The fear of experiencing all sorts of nightmare outcomes after a breakup or during the No Contact Period plagues many of our reader’s minds.
It is painful to endure the suffering of a breakup. Your boyfriend, who was always the focus of your attention…the guy you looked forward to seeing, talking to, and texting with…now suddenly is no longer in your life.
That can be scary and tough to deal with!
It is nightmarish enough just to deal with this huge change… this hole in your life.
Then you happen upon Chris’ website and start learning about how you can go about getting your ex back. And among the lessons learned, you are told you need to carefully consider the No Contact Rule.
Indeed, I have written a popular book you should pick up called, “The No Contact Rule Book”!
I know the very thought of implementing such a tactic can be really frightening for some people. It seems to run against the grain of what you have been doing in the past.
I should know, because I read and answer so many of the comments that you leave on the website. Oh, I almost forgot to introduce myself,
Hi! I am Amor and I am part of Chris’ Ex Boyfriend Recovery Team. I love what I do. It is my privilege to work with and help women and men throughout the world with their breakups.
So I guess if Chris is the Ex Recovery “Whisperer”, then that makes me the Ex Recovery “Listener”! I have listened to many readers stories. I know and understand your fears and insecurities. I feel like I live inside your broken hearts.
One of the biggest fears readers have is that their ex boyfriend may never give them another chance if they were to do the no contact rule. Heck, I know many of you are concerned that the No Contact Rule may not even work for you. I talk with women everyday who struggle to complete their No Contact Period.
Take these commenters as an example,
It is tough out there in the break up world!
But my job is to help you with easing the fears and anxieties. I hope I can help you gain some perspective. You should not have to constantly fret over your ex boyfriend recovery plan going sour.
So let’s start first with the language we are using when we talk about this stuff!. Let’s stop talking about nightmare scenarios. Let’s get more realistic and centered!
Sure, it is challenging in many ways when you start your No Contact Period. And we are not going to avoid discussing some of these problems. It is good to know what kind of thoughts might later be racing through your mind.
But we are not going to just focus on problems. Much of this post will also focus on solutions. I like shining some positive light into your life! So, instead of talking about nightmares, let’s use the language of a “Mantra”!
Do you know what that is?
Definition of Mantra: It’s a group of words in Sanskrit believed by practitioners to have psychological and spiritual powers.
Better yet, let’s refer to it as the Moonstruck Mantra.
Sometimes we all get struck down by certain thoughts and notions that are simply not true or are exaggerated. These ideas that get lodged into our minds can have negative psychological and spiritual consequences on our attitudes and behaviors.
So do you, at times, suffer from a “Moonstruck Mantra” around this whole topic of getting your ex boyfriend back?
Does the very thought of entering into a No Contact Period with your ex boyfriend shake you at your very core?
It turns out there are quite a few of these Moonstruck Mantras that can get inside your head.
Let’s explore some of the notions we get that are linked to implementing the No Contact Rule.
You Will Lose Any Chance You Have With Your Ex If You Do The No Contact Rule
This one is a pretty common concern.
But ask yourself, “didn’t you already lose him when he broke up with you?”
Now, I am not saying you can’t ever get him back. But really, what do you have to lose going forward. Think about what you have to gain.
Now, we sometimes have this little voice that speaks in our minds. It can too frequently remind us of all the negative possibilities. For example, you might be thinking:
“But wouldn’t doing no contact give him more freedom to stay away from me and forget me?”
The fact that he broke up with you, probably means he doesn’t want you to give him attention anymore. Or maybe, you broke up with him for all the right reasons. Perhaps he needs time and his so called “freedom” to sort things.
On one hand, he probably expects you to beg him or offer an alternative solution. But you will discover that as time passes, his attitude and thoughts around the “whole breakup situation” is likely to evolve. But you need to create some distance.
Our research shows he is more likely to miss you, than to just forget you forever. This is particularly true if the two of you were getting along for a good part of the relationship. Those memories don’t just disappear or waste away in a matter of weeks or months.
He likely was not thinking that you would move on so easily. He was probably expecting to hear from you. Maybe his ego was anticipating some begging or excuses….anything. But silence. No, that is not what he was expecting.
That’s why you need to do no contact. Leverage the remaining feelings he has for you by making him see you in a different light. If he’s tired of being with you, then doing no contact is your way of respecting his decision.
But it can also be your way of influencing the way he thinks about you. He may discover what he actually was experiencing before when he said he was “tired of you,” was just the normal up and down of relationship. Those who are immature or have little experience with relationships can sometimes act impulsively. Give him a chance to reflect on things.
So let’s dive a little deeper into this topic. What are some of the more common examples of how a Moonstruck Girl can get sideways with her emotions?
