Hey guys!

I thought I would do something a little different with this episode of “The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.” Traditionally I have people call in and ask me questions. I then take those questions and answer them for about 20 minutes. But this last week was a little difficult since I was very busy.

In other words, I didn’t have the time to break down someone else’s situation and then record a podcast episode.

Instead, I figured I would give a lecture over a tactic that I have become synonymous with, the no contact rule.

I specifically wanted to talk about the situations where you are allowed to break the no contact rule (they exist.)

What I Talk About In This Episode

  • What The No Contact Rule Is
  • Psychological Reactance
  • The Situations Where You Can Break It
  • The No Contact Rule Book
  • The “Seven”
  • The Rule Of Four
  • And Much More
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203 thoughts on “EBR 046: Can You Ever Break The No Contact Rule?”

  1. Avatar

    Didi

    September 20, 2019 at 2:36 am

    I going on week 1 of no contact. He messaged and told me he has a tumor in his thyroid and they are doing to do surgery at the end of this month to remove the tumor. It’s a common surgery apparently but I’m really worried about him. Should I break the NC rule to check on him after the surgery or wish him well right before the surgery?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 21, 2019 at 5:24 pm

      Hi Didi, this is a rare occasion I would say wish him well and then back into NC – do not have any interaction more than the one message

  2. Avatar

    anna

    March 26, 2019 at 7:13 pm

    its been week 3 of NC- he wished me a happy bday. he dumped me first- then I dumped him after 2 terrible weeks of back and forth.
    how do i respond?

  3. Avatar

    Becca

    March 24, 2018 at 10:51 pm

    My grandmother has just passed away and I want to talk to my ex so badly about it. It’s been less than a week since we’ve broken up but he’s my best friend, the only person I could vent to about this.
    Am I allowed to break no contact?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 3, 2018 at 1:10 am

      Nope, I am sorry but this isn’t usually recommended.

      Is there anyone else you can vent to?

    2. Avatar

      Becca

      April 3, 2018 at 4:05 am

      Not really It’s a rough situation because my mom is dealing with this loss while trying to help me with my heartbreak, and I’m trying to be there for her through her difficult time. My ex’s sister actually texted me to check how I was doing after the breakup since I was very close to his family after dating 2 years and I told her the truth about how miserable I was, especially now dealing with my grandma’s passing and she actually told him the news as I was talking to her. Is it bad that he didn’t say anything to me after finding out from her? Has he stopped caring? Does he think since I didn’t personally tell him that I don’t want any part of him anymore?

    3. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 4, 2018 at 12:57 am

      I think it’s a unique bonding opportunity for the two of you (your mom and you.)

      But I’m that annoying eternal optimist.

      I don’t think he has stopped caring at all.

    4. Avatar

      Becca

      April 4, 2018 at 3:05 am

      I think you are right. I hope things turn around. I’m halfway through NC period and have been going to the gym daily, lost almost 10 pounds, talked to a therapist, and start college next month. I think my ex always wanted to see me improve myself and be a more responsible person (partially why he lost connection with me) so taking these steps will help in many ways and hopefully he will see that. If anything, I’ve learned to better myself for personal growth.
      Thank you for your advice, Chris. I appreciate you and your website and will continue No Contact and will follow up with the next steps you’ve talked about

    5. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 5, 2018 at 10:47 pm

      I am glad you like the website.

      Anything we can do to make it better?

      Keep me up to date on your situation.

  4. Avatar

    Sofia

    February 9, 2018 at 3:31 pm

    Okay, will bear that in mind. We text and have had one short phone call. But he really wants to come stay with me or me to go stay with him. I think in our previous relationship we moved too quickly and we enjoyed just cuddling each other and I think he misses that because so did I. But I understand that the rapport should definitely be built first, so how long do you think we will need to build the rapport before we can stay over and become physically intimate again? Thank you.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 12, 2018 at 11:13 pm

      I don’t want to put a set number on when you should be more physical but the bottomline is, don’t do it like before.. Do things or activities that you didn’t do before.. Get to know each other more in a different light or discover new things by doing new things..if it took you a month or 3 before being physical before then do it longer than that this time..

  5. Avatar

    Sofia

    February 8, 2018 at 8:02 am

    That’s alright! I ended up breaking the no contact rule on day 29 – I didn’t have a choice because he turned up at my apartment and texted me that he was there, only thing I wasn’t there but my friend could have been, so texted him that I’m not living there anymore and that he would get in trouble with my friend if she had opened the door. Then he started asking me why I hadn’t been replying, we almost got pulled into an argument because I told him again the reasons for why I broke up with him, but he just kept saying sorry and that he missed me, told him he needed to do smth about it. And didn’t wanna harp on it too much so I accepted his apology and told him it’ll take a while Again to rebuild the trust. I was also moving out so he offered to help carry my boxes. Now we are just building rapport – I read about the tide theory but didn’t really do it :/ but I tried to not text so much on some days, and some other days I did. He’s helping out with moving some stuff during the weekend but he also keeps asking me to come spend time and stay with him. Do you think it’s a little too early for that?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 9, 2018 at 12:09 pm

      Yeah, I think you should take it slow. It’s ok if you’re not following the tide theory, just don’t rush things.

