As I was brainstorming on how I wanted to approach this article I happened to stumble across an amazing quote,
“The right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing.”- Joshua Harris
This quote encompasses a large portion of my views on “ex recovery.”
I’ll give you an example, whenever I am lucky enough to get a success story from a visitor of this website I look into why that person succeeded and it really boils down to one thing, timing.
I mean, think about it.
If you go through a breakup your friends and family are often quick to point out that, that particular guy wasn’t right for you.
But often, I have found that, that isn’t necessarily true.
That guy could have been the “right person” who just found themselves attracted to you at the wrong time in their life.
The truth of the matter is that successful relationships usually boil down to timing.
The timing in his life…
The timing in your life…
Now, at this point you are probably sitting there thinking,
“What the hell does this have to do with not talking to your ex in a long time?”
Well, this idea of “timing” can also be applied to getting an ex back.
If you aren’t familiar with my teachings in Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO then allow me to give you a quick crash course.
I basically teach people a “value chain” for getting their ex back.
This one to be exact,
Now, if this graphic is confusing to you then I wouldn’t be surprised.
All I really want you to grasp right now is that the only way that this process works is if the timing is right and that’s essentially what this graphic is laying out for you.
It’s helping you to time things right.
My designer Taylor once told me this great quote when talking about Ex Boyfriend Recovery,
You don’t ask someone to marry you on the first date
How true is that?
And the same can be said about getting an ex back.
You can’t just ask an ex boyfriend to get back together with you immediately after the breakup.
The timing isn’t right for that.
Instead, there is a process that you have to follow to make the timing right and even then there are no guarantees.
And that leads me to my ultimate point.
WHEN you talk to an ex is just as important as HOW you talk to an ex.
And that’s what we are going to talk about today.
I am going to dissect one of the most difficult situations that a woman can find herself in if she wants her ex back, what to do if she hasn’t talked to him in a long time.
The Rule Of Timing And Talking
There is a general rule of thumb that we abide by here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery when it comes to your chances of success.
The further removed you are from a breakup the lower your chances of success are.
Let me give you an extreme example to hammer my point home.
Imagine you have a pair of couples.
- Couple One: 3 Months Removed From A Breakup
- Couple Two: 3 Years Removed From A Breakup
Which of these couples do you think has a better chance of getting back together?
Well, our own research has proven that couple one would have a better shot because the breakup is a little fresher on the mind for them.
Whereas with couple two the breakup is three years removed.
Now, I don’t want you to forget the fact that usually some time has to pass for a couple to be ready to try again.
This point was proven in my most recent interview with Neil Sattin,
You see, Neil is currently engaged to his ex.
And they did something really unique for their breakup. Something that I hadn’t heard of before. Essentially what they did was agree that they wouldn’t date anyone else for “X” amount of days.
This gave them time to be alone and contemplate if being together was right for them.
What an idea, right?
If only all breakups could be that civil.
But I think this is an important lesson in timing because after six months apart both of them realized that they wanted to be together. In other words, the timing was right.
And with that “segue” I’d like to introduce you to a harsh truth (that you may not want to hear.)
Generally speaking the further removed you are from your last real conversation with your ex the harder it is to actually get them back
Let’s dissect this “rule.”
I think the first thing that we have to do is define what a “real conversation” is.
Take this text message as an example,
This is not a real conversation to me.
Nothing of importance or interest is being conveyed when both parties just say “hey.”
Now, compare that text message string to this one,
This is the beginning of what looks like a great conversation.
When I refer to a “real conversation” this is what I am talking about.
So, let’s imagine that the last time you had a conversation like this with your ex was a year ago. Since then, you haven’t had any real communication back and forth. Well, according to the rule above you are going to be facing some headwind when it comes to getting him back.
Now, compare that to a situation where the last time you had a real conversation with your ex was a month ago. Chances are you are going to have a much easier time rebuilding rapport and attraction.
Of course, this leads me to my ultimate point.
This article is going to be focusing on the worst case scenario and what to do if you find yourself in it.
What Is The Worst Case Scenario?
Imagine that you and your ex had a horrible breakup.
And when I say horrible… I MEAN HORRIBLE.