Let’s probe into what she is thinking.
Moonstruck Girl 1:
“I’m afraid to do the No Contact Rule. What if I lose him because of it? What if he decides to never talk to me because I’m implementing the no contact rule?”
Moonstruck Girl 2:
“I’m already losing him because of everything that I’ve done, but I don’t get why ignoring him would help? Wouldn’t that let him get away faster or become angrier with me. Will he just give up on me because he feels I gave up on him?”
Moonstruck Girl 3:
“He already said he’s not ever coming back. So wouldn’t using the No Contact Rule just give him the idea that I’m fine with that and then he’s free . I am afraid that I will lose him, instead of trying to get with him to discuss the solutions on how we can improve our relationship?”
Moonstruck Girl 4
“He will think that I gave up and decided to move on to another guy.”
Moonstruck Girl 5
“What if he moves on to another girl during the No Contact Period?”
Yep, that is a lot to take in. Our minds can race away in all kinds of directions when we start thinking about our boyfriends. So let’s try to put things into perspective and give you insights into what is more likely to happen and why you should stay the course.
Why Your Worst Fear of Being Lost to Him Forever Probably Won’t Ever Happen
More often than not, implementing the No contact Rule usually makes your guy want to talk to you more.
As Chris discussed in the How to make him miss you after a break up article, a study that was performed back in 2005 by Helen Fisher showed us that there are some fascinating things going on in the brain of both men and women when they experience a breakup.
When we want something really bad and feel hooked to it…much like a drug addict…we can find ourselves literally experiencing states of emotional and physical withdrawal symptoms. Such is our predicament when we are pulled away from our boyfriend.
Once there is separation, there is a certain part of the brain that just takes on this bad news and it cannot handle it very well. Your brain is looking for those feel good chemicals that it naturally releases when you are together in a loving and intimate relationship and when it cannot be found in the right quantities after the breakup, you end up paying dearly.
But so does your ex boyfriend. Remember, this is not a one way street irrespective of how he is acting or saying or behaving.
So when you choose to implement No Contact, you’re like putting him in an enhanced withdrawal state. Even if he’s the one who broke up with you, he will hurt because it doesn’t erase the fact that he’s still use to you being around. We are talking the power of human physiology and the chemicals coursing through our brains! I bet you never thought of your ex has a science experiment!
What You Should Do To Overcome Your Fears of Losing Him
The recipe is pretty simple, but I admit it can be hard to implement consistently. So what should you do?
First, stop thinking like that!
If you think in these terms and form images about the crazy scenarios you conjure up, then you are prone to think this way….again and again. And worst, this kind of thinking can cause you to act out on what you are thinking. If you persist with the negative focus, it can result in a self fulfilling prophecy. And that gets you nowhere fast!
Secondly, focus on being really, really productive during your no contact period. I mean get engaged in lots of things…different things. Consider including activities or things he loves (so long as you enjoy as well). This can help you in many ways. You can post some images of you participating and being involved in these activities on your Facebook account.
We want him to notice. It could lead later to something the two of you talk about.
Moonstruck Girl #1: But What If Your Ex Boyfriend Doesn’t Want to Talk After No Contact?
First, ask yourself….is it really because of the No Contact Period or is it that he needs more time. And by the way, before I expand on this topic, let me remind you that the success of No Contact is not solely predicated on him reaching out to your first.
The method Chris teaches deals with you initiating contact. Also, just perhaps it is a good thing that he does not want to talk with you. Just maybe he is not the right guy for you or maybe he needs a lot more time to figure things out.
Ok….sorry! I digressed a bit. Let’s get back to some of the things that can complicate the No Contact Principle.
It could be due to the possibility that the break up was a really bad one. He may still be angry with you or terribly hurt. Maybe someone has his “ear” and is whispering a lot of negativity to him about you.
Perhaps during the No Contact Period, you did not do enough things to subtly re-build attraction. There are many ways you can do this which Chris discusses in his ebook, “The No Contact Rulebook”!
Those are probably the most common reasons why your ex-boyfriend is still not talking to you after the no contact period….which by the way usually ranges 21-30 days.
If he said he’s never going to talk to you before No Contact, that’s probably a manipulative move or he said it out of emotion because he can see you’re serious about wanting to have space. And that’s a good sign.
That means he doesn’t want to lose you. And the more that chemical cocktail in his brain starts churning with all the wrong hormones, that favors you. Yep, you will be hurting too. But it empowers you to know why and to know that he is missing you as much or more.
Now, if he says he “wants nothing to do with you” after the No Contact Period is over, don’t be in such a hurry to believe him or hang on every word. Remember Chris’ teachings. It is not what people say that matters. Rather it is measuring their behavior over time that informs you more.
