It’s the best day of the week!

Super Fantastical New Podcast Episode Day!

super-excited

(Too much?)

Ok, I will tone it down for a second and get serious.

Today we are going to hear from a woman named Mary who asks a pretty basic question. So, why would I feature a basic question on the podcast? Well, it’s due to the sheer volume of times that I get asked this question.

The Question = Is It Too Late For The No Contact Rule To Work For Me

But first, lets do a recap of Mary’s situation,

Mary’s Situation

  • She is 39 years old
  • She was with him for 5 and a half years
  • Living together for 4 and a half years
  • They went to therapy (it didn’t work)
  • He claims “he can’t fix himself”
  • He moved out 2 months ago
  • He appears to have had an emotional affair which turned sexual in nature
  • Mary also broke a lot of the cardinal rules
  • Wonders if she can do no contact

What We Talk About In This Episode

  • My new book (The No Contact Rule Book) being released very soon!
  • Why I think her ex strayed
  • Dissonance Theory
  • Why the no contact rule works
  • When the perfect time to start the no contact rule is
Is There A Chance Your Ex Will Take You Back?
Take The Quiz

Important Links Mentioned In The Episode

(I didn’t mean to yell I just figured I needed to make a statement! haha!)

Transcript

Emcee:

Welcome to the ex-boyfriend recovery podcast! Where we help you get your ex back and have the fairy tale ending you deserve. And now, your host, he’s been dubbed as the ex-whisperer, Chris Seiter!

Chris:

Hey! What’s up? And welcome to episode 42 of the ex-boyfriend recovery podcast. I’m really excited to have you here today. Just wanted to thank you for all of your support and how much you engage with the content that I write in ex-boyfriend recovery. I really appreciate it. Everyone in ex-boyfriend recovery team really appreciates it. We’re going to do our best to help you out. Alright, but before I get into today’s situation which ironically is about the no contact rule. I have a little bit of an announcement to make.

The announcement is, I just finally finished writing my book on the no contact rule. This thing is a monster. It’s huge. And to put into perspective how big it is, the first Harry Potter book—The Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone was around 76,000 words. Well, this bad boy, The No Contact Rule book, the one I just finished writing. It is 70,000 words and it reads like a novel. It’s so in depth on the no contact rule. There’s nothing on the market place like this. This will be truly the first book of its kind because most books in the no contact rule focus on the aspect of healing from a break up. Well, this book focuses on the aspect of utilizing the no contact to get your ex back.

Now, I got to work on a few things to get this thing live but it should be going live really soon. I’ll talk about it on the podcast episodes to come. I’ll talk about it on the website. I’ll talk about it through email subscribers who have subscribed to my email. So, just stay tuned for that because very soon, this book is going to go live and I know you want an opportunity to get it. Now, that leads it perfectly to what we’re going to be talking about today. Today, we’re going to be talking about when you should use the no contact rule. So, let’s hear from our guest today. Our guest is named Mary.

Mary:

Hi Chris,
My name is Mary. I’m 39 years old. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 51/2 years, living together for 4 ½, really considering marriage. About 6 months ago, he told me he was unhappy and I found out he was having a long distance, kind of an emotional affair. I suggested we started going to therapy and we did. Now, he contended that was not the reason, he—you know, was having doubts about our relationship. That he was just an unhappy person and he was unable to fix himself in the context of our relationship. You know because I’m such a strong woman or something. Anyway, it didn’t get better in therapy and two months ago he moved out saying he needed more space. I tried to respect it and we continued to go to weekly therapy. He told that the emotional affair was over but about two weeks ago it became obvious to me that he was still not in a romantic relationship but a sort of sexual affair with this woman. So, we officially broke up. I had broken a million of cardinal rules because I have been wanting to work things out and even though I know it seems crazy, I do want him to come home. We had a life together and it’s been more than 5 years and I’m just wondering if I’ve already done too much damage? He seems very remorseful and tied to me still but is this the good start—like is this a good start for the no contact rule or has sort of—too much damage had been done?

Chris:
Well, thanks Mary for commenting. I know it takes a lot to pour your heart out in these messages or in these voicemails rather and it can be kind of tough to think about your situation or verbalize it. So, I just want to take a moment and thank you and I’m going to do everything in my power to possibly help you. So, I’m good. Alright, let’s get to it.

Quick recap of your situation. You say you’re 39 years old. You’ve been with your ex-boyfriend for 5 ½ years. You’ve lived together for 4 ½ of those years. He started some sort of emotional affair online with some girl. I don’t know if he broke up first. I can’t quite remember. So, you broke up. He had an emotional affair with a girl. You had tried to go to therapy, didn’t seem to work. He seems to claim that he can’t fix himself. Okay? He moved out two months ago and it seems that this emotional affair with this other woman has turned sexual in nature. And you’re wondering if you should use the no contact rule because you’ve broken a lot of the cardinal rules so far.

Alright, so your situation is actually relatively more normal than you’d think. I know it seems really tough in your own head or in your own situation but your situation’s a little bit more normal than you think. So, I don’t think you have a bad chance of getting your ex back. And, I’m not just saying that to blow smoke up your a-s-s. I’m saying that because I really believe it.

