telling me that Ive blocked him blab blah, I said it is what it is, u ended it, im stepping back and continuin my life. He got in my car, and we talk about this and that, he is going on vacation he told me if i wanted to go i could not that he wanted me to be part of it but he knows i like to travel so we could go together…. he kept stating ive blocked him in all places… we looked at each other for like a minute straight to the eyes he left the car, and open my side door and told me to at least give him a kiss on the cheaks… i gave it and left…..

      He wants to be friends, i cant be his friend, i called him and told him so, crying like hell, i told him i could do that, it was not fare for me…. and said a bunch of other things and hangup….. he then called me to see if i was ok, i did not pick up… he called me again at my job, we talked normal, he told me to please be calm, and take things easy… i ended up crying again, he with same attitude that its my fault,… so I hang up, and textrd him, that he willl mo longer hear from me

      Im just a mess right now :-,(

    • Kate - 0

      Kate

      I guess I blew it… should have just went home after work, and not let him talk to me, should have just told him Im ok and thats it.. instead of all we have talk about, I once again letting show that he has not lost me….
      Im so frustrated what should I do now… he is going on vacation with the girls and he said like im not invited it hurts, I told him yesterday that we should seek profesional help like therapy or something… im so aggravated i just should have gone my way..,, can I fix this still?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      just don’t do it again..

  29. Cyrus - 0

    Cyrus

    Since my ex and I were only dating for only a month, what number of days of no-contact would you recommend?

    Reply
  30. Jessica - 0

    Jessica

    Hi!

    My name is Jessica, and I have recently went through a tough breakup, and really need some guidance on what to do next. It has been 4 months since we’ve broken up. I wasn’t able to walk away and give him time, and I made things fall apart because I didn’t understand anything that was going on. He would never tell me what to do or what to expect. I had to guess. I was able to back off and give him time twice, (only lasted a week) It was hard.

    I really want to skip over a lot so this message is not long and dreading to read. Basically, I begged. He came back. His mom didn’t like me. He left. He talked to his mom. We worked things out. Then it fell apart one night when I accused him of cheating because he ditched me. We didn’t speak. Then we started talking recently about 2 weeks ago, and we were explaining that we were both tired.

    He talked me into coming over to his house to have sex, and then went on a trip with his friends that night and ignored me that night and the next day. I felt so used and hurt, so I sent him a text saying I was done, and it was over. I deserved to be treated better. ( Which I do.. I give a guy my heart and soul ) and then I blocked him from texting me and Snapchat.

    I really want to be with this man, but I had to walk away from it all. Maybe I shouldn’t of blocked him, but he just hurt me so much, that I want him out of my life right now. I still want him back. I hate the thought of being with another man, but I feel as if there is no way I can ever be with him again.

    Like I said, we’ve been back and forth for the last 4 months. So I am sure he is gone. If there is any chance, or hope, I would do anything to have him love me again or even speak to me.

    I am just lost, and no one can explain it.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Jessica,

      You need to do at least 45 days of no contact..what was the first reason of the break up? and how old are you both?

  31. T - 0

    T

    My boyfriend and I split on relatively good terms, deciding that we argued too much and we’d lost attraction (really silly reasons neither of us really believed in), we stayed very close, even “best”, friends for a few months after, still having sex… still very intimate, holding hands often etc., always looking out for eachother, but without the commitment/responsibility of a real relationship.

    I eventually decided I wanted him back, I explained where I went wrong and why I felt we worked, he was shocked that I’d admitted to things that truly bothered him in the relationship, but still said he felt like he should really move on, because he’s lost a desire to have a relationship with me(even though he still holds feelings of love/connection for me, admittedly).

    However, just after I did this, he started dating another guy, after the 4th date I said we need to stop seeing each-other like we are seeing each-other (having sex, being intimate etc.), and move on… in essence I initiated a NC without thinking it through, and then on the 5th date, he text me to tell me his “date” was now his “girlfriend”. So I explained to him that with him having someone else, officially meant that we need to stop having sex, stop seeing each-other all the time, doing everything together (we did everything together, including sleeping together, except for when he was on his “dates” with this 1 person) and stop seeing eachother. Like the lyrics of Kim Wilde – Leave me hanging on (yes I quoted the lyrics to him, he loves the song lol), I told him I need him out of my life, so I can move on, and so he can fully commit.

