Today you’re going to learn EXACTLY what the psychology of a man is during the no contact rule.

In fact, many of the insights I’m going to unveil to you today have been lauded by my own audience.

The best part?

Everything I’m about to show you has been proven by real who have gone through breakups and used the no contact rule on a man.

Are you ready?

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Why The No Contact Rule Works On Men

Most people hear about the no contact rule and all it can do for them but they never really seek to understand the internal workings of why it works. I’ve written a lot about this concept in the past but

I’ve always alluded to it indirectly.

That stops today.

Let’s start by defining exactly what the no contact rule is for our newbies.

The No Contact Rule: A period of time where you purposefully ignore your ex with the intent of making them miss you and improving your life.

What many of my clients seem to miss is the second part of that definition.

They get so caught up in making their ex miss them that they forget to make meaningful changes in their own lives.

But that’s another battle for another day.

What you are here to learn is why it works on men.

Psychologically the no contact rule operates on the idea of reactance.

Reactance And The No Contact Rule: When you take away an exes freedom to communicate with you he will react in a way to get that freedom back.

It plays on the same concept of reverse psychology.

Essentially by ignoring your ex you are indicating to them that you don’t want to talk to them which in turn makes them want to talk to you.

Weird how that works, huh?

Perhaps the most interesting tidbit of information I can provide for you is the simple fact that even if your ex understand what you are doing to them it can still be extremely effective. I can’t tell you how often I’ve worked with clients who have expressed this fear only to see it not even matter and still continue to work on their exes.

But you’re not here to listen to me get all technical. What you really want is to understand the psychology of what happens in a mans head as the no contact rule is being applied to him.

I’ve briefly talked about that in this video,

But the limiting aspect of the video didn’t allow me to go into deep detail on some of the exact thought processes that your ex boyfriend may be having. The video mentions five stages that a man will go through if a no contact rule is working on him.

In truth, there’s actually seven.

I’d like to let you in on them right now.

Stage One: He Is Confident In His Decision To Break Up With You

This may seem like an odd place to start but in my experience close to 80% of the women reading this website are not the ones who broke up with their ex boyfriends. Instead, they are the ones wallowing in despair because their ex has broken up with them.

So, they go from website to website reading and trying to figure out the best way to win their exes back.

Some go to YouTube and stumble across my channel and inevitably learn about the no contact rule.

They start it with high hopes that their ex will reach out to them admitting a mistake but the opposite typically happens.

It’s crickets for the first few days that they implement it.

Why?

Well, to put it bluntly, their ex doesn’t care enough.

Instead, he will walk around extremely confident in his decision. There’s this meme that gained popularity about seven or eight years ago depicting the differences in how men and women handle breakups.

As crazy and uncultured as this is going to sound I have found that this meme is pretty darn accurate to what actually happens if you successfully complete your no contact rule.

When you start your no contact rule on your ex boyfriend he is not going to care.

That may be a pretty hard pill to swallow right now but it’s important that if you want to get the successful results that others have gotten with no contact you are going to have to earn them.

And the only way to do that is to actually complete your no contact period without any hiccups.

Right now your ex is confident in his decision to break up with you but don’t worry, the tide will soon begin to turn.

Stage Two: Why Isn’t She Acting Like A Normal Girl?

This may strike you as an odd “stage” for a man to go through during the no contact rule but if you really think about it, it does make total sense.

The stereotype for women after a breakup has always been extremely clear.

  • Crying
  • Depression
  • Sadness
  • Depression
  • Oh wait, I said that twice

After the breakup your ex boyfriend is going to have this internal thought process that he’s going to go through.

Thought process of a man after a breakup

“She’s going to be so depressed without me” he’s going to think to himself and most women play into that narrative by posting depressing things and updates on their social media profiles.

Some even go as far as begging for their ex boyfriends back.

But where things get really wild for the women who use the no contact rule is that they fight the normal narrative of depression with a hopeful narrative of positivity.

So, instead of the narrative being.

