Ah, the no contact rule!  When to use it.  When not to use it. And how to use it!  That last one is probably the most important thing you need to learn.

Quite frankly, for some situations, when the no contact rule doesn’t work, it’s because how it was used.

Did you know that the NC principle is looked at as a religion here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.  And this is mainly because when you use the No Contact Rule correctly on your ex boyfriend, the results can be amazing for the two of you, particularly for your emotional health.

But there are times when you should NOT use the no contact rule on your boyfriend and if you don’t heed my advice, you may end up causing more damage to the already struggling relationship.

Today we are going to explore why the No Contact Rule does not work for some people and when it does work, what are the necessary conditions that should be in place.

We are also going to take a look at when the no contact rule backfires, how you should handle it. It doesn’t usually happen, but when the NC rule fails, you need to ask yourself why and what you expected to get out of it.

In my book, the No Contact Rule seldom fails if you think about how it can benefit you in so many ways.  Remember, it not just about getting your ex boyfriend back.  NC plays a huge role in you getting back your confidence, self-esteem, and sense of dignity.  Never forget that a big component of this principle is your self recovery!

Should You Use The No Contact Rule or Should You Avoid It Like A Plague!

If you take some time to look around the site you will notice that every single article I have written that is based on the no contact rule has hundreds (and sometimes thousands) of comments from women.  And many of these ladies are interested in the “how long” question.

The timing of when you should apply the No Contact Rule for your situation is critical.  How long you do it for and whether you can end it sooner than planned are very popular questions.

Often times the comments go something like this:

“Chris, my ex and I broke up last month.  Is it still too late to do the no contact rule?”

or

“Chris, I am trying out the no contact rule but his birthday falls on that date. Am I allowed to wish him a happy birthday.  Does that mean I need to end NC, then start it up again?”

or my personal favorite:

“Can you tell me what dictates “breaking” the no contact rule. I think I may have broken it…”

Guess what? If you are asking that then you probably did break it!

7 Situations When You Probably Shouldn’t Use the No Contact Rule on Your Ex Boyfriend

So let’s start first with when you really shouldn’t even try using the NC rule.  In fact, it is really less of a rule and more of principle and sometimes it just doesn’t make sense to use this strategy on your ex boyfriend.  So let’s discuss seven situations where you should think twice before instituting this concept.

1. The Relationship With Your Ex Boyfriend Has Been Very Lengthy and Successful

When you and your ex have a long history together and you both have been happy with each other, with minimal fights, that would suggest you both have put down some powerful relationship roots.  Sure, you might need some space from each other.  That approach could be very beneficial.  But if you were to implement No Contact fully, it is bound to backfire.

2. You Are Living Together and Have a Child

One of the most challenging things in life is raising a child together at the same time you are trying to work through relationship conflicts.  So it is understandable if couples have problems that get magnified because of the stresses in their life.  Often these spats and temporary breakups have a very short life.  Using the No Contact rule requires evaluating the full scope of what has happened in the past and present and the couple’s prospects for the future.  If you have a kid together, I would caution you about doing anything that will create more division.  Keeping the communication channel open (even if its limited) is often the best strategy.

3. It Is Your First Breakup With This Guy

Once again, it is important to get a full read of the relationship landscape with your ex boyfriend before you decide to ghost him or just do a radio silence number on him.  If this is the first breakup test for the relationship, then you should err on the side of avoiding initiating the No Contact Rule.  Whatever led to the collapse of your connection may not be serious enough to go this route.  The NC rule is often best used in very toxic situations and unless this falling out has gotten real ugly, just keep this tactic in your pocket.  You can always deploy it later if communications are not re-established and things are worsening.

4. Don’t Use No Contact If You are Acting out of Anger

Make no mistake, when you and your boyfriend split up, you are likely going to be mad, possibly really angry.  You may feel so bitter that you will immediately seek for a way to teach him a lesson.  So what better lesson can you teach your “good for nothing” ex than just never speaking with him again, ever.  This is what anger can do to us.  It can cause us to to say and do very stupid things.  So don’t make a decision as important as this out of passion.  It seldom leads anywhere good.

5. Don’t Allow Your Impulsive Nature Cut Your Ex Boyfriend Completely Out of Your Life

When we are upset, we do things impulsively and if your ex bf has disappointed you, there may be a part of you that wants nothing to do with him.  You may immediately come to believe that he is not worth having around so cutting your ex out may come easy at first.  So when the no contact rule doesn’t work because you were impulsive, don’t be surprised because you are doing it for the wrong reasons and in the wrong way.

6. If You Initiated The Breakup With You Ex, Think Twice About Using No Contact

While the NC rule has great applicability to many situations, it is probably gets the least results when you are the one that initiated the breakup and dumped your ex boyfriend.  He already feels rejected and signing up for a long period of no communications of any kind with him is likely not going to help your cause.  This is very much the case if you are sure you want him back.   Now if you left him because things were toxic, then putting some space and distance between the two of you may be called for.  But never think that no contact should always immediately follow a breakup.  It may not be called for at all or a form of limited contact may be in order.

7. If You Are Uncertain and Have Serious Doubts About The Breakup, Then Take A Time Out

It may be that you are really unsure about what has transpired.  Both you and your ex bf may be seriously questioning whether this breakup is the real deal.  Maybe you just needed a day or two to emotionally reset.  Sometimes, just giving each other some space for a few days, then slowly resuming contact is a wiser course of action.

Get the Fairy Tale Feeling Back Again With Our Step By Step Guide To Getting Your Ex Back

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10 Situations Where Using the No Contact Rule Makes A lot of Sense

Let’s now talk about those cases in which it makes a lot of sense to seriously consider implementing the NC rule.   So while not every one of these situations will necessarily result in the you implementing the principle, more often that not, it will do you good in these situations.

  1. Your ex boyfriend left you and made it clear it was over and claims he doesn’t want to see you again.
  2. You discovered that your ex bf was cheating on you.
  3. The relationship with your boyfriend has been toxic in many ways and this has been going on for several months.
  4. You and your boyfriend have experienced a series of breakups and the relationships seems to be getting worse.
  5. Your ex has been emotionally abusive and then dumped you in the cruelest way.
  6. You feel very unhappy and have yet to recover from the pain of the breakup and your ex bf has given you zero support.
  7. Its been a few weeks already with no sign of your ex boyfriend showing any interest in you.
  8. You find yourself in a cycle of constantly texting him and he has yet to respond to any of your texts.
  9. Your boyfriend has specifically asked you that he needs space and has shown signs of pulling away from the relationship.
  10.  You boyfriend did something from each of the above, in which case go directly into NC and forget about him.

Dispelling 5 Top Myths About Using the No Contact Rule

For all the years I have been doing this, I have had to dispel a lot of rumors about the No Contact Rule and what it is used for and how it works and what it can and can’t do for you.  So let’s talk about the top 5 myths surrounding the NC rule.

1. It Always Works

While implementing this principle can do so many positive things for you, it cannot guarantee your ex boyfriend will come running back to you.  First of all, it’s hard to implement, so while the idea of the concept is solid, it is not easy for people to follow its guidelines perfectly. And even it you did everything right, making all the right decisions along the way, you can still be left wondering what happened with what you thought was the dream man for your life.

2. The No Contact Rule Is All About Getting Your Ex To Come Back To You

This may be one of the biggest myths of them all.  It turns out, using NC rule to get him back is probably the least impactful thing about this principle.  The part that I believe can have positive life changing consequences is the self recovery process.  Learning more about who you are and what you want and picking yourself up and loving yourself fully and becoming the Ungettable Girl…these are just a few of the self recovery aspects associated with the No Contact Rule.