    I’m under the belief that he will realise quickly that this new relationship wont fulfill him in the aspects I was fulfilling him (emotionally, as a very very close friend) and that he will come back to me asap.

    During our period of friendship/semi NC I have been improving myself, I found a good job, I’ve lost weight, I’ve quit a lot of bad habbits I had, I dress better, I look better, I stayed chirpy and funny, kept a smile on his face… so when I opened up to him, I expected him to say yes to wanting me back…

    Though obviously now he’s said he’s got a new girlfriend, and he’s denied my advances, I initiated NC a week ago today. Since then he’s texted me at least 2 times every day, first anger for ignoring him, followed quickly by just telling me how his day went… “oh I went here today, I watched this on TV, I cooked this food…” and so on. Even telling me how his day was with his new girlfriend, telling me he went for a long walk and that he’s upset because he can’t stay the night with her this weekend. Then 3 hours later telling me about a TV show again… Always short, to the point texts, no emotion really shown, other than telling me how bored he is.

    Is this a good sign? I’m worried this could continue for ages, or that he’ll just give up talking to me altogether, and come day 21/30/45, he’ll have completely moved on.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi T,
      it’s a good a sign but if he stops, it doesn’t mean he has moved on right away.. he may have just realized you’re not responding, so he has to stop..it doesnt mean he doesnt want to talk to you anymore..

    • T - 0

      T

      Thank you

      So I should expect him to maybe stop for a while, and then come rushing back to me with apologies and/or positive messages about our relationship?

      Also I’ve heard from a friend of his that his new relationship isn’t serious at all. In fact he’s still looking outside of it in other strangers to try and get the attention…

      Not sure what this means for me though

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      that would be good for you if he does that, but sometimes they just stay silent.. If he’s relationship is not serious, that means it’s just rebound which is another good sign for you.. Just focus in improving yourself now because you only have a short time that that’s the only thing you have to think about. After nc, you still have to continue your routine while rebuilding rapport with him..

  32. Bella - 0

    Bella

    Hi!
    I am currently on day 18 of NC. I lost all of the pictures on my camera roll during an update. On Sunday, I remembered the only place the photos were available was via Facebook Messenger w/ my ex. I went through saving the images I loved. I thought I locked my screen after that and went to do something. After a couple minutes I went back to my phone and saw that I had accidentally pressed the call button on messenger. My ex had a missed call and a quick voice message (obviously it said nothing). The next day he messaged me “Are you alright? What was the call about?” and of course I didn’t respond because I am not in contact stage.
    Do you think he will understand it was an accident or do you think I have to extend NC now?

    Thanks

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Bella,

      nope you dont have to restart.. you can tell him it was just an accident and then leave it at that..