Alright, so, first things first. Let’s talk a little bit about why he strayed. Let’s try to understand what’s going on in his mind because from there we can kind of build out and structure a game plan around your situation. Alright, so he was with you for 5 ½ years and you lived together for 4 ½ of those years. Assuming he’s a little bit older, so, you said you’re 39. He’s probably around that age so, it’s possible he could be having sort of a midlife crisis type of a deal. I don’t know if he’s had other relationships or if he’s been married before. At that age, typically someone’s been married at least once. Maybe he’s divorced, maybe he has kids with the ex-wife. I don’t know the situation there. I would actually love to know that because that would be really telling for me to figure out, “Okay, this is probably what he could be thinking.”
To be honest, it sounds like he got bored. That’s really the best conclusion I’ve come up with so far. That he was with you, he’s kind of got bored with you maybe a little bit. He’s bored with the way things are. At the same time, I also don’t think he has a lot of self-value or self-worth, if he’s saying he can’t fix himself or whatever he’s you know—whatever he’s saying there. So, I think he could be a little bit of both. I mean often times when it comes to break ups and relationships, there’s no really one definitive reason for why a breakup occurs. Unless, there were some sort of cheating involved which here we go. This is—you know emotional affairs, even though they’re technically not physically cheating. They are emotional in nature. So, it could that he got kind of a taste of what attention from someone else other than you felt like. Not that you did anything wrong. This is just you know—men are scumbags. Sorry to break it you! [laughs] But, yeah he could have gotten a taste from someone else and had an emotional affair and attached some feelings to that and liked how it felt but often times these affairs they don’t last or stand the test of time. It’s rare in fact. I think there’s actually been studies done on that. So, yeah I think it can be any one of those reasons. Either he got bored of you and started stringing elsewhere. He doesn’t have a lot of self-value or he kind of got some attention from someone else and wanted to gravitate more towards that. It could be just a lot of—sort of a combination type of thing happening here.

Now, about the emotional affair, just, I’m not shocked that it’s turned sexual in nature now. Because often times that’s how a cheating and affair start. They start emotionally. Like you know—a guy talks to someone at work and he constantly talks to this person at work and the guy talks to this woman so much at work that he starts to rely on her advice for situations instead of his wife perhaps. And then, that just kind of grows and grows until finally it becomes sexual in nature. That’s often times how these emotional affairs turn to physical affairs. Which is why I say, even though emotional affairs aren’t technically a form of cheating, they almost always lead to cheating if they’re not nipped in the bud. So, they are dangerous. So, I think maybe that was one of the reasons why the breakup occurred. I don’t know exactly but let’s talk about the therapy.

I think it’s a little positive that he was willing to go to therapy. It seems like he is a little bit remorseful about the emotional affair or the cheating now or the sexual affair that he’s having. But it doesn’t seem like he’s willing to take the necessary steps for the therapy to work because often times, you can pull the weight of the relationship boulder yourself but really in order to move the boulder and keep it up, you need two people. It takes two. So, if he’s not willing to invest the time or do what it takes in the therapy to make it work—it’s really you can do everything right, there’s nothing you can do. It’s a two way street. That’s what I’m basically saying here.

Now, don’t let that get you down. I actually have something interesting to share with you Mary. It looks to me like he’s moved on to someone else but don’t let that get you down I think a lot of women freak out when they hear that. Really at this point, there’s nothing you can do. He’s with this other girl right now. Just give it some time. Actually what I did, is I took all the success stories that I have saved to my computer. I have actually two computers. One that was my old computer that I first started ex-boyfriend recovery on and one that’s a new computer that when the old computer got a little slow, I upgraded to this new computer. So, I had testimonials that sporadically I had saved to my computer from, god, all the way since 2013. So, there weren’t a million of the testimonials but there were enough to where it was interesting enough for me to create a report. To try to find some co-relations between some of the things that people who succeed in getting their exes back are doing and some of the things that people who are failing are doing.

So, I could figure out, “Okay. Here’s the tactics that work the best, here’s the tactics that really don’t work that well.” And, I did certainly find statistics like that but what was the most interesting part was the actual situation in which people recover their exes from. And the shocking part was some of the most difficult situations were the most prevalent. For example, cheating. Cheating, I had the second most success stories were in the cheating category which is shocking to me. And here is where it relates to you. They tied for the second most, with the exact same amount of successes with this cheating was, him moving on to someone new. So, it’s very, very possible to get someone back if he moves on to a new girl.

But your question specifically was about the no contact rule and if too much has happened for you to implement it. The point that I want to—I guess point to right here is the fact that you said that he moved out two months ago and you’ve kind of actively been trying to get him back or at least you’ve been displaying that. I actually think there’s no better time for you to do the no contact rule than right now because it’s actually really difficult to do a no contact rule which, I talked about in the no contact rule book that I mentioned earlier in this podcast episode. It’s actually really difficult to do the no contact rule if you live with someone. It’s kind of impossible because you’re going to see them more than you see probably anyone throughout the day. I mean you can certainly do things like limited contact and try your best to make it seem like you’re not going to talk to him but at some point you will have to communicate but since he moved out, there’s no better time for you to do the no contact rule.

Now, I talked about that sort of success story report I put together where I looked at all the testimonials that I had saved up and one of the things that I found that was most prevalent in the successes is that, 74% of the successes all use the no contact rule. So, it’s by far the most successful tactic for getting your ex back. Now, here’s kind of the cool part about the 74%. A lot of the people who I determined didn’t use the no contact rule, I didn’t have enough information to determine what they used. They simply responded to me with like, “Hey, thank you so much I got my ex back.” Or, “Got her back.” Or “Got him back.” Or something like that. There’s not enough information for me to determine what they actually did to get their exes back. So, that 74% number, you know the 74% of people who used the no contact rule, maybe something like 90% because the vast majority of situations who actually got back to me with details—I think actually all of them that got back to me, with enough details for me to determine like, okay what they did to get their exes back, all used the no contact rule.

So, if that doesn’t tell you how powerful the no contact rule is, I don’t know what else will. So, to answer your question, yes. Absolutely now is the time to do the no contact rule but here’s kind of where things get a little bit more interesting. You want your ex back and you mentioned that you put 5 years into this thing and you know, if you get him back, I’m assuming you want it to be more permanent in nature. You don’t want to go through in this cycle of an on and off relationship. So, no contact rule actually has scientific proof for helping that along. In other words, when you get your ex back using the no contact rule there’s scientific proof that it will help him stick around. Now, what’s the proof? Well, I actually talked about it in the no contact rule book. It’s something that’s called dissonance theory. Basically it states that the harder something is to get, or the harder something is to obtain, the more likely that person who obtained it or who have put the work in to obtain it, is going to cherish it once they have it.
So, here’s how it breaks down. You use the no contact rule in your ex. But let’s go into fantasyland here and pretend that you’re using the no contact rule on your ex and it works and you get him back. But here’s the part where dissonance theory comes into play. The no contact rule itself makes it more difficult for him to get you back, assuming he wants to get you back. So, the more difficult you make it for him to get you back, the more he’s going to treat you like the queen you are once he gets you back. So, the no contact rule actually has scientific basis for having that happen which is why it’s one of the most incredible strategies out there because it accomplishes so much at once.

