This is a complete guide for how to make your ex miss you without talking to them.
So, if you’re looking for:
- What actually makes an ex miss you.
- The role no contact plays into that.
- How attachment theory plays a role.
Then you are definitely in the right place.
Let’s begin!
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizMaking An Ex Miss You Without Talking To Them
If you’re trying to get your ex back, one of the crucial steps is to make them actually miss you. Now some people have the completely wrong idea here and think that talking to their ex is the only way to make them miss you.
That’s not really true!
You can make your ex miss you without even talking to them thanks to the no contact rule.
So, what is the no contact rule?
Here’s the updated 2021 definition of the no contact rule that we’ve come up with after almost a decade of experimentation and seeing what actually works in real life:
The no contact rule is a period of time where you cut off all conceivable communication with an ex after a breakup. The intent of this tactic should not be to make your ex miss you, but instead should be used to rebuild your own life so you can outgrow your ex. By doing this the no contact rule can have the added benefit of making an ex miss you.
See how making your ex miss you is more of an afterthought rather than the main purpose of the no contact rule?
The key to a successful no-contact rule is the intent behind it.
Most people only look at no contact as a tactic of playing hard to get and making their ex miss them, but over the years we’ve seen that approach fail time and time again. After all, if all you did during no contact was obsess over your ex, what’s changed to make them miss you?
There needs to be some level of self-development or change to make your ex miss you and there’s no way you’ll get there if you spend the whole no contact rule pining over your ex. Instead, you need to seize the no contact rule as an opportunity to concentrate on bettering other elements of your life. That way, you emerge from the no contact period as someone your ex might actually miss.
I recently came across a philosophical concept that perfectly describes this whole process…
The Backwards Law
The backwards law proposes that the more we pursue something, the more we achieve the opposite of what we truly want and the more disappointed we end up feeling.
Or simply put – the harder we try, the less likely we’ll succeed.
You can also flip that around to mean that when we stop trying too hard we’ll have what we want.
You’ve probably heard of or experienced this concept at some point in your life but how does it work with the no contact rule?
A lot of the times we found that people who wanted to use the no contact rule to make an ex miss them without talking to them had really poor results because they went into the no contact rule with the wrong type of intent.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizOn the flip side, those who went into the no contact rule trying to outgrow their exes actually had the correct kind of intent and often saw that their ex started missing them. So it seems the backwards law is definitely in practice here.
But when you actually sit back and think about the backwards law, there are a few flies in the ointment.
The backwards law is basically the opposite of everything we were taught to do our whole lives. We were conditioned to work hard and give our 100% to everything so we could be rewarded. In fact, willpower is one of the most sought-after qualities in the workforce today.
The concept of working hard to achieve our goals holds true for a lot of things where the backwards law would just fail.
For example, what would you expect if you walk into a final with no preparation or if you intend to lose 10 pounds but keep eating junk food all day? If you expect anything but failure…have I got a hot take for you…
A lot of things in life don’t operate with the backwards law but we shouldn’t count it out just yet.
How the backwards law works during a no contact rule to make an ex miss you
Here’s how I understand the backwards law – the more we seek, the less we find.
So if we’re talking about getting an ex back, the more you hyper-focus on getting them to miss you, the more you miss out on everything else life has to offer.
You see if you want your ex back more than anything in the world you tend to get tunnel vision and forget about everything else. I don’t just mean romantic relationships, I mean everything beyond that like missing out on potential new hobbies, trips with friends, or just doing anything out of your comfort zone!
You’ll be too anxious to concentrate on yourself or building up your life if all you think about is your ex.
Interestingly, if you actually take the focus off your ex and start focusing on yourself and taking advantage of all the possibilities around you, you will actually notice your ex starting to miss you! This has a lot to do about our sense of lack.
Sense of lack and getting an ex to miss you without talking to him
A lot of times throughout life when you’re really anxious about something or you’re experiencing a huge problem like wanting to make your ex miss you, you think to yourself “if I could only make them miss me, that would solve all of my problems.”
However, if you do get your ex to miss you you’ll find that doesn’t solve any of your problems.
We experience this in other areas of life as well, such as our weight loss example.
Let’s say you’re uncomfortable with the way you look and you think to yourself, “if only I looked like person X, I’d be happy.” Now I believe everyone should love the skin they’re in but let’s stick with this for logic’s sake.
