Ah, the no contact rule! When to use it. When not to use it. And how to use it! That last one is probably the most important thing you need to learn.
Quite frankly, for some situations, when the no contact rule doesn’t work, it’s because how it was used.
Did you know that the NC principle is looked at as a religion here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery. And this is mainly because when you use the No Contact Rule correctly on your ex boyfriend, the results can be amazing for the two of you, particularly for your emotional health.
But there are times when you should NOT use the no contact rule on your boyfriend and if you don’t heed my advice, you may end up causing more damage to the already struggling relationship.
Today we are going to explore why the No Contact Rule does not work for some people and when it does work, what are the necessary conditions that should be in place.
We are also going to take a look at when the no contact rule backfires, how you should handle it. It doesn’t usually happen, but when the NC rule fails, you need to ask yourself why and what you expected to get out of it.
In my book, the No Contact Rule seldom fails if you think about how it can benefit you in so many ways. Remember, it not just about getting your ex boyfriend back. NC plays a huge role in you getting back your confidence, self-esteem, and sense of dignity. Never forget that a big component of this principle is your self recovery!
Should You Use The No Contact Rule or Should You Avoid It Like A Plague!
If you take some time to look around the site you will notice that every single article I have written that is based on the no contact rule has hundreds (and sometimes thousands) of comments from women. And many of these ladies are interested in the “how long” question.
The timing of when you should apply the No Contact Rule for your situation is critical. How long you do it for and whether you can end it sooner than planned are very popular questions.
Often times the comments go something like this:
“Chris, my ex and I broke up last month. Is it still too late to do the no contact rule?”
“Chris, I am trying out the no contact rule but his birthday falls on that date. Am I allowed to wish him a happy birthday. Does that mean I need to end NC, then start it up again?”
or my personal favorite:
“Can you tell me what dictates “breaking” the no contact rule. I think I may have broken it…”
Guess what? If you are asking that then you probably did break it!
7 Situations When You Probably Shouldn’t Use the No Contact Rule on Your Ex Boyfriend
So let’s start first with when you really shouldn’t even try using the NC rule. In fact, it is really less of a rule and more of principle and sometimes it just doesn’t make sense to use this strategy on your ex boyfriend. So let’s discuss seven situations where you should think twice before instituting this concept.
1. The Relationship With Your Ex Boyfriend Has Been Very Lengthy and Successful
When you and your ex have a long history together and you both have been happy with each other, with minimal fights, that would suggest you both have put down some powerful relationship roots. Sure, you might need some space from each other. That approach could be very beneficial. But if you were to implement No Contact fully, it is bound to backfire.
2. You Are Living Together and Have a Child
One of the most challenging things in life is raising a child together at the same time you are trying to work through relationship conflicts. So it is understandable if couples have problems that get magnified because of the stresses in their life. Often these spats and temporary breakups have a very short life. Using the No Contact rule requires evaluating the full scope of what has happened in the past and present and the couple’s prospects for the future. If you have a kid together, I would caution you about doing anything that will create more division. Keeping the communication channel open (even if its limited) is often the best strategy.
3. It Is Your First Breakup With This Guy
Once again, it is important to get a full read of the relationship landscape with your ex boyfriend before you decide to ghost him or just do a radio silence number on him. If this is the first breakup test for the relationship, then you should err on the side of avoiding initiating the No Contact Rule. Whatever led to the collapse of your connection may not be serious enough to go this route. The NC rule is often best used in very toxic situations and unless this falling out has gotten real ugly, just keep this tactic in your pocket. You can always deploy it later if communications are not re-established and things are worsening.
4. Don’t Use No Contact If You are Acting out of Anger
Make no mistake, when you and your boyfriend split up, you are likely going to be mad, possibly really angry. You may feel so bitter that you will immediately seek for a way to teach him a lesson. So what better lesson can you teach your “good for nothing” ex than just never speaking with him again, ever. This is what anger can do to us. It can cause us to to say and do very stupid things. So don’t make a decision as important as this out of passion. It seldom leads anywhere good.
5. Don’t Allow Your Impulsive Nature Cut Your Ex Boyfriend Completely Out of Your Life
When we are upset, we do things impulsively and if your ex bf has disappointed you, there may be a part of you that wants nothing to do with him. You may immediately come to believe that he is not worth having around so cutting your ex out may come easy at first. So when the no contact rule doesn’t work because you were impulsive, don’t be surprised because you are doing it for the wrong reasons and in the wrong way.