If he pushes back at you in a negative way, it is probably either because he’s still angry over the reasons he broke up with you or he’s getting revenge from being ignored. Chalk one up for immaturity. It is one of the leading causes of bad reactions from an ex.
What You Should You Do If Your Ex Pushes Back After You Reach Out
If your ex boyfriend pushes back in a ugly way or even just in a neutral way, just meet his resistance with kindness and brevity! Apologize, but do so only one time and keep it heartfelt and brief. Sometimes, less is more!
You Can Say (or text):
This kind of response allows your ex boyfriend to think about his actions. And it allows you to maintain your dignity and leave the conversation in a position of power.
And if he replies in an ugly matter, don’t reply. You already said your piece. There will always be more options to reach out to your ex in the future if you choose to explore them.
Moonstruck Girl 2: He Moves on Because He thinks You Have Moved On
This whole notion of people moving on is short sighted. There are a lot of things under the surface that tugs at us to keep us connected with our Ex after a break up. We have talked about it a bit already. You remember… the chemistry of our brain and all of the precious memories that are shared between you and your ex.
Utilizing No Contact seldom leads to your guy moving on faster. He may think a lot of things, including that you have possibly moved on. But it won’t be hard for him to figure out the truth on that score. A quick look at your Facebook page or a reach out to one of your friends, will relieve him of any concerns about you moving on.
So while he may feel relieved that you are potentially still available, don’t be surprised if you end up annoying him because of your chose to observe the No Contact Rule. He is probably going to be secretly hoping you will make an effort to get him back. When you don’t he may feel pushed away.
But such is the post break up environment. Emotions can get messy and feelings can get confused. What often happens is that once he learns you are not out there chasing other guys, his little hopes will grow to be larger hopes and that is what you want to happen.
What You Should Do to Keep the Spark Alive
So you don’t want him thinking you have moved on and that his name is “dead” to you forever. So what can you do to keep that relationship spark alive?
You should do what you fear! Implement the No Contact Rule and drop little hints in social media or with your friends that you are happy and engaged with life. Say nice and lovely things to your friends about him. Make positive references about him in social media like, “my ex is a really great guy and it’s a shame we were not able to work thru things”.
I call this “psyche play”. You are like planting little seeds that hopefully get rooted in your ex boyfriend’s mind. Over time, it plays over and over again. You control the message.
Meanwhile, while you are in No Contact Period, be active in improving yourself and having your own life. Show him you have moved on (but you think of him fondly), but also show him that you’re not going to chase him anymore because you have a full life.
What Should You Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Moves On?
If your guy still avoids you after no contact, that may mean your ex has moved on emotionally. It is not the end of the world. Indeed, sometimes that is the best thing for both of you. He makes a clean break from you and you make a clean break from him.
While that may sound horrible to you, particularly now with the break up still fresh in your mind, a clean break sometimes cleanses the soul. Sometimes your ex boyfriend won’t be able to see the error of his way or learn to forgive you of your mistakes unless there is a clean break.
Never say never, particularly when it comes to relationships. Just because a couple breaks up and don’t get back together after a month or two months or even a year; does not mean they never will.
Now, I do want to be realistic. As significantly more time goes by after a break up, the odds of the couple rekindling their passion is reduced. But look, I am a “glass is half full” kind of girl!
So don’t throw away all your hopes. If after all this time you still think your ex boyfriend is the “one” for you, then you can revisit. Try to look at things rationally and critically.
Explore whether you used the right approach on delivering the initial text or if your actions during no contact period was in the direction of becoming the unforgettable girl. But whatever you decide, don’t put your life on hold hoping he will come back into your life. Maybe the two of you will be joined together again. Maybe not. That is life! We cannot always see down the road.
Moonstruck Girl 3: Wouldn’t I Just Be Turning Him Free Such That He Never Commits?
In one sense, you are not freeing him up. But in another, you are. Let me explain.
The No Contact Rule facilitates the process of you letting him go. So just turn him free. In doing so, you free yourself up. But don’t forget, by implementing the No Contact Rule, you are showing some personal power. Your are not just giving him what “he thinks he wants” (his freedom), but in actuality you are taking a freedom away from him.
You are now probably thinking,
“What are you talking about Amor? How on earth does letting him go, take away one of his freedoms”?
Well, I am so glad you asked! What your ex boyfriend is losing is you. That’s right, he is losing his freedom to see you…talk to you….touch you….and text you. In the past, he was quite comfortable and accustomed with being in contact with you whenever it pleased him. But now you have set him free, but in the process you have freed yourself up.
