Welcome to another episode of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery podcast. Today, we’re going to be talking about the no contact rule, specifically does the no contact rule work if you’ve been blocked?

We’re going to hear from a listener named Diana who has a question about just that. But before we hear her question, I first want to let you know that no matter what situation that you’re in, you’re always going to need a starting point.

Whether you want to get your ex back or you want to get over your ex, the best thing you should always do is start on our website, and take our ex recovery chances quiz.

Now, I know, I know I sound like a broken record always talking about this quiz, but that’s because I think it’s the perfect starting point for you to determine what you should be doing about your situation.

Most people, when they start trying to get exes back, have no idea where to begin. The first question they always have for me is,

“Chris, do I have a chance of getting back with my ex?”

Even if they’re a little on the fence about it, having that knowledge can help them make decisions going forward.

Now, I put together a special quiz designed to basically answer this exact question. It’s on my website. Again, www.exboyfriendrecovery.com.

All you’ve got to do is simply look in the navigation bar and click on the quiz tab. It’ll take you right to the quiz where you can take a two minute assessment where I’m going to ask you all sorts of questions about you, your ex, and your past relationship together.

Then based on your answers, I can give you an approximate idea of what your chances are.

If you’re interested in taking that quiz again, hop over to my website. But now that that’s out of the way, which I can’t tell you how glad I am that that’s out of the way, let’s hear from Diana.

The Listeners Question

“Is there a way for the no contact to work if he blocked me from his cell phone? I am one week into no contact, will this still work?”

Now, I chose this question not only because it’s shorter, which is always easy for me to handle because we get so many questions every single day, but because really what she’s asking here is two questions.

She first wants to figure out will the no contact rule work for her, especially if she’s been blocked. But also she wants to learn how to handle the no contact rule if she’s been blocked.

That’s what we’re going to focus our time on today. Basically, I’m going to teach you if the no contact rule will work, if you’ve been blocked a little bit, about how the no contact rule will work, and also what to do if you’re blocked during the no contact rule.

Let me first start off by saying, I think there’s a really big misconception about the no contact rule. Most people, when they hear about the no contact rule, they only focus on one aspect of it.

They focus on the aspect that can potentially happen where an ex will reach out to you.

Sometimes they’ll say, “Oh, I made a mistake,” or, “I miss you,” or they’ll reach out to you or get a little upset that you’re not responding to them.

But I think this is a really common misconception because people who only focus on this aspect of a no contact rule are kind of missing the boat of what the no contact rule is supposed to do.

Here’s the common misconception that I’m seeing time and time again, people believe that the no contact rule doesn’t consider or isn’t considered working if you don’t hear from an ex.

What you really need to understand is, technically speaking, the no contact rule can work if one of three criteria are met.

What are those three criteria?

Well, number one is by implementing a no contact rule, it’s supposed to give both you and him time to let your emotions settle. You see, usually during a breakup, there’s quite a bit of anger, resentment, and, quite honestly, genuine despair between you and him or her.

Now, these are all incredibly strong emotions, and emotions tend to override our ability to act and react rationally. We’ve all heard that phrase, when emotion runs high, logic runs low. That is sort of what the no contact rule can do, it can help kind of get your logic back in line and in control.

By implementing a no contact rule, if you stick to it for, let’s say, the entire 30 day rule that we recommend, and sometimes people will do the 21 day rule, the 45 day rule, depending on their situation. But, generally speaking, most people are going to fall in that 30 day time frame.

If you’re doing that 30 day rule, the no contact will can technically work because it will give you time, both him and you time, to settle down and let logic win out.

But there’s also a second criteria that can be considered working with the no contact rule. That’s it gives you a chance to evolve.

It allows you a chance to become a better version of yourself.

That’s never a bad idea, especially when you reconnect with your ex, when that time does come, you need to bring more value to the table than he expects you. I think that’s really what it’s all about, right?

Most of the people who focus on the no contact rule get so settled on what their ex is doing, they forget to kind of look internally.

I know it sounds very cliche, but sometimes the cliches are there for a reason, so that’s the second criteria that I would use to consider a no contact rule technically working.

But the third one is the more kind of common one that you would think of. The no contact rule can allow you to turn your ex’s mindset against him, so he’ll expect you to contact him and, when you don’t, his thoughts become, “Well, why isn’t she contacting me?”