  33. Jessica - 0

    Jessica

    Hi Amor!
    tomorrow is gonna be day 30 of no contact. we’re both 24 and we were together for 3 months. he broke up with me because he said we weren’t compatible and we fight alot (once a week and not so intense actually) and eventually we will breakup so it doesn’t have a future. we fought the night before he broke up with me – i wanted a little bit time to sleep on things and he got mad and reacted angrily, if i wanted a little space during an argument he became stressed and said that he doesnt like it when im distant. he was very serious about me from the very beginning and few days before the breakup he met my father, i met his sister, he told me he loved me for the 1st time and insisted to give me a key to his place. people thought we will get married because he was very serious about me from the start and talked about the future alot. his guy friends didn’t like the fact that he has a girlfriend and that he is so invested in her (hes the more casual type i guess). at the same weekend was my birthday and i we were supposed to stay at his parents house and celebrate over there – it didn’t happen. at the breakup he said that he once broke up with an ex and they got back together and it was horrible so he cant do it again and this is a final decision. he also cried and said i made him a better person and that he loves me and he will regret it but this is the right decision that he wanted to do it couple of times but when he saw me he just couldn’t because he love me so much (to tell the truth it sounds like a lie and that he did it out of anger and to take control to his hands). i have a feeling that his friends told him what to say or prepared him for this. unfortunately at the time of the breakup i begged and pleaded (not the normal me at all) and at 1st he said lets try again and than he said no and also he said he cant get hurt like this and its also not healthy for me (he was very emotional about everything that i did and we had an intensive relationship..blind love for the good and bad from both of us). i met him accidentally a week after the breakup at a coffee shop and he asked me to sit with him – i said i have errands and left. 10 minutes later he texted me it was nice to see me but i probably wasn’t happy to see him. that i look good and that its nice to see it and he hopes that one day we could eat together in a natural and comfortable way. i didn’t reply – it sounded like he wanted to be friends and i think he felt abit cocky. since than he didn’t contacted me and i passed my 30 days with no contact. i have a feeling that maybe he is stubborn with his decision. we study at the same university and studies start in 10 days, we also live across the street from each other – we kind of planned it . he said he will bring back my stuff at the breakup and at the coffeehouse but he didn’t talk to me about this. my roommate is his in group of friends and she said he told her we met accidentally. i know why we broke up – i became needy and lost my identity. he became controlling. we both did mistakes but the emotional connection between us was genuine and real until we lost ourselves at the end. i seek for advice. to wait until school start (10 days- im not from USA) or contact him now? i dont want to look desperate after he broke up with me (before my BD) and i begged during the breakup. any advice?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      hi Jessica,

      I think it would be better if you start when schools starts

  34. Jasmine - 0

    Jasmine

    Hello I really need help with no contact . What book should I get? I tried no contact so many times but I text him back when he texts for fear of him moving on. He cheated on me several times and abused me verbally and once physically. I don’t know why I am so drawn to him but I can barely stand the days when I don’t speak to him as I imagine him moving on. When we get along he is wonderful then has this very scary narcissistic side that shows up if you blame him for how hurt you are from all the. Heating and abuse.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      hi Jasmine,

      we dont advice going back to an abusive relationship.. You need professional therapy to help you move on from him

  35. Mya - 0

    Mya

    Hi Guys,

    So I was with my boyfriend for 7 years, we met in high school and it went from there (same university too), during the last 4 years it was hard…we both changed and became different people whilst working, studying etc. This last year though has been extra tough, and it caused me to cheat. I slept with someone and even though I regretted it, he found out and has basically broken up with me. He has not explicitly said – WE ARE OVER but it feels like the end. I have been reading all the info on this site and from Chris and I have decided to do the 21 day NC rule.. so far I am on day 2. He said he wanted space and the last thing he said was leave me alone.

    What are my next steps? If he messages how do I respond? Do I have a shot with this.

    I have realised more than ever that I want him back and I love him and planned to marry the guy – things just got hard and I made the wrong choice.

    Any advice, pointers would help!

    Thanks
    Mya

    Reply
  36. SC - 0

    SC

    my ex broke up with me two weeks ago during a fight. we’ve been together for a year and a half, and within the last 6 months we’ve been fighting more and more. in the past we’ve broken up twice but that would only last for a couple of days. and within the recents months, talks of breaking up have come up but we never went through with it because he thought that we would work through it and get better, and so did i. so two weeks ago he broke up with me because he can’t stand fighting anymore, and fighting over the same shit, and he doesn’t believe that we can get better. he said that he was exhausted and he has done all that he can to make it work. and he doesn’t know if he loves me anymore.
    fast forward a few days of no contact post breakup, he texts me asking if he can pick up his shirt. he comes over, and we talked. i wanted to get back together, and i told him that i can change and be better for him, and that i realized how shitty it has been over the few months etc etc but he’s still upset and a little resentful that it has taken me this long to realize what I want and how I’ve treated him in the past. He thinks that I don’t love him because I didn’t show it, he also remembers how I would say that he’s not the one for me, which made him feel like he loved me more than i loved him, and I’ve made him feel like I don’t accept him for who he is. He said its too late for us and he doesn’t want to put in the effort again to make it work. Also, he said that he missed me but doesn’t know if he still loved me. He really wants to get back together too but he can’t break up with me for a second time.
    After that conversation, we haven’t talked. I stumbled upon this website recently and I guess I’m back in NC and its currently day 9.
    I don’t know what to do. I still love him and I want to make it work. But i also know that i shouldn’t hang on to someone who has given up. i feel like he knows how badly i feel and how i would do anything to make this work for one last time. what should i do? get over him or get him back?

