If you didn’t know, I coach a lot of people which means I get to see a lot of the mistakes they make, particularly after the no contact rule.
Yesterday, while in the middle of coaching someone through a big mistake that they made I had an epiphany.
I need to write about the biggest mistakes that people make after the no contact rule.
That’s what this article is.
I’m going to use all of my knowledge and experience to show you the biggest mistakes I see my clients making after the no contact rule.
Let’s get started!
The 5 Biggest Mistakes I See People Making After The No Contact Rule
From this point we are going to be operating under the assumption that a no contact rule has been completed.
If you don’t know what a no contact rule is then I suggest you click the link above and inform yourself because it’s kind of an essential rule for getting your ex back.
In all, I’ve noticed that there are 5 prevalent mistakes I see people making when they finish their no contact period,
- Going Too Fast
- Going Too Slow
- Fighting With The Ex/Bringing Up Past Issues
- Showing Too Much Emotion
- Forgetting To Focus On Themselves
Like usual, I don’t expect you to know everything there is to know about these mistakes. That’s what I am here for.
All that I am going to require from you is that you read and inform yourself.
Oh ya, and don’t make any of these mistakes.
Let’s go!
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizMistake #1: Going Too Fast
Yesterday I conducted a YouTube Live,
The concept is pretty simple. Every week I host a live Q & A session on my YouTube channel. I don’t mention that to plug my channel (though you should subscribe) I actually mention it because I got a really interesting question recently.
Now, don’t hold me to the exact question but to my recollection it went something like this,
“Chris, I’ve been trying to get my ex back for a long time. I did the no contact rule and got through it perfectly. I texted my ex yesterday to ask him if he would be interested in seeing me. He turned me down.”
This is a prime example of going too fast too soon.
The analogy I’m always using to explain why this is a mistake to people goes like this,
Imagine you met someone for the first time and you proposed to them. Do you think they would say yes?
Probably not, right?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWhy?
Well, because you’ve went too fast, too soon.
You haven’t really built any kind of attraction foundation that would make someone want to make that type of a commitment to you.
Why do you think your ex would be any different?
Think of it like this.
Strategies like,
- The no contact rule
- Building attraction and rapport
- Talking on the phone
- Flirting on the phone
Are all meant to build up a foundation,
Once that foundation is built, once you’ve stacked the odds in your favor is when you want to try pushing for a date.
There is one last thing I’d like to say before I move on.
Often I find that once a good foundation has been built you don’t even have to be the one to suggest a meet up. It just happens naturally.
Mistake #2: Going Too Slow
I’ve noticed that there are two types of people who come to Ex Boyfriend Recovery.
- The ones that buy into the no contact rule
- The ones that don’t buy into the no contact rule
So, I usually have to either convince someone why they absolutely need to implement a no contact rule in their situation or I have to explain to someone that the no contact rule is not going to be enough to get your ex back by itself.
Which one of these two people do you think I’m talking about with this mistake?
The ones who buy into the no contact rule.
In fact, they buy into it so much that they convince themselves that it’s going to be all that is required to successfully win their ex back.
Do you know the difference between tactics and strategies?
Strategy = Long Term
Tactics = Short Term
The no contact rule is a tactic. It’s not meant to be the entire strategy for getting your ex back. Rather, it’s a part of the strategy for getting your ex back.
So, with this mistake what I see happening is that people fall in love with the no contact rule and start to get this “ungettable” attitude where they refuse to talk to their ex at all.
“They are going to have to contact me first.”
And then what we have is an old fashioned standoff,
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizNow, don’t get me wrong, a little stubbornness can be good but if you become so stubborn that you can’t get any type of communication started with your ex it becomes a problem.
Mistake #3: Fighting With Your Ex/Bringing Up Past Issues
This one is probably the easiest mistake to understand.
And yet I’d make the argument that it’s without a doubt the most common mistake that see among my coaching clients.
But why?
Shouldn’t it be easy to not bring up your past issues?
Shouldn’t it be easy to not get into a fight with your ex?
Well, actually no.
You’ve heard my theory on open loops, right?
Open Loop = Something left undone, an uncompleted task, statement or thing
When human beings are confronted with open loops we have this desire to close them. We need some type of resolution.
In a weird way all a breakup is, is one large open loop.
It’s your ex saying that they don’t want to be with you anymore.
When confronted with this reality what is the first big question that pops into your head?
Why?
We need that resolution to move on with our lives and even if we have been given it then we want clarification.
And deeper and deeper into the habit hole we go.
It’s so tempting when trying to get your ex back just to subtly bring up that one issue or thing that your ex said during the breakup to close the loop isn’t it?