3. It Always Makes Him Miss You

While it certainly can make your man miss you and think about you constantly, it is not solely designed to do this.  And sometimes, it falls short of this expectation.  Instead of missing you, your ex could be out there just partying it up.  And the more he feels ignored, the more he is going to show you how he doesn’t need you.  This can happen, though it is not often that men behave in this way.  Indeed, if your ex boyfriend is incapable of truly missing you, then it shows he either doesn’t value you or is just a rotten kind of guy.

4. Once You Start It You Can’t Break It

This is of course is a big fallacy.  The way I see it, the no contact rule is best employed when it can be adapted for each individual situation.  Sometimes it works to modify your approach, breaking your code of silence, if the right circumstances present themselves.  I discuss this at length in my ebook The No Contact Rule Book!

5.  It Has To Be 30 Days Long

No it doesn’t.  Your No Contact period can be any number of days, though I have found the best results when it runs 21 to 45 days.  But there have been times when I recommended 14 days or just get away from each other for a few days.  So there is no magic number that you must adhere to at all costs.

Why Is This NC Rule So Confusing and Complicated!

The no contact rule is a relatively simple idea at first, but gets progressively more complex as you peel the layers back.

For example, the general premise of the no contact rule states that you are supposed to ignore an ex in just about every way for 21-45 days straight.

(Note: The length of the no contact rule can be modified, but I like to recommend a 30 day rule for most folks!)

It’s a simple idea, right?

I mean, you just carve out a block of time and ignore him.

Simple as that!

Umm…. actually it’s not that easy.

What if you find yourself in the following situations?

  • You Live With An Ex
  • You Go To Work or School With Him
  • You Share Children Together
  • HE Becomes A Text Gnat And Seems Unstable
  • He Wants To Pick Up His Things (Or You Need To From Him)

All of a sudden this really easy idea becomes quite complicated.

So what I am going to do next is teach you exactly what to do in all of the above situations.

Hint Hint… You cannot always do a strict no contact rule.

8 Must Know Rules Of Using No Contact Rule In The Proper Way

grammatical errors

When I first started Ex Boyfriend Recovery I was very cerebral in my thinking.

In other words, I was book smart but I wasn’t street smart.

As a result, the advice I gave women was good, but it could have been better as I hadn’t seen enough cases to evaluate all the possibilities. Now that I am several years into dealing with breakups, I can honestly say that the advice I offer now isn’t only better but it’s more complete and informative.

You often hear the ex recovery experts out there preach the strictness that goes along with the no contact rule.

What do I mean by that?

“Make sure you DO NOT break the no contact rule under any circumstances.”

I was actually guilty of this in the very early days.

Well, I will say this about my advice in those instances.

I was mostly right, but not right along the margins.

There are some instances where holding true to the no contact rule is a bad idea. In other words, you have to bend the no contact rule a little bit to suit your needs.

1. Recognize There Are Complexities In Getting An Ex Back

complicated

How often have you heard me say this phrase?

“No two “ex” situations are alike.”

There has probably never been a truer phrase that I have muttered in my time on this earth than that phrase above.

In all my years doing this the one big epiphany I have had is that every situation I encounter is unique and may require different tactics to succeed. Heck, there are some situations that are doomed to fail no matter what you do.

This upsets me because I honestly just want to help everyone who needs it and the thought that I might fail you at times is disheartening.

So, I guess I am fighting a losing battle in that sense since this is such a complex process.

Nevertheless, I am all about improving YOUR odds so you can succeed in the end and I intend on searching for answers for the rest of my life if I have to, to improve your odds dramatically.

Here is what I have picked up in my “journey” so far.

Getting an ex boyfriend back is one of the most challenging processes and is reliant on many factors that are difficult to predict.

You are attempting to do one of the more difficult things on earth!

Changing a man’s mind that is already made up.

And the no contact rule may be the best ammunition you have for this fight. So what happens when you are faced with a situation where you can’t do the no contact rule or you are not sure how it will work in your situation?

Do you just give up?

I think not.  You recognize the challenge and roll up your sleeves and get the best information available and get to work.

2. The Secret To Making No Contact Work Is About Adaptation and Perseverance

adaptation

If you want to persevere with the no contact rule in a situation where it looks like you won’t get far, then you have to be willing to adapt.

You see, adaptation is your key to success.

It is the thing that sets the unsuccessful women apart from those ladies who are able to rebuild the connection with their ex boyfriend.

Well, that and the fact that the women who actually listen to my advice always seem to do better in the end as well!

Below I have compiled a list of the most common situations where no contact seems impossible,

  • You Live With An Ex
  • You Go To Work or School With Him
  • You Share Children Together
  • HE Becomes A Text Gnat And Seems Unstable
  • He Wants To Pick Up His Things (Or You Need To From Him)

Most women who are faced with these situations fail because they think that utilizing the no contact rule is impossible. What they fail to realize is that this concept is not impossible.  Indeed, it is almost necessary for most given its many benefits. It just simply requires a few adaptations for some.

So, what I am going to do for you is go through each of these situations one by one and explain the adaptations, alterations and tweaks that I recommend for each situation.

Sound like a plan?

Good, because that leads to our 3rd must know lesson!

3. How To Handle NC When You Live With Your Ex Boyfriend

cat dog

It’s kind of hard to implement not talking, texting, or communicating in any way with your ex if  your significant other lives with you.

So, rather than admitting defeat and just scrapping the no contact rule you should abide by the follow rules if you find yourself in this situation,

  • Don’t initiate any conversations unless absolutely necessary
  • If he instigates a conversation about your job or some other topic, just be somewhat pleasant, but don’t  linger in a conversation too long.
  • Any chance you get you should end the conversation, particularly if he started it.  Don’t do it abruptly, just fade out of the convo.

What is the point of doing this?

He needs to feel like there is a definite difference between the normal you that he is so used to and the post breakup you.

Now, you may be wondering where I came up with these rules.

Well, the truth is that I came up with them as a result of my wife.

Allow me to explain.

Obviously my wife and I live together, so we have become pretty used to each other.

We both know what each other is like when we are in good moods, bad moods and eh moods.

If I notice that my wife is really quiet or non responsive,then I immediately think to myself:

“I wonder what’s wrong?”

It is at this point that I pry and probe:

“Hey, is everything ok?”

Usually I will get a candid sounding response like:

“Yup, everything is fine.”

Now, do I believe her?

No.

Why?

Because I am used to her normal behavior and her normal behavior isn’t quiet and distant.  Rather it’s bubbly and talkative.

So, what do you think I do next?

Well, much to her annoyance I try to start fixing a problem that I have no knowledge of. This puts me in a position where I am chasing her trying to gain her approval. It is a position that many of the women on this site would love to see their ex boyfriends do.

This is why, when you live with your ex, you need to show them  that things aren’t OK.  That the relationship is not in a good place.  That things between the two of you are far from optimal.

There definitely has to be some type of difference between you before and after the breakup if you live together in order to coax out some potential solutions.  Though admittedly, this is short term tactic because it is very difficult for a couple to remain together, living under the same roof, if they are still in breakup mode.

4. Make the No Contact Period A Problem or Challenge Your Ex Boyfriend Must Solve

I am not a construction expert.

I haven’t built a house and I don’t know how to fix cars.

But, as a man, I like to think I do.

There is no way in hell that I would ever be able to, but I like to think I can.

So, when it comes to putting things together, I am always the first person in line to attempt it. For example, I recently put together a TV stand for a new TV I bought. The idea of solving a problem like putting together a new stand was very intriguing to me.