By entering into the No Contact Period, you have essentially taken away one of his freedoms to reach out to you. If he does, you won’t be reciprocating. And over time, that will work on his psyche. And as a result, he will want you more. This little tug to regain his freedom will likely start first in his unconscious mind, but soon it will work its way to his conscious thinking.
You see, there is this principle called psychological reactance. When a person perceives that they are losing a freedom….something they are use to having….they will behave in a way to get it back. That which they are told they can’t have, will hold even more attraction to them.
What You Should Do If Your Ex is Non Committal About the Relationship?
If you have made efforts to reconcile, but he is undecided, the No Contact Rule will help to make him see your worth and have second thoughts about totally leaving you.
If he is really undecided, it can help make him see that you’re mature enough to handle the break up and then if you implemented the No Contact Rule immediately, it could help with making him miss you and just maybe he will rethink his decision. Especially if he sees how much fun you’re having and that you are making improvements in your life.
When you finally complete your No Contact Period and reach out to initiate contact as Chris has taught you, you can expect any number of outcomes. One outcome could be a noncommittal statement from your guy like:
“We’re just friends right? You’re doing good right? I just don’t want you to think I’m leading you on. Let’s just hang out”
If he says that, then, don’t panic. The world has not ended and by the time you have completed the No Contact Period, you should have a completely different perspective on things. Remember, Chris wants you to work on becoming the Ungettable Girl!
So let’s take stock of what it might mean if your ex responds this way. The truth is he probably trying to figure things out. This new you could be something he needs to take stock of.
He remembers how things were before. Maybe the break up had more to do with his failings. Maybe you needed to work some things out. In most cases, there is plenty of blame to pass around. Whatever the case, your ex boyfriend will be hesitant to go back to the way things were when you were both together in the past. So take things slow. Don’t be in a rush. Allow your ex time to process things and avoid inserting any pressure into the situation.
What You Should Do Going Forward!
Well, just like I laid out, agree with him girl!
He probably won’t expect that.
Make his case for him.
In a weird sort of way, that helps build attraction. Remember, guys often want that which they don’t have. Think of this process as a restart of a possible new future, not a continuation of your previous relationship.
The goal is just to start as friends and then slowly build the rapport and attraction through texts, and then calls, and then the dates until the feelings accumulate in him and he sees that you’re now a different girl and he is a different guy in some respects.
Moonstruck Girl 4: You Fear That He Will Think You Moved on To Another Guy
Now, I am not advocating you or anyone else try to convince your ex boyfriend that you found another guy. But if your ex is the real jealous or insecure type and you suspect or hear that he thinks you are with another guy, then let that notion of his simmer for awhile. In time you can do something to help correct that false perception.
But don’t be too quick to ease his worries.
There are all kinds of reasons why a guy can think like this. If you initiated the breakup, his insecurities may get the best of him.
What You Can Do To Set the Record Straight
To change the way he thinks about a lot of things, your guy will need to come to terms with why you broke up with him, if that is the way it went down. Don’t allow him to put the blame on you. You’re doing the no contact because you need time to heal and he needs time to think about his actions that contributed to the breakup.
If you hear from the grapevine that he is still clinging to this notion that you are with another guy, don’t break the no contact period. Post your availability status on Facebook. Find a friend that can do a little subtle “setting the record straight” dialogue with your ex.
What if He Confronts You About This Imaginary Guy?
If he did reach out to you to ask about this mystery guy he thinks you are seeing, then yes, you should set the record straight, particularly if you are fairly far along in the no contact period.
If you get a positive response back from him, then it may just provide an opening for you to get him back (if that is what you want). That’s the purpose of no contact right?
But there is a caveat to my advice! In this situation where you are contemplating breaking the No Contact Rule, you should be far along in the process. Don’t be in a hurry to rush back into the fire if there has not been sufficient time for you both to heal. Chris talks about situations in which you can make exceptions in great detail in his ebook, “The No Contact Rulebook“.
Check it out!
Moonstruck Girl 5: What if You Are Afraid Your Ex Boyfriend Will Move On To Another Girl?
In my experience, such concerns are often never realized.
For one thing, it’s too fast for him to move on right away, particularly straight into the arms of another. Why? Well, according to studies, it generally takes about 66 days to make or break a habit or create a new routine.
Don’t forget, you were (and may still be in his mind) a very important part of his life. So based on that, 21, 30, or even 45 days of No Contact is usually too soon a period for him to move on. Now, he might try to make you think that he has, but it is no easy thing for him to simply tuck away all of the emotional connections he has built with you.
What You Can Do To To Lessen the Chance of This Happening?
Be very active during no contact.