Another really popular thing the no contact rule does is it actually works on getting him back on two fronts. Obviously, there’s the front that everyone talks about which is him missing you. You use the no contact rule enough, he’s bound to miss you right? Absence makes the heart grow fonder. At least that’s the idea.
The less talked about strategy of the no contact rule, the less talked about front of the no contact rule is actually the personal recovery front. Where you actually can move on without moving on. I don’t know if you’ve heard this before but stop me if you have. There’s a lot of people, a lot of women who experienced this phenomenon that when they want their exes back they can’t get him back. But when they finally move on, all of a suddenly he shows up again and he wants them back.

I’ve heard probably hundreds of women over the years describe this phenomenon to me. And it’s something I like to call was sort of –I guess the best way I can explain it is when he senses that you’ve moved on completely, you become more attractive to him. It’s sort of like that—I don’t know the best way I could describe it is maybe if you give a toddler a toy, well the toddler plays with the toy a bit and then throws the toy away. But if you show the toddler the toy and then take it away from the toddler, what does the toddler want? Well, he wants the toy back. Same principle here.
If you can prove that you’ve moved on with the no contact rule, if you can kind of move on, on purpose without really moving on internally. I don’t know how to describe it, other than it’s this interesting phenomenon that happens where he senses it and it makes you more attractive to him. So, the no contact rule—the reason it’s such an incredible strategy is it touches on so many things. It’s just one simple strategy but if you implement it correctly, it can do so many things for you and help you get your ex back.

Now, the thing Mary, I think you need to do is, if I’m going to recommend the no contact rule for you, I think you should do probably a 30 day no contact rule. Now, if you’re familiar with my website or any of the books that I’ve written, I talked about the three major no contact rule time periods. The 21 day rule, the 30 day rule and the 45 day rule. Now, some experts out there will talk about the 60 day rule or the 90 day rule but I don’t like recommending that because of something called the habit theory. Now, it takes 66 days on average to make or break a habit. So, let’s assume that your ex wanted to get over you and you’re using the no contact rule on him and let’s say you’re using the no contact rule for 90 days. Well, if he really wanted to get over you, it would only take him 66 days to get out of the habit of thinking about you and you don’t want that to happen. You want him to be constantly obsessed with you, constantly wondering why you’re not responding to his texts or constantly missing you but if you embark on one of this massive no contact rules—the 60 day rule or the 90 day rule, I think it’s getting a little too close and he could potentially move on from you. So, that’s why I recommend these three time periods for the no contact rules. But for you I think I’m going to recommend the 30 day no contact rule because there’s that aspect of the other girl and I think what needs to happen is he needs to kind of get a little bit of the grass is greener syndrome going on.

So, in that study I did where I talked about the testimonials that I looked at, trying to find co-relations between the successes and failures, the one thing without a doubt that I learned when it came to a man moving on to a new girl, is he almost always comes back to the original ex which is you in this case Mary, if he gets the grass is greener syndrome. So, it seems to me like you didn’t do anything wrong in the relationship. In fact it seems like you were actually pretty great in the relationship. It was his own internal kind of mess ups that caused the demise of the relationship. So, I think once he gets out there and experiences something new, he’s going to realize how good he had it with you and then potentially come back. So, that’s it. To answer your question, I definitely think you should do the no contact rule. I don’t think you’ve messed up enough to not use the no contact rule. So, definitely use that Mary and again the 30 day rule is I think ideal for you.

And that’s going to do it for this episode of the ex-boyfriend recovery podcast. If you’re interested in learning more, you can come by my website at www.exboyfriendrecovery.com and if you’re interested and like what you hear in this podcast please hop on over to Itunes and review it. All I care about is getting an honest review. If you hate the podcast, great. Go and review it and tell me how much I suck. All I care about is getting honest reviews. So, if you haven’t done that already, I urge you to please do that and also, I do want to mention that we have a YouTube channel now. So, if you want to see in depth videos on how to get your ex back or search strategies of getting an ex back, I recommend you hop on over to the Chris Seiter, S-E-I-T-E-R YouTube channel and that’s going to do it for today. I’ll see you guys next week. Bye.

Emcee:

Thanks for listening to the ex-boyfriend recovery podcast at www.exboyfriendrecovery.com

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351 thoughts on “EBR 042: When You Should Use The No Contact Rule”

  1. Avatar

    Jazz

    November 6, 2020 at 8:27 pm

    This site and ideas given in it really worked for me.My boyfriend suddenly blocked me from everywhere without telling anything after a normal chat .It was so shocking and disturbing for me coz we were in LDR .I tried ,cried a lot but all was in vain .I was sending continue mails to him to beg for his love for continue three mnths after sudden breakup.But there was no response .so I started following ex boyfriend recovery site .I decided to go with no contact rule as per the instruction given in this site .And unbelievable results came ..after the 11 th day of this process I got his message and he told me talk over call..he really missed it just happened coz of no contact rule. Really I am very thankful to Chris for giving such OCM solutions with effective ideas.I found my love back .so happy .❣️

  2. Avatar

    LISA

    July 19, 2017 at 6:39 pm

    My ex broke up with me because we kept arguing and I couldn’t trust
    him, long story short we broke up for two months and he contacted me
    saying he wanted to get back together with me, this lasted a week
    before we had another huge argument after I caught him lying and he
    split up with me again.

