It’s been a while since I’ve written about the no contact rule so I figured now was a good time for me to update you on my philosophy regarding it. You see, one of my greatest fears for this website is that it gets out of date.

I don’t want this to be one of those websites that is a flash in the pan. You know, the kind of website that has really good content for a few years and then all of a sudden just falls off the map. Nope, I want this website to always stay up to date and in tune with it’s audience.

As a result, I am always updating my philosophy on things.

You can see that I have done that here and here.

If there is one constant in this life it’s change and this website is no different. So, as my thoughts on things change. Ex Boyfriend Recovery will change as well to reflect them.

Why is this so important?

Well, I already explained that it keeps the website up to date but as time moves on and I formulate more and more game plans for women and I see more situations I become better and better at helping people get their exes back.

If you take my knowledge today and compare it to the knowledge I had when I first started this little website it’s like night and day.

Anyways, you are probably getting tired of me talking so lets dive right in to the new way of looking at the no contact rule.

But before we do so, I encourage you to first check out my popular eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book”!

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What Is The No Contact Rule?

what is it precious

Ah what a great question.

The no contact rule is without a doubt one of the most important strategies that you can employ to get your ex boyfriend back.

When you look at the big picture of the overall strategy of getting a boyfriend back you can generally divide the strategy into three separate parts.

  1. Before No Contact
  2. During No Contact
  3. After No Contact

Before No Contact

This is usually the time where you are desperate to get your ex boyfriend back and you make every mistake in the book. I am talking about mistakes like becoming a GNAT, having him perceive you a desperate and coming off as super needy.

It is also during this time that most women stumble upon Ex Boyfriend Recovery and actually learn about the no contact rule.

During No Contact

This is the period of time when you are actually implementing the no contact rule on your ex boyfriend.

To be honest there isn’t much more that I can say that can fill this section out.

If you are in NC then you are in the “During No Contact” time frame.

After No Contact

Yup, you guessed it!

Basically this is the period of time from when the no contact rule ends to when you get your ex boyfriend back (if you do end up getting him back)

So, what is the point of me even telling you all of this? Well, generally women who decide that they do want to get their ex boyfriends back AND use the no contact rule to do so will spend half of their strategy in the no contact rule and half of their strategy outside the no contact rule.

My point?

If the no contact rule is going to eat up half of your overall strategy to get your ex boyfriend back then it’s kind of a big deal and you should fully grasp it.



I just realized I haven’t even fully explained what the no contact rule.

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The No Contact Rule Explained

let me sum up

This isn’t as complicated as people make it out to be.

Why?  Because I wrote an awesome book, called “The No Contact Rule Book“, so go pick up a copy!

When someone says the words “No Contact” what is the first thing that pops into your head?

No = Not Any (I actually looked in the dictionary for that definition 😉 .)

Contact = A meeting, communication or relationship with someone.

So, if “No” means not any and “Contact” means meeting, communication or relationships then combining the two would basically mean,

No Contact- Not any meetings, communication or relationships with someone.

Could that be accurate to what the no contact rule is?


That is entirely accurate.

Basically the no contact rule is a period of time where you aren’t going to have any meetings, relationships or communications with a certain someone. Of course, that certain someone is going to be your ex boyfriend.

Now, can you pick out the key of the sentence above?

It’s when I said “a period of time.”

I want to make this as clear as possible because I get so many women who make this mistake.

The no contact rule isn’t meant to be forever or until your ex boyfriend comes crawling back. It’s only meant to be for a certain amount of time and that’s it. In other words, once that time frame is up your no contact rule ends immediately and you start to go on the offensive to get your boyfriend back.

What The Purpose Of The No Contact Rule Is (The Effect It Has On Men)


Lets talk about the purpose of the no contact rule.

Above I explained what the no contact rule is but I didn’t explain what it does.


Perhaps I need to explain this a little better.

Basically this section is all about the effect that the no contact has on men.

However, in order for me to properly explain this effect we are going to have to do a little role playing.

What’s this role play over?

Well, lets pretend that you are implementing the no contact rule on your ex boyfriend and things are going well. What I would like to do is explain why things are going well. In other words, I want to explain the effect no contact is having on your ex.

Get it now?

Ok, lets begin.

What Happens To A Man When The No Contact Works

Before I dive in to this I think it’s my duty to explain what the no contact rule working actually looks like.

(Ready for the role play 😉 .)

Ok,  lets say that you decide that you want to do the no contact rule on your ex. After much thought you determine that you want to do the 30 day rule so that means for the next thirty days you are going to be ignoring your ex in every shape or form possible.

Around day 3 your ex boyfriend ends up texting you something like,


Ok, while that little “hey” message he sends you is pretty generic it’s a positive start.

Of course, since you are in the no contact rule you cannot break your silence so you do the smart thing and continue ignoring him.

Your ex, being the persistent man he is decides to continue texting your throughout your no contact period until you finally end up with a message like this,

are you getting these

Another good sign.

