How To NOT Break The No Contact Rule With Glenn Livingston

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

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It’s not often that I say this but this may actually be one of my favorite episodes that I have ever done.

And no, it’s not because I am talking about the no contact rule, AGAIN!

Let me give you some background so what I say will make sense.

Dr. Glenn Livingston is a superstar in the “Binge Eating” world.

(I promise this will make sense in a moment.)

In fact, this guy is so credentialed I was a little in awe while I was interviewing him,

  • He is a veteran psychologist
  • Long time CEO of a multi-million dollar consulting firm
  • Has been featured in Chicago Sun Times, CBS Radio, New York Times
  • And is the author of Never Binge Again

Now, originally I had planned to make this interview all about the poor eating habits that I have seen women adopt after a breakup.

However, after Glenn and I got to talking something interesting began to happen. Instead of only focusing on binge eating we turned our attention to the no contact rule.

Specifically the issues that people have when it comes to NOT contacting their exes.

As it turns out, the technique that Glenn created to prevent people from binge eating is a perfect fit to stop people from breaking the no contact rule.

Of course, that’s not even the coolest part.

Nope, the coolest part is the fact that I actually convinced Glenn to give you his book FOR FREE.

Now, bear in mind that this is a book for binge eating. However, almost everything in it can be in some way, shape or form be applied to the no contact rule.

Get His Book For Free Here

Oh, and if you think this isn’t something that is worth your time to read you might want to rethink that because I was so impressed with Glenn’s technique that I am going to modify it and add it to my overall core strategy when it comes to the no contact rule.

Check out our interview below,

Watch Glenn Teach His Technique To Me

What We Talk About In This Episode

  • Glenn’s Personal Struggles With Binge Eating
  • How He Kicked “The Binge Habit”
  • How His Technique For Binge Eating Can Be Applied To The No Contact Rule
  • Fighting Your Inner Pig
  • And Much More

Important Links Mentioned In This Episode

Interview Transcript:

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Alright we’re live. Ok, so, I’ll just begin and get this thing started. 

 

Alright so today we Dr. Glenn Livingston. Now, Glenn is kind of an interesting guy because he’s a veteran psychologist, been a long time CEO of a multi-million dollar consulting firm. He’s been featured on The Chicago Sun Times, CBS Radio, New York Times but what I really brought him on the show to talk about is his book: “Never Binge Again”. 

 

Now, Glenn,  I want to take a moment to welcome you to the show. I don’t think we’ve ever had such a credentialed person ever on the show before. So, welcome!

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

I hope that that is a– I hope that you’re going to feel as positive towards me at the end this show as you do in the beginning. Because what I have to say is not really 0:48  necessarily say but–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Oh, it’s perfect!

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

I’m delighted to be here. I’m delighted to be here.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Oh we’re so happy to have you here and we talked on the phone before we got the interview all set up and you told me a little bit of your story about how you kind of got into the binge eating. I mean you’re a psychologist. You’re a licensed psychologist and so, I guess, why don’t you give me like a little background on what got you in to the binge eating or what fascinates you about this topic so much.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

So, let me just say that as a little disclaimer, that when I talk about Never Binge Again and my personal story and the works that I do, it’s outside of the standards of care of my license. So, I do it as a coach and an educator. So, that I’m really free to say what I think because I don’t necessarily agree with everything that my profession is doing with regards to binge eating. So, with that said and if we agree on that then what you should know is that I got a personally very painful story about binge eating. 

 

As an adolescent and even as a young child. I had what you would could exercised bulimia. What that means is that I don’t stick my finger down my throat. I never stuck my finger down my throat at that time but I really like to eat. And I discovered because I’m 6’4″ and I was kind of muscular, still am. That if I worked out a lot–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Laughs

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Yeah, there you go! If I worked out a lot, that I could stay thin and I could as much as I want to. And that worked for me when I was exercising  2 or 3 hours a day during my adolescence and college years but I got married shortly after college and a lot more responsibilities. Graduate school was a lot harder than college was. I started to see patients. I started to have to make a big commute and I just didn’t have the time to exercise 2 or 3 hours a day. Unfortunately, I kept eating. I find it really hard to stop eating as a matter of fact with the you know–with the commute and all the busy schedule. I actually end up eating worse than I did before because I was always looking for something fast. 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Fast food? Right. So simple, you know Mcdonald’s is right there. 

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

It’s right there when you’re driving 2 hours from longer 3:15everyday. And I couldn’t stop and I couldn’t stop thinking about food and I would eat sitting and working with patients who were –I mean someone who were talking to me about wanting to kill themselves. And I was sitting and thinking, “When can I get the next pizza?” you know, when can I go to the deli and dislodge my jaw and empty most of the sandwiches in through it. And so that was a real character conflict for me because I come from a family of 17 psychologists and psychotherapists and social workers and I really –what’s most meaningful to me in life is helping people. It’s always been what’s most meaningful and I really made a commitment to be the best doctor that I could be.

And so, the fact that I found myself, not able to be present was very disturbing but because I had been brought with all this psychological perspective. You know how, sometimes if you’ve got a hammer, everything looks like a nail. I went to psychologists and psychiatrists and I went over as anonymous and I went to all of these traditionally psychological programs thinking that the problem that I had was like a hole in my soul. Like if I could figure out how to nurture my inner wounded child well enough then I wouldn’t have to eat like this anymore. And I actually self funded a study with 40,000 people. I shouldn’t mention that the consulting part of my career comes because I don’t have kids and I never commuted except for graduate school but I always worked from home.

So, I had a lot of time to work and so, I was able to do a lot of consulting with big companies and it was mostly research based. I would 5:09 . I know how to run big studies 5:12 how to do it relatively, expensively and say well, I can’t find the research that tells me why I can’t stop eating, why don’t I make it? And long story short, none of it really worked for it. I discovered that, there is a very strong co-relation between particular food problems and people’s upbringing and socio-economic status and things like that and it was very interesting. I actually got a lot of press because of it. So, for example, I figured out that, there is a relationship between people who were feeling lonely, isolated and unloved and a craving for chocolate.

 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

So, a lot of the listeners there going through break ups, probably craving chocolate right?

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Yes, particularly women. I talked to a lot of women that crave chocolate during the break up

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Really interesting.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

See, it is interesting and it’s also interesting that that’s what you chose to speak because it’s good conversation and I think that it’s worth while to explore and I happen to be a chocolate maniac and I figured out through my psychological exploration that–Well, I kind of grew up during the vietnam era and my dad was in the army and my mom was really frightened a lot when I was a little boy. And she just couldn’t be present and she would give me chocolate instead of a hug.

And so, if I would go crying to her sometimes, she would point to the refrigerator and there would be a big bottle of Bosco which is this chocolate syrup and she kept it on the bottom shelf so I could reach it  because I wasn’t 6″4′ back then. And I learned to go for chocolate instead of hugs and so that’s the perfect kind of story that makes sense with the findings we found. And I thought at that point that that was the solution. So, now we found out that someone who’s craving chocolate, we say, “In what way are you feeling isolated and lets’ figure out how to build you a sense of community. And let’s figure out how can you love yourself and how can you find more love in your life.”