    It’s been over 6 weeks now and we’ve been in contact daily, arguing,
    me begging him to take me back and I’ve acted extremely crazy because
    I am suffering depression – turned up at his door on my birthday,
    begging him daily, asking him to give me another chance and I’ve even
    (stupidly) been nasty towards him and rubbed kissing a guy in his
    face.

    All of this has stemmed from being in a very bad place. I cut contact
    for three days at the weekend and he phoned me crying yesterday. I
    took this as a sign he wanted me back and asked him, he said no, and I
    went crazy again, begging him, turned up at his door this morning and
    even sobbed on front of him.

    I spoke to him half an hour ago and he said he will now NEVER, EVER,
    give us a chance in future and wants nothing more to do with me. I
    feel broken and stupid for how I’ve acted. I take it all my chances
    are ruined now for good? Should I give up?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 23, 2017 at 5:33 pm

      Why not try the no contact rule? If you are going to, do at least 30 days..

  3. Avatar

    Sune

    May 20, 2017 at 8:07 am

    Hi Chris

    I would just like to say your voice and way pf talking really gives hope!! I have followed your program before and it worked!

    Although we broke up 2 years after we got back together. (Broke up a month ago) but since I know your program works I am totally trying it again!!

    Thanks for your amazing work and motivation!

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 21, 2017 at 6:55 pm

      Thank you Sune! I’ll forward this to Chris

  4. Avatar

    Tanya

    September 21, 2016 at 2:59 am

    Hello,
    It’s been about 3 and 1/2 weeks since my boyfriend (ex) had broken up with me. However his reasoning was a bit odd and bs in my opinion. What he said was that he wasn’t happy anymore in our relationship. We’ve been together for 3 years and it feels awful to know that he isn’t in my life anymore. Although, he is a bit petty because when I did get the chance to talk to him, he said that he was confused and that he didn’t know why he broke up with me.. Hmm.. But whenever I ask him if we can talk it out so I could get closure, he never answers my text.. I don’t know if it’s age because we are about 16-19 years old still in High school . Any advice to what my situation is? I still have sosos much feelings even though I am trying to let go. Oh he also broke up with me out of no where too! No hits, nothing!!

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 22, 2016 at 8:59 pm

      Hi Tanya,

      Hmm.. Young, long term relationship, is anybody graduating or has recently graduated? Because it looks like it’s a grass is greener syndrome. Check this: The Grass is Greener Syndrome For Ex Boyfriends

  5. Avatar

    Ash

    September 11, 2016 at 3:06 pm

    Hi,

    Recently my boyfriend and I started fighting a lot, I was struggling with depression and everything just became really bad for us with constant fighting, both were making each other feel bad on the regular basis, and unable to support each other properly – just wasn’t good. My boyfriend decided that he wanted space and time to figure himself out, and be stable for himself again and remove the bad emotions from our relationship and all the negativity – he wanted space from all of that and our relationship. He also said that he wanted me to get better and progress in my life (which I’m working on everyday), and hoped that it would help us in getting back together in the future. We agreed on a timeframe of getting space for a month and ended things well in the hope that this space and time apart would help with all the negative emotions that were present. Do you think that there is a chance for us? Or will he realize with his space and freedom, that he is much better off without me and the negativity and fighting that was surrounding our relationship on a regular basis? And because we ended things in a hopeful and more positive note do I initiate a no contact rule for that timeframe of a month?

    Thanks,
    Ash

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 13, 2016 at 2:52 pm

      HI Ash,

      I think you do have a chance. Its’ human nature that he will miss you so, make the most of this time to let him see that you’re doing great to make him miss you more.. Even if you have already broken up, you can still use the advice in this article: How To Prevent A Breakup With Your Boyfriend When You Know It’s Coming

  6. Avatar

    Anon

    July 22, 2016 at 12:04 am

    Hi, my ex and I were together for six months, we were pretty serious about each other, but towards the end of the relationship he became more distant and we started having issues. He broke up with me a little less than two months ago. His reasoning was that there was so much going on in his life, and he was so stressed out that he lost feelings. I told him I understood, and he stayed on the phone with me while I cried. We agreed to be friends but things have been a little rocky. A couple days after we broke up, I told him I needed to give his hoodie back but he wanted me to keep it…. I told him it would make me too sad, so I gave it back. We went about two weeks without talking then he occasionally started texting me first, but he was also always the one to eventually stop responding. During that time, we would just talk about how we’re doing and have some fun conversations. Then we went about another week without talking until he texted me to clear things up, since there was a rumor that he was going for another girl. After we cleared things up, we talked a lot. He talked about how much he missed me and how he always thinks about me, how I’m the only person he still cares about, he thanked me for always being there for him, how there’s “no one like me” and that he’s hoping I don’t find another guy… We also had fun casual conversations for about a whole week after that, and some of the stuff he said had me thinking he wanted to get back together. During that time of constant contact, I called him and we had a nice conversation, until we started talking about more serious stuff. I think we got onto the topic about how he still doesn’t want a relationship, and I started talking about how I don’t know whether or not to move on (he said he doesn’t know what will happen when everything “blows over”?) I cried for a long time and he stayed on the phone with me (I regret getting that emotional). We continued to text but then eventually one day some drama came up, when my friend told me he was trying to get with other girls while we were dating. I called him to talk this through, I was a mess, which probably made things worse. Then I just decided to forget about it because he said it wasn’t true. We continued texting after the call and had normal conversations. We were planning on hanging out that week but my dad said no, because he also heard that he was trying to get with other girls while we were dating. I was home alone the day after that, and ended up calling him to see if we could see each other without my dad knowing. He asked why my dad wouldn’t let me and I had to tell him. Then of course he got really upset because he’s tired of people saying things about him that aren’t true….I asked if he was lying about the girls and he said no….he seemed upset and eventually ended the phone call. I texted him a couple hours after the call and asked how him how his school work was going but he never texted me back. That was our most recent conversation. Its been two weeks. Any advice? Would the no contact rule work in my situation?