5 hours later… it wasn’t so intriguing.

(Seriously, it took me 5 hours.)

Here is my point, I am a man and I like to solve problems. It makes me feel accomplished and smart.

This principle isn’t just true of physical problems like putting together a TV stand.

It is also true of emotional ones like trying to figure out what is bothering my wife and helping people in their darkest moments when it comes to relationships (Ex Boyfriend Recovery.)

This isn’t a trait that I just have.

ALL MEN like to solve problems, they just don’t always know it.

So, the idea behind the no contact rule (like the situation above while living together) is to give your ex a problem to solve so you can position him in an area where he is going to be forced to gain your approval to fix the problem.

Here’s a quick recap of how you are supposed to use no contact to do that (if you live together.)

5. How Does NC Rules Work If You Go To Work Or School With Him

working

This is another one of those situations where you can’t really use the no contact rule in the fullest way you would prefer.

However, what am I teaching you in this article?

Just because you can’t use it fully, doesn’t mean you can’t adapt it to your advantage.

So, how do we alter the no contact rule to our advantage in these cases.

Well, before we get to that I think it is important to mention that work and school are two different entities and within those entities are different challenges.

What the heck do I mean by that?

Lets take work as an example.

There are different types of work. For example, if you have a summer job where you work with your ex then that isn’t going to be the same as having a career where you are going to see your ex boyfriend five days a week.

School also has different entities associated with it

High school versus college for example.

So, what I would like to do now is take these different entities and explain how the no contact rule has to be altered to fit the needs of each individual situation.

Before I get started I am going to give you a quick run down on topics I will be covering and how No Contact Rule might work for each of these.

School

  • High School
  • College

Work

  • Part Time Job
  • Career

Lets start with school first!

How Do You Implement the No Contact Rule If You Are In School School Together?

In my opinion the differences between high school and college present a big enough difference to warrant a divide.

So, obviously I am going to be talking about the changes you have to make during your period of no contact in each of these cases.

Lets start with high school.

NC If You Are In High School

High school has it’s advantages and disadvantages.

Lets focus on the negative first.

The biggest disadvantage that follows high school is the fact that your opportunity to see your ex boyfriend is higher than it would be in college. With college you are often running from building to building, taking different classes. With high school, while you may be taking different classes, you may be in the same building a lot of the time.

Now, an advantage that goes along with the no contact rule in high school is the fact that I haven’t met many high school students who have been able to successfully implement it. So, your ex boyfriend won’t know what hit him when you do try it on him.  He may just think you are acting unusually cold which really doesn’t serve your purposes.  There is little mystery to what is happening.

So, how do you navigate a NC situation if you go to high school with him?

Simple, avoid him as much as possible but don’t be obvious about it. If he tracks you down or if you are forced to talk to him make sure you aren’t rude to him.  Dazzle your ex boyfriend with kindness they say. The no contact rule isn’t about being mean (though some aspects of it may seem that way.) Our goal here isn’t to alienate him enough to where he hates you.

So, what do you do if he walks up to you in class and asks you why you are ignoring him?

I want you to look at him with a smile and repeat the following,

“Nothing!”

The smile is the important part so don’t forget that.  Maybe even a hug.  That will throw him off too!

You want to be short with him but not mean which is actually a pretty hard thing to accomplish if you think about it because we automatically assume that someone is mad with us if they are short with us.

That is actually why having a pleasant and happy demeanor is so important.

Anyway, other than the situations where you are forced to communicate with him, the no contact rule pretty much remains the same.

Don’t contact him..

Don’t respond to him…

Do this for 30 days and then you can begin the process outlined in The No Contact Rule Book.

Lets turn our attention to college.

How Does it Work If You Are In College?

What is the main difference between an ex in college versus one in high school?

Experience.

An ex boyfriend who you have dated through college has probably seen more when it comes to relationships and you have to use this to your advantage.

So, what happens to men when they have seen a lot in relationships?

They get paranoid.

Let me give you an example.

A man who was in a relationship with a girl who cheated on him is most likely going to be paranoid that his next girlfriend will do the same to him.

Use his paranoia to your advantage.

How do you do that?

Through jealousy!

Since you are in college I am going to assume that you are going to be taking a class together.

So, lets say that you walk into class one day and you completely ignore your ex and you start talking to some other guy that sits near you.

You lightly touch this new guy…

You laugh at his jokes…

But most importantly it’s not obvious what you are doing.

It seems natural.

Trust me when I say that your ex is going to take notice.

Especially if it’s right after the breakup.

What’s the point of doing this?

It’s to serve as a gentle reminder at what he’s losing out on and boy is it effective if you can pull it off.

Again, if he tries to talk to you apply the same rules as above in that you are pleasant but very short.

Also, one thing I forgot to mention above was the fact that the second he gives you an opportunity to exit the conversation you take it.

You do this for 30 days straight and then attempt to get him back via the methods in PRO.

How Does No Contact Work If you Work Together?

There are a lot of women who visit this site that wonder what they should do with regards to the no contact rule if they work with their ex. In fact, I received a voice mail today for my new podcast, The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast asking this very question (EBR 009 if you are interested.)

A lot of the rules for work are similar to school but there are a few minor differences.

But before we get into that lets take a look at the two different categories of work,

  1. Part Time Jobs
  2. Careers

Lets start with number one!

Part Time Jobs and NC

I look at this as any type of job that you won’t see your ex five days a week like you would with a career.

Think of a summer job for a kid in high school or just a job on the side to pick up some extra cash.

The biggest positive that goes along with a part time job is that the job only requires some of your time so it makes the no contact rule slightly more effective because you won’t have to see your ex all the time.

Again, the same rules apply as above (upbeat, positive, short, exit the conversation the first chance you get.)

There really isn’t anything much to add here. Just treat a part time job like you would a college NC alteration.

Where things get really interesting is in careers.

That is where you have to make some serious alterations to the no contact rule.

Careers and NC

A career is a job that you will be at for many years and it is looked at as a full time job where you will have to see your ex boyfriend a minimum of five days a week.

Obviously doing the no contact rule at work is going to be extremely tough, so you are going to have to adopt a form of limited contact.

In other words, the rules of no contact still apply but since you are going to be forced to talk with your ex (since you see him 5 days a week) you are going to have to figure out exactly how to approach conversations with him.

I like recommending keeping things strictly about business.

In other words, if you worked at a balloon shop:

balloon

(Hey, I am trying to keep things interesting don’t hate.)

If you worked at a balloon shop then try to keep all forced conversations about balloons. In the unlikely case he brings up your relationship be short with him.  Work and relationship talk during this breakup phase rarely mix well.  So avoid it.

One word or brief answers work wonders here.

However, you need to be very careful in how you communicate.

  • If you look depressed, angry and sad then your one word answer is going to be taken as negative.
  • If you look happy, upbeat and bubbly then your one word answer is going to be taken more positive and maybe perplexing

This is the important part.

Brief answers are indicative of when something is wrong.

YOU WANT THIS!

You want it in a positive manner (hence the happy, upbeat and positive stuff I said above) but you also want him to think in the back of his head:

“Hey there is a problem with her.”  

Why?

Remember what I said above about men wanting to fix problems?

Yup, this plays right into that.

Also, really work hard to sprinkle some jealousy into the environment. The combination of these can be very powerful during limited contact.

6. How Does the No Contact Rule Work If You Share Children Together?

childre

Another situation that I would like to talk about today is if you have children together.

Obviously you can’t do the no contact rule if you have to communicate with your ex over the kids.

So, what alterations do you need to make in this instance?

Lets give an example to further explore what should be done.