But it turns out, there is this voice inside of me and this voice inside of people that in that to say, was the same analogy, they would say, “Glenn, you know what, you’re right. Your mom didn’t you love you enough and it’s not her fault but it left you with this big giant hole and until you figure out how to fill all holes that leave you feeling lonely and isolated, we’re just going to have to keep going on this big giant, hairy binges.Now, yippy! Let’s do that!” And, long story short, it turns out that that it’s that voice that’s much more of the problem than the fact that my–

 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Your mom–

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

–mom–Yeah, yeah. And by the way, I absolutely adore my mom and she knows I talk about this. So, mom I love you! I’m sorry but it’s–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

She’s not going to be listening unless she’s going through a break up.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

She’s not. Hopefully she’s not!

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Hopefully not.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

I just did by the way. But I doubt it, she’s not.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Well, I’m sorry to hear that.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Thank you.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

You came to the right place! No, I’m just kidding!

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Yeah, why don’t you help me instead?

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Glenn, Dr. Glenn, here’s what laughs–

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

No, that’s cool.. but since–so I see– where were we?

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Ah chocolate and you found the voice of the head was really the big problem here.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Yeah, and I found that for all of the other correlations with food and personality problems–emotional of sense. I found that everybody else seem to have  a similar voice. So, you know people who crave salty, starchy snacks tend to be going through a lot of stress at work. And they would say, “Well, until I could figure out how to solve this work stress problem, I’m going to have to keep eating.” So, I didn’t really know what the solution was but think this was around the time that I was 9:20 stop working for me and I was reading alternative approaches to addiction. I came across this guy named, Jack Trimpey, who wrote a book called Rational Recovery. And the essence of his attitude– I think people should read it for themselves. It’s an extremely valuable paradigm shift.

But the essence of his attitude was that, no we shouldn’t nurturing inner wounded and no, you don’t have to keep indulging your addiction until you figure out how you’re mama and your papa didn’t love you enough and you get enough love in your life. What you need to do is aggressively separate from this addictive part of themselve that throws up this crazy voices and rationalizations. And you need to learn not to nurture an inner wounded child but to develop a sense of disgust and contempt for that part of you that is ruining everything. And this was just like a radical thing to say whereas–10:25 you’re paralyzed over food and you can’t do it by yourself and you’re going to have to dependent on all this other people. This guy was saying–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Self-reliance.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Exactly, the opposite is true. It’s about freedom and responsibility and empowerment and then–ok, so the more that there’s– did you want to ask something Chris? I’m sorry.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I was just thinking, did you find that the binge eating, like in your studies that you did, did you find that breakups was a really big cause for binge eating because I’ve seen it where a heartbreak and all that type of stuff can cause people to just binge eat. Like the voice in the head–that’s a perfect thing to say because I had the same voice. When things don’t go wrong, I’m thinking, “Oh man, Mcdonald’s sounds really good right about now.”

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Right. “I’m unlovable, I’m never going to find the man of my life. I’m never going to have true love but at least there’s this one good thing I can do. There’s at least this one pleasurable thing I can do which is, chocolate or ice cream or–“

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Mcflurry, Mcdonalds!Hmm! Sounds good right now!

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Is that you’re thing now?

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, it’s my thing!

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Ok.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

No, but I can really connect with your story about you know, your early years. You rationalized it, like, “Well, if I work out really hard, I won’t gain weight.” And the reason I can really connect with that is because I think the same exact thoughts. And I imagined this really easy for someone going through a break up to have the same exact thoughts. “Like, maybe it’s easier just to binge eat instead of facing the problem.” Now, I’m really interested to hear what–you found this guy who basically said the opposite of what the–what was it? Overeaters anonymous was saying. So, what was kind of his magic formula here?

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Well, so he works largely with the black and white addictions:drugs and alcohol, smoking and things you can give up as opposed to food which–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

can’t give up. You have to have that to live.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

you got to take the Lion out of the cage and walk it around the block a couple of times right?  And I make that distinction because there’s a whole bunch of changes and modifications and illusions that I had to go through to make this work for food. And what I don’t want to happen is for people who are listening who happen to have troubles with alcohol or cigarettes or some other black and white addiction. I would much rather that they worked with Jack Trimpey’s work than mine. So, I just want to make that clear.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I’ll link to him and his book in the show notes of this episode. So, anyone listening who’s interested or going through the struggles can find the help that they need.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Yup, so what um–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Magic formula Jack Trimpey–

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Right. So, what he said was that you really need to have clarity about what you’re rule is. So, that you can hear–he doesn’t let anybody else use his words. So,I’m going to call it The Lizard Brain. So, that you can hear The Lizard Brain throw forth those crazy rationalizations to direct. So, he would say, you know when you say, “I will never drink again.” Then you know, that any voice whatsoever in your head that gives yo any reason to have alcohol now or in the future, that that’s not you. That’s going to be this thing in your head. That’s your enemy.And so, rather than make it your inner wounded child, it’s your enemy. And what you’re also pointed out was that neurologically, we’re wired to win this game because the lizard brain which is the–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

enemy

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

That’s the enemy. The lizard brain works–when it sees something in it’s environment, it evaluates it on a very, very primitive level. It says, “Should I kill it? Should I mate with it or should I eat it?” And the higher brain, the neo-cortex–the in some senses the mammalian brain. That’s where all of our goals and aspirations–that’s where love is.  That’s where connection to other people is and the thing of it is though, is that those functions 15:05 which means that they’re superior and they can regulate and modulate the lizard brain. So, even though it feels like this you know, mate, kill or eat thing takes over and that we disappear. We actually have this whole mass of neurons and you know brain structures that’s taken millions of years to evolve to make us human and control it. So, physiologically, what they’re saying in overeaters anonymous, that you know, that we’re powerless over our addiction. It’s just really not true. That’s actually good news.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Very, yeah.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

So, but on 15:44 basis he said, “Separate yourself from your inner enemy. Make a really clear statement. So, you can hear whatever your enemy says. And then ignore then ignore the other enemy forever.” And it says really simple–let me tell you how I translated that to food and how it works for me.

I decided that my inner enemy was going to be my pig. A lot of women don’t like that. A lot of women prefer to call it their B-I-T-C-H or their inner 16:13 –call it whatever you want. I call it my pig and I distinguish that from the very sweet animals that actually exist in the world. Now, I think pigs should be treated well and hugged and kissed, everything like that but not my inner pig.

My inner pig deserves nothing but my contempt. And I decided that the–to start off, I was going to make a clear rule that said I was never going to have chocolate again. I don’t recommend that everybody never has chocolate again. I think you can make conditional rules. Let’s say, “I’ll never have chocolate during the week again. I’ll only have chocolate on social occasions.” You’re full plan is entirely up to you. I’m not going to tell you how to eat. I’m just going to help you stick to it. But for me, never is a lot easier than sometimes. I’ve had experiment with all kinds of other ways and my sister can take out two little squares of chocolate and 17:04 the rest of the bar back up and put it back on your purse and say, “Oh, I”m out of control with chocolate.” And I think, “Yeah, right.” Because I would have 5 bars.

