Ah, the no contact rule!  When to use it.  When not to use it. And how to use it!  That last one is probably the most important thing you need to learn.

Quite frankly, for some situations, when the no contact rule doesn’t work, it’s because how it was used.

Did you know that the NC principle is looked at as a religion here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.  And this is mainly because when you use the No Contact Rule correctly on your ex boyfriend, the results can be amazing for the two of you, particularly for your emotional health.

But there are times when you should NOT use the no contact rule on your boyfriend and if you don’t heed my advice, you may end up causing more damage to the already struggling relationship.

Today we are going to explore why the No Contact Rule does not work for some people and when it does work, what are the necessary conditions that should be in place.

We are also going to take a look at when the no contact rule backfires, how you should handle it. It doesn’t usually happen, but when the NC rule fails, you need to ask yourself why and what you expected to get out of it.

In my book, the No Contact Rule seldom fails if you think about how it can benefit you in so many ways.  Remember, it not just about getting your ex boyfriend back.  NC plays a huge role in you getting back your confidence, self-esteem, and sense of dignity.  Never forget that a big component of this principle is your self recovery!

Should You Use The No Contact Rule or Should You Avoid It Like A Plague!

If you take some time to look around the site you will notice that every single article I have written that is based on the no contact rule has hundreds (and sometimes thousands) of comments from women.  And many of these ladies are interested in the “how long” question.

The timing of when you should apply the No Contact Rule for your situation is critical.  How long you do it for and whether you can end it sooner than planned are very popular questions.

Often times the comments go something like this:

“Chris, my ex and I broke up last month.  Is it still too late to do the no contact rule?”

or

“Chris, I am trying out the no contact rule but his birthday falls on that date. Am I allowed to wish him a happy birthday.  Does that mean I need to end NC, then start it up again?”

or my personal favorite:

“Can you tell me what dictates “breaking” the no contact rule. I think I may have broken it…”

Guess what? If you are asking that then you probably did break it!

7 Situations When You Probably Shouldn’t Use the No Contact Rule on Your Ex Boyfriend

So let’s start first with when you really shouldn’t even try using the NC rule.  In fact, it is really less of a rule and more of principle and sometimes it just doesn’t make sense to use this strategy on your ex boyfriend.  So let’s discuss seven situations where you should think twice before instituting this concept.

1. The Relationship With Your Ex Boyfriend Has Been Very Lengthy and Successful

When you and your ex have a long history together and you both have been happy with each other, with minimal fights, that would suggest you both have put down some powerful relationship roots.  Sure, you might need some space from each other.  That approach could be very beneficial.  But if you were to implement No Contact fully, it is bound to backfire.

2. You Are Living Together and Have a Child

One of the most challenging things in life is raising a child together at the same time you are trying to work through relationship conflicts.  So it is understandable if couples have problems that get magnified because of the stresses in their life.  Often these spats and temporary breakups have a very short life.  Using the No Contact rule requires evaluating the full scope of what has happened in the past and present and the couple’s prospects for the future.  If you have a kid together, I would caution you about doing anything that will create more division.  Keeping the communication channel open (even if its limited) is often the best strategy.

3. It Is Your First Breakup With This Guy

Once again, it is important to get a full read of the relationship landscape with your ex boyfriend before you decide to ghost him or just do a radio silence number on him.  If this is the first breakup test for the relationship, then you should err on the side of avoiding initiating the No Contact Rule.  Whatever led to the collapse of your connection may not be serious enough to go this route.  The NC rule is often best used in very toxic situations and unless this falling out has gotten real ugly, just keep this tactic in your pocket.  You can always deploy it later if communications are not re-established and things are worsening.

4. Don’t Use No Contact If You are Acting out of Anger

Make no mistake, when you and your boyfriend split up, you are likely going to be mad, possibly really angry.  You may feel so bitter that you will immediately seek for a way to teach him a lesson.  So what better lesson can you teach your “good for nothing” ex than just never speaking with him again, ever.  This is what anger can do to us.  It can cause us to to say and do very stupid things.  So don’t make a decision as important as this out of passion.  It seldom leads anywhere good.

5. Don’t Allow Your Impulsive Nature Cut Your Ex Boyfriend Completely Out of Your Life

When we are upset, we do things impulsively and if your ex bf has disappointed you, there may be a part of you that wants nothing to do with him.  You may immediately come to believe that he is not worth having around so cutting your ex out may come easy at first.  So when the no contact rule doesn’t work because you were impulsive, don’t be surprised because you are doing it for the wrong reasons and in the wrong way.

6. If You Initiated The Breakup With You Ex, Think Twice About Using No Contact

While the NC rule has great applicability to many situations, it is probably gets the least results when you are the one that initiated the breakup and dumped your ex boyfriend.  He already feels rejected and signing up for a long period of no communications of any kind with him is likely not going to help your cause.  This is very much the case if you are sure you want him back.   Now if you left him because things were toxic, then putting some space and distance between the two of you may be called for.  But never think that no contact should always immediately follow a breakup.  It may not be called for at all or a form of limited contact may be in order.

7. If You Are Uncertain and Have Serious Doubts About The Breakup, Then Take A Time Out

It may be that you are really unsure about what has transpired.  Both you and your ex bf may be seriously questioning whether this breakup is the real deal.  Maybe you just needed a day or two to emotionally reset.  Sometimes, just giving each other some space for a few days, then slowly resuming contact is a wiser course of action.

Get the Fairy Tale Feeling Back Again With Our Step By Step Guide To Getting Your Ex Back

Learn More

10 Situations Where Using the No Contact Rule Makes A lot of Sense

Let’s now talk about those cases in which it makes a lot of sense to seriously consider implementing the NC rule.   So while not every one of these situations will necessarily result in the you implementing the principle, more often that not, it will do you good in these situations.

  1. Your ex boyfriend left you and made it clear it was over and claims he doesn’t want to see you again.
  2. You discovered that your ex bf was cheating on you.
  3. The relationship with your boyfriend has been toxic in many ways and this has been going on for several months.
  4. You and your boyfriend have experienced a series of breakups and the relationships seems to be getting worse.
  5. Your ex has been emotionally abusive and then dumped you in the cruelest way.
  6. You feel very unhappy and have yet to recover from the pain of the breakup and your ex bf has given you zero support.
  7. Its been a few weeks already with no sign of your ex boyfriend showing any interest in you.
  8. You find yourself in a cycle of constantly texting him and he has yet to respond to any of your texts.
  9. Your boyfriend has specifically asked you that he needs space and has shown signs of pulling away from the relationship.
  10.  You boyfriend did something from each of the above, in which case go directly into NC and forget about him.

Dispelling 5 Top Myths About Using the No Contact Rule

For all the years I have been doing this, I have had to dispel a lot of rumors about the No Contact Rule and what it is used for and how it works and what it can and can’t do for you.  So let’s talk about the top 5 myths surrounding the NC rule.

1. It Always Works

While implementing this principle can do so many positive things for you, it cannot guarantee your ex boyfriend will come running back to you.  First of all, it’s hard to implement, so while the idea of the concept is solid, it is not easy for people to follow its guidelines perfectly. And even it you did everything right, making all the right decisions along the way, you can still be left wondering what happened with what you thought was the dream man for your life.

2. The No Contact Rule Is All About Getting Your Ex To Come Back To You

This may be one of the biggest myths of them all.  It turns out, using NC rule to get him back is probably the least impactful thing about this principle.  The part that I believe can have positive life changing consequences is the self recovery process.  Learning more about who you are and what you want and picking yourself up and loving yourself fully and becoming the Ungettable Girl…these are just a few of the self recovery aspects associated with the No Contact Rule.