    1. Avatar

      Anon

      July 22, 2016 at 12:13 am

      I forgot to mention something about the phone call where I said I don’t know whether to move on or not. I also told him I get anxiety when we don’t talk for a while.. because he randomly cuts people off and I was scared he would cut me off (even though he called me his best friend..he’s very hot and cold) I obviously regret saying that because it seems clingy..and we had similar problems in our relationship…Later, I apologized to him about that phone call and he said it’s okay and that it was nothing. I just don’t know what to do in my situation because of how hot and cold he is. He says I’m his friend and he likes talking to me, but he goes a long time without talking to me. I want to check up on him and see if he’s okay (sometimes he doesn’t talk to people when he’s upset, but he said it would probably make him happy if I randomly asked if he’s okay?) but this no contact rule has me thinking he just needs space? I’m just so conflicted.

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 22, 2016 at 6:12 pm

      Hi Anon

      basically he just sees you as a friend..that’s it.. he like talking to you as a friend but you’re interpreting it differently that’s why you’re confused..in short .you’re friendzoned..try reading this one:
      EBR 012: How To Get Out Of The “Friend Zone” With Your Ex Boyfriend

  7. Avatar

    Sarah

    July 21, 2016 at 3:15 pm

    Hey Amor,
    I was with my guy for about 4 months, we had an amazing spark and both of us commented on how much we had in common and how easy it was to be around each other. A few months in he suggested we take a long weekend away together, and off we went. It was a great trip and even though he was very tired from a stressful few months in work we gently enjoyed each others company. His mood seemed off on the day we were returning home, and after a few days of lowered contact he kept apologising for work taking up so much of his time (even though I was never bothered by his hours). Four days after the trip he ended things with me over the phone saying he has to go away with work again, couldnt keep up the momentum between us because of stress and couldnt have a relationship with me because of it.

    The breakup was very sad, but amicable. There was no mean words or nastiness, and after a week of keeping light contact I’ve begun giving him space through the no contact period while he is away with work. I miss him a lot, and I think if the situation was different we would make a great couple. I’m prepared to take this as slow as I need to, do you think it sounds like we could possibly try again some day?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 22, 2016 at 2:42 pm

      Hi Sarah,

      yes, I think so.. He just needs to sort out how he would manage his time.

  8. Avatar

    Sophia

    July 18, 2016 at 6:46 am

    So, long story short, me and my boyfriend were together for a year and 3 months. We currently live with his parents and we share the same room. But, we go to the Job Corps in LA so were there together all week and them come together on the weekends. We started Job Corps 4 months ago and since we’ve been there we have been fighting a lot. I think the reason is because before we went to job corps it was just us home all day together for a year, and going to job corps it’s made it harder because were in a new environment away from home, and it’s not just anymore it’s 400 other people with us. And it just brought trust issues and insecurities. We basically never gave each other that space. We broke up a month ago because he said he needed time to focus on himself and he felt like he was too young to settle down, but he still loves and cares about me and said I’m the best girlfriend he’s ever had. A week later, he has a new girlfriend. That same weekend he got with her and they had sex at her house which resulted in my breaking my wrist punching a wall after I finally got him to tell me if they had sex or not and it struck me like a bullet to hear that he did. After that, I’ve come to the point where if he wanted to be with me he would be. But I still want to fix things. I was sent home on a medical leave from job corps because of my wrist 2 and a half weeks ago so I’m just home all day by myself and he’s over there until the weekend. Last weekend he came home and he was being all lovey dovey, kissing me and cuddling telling me that he still loves me. And we had sex. We went and watched a movie and had good laughs that weekend. But he was still with his girlfriend which made me confused. And when I would bring up our relationship he would just say “why do you ask so many questions?” Or “stop worrying about it”. This whole week I kind of have been ignoring him in a way, and doing my own thing, so when he came this weekend he was like “I haven’t felt myself this week like I haven’t been eating I’ve been depressed” and then he was being lovey dovey saying how he misses me and my affection. And he was telling me how his new gf is dumb and he’s done with her. And I asked him if he wanted to get back together with me and he said he kind of does. Whenever I give any hint that I might be talking to someone else he gets mad. And he comes home being all cute and cuddling but he’s not with me. And I’m tired of being confused. He told me today before he left back to job corps that he wants to text me and call me because it gets lonely without me there. But he was mad that I was distant the whole week. I want to start the no contact rule but if I have already been talking to him and engaging in conversations with him how do I start it? I’m texting him right now having a normal conversation. Also, how would I maintain the no contact rule when I am allowed back to job corps next weekend? I see him everywhere. We haven’t ended on bad terms, we’re not together but when we comes home we act like we are, so is the no contact necessary yet? Or should I wait to see if he makes the move to get back with me, and if he doesn’t, wait to do the NCR until I get to job corps? I’m so confused.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 19, 2016 at 6:12 pm

      Hi Sophia,

      I think you should talk to him sincerely but calmy.. tell him you respect him being in a relationship, and because of that you’re not comfortable being intimate with him because you respect yourself too and that you hope the same respect from him by remaining civil..
      and then do limited no contact.. focus in improving yourself.. if he initiates a talk, be polite but don’t be engaging..just focus in having your own life and stop asking about his feelings or the relatioship.. go out with your other work friends and have fun.. or just simply have lunch with them..

      focus in your own healing and progress..that way he’ll see you’re not making your world revolve around him and he has to make up his mind because you’re not waiting your whole life for him to decide. he has to prove with his actions

  9. Avatar

    Sarah Jane

    July 15, 2016 at 8:50 pm

    I’ve been seeing a guy long distance for nearly a year. It was all going well until he started dropping off the contact a couple of weeks ago. Then we met and he wasn’t affectionate towards me. He ended our relationship shorty after via text. Saying he just saw us as friends for the past couple of weeks and that I’m not the one for him. My question is, should I acknowledge his text as we are both adults and I don’t want him to think I never cared. Or should I go straight into no contact. I’m gutted and would like him back.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 16, 2016 at 3:45 pm