But for me never is a lot easier than sometimes. So, that was the clarity of the definition. And then I decided that any voice that I heard in my head which said that I should have chocolates for any reasons whatsoever was pig squeal. So, for example, I remember, as I was approaching Starbucks, counter 2, pay for my tea, there’s a big, hairy chocolate probably looking at me and the closer I got, the better it started looking until I heard my pig say, “You know Glenn, you’re supposed to eat a lot of vegetables right?” And this is–chocolates comes from cocoa beans and cocoa beans grow on a plant, therefore-

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Wow! That’s an interesting rationalization. I’m fascinated how you got there. Because I would just thought,”Man, that looks really good. I want that.” But you really rationalized it like, “Oh, it’s technically a vegetable right? Because it grows on a plant.” That’s really fascinating.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

That’s how my pig works. That’s how my inner pig works and so I call that pig squeal.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Wow! Pig squeal, I like it.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

That’s pig squeal and what it does is it makes the rationalizations disconnect and it provides you a kind of guttural jolt because at the moment of impulse, that lizard brain takes over and we don’t have access to our rational brains. We don’t have access to the part of us that can remember that well you know–but chocolate has all this stimulants in it and you can’t really afford the sugar, you can’t really afford–We don’t necessarily have access to it.

What’s happening in our brain at that time is, is the lizard brain is saying, “Eat, mate, kill” right? “Eat, mate, kill. You will do this. You will do this.” And we’re gone. It feels like we’re gone. We’re not really gone. We’re actually there and an interesting thing about talking to people about their over eating episodes or the binges, is that they can tell you, they can tell you who they bought the food from, how much they bought, how much you’ve cost. They remember taking the money out of the wallet. They remember how many chocolate bars they had. They remember what they had afterwards. They remember driving there. They remember driving back.

So, it’s like there’s a video camera recording it the whole time. So, we were there. We were absolutely there but at the moment, you just don’t have access to that cognitive self. And so what you really need is this guttural, primitive reaction that you programmed to yourself to feel disgusted and that buys you the microseconds to jump back into your right mind and say no. That’s how it works.

 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

So, in your example here of walking up the Starbucks counter, and you rationalizing it, what was the inner dialogue like for basically making yourself disgusted with the chocolate and basically saying, “No, I shouldn’t have that.” I’m just like eager to know, what was the inner dialogue inside your head like?

Dr.  Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

It’s like, “Woah! Wait a minute. That’s pig squeal! I don’t listen to farm animals. I don’t let farm animals tell me what to do.”

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Ok.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

It’s not what you expect a sophisticated psychologist to be talking about.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Whatever works right?I think really the important–from what I’m gathering her from listening to your process, really what’s important is kind of the rule that you make for yourself right? So, you said, what was it? No chocolate ever again right?

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Yeah.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

So, basically anything that came up against that rule, after you had that rule placed, it’s simply a function of making yourself kind of beat back the enemy and you’re way of doing that is the pig squeal type thing.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

except here’s the thing, it doesn’t require much force as you think it does.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Ok.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

This is just–it’s not any stronger than your testicles are. You know, we men have all types of urges and we can get in a lot of trouble if we don’t control and so we learn to control them. I mean Chris you don’t grab women and kiss them on the bus do you ?

 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

No. I’m not Donald Trump.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

You’re right! Don’t do that absolutely!

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I probably just lost half my viewership now. I’m just kidding!

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

I know, they always say, the marketers not to talk about 21:41 politics

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

No politics and I always stick to that but I just couldn’t resist myself.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

I’m totally with you. So, I”ll lose half my audience too! My mom actually used to sit with him in a box at forest hills. We should probably not go down this road.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

No. Ok, binge eating, binge eating!

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Binge eating, binge eating! So, the point was that you’re not Donald Trump. You don’t have a problem controlling urges that are generated by your testicles. It’s just an organ of the body. You are superior to the organs of your body.

 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Ah, very, very good analogy. Now, I wonder if there’s a better analogy we can use for women because women necessarily don’t have the same type of urges that maybe a man has.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Well, yeah. Sorry. I am sorry.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

If you don’t have one, that’s completely fine but I guess what Glenn’s trying to say here is, maybe you put it best but it’s just an organ of the body. It doesn’t necessarily control what you do right?

Dr, Glenn Livingston

Dr, Glenn Livingston

It’s kind of like, if you feel like going number 2. It’s just physical urge. And you can control exactly how it comes out or where that comes out.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

That’s true! Donald trump and–ok, nevermind.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

We are just—`

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

We went off into the weeds. Much like Trump’s debate. No, I’m just kidding!

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

I don’t know if I’m winning over near the women.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

You’re cracking me up. You won me over!

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

So, it doesn’t require a tremendous amount of force. As a matter, you can really just dismiss. Once you recognize it, you don’t have to argue with it. You don’t have to exert a lot of mental force or energy. You can really just dismiss it. I mean you wouldn’t argue with your number 2 right? You wouldn’t sit and argue with that. You would just say like, “That’s not an option now. It’s just not an option. So, that’s not what we’re doing.” So, it’s like that. It’s actually a key point because–it’s kind of like if you were dealing with a serial killer. Do you remember the movie–I forgot the name of the movie. It was from Hannibal Lecter’s

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

24:22

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Were Jody Foster is warned that when she goes to interview the serial killer, that don’t let him into her head.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Oh yeah.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

He was locked up. He was in chain. He had this mask on so he couldn’t bite people and they warned her that the way he would try to over power her was by engaging her in a dialogue and getting into her head. And the safest thing to do with Hannibal Lecter, is to just not engage. Once you recognize that this is Hannibal Lecter talking, don’t have the conversation. It doesn’t matter if your pig got a degree from Harvard and you know has the most intellectually stimulating brilliant argument for why you should do this or why you should do that. You know what it’s motives are.

It doesn’t matter if it’s smarter than you. It doesn’t matter if it’s got a million dollar research study behind it. The only good that can come from arguing it is, from engaging it is, letting it in and letting it do it do it’s thing, get to even the chance to do it’s thing. If you think about it with a serial killer and you treat it with that level of contempt then, you just ignore it. You don’t engage in that conversation.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

And this is what worked for you, after trying pretty much everything there was to try.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

It really did. It really did. No, it wasn’t perfect immediately. I had to learn some subtleties of it  and it’s kind of important to try one rule before you try to put a whole food plan together. And Chris I had to teach myself to get up after I made mistakes ad there was kind of a conflict there at first because I was saying, “Well, if I’m never going to get chocolate again-” The pig would say, “Well, you just did.” And I had to be willing to say, “Well, now I’m never going to eat chocolate again.”

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Not kind of beat yourself down for the fact that maybe you fell off the wagon a few times.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

The purpose of self castigation after a binge is to allow you to binge more. It’s very difficult to continue binging if you refuse to yell yourself. The pig, if you make a mistake, the pig will say, “You cheated. You cheated. You cheated. Your silly food plan doesn’t mean anything. Let’s just go out and be happy fat people.” And I think for women who have just gone through a break up by they way, I think that there’s a temptation to say that since you’ll never find true love, the only really pleasurable that’s there for you in life is food and binging and you have to recognize that that’s the pig.