It looks like your ex is starting to get annoyed that you are ignoring him. Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if he reached out to you accusing you of ignoring him on purpose (which you totally are.)

Of course, as time goes on within the 30 day time frame he begins to soften up and eventually starts sending text messages like,

miss you


I think it’s safe to say that the no contact rule is having the effect on him that you were hoping.

In other words, IT’S WORKING!

But why?

What is happening inside the head of a man where the no contact rule is working?

Allow me to explain!

What Is Going On Inside The Mind Of A Man During A Successful No Contact Rule

going on

In order to understand what is going on inside the mind of a man during a successful no contact rule you need to understand a bit about the way humans are.

I want you to imagine two children playing at the park.

One child is playing with a toy in a sandbox while the other child is playing with a toy as well. The two children have been best friends for a very long time and are talking to each other. All of a sudden one child gets upset with the other one and decides to ignore the other child.

What do you think happens?

Well, the one child that is getting ignored probably is going to go crazy trying to get acknowledged.

Get it?


Ok, how can I put this in an even better way.

Oh I got it!

What does a baby do when a mother starts to ignore it?

The baby starts to cry, right?


Probably because the baby is trying to get attention from the mother.

In fact, a famous experiment was done to illustrate this point.

It’s called the “still face” experiment. It basically consists of having a mother sit in front of a baby and start blankly at the baby with a still face.

What do you think happens?

Find out for yourself by watching the video below,

Pretty crazy, right?

Basically the baby went berserk trying to get the mothers attention when the mother went still.

In a weird way I think this is happening inside men when they are ignored via the no contact rule.

Women are always commenting that they don’t know why their ex boyfriend is reacting so crazily during the no contact rule. Well, this is actually why.

No one likes to be ignored.

(Even babies.)

But did you notice what happened with the baby when the mother went from being “still” to being loving again?

All of a sudden all was right in the world.

The baby stopped crying and starting smiling again.

I have found that this same effect happens after the no contact rule is lifted on an ex.

So, for those women who are worried that the no contact rule may be too harsh on their exes and that their exes will hold a grudge for the rest of their life I have two things to tell you.

  1. From what I have seen from women who use the no contact rule it is rare for a man to hold a grudge.
  2. Why would you want to be with a man who would hold a grudge over something so trivial?

Now, another thing you may be wondering is why some men react sweetly during the no contact rule and some men react in a negative way.

Again, I would like to point to the “still experiment” above.

Notice how when the mother first starts ignoring her baby the baby doesn’t cry or throw a tantrum.

The baby smiles…

It smiles because it assumes that the mother will mirror the smile.

It is only after half a minute of stillness that the baby starts to cry.

The same can be said about men who are nice during NC and mean who are a tad mean during it.

Some men determine that the best way to stop from being ignored by you is to be nice to you. To send you those sweet text messages saying “I miss you…” while others tend to get nasty

My 3 Versions Of The No Contact Rule


Lets talk about time.

More specifically, how much time you are supposed to spend in the no contact rule. I know I have said this a lot throughout this site but I am going to say it again because it’s that important.

Experts seem to be completely split when it comes to how long the no contact rule should be for.

Some will swear by the 30 day rule while others swear by the 90 day rule.

So, what’s the right answer?

What’s the right amount of time?

Well, it depends…

Why Not Learn So Much More By Picking Up Your Copy of My Ebook, “The No Contact Rule Book“!

I know that’s probably not what you want to hear but the truth is that your ex boyfriend is unique. He is unlike anyone else walking this earth and that means that the no contact rule will have to be shaped to him.

Before I used to be under the impression that the 30 day no contact rule was the way to go.

However, as I have gotten more and more experience my mind has changed a little bit. In my opinion, there are three optimum no contact times and which one you choose to use will depend entirely on your situation.

What are the time frames?

  1. 21 days
  2. 30 days
  3. 45 days

Notice how none of the time frames are crazy like 60 days or 90 days.

Why do you think that is?

Truth be told it’s all about habits.

How Habits Play A Role

Now I know what you are thinking.

What the heck do habits have to do with anything?

Perhaps I can put this in a way so that you will understand.

How long does it take to perform a habit?

Do you get it yet?


Ok, how bout this one,

How long does it take to get rid of a habit?

Well, let me save you the trip to Google (in fact, if you look it up on Google you will get a wrong answer.)

Fun story.

I went to Google to research this and this is what I was greeted with,

Screen Shot 2015-08-24 at 12.40.34 PM

So, it takes 21 days to break a habit, right?


Upon further research that 21 days to make or break a habit thing is a myth. In actuality it really takes around 66 days to break a habit.

So, with this in mind we don’t want any no contact rule to be longer than 66 days.


Well, lets imagine that you were to do a 90 day no contact rule on your ex boyfriend. That’s three whole months without talking to him. Assuming that it took him 66 days to get out of the habit of talking to you that would mean that a 90 day rule would far exceed that 66 day habit rule.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is that if your no contact rule is longer than 66 days then you run the risk of having an ex boyfriend be over you and if he completely is over you by that point then it makes getting him back that much harder.