But why is it such a massive mistake?
Well, it’s a mistake because by bringing it up you are doing one of two things.
Showing you are insecure
Reinforcing the bad aspects of your past relationship
Don’t do this please!
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizMistake #4: Showing Too Much Emotion
Stop me if you’ve heard me rant about this before.
- Positioning
- Timing
They are the two most important aspects to this process and pretty much every tactic I teach you can fall into one of these two categories.
Weirdly you can’t talk about one without mentioning the other.
Keep this in mind as I unpack this mistake for you.
What do you think I mean when I say showing too much emotion?
Well, I’m actually talking about saying or doing things like,
- Saying I love you way too soon
- Over complimenting your ex
- Talking about getting back together too soon
There is a time and a place to show your emotion and you certainly can’t get your ex back unless that emotion is shown but the conditions have to be absolutely perfect for you to do something like tell your ex that you love them.
That’s where positioning and timing come into play.
Let’s say that you do a no contact rule and then decide to text your ex that you love them which is strangely reminiscent of the real life example I gave in mistake #1.
Why is that such a mistake?
Well, because right after the no contact rule isn’t when you should be saying that type of thing.
Additionally you haven’t done anything to position yourself to where your ex would even be receptive towards you saying that.
Most people fail to get their exes back when they attempt to get them back.
Did you know that?
Do you know why?
Believe it or not it’s actually because people lack the discipline to do what is necessary.
When I started this website half a decade ago I literally thought this process was difficult for people because they start off and the odds are stacked against them to the point where it’s next to impossible to succeed.
But that actually isn’t the case.
More often, I see failure because of a lack of discipline.
When people know what to do but literally can’t help themselves to the mistakes on this very list.
This is especially true with this mistake.
Mistake #5: Forgetting To Focus On Themselves
This mistake is actually the inspiration for this article because it’s a personal pet peeve of mine.
For the past 6 months my wife and I have been working with a client.
Like most married couples who work together we talk about our clients to each other and bounce ideas off of each other.
For this client we have both agreed that this might be one of the easier situations that we’ve encountered and we thought there would be a high probability that we could have a good success story on our hands.
I don’t think we have ever had a bigger rollercoaster with a client.
In fact, we had helped this person advance to the point where their ex literally asked,
“Do you ever think about getting back together?”
This should be a success story, right?
Well an unfortunate series of events occurred and we are right back to where we started. It’s been frustrating for everyone involved.
However, seeing it from an impartial perspective I realized something a few days ago.
The biggest thing that I emphasize when I talk about the no contact rule isn’t the fact that it can help make your ex miss you (it can) but the fact that it gives you an amazing opportunity to focus on yourself.
To come out of this better than you ever have.
Our client didn’t do this.
Instead, they have only focused on their ex.
In fact, they’ve focused on their ex to the point where it’s almost impossible for them to imagine a reality without that ex.
This is dangerous because I’ve been on record saying multiple times that the person who is willing to lose the ex is the person who will typically get the ex.
You have to be willing to go to that dark place.
You have to be willing to lose the game to win the game.
You also need to bring something new to the table.
You do this by focusing on yourself.
- Try new things
- Meet new people
- Go on a few dates
- Read a new book
You know that you’ve done no contact right when you don’t want to come out of no contact because you are enjoying the personal growth so much.
If you aren’t feeling that then you aren’t doing no contact correctly.
Conclusion
Let’s do a quick recap of everything that you’ve learned today.
- We talked about how it can be a massive mistake to come on too strong
- The analogy given was that you wouldn’t marry someone that you met for the first time so your ex is probably not going to be any different no matter how special you think your relationship was
- Going too slow is a massive mistake
- Don’t expect the no contact rule to do all of the work for you
- People have a need to close open loops so it’s really easy to want to bring up past problems in your relationship with your ex to get some type of resolution
- Showing too much emotion too soon is a huge mistake.
- You need to pay attention to positioning and timing to determine when you should be showing emotion
- Remember, you aren’t doing the no contact rule correctly until you literally don’t want to leave it because you are enjoying it so much
So, those are the five biggest mistakes I see people making time and time again. Like always, I encourage everyone to comment.
I answer!
Emma
May 30, 2023 at 7:36 am
Hey Chris, I successfully completed the 45 day no contact period but after I reached out to him, more than a week passed he didn’t respond so.. I got a bit impatient and tried reaching out to him with a different account and he replied there (without knowing it was me) It might sound stupid but after he found out it was me approaching him in such a dumb way, he told me to never text him again because I ghosted him for a long time and now reaching out like this. I know I messed up real good and I feel like I am back to where I was before and I feel very lost and don’t know what to do next. It really hurts just to type all these so I really hope that you kindly tell me what my next step is.
