Ah, the no contact rule!  When to use it.  When not to use it. And how to use it!  That last one is probably the most important thing you need to learn.

Quite frankly, for some situations, when the no contact rule doesn’t work, it’s because how it was used.

Did you know that the NC principle is looked at as a religion here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.  And this is mainly because when you use the No Contact Rule correctly on your ex boyfriend, the results can be amazing for the two of you, particularly for your emotional health.

But there are times when you should NOT use the no contact rule on your boyfriend and if you don’t heed my advice, you may end up causing more damage to the already struggling relationship.

Today we are going to explore why the No Contact Rule does not work for some people and when it does work, what are the necessary conditions that should be in place.

We are also going to take a look at when the no contact rule backfires, how you should handle it. It doesn’t usually happen, but when the NC rule fails, you need to ask yourself why and what you expected to get out of it.

In my book, the No Contact Rule seldom fails if you think about how it can benefit you in so many ways.  Remember, it not just about getting your ex boyfriend back.  NC plays a huge role in you getting back your confidence, self-esteem, and sense of dignity.  Never forget that a big component of this principle is your self recovery!

Should You Use The No Contact Rule or Should You Avoid It Like A Plague!

If you take some time to look around the site you will notice that every single article I have written that is based on the no contact rule has hundreds (and sometimes thousands) of comments from women.  And many of these ladies are interested in the “how long” question.

The timing of when you should apply the No Contact Rule for your situation is critical.  How long you do it for and whether you can end it sooner than planned are very popular questions.

Often times the comments go something like this:

“Chris, my ex and I broke up last month.  Is it still too late to do the no contact rule?”


“Chris, I am trying out the no contact rule but his birthday falls on that date. Am I allowed to wish him a happy birthday.  Does that mean I need to end NC, then start it up again?”

or my personal favorite:

“Can you tell me what dictates “breaking” the no contact rule. I think I may have broken it…”

Guess what? If you are asking that then you probably did break it!

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7 Situations When You Probably Shouldn’t Use the No Contact Rule on Your Ex Boyfriend

So let’s start first with when you really shouldn’t even try using the NC rule.  In fact, it is really less of a rule and more of principle and sometimes it just doesn’t make sense to use this strategy on your ex boyfriend.  So let’s discuss seven situations where you should think twice before instituting this concept.

1. The Relationship With Your Ex Boyfriend Has Been Very Lengthy and Successful

When you and your ex have a long history together and you both have been happy with each other, with minimal fights, that would suggest you both have put down some powerful relationship roots.  Sure, you might need some space from each other.  That approach could be very beneficial.  But if you were to implement No Contact fully, it is bound to backfire.

2. You Are Living Together and Have a Child

One of the most challenging things in life is raising a child together at the same time you are trying to work through relationship conflicts.  So it is understandable if couples have problems that get magnified because of the stresses in their life.  Often these spats and temporary breakups have a very short life.  Using the No Contact rule requires evaluating the full scope of what has happened in the past and present and the couple’s prospects for the future.  If you have a kid together, I would caution you about doing anything that will create more division.  Keeping the communication channel open (even if its limited) is often the best strategy.

3. It Is Your First Breakup With This Guy

Once again, it is important to get a full read of the relationship landscape with your ex boyfriend before you decide to ghost him or just do a radio silence number on him.  If this is the first breakup test for the relationship, then you should err on the side of avoiding initiating the No Contact Rule.  Whatever led to the collapse of your connection may not be serious enough to go this route.  The NC rule is often best used in very toxic situations and unless this falling out has gotten real ugly, just keep this tactic in your pocket.  You can always deploy it later if communications are not re-established and things are worsening.

4. Don’t Use No Contact If You are Acting out of Anger

Make no mistake, when you and your boyfriend split up, you are likely going to be mad, possibly really angry.  You may feel so bitter that you will immediately seek for a way to teach him a lesson.  So what better lesson can you teach your “good for nothing” ex than just never speaking with him again, ever.  This is what anger can do to us.  It can cause us to to say and do very stupid things.  So don’t make a decision as important as this out of passion.  It seldom leads anywhere good.

5. Don’t Allow Your Impulsive Nature Cut Your Ex Boyfriend Completely Out of Your Life

When we are upset, we do things impulsively and if your ex bf has disappointed you, there may be a part of you that wants nothing to do with him.  You may immediately come to believe that he is not worth having around so cutting your ex out may come easy at first.  So when the no contact rule doesn’t work because you were impulsive, don’t be surprised because you are doing it for the wrong reasons and in the wrong way.

6. If You Initiated The Breakup With You Ex, Think Twice About Using No Contact

While the NC rule has great applicability to many situations, it is probably gets the least results when you are the one that initiated the breakup and dumped your ex boyfriend.  He already feels rejected and signing up for a long period of no communications of any kind with him is likely not going to help your cause.  This is very much the case if you are sure you want him back.   Now if you left him because things were toxic, then putting some space and distance between the two of you may be called for.  But never think that no contact should always immediately follow a breakup.  It may not be called for at all or a form of limited contact may be in order.

7. If You Are Uncertain and Have Serious Doubts About The Breakup, Then Take A Time Out

It may be that you are really unsure about what has transpired.  Both you and your ex bf may be seriously questioning whether this breakup is the real deal.  Maybe you just needed a day or two to emotionally reset.  Sometimes, just giving each other some space for a few days, then slowly resuming contact is a wiser course of action.


10 Situations Where Using the No Contact Rule Makes A lot of Sense

Let’s now talk about those cases in which it makes a lot of sense to seriously consider implementing the NC rule.   So while not every one of these situations will necessarily result in the you implementing the principle, more often that not, it will do you good in these situations.

  1. Your ex boyfriend left you and made it clear it was over and claims he doesn’t want to see you again.
  2. You discovered that your ex bf was cheating on you.
  3. The relationship with your boyfriend has been toxic in many ways and this has been going on for several months.
  4. You and your boyfriend have experienced a series of breakups and the relationships seems to be getting worse.
  5. Your ex has been emotionally abusive and then dumped you in the cruelest way.
  6. You feel very unhappy and have yet to recover from the pain of the breakup and your ex bf has given you zero support.
  7. Its been a few weeks already with no sign of your ex boyfriend showing any interest in you.
  8. You find yourself in a cycle of constantly texting him and he has yet to respond to any of your texts.
  9. Your boyfriend has specifically asked you that he needs space and has shown signs of pulling away from the relationship.
  10.  You boyfriend did something from each of the above, in which case go directly into NC and forget about him.

Dispelling 5 Top Myths About Using the No Contact Rule

For all the years I have been doing this, I have had to dispel a lot of rumors about the No Contact Rule and what it is used for and how it works and what it can and can’t do for you.  So let’s talk about the top 5 myths surrounding the NC rule.

1. It Always Works

While implementing this principle can do so many positive things for you, it cannot guarantee your ex boyfriend will come running back to you.  First of all, it’s hard to implement, so while the idea of the concept is solid, it is not easy for people to follow its guidelines perfectly. And even it you did everything right, making all the right decisions along the way, you can still be left wondering what happened with what you thought was the dream man for your life.

