Ah, the no contact rule!  When to use it.  When not to use it. And how to use it!  That last one is probably the most important thing you need to learn.

Quite frankly, for some situations, when the no contact rule doesn’t work, it’s because how it was used.

Did you know that the NC principle is looked at as a religion here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.  And this is mainly because when you use the No Contact Rule correctly on your ex boyfriend, the results can be amazing for the two of you, particularly for your emotional health.

But there are times when you should NOT use the no contact rule on your boyfriend and if you don’t heed my advice, you may end up causing more damage to the already struggling relationship.

Today we are going to explore why the No Contact Rule does not work for some people and when it does work, what are the necessary conditions that should be in place.

We are also going to take a look at when the no contact rule backfires, how you should handle it. It doesn’t usually happen, but when the NC rule fails, you need to ask yourself why and what you expected to get out of it.

In my book, the No Contact Rule seldom fails if you think about how it can benefit you in so many ways.  Remember, it not just about getting your ex boyfriend back.  NC plays a huge role in you getting back your confidence, self-esteem, and sense of dignity.  Never forget that a big component of this principle is your self recovery!

Should You Use The No Contact Rule or Should You Avoid It Like A Plague!

If you take some time to look around the site you will notice that every single article I have written that is based on the no contact rule has hundreds (and sometimes thousands) of comments from women.  And many of these ladies are interested in the “how long” question.

The timing of when you should apply the No Contact Rule for your situation is critical.  How long you do it for and whether you can end it sooner than planned are very popular questions.

Often times the comments go something like this:

“Chris, my ex and I broke up last month.  Is it still too late to do the no contact rule?”

or

“Chris, I am trying out the no contact rule but his birthday falls on that date. Am I allowed to wish him a happy birthday.  Does that mean I need to end NC, then start it up again?”

or my personal favorite:

“Can you tell me what dictates “breaking” the no contact rule. I think I may have broken it…”

Guess what? If you are asking that then you probably did break it!

7 Situations When You Probably Shouldn’t Use the No Contact Rule on Your Ex Boyfriend

So let’s start first with when you really shouldn’t even try using the NC rule.  In fact, it is really less of a rule and more of principle and sometimes it just doesn’t make sense to use this strategy on your ex boyfriend.  So let’s discuss seven situations where you should think twice before instituting this concept.

1. The Relationship With Your Ex Boyfriend Has Been Very Lengthy and Successful

When you and your ex have a long history together and you both have been happy with each other, with minimal fights, that would suggest you both have put down some powerful relationship roots.  Sure, you might need some space from each other.  That approach could be very beneficial.  But if you were to implement No Contact fully, it is bound to backfire.

2. You Are Living Together and Have a Child

One of the most challenging things in life is raising a child together at the same time you are trying to work through relationship conflicts.  So it is understandable if couples have problems that get magnified because of the stresses in their life.  Often these spats and temporary breakups have a very short life.  Using the No Contact rule requires evaluating the full scope of what has happened in the past and present and the couple’s prospects for the future.  If you have a kid together, I would caution you about doing anything that will create more division.  Keeping the communication channel open (even if its limited) is often the best strategy.

3. It Is Your First Breakup With This Guy

Once again, it is important to get a full read of the relationship landscape with your ex boyfriend before you decide to ghost him or just do a radio silence number on him.  If this is the first breakup test for the relationship, then you should err on the side of avoiding initiating the No Contact Rule.  Whatever led to the collapse of your connection may not be serious enough to go this route.  The NC rule is often best used in very toxic situations and unless this falling out has gotten real ugly, just keep this tactic in your pocket.  You can always deploy it later if communications are not re-established and things are worsening.

4. Don’t Use No Contact If You are Acting out of Anger

Make no mistake, when you and your boyfriend split up, you are likely going to be mad, possibly really angry.  You may feel so bitter that you will immediately seek for a way to teach him a lesson.  So what better lesson can you teach your “good for nothing” ex than just never speaking with him again, ever.  This is what anger can do to us.  It can cause us to to say and do very stupid things.  So don’t make a decision as important as this out of passion.  It seldom leads anywhere good.

5. Don’t Allow Your Impulsive Nature Cut Your Ex Boyfriend Completely Out of Your Life

When we are upset, we do things impulsively and if your ex bf has disappointed you, there may be a part of you that wants nothing to do with him.  You may immediately come to believe that he is not worth having around so cutting your ex out may come easy at first.  So when the no contact rule doesn’t work because you were impulsive, don’t be surprised because you are doing it for the wrong reasons and in the wrong way.

6. If You Initiated The Breakup With You Ex, Think Twice About Using No Contact

While the NC rule has great applicability to many situations, it is probably gets the least results when you are the one that initiated the breakup and dumped your ex boyfriend.  He already feels rejected and signing up for a long period of no communications of any kind with him is likely not going to help your cause.  This is very much the case if you are sure you want him back.   Now if you left him because things were toxic, then putting some space and distance between the two of you may be called for.  But never think that no contact should always immediately follow a breakup.  It may not be called for at all or a form of limited contact may be in order.

7. If You Are Uncertain and Have Serious Doubts About The Breakup, Then Take A Time Out

It may be that you are really unsure about what has transpired.  Both you and your ex bf may be seriously questioning whether this breakup is the real deal.  Maybe you just needed a day or two to emotionally reset.  Sometimes, just giving each other some space for a few days, then slowly resuming contact is a wiser course of action.

Get the Fairy Tale Feeling Back Again With Our Step By Step Guide To Getting Your Ex Back

Learn More

10 Situations Where Using the No Contact Rule Makes A lot of Sense

Let’s now talk about those cases in which it makes a lot of sense to seriously consider implementing the NC rule.   So while not every one of these situations will necessarily result in the you implementing the principle, more often that not, it will do you good in these situations.

  1. Your ex boyfriend left you and made it clear it was over and claims he doesn’t want to see you again.
  2. You discovered that your ex bf was cheating on you.
  3. The relationship with your boyfriend has been toxic in many ways and this has been going on for several months.
  4. You and your boyfriend have experienced a series of breakups and the relationships seems to be getting worse.
  5. Your ex has been emotionally abusive and then dumped you in the cruelest way.
  6. You feel very unhappy and have yet to recover from the pain of the breakup and your ex bf has given you zero support.
  7. Its been a few weeks already with no sign of your ex boyfriend showing any interest in you.
  8. You find yourself in a cycle of constantly texting him and he has yet to respond to any of your texts.
  9. Your boyfriend has specifically asked you that he needs space and has shown signs of pulling away from the relationship.
  10.  You boyfriend did something from each of the above, in which case go directly into NC and forget about him.

Dispelling 5 Top Myths About Using the No Contact Rule

For all the years I have been doing this, I have had to dispel a lot of rumors about the No Contact Rule and what it is used for and how it works and what it can and can’t do for you.  So let’s talk about the top 5 myths surrounding the NC rule.

1. It Always Works

While implementing this principle can do so many positive things for you, it cannot guarantee your ex boyfriend will come running back to you.  First of all, it’s hard to implement, so while the idea of the concept is solid, it is not easy for people to follow its guidelines perfectly. And even it you did everything right, making all the right decisions along the way, you can still be left wondering what happened with what you thought was the dream man for your life.

2. The No Contact Rule Is All About Getting Your Ex To Come Back To You

This may be one of the biggest myths of them all.  It turns out, using NC rule to get him back is probably the least impactful thing about this principle.  The part that I believe can have positive life changing consequences is the self recovery process.  Learning more about who you are and what you want and picking yourself up and loving yourself fully and becoming the Ungettable Girl…these are just a few of the self recovery aspects associated with the No Contact Rule.

