I am a member of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Facebook Group and have been since the beginning of March. Joining it is one of the best decisions I have ever made. There are a number of established members, but new people are joining every day, and are at various stages of the process when they do. Many women (and a few men now, too), find the group in the direct aftermath of their breakup, and come seeking advice and support as they work through their heartache.
Of course, it’s been well documented on Ex Boyfriend Recovery, and on many other sites that one of the first steps you should take if you want to get your ex back is to implement the No Contact Rule. On the Facebook group, one of the concerns a lot of girls have is “But will my ex forget about me?”
I’m here to tell you: It is HIGHLY unlikely that your ex will forget about you. Unless they experience a head injury that causes them to lose their memory, they are not going to forget you. Over time, memories fade, of course, but you never really forget the feelings you had for someone (though there are honestly times I really wish I could). Unless your ex is a total jerk or a sociopath – in which case, you don’t want to be with him anyway – he is not going to forget about you so easily.
Whether you were together for three months or three years, your ex had positive feelings for you at one point. Even if the breakup was absolutely awful and the relationship ended in a fiery mess, or your ex claims to hate you, keep in mind: “Hate is love that’s been injured.”
Positive feelings don’t dissipate so easily, as much as we wish they did. I mean, you’re here, aren’t you? Your feelings for him haven’t totally evaporated. What makes you think he would?
If you think your ex is going to forget about you, it’s a sign you really need to leap into No Contact and start rebuilding your self-esteem. He’s not going to forget about you. You are unforgettable. That is the mentality you need to adopt during No Contact. Imagine that your ex is thinking as much about you as you are about them. Tell yourself that it’s killing him not to reach out to you.
No Contact acts as a reset for you and your ex. You don’t want him to forget about you, but you do want him to forget about all of the negative memories, or at least make them fade a bit so that the positive memories are what remain. No Contact will assist with that, so embrace it!
Of course, you shouldn’t do No Contact for forever (unless you’ve decided you don’t want him back, obviously). Chris says that the max period for No Contact should be 45 days, as this is around the time that your ex will begin to emotionally separate from you. People are habit forming, and if you do No Contact for too long, your ex is going to begin the process of moving on. This is what we do not want, so be sure to not go too over the 45 day mark.
The Male Mind
When I met up with my ex following my No Contact period, I got a bit of insight into what he was thinking about during those 30 days.
The answer? Me. Constantly.
He told me as much. He said he thought about me a lot and missed me. He asked if I was seeing anyone. My silence made him think that I was moving on. He mentioned that he had been talking about me with his friends and that they always asked about me. He even admitted he still had feelings for me. He kept trying to draw out our date, and at the end of the night, he didn’t want me to leave. I had him right where I wanted him.
He didn’t forget me. How could he? I am totally and 100% unforgettable.
Why He’s Not Reaching Out During No Contact
Another question women in the facebook group ask is “Is it bad that my ex isn’t reaching out to me during the No Contact period?”
And the answer is, not really. Let’s explore some of the reasons why your ex may not reach out to you over the course of the No Contact period:
- He’s giving you space to heal – This is what my ex did. And if he’s a good guy, it shows he respects you and your feelings. My ex wanted to reach out to me all the time during No Contact. But he knew that he had hurt me, and that I needed some space. So though he texted me before No Contact was up, he left me alone for three weeks to do some healing. A good guy does this. A guy who knows you’re in pain and knows that he is the root cause of that pain will give you time to learn to love yourself again after your heart has been destroyed.
- He needs space to heal – Maybe you broke up with or cheated on him and he’s angry and needs time, but even if he broke up with you, he may need some time to get over you as well. As I mentioned before, people are habit forming, and he may need that time to do some healing work just as much as you do. Space is a GOOD thing. You both need it after the breakup, so do not fear if he is not reaching out. He’s probably wondering why you’re not reaching out.