3. It Always Makes Him Miss You

While it certainly can make your man miss you and think about you constantly, it is not solely designed to do this.  And sometimes, it falls short of this expectation.  Instead of missing you, your ex could be out there just partying it up.  And the more he feels ignored, the more he is going to show you how he doesn’t need you.  This can happen, though it is not often that men behave in this way.  Indeed, if your ex boyfriend is incapable of truly missing you, then it shows he either doesn’t value you or is just a rotten kind of guy.

4. Once You Start It You Can’t Break It

This is of course is a big fallacy.  The way I see it, the no contact rule is best employed when it can be adapted for each individual situation.  Sometimes it works to modify your approach, breaking your code of silence, if the right circumstances present themselves.  I discuss this at length in my ebook The No Contact Rule Book!

5.  It Has To Be 30 Days Long

No it doesn’t.  Your No Contact period can be any number of days, though I have found the best results when it runs 21 to 45 days.  But there have been times when I recommended 14 days or just get away from each other for a few days.  So there is no magic number that you must adhere to at all costs.

Why Is This NC Rule So Confusing and Complicated!

The no contact rule is a relatively simple idea at first, but gets progressively more complex as you peel the layers back.

For example, the general premise of the no contact rule states that you are supposed to ignore an ex in just about every way for 21-45 days straight.

(Note: The length of the no contact rule can be modified, but I like to recommend a 30 day rule for most folks!)

It’s a simple idea, right?

I mean, you just carve out a block of time and ignore him.

Simple as that!

Umm…. actually it’s not that easy.

What if you find yourself in the following situations?

  • You Live With An Ex
  • You Go To Work or School With Him
  • You Share Children Together
  • HE Becomes A Text Gnat And Seems Unstable
  • He Wants To Pick Up His Things (Or You Need To From Him)

All of a sudden this really easy idea becomes quite complicated.

So what I am going to do next is teach you exactly what to do in all of the above situations.

Hint Hint… You cannot always do a strict no contact rule.

8 Must Know Rules Of Using No Contact Rule In The Proper Way

grammatical errors

When I first started Ex Boyfriend Recovery I was very cerebral in my thinking.

In other words, I was book smart but I wasn’t street smart.

As a result, the advice I gave women was good, but it could have been better as I hadn’t seen enough cases to evaluate all the possibilities. Now that I am several years into dealing with breakups, I can honestly say that the advice I offer now isn’t only better but it’s more complete and informative.

You often hear the ex recovery experts out there preach the strictness that goes along with the no contact rule.

What do I mean by that?

“Make sure you DO NOT break the no contact rule under any circumstances.”

I was actually guilty of this in the very early days.

Well, I will say this about my advice in those instances.

I was mostly right, but not right along the margins.

There are some instances where holding true to the no contact rule is a bad idea. In other words, you have to bend the no contact rule a little bit to suit your needs.

1. Recognize There Are Complexities In Getting An Ex Back

complicated

How often have you heard me say this phrase?

“No two “ex” situations are alike.”

There has probably never been a truer phrase that I have muttered in my time on this earth than that phrase above.

In all my years doing this the one big epiphany I have had is that every situation I encounter is unique and may require different tactics to succeed. Heck, there are some situations that are doomed to fail no matter what you do.

This upsets me because I honestly just want to help everyone who needs it and the thought that I might fail you at times is disheartening.

So, I guess I am fighting a losing battle in that sense since this is such a complex process.

Nevertheless, I am all about improving YOUR odds so you can succeed in the end and I intend on searching for answers for the rest of my life if I have to, to improve your odds dramatically.

Here is what I have picked up in my “journey” so far.

Getting an ex boyfriend back is one of the most challenging processes and is reliant on many factors that are difficult to predict.

You are attempting to do one of the more difficult things on earth!

Changing a man’s mind that is already made up.

And the no contact rule may be the best ammunition you have for this fight. So what happens when you are faced with a situation where you can’t do the no contact rule or you are not sure how it will work in your situation?

Do you just give up?

I think not.  You recognize the challenge and roll up your sleeves and get the best information available and get to work.

2. The Secret To Making No Contact Work Is About Adaptation and Perseverance

adaptation

If you want to persevere with the no contact rule in a situation where it looks like you won’t get far, then you have to be willing to adapt.

You see, adaptation is your key to success.

It is the thing that sets the unsuccessful women apart from those ladies who are able to rebuild the connection with their ex boyfriend.

Well, that and the fact that the women who actually listen to my advice always seem to do better in the end as well!

Below I have compiled a list of the most common situations where no contact seems impossible,

  • You Live With An Ex
  • You Go To Work or School With Him
  • You Share Children Together
  • HE Becomes A Text Gnat And Seems Unstable
  • He Wants To Pick Up His Things (Or You Need To From Him)

Most women who are faced with these situations fail because they think that utilizing the no contact rule is impossible. What they fail to realize is that this concept is not impossible.  Indeed, it is almost necessary for most given its many benefits. It just simply requires a few adaptations for some.

So, what I am going to do for you is go through each of these situations one by one and explain the adaptations, alterations and tweaks that I recommend for each situation.

Sound like a plan?

Good, because that leads to our 3rd must know lesson!

3. How To Handle NC When You Live With Your Ex Boyfriend

cat dog

It’s kind of hard to implement not talking, texting, or communicating in any way with your ex if  your significant other lives with you.

So, rather than admitting defeat and just scrapping the no contact rule you should abide by the follow rules if you find yourself in this situation,

  • Don’t initiate any conversations unless absolutely necessary
  • If he instigates a conversation about your job or some other topic, just be somewhat pleasant, but don’t  linger in a conversation too long.
  • Any chance you get you should end the conversation, particularly if he started it.  Don’t do it abruptly, just fade out of the convo.

What is the point of doing this?

He needs to feel like there is a definite difference between the normal you that he is so used to and the post breakup you.

Now, you may be wondering where I came up with these rules.

Well, the truth is that I came up with them as a result of my wife.

Allow me to explain.

Obviously my wife and I live together, so we have become pretty used to each other.

We both know what each other is like when we are in good moods, bad moods and eh moods.

If I notice that my wife is really quiet or non responsive,then I immediately think to myself:

“I wonder what’s wrong?”

It is at this point that I pry and probe:

“Hey, is everything ok?”

Usually I will get a candid sounding response like:

“Yup, everything is fine.”

Now, do I believe her?

No.

Why?

Because I am used to her normal behavior and her normal behavior isn’t quiet and distant.  Rather it’s bubbly and talkative.

So, what do you think I do next?

Well, much to her annoyance I try to start fixing a problem that I have no knowledge of. This puts me in a position where I am chasing her trying to gain her approval. It is a position that many of the women on this site would love to see their ex boyfriends do.

This is why, when you live with your ex, you need to show them  that things aren’t OK.  That the relationship is not in a good place.  That things between the two of you are far from optimal.

There definitely has to be some type of difference between you before and after the breakup if you live together in order to coax out some potential solutions.  Though admittedly, this is short term tactic because it is very difficult for a couple to remain together, living under the same roof, if they are still in breakup mode.

4. Make the No Contact Period A Problem or Challenge Your Ex Boyfriend Must Solve

I am not a construction expert.

I haven’t built a house and I don’t know how to fix cars.

But, as a man, I like to think I do.

There is no way in hell that I would ever be able to, but I like to think I can.