3. It Always Makes Him Miss You

While it certainly can make your man miss you and think about you constantly, it is not solely designed to do this.  And sometimes, it falls short of this expectation.  Instead of missing you, your ex could be out there just partying it up.  And the more he feels ignored, the more he is going to show you how he doesn’t need you.  This can happen, though it is not often that men behave in this way.  Indeed, if your ex boyfriend is incapable of truly missing you, then it shows he either doesn’t value you or is just a rotten kind of guy.

4. Once You Start It You Can’t Break It

This is of course is a big fallacy.  The way I see it, the no contact rule is best employed when it can be adapted for each individual situation.  Sometimes it works to modify your approach, breaking your code of silence, if the right circumstances present themselves.  I discuss this at length in my ebook The No Contact Rule Book!

5.  It Has To Be 30 Days Long

No it doesn’t.  Your No Contact period can be any number of days, though I have found the best results when it runs 21 to 45 days.  But there have been times when I recommended 14 days or just get away from each other for a few days.  So there is no magic number that you must adhere to at all costs.

Why Is This NC Rule So Confusing and Complicated!

The no contact rule is a relatively simple idea at first, but gets progressively more complex as you peel the layers back.

For example, the general premise of the no contact rule states that you are supposed to ignore an ex in just about every way for 21-45 days straight.

(Note: The length of the no contact rule can be modified, but I like to recommend a 30 day rule for most folks!)

It’s a simple idea, right?

I mean, you just carve out a block of time and ignore him.

Simple as that!

Umm…. actually it’s not that easy.

What if you find yourself in the following situations?

  • You Live With An Ex
  • You Go To Work or School With Him
  • You Share Children Together
  • HE Becomes A Text Gnat And Seems Unstable
  • He Wants To Pick Up His Things (Or You Need To From Him)

All of a sudden this really easy idea becomes quite complicated.

So what I am going to do next is teach you exactly what to do in all of the above situations.

Hint Hint… You cannot always do a strict no contact rule.

8 Must Know Rules Of Using No Contact Rule In The Proper Way

grammatical errors

When I first started Ex Boyfriend Recovery I was very cerebral in my thinking.

In other words, I was book smart but I wasn’t street smart.

As a result, the advice I gave women was good, but it could have been better as I hadn’t seen enough cases to evaluate all the possibilities. Now that I am several years into dealing with breakups, I can honestly say that the advice I offer now isn’t only better but it’s more complete and informative.

You often hear the ex recovery experts out there preach the strictness that goes along with the no contact rule.

What do I mean by that?

“Make sure you DO NOT break the no contact rule under any circumstances.”

I was actually guilty of this in the very early days.

Well, I will say this about my advice in those instances.

I was mostly right, but not right along the margins.

There are some instances where holding true to the no contact rule is a bad idea. In other words, you have to bend the no contact rule a little bit to suit your needs.

1. Recognize There Are Complexities In Getting An Ex Back

complicated

How often have you heard me say this phrase?

“No two “ex” situations are alike.”

There has probably never been a truer phrase that I have muttered in my time on this earth than that phrase above.

In all my years doing this the one big epiphany I have had is that every situation I encounter is unique and may require different tactics to succeed. Heck, there are some situations that are doomed to fail no matter what you do.

This upsets me because I honestly just want to help everyone who needs it and the thought that I might fail you at times is disheartening.

So, I guess I am fighting a losing battle in that sense since this is such a complex process.

Nevertheless, I am all about improving YOUR odds so you can succeed in the end and I intend on searching for answers for the rest of my life if I have to, to improve your odds dramatically.

Here is what I have picked up in my “journey” so far.

Getting an ex boyfriend back is one of the most challenging processes and is reliant on many factors that are difficult to predict.

You are attempting to do one of the more difficult things on earth!

Changing a man’s mind that is already made up.

And the no contact rule may be the best ammunition you have for this fight. So what happens when you are faced with a situation where you can’t do the no contact rule or you are not sure how it will work in your situation?

Do you just give up?

I think not.  You recognize the challenge and roll up your sleeves and get the best information available and get to work.

2. The Secret To Making No Contact Work Is About Adaptation and Perseverance

adaptation

If you want to persevere with the no contact rule in a situation where it looks like you won’t get far, then you have to be willing to adapt.

You see, adaptation is your key to success.

It is the thing that sets the unsuccessful women apart from those ladies who are able to rebuild the connection with their ex boyfriend.

Well, that and the fact that the women who actually listen to my advice always seem to do better in the end as well!

Below I have compiled a list of the most common situations where no contact seems impossible,

  • You Live With An Ex
  • You Go To Work or School With Him
  • You Share Children Together
  • HE Becomes A Text Gnat And Seems Unstable
  • He Wants To Pick Up His Things (Or You Need To From Him)

Most women who are faced with these situations fail because they think that utilizing the no contact rule is impossible. What they fail to realize is that this concept is not impossible.  Indeed, it is almost necessary for most given its many benefits. It just simply requires a few adaptations for some.

So, what I am going to do for you is go through each of these situations one by one and explain the adaptations, alterations and tweaks that I recommend for each situation.

Sound like a plan?

Good, because that leads to our 3rd must know lesson!

3. How To Handle NC When You Live With Your Ex Boyfriend

cat dog

It’s kind of hard to implement not talking, texting, or communicating in any way with your ex if  your significant other lives with you.

So, rather than admitting defeat and just scrapping the no contact rule you should abide by the follow rules if you find yourself in this situation,

  • Don’t initiate any conversations unless absolutely necessary
  • If he instigates a conversation about your job or some other topic, just be somewhat pleasant, but don’t  linger in a conversation too long.
  • Any chance you get you should end the conversation, particularly if he started it.  Don’t do it abruptly, just fade out of the convo.

What is the point of doing this?

He needs to feel like there is a definite difference between the normal you that he is so used to and the post breakup you.

Now, you may be wondering where I came up with these rules.

Well, the truth is that I came up with them as a result of my wife.

Allow me to explain.

Obviously my wife and I live together, so we have become pretty used to each other.

We both know what each other is like when we are in good moods, bad moods and eh moods.

If I notice that my wife is really quiet or non responsive,then I immediately think to myself:

“I wonder what’s wrong?”

It is at this point that I pry and probe:

“Hey, is everything ok?”

Usually I will get a candid sounding response like:

“Yup, everything is fine.”

Now, do I believe her?

No.

Why?

Because I am used to her normal behavior and her normal behavior isn’t quiet and distant.  Rather it’s bubbly and talkative.

So, what do you think I do next?

Well, much to her annoyance I try to start fixing a problem that I have no knowledge of. This puts me in a position where I am chasing her trying to gain her approval. It is a position that many of the women on this site would love to see their ex boyfriends do.

This is why, when you live with your ex, you need to show them  that things aren’t OK.  That the relationship is not in a good place.  That things between the two of you are far from optimal.

There definitely has to be some type of difference between you before and after the breakup if you live together in order to coax out some potential solutions.  Though admittedly, this is short term tactic because it is very difficult for a couple to remain together, living under the same roof, if they are still in breakup mode.

4. Make the No Contact Period A Problem or Challenge Your Ex Boyfriend Must Solve

I am not a construction expert.

I haven’t built a house and I don’t know how to fix cars.

But, as a man, I like to think I do.

There is no way in hell that I would ever be able to, but I like to think I can.

So, when it comes to putting things together, I am always the first person in line to attempt it. For example, I recently put together a TV stand for a new TV I bought. The idea of solving a problem like putting together a new stand was very intriguing to me.

