The no contact rule is among one of the most important strategies that you will need to employ if you want to have success getting your ex back.
It’s also among the most difficult strategies to complete.
According to my own internal research I estimate that about 80% of men and women who attempt the no contact rule will end up failing it.
Therefore, you’ll have a lot of individuals who attempt the no contact rule a second time around.
But will it work?
Can it still be as effective?
Well, that’s what we are here to find out.
Failing A No Contact Rule And Trying It A Second Time
Having me sit here and write an article about what to do if you fail the no contact rule is counter productive.
The answer is simple,
You try again and do your best not to mess up
The more interesting question has to do with if the no contact rule will still work the second time around.
There’s a lot of debate out there with this and I thought you’d be interested to hear an actual experts take.
So, here’s everything we are going to be talking about in this article,
- What The No Contact Rule Is
- What Failing It Looks Like
- If It Is Still Effective If You Have To Do It A Second Time
- Some Tips On How To Not Fail It The Second Time Around
What Is The No Contact Rule?
In case you’re new I thought this would be a good section to include.
If you’re already an EBR veteran than you can probably just skip this and move on to the next section.
What is the no contact rule?
Well, quite simply it’s a period of time where you ignore your ex on purpose.
For those of us who are visual learners,
We’ve found success with three different time frames,
- The 21 Day Rule
- The 30 Day Rule
- The 45 Day Rule
If you want the full low down of which “time frame” you should be employing for your situation I highly recommend you pick up the no contact rule book that I wrote.
The only rule with the no contact rule is that you can’t break it.
(There are actually a few circumstances where you have to alter this but for the most part you can’t.)
So, that means that if your ex asks you something like,
You can’t respond.
If they call you and leave a voice mail.
You can’t respond.
If they threaten to “never talk to you again” if you don’t respond.
You can’t respond.
That is the no contact rule in a nutshell.
Here’s What “Failing” The No Contact Rule Looks Like
At the beginning of this article I made a pretty bold statement.
Do you remember what that statement was?
I estimate that around 80% of individuals who attempt the no contact rule will end up failing it at least one time.
Now, what do I mean by that?
Simply put, they will break that one rule of not responding to their ex.
Here’s how it usually goes down.
You get really excited to try the no contact rule out on your ex. You come to our website, read our stuff. Heck, maybe you even buy my best selling book and read about it there.
The point is that you are sold on it.
Things seem to be going pretty well until fear starts to grip you.
What if my ex forget about me while I’m ignoring them?
This fear only becomes compounded more by the fact that contrary to what you thought would happen your ex hasn’t made an attempt to reach out to you at all.
In fact, by the time they do reach out you have worked yourself up so much that you just throw caution to the wind and decide to respond to them.
I’ve seen about a dozen variations of this exact situation over the last six and a half years and it never ceases to amaze me the internal dialogue going on in my clients head that prevents them from completing the no contact rule.
Now I know, from afar the no contact rule seems like an easy thing to complete.
You’re sitting there thinking,
Wait, all I have to do is ignore my ex for 30 days? That’s it?
But this is a naive statement to make.
Completing the no contact rule is extremely difficult because the odds aren’t in your favor. In fact, according to my research there is only a 20% chance that you’ll be perfect you’re first time around.
Now, this leads us to the inevitable question of,
What happens when you fail the no contact rule and have to attempt it a second time? Will it still work?
Let’s find out!
Can The No Contact Rule Work If You Have To Attempt It A Second Time?
I get asked this question a lot when I do Facebook Lives in our private facebook group.
And I always answer it the same exact way,
Each time you have to “restart” the no contact rule it loses a bit of effectiveness.
Think of it this way,
This graph is probably the best representation of what failing the no contact rule looks like.
Notice how the very first time you attempt the no contact rule you are going to get what I call “maximum effectiveness.” In other words, the no contact rule is going to work best on your ex the first time you try it.
But let’s say you fail at staying consistent throughout your whole time frame.
Well, the second time you try the no contact rule it’s going to still be effective but not quite as effective as the very first time you tried it.
It loses a little bit of the magic that made it so powerful the first time around.
Well, quite frankly human beings are wired to notice patterns.
One can certainly make the argument that our whole lives are patterns.
Your ex isn’t dumb and they will eventually catch on to the fact that every once in a while you seem to be flat out ignoring them.
The most naive statement I’ve ever heard in my time here on EBR is that it’s ok to fail the no contact rule.
I’d argue very heavily against that because of the fact that you are “watering down” arguably the best strategy for getting your ex back.
Take a look at the graphic I created above.
In this particular case you have a person who has failed the no contact rule 3 times.
Look how ineffective the no contact rule can become by that fourth time they attempt it.
It’s lost almost half of it’s effectiveness.
So, the question now shifts to how you can stay in the no contact rule.
My Best Tip On Staying Strong During The No Contact Rule
I’m not going to sit here and give you what you are expecting me to give you.
Most people expect for me to make a list of tips to “keep them strong.”
Truthfully, making a list and journaling to keep your thoughts focus don’t work for staying strong during the no contact rule.
In fact, in all the years I’ve been doing this I’ve only seen one thing make an impact on “staying in no contact.”
- Finding a way to hold yourself accountable
In case you didn’t know, whenever you coach with me or one of the Ex Recovery Coaches you’ll gain access to all of our products including our private Facebook support group.
Now, I know that doesn’t seem like a big deal but it is.
You see, on our Facebook Group we institute something called,
For any who want it.
Essentially we partner you up with someone else who is going through a breakup and allow you to support each other through each of your situations.
It’s especially great at keeping you strong during the no contact rule.
Because any time you have a desire to contact your ex you’ll end up contacting your battle buddy instead and they can keep you strong.