You will notice that the three time frames that we are focused in on here are all below 60 days.

Well, now you know why.

We don’t want to run the risk of having your ex boyfriend get out of the habit of thinking about you.

But that still doesn’t help us determine which of the three rules is best for you, does it?

Well, allow me to dive in a bit deeper for you.

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The 21 Day Rule

For those of you seeing the 21 day rule and celebrating don’t get too excited yet. Generally speaking the sweet spot in no contact is right around the 30 day period. In other words, the vast majority of situations are going to fall under it.

However, lets say that you have a really good chance to get your ex back and you know in your heart that your situation is conducive to success.

(You can go here to find that out.)

Well, if that’s the case then I would say you can get away with the 21 day no contact rule.


For those of you women who are just trying to cut down on the time it takes to get an ex boyfriend back this isn’t going to help your chances.

Remember, the only ones who should be allowed to use this no contact rule are the women with really good chances of getting an ex boyfriend back.

The 30 Day Rule

This is the sweet spot for the no contact rule.

Pretty much every situation you can think of will fall into the 30 day time frame.

  • If he broke up with you…
  • If you broke up with him…
  • If you had a massive fight…
  • If you cheated…
  • If he cheated…
  • The list goes on and on.

Basically I want you to be doing the 30 day rule 90% of the time.

The rest of the 10%?

Well, lets just say that they are either going to be in the 21 day rule or the 45 day rule below.

The 45 Day Rule

This is the longest no contact rule that I am willing to recommend.

Anything longer than 45 days is too much.

Now, this begs the question.

In what instance should you use the 45 day rule?

Here is the interesting thing. I used to think that situations where you cheated on an ex or did something horrible like that would be ideal for the 45 day rule but as I have seen more and more women embark on the rule in those instances I have found that more time tends to be more negative.

So, that’s why I cut cheating down to the 30 day rule since it has more success there.

The 45 day rule should be used in only one circumstance.

The Circumstance- Where you have annoyed your boyfriend to the MAX. In other words, you have become a GNAT to him.

Basically, the more time that goes by without you re-exhibiting the behavior the better because he will stop looking at you as a GNAT and you will have a better chance of getting him back.

The Instances Where You Can Break The No Contact Rule

break time

Now that you have a pretty good idea of what the no contact rule is lets talk about some of the wrinkles about it that none of the experts really touch on out there.

Specifically the situations where you are allowed to break the no contact rule.

Now, I want to preface this section by saying that I am not going to go as in-depth here as you like.


Because I have already written an uber in-depth article about how to handle just about every situation during the no contact rule.

Nevertheless, I am going to add some new situations that I have covered in that article here.

So buckle up!

Lets get this party started.

Situation One: If He Asks You To Be His Girlfriend Again

I want to tell you a little story about a girl named Jane.

For the record Jane is totally made up but her made up story based on real life is going to help me prove a point.

So Jane is using the no contact rule on her ex boyfriend in an attempt to get him back.

Here is the thing about Jane.

When she reads advice on something she takes it very literally. When she read my advice about the no contact rule and how you can’t break it for anything she didn’t realize that, that wasn’t exactly true. So, when the no contact rule starts affecting her ex in a positive way so much so that he decides that he wants to ask her to be back together she completely ignores him.

In other words, when he sends her a text message like this during no contact,

get back together

She completely ignores it and continues on with no contact.



One of the biggest reasons you do the no contact rule is so that you can get your ex boyfriend back so when that fantasy becomes a reality it’s ok to break no contact for that.

Situation Two: Exchanging Things

Lets say that you are using a 30 day no contact rule on your ex boyfriend and around day 4 or 5 he messages you and asks if he can get his things back from your place.

The inevitability of a couple exchanging things when together is very high so it makes sense that if things were exchanged he would want them back.

Are you allowed to break the no contact rule in this case?

Simply put, yes you are.

But what if your ex boyfriend has things of yours that you want back?

Should you break the no contact rule and ask for those things back?


It depends…

What does it depend on?

What things your ex boyfriend has of yours.

Let me give you two examples.

Example One

Lets pretend that you left your prized ring at your ex boyfriends house. This is the ring that your father gave you before he passed away so it holds a lot of sentimental value to you.

Example Two

Now lets say that you left a tooth bush at your ex boyfriends house. There isn’t anything special about this tooth brush it’s just a normal tooth brush that you could get at any grocery store.

So, here is my question to you.

Out of these two examples what is worth breaking the no contact rule over?

A prized ring given to you by your father who has passed away?


A tooth brush…

The prized ring, right?

The more important the possession is to you the more you can break the no contact rule. However, if you have just left some clothes or toiletries over at your exes you shouldn’t bother breaking the no contact rule to get them.

You can totally live without them.

Besides, you will get them back when you get back with him 😉 .

Situation Three: If You Have Kids Together

It’s kind of hard to ignore your ex significant other when you have kids together.

I mean, it’s amazing how these two little versions of you and your ex can bring about conversations after a breakup.

But how does the no contact rule fit into this?