You have to recognize that that is the enemy, that’s going to say, “That’s very tempting because it feels true at the moment. ” And I just got divorced, it feels true for me but I know that that’s my pig. I know that’s my–I’ve been very, very tempted to go back to chocolate. And I sure would take squealing over and over again but I just recognized it and ignored  and I say, “I’m just really, really sad. I have to go through this. I’m just really, really sad.”

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Now, I’m really curious because you said that you did this method and you tested it on yourself which I really like a lot because a lot of people, you know, they give advice without actually putting it practice for themselves. What were some of the positive results that you’ve got out of implementing this?

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Well, I mean, other than losing weight, I lost about 60 pounds.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

60 pounds! Seriously. Especially good for people–one of the things I advice on my website is–the worst thing you can do is, much like the serial killer analogy that you gave, is engage your ex in a dialogue because often times, they’re not ever open to talking to you. And so, I kind of structure my strategies for either getting over an ex or getting an ex back, really revolves around self improvement.

And one of the ways, I’ve found and kind of one of the big reasons I wanted to bring you onto the show was the fact that a lot of people have this inner dialogue in their heads and they just kind of fall of the bandwagon. They gain a bunch of weight. So, it’s interesting, this is something you can actually use to prevent yourself maybe from worsening your own situation which is something I see a lot of.

You know women–maybe they were kind of ok with their body image and their weight but they use the break up as an excuse to gain 20 lbs. or something. So, this can not only work for women who are going through a breakup and just don’t want to fall and slide even more but for women who also want to lose weight. But what are some of the other things that positively happen to you after you figure this thing out?

 

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Chris, I just want to mention for your audience and then I will answer that.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Go for it.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

You can use the same mental trick to stay away from your ex boyfriend.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Oh, I love it! Alright, let’s get into that.

 

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

So, you can say, “I will never talk to my ex again.” And then every little voice in your head that says, “Maybe I should call him. Maybe just, I need closure as a one last contact or we need to exchange our old clothes.” Any little thing. Maybe that’s your inner sucker.

 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Interesting. Yeah, it really correlates too because I know, they’ve done studies and found that there’s a link between the part of your brain that deals with addiction and also when you go through a break up. Like that’s the part of the brain that lights up and gets triggered. So, it’s like, for someone going through a breakup, it’s like going through a withdrawal. So, this is actually right on point with that addiction thing. What was his name? Jack Trimpage, Trimp?

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Jack Trimpey.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Trimpey? Yeah, so, it’s right on point with what he’s saying and right on point with the binging. So, it’s really, really relevant to what everyone listening is going through?

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

And the other analogy which can take us back to food also is that, when you make your rules, you have to make them with clarity. I don’t know if you recommend that every person that go through a break up just goes through no contact.

 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I do actually.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

You do 30:42

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I do recommend that but you’ll be surprised at how many people do not do it and then come back later and telling you, “Oh, I wish I had done it.” So, but yeah I do recommend that for people.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

I kind of move–I have to talk to my wife a little bit because of business reasons but I really moved dramatically in that direction a month or so ago and it’s amazing. I knew as a psychologist. I knew that was necessary but I just couldn’t do it and I had all this reasons for not doing it and then I did it and I feel much better. So, I really understand. The positives benefits are besides physical improvement and that comes up slowly by the way especially–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, it’s not like in a month you’re going to be looking like some fitness model if you’re way overweight but you know step by step. Every little bit helps.

 

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

And you don’t want to lose weight too quickly because that–it stimulates a physiological mechanism that makes you want to eat more. You know feast and famine. So, if you’re telling your body that you’re starving then–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, I’ve actually experienced that myself. I remember when I had my daughter, I would binge a lot. Just because I’ve never had been responsible for another human like this and didn’t know how to deal with it and I wasn’t getting any sleep and I didn’t want to cook. So, I just went out and got some quick fast food and I gained some weight. Now, I went on a diet but the diet was really extreme and I lost like 8 lbs in a week or something like that. And all I could think the entire time was, “Oh, I can’t wait until I can eat like Pizzahut again or something really, really bad.” And so ofcourse I binged in a day and gained like 5 lbs back. So, I can certainly connect with that.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

The solution to binging is normal eatng. The solution to binging isn’t dieting.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Really interesting, really, really interesting.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

On a practical basis, I ask people to aim–for me,  1 or 2 lbs of weight loss per week, not a lot more. Whatever your doctor tells you. Unless you’re in an emergency situation for your health that you need to lose it quicker but some of the other more important benefits where that obsession lifted. And you’ve ever been obsessed with over eating and you were like me and thinking about getting a pizza when you’re supposed to be concentrating on another person or you want to be more present for your partner or you just want to be like be out in nature and be in the moment and be mindful and present and experience what life has to offer.

And for women going through a break up, what you really need to do is, you just got to be in the moment and be able to sit with your feelings and go through them and allow yourself to mourn and start thinking about what patterns you could observe and what you want to get differently in your next relationship and start making new–all those things really require being present and getting rid of the food obssession and that in many ways–I’m even happier about that than the physical change. I was really unhappy when I was 260 lbs but I can’t tell you the difference in peace, the difference what I can accomplish in my life, the amount of energy that I have, mental energy that I have that I’m not wasting figuring out what am I going to eat and how am I going to stop and you know. What am I going to have now?

Is that enough calories and blah blah blah. It goes away in it’s place is life and all these wonderful these. Sometimes horrible things and sometimes life is horrible and so, you’re present with life and life’s terms and that’s just how it is but the physical change, the mental change and people react to me different. I’m talking about even before I lost the weight, I think people felt–I don’t know how to describe it. Like they felt my soul. They felt like I was really there.

 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Sort of like an energy type thing. Like you’re being more present, like there’s some sort of energy that you’re putting out?

 

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Yes. There’s a saying in yoga. They say, “My soul, salutes your soul. The light within me salutes thee. The light within you–” Namaste right? And I think I experienced that. I think that or rather I saw other people experiencing that with me. There was room for them in my life suddenly and I mean those connections are just wonderful. It’s just what life is about.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, you know the really interesting thing I found specifically with dealing with people. I took all the success stories that I’ve ever had and I started looking for correlations. I started looking at what they said to me, what they did and I found some obvious things. LIke a lot of people did the no contact rule but one of the things that really shocked me the most, was it actually the people who moved on from their ex.

Who kind of gained some of the clarity that you’re talking about that had more success in getting their exes back and I keep seeing different kind of examples of that time and time again where you would think, “Ok, this is the thing that has to happen to get your ex but it’s actually this other thing.” And that’s kind of the feeling that I’m getting here like most people are going to look at the binging and the benefits of it as, “Oh, you’re going to lose weight.” But really, what you’re more proud of is the extracurricular things that came afterwards.