Next thing you know you went on a crash diet and started exercising every day till you looked like the person you wanted to look like.
So you lose all this weight and look like that person and then what? You find you have the exact same problems, some of the problems might be less intense but they’ll all still be there. You might even face new problems you didn’t think of before.
This is an interesting concept with regards to how human beings or human psychology works – we often think if we can fix this one specific problem, our problems will be over and we can sit back and relax.
Well, newsflash: according to psychology, we human beings have this survival mechanism that causes us to constantly worry about things. If you stop worrying about one thing you’ll start worrying about the next!
So if you think getting your ex to miss you or getting them back will solve all your problems I’m here to tell you that’s wrong.
Getting your ex back won’t magically solve all your problems. In fact, we’ve done studies to see how often couples we’ve helped get back together actually stay together, and guess what?
Half of the couples that get back together after a breakup end up breaking up again within the first three months.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizSo clearly their problems were not solved. Now, what does this have to do with making your ex miss you?
If you sit there and think “if I get my ex back, all of my problems will go away”, you’re limiting yourself so you aren’t having the opportunity to stop and enjoy the roses in life.
You’re letting life pass you by as you keep putting off any chance at happiness till you can get your ex back.
Now my wife is great at living in the moment. She can always enjoy experiences as they are happening. Meanwhile, I’m horrible at that. I almost always regret not having more fun after the experiences are over. And that’s kind of the entire point of this…
Don’t be like me and stop watching your life from the sidelines.
If you want your ex to miss you I’m not saying you have to change your personality, I’m saying that you need to change your paradigm.
You must train yourself to use the no-contact rule as a chance to enjoy the finer things in life and work on yourself. And trust me, when your ex sees you living your best life he will be attracted to you again.
Conclusion:
The key to making an ex miss you without talking to him is… not trying too hard.
All you really need to do is enact a no-contact rule and let the backwards law do its thing. You should focus on growing yourself as a person and that will give you the best chance of making your ex miss you.
Misshimsomuch
February 12, 2022 at 3:44 am
He left me for another job 6 hrs away we never fought he was afraid of commitment will he miss me and want me back?
Paige
January 29, 2022 at 3:45 pm
I’ve continued to contact my ex since we broke up, it’s been almost 3 months. Is it too late to start no contact?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 29, 2022 at 10:03 pm
Hey Paige, you may find that you need to complete the 45 day one for it to be noticed by your ex after being in touch for the last three months.
Oluwatoyin
October 24, 2021 at 4:33 pm
Me and my ex dated for two months, at the beginning everything was perfect and sweet all of a sudden tinz began to change and it was all my fault. Firstly before we started dating i made him no that i ve someone am dating and he said he’s fine with that, then we started our love life, after that i realize that am pregnant and i never new he was nt responsible for it becoz the other guy am dating have left him for a month before i met the present one am dating nw.
That was the mistake i made for telling him after all he later knew he was nt responsible for it and i begged him after the abortion and it all ended there.
Secondly after my first semester break wen i resume another shit came up again and it was still my fault, i never knew he hacked my WhatsApp so he’s seeing all my messages on is phone, he caught me chatting sex chatting wit my ex boyfriend and he was so mad at me that was wat led to the break up.
Pls help me out becoz am still madly in love with him and i no he still love me too. Nw we are far from each other becoz he has gone to camp for his nysc and am so sacred right now.
Abigail
September 30, 2021 at 12:54 pm
me and my ex dated for 2 months,it was perfect in the beginning but,after some time I felt like he was cheating on me.cos I always hear that he has many girlfriends. so I asked him if he really liked me and he said yes,then later he told me I was too clingy and then he blocked me on social media I felt hurt.we later got back after two months but our relationship didn’t last and now he has relocated. he doesn’t care about me anymore. it’s been 5months since we’ve talked to each other but I still have feelings for him what do I do.