Improve the health, wealth and relationships aspects of your life. That way you can become more interesting to him. Plant those attraction seeds that Chris talks about in all his books. It will help in making him value you more and miss you.
So What If Your Ex Does Move On?
“What if he’s so busy that he won’t need me anymore. What if he finds the perfect girl for him?,” you worry.
I received that question from one of the commenters and it got me thinking.
“Yeah, what if the ex chooses to do that after one week of no contact and then just ignored you all throughout the remaining days of your no contact?”
So, that means he moved on from you right?
In a way, yes he did. But my experience in these matters has taught me that often these other relationships an ex will get involved in are short term. Guys often suffer from the “grass is greener” syndrome. I know it hurts if you see or hear that he is with another girl. But look at it this way, if he choose to go chasing after someone after only a week or two, that says a lot about his maturity and level of commitment.
What You Should Do If Such a Thing Happens?
Avoid reacting to what you think he is doing. Stay true to the No Contact Period. One can argue that in such a situation, this would mean your ex moved on from your previous relationship. but that doesn’t mean he has forgotten about you.
He just chose this course of action. Time will tell how he really feels about things. And time will tell how you feel about the bigger picture as well. Remember, you are working to become the best version of yourself.
You Fear He Will Become Angry and Then Avoid You
You can’t control how your ex feels. So, when he gets angry during no contact, what do you do?
Ask yourself first. Why? Why is he angry?
Let’s breakdown some of the most common reasons why your ex can become angry during the No Contact Period.
A) Did he get angry because you didn’t implement the no contact rule the right way?
Let’s get some perspective! Let’s walk down the path many women often take.
You’re having a hard time with your break up. You did everything you could think of like texting, calling begging, pleading, crying, possibly writing a letter, showing up at his home, and/or showing up at his workplace.
You finally stopped because he got angry with you.
You rested for a week and then thought maybe I could just ask him to be friends. Now, you’re friends (sort of) and you’re being nice to him, hoping that can make him realize your worth.
He asks favors and of course you do them wholeheartedly. But then after a while, you realize it’s not working from your end. You feel friend zoned.
In one respect, things are not awful, but they are not the way they were before. Since you are not so great at discussing your feelings with your ex, you figure perhaps there is another way to go about things.
You decide to search for help through Mr. Google and voila! You found us!
You read up on things and decide you will try the No Contact Rule. You figure, “what do I have to lose.”
So, you just stopped replying to him all of a sudden.
In the backdrop of all of the experiences you had with him and all the memories you made with him, a new reality is setting in. He is being ignored.
Very good. You’re doing the No Contact Rule.
But then he gets angry.
And because you’re in the No Contact Period, you ignore him right?
Why? Because you’re are going about things in the wrong way. The no contact rule was not started in the right way.
You should start it immediately after the break up, not when dialogue is open and the relationship is seeking to find itself.
You shouldn’t go into No Contact after you’ve established with him that everything is alright between the two of you.
Yes, it hurts to be friend zoned.
But girl, you have to at least make it clear to him.
You have to restart the count
Tell him, you thought you can be friends but you still couldn’t.
- Don’t tell him you’re doing the no contact rule.
- Don’t tell him you’re going to ignore him for a specific amount of days.
- Don’t give him any ultimatums.
Just tell him you need time for yourself and when you’re ready, you’ll reach out. He will get the message. Perhaps he might not like a lot. But deep inside he will understand.
That way, he won’t be surprised if he does not hear from you. You won’t leave him wondering what you’ve been up to.
Now, what if he still gets angry?
Do you continue to explain why you’re ignoring him?
You’ve already explained. You’ve been clear. He has to respect your decision.
He may be angry somewhat because he has grown accustomed to the friends with benefits situation. He may be angry because he’s was not expecting this reaction. He may have been hoping that you would stick with what you have been doing.
Let him cool off.
He will eventually realize that you are serious with what you said and that will help make him miss you and facilitate the re-opening of a more serious conversation about the relationship. You see, most friends with benefits situations evolve out of immaturity or a person’s lack of desire to commit. Such relationships are usually doomed to fail.
What if he’s still angry after a long time….let’s say after two weeks? Read on girl!
B) So, what if you started the No Contact rule in the right way?
Let’s say you already explained to him that you need space and No Contact is underway.
You just initiated the no contact rule immediately after the break up.
And then after a week or two, he gets angry because you keep ignoring his texts of asking how are you…. what you are up to…. what did you eat…. I miss you…. etc.
As always, remember our mantra: Let him be.
Because you’ve broken up. That is the reality. This is not Junior High where you broke up for a day or two, then made up. If events led to the two of your breaking off a serious relationship, then no amount of rushing around to put it back together again will fix the problem.