Can you even do the no contact rule?

The answer is yes but you are going to have to make some obvious adjustments for the kiddos.

How can I put this?


Ok, I know.

I want you to start the no contact rule with no adjustments at all. In other words, I want you to embark on the no contact rule the same way most everyone else would. HOWEVER, you will have to make one tiny little adjustment.

If your ex brings up the kids (or you are forced to bring them up) you can break the no contact rule for that.

But that’s it…

You can only break no contact for that one type of interaction.

In other words, if you get a text like this,


You are absolutely allowed to break NC and respond to it but you want to keep the interaction ONLY about the kids.

So, if you get a text like this,


Then you aren’t allowed to break NC.

Do you see the difference now?


Let’s move on and talk about the true purpose of no contact.

The True Purpose Of NC

true story

This is something that I haven’t talked a lot about here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery….

Well, actually that’s not true.

I HAVE talked about it quite a bit but I haven’t ever really put the pieces together for you all in one place.

That ends today obviously.

So, what is the true purpose of the no contact rule?

On instinct most women guess that it’s to get their exes back and while the no contact rule can certainly be used for that there is another purpose of the no contact rule that hardly ever gets talked about.

I want you to think about something for a moment.

This website is called Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

That’s a very telling name, isn’t it?

The truth is that when I first started this website I really only focused on helping women get back with their exes but as I gained more and more experience and credibility I learned something interesting. Sometimes the best way to get an ex back isn’t just to focus on getting him back but to focus your energies inward.

Hence, the “recovery” part of Ex Boyfriend Recovery really has two meanings.

Meaning One: Recovery means to recover your ex or to get him back.

Meaning Two: Recovery means to recover from the breakup. To truly be happy on the inside instead of depressed and sad.

Well, the no contact rule works in this way.

Yes, it is a strategy that is meant to get your ex back but think about the time frame of the no contact rule.

In many cases you are going to be waiting a full month before you can actively have a talk with your ex boyfriend.

You know what this means right?

It means that you have a month of preparation to turn yourself into the best version of yourself and by doing that you will be actively working to get over the pain of the breakup. Look, I am not going to presume to know your entire situation with your ex like the back of my hand but I will tell you one thing.

Winning a man back from a place of depression is a lot harder than trying to win him back from a place of happiness which is why I recommend self improvement during the no contact rule.

You (Version 2.0)


The best way to get over the pain you are feeling is to focus on the things that you have control over.

Do you have control over your ex boyfriend?


Do you have control over yourself?


So, lets focus on that.

Right off the bat we know that we have 21 – 45 days before we have to talk to your ex so lets not just sit on our hands here during this time frame. Lets do something that will actively increase your chances of winning him back AND help you get over that sinking feeling in your gut that you are feeling right now.

So, what I want to do now is show you something that I have never shown anyone before.

I am going to call it…

The No Contact Role Play

The no contact role play is simple.

We are going to go through the no contact rule from start to finish and show you what you are supposed to do every step of the way using a fake character that I am about to create.

Are you ready?


Ok then, I would like to introduce you to Virginia.

Virginia is a 24 year old girl who has just broken up with her boyfriend of a year. The boyfriend stated that he just didn’t feel love for her anymore and that she wasn’t giving him the attention that he thought he deserved.

(Side Note: Virginia is a FAKE character that I just made up to illustrate a point.)

So, the first thing that Virginia is going to want to do is to determine which no contact rule time frame is best for her.

What No Contact Time Frame Is Best For Virginia?

After much thought and deliberation Virginia has decided that she wants to embark on a 30 day no contact rule since she thinks that will give her ex enough time to miss her and give HER enough time to change her image completely.

What’s next?

Ah yes, the self improvement plan.

How Can Virginia Improve Herself During This 30 Day Period?

There are a lot of ways that Virgina can improve herself during the 30 day no contact period.

Specifically here are some of the things that she wants to do,

  • Get in the best shape of her life
  • Read a book
  • Learn some new things (salsa dancing, cooking class, learn another language)
  • Redo wardrobe
  • Educate herself about the world
  • Get out more by socializing with friends and family

The No Contact Calendar

What I am about to do now is something that I have never done here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery but I think it will be extremely helpful for you to see HOW the no contact rule will look from a birds eye view.

Above we established two things.

Thing One: Virginia is doing a 30 day rule

Thing Two: What Virginia is going to do during the 30 day rule.

But how are these things implemented?

What do they look like?

Like I said above, I am going to be answering those questions today but I am going to be doing so in a very unique way.

I am going to be using a calendar to demonstrate what a perfect no contact rule looks like.

To be honest I don’t think there is much more set up that I can use for this so I am just going to dive right in.

Take a look at the graphic below for me,

nc calendar

Now, I do know that a lot of you are using phones to read this article so hopefully you can see the calendar above because it’s kind of important.

Basically this is what a birds eye view of the no contact rule looks like.

You will notice that there are 30 days on this calendar and under each of the 30 days are little items ranging from workouts to learning a new language.

Sound familiar?