2. The No Contact Rule Is All About Getting Your Ex To Come Back To You

This may be one of the biggest myths of them all.  It turns out, using NC rule to get him back is probably the least impactful thing about this principle.  The part that I believe can have positive life changing consequences is the self recovery process.  Learning more about who you are and what you want and picking yourself up and loving yourself fully and becoming the Ungettable Girl…these are just a few of the self recovery aspects associated with the No Contact Rule.

3. It Always Makes Him Miss You

While it certainly can make your man miss you and think about you constantly, it is not solely designed to do this.  And sometimes, it falls short of this expectation.  Instead of missing you, your ex could be out there just partying it up.  And the more he feels ignored, the more he is going to show you how he doesn’t need you.  This can happen, though it is not often that men behave in this way.  Indeed, if your ex boyfriend is incapable of truly missing you, then it shows he either doesn’t value you or is just a rotten kind of guy.

4. Once You Start It You Can’t Break It

This is of course is a big fallacy.  The way I see it, the no contact rule is best employed when it can be adapted for each individual situation.  Sometimes it works to modify your approach, breaking your code of silence, if the right circumstances present themselves.  I discuss this at length in my ebook The No Contact Rule Book!

5.  It Has To Be 30 Days Long

No it doesn’t.  Your No Contact period can be any number of days, though I have found the best results when it runs 21 to 45 days.  But there have been times when I recommended 14 days or just get away from each other for a few days.  So there is no magic number that you must adhere to at all costs.

Why Is This NC Rule So Confusing and Complicated!

The no contact rule is a relatively simple idea at first, but gets progressively more complex as you peel the layers back.

For example, the general premise of the no contact rule states that you are supposed to ignore an ex in just about every way for 21-45 days straight.

(Note: The length of the no contact rule can be modified, but I like to recommend a 30 day rule for most folks!)

It’s a simple idea, right?

I mean, you just carve out a block of time and ignore him.

Simple as that!

Umm…. actually it’s not that easy.

What if you find yourself in the following situations?

  • You Live With An Ex
  • You Go To Work or School With Him
  • You Share Children Together
  • HE Becomes A Text Gnat And Seems Unstable
  • He Wants To Pick Up His Things (Or You Need To From Him)

All of a sudden this really easy idea becomes quite complicated.

So what I am going to do next is teach you exactly what to do in all of the above situations.

Hint Hint… You cannot always do a strict no contact rule.

8 Must Know Rules Of Using No Contact Rule In The Proper Way

grammatical errors

When I first started Ex Boyfriend Recovery I was very cerebral in my thinking.

In other words, I was book smart but I wasn’t street smart.

As a result, the advice I gave women was good, but it could have been better as I hadn’t seen enough cases to evaluate all the possibilities. Now that I am several years into dealing with breakups, I can honestly say that the advice I offer now isn’t only better but it’s more complete and informative.

You often hear the ex recovery experts out there preach the strictness that goes along with the no contact rule.

What do I mean by that?

“Make sure you DO NOT break the no contact rule under any circumstances.”

I was actually guilty of this in the very early days.

Well, I will say this about my advice in those instances.

I was mostly right, but not right along the margins.

There are some instances where holding true to the no contact rule is a bad idea. In other words, you have to bend the no contact rule a little bit to suit your needs.

1. Recognize There Are Complexities In Getting An Ex Back


How often have you heard me say this phrase?

“No two “ex” situations are alike.”

There has probably never been a truer phrase that I have muttered in my time on this earth than that phrase above.

In all my years doing this the one big epiphany I have had is that every situation I encounter is unique and may require different tactics to succeed. Heck, there are some situations that are doomed to fail no matter what you do.

This upsets me because I honestly just want to help everyone who needs it and the thought that I might fail you at times is disheartening.

So, I guess I am fighting a losing battle in that sense since this is such a complex process.

Nevertheless, I am all about improving YOUR odds so you can succeed in the end and I intend on searching for answers for the rest of my life if I have to, to improve your odds dramatically.

Here is what I have picked up in my “journey” so far.

Getting an ex boyfriend back is one of the most challenging processes and is reliant on many factors that are difficult to predict.

You are attempting to do one of the more difficult things on earth!

Changing a man’s mind that is already made up.

And the no contact rule may be the best ammunition you have for this fight. So what happens when you are faced with a situation where you can’t do the no contact rule or you are not sure how it will work in your situation?

Do you just give up?

I think not.  You recognize the challenge and roll up your sleeves and get the best information available and get to work.

2. The Secret To Making No Contact Work Is About Adaptation and Perseverance


If you want to persevere with the no contact rule in a situation where it looks like you won’t get far, then you have to be willing to adapt.

You see, adaptation is your key to success.

It is the thing that sets the unsuccessful women apart from those ladies who are able to rebuild the connection with their ex boyfriend.

Well, that and the fact that the women who actually listen to my advice always seem to do better in the end as well!

Below I have compiled a list of the most common situations where no contact seems impossible,

  • You Live With An Ex
  • You Go To Work or School With Him
  • You Share Children Together
  • HE Becomes A Text Gnat And Seems Unstable
  • He Wants To Pick Up His Things (Or You Need To From Him)

Most women who are faced with these situations fail because they think that utilizing the no contact rule is impossible. What they fail to realize is that this concept is not impossible.  Indeed, it is almost necessary for most given its many benefits. It just simply requires a few adaptations for some.

So, what I am going to do for you is go through each of these situations one by one and explain the adaptations, alterations and tweaks that I recommend for each situation.

Sound like a plan?

Good, because that leads to our 3rd must know lesson!

3. How To Handle NC When You Live With Your Ex Boyfriend

cat dog

It’s kind of hard to implement not talking, texting, or communicating in any way with your ex if  your significant other lives with you.

So, rather than admitting defeat and just scrapping the no contact rule you should abide by the follow rules if you find yourself in this situation,

  • Don’t initiate any conversations unless absolutely necessary
  • If he instigates a conversation about your job or some other topic, just be somewhat pleasant, but don’t  linger in a conversation too long.
  • Any chance you get you should end the conversation, particularly if he started it.  Don’t do it abruptly, just fade out of the convo.

What is the point of doing this?

He needs to feel like there is a definite difference between the normal you that he is so used to and the post breakup you.

Now, you may be wondering where I came up with these rules.

Well, the truth is that I came up with them as a result of my wife.

Allow me to explain.

Obviously my wife and I live together, so we have become pretty used to each other.

We both know what each other is like when we are in good moods, bad moods and eh moods.

If I notice that my wife is really quiet or non responsive,then I immediately think to myself:

“I wonder what’s wrong?”

It is at this point that I pry and probe:

“Hey, is everything ok?”

Usually I will get a candid sounding response like:

“Yup, everything is fine.”

Now, do I believe her?