So, when it comes to putting things together, I am always the first person in line to attempt it. For example, I recently put together a TV stand for a new TV I bought. The idea of solving a problem like putting together a new stand was very intriguing to me.

5 hours later… it wasn’t so intriguing.

(Seriously, it took me 5 hours.)

Here is my point, I am a man and I like to solve problems. It makes me feel accomplished and smart.

This principle isn’t just true of physical problems like putting together a TV stand.

It is also true of emotional ones like trying to figure out what is bothering my wife and helping people in their darkest moments when it comes to relationships (Ex Boyfriend Recovery.)

This isn’t a trait that I just have.

ALL MEN like to solve problems, they just don’t always know it.

So, the idea behind the no contact rule (like the situation above while living together) is to give your ex a problem to solve so you can position him in an area where he is going to be forced to gain your approval to fix the problem.

Here’s a quick recap of how you are supposed to use no contact to do that (if you live together.)

5. How Does NC Rules Work If You Go To Work Or School With Him

working

This is another one of those situations where you can’t really use the no contact rule in the fullest way you would prefer.

However, what am I teaching you in this article?

Just because you can’t use it fully, doesn’t mean you can’t adapt it to your advantage.

So, how do we alter the no contact rule to our advantage in these cases.

Well, before we get to that I think it is important to mention that work and school are two different entities and within those entities are different challenges.

What the heck do I mean by that?

Lets take work as an example.

There are different types of work. For example, if you have a summer job where you work with your ex then that isn’t going to be the same as having a career where you are going to see your ex boyfriend five days a week.

School also has different entities associated with it

High school versus college for example.

So, what I would like to do now is take these different entities and explain how the no contact rule has to be altered to fit the needs of each individual situation.

Before I get started I am going to give you a quick run down on topics I will be covering and how No Contact Rule might work for each of these.

School

  • High School
  • College

Work

  • Part Time Job
  • Career

Lets start with school first!

How Do You Implement the No Contact Rule If You Are In School School Together?

In my opinion the differences between high school and college present a big enough difference to warrant a divide.

So, obviously I am going to be talking about the changes you have to make during your period of no contact in each of these cases.

Lets start with high school.

NC If You Are In High School

High school has it’s advantages and disadvantages.

Lets focus on the negative first.

The biggest disadvantage that follows high school is the fact that your opportunity to see your ex boyfriend is higher than it would be in college. With college you are often running from building to building, taking different classes. With high school, while you may be taking different classes, you may be in the same building a lot of the time.

Now, an advantage that goes along with the no contact rule in high school is the fact that I haven’t met many high school students who have been able to successfully implement it. So, your ex boyfriend won’t know what hit him when you do try it on him.  He may just think you are acting unusually cold which really doesn’t serve your purposes.  There is little mystery to what is happening.

So, how do you navigate a NC situation if you go to high school with him?

Simple, avoid him as much as possible but don’t be obvious about it. If he tracks you down or if you are forced to talk to him make sure you aren’t rude to him.  Dazzle your ex boyfriend with kindness they say. The no contact rule isn’t about being mean (though some aspects of it may seem that way.) Our goal here isn’t to alienate him enough to where he hates you.

So, what do you do if he walks up to you in class and asks you why you are ignoring him?

I want you to look at him with a smile and repeat the following,

“Nothing!”

The smile is the important part so don’t forget that.  Maybe even a hug.  That will throw him off too!

You want to be short with him but not mean which is actually a pretty hard thing to accomplish if you think about it because we automatically assume that someone is mad with us if they are short with us.

That is actually why having a pleasant and happy demeanor is so important.

Anyway, other than the situations where you are forced to communicate with him, the no contact rule pretty much remains the same.

Don’t contact him..

Don’t respond to him…

Do this for 30 days and then you can begin the process outlined in The No Contact Rule Book.

Lets turn our attention to college.

How Does it Work If You Are In College?

What is the main difference between an ex in college versus one in high school?

Experience.

An ex boyfriend who you have dated through college has probably seen more when it comes to relationships and you have to use this to your advantage.

So, what happens to men when they have seen a lot in relationships?

They get paranoid.

Let me give you an example.

A man who was in a relationship with a girl who cheated on him is most likely going to be paranoid that his next girlfriend will do the same to him.

Use his paranoia to your advantage.

How do you do that?

Through jealousy!

Since you are in college I am going to assume that you are going to be taking a class together.

So, lets say that you walk into class one day and you completely ignore your ex and you start talking to some other guy that sits near you.

You lightly touch this new guy…

You laugh at his jokes…

But most importantly it’s not obvious what you are doing.

It seems natural.

Trust me when I say that your ex is going to take notice.

Especially if it’s right after the breakup.

What’s the point of doing this?

It’s to serve as a gentle reminder at what he’s losing out on and boy is it effective if you can pull it off.

Again, if he tries to talk to you apply the same rules as above in that you are pleasant but very short.

Also, one thing I forgot to mention above was the fact that the second he gives you an opportunity to exit the conversation you take it.

You do this for 30 days straight and then attempt to get him back via the methods in PRO.

How Does No Contact Work If you Work Together?

There are a lot of women who visit this site that wonder what they should do with regards to the no contact rule if they work with their ex. In fact, I received a voice mail today for my new podcast, The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast asking this very question (EBR 009 if you are interested.)

A lot of the rules for work are similar to school but there are a few minor differences.

But before we get into that lets take a look at the two different categories of work,

  1. Part Time Jobs
  2. Careers

Lets start with number one!

Part Time Jobs and NC

I look at this as any type of job that you won’t see your ex five days a week like you would with a career.

Think of a summer job for a kid in high school or just a job on the side to pick up some extra cash.

The biggest positive that goes along with a part time job is that the job only requires some of your time so it makes the no contact rule slightly more effective because you won’t have to see your ex all the time.

Again, the same rules apply as above (upbeat, positive, short, exit the conversation the first chance you get.)

There really isn’t anything much to add here. Just treat a part time job like you would a college NC alteration.

Where things get really interesting is in careers.

That is where you have to make some serious alterations to the no contact rule.

Careers and NC

A career is a job that you will be at for many years and it is looked at as a full time job where you will have to see your ex boyfriend a minimum of five days a week.

Obviously doing the no contact rule at work is going to be extremely tough, so you are going to have to adopt a form of limited contact.

In other words, the rules of no contact still apply but since you are going to be forced to talk with your ex (since you see him 5 days a week) you are going to have to figure out exactly how to approach conversations with him.

I like recommending keeping things strictly about business.

In other words, if you worked at a balloon shop:

balloon

(Hey, I am trying to keep things interesting don’t hate.)

If you worked at a balloon shop then try to keep all forced conversations about balloons. In the unlikely case he brings up your relationship be short with him.  Work and relationship talk during this breakup phase rarely mix well.  So avoid it.

One word or brief answers work wonders here.

However, you need to be very careful in how you communicate.

  • If you look depressed, angry and sad then your one word answer is going to be taken as negative.
  • If you look happy, upbeat and bubbly then your one word answer is going to be taken more positive and maybe perplexing

This is the important part.

Brief answers are indicative of when something is wrong.

YOU WANT THIS!

You want it in a positive manner (hence the happy, upbeat and positive stuff I said above) but you also want him to think in the back of his head:

“Hey there is a problem with her.”  

Why?

Remember what I said above about men wanting to fix problems?

Yup, this plays right into that.

Also, really work hard to sprinkle some jealousy into the environment. The combination of these can be very powerful during limited contact.

6. How Does the No Contact Rule Work If You Share Children Together?

childre

Another situation that I would like to talk about today is if you have children together.