    side note, i don’t know if this is significant or not, but his Facebook profile picture is still of us but his relationship status is now hidden. although he’s not super active on Facebook, he does go on it several times a day. and last week when he came over to get his shirt, he told me that he didn’t tell his brother that we broke up, which i thought was strange because they’re pretty close. does this mean anything?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi SC,

      that means it’s either there’s still hope, or he just wants to take time before dealing with everybody else’s reaction.. This time, don’t think much about him… just focus in healing and improving yourself and then decide after no contact if you want to rebuild connection with him

    • SC - 0

      SC

      My ex messaged me for the first time since our last conversation. He said that he was sorry for the way we ended, and he thanked me for the wonderful year we had together. What could he mean by sending that message? And since I’m still doing NC for another week, should I still ignore his message? After NC, do I reply to what he just said?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      I think he’s wondering why you’re ignoring him..yep just ignore that now.. you can thank him in the same first contact message after nc..but just thank him.. dont elaborate much on what he said

  37. Carol - 0

    Carol

    What do I do if this is someone I’ve had fun with virtually but we aren’t a couple. He never messages me first but he does respond 90% of the time.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Carol,

      I’m going to be brutally honest. If you’re not his girlfriend, stop acting like one.. If you really want to be treated like a girlfriend, don’t give him the benefits of being a girlfriend.

  38. Emma - 0

    Emma

    My question is that my ex is wanting to drop some of my stuff that I left at his house back to me this week meaning I cant engage in the no contact rule until after he does so, should i ask him to drop the stuff of at a later date or let him drop it of and then start the no contact rule? Just a bit of background … my 5mnth relationship just ended after we had a drunken disagreement on commitment and I think i freaked him out, as everything seemed really good within our relationship before hand and I even met his family the weekend before. His reasoning for ending it was that he couldn’t give me what I wanted and that he’d been feeling guilty, as he was seeing me fall more and more in love with him and he didn’t necessarily feel the same way (he even mentioned there being no spark), which i don’t completely understand as I saw him falling for me to. Thing is we use to talk everyday he’d either call me on his way home or message me and when we were together we would be constantly laughing, having fun and he would give me constant public affection and though there wasn’t talk of a massive future commitment he would say things that indicated he was in this for the long haul.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Emma,

      So what was it that you said that freaked him out? You can still do the no contact rule even if you have to give his things, just make sure that you only talk about these things. No relationship no feelings at all.

  39. Laura - 0

    Laura

    Hi, I have a question about no contact. A bit of background – my finance broke up with me after almost 3 years together, almost 1 year engaged, and 3 years of a very close friendship prior to starting our relationship. We were having some issues but the kind of thing that can be worked on when you love each other, have a strong friendship etc… A lot of it was to do with my confidence and the stress that caused. To be fair to him he had been very patient with me for a long time but the last few months I have been doing loads better (mainly because I’d finally been diagnosed with something that does actually cause confidence issues, depression, etc, and that’s helped to get it under control)

    When he broke up with me he asked about trying to remain friends because he would hate to lose his best friend, I said I’d think about and then I texted a few days later to say I’d like to try being friends but not meet up too often. However, I’ve since found this website (thank you!) and decided I need to do no contact for myself as well as him. Who knows whether he’ll come round at the end of it but we’ll see and hopefully I’ll have moved on enough to be ok-ish if the worst happens!

    Anyway, my question is this – he texted me today to say “I am up for meeting sometime this week if you still want to”, could you advise me on the best way to respond to this please? I guess I don’t want to be too obivous about the no contact thing… Maybe I can just say I need some space??