  6. Avatar

    Sofia

    February 2, 2018 at 5:04 pm

    He called me again today using a different number – I knew it because I recognised it as his mum’s phone number. Should I call back and act surprised that it was him when no contact ends or has he made enough contact for me to break the no contact rule? I’m on day 28 right now.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 7, 2018 at 11:22 am

      sorry for the late reply Sofia.. how is your texting phase now?

  7. Avatar

    Sofia

    February 1, 2018 at 7:51 pm

    He kept saying really miss u a few a times and pls stop ignoring me, and saying call me. Idk should I reply?? ><

  8. Avatar

    Sofia

    February 1, 2018 at 7:47 pm

    He sent me like 5 messages today saying he miss me and to stop ignoring him and then sent some other sad emojis. Idk should I break the no contact rule? I’m on day 27 now.

    I’m
    Not sure what to do 🙁

  9. Avatar

    Sofia

    January 31, 2018 at 10:51 pm

    Ok thank you for all your advice so far Amor. speaking of the supposed initial text, I’m not sure how to go about it. I don’t know how to naturally start the conversation, I read that it’s supposed to be something that he is interested in, but I don’t know how to start it naturally. I just don’t see how it will work. n. Could you give me some advice?

  10. Avatar

    Sofia

    January 31, 2018 at 2:02 pm

    Ok say we talk on day 30, what should I say for not replying him for that long? Just say maybe I needed time to heal from everything? Because I don’t wanna hurt him and make it seem like I’m just ignoring him to make him upset.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 31, 2018 at 6:17 pm

      You can say that if he asks.. If not, just continue on with your supposed initial text.

  11. Avatar

    Sofia

    January 31, 2018 at 2:00 pm

    Okay.. it’s just I feel bad 🙁 he sent me a few more messages on insta with a sad face. I’m starting to feel a lil bad. 🙁

  12. Avatar

    Anisa Suraya

    January 30, 2018 at 3:55 pm

    So I’m on day 25 now. I blOcked him on WhatsApp.

    So far day 1: he sent me negative message on insta asking me to stop ignoring him
    Day 3: sent another negative message on insta to tell me to stop being a baby and reply him
    Day 5: sent another negative message on insta along the same lines
    Day 8: he sent a neutral message on insta asking me how I am, am I ok today
    Day 11: he called me on the phone
    Day 12: he asked me on Facebook why I’m not replying him, few hours later said he’s sorry for the things I highlighted during our break up
    Day 17: he called me on Facebook and just said my name
    Day 20: he messaged me on insta saying I was being very rude and it’s irrtating him esp since he apologised alr
    Day 24: he message on insta saying hey 🙁
    Day 25: he called me but using someone else’s phone, but I recognised the number

    Should I end the no contact early or keep going till day 30?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 31, 2018 at 1:25 am

      Nope, keep going in nc unless he literally says he wants to get back together.

  13. Avatar

    Sofia

    January 28, 2018 at 10:31 pm

    I’m on day 24 now.

    Recently messages started out negative and then became neutral and then positive but about 3-4 days ago, he gave me a positive message, saying miss you. And then sent another message “sweety” and a heart shape. Then an hour later he said stop ignoring me it’s really rude and starting to irritate me not joking, very rude especially since I alr apolgised.

    I don’t understand why he is acting this way – first, he said he’s sorry, now he’s getting all angry again as though we are still together. Any advice?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 31, 2018 at 1:25 am

      That’s a good sign. That means he’s trying to get you to reply. Stick to at least 30 days, unless he says he wants to get back together.

  14. Avatar

    Sofia

    January 22, 2018 at 5:36 pm

    Ok, thanks Amor! I thought so as well. I’m on day 17 now and received a positive Facebook message and call from him. I read on the website that doing no contact for too long in some situations is not actually good. I’m not sure if my category would fall under the 21 day or 30 day one?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 24, 2018 at 2:32 am

      Do the 30 days nc

  15. Avatar

    Sofia

    January 21, 2018 at 7:08 am

    Because we broke up. There was a lot of fighting in our relationship and towards the end it was just really bad. We both had said mean things to each other before or said things out of anger but he started being really mean and angry towards the end during our fights.

    Anyway update: the tracker has updated and shown me that he had arranged a redelivery yesterday so he has received the keys.

    Shall I continue ahead with no contact or respond to his messages?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 21, 2018 at 3:38 pm

      Ah ok..yes, just continue on in nc..