Obviously you can’t do the no contact rule if you have to communicate with your ex over the kids.

So, what alterations do you need to make in this instance?

Lets give an example to further explore what should be done.

Mary and Mike have one child together and they just broke up. Mary took the child and is living with her parents right now. She would also like to use the no contact rule on Mike but she isn’t sure on how to approach it when she has to communicate with him over their child.

What should she do?

Well, lets look at her situation this way.

Can she still use the no contact rule on Mike?

In some aspects she can.

She is living with her parents so she can use the no contact rule in some respects with not contacting and seeing her ex.

But what if he sends her this text message one day?

jake

Obviously, Jake is the child that Mike and Mary share.

So, what should Mary do?

Should her child suffer the wrath of no contact?

Of course not.

No, in this case Mary is allowed to break the no contact rule to talk about topics concerning the child.

School..

Appointments..

Emergencies..

As long as it’s about Jake (the child) Mary can break the no contact rule to communicate.

This brings up an interesting question though.

Can Mary branch out to topics outside of her child?

No, any time she breaks her no contact rule it has to strictly be about her child and that’s it. If she talks about the weather, the amazing game last night or something that reminded her of Mike then that is considered a breach of the no contact rule and you will incur the wrath of me.

And you don’t want to incur my wrath!

Jennifer Chris W-121-X2

(Hey don’t judge, they told us to glare in the picture….)

One last note about no contact with kids before I move on to our next scenario.

You will find that since you are forced to communicate a bit more with your ex during NC in this situation. The chances of having him bring up the past relationship are slightly more likely.

What should you do if this happens?

I am so glad you asked!

Don’t talk about your relationship at all until after the no contact rule.

Again, you can find out how to do this correctly with Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.

So, how do you fend off his questions about your relationship?

Well, you can always refer to the working together section above on one word or brief responses.  Or you can say one of my favorite phrases:

“I am not in the mood to talk about that right now.”

Both are equally effective!

7.  Turn Your Ex Into A Text Gnat (In A Good Way)

This site has becomes famous in underground circles and as a result a lot of the ideas I have presented on it have gone viral.

One of those ideas has been the idea of a text gnat.

What is a text gnat?

Look at the graphic below,

text gnat

The serious of messages above are synonymous with a text gnat.

When women do this to men it is almost equivalent to having an annoying gnat buzz around your head and no matter how many times you try to swat it away it just keeps on buzzing around.

Hence the name, text gnat.

Now, when it comes to Ex Boyfriend Recovery I am usually talking about “text gnats” with regards to crazy women alienating their ex boyfriend.

In fact, I don’t think I have ever talked about crazy men text gnatting women who have done the no contact rule on them.

Gnatting does work both ways after all.

So, what happens if you use the no contact rule on an ex boyfriend and he texts you the following series of text messages seven days into NC?

good gnat

Most experts will have you believe that you should continue your no contact period if this happens.

Well, I am not like most experts.

You have to remember that the main reason that you are doing NC in the first place is to get your ex back and if he is begging for you back you have already won!

You accomplished your goal.

Congratulations!

So, do you break no contact right there and then and have the happy reunion that you so desperately want?

No, don’t get ahead of yourself yet.

Your ex boyfriend would be expected to send some positive gnat messages in one day or over the course of the week for you to break NC off early.

So, if he sends you some text messages (begging for you back) and and perhaps he calls you as well, then that would demonstrate a positive trend  and you can break NC off early to discuss his terms of reinstatement.

What About Negative Gnatting?

Now, you may be sitting there and wondering:

“Chris, what if I have already achieved the “multiple positive actions” but they were all negative?”

Well, if that’s the case then I have some bad news for you.

You won’t be able to end your no contact period early.

Why?

Lets say that your ex boyfriend has sent you ten text messages all with one common theme, they are all negative.

They all look like this:

apike message

If your ex boyfriend tries to send a text message like this to you he is trying to illicit a reaction out of you.

Don’t give it to him.

I liken this to a reaction a child would have if it isn’t getting it’s way.

I mean, we aren’t here to re-enforce bad behavior, we are here to eliminate it.

You wouldn’t give a child who just spilled milk on a $500 rug a cookie, would you?

So, why would you give your ex boyfriend the pleasure of communicating with you if he has just got done fussing or cursing you out?

The only time you get to reward him with the proverbial cookie is if he his positive about wanting you back.

Do you understand!

I am going to go out on a limb here and say you do, so lets move on!

8. The NC Rules About Exchanging Items

give it to me

Another common question I get asked by readers of Ex Boyfriend Recovery is:

“Am I allowed to break the no contact rule if I have to give him his things back.”

Well, there are two categories I would like to divide this section up into.

  1. Him Asking For His Things Back
  2. You Wanting Your Things Back

There are different protocols that have to be put into effect for each of these situations.

Lets start first with him asking for his things back,

What To Do About NC If He Wants His Things Back?

He has kind of forced your hand here if he calls you up one day and asks for his things back.

It is at this point that you are going to be faced with a pretty tough decision if you are already doing the NC rule.

Do you break it and give him his things back?

or

Do you ignore him and contact him after his NC rule?

Remember, our goal with the NC rule isn’t to steal his things and make him so mad that he never talks to you again, which you run the risk of doing if you ignore his attempts to exchange things.

So, here is the protocol that I want you to put in place if he contacts you during your NC period and wants his things back.

Lets say that he texts you with a text saying that he wants his things back.

Well, I want you to respond the following way:

exchange

Notice how short and to the point the texts were.

I want you to act exactly like this on texts and in person.

Short and to the point.

Remember, you are all business and the business in this case is exchange your things.

If he tries to bring up your past relationship you just use some of the tricks I taught you already with the previous situations.

You are just there to give him his things back and that is it.

Any talk about anything else needs to be short and to the point.

(Finding a theme anyone?)

Lets move on to the protocols that are in place if you want your things back.

What To Do In NC If YOU Want Your Things Back From Him

The very first thing you need to determine is how important the things you want back from him are.

For example, if its just a silly toothbrush you left over at his place it would be a little ridiculous if you wanted that back when you could just go to the dollar store and get one for a buck. So, the protocol that is in place here has to do with how important the items you want back are.

A toothbrush…. not so important.

A dog on the other hand…

Well, that is probably worth contacting him and asking him for.

Basically the point I am trying to get at is this.

If you can live without the things that he has then don’t bother breaking NC for them. After all, you can just get them back after the NC rule is completed.

If you do deem the things important enough then you have my permission to break NC for them.

However, the same rules above apply.

Short and to the point!

Frequently Asked Questions About When You Should or Shouldn’t Use the No Contact Rule

1. When can I break the no contact rule? He has been calling me and texting me and I think he is really sorry.

If it has only been a few days, I would caution you about completely breaking away from your plan to allow for some space.  It’s OK to reach out to him to acknowledge his efforts and explain why you need your space.  If he loves you, he will honor your request for privacy.  Depending on the circumstance, you might want to shorten up the period of no contact.  In other situations, a few weeks may have already passed by, so in the event you are getting numerous positive indications from your ex boyfriend, then it wouldn’t be unreasonable to reach out to him in a measured way.

2. Does the No Contact Rule work if you were dumped.  My ex bf made me feel inferior and now he says he wants to talk to me about living up to his standards.  I am afraid to upset him more, but I am not sure if I should give in to him.

In this situation, it makes sense to keep your distance and stay true to your plan to create some space between him and you. At the very least, you need some quality time to heal.  No boyfriend, worth their salt, should treat their ex girlfriend in such a condescending way.  After you invest some time to heal and find yourself again, you may discover you don’t need him or want him back in your life.