6. If You Initiated The Breakup With You Ex, Think Twice About Using No Contact
While the NC rule has great applicability to many situations, it is probably gets the least results when you are the one that initiated the breakup and dumped your ex boyfriend. He already feels rejected and signing up for a long period of no communications of any kind with him is likely not going to help your cause. This is very much the case if you are sure you want him back. Now if you left him because things were toxic, then putting some space and distance between the two of you may be called for. But never think that no contact should always immediately follow a breakup. It may not be called for at all or a form of limited contact may be in order.
7. If You Are Uncertain and Have Serious Doubts About The Breakup, Then Take A Time Out
It may be that you are really unsure about what has transpired. Both you and your ex bf may be seriously questioning whether this breakup is the real deal. Maybe you just needed a day or two to emotionally reset. Sometimes, just giving each other some space for a few days, then slowly resuming contact is a wiser course of action.
10 Situations Where Using the No Contact Rule Makes A lot of Sense
Let’s now talk about those cases in which it makes a lot of sense to seriously consider implementing the NC rule. So while not every one of these situations will necessarily result in the you implementing the principle, more often that not, it will do you good in these situations.
- Your ex boyfriend left you and made it clear it was over and claims he doesn’t want to see you again.
- You discovered that your ex bf was cheating on you.
- The relationship with your boyfriend has been toxic in many ways and this has been going on for several months.
- You and your boyfriend have experienced a series of breakups and the relationships seems to be getting worse.
- Your ex has been emotionally abusive and then dumped you in the cruelest way.
- You feel very unhappy and have yet to recover from the pain of the breakup and your ex bf has given you zero support.
- Its been a few weeks already with no sign of your ex boyfriend showing any interest in you.
- You find yourself in a cycle of constantly texting him and he has yet to respond to any of your texts.
- Your boyfriend has specifically asked you that he needs space and has shown signs of pulling away from the relationship.
- You boyfriend did something from each of the above, in which case go directly into NC and forget about him.
Dispelling 5 Top Myths About Using the No Contact Rule
For all the years I have been doing this, I have had to dispel a lot of rumors about the No Contact Rule and what it is used for and how it works and what it can and can’t do for you. So let’s talk about the top 5 myths surrounding the NC rule.
1. It Always Works
While implementing this principle can do so many positive things for you, it cannot guarantee your ex boyfriend will come running back to you. First of all, it’s hard to implement, so while the idea of the concept is solid, it is not easy for people to follow its guidelines perfectly. And even it you did everything right, making all the right decisions along the way, you can still be left wondering what happened with what you thought was the dream man for your life.
2. The No Contact Rule Is All About Getting Your Ex To Come Back To You
This may be one of the biggest myths of them all. It turns out, using NC rule to get him back is probably the least impactful thing about this principle. The part that I believe can have positive life changing consequences is the self recovery process. Learning more about who you are and what you want and picking yourself up and loving yourself fully and becoming the Ungettable Girl…these are just a few of the self recovery aspects associated with the No Contact Rule.
3. It Always Makes Him Miss You
While it certainly can make your man miss you and think about you constantly, it is not solely designed to do this. And sometimes, it falls short of this expectation. Instead of missing you, your ex could be out there just partying it up. And the more he feels ignored, the more he is going to show you how he doesn’t need you. This can happen, though it is not often that men behave in this way. Indeed, if your ex boyfriend is incapable of truly missing you, then it shows he either doesn’t value you or is just a rotten kind of guy.
4. Once You Start It You Can’t Break It
This is of course is a big fallacy. The way I see it, the no contact rule is best employed when it can be adapted for each individual situation. Sometimes it works to modify your approach, breaking your code of silence, if the right circumstances present themselves. I discuss this at length in my ebook The No Contact Rule Book!
5. It Has To Be 30 Days Long
No it doesn’t. Your No Contact period can be any number of days, though I have found the best results when it runs 21 to 45 days. But there have been times when I recommended 14 days or just get away from each other for a few days. So there is no magic number that you must adhere to at all costs.
Why Is This NC Rule So Confusing and Complicated!
The no contact rule is a relatively simple idea at first, but gets progressively more complex as you peel the layers back.
For example, the general premise of the no contact rule states that you are supposed to ignore an ex in just about every way for 21-45 days straight.