The extra energy, kind of the spirit thing. The whatever we’re talking about here. So, it’s really interesting, there’s more applications to than just losing weight than mastering what you’re talking about and I think it really boils down to the rule that you set and basically how you stop yourself from doing what the inner voice says which is I feel like–it’s not just could be applied to binging. It could be applied to a lot of different type addiction activities throughout your life.

 

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Sure can. Maybe we should talk a little bit more about the practicalities of setting those rules?

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, I’d love to do that! So, how would one-let’s make it really, really practical for people going through a break up. So, how would someone going through a break up. Do you want to make this about food or maybe about–

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

We can make it about going through a break up. I’m fine with that.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Alright, so, someone’s going through a break up. And they’re having trouble staying away from their ex. What kind of rule and what kind of inner dialogue can someone do to prevent themselves from making that happen?

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Ok, so, I template that I use with my food people which I think would be applicable here. Is understand that there’s 4 different types of rules. There are things that you never do, there are things that you always do, there are things that you’ll only do under certain conditions and there are things that you can do in an unrestricted way. So, I think you need to look at your specific situation and define if you could get your inner sucker. I want to call it an inner sucker. If you can get your inner sucker out of the way completely.

I know your inner sucker says this is impossible but if you could get it out of the way completely, how would you want to behave? And in a lot of situations, that’s going to be, I will never contact my ex again under any circumstances. And if that’s the case, that’s a really simple rule and we can leave it like that but not everybody can do that. For example–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Oh, I was going to say, most people who come to the website are like doing a 21-45 day no contact rule. So, can a rule work in that context where, “Hey, I’m not going to contact my ex no matter what for 21 days?” Can that rule work?

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Yes, that’s what I would call the conditional rule.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Ok, conditional rule.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Or for me, it would be–I haven’t actually applied this to–I’m thinking through this spontaneously but it would something like, “I will not contact ex with anything but business and I will not contact her with anything but email.” Right?

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Like you mentioned earlier, you’re going through a break up. One thing I’ve always learned, doing this half a decade is everyone has a unique situations. So, your situation is sort of, you have to contact her for business. Like you can’t just shut her out of your life completely right?

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Right.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

So, you’re conditional rule is that but someone going through a more maybe, general break up can have the 21 day, can’t contact the ex conditional rule. So, it’s interesting to see this applications apply to different situations. And I think that’s kind of what you’re trying to get at here.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

That’s what I’m trying to get at but then I also think when I work with food and people– restrict a behavior like 39:51 “I will never eat chocolate again.” I tell them to also add something. Like, “I will always have 6 servings of fruit and vegetables everyday.” Because you’re taking something out of your life, let’s put something else that’s healthier into your life. So, help me out Chris. You know your audience better than with that point.

 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, so the big thing that comes to mind here is I always tell people they divide their life up into three aspects: health, wealth and relationships. And the thing that someone– I recommend people to do is do things in those three aspects of your life that really, really can benefit your life. So, maybe an example of wealth is maybe I’ll do a better job at school or maybe I’ll do a better job. Maybe relationship is I’ll go out and meet a new persona that I haven’t met before. Sometimes I’ve even found–even that’s I don’t necessarily recommend this but there is some reason studies done where actually going on a date and actually getting into a rebound relationship is one of the best things that you would do to get over your ex. So, there’s different ways to cultivate your life in these different areas and I think that would be a perfect thing to add to your rule. Like, ok I’m not going go to contact my ex for 21 days and at the same time, I’m going to go out and meet 5 people every week. 5 new people. I’m going to take a dance class. Something like that might actually work.

 

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Yeah, absolutely yes or I’m going to journal everyday for 20 minutes.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Perfect. Yeah, women do that too yeah.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Men do it too! You know so, we have conditional rules, we have always rules which can–like what we just talked about and then sometimes with food it’s really helpful to define things you can do without restriction. Like I can have as many vegetables as I want to . Just to really remind yourself that you’re–there’s always plenty of food around and your plan is nutritionally completely and meant you’re not going to starve. And so, that’s the first thing that you can consider with regards to rules. The second thing you want to do once you think you have a rule that you want to follow, is you want to evaluate and ask, “If 10 people followed me around all day long,–” And I wrote this up in an index card. I wrote up this rule in an index card. At the end of the day, I ask them in a group, “Did I follow the rule or not?” Would all of them agree a 100%? See, and the reason for that is that ambiguity is the pig’s best friend. The pig looks for a little hole on the food plant. A little loop hole on the definition. We can try to bring this back to the break up in a moment and I’ll tell you where I’m most familiar.

People will say things like, “I always stop eating when I’m full and I only eat when I’m hungry.” That’s what I call a guideline and not a rule because how would those 10 people know whether you stopped eating when you are full or whether you only eat when you are hungry? And the reason they wouldn’t know is because first of all, it’s all internal. And secondly, it’s a very squishy definition.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

There’s not way to measure it either.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

It’s very difficult to measure and so your pig can say, “You’re hungry. You know you’re hungry. You’re hungry. We want that. You’re not full yet. You’re not really full yet.” That doesn’t meant that’s a bad guideline. It’s a good way to live to eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’re full. But it’s never going to be more than  a guideline and if you’re really having trouble with portion control, you might want to have something that those 10 people could agree on like, “I will always get up from the table for 3 minutes and go to the bathroom before I go back for seconds.” Right?

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Now, can I ask? What’s the reason behind 10 people instead of 1?

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

When I went to graduate school, we worked really hard to figure out how to quantify very squishy concepts like love and intimacy and you know, personal space. And the way that we did that was we would have observers watch people and we give them a scale and they would code like on a scale from 1-5, you know how much I contacted this person make and you know how distant was their face from the other person’s face. And to figure out whether that scale was any good or not, we created a statistic called inter-reader reliability which was a fancy way of saying to what extend do all of this people agree. And the higher we can get that number, the less ambiguity we knew was in the scale. The better the scale actually was. and when it comes to what we’re talking about which is overcoming an addictive behavior, you really need a perfect scale. Because if the peak and final loop hole of the scale is going to bust right through it.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

It makes a lot of sense. 10 pairs of eyes is better than one pair of eyes.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

We wouldn’t know. You couldn’t calculate inter-reader reliability on one person, you need at least two but 10 is much more reliable. That’s the fact why we have juries right?

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, I absolutely love this type of thinking and I think –because the thing that I always have most trouble with when I’m advising people is saying, “Do this no contact rule.” And obviously there are situations or circumstances like –you even mentioned one where you work with your ex and you have to contact them. There’s just no way around it but keeping it just about that is really the best way to go which you cam to that conclusion all on your own without ever reading my website or anything but back to the main point before we went off on this tangent.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

I kind of want to read your website now by the way.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Probably the book’s better but I’ll just give that to you for free. But anyways, the thing I always have the most trouble recommending to people is the fact that, they break the no contact rule so easily. So, there’s this inner dialogue going on. I can see it happening. I’ve even done live coaching studies where I can see it happening to the person whether they just care so much about what their ex is thinking or their ex contacts them while they’re trying to ignore them and their inner voice says, “Oh, just one. I’ll just text him back.” So, I think the application here is perfect. Creating your rule which it’s kind of what it’s all about. It starts with the rule and then basically holding yourself accountable or trying to find some inner dialogue of yourself to hold yourself accountable. That’s kind of the gist I’m getting here from your method.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

It is. So, let’s take this analogy all the way. When I help people to create their food plan and a food plan is just the comprehensive set of rule you use to govern how you eat. When I help them create the food plan, I tell them, “You want to think of yourself like a city traffic planner.” And if you’re a city traffic planner, you would make an assessment of where are all the most dangerous intersections and what type of control do I need at minimum to protect the populous. I don’t want to slow the traffic down, I don’t want to impost too much structure because then I wouldn’t have done my job.