“She’s going to be depressed and beg for me back.”

It becomes,

Why isn’t she depressed and why doesn’t she want me back?

Ah, the first sign that the no contact rule is making headway.

Stage Three: I’m Upset She Is Ignoring Me

Paradigm shifts can be extremely powerful.

In fact, I’d argue that one of the primary reasons the no contact rule is so successful is the fact that it forces this dramatic paradigm shift upon your ex. You are essentially rewriting the narrative of what he expects is supposed to happen.

Of course, a paradigm shift in and of itself is a dramatic change in circumstances and it’s my experience that men don’t deal well with change.

In reality, no one deals well with change but change is an ever present entity throughout the universe.

Personally speaking when sudden change occurs for me I grow visibly upset. Expect your ex to be upset with you during no contact.

This is something I feel every woman should be prepared for and yet when it happens they start panicking.

My advice to them is always the same.

Don’t panic, just realize the no contact rule is working

In fact, I talk about this very concept in one of my more recent podcast episodes.

Don’t be worried if you get a bunch of angry texts from your ex boyfriend.

They are growing angry because change has occurred and they don’t quite know how to handle it properly.

Stage Four: I’m Going To Find Someone Better Than Her

This is simply an extension of stage three.

Cause and effect so to speak.

You instituted this extreme change by interrupting the status quo.

Your ex grows angry.

As a result he thinks he’s better off without you and can find someone better.

Many women have this recurring nightmare where their ex moves on to someone else and in most cases it would be at this moment that, that outcome would occur.

Here’s the interesting tidbit that you may not know.

There is a difference between an ex who has another girl lined up before he breaks up with you and one who gets another girl to show you up.

One is more likely to turn into a longer relationship while the other is almost surely a rebound.

That’s why I don’t worry too much if your ex boyfriend finds another girlfriend during the no contact period. Most of the time it is done from a place of anger and disappointment.

I don’t know about you but those don’t seem like the great foundations of a lasting relationship.

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Stage Five: I Need To Find A Distraction To Avoid This Pain

Are you starting to see the trend developing here?

Each new stage is a knee jerk reaction to the stage before it.

Stage four was a direct result of stage three.

This stage is an explanation of the mindset for stage four.

Why do you think your ex boyfriend would want to “find someone better than you?”

It’s probably because he needs to find a way to distract himself from the pain he’s feeling. I think I’ve been pretty direct in explaining exactly what happens to the mind and body during a breakup.

In short, it aint pretty.

Getting over a breakup is a little like trying to shake off a drug habit.

It doesn’t happen overnight and in many cases your ex boyfriend is going to look for anything or anyone to distract from the pain he’s feeling.

It’s that whole fight or flight response.

Some people face their problems head on while others run away from them.

This is the ultimate “run away” from the problem stage.

Stage Six: What Have I Lost?

Here we have the proverbial confrontation.

Remember the fight or flight instinct I was talking about in the last section?

Well, while stage five was the “flight” response here is the “fight response.”

After enough time has gone by for an ex to process the breakup and feel like he’s lost you forever it will force him to confront a reality in which he can’t have you.

“What have I lost?” he will think to himself.

He has arrived at the proverbial crossroads.

On the one hand, he may determine that he is ok with losing you.

But if you’ve been active during your no contact rule you increase the chance of him not being able to face that reality without you.

But as you’ll learn very shortly.

Men are pretty stubborn.

Even if he doesn’t like a reality in which he can’t have you ever again it may not be enough to fully push him over the edge and get him to contact you.

Stage Seven: Maybe She’ll Contact Me

Men are stubborn by nature.

Sometimes no matter how perfectly you play a situation they still will cling to their outdated philosophies.

One of those philosophies is that you should be the one to reach out first after a break.

Ironic, in most cases they are the ones who break up with you.

Shouldn’t they be the ones to reach out to you first?

Nevertheless, the psychology behind this thought is pretty simple.

Even after the rollercoaster of emotions that come with stages one through six.