(Note: The length of the no contact rule can be modified, but I like to recommend a 30 day rule for most folks!)
It’s a simple idea, right?
I mean, you just carve out a block of time and ignore him.
Simple as that!
Umm…. actually it’s not that easy.
What if you find yourself in the following situations?
- You Live With An Ex
- You Go To Work or School With Him
- You Share Children Together
- HE Becomes A Text Gnat And Seems Unstable
- He Wants To Pick Up His Things (Or You Need To From Him)
All of a sudden this really easy idea becomes quite complicated.
So what I am going to do next is teach you exactly what to do in all of the above situations.
Hint Hint… You cannot always do a strict no contact rule.
8 Must Know Rules Of Using No Contact Rule In The Proper Way
When I first started Ex Boyfriend Recovery I was very cerebral in my thinking.
In other words, I was book smart but I wasn’t street smart.
As a result, the advice I gave women was good, but it could have been better as I hadn’t seen enough cases to evaluate all the possibilities. Now that I am several years into dealing with breakups, I can honestly say that the advice I offer now isn’t only better but it’s more complete and informative.
You often hear the ex recovery experts out there preach the strictness that goes along with the no contact rule.
What do I mean by that?
“Make sure you DO NOT break the no contact rule under any circumstances.”
I was actually guilty of this in the very early days.
Well, I will say this about my advice in those instances.
I was mostly right, but not right along the margins.
There are some instances where holding true to the no contact rule is a bad idea. In other words, you have to bend the no contact rule a little bit to suit your needs.
1. Recognize There Are Complexities In Getting An Ex Back
How often have you heard me say this phrase?
“No two “ex” situations are alike.”
There has probably never been a truer phrase that I have muttered in my time on this earth than that phrase above.
In all my years doing this the one big epiphany I have had is that every situation I encounter is unique and may require different tactics to succeed. Heck, there are some situations that are doomed to fail no matter what you do.
This upsets me because I honestly just want to help everyone who needs it and the thought that I might fail you at times is disheartening.
So, I guess I am fighting a losing battle in that sense since this is such a complex process.
Nevertheless, I am all about improving YOUR odds so you can succeed in the end and I intend on searching for answers for the rest of my life if I have to, to improve your odds dramatically.
Here is what I have picked up in my “journey” so far.
Getting an ex boyfriend back is one of the most challenging processes and is reliant on many factors that are difficult to predict.
You are attempting to do one of the more difficult things on earth!
Changing a man’s mind that is already made up.
And the no contact rule may be the best ammunition you have for this fight. So what happens when you are faced with a situation where you can’t do the no contact rule or you are not sure how it will work in your situation?
Do you just give up?
I think not. You recognize the challenge and roll up your sleeves and get the best information available and get to work.
2. The Secret To Making No Contact Work Is About Adaptation and Perseverance
If you want to persevere with the no contact rule in a situation where it looks like you won’t get far, then you have to be willing to adapt.
You see, adaptation is your key to success.
It is the thing that sets the unsuccessful women apart from those ladies who are able to rebuild the connection with their ex boyfriend.
Well, that and the fact that the women who actually listen to my advice always seem to do better in the end as well!
Below I have compiled a list of the most common situations where no contact seems impossible,
- You Live With An Ex
- You Go To Work or School With Him
- You Share Children Together
- HE Becomes A Text Gnat And Seems Unstable
- He Wants To Pick Up His Things (Or You Need To From Him)
Most women who are faced with these situations fail because they think that utilizing the no contact rule is impossible. What they fail to realize is that this concept is not impossible. Indeed, it is almost necessary for most given its many benefits. It just simply requires a few adaptations for some.
So, what I am going to do for you is go through each of these situations one by one and explain the adaptations, alterations and tweaks that I recommend for each situation.
Sound like a plan?
Good, because that leads to our 3rd must know lesson!
3. How To Handle NC When You Live With Your Ex Boyfriend
It’s kind of hard to implement not talking, texting, or communicating in any way with your ex if your significant other lives with you.
So, rather than admitting defeat and just scrapping the no contact rule you should abide by the follow rules if you find yourself in this situation,
- Don’t initiate any conversations unless absolutely necessary
- If he instigates a conversation about your job or some other topic, just be somewhat pleasant, but don’t linger in a conversation too long.
- Any chance you get you should end the conversation, particularly if he started it. Don’t do it abruptly, just fade out of the convo.
What is the point of doing this?