Because I am used to her normal behavior and her normal behavior isn’t quiet and distant.  Rather it’s bubbly and talkative.

So, what do you think I do next?

Well, much to her annoyance I try to start fixing a problem that I have no knowledge of. This puts me in a position where I am chasing her trying to gain her approval. It is a position that many of the women on this site would love to see their ex boyfriends do.

This is why, when you live with your ex, you need to show them  that things aren’t OK.  That the relationship is not in a good place.  That things between the two of you are far from optimal.

There definitely has to be some type of difference between you before and after the breakup if you live together in order to coax out some potential solutions.  Though admittedly, this is short term tactic because it is very difficult for a couple to remain together, living under the same roof, if they are still in breakup mode.

4. Make the No Contact Period A Problem or Challenge Your Ex Boyfriend Must Solve

I am not a construction expert.

I haven’t built a house and I don’t know how to fix cars.

But, as a man, I like to think I do.

There is no way in hell that I would ever be able to, but I like to think I can.

So, when it comes to putting things together, I am always the first person in line to attempt it. For example, I recently put together a TV stand for a new TV I bought. The idea of solving a problem like putting together a new stand was very intriguing to me.

5 hours later… it wasn’t so intriguing.

(Seriously, it took me 5 hours.)

Here is my point, I am a man and I like to solve problems. It makes me feel accomplished and smart.

This principle isn’t just true of physical problems like putting together a TV stand.

It is also true of emotional ones like trying to figure out what is bothering my wife and helping people in their darkest moments when it comes to relationships (Ex Boyfriend Recovery.)

This isn’t a trait that I just have.

ALL MEN like to solve problems, they just don’t always know it.

So, the idea behind the no contact rule (like the situation above while living together) is to give your ex a problem to solve so you can position him in an area where he is going to be forced to gain your approval to fix the problem.

Here’s a quick recap of how you are supposed to use no contact to do that (if you live together.)

5. How Does NC Rules Work If You Go To Work Or School With Him


This is another one of those situations where you can’t really use the no contact rule in the fullest way you would prefer.

However, what am I teaching you in this article?

Just because you can’t use it fully, doesn’t mean you can’t adapt it to your advantage.

So, how do we alter the no contact rule to our advantage in these cases.

Well, before we get to that I think it is important to mention that work and school are two different entities and within those entities are different challenges.

What the heck do I mean by that?

Lets take work as an example.

There are different types of work. For example, if you have a summer job where you work with your ex then that isn’t going to be the same as having a career where you are going to see your ex boyfriend five days a week.

School also has different entities associated with it

High school versus college for example.

So, what I would like to do now is take these different entities and explain how the no contact rule has to be altered to fit the needs of each individual situation.

Before I get started I am going to give you a quick run down on topics I will be covering and how No Contact Rule might work for each of these.


  • High School
  • College


  • Part Time Job
  • Career

Lets start with school first!

How Do You Implement the No Contact Rule If You Are In School School Together?

In my opinion the differences between high school and college present a big enough difference to warrant a divide.

So, obviously I am going to be talking about the changes you have to make during your period of no contact in each of these cases.

Lets start with high school.

NC If You Are In High School

High school has it’s advantages and disadvantages.

Lets focus on the negative first.

The biggest disadvantage that follows high school is the fact that your opportunity to see your ex boyfriend is higher than it would be in college. With college you are often running from building to building, taking different classes. With high school, while you may be taking different classes, you may be in the same building a lot of the time.

Now, an advantage that goes along with the no contact rule in high school is the fact that I haven’t met many high school students who have been able to successfully implement it. So, your ex boyfriend won’t know what hit him when you do try it on him.  He may just think you are acting unusually cold which really doesn’t serve your purposes.  There is little mystery to what is happening.

So, how do you navigate a NC situation if you go to high school with him?

Simple, avoid him as much as possible but don’t be obvious about it. If he tracks you down or if you are forced to talk to him make sure you aren’t rude to him.  Dazzle your ex boyfriend with kindness they say. The no contact rule isn’t about being mean (though some aspects of it may seem that way.) Our goal here isn’t to alienate him enough to where he hates you.

So, what do you do if he walks up to you in class and asks you why you are ignoring him?

I want you to look at him with a smile and repeat the following,


The smile is the important part so don’t forget that.  Maybe even a hug.  That will throw him off too!

You want to be short with him but not mean which is actually a pretty hard thing to accomplish if you think about it because we automatically assume that someone is mad with us if they are short with us.

That is actually why having a pleasant and happy demeanor is so important.

Anyway, other than the situations where you are forced to communicate with him, the no contact rule pretty much remains the same.

Don’t contact him..

Don’t respond to him…

Do this for 30 days and then you can begin the process outlined in The No Contact Rule Book.

Lets turn our attention to college.

How Does it Work If You Are In College?

What is the main difference between an ex in college versus one in high school?


An ex boyfriend who you have dated through college has probably seen more when it comes to relationships and you have to use this to your advantage.

So, what happens to men when they have seen a lot in relationships?

They get paranoid.

Let me give you an example.

A man who was in a relationship with a girl who cheated on him is most likely going to be paranoid that his next girlfriend will do the same to him.

Use his paranoia to your advantage.

How do you do that?

Through jealousy!

Since you are in college I am going to assume that you are going to be taking a class together.

So, lets say that you walk into class one day and you completely ignore your ex and you start talking to some other guy that sits near you.

You lightly touch this new guy…

You laugh at his jokes…

But most importantly it’s not obvious what you are doing.

It seems natural.

Trust me when I say that your ex is going to take notice.

Especially if it’s right after the breakup.

What’s the point of doing this?

It’s to serve as a gentle reminder at what he’s losing out on and boy is it effective if you can pull it off.

Again, if he tries to talk to you apply the same rules as above in that you are pleasant but very short.

Also, one thing I forgot to mention above was the fact that the second he gives you an opportunity to exit the conversation you take it.

You do this for 30 days straight and then attempt to get him back via the methods in PRO.

How Does No Contact Work If you Work Together?

There are a lot of women who visit this site that wonder what they should do with regards to the no contact rule if they work with their ex. In fact, I received a voice mail today for my new podcast, The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast asking this very question (EBR 009 if you are interested.)

A lot of the rules for work are similar to school but there are a few minor differences.

But before we get into that lets take a look at the two different categories of work,

  1. Part Time Jobs
  2. Careers

Lets start with number one!

Part Time Jobs and NC

I look at this as any type of job that you won’t see your ex five days a week like you would with a career.

Think of a summer job for a kid in high school or just a job on the side to pick up some extra cash.

The biggest positive that goes along with a part time job is that the job only requires some of your time so it makes the no contact rule slightly more effective because you won’t have to see your ex all the time.

Again, the same rules apply as above (upbeat, positive, short, exit the conversation the first chance you get.)

There really isn’t anything much to add here. Just treat a part time job like you would a college NC alteration.

Where things get really interesting is in careers.

That is where you have to make some serious alterations to the no contact rule.