So you might ask, Amor, what if he says,
You might think, “Do I respond because if I don’t I am being rude, right?
In such a situation, you’re not being rude because (once again) you’ve broken up. You’ve ended a romantic relationship and it hurts. It’s not normal to be friends right after the break up. It is not normal for either party to the relationship to pretend that everything is fine.
Now, it is possible that your ex will think that the reason you’re ignoring him is because you’re hurting.
I am assuming he has some empathy.
He’ll think to himself why you’re doing this….ignoring him. The possibility that you are in great pain may very well cross his mind.
And so the most sensible conclusion he might be able to come up with is that you’re just not ready to open up yet.
And that’s true.
So, let him work through his own internalizing and stay in no contact. Anger has a way of fusing out after some time. Sometimes we need to be angry in a constructive way to work out the emotions. So stay true to your path. Don’t confuse him.
C) He’s angry because he thinks you’re happy without him.
So I get all kinds of comments like this!
“Amor, shouldn’t we have fun during the no contact rule? You know, go out with friends and family? How would he think I’m sad, if I’m out having fun? What if he gets angry because I’m having fun?”
So, your ex doesn’t want you to be happy after he breaks your heart?
“No, no, no! I mean he’s pissed because I look like I just don’t care after all!”
Are you supposed to care the same way after the break up?
No, you are not. Things have changed since the breakup. Your feelings for your ex is probably in flux, right?
Earth to you girl!
When you’re having fun and ignoring him right after the breakup, that’s called moving on. Or perhaps a better description is moving forward. And I am talking about you. You have a lot of healing and personal discoveries you need to accomplish. And having fun and fulfilling experiences is part of that.
Don’t allow yourself to be “guilted” into thinking you should feel miserable.
So, if he gets angry because he notices you’re having fun, and then decides that he will move on too, what do you do?
First, relax. Don’t be so quick to conclude that he has erased you from his mind. If your ex starts to behave in this manner, it is likely he will eventually change this attitude because often it’s a spur of the moment reaction. He made it while he was angry.
He’ll probably even show you that he’s having fun too to throw you off. You know…tit for tat.
Remember the mantra! Let him be. Let him cycle through his anger and other feelings. Let him have his fun.
The more we try to hold onto things, the easier it is to lose our grip on them.
D) Your Ex Seems to be Angry Because of Your Jealousy “Play”!
Ok, yes we do suggest making jealousy moves, but we don’t want you to make it too obvious or forward.
Don’t start going on dates (early in the process) or sleep with a guy.
Don’t kiss a guy or participate in an intimate pose, then post it on social media because you want to make him jealous. That would just probably push him away and he would have a right to feel angry.
If you are making a “jealousy play” a group picture will do. When he sees you’re in that group with some guys and girls, he is unlikely to be angry, but it will make an impression and that’s ok. You are planting a little jealousy seed.
If he gets somewhat angry or annoyed because of that, take it as a good sign because that means he still cares.
“What if he accuses me of cheating because of that?”
If he levels such an accusation, my reaction would be, “really”?
If he flips out because of a group picture or something similar, then he needs to learn to chill out. Don’t respond or try to explain. You would just be feeding into his hysteria.
Remember, you’re not doing anything bad. That’s just his way to get you to text him. And you should read this article too: How to get your ex boyfriend if he thinks you cheated but you didn’t
E) He’s just angry
So let’s dive back into the No Contact world.
Assume that you are out there trying to become that ungettable girl. Let’s say you haven’t texted or responded to anything and you’re just ignoring him and now he’s super angry because of it.
Let’s assume you started the no contact period immediately after the break up too. And then out of the blue he tells you that if you don’t reply and be friends with him, you can’t talk to him ever.
Should you respond or just let him be?
I vote for letting him be.
Because that’s just his way of trying to get his way over things. He is trying to control you. Strong relationships are not built on control. If you get an ultimatum like this, it shows you two things. First, it shows that some of the “personal power” has shifted to you. That is good for your girl! But it also shows your ex acting immaturely and acting out of a place of anger. And seldom can you reason with an angry person.
He needs to chill. No one should control you. Nor should you have complete control over another person.
If you reply, he may end up playing a game of not responding to you to get the upper hand.
He’s going to forget you: Out of sight, out of mind
You might ask, “Can’t I just continue to talk to him and just not talk to him about the relationship, so that I can remind him of the good times and not risk losing him?”
Why it probably won’t happen
Welcome to the 21st century where everything and everyone is online!
It’s hard to stay out of sight now if you are active in social media and if you read Chris’ posts and books, you will find a wealth of information about how to keep him thinking about you.