He needs to feel like there is a definite difference between the normal you that he is so used to and the post breakup you.
Now, you may be wondering where I came up with these rules.
Well, the truth is that I came up with them as a result of my wife.
Allow me to explain.
Obviously my wife and I live together, so we have become pretty used to each other.
We both know what each other is like when we are in good moods, bad moods and eh moods.
If I notice that my wife is really quiet or non responsive,then I immediately think to myself:
“I wonder what’s wrong?”
It is at this point that I pry and probe:
“Hey, is everything ok?”
Usually I will get a candid sounding response like:
“Yup, everything is fine.”
Now, do I believe her?
Because I am used to her normal behavior and her normal behavior isn’t quiet and distant. Rather it’s bubbly and talkative.
So, what do you think I do next?
Well, much to her annoyance I try to start fixing a problem that I have no knowledge of. This puts me in a position where I am chasing her trying to gain her approval. It is a position that many of the women on this site would love to see their ex boyfriends do.
This is why, when you live with your ex, you need to show them that things aren’t OK. That the relationship is not in a good place. That things between the two of you are far from optimal.
There definitely has to be some type of difference between you before and after the breakup if you live together in order to coax out some potential solutions. Though admittedly, this is short term tactic because it is very difficult for a couple to remain together, living under the same roof, if they are still in breakup mode.
4. Make the No Contact Period A Problem or Challenge Your Ex Boyfriend Must Solve
I am not a construction expert.
I haven’t built a house and I don’t know how to fix cars.
But, as a man, I like to think I do.
There is no way in hell that I would ever be able to, but I like to think I can.
So, when it comes to putting things together, I am always the first person in line to attempt it. For example, I recently put together a TV stand for a new TV I bought. The idea of solving a problem like putting together a new stand was very intriguing to me.
5 hours later… it wasn’t so intriguing.
(Seriously, it took me 5 hours.)
Here is my point, I am a man and I like to solve problems. It makes me feel accomplished and smart.
This principle isn’t just true of physical problems like putting together a TV stand.
It is also true of emotional ones like trying to figure out what is bothering my wife and helping people in their darkest moments when it comes to relationships (Ex Boyfriend Recovery.)
This isn’t a trait that I just have.
ALL MEN like to solve problems, they just don’t always know it.
So, the idea behind the no contact rule (like the situation above while living together) is to give your ex a problem to solve so you can position him in an area where he is going to be forced to gain your approval to fix the problem.
Here’s a quick recap of how you are supposed to use no contact to do that (if you live together.)
5. How Does NC Rules Work If You Go To Work Or School With Him
This is another one of those situations where you can’t really use the no contact rule in the fullest way you would prefer.
However, what am I teaching you in this article?
Just because you can’t use it fully, doesn’t mean you can’t adapt it to your advantage.
So, how do we alter the no contact rule to our advantage in these cases.
Well, before we get to that I think it is important to mention that work and school are two different entities and within those entities are different challenges.
What the heck do I mean by that?
Lets take work as an example.
There are different types of work. For example, if you have a summer job where you work with your ex then that isn’t going to be the same as having a career where you are going to see your ex boyfriend five days a week.
School also has different entities associated with it
High school versus college for example.
So, what I would like to do now is take these different entities and explain how the no contact rule has to be altered to fit the needs of each individual situation.
Before I get started I am going to give you a quick run down on topics I will be covering and how No Contact Rule might work for each of these.
- High School
- Part Time Job
Lets start with school first!
How Do You Implement the No Contact Rule If You Are In School School Together?
In my opinion the differences between high school and college present a big enough difference to warrant a divide.
So, obviously I am going to be talking about the changes you have to make during your period of no contact in each of these cases.
Lets start with high school.
NC If You Are In High School
High school has it’s advantages and disadvantages.
Lets focus on the negative first.
The biggest disadvantage that follows high school is the fact that your opportunity to see your ex boyfriend is higher than it would be in college. With college you are often running from building to building, taking different classes. With high school, while you may be taking different classes, you may be in the same building a lot of the time.
Now, an advantage that goes along with the no contact rule in high school is the fact that I haven’t met many high school students who have been able to successfully implement it. So, your ex boyfriend won’t know what hit him when you do try it on him. He may just think you are acting unusually cold which really doesn’t serve your purposes. There is little mystery to what is happening.
So, how do you navigate a NC situation if you go to high school with him?