    Thanks in advance 🙂

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi laura,

      yeah, you can tell him you can’t handle being just friends in the moment and that you need space

  40. Claire Roland - 0

    Claire Roland

    Hi,

    So I had a few questions, I guess, just based on my situation. My ex broke up with me two weeks ago, and I was very blind sided by it. He told me at about 2 months ago he stopped liking me as much as he had when we first got together (we were together for 9 months). He said I was a great girlfriend and did nothing wrong so this was extremely hard for him, and he wanted to remain friends. I met up with him two days later to talk, but just like when he dumped me, I just kept asking him to give me another chance to make the relationship work, but I was denied. He just had never talked to me about what was going on. The last two months we did start arguing more because I would pick fights because of hard things that were going on in my life, and I feel like this has a huge play on why this happened. However, we talked lightly after he told me he had no interest in getting back together. When he was drunk he messaged me a lot over snap chat and even tagged me in a cute animal video like he did when we were together, but then didn’t talk to me for 3 days. I let him know that bothered me and we met up last night and talked for 3 hours trying to figure out a way to be friends because he seems to really want that. When we talked he told me he wasn’t 100% sure about the break up and he could develop feelings for me again. He told me he misses me sometimes and even went as far to check my tumblr to see how I was feeling. After knowing all of this, and seeing him and having it feel so comfortable and good (we laughed and joked a lot), I suggested we be irresponsible and sleep together. He was conflicted at first and stuck wanting us to be friends, but before I left changed his mind and we had sex. After we had sex, he texted me asking if I was still okay, and he told me he felt less tense emotionally and physically. What does that mean? This seems to be headed in a direction of friends with benefits. This morning he sent me a few Snapchats but that was brief and I haven’t heard from him much. When we talked the previous night, he kept saying he wanted to keep our talking brief because he felt if he got to close to me he would gain feelings again. Since I’ve made this situation so complicated, is no contact still the best option to get him back? Do I tell him I’m embarking in no contact? He’s a pretty stubborn guy and wants to stick to what he thinks is right, so after no contact do I just text him like normal? Should I tell him I miss him if he doesn’t say he misses me? Since we’ve been broken up for two weeks already and he still feels certain about this decision do you think a month of no contact at all will make a difference? I’m committed to bettering myself, but I want him in my life. It’s been the best relationship of my life and I truly see a bright future with this guy. Feedback would be awesome on how to handle no contact, especially after when I text him because I don’t know if he did miss me, if he would even admit it.

    Thanks!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Claire,

      there’s not guarantee that the no contact rule will work but don’t suggest to sleep together again because you would really end up in being friends with benefits. Nope, don’t tell him you’re doing no contact..

  41. Sarah - 0

    Sarah

    I try to do no contact but we see each other every day at work and always when we see each other, there’s this sexual attraction. And we are sleeping with each other. He doesn’t want to commit and I always tell him it’s fine but actually I do it because I want him back. What shall I do? I don’t know what to do.

    Reply
    • Sarah - 0

      Sarah

      I told him now that I don’t want anything from him and that I need distance. He will not reach out for me anymore and he got really cold. As he knows that distance is the only way I can move on. Should I just let go of him now? We said goodbye in a very angry way… And he was so cold.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Why not finish no contact rule first before deciding if you would move on or not? Review this podcast:
      EBR 032: What To Do If You Work With Your Ex Boyfriend
      Don’t be friends with benefits again. That lowers your value.

  42. Cristina - 0

    Cristina

    Hello,

    So I began No Contact on the first of September. Unfortunately I had to text him for work purposes yesterday. It was concise and to the point but polite and friendly. He replied briefly right away and I responded a couple hours later. He didn’t not respond to that message at all. Today he messaged me once regarding the work matter (I needed a file from him). It was very brief. I thanked him and he did not reply. I’m just getting nervous because I was originally supposed to initiate contact with him on the first of October, but I’m afraid he wont respond. I can’t tell where his mind is at. Do you think I should extend my No Contact further than 30 days? He never contacted me at all during the rest of the month, but I wasn’t expecting him too because he’s very stubborn.