Men are stubborn at heart and often they’ll cling to hope that you’ll reach out to them at some point during the no contact rule.

It’s interesting because they start out expecting you to reach out to them and then when that doesn’t happen they throw a tantrum only to wind up hoping that you’ll reach out to them first.

That’s the beauty of the no contact rule.

It takes your ex boyfriend on this emotional journey and it’s rooted almost completely in reverse psychology.

What to Read Next

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23 thoughts on “The Psychology Of A Man During The No Contact Rule”

  1. Avatar

    AngelAngel

    March 1, 2020 at 11:49 pm

    Hi I have been in a long distance relationship with my soldier fiance for 7 yrs now, he constantly threatens me with breakup, he neglets my text and call some times he cheated on me, he still chat and communicate with his ex, he hardly forgives me whatever I said to him during misunderstanding. Recently he picked up a quarrel just because I suggest a solution on how we can live peacefully without constant issues. He misunderstood me and started avoiding my calls and ignored my text messages throughout a night and the next morning he picked and I asked him why he didn’t pick my call or reply my messages, he became angry and said I am interrogating him a lot.He has not called or even reply my whatsapp messages to him even though I have apologized. He doesn’t care to know how I feel. Am always the one apologizing and begging even when am not at fault. Someone I supported with everything I had. He has changed and complains a lot about me. Does it mean he don’t love me anymore and looking for how to push me away

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 2, 2020 at 10:47 pm

      Hi Angel, so if someone is going to make you feel this way. I suggest that you end the relationship with him as no I don’t believe he is showing you love right now. He is manipulating your emotions, threatening to end the relationship when he is unhappy with something. I would end the relationship with you and explain that you have not been happy for some time. Go into a No Contact for your ex to see you are serious about the fact you are unhappy with the relationship

  2. Avatar

    Alice Adam

    February 13, 2020 at 3:21 am

    Actually Shuanna. Do you mind not publishing my comment. Thanks so much though. I understand you cant really dispense free advice, but I would be grateful for any feedback.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 15, 2020 at 5:31 pm

      Hey Alice, so I wont post your previous comment but to reply I need to post a comment. Going off your previous comment… not following instructions. You are not put here to be controlled by ANYONE. And let me make that very clear! Personally, and I don’t say this often, based on what you told me. I would refuse the meet up and focus on moving on with your life as this person does not sound like a positive person to have in your life anyway! You should start casually dating and you will soon realise how decent human beings treat each other!

  3. Avatar

    Jennifer

    February 7, 2020 at 10:51 am

    So you said that there is a difference between a guy who has a girl lined up before the break up and a guy who gets into a rebound relationship. But I’m in that situation where I feel like the guy had a girl lined up before breaking up…so how do I apply no contact for that?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 7, 2020 at 9:33 pm

      Still go into a No Contact and work on yourself in that time, also read up about the being there method too!

  4. Avatar

    Alice Adam

    January 16, 2020 at 6:26 pm

    (Continuation) but on the 2nd of december he called it off again and blocked me over something very silly. I immediately went into defensive and apologised. But also said if that was his decision well and good. But he didnt reply. So I never bothered after that. Mid december his mother contacted me to tell me she wanted to meet to discuss it. I was very polite but told her there was no point in discussing as this was his decision. On the 20th of dec I broke down and crazy emailed him, all day. He replied with 4 emails telling me to move on which were very rude. I didnt email him again. But then on the 28th I sent him this collage of our picture memories. No reply. So then on the 2nd of jan I blocked him too from everywhere etc and deactivated all my social media. So the day I had crazy emailed him, I had also wanted to send him our first conversations. But I wasnt able to, so it was stuck in drafts. So while getting rid of his stuff on the 9th of jan, i accidentally emailed him the draft. It had some sappy one liner intro. He immediately about how he was so touched by the email. I never replied back. Since I had sent it accidentally. Also that’s not a good enough reply from him. He didnt apologise or asked to get back.have not contacted since.What do I do now?.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 18, 2020 at 10:44 pm