Mary and Mike have one child together and they just broke up. Mary took the child and is living with her parents right now. She would also like to use the no contact rule on Mike but she isn’t sure on how to approach it when she has to communicate with him over their child.

What should she do?

Well, lets look at her situation this way.

Can she still use the no contact rule on Mike?

In some aspects she can.

She is living with her parents so she can use the no contact rule in some respects with not contacting and seeing her ex.

But what if he sends her this text message one day?

jake

Obviously, Jake is the child that Mike and Mary share.

So, what should Mary do?

Should her child suffer the wrath of no contact?

Of course not.

No, in this case Mary is allowed to break the no contact rule to talk about topics concerning the child.

School..

Appointments..

Emergencies..

As long as it’s about Jake (the child) Mary can break the no contact rule to communicate.

This brings up an interesting question though.

Can Mary branch out to topics outside of her child?

No, any time she breaks her no contact rule it has to strictly be about her child and that’s it. If she talks about the weather, the amazing game last night or something that reminded her of Mike then that is considered a breach of the no contact rule and you will incur the wrath of me.

And you don’t want to incur my wrath!

Jennifer Chris W-121-X2

(Hey don’t judge, they told us to glare in the picture….)

One last note about no contact with kids before I move on to our next scenario.

You will find that since you are forced to communicate a bit more with your ex during NC in this situation. The chances of having him bring up the past relationship are slightly more likely.

What should you do if this happens?

I am so glad you asked!

Don’t talk about your relationship at all until after the no contact rule.

Again, you can find out how to do this correctly with Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.

So, how do you fend off his questions about your relationship?

Well, you can always refer to the working together section above on one word or brief responses.  Or you can say one of my favorite phrases:

“I am not in the mood to talk about that right now.”

Both are equally effective!

7.  Turn Your Ex Into A Text Gnat (In A Good Way)

This site has becomes famous in underground circles and as a result a lot of the ideas I have presented on it have gone viral.

One of those ideas has been the idea of a text gnat.

What is a text gnat?

Look at the graphic below,

text gnat

The serious of messages above are synonymous with a text gnat.

When women do this to men it is almost equivalent to having an annoying gnat buzz around your head and no matter how many times you try to swat it away it just keeps on buzzing around.

Hence the name, text gnat.

Now, when it comes to Ex Boyfriend Recovery I am usually talking about “text gnats” with regards to crazy women alienating their ex boyfriend.

In fact, I don’t think I have ever talked about crazy men text gnatting women who have done the no contact rule on them.

Gnatting does work both ways after all.

So, what happens if you use the no contact rule on an ex boyfriend and he texts you the following series of text messages seven days into NC?

good gnat

Most experts will have you believe that you should continue your no contact period if this happens.

Well, I am not like most experts.

You have to remember that the main reason that you are doing NC in the first place is to get your ex back and if he is begging for you back you have already won!

You accomplished your goal.

Congratulations!

So, do you break no contact right there and then and have the happy reunion that you so desperately want?

No, don’t get ahead of yourself yet.

Your ex boyfriend would be expected to send some positive gnat messages in one day or over the course of the week for you to break NC off early.

So, if he sends you some text messages (begging for you back) and and perhaps he calls you as well, then that would demonstrate a positive trend  and you can break NC off early to discuss his terms of reinstatement.

What About Negative Gnatting?

Now, you may be sitting there and wondering:

“Chris, what if I have already achieved the “multiple positive actions” but they were all negative?”

Well, if that’s the case then I have some bad news for you.

You won’t be able to end your no contact period early.

Why?

Lets say that your ex boyfriend has sent you ten text messages all with one common theme, they are all negative.

They all look like this:

apike message

If your ex boyfriend tries to send a text message like this to you he is trying to illicit a reaction out of you.

Don’t give it to him.

I liken this to a reaction a child would have if it isn’t getting it’s way.

I mean, we aren’t here to re-enforce bad behavior, we are here to eliminate it.

You wouldn’t give a child who just spilled milk on a $500 rug a cookie, would you?

So, why would you give your ex boyfriend the pleasure of communicating with you if he has just got done fussing or cursing you out?

The only time you get to reward him with the proverbial cookie is if he his positive about wanting you back.

Do you understand!

I am going to go out on a limb here and say you do, so lets move on!

8. The NC Rules About Exchanging Items

give it to me

Another common question I get asked by readers of Ex Boyfriend Recovery is:

“Am I allowed to break the no contact rule if I have to give him his things back.”

Well, there are two categories I would like to divide this section up into.

  1. Him Asking For His Things Back
  2. You Wanting Your Things Back

There are different protocols that have to be put into effect for each of these situations.

Lets start first with him asking for his things back,

What To Do About NC If He Wants His Things Back?

He has kind of forced your hand here if he calls you up one day and asks for his things back.

It is at this point that you are going to be faced with a pretty tough decision if you are already doing the NC rule.

Do you break it and give him his things back?

or

Do you ignore him and contact him after his NC rule?

Remember, our goal with the NC rule isn’t to steal his things and make him so mad that he never talks to you again, which you run the risk of doing if you ignore his attempts to exchange things.

So, here is the protocol that I want you to put in place if he contacts you during your NC period and wants his things back.

Lets say that he texts you with a text saying that he wants his things back.

Well, I want you to respond the following way:

exchange

Notice how short and to the point the texts were.

I want you to act exactly like this on texts and in person.

Short and to the point.

Remember, you are all business and the business in this case is exchange your things.

If he tries to bring up your past relationship you just use some of the tricks I taught you already with the previous situations.

You are just there to give him his things back and that is it.

Any talk about anything else needs to be short and to the point.

(Finding a theme anyone?)

Lets move on to the protocols that are in place if you want your things back.

What To Do In NC If YOU Want Your Things Back From Him

The very first thing you need to determine is how important the things you want back from him are.

For example, if its just a silly toothbrush you left over at his place it would be a little ridiculous if you wanted that back when you could just go to the dollar store and get one for a buck. So, the protocol that is in place here has to do with how important the items you want back are.

A toothbrush…. not so important.

A dog on the other hand…

Well, that is probably worth contacting him and asking him for.

Basically the point I am trying to get at is this.

If you can live without the things that he has then don’t bother breaking NC for them. After all, you can just get them back after the NC rule is completed.

If you do deem the things important enough then you have my permission to break NC for them.

However, the same rules above apply.

Short and to the point!

Frequently Asked Questions About When You Should or Shouldn’t Use the No Contact Rule

1. When can I break the no contact rule? He has been calling me and texting me and I think he is really sorry.

If it has only been a few days, I would caution you about completely breaking away from your plan to allow for some space.  It’s OK to reach out to him to acknowledge his efforts and explain why you need your space.  If he loves you, he will honor your request for privacy.  Depending on the circumstance, you might want to shorten up the period of no contact.  In other situations, a few weeks may have already passed by, so in the event you are getting numerous positive indications from your ex boyfriend, then it wouldn’t be unreasonable to reach out to him in a measured way.

2. Does the No Contact Rule work if you were dumped.  My ex bf made me feel inferior and now he says he wants to talk to me about living up to his standards.  I am afraid to upset him more, but I am not sure if I should give in to him.

In this situation, it makes sense to keep your distance and stay true to your plan to create some space between him and you. At the very least, you need some quality time to heal.  No boyfriend, worth their salt, should treat their ex girlfriend in such a condescending way.  After you invest some time to heal and find yourself again, you may discover you don’t need him or want him back in your life.

3. My ex boyfriend is stubborn to a fault and has in the past insisted I need to respond quickly to his texts.  Will this no contact rule  work on stubborn men or should I just relent and keep answering his messages?

