The no contact rule is among one of the most important strategies that you will need to employ if you want to have success getting your ex back.

It’s also among the most difficult strategies to complete.

According to my own internal research I estimate that about 80% of men and women who attempt the no contact rule will end up failing it.

Therefore, you’ll have a lot of individuals who attempt the no contact rule a second time around.

But will it work?

Can it still be as effective?

Well, that’s what we are here to find out.

Failing A No Contact Rule And Trying It A Second Time

Having me sit here and write an article about what to do if you fail the no contact rule is counter productive.

The answer is simple,

You try again and do your best not to mess up

The more interesting question has to do with if the no contact rule will still work the second time around.

There’s a lot of debate out there with this and I thought you’d be interested to hear an actual experts take.

So, here’s everything we are going to be talking about in this article,

  • What The No Contact Rule Is
  • What Failing It Looks Like
  • If It Is Still Effective If You Have To Do It A Second Time
  • Some Tips On How To Not Fail It The Second Time Around

Let’s begin!

What Is The No Contact Rule? 

In case you’re new I thought this would be a good section to include.

If you’re already an EBR veteran than you can probably just skip this and move on to the next section.

What is the no contact rule?

Well, quite simply it’s a period of time where you ignore your ex on purpose.

For those of us who are visual learners,

We’ve found success with three different time frames,

  1. The 21 Day Rule
  2. The 30 Day Rule
  3. The 45 Day Rule

If you want the full low down of which “time frame” you should be employing for your situation I highly recommend you pick up the no contact rule book that I wrote.

The only rule with the no contact rule is that you can’t break it.

(There are actually a few circumstances where you have to alter this but for the most part you can’t.)

So, that means that if your ex asks you something like,

You can’t respond.

If they call you and leave a voice mail.

You can’t respond.

If they threaten to “never talk to you again” if you don’t respond.

You can’t respond.

That is the no contact rule in a nutshell.

 Here’s What “Failing” The No Contact Rule Looks Like

At the beginning of this article I made a pretty bold statement.

Do you remember what that statement was?

I estimate that around 80% of individuals who attempt the no contact rule will end up failing it at least one time.

Now, what do I mean by that?

Simply put, they will break that one rule of not responding to their ex.

Here’s how it usually goes down.

You get really excited to try the no contact rule out on your ex. You come to our website, read our stuff. Heck, maybe you even buy my best selling book and read about it there.

The point is that you are sold on it.

Things seem to be going pretty well until fear starts to grip you.

What if my ex forget about me while I’m ignoring them?

This fear only becomes compounded more by the fact that contrary to what you thought would happen your ex hasn’t made an attempt to reach out to you at all.

In fact, by the time they do reach out you have worked yourself up so much that you just throw caution to the wind and decide to respond to them.

I’ve seen about a dozen variations of this exact situation over the last six and a half years and it never ceases to amaze me the internal dialogue going on in my clients head that prevents them from completing the no contact rule.

Now I know, from afar the no contact rule seems like an easy thing to complete.

You’re sitting there thinking,

Wait, all I have to do is ignore my ex for 30 days? That’s it?

But this is a naive statement to make.

Completing the no contact rule is extremely difficult because the odds aren’t in your favor. In fact, according to my research there is only a 20% chance that you’ll be perfect you’re first time around.

Now, this leads us to the inevitable question of,

What happens when you fail the no contact rule and have to attempt it a second time? Will it still work?

Let’s find out!

Can The No Contact Rule Work If You Have To Attempt It A Second Time?

I get asked this question a lot when I do Facebook Lives in our private facebook group.

And I always answer it the same exact way,

Each time you have to “restart” the no contact rule it loses a bit of effectiveness.

Think of it this way,

This graph is probably the best representation of what failing the no contact rule looks like.

Notice how the very first time you attempt the no contact rule you are going to get what I call “maximum effectiveness.” In other words, the no contact rule is going to work best on your ex the first time you try it.

But let’s say you fail at staying consistent throughout your whole time frame.

What then?