Technically speaking, these are the three criteria that can dictate whether or not the no contact rule is working, but I think what you probably also need to learn is a little bit about the psychology behind how the no contact rule works because it’s not just hitting these criteria that matters in the grand scheme of thing, it’s also gaining understanding about why we implement the no contact rule.

Why We Implement The No Contact Rule

Now, there’s been this alarming trend lately where we’re having some ‘experts’ out there say that the no contact rule is a bad idea and that it doesn’t work. But all of our research psychology wise says something different.

What I’m going to point to today is two psychological researches that I often point to to prove to people, yes, this is something that you should be doing and using.

What are those two specific psychological ideas behind how the no contact rule is meant to work?

Well, there’s one, which is the theory of reactance, and there’s two, which is the information gap theory.

What are those two things?

The Theory Of Reactance.

The theory of reactions refers to the human need to react when someone or something interferes with things that come naturally, also called behavioural freedoms. You see, when you implement a no contact rule, you’re taking away your ex’s ‘free will’, the choice to talk to you or not talk to you was his and someone has taken it away, you.

Now, ideally this will cause him or raise the chances that he’s going to react. He will try and force you to talk to him. It’s a little bit of this idea of like, hey, I’m going to take your cookie away, now all of a sudden, you want your cookie back.

But of course that’s not all that sort of powers the power of the no contact, rule, we also have information gap theory.

Now, information gap theory is a little bit harder to describe because you kind of need some visualisation to sort of fully understand it, but I’m hoping that you can open your minds to maybe visualising some of the things I’m going to be talking about.

What is the information gap theory?

Well, the information gap theory basically states that when it feels as if we are missing out on something, the mind seeks to fill the void. Imagine that there’s a triangle, right?

We all know what a triangle looks like, but let’s say that the bottom of the triangle isn’t closed, it’s just an upside down V. You look at that, and your mind just gets a little annoyed by it. Every so often you just kind of want that bottom of that triangle to close.

Another really great example is, let’s say that you and I are best friends and I invite myself over to your house one day. I knock on the door, you say, “Hey Chris, what’s up?” I say, “Hey, can I come in?” You’re like, “Oh yeah, sure. Come right on in.” You invite me in and I don’t close the door, I leave it open.

You, in the back of your mind are like, I want to close that door, but I take you away from the door. I take you into your living room and say, “Hey, this is a really cool painting. Tell me about who painted that painting,” all the while you’re sitting there, obsessing about the fact that the door is open, it’s annoying you.

You have to close it. You can’t focus on anything else.

The no contact rule acts as the ‘open door’ for your ex. There’s unfinished business that needs to get finished.

Now, that we understand a little bit more about how the no contact rule works psychologically and even how you can look at the criteria to determine that it works, let’s switch focus on what you’re probably dying to learn about, and that’s what to do if you’ve been blocked during the no contact rule.

There Are Four Points

There’s really four points that I want to leave you with on this particular section. Let’s go down them one by one, and then we’ll define each one of them later.

Point number one, it’s that over 70% of exes who are blocked get unblocked at some point.

Point number two is understanding what soft blocks are versus hard blocks.

Point number three is learning to create mystery on social media to capture your ex’s attention.

Point four is sending them a text from a new number, which I have some interesting thoughts on, but let’s start from the top and go through it.

Point number one with what to do if you’re blocked by your ex is understanding that over 70% of exes who are blocked get unblocked at some point. What we learn is that oftentimes when an ex blocks you, it is usually due to a knee jerk reaction. Most of the time breakups don’t go really well.

There’s a lot of anger involved from your side, anger involved from his or her side. You’re just kind of fighting a lot, right?

Sometimes our fight or flight response gets triggered, and the people who are ‘fighting’ from this situation will block you because they don’t want to deal with you anymore. But that’s the brilliance of the no contact rule. Sometimes just ignoring your ex is enough to null, kind of inception yourself into their mind, so they start wondering what you’re up to, what is going on.

That’s why we see a high level of people who have been blocked by simply doing nothing will get unblocked just by being patient.