5 hours later… it wasn’t so intriguing.

(Seriously, it took me 5 hours.)

Here is my point, I am a man and I like to solve problems. It makes me feel accomplished and smart.

This principle isn’t just true of physical problems like putting together a TV stand.

It is also true of emotional ones like trying to figure out what is bothering my wife and helping people in their darkest moments when it comes to relationships (Ex Boyfriend Recovery.)

This isn’t a trait that I just have.

ALL MEN like to solve problems, they just don’t always know it.

So, the idea behind the no contact rule (like the situation above while living together) is to give your ex a problem to solve so you can position him in an area where he is going to be forced to gain your approval to fix the problem.

Here’s a quick recap of how you are supposed to use no contact to do that (if you live together.)

5. How Does NC Rules Work If You Go To Work Or School With Him

working

This is another one of those situations where you can’t really use the no contact rule in the fullest way you would prefer.

However, what am I teaching you in this article?

Just because you can’t use it fully, doesn’t mean you can’t adapt it to your advantage.

So, how do we alter the no contact rule to our advantage in these cases.

Well, before we get to that I think it is important to mention that work and school are two different entities and within those entities are different challenges.

What the heck do I mean by that?

Lets take work as an example.

There are different types of work. For example, if you have a summer job where you work with your ex then that isn’t going to be the same as having a career where you are going to see your ex boyfriend five days a week.

School also has different entities associated with it

High school versus college for example.

So, what I would like to do now is take these different entities and explain how the no contact rule has to be altered to fit the needs of each individual situation.

Before I get started I am going to give you a quick run down on topics I will be covering and how No Contact Rule might work for each of these.

School

  • High School
  • College

Work

  • Part Time Job
  • Career

Lets start with school first!

How Do You Implement the No Contact Rule If You Are In School School Together?

In my opinion the differences between high school and college present a big enough difference to warrant a divide.

So, obviously I am going to be talking about the changes you have to make during your period of no contact in each of these cases.

Lets start with high school.

NC If You Are In High School

High school has it’s advantages and disadvantages.

Lets focus on the negative first.

The biggest disadvantage that follows high school is the fact that your opportunity to see your ex boyfriend is higher than it would be in college. With college you are often running from building to building, taking different classes. With high school, while you may be taking different classes, you may be in the same building a lot of the time.

Now, an advantage that goes along with the no contact rule in high school is the fact that I haven’t met many high school students who have been able to successfully implement it. So, your ex boyfriend won’t know what hit him when you do try it on him.  He may just think you are acting unusually cold which really doesn’t serve your purposes.  There is little mystery to what is happening.

So, how do you navigate a NC situation if you go to high school with him?

Simple, avoid him as much as possible but don’t be obvious about it. If he tracks you down or if you are forced to talk to him make sure you aren’t rude to him.  Dazzle your ex boyfriend with kindness they say. The no contact rule isn’t about being mean (though some aspects of it may seem that way.) Our goal here isn’t to alienate him enough to where he hates you.

So, what do you do if he walks up to you in class and asks you why you are ignoring him?

I want you to look at him with a smile and repeat the following,

“Nothing!”

The smile is the important part so don’t forget that.  Maybe even a hug.  That will throw him off too!

You want to be short with him but not mean which is actually a pretty hard thing to accomplish if you think about it because we automatically assume that someone is mad with us if they are short with us.

That is actually why having a pleasant and happy demeanor is so important.

Anyway, other than the situations where you are forced to communicate with him, the no contact rule pretty much remains the same.

Don’t contact him..

Don’t respond to him…

Do this for 30 days and then you can begin the process outlined in The No Contact Rule Book.

Lets turn our attention to college.

How Does it Work If You Are In College?

What is the main difference between an ex in college versus one in high school?

Experience.

An ex boyfriend who you have dated through college has probably seen more when it comes to relationships and you have to use this to your advantage.

So, what happens to men when they have seen a lot in relationships?

They get paranoid.

Let me give you an example.

A man who was in a relationship with a girl who cheated on him is most likely going to be paranoid that his next girlfriend will do the same to him.

Use his paranoia to your advantage.

How do you do that?

Through jealousy!

Since you are in college I am going to assume that you are going to be taking a class together.

So, lets say that you walk into class one day and you completely ignore your ex and you start talking to some other guy that sits near you.

You lightly touch this new guy…

You laugh at his jokes…

But most importantly it’s not obvious what you are doing.

It seems natural.

Trust me when I say that your ex is going to take notice.

Especially if it’s right after the breakup.

What’s the point of doing this?

It’s to serve as a gentle reminder at what he’s losing out on and boy is it effective if you can pull it off.

Again, if he tries to talk to you apply the same rules as above in that you are pleasant but very short.

Also, one thing I forgot to mention above was the fact that the second he gives you an opportunity to exit the conversation you take it.

You do this for 30 days straight and then attempt to get him back via the methods in PRO.

How Does No Contact Work If you Work Together?

There are a lot of women who visit this site that wonder what they should do with regards to the no contact rule if they work with their ex. In fact, I received a voice mail today for my new podcast, The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast asking this very question (EBR 009 if you are interested.)

A lot of the rules for work are similar to school but there are a few minor differences.

But before we get into that lets take a look at the two different categories of work,

  1. Part Time Jobs
  2. Careers

Lets start with number one!

Part Time Jobs and NC

I look at this as any type of job that you won’t see your ex five days a week like you would with a career.

Think of a summer job for a kid in high school or just a job on the side to pick up some extra cash.

The biggest positive that goes along with a part time job is that the job only requires some of your time so it makes the no contact rule slightly more effective because you won’t have to see your ex all the time.

Again, the same rules apply as above (upbeat, positive, short, exit the conversation the first chance you get.)

There really isn’t anything much to add here. Just treat a part time job like you would a college NC alteration.

Where things get really interesting is in careers.

That is where you have to make some serious alterations to the no contact rule.

Careers and NC

A career is a job that you will be at for many years and it is looked at as a full time job where you will have to see your ex boyfriend a minimum of five days a week.

Obviously doing the no contact rule at work is going to be extremely tough, so you are going to have to adopt a form of limited contact.

In other words, the rules of no contact still apply but since you are going to be forced to talk with your ex (since you see him 5 days a week) you are going to have to figure out exactly how to approach conversations with him.

I like recommending keeping things strictly about business.

In other words, if you worked at a balloon shop:

balloon

(Hey, I am trying to keep things interesting don’t hate.)

If you worked at a balloon shop then try to keep all forced conversations about balloons. In the unlikely case he brings up your relationship be short with him.  Work and relationship talk during this breakup phase rarely mix well.  So avoid it.

One word or brief answers work wonders here.

However, you need to be very careful in how you communicate.

  • If you look depressed, angry and sad then your one word answer is going to be taken as negative.
  • If you look happy, upbeat and bubbly then your one word answer is going to be taken more positive and maybe perplexing

This is the important part.

Brief answers are indicative of when something is wrong.

YOU WANT THIS!

You want it in a positive manner (hence the happy, upbeat and positive stuff I said above) but you also want him to think in the back of his head:

“Hey there is a problem with her.”  

Why?

Remember what I said above about men wanting to fix problems?

Yup, this plays right into that.

Also, really work hard to sprinkle some jealousy into the environment. The combination of these can be very powerful during limited contact.

6. How Does the No Contact Rule Work If You Share Children Together?

childre

Another situation that I would like to talk about today is if you have children together.

Obviously you can’t do the no contact rule if you have to communicate with your ex over the kids.

