Most of my readers will know that I am a big believer that to win your ex-boyfriend back you should always start with a solid period of no-contact. I recommend this to help you get your head straight, work on yourself and give your ex-boyfriend some time to get over any negative feelings they may have towards you and start to miss you.
But you can’t stay in no-contact forever, so what do you do afterwards?
Well…. It seems obvious but it is time to reach out and initiate contact!
You start with texting your ex-boyfriend and go from there…. And that is what this article is going to talk about.
We are going to discuss: –
- The First Contact Text Message
- Zeigarnik Effect
- Positive, Neutral, Negative responses and No Replies
- Next steps
If you are reading this because you are coming to the end of your no-contact period, congratulations!!!… no contact is difficult, so well done for getting this far!
The next stage of winning your ex back is the texting phase.
During your no contact period the focus is on self-improvement, becoming the Ungettable Girl, posting to social media and not texting your ex or stalking your ex-boyfriend’s social media.
Now that you are entering the texting phase the approach is going to change and we are going to start introducing some new elements into the plan to get your ex-boyfriend back.
What can you see from this picture?
That all your self-improvement to become the Ungettable Girl is central to all your efforts in winning your ex back. All your texting activities will be positively influenced by the new improved you.
Once you are in the texting phase you will continue to post amazing pictures to social media but then also start to introduce texts, followed by phone calls and lastly you are going to start going on dates with your ex-boyfriend.
The phone calls and dates should be scheduled later in the texting phase, this is because you will need to gradually build-up some rapport with your ex and we will take about that more later.
Regardless of the reason you broke up with your ex-boyfriend the first thing you will need to do after your no-contact period is send a First Contact text message.
Sending You First Text Message
Some of you may have already planned out your texting schedule, if not don’t worry it is not an essential part of the plan to win your ex back but it will make the texting process easier if you have.
Your “First Contact” text message should be something non-threatening and low pressure that will make your ex-boyfriend want to reply. It should be something that is:-
When you send your first message to your ex-boyfriend, I want you to do something totally counter-intuitive and avoid…..
- Mentioning the breakup
- Saying you miss him
- Saying you want to get back together.
It is a good idea to focus your first contact text message around his hobbies and interests. The sort of topics you could use include talking about his favorite sports team, TV shows he likes, things about his pet or even his favorite local bar.
There are two types of First Contact text messages.
- The Million Dollars Technique
- The Curiosity Technique
The Million Dollars Technique
I call this the Million Dollars technique because everyone wants to hear that they have won a Million Dollars!
What this text does is share information that your ex would be super excited to hear about. This type of text is suited to breakups that happened on relatively good terms.
Here are some examples of what your first contact text message might look like:-
You see what is great about this text is that it shows your ex-boyfriend that you are in a good mood and it is safe to talk to you.
You are also starting a conversation with your ex that he is going to find both interesting and easy to reply to because it doesn’t require too much thinking.
Finally adding a funny picture brings the text message to life and makes it seem more fun. Generally speaking texts that include funny pictures get better responses than those without.
Just remember that you should not be sending pictures of yourself to your ex when you first make contact as this will seem too forward.
The Curiosity Text
I really like this type of text message because it really grabs the attention, it utilizes something called the Zeigarnik Effect to get your ex to reply! This type of text is perfect if you think your ex is really unlikely to reply to you.
The Zeigarnik Effect is the cliff-hanger technique they use in TV shows to pique you interest and get you coming back next week to watch the show.
You are watching television and the main character is in a car chase and suddenly he drives off a cliff….
You know what happens next!
The show ends with “TO BE CONTINUED” and you have to wait until next week to see if he has survived.
You can use this effect in your First Contact Text message by dangling a carrot of information in-front of your ex-boyfriend and then make him wait to find out what the information is.
Here is an actual example of a genuine curiosity text that was donated to me from one of the girls on the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery support group: –
What I really like about this text is that it subtly tells your ex that you are improving yourself by working out and thus going to be even hotter than when he broke up with you. When he hears this, he is going to start stalking your social media IMMEDIATELY, so make sure you have some great pictures up that he can see.
The other thing I love about this text message is that it is fun and unusual…… How often do you actually see a dog in your gym?
It really is something an ex-boyfriend would never be able to guess!
What helps this type of text works even better if you can keep your ex-boyfriend in suspense you before you give him the answer about what you saw…. Ideally make him wait 30-45 mins when he asks what the information is, that is how you create a cliff hanger!
There are other ways you can use the Zeigarnik effect to create a cliff-hanger through your social media too.
You might post something like this on Facebook:-
The first thing your ex-boyfriend is going to do when he sees this is wonder what the big announcement will be…..
Does she have a new job?
Has she bought a house?
Did she get engaged?
But the best part is he won’t have any real idea what your announcement is, so it will drive him crazy wondering endlessly.
To keep your cliff hanger going you would leave that post up for a couple of days before texting him something like this:-
I really love this approach because your ex is going to be in suspense for a couple of days, regularly checking your social media to figure out what it could be.
The other thing I like is that it has the potential to give you some feedback as to whether he is actually checking your Facebook and having this kind of data is really helpful when trying to get your ex back!
There are important factors you need to bear in mind when having your first text conversation and that is always end the conversation on a high point.
I want you to wait until the conversation gets really interesting for him and then immediately end it by either ghosting or saying you are off out with friends. When you end on a high point you are going to leave him wanting more, and this will encourage him to start texting you.
In other words, it gets him to start chasing you!