Now, it’s one of the hardest things to do because when you’re blocked and you are basically being no contacted by your ex, that reactance kicks in, you start to basically get really upset by the fact that you don’t have an ability to talk to your ex.

Usually, most of the time, you need to understand that you will get unblocked simply by doing nothing, just by playing the odds in your favor, but we don’t want to just play the odds in our favor.

We want to go a little bit deeper and come up with a plan for grabbing an ex’s attention to get him to unblock you or, barring that, finding some way of communicating, right, so that’s really the first point that I want you to understand.

The second point is understanding the difference between soft blocks versus hard blocks.

When there’s these knee jerk blocking reactions by your ex, there’s also knee jerk reactions that you guys tend to have when you’re talking to me or Coach Anna or even my wife sometimes.

You’re saying, “My God, he’s blocked me on Facebook. My God, he’s blocked me on Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, whatever.” I don’t know many guys who use Pinterest by the way.

What you need to understand is that there’s a difference between soft blocks and hard blocks.

Soft blocks are pretty simple. It’s meaning you’re blocked maybe on Facebook, but you can still talk to him or communicate with him through cell phones.

Hard blocks is the exact opposite. You are blocked everywhere imaginable.

Now, let’s go back to soft blocks a little bit. If you are soft blocked by your ex, maybe you’re blocked to communicate on the phone with him, but you’re still able to communicate with him through Facebook. What you need to first do before you start figuring out how to handle being blocked by your ex is figure out which category you fit into.

Are you a soft block or are you a hard block?

Usually most of our clients fall in the soft block category, but if you are stuck in kind of the hard block category, what can you do?

Well, that’s where step number three really comes into play here, and that’s creating mystery on social media to capture their attention.

Now, you’re probably sitting there and wondering, well, why? That doesn’t even make any sense because if you’re ‘hard blocked’, how would your ex even see your social media account?

Well, what we’ve learned through research and also our own personal findings is that most exes, in fact, research has the number up to 90% of exes will Facebook creep or stalk their ex digitally after the breakup, they get curious to see what you’re up to.

Now, the issue most women have is they don’t really have a good way of creating enough mystery or intent or reason for an ex to want to reach out. I’ll give you an example, most people and women who are going through breakups sometimes don’t want to deal with social media.

They just want to lock themselves in a room and feel sorry for themselves, and that I totally get, believe me, I get that more than you probably realize.

But the smarter thing to do is actually to use social media, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, all of the tools in your tool belt, even if you’re blocked, to create the narrative that you want to have created about you.

If your ex broke up with you because he thought you were too stable, do something adventurous. If your ex thought or broke up with you because you were too adventurous or too mysterious, do something stable.

Find a way to reshape his perception, to change the paradigm in your favor.

All right, now we get to the final one

This is something that I don’t love to recommend to people, but I feel a need to mention its existence because we have had clients do this, though, I will say not many of them have been successful, and that’s sending an ex a text from a new number.

There’s a very specific way to do this, and I’m going to go on the record right here, right now, I say more times than not, 9.5 times out of 10 do not do this, but if you have for six months you’ve been blocked, you’ve tried everything to not seem like a creepy stalker, to not show up your ex’s door.

You’ve done everything we’ve recommended. You’ve learned that you’re in a hard block, you’ve waited enough time, you’ve created that mystery on social media, you’ve gone out, you’ve improved your life.

If you’re still blocked and you still are just dying to hear from your ex, one thing we have seen our clients do is to go out, buy a new phone, get a new number, and text their ex with the following text,

“Hey, I’m just letting you know I got a new number. I didn’t know if you would need it. This is like a mass text I’m sending out to everyone.”

We have had a few clients who haven’t gotten much overall success but have gotten responses from exes who have done that. Now, here’s the issue with this, sending a new text from a new number. Sometimes it is enough to creep an ex out to where you lose your chance forever, right?

But it is the only option we see for people who are hard blocked to find a way to kind of throw that last hail Mary. I want to reiterate, this is something I actually would not recommend, but it is kind of my duty to show you every possible thing that you can do.

Now, when you take all that into account, Diana,

Yes, the no contact rule can definitely work if you’ve been blocked.

12 thoughts on “Does No Contact Work If Your Ex Has You Blocked?”