    Background on the break up: 2 year relationship, we were in love, same values and goals in life. Both from different countries though which was a stressor. He was graduating from university and we would have been doing distance for a bit (I have a job lined up in the same city when I graduate next year). But ultimately he broke up with me and it was a hurtful break up. He left me for a mutual friend but he didn’t cheat on me nor did they have this “thing” together for very long (it was only after two weeks of this girl telling her she liked him that he broke up with me). I don’t know if they are together right now but three weeks after we had broken up they weren’t. To me, I feel like this other girl was a convienent escape for my ex because he was scared and we had been stressing about the future all summer. When we were breaking up he was saying contradicting things like how things had been getting a lot better between us (over the summer since our stresses caused short fights at the beginning of summer), how I was one the best people that he knows and how I am too good for him.

    What do you think based upon this?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hmmm.. It depends more on how you improved during 30 days, if you didn’t improve, yes you should extend but if you did, there’s no need to extend. But you also need to keep improving yourself even after nc, while you’re building rapport with him.

    • Cristina - 0

      Cristina

      Oh I have definitely approved by leaps and bounds! Thanks for your assistance Amor

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      you’re welcome!

  43. Alyssa - 0

    Alyssa

    Well I followed the 2 texts only for day 2. Then I got another one, “Actually, you should probably just cut me out of your life completely. Probably would be much better that way. Have a good one though!” I guess its time to move on completely.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Unfortunately yes, Alyssa. He said it straight.

  44. Lucy - 0

    Lucy

    Hi, my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me out of the blue one day (about 3 weeks ago). He went on a trip with his friends and we got in an argument and when he came over to talk about the argument he sat me down and said he couldn’t do this anymore. He said he thinks we are too different and that our personalities don’t make sense for a marriage in the future. This was completely out of left field because just two days before we were talking about marriage, and he was telling me about how much he loves me. He had also given me a promise ring about 3 years into our relationship. We met up a few days after the initial breakup and he said he still wanted to break up, and when I said goodbye he started sobbing talking about how these have been the best years of his life. He then became very mean and cold towards me and now won’t talk to me or any member in my family at all. His family has reached out to me a couple times telling me how sorry they are and that they miss me. I have been doing this NC for about 2 weeks now, after I sent him a message and he didn’t reply. We are still friends on all social media, and he seems to be doing fine and not missing me. I’m just very shocked and confused still and don’t really know what to do. Any help would be great.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Lucy,

      You said two days before he broke up with you he said he loves you, so that means the trip was one day before he broke up with you? Or he said that while he was in the trip? Do you always fight? Do you think he realized the relationship got boring and there’s more out there after the trip?
      That’s good that you’re already in nc.. Are you actively improving yourself?

    • Lucy - 0

      Lucy

      Hi,
      He told me he loved me while he was on the trip. I would say that we fought the normal amount. In our 5 years together we have had very few huge fights. They are usually small arguments that get fixed that day. He is very bad at communicating how he feels, and he said he has been considering it for months after he got back from his trip. He recently just got hired for a job he’s been working for with his entire life, and since then people have been commenting non stop about how we need to get engaged. I never thought that anything was wrong between us, but he just kept saying that we have different interests, which never seemed to bother him before. I am on week 2 of NC, but this week has been tough and I’m always having to talk myself out of texting him. He is showing no interest in talking to me because he is so stubborn. I do think there is a possibility that he is wanting to see what else is out there. We have been together since we were 17 and in high school, and now we are 22.

    • Lucy - 0

      Lucy

      And I just want to clarify that when I mean “interests” I mean activities. He is very active and likes to be outside and while I like to be outside I’m not athletic so I usually just watch him do his activities. we have the same values and beliefs and everything. During the break up he talked about how me doing the activities would have been nice but he never really asked me to participate in them with him. Every once in a while he would and when he did, I usually would participate in them so that he felt like I cared, because I did.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      hmm.. yeah the trip might really be the trigger or he already had that in his mind before the trip and then you fought and it’s just easier to break up with you while he’s there because it’s not personal.. Check this out for what you can do during nc:
      EBR 060: “Dating Yourself” During No Contact With Veronica Grant