Coach Shaunna
November 12, 2023 at 6:31 am
Hi Emma, as you tried to manipulate him into responding (hiding your identity) he is now going to see you as a desperate for a response person. You need to NC again and this time not reach out to him but use your Ungettable girl information where you attempt to show him that you are secure and a confident person. If you have mutual friends / social media accounts that you have in common this is the best step forward to showing (not telling).
Ice
February 8, 2023 at 10:20 am
Hey Chris. I did the no contact for 60 days. I contacted him. He responded positively. I asked him if we can meet up for coffee some time and he agreed to do so when he comes to my city he said. However I feel like I should go back to no contact and develop my life and let him come back to me. I enjoyed the no contact although i want him back and i miss him. But i just feel of going back to no contact and let him come look for me.What are your thoughts? Thank you.
Chris Seiter
February 8, 2023 at 6:02 pm
I think potentially your approach jumped the value ladder. So, you didn’t really build up any rapport in the texting phase before you asked him out. That’s probably why you are feeling a bit uneasy.
Verona
September 19, 2018 at 10:32 pm
Hey Chris. My ex and I have been NC since July when I (I’ll admit it was wrong) showed up at his apt and he had a new girl. Two months have passed, I unblocked him on social media when I went abroad I posted a lot and grew a lot emotionally also. We do not follow each other on instagram but he went out of his way to view my stories (since I am public). I did notice it but I didn’t do anything since I think it should be him to reach out first. This weekend he looked at all of my stories, and when I went to go check back later, his name disappeared. He blocked me. What does this mean and what should I do?
Chris Seiter
September 20, 2018 at 12:51 am
Hi Verona!
I wouldn’t read a lot into it. He probably feeling the tug of attraction and felt guilty or afraid he could not manage his emotions.
Sarah
September 18, 2018 at 10:25 pm
Hey Chris, so I did no contact and then reached out to him on Friday with a “you won’t believe what’s happened” message – had a brief conversation, to which I didn’t respond to his message on Saturday (continuation of convo). On Monday night I received a Snapchat, and when I responded Tuesday he ignored it so I then responded to the text message. Had a bit more conversation, but then he left me on read and an hour later text him again saying “oh I hope you didn’t think I was comparing you in a bad way” (he is reading godfather and I asked/’joked’ whether he was reading it to be even more like him). What should I do? Should I continue reaching out or lay low for a few weeks? I’ve heard he might be seeing someone from work and I’m slightly concerned as this is our second breakup. Please help!
Chris Seiter
September 19, 2018 at 12:07 am
Hi Sarah….I would follow the instructions in my guide. Pull back a bit, then try another.
Mari
September 15, 2018 at 11:42 pm
Hi Chris!
I did 5 weeks no contact & then initiated a text with my ex. The short conversation was light and positive with no I miss yous nor talks about the break up. His responses pretty quick and positive. I then texted him good morning 2 days later and he texted back at 12pm with a good morning. That was 2 weeks ago and he never initiated a text and I haven’t texted him since then. Should I text him or will I look stupid and desperate? :/ What if he never initiates texts. At what point should I give up?
Chris Seiter
September 17, 2018 at 9:39 pm
Hi Mari….so he stopped responding. Look, there is no wrong in reaching out again. You won’t come off as looking stupid or desperate. Try one of the initial contact texts I recommend in my ex boyfriend recovery program.
Ken
September 14, 2018 at 4:49 pm
Hi Chris,
I was in a long distance relationship for 2 years. I had a break up wih my ex bf 8 months ago. After tht he tried to contact me bt still he was’nt sure to take me back. Last week i put a whats app display pic of positivity quote. I believe tht hit him hard. He wrote “it dont matter to me lyrics drake” m so confused as to what is going on in his mind. Has he got over me now? I want him back. I am torn apart. My mind says to ignore and take NC bt my heart says i am hurting his feelings as he’s thinking i hv started moving on. I know he loved me when i was in relationship with him. We spent a very good time with amazing chemistry and soul connection. I dont want he should hv any hard feelings in his heart for me. Plz help.
Marrissa
September 6, 2018 at 6:07 pm
Hi Chris!