Careers and NC

A career is a job that you will be at for many years and it is looked at as a full time job where you will have to see your ex boyfriend a minimum of five days a week.

Obviously doing the no contact rule at work is going to be extremely tough, so you are going to have to adopt a form of limited contact.

In other words, the rules of no contact still apply but since you are going to be forced to talk with your ex (since you see him 5 days a week) you are going to have to figure out exactly how to approach conversations with him.

I like recommending keeping things strictly about business.

In other words, if you worked at a balloon shop:


(Hey, I am trying to keep things interesting don’t hate.)

If you worked at a balloon shop then try to keep all forced conversations about balloons. In the unlikely case he brings up your relationship be short with him.  Work and relationship talk during this breakup phase rarely mix well.  So avoid it.

One word or brief answers work wonders here.

However, you need to be very careful in how you communicate.

  • If you look depressed, angry and sad then your one word answer is going to be taken as negative.
  • If you look happy, upbeat and bubbly then your one word answer is going to be taken more positive and maybe perplexing

This is the important part.

Brief answers are indicative of when something is wrong.


You want it in a positive manner (hence the happy, upbeat and positive stuff I said above) but you also want him to think in the back of his head:

“Hey there is a problem with her.”  


Remember what I said above about men wanting to fix problems?

Yup, this plays right into that.

Also, really work hard to sprinkle some jealousy into the environment. The combination of these can be very powerful during limited contact.

6. How Does the No Contact Rule Work If You Share Children Together?


Another situation that I would like to talk about today is if you have children together.

Obviously you can’t do the no contact rule if you have to communicate with your ex over the kids.

So, what alterations do you need to make in this instance?

Lets give an example to further explore what should be done.

Mary and Mike have one child together and they just broke up. Mary took the child and is living with her parents right now. She would also like to use the no contact rule on Mike but she isn’t sure on how to approach it when she has to communicate with him over their child.

What should she do?

Well, lets look at her situation this way.

Can she still use the no contact rule on Mike?

In some aspects she can.

She is living with her parents so she can use the no contact rule in some respects with not contacting and seeing her ex.

But what if he sends her this text message one day?


Obviously, Jake is the child that Mike and Mary share.

So, what should Mary do?

Should her child suffer the wrath of no contact?

Of course not.

No, in this case Mary is allowed to break the no contact rule to talk about topics concerning the child.




As long as it’s about Jake (the child) Mary can break the no contact rule to communicate.

This brings up an interesting question though.

Can Mary branch out to topics outside of her child?

No, any time she breaks her no contact rule it has to strictly be about her child and that’s it. If she talks about the weather, the amazing game last night or something that reminded her of Mike then that is considered a breach of the no contact rule and you will incur the wrath of me.

And you don’t want to incur my wrath!

Jennifer Chris W-121-X2

(Hey don’t judge, they told us to glare in the picture….)

One last note about no contact with kids before I move on to our next scenario.

You will find that since you are forced to communicate a bit more with your ex during NC in this situation. The chances of having him bring up the past relationship are slightly more likely.

What should you do if this happens?

I am so glad you asked!

Don’t talk about your relationship at all until after the no contact rule.

Again, you can find out how to do this correctly with Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.

So, how do you fend off his questions about your relationship?

Well, you can always refer to the working together section above on one word or brief responses.  Or you can say one of my favorite phrases:

“I am not in the mood to talk about that right now.”

Both are equally effective!

7.  Turn Your Ex Into A Text Gnat (In A Good Way)

This site has becomes famous in underground circles and as a result a lot of the ideas I have presented on it have gone viral.

One of those ideas has been the idea of a text gnat.

What is a text gnat?

Look at the graphic below,

text gnat

The serious of messages above are synonymous with a text gnat.

When women do this to men it is almost equivalent to having an annoying gnat buzz around your head and no matter how many times you try to swat it away it just keeps on buzzing around.

Hence the name, text gnat.

Now, when it comes to Ex Boyfriend Recovery I am usually talking about “text gnats” with regards to crazy women alienating their ex boyfriend.

In fact, I don’t think I have ever talked about crazy men text gnatting women who have done the no contact rule on them.

Gnatting does work both ways after all.

So, what happens if you use the no contact rule on an ex boyfriend and he texts you the following series of text messages seven days into NC?

good gnat

Most experts will have you believe that you should continue your no contact period if this happens.

Well, I am not like most experts.

You have to remember that the main reason that you are doing NC in the first place is to get your ex back and if he is begging for you back you have already won!

You accomplished your goal.


So, do you break no contact right there and then and have the happy reunion that you so desperately want?

No, don’t get ahead of yourself yet.

Your ex boyfriend would be expected to send some positive gnat messages in one day or over the course of the week for you to break NC off early.

So, if he sends you some text messages (begging for you back) and and perhaps he calls you as well, then that would demonstrate a positive trend  and you can break NC off early to discuss his terms of reinstatement.

What About Negative Gnatting?

Now, you may be sitting there and wondering:

“Chris, what if I have already achieved the “multiple positive actions” but they were all negative?”

Well, if that’s the case then I have some bad news for you.

You won’t be able to end your no contact period early.


Lets say that your ex boyfriend has sent you ten text messages all with one common theme, they are all negative.

They all look like this:

apike message

If your ex boyfriend tries to send a text message like this to you he is trying to illicit a reaction out of you.

Don’t give it to him.

I liken this to a reaction a child would have if it isn’t getting it’s way.

I mean, we aren’t here to re-enforce bad behavior, we are here to eliminate it.

You wouldn’t give a child who just spilled milk on a $500 rug a cookie, would you?

So, why would you give your ex boyfriend the pleasure of communicating with you if he has just got done fussing or cursing you out?

The only time you get to reward him with the proverbial cookie is if he his positive about wanting you back.

Do you understand!

I am going to go out on a limb here and say you do, so lets move on!

8. The NC Rules About Exchanging Items

give it to me

Another common question I get asked by readers of Ex Boyfriend Recovery is:

“Am I allowed to break the no contact rule if I have to give him his things back.”

Well, there are two categories I would like to divide this section up into.

  1. Him Asking For His Things Back
  2. You Wanting Your Things Back

There are different protocols that have to be put into effect for each of these situations.

Lets start first with him asking for his things back,

What To Do About NC If He Wants His Things Back?

He has kind of forced your hand here if he calls you up one day and asks for his things back.

It is at this point that you are going to be faced with a pretty tough decision if you are already doing the NC rule.

Do you break it and give him his things back?


Do you ignore him and contact him after his NC rule?

Remember, our goal with the NC rule isn’t to steal his things and make him so mad that he never talks to you again, which you run the risk of doing if you ignore his attempts to exchange things.

So, here is the protocol that I want you to put in place if he contacts you during your NC period and wants his things back.

Lets say that he texts you with a text saying that he wants his things back.

Well, I want you to respond the following way:


Notice how short and to the point the texts were.

I want you to act exactly like this on texts and in person.

Short and to the point.

Remember, you are all business and the business in this case is exchange your things.