Some men are control freaks and your ex boyfriend seems to want to control your life, even after the breakup.  So this is bordering on toxic behavior and you should embrace the NC rule and put  a lot of space between you and he.  Give your ex a heads up, so he is not surprised.  No doubt he will be unhappy, but it is unwise to enable your ex’s undesirable behavior.

4. What situations does the No Contact Rule accomplish what you need?  I am just torn in half and really don’t know what I want or need from him.

If you are looking for emotional recovery, that is what this concept was founded on.  It is meant to get you out of the jaws of the pain of a breakup and focus you on getting emotionally healthier.  The most important thing for you to accomplish after parting ways with your ex boyfriend is finding yourself again and getting perspective about what is really important.  This principle is intended to get you to that place.

606 thoughts on “When NOT To Use The No Contact Rule On Your Ex Boyfriend”

  1. Avatar

    Madison

    December 8, 2019 at 11:10 pm

    Hi, I recently broke up with my ex 3 months ago. after my 2 months of finding myself. I have cheated before like in year 1. Fast forward 3 years later and engaged I broke up with him. During this break, I had sexual encounters with someone else. Then I told him about because I thought weren’t getting back together. Well, Now that I want him back he is talking to someone new and has made a connection with her with similar interests. I was just wondering if I should do the no contact rule? If yes, How long?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 9, 2019 at 5:59 pm

      Hi Madison, so yes you need to do a no contact rule. And in that time you need to read about the being there method so that you can prepare yourself to deal with anything that may develop with this new person

  2. Avatar

    Madison

    December 8, 2019 at 11:04 pm

    Hi, I just bought your ebook. Well, my story is that I broke up with him because I wanted to find myself. Found out all I really wanted was him. We were engaged when I broke up with him. One of the biggest mistakes of my life. So I have cheated on him one like 3 years ago. We moved on from that, well when we were on our break on told him that I was with a guy sexually and he freaked out. Well, when I wanted him back he was already talking to another girl. They seem to have a lot of things in common. I just wanted to know do I do the no contact rule? If so, how long should I do that? I’m scared that he is going to move on

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 8, 2019 at 11:12 pm

      Hi Madison, so you need to do No Contact and it needs to be 30 days minimum, even if he is getting to know another woman you need to show your ex that you are the best version of yourself, read up about the Ungettable Girl

  3. Avatar

    Audrey

    December 7, 2019 at 1:23 am

    Hi Chris,
    So me and my ‘bf’ broke up, we have been ‘together ‘ for just about 3 months then he loses his feelings for me i was really dumb i did no contact for 3 days and he texted me and we chatted cassually he then regained his feelings for me tho i am still pretty scared so for the last months i have been pushing his away hot and cold said i wanted to be friemds and then freak out if he agrees i’m scared to get intimate with him because i’m scared of gettung hurt, now he lost his feelings for me again, i loved him like this its really scary to be fair i was crazy i would say lets not talk anymore then we won’t talk
    then i’ll reach out we never talk cassually that much because well i was obsessed i decided to stick with my guts and stayed no contact with him for as long as i need its been 5 days and well he haven’t talked to me i decided to block him cause i have soo many issues i need to fix it first but i’m scared he’ll be ok without me, he usually texts me every week he never actually commit tho maybe i was too insane but apparently he has girls too he was trying to explore? Idk, but he told me he never felt this way before and while he was with someone he said that he wants to be with me after her and stay with me? This was before any of this mess, oh and recently before i went completely insane with him he saod he miss me i played it cool amd ask if he wants me to move on and he said yes and then again i went insane with him and now i think he is back with his ex i confonted him and he said yes and i played it cool for a moment until he could tell i am ipset and said “don’t do that, lets just talk it out right now” I said “no, don’t want to amd i need a few months time” I previously said i need time to and he still concats me but now he doesn’t, is it hopeless? Can i still get him back?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 9, 2019 at 4:40 pm

      Hi Audrey so it sounds like you have blown hot and cold too many times so what you need to do is complete a proper No Contact for 30 days minimum but the more times you break it the less effective it is. So stick with it this time. Then reach out to him as a friend and start rebuilding your connection slowly

  4. Avatar

    Remy

    December 3, 2019 at 6:39 am

    Hi. So I have had a problem where I tend to “freak out” on my ex as he says it. I have anxiety and especially when it comes to him not wanting to take another chance with me I get major panic attacks. Usually in those moments I tend to text a lot or call and try to get any response if he stops responding. Or yelling and getting more angry than I should in person. Which the last two cases have lead to me getting blocked. I have already done the no contact rule once. Sent the letter and got a positive response. Talked a small amount went out with him one night and he wanted to get back together right away. Then decided he wanted to focuse on himself. Then wanted to be with me again but this time he tested me. He told me the girl he was talking to asked him out and they are together now and wants me to respect that. Up till then I was doing good on the not arguing and not freaking out. But then I completely lost my composure and went into a full blown panic attack. I asked a crap ton of questions and kept pushing about stuff then he told me it was just a test and we argued. And then he stopped answering me. The next day I tried to get him to answer. Many texts, a couple of calls, even used my old Instagram account to try to reach out to him. He blocked me on everything about 2 days ago. I honestly don’t know what to do from here. I told myself and him that I would stop acting like that. I don’t like when I do it either, just as much if not more than him. But idk when I should try to contact him again and what to say where I already used the elephant in the room letter. Where I’m blocked i know I’ll have to do another letter but I’m afraid hell just toss it out and say yeah you’ve said that before. I just don’t know where to go from this point. Please help, I’m so afraid I’ve completely messed everything up and have absolutely no chance now…

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 6, 2019 at 7:30 pm

      Hi Remy, so I advise that you do NOT send a letter this time, I suggest that you actually leave him alone and take some real time in No Contact where you work on yourself, because sadly it seems you have not done so. You need to learn how to control your emotions, and learn how to work through panic attacks, there is help with this so going to speak to your doctor about how the attacks come on and they should refer you to someone who can teach you to not let it take over. While you do not take REAL action to change this behavior I’m afraid you won’t get your ex back and you will do this to the next person you meet too as you are not working through your emotional issues.

  5. Avatar

    Donnah

    December 2, 2019 at 9:11 am

    Hi Chris, I have been in a relationship with this guy for about 6 years. In the first 3 years, we were all over each other and then we started getting differences, he told me he a kid and he’s a moslem.i started losing interest but I loved him cause he’s a good guy and he respected me. He were still looking our ways of making a living, I had just finished compas trying to look for a job and I started giving him less time, so recently he came to and told me he’s been seeing someone that beaches I wasn’t giving him time, I told me he was sorry but it seemed he wasn’t really sorry cause after telling me, I needed my time a lone to process all the information, in that period he went back to that girl when I confronted him, he told me he has lost Interest in me , that we should break up. Actually he wanted us to stay friends. I also told him to that’s break up and stop talking also. But deep down am hurt, I miss him, I fell like am losing vthe love if my life, I feel he’s lost. Do you think the no contact rule will make realize his mistakes and comes back to me? Cause even when he was cheating, he never stopped telling me how he was going to marry me

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 4, 2019 at 9:29 pm

      Hi Doonah, stick to No Contact and take some time for yourself and think about if you can trust him and see a future with him after cheating. If you can then you need to read about being ungettable and the being there method