      Hi Alice, thanks for your posts, I have replied to both in this one comment. So you have done some things that you need to complete a 45 day No Contact to give your ex that space that is needed after a break up to see that you have respected his decision and are accepting the break up, even if this is not the case we still have to do it to allow the silence to give your ex that chance to wonder, where has she gone! As for no contact the other thing you need to do is read this article… https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/the-ungettable-girl/ and apply this to your life as best as you can

  5. Avatar

    Alice Adam

    January 16, 2020 at 6:07 pm

    Hello Chris. I was supposed to get engaged/sign our religious marriage documents on the 24th of november to this guy. We are both 29, 30 this year. I am a post graduate student. And we have been together since 2 years. It’s been long distance. But we met in high school over 11 years ago.but didnt initiate till 2 years ago Anyway the last year long distance was insanely tough. I gave up a very well paid job in uk to start the transit move to him and hence started post grad studies to help get employed where he was. So I had my postgrad exams in early november when I had a fight with him and I called it off and blocked him(but these fights were pretty usual towards the end and the long distance had started getting insane). He also blocked me from everywhere but email.I had to focus anyway and wanted headspace, so thought it was just another petty fight and wanted to stay blocked to focus. meanwhile he contacted my parents and called it off with them. Nobody told me as I had my exams. I did email him tickets and logistics in the middle to which he always replied he would get back after I’m done with my exams. So on the day I get done he tells me it’s over. 15th nov. We were supposed to fly to a common destination to get engaged/sign the docs that week. I obviously broke down, but after he told me I took three days off from him and then called him to figure it out. He had pretty lame reasons but I heard them out told him we would work through it. And i apologised profusely. Took all the blame. Flew back to the common destination on my own. He told me he wanted it in feb, I said fine. But he said he still loved me

  6. Avatar

    Megan

    December 12, 2019 at 1:26 am

    Hi. Is it normal for a guy to play victim after they are actually the one who initiates breakup?

    It pressure me so much during I ignoring him for almost a year. i know I did my best to make him feel that he is special to me, that my feelings are true.

    The first weeks and a month that no contact, hes enjoying his life without me and posting a photos with his friends. Then after 6 months he is actually playing victim and change his profile in black photo.

    I know to myself that I never disturb him again. And not hoping for his comeback but Im so confused. I always blaming myself and cant ignore those what ifs.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 15, 2019 at 7:07 pm

      Hi Megan, yes it is common for people to victimise themselves as they do not like to be the bad guy in their own stories. At times you find that at first the person who wanted the break up is happy but then the realisation that it wasnt what they wanted or what was making the unhappy in the first place and that feeling comes back. Don’t take it personal as you know you did your best and thats all you can do

  7. Avatar

    Chelsea

    December 2, 2019 at 1:45 am

    Hi Chris,
    We’ve been dating for over a year and this is the second time we’ve broken up. The first time he broke up with me but after a few days he would reach out and randomly call or text me saying he misses me. We even had sex a couple times. This would go on for 3-4 weeks until we officially got back together on our monthsary. He had told me that during the time of the break that he felt something pulling him back to me and that he was super sorry for what he did and that he won’t do it again. Here we are two months later, he does it again. I’m completely heartbroken but I do feel a lot stronger than last break up. I tried to take a break from social media so I deactivated my FB. Weirdly enough, when my account automatically signed off, it went back to the login page where his acc name was an option. Not knowing it would login, i tapped on his name and it automatically logged on. I don’t even know the password to it which is weird to me. I don’t wanna creep on his account but I did take a look at this recent search history, and I found out that he’s been checking my profile multiple times a day since the break up. Mind you, its been two weeks since the break up and I haven’t seen or spoken to him since then. He’s clearly monitoring my social media. I honestly think that he’s waiting for me to reach out to him cuz during both break ups I begged for him (i know, dumb move but love makes ya crazy), so he knows I’m crazy about him but I really want the No Contact Rule to push through. Lately I have been doing better, crying less and all that. But some days it just hits you again.
    How long should I do this to myself? 🙁