3. My ex boyfriend is stubborn to a fault and has in the past insisted I need to respond quickly to his texts.  Will this no contact rule  work on stubborn men or should I just relent and keep answering his messages?

Some men are control freaks and your ex boyfriend seems to want to control your life, even after the breakup.  So this is bordering on toxic behavior and you should embrace the NC rule and put  a lot of space between you and he.  Give your ex a heads up, so he is not surprised.  No doubt he will be unhappy, but it is unwise to enable your ex’s undesirable behavior.

4. What situations does the No Contact Rule accomplish what you need?  I am just torn in half and really don’t know what I want or need from him.

If you are looking for emotional recovery, that is what this concept was founded on.  It is meant to get you out of the jaws of the pain of a breakup and focus you on getting emotionally healthier.  The most important thing for you to accomplish after parting ways with your ex boyfriend is finding yourself again and getting perspective about what is really important.  This principle is intended to get you to that place.

629 thoughts on “When NOT To Use The No Contact Rule On Your Ex Boyfriend”

  1. Avatar

    Sienn

    January 18, 2020 at 2:42 pm

    Hello
    I hope i’ll get an answer here,
    4 years ago i met a boy and we were in a relationship for 2 years, i was 25 and he 26, all was fine and we didn’t have serious problem, we started to talk about marriage till he suddenly migrated to another country and long distance relation didn’t work for us and we broke up after a while. But we were in touch all the time for 2 years and kept our memories and pictures and everything
    Till 8 month ago that i migrated to that country also, we started dating but both of us were kind of angry about past and he was hot and cold and i wasn’t patient, so we started to fighting several times and last time i blocked him for 2 weeks and after when i start to talk with him he was angry but we wanted to make it right till i found out he is meeting someone, after several days he said i wanted to move on to ur place and live with u but because of differences and fights that we had we have to break up, i spoke to him but he said he feels insulted and he had enough which i think the main reason was that new girl, so we broke up and after 1 month i texted and he was too mean to me and he said he moved on, then again after 2 month i texted that we have a little party he can join with our mutual friends and he said im not interested and after a while he and that girl started to private any social media activities and now i dont know if they are dating or not, and from a friend i found out that he was dating that girl last year also but for a couple of months and nothing got serious, and the girl is really different from me and him, she is 7 or 8 year smaller too.
    Everyone who knows us are saying that girl cannot be compared to me from appearance to manner and it’s odd that he is dating her (im not sure they are still do or not) and almost all of friends saying that we will end up together, but what should i do? And do u think there is a chance?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 18, 2020 at 10:30 pm

      Hi Sienn, it is so upsetting knowing your ex is with someone else and I really do feel for you. However there is something we call the being there method that you can use when following this program, but first you MUST complete a No Contact where you are working on yourself and getting over the break up and your ex so that you can be happy again. If you click on this link you can read about the being there method ready for when it is time to reach out to your ex. https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-to-win-back-an-ex-who-is-with-someone-else/

  2. Avatar

    Unknown

    January 15, 2020 at 1:01 pm

    Hi my ex dumped me out the blue after 4 years together & this was our first break up, he did change alot over the last few months we where together & I expect he’s a fearful avoidant we have been broke up 10 weeks now & he’s made zero effert to communicate but does reply coldy If I msg him, I’m finding it hard to not keep in touch it’s been 1 week no contact what’s your advice ? Thanks

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 16, 2020 at 10:30 pm

      Definitely stick to No Contact this time and do not reach out at all because he needs to feel the loss, all you are doing is reassuring him that you are there waiting for him and holding on to hope that you are going to get somewhere with him. Read as many articles from this website and apply the information to your life and your situation. Not reaching out to your ex for a long period of time is going to also give your ex a chance to start missing you as you said you were together for four years, thats going to be a long time before he doesn’t miss you and your company.

  3. Avatar

    Kristin Jarrell

    January 12, 2020 at 8:32 am

    He broke up with me for a girl and if I do 30’days no contact that will be valentines and he’ll have a romantic date with her.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 13, 2020 at 11:51 pm

      Think of it this way, it is just another day! It is not relevant in the long haul of things. Do No Contact and follow the program, besides even if you dont they could still end up on a date. So just have faith in yourself that you are strong enough to do this

  4. Avatar

    Madison

    January 8, 2020 at 8:26 pm

    Me and my boyfriend of 2 years broke up, I cheated on him about 6 months ago, after he found out we still tried to work things out for that time but 2 weeks ago he broke up with me because of that and because of the constant arguing. He told me that he kissed someone after our breakup and I drunk texted him on New Years asking why he had to go kiss her and basically made a fool out of myself and he blocked me. I want him back. All my friends seem to think he will miss me as long as i continue to use the NC rule. He told me he wasn’t happy anymore and doesn’t want to ever get back together. I’m still blocked but only on one social media. i’ve been doing the no contact rule for about 8 days now, i’m wondering how long I should continue and how to start contact after?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 14, 2020 at 6:16 pm

      Hi Madison, so all that information is on this website where you can work out how long you need to do No Contact for. And when it is over what it is you need to do on your first reach out text. So, read some more articles on this page and see what you can find, I suggest that you do a minimum of 45 days No Contact because of the fact you went off on him for kissing someone else enough for him to block you.

  5. Avatar

    Jane

    January 7, 2020 at 11:24 pm

    Hi there,
    My ex bf broke up with me just 3 days ago. It was kind of sudden. We are long distance for most of the year and go to different schools but have been dating for 2+ years and have done extremely well in visiting each other and overall communication about where we both were during different phases of the relationship. Because his decision seemed sudden, I reached out to him yesterday to meet up and talk (for my clarity). He was not opposed and we actually had a very amicable conversation where he explained that he does still have feelings and loves me and still sees his best friend in me but he needs space because he has been realizing that he was spending too much time doing things to make me happy without thinking about himself. We both spoke of how we thought this was it and were so happy with each other. I understand he needs space and didn’t argue the break up but still told him that I have a lot of faith in us and he promised to reach out if his feelings were still there once he had some time alone. He still wants to be friends but right now, I can’t speak to him. I know I should do some amount of no contact but don’t know how long considering the fact that he explained his feelings are still there but he just needs some time. He is taking his mcat in 2 weeks and i know that is creating more stress right now. Should i wish him goodluck? In a month it will be his bday, do i wish him then? How do I go about the no contact while still remaining in his mind enough for him to not lose the feelings.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 11, 2020 at 4:57 am

      So based on how relaxed your break up appeared with out the upset and arguing. You could do a 21 day NC giving that you do the work on your Holy Trinity during that time really well! As in focus and work it. If you are in no contact during his birthday, you do not reach out what so ever. You make him worry that he is losing you by doing this

  6. Avatar

    Amber

    January 6, 2020 at 8:29 am

    Hey guys!
    I just need an answer because I have been researching for hours now and don’t understand what to do. My ex broke up with me a month ago and he was really sure he wanted to too like I knew it was over. Then the next day I texted him about having a break instead and he accepted and then we went on 3 amazing dates then he said he loves me at the last one. Then a couple days after he said he was not interested anymore due to my attitude changing over time compared to when we first met to something he can’t be happy around. So now we broke up again which was 10 days ago. Within these 10 days we talk constantly, were each others #1 best friend on social media (meaning we chat to eachother the most). We have hung out at a social gathering and another time after and got lunch together and chat for 3 hours about life. I could tell he wasn’t interested in me in a romantic way but he makes it seem like he wants to genuinely hang out. So we’re friends. Now that I’m in this situation idk if I been friend zoned and after all this talking and everything it’s a great situation for no contact? I feel as if it’s rude to cut him off completely right after talking to him just then for 3 hours in person about life? Can I still do no contact or have I gone too far and it’s over?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 8, 2020 at 10:56 pm