He was yelling…
You were yelling…
It was a yellfest!
And then the two of you went your separate ways.
You don’t talk for YEARS!
But throughout those passing years there has been this little voice in the back of your head saying,
You know what, I may have made a mistake by letting him go.
Initially it starts off small but it quickly gains enough traction to make you want to take action.
So, what do you do?
Well, before we get to that the first thing I want to say to you is that what I just laid out for you is what I consider to be “the worst case scenario.”
Essentially it’s a scenario where you haven’t talked to your ex in a very long time and there doesn’t seem to be any chance of success.
Questions are swimming around in your head like,
- What do I do?
- What do I say?
- How do I approach him?
But there’s something about me that you don’t know.
I love challenges!
In fact, that greater the challenge the more intriguing the situation becomes for me. I mean, all you have to do is read Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO to get a sense of that.
So, here’s what I am going to do for you.
I am going to come up with a clear game plan for you to follow if you haven’t talked to your ex in a long time.
I am going to teach you,
- What to do
- What to say
- How to approach him
Hmm… why does that sound so familiar?
Oh wait, I just literally said the same stuff above!
But first things first, let’s explore if you have any hope if you do find yourself in a situation where you haven’t talked to your ex in a long time?
Is There Any Hope?
Every Monday I talk to Ashley, our head of content development here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery.
Usually we talk about the articles she is working on for the week and we start brainstorming the articles she is going to work on for the next week. Anyways, this Monday when I talked to her I happened to mention the fact that I was working on this article and she told me a pretty shocking story.
So shocking in fact that I asked her to send it to me over text so you can see it for yourself,
So, let’s break this down for a moment.
Ashley, and her ex boyfriend went through a breakup in college where he completely cut her out of his life as he moved overseas. Despite that she eventually got back on talking terms with him and they remained friends for years to come.
One day, years after the breakup had passed he called her up and asked her to move overseas to live with him JUST SO THEY COULD DATE!
Now, you may be asking yourself,
Why would he even feature that story from Ashley?
A couple of reasons!
First off, I want to show you that even when a situation seems impossible there is still hope.
Others have succeeded at what you are trying to do.
Secondly, I think we can learn something from Ashley’s approach.
But before I start diving into that I think we need to define our goal.
What Are You Trying To Accomplish?
This may be the most important question that you ask as you commit yourself to this process.
Because it’s going to dictate the way you go about things.
- Are you trying to get him back?
- Are you just trying to get back on speaking terms with him?
- Are you just trying to rekindle a friendship?
For the purposes of this article we are going to approach things like you are trying to get him back (since I think most of the women who read this are going to find themselves in that exact situation.)
BUT I find that I always explain things better when I have specific situation to work with.
I mean, there is a big “X” factor in play here still.
The “X” Factor: How long has it been since you had a real conversation with your ex
Let’s go ahead and assume that it’s been 4 months since the last conversation you had with your ex.
So, going forward I am going to try to tailor advice to this situation,
You want to get your ex boyfriend back after not talking to him once in a total of four months.
The big question jumbling around in your mind at this point probably is,
What the hell do I do to succeed in a situation like that?
Well, Here’s What You Do
This is going to sound really weird and make me sound like I am an old man but I have been doing this for half a decade!
And when you spend that much time focused on breakups you start picking up on the patterns that work versus the patterns that don’t work. That simple fact makes what I am about to say that much more powerful.
There’s just something about self improvement that is sexy to an ex.
It sounds counter productive, right?
I mean, I am sure that expert after expert has peddled “magic bullets” and “guarantees” in front of you in your search for answers and the thing about those “magic bullet guarantees” is that they usually revolve around a specific way to act in front of your ex.
But I am going to tell you a secret.
There is no magic bullet when it comes to getting an ex back
Yes, I will agree that there is an optimum way to act in “ex recovery” but oftentimes that pails in comparison to someone who has actually gone out and made something of themselves during their time apart.
Again, I hate to sound like a broken record but this point was hammered home by relationship expert, Neil Sattin in my most recent interview with him here (insert link).
He credited the fact that he had time apart with his ex as the reason for why they eventually ended up together.