I’m really trying to provide maximum freedom and maximum safety at the same time. And that prevents people from making overly complex, overly restrictive rules and it really provides a criteria for them to create a simple a food plan as possible that allows them the freedom but really protects them from the dangerous intersections. And so that’s what we want people to do with their inner sucker, as they were figuring out how to define their new conduct with their ex. You know, where do you really need your freedom, where the real danger is, and if you could completely control, if you can get your inner sucker out of the way and it couldn’t say where you can’t deal with this feelings then how would you behave and why would you do that and put that together for yourself so, that you can be the person you want to be.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

So, what would you say to someone who has the rule defined and then let’s say their ex contacts them and they give in to it. They have the inner dialogue but it’s not strong enough to stop them from engaging in addictive behavior of contacting an ex?

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Well, remember, we’re wired for success and no matter what physiological impulse you might have, you do have the ability to decide not to do it at the moment. You do have that ability. Just like you had the ability to decide when and where you’re going to go number 2. That’s not a bad thing to remember because it’s a little bit gross. It brings back some unpleasant feelings. It kind of, it works as a toxic analogy to combat feeling of infatuation and some of the positive feelings you might be remembering about your ex at the moment. And so, I think that you can use that, everything is that if you make a mistake, that you just get up and do no contact again. A lot of people are frightened to say, “I’m never going to do this or I’m never going to do that again.” But I ask them, if you had  a daughter, assuming you have a 5 year old daughter and she really wants to ride and she just learned how to ride a bike and she wants to ride to the top of the hill. Maybe she’s 7, she wants to the ride it to the top of the hill without  stopping and she says, “Mommy, I’m going get there.

I really want to do it.” And let’s it’s a really big hill, even if it was much bigger than you knew she could ever do, you know without a lot of practice. Here’s what you wouldn’t say, you wouldn’t say, “No, little Sarah. I don’t think you should even try that because you’re not going to make it. You’re never going to make it the first time. So, don’t even bother.” Right?You’re not powerful enough, you’re not strong enough. What you would do is you would give her the philosophy of  a winner. You would say, “Ok, I want you to visualize yourself on top of that hill.” I want you to see yourself sitting on the top of the hill with your hands way up in the air with the victory sign, the big smile on your face. I want you to be screaming, “I did it! I did it! I did it!” And if Sarah didn’t do it, you would pick her up and say, “Ok, what did we do wrong? Did we not–even at beforehand, we do not have enough water, maybe we need to go to this exercise in the gym first. Ok now, let’s visualize the top again.” That’s how winners think. Winners get back up and do it again.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, I love the analogy. Almost a perfect analogy because you wouldn’t just–even if the daughter failed, you wouldn’t just put her down and say, “Oh, you’ll never be able to succeed.”  You’ll just pick her back up and try to build her confidence back up. I guess the same principle applies here. And really, what this will all boils down to is you have everything really structured perfectly in your book, never binge again which yes, it is about eating but a lot of the concepts that you talk about in the book can be applied to a lot of different things. So, why don’t you tell us a little bit more about your book because that’s really why we brought you on here because the book is really, really good.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Well, thanks Chris. I hope it’s good because the book is what got me to stop and break through years of food addiction. It was originally a journal. By the way, you can get the book at neverbingeagain.com on the Kindle–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

which I’ll link to for everyone listening.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Yup and what you want to do is click on the reader bonuses and that’s how you get the latest link and if you have any trouble getting it for free sometmes it’s not available out of the country, then send me an email and I will, I’ll get you a pdf copy. But the reason to do that is that I recorded a whole bunch of coaching sessions and I’ll send those to you too. So, you can carry out this works in practice and I also created a bunch of food plan starter template so that you can see how this rules work and just kind of takes them work and customize them through yourself. So, if any of this was confusing then you have that resource. Anyway, yeah so the book was originally my journal. It was my inner battles with my pig and I’d write down all of the pig squeals and all the crazy clever things that the pig was saying and how I went up beating them.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Was the chocolate at Starbucks one of them?

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Yeah.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I thought that was a fascinating rationalization. I don’t even think I’m intelligent enough to go there like, “Oh yeah, it’s chocolate but it’s growing on a plant so, technically it’s a vegetable.

 

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

My pig 53:12 It’s a short easy read. I think it’s only a 110 pages or something like that. People constantly tell me that they pick it up and they can’t put it down. it’s got over 400 reviews. It’s been a–I think it’s been the best selling book on Amazon for almost 6 now in the binge eating category. 53:40 and that’s the book!

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

That’s the book which we’ll link to excessively for you Glenn. So people will be able to read this and like I said. Even if you think you’re not having type of eating issues, Glenn and I,  must have spent like what like 20-30 minutes just talking about the applications to the no contact rule. So, there’s a lot of stuff in here that can apply to different areas of your life even if you think it’s not for you. So, it’s something that I am going to go ahead and recommend that you check out right now.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

This is a book about a mental trick of mind. It’s a mental trick of mind that you can apply to all different aspects of your life and a way to structure some clarity for yourself in how you actually want to behave. At no point in the book do I tell you what to eat or that you can’t eat this or you can’t eat that. So, I’ve had people who tell me they want to use the book to eat cereal all week long and that’s only what they have and I say, “Ok, if that’s what you think is healthy, then let’s do that.” So, it’s at neverbingeagain.com just click the big red button and then you’ll figure it out from there.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

neverbingeagain.com now where else can people find you Glenn?

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

That’s the easiest way. There’s a contact button. You know I also do my other life. I teach marketing and you could go to Glennlivingston.com and you know, sign up for my marketing list there but it’s a totally different.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

It doesn’t even apply to the binge eating thing.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Yeah, no it doesn’t . It doesn’t. I want to coach training organization. Go to neverbingeagain.com and again you’ll get to online stuff eventually if you’re interested. So, that’s the place to find me.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Any parting words of wisdom here for the listeners?

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Oh, I also have a forum at neverbingeagainforum.com

Just go to neverbingeagain.com and you’ll get everywhere. The parting words of wisdom Chris would be that:

All you need to do to never to binge again, is never binge again. You don’t have to sit by the river and contemplate your navel. You don’t have to smack yourself in the head with the spatula. You really just need to define what it means to never binge again. Learn to use a mental trick that separates your destructive thinking, the part that conditions you to do it from your constructive thinking which is all your goals and aspirations. And practice that technique until you perfect it and sit out from the top of the hill with the visualization of you reaching the top victoriously and you will.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I love having smart people on. That is so much smarter than–I think I was asked that once. I did not come anywhere close to having the parting words of wisdom you just had. So, I just want to take a moment to appreciate, tell you that I appreciate you coming on to the show Glenn.