I found your website AFTER applying my own version of NC. I wish I would have found you sooner, because my version of NC was just blocking him on social media altogether without a word. I’ve fully intended to unblock somewhere down the road, as this was more about me getting myself back than it’s been about getting him back… However, I have to admit, I do want him back in my life. I have no idea if I’ve completely destroyed any chances of that by blocking him. I tried to do NC by just not responding to his messages, but I found I wasn’t capable of not responding. So I blocked him. Have I tarnished the chances of NC working to my favor by shutting him out? He does have my cellphone number. He hasn’t used it. I don’t know if this means he just really doesn’t care to talk to me, we’re in a stand off where he expects me to contact him first, or if he’s assuming I don’t want to hear from him. Do I keep him blocked until I’m ready to unblock? Or do I just unblock him and carry on with NC if he messages me? I want to hear from him. But I’m worried that I basically told him to kick rocks by blocking him. I don’t know how to fix this! 🙁
Chris Seiter
September 7, 2018 at 3:42 am
Hi Marrissa!
Yeah…I hear you. But give yourself an A for effort! Best best to unblock as social media can potentially be a tool for you in helping getting him back. I hope you have picked up my eBook as there are more answers there than I can give you in a few words here! You can certainly better your chances with a good blueprint to follow and that is what I am here for!
S
September 6, 2018 at 11:16 am
Hi Chris
I was seeing someone for 3 months and we broke up 10 days ago. Apparently I ended it because I brought up the fact that I didnt want my time wasted but I only said that because he was still on dating apps (admittedly not checking them but hadn’t deleted them). The huge issue in our relationship was me not being able to control my alcohol intake but since breaking up I have decided to abstain from alcohol entirely and I’m exercising so much more and eating better so I feel like I’m more like someone he would want to be with now (not doing it for him I’m doing it for me). I’m obeying NC and will continue to do so but how do I then broach the subject of speaking again and letting him see the big changes I have made in my life?
Chris Seiter
September 7, 2018 at 3:59 am
Hi S!
He was acting immaturely or selfishly by playing around on the apps. So its a good thing you have little tolerance for that. Good job with focusing on your recovery. Proud of you. Its hard, but you will feel so proud of yourself as you continue to make progress each and everyday. Remember, part of NC is for you and your healing and being the best “you”. There is a whole process you go thru when its time to reach out to him at the end of NC. I cover it in all my books, on the site, on my Podcast, and my videos. But a word to the wise. Get my book. It hugely comprehensive.
Freya
September 6, 2018 at 7:33 am
I had a long distance relationship for a short time. He just met me two times, 4 months apart, and the second time we broke up after a bad argument. He told me I’m rather codependant and he is extremely independant, and my personalities clash, and I’m needy. And so on. In short, after endless texting as he didn’t want to meet, I ended it for us. We both had amazing chemistry the first time and the second time it wasn’t like that for some reasons. My moods made him moody and distant, in turn it made me more insecure and anxious and I acted out saying silly things.
What happened between us did make me realize what is about me that I should look into and adjust. It ended quite bad as we never got the chance to see each other or say goodbye properly and now he is probably is out of my city. But deep down I still want us to have another chance. He said it would mean a lot to him if we could be friends sometimes in the future and I reply casually, suggesting a place he can visit while he still in the city and I said he meant alot to me, and we d’grow. Then I feel lost. What should I do?
Chris Seiter
September 7, 2018 at 4:04 am
H Freya!
Sorry things ended badly. So just give it some time, then reach out suggesting a meetup.
Jessie Pitts
September 4, 2018 at 6:03 pm
Hey chris!
Just finished the nc and sent my first text. During NC I sent a feeler text and her response was neutral. I waited another two weeks (today) and her first response would be considered neutralish. Second response was more positive. Not much difference between word count (4 in the first text and 6 in the second text) but response time was much quicker than the feeler text.
My question is, I get the feeling that she isn’t going to open up much about how she’s been or how work is going. Should I lay low right now on asking how she is doing?
Chris Seiter
September 4, 2018 at 9:14 pm
Hi Jessie!
I think so Jessie. Just return to NC, focusing on building value and using social media to help with that, then try again in a couple of weeks. Also, if you have not picked up my eBook, take a look at doing so. There is a lot involved in stirring up attraction.
Zoey
September 3, 2018 at 11:12 pm
hi Chris
how are you?
me and my ex are talking together since two months and sometimes the conversation is so excited and sometimes not…i stopped text him for 8 days but he never text to me first..just me take the first step and this is really annoying me!
what suppose i do?
today i asked him to unblock me in his messenger because my whatsapp stopped but he refused and i think he thought i am just lying on him just i did before to unblock me then i start to be nag person and text him whenever i saw him online..well this is was me before unfortunately! but i am not this person anymore for this i did not insist on him to unblock me to make him feel i am so mature now; do you think i did the right thing?