      Hi Amber, so you have placed yourself in the friendzone by being his friend straight after a break up. Hes told you he does not have romantic feelings for you and he is seeing you as a friend. So you need to change that, you need to pull away from the friendship, spend some time on yourself to get over the initial break up and then start dating other guys casually without getting into anything serious. This is going to reach your ex through social media and mutual friends that you are moving on with your life, he is going to see that others see you in a romantic way. Then when you start talking to him again you need to appear mysterious, you need to have little time to chat because you have to go somewhere with “a friend” and then when you reach a point you are confident you are going to be able to control your emotions and have meet ups, always have those meet ups in settings that could be seen as romantic

  7. Avatar

    Blair

    December 31, 2019 at 2:11 am

    Hi this is Blair again.
    My bf broke up with me a week ago, that day was really nasty, he was being very panic. After three days, we met up and he apologized to me, told me he felt really badly what happened that day breaking up is very bout of the blue.
    Yet he still thinks that we should break up, bc our relationship moved too fast for him that he cannot give a person that much love right now.(he has relationships problem with people) he said he need time to process everything.
    He also mentioned that he really wants to remain friends after a period of time, (we skipped friendship part in the beginning) so that we can restart and see do we really fit each other.
    Here’s the thing, he said: “maybe we should not text each other as much as before for one or two months, or I’ll never move on.”
    Does NC rule work when he said that? Bc it seems that he wants to do nc rule too….

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 3, 2020 at 6:03 am

      Hey Blair, yes it can still work giving that you do the work to become Ungettable in that time and use social media to show how much you’re progressing in your life without your ex around

  8. Avatar

    Sarah

    December 30, 2019 at 9:46 pm

    My ex broke up with me after 8 months together after I got annoyed at him for cancelling seeing me for a fifth time because someone had asked him to do somthing to help them that day. This was arond my birthday and he was trying to please everyone but at the expense of us. He had just started a new job and moved to a new flat after having to stay with his parents during a few months training for the new job. He text me to say he couldnt do it anymore and it was too hard and blocked me days before our disagreement he had still been making plans for me for things to do when he was free from work. A few days later he unblocked me and told me he couldnt see a time when it would be convinient for us and we were bettet off as friends for now. He has since sometimes been replying to my texts and other times completly ignoring me.

  9. Avatar

    Katie

    December 27, 2019 at 11:47 pm

    Hi,

    Me and my ex split up 8 days ago. We had been together 3.5 years. Our relationship had a lot of fighting. It is the first we have split up. However, the split was really amicable.

    He had been living at my parents with me and his dog in one room which definitely strained things. He went from a long relationship to this one quickly also. His reason was he needs time on his own for a while to get his own place sorted, for me to work out what I want. Initially at the break up he was really upset saying loads of times it’s not permanent, even to my family. A few days later he said he “doesnt want a relationship right now, doesnt know when he will be ready and he cant tell me to wait around so if I want to move on I can.” But he has also mentioned that people break up and get back together all the time. So he is open to it.

    He had come over on Christmas day to see my family, we got on very well, chatted after he said the same as above. At that point, I sent him a quick text just saying if he needs anything he knows where I am. I haven’t contacted him since, it’s been 2 days. He has sent me 2 snapchats, related to the dog. Both on the first day.

    I am unsure if to follow NC as it was a friendly split, he has admitted he might get back just not now, it’s our first break up and I do care about the dog also. I dont know if he will contact me, possibly but he might respect that I want space. I wouldnt contact him first just curious that if he contacts me, do I respond?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 30, 2019 at 3:28 pm

      Hi Katie do not respond and keep to a no contact even though your break up was civil you do not want your ex to think you are sat there waiting for him to come back, you need to give him the silence to make him miss you and worry that you are moving on with your life

  10. Avatar

    Blair

    December 23, 2019 at 3:17 pm

    Hello, I really need advice
    We’ve been dating almost a year.
    My bf broke up with me couple days ago, bc I fight him with the same issue again and again…(about his ex). He is very sorry that he fucked up in the beginning. He didn’t cheat on me it’s just something about trust and moving on the past. That day we were going to have sweet date but I mentioned that again and I was crying and a little bit overreacted.
    He said we should break up bc this problem seems that can never be fixed. He was very emotional and said a lot to hurt me, like I love you but I’m not in love with you, I don’t want to marry you, This is just best friend love bla bla bla.
    The most hurt part is, I can truly feel that he loves me a lot but he said this is not romantic love….or wife love at that day…
    How can be those feeling are fake???
    I can’t tell he was just too angry or he really feels like that.
    But today he sent me msg that he hopes me doing well and he’s here if I want to talk. Should I reply to him?? Or stop contact with him at least a week?
    This is the first time we broke up, is this situation fit NC rule?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 23, 2019 at 7:16 pm

      Hi Blair, so you need to do no contact but it needs to be at least 30 days not a week!! Work on yourself in that time and reach out as a friend when your 30 days are up to try and re connect friendly do not bring up the past and you need to work on your insecurities and trust issues so that you do not throw his ex in his face if he has done nothing wrong

  11. Avatar

    Lucy

    December 17, 2019 at 7:04 am

    Help! I need advice… My boyfriend dumped me 8 weeks ago because he said we were drifting, we were together on/off 2 years. We were on good terms when he first dumped me, it wasn’t nasty between us at all, we still spoke almost everyday and were still sleeping together.
    Then he came back 2 weeks later and said he’s so confused and missed me and us and we’d try work it out. 2 weeks after that we had a really bad fight over the phone and he hung up on me. I was so hurt and upset, I sent him this really nasty text message saying I was fed up and done with him, I told him to stay out of my life for good and called him all the names in the book. I didn’t mean any of it, I was just angry. We didn’t talk for a week and then I messaged saying I was sorry and I didn’t want to be done I wanted him back.
    He shut me down straight away and said now he was done. He said it’s different now and we couldn’t come back from this. I did exactly what you’re not meant to do and begged and pleaded for him to take me back and that I was so sorry. It’s been 3 weeks since this and we’ve spoken maybe once a week since then and I have initiated it each time and he’s been quite nasty, saying that I wanted this and he doesn’t feel the same anymore and he just wants to move on.

    I miss him so much but I feel like he’s punishing me. Our relationship had been rocky in the past but never this bad and the last 7 months we were in such a good place. Planning to move in together and booking holidays, we still have a joint account together. I just want him back.
    Is it too late to do the no contact rule on him? It’s been 4 weeks since I sent that message and 3 weeks since he said he wants nothing to do with me. He is just so so angry and refuses to speak to me.
    Please help !!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 22, 2019 at 10:26 am

      Hi Lucy, so giving that you were really angry and hurtful he is going to be hurt for now so this is why you need to do a no contact for 30 days minimum maybe 45 depending on how well you do the ungettable girl work during the 30 days. Let him be hurt and let him get over what you said in his own time. The positive is that you are a on and off again relationship your chances of getting him back are good, staying together is where you need to work on things. You keep breaking up for a reason, you need to find out what it is and face that issue so it does not happen again if you are to get him back this time.