Simple, avoid him as much as possible but don’t be obvious about it. If he tracks you down or if you are forced to talk to him make sure you aren’t rude to him. Dazzle your ex boyfriend with kindness they say. The no contact rule isn’t about being mean (though some aspects of it may seem that way.) Our goal here isn’t to alienate him enough to where he hates you.
So, what do you do if he walks up to you in class and asks you why you are ignoring him?
I want you to look at him with a smile and repeat the following,
The smile is the important part so don’t forget that. Maybe even a hug. That will throw him off too!
You want to be short with him but not mean which is actually a pretty hard thing to accomplish if you think about it because we automatically assume that someone is mad with us if they are short with us.
That is actually why having a pleasant and happy demeanor is so important.
Anyway, other than the situations where you are forced to communicate with him, the no contact rule pretty much remains the same.
Don’t contact him..
Don’t respond to him…
Do this for 30 days and then you can begin the process outlined in The No Contact Rule Book.
Lets turn our attention to college.
How Does it Work If You Are In College?
What is the main difference between an ex in college versus one in high school?
An ex boyfriend who you have dated through college has probably seen more when it comes to relationships and you have to use this to your advantage.
So, what happens to men when they have seen a lot in relationships?
They get paranoid.
Let me give you an example.
A man who was in a relationship with a girl who cheated on him is most likely going to be paranoid that his next girlfriend will do the same to him.
Use his paranoia to your advantage.
How do you do that?
Since you are in college I am going to assume that you are going to be taking a class together.
So, lets say that you walk into class one day and you completely ignore your ex and you start talking to some other guy that sits near you.
You lightly touch this new guy…
You laugh at his jokes…
But most importantly it’s not obvious what you are doing.
It seems natural.
Trust me when I say that your ex is going to take notice.
Especially if it’s right after the breakup.
What’s the point of doing this?
It’s to serve as a gentle reminder at what he’s losing out on and boy is it effective if you can pull it off.
Again, if he tries to talk to you apply the same rules as above in that you are pleasant but very short.
Also, one thing I forgot to mention above was the fact that the second he gives you an opportunity to exit the conversation you take it.
You do this for 30 days straight and then attempt to get him back via the methods in PRO.
How Does No Contact Work If you Work Together?
There are a lot of women who visit this site that wonder what they should do with regards to the no contact rule if they work with their ex. In fact, I received a voice mail today for my new podcast, The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast asking this very question (EBR 009 if you are interested.)
A lot of the rules for work are similar to school but there are a few minor differences.
But before we get into that lets take a look at the two different categories of work,
- Part Time Jobs
Lets start with number one!
Part Time Jobs and NC
I look at this as any type of job that you won’t see your ex five days a week like you would with a career.
Think of a summer job for a kid in high school or just a job on the side to pick up some extra cash.
The biggest positive that goes along with a part time job is that the job only requires some of your time so it makes the no contact rule slightly more effective because you won’t have to see your ex all the time.
Again, the same rules apply as above (upbeat, positive, short, exit the conversation the first chance you get.)
There really isn’t anything much to add here. Just treat a part time job like you would a college NC alteration.
Where things get really interesting is in careers.
That is where you have to make some serious alterations to the no contact rule.
Careers and NC
A career is a job that you will be at for many years and it is looked at as a full time job where you will have to see your ex boyfriend a minimum of five days a week.
Obviously doing the no contact rule at work is going to be extremely tough, so you are going to have to adopt a form of limited contact.
In other words, the rules of no contact still apply but since you are going to be forced to talk with your ex (since you see him 5 days a week) you are going to have to figure out exactly how to approach conversations with him.
I like recommending keeping things strictly about business.
In other words, if you worked at a balloon shop:
(Hey, I am trying to keep things interesting don’t hate.)
If you worked at a balloon shop then try to keep all forced conversations about balloons. In the unlikely case he brings up your relationship be short with him. Work and relationship talk during this breakup phase rarely mix well. So avoid it.
One word or brief answers work wonders here.
However, you need to be very careful in how you communicate.
- If you look depressed, angry and sad then your one word answer is going to be taken as negative.
- If you look happy, upbeat and bubbly then your one word answer is going to be taken more positive and maybe perplexing
This is the important part.
Brief answers are indicative of when something is wrong.
YOU WANT THIS!
You want it in a positive manner (hence the happy, upbeat and positive stuff I said above) but you also want him to think in the back of his head:
“Hey there is a problem with her.”