    • Lucy - 0

      Lucy

      He actually broke up with me in person the day he got home from the trip, when I didn’t apologize for getting in the argument with him. I think that he is just scared about all the changes happening in his life and is pushing me away. I just don’t really understand how he can go from being in love with me one day and then two days later saying he isn’t anymore and then he cuts me out of his life. The podcast was very helpful, and will hopefully make the NC time easier. When my no contact is up, do I contact him, and if so what am I supposed to say to him?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Yes, you can initiate contact.. Choose a topic a topic that he loves talking about.. Uh, I don’t want to look like I just keep pointing your to different articles but it’s just the ones I recommend can help you more compared to me explaining it. So, here it is.. You can check it for first contact message.
      EBR 053: Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message

  45. Fanny - 0

    Fanny

    Hi! My boyfriend and I were together for a Little bit more than a year LDR until this tuesday. (No contact since then.) We really loved each other and cared for each other and Were like best friends during our time together. Two months ago his father sadly passed away, I was there for him and he let me be there for him. Everything was still Good in our relationship after that and he always Said he was lucky to have someone like me in their life. Just the day before he broke up we talked about our future and he asked when we could see each other again (since we had long distance). The morning after he suddenly told me that he didnt think he was strong enough to be in a relationship with all his grief, and that he needed to concentrate on himself and his family for the time being, which meant that he had to let me go. I could tell it was really hard for him to do so, and I could also see how much pain he was in over the loss of his father which made it even harder for me to let him go but I had to respect his decision. I asked him if he really meant making plans with me the day before and he Said he really meant making them because that was what he wanted. When we parted he kissed me and Said he loved me and was thankful for all I had done for him, also he Said I could contact him whenever I felt like it or needed someone to talk to, and Maybe send him a letter. Later same day he texted me saying “Maybe someday it could be we again”.

    Now, should I use the no contact rule here? Even though I want him to miss me I also don’t want him to think that I stopped caring for him just because he broke up. I’m afraid that if I start ignoring him he Will lose trust in me being there for him and make him think I don’t Love him anymore. I’m also afraid that if I’m there for him “too much”, he Will feel like I didn’t respect his decision and that I’m not giving him time to concentrate on himself.
    Does it need to be 30 days no contact when I really care about his well-being, or does he need me to give him 30 days-ish so he can be alone? I know he still loves me so it’s really hard to know what to do to not ruin anything.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Fanny,

      He asked time for himself. So, it’s just fair that you ask time for yourself too to heal. You’re not actually ignoring him forever. You’re just going to leverage this time to improve yourself as well. To help yourself influence the way he thinks about you by improving yourself. That way your absence and your improvement can help in dissociating you with negativity or sad memories in his life. For me, you can tell him you’re going to need space to heal too and when you’re ready, you’ll reconnect.. Just don’t tell him it’s no contact and don’t tell him for how long.

    • Fanny - 0

      Fanny

      Since the break up I’ve realized that I too needed time, and even though I miss him I feel like this could be good for both of us. I will continue focusing on improving myself and feeling good about myself.
      Now it’s been almost two weeks without contact. If he hasn’t contacted me in two more weeks (30 days), do you think I should be the one to initiate contact even though this was a different situation with him needing time to focus on himself? Do you think he even will contact me before 30 days? And if I’m the one to initiate contact, how should I contact him?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      It’s ok to initiate contact.. honestly, I’m not sure if he will contact you during the no contact rule.. but if you decide to initiate after 30 days, follow this one:
      EBR 053: Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message

    • Fanny - 0

      Fanny

      Yeah I’m not sure either. When he wrote “maybe someday it will be we again”, it maybe didn’t mean he would reach out that soon, or at all if he suspects I have moved on..?