  1. Avatar

    Mary

    October 12, 2019 at 5:27 am

    My ex-boyfriend is in the military (army medic) stationed in TX and I live in STL. We dated very happily for about 8 months and I thought he was the one. He came home on leave to STL for a month and we hit it off and continued a long distance relationship when he went back to TX. He painted a beautiful picture in my head of us living together, getting married, and traveling the world. One day out of nowhere, his sister told him I was saying bad things about their family and with no proof he believed her (even though it was not true.) He instantly broke up with me without even communicating with me about what was going on. His sister had almost her entire family block me on Facebook and to this day I have no idea why she did this. He said he cannot live in a world where his sister and girlfriend don’t get along even though I tried everything to amend things with her, she did not care nor did she try but he continued to put the blame on me. When he broke up with me, he also said it was because he did not love me anymore nor did he think I was the one, but then he kept reaching out to me for the next three weeks post breakup telling me he loved me, missed me, was thinking about me, etc. His sister then told him he had to choose between me and her so he ended it for good again, and again said it was because he didn’t love me and not because of his sister. After it was ended for good, his sister (who I work with) started spreading the same lies around work telling coworkers I said nasty things about her family. When I texted her to try and stick up for myself (it was not a nasty text but just a plea for her to tell me why she was doing this) she accused me of harassment and the next day my ex blocked my number and took me off social media. I am very hurt because now I do not know if he ever loved me or if he is using that as an excuse to push me away because he doesn’t want to lose his sister/family. I am also hurt that he feels I was capable of doing what his sister blamed me of. I now have to use the no contact rule because I do not have a choice.

    In your opinion, does it sound like he broke up with me due to his sister or because the love was not real? I am completely heartbroken. Why do people tell you they love you then give up on you? (It also doesn’t help that he was dealing with depression and said he was confused about himself and life in general.)

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 12, 2019 at 11:17 pm

      Hi Mary, if he is a family man then it may have influenced his decision to end things yes. However he may be conflicted with what is going to make him happy especially if he is struggling with depression too. So if you want to get him back NC and reach out like the texts Chris advises.

  2. Avatar

    Molebogeng Banda

    October 7, 2019 at 8:17 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I dated my bf for 4 years and around the beginning of June I found out he was dating another girl and that they had been dating for 3 years. It broke me that he wasn’t willing to let her go for me but because I loved him, I decided to turn a blind eye and forgive him. It was not easy though, was paranoid and very insecure. I questioned and doubted his every move.

    I thought I had forgiven him, I guess not as I started looking for an emotional connection with another guy whom I found comfort in. One thing lead to another until I found myself cheating, though I felt nothing for this other guy. I just enjoyed his company.

    After I found out about the other girl, he made no effort to work things out with me. He always gave me the response of “I don’t know”, whenever I would ask if they were still together.

    So I didn’t see him in person for about four months though we spoke frequently on the phone and via texting. After not seeing him for that four months, we decided that I was to visit him. Upon my arrival to his house, everything was going well until he utilised an opportunity to go through my phone and found text messages between me and the other guy.

    I tried covering up my cheating by lying which made his anger worse. I lied until I couldn’t lie nomore and came clean, told him everything. He threw me out of his house, drove me to a friend’s place around 3am and told me he wants nothing to do with me.

    After a day of him finding out about the affair, I sent him a text just to apologize which he showed me he deleted, I am not even sure if he read it or not.

    I have not contacted him since the apology I sent him. I want him back, yes. He wants nothing to do with me and assuming he has blocked me on social media.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 9, 2019 at 11:05 pm

      Hi there, so as you lost his trust and you chose to forgive his cheating. You need to show how you’re going to work on yourself and using social media show all the positive changes you’re making in your life and then approach him with a text that is classed as a hook – interest of his that will make him talk to you about htat and work your way back up the value chain