And surprisingly, the sooner you start the No Contact period, the better the prospects that he will start thinking about you quite a lot. In fact, with some guys, thoughts of you may become a little obsessive. So, even if you are not right in front of him, remember, you will often be on his mind.
So what can you do to help him keep you top of mind and back of mind.
Well, I am not so sure about him always keeping you top of mind. But there are lots of things you can do to keep him thinking about you in the back of mind. And that is where you will plant your seeds of attraction.
So that means you have to be active in social media.
What happens if you’re not a big social media user?
Well, that means you should start using it.
You don’t have to go big right away.
You can slowly ease into it.
- Have an instagram account and make that your online photo album.
- Have a snapchat account and play with the filters.
- Have a Twitter account and follow inspiring people.
- Have a Pinterest account so, you can explore and learn about projects or topics you love.
- Connect the social media accounts that you can connect to Facebook, and then voila! you’re active.
Keep it all natural.
All of these social media actions can help you in many ways. It will help your personal development. It will help keep your mind off of sad times. It will help inspire you. And if your ex boyfriend is active in any of these social media platforms…guess what? You will find a clever way to make sure he is following you.
He will notice you and the seeds of attraction can be planted every day.
But the most important part is that you go out.
Join classes and meet new people.
And then make new friends with your new classmates or work buddies and go out!
You can go out alone and do soul searching. You can go biking, hiking, walks in the park. Take a kayak out. Go to a bookstore and hang out. Stay involved and engaged in life, with people.
Just have a new environment.
You know, he might seem like he doesn’t care. And he will probably show that he doesn’t care. But you will see to it that he will learn through the “grapevine” about many of your activities. Slowly you are building value in his eyes. He will see he no longer has this exciting and interesting person in his life. More little thoughts will grow in the back of his mind.
According to a study by a Western Ontario graduate, Ms. Veronika Lukacs, 90% of exes check their exes’ profile after the breakup.
So, he will most likely check your profile.
That’s your way of being present in his life.
So let’s say that after all of your efforts, nothing happens. What does it mean and what should you do?
So let’s start off by asking “what” it is that didn’t happen.
Let’s assume he didn’t message you during no contact.
Ok…..no reason to panic. If you are still in your no contact period, then continue with it. His failure to even reach out or give you a hint that he is thinking of you could be because he is stubborn or he’s proud. Or on the positive side, he’s just busy or he wants you to take your time. Maybe he respects the process you are going through. Maybe is is simply afraid to reach out.
Not hearing from your ex boyfriend during No Contact can be for a lot of reasons. What is important is you keep the focus on becoming the best version of “you”. Your life does not revolve around whether your ex contacts you or not.
If the No Contact Period is over and he has not messaged you, what should you do?
Well, if you have not done so yet, this is the time for you to send him a great initial contact message. It is perfectly fine to make the “first move”. Believe me, women have been doing this for centuries! Chris covers this in great detail in his e-books and articles.
But let’s be clear, it’s very unlikely that your ex has totally forgotten you. That would be ridiculous, right. Don’t forget…when we are in relationships, a lot of close ties are achieved. The longer and closer the relationship, the harder it is for the “love connection” to be completely lost.
What should you do if your ex does not respond to your first contact message?
Hmm.. let’s say you did everything right, ok?
You stayed strong during the whole 21, 30, or 45 days of No Contact. You improved yourself but he didn’t answer your first contact text.
First of all, be careful about jumping to conclusions.
Wait a few days or longer before trying again. But this time, try a different contact message. Chris gives you lots of examples in his books and guides.
If your ex boyfriend didn’t reply after the second attempt or you want to prepare for that possible outcome, then read this article: What to do when the no contact rule doesn’t work
He’s going to find another woman…
I have found this to be a frequent concern with many women and the very thought of it can dig right into your soul. Often it never happens. Sometimes it happens, but the relationship with the other woman is casual (without sex). And there are times where your ex boyfriend has a “friends with benefits” type of relationship with another.
I know! Just the thought of another woman can drive you crazy. Well, let’s again turn to our Moonstruck Girl for some wisdom. Let’s walk through some of her concerns and deconstruct them!
Moonstruck Girl 1
“What if he finds another woman right after the breakup?”
Moonstruck Girl 2
“What if he’s has known this new girl for a long time. We are talking about an old “flame”. Or let’s say he showed signs that he liked her even before he broke up with you?”
Moonstruck Girl 3
“What if you come to believe that he is really serious about this other girl and has just moved on to her?”
Moonstruck Girl 1: What If He Finds A New Girl Right After The Breakup
Yes, there is a possibility that your ex could find a new girl, but she will most likely be a rebound. So, it’s not likely that he will somehow just quickly stumble upon the person that he can lead a happily ever after life with.