  12. Avatar

    Lorna

    December 12, 2019 at 7:50 am

    Great website! Does this work with men who won’t commit to you?
    I started seeing a man for 4 months and about a month in he told me he didn’t see himself getting serious because he doesn’t see himself marrying me (getting married is what he says his goal is) and there is an age difference between us, he is younger but I’m not that old that i couldn’t give him a family. He still wanted to be friends. We are very attracted to eachother and share common interests as well as an emotional bond although he has so many walls up with everyone and doesn’t trust people in general. He avoidant and has an idealized idea of the perfect woman and finds faults in previous women he dated and i stupidly thought he would see how great i am and stuck around.

    He said he was fine not sleeping together but then would still try his luck. We stopped sleeping together for a bit but then started again. He hasn’t been sleeping with other women as i knew where he was most of the time and I trust he was honest with me but i know he is on dating apps more recently and doesn’t want to be monogamous because he is looking around for something serious elsewhere.

    In that time together we both became the other persons closest friend and would see eachother once a week, we even went away together. He would fluctuate between being cold on dates to the point where it would be dismissive and other times holding my hand and being affectionate.
    I got a bit demanding of attention at one point then took a step back and so did he. Since then he tried to make same day plans only and i started to feel deprioritized so I kept saying no to seeing him. Our last date we planned in advance and it felt very connected and was great as we hadn’t seen eachother for a bit even though we talk a lot. He was very affectionate.

    The next week he didn’t follow through with making plans with me ahead of time even though he said we would hang out but still asked me for a favour that week and I decided i could no longer be a placeholder and that I allowed him to settle into a comfort zone. I called him and we had a nice talk where he pretended he was ok with me taking a step back but I think he was hurt I was leaving. I said i couldn’t continue sleeping with him if we weren’t monogamous and when he said he wanted to be friends and sees me as a good one i told him it was too hurtful for that now and that I’m not sure how i will feel in a while. I told him if he really needs me (he has been depressed this last month) then he could still reach out if he isn’t ok. We left it at that, saying we will see who reaches out first and go from there.

    I’m two weeks into no contact. He sent me a cute animal video last week which I ignored and I believe it was to test my boundaries as they were loose before. When i stopped viewing his instagram stories he stopped viewing mine and immediately unfollowed me the other day after I posted a feed post.

    I’m worried that he will feel betrayed as he is so mistrustful of people and that he won’t want to talk to me after no contact. Also i fear if i do reach out he will think i just want to be friends again and could try and string me along. I don’t know if no contact is worth it or if it’s so unlikely in these situations that I should move on and save myself future rejection, even though I love him. Thank you.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 15, 2019 at 7:21 pm

      Hi Lorna, so as hard as this may be to understand to get a man to commit to you is to make him see that you are appealing to other men, so complete your no contact and work on building your confidence up and start looking at dating new men. Not committing to anyone but casually dating to make your ex see that you are desirable to others, and when he sees that there is a chance that you could meet someone else and not be there waiting for him to commit to you. Read about what it means to be the Ungettable girl and strive towards your version of that

  13. Avatar

    Madison

    December 8, 2019 at 11:10 pm

    Hi, I recently broke up with my ex 3 months ago. after my 2 months of finding myself. I have cheated before like in year 1. Fast forward 3 years later and engaged I broke up with him. During this break, I had sexual encounters with someone else. Then I told him about because I thought weren’t getting back together. Well, Now that I want him back he is talking to someone new and has made a connection with her with similar interests. I was just wondering if I should do the no contact rule? If yes, How long?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 9, 2019 at 5:59 pm

      Hi Madison, so yes you need to do a no contact rule. And in that time you need to read about the being there method so that you can prepare yourself to deal with anything that may develop with this new person

  14. Avatar

    Madison

    December 8, 2019 at 11:04 pm

    Hi, I just bought your ebook. Well, my story is that I broke up with him because I wanted to find myself. Found out all I really wanted was him. We were engaged when I broke up with him. One of the biggest mistakes of my life. So I have cheated on him one like 3 years ago. We moved on from that, well when we were on our break on told him that I was with a guy sexually and he freaked out. Well, when I wanted him back he was already talking to another girl. They seem to have a lot of things in common. I just wanted to know do I do the no contact rule? If so, how long should I do that? I’m scared that he is going to move on

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 8, 2019 at 11:12 pm

      Hi Madison, so you need to do No Contact and it needs to be 30 days minimum, even if he is getting to know another woman you need to show your ex that you are the best version of yourself, read up about the Ungettable Girl

  15. Avatar

    Audrey

    December 7, 2019 at 1:23 am

    Hi Chris,
    So me and my ‘bf’ broke up, we have been ‘together ‘ for just about 3 months then he loses his feelings for me i was really dumb i did no contact for 3 days and he texted me and we chatted cassually he then regained his feelings for me tho i am still pretty scared so for the last months i have been pushing his away hot and cold said i wanted to be friemds and then freak out if he agrees i’m scared to get intimate with him because i’m scared of gettung hurt, now he lost his feelings for me again, i loved him like this its really scary to be fair i was crazy i would say lets not talk anymore then we won’t talk
    then i’ll reach out we never talk cassually that much because well i was obsessed i decided to stick with my guts and stayed no contact with him for as long as i need its been 5 days and well he haven’t talked to me i decided to block him cause i have soo many issues i need to fix it first but i’m scared he’ll be ok without me, he usually texts me every week he never actually commit tho maybe i was too insane but apparently he has girls too he was trying to explore? Idk, but he told me he never felt this way before and while he was with someone he said that he wants to be with me after her and stay with me? This was before any of this mess, oh and recently before i went completely insane with him he saod he miss me i played it cool amd ask if he wants me to move on and he said yes and then again i went insane with him and now i think he is back with his ex i confonted him and he said yes and i played it cool for a moment until he could tell i am ipset and said “don’t do that, lets just talk it out right now” I said “no, don’t want to amd i need a few months time” I previously said i need time to and he still concats me but now he doesn’t, is it hopeless? Can i still get him back?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 9, 2019 at 4:40 pm

      Hi Audrey so it sounds like you have blown hot and cold too many times so what you need to do is complete a proper No Contact for 30 days minimum but the more times you break it the less effective it is. So stick with it this time. Then reach out to him as a friend and start rebuilding your connection slowly

  16. Avatar

    Remy

    December 3, 2019 at 6:39 am

    Hi. So I have had a problem where I tend to “freak out” on my ex as he says it. I have anxiety and especially when it comes to him not wanting to take another chance with me I get major panic attacks. Usually in those moments I tend to text a lot or call and try to get any response if he stops responding. Or yelling and getting more angry than I should in person. Which the last two cases have lead to me getting blocked. I have already done the no contact rule once. Sent the letter and got a positive response. Talked a small amount went out with him one night and he wanted to get back together right away. Then decided he wanted to focuse on himself. Then wanted to be with me again but this time he tested me. He told me the girl he was talking to asked him out and they are together now and wants me to respect that. Up till then I was doing good on the not arguing and not freaking out. But then I completely lost my composure and went into a full blown panic attack. I asked a crap ton of questions and kept pushing about stuff then he told me it was just a test and we argued. And then he stopped answering me. The next day I tried to get him to answer. Many texts, a couple of calls, even used my old Instagram account to try to reach out to him. He blocked me on everything about 2 days ago. I honestly don’t know what to do from here. I told myself and him that I would stop acting like that. I don’t like when I do it either, just as much if not more than him. But idk when I should try to contact him again and what to say where I already used the elephant in the room letter. Where I’m blocked i know I’ll have to do another letter but I’m afraid hell just toss it out and say yeah you’ve said that before. I just don’t know where to go from this point. Please help, I’m so afraid I’ve completely messed everything up and have absolutely no chance now…

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 6, 2019 at 7:30 pm

      Hi Remy, so I advise that you do NOT send a letter this time, I suggest that you actually leave him alone and take some real time in No Contact where you work on yourself, because sadly it seems you have not done so. You need to learn how to control your emotions, and learn how to work through panic attacks, there is help with this so going to speak to your doctor about how the attacks come on and they should refer you to someone who can teach you to not let it take over. While you do not take REAL action to change this behavior I’m afraid you won’t get your ex back and you will do this to the next person you meet too as you are not working through your emotional issues.