Well, the second time you try the no contact rule it’s going to still be effective but not quite as effective as the very first time you tried it.

It loses a little bit of the magic that made it so powerful the first time around.

But why?

Well, quite frankly human beings are wired to notice patterns.

One can certainly make the argument that our whole lives are patterns.

Your ex isn’t dumb and they will eventually catch on to the fact that every once in a while you seem to be flat out ignoring them.

The most naive statement I’ve ever heard in my time here on EBR is that it’s ok to fail the no contact rule.

I’d argue very heavily against that because of the fact that you are “watering down” arguably the best strategy for getting your ex back.

Take a look at the graphic I created above.

In this particular case you have a person who has failed the no contact rule 3 times.

Look how ineffective the no contact rule can become by that fourth time they attempt it.

It’s lost almost half of it’s effectiveness.

So, the question now shifts to how you can stay in the no contact rule.

My Best Tip On Staying Strong During The No Contact Rule

I’m not going to sit here and give you what you are expecting me to give you.

Most people expect for me to make a list of tips to “keep them strong.”

Truthfully, making a list and journaling to keep your thoughts focus don’t work for staying strong during the no contact rule.

Shocking, right?

In fact, in all the years I’ve been doing this I’ve only seen one thing make an impact on “staying in no contact.”

  1. Finding a way to hold yourself accountable

In case you didn’t know, whenever you coach with me or one of the Ex Recovery Coaches you’ll gain access to all of our products including our private Facebook support group.

Now, I know that doesn’t seem like a big deal but it is.

You see, on our Facebook Group we institute something called,

“Battle Buddies.”

For any who want it.

Essentially we partner you up with someone else who is going through a breakup and allow you to support each other through each of your situations.

It’s especially great at keeping you strong during the no contact rule.

Why?

Because any time you have a desire to contact your ex you’ll end up contacting your battle buddy instead and they can keep you strong.

58 thoughts on “What To Do If You Fail Your No Contact Rule (Will It Work A Second Time?)”

  1. Avatar

    Rebecca

    November 21, 2019 at 9:48 pm

    My partner and I lived together for 2 years. I have since almost entirely moved out. We had this break until he reached out agreement to see if we could try this again or just be friends. We went 4 days before I broke NC and told him I wouldnt wait indefinitely and would only wait till shortly After New Years. He knows i’.waiting which I know was an mistake. What should I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 24, 2019 at 12:09 am

      Hey Rebecca, so because you told him you are willing to wait you have basically bought him time to do what he wants. You need to go with your friends and live your life, showing on social media that you are out with friends, it would be beneficial if you had male and female friends around you so he can worry about the possiblity of you moving on. You need to complete a full 30 day No contact during this time too where you do not reach out to him and you do not reply to anything he may send you. Read about how to become Ungettable and make sure you are doing the work that is needed to follow the process to get him back

  2. Avatar

    Kayla

    November 18, 2019 at 11:30 pm

    Hi, my boyfriend broke up with me a little over a month ago. We were together for a year and he used to be obsessed with me. He is going through a hard time with depression right now and working on himself and that’s why he ended things. But when we were saying goodbye he said “I don’t think this is the end for us” I applied no contact for a month then when I was drunk I saw him at a restaurant sitting by himself. Later that night I went out with friends and I texted him saying “not to be annoying but I saw u at the restaurant are you okay” wnd he replied “yeah I’m alright” did I screw up no contact? Is there anything else I can do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 23, 2019 at 1:26 pm

      Hi Kayla so if you havent completed a full 30 days No Contact then yes you did mess it up, also this is not the ideal reach out for the first time either. You need to read some more materials that Chris has posted to the website on how to navigate yourself through this, to give yourself your best chance follow the program properly and read through as much of the information that applies to you

  3. Avatar

    Saachi

    November 5, 2019 at 10:17 pm

    Hello! I was in a loving relationship for one year with my ex and when I went out for my holidays in my home country for a bit long period of time, he broke up with me on text. I didn’t beg or something I started no contact rule but failed it as my ex tried to contact me after one week of no contact rule. I am very confused please help me out what should I do? Thankyou