If he tries to bring up your past relationship you just use some of the tricks I taught you already with the previous situations.

You are just there to give him his things back and that is it.

Any talk about anything else needs to be short and to the point.

(Finding a theme anyone?)

Lets move on to the protocols that are in place if you want your things back.

What To Do In NC If YOU Want Your Things Back From Him

The very first thing you need to determine is how important the things you want back from him are.

For example, if its just a silly toothbrush you left over at his place it would be a little ridiculous if you wanted that back when you could just go to the dollar store and get one for a buck. So, the protocol that is in place here has to do with how important the items you want back are.

A toothbrush…. not so important.

A dog on the other hand…

Well, that is probably worth contacting him and asking him for.

Basically the point I am trying to get at is this.

If you can live without the things that he has then don’t bother breaking NC for them. After all, you can just get them back after the NC rule is completed.

If you do deem the things important enough then you have my permission to break NC for them.

However, the same rules above apply.

Short and to the point!

Frequently Asked Questions About When You Should or Shouldn’t Use the No Contact Rule

1. When can I break the no contact rule? He has been calling me and texting me and I think he is really sorry.

If it has only been a few days, I would caution you about completely breaking away from your plan to allow for some space.  It’s OK to reach out to him to acknowledge his efforts and explain why you need your space.  If he loves you, he will honor your request for privacy.  Depending on the circumstance, you might want to shorten up the period of no contact.  In other situations, a few weeks may have already passed by, so in the event you are getting numerous positive indications from your ex boyfriend, then it wouldn’t be unreasonable to reach out to him in a measured way.

2. Does the No Contact Rule work if you were dumped.  My ex bf made me feel inferior and now he says he wants to talk to me about living up to his standards.  I am afraid to upset him more, but I am not sure if I should give in to him.

In this situation, it makes sense to keep your distance and stay true to your plan to create some space between him and you. At the very least, you need some quality time to heal.  No boyfriend, worth their salt, should treat their ex girlfriend in such a condescending way.  After you invest some time to heal and find yourself again, you may discover you don’t need him or want him back in your life.

3. My ex boyfriend is stubborn to a fault and has in the past insisted I need to respond quickly to his texts.  Will this no contact rule  work on stubborn men or should I just relent and keep answering his messages?

Some men are control freaks and your ex boyfriend seems to want to control your life, even after the breakup.  So this is bordering on toxic behavior and you should embrace the NC rule and put  a lot of space between you and he.  Give your ex a heads up, so he is not surprised.  No doubt he will be unhappy, but it is unwise to enable your ex’s undesirable behavior.

4. What situations does the No Contact Rule accomplish what you need?  I am just torn in half and really don’t know what I want or need from him.

If you are looking for emotional recovery, that is what this concept was founded on.  It is meant to get you out of the jaws of the pain of a breakup and focus you on getting emotionally healthier.  The most important thing for you to accomplish after parting ways with your ex boyfriend is finding yourself again and getting perspective about what is really important.  This principle is intended to get you to that place.

536 thoughts on “When NOT To Use The No Contact Rule On Your Ex Boyfriend”

  1. Avatar


    April 15, 2019 at 10:12 am

    I had been dating a lady for 3 years. We have been so close despite me sometimes initiating the broke up but she has always tried to work things out with me of which mostly I was breaking up with her because of me being am angry. Two months ago we broke up again and she went on NC then I approached her. But she refusesd to get things right.. after long talk we got back but then we were just like friends..she showed no interest.. I tried and cried several times in front of her expressing how much I love her… but she says we are done..now yesterday I texted her again of which she responded with no interest..seems shes long gone. Is it too late for me to go on NC? PLEASE HELP

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 15, 2019 at 2:25 pm

      Hi Abdul….No I don’t think its too late to implement NC

  2. Avatar


    April 7, 2019 at 10:46 pm

    Hi Chris,
    My live-in boyfriend of two years recently broke up with me. Our relationship was a perfect mountain peak – great up to the point of moving in a year in, then after moving in we constantly bickered and argued over inane stuff causing it to go downhill. I had thoughts of breaking up but ultimately felt like we could work on things because we once were so great together. He decided to pull the plug and said that he didn’t think he’d regret the decision and that it’s for the best. We lived together for two weeks after our break up, during which we were civil with each other. Two weeks after he moved out, he contacted me to ask me not to talk to his family anymore (which I had). I was angry and felt that he was being controlling, so we got in one last argument on the phone. That was three weeks ago. Today I saw him back on dating apps. Does that mean he has given up? Is there any hope for another chance? If yes, then when does no contact start? The break up? The move out? The last phone conversation? Thanks in advance!

  3. Avatar


    April 7, 2019 at 5:19 pm


    My breakup seems a little different to most so I am not entirely sure whether no contact is any good. My ex broke up with me a week ago because he said that he didn’t think our future was compatible with his future plans – I believe this was mainly because of how I was too clingy and made him believe that he couldn’t do this thing which is really important to him. He suggested himself that it was best not to talk for a bit after the breakup… And we’ve more or less been sticking to that so far. The thing is, he said he still loves me and always will when he broke up but he just cannot give up on his dreams for me. I want to show him that he doesn’t have to do that. Should I do NC first?

  4. Avatar


    April 1, 2019 at 9:46 pm

    Hey, me and my ex broke up four days ago. We have been arguing a lot and I think both of us although fighting to stay together just ended up exhausted. I spent the last three days wallowing and crying and seeing friends but today is the fourth day and I’m feeling a bit more positive. I feel like although I’m still in love with him and hope to rekindle what we had I’m also exhausted and tired of fighting. We had a very passionate relationship and for the most part very respectful and loving but the niggly arguments got worse and worse over recent months. When we broke up we spent four hours in the phone talking. Me apologising saying I don’t want to loose him from my life and hoping he. Would consider trying to fix it. He said he was still in love with me, part of him wanted to be with me but he had no energy to fix it anymore and didn’t want to be with me. He said he didn’t think he’d change his mind but he believed in fate and if we were meant to be we would be one day. He said we weren’t compatible and in the future he thought it would go back to arguing even if we fixed it now. He cried an awful lot on the phone and at the end of the call we were almost chatting normally about my dog, his holiday, our sex life and he didn’t want to come off the phone. Very confusing.. It’s been four days and he’s just texted me to tell me he’s arranged for my things to be sent by courier and he’s moving back to Spain tomorrow (this was planned. We were meant to be going together ) and that he hopes I’m ok. I didn’t reply as I really want to implement no contact but I don’t know if I should of said thank you as I don’t want to come across as a bitch as we didn’t leave it on bad terms the last time we spoke (the day we broke up) please advise if I continue with no contact and improve myself or should I have just said ‘thank you’ By the way love the programme!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 1, 2019 at 10:23 pm

      Thanks Bea…the Program can help a lot of people! I think NC is the path to follow. But you can give your ex a little heads up that you are trying to find a quiet space and place to reflect and work on some things.