      Hi Sarah,

      it’s a break up text.. so, don’t reply and go straight nc

  10. Avatar

    rob

    July 14, 2016 at 5:08 am

    Advice SOS! Dated a man who I have been friends with for years. We both liked each other but there is an age difference so we avoided it. Nothing illegal… im in my 30s, he is in his 50s. When we finally got together at Xmas, the sparks were explosive and scared both of us. We were together a few months and regularly talked about all the times we had wanted to get together over the years.  but he said a cpl times he was spooked at how intense the chemistry was. He suggested we should maybe date people our own age.  Suddenly, he decided to end it and said he met someone his own age and asked me to let him go. He felt he had to do this to protect me. The age thing bugged him too much. We would friends. But he hinted more than once that he knew we would be together again. He had to do this. It hurt alot but I let him go.

    We remained close but it became too intense. We could talk on the phone great but when we went for coffee or a drive, we always wanted more and it became so difficult to be in each others company and not get together. After a cpl months, I told him he needed to figure out what he wanted and I started *and completed* the 30 days no contact. Brutal but I did it.

    When I called him after 35 days, he was pretty upset with me. We agreed to meet up. The second we hugged, the chemistry was there again. He still was angry with me for blowing him off but we talked and smoothed it all over.  He said we had to be just friends. when he walked me to my car, we said goodbye and hugged. He wouldnt let go for ages and then kissed me. He looked scared the second he pulled away.

    We texted later that day and then silence from him. When I called him a week later, he was angry with me again. What??  He has never been like this…. in 8 years. Like …he has never been verbally angry with me ever.  Why is he getting so mad with me all the time now?

    I want him back but Im confused as to whether I will get him or not. Even being his friend seems challenging right now. Help. I dont understand.

    1. Avatar

      rob

      July 15, 2016 at 1:30 am

      Amor… Could you elaborate a bit more please. Going against his principles????

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 15, 2016 at 4:34 pm

      Sorry! I meant his beliefs.. he thinks it’s not good to get involved with you because you’re too young for him. even if you’re an adult now. Maybe your age or your looks or your actions is still making him uncomfortable..it’s like the age gap is still apparent… try reading this one:
      Age Gaps With Ex Boyfriends (What They Mean & Do They Matter?)

    3. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 14, 2016 at 7:19 pm

      Hi Rob,

      I think it’s because it’s going against his principles.. let him cool off for now

  11. Avatar

    Veronica

    July 7, 2016 at 9:27 pm

    Hi,

    First I really love this website and it really gives out great advice here!

    I have purchased the book but I found one thing confusing, it doesn’t say if I could actually use the no contact rule if me and my ex (or soon-to-be ex) decide to take a break (but not technically broken up)?

    I have been dating him for 4 months now and he wanted to break up with me 4 days ago because I lied to him about going out with guys to a beach when he asked (I made it sound like going there with girl friends and then he found out about it), there’s no cheating involved, I lied because he was supposed to go with me but he backed out, so I went with those guys to get him jealous. Well, it worked but it backfired badly. Upon finding out, he was furious and said a lot of hurtful things, like I was being sneaky and deceitful and reminded him of his ex. So he decided to break up with me. I panicked and went to his apt announced and basically cried and begged that night, he calmed down a bit and we basically made up. The next morning he changed his mind and said he needed some time to think about it. I left his place and called him that night and he told me he doesn’t want to continue this anymore and he doesn’t know “where he is right now” and “that’s not fair to you” if we continue, he also told me that he thinks he is not ready and the break up is not just about that I went out to the beach with those guys. I knew he liked me a lot (maybe not love me), but I could feel that he likes me a lot and care for me, and was gradually opening up to me and trust me, and then I did that and he was shut down and went back to “reluctant to fall again”. I then told him that I am fine with taking it slow and just spend whatever time we could together and be happy, and he said ok and told me “maybe we could spend a few days apart and then reconnect”. That was on Monday night (july 4th)and I said ok and left him alone.

    I didn’t send a single text or call him after Monday and on Wednesday he sent me a single text saying “Hey xx(my name)”, I didn’t reply. I am confused and surprised that he actually contacted me, I thought I wouldn’t hear from him for at least a week. What does his text mean? Can I go in no contact now? I know we are not technically broken up and according to him, we are only “taking a few days apart”, but can I use NC rule now?

    I am not ready to face and talk to him right now and I don’t know what’s my best strategy to proceed next?

    And oh, he is 26 and I am 23 and I explained to him that I was just going there with friends and there’s no cheating involved.

    Thanks!

    Veronica

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 8, 2016 at 12:51 pm

      hi Veronica,

      if you proceed to nc that means not replying to him even if you want to.. so I think you should just take your time and then when your ready, reply or text him

  12. Avatar

    Mary Anne

    June 25, 2016 at 5:43 am

    Hi!