So, what alterations do you need to make in this instance?

Lets give an example to further explore what should be done.

Mary and Mike have one child together and they just broke up. Mary took the child and is living with her parents right now. She would also like to use the no contact rule on Mike but she isn’t sure on how to approach it when she has to communicate with him over their child.

What should she do?

Well, lets look at her situation this way.

Can she still use the no contact rule on Mike?

In some aspects she can.

She is living with her parents so she can use the no contact rule in some respects with not contacting and seeing her ex.

But what if he sends her this text message one day?

jake

Obviously, Jake is the child that Mike and Mary share.

So, what should Mary do?

Should her child suffer the wrath of no contact?

Of course not.

No, in this case Mary is allowed to break the no contact rule to talk about topics concerning the child.

School..

Appointments..

Emergencies..

As long as it’s about Jake (the child) Mary can break the no contact rule to communicate.

This brings up an interesting question though.

Can Mary branch out to topics outside of her child?

No, any time she breaks her no contact rule it has to strictly be about her child and that’s it. If she talks about the weather, the amazing game last night or something that reminded her of Mike then that is considered a breach of the no contact rule and you will incur the wrath of me.

And you don’t want to incur my wrath!

Jennifer Chris W-121-X2

(Hey don’t judge, they told us to glare in the picture….)

One last note about no contact with kids before I move on to our next scenario.

You will find that since you are forced to communicate a bit more with your ex during NC in this situation. The chances of having him bring up the past relationship are slightly more likely.

What should you do if this happens?

I am so glad you asked!

Don’t talk about your relationship at all until after the no contact rule.

Again, you can find out how to do this correctly with Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.

So, how do you fend off his questions about your relationship?

Well, you can always refer to the working together section above on one word or brief responses.  Or you can say one of my favorite phrases:

“I am not in the mood to talk about that right now.”

Both are equally effective!

7.  Turn Your Ex Into A Text Gnat (In A Good Way)

This site has becomes famous in underground circles and as a result a lot of the ideas I have presented on it have gone viral.

One of those ideas has been the idea of a text gnat.

What is a text gnat?

Look at the graphic below,

text gnat

The serious of messages above are synonymous with a text gnat.

When women do this to men it is almost equivalent to having an annoying gnat buzz around your head and no matter how many times you try to swat it away it just keeps on buzzing around.

Hence the name, text gnat.

Now, when it comes to Ex Boyfriend Recovery I am usually talking about “text gnats” with regards to crazy women alienating their ex boyfriend.

In fact, I don’t think I have ever talked about crazy men text gnatting women who have done the no contact rule on them.

Gnatting does work both ways after all.

So, what happens if you use the no contact rule on an ex boyfriend and he texts you the following series of text messages seven days into NC?

good gnat

Most experts will have you believe that you should continue your no contact period if this happens.

Well, I am not like most experts.

You have to remember that the main reason that you are doing NC in the first place is to get your ex back and if he is begging for you back you have already won!

You accomplished your goal.

Congratulations!

So, do you break no contact right there and then and have the happy reunion that you so desperately want?

No, don’t get ahead of yourself yet.

Your ex boyfriend would be expected to send some positive gnat messages in one day or over the course of the week for you to break NC off early.

So, if he sends you some text messages (begging for you back) and and perhaps he calls you as well, then that would demonstrate a positive trend  and you can break NC off early to discuss his terms of reinstatement.

What About Negative Gnatting?

Now, you may be sitting there and wondering:

“Chris, what if I have already achieved the “multiple positive actions” but they were all negative?”

Well, if that’s the case then I have some bad news for you.

You won’t be able to end your no contact period early.

Why?

Lets say that your ex boyfriend has sent you ten text messages all with one common theme, they are all negative.

They all look like this:

apike message

If your ex boyfriend tries to send a text message like this to you he is trying to illicit a reaction out of you.

Don’t give it to him.

I liken this to a reaction a child would have if it isn’t getting it’s way.

I mean, we aren’t here to re-enforce bad behavior, we are here to eliminate it.

You wouldn’t give a child who just spilled milk on a $500 rug a cookie, would you?

So, why would you give your ex boyfriend the pleasure of communicating with you if he has just got done fussing or cursing you out?

The only time you get to reward him with the proverbial cookie is if he his positive about wanting you back.

Do you understand!

I am going to go out on a limb here and say you do, so lets move on!

8. The NC Rules About Exchanging Items

give it to me

Another common question I get asked by readers of Ex Boyfriend Recovery is:

“Am I allowed to break the no contact rule if I have to give him his things back.”

Well, there are two categories I would like to divide this section up into.

  1. Him Asking For His Things Back
  2. You Wanting Your Things Back

There are different protocols that have to be put into effect for each of these situations.

Lets start first with him asking for his things back,

What To Do About NC If He Wants His Things Back?

He has kind of forced your hand here if he calls you up one day and asks for his things back.

It is at this point that you are going to be faced with a pretty tough decision if you are already doing the NC rule.

Do you break it and give him his things back?

or

Do you ignore him and contact him after his NC rule?

Remember, our goal with the NC rule isn’t to steal his things and make him so mad that he never talks to you again, which you run the risk of doing if you ignore his attempts to exchange things.

So, here is the protocol that I want you to put in place if he contacts you during your NC period and wants his things back.

Lets say that he texts you with a text saying that he wants his things back.

Well, I want you to respond the following way:

exchange

Notice how short and to the point the texts were.

I want you to act exactly like this on texts and in person.

Short and to the point.

Remember, you are all business and the business in this case is exchange your things.

If he tries to bring up your past relationship you just use some of the tricks I taught you already with the previous situations.

You are just there to give him his things back and that is it.

Any talk about anything else needs to be short and to the point.

(Finding a theme anyone?)

Lets move on to the protocols that are in place if you want your things back.

What To Do In NC If YOU Want Your Things Back From Him

The very first thing you need to determine is how important the things you want back from him are.

For example, if its just a silly toothbrush you left over at his place it would be a little ridiculous if you wanted that back when you could just go to the dollar store and get one for a buck. So, the protocol that is in place here has to do with how important the items you want back are.

A toothbrush…. not so important.

A dog on the other hand…

Well, that is probably worth contacting him and asking him for.

Basically the point I am trying to get at is this.

If you can live without the things that he has then don’t bother breaking NC for them. After all, you can just get them back after the NC rule is completed.

If you do deem the things important enough then you have my permission to break NC for them.

However, the same rules above apply.

Short and to the point!

Frequently Asked Questions About When You Should or Shouldn’t Use the No Contact Rule

1. When can I break the no contact rule? He has been calling me and texting me and I think he is really sorry.

If it has only been a few days, I would caution you about completely breaking away from your plan to allow for some space.  It’s OK to reach out to him to acknowledge his efforts and explain why you need your space.  If he loves you, he will honor your request for privacy.  Depending on the circumstance, you might want to shorten up the period of no contact.  In other situations, a few weeks may have already passed by, so in the event you are getting numerous positive indications from your ex boyfriend, then it wouldn’t be unreasonable to reach out to him in a measured way.

2. Does the No Contact Rule work if you were dumped.  My ex bf made me feel inferior and now he says he wants to talk to me about living up to his standards.  I am afraid to upset him more, but I am not sure if I should give in to him.

In this situation, it makes sense to keep your distance and stay true to your plan to create some space between him and you. At the very least, you need some quality time to heal.  No boyfriend, worth their salt, should treat their ex girlfriend in such a condescending way.  After you invest some time to heal and find yourself again, you may discover you don’t need him or want him back in your life.