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Thanks Chris! I appreciate on having me on. If there’s anyway I can help you, let me know.

 

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Thanks!

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Dr. Glenn Livingston

Ok.

November 10, 2016

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

With over 7 million women just like you coming to this site ever year, I’ve seen about every situation you could imagine. Most of the time, I can just ask a few questions about your situation and know in seconds the chances that you have of getting back together with him. I’ve compressed all of that wisdom into a single calculator What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back.

Take 4 Minute QuizAnd Find Out Your Chances!

What Do You Think? (23)

  1. susan mcdonald - 0

    susan mcdonald

    you suggested in my case, 30 days is not enough, because all im trying to do is get him back, so you suggested 3 months minimum but 6 months the most, from what I’ve told you, do you think at the point he will forget about me, and do you think he cares at this point from the info I told you. is it wise to have him still help me move on sat? him not blocking me all the way do you think he still cares and wants me back?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      It would be better to think of it that he has moved on. Because you won’t have a restart if you keep thinking he still wants you and he’s just not doing it. You will not get out of the chaser position in that way.

  2. susan mcdonald - 0

    susan mcdonald

    hi, my name is Susan, i have written you before regarding my dilemma, and you gave good advice, back in Oct/Nov-id mentioned i was with my ex from 2012 until July of this year, we had lived together briefly after that, he was not financially stable as i was(we are ten years apart, i’m 10 years older then him), so my ex name is Mel. when i last wrote you it was him saying after the break up in July of 2016 to give him time to get himself together financially and then we can try the relationship again, since after the break up in July, he hadn’t been communicating much with me, texting, calling seeing me as much as i wanted, i would be the one to do that, so the holidays roll around, thanksgiving, Xmas, new years eve, he goes out of town because he has family six hours away from where he lives, he hadn’t invited me to come along, unlike last year i spent all three holidays with him and got to meet his mom that lives out of town and his grandparents, so i said to him can we at least spend one holiday together, he says we will, that would’ve been new years, new years he says we can, he texts me back after i asked where and what time did he want to meet he says i am just going to spend time with my family, so i was very upset and sent him a text like lets throw in the towel on this i’m done, ton top of that i am moving sat Jan 7th and i gave him $60 to help me move and i said in fact don’t bother helping me f**** move, give me back my money and go f*** yourself, he calls and says i said for months give me time to get myself together for financial reasons and you have been pressuring me all this time, you are extremely needy and clingy and immature and need to grow up, your a kid that if they do not get there way they last out, he said i needed you when i was at a down point in my life, all you did was emasculate me because i wasn’t as financial stable as you and kick me out of the house and now you expect me to just forget. i didn’t reply after that so at this point i read your read up on being clingy and how to overcome that, and looking back after the break up he was being pressured by me, because i text him every other day to give me a chance and that he never sees me and doesn’t give me, love, affection and attention and we have no sex life, I’ve made it very clear to him that i have not been dating since the break up in July and he said i just need to relax. my goal this time around is to not call, text and after the move not give him keys, invite him over, ask to hang out which i would do all the time after break p, to mirror his image, so he doesn’t see me as clingy anymore, he even blurted out that is why he became so distant because after break up i was calling and texting and he felt smothered and that i was too old to be acting like that. there would be times he would block me because i would just get so upset with not seeing him and hearing from him i would create a burner number and call him from that and he said that is immature. so since that argument this past weekend, i haven’t called or text and my plan is not until sat for the move, because he is helping me and after that wait 30 days this time and let him see i’m not needy and clingy and immature like he thinks. i just really love him and miss him, he is not dating anyone and he after the break up and having kicked him out he end up staying with a couple that has two kids, i offered that if comes back to live with me, i wont let him feel less then a man, and smother him, he said he would think about it., but that was Thur and the fight was this weekend. at this point what would i do, I’ve realized I’ve been going overboard, what suggestions do you have for me and do you think i can get him back at this point with all the clingy and smothering I’ve been doing.

    do you think him still even talking to me is a good thing or he is just doing it out of pity? he has been the only guy I’ve been with since moving from Mass to Florida in 2012. PLEASE I NEED HELP. starting the 30 day no contact rule today Jan 2, but it will be interrupted do to him helping me move on Sat and resume after Jan 8th to Feb 8th, do you think that would even matter after all that’s been going on with us?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Susan,
      actually 30 days is not enough if he sees you that way.. It’s just too predictable that everything you’re doing is trying to get him back. Frankly, for someone to believe you have moved on or starting to move on that is in the same case as you, it has to be long time of no contact… maybe 3 months is the least, but realistically it would be 6 months to a year.

    • Lisa - 0

      Lisa

      Hi amor ,
      I’m confused . Isn’t the longest nc you should do be 45 days? Why are u recommended 3 months to a year?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      the common longest one is 45 days but on some cases it needs to be longer for a restart

  3. Sandy - 0

    Sandy

    Hi!
    I am currently in NC period. We broke up a couple of weeks ago. During this period, he contacted me once to talk about money matter. We talked about it twice. It was brief and I kept it professional.
    We dated for over five years (3 yrs long distance, different contenients) and his family members like me. His grandma is asking about me and wants to see me. No one knows about the breakup yet. His mom knows and she wants to see me when I’m in town. It’s been so long that I have seen them and I feel I need to see them. I want to see them also. I don’t know if NC applies to his family members too. Can I meet with his family members? Thank you for you time.

    Sandy

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Sandy,

      if you can postpone seeing his family for now.. it can seem like you’re trying to build a bridge to him through them

    • Sandy - 0

      Sandy

      Hi Amor,
      Thanks for the reply. One of the reasons we broke up was that he thinks I dont treat his mom well. I treated her with respect but not friendly. I didn’t know what to talk about with her.
      During NC period, we are supposed to build ourselves, right? Having better relationship with his mom is something I should do. Do I do in during or after the NC period? Thank you again.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      yep you need to improve yourself during and after nv period while building rapport with his mom too..so, yes, build rapport with him and his mom after nc

    • Sandy - 0

      Sandy

      One more question. We have nicknames for each other and he still calls me that. We called each other by nick names, never use our real names. Should I call him by his nickname or by his real name? Thank you again!

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      it would be better to call him by his name at first stages of building rapport

  4. Suhani - 0

    Suhani

    I met this guy 6yrs ago, we have been good friends and I started developing feelings for him, but he always friend zoned me out and after some months, we both started being in friends with benefits relation.. he never committed to me but we kept on continuing our so called benefits relation from past 5yrs, he left me twice and after his relation didn’t work he came back to me. Recently 3months ago, he ended everything and reason was he met someone new in his life. I was very much in depression, I came to this site and I read about no contact rule. Yes, I didn’t wish him Birthday nor contacted him by any means.. Day 26 of NC he texted me and he said he missed me and I didn’t wished him birthday hurted him most. And he confessed me that he misses me and wants me in his life but he likes someone too. This irked me, because from past 6yrs I have been waiting for this guy and he just used me. I was in depression, I used to stay home, cried for hours.. it took me a lot of courage to block him everywhere, I focused on moving on and I changed myself into a better person.. I coloured my hair, got new look..and he tried contacting me through our mutual friends, he stalked me through fake profiles and texted me I look hot, and for moment I only told him I hate him and I wouldn’t talk to him ever, he said he missed me, he wants me back as friends with benefits only.. he can’t promise me to commit and all I m doing right now is No contact rule from week, I don’t know what should I do? I really love him still.. how should I make him commit to me?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Suhani,

      you cant force him. The only approach is to refuse being friends with benefits. We train others on how they treat us. What you keep allowing is the reflection of your standards.