  6. Avatar

    Leah

    November 28, 2019 at 8:44 pm

    Hey Chris I dunno if you can help me but I’ve been broken up from my partner for 8 months we’ve kept in contact because of our child and have tried on few occasions to make us work and his always like this isn’t going to work after like a week but this time we lasted a month and now his telling me he needs to focus on himself so I suggested the no contact rule and he agreed but am I to late to save our relationship after 3 1/2 years and 4/5 months of being engaged?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 28, 2019 at 9:11 pm

      Hi Leah, so it isnt too late to give this a go but you are going to have to be so strong and strict with yourself keeping to No Contact (limited where you are allowed to discuss your child if it is about shared responsibilities etc) You need to do some work to show him how you are still the woman he fell for and that you are also not sat on the sidelines waiting for him. Which at this point he knows he can have you back anytime he wants from you asking him to try to make it work a few times. So read up on this website about the program and how to follow it. There are also articles when you share a child here too that can be helpful

  7. Avatar

    Sandy

    November 22, 2019 at 2:24 am

    Hey Chris. I read so many of your articles and watched your videos, I hope I can get a response on here. My ex and I are both in our 40‘s. We only dated 4 weeks. We had an instant connection and he wanted to be in a relationship after only 2 weeks. He said he was falling for me (which- according to him never happens. He is the typical bachelor). Shortly after he became very jealous for no reason. We talked about it and everything seemed fine but he stopped making me a priority. After I „complained“ about it, he gave me the silent treatment and I broke up with him, sending him a friendly text, explaining what I wanted from a relationship and that I didn’t think he was ready for it. He didn’t respond. After 10 days I asked for my stuff back. He said he would get back to me but he never did. I’m not sure what to do. You mentioned that the „dumper“ shouldn’t do NC. Do I even have a chance to get him back after only dating him for a few weeks? Thank you for your help!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 24, 2019 at 12:03 am

      Hey Sandy you will definitely give yourself your best chance if you follow the program even though you only dated for a few weeks it just means your no contact only needs to be 21 days and you can reach out as a friend first and try to rebuild your connection with your ex. Good Luck

  8. Avatar

    Kassandra

    November 21, 2019 at 9:25 pm

    A long-distance thing developed when I reconnected with an old friend this summer. We realised we had secret/repressed crushes on each other many years ago when we were at university together. I think that’s why very intense feelings developed very quickly this summer. We live in different European countries. By coincidence I was supposed to visit his country for a business trip this autumn. The plan was to meet and potentially start something. About 6 weeks before we were supposed to meet, he “broke things off” with me. His reason was that things developed too quickly and that he was confused. He didn’t want to put our friendship at risk by being intimate with me. But two days before the break up, both of us confirmed that things were getting more serious than we intended. We were texting each other, so I am not imagining this. With the break up, I asked him if he wanted some distance and if we should have no contact for a while. He didn’t want to have no contact with me and insisted that he still wanted to see me as we had planned, but only as friends. We kept in contact. Three weeks after he “broke up” with me, I asked him why he’d become so distant if we’re still friends. I was continuing the chattiness as we had it before because this is what he said he wanted. He replied saying that all of his feelings for me were gone; this is 3 weeks post-break up. I found it hard to believe that such a deep connection was suddenly gone. I asked him again if he wanted distance and he said no – we’re just friends, we should keep texting and he still wanted to meet me.
    Two weeks later, I did something really stupid. I wrote a message to say that I couldn’t be friends with him after what happened this summer. I told him that I’d unfriend/unfollow everything on social media. I bid him farewell. I regretted it immediately. I frantically re-established contact and wrote him an email saying that I made a big mistake. I think when he saw my farewell message, he blocked me on WhatsApp and social media (because I asked him to do it for us, but then I did it!). But then he replied to my email a couple of hours after. He sounded upset and angry, which is understandable. He said he needed some distance and that he’d get to me when he’s ready. I replied the next morning saying I’d wait for him. Then, when the date we were supposed to meet finally approached, I broke the no contact rule (did I?) and emailed him to ask if he’d still like to meet because I was travelling to his country. I said I’d like to honour our meeting because even he said post-break up he wanted to see me. I suggested we should just we meet for dinner, talk and try to move on from what happened this summer. He replied to my email, sounding like his old self again. But he was quite vague, saying we’d not meet this time around and repeated that he’d write to me. I’m really worried because he hasn’t unblocked me on social media yet. It’s clear he needs to limit our contact now. We can only email each other now.
    My problem is that I don’t believe his feelings suddenly vanished a few weeks before we were supposed to meet. We were so excited to finally see each other and a very deep connection developed between us this summer, all based on our long-standing friendship. I’m trying very hard to believe him when he says he feels nothing for me because I’d like to take what he says for face value and move on. It’s just difficult if my intuition tells me otherwise. None of my friends – male or female – think that his story makes sense. I don’t understand why he needs so much distance now if he knows that he is the one that initially broke my heart.
    What do I do now? It’s now been a month since I did that stupid thing of cutting ties with him. I’d like to trust that he’ll write to me and hopefully soon. He repeated himself with the same wording that he’d get back to me. Knowing him, he’d usually follow through with something like this. But I’m insecure and I’m scared, and I worry that he’ll never write back to me. I don’t want it to be over between us and I don’t want our friendship to be over either. I’ve known him for 20 years and I am scared that this is the end.
    We realised this summer that we’re very invested in each other and that a lot of feelings were dormant for many years. What can I do to get him back? I have the feeling there’s still something between us we could save.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 24, 2019 at 6:33 pm

      Hi Kassandra, so the way to get him back, or at least give yourself your best chance is learning how the process works and following it. Look up posts about being Ungettable and what the No Contact Rule is

  9. Avatar

    Elly

    November 15, 2019 at 5:17 am

    My bf broke up with me a month ago wants to be alone and focus on his young kids but he keeps the communication open and actually said “we’re going through this together” so we never lost contact most of the time his the 1st to text and he updates me on the kids which I got attached so much but I want to try this NC rule on him, will it work for him to realize what he really wants?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 18, 2019 at 7:43 pm

      Hi Elly, yes it will do the world of good in your situation as the reality is you are not going through this together! You are just helping get on with the situation to feel better. NC him and let him feel the loss of you as you are not going to be able to be his support and his friend if you want to be back with him. Good Luck

  10. Avatar

    Anne

    November 7, 2019 at 4:04 am

    Hi Chris,
    So my boyfriend ended our year and a half relationship suddenly a few days ago. I am trying to figure out how to go about the NC and feel as if the situation falls within a few of the categories you mention in this article. During the relationship we minimally fight over the course of our 5 year friendship and 1.5 year relationship, and this is the first time we’ve broken up (also the first time he has ever mentioned that he wasn’t fully happy during the relationship), but he did mention one of his reasons for wanting to end it was that I liked to talk to him more than he did (I like to talk every day and he rather talk every other day since he hates texting), so I feel like I should also give him space. We are/were long distance and we would see each other in person every other weekend. I also feel like he will most likely not message me first since he is more of a passive person and I ended the final conversation saying we needed to spend time thinking about what it {the breakup} could mean, so he might just wait until I say I’m ready to talk. In this type of situation would you still recommend 30 days? And would you recommend me reaching out to him if he does not at the end of it? Thanks!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 8, 2019 at 10:41 pm

      Hi Anne yes still do the 30 days NC and when it is over you reach out to him asking for advice on a subject you know he is interested in to get him talkingto you again. This conversation needs to be short and polite it is only opening the window for communication again. Then a few days later you can reach out again short and positive agian and so on until you are talking regularly