  17. Avatar

    Donnah

    December 2, 2019 at 9:11 am

    Hi Chris, I have been in a relationship with this guy for about 6 years. In the first 3 years, we were all over each other and then we started getting differences, he told me he a kid and he’s a moslem.i started losing interest but I loved him cause he’s a good guy and he respected me. He were still looking our ways of making a living, I had just finished compas trying to look for a job and I started giving him less time, so recently he came to and told me he’s been seeing someone that beaches I wasn’t giving him time, I told me he was sorry but it seemed he wasn’t really sorry cause after telling me, I needed my time a lone to process all the information, in that period he went back to that girl when I confronted him, he told me he has lost Interest in me , that we should break up. Actually he wanted us to stay friends. I also told him to that’s break up and stop talking also. But deep down am hurt, I miss him, I fell like am losing vthe love if my life, I feel he’s lost. Do you think the no contact rule will make realize his mistakes and comes back to me? Cause even when he was cheating, he never stopped telling me how he was going to marry me

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 4, 2019 at 9:29 pm

      Hi Doonah, stick to No Contact and take some time for yourself and think about if you can trust him and see a future with him after cheating. If you can then you need to read about being ungettable and the being there method

  18. Avatar

    Leah

    November 28, 2019 at 8:44 pm

    Hey Chris I dunno if you can help me but I’ve been broken up from my partner for 8 months we’ve kept in contact because of our child and have tried on few occasions to make us work and his always like this isn’t going to work after like a week but this time we lasted a month and now his telling me he needs to focus on himself so I suggested the no contact rule and he agreed but am I to late to save our relationship after 3 1/2 years and 4/5 months of being engaged?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 28, 2019 at 9:11 pm

      Hi Leah, so it isnt too late to give this a go but you are going to have to be so strong and strict with yourself keeping to No Contact (limited where you are allowed to discuss your child if it is about shared responsibilities etc) You need to do some work to show him how you are still the woman he fell for and that you are also not sat on the sidelines waiting for him. Which at this point he knows he can have you back anytime he wants from you asking him to try to make it work a few times. So read up on this website about the program and how to follow it. There are also articles when you share a child here too that can be helpful

  19. Avatar

    Sandy

    November 22, 2019 at 2:24 am

    Hey Chris. I read so many of your articles and watched your videos, I hope I can get a response on here. My ex and I are both in our 40‘s. We only dated 4 weeks. We had an instant connection and he wanted to be in a relationship after only 2 weeks. He said he was falling for me (which- according to him never happens. He is the typical bachelor). Shortly after he became very jealous for no reason. We talked about it and everything seemed fine but he stopped making me a priority. After I „complained“ about it, he gave me the silent treatment and I broke up with him, sending him a friendly text, explaining what I wanted from a relationship and that I didn’t think he was ready for it. He didn’t respond. After 10 days I asked for my stuff back. He said he would get back to me but he never did. I’m not sure what to do. You mentioned that the „dumper“ shouldn’t do NC. Do I even have a chance to get him back after only dating him for a few weeks? Thank you for your help!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 24, 2019 at 12:03 am

      Hey Sandy you will definitely give yourself your best chance if you follow the program even though you only dated for a few weeks it just means your no contact only needs to be 21 days and you can reach out as a friend first and try to rebuild your connection with your ex. Good Luck

  20. Avatar

    Kassandra

    November 21, 2019 at 9:25 pm

    A long-distance thing developed when I reconnected with an old friend this summer. We realised we had secret/repressed crushes on each other many years ago when we were at university together. I think that’s why very intense feelings developed very quickly this summer. We live in different European countries. By coincidence I was supposed to visit his country for a business trip this autumn. The plan was to meet and potentially start something. About 6 weeks before we were supposed to meet, he “broke things off” with me. His reason was that things developed too quickly and that he was confused. He didn’t want to put our friendship at risk by being intimate with me. But two days before the break up, both of us confirmed that things were getting more serious than we intended. We were texting each other, so I am not imagining this. With the break up, I asked him if he wanted some distance and if we should have no contact for a while. He didn’t want to have no contact with me and insisted that he still wanted to see me as we had planned, but only as friends. We kept in contact. Three weeks after he “broke up” with me, I asked him why he’d become so distant if we’re still friends. I was continuing the chattiness as we had it before because this is what he said he wanted. He replied saying that all of his feelings for me were gone; this is 3 weeks post-break up. I found it hard to believe that such a deep connection was suddenly gone. I asked him again if he wanted distance and he said no – we’re just friends, we should keep texting and he still wanted to meet me.
    Two weeks later, I did something really stupid. I wrote a message to say that I couldn’t be friends with him after what happened this summer. I told him that I’d unfriend/unfollow everything on social media. I bid him farewell. I regretted it immediately. I frantically re-established contact and wrote him an email saying that I made a big mistake. I think when he saw my farewell message, he blocked me on WhatsApp and social media (because I asked him to do it for us, but then I did it!). But then he replied to my email a couple of hours after. He sounded upset and angry, which is understandable. He said he needed some distance and that he’d get to me when he’s ready. I replied the next morning saying I’d wait for him. Then, when the date we were supposed to meet finally approached, I broke the no contact rule (did I?) and emailed him to ask if he’d still like to meet because I was travelling to his country. I said I’d like to honour our meeting because even he said post-break up he wanted to see me. I suggested we should just we meet for dinner, talk and try to move on from what happened this summer. He replied to my email, sounding like his old self again. But he was quite vague, saying we’d not meet this time around and repeated that he’d write to me. I’m really worried because he hasn’t unblocked me on social media yet. It’s clear he needs to limit our contact now. We can only email each other now.
    My problem is that I don’t believe his feelings suddenly vanished a few weeks before we were supposed to meet. We were so excited to finally see each other and a very deep connection developed between us this summer, all based on our long-standing friendship. I’m trying very hard to believe him when he says he feels nothing for me because I’d like to take what he says for face value and move on. It’s just difficult if my intuition tells me otherwise. None of my friends – male or female – think that his story makes sense. I don’t understand why he needs so much distance now if he knows that he is the one that initially broke my heart.
    What do I do now? It’s now been a month since I did that stupid thing of cutting ties with him. I’d like to trust that he’ll write to me and hopefully soon. He repeated himself with the same wording that he’d get back to me. Knowing him, he’d usually follow through with something like this. But I’m insecure and I’m scared, and I worry that he’ll never write back to me. I don’t want it to be over between us and I don’t want our friendship to be over either. I’ve known him for 20 years and I am scared that this is the end.
    We realised this summer that we’re very invested in each other and that a lot of feelings were dormant for many years. What can I do to get him back? I have the feeling there’s still something between us we could save.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 24, 2019 at 6:33 pm

      Hi Kassandra, so the way to get him back, or at least give yourself your best chance is learning how the process works and following it. Look up posts about being Ungettable and what the No Contact Rule is

1 2 3 15

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.