3. My ex boyfriend is stubborn to a fault and has in the past insisted I need to respond quickly to his texts.  Will this no contact rule  work on stubborn men or should I just relent and keep answering his messages?

Some men are control freaks and your ex boyfriend seems to want to control your life, even after the breakup.  So this is bordering on toxic behavior and you should embrace the NC rule and put  a lot of space between you and he.  Give your ex a heads up, so he is not surprised.  No doubt he will be unhappy, but it is unwise to enable your ex’s undesirable behavior.

4. What situations does the No Contact Rule accomplish what you need?  I am just torn in half and really don’t know what I want or need from him.

If you are looking for emotional recovery, that is what this concept was founded on.  It is meant to get you out of the jaws of the pain of a breakup and focus you on getting emotionally healthier.  The most important thing for you to accomplish after parting ways with your ex boyfriend is finding yourself again and getting perspective about what is really important.  This principle is intended to get you to that place.

665 thoughts on “When NOT To Use The No Contact Rule On Your Ex Boyfriend”

  1. Avatar

    Amy Price

    March 15, 2020 at 1:01 pm

    We were together for 6 months. She left me to go back to her ex (they broke up a year ago and were together for 4 years) as she said she was never over her. Will this rule just make her and her ex/now together just stronger and more likely to forget me? They are already an item and posting all over social media together even though we’ve only been broken up a month. Should I keep in contact to keep being around and in her mind as I’m worried no contact will just mean we never speak again and concretes them being together.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 17, 2020 at 8:47 pm

      Hey Amy, so you need to complete 45 days of no contact, stop watching her movements on social media and her ex too. Work on yourself to get over the break up and familiarise yourself with the being there method. Then reach out with a text that Chris suggests to get you ex talking to you.

  2. Avatar

    Sierra

    March 12, 2020 at 12:41 am

    What if i was broken up with because of recent fighting that came from unresolved issues earlier in the relationship but he was supportive in asking for a hug after breaking up with me and he even told me he still loved and wanted to be with me but the fighting bothered him. We fought about me wanting to hangout with him more than him wanting to be around me but its hard because we have been together three years and its the first time we’ve fought so constantly. He hasn’t tried to contact me and its been over a week… should i pursue no contact or not considering we have never broken up before and we have had a very good 3 year relationship. He was even acting completely normal and happy with me up until the night of the break up. PLEASE HELP:(

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 12, 2020 at 12:58 pm

      Hi Sierra, so you need to follow the program starting with No Contact and work on yourself in that time. Reaching out to your ex after 30 days of no contact

  3. Avatar

    Amanda

    March 5, 2020 at 5:41 pm

    Hi
    I’ve recently broken up with my bf of 1 year 10 days ago. We had a pretty perfect relationship until we went away for 1 week and we had 2 small arguements. After being home for 3 days he called and said he didn’t love want me and wanted to be single. I went into fight or flight mode and did the begging and pleading to no avail. For the next 3 days we had minimal contact of once a day our normal is 6/7 times a day. We have a long distance relationship of 80 miles and so I drove to see him on Sunday to have a talk and see if I could persuade him to change his mind. It didn’t work I was cool calm and collected told him I had blocked him and wished him a good life. I am now on day 5 of nc and battling myself whether to break nc incase he feel like he wants to contact me but won’t because I blocked him(he’s now unblocked) didn’t last very long lol. Also I want to know is it likely that’ll we can get back together as he was so adamant in his feelings. I just feel we had such a stronger bond for this to be it. Any advice for this girl going out of her mind.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 18, 2020 at 1:54 am

      Hi Amanda, so to give yourself your best chance of getting your ex back is about following this process to the word, also working on yourself in that time too. Read as much as you can regarding your situation.

  4. Avatar

    Tinisha

    March 1, 2020 at 6:01 am

    My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. We had an amazing relationship, he was most importantly my best friend. Any argument we had we resolved it in a healthy way and moved past it. However these past few months he has been suffering from anxiety and sadness in his life and I was the only person he would talk to about it and I was helping him get through life. In the middle of his dark thoughts he would struggle on treating me how I deserve, in which I would bring to his attention, usually he understands and rationalises it, however last week when I brought up how he treated me he completely shut me down, we had an argument and he came over and broke up with me. It wasn’t just a ‘breakup’ it was back and fourth for two hours that he loves me and wants to make it work, but he can’t get better with me in his life etc. The week prior he said to me I am his rock. The week before we also paid for our first overseas trip together, he said his biggest regret in life would be to leave me during this time of mental health issues and I find another partner. Fast forward a week later he randomly broke up with me with no thought process, no good reasoning. A month before we went away together and had the best time ever. I am so confused, this came out of the blue! I want to be with him because we have had the most amazing relationship but I don’t know what to do. Even after he broke up with me I told him I will be by your side during this difficult time and I am not leaving him, and he just shut me down and told me not to contact him. He was treating me like I did something to him when in actual fact I have been his rock when no one else was. He has shut himself from a lot of social situations but I am the only person he got rid of in his life. We were just talking about the future, moving in together etc. I feel very confused and shocked how sudden this happened. He has my laptop and also we have a overseas trip in 1 month. What do I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 7, 2020 at 9:28 am

      Hi Tinisha so you can ask for your laptop back (only get in touch for that reason) and then you go into No Contact where you do not speak with him for 30 days if you still choose to go on your trip with him that’s up to you but you will have to make sure that you are not emotional or intimate during that time. If he has mental health issues going on then it is not a bad thing that he wants to be alone to deal with them at this time. Sometimes people need that alone time to get better, without the added stress of worrying about someone else feelings.

  5. Avatar

    Ze

    March 1, 2020 at 3:26 am

    Hello,

    Me and my ex has been together for 4 year in a sometimes long distance relationship, the other times we lived together. He recently told me that he couldn’t do long distance anymore & was heart broken but needed to end things. That happened last December since then we’ve gotten back together once, then he split it up again due to the distance knowing deep down he couldn’t handle it. It’s been 4 weeks since our spit and we haven’t stopped talking everyday, he’ll call & send sweet messages even last week he said that maybe we could work things out into an open relationship to help with the distance. He told me he’d kissed another girl one weekend and had felt really guilty. He’d be hot & cold with me often.

    A few days ago I initiated no contact as the thoughts of him begun taking over my life. My heart felt broken everyday & I found myself waiting for his calls everyday. Since the definition of our relationship was still unknown I became depressed and dependant so I thought giving myself time to breath regardless of our emotional closeness was nessacary. I fear that after initiating no contact that I’ve messed up our chances greatly.