  11. Avatar

    Becky

    October 29, 2019 at 6:31 pm

    Hi Chris,
    Here is my situation. My now ex-boyfriend broke up with me a about 5 weeks ago, however we still live together. We were together for 2 1/2 years and lived together 1 1/2 years. I moved 400 miles away to be with him. He says he still loves me and doesnt want this to happen but feels it’s best for both of us due to the amount of fights we have had. He has also said that he is not saying no to getting back together in the future. We briefly spoke about getting some counseling after we get some space a couple weeks ago and he said he would be willing to do so but has not brought anything up since. I am doing my best to stay away and give him some space (no contact while living together) however he seems to be becoming more and more distant and also more angry. His actions are telling me that he really doesnt want this to happen and is trying to force himself to believe this is the right thing for us. I am moving into my own place in a little over 2 weeks which would make 2 months since we broke up. My question is, once I move out do I go no contact again? And if so for how long? We see each other every day but rarely speak currently. If we do it’s very short and to the point. I’m concerned that once I leave the house the time frames for another 30 days no contact will be way too long. I have already made huge strides in correcting the things about myself that he said I need to work on and I think he can see these changes already. I’m just a little confused on what to do once I move out. No contact? Limited contact?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 30, 2019 at 1:16 pm

      Hi Becky, so I would add another 21 days – it is a long time but it does give him the chance to miss you when you are gone, I would maybe leave some prints of counselling out on a table or something to show you are making changes but DO NOT TELL HIM just leave them somewhere (table, coffee table) so he will notice that you are working on yourself even if you dont go to therapy it shows change. The fighting you need to find the source of them, why is it that you’ve come to the point or always arguing?

  12. Avatar

    Samantha

    October 7, 2019 at 5:02 am

    Hi Chris,
    My ex boyfriend and I broke up a couple times in the past. One of the times we broke up, I got with someone else as a rebound. He was a friend in college and he was the reason my ex broke up with me in the first place. After about 3 months my ex came back to me and asked me if anything happened while we were broken up and I lied about it. We were dating for about year after that break up and the truth came out. My ex told me he couldn’t date me anymore or stand the fact that I was with someone else (he’s categorizing it as cheating because he told me to stay away from the guy even though we were broken up) he also couldn’t stand that I lied to him for so long. I moved a couple hours away from him in the past year we made it work, always visiting each other and talking every day. We did have our fights but overall we had a great connection, and relationship. It truly felt like we were best friends. I lived with him for the summer, that ended abruptly when he found out. I was and still am very close to his whole family. His mom, brother and cousin still check up on me. Anyways, after he told me I couldn’t stay with him I was staying with my friend for a week and for the first couple days my ex and I were texting as if we were still dating, we saw each other a couple times and hooked up. He was telling me he needed space to see if he could get over it but was still talking to me, calling me hun, babe, etc. then I went out one night with my friends (he’s 19 and I’m 22 and he always hated when I went out) and he didn’t text me for the whole night and the next day he sent me a long paragraph saying how he couldn’t do it anymore. I called him up and we were screaming over the phone at each other and he hung up. We continued texting until he blocked my number. Then I was texting him from texting apps and when he calmed down he unblocked me, for almost a month I was texting him everyday, begging him, telling him the steps I’m taking into changing (I started talking to a therapist, he suggested it) and he just didn’t seem to care. He would always come back with degrading comments and names. I blew up his phone and kept asking him questions like “does it bother you that I keep texting you?” He would say no it doesn’t bother him but on the other hand he would tell me to give him space, but make it seem hopeful that he’ll get over what happened. Then he sent me a text saying he’ll never get over it and he needs to get over this painful part of his life and move on. I have been using the no contact rule but only for 4 days and I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do in this situation, is the space going to confirm his decision because of what happened when we were broken up the last time? I reassured him nothing was going to happen for a very long time but he doesn’t believe me because I lied to him. We also shared a netflix account and he said he was okay with me using it, then when I stopped talking to him for the 4 days he changed the password. Idk if that’s something or I’m just thinking too deep into it. Sorry this is so long, and I appreciate everything you put out there, it’s the reason why I decided to start the no contact rule in the first place, your advice is comforting as well. Thank you for taking the time to read my situation!!!

  13. Avatar

    Jennifer

    October 4, 2019 at 8:07 pm

    Hello! My ex boyfriend and I were together for 13 years (15-28) and we live together. We’ve had break ups before but the most recent one was last year. Now we’re in another one and it worries me that it is so close together!

    He broke up with continued problems from the last break up and feels there is a better fit for us. Said he loves me and could continue but cant because it’s unfair to the relationship when he feels there’s something missing. He enjoys doing creative things and i think he wants someone who will work beside him. This is so important to him because it’s his passion and future career. I enjoy being creative but stride differently. He also said he does not want to date yet but wants us to work on ourselves. But thid could lead to dating others like before and I cant help but think and prepare for this.

    We’ve been living together for about a year now (he moved in during the last break up and stayed after) and our relationship was mainly good aside from my own problems of not letting go of the past. I should of looked at thr break up more positively and kept it in the past. I would have fits and make him feel lonely in the relationship. He was very good to me and was incredibly sweet.. we even talked about kids! (This was never an easy topic for him, so that’s huge.)

    He gave me confusing signs during this break up… we held hands, cuddled and had sex once, we also slept beside each other. I cried and cried, and pushed to keep talking time after time. Basically pleaded and tried to tell him why we’re good together, tried to hear him tell me something that resonated with “I love you”. I couldnt handle it and freaked out and broke trust, by looking through his phone to find nothing. This resulted in him moving to the couch. So i changed and kept distance for a few days and also stopped hugging him before work, doing certain household chores that dont benefit me (his dishes, his work clothes, cooking for him and packing lunches), not replying right away through messages, avoiding his playful nature that result is horse play or chasing around the house but we still eat together in the living room and draw together. I’ve talked on my own more than i should last night but if i keep it to a minimum… would this be the right approach? None of my friends have had a relationship like we have and we’re not able to live seperately so i want to make a difference by cherishing what i have instead of being upset for what was lost. To show him i’m capable of change but also doing things i said earlier and getting out of the house more often.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 4, 2019 at 9:47 pm

      Hi Jennifer, so you need to work on re attracting him – doing this by being secure and confident again. Easy to be around and being the best version of yourself or “ungettable”. But while living together you need to do a Limited NC for a short time. You can’t be his friend if you want him back as a boyfriend.

  14. Avatar

    Izzy

    September 24, 2019 at 8:38 pm

    Hi guys, so its been a few weeks since my ex and I broke up. He kind of called the shots? But not really? We were fantastic, everything about us meshed perfectly, then I got a weird vibe from him one day. I asked about it and all i got was an “I don’t know how I’m feeling about us”. He recently started college (we broke up like.. 2 weeks into the year. He said that he was having a just having a hard time balancing school and a relationship. So of course, me being me and worrying about his feelings over mine and not wanting to keep him in anything he was unhappy with, I told him that I respected his decision. He said he wanted to end on good terms and stay friends. That was September 6th of this year. Through my wallowing, I starting being more active on social media… posting stories and pictures and what not. One day (last week or so) I noticed that he IS CONSTANTLY one of the first 3 people to look at everything. I want him back . Even though I keep telling myself I don’t, I know I do. I loved his family and I really adored him (right down to how I witnessed someone change an insulin pimp for the first time ever.) We’d only been dating for a few months though… I’ve started conversation a few times. He always responds within minutes. But he never initiates. Im confused as I’m sure this entire paragraph is. I guess I’m just calling for an SOS? A flare in the middle of the night? Is the No Contact method a good idea? Should I keep posting on my social medias to keep his attention?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 26, 2019 at 9:25 pm

      Hey Izzy, so YES to the NC because you need to create some mystery about yourself, working on being UG and also YES keep posting great things to social media showing how amazing your life is and all the fun things you’ve been doing recently.