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 9, 2019 at 1:50 am

      Hi Sacchi so you start No Contact again from day 1

  4. Avatar

    Ema

    November 5, 2019 at 2:57 pm

    Hi
    My I found my ex cheating on me so I left him and then applied the no contact rule at the beginning he tried calling and I ignored him then he just stoped but by the day 28 I found him calling out of no where so I replied her he was guessing waters he tried afterward to set a meeting but I was playing hard to get maybe I played more he stoped now he is trying to annoy me on social media doing stuff like blocking stories but opening his account public weird . I really wanted an apology but he just seems to be so arrogant to give me one

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 9, 2019 at 1:42 am

      Hey Ema, so the fact he cheated and is now acting out to get your attention – even though its in a negative way, You need to rise above it and complete a full 30 days where you do not speak with him, or react to the social media actions. You need to post to your social media how happy you are, how youre living your life and you are doing great. Then when you have done your 30 days you can reach out and build up a connection with him again. But as he cheated you need to consider if you can trust him again

  5. Avatar

    Lucy

    October 16, 2019 at 2:46 am

    My boyfriend of 6 and a half years (high school sweethearts) blindsided me and left me about a month and a half ago. We were talking about marriage and were just beginning to start our lives together when one day, he told me that he wasn’t in love with me anymore and needed time to work on himself.

    It’s probably been the most devastating thing I’ve ever had to deal with. I tried for the first month to keep in contact with him and met with him a few times asking for him back but he just didn’t seem interested. I didn’t even know about the no contact rule or anything like that because this is the first breakup I’ve ever experienced. We were each other’s “first” everything. I’m scared that I’ve lost him forever and this was the man I wanted to marry, my best friend. It’s just really hard to cope with all of this and I really don’t understand why he made the decision he did.

    It’s been a week and a half since I started NC but I basically begged for him back for a month. Have I messed up my chances?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 16, 2019 at 3:17 pm

      Hi Lucy, so you havent ruined your chances but you do need to stick with the NC for a bit and try to find who you are as an adult without him around during that time. I know how hard it is to go through the break up stage but the quicker you start working on making yourself happy again the fast you will be able to cope with the rest of this program. Good luck

  6. Avatar

    Amaar

    October 13, 2019 at 1:03 pm

    Hi
    I dated my boyfriend for one year and we were very happy and everything was always good
    The only fights we had were about religion because his family won’t accept me as i am not a muslim
    We broke up a week ago
    I mean i broke up with him and then tried calling him and then he broke up with me so i guess it was mutual
    I haven’t contacted him in 8 days and he hasn’t contacted me
    I don’t know what is the best thing for me to do is

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 15, 2019 at 8:48 pm

      Amaar, dont contact for a full 30 days and work on yourself in that time so that you can be happy again before reaching out to him

  7. Avatar

    Melissa

    October 7, 2019 at 4:39 pm

    I am deployed to the Middle East and on my 6th month. It has been quite stressful on my two year relationship. When we last got into an argument, he cut me off, ignoring my calls and messages. It’s been five days. I went one day without speaking then sent a bunch of apology messages and even tried to bring up a positive memory on day three, out of despiration, but then after still being ignored I told him I would disengage. Since our contact is through FB messenger, I can see that he hasn’t even read my messages. Its been 5 days for him, 2 for me. Technically we never broke up. I fear the worst and want to reach out, at least for closure/his intentions. How long should I have NC?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 9, 2019 at 10:16 pm

      Hey Melissa, I advise to do around 30 days NC

  8. Avatar

    Raya

    September 30, 2019 at 7:36 am

    Is it breaking no contact if I respond on 27th or 28th day when I wanted to go no contact for 30 days?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 30, 2019 at 11:11 am

      Hi Raya, stick to your 30 days NC and then reach out using a text that you have planned about his interests. if he has messaged you then merge that into conversation if he replies to your hook message

  9. Avatar

    Mahima

    September 25, 2019 at 4:09 pm

    Someone help me.. I just broke the no contact.. I feel bad, because my ex ignored me. All my efforts for staying strong during these days during no contact went in vain.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 26, 2019 at 8:23 pm

      Hi Mahima, its actually really common for people to break the NC just restart and make sure you stick with it, each time you break NC it becomes less effective remember

  10. Avatar

    Tiago

    September 16, 2019 at 6:19 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I’m in a situation that I’m not yet convinced that the No Contact rule would apply the best.