Magdalene Joshua
September 23, 2021 at 11:03 am
We had a little misunderstanding with my bf I begged him to forgive me he refused after some days I told him if he has broken up with me he should tell me he couldn’t say a word after that day I still repeated this he said he doesn’t want to joke with someone happiness but later when I went to school he saw me and bypass me to other girl and the girl was feeding him after I saw all those things I broke up with him but I still love him please tell me what to do
Lexie
June 6, 2021 at 5:29 pm
I told my ex i needed space for awhile, and after the 8th day i texted him and asked how he was doing; me and him talked like friends and like nothing happened, but deep down i was not ready to talk to him so i left him on open because he just sent me a photo of his face. i’m on the 10th day now, it’s super hard because me and him were each other’s best friends and we would see each other everyday. it seems like he doesn’t care that we broke up at all and he is so much more happier, and i want to get to the state of mind too. i have a lot to do this summer, i’m starting a lot of new activities and i just started a new job which will hopefully take my mind off of him. everyday is a struggle though because i’m so used to talking to him all the time.
amelia shoon
February 10, 2021 at 3:56 am
hi chris, me and my ex end this 2021 feb i didn’t remembered what he says his feelings for me is completely gone he said me cos he found new girl from his country but I still hope him as like I’m crazier girl but he still ignore my feelings instead of understand my feeling he misunderstood me all.i noticed when he changes but i didn’t told him why he changes cos i scary if i tell he will tell me about break up but even u stay blind he told me the end i didn’t played him but he thought I’m played but i don’t know how should i showed him .he says me he love new girl cos that new girl is more sweet than me how he can says me that i want to forget him but i still love him and i still forgive all his mistakes .my fri said me to forget him but i still can’t i already tried best but then end i fail on him .i still love him i already decide he is my last lover but he did changed to feeling for me.he said he is caring and loyal boyfri but the end he did changed he had another girlfriend in his country and he isnult me well .he kill me with his words all time again and again but i forgive him.i enjoy whatever he insult me cos it’s his wishes .i will full his wishes forever.seeen how i am fool .i hope he will back to me
Rachel
May 25, 2020 at 12:36 am
Hi Chris,
Me and my ex ended in January after seeing eachother for a few months and had a period of no contact for 6 weeks after break up.
He texts from time to time now to check in with me and we have plans to meet up for a weekend the end of July hopefully when lockdown is over. We live 4.5 hrs apart so are planning to meet halfway and have surfing weekend.
When we were together i can admit when I look back now I came across as needy and I probably wasn’t ready for a relationship with the mindset I had.
Since January I have done some major work on myself…
Iv quit smoking and moved home to further my career, iv got a new car and also managed to land myself a small modelling job, iv taken up surfing, I’m getting my teeth fixed and have done some major work on self love and can see a massive improvement in myself.
Do you think that when we meet and he sees how different I am now and all the accomplishments I have made that he would maybe want to see me again after?
Also I need to add that when we ended it wasn’t face to face and I would like to see him this one last time in order to say goodbye and move on, I’m not sure now that if he wanted a relationship that I would want it back but it would be nice to walk away and for him to feel he’d made massive mistake.
Roshni
March 17, 2020 at 2:26 pm
Hi Chris.
I met my ex boyfriend when were in our 20s. He was separated from his wife. But he told me he didn’t want to get married it was arranged. He told me he loved me and that I was the girl he wanted to marry. He was my first true love. But circumstances prevailed we came from different backgrounds so I had to break up with him. So he went back to his wife. After that I got married. I love my husband he is a wonderful man to me and my kids. But deep down inside I always knew he was the one I truly loved. His sister and I are close friends. So I always kept in contact with her. Since we broke up and since I got married I found out he cheats excessively on his wife. Eventually we did get into contact with each other after 20 years. But he never revealed how he felt about me. But when he would be around me and my husband he would always act cold and distant and would try to leave as soon as he could. We still kept in contact but he seemed cold and distant. One day I had a pic of a guy friend of mine on my watsapp profile. He got so upset and told me to take it off. The one day he asked me why am I online early hours of the morning. Who am I chatting to. He started acting like a jealous boyfriend. A few days ago we had this argument. So I told him it’s best we do t talk to each other. He messaged me back and told me he will give me my wish. So he blocked me. It breaks my heart because I still love him and I got so use to still having him in my life. I wish I knew what he felt.