  5. Natacha - 0

    Natacha

    Hello,
    So I will try and keep this short. My fiance and I have known eachother since we were like 13. We reconnected and had dated for 1 year and 7 months. He also lived with me. He proposed about a year into the relationship. He says that there was no one else and that he needs to work in himself yet he is already dating someone else. I broke up with him for a few days and then we got back together only for him to break up with me a week later. During this breakup this girl suddenly appearred. Anyways I did what I shouldn’t do I begged for once and then got nasty because I was hurt. After the first week of no contact he texted me to take care of his little boy( his pet turtle) and he messaged my brother the same and then a few hours later told him he had some work done on his arm and hes about to be tatted. My brother ignored him. I am on my second week of no contact. I think they saw me last saturday because I thought i saw the girl and then I got a text from him saying “Why do i still dream about you natacha”. Anyways yesterday he texts my brother from his new number telling him to watch some show and then again today he texted him “yo” . My brother wants to respond but I told him no contact means no contact. Should he respond? What does all this mean? I keep going from being sad to angry. I dont understand how someone can talk about wanting to spend the rest of his life with you to literally breaking up with you the next day.

    *update he called me from a different number and said he missed and he needed to hear my voice..also said he would text me from his new number . So he texts me from the new number I take awhile to respond and then he calls me saying hes been having a tough time… I’m thinking yeah right because I know hes with this new girl..so i say I dont really understand how you can be having a hard time and he goes well maybe this was a mistake calling..and i like a dummy was like well im sorry you feel that way but dont go . anyways he ends the conversation then texts me that he misses me so then I remembered that I need to be in control so i did say i miss him to and goodnight. He texted me this AM saying that he hopes I have a good day
    .. I’m thinking I should go back into no contact?

    guess this wasnt short !

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Natacha,

      when did you first break up? And when was the last?

  6. Jai - 0

    Jai

    I just graduated from Medical school and started residency 6 months ago. When I started residency, I started to see one of the senior residents at work. I didn’t want to because I figured it would be a bad idea and I wasn’t sure he was trying to date. In the beginning he was around me all the time, he would spend the night at my place and I would spend the night at his place (seeing each other after work). Eventually, I had a lot of problems at work (my co-workers didnt really like me). This caused problems between us, plus he decided he didnt want to be comitted (he want the ability to see other people). I let him know I didnt want this. Eventually, he told me after a couple months he didnt want to see me anymore; he was very harsh about it ( he was already going on dates with pther people, he told me this). I let him be, he was going to a different work site so it was easier. I was really saddened by this because I really liked him. After 2 months, I felt better but still missed him so I started to message him (this is after he tried to call me but I missed the call). He started to ask me to hang out again, eventually we started having sex again (hadn’t hung out). I made a mistake though, I freaked out on him because I thought he started to block me ( he says he didnt he lost his phone). Also, their was a party that one of his friends was throwing and he invited all the co-workers but me. This is another reason I freaked out on him because I didnt understand why he didnt want me to go. I confronted him about this, he said that Id never seen him in party mode and he might not of been able to be himself if I was there. What does that mean? What should I do at this point? I havent really said anything to him and he hasn’t said anything to me either. We still have to see each other at work because he’s back at the central site but we dont see each other that much as he’s doing other things.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Jai,
      don’t be friends with benefits, if you don’t want to be treated that way. You’re expecting more from someone who’s not giving you more..

  7. jast - 0

    jast

    Hi chris,
    it’s been 15 days since i started the no contact rule.
    me and my ex boyfriend been together for only 3 months. and i was his first serious relationship, he is immature and full of pride. but the relationship wasn’t bad.

    we broke up for some reason that he was depressed in his school, family and sometimes we have mild argue so that’s including me.

    and I tried to reach to him after the break up when i read his facebook posts about me.
    but it ended up not cool because he was replying negative to neutral.

    and for being stubborn he is. he contacted me only 1 time during the 15th day of NC.
    I thought it would be a good idea to break the contact rule when i was aware during the days if NC. He is posting some qoutes that indirectly for me. negative turn into a positive qoutes.
    plus the factor he initiated contact.

    tada: here’s our convo.

    him: doing well?
    me: good how about you?
    him: Haha. fun xD.
    me: what kind of fun stuffs?
    him: Can’t describe xD
    me: still good for you! 🙂
    *seen
    me: I’ve been into a awesome place and it was awesome. you’ll see cool stuffs in there
    him: been to ___ but didn’t took pictures.
    me: which part? man i wish i could see the view :V
    *seen
    him: I’m now outside eating something why?
    him: Oh shit
    him: fuck my life, when your friends’ name starts with letter j, jerica,jerlyn, jayvee :V

    I didn’t respond after this. because it was getting out of hand.

    my question is:
    what will i do now? since i know he tends to be hot and cold.
    and at the same time the 15 day contact rule didn’t work.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Jast,

      What did he meant in his last message? Did you improve yourself during nc? And actually, you shouldn’t have replied to that text, because it’s like assuring him that you’ll still reply whenever he messages you.

  8. Amy - 0

    Amy

    Hi Chris, Please help!!

    So I recently got back in touch with my ex after about 5-6 months of no contact. I had no intention of getting back in touch with him since I had learned he was using drugs. He had asked a mutual friend for my number because he felt he needed to talk to me again. He explained that he is off the drugs and is working on his excessive drinking.

    (Bit of background, I am only 16, he is 17 and has Aspergers and ADHD which is why I’m worried of certain things I say to him, he may not take it the same way others do).

    We have spoken nearly everyday for the last 2 weeks and its all gone smoothly. He has mentioned how I still look great and brought up memories of when we were together.
    However, I messaged him today after not speaking for a few days and he said he had done something wrong yesterday so he was feeling really bad. He didn’t say anything straight but he said how his arm was “still sore” so I asked if he had been in a fight or injected drugs. He denied both and said it was the “other thing.” This devastated and angered me so I immediately said I didn’t want to talk to him anymore at that moment. He didn’t fight me on it.

    What should I do in order to “win him back” or regain his attention? I really thought he was wanting to give us another try but this has shattered that dream at the minute.

    I would really appreciate some help please and as soon as possible!!

    Reply
    • Amy - 0

      Amy

      Plus we broke up 8 months ago after only 2 months of dating.

      Thank you!

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Amy,

      that other thing, is that contradicting to your values? Is that something that is non-negotiable for you?

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