You remember how Virginia wanted to improve during the no contact rule, right?

Well, all the things she wanted to improve on are found here.

Cooking class…

Salsa dancing…

Getting in incredible shape…

Reading a book…

Learning a language…

Revamping her wardrobe…

Learning about the world…


All of it can be found on this calendar.

Oh, also take notice on how every single day during this 30 day no contact period is jam packed with stuff to do. The idea is to fill up your own personal calendar so much that you don’t even have time to text an ex. Heck, you don’t even have time to think about him.

Of course, then there is the fact that every action found on the calendar serves one purpose, to help you become the best version of yourself.

What to Read Next

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1,143 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (Version 2.0)”

  1. Avatar


    February 26, 2021 at 5:59 pm

    Hey Chris! I have failed the no contact rule and when I realized I was still in the same needy spot I decided to tell my ex I am distancing myself from him because I need some more time apart. Will the no contact rule have the same effects when he knows I am distancing myself from him?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 27, 2021 at 9:53 am

      HI Paula, yes as long as you keep with it and working on yourself in that time.

  2. Avatar


    November 26, 2020 at 10:39 pm

    Hi, my ex and I (31F, 30F) broke up a 2 yr relationship a month ago on Oct. 24. We had been fighting a lot the last months, and on the last fight see took off and ghosted me.

    Two weeks after that I called her asking were we were at, and she said she had been thinking and was done with me, she was no longer happy.

    A week after that I found out she was talking to her ex, so I called her and told her I hated her for doing this to me and that she had made me lose 2 years of my life by using me as a stepping stone to get over her ex, and that was why she never really was there for me. We texted a couple of times after that (same week-ish) to exchange our belongings.

    Last text was a week ago. Im trying no contact but it is SO HARD.

    We blocked each other everywhere, but her Twitter account is public and she keeps posting about how wonderful life is, some nasty stuff I think is about me, but whos to know, and about how she loves herself so she left me and completely cut the cord and how adamant she is about it. This all hurts so much. I know I should not be checking her Tweets, but its the thing I have to know how shes doing/what shes thinking (presumably).

    I love her deeply and miss her so much. I know I will not contact her because she asked me to and I need to respect her and myself, BUT I cant keep myself from hoping that she someday will come back and we can figure things out.

    Which contact rule should I apply in this case? 21 30 or 45? Thank you!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 23, 2020 at 5:46 pm

      Hi FG, so the first thing you need to do is avoid looking at her twitter account ( this is actually breaking no contact rules) and make sure that you use the remainder of your 30 days (45 if there is a possibility of her being back with her ex) to focus on getting over the break up and the hurt you are feeling. Read articles about being ungettable and use this in your own life to show that you are doing great yourself.

  3. Avatar


    November 19, 2020 at 12:30 pm

    Does the no contact rule work if you live in separate countries? We were not long distance but he has gone home since the breakup

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 19, 2020 at 5:10 pm

      Hi Sally, yes it can still work even if you are living in different countries.

  4. Avatar

    Meg Richards

    August 27, 2020 at 2:25 am

    My boyfriend asked to be friends and we have spent about 3-4 months since then still cooking for each other every week, going on trips, every now and then he keeps saying I make him feel special. However I started worrying that there was no physical intimacy recently. He said he started recently feeling distant after an argument and that he does not want to commit because he doesn’t want to disappoint or be disappointed. He asked for few days to think about us when I asked him to try the relationship again. It has been 2 weeks now that we haven’t tried to contact each other. Should I do a no contact rule?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 27, 2020 at 4:06 pm

      Hey Meg, if you want a relationship with this guy then yes you need to go into a NC and stick with it for at least 30 days

  5. Avatar


    July 25, 2020 at 8:51 pm

    2 year LDR with my unofficial boy (the entire 2 years he says he can’t commit due to distance as it’s too painful for him – he’s had a heartbreak LDR before). The 2 years we text and call every day morning to night – him initiating the entire thing. He freaked out 1 year in and told me his feelings had changed – came back within 3 weeks when using a broken NC rule (didn’t know about it at the time). We then were super in love (him saying I was his soulmate) until 2 months later he changed his mind again and said he couldn’t do the distance. Agreed to be best friends and immediately continued to talk for 5 months but I took his lead and finally he admitted his feelings, I was still his soulmate and he wanted to be with me one day when we were in the same place. We agreed I’d move in with him in September as I can work remotely and try it out. The week before we were going to see each other for the first time in 5 months (corona) he suddenly came out saying flying to see me would give me the wrong message and he didn’t feel the same way. Said he didn’t have feelings and didn’t have a response when I challenged him pulling me closer the past 5 months. Then blamed the distance for confusing his feelings and said his mind may change again in September, I said we were done and that was it. I cut contact and blocked and deleted everywhere. So technically I broke up but because he said he has no feelings. So not sure who counts as the dumper. But I’m 21 days NC and heard nothing and want him to come back and explain and tell me he panicked and we can try again. What should I expect in this scenario? Also I fear people can move on faster with LD as the physical distance is already there; so does my 21 days translate as something much bigger? Do I reach out, wait, or leave him for good?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      July 26, 2020 at 10:27 am

      Hi Noni, we suggest a 30 day NC because you need that time apart. Once you have worked on your Holy Trinity and completed a full 30 days NC that is when you start to reach out to your ex using the information that Chris has provided in the texting articles

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    June 16, 2020 at 3:26 pm

    I’ve posted before about how I did a 34 day NC (But did talk to his/our mutual friends about him) and then he and I had a 5 hour FaceTime where we talked about a lot of things and was also emotional but his decision remained the same (and i worried that I only gave him more closure to help him move on).