    I want to work it out with him & maybe try opening our relationship but now I fear I’ve messed up our chances because I initiated no contact. I’ll be heading home to where he lives I’m 2 weeks so I guess I’ll be reconnecting then.
    I hope I haven’t made a huge mistake ;(
    Thank u

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 7, 2020 at 9:29 am

      Hey Ze, so no you have not messed up your chances by following a No Contact, if anything you have started your progress in getting him back. When you move back to his area you do not reach out unless you are out of your 30 day NC. Read the Ungettable articles and apply this to yourself during your NC and then reach out with a text that Chris suggests after 30 days

  6. Avatar

    Helen

    February 27, 2020 at 5:22 pm

    Hi there, I am very confused whether I should do the no contact rool or not. We have been together for 8 months and always struggled with communication/expressing his feelings. The last 3 months I felt he wasnt making any effort or caring about my needs while I had to accept a lot of things. In the end I made him a list and told him I accept 70% of your list of 12 items and my list had 4 all around him being more expressive and attentive and asked him if he can at least accept 50% of my list so we can be happy. He said I exceeded all of his expectations but he couldnt even try to do the things that would make me happy no matter how small like sending a thoughtful good morning text. I picked up my things and left in the heat of the moment and he said he is tired of arguing and he needs time and maybe we were compatible up to a certain point. Anws the first two days. after the breakup we were talking and I asked why he wasnt willing to try since he loved me, i begged him to reconsider and I didnt want to end things but all he said. was I’m sorry and I. dont know. I. told him that I need us to not talk for a while because him not knowing and me hoping he will make an effort is only hurting me more. I want him back and I want him to realise that relationships are work and compromise. He told me I am awesome and he feels this has been his fault but has done nothing. about it. What should I do? still 30 days NC?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 27, 2020 at 10:51 pm

      Hi Helen, yes folllow the rules of No Contact for at least 30 days

  7. Avatar

    Chris

    February 24, 2020 at 10:26 am

    Hello does no contact work if we agreed to be friends and still talk to each other after the break up and so far this has been going well/amicable? Will it be rude or ruin my chances to suddenly go into NC?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 26, 2020 at 10:10 pm

      Hi Chris, if you want your ex back then you need to complete a No Contact. It is not rude to take some time for yourself after a break up

  8. Avatar

    Christine

    February 23, 2020 at 6:55 pm

    Hi!

    Being dating this guy, and from the first time we met, we both have been talking about how easy and good it felt to be with each other.

    We’ve been dating for about three months, and basically I’ve been living at his place as long as we’ve knows each other. He is 30 and I am 25.

    We have had deep conversations, where he has brought up several times phrases like “if we marry …”, “our children”, “the dog we should have ..”. I never have initiated to conversations like that, but I’ve responded to his phrases and form then we’ve talked about it.
    We’ve had deep conversations where both have opened up, including that he has told me that he has been hurt twice by former girlfriends who have been unfaithful and lied to him.

    On Sunday two weeks ago we were in bed and he told me that he has got feelings for me and that he cares for me and that these feelings are scaring him. We talked about our families and that he could see himself introducing me to his mom etc.

    A few days later he was quiet and I felt that our “honey moon” period was over so I let him get some distance because i felt too that I needed it myself. He contacted me on Friday again and I went to him after and we had a really good time. A few days later I asked him if there was anything and then he said that he did not feel the little extra spark and that he would be single and not want to commit to a relationship at this moment.

    Now I have gone a week without contacting him (no contact rule) and he has made contact to meet. I have the feeling that he has panicked, and I also feel that he is afraid of his feelings.

    Really, I feel it can work out, but I don’t want to push him. I respect his feelings, but I wonder what you’re thinking. He asked to meet and I replied that I couldn’t until next week to have some space.

    Do I have to wait until he makes contact again, wait out the entire 30-day period or should I say in a positive way when it suits me to meet?
     
    I miss him but feel good and I have moved on and wish him well.

    If it’s meant to be it will be, but I also don’t want to be with anyone who doesn’t see my value.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 2, 2020 at 11:08 pm

      Hi Christine, so you should complete the 30 day no contact before replying to himeven if he does reach out but you need to try and make your first contact a text like Chris suggests in his posts. Work on yourself in that time and remain social with friends to show you are not sat at home waiting for him to get in touch with you

  9. Avatar

    Hana

    February 23, 2020 at 3:39 pm

    Hi,
    My ex broke it off with me just one month after we officially got together.. This was a LDR, we only communicated thru texts during the past 7 months but we met up three times, the first two he flew over and I made the third trip and that was when we decided to give it a shot. He seemed genuinely happy and more open with his affections, we had made plans to get together again. Two weeks prior to the break up he became distant, I knew there was a lot going on on his job and it was stressful. He’s always been career focused so I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it but I did notice the change. Then he texted me and said he didn’t think things were working out between us, that he couldn’t balance between his work and personal life. I asked him what happened and that we could figure it out together but he just said that it’d be better if we remain friends. I said I got it and we haven’t talked since. I’ve been keeping up the NC for almost three weeks now, giving him space to focus on his job which isn’t going too well atm, but I’m just confused and really miss him. Everything was going well right up to the last two weeks. There are no hard feelings, I just don’t know what happened except he gave up on us. Should I reach out to him?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 3, 2020 at 10:46 pm

      Hi Hana, you can reach out to your ex after 30 days of No Contact and during that time you can work on yourself and the Holy Trinity that we speak about in the articles to improve yourself. Then when you reach out to your ex you can tell them all the amazing things you are doing with your life

  10. Avatar

    Kim

    February 19, 2020 at 8:07 pm

    Hi I kicked my boyfriend of 3 and half years out over a week ago because of his behaviour. He’s lived with me for over 2 years and I feel we have a toxic relationship but we both love each other and can’t seem to be apart for long. His drinking and drug use has been increasing over the past year which has led to me kicking him out a few times but never for long. He lies to me saying he’s coming home then stays at the pub all night and does the drugs then turns up the early hours in the morning. He’s turned up drunk in his van to pick his son up and he’s left his son all night with me while he’s out partying without asking. I finally stuck to the decision and kick him out blocked him and then he kept turning up for his stuff so I unblocked him and last Friday he was begging for me back but I resisted then failed the next morning when he turned up at my friends knowing I was there and said he wanted to chat. We went back to mine and he’d been on cocaine all night and let’s just say we didn’t chat cause he was all over me and I gave in. Then he left and obliviously I felt used! He then wanted to chat to me at his sisters with her there and I knew they were going to try and persuade me into him living separately from me but we don’t have enough trust for that and I stuck to my guns and said get your own place but that means we are over. He broke down a few times but was adamant he can only sort his problems out if he’s not at mine, he’s never tried to change when he’s lived with me which was my response so how can he change apart from me. I know he loves me and I love him but the mental torture this relationship has caused me is unbelievable. I want changes but I still do want him I’m trying to be strong but it’s killing me. He picked the rest of his stuff up yesterday and we spoke briefly but I have told him he can’t contact me again and he doesn’t come down again. What do I do in this situation? I’m lost.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 28, 2020 at 8:16 pm

      Hi Kim, so you ask what it is you do in your situation if you want your boyfriend to stop with the drink and drugs then you are going to have to stick to this break up until he realises that you are serious and that he has to make these changes in order to be with you.

  11. Avatar

    Kal

    February 17, 2020 at 1:51 pm

    Hi, I posted a question over at “Signs My Ex Is Over Me For Good,” and in a few short hours after posting, my ex sent 3 text messages about mundane things. In the first couple of texts, he said he could not find a box of his books (he’s moved out of my house), and asked if he could have left them at an old roommate’s apartment. In his third text, he said he had found one of my missing slippers.

    He is usually the one to initiate contact, generally to inquire about mail or packages he has received at the house. I am unsure in these cases–and in the specific recent cases mentioned above–whether I should break the NC principle. I started it for the first time on Valentine’s Day (we had met up the day before, when I gave him some very expensive late Christmas presents and V-Day presents).

  12. Avatar

    Belle

    February 13, 2020 at 5:19 am

    My ex and I were together for 10 months. While we were dating he lost over 100 pounds, returned to school, overcame his anxiety, and gained self confidence. I cheered him on throughout all of it and loved him unconditionally. We rarely argued and when we did, it was over small things. This was also our first breakup. He broke up with me because he wanted to talk to other girls. I was his first long term girlfriend and he didn’t know what else was out there. I’ve implemented NC for 2 weeks now, but this article has me rethinking things. What should I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 15, 2020 at 5:27 pm

      Hey Belle, that is a really hurtful reason to be broken up with when you have supported him through so much so make sure you take some time to heal yourself. And during that time, read about the ungettable girl, and what it would take to make you, your exes ungettable girl. Basically become the best version of yourself so that he realises hes lost someone amazing while wasting his time with other girls. And most DEFINITELY stick to no contact in this situation!