- He’s using tactics – No Contact is a pretty popular idea and lots of breakup experts advocate for its use. I think a lot of people implement it, even if they aren’t in a program like Ex Boyfriend Recovery. It’s common sense, really: What’s a good way to make someone miss you? Completely disappear from their life overnight. The thing that is complicated about breakups is that even if your guy dumped you, he doesn’t want you jumping to be with someone else right away. He wants you to mourn his loss. He wants you to show him his value by indicating how heartbroken you are. There is always a race to be the “winner” of the breakup, and No Contact is a strong way to start off on the right foot to ensure you beat him to the finish line.
- His Sphere of Influence – Maybe he has another woman he’s seeing who doesn’t want him talking to you (don’t worry – she’s almost certainly a rebound). Maybe his family and friends are discouraging him from talking to you. Either way, your guy is going to take advice from those closest to him, and if they push him to stay silent, he likely will. This doesn’t mean he won’t respond when you reach out, though, so don’t let that get you down! Stick to the plan. It works for women in our group on a daily basis.
- He’s stubborn – As Chris has mentioned before, guys often have the “she needs to be the one to reach out first” mentality after the breakup. Even if they broke up with you! It’s annoying, but again, No Contact is a great way to show him that you are not ruffled by his actions. Embrace the 21/30/45 days and then try reaching out.
- He’s a jerk – and therefore, not worth your time – This does happen sometimes, and it sucks. Sometimes, we lose ourselves in our relationships, and our partners hurt us more than we could ever have imagined. They start showing a side of themselves that we’ve never seen before. It is possible that your guy is ignoring you through No Contact because he is, quite simply, a jerk, and doesn’t care about you. However, I think that those instances are rare. But if your situation falls into this category, do you want to be with him anyway?
Related Article: What is your ex thinking during No Contact”
So What Do I Do?
Okay, so your ex isn’t going to forget about you. We’ve established that. So with that in mind, embrace No Contact fully. Now, what do we do to keep you on his radar while you are off living your amazing life as an Ungettable Girl?
There is a great article here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery about how to amp your social media presence to make sure your ex is seeing what you’re up to. An amazing success story was shared on the facebook group a month or so ago, and this woman was an absolute genius and used a whole bunch of amazing tactics to make sure that her status updates were always showing up at the top of her ex’s feed. Be sure to check out her article and the podcast interview she did with Chris on the site. There are lots of really solid tips and ideas there.
He’s not going to forget about you, but it definitely doesn’t hurt to make sure he’s seeing how great you’re doing without him. And admit it – it feels a little nice to rub it in, doesn’t it?
If you fear that your ex will forget about you, the best thing that you can do is to focus on yourself. You are the only thing that you have the power to control, so start there. You can’t change the past, and you can’t read your ex’s mind or force him to change his mind, but you can do everything in your power to make him regret the breakup. So start there.
One of the biggest things I see for some girls when they first join the group is that they are so obsessed with their ex and scared to begin the No Contact period for fear that their ex will forget about them. He will not. Some women obsess over their ex so much that they don’t take the golden opportunity that the No Contact stage offers. If there is one message I could make sure gets through to every girl, it would be to please use the No Contact period to take care of yourself. You are the only thing that you can control. And that is powerful.
The No Contact period can be an amazing opportunity to become an even better version of yourself. It’s when we are feeling at our lowest that we have to fight the hardest, and that is when you find out what you’re made of.
Whistler is a minor character in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but he has a quote in season 2 (superior to all other seasons) that has always resonated with me:
“Bottom line is, even if you see ’em coming, you’re not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So what are we, helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come. You can’t help that. It’s what you do afterward that counts. That’s when you find out who you are.” – Whistler (Becoming: Part 1).
You’re hurting, and deserve the time to take care of yourself and feel whole again. Your ex will not forget about you. Take your power back. Your power is in your silence. Do everything you can to feel good about yourself – go get a massage, get your nails done, take up a new hobby. Don’t obsess over your ex and if he’s thinking about you. He is. Frequently. He is also almost absolutely checking out your social media pages, so give him something to look at, ladies. Make him regret leaving you. Make it impossible for him to forget you. Because you are absolutely unforgettable. It’s time to start living like it.
(Written by an anonymous member of EBR.)