Now, I know what you are thinking,
Ok, I kind of get what you are talking about Chris BUT your thoughts are a little scattered. Is there a way you can really explain what you mean by “self improvement.”
Let’s just start another section.
How To Improve During Your Time Apart
The first thing I want to explain to you is the fact that most women in your situation make a massive mistake when they come to the realization that they want to get their exes back after a long time apart.
They contact him without having made any significant strides in their own personal development.
Hmmm.. how can I put this?
Ok, imagine that there are two versions of you,
Each of these versions have dated your ex and each of them is in the same exact circumstance that we are covering in this article, they want him back after not having talked to him for a significant amount of time.
The only difference between these two versions of you is what they have done with that “significant” amount of time.
Version one hasn’t done anything with her time apart from her ex.
Version two has done a lot. She’s gotten a new job. Lost a lot of weight. Dated a few new people. Made a lot of friends.
Hell, she feels like an entirely new/better person.
So, let’s switch gears for a moment and look at the situation from your exes perspective.
After, let’s say four months, version one of you reaches out to your ex and tries to get him back. Ultimately he isn’t receptive to version one because he feels like that chapter in his life is over and he doesn’t want another messy breakup.
I mean, version one has nothing new to bring to the table.
Version two, on the other hand, does!
In fact, version two is almost like a completely different person and that brings a sense of newness and excitement to the relationship and I think we all know my thoughts on “newness.”
Now, I realized I have talked a lot but I haven’t really given you anything actionable for self improvement.
Well, I am actually going to give you my two best tips.
- The “Date Yourself” Philosophy
- The Holy Trinity
What Is The “Date Yourself” Philosophy?
About a week ago I conducted an interview with a pretty interesting woman.
Her name is Veronica Grant and she is a dating coach.
You can watch the interview here,
Now, the thing that really caught my eye when it came to Veronica was the fact that she is a big proponent of “dating yourself.” Now, I am someone who considers myself to be pretty “well read” but I hadn’t ever heard of “dating yourself.”
So, that was an obvious question that I brought to her attention and she had maybe one of the best answers I had ever heard before,
Dating yourself is kind of what it sounds like. Doing things for yourself that you would either want or expect your significant other to do for you. So, it can be things like buying yourself flowers, writing yourself a love note, taking like a hot bubble bath, taking yourself out for a drink or for a nice dinner but really the deeper essence of it is making yourself feel how you want to feel on your relationship.
What an idea!
By treating yourself like you want to be treated in a relationship you are essentially putting yourself in a happier frame of mind and you are opening yourself up to positive experiences.
Not only is it a way to reshape your philosophy of how you should be treated by a man you date but it is also a way to self heal.
It’s ingenious and I have to give Veronica all the credit in the world on this one.
You can check her out here.
So, that’s kind of my first BIG tip for you.
Take a few weeks and “date yourself.”
However, I want you to simultaneously do something else.
Take Advantage Of The Holy Trinity
Life can be divided up into three important aspects,
These three aspects make up what I like to call “the holy trinity.”
I’ve talked about this a lot on this website before so it’s not like I am revolutionizing anything here.
The idea here is to take each one of these aspects of the holy trinity and improve your life significantly. This way by the time you do end up contacting your ex after this extended period it’s going to seem like you are an even better version of yourself that he is used to.
Besides, I think it really plays into this idea of “dating yourself.” By focusing on the holy trinity you are focusing on yourself and doing things that are going to ultimately make you feel good about yourself.
Now, I don’t want to get too much into how to improve each aspect of “the holy trinity” especially when it’s something that I cover in great detail in my book, Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO. What I will say though is that even though it seems like improving each aspect of “the holy trinity” seems like an easy thing to do, it’s not.
As a human being you only have a certain amount of time that you can dedicate into each aspect and finding the perfect balance of time for each aspect is very difficult.
So, don’t think that this is going to be a walk in the park because it’s not.
What To Say To Your Ex After Not Talking To Him In A Long Time
A funny thing happened a few weeks ago when I was fielding questions for my podcast. You see, if you aren’t already aware I run a pretty diverse podcast where I allow visitors to call in and ask me questions using this page.