    I have a question regarding NC. Here’s the thing. My boyfriend of a year broke up with me in March. I went into 30 days NC. Followed your advice on your website & book. Started contact & well it seemed to be going well. Only mistake was we met up & hooked up. We kept mutually texting & meeting up & well hooking up. I was uncomfortable with it because I felt used. I wanted to put an end to it but then I find out he started seeing & hooking up with another girl. Sad to say I kept hooking up with him too because I was worried he’d want nothing to do with me if I took sex off the table & it also made me feel good because it maybe meant he wasn’t serious about the other girl because he was still seeing me. He started being really sweet to me one day which gave me hope. But next time I saw him he cut our night short & I found out the other girl went over. The following week he told me we were only friends but he still hooked up with me. End of May his attention to me dwindled completely & it seems like he always has the other girl over (he doesn’t know that I know about her). Mid June I had a falling out with my ex. Basically for 3 weeks he completely ignored me & told me he didn’t feel like seeing me. Without giving me a real reason why when before he was all about seeing me (and well her). It was out of no where. Mid June I asked him to hang out. He told me he doesn’t see me as a close friend so he doesn’t need to see me regularly, called me needy & suffocating & that he is even debating if he should even talk to me or even be friends. I was tired of him playing me & now wanting nothing to do with me that I called him out on his behavior. I told him before he had no issue seeing me & texting me & we both mutually initiated. Now it seems you are cutting me out of your life & I think I know why. I know you’re seeing the other girl & have been sleeping with both of us at the same time. I wish out of respect for me you would’ve explained to me why you lead me on after we started talking again and then now cut me out. You made it pretty obvious you’re done having anything to do with me, even friendship & im tired of being the only one putting in an effort. I went into NC after. Thing is yes as much as he is a jerk if he would want to really work it out I’d take him back. But he seems more interested in the other girl. I’m being active in NC like last time. Posting on snap chat daily funny things going on, me being social, going out etc. But I don’t know if him seeing those will have an effect or if I should block him. Even on Fb. Get him to really wonder why I don’t look at his snaps or he isn’t receiving any. Have him wonder what I’m actually doing in my life. What do you think? When we broke up & I was in NC the first time he would snap him drinking & being out all the time. When we were back on speaking terms he’d snap those things still & id comment & he’d comment on mine but now, my guess since the girl was in the picture he really toned them down. I don’t know if it’s helpful or worth it having him see me active & moving on via my snaps or if I should honestly block & have him really question where did she go? What is she up too? Etc. Your thoughts would be appreciated 🙂

  13. Avatar

    Anon

    June 5, 2016 at 4:41 pm

    Hey there.
    Thanks for advice so far.
    My boyfriend/ex I’m not exactly sure have decided to take a break. Not a break up..just a break. I agreed to it without a fight but told him I wasn’t comfortable about the idea. He told me that he doesn’t want to lose me but needs to decide to clear his head and only wants to recommit to me when he’s 100% sure. He doesn’t want to string me along. So he told me he needs time and if I want to still be with him and if it’s meant to be we will get back in contact. We ended on really good terms and I started NC last night. So I’m basically done with day 1. I’m really scared of losing him is there any articles that I can read to help my situation? Also I will be away for the next month is there anything extra I can do to get his attention?

    Thanks so much

    1. Avatar

      Anon

      June 6, 2016 at 3:00 pm

      He just texted me now asking me how I am. Should I reply or not?

  14. Avatar

    Christine

    May 31, 2016 at 5:02 am

    I think this website is incredible! The information and support that is on here is so insight and amazing. Thank you so much for doing this.
    I am kind of on the fence about making any purchases, of course I would love to get him back however, after two years of having an on again off again very distant relationship because of my issues of past abusive relationship. He has been the first man in 10 yrs that i have even had feelings for and I couldn’t handle it, things would progress and I would emotionally break down which would drive him away for a bit. And now fully understanding my own issues, I have sought out a therapist that specializes in this particular area. But so much damage has been done and he is fed up with my emotional issues, I have been in one week of NC but he def doesn’t want to talk to me ever again. As mucb as I love him and want him in my life, I almost feel it would be selfish to try to get him back. I guess my question is should I even bother or should I just let him go and find someone that can offer a more healthy, stable relationship?

    1. Avatar

      Christine

      May 31, 2016 at 1:32 pm

      Thank you! I definitely agree that this is the time to focus on myself and becoming a healthier, stronger person. Regardless. I really just don’t think 30 days of NC will be enough time though.

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 31, 2016 at 8:50 pm

      it’s ok if you wanted to extend nc 🙂

    3. Avatar

      Christine

      May 31, 2016 at 5:11 am

      Let him go so he can find a more healthy stable relationship **

    4. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 31, 2016 at 6:33 am

      Hi Christine,

      That’s thoughtful of you. Let’s say, for now put yourself first. It’s not the end of the world if you don’t get back together now or sooner but what’s more important is, if you want a chance, you have to deal with yourself first. And then after that, if things don’t reconnect, at least you can fully move on.

  15. Avatar

    Briana

    May 24, 2016 at 2:46 am

    Hi!
    My ex and I dated for a few months during the last semester of my senior year. I just graduated from college and moved to a new city, he still has one more year. We really hit it off from the beginning and had a deep connection sharing intimate details that neither of us told anyone else about before. I had just gotten out of a relationship so when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I told him that I just wanted to be exclusive and felt that labels would add too much stress at this point. Everything was perfect until he drunkenly hooked up with someone. We were on and off for a month after that and finally broke things off because he didn’t think he would be able to do long distance.
    We still ran into each other often, so I tried to keep things cordial. He would always hover whenever I was around; be flirty and very interested in what I was doing. At the same time, he never tried to see me outside of those bump-ins. when it came to the last week before I was leaving, he would send me texts saying that he misses me and that he never has as much fun as he does when he is with me. When I asked him if he was over me, he said he wasn’t but he just didn’t see how our futures would work out together, he would hate to lose the connection we had and really wanted to stay friends. I told him that I couldn’t right now as I am trying to move on with my life and have since be in NC. My question is this relationship salvageable and which duration of NC is best suited since we didn’t exactly date for a very long time.

    1. Avatar

      Briana

      May 27, 2016 at 4:18 am

      Hi Amor,

      Thanks for the advice! Should I still complete NC and if so should it be 21 or 30 days?

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 30, 2016 at 4:29 am

      try to do 30 days

    3. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 27, 2016 at 3:51 am

      Hi Briana,

      I think it can only work if you manage to build rapport while you’re away because in that way, if he’s still attracted and he sees both of you are happy then he might take a chance.