  5. Avatar


    March 23, 2019 at 2:12 pm

    My boyfriend and I were officially together for a year and a half, but unofficially for just shy of two years. We were long distance, and I moved cross country to be near him. (We didn’t live together though.) After about 5 months of living in the same place, he brought up the fact that he was an introvert and I was an extrovert, and he didn’t know if he saw it working. We talked through it, and he said that he wanted to continue trying but he just needed more introvert time (completely reasonable when he works 60-70 hour weeks.) Fast forward two months, and I thought things were going better. I had been traveling a lot so we hadn’t spent much time together since I had been out of time. We still talked or texted daily though. Anyways, he broke up with me saying that he didn’t see himself marrying me, I wasn’t his “soulmate”, and that he just needed to be alone right now. It was a shock to everyone (I heard through the grapevine that his family was upset with him). Anyways, I immediately employed the no-contact rule, but I just came across this page that said that if you were in a long relationship with good roots that you shouldn’t have done so. It’s been two weeks since I last saw/talked to him when he broke up with me, and we both haven’t attempted to contact one another. I think he’s respecting me by not contacting me because he knew about previous relationships where I have a hard time moving on because I try to be friends with an ex right away. Anyways, I’ve read the e-book (during a previous breakup) so I know what is expected, but since this relationship is different, I was just wondering if I should continue with the no-contact rule. I really truly love him, and I believe that he’s just overwhelmed with work at the moment, but I also know that this could just be wishful thinking on my part. Anyways, any advice/recommendations would be greatly appreciated!

  6. Avatar


    March 20, 2019 at 7:00 am

    I was with my boyfriend for a year. Before we started dating we spoke for a few months he would also speak to other girls. Anyway during the relationship I would talk to my ex and he would always tell me to stop by I wouldn’t. I don’t have feelings for my ex but he Is so nice to me and pampers me. My boyfriend doesn’t. I wouldn’t flirt with him but I’d allow him to think my boyfriend was the reason I couldn’t be with him. Until I eventually told him the truth. Anyway with my boyfriend I felt alone, I was doing all the hard work in the relationship and I was the only one willing to work things through but I felt unsatisfied emotionally and in the bed. I then told him about how my ex told me he still wants to be with me. Then he said he was done with me and hasn’t spoken to me since. It’s been 18 days into no contact and I’m starting to think why am I always the one trying to get him and I together and alerts putting in the work. Do I deserve the silence he is giving me or is it best to let this relationship end?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      March 21, 2019 at 2:03 am

      HI Charity….so I would stay on course with your NC and do all the things i teach in my Program.

  7. Avatar

    katie wilcox

    February 26, 2019 at 5:05 pm

    I could really do with some help. I was in a relationship for a year and a half and we never had a fight and everything seemed okay, it took my bf a year to tell me he love me and I accepted that cos I thought he just wanted to take it slow and he all way told me he was never the sort of guy who is very good in expressing His felling verbally And I was okay with that cos he showed me them In different way like he all way tx me morning and see what I was doing throughout The day and when I when to see him we all way kids and hug for ages and he hold me at night and kiss my head and do really sweet things like that I no he fel down over how he look and I try my best to make him fell better all the time and it did not all way work but he used to get over after a bit so I thought things was going well till last saterday he tx me saying he do not see any further for us and that I am amazing and have such a pule Heart And I deserved Someone Better than him and that he loved me but not in love with it and it like he losing his best friend and now he block me on all social media Apart from one And has not block my phone number and I so upset I just don’t get what I did for him to not love me or for him to be so cold all of sudden Plz can u help me

  8. Avatar


    February 25, 2019 at 2:17 am

    Hi ,
    Can you please help me if I should do the NC with this guy..if it’s even worth it..
    2 years ago I met this guy at my university, I currently live in the USA he is from a different country. We dated very little, back then he told me he really likes me. But then he had to go back to his country. For almost a year we were contacting each other every day. Last week I messaged him thinking to move close to him so to end the LDR. He then messaged me saying he likes me as a friend now, he doesn’t want to have a particular girlfriend and wants to concentrate in his job and hobbies. Then said I’m his most important friend and he wants to continue talking like now. He also said I can met him because we are friends and friends can meet! I felt extremely heartbroken…I don’t know what to do? Should I do the Nc rule ? Is t even worth it ? Can you please give me your opinion…
    thank you

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 26, 2019 at 1:39 am

      He Leila…I know it can be confusing. That is why I wrote a 485 page eBook “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” to help walk people thru the whole process.

  9. Avatar


    February 18, 2019 at 4:50 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I have a very complicated situation it is long, but please help me. I don’t know what to do.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 years. We are 22 and I am his first relationship. We were typically very very happy, with very minimal “fighting” and even when there were disagreements, we were always able to resolve them very calmly. I do all the cooking, cleaning, etc and do my best to make sure that he’s happy and feels loved. According to everyone on the outside, we’re the “perfect couple”, and we always used to feel the same way.

    We’ve lived together for roughly 2 years. About 6 months ago he mentioned that he wanted to join the Navy and it was a very serious issue. I was heartbroken and told him I didn’t want him to go. After a lot of discussing he decided to stay. About 3 weeks ago it came up again that he still wanted to go to the Navy, and was planning on leaving me in order to do so. I was heartbroken at the fact that he didn’t even give me the option of coming. He said he didn’t think I would support him, and that he wasn’t sure if he could do it to me, because “I’m very loving and deserve someone to be here to hold me and return that love”.
    He wants to be a Seal, which if he makes it (I’m confident he could if he tried) would mean he would typically be gone up to 11 months out of the year.

    After some digging, I was able to get it out of him that leaving me wasn’t just about the Navy, he said he wasn’t happy with me because I didn’t have enough drive. He said I don’t stick things out, and I know I do have that issue. We are working towards our goals, just slower than he liked.

    He moved out yesterday, I am heartbroken. When he was still living with me, at first he was very cold. He rarely talked to me, didn’t cuddle with me, nothing. Until I quit showing him I was sad. Then he suddenly acted like a friend again, he cuddled with me at night, asked me about my day, and seemed happy to see me. But he was still distant. No where near what we used to be.

    When he moved out yesterday suddenly he said “he just needed time”, when before he was saying he didn’t see himself being with anyone. He also left a lot of his stuff at my house, saying “it’ll be a good reason to come back” with a sad smile. He also told our roommate (we’re all very close) he didn’t want to move out. And he seemed very very sad. I didn’t show him my sadness. I told him that I would miss him but that I hope that he finds happiness in his decision, and thanked him for everything he’s done for me and we hugged eachother a bit. He was so sad, he was almost in tears but yet, he’s stopped sharing location with me, and hasn’t spoken to me. All of our mutual friends have said he seems extremely sad when they go out together, so I just don’t understand why he’s doing this or what I can do to make it better.

    I’ve since gotten a new job and work 6 days a week, I’ve been reading every day, going to the gym more often, and cooking for myself more. Im trying to fix myself, but it hurts me that he just left instead of having a serious talk with me and sticking things out together. He acknowledged that he needs to work on communicating more.