Anyways, I happened to get a really funny question and it stuck with me enough to write about it here.
Basically, a woman who you could tell really wanted her ex back completely botched what I like to call “the first contact” text message.
First Contact Text Message: The first time you talk to your ex after an extended period of time (like the no contact rule.)
I have to admit that this is an area where a lot of women struggle and it’s not hard to see why.
There are so many questions floating around in their heads,
- What do I say?
- Will he respond?
- What if he says something mean back to me?
- Will this even work?
These questions are very relevant because you are probably having these same exact questions.
However, there is one question that I know for a fact consumes most women,
Won’t it be weird to just “all of a sudden” show up in my exes life after not talking to him for a long time?
The answer to this question is,
“Yes it will be weird.”
And this is something that we have to overcome together.
So, how can we overcome this “weirdness?”
Well, really it boils down to what you say. As long as you word things in the right way and convey something interesting that initial weird feeling won’t matter so much.
It’s often said that,
“Words have a magical power. They can bring either the greatest happiness or deepest despair; they can transfer knowledge from teacher to student; words enable the orator to sway his audience and dictate its decisions. Words are capable of arousing the strongest emotions and prompting all men’s actions.” -Sigmund Freud
And that’s how you are going to overcome this weirdness, with words.
The real question is,
What Words Shall You Use?
That is a great question!
A few months ago I did a podcast episode deconstructing the perfect first contact text message.
In that episode I mentioned that there are generally four factors that you need to look at to create a perfect message.
- Action Phrases
- The Tie In
So, here’s what I am going to do for you. I am going to go through each of these factors and give you examples of how you are going to incorporate them into your first contact text message.
Sound like a plan?
The first thing you are going to want to do is leverage what you already know to be true about your ex.
What are his likes?
What is the one topic that he always lit up on when you would talk to him about it?
I’ll give you an example, it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to talk to him about “french fries” in your first contact text message if you know for a fact that he despises them. Essentially what you are doing is you are leveraging what you know about him to pick a topic or theme of your text message. You want this topic or theme to be positive in nature.
I’ll tell you what.
I’ll use my ex as an example so I can jump down to your level.
When I look back on my relationship with my ex there is one singular thought that jumps to mind, sky diving.
For some reason my ex was obsessed with skydiving and wanting nothing more to do it. Of course, I didn’t want to sky dive or do anything like that at all. But she had some strange obsession with it.
This is important knowledge for me to understand because it’s going to be the theme of my text message. In other words, my entire text message to my ex would be about sky diving.
So, now that we have the theme of the message picked out let’s move on to the next component of the first contact text message, stories.
Here’s a little known fact.
If you want to become a master at re-attracting your ex the first thing you need to do is become a master storyteller.
How do you become a master storyteller?
Well, you are going to use logic and rhetoric.
Both are equally important to master and both must be used in your first contact text message.
For the record,
- Logic- Stating the facts in a story
- Rhetoric- Telling a story in a way so that it has the most impact on an audience
I did a great little skit explaining this in detail in the video below,
So, here’s what we know so far about the perfect first contact text message.
- You need to pick a theme around the text message utilizing the knowledge you have of your ex
- Once you have your theme picked you need to work it into a story utilizing logic and rhetoric
Lets move on to the next component.
I want you to imagine something for me for a moment.
Imagine that you are walking around at a function and you see a group of your friends huddled together talking amongst themselves.
You walk up to this group and you try to get their attention by simply saying,
Of course, they are talking amongst themselves and don’t hear the “hey.”
Simply talking to them won’t do the trick.
What you really need to do is something drastic to get their attention.
So you decide to “SNAP” really loud,
This works as immediately everyone stops what they are doing and turns their attention to you.
The same principle is going to apply to your first contact text message.
You need to do something that grabs your exes attention away from whatever it is he is doing and focus his attention on you.
That’s where “action phrases” come into play.
An action phrase is something that you can say to your ex to snap him into place and grab his attention.
I’ll give you an example,
These are all examples of action phrases. I mean, imagine how you would react if someone who you were interested in had texted one of these things to you.
Do you think you’d respond?
I’m betting that you would!
So, the question now becomes,
What do you do with your action phrase?