Claire
November 5, 2019 at 11:14 pm
Hi. My ex and I recently broke up. We’ve been together for 2 months. I know it’s short, but everything was going great. He was actively discussing about our future, he even gave me the keys to his apartment. I was initially more reserved, but his actions and words slowly opened me up to him and accepted his advances. Everything felt perfect until he got too busy with school and I said some things I didn’t mean. I was complaining about him not spending enough time with me, and it ended up being a cold War via text. When I finally snapped out of it and went to his place to try and talk, he was cold. He said that he thought I’d broken up with him and he’d shut down emotionally to protect himself. (he had a very bad past experience) we talked and I though things were OK, but a week after, he wanted to break up saying that he couldn’t get past that. He wanted a clean break and to have his keys back. He also admitted that he was going through a stressful period (school and family), and if I’d said the same things at another time, it probably wouldn’t have had the same impact on him.
And after more talking, he said that for us to continue, we needed to become good friends and get to know each other more first. I did NC/limited contact for about a week, before we went on our ‘first date’ to restart things. It’s been a week after that. We’re still meeting this weekend to hang out (I initiated). I’m not sure which phase of the stages in your plan that I should continue with.. Please help. I’m someone who doesn’t let people get too close, so it’s been hard to find someone like him who managed to break down my barriers. I really like him, and feel that what we had was quite special and want to get back together.
tamara
August 28, 2019 at 1:33 pm
Hey if my ex reads this I just want you to know before you left i hope you know i did nothing but believe in you . Not that it would change how awsome your personality realy is. but its inpossible for you to not be withsomeone else knowing how many people are always watching and in there heads know i always get the best,,,youve been the best you havnt ever been the best to me and i did evey thing i could do… Know you know I know how this all happened I truly hate and your family of suveere dirtbag ass people …
Tami
August 21, 2019 at 3:07 pm
Hi Chris – my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years . He’s my best friend .. in the last year we have had to move to 3 homes and remodel them, we have financially been taking care of both his parents and working full time. Things have been very stressful lately and not a lot of time for play… the last house we moved into was on his job site. About 4 weeks ago he came home telling me he was going to lose his job and possibly the house .. he began getting stressed out about work , remodeling and we began to bicker.
My parents came to visit so I thought the space for us would be good. I stayed with them at there hotel for 2 days … Monday he called me and told me he missed me, he loved me and couldn’t wait to see me … on Tuesday the next day he broke up with me. He said he was tired of not having fun … he wanted to party with friends and see other people. He told me I could stay in the house as friends until I found a place…. Tuesday night ( the night of the breakup ) he had his parents drive him to a casino an hour away to meet a girl and spends the entire night until morning hanging out with her …. I stayed with my parents until Friday and went to the house to get my things … when I showed up all my belongings were thrown out on the front porch …. I found a room to rent immediately… he then blocks me on Facebook .. after we broke up … I didn’t beg – plead – call or text him … I immediately went into no contact the day we broke up … I am now on day 5 of no contact… he hasn’t reached out .. nothing … yesterday I find out he was inquiring about a different girl in our town from a guy friend of mine… does any of this sound normal ? On Day 9 since the breakup .. we had to exchange minimal words here and there for me to pick up my clothes. But 5 solid days of no contact .. your thoughts ?
Nicky
May 24, 2019 at 4:48 am
Hi! thank you for the very informative article. my boyfriend of 5 months asked for some space and time to think just after we had a misunderstanding.. it wasn’t even a fight. everything went so well and its like he got cold feet after he introduced me to his family and told me he loves me. I gave him space for about a week and reached out..where he started to talk to me again and told me that he misses me. and then when I aked to meet up he again went all silent.. it’s very difficult to sit and wait and not knowing what went wrong when we were in such a good space in our relationship. I guess I sounded desperate but I felt it was infair on his side not being honest with me. so after a few days I told him that i can feel he is pulling away and I’m wondering about the way forward, in which he replied that he does love me.. but he is still deliberating.. and has been busy with work.. after that he never replied to my messages.
I felt hurt and angry after a few days and texted him that I’m letting him so, his avoidance and silence is hurting me. he only read it and never a word again. we are two people in this relationship, How do I give hom the world of space whilst I’m also hurting. It felt in a wat that he pushed me away, hoping I would he the one to end it.
it’s been a week with no contact and I’ve started to train again and eat healthy.. I’m trying my best. but I do miss him and I’m now wondering if there is still a chance for us.