    My best friend and I started dating back in March (this was a big move after 2 years of friendship). We were enjoying the relationship a lot. We have had problems as any other relationship but we were very open to discussing and coming to agreements. We never threatened each other about leaving or anything like that – it always felt very safe.

    This is my first gay relationship and I’m not the most secure person in the world. Lately I’ve been experiencing some family issues that dragged me down and made me even more insecure. I started having this feeling that my boyfriend was cheating on me. One night after a few “weird things” happened (hiding messages on his phone and liking another guy picture on Instagram) I with my insecure mind was sure that he was cheating on me. I get home and download a dating app to see if he is there and he is not. I calm down and suppress this inner voice of mine.

    The thing is, next day he saw the dating app on my phone. I told him the truth but I know it’s hard to believe. Even if he believes he is thinking that I don’t trust him, which is not true. We have met 2 days after the fact and he broke up with me. Today (1 week after the event) via text he told me he has to protect himself and cut off from his life people that hurt him.

    Will the no contact rule apply here? I feel that I should tell him that I wasn’t there for dating other people, it was my insecurities (which I understand now how much I need to work on it). He is in pain because of me and I feel terrible around it.

  11. Avatar

    JUNIIR

    September 8, 2019 at 4:31 pm

    After 30 days of no contact….i reached out to my ex patner with something i thought would trigger her mind but she was too cold….i took another 15 days of no contact and then reached out once again with somethin i thougut would trigger her mind as well as inside jokes but the moment only lasted for seconds before she got back to being cold and distant.
    I then asked for a meet up but the response wasnt something much pleasing.
    I then went back into no contact for yet another 15 days but she didnt even bother trying to reach out or something.
    I felt like i was only chasing my tail so i decided to write a letter expressing my emotions to her….
    When we came to an encounter, i handed it over but to my surprise….she acted sooo excited as if she had been waiting for me to reach out or something… but i had already handed it over and withdrawing it would have seemed embarrasing.
    The next week, she was back to being cold and even went on to block me on social media and i felt the letter had turned her off really bad.
    I made other kind of mistakes in trying to fix the one i had already made.
    I poped up at her door step asking if she was free so we could meet up and talk but she said she was too busy for a meet up.
    I also wrote another letter explaining to her that i was still under emotions when i wrote the first letter as well as asking for a meetup as a friend maybe…i tried to act as much confident in the second letter but she called me sounding so pissed for writing to her and showing up at her door step saying i should understand we are really done and i should grow up.
    I tried explaining to her that i had taken in the breakup, understood it and i was only trying to be a friend and nothing more than that but to her it was nothing as she went on to hang me up.
    WILL THE NO CONTACT STILL WORK IF I RE-DO THE PROCESS AND FOR HOW LONG SHOULD I RE-DO THE PROCEDURE??????

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 9, 2019 at 8:13 pm

      It can work if you redo the no contact rule but remember it will always be less effective each time you have to redo it.

      As for how long you should re-do it. I would start over from the beginning. So, if you did a 30 day rule, then that means you should re-do a 30 day rule.