Remember what I said above about men wanting to fix problems?
Yup, this plays right into that.
Also, really work hard to sprinkle some jealousy into the environment. The combination of these can be very powerful during limited contact.
6. How Does the No Contact Rule Work If You Share Children Together?
Another situation that I would like to talk about today is if you have children together.
Obviously you can’t do the no contact rule if you have to communicate with your ex over the kids.
So, what alterations do you need to make in this instance?
Lets give an example to further explore what should be done.
Mary and Mike have one child together and they just broke up. Mary took the child and is living with her parents right now. She would also like to use the no contact rule on Mike but she isn’t sure on how to approach it when she has to communicate with him over their child.
What should she do?
Well, lets look at her situation this way.
Can she still use the no contact rule on Mike?
In some aspects she can.
She is living with her parents so she can use the no contact rule in some respects with not contacting and seeing her ex.
But what if he sends her this text message one day?
Obviously, Jake is the child that Mike and Mary share.
So, what should Mary do?
Should her child suffer the wrath of no contact?
Of course not.
No, in this case Mary is allowed to break the no contact rule to talk about topics concerning the child.
As long as it’s about Jake (the child) Mary can break the no contact rule to communicate.
This brings up an interesting question though.
Can Mary branch out to topics outside of her child?
No, any time she breaks her no contact rule it has to strictly be about her child and that’s it. If she talks about the weather, the amazing game last night or something that reminded her of Mike then that is considered a breach of the no contact rule and you will incur the wrath of me.
And you don’t want to incur my wrath!
(Hey don’t judge, they told us to glare in the picture….)
One last note about no contact with kids before I move on to our next scenario.
You will find that since you are forced to communicate a bit more with your ex during NC in this situation. The chances of having him bring up the past relationship are slightly more likely.
What should you do if this happens?
I am so glad you asked!
Don’t talk about your relationship at all until after the no contact rule.
Again, you can find out how to do this correctly with Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.
So, how do you fend off his questions about your relationship?
Well, you can always refer to the working together section above on one word or brief responses. Or you can say one of my favorite phrases:
“I am not in the mood to talk about that right now.”
Both are equally effective!
7. Turn Your Ex Into A Text Gnat (In A Good Way)
This site has becomes famous in underground circles and as a result a lot of the ideas I have presented on it have gone viral.
One of those ideas has been the idea of a text gnat.
What is a text gnat?
Look at the graphic below,
The serious of messages above are synonymous with a text gnat.
When women do this to men it is almost equivalent to having an annoying gnat buzz around your head and no matter how many times you try to swat it away it just keeps on buzzing around.
Hence the name, text gnat.
Now, when it comes to Ex Boyfriend Recovery I am usually talking about “text gnats” with regards to crazy women alienating their ex boyfriend.
In fact, I don’t think I have ever talked about crazy men text gnatting women who have done the no contact rule on them.
Gnatting does work both ways after all.
So, what happens if you use the no contact rule on an ex boyfriend and he texts you the following series of text messages seven days into NC?
Most experts will have you believe that you should continue your no contact period if this happens.
Well, I am not like most experts.
You have to remember that the main reason that you are doing NC in the first place is to get your ex back and if he is begging for you back you have already won!
You accomplished your goal.
So, do you break no contact right there and then and have the happy reunion that you so desperately want?
No, don’t get ahead of yourself yet.
Your ex boyfriend would be expected to send some positive gnat messages in one day or over the course of the week for you to break NC off early.
So, if he sends you some text messages (begging for you back) and and perhaps he calls you as well, then that would demonstrate a positive trend and you can break NC off early to discuss his terms of reinstatement.
What About Negative Gnatting?
Now, you may be sitting there and wondering:
“Chris, what if I have already achieved the “multiple positive actions” but they were all negative?”
Well, if that’s the case then I have some bad news for you.
You won’t be able to end your no contact period early.
Lets say that your ex boyfriend has sent you ten text messages all with one common theme, they are all negative.
They all look like this:
If your ex boyfriend tries to send a text message like this to you he is trying to illicit a reaction out of you.
Don’t give it to him.
I liken this to a reaction a child would have if it isn’t getting it’s way.
I mean, we aren’t here to re-enforce bad behavior, we are here to eliminate it.
You wouldn’t give a child who just spilled milk on a $500 rug a cookie, would you?