    If you’ve made it this far, thank you. I know it’s a lot to read. Our situation is different than anything I can find advice for, because we both still love eachother a lot, and his desire to go to the navy is playing a huge part.

    He’s a great guy. I don’t want to lose him, I really thought he was the one and I cannot shake that feeling.

    Please tell me what to do, and if you think there is any hope for us.

    – Rickelle.

  10. Avatar


    February 12, 2019 at 2:21 pm

    Hi Chris,

    Today I got some very bad news, as a result I cried at work and left the office midday. My ex works with me so he saw me upset and then noticed that I left. I am at day 8 of my second NC. We broke up 5 months ago, I did the texting phase all of Jan (it was very positive) but made a mistake by sleeping with him at the end of January without having him commit to me…That’s why I was told to go back in NC. Today he tried calling me three times and sent me two texts to check on me because he saw me cry earlier. He called at 1;30pm, 3pm and 5:30pm. Also in his last text he asked me to please let him know if I am ok. I consulted with the Facebook group moderators and was told to not break NC. Now I am scared this wasn’t the right thing to do, and I am terrified that I have pushed him further away by not responding. Can you please tell me if I did well by not responding??

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 13, 2019 at 12:42 am

      Hi Delphine…so sorry for whatever bad news came into your day. Ummm, these situations can be close calls. Arrange for someone to let him know you are fine and while you received his messages, you need some quiet time.

  11. Avatar


    February 7, 2019 at 2:03 am

    Hi Chris!

    So we just ended things about a week ago and I am thinking of doing NC but he just lost some one very close to him and I feel like I should be there for him. Should I do NC regardless?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 7, 2019 at 2:18 am

      Hi Lindsay…probably best to hold off on NC for a spell and be supportive as appropriate and reevaluate things later.

  12. Avatar


    February 6, 2019 at 11:36 pm

    My ex and I was together on and off for just over a year. I have children from a previous relationship and my ex broke up with me this morning saying he really loves me but just can’t deal with being with someone who has kids. He was crying and I can tell he was genuinely upset about breaking up with me. I’m heartbroken and angry In a way as I don’t understand how he could break up with me for that reason after knowing I had kids and his been with me over a year! I haven’t spoke to him all day since. Is there a chance he might change his mind or is that us definitely over and I shouldn’t bother even trying.

  13. Avatar


    February 6, 2019 at 8:02 pm

    Hi Chris,
    My boyfriend of 8 years broke up with me a month ago exactly. We had great times but also fought a lot. One day he tells me he never loved me, and it came across as a shock. We currently live together simply because we are both college students and funds are tight to be jumping around houses and are forced to continue living together atleast for the meantime.
    In the beginning it was exceedingly unpleasant. Despite me being very kind towards him he was always rude and insulting (not like him at all). He also started trying to get with new women immediately after, especially one girl in particular which he has a small history with. I couldn’t take it anymore and left for a weekend without telling him. His only communication with me during that time was a text reading “I hope you’re ok” and that was it.
    When I returned, he was more appreciative of my company and stopped being rude and insulting completely. We now hang out, have meals together and have even slept together a few times. I noticed he doesn’t really talk to other women as much either. He now admits he “loves” me but just isn’t “in-love.” We are not a couple, and he doesn’t show signs of wanting me back as a girlfriend but yet enjoys my company very much. I have considered NC rule but I’m worried I already messed up my chances by being very kind and pleasant even though we aren’t committed. Is there a way to undo this? And is it too late to try the NC?

    Thank you so much for your help and keep up the great videos!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 7, 2019 at 2:19 am

      Hi Helena!

      No, I don’t think its too late. Read up on it on my website…indeed, I wrote a book on the topic!

  14. Avatar


    February 6, 2019 at 4:27 am

    What if I was strung along by my ex .. then found out he was in a relationship (we were still seeing each other I didn’t know about her). Said he wants to stay friends I said no I want a relationship or nothing … I went into no contact and he became the text gnat after 5 days,6,7,8 days I called to say this has to stop.. then he opened up and said he made a mistake and he wants to be with me he’s going to leave his gf because she’s not me. He didn’t want me to block him on WhatsApp but after two days I said it’s for the best until he has left her… it has now been a week and he hasn’t got back to me to say he has left her… should I call to find out what’s going on or continue no contact ?
    How long should I wait for him to do that?
    Please help

  15. Avatar


    February 4, 2019 at 8:56 am

    Hello, my ex recently broke up with me. We have been together for 3 years with some ups and downs. He said he just doesn’t feel the same way anymore. I had a feeling he was seeing someone but he claimed he wasn’t. then sometime later he posted on a girl on Snapchat. Do you think it’s possible to get him back?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 4, 2019 at 5:22 pm

      Hi Sarah!

      So despite ups/downs, 3 years in a relationship creates some traction which can help you down the road. Some guys use that line about “not feeling the same way”, but the truth is they often don’t really know their feelings. Of course none of us feel the same way…relationships are always changing and adapting. I think you should look at implementing No Contact and picking up my 485 page epic eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” to help you throughout this whole process!

  16. Avatar


    February 1, 2019 at 11:59 am

    Hi Chris,
    My boyfriend broke up with me 9 days ago, because he lost feelings for me. We were together 4 years. It was 4 great years, with some minor hiccups along the way, but never any major fights. The first 9 months we were short distance (100km) after which I got a job offer in a third country (2000km away) and he moved there (for) with me. We lived there for 2 years, during which a lot of things happened and we both worked together to solve them (moving 8 times, getting fired, him not having a job for the whole time meant using only my salary, traveling for work two weeks a month, loss of pets, identity theft, etc).

    We finally moved back to help his parents, but that meant living in his moms house, not being able to do anything she didn’t want to, not being able to go out much as we were now relying on a significantly smaller salary in his country. After all that happened I was depressed and needed a break from the work force and didn’t want to start looking for a job yet.. but everything was still good, nothing crazy. fast forward to before the breakup. He’s been acting a bit off the last month and a half, but any time I asked he said it was fine, he loved me and he was very happy for me to be his gf.

    I was traveling to my parents in my own country every once in a while and was there over Christmas and New Years (both times he came to join me and my family but then returned home because of work). I was supposed to join him after New Years but his families (multiple people) health deteriorated, and he had to sleep over at his grandmas and uncles place and he couldn’t see me anyway so we decided I should stay. The texts after he left changed 180degrees, he was distant the whole 3 weeks, no hearts, no “love you”, no calls.

    Day of breakup he called me, said “unfortunately we need to end our relationship”, cold as a robot.. first he couldn’t give me a reason except to say he’s numb. Then he said he hasn’t loved me for the last one, then said two, three months and he didn’t see us “working out anymore”. I said I was disappointed I wasted 4 years on him, and that I thought he would fight for us. He was quiet. I asked about my stuff (all our furniture from abroad, all my other stuff) he said I could come get it maybe next week. I asked him did he think I was happy the last month because of the way he was acting, and said I was still willing to give him a chance even after that. After my monologue about how people fight for the relationship and don’t give up, he angrily mumbled he tried but then suddenly said he’s gonna go now and hung up the phone.. he gave me 25 mins on the phone after 4 years of relationship. I didn’t cry on the phone, didn’t beg, I was just disappointed and angry, but not yelling.