  12. Avatar

    Sam

    August 30, 2019 at 5:29 pm

    Hi Chris, I am 27( Assistant professor and PhD student) year old guy, I was in a long distance relationship with a girl (MBBS student) who is now 23 since last 3 and half year. we usually meet each other after every 4 to 5 month for 3 to 4 days for love and to see each other. we regularly talk to each other including late night talking. In our relationship we both were very serious for each other. during our conversation she has told me if you want to marry me you have to make a handsome amount of salary to convince my father, as her father was a rich business man. I accept it and start hard working for my PhD and my job (Assistant professor) i have managed both things. Every day without failing after my busy schedule I any how manage to call her. Ya she has one issue with me that when ever i am free i call her or else i little bit ignore her, but i was bounded by my busy schedule. I always told her this what i am doing is for our bright future she generally understands. We both are in a physical relationship. Recently 3 month back she has started to talk to some another guy and than moved on with him, the guy has some political contacts, she finds him more attractive than me. and she broken up with me. You will wonder she was the one who was always telling me that what so every be the condition I will never leave u. and now she is totally changed. This new guy always try to manipulate her emotionally and he has show off issues and I have herd a bad review about his character towards female about him from my friends . Her friends has also try to convince her that this political person is not good for her but she is not ready to listen any thing. please tell what should i do. I have already tried no contact for 15 days but unfortunately due to some work i have to talk to her. I also recently talk to her she has started drinking and smoking alone in room, before this she occasionally drinks with there friends, her behavior with her friends has also changed. I have ask her that to tell me if u find any issue but she dines to tell any thing. Please tell what should I do.??

  13. Avatar

    Karen

    August 13, 2019 at 4:42 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I am being friend zoned and have broken the NC rule. I did this before I found your website and bought your reports!

    BF and I were together for almost 8 years, last two years long distance. He broke up with me after a few months of distancing himself – I asked him repeatedly if something was wrong and he said it was just work related. Break up was 6 weeks ago.

    So he said he wants to be friends and he’s been in touch at least once a week. Called me multiple times after breakup to hear me out on how upset I was.

    I ultimately said I wanted to be friends too. I never, ever text or call him but I have taken his calls and we talk like we are just friends. I even had dinner with him and it was like we were just good friends.

    So I’m friend zoning him too, or at least completely acting like I am.

    Is there anything I can do at this point?

    Thank you,
    Karen

  14. Avatar

    Jean

    June 12, 2019 at 1:52 pm

    I need some coaching. Me and my ex has been in a relationship and lived in the same roof for 6 and half years. He broke up with me and went to rent a place to where his co workers are staying at. It was already too late since I read this no contact rule since i had been bombarding him with text and call for 2 weeks since we broke up. I started the no contact rule for 8 days but he sent me a message he needed to come home to get some clothes. After that I started with the no contact again but on the 7th day my sister texted him about the bills so I had to text him back not to worry about it and I will take care of it. 2 days after, I needed to call him about the tv cable service since his name was written as the owner of the service.

    Now I’m worried because on July, I’m planning to move to another unit condo, and we have to settle the things here.

    Will the no contact rule wears down and became not effective? I’ve been really wanted for him to come back and realise that we could still work out our relationship.

    Please help me.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      June 12, 2019 at 6:52 pm

      Hi Jean…. you may want to check out our Coaching Services on the website. I think Anna, lead Senior Coach, would be excellent.

  15. Avatar

    Julia

    May 25, 2019 at 4:20 pm

    I dont even know where to start but I need help. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 5 years. I moved to another city and moved him here as well to restart our lives together. He got himself together and now it seems as though since he got himself together now he wants to experience this city being single. Last week I left him because I felt that things weren’t right with us. It seemed like we were together just because he didnt want to tell me to leave. When I grabbed all my things to go, he didnt stop me. The next day I came back begging and pleading only for him to tell me that he is done with me and slammed the door in my face. I came to his job to talk only for him to tell me to leave. I sent him several text messages that he never responded to. He made it clear that he doesnt want anything to do with me and he wants me out of his life forever. I’m just left with hurt. What will it take for him to love me again like I love him?.. All he did was accuse me of lying and cheating and I never did any of that but he is strong in his accusations. Anytime I try to prove anything else to him otherwise, he says I’m lying when i know I’m not. He is the only person i have now, i have lost everything i have trying to hold on to him. What do i do?