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 6, 2019 at 7:48 pm

      Hi Chelsea, so the emotions you are feeling are normal after a break up so dont be so hard on yourself, once you have had your cry, pick yourself up and carry on. If you want your ex back however, you need to complete a 30 day no contact and read read read this website to all that applies to you especially the Ungettable Girl articles. And then reach out to your ex at the end of the 30 days with a short text that Chris advises as a hook, you can read about those on this website too. Good Luck

  8. Avatar

    Livvie

    November 5, 2019 at 4:41 pm

    Hi! So me and my fiancé broke up 3 weeks ago we where arguing often.. he flew away on a holiday after the split.. I saw him a week ago he wants everything on his terms so I went into no contact 4 days ago.. he messaged me yesterday saying we need to speak face to face to break things off properly I simply replied that I got the picture and there is no need to meet. Today he messaged me asking for the engagement ring back yet the ring I bought him he lost.. I haven’t replied to him… do I remain silent?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 9, 2019 at 1:47 am

      Hi Livvie, as the ring would be expensive you would probably be best to give it back to him, or drop it off at his place when he isnt home so you dont have to see him. Make sure you do a complete 30 days No contact first

  9. Avatar

    Eileen

    September 25, 2019 at 9:56 am

    My ex for more than 3 years asked me for break up just 2 days ago. Of course i was sad and depressed. Before the break up, my ex was the one who told me all his sins such as spending time with his friends in a club, still talking casually wih his ex and there was this girl from his work who confessed his feelings for him and eventually he admitted that he entertained and developed ‘feelings’ towards her but since the day he felt it he was the one who cut the communication with her.

    Now, his reason of breaking up is he is confused of his feelings with me, because why would he did those things behind my back if he truly loves me and think that he is not yet ready being in a relationship. During the couple days after that day of confession, he asked for space and i gave him that but we agrees to still communicate each other. He’s telling me he is confused but still telling me ‘I love you’.

    He is very guilty and experiencing great remorse for what he did, that he doesnt want to talk to people and even me. He is shutting himself to the people who care and love him. He thinks that he is becoming like his father who cheated on his mom. He always telling me, i dont like us to end like our family so right now i think, its better for me to leave.

    On the day of the break up, he told me that he thinks like the feeling was gone for me and cannot totally commit. But he was the one who really cried hard and still very clingy, he still hug me and kiss me. So right now, I am also confused. And one nighr i told him that.okay i wipl not cross uour path, and he is in panicked and told me no no no, we have to talk about it. But at the end, we agreed that we will break up but I told him that he needs counseling and i will accompany him.

    I really want to have him back, but how if he seems he is not capable in loving a person at this moment?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 26, 2019 at 9:22 pm

      Hey Eileen, you need to follow the program complete a NC and work the Holy Trinity and then reach out when it is time to start the texting phase. During your NC you can focus on being the best version of yourself but you cant control if he doesn’t get himself in a better place where you can only do so much to show your worth and hope that he is willing to put in the effort to have you in his life

  10. Avatar

    Brooke

    September 10, 2019 at 11:11 pm

    Hi there!

    My boyfriend and I were together for 3 years. He just turned 29 last week and I am 21.

    Our relationship hadn’t been going great for about a year. It was both of our faults, neither of us were paying enough attention to each other, we were both working a lot, I had been turning him down for sex, we’d even go to dinner a couple times a week and sit in silence (he’d play on his phone). He doesn’t have a college degree, hates his job, and never wanted to talk about his day or work, no matter how many times I asked. On the flip side, he rarely wanted to hear about my day at college, my job, or my friends.

    About a month ago he went out of state for work for a week, and while he was there he met a woman, she is going through a divorce after 13 years (although she was still wearing her ring that week), and although they didn’t sleep with each other, they hung out and held each other.

    When he got back, we got in a fight and he left me for her.