  13. Avatar

    Erin

    February 7, 2020 at 5:15 pm

    My situation is complicated and I’m not sure if using NC will actually work.
    After my divorce, I was single for 5 years up until a couple months ago when I met an amazing man (through a dating app) who had a failed marriage and two young children like I do. We had many things in common, our dates and conversations were amazing and we shared many of the same passions and goals.
    After some weeks of dating, I began spending time at his apartment. He had a home that he still owned with his ex, and she lived in it (while he lived in a rental apartment) although they had split up a year and a half ago. This bothered me, but the process of selling a home and/or one party buying out the other is complicated and could take years.
    I also discovered that he hadn’t finalized his divorce because of this property that him and his ex still owned. This bothered me but I let it slide, because these things are complicated.
    I also noticed he kept things friendly with his ex and would be at her beck and call often because she would make his life miserable if he wasn’t.
    Eventually though, my insecurities got the best of me and I blew up at him and accused him of still being emotionally involved with his ex. I told him that I felt like since he wasn’t actually divorced, there was a huge chance he could go back with her, considering they owned a home together. I drew parallels between his and my divorce letting him know that when I first separated from my ex husband, I would have put my family back together if my ex husband would have changed.
    Anyhow, after that fight, he was upset and sad, and then grew cold and distant. He felt insulted over my accusations and although I apologized over and over again, things were not the same between us.
    I had a feeling he was back on dating apps, so shortly after, I created a fake account on a dating app and found him on there and spoke to him. He took the bait.
    I then confronted him about it and he told me that he wanted to see where things would go with me before seeing other people. Basically, what I understood from that (from reading between the lines) is he wanted to keep me around while seeing if there was anyone better for him out there.
    When he admitted the truth, all I responded was that it was ok, no hard feelings and that I loved the pic he used on the app, it was my favourite. Didn’t talk to him for 2 days after that.
    Then he started texting me (several texts which I did not respond to) that he was sorry, that I must think he is horrible and that he hopes that I don’t only remember the bad in the relationship. He said he wishes me all the best. He also messaged me that he wanted to sincerely apologize for his behaviour. Since he left 2 bracelets at my home, I replied only once to his texts and told him that it was ok, not to worry about anything and not to feel guilty and that i could send him his bracelets back (not very expensive jewelry, but it’s his, so…).
    He told me, he wasn’t worried about the bracelets and that one day, if we see each other again, I could give them to him.
    Shortly after, at the end of the day, he texted me asking how was my day, to which I did not respond.

    Should I be doing NC?? Our relationship did not last very long and I do blame myself because my insecurities caused him to become cold in the first place.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 7, 2020 at 9:25 pm

      Hey Erin yes you need to do a No Contact and you also make sure you work on the Ungettable work during that time

  14. Avatar

    Madison

    January 30, 2020 at 11:33 pm

    Hi there, my fiancé broke up with me about a month ago. Unfortunately I did beg and plead and act very needy and desperate about the whole situation, and I know that he felt it was all too much. He has said that he wants and needs space and he does not want a relationship right now because there’s too much going on and he does not see us getting back together in the future. He broke up primarily because of mental health problems as well as stress from work and family. I was just wondering, if I start the no contact rule today, will it still work because he is the one that has Chosen to have complete space and distance from me right now, and he unfriended me on Facebook and wants nothing to do with me. Will the no contact rule still get the point across since he Has been very clear that that’s what he wants anyways at this point? Will it really be proving anything to him since it’s what he wants? Will he still have that fear of losing me even if he told me that he wants space for me? Thank you

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 12, 2020 at 8:56 pm

      Hey Madison, No contact is definitely the best way forward and taking that time to work on yourself. Even though your ex asked for space he is not going expect you to not reach out to him at all for the next 30 days.

  15. Avatar

    Anonymous

    January 28, 2020 at 7:29 pm

    My boyfriend and I were only together for about 3 months, which I know doesn’t seem like a long time. From the very beginning though, we were head over heels for each other, we couldn’t get enough. It was like we had finally found the person we’d both been looking for. He absolutely felt the same way too. I’ve got really bad history with men, always being cheated on, lied to, used. Which started to cause problems in our relationship. I had a hard time trusting him, even though he never did anything to make me doubt him. I started running away easily, and pushing him away. I broke up with him over something really stupid, my fears got the best of me, and I just broke his heart. He was devastated. I regretted the break up pretty much immediately, and we got back together. But after that, he didn’t really seem to feel the same about me as he did before, and we started fighting a lot. Starting the cycle of breaking up and getting back together. He’s not perfect by any means, but I know that I screwed up repeatedly in our relationship. I love him very much, but don’t know how to handle my fears and concerns of being hurt or left again. A little over a week ago we had gotten into another bad fight, and I ended it. I didn’t know what else to do. But then of course I regretted it, and tried reaching out to him, only to get very negative responses from him. He seems to be completely done. He has done a soft block from what I can tell. I tried reaching out for 4 days, and just made a complete fool out of myself. I acted like a total spazz trying to get him to talk to me. Today is my 5th day of no contact. I want to give this man some peace, I don’t want to make his life miserable. But I also know that if I can work on my issues, he is my person. I start therapy today, so I’m taking a big step to try to get this worked out. I’m confused about how to handle things though, because obviously I’ve pissed him off to the point where he wants nothing to do with me, so NC seems like the right thing. But since I’m the one that technically ended it, NC might not be the best answer? I’m not sure. His happiness is most important to me, so if I need to just move on, I will work on that. I just can’t stand that I pushed away the most incredible man I’ve ever met. He deserves so much better than what I gave him, but I want to be the person that gives him all those things. I’m so lost right now.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 7, 2020 at 8:20 pm

      Hey there so I get why people think they shouldn’t do no contact when they ended things but you do need to follow the no contact rule. Mainly to give you both the space to have time to deal with your emotions and think about what you want for yourselves. So follow the process and stick with it

  16. Avatar

    Ann

    January 22, 2020 at 11:16 pm

    We (both previously married and long divorced) dated for two months, lots and lots in common, many of same values…he was a gentleman in so many ways. He asked me if I would ever want to get married again to which I said yes, eventually. About a month ago he started to act aloof. Asked if he still wanted to date (he said yes and that we would talk about our relationship). We never did talk about it as he said he wasn’t quite ready to. Wished him a merry Christmas and that I understood we were at two different places in our relationship. He quickly responded Merry Christmas and that he would reply in more detail to my comments on our relationship, but he never did. On 1/9/20, I texted him to invite him to grab a quick bite to eat as friends. He texted me back promptly to say that I was a very kind person and an amazing woman. And that he has some issues that he did not want to drag me into.
    On 1/13/20 I texted him to invite him to go grab dinner on the 16th, but he had to work that night and that maybe we could try another night (he works several evenings a week until 8:30-9:00). Told him “that’s too bad” and I wished him well. He apologized that he had to work. So I replied with my last text to him, saying that he could let me know when he knew his schedule better and that I would be happy for us to plan a time to eat dinner that worked for both of us. That evening I started NC.
    He texted me last night that he was saying hi and asked me how I was. Keep doing the NC? 21 or 30 days? Thank you for any insight you can provide.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 23, 2020 at 10:29 am