    Since then, I’ve restarted NC without talking to his friends about him, but by the time this NC ends, It will have been 66 days since the actual BU (and then j need to wait a few days to reach our, since it falls on the weekend!) So my question is… does the 66 days to break a habit also apply here, if we had that FaceTime in between? I’m so worried it will be too long by the time I can reach out!! (Especially with the weird interval we went through, 34 days nothing, huge emotional talk which or may not have helped him get over it, 30 days nothing?) Also, it might be helpful to know we’ve been temporary LDR for the last few months as well (total relationship = 4 yrs) I know to finish NC, and I will, I’m just hoping to either dispel these worries or better understand them/what I’m dealing with. Thank you!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 16, 2020 at 10:48 pm

      Yes the fact you have been in touch between it does break the 66 day habit. That’s great work Cristina, keep going and I am here if you need advice!

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    May 12, 2020 at 2:39 pm

    Does the NC rule work with a guy who is no-commital. I’ve been casually dating him for a year and he won’t commit. I would like to just cease contact with him and see if he lets me go or pursues me again and is maybe ready to commit.

    But, if I just walk away and initiate NC, given we haven’t really had a break up, I’m not sure how that would play out or work.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 13, 2020 at 8:59 am

      Hi Beth, yes you have to make it clear that you want a relationship – if he is not willing to do that then you walk away and go into NC and then you stay strong not replying to him for at least 30 days. Then you reach out starting the texting phase, but read and follow Chris’ advice about the texting style and learn about the value chain

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    May 4, 2020 at 5:30 am

    My ex and I, were together for 5 years. The past two years has been long distance – first year we made it work, but the past year has been more difficult because of his workload and my school. He was stressed out from work and I constantly complained about my school stress and took my anger out on him. However, we were fine, I came back home due to the pandemic and was looking forward to being in the same city to spend more time with him once everything cooled down. I felt like he was not giving me any attention so argument started so I asked if he wanted to break up without knowing how he actually felt. He admitted that his work was too demanding and that he can’t focus on a relationship right now. I did not expect him to say that. He said he needs space to focus on himself, and find out what he wants to do in life. He said that it hurt him knowing that he couldn’t be there for me when I needed him and wants to be able to do things without worrying about how i feel. I was truly heart broken, he also said that he loves and cares for me but feels like the feeling of being in love is gone. I know works been very stressful him, so i understand and want to be supportive to give him the space. Still, I don’t want to completely loose him as I am still in love with him and know that we can work it out. We’ve sent like messages back and forth to confirm if this was really happening for like 5 days and then I just completely stopped replying after he said he does not feel like he is in love with me anymore. We have a snapchat streak that is over 4 years long. He just sends black screens to keep the streak going, and i send one back. I want him back, and don’t want to break this streak because we’ve kept it on for so long, but it is also painful to see his snap pop up hoping it something more than a black screen. I started going on walks and reading books to keep my mind off him. Should I just completely go NC?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 12, 2020 at 12:48 pm

      Hi Sha, I would suggest that you go into a longer NC so that you give your ex space and some time to work on yourself and your Holy Trinity during that time. Reach out with a text that Chris suggests after NC is over

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    March 3, 2020 at 9:21 am

    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 10 years, since we were teenagers. We lived together for 4 years, in 2017 we took a break and I moved states for school. We half stayed in touch and always had the goal of getting together again. I came home for a year in 2018 and we lived in separate houses but “dated” still. It’s 2020 and I just moved back to a different state for work, but we had agreed to try this long distance this time no breaks or half passing. Tonight he told me he needs time to think and isn’t sure if he wants to be single or not right now. That was such a blow to me because I am finally in a place of wanting to rebuild and trust and give it a real go. I took the first conversation gracefully but then was overcome by hurt and anger and called him to yell a little bit about his failure to Express things or communicate and asked him to come out and say it instead of hiding behind “needing to think” – this came off pretty chaotic and messy.
    He said he didnt know and he was overwhelmed but wants to call me tomorrow to talk about it.