Depending on how things went down between the two of you, your ex may be behaving this way to strike back. He could be trying to fill a vacuum in his life.
I’m going to assume you did the no contact right after the break up and you are doing 21 day period.
Let events play out.
You cannot control his actions. But you can control your attitude and the decisions you make about your life.
What can you do for this not to happen
As I mentioned earlier, you can’t control him. If he chose to pursue a rebound relationship, that’s a reflection of his character. His choice to take this direction is rarely because you implemented the no contact rule. If it was, then it tells you what you really need to know about the guy.
The lesson you can take from all of this is to not to pursue or get trapped in a rebound relationship too. Because if he saw or heard about you kissing or hooking up with another guy, that might cause him to be vengeful and do the same thing too. And then things just start spiraling out of control.
Also, don’t attack any potential woman you see or hear that he is flirting with. It makes you appear as the bad guy and then he might go right into the protective mode for her, making him her “Knight in Shining Armor”.
So, instead of this other woman slowly disappearing from his life, you could end up strengthening their relationship.
What Tactics Can You Implement If He is Seeing Another Girl?
Maintain the activities you started during no contact and then when you start texting, approach it like he has moved on to her. So, that means don’t be too forward in making a move so that he won’t go into a protective mode with the rebound girl.
Keep the conversations short but fun. Keep yourself productive and keep being beautiful and being active in social media. That way he will keep comparing you to the new girl and miss you more. The grass is greener syndrome can run deep in the minds of a lot of ex boyfriends. Sometimes they need to learn this lesson on their on.
I just want to reinforce that it is important to do everything slowly. Don’t be in a rush to win him back, if you want him back. Continue your efforts of finding your own fulfilling moments. You have control over the attitude you embrace each and every day. Make them all count. Don’t fall victim to the notion that you can control the actions of your ex or even his rebound girl.
Moonstruck Girl 2: What If He Has Known This “Other Girl” For A Long Times Or Even Dated Her Before
This scenario is similar to the first situation in that he may be falling prey to the Grass is greener syndrome. I use the word falling prey, because the “old flame” phrase originated because something went wrong….things flamed out.
Sometimes a guy can forget the bad feelings he had with his old flame. An ex can rush right back into the fire. So sometimes, whether or not you are in the no contact rule, your guy may look for a way to be with her. Often what happens is the guy figures out why he broke up with his “old flame” in the first place.
That is how I see it. An “old flame” can actually help your ex boyfriend realize the value you have.
Is there anything you can do to stop it from happening?
“Wouldn’t the no contact period make it easier for him to be with her?”
Honestly, it could but, you have more leverage if you use the no contact rule once he pursues her.
The alternative is to do everything you can think of to please him or convince him you’re the right one. But I see this backfire a lot. Chances are, he will more probably be annoyed with you and see you as a hindrance to his new found love story.
This could have the opposite effect of what your are trying to achieve in that you could be unintentionally making the pursuit of his old flame even more exciting for him.
Ok, well maybe that’s a bit dramatic but I think you get the point right!
If it happens: Why it happened?
Check out this article: The Grass is Greener Syndrome for Ex boyfriends to understand more about the Grass is greener case.
What you should do after it happens?
Just as we have taught you, continue growing and improving. It’s just as simple as that.
Well, OK….nothing is that simple!
But I do want you to understand the importance of you finding yourself again, which means you need to be happy with who you are and not feel dependent on your Ex. If you strive to be your best self, I like your chances in the long run compared to the competition.
Moonstruck Girl 3: What If He Gets Serious With This New Girl
If you’ve just broken up, it’s less likely that he would just move on that quickly. That’s not realistic. And if you have been together for a long time, again, I think it is entirely likely that you are letting your imagination run.
What you should do and not do!
Don’t chase, don’t beg, don’t threaten him, and don’t forget about your needs. Start no contact as soon as you can. If you have already talked and made everything clear and he still didn’t change his decision, that’s fine. It’s time to start the no contact rule.
What you should do if it really happens?
We can never be sure how relationships will jell. Getting the chemistry “right” between two people is no easy task. There are no fortune tellers that can ensure you and your ex are meant to be together for the long haul.
That’s life. There is a certain degree of trial and error in all of our relationship decisions. Only real life experience with another person can inform us whether we will be fulfilled and happy with them.
Yes, it can be heart breaking when someone you thought you could trust and who you loved chooses another.
But think of this way instead. Consider yourself fortunate. When you focus on becoming the “best” you that you can be, many paths will open up for you and someday you will likely look back and think, “I am so glad things worked out the way they did”.