  15. Avatar

    Mia

    September 12, 2019 at 11:34 pm

    Hi Chris, my ex boyfriend broke up with me late last night over text. He mentioned it a day before at possibly being friends for the time being due to his life becoming overwhelmingly stressful with his family and son. I ended up basically begging him to change his mind and talk to me in person about it as he’d previously stated that we had a lot to talk about….but instead he reiterated his decision and blocked me on snapchat. He has not however blocked me anywhere else as I texted him this morning (no response). For context my ex has been dealing with a lot of terrible things for the majority of our relationship (4 months) but I’ve stood by him and helped him with a lot and he’d constantly tell me how thankful he was to have me during these times. However the past 5 or so days he’s changed, I don’t really know what happened but he began to distance himself to the point where he’d open my messages and not respond. I of course being worried would text and try and call him to see what’s wrong…but to no avail. He tends to distance himself from people when he becomes overwhelmed but we’d talked about this previously and he was trying to stop. During the relationship we rarely fought and were very much into each other, albeit a little jealousy here and there but a healthy loving relationship. I’m really afraid of losing him and want him to work on himself and work on the more important things (as he stated ANY type of relationship is not a priority right now), which I’m trying to respect. I just wish he’d let me help him…he’s grown sort of cold and distant to my advances…I don’t know if I should proceed with the no contact rule or what as we broke up mostly due to his stress level and other minor fixable issues. Just two weeks ago he was telling me how he saw a future with me, so for this to sort of happen out of the blue is just nerve wrecking and makes me wonder just how bad his stress level was getting.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 15, 2019 at 12:52 am

      Hey Mia, yes stick to your No Contact, even though there are reason. Give it time and focus on you during your no contact.

  16. Avatar

    Oviya

    September 12, 2019 at 1:29 pm

    Hi Chris, pls guide me on ur suitable program and help me understand this.
    we r frm different country and LDR. He is unable to forget his online ex gf of 2 yrs, who he hasn’t met ever and lives in different city. she has rejected him for marriage citing her parents not agreeing. she refused to meet him directly Whn he travelled to her city to meet her.she gave excuses & remain a mystery. She shares pictures in Whtsapp & chats wt him so he has deep feelings for her though She’s cold in her communication & clear tht nothing going on btw them.
    He slowly moved away frm her & got close to me online but propose few times but we age issues. I visited him 3 times in 5 months & got close physically & emotionally. The entire family loves me & wants me to marry him. He’s 38 & I’m 43 and his family wants him to settle soon & they told him to let go of that non existence ex gf occupying his mind.
    In July he proposed marriage.After accepting the proposal,he wrote to me saying he can’t go on as he is unable to forget her, don’t love me, if he marry it’s only for marriage sake and he decided not to get married at all ! I was hurt,angry and sad. I knew he had loved me some point & had feelings but it’s not enough to marry because he might have to cut ties wt her & he’s not ready to do tht so I sent him nasty messages for leading me on & hurting me badly and blocked him in WhatsApp. That was 2 weeks ago. I heard frm his cousin,he cried saying he made mistake by flirting & coming into my life bcoz he don’t love me fully & he knows im angry & blocked him & in few months I’ll forget him and get a new person.. ! is this a good sign ? I want him badly and can’t forget him .. do you think I should unblock the WhatsApp but do NC or continue NC while still blocking him.

    1. Shaunna

      Shaunna

      September 12, 2019 at 7:39 pm

      Hi Oviya, I would unblock but stick to your NC until finihsed

  17. Avatar

    Amina

    September 12, 2019 at 12:49 pm

    Hi Chris, my best friend and I decided to take a step forward and start a relationship. At first it was long distance (coast to coast) but then I moved closer due to work transfer but still, we are about 1.5-2 hours away. It was a great 10 months until he started to pull back and I thought he needed space so I gave him 1 week space of no contact thinking it would do him good since he didn’t answer my call but he broke up with me last weekend. I was blindsided by it all and none of the reasons seem real, just excuses really (I’m not a good bf, you deserve better, I don’t know what I want right now etc) This is the first break up, I haven’t seen another situation where couples were bffs first and became a couple on the site so I wanted to know if the NC should be implemented bc I’ve already started and on day 4. We already said ILY, and he said he wants to still keep in contact and be friends and believe if we were meant to be we will be together again. Within the 10 months we never really fought and if we did it was resolved within 24 hours or within 1-3 hours. Definitely not toxic and we are the opposite sex of each other. I still want him in my life because I still see us growing old together, build a life together as supporting professionals and as partners. Please help! Thank you.

    1. Shaunna

      Shaunna

      September 12, 2019 at 7:43 pm

      Hi Amina, best thing to do is start your NC and let him see what life is like without you. If you want him back as a boyfriend, you can not be his friend right now. Read up on material about NC and being ungettable

  18. Avatar

    Molly

    September 6, 2019 at 5:27 am

    Hi Chris, thanks for all this great info! I’m planning to buy your ebook shortly — wondering if it covers a situation like this?

    We were together for almost 9 years, and he broke up with me 3 weeks ago (no clear reasons – I suspect loss of attraction, plus attachment style conflict – and he revealed he has feelings for a friend) but maintains he has love for me, cares, and wants me in his life (I’m also very connected to his extended family and their kids, so it’s very important to me to keep those lines open). We always got along well and lived together for 5 years, and this is the first time we’ve separated. I’m still in love with him and saw a healthy future for us if we both did the work.

    I tried to reason and beg on the first two days, then stopped. He has been pleasant and supportive since, and we caught up in a group and he was friendly and engaged with me. Since then, I saw something online which indicates his connection with this other girl is continuing. In anger, I lashed out at him over text (it was on our would-be anniversary, emotions were heightened). I later briefly apologised and said he won’t hear from me for a little while (this is Brad Browning’s clean slate idea).

    Reading your blog now — I see points for NOT doing no contact and some reasons to go ahead with it. I suspect I should commit to NC if he’s emotionally involved with another girl… but if she wasn’t in the picture, I’d think that I shouldn’t in case of it backfiring. Confusing!

    Is there anything else I need to consider, or it is covered in the e-book?

    Thanks so much for yours and your team’s work.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 6, 2019 at 6:51 pm

      Hi Molly…I think the best course of action is to employ No Contact in the way I describe in my Program. It can potentially help with not just creating attraction and making him appreciate more your value, but also with your healing and recovery and personal growth. My “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro Bundle” really has a lot of resources that should help you with optimizing your chances and also feeling better about things.

  19. Avatar

    Amber

    September 4, 2019 at 2:27 pm

    Hi Chris,

    My ex and I have been together for 3 years. We never Last month he broke up with me to be with one of his friends. Our break up wasn’t too bad. He said he loved me and still cared about me and he told me h

  20. Avatar

    Amber

    September 4, 2019 at 2:01 pm

    Hi Chris,

    My ex and I have been together for 3 years. We never fought and he said he was very happy in our relationship. Exactly one month ago he broke up with me to be with one of his friends. Our break up wasn’t too bad but i still want him back. When he broke up with me, he said he loved me and still cared about me and he told me he still wanted me to be in his life (as a friend). He and this girl are now together but he has been texting me a few times a week and he still has our pictures on his instagram. I just find it hard to believe he moved on so quickly.
    I decided to try out the no contact rule and i’m now on day 6. He texted me once in those 6 days but i didn’t open the message.
    Do you think no contact will help here or will it just push him into the other girl’s arms?

    Thank you!
    – Amber

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