    My question is do I take the phone call tomorrow to hear him out and break up coherently (again, I guess) or do I start NC now and hope he keeps interest instead of doubling down on not wanting to be with me?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 7, 2020 at 10:02 am

      Hi Quinn, I would tell your ex that there is no need to speak as you understand that he wants the break up and you accept that. Then start your No Contact going forward

  10. Avatar

    Piper Coolidge

    January 17, 2020 at 6:38 pm

    No contact is flipping amazing! Just finished 30 days solid nc, and I have accomplished so much in my own life because I stopped focusing on him when he clearly wasn’t ready to have the same type of relationship i was. He called and texted multiple times and it was hard not to respond but I like to think that I was giving him the gift of missing me, and giving myself the gift of recognizing my own needs, value and worth. On day 31 i invited him to like my new business on fb, and he did immediately. The next day, yesterday, he sent 6 texts, and I responded nicely, but kept it short. I feel like he appreciates me in a whole different light now, and what’s most important is that i am appreciating myself again. I really feel like it’s going to work out beautifully for him & i, and fast. But, only if it’s right for me, and it has to be on my terms meaning marriage ultimately. I’m not doing casual anything because that’s not gonna make me happy. If it doesn’t work our with him, then I feel very distinctively that it will be his loss. =) stay strong ladies, and above all, love yourself….. ♡

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 17, 2020 at 9:10 pm

      This is awesome thanks Piper 🙂

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    January 11, 2020 at 3:39 am

    Hi EBR Team, my ex texted me after I went into 28 days of NC. He was sweet and kind, and apologized for being distant. The convo was light and funny. He suggested we meet up for a coffee or drink. I was so relieved to hear from him as I honestly didn’t think NC would work! But, haven’t heard from him again. It’s been 5 days. I don’t want to initiate contact as he was the one who ended the relationship. Should I go back into NC? Why isn’t he making more of an effort right now that the door is open??

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 11, 2020 at 4:50 am

      Cindy, I would reconsider reaching out yourself if you want to get back with your ex. He has broken the ice for conversation so now all you have to do is follow the texting process to try to reach a point where you actually are getting a coffee together

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    January 7, 2020 at 10:29 am

    Hey Chris,

    I notice when you talk about NC you sometimes mention the word “ignore”. Does this mean that NC should be a spontaneous sort of thing. For instance, can you kick off NC with a disclaimer that you need them to step back and leave you alone/give you space so that you can move on? Or would you suggest just springing it on them so they are none the wiser why the contact has stopped?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 7, 2020 at 10:41 pm

      Hey Cat, so what normally happens after a break up people either beg for their ex to come back for a few days and then come here, so we tell them to just STOP and not reach out, even if their ex asks if they are okay. As for ignoring, it is when your ex reaches out during your No Contact you need to ignore all attempts of conversation unless your ex says the words “I Want to get back together” everything else is met with silence. Ideally we do not want you tell your ex that you wont be in touch, we want you to just walk away. That will make them worried about why you are not chasing them anymore

  13. Avatar


    December 12, 2019 at 12:09 am

    Hi guys,

    My ex boyfriend and I have been dating for the last 8 months and together for the last 3, but a few days ago he told me he doesn’t love me and needs to heal from previous relationships and can’t be in one to do that. But in every way he acts and talks it’s like he does love me. He’s been diagnosed with depression recently and is only acknowledging his problems now. He says I’m the best thing in his life and he doesn’t want to lose me, but I love him too much to just be friends so I walked away.

    Am I wasting my time waiting for him to realise he loves me or is it a lost cause? And because of the situation would it be a 30 or 45 day NC?

    Thank you guys

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 15, 2019 at 7:01 pm

      Hey Malva, so you need to understand if he is working through depression he is not going to be sure what he wants in his life and it is going to take time for him to feel like he is ready to be with someone and for that relationship to be healthy too he needs to be in a better mental place. If you are going to attempt to get him back I would do 30 days no contact and make sure when you reach out you do so as a friend talking about something you know he is interested in and try to get him invested in talking to you again. Even though you want to be more than friends you need to follow the program which for the start of the texting phase all you are doing is trying ot get a conversation started where he starts to want to talk to you more each time.

  14. Avatar


    November 30, 2019 at 2:38 am


    My boyfriend broke up with me with no clear indication why. I have had some life troubles, so that did effect our relationship. He said he felt he was on a rollercoaster. I wrote a note apologizing when he picked up his things(I wasn’t home) and we talked a few days later(I did initiate). He has liked my posts on Instagram, but sadly he is liking every girls again. Our no contact would end on Christmas Day….I’m not sure when I should message him?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 1, 2019 at 12:56 am

      Hi Jess so you do not reach out on Christams day, I would wait until midweek between Christams and New Years, or after New Years all together.

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    November 18, 2019 at 4:54 pm

    Hi Chris and Team,

    My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for slightly more than 5 years (2 years of army and 3 years of long distance). We were about 50 odd days to the end of long distance where he is due to return permanently next month and he asked to break up. One week before the break up, he actually paid for my ticket to fly over next month for a proper holiday together.

    After he snapped and asked for break up, I fled over for the weekend and did a lot of begging and tried to address the issues. He however, said that he is very firm about things. I fled back after and tried to communicate with him for the following week but did not work. When we just broke up, he mentioned that he is very happy that he ended things and would mail my belongings back to me.