    Since then, he has texted me every single day. Sometimes things like “I love you” or I miss you”, but sometimes just like “I hope you have a good day” or a picture of something he saw on Facebook. I never text him first, he always texts me, and recently I’ve been trying to implement the no contact rule.

    But before I started NC, he asked to see me or go to dinner a few times, which I did. At one point he said he wanted to get back together but then changed his mind before I saw him.

    Two weeks ago we were hanging out and he told me he wanted me back and that he would stop talking to this other girl, but I said I wasn’t sure and that I needed some time to think. He said he wasn’t going to stop talking to the other girl until we got back together.

    I found out he was still talking and seeing that girl after that. Last week I saw him and he said he still wants to talk to me and hang out, but that he just wants to be friends. That maybe staying friends is my way to win him back. I said no, I don’t want to be his friend and that our relationship probably can’t be fixed now. He said it can be fixed and that he sees a long term future with me, but that he wants to see where it goes with this girl. He said he doesn’t know if he sees a future with this girl, and that she might be the kind of girl that you just “hang out with for a while and then get tired of”. But that he likes talking to her. They have the same job, and maybe they have more in common.

    He’s told me he loved me since then.

    I took him for granted during our relationship, and even though he would do anything for me, favor after favor, I didn’t do the same for him.

    Now I’m just wondering if I should continue with the NC rule, even though he never stopped talking to me. And he fought for me during our relationship over and over again, and I’m wondering if I should be fighting for him.

    I did cry and beg for about a week after our breakup, and I said I wanted him back up until about a week ago.

    Additionally, he talked to an ex for about a month approximately two years ago, which I forgave him for, so this wasn’t the first indiscretion.

    What should I do?

    1. Shaunna

      Shaunna

      September 12, 2019 at 8:39 pm

      Hi Brooke, only you can decide if you want him back or not. But yes, complete a full NC before you start reaching out to him and building rapport if that’s what you choose

  11. Avatar

    Helen

    August 20, 2019 at 3:39 pm

    Hi Chris,
    I was at the videocalls phase with this guy but lately the things got cold. He is in a complicated situation (depression) and even if I tried to use the being there method, sometimes he needs space, I understand without him telling me and we used to have a good balance with that (and he always thanked me and told me I was being too kind, more than he thinks he deserves).
    The thing is that lately we barely talk, I am afraid he lost interest (I try to be a good UG but…). I am going to spend a semester studying abroad and I would like him to give me a chance when I come back (or come to visit, something). I wanted to write him a letter before going away, but I don’t know the tone. I don’t want to make him feel “pressure”, I don’t want to seem I was “illusioned”, but I don’t know how to tell him what I feel without being overwhelming or negative (since I am a pessimist and think he will never text again or something).
    What would you recommend? I need your help.
    Thank you.

  12. Avatar

    Gaea

    August 19, 2019 at 10:40 pm

    I have been blocked since half a year. Since then, he hasn’t expressed any interest in getting back in touch with me.
    Have I lost him forever?

  13. Avatar

    Tschuch

    August 19, 2019 at 6:14 pm

    I just want to warn everyone out there that the no contract rule is not an end all be all solution to getting your ex back. There is nothing binding that says just because you enter into no contact that means your ex will be sitting at home crying over you and missing you. In my case, 5 months in, it was nothing more than an opportunity for my ex to be free of me and for me to find myself. He is not missing me, he does not wonder what I am doing, he will be moving on to someone new, and no matter how much work I put into myself it will not change that (it will only improve my own conditions for myself).

  14. Avatar

    Missing Him

    August 17, 2019 at 2:31 pm

    My bf and I dated for a year. He just broke up with me a week ago and I’ve been using No Contact since. I have a question about social media. I have not contacted him through it, but I am finding myself constantly checking to see if he’s on, if he’s posted anything, if he’s liked my posts or viewed my stories. It’s driving me crazy. Even though he doesn’t know I’m doing these things, I’m wondering if I should deactivate my accounts for my own sanity?