Rathana
May 22, 2019 at 10:36 am
I am selfish. I am jealous. I like to catch his mistake. I only want to win him. I never listen to him. Because of this things that he asked me to break up. and he has a new girlfriend. He said she lovely not like me. So how can I get him back? What should I do?
I want to forget him.
Chris Seiter
May 22, 2019 at 2:05 pm
HI Rathana…so I think you should consider executing my Program which involves No Contact. For more details, check out my Program (EBR PRO Bundle)
Behonce
January 18, 2019 at 5:48 am
Hi Chris, my boyfriend and I didn’t breakup but we had a problem and it’s been 6 months he hasn’t texted me. He texted me on New year to wish me happy new year and when I replied he didn’t respond back. I just texted him today and told him” if you like you text if you like don’t text my life will still continue with or without you nice life” . I don’t know why he doesn’t text back and he rejects my calls.
Chris Seiter
January 18, 2019 at 3:55 pm
Hi Behonce!
Probably best if you embrace an ex recovery plan which is what I specialize in on this website!
Anonym
October 26, 2018 at 7:27 pm
First of all, let me apologize for the long story:
One of my friends told me about his feelings for me and how he wants to marry me etc. I kindly told him that the romantic feelings weren’t mutual. So he has talked a lot about his feelings for me with his best friend. Fast forward his best friend starts flirting with me and showing interest in me asking what his chances are of having a child with me etc.
I fall for his charm and we start dating. Now he is a person who rarely uses his phone, but in the beginning he changed that for me as he began to call me several times a day etc.
I am a virgin, but sex for him was important. I ended up being sexual with him without having sex though. I didn’t hear from him afterwards and saw how he had time to talk to other girls which hurt me. When I tried to express my feelings he would get frustrated. He might go to jail after new years for something he did two years ago, and he has a 10 year old son, so he is probably frustrated and sad about his situation, but he has send so many mixed signals. First he said he wanted to start a relationship with me, then he said he doesn’t want a relationship with anyone because he is going to jail, then he said he is looking for a girlfriend to take care of his mom and son when he goes to jail, then he changed back to not wanting to have a girlfriend because of his situation. I have been very patient and kind to him, while he has been quite hurtful towards me. I found out he has been seing his ex this entire time and confronted him, and his respons was: “that’s none of your business. X and I have always been on/off.” As if that makes it okay. Then he said that he would cancel his plans with her if I could promise him to see him once every day. One night he called me really late and asked if we could meet, I declined and said it was late, so he hung up on me and texted one of my good friends trying to hook up with her. After a while I spoke to his bestfriend who has feelings for me, and he told me that this guy has done this to a million girls and he has always been with his ex and even lives with her. I was devasted and hurt, so I left a voicemail saying how I would like him to delete my number and never contact me again. And i told him that I thought he was a horrible person for treating other people like that. Btw I could go days or weeks without hearing from him, and even if he made a hurtful move, I was the one contacting him.
So after sending the voicemail I blocked his number and he had called my friend asking how I knew he lived with X? My friend was having a halloween party and asked him not to come because she could not have a person who treat other people like that around. This apparently affected him.
So weeks past by and I haven’t heard a thing from him or any sign that he is sad, but this tuesday I went to school and sat in the car waiting for my class to begin and saw his car there. I was so annoyed because it wasn’t the first time. He doesn’t go to my school, but came to talk to our mutual friend. I chose to ignore him. He kept driving around me as if he was trying to catch my attention, but I kept looking away. Then he came out of his car and knocked on my window being really angry. He said that I should stop talking about him otherwise he would start going around telling people what I did with him. I didn’t understand because I haven’t talked about him other than with my friend and what he was saying was not true. So through the entire conversation he was talking down to me, calling me names, being angry and cold. He kept saying how worthless I am to him, how I don’t mean a thing to him, how he doesn’t care about him and how he threw everything away after hearing my voicemail. He was so mean that I started crying in front of him. And it was the first time crying in front of him, but he just stared at me with a cold look saying “I really don’t care. You mean nothing to me and you never will. I never wanted you or anyone. You are so stupid. You don’t understand. You and I will never talk again, we will never hang out again. It’s over.”