      Hey Ann I would do the 30 days NC just because of the recent interactions being you asking him to meet etc. Spend some time focusing on yourself and learning to show yourself love and build your confidence, be open to casually dating too

  17. Avatar

    Elly

    January 21, 2020 at 6:35 pm

    I was with my boyfriend for just four months. We had a lovely time together, had loads in common, children the same age and similar relationship experiences. He never cancelled on me and always went out of his way to come and see me and plan nice things. He seemed super attentive and into me. I thought things were moving maybe a bit too quickly but he treated me so well and I loved his company. It was a normal relationship. I’m 47 (he’s 51) and divorced and also had a 6 year relationship which was totally dysfunctional so I have to admit I found being treated so well quite hard to deal with at first. My friend died just before Christmas, I was totally stressed out with work and my daughter who is quite difficult and I was suffering from insomnia. I didn’t really talk to him about any of this as previous partners never listened to me or were supportive in that way, so I stupidly assumed he wouldn’t understand either. I Ended the relationship with him and regretted it instantly. He took it very well and he suggested we met for a drink where I tried to explain that I’m quite guarded because of previous bad relationships and I hadn’t meant to be distant and push him away. I asked him to reconsider and think about giving us a proper chance. The next day he messaged me and said that he really just wants to be on his own for a while. He did say several times that he really thought an awful lot of me and reiterated that he doesn’t want to lose contact with me. I messaged him after 13 days, just to see how he was and to tell him that I miss him and think about him a lot. We exchanged some very nice messages and he said he may regret it himself, but time on his own is what he needs right now as he hasn’t been single for a long time and it’s much needed time out. When he met me he said he’d been out of a four year relationship for two months but I recently found out it was only about a month, if that, although he said it was over long before they split. It’s been a week since we messaged. I’ve decided to leave him to it if time on his own if what he wants. I don’t see how doing no contact will get him back if being on his own is what he feels he wants and needs. And he’s Probably just saying keep in touch to be nice. As it was such a short relationship I think he’ll just move on and forget about me. I do believe he cares about me but I broke trust. It’s such a shame that I didn’t realise how much I care about him until I made the utterly stupid mistake of assuming he wouldn’t Understand about my problems and ending our relationship. I’m so sad and upset and angry with myself.

  18. Avatar

    Dalia

    January 20, 2020 at 6:01 pm

    Hi Chris and Shaunna,
    My partner (30) of almost 7 years just broke up with me (27) and I would be really grateful for a word of advice. He’s from Australia, I’m from Europe, we started living together 6 years ago but have also been long-distance multiple times due to my career. Overall, he’s been incredibly supportive and considerate, we pretty much never fought and I thought our relationship was solid, despite some difficulties. I just came back to him to Australia 3 weeks ago, after being apart for 8 months (our longest time LD). Although we’ve both been pretty unhappy for the past 2 weeks and not communicating well with each other, this breakup came out of the blue for me. We had never communicated about our issues or tried to resolve them together, so I’m baffled he decided to give up so abruptly, not wanting to give it another chance. He said we periodically have ‘bad’ times, and drift apart, after which we temporarily fix things by putting more effort into the relationship (without communicating about it), which works for a while, but in the end the same thing keeps happening again (It’s true). He said we have grown apart too much while I was away for 8 months and that we’re not able to communicate/have fun anymore, and that he doesn’t want to pursue this anymore.

    He was supportive even during the breakup, staying with me while I cried, asked questions and pleaded for hours, before going to sleep at a friend’s place. He’ll be back at our place tomorrow to return the car and I don’t know how I should act. Of course, I’m done with the begging. I would prefer to move out quickly to give us both space to think (and to work on being ungettable!), but I don’t know if I should do No Contact? If not, how should I interact with him? I’m afraid it is a lost cause, since he’s the type of person that can keep silent for ages and is very good at distracting his thoughts. Also, I don’t have any other business here in Australia, so if I stay too long, it’ll be obvious that I’m hoping for something (but if I go back to Europe, there will be no return).

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 22, 2020 at 7:23 pm

      Hey Dalia, so yes you should do No Contact but if you share a living space then you need to do limited no contact where you act as polite and emotionally controlled when you see him and have to speak to him about the shared living space. As for staying in Aus, I suggest that you work and spend some time with friends around the area that you are and see how things develop. Even if he does keep silent for 30 days you can reach out to him via text and be friendly to see what sort of response you get, make sure you work on yourself and start focusing on how to be happy in life without him and start dating casually too showing you are not hanging around hoping to get him back, just living your life down there before moving back up to EU

  19. Avatar

    Gem

    January 19, 2020 at 7:40 pm

    Hi there, so this was the first break up between me and my guy. We were together for 4 1/2 years, we were talking about moving country together and so on. We didn’t fight alot, nor did we possess toxic traits. I’m just so confused on what to do now. The above states I probably shouldn’t use the no contact rule if the relationship has been lengthy and successful. I mean, by no means were we perfect, but we weren’t horrible together either, and everyone loved us. If I don’t use the NC rule, how will I initiate the process of getting him back ? I’ve tried using it, but I’ve broken it a few times this week, because we lived together and needed to talk about how we will divide the items in our house. Or he just keeps coming over for his stuff. Could someone please guide me in the right direction ? Its been a week since our break up.. should I give him more space then ? Then follow your texting guides/videos? Just any help would be greatly appreciated, thanks so much!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 22, 2020 at 2:43 pm

      Hey Gem, so yes you need to give them space this is why we do No contact, during which time you can work on yourself, get over the break up and the upset of everything that has happened and plan your first few texts. Where he gets time to understand his emotions, start to wonder why you are not reaching out to him, and starts to miss you just in time for you to reach out.

  20. Avatar

    Sienn

    January 18, 2020 at 2:42 pm

    Hello
    I hope i’ll get an answer here,
    4 years ago i met a boy and we were in a relationship for 2 years, i was 25 and he 26, all was fine and we didn’t have serious problem, we started to talk about marriage till he suddenly migrated to another country and long distance relation didn’t work for us and we broke up after a while. But we were in touch all the time for 2 years and kept our memories and pictures and everything
    Till 8 month ago that i migrated to that country also, we started dating but both of us were kind of angry about past and he was hot and cold and i wasn’t patient, so we started to fighting several times and last time i blocked him for 2 weeks and after when i start to talk with him he was angry but we wanted to make it right till i found out he is meeting someone, after several days he said i wanted to move on to ur place and live with u but because of differences and fights that we had we have to break up, i spoke to him but he said he feels insulted and he had enough which i think the main reason was that new girl, so we broke up and after 1 month i texted and he was too mean to me and he said he moved on, then again after 2 month i texted that we have a little party he can join with our mutual friends and he said im not interested and after a while he and that girl started to private any social media activities and now i dont know if they are dating or not, and from a friend i found out that he was dating that girl last year also but for a couple of months and nothing got serious, and the girl is really different from me and him, she is 7 or 8 year smaller too.
    Everyone who knows us are saying that girl cannot be compared to me from appearance to manner and it’s odd that he is dating her (im not sure they are still do or not) and almost all of friends saying that we will end up together, but what should i do? And do u think there is a chance?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 18, 2020 at 10:30 pm

      Hi Sienn, it is so upsetting knowing your ex is with someone else and I really do feel for you. However there is something we call the being there method that you can use when following this program, but first you MUST complete a No Contact where you are working on yourself and getting over the break up and your ex so that you can be happy again. If you click on this link you can read about the being there method ready for when it is time to reach out to your ex. https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-to-win-back-an-ex-who-is-with-someone-else/

1 2 3 16

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.