  16. Avatar

    Kee

    May 20, 2019 at 9:40 pm

    Hi,
    Me and my ex boyfriend broke up a week ago and I still want to be with him. His uncle died at the same time so he hasn’t wanted to talk to me which is understandable. We have had many arguments and nearly broke up. He said his looked at things differently now since losing his Uncle, he said he doesn’t think I’m going to change (I was very needy and suffocating) and that he doesn’t want to be with me or give it another try. It’s took me actually losing him and being blocked off social media to realise that I want to change, he said it’s too late for him and that I should change for someone else. I started off no contact and I broke it today, I told him I want to change and show him. He said he doesn’t want to and that our relationship is over. Do you think I should attempt no contact again? I feel like I’ve completely lost him.

  17. Avatar

    Rosie

    May 1, 2019 at 10:27 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I would like some advice really. My relationship has just ended after 6 years and I have already done no contact once, we starting talking two weeks in and met up the week after, I am feeling I came on too strong again however he has major life changes to focus on at the minute. He seems to be given loads of mixed signals…. I’m so confused. He messaged about 2 weeks ago but I ignored him and haven’t messaged him since, i feel awful for doing it. He seems to be doing different things every 2 weeks which makes me think I’m still on his mind. Do you think no contact will work again and for how long?

  18. Avatar

    JoJo

    April 15, 2019 at 12:14 pm

    Hey Chris ,
    So I had been doing no contact for a week when my ex contacted me and asked me how I was and I said I was good and asked him how he was. He said he wasn’t good at all and I asked him what’s wrong. He said it doesn’t matter and I should leave it. Then he completely changed the topic and tried to keep the conversation light and breezy. After that, I insisted on asking what was wrong and he wouldn’t tell me. So I gave up and started talking about what he wanted to. He read my messages but hasn’t replied. Ik I broke the no contact rule. I started it again and its been 11 days. I am not sure it’s working at all. Did I just lose him forever? Will he ever talk to me again?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 15, 2019 at 2:24 pm

      Hi JoJo…so I think you are on the right course with No Contact. Just tap into my Program so you are up to speed on how to implement it fully and correctly.

  19. Avatar

    Laura

    April 13, 2019 at 10:16 am

    Hi Chris my boyfriend broke up with me, he said that his anxiety was too much and that he couldn’t be in a relationship feeling like that, I tried the no contact rule but after a few days cracked and text him to see if he was ok, I text him 3 times in the week, I was wondering if I start the no contact rule now will we still have a chance of getting back togeather

  20. Avatar

    Annie

    April 4, 2019 at 11:56 pm

    Hi Chris
    We broke up 1.5 weeks ago after I discovered he had lied repeatedly about something which he knew would totally destroy my trust. He tried to make amends but he has a history with this and I had had enough. He then turned around and did the whole ‘You can’t fire me, I quit!’ thing, so as far as who broke up with whom, it’s a bit mixed up. But he wanted to keep our friendship, i.e. he wanted all the benefits of my support, my company etc but didn’t want to feel guilty about doing bad ‘relationshippy’ things. I don’t want that as it’d just end up messy (we had a very close friendship and he always says I am the most important thing in his life).
    We talked for a few days but I told him we couldn’t stay friends as he’d destroyed that foundation. But he kept texting me. Romantic poems, updates about his life with nothing to address what had happened, wanting to chat, all over several days. I didn’t respond to anything. Then he sent something which seemed like he was trying to diminish what he’d done. Later he texted asking if I was ok, maybe I wasn’t coping… I didn’t want him thinking I wasn’t responding because I was too sad to talk. In the past, I’ve always said a lot, so I think this approach really threw him and I think that he sent it with the aim of making me bite.
    So, I stupidly bit and replied that I am fine and then my typical need to express myself came out and I said I didn’t want to hear excuses for his lies, I’d had enough. So, I broke NC and said too much which I think was playing right into his hands. He didn’t respond but I think he will be in touch again. I feel like I’ve undone things and I don’t know what to do next. I love him and am not sure about getting back together but I do want him to acknowledge what he’s done to our friendship and how much he’s lost – maybe that’s being selfish and not the right aim of NC but it would help me whether it was in us getting back together or in me moving on from him. Do you think NC will be ok to continue with now or have I ruined it?

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