And he said I should write him a message saying his friend told me about the fact that he lives with his girlfriend which apparently isn’t true and whom apparently isn’t his gf and he doesn’t care about her either etc.
He said that if I don’t text him that message he would call him and tell him everything we did. And I asked what the point of it is since he doesn’t care about losing me, and thats all that happened by it. He said that he doesnt want a friend who says stuff like that about him etc.
So I am really broken over all of this and he seems to be absolutely heartless about it. He doesn’t seem to care one bit and it hurts so bad. And what makes it even more difficult is the fact that I cried in front of him. He probably feels like he has me around his finger, so I don’t think anything can make him regret losing me as his last memory of me was me crying about his words. What are your thoughts?
Chris Seiter
October 27, 2018 at 2:20 am
Hi there!
I can see you have been thru a lot. I am sorry you had to deal with such abusive language from your ex. Have you though of implementing no contact as I think you will benefit from the healing and recovery you so much deserve. Go to my home page and you will see a lot of resources there for you to tap into!
Haley
September 4, 2018 at 6:08 pm
I actually broke up with him because he liked another girl and also I believe that God told me to break up with him. Now, I think that me and him belong together. I just need to know how to get him back because I miss him myself like crazy. He likes another girl, but I think he still has some kind of feelings towards me. He was being rude to me and also bringing up that I am dating his brother, which I am not doing. I think he is jealous, but he isn’t really talking to me about it. We actually are trying to be friends, but he hasn’t really come to talk to me. And every time I talk to him, he is always not smiling. Help me please and thank you!
Chris Seiter
September 4, 2018 at 9:12 pm
Hi Haley…I know it hurts when your ex shows interest in another girl. He seems to be the jealous type. I think you should employ no contact but getting our ex back is so much more. So tap into the resources I offer here. My home page will direct you where to go.
ane su
August 23, 2018 at 3:03 pm
my ex and I broke up July 2017. he said that he wants to cheat and explore . it made me angry and i broke up with him. he says getting back together is hopeless. its been over a year now and i want him back. i never did no contact and we have been talking. but these days he has become distant and he never initiates any conversations anymore. is it possible toget him back?
Chris Seiter
August 23, 2018 at 10:46 pm
Hi Ane!
That is an awful thing for your ex to tell you. Are you sure you want him back? I do think No contact is something you should seriously consider and use that time to reflect on what you really want. Learn more about how to do this and much more by picking up one of my eBooks which you can learn about on my Home Page!
Anita
August 17, 2018 at 1:55 am
Hi EBR team. What do you recommend if I was the one who caused the breakup by cheating… I really loved him and can’t afford to loose him
Chris Seiter
August 17, 2018 at 1:59 pm
Hi Anita!
Best to have a solid plan and that is what I specialize in. I offer webinars, ebooks, coaching services, and a wonderful Private Facebook Support Group that is aimed at helping people with their ex recovery situation. So go to my home page and check it all out!
Amy
May 4, 2018 at 3:00 pm
Hello so my boyfriend of three years broke up with me. He asked for a break and for two weeks straight we still snapped and I called him twice and texted him twice. And then he broke up with me because he said he just can’t feel the way that he needs to. We haven’t talked since and it’s been a week and a half. Yesterday he liked my Facebook and Instagram picture and it makes no sense. When breaking up I asked when he wanted me to get my stuff and he said I could keep it at his house because he has no use for the space anyways. I’m so confused and he said that maybe we can see where we are in the future when your done with school and that he doesn’t want to hold me back from dating other people. I’m so confused by all of this.
Chris Seiter
May 4, 2018 at 3:15 pm
Hi Amy…..it seems your ex is churning through what he thinks he wants. 3 years is a good amount of time to be together and so those roots are hard to pull up. Deep in his mind, he may be unsure what is best. So he seems unwilling to cut off all ties. You picked up my ebook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro”, right? (visit my website Menu/Products Section). Because it kinda gives you a blueprint of what you can do to increase your value and show him that not only are you independent and improving in so many ways as a person, but that he cannot assume you will always be in his life. So that can cause a person to appreciate more what they had with someone. Oddly, sometimes pulling away (No Contact), can help with attracting the person. But it is so much more than that too…so go take a look at my ebook as it will help optimize your chances in the future to put the relationship back in a better place if that is eventually what you want.