Well, it’s how I want you to start the conversation with your ex. I want you to snap his attention to you and then you can get into telling your story.
Let’s move on to the final component of the first contact text message.
The Tie In
I’m going to admit that there is some risk with this and for that reason I am going to say that this particular component is optional.
Here’s how the tie in works.
At the end of your first contact text message you are going to say a phrase similar to this,
“It was the first time I thought about you in a while.”
The purpose of saying this is that you want to accomplish two things,
- Establish that you aren’t thinking too much about your ex
- Make him wonder, “Why hasn’t she thought of me in the X amount of time we haven’t talked?”
Honestly, that’s all there is to this component.
Remember, it’s optional and can be a bit risky.
Putting It All Together
Ok, let’s put all of this stuff together so you can get a full grasp of how a perfect first contact text should work and since I kind of already got one started centered around my ex let’s just take that and run with it.
So, if you’ll recall there are four main components to a perfect first contact text message
- Action Phrase
- Tie In
What I’d like to do now is go down the list and start constructing my text based on these four items.
Let’s start with knowledge,
If you remember my teaching on knowledge above you’d remember that the theme I chose for a hypothetical first contact text message to my own ex would revolve around sky diving.
Because I know it’s something that she was obsessed about and would be responsive to.
Therefore, this first contact text message is going to revolve around skydiving.
This is where you have to get a bit creative. My job here is to create a compelling story that my ex is going to want to hook into or respond to. Now, this may sound crazy but here’s the idea I came up with.
My ex was obsessed with sky diving because it’s something that she always wanted to do but never had the guts to.
Some would say that it’s a dream of hers.
Well, what if I went sky diving?
Then I would have one hell of a story to tell, wouldn’t I?
Now, am I recommending that you should go sky diving and text your ex about it? Absolutely not. I am just trying to show you how powerful this method can be if you really commit to it.
So, the story I tell my ex will probably look like this,
This text paints a vivid picture of me being “so nervous that I am shaking.” Something that I feel a lot of people can relate to when they think of skydiving.
It’s a perfect story too because it’s something my ex always wanted to do so I am close to certain that she can hook into the story and respond to the text.
Of course, simply telling this story isn’t enough. Remember, there are a few extra steps.
One can argue that this is the most important part of the first contact text message because this is the phrase that is supposed to capture an exes attention and make them pay attention.
And since we already have our theme and our story all we really need at this point is to say something to call my exes attention to it and I have just the thing!
Six simple words,
Ideally, my ex will get this text and immediately be curious as to where I am in.
Thus, she will answer the text with,
And this is how you can segue into your story.
This leads us to our final component.
Finally I think it might be a nice touch for me to add in,
This ties directly into my exes feelings and it’s kind of a sweet thing to say.
So, when you put everything together here’s what it looks like,
What Do I Do Next?
So, let’s assume that you sent a first contact text message to your ex boyfriend after not seeing or talking to each other in a very long time.
What do you do next?
Well, do you have five hours to talk with me?
Seriously, explaining everything you have to do would take me that long.
I’ll give you an example.
This Friday I am going to be conducting a live coaching call and posting it on my podcast (In fact, after it goes live I may pop back on this page and update this section so you can see it.)
Anyways, I have been prepping for this thing for a good week now and have a pretty good idea on what I want to tackle with the person being featured.
There’s just one problem.
We only have an hour to chat on the phone and an hour isn’t anywhere near what it takes to explain everything that needs to happen in order to get an ex back.
And that leaves us at a bit of a fork in the road.
The way I see it is you have two choices.
Choice #1: Take what little you’ve learned in this article and hope it’s enough to win your ex back.
Choice #2: Obtain a resource that has everything laid out for you step by step so you know exactly what to do.
Which choice do you prefer?
Probably choice two, right?
Well, I’d like to introduce you to the resource that I am talking about in choice two.
It’s called, Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO and without a doubt I am confident in saying that it’s the most comprehensive resource out there for you to lean on when it comes to getting your ex boyfriend back.
Oh, and one of the things you’ll learn about in PRO is the fact that you need to constantly leave your ex wanting more.
Which is kind of what I am doing right now 😉 .