So, why would you give your ex boyfriend the pleasure of communicating with you if he has just got done fussing or cursing you out?
The only time you get to reward him with the proverbial cookie is if he his positive about wanting you back.
Do you understand!
I am going to go out on a limb here and say you do, so lets move on!
8. The NC Rules About Exchanging Items
Another common question I get asked by readers of Ex Boyfriend Recovery is:
“Am I allowed to break the no contact rule if I have to give him his things back.”
Well, there are two categories I would like to divide this section up into.
- Him Asking For His Things Back
- You Wanting Your Things Back
There are different protocols that have to be put into effect for each of these situations.
Lets start first with him asking for his things back,
What To Do About NC If He Wants His Things Back?
He has kind of forced your hand here if he calls you up one day and asks for his things back.
It is at this point that you are going to be faced with a pretty tough decision if you are already doing the NC rule.
Do you break it and give him his things back?
Do you ignore him and contact him after his NC rule?
Remember, our goal with the NC rule isn’t to steal his things and make him so mad that he never talks to you again, which you run the risk of doing if you ignore his attempts to exchange things.
So, here is the protocol that I want you to put in place if he contacts you during your NC period and wants his things back.
Lets say that he texts you with a text saying that he wants his things back.
Well, I want you to respond the following way:
Notice how short and to the point the texts were.
I want you to act exactly like this on texts and in person.
Short and to the point.
Remember, you are all business and the business in this case is exchange your things.
If he tries to bring up your past relationship you just use some of the tricks I taught you already with the previous situations.
You are just there to give him his things back and that is it.
Any talk about anything else needs to be short and to the point.
(Finding a theme anyone?)
Lets move on to the protocols that are in place if you want your things back.
What To Do In NC If YOU Want Your Things Back From Him
The very first thing you need to determine is how important the things you want back from him are.
For example, if its just a silly toothbrush you left over at his place it would be a little ridiculous if you wanted that back when you could just go to the dollar store and get one for a buck. So, the protocol that is in place here has to do with how important the items you want back are.
A toothbrush…. not so important.
A dog on the other hand…
Well, that is probably worth contacting him and asking him for.
Basically the point I am trying to get at is this.
If you can live without the things that he has then don’t bother breaking NC for them. After all, you can just get them back after the NC rule is completed.
If you do deem the things important enough then you have my permission to break NC for them.
However, the same rules above apply.
Short and to the point!
Frequently Asked Questions About When You Should or Shouldn’t Use the No Contact Rule
1. When can I break the no contact rule? He has been calling me and texting me and I think he is really sorry.
If it has only been a few days, I would caution you about completely breaking away from your plan to allow for some space. It’s OK to reach out to him to acknowledge his efforts and explain why you need your space. If he loves you, he will honor your request for privacy. Depending on the circumstance, you might want to shorten up the period of no contact. In other situations, a few weeks may have already passed by, so in the event you are getting numerous positive indications from your ex boyfriend, then it wouldn’t be unreasonable to reach out to him in a measured way.
2. Does the No Contact Rule work if you were dumped. My ex bf made me feel inferior and now he says he wants to talk to me about living up to his standards. I am afraid to upset him more, but I am not sure if I should give in to him.
In this situation, it makes sense to keep your distance and stay true to your plan to create some space between him and you. At the very least, you need some quality time to heal. No boyfriend, worth their salt, should treat their ex girlfriend in such a condescending way. After you invest some time to heal and find yourself again, you may discover you don’t need him or want him back in your life.
3. My ex boyfriend is stubborn to a fault and has in the past insisted I need to respond quickly to his texts. Will this no contact rule work on stubborn men or should I just relent and keep answering his messages?
Some men are control freaks and your ex boyfriend seems to want to control your life, even after the breakup. So this is bordering on toxic behavior and you should embrace the NC rule and put a lot of space between you and he. Give your ex a heads up, so he is not surprised. No doubt he will be unhappy, but it is unwise to enable your ex’s undesirable behavior.
4. What situations does the No Contact Rule accomplish what you need? I am just torn in half and really don’t know what I want or need from him.
If you are looking for emotional recovery, that is what this concept was founded on. It is meant to get you out of the jaws of the pain of a breakup and focus you on getting emotionally healthier. The most important thing for you to accomplish after parting ways with your ex boyfriend is finding yourself again and getting perspective about what is really important. This principle is intended to get you to that place.