  16. Avatar

    Lauren

    May 9, 2016 at 8:23 am

    Hi Amor,

    My relationship is falling apart. I dunno what to do right now. My guy is moving away from me. He hardly calls me nowadays. I feel like I have taken granted and see that the relationship is spiralling downward. I’m in a LDR and I last spent time with him last month. Its the third trip. I’m feeling down n not sure if I should do NC.

    Please advise. Thank you.

    1. Avatar

      Kris

      May 28, 2016 at 6:04 pm

      My ex and I are in a long distance relationship. 3 weeks ago n we always fight. I think its because of me being desperate n immature so i tried my best to change for us not to fight anymore.. he started to open a topc about his crush w/c he compares me. She lives on their boardng house.. i gave him advice as if im his bestfrnd. Days latr he brokeup with me bcos i got angry becos he doesnt give me enough time like he used to. I even thought they wer dating. I guess i havnt realy changed. Im so dpndnt! The more i want hm back the more i cant get him even if i saw his sad post on fb! He said he want more time n i ddnt let him! But then he said hell help me moveon. we bcame frnds but i ddnt xpct that ill love him more. He treat me like im still his gf. Evrythng was fine. Still not sure if he still loves me.
      Wed. i didnt know why hes so horny! I dont get him. I thought he wantd to help me moveon but hes dstractng me from movng on. Yestrday we fight again bcos he wantd me to send hm nd photos on fb i refused. he even scared me that hell cheat on me with tons of girls in her frndlst on fb. He did take back what he said but keep on sayng that its bcos were just frnds. Im not really mad at him. Im just thnkng if i should use the nc rule n giv him the time that he wants. . I still love him but im not sure if nc will help me get him back and make me his gf..

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 30, 2016 at 2:18 pm

      Hi Kris,

      if not nc, do you have another plan?

    3. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 9, 2016 at 4:56 pm

      Hi Lauren,

      why? Did you fight? Did he start a new work? YOU should check this post out.
      How To Prevent A Breakup With Your Boyfriend When You Know It’s Coming

  17. Avatar

    Sarah

    May 8, 2016 at 12:56 am

    I am on day 7 of NC. My ex graduates from university next week. It will be day 14 of NC. Part of me feels like I should send him a “Happy Graduation!” text. It’s a big deal and something that was really stressing him out while we were dating. I feel as if I don’t text him that he will see me as rude and inconsiderate because he knows that I know his graduation date. What do you recommend? Should I text him or not?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 9, 2016 at 2:05 am

      Hi Sarah,

      why did you do nc? actually you shouldn’t because even greeting happy birthday is not allowed.

  18. Avatar

    Dennie

    May 6, 2016 at 9:53 am

    Hello team at EBR
    I came across your website while searching on ways to get my ex-boyfriend back and I must say that it is indeed very helpful. However, I am not very sure if at this phase in my relationship, I would still have to follow NC?
    I am a 26 year old girl from India and my boyfriend is the same age as well. We have been dating from the past 4 and a half years. Being from a conservative family, he knew from day 1 that there are high chances of his parents never agreeing to our union because we come from different religious backgrounds. But, we really wanted to be together and decided that no matter what, we will convince our parents to agree. We did not elope because he comes from a difficult financial situation and is the elder of the 2 children.
    My parents agreed sooner than his and that is when things went downhill from there. He still assured me that he would convince them and he would actually talk to his mother daily convincing her to meet me and agree. He was scared because his mother would keep saying no and things didn’t work out. We had promised each other that we would stick around no matter what and all was fine. Then, suddenly on 8th March he said his parents are forcing him to see a girl and he is feeling choked because of that and then overnight he just said, “I don’t love you anymore.” “Let us not text.” “Let us not meet.” “Let us not be friends.” (Oh and I forgot to mention, since 1 year we were in a LDR meeting only once or twice each month. )

    He said a lot of hurtful things as well and the month of March and April hasn’t been that great. I begged him until 1st week April which resulted in me getting blocked on Social Media but then ultimately, I was unblocked. He said I shouldn’t be texting him but things are very confusing. I know he left me because of his parents then why would he change overnight and say he doesn’t love me? Post break-up, he said he can’t block me, he can’t be friends and he doesn’t want to hurt me more.
    And he told me all this over texts on what’sapp not on phone or in person so I can’t accept it all the more. He even told me that if he would see me, he would fall in love all over again.

    Off late, he was trying to be of help by sending me contacts of people in my profession. Then one day he sent me images of his new office. And I don’t beg him anymore because I am working on myself, diet, exercise, etc. but what hurts me is that he doesn’t even respond at times to my text asking him how is his health (by profession, I am a practising Homoeopathic Doctor and I would be treating him occasionally. Just to clear, it is not a doctor-patient relationship, we started dating in college.) he doesn’t respond to my texts of concern.

    2 days back when I texted him that I am doing fine, etc. He said, I should be concerned with my own life. I said that I hope to meet you someday, just casually and he said it won’t ever happen. He said he doesn’t hate me, is not angry on me and it is nothing like not liking me, he just said that I am still his best friend, we are friends but we shouldn’t text and so now it’s day 2 of NC and I don’t know if I should stay right until 30 days on NC because I don’t even know the real reason why he would change overnight.

    I am just so confused!!! I know he needs help more than me right now, but how do I reach out to him if he won’t talk to me or answer my call?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 8, 2016 at 11:04 am

      Hi Dennie,

      whyb do you think he needs help? is it because of his parents? I think he’s adult enough to make his decision and he did.. for now, nc is actually the better step

  19. Avatar

    EBR Team Member: Amor

    May 4, 2016 at 6:35 am

    if he’s just talking, then maybe it’s just that… actually, you should have followed up the next day with a text after your positive convo.. but it’s ok.. if you’re not comfortable, don’t text him.. coz it will show, but once you start again, you have to build it up daily if you get positive responses.

  20. Avatar

    EBR Team Member: Amor

    April 27, 2016 at 9:39 am

    Don’t act jealous.. if they are dating you have to come from a friendly position only because he will protect his relationship if he knows you want him back.

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