  16. Avatar

    Sofia

    January 20, 2018 at 1:16 am

    Hi, I blocked him on whatsapp and I’ve been in no contact for 15 days now. For the past 2 weeks, he has been contacting me quite a lot throUgh instagram, Facebook, phone calls which I never answered. Initially he was annoyed that I was not responding and sent me messages telling me to stop ignoring him and letting me know he was annoyed, about a week ago, he started sending more neutral messages like how have u been late, are u okay today. A few days ago he texted me saying that he misses me and sorry for being angry and that he shouldn’t have been horrible to me.
    Also about a week ago I found something in my house while cleaning that belonged to him – it was his house keys with a keychain with a picture of his dad who had passed away recently. I am sure he must have thought that he had lost it somehow. I mailed it to him using special delivery but it required a signature and he hadn’t been home so they left a card telling him to collect from the delivery office himself. I can track the mail, and it’s been a week and he still hasn’t collected it. I’m genuinely worried that the mailman did not drop the card in the right address because he should have collected it by now. Should I break no contact to let him know or just wait for the keys to be resent to me?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 21, 2018 at 5:03 am

      Hi Sofia,

      why did you initiate nc?

  17. Avatar

    Crystal

    August 7, 2017 at 11:25 pm

    Hi,

    So we broke up about a week or two ago. Before that I was away for a week on vacation, and I knew something was wrong and we didn’t talk for nearly any of that time. When I got back, he broke up with me after we talked about the reasons why. He needed time to figure out what was going on in his own mind, ect, ect. So I gave him time. He took about a week in which I didn’t contact him. Then we went to a work function and he said that he missed being with me and said sorry. After that we did “stuff”. But I still don’t think we are back together. So I started the NC period, and he’s texted me 3 times since yesterday. Should I continue NC or should I move onto the next phase since he broke down and said he missed me and that he was sorry?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 9, 2017 at 2:22 pm

      Nope, continue in nc..be active in improving yourself and in posting..dont use jealousy moves that are too forward like posting and captioning it that you’re dating a new guy, or showing pda

  18. Avatar

    Daya

    August 4, 2017 at 12:47 pm

    I’m on Day 7 of no contact. Here is what he has texted/call so far.

    Day 3: Are we officially not talking? (plus video)
    Day 6: I guess so
    (Call)
    Day 6: sorry I called earlier, had a rough day
    Day 6 night: Jackson tried to fight me and pushed me down a staircase then the cops showed up

    I’m really worried about that! He broke his back years ago by falling down the stairs. Am I allowed to break contact or do I have to remain silence for another few weeks?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 6, 2017 at 9:33 am

      he’s obviously trying to get you to reply.. so, don’t

  19. Avatar

    Amy

    July 23, 2017 at 10:03 pm

    Hi, is it okay to break nc if it is their birthday? Just to send one quick message?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 25, 2017 at 10:24 am

  20. Avatar

    fixingthings

    July 6, 2017 at 12:38 am

    So i ended up breaking no contact and i dont know if i blew my chances.
    My boyfriend and I were together for almost two years and the entire relationship was an extremely intense roller coaster and we have this insane connection even when we arent talking to each other. we have an age difference of 7 years, and he is 21. He is the one who broke off the relationship almost two months ago saying that he cant give me what I deserve and he loves me and cares for me too much to be the cause of my unhappiness. The breakup was partially my fault as well, because i indicated to him that i wasnt happy with how less time he was spending with me, and that if this was going to be the case, maybe we should break up, but the breakup happened when i thought we were working on things and it threw me off, i did all the wrong things like getting upset, asking him how he could do this etc. but he was patient through all of it, he seemed to always want to be there for me to help me through the breakup, even when i didnt go and ask him for help. whenever i tried putting any distance between us for even a few days, he kept reaching out to me, telling me that he needs me to be in his life in some shape or form, and that he will lose his sanity without me. he always wants to know what is going on in my life and things like that, till date he keeps telling me that he has always loved me and will always love me more than i could ever know. we had broken up a few months ago which was initiated by him and he kept trying to contact me for ten days until i finally broke down and responded to him, and he felt incredibly guilty that time for breaking up with me. This time when he broke up with me i just heaped such a huge amount of guilt on him when it happened that i think he really truly does want to be with me but he doesnt trust his own judgment and feels that there is no going back after this blunder. i decided to do the no contact because i do love him and want to be with him, but i also realized that i have to mature and improve as a person. i was successful in doing no contact for 15 days, he had been trying to contact me on and off since day 3 of no contact, but recently i changed my profile picture to a new happy picture of me and ever since then he kept messaging me nonstop telling me that he needs to speak to me, that all he needs is for me to message him once and he will leave me alone, and that he is in a really bad shape. i was avoiding the messages until i started feeling extremely worried for him, because i know he is extremely vulnerable mentally and earlier when situations used to come up i used to be the one to strengthen him. I finally messaged him today to make sure hes ok and also to tell him that we cant keep doing this, and that I am trying to become stronger and improve as a person so that we can talk to each other in the future where it doesnt hurt me and that i need some space to do that and i want him to respect that. he said that he will respect that. During the conversation he was telling me how he cried every single day when i wasnt responding to him and how the breakup hit home over time and how he doesnt do anything anymore and doesnt talk to anyone anymore. I am torn, as to what to do next, i know he loves me as much as i love him, and i really want to make things work, i feel if i resume no contact he will respect it this time, as he hopes i will talk to him in the future if he “behaves himself”. should i resume contact? if so, for how long?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 6, 2017 at 7:38 pm

      restart no contact and do at least 30 days

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