    He has blocked me everywhere, except for calls and Telegram where we usually communicate at. We also have private group chats (for administrative and future housing plans purposes) which he did not leave yet.

    I have purchased the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro package. So far I have adopted the NC rule on 1st Nov and accidentally called him on 7th.

    Do I restart the NC rule on 7th? May I also know if I should continue the NC rule or give up and block him back? I feel pretty exhausted with the mixed signals and soft block situation. Hope to get your advice, thank you!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 23, 2019 at 12:47 pm

      The phone call on the 7th did you speak with him? IF not then you can continue your NC from the first, but if you spoken then yes you restart. If you have purchased the Pro did you also purchase access to the Private Facebook Group? If so there is many many members there who can help you and support you, along with a strong moderator team who can advise you 24/7 if you have issues during the process.

  16. Avatar


    November 1, 2019 at 4:30 pm

    Hey Chris

    I have a challenge. My guy left me after falling for another girl (no cheating, he said he didn’t even talk to her about his feelings yet but that she was an old friend) after only a couple months of dating me… I told him I’d like to try to be friends and we agreed we would talk again in January. But I told him he could text me after a month if he needed something and I wouldn’t be mad anymore. January 1st is exactly 66 days after our last interaction. I don’t want to break our agreement OR seem super desperate by texting right on January 1st. And we live in a huge city so I cant exactly bump into him.

    I honestly think we had something really good and that he just made a rash decision when faced with a couple of challenges…he said he only had those feelings for a week or two before he decided to end it with me. But have I doomed myself here with these time agreements?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 2, 2019 at 9:41 pm

      Hi Airi, so you could reach out to him as a friend if you havent spoken in about 30 days and make it look like you need advice on something to create a conversation with him so you can build on that

  17. Avatar


    October 17, 2019 at 9:56 pm

    During the no contact can I open up his message to me on Snapchat to see what he said ? But not text back / reply can I look at his post but not like it or anything

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 20, 2019 at 8:52 am

      Try not to open snaps or anything that leaves a “read” notification during NC I know its tough.

  18. Avatar


    August 28, 2019 at 7:11 pm

    I was invited by a guy in another country after a year of texing from distance and stayed with his mum and he for 3days in his house.He told me he wants to know me more and we should be still just friends (no sex).
    After coming back,i thanked him and he replied me after a month(on the day of my birthday )and then after a week i sent him a message since he didnt say to me happy birthday “How is it going? And i mentioned to him that i had a good time with my family on my birthday ” then after a week he said sorry that he forgot and he said happy belated b’day although it can be everyday birthday like “Alice in wonder land”then we started to texing 2days about foods and the second day when i asked him if he likes a kind of food.He doesnt reply me and it has been 3weeks that he saw my message but without reply.
    I knew before that when we meet a guy in his country,it takes 1month for starting texing by him.But i dont know the rest of the rule of this game.Please tell me !

  19. Avatar


    July 30, 2019 at 3:29 pm

    Hi there! Need some help and feel little stuck. Boyfriend and I broke up about 2 weeks ago and we lived together. I moved to another state to be with him. I guess our arguments just got worst and worst and it became toxic. I cant stop thinking how sudden it feels when in the midst of everything he broke up with me. I left to be with friends and family to give us time and space but uncertain of what to do having to move the rest of my things out. I understand right now he is completely done. Ive sent an email apologizing for my part although i do not feel as its all my fault and he does and i decided to start the NC from there. Now other people are childishly getting involved on both of our ends causing a lot of frustration to now he has my blocked on almost everything over something out of my control. Now that I am blocked and should remain in NC what do as far as moving out rest of my things (or not worry about it until he reaches out a out it?) and starting somewhere new? It isnt as easy to just uproot my life to another state again while hoping we can save the relationship. Feeling some lost and guidance doing my best for NC but I have broke it before.

  20. Avatar


    July 16, 2019 at 3:56 am

    I broke up with my boyfriend of one year about 3 weeks ago and started doing NC right away. We left with no fights, no hard feelings, love each other and want the best for each other, etc. We have incredible chemistry but the timing isn’t right. He was content to just talk on the phone for months–our conversations are always amazing but they ended up just being heartbreaking for me because he never made time to actually go out with me. Anyway, I broke up with him and told him I was going to do NC for a “long time” which means until he’s inspired to change… if ever. He agreed, but I really think he didn’t believe I would be able to do it. We go to the same church and I’ve been doing really well avoiding him. Anyway, my mom (who is 25 years older than us, but still beautiful in her 60s) also goes to our church. For the last 2 weeks, he and she have both gotten there before me and he approaches her and flirts with her! Tells her she’s stunning, carries on a conversation, etc. Of course she loves the flattery and thinks “he just can’t help talking to pretty ladies”. He does have a habit of flirting with older ladies, which never bothered me before. But my mom?! Really?! I wanted SO badly to text him and call him out on it today but I didn’t do it. Why does he think this is appropriate? Should I make an exception and ask him to leave her alone, or just ignore his ridiculousness?

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