Ex Boyfriend Response Types
When you send your First Contact Text Message to your ex-boyfriend he is going to respond to you in one of four ways.
- Positive response
- Negative response
- Neutral response
- No reply
If your ex responds positively he might say something back like: –
- “Haha that is great!”
- “Thanks for the heads up! It’s good to hear from you!”
If you get a positive response I want you to wait 3 days from your first contact text message before you start another text conversation.
Why?….. to make him wonder if you will text again, to show you aren’t a text GNAT and finally to give him sometime to initiate a conversation if he wants to.
A GNAT is a person who Goes Nuts At Texting! It is someone who texts your phone so often it starts to explode….. this is a huge turnoff for men and will only reinforce in his mind that the breakup was the right decision.
Once a few days have passed and your ex has not reached out to you after you have your first conversation, that’s not a problem. It doesn’t matter who starts the conversation, it only matters who ends it….
You need to be the person who ends the conversations as this will give the power and allow you to take back control from him after the breakup and make him chase you.
The neutral response is something that generally tends to happen when your ex-boyfriend is curious enough to reply to your text but isn’t excited enough to generate a positive reply or he is nervous about why you are suddenly texting after a month of no-contact.
Here is an example of what a neutral response might look like:-
As you can see the neutral response isn’t necessarily bad, it just isn’t going to blow you away when you read it.
When you get a neutral reply, it is going to be pretty tempting to chase after him and try and push the conversation further.
DO NOT TEXT HIM BACK!
Remember what I said earlier?…. It matters who ends the conversation.
If you get a neutral response, that is a big signal that the conversation needs to end. If you try to push the conversation further he will end the conversation and you will lose the power.
When you get a neutral response to your first contact text message you should wait 5 or 6 days before texting him again with the other first contact text massage format.
What I recommend is that if you get a neutral response from your ex take some time to review the message you sent and ask yourself
“Was this exciting or interesting enough? Would I want to reply to this?”
I am a big fan of reviewing the data you are getting from your ex, so it’s a great idea to keep a log about what you are learning from your ex’s responses.
This kind of text is never pleasant for you to receive but it doesn’t mean things are totally doomed forever! When your ex-boyfriend sends you a negative response it usually means that he is not ready to talk and needs a little while longer to get over the pain of the breakup before he starts to miss you.
Here are examples of Negative responses:-
- “I hate what you did to us”
- “Leave me alone!”
- “It is over!”
- “I’m seeing someone”
If your ex responds negatively towards your first contact text message reply and say this before going back into a mini co-contact period.
“I understand you are upset, I will leave you in peace, hope you are doing well”
If you get a negative response from your ex I suggest you wait between 2-4 weeks before trying to text your ex-boyfriend again. If your ex is angry for no reason or says he is seeing someone new then I think it is safe to wait 2 weeks.
The best approach to take if your ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend is to use the “Being There Method” which I cover in more detail in Ex-Boyfriend Recovery PRO.
If your ex is angry because your breakup was caused by major life issues like alcoholism then wait 3 weeks. If this is the case think about whether you need to make a one off apology for your behavior.
If your ex is angry because you cheated I would definitely wait 4 weeks before trying to re-contact your ex-boyfriend, again a one off apology is probably a good idea here before returning to no contact.
Sometimes a few days after you get a negative response from your ex, he will text you again with an apology. If this happens it is a good indicator that your ex-boyfriend has calmed down enough to have a conversation and you should reply calmly.
The last thing I will say about negative responses is that if you are greeted with an angry response from your ex, do not to chase after him and do not become a GNAT.
Now this one is probably the hardest one to deal with.
Imagine the situation…..
You have been missing your ex-boyfriend for a month whilst you painfully wait out no contact.
You’ve been working so hard on improving yourself and you are excited to show off the new you.
You spend all day wondering what to text, you finally craft the perfect text message and press send……………..
Minutes later you see the notification that it has been read but you get no reply from your ex….
You check your phone every five minutes, but still nothing comes….
That’s got to be pretty heart-breaking, right?
You can imagine how that panic might set in as you start to wonder why he is ignoring you. For a lot of my readers getting no reply feels much worse than getting a negative reply because it leaves them wondering what is going on.
If your ex-boyfriend doesn’t respond to your first contact text message then you should be patient and wait it out for 7-10 days. Please do not GNAT your ex!
Quite often an ex-boyfriend will read your message and be so surprised you have text that he doesn’t know what to say. He will basically get scared about replying in case he says the wrong thing and so won’t reply until he is ready.
Another reason he might not reply is because of your behavior after the breakup, if you were a major Text Gnat then he might worry that you are about to start bombarding him with texts if he replies. By not replying to your First Contact Text Message, he is testing to see if you are a text gnat, so don’t fail the test!!!
So what happens after you have received a positive reply to your First Contact Text Message? Easy!……..You are going to send more texts!
You see….. one text alone won’t get your ex-boyfriend back.
What is required is a series of texts to build some rapport i.e. get him to start liking you again. When this happens you can escalate and start adding phone calls to your texts to build even more rapport.
Then you can start going on some dates to build on your text and phone calls!
So to round up let’s have a quick recap on what we have covered.
- You need to continue to work on your self-improvement and becoming the Ungettable Girl.
- You should send either Million Dollar or Curiosity technique First Contact text message.
- You should always finish a conversation on a high.
- You should NEVER gnat or chase after him.
- You should refer to the positive, negative, neutral and no response waiting times before initiating further contact with a second text message.
- That your next steps are to send some more texts, escalate to phone calls and then escalate to dates building rapport at every level as you go!