    I just don’t know what to do. I’m doing NC just to protect myself and heal. But it’s been 9 days and he hasn’t even contacted me about the stuff. Should I even do NC? Your test said I have 83% chance, but if he doesn’t love me..

    Kind regards,

  17. Avatar


    January 26, 2019 at 10:03 pm

    Hi, I found out my ex bf lied to me about keeping in contact and seeing his exes. This wasn’t the first time, I left and he blocked me but unblocked me on text and has reached out to me. Today he asked me, “so we’re done?” and then said, “If you don’t reply by tonight, Im assuming we’re done?” I have only been doing NC for 2 or 3 days. I don’t know if I should reply or not. Thanks

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 27, 2019 at 2:11 am

      Hi Amber…..so he is trying to get some attention. Unless you get a string of positive messaging from him, best not to respond in most cases.

  18. Avatar


    January 25, 2019 at 12:12 am

    Thank you for your quick reply! I will buy your ebook and am considering coaching too, but I don’t get paid for another couple of weeks and need to know what to say to my ex before he leaves the country.

    Basically, is five or six months too long to go NC? Especially considering how we’ve never gone more than a few days of not seeing or speaking to each other in seven years. I’m worried it’ll irrecoverably damage us.

    I have foolishly told him that I would go NC when he left and now I fear it’s not going to achieve anything, because he knows exactly what’s happening and he’s the only one allowed to break NC. How do I take the power back?

    My options seem to be: call off the mutually agreed 5+ months NC with him but then just do it myself anyway to regain control, do it but break it halfway through to build rapport and hope he doesn’t mind, or do it for as long as it takes for him to contact me again.

    I’ve backed myself into a corner by suggesting NC to him and I don’t know what to do. And I can’t shorten the NC time easily because of the specific situation.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 25, 2019 at 1:35 am

      Hi Viv. Yes, most NC periods run 21 to 45 days per my Program. There is much to the process..its an active undertaking in many ways. So best to come up to speed. That is why I wrote several ebooks on the topic.

  19. Avatar


    January 24, 2019 at 10:01 pm

    I need urgent advice! Sorry for the complicated message coming up…

    My long term ex just moved out of our shared home today. He returns next week, to crash here for another week and a half before he leaves permanently. He’s a phd student and has arranged a funded overseas placement, after which he’ll return to our city but we’ll live apart and potentially never see each other again.

    We’ve been together for almost seven years: long distance for one year (but only an hour apart, so we saw each other quite frequently), followed by living together for almost five, then living together for another year after that whilst technically exes because neither of us could afford to move out.

    During our final year which is now coming to an end, there were basically six months acting like exes with him sleeping on the sofa and us barely talking, then another six months in this weird limbo where we sometimes had sex, slept in the same bed, and hung out a lot like close friends, but sadly nothing very romantic happened because we were so stressed and confused. Now he’s going overseas for five months.

    This isn’t our first break up – he cheated on me halfway through our relationship but we reunited after a few weeks apart – and technically I was the one who said it this time, but I later tried to retract it and he refused. I deeply regret saying it during an argument, when he was cruel to me and I was literally feverish with the flu. It was stupid. But once it sunk in, he accepted it and wouldn’t go back.

    I’ve done all of the wrong things: begging, suggesting open/long distance/friends only, trying to stop him leaving and offering to go with him. Currently the agreement is that once he leaves the country, we won’t talk for the entire time he’s away unless he initiates – I suggested that to stop me from initiating. Plan is to allow him to contact me, if he wants to, when he returns for friendship or possibly more. He knows he doesn’t have to message me, so he probably won’t. He’s a sweetheart but a poor communicator, tends to act passively aggressively and evidently feels guilty about leaving me, based on everything he’s said. He’s going to continue paying his share of the rent for several months (until the end of the tenancy, after which I’ll renew alone) and I can’t afford to decline the offer.

    We both say we still love each other but he doesn’t want to continue. We got together when he was 21 and never had a proper relationship before or even sex with another girl – now he’s almost 29 and will obviously get to explore these opportunities. Also, British guy visiting America – women are going to fall at his feet!

    What do I do? My plan was to go NC for the good of *my* emotional health, but I’ve handed him a get-out-of-jail-free card where he never has to speak to me again and I’ve foolishly offered not to contact him. Also, I stupidly used the phrase “no contact.” I know, from many conversations, that he doesn’t want ongoing contact with me after leaving so how can I retract my offer whilst not appearing to be demanding contact, or freak him out? And what if he says no?

    The other thing I need to figure out is, even if he agrees to occasional contact, then how long do I go NC for (given that he’s in a different continent for the next five months) and how do I build rapport with no opportunity to meet? The build up would be really slow and I can see him easily becoming distracted. That’s part of the reason why I didn’t think it would work having any contact at all – I thought it would be best to give him those five months completely off, count to one month once he returned to my country/city, then contact him. But five months seems way too long…

    Please help! I need to decide what to do, and potentially tell him that our NC plan is off, within the next week.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 24, 2019 at 11:33 pm

      It sounds like you would benefit from my eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book”! It’s 245 pages in length and I get into the various uses and adaptations of the NC rule. First and foremost, NC is for you, not for him. Getting some much needed healing and recovery and focusing on your personal growth are all important elements of the NC period. As it turns out, it can also have positive benefits in giving you ex time to re-evaluate things and come to miss you. Meanwhile, you are not idle. When implemented properly, you should be doing things to reinforce your value.

  20. Avatar

    Faby Flores

    January 24, 2019 at 9:02 pm

    Hi Chris, my ex-boyfriend and I dated gor almost eight years. We did fight a lot about stupid things but we would always make up. Then in November of last year he went to visit family out of state and three days before having to come back, he ended things with me through text. I unfortunately begged him and stated my case as to why he shouldn’t break things off. I basically annoyed him until he blocked me on social media and even through call and text. I had a feeling he broke up with me to be with somebody else, but he denied it. Three weeks after our breakup, I find out he’s dating his teen crush and from what I’ve heard, they are in “love”. But prior to this, his now current girlfriend reached out to me and said she could never see him as anything more than just a friend, and now a few days later they’re talking about being each other’s love of their lives and even talking about marriage. Everyone says she’s a rebound, but is it still considered a rebound if they have been friends for half their lives? And would no contact work, even if I’ve pestered him for a month, and also considering he seems madly in love with his new girlfriend?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 24, 2019 at 11:35 pm

      Hi Faby….so 8 years establishes roots and that can come into positive play later as its hard to permanently break a long term couple. Perhaps she is a rebound…time will tell… but I do think NC is the right approach as practiced in my Program.

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