  3. Avatar

    Briana Sumter

    October 1, 2019 at 4:22 pm

    Hi
    My ex of 14 months broke up with me about a month ago. It was a long distance relationship. I met him at my hoarding school and we dated for 10 months. When he went back home to Germany, he broke up with me because he didn’t have the same feelings towards me. I explained to him how happy he made me and we got back together. At the start of the summer he told me he stopped loving me/ loving me less. It was a very hard time for me, but somehow i persuaded him to stay with me. I went to Germany for three weeks and he was so happy to spend time with me and told me he won’t leave me. I came back home after the three weeks, and went through a very bad stage of depression. I wrote out a suicide letter to family and friends, and wrote things about my relationship in there as well, but nothing bad about him. Two days after he told me it’s over. I became crazy, begged and pleaded. And still he wouldn’t budge. Two weeks passed by and i contact him again saying i am sorry for the way i acted. and he told me that he won’t come back. He then used the excuse “it’s not you, it’s me” and told me that he is happy with or without me. That he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I asked him if maybe in the future and he said “ i don’t think so” he told me that i should just forget about him, and that he is happy with his life right now and doesn’t want anyone, but he also said he can’t say now what the future will hold. When i asked him if we can take a break he said yes for six years. I got mad and told him why he didn’t tell me that he didn’t want to be with me when i went to go see him, and said how can you be like this and that he is hurting me, and without a question he has blocked me. I later found out that day (yesterday) that he was kissing an other girl while he was drunk. I really miss him. I don’t need him in my life to be “happy” but he gave me feeling i don’t want with anyone else. Someone please help me.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 1, 2019 at 9:10 pm

      Hey Briana, so your first task. To be happy without him in your life, because it is not someone elses’ job to make you happy in life. I know you love this person and that is an addictive feeling. But if you can’t be happy single then you are going to fall dependant on someone else to make you happy time and time again. Read up on the Ungettable girl and work on your Holy Trinity, the rest will fall into place

  4. Avatar

    Mags

    September 27, 2019 at 6:39 pm

    Hello,
    i met a guy on tinder, we were talking for about 3 months. I was convinced that he wasn’t that interested in me: we bearly saw each other (we met once) even thought i told him my days off. All through, he did mention he will be more free in October when we go back to college (we both worked during the summer, different schedules: him in the morning me in the afternoon). I was done playing games and wanted to take some time to see with myself if I’m actually going to wait untill October or just end it. He got mad at me for continuing posting on Instagram whrn i told him i needed some time to think. He had blocked me since. I’m trying this “no contact rule”, but do you think he’ll stop being angry at me? And should i give us another chance?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 29, 2019 at 8:09 pm

      Hi Mags, honestly I would look at this situation and consider if this is the type of person who you would want a relationship with. To get angry at you for posting on YOUR social media pages is a RED FLAG. You told him you need time away from him he isn’t giving you that. But, yes complete a NC and reach out after a full 30 days if you feel this is someone worth your time

  5. Avatar

    Anon

    September 26, 2019 at 11:18 am

    If I’m still blocked by the end of the 30 days, should I just continue no contact?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 26, 2019 at 8:05 pm

      If you are in a Hard Block then yes, continue to work the Holy Trinity and eventually you will likely be unblocked within the next 6 months, if you are on a Soft Block use an alternative method to contact your ex.

  6. Avatar

    Sarah

    September 18, 2019 at 3:26 pm

    Hi,

    My ex of 2 years broke up with me nearly 2 years ago. He said he wasn’t feeling the same way about me and I was hurt. I did NC etc, and struggled as we work together. We became friends and got on well until April this year when a misunderstanding ended all contact between us except the basics at work. We do not text, call etc and he has no social media.
    Another girl we work with- I’ll call her Jane- was my best friend for years. She encouraged me to start dating my ex and whenever we had problems she would remind us how much we loved each other and point out how in love with me he was and we made each other better people. She really supported our relationship. Jane started seeing another guy from work (James) and then was cheating on him. She asked me what to do, and I said she had to choose and that if James asked, I wouldn’t lie to him. She instantly cut off contact with me. My ex comforted me at the end of the friendship but agreed with my response to her as he hated cheaters and what she was doing was wrong.
    I have now found out, the last 2 months, my ex and Jane have been dating. They haven’t told me and don’t know I know. I’m really hurt. I don’t have a friendship with either but it still feels like a betrayal. Our friendship and relationship must have been a lie. She also knows how much my ex meant to me.

    Please please help.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 19, 2019 at 9:38 am

      Hi Sarah, that’s very hurtful for your friend to do that, but also for your ex to comfort you. Focus on yourself and getting your happiness back without them. Their cheating will come to light soon enough.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.