      When we broke up and he said I could contact him if I wanted to, I talked about sending a letter because I wouldn’t be able to handle the “intensity” of text messaging. Then when he took me to the train station he randomly hinted that he would appreciate a letter, so I had a plan to send him a letter after the no contact period is over. Since we have a different situation with the distance and that he is grieving, does it seem like a good idea? A letter seems more personal in some way, and the point with the letter would rather be me hoping he and his family are doing okay, how I have appreciated this time apart and that I still respect his decision, than trying to “win him over”. I do want him back, I just want it to be honest and not straight forward…
      Does it sound like a good idea or should I go with text messaging instead?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      we don’t actually recommend sending a letter but if he said that that’s what he appreciates, then go ahead 🙂

  46. Alyssa - 0

    Alyssa

    I guess I’ll start with a little background. The relationship was great, but he’s been dealing with depression since before we met and being long distance was not helping. We saw eachother 2 weeks before it ended, we talked about buying a house, marriage, kids, he was dead set on moving to be with me, then it was time for him to go back. When he got back, he was so upset about being back home and wanted nothing but to be back with me. then 2 weeks later, he left me. he said he wasn’t happy with himself and needed to work on himself. then he begged me not to go so he could look at me just a little bit longer (whatever that means). then he wasn’t sure what he was doing. then we were holding eachother back.then a few more excuses. eventually i got fed up and told him if he wants to leave then leave. But then he wouldnt hang up the skype call. he started crying and apologizing for not keeping his promises (about getting married etc etc). at this point i was so fed up and upset, i told him he didnt get to apologize and hung up. we haven’t talked since. I became a gnat for the first day after the breakup. then i stopped contacting him. The 30 day mark is coming up and neither has made contact. the first week i removed myself from almost everything that would tempt me into contacting him and i started working on myself. I lost 15 pounds, started going out more with friends, and even planned a trip to hawaii (next week). changed my profile picture a few times (ive been working on feeling better about myself and as a result, many pictures have been taken lol) and ive noticed every time i changed my picture, he would remove himself from a chat we used or unfollow me on something else. he hasnt done it to everything (yet) but with every picture change, i get some notification that he left a group or unfollowed me on something that was trivial. im not really sure whats going on. with the 30 day mark approaching, i really dont know what to do. any advice?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Alyssa,

      That means he’s still affected with your posts, which is probably a good sign. I hope he did some improving with himself.. When you start talking again, just take it slow. Don’t open up any relationship topic at first. Check this one: EBR 053: Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message

    • Alyssa - 0

      Alyssa

      Alright, I’ll keep that in mind. Do you think it would be a good idea to extend it to 45 days? I’m honestly not sure if I’m ready to break no contact at 30 days. It still feels very new and I’m honestly afraid of the possible rejection. I was not expecting him to react by pulling back after seeing me happy (ish). do you think he is trying to phase me out because he’s moving on or could he be doing this intentionally to get back at me?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      since you’re not ready, it’s ok to extend. It’s more possible that he’s hurt by seeing you happy.

    • Alyssa - 0

      Alyssa

      I woke up feeling much better about the situation (and more in control of my mindset) and decided to make contact (I’ve already hit the 30 day mark) I got an instant response to which i waited a little bit, responded and ended the conversation. It took him an hour to respond to me again, but he completely ignored that i said i had to get back to work (my conversation ender) and responded in a way that made it seem like the conversation would continue. i have not responded and plan to follow the text schedule. Since he didn’t acknowledge me ending the conversation, should I pick back up where it left off when I text again? And should I think anything of the fact that he ignored me ending the conversation? thanks for all your help

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      maybe it’s not really ignoring your message, it’s just that it doesn’t need a reply.. If the topic didn’t really end at that conversation then yes, you can continue it.

  47. Ash - 0

    Ash

    I was seeing a guy for about 3 months, and I’ve never connected so well with a man before in my life. Apparently, I wasn’t showing him that I was interested enough so he moved on to another girl (this new girl is a plain Jane so I really don’t think it’s going to work out for them). I went crazy after this and did every mistake Chris says not to do in an attempt to win him back and in turn, it pushed him further into the arms of the other girl. This guy then tells me he wants nothing to do with me and he and his new girl have blocked me on Facebook. I’m currently 26 days into the no contact rule, neither of us have attempted any contact at all. Do you think the 30 day no contact will be successful for me? Do you have any other advice for my situation?

    Reply

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