If you didn’t know, I coach a lot of people which means I get to see a lot of the mistakes they make, particularly after the no contact rule.
Yesterday, while in the middle of coaching someone through a big mistake that they made I had an epiphany.
I need to write about the biggest mistakes that people make after the no contact rule.
That’s what this article is.
I’m going to use all of my knowledge and experience to show you the biggest mistakes I see my clients making after the no contact rule.
Let’s get started!
The 5 Biggest Mistakes I See People Making After The No Contact Rule
From this point we are going to be operating under the assumption that a no contact rule has been completed.
If you don’t know what a no contact rule is then I suggest you click the link above and inform yourself because it’s kind of an essential rule for getting your ex back.
In all, I’ve noticed that there are 5 prevalent mistakes I see people making when they finish their no contact period,
- Going Too Fast
- Going Too Slow
- Fighting With The Ex/Bringing Up Past Issues
- Showing Too Much Emotion
- Forgetting To Focus On Themselves
Like usual, I don’t expect you to know everything there is to know about these mistakes. That’s what I am here for.
All that I am going to require from you is that you read and inform yourself.
Oh ya, and don’t make any of these mistakes.
Mistake #1: Going Too Fast
Yesterday I conducted a YouTube Live,
The concept is pretty simple. Every week I host a live Q & A session on my YouTube channel. I don’t mention that to plug my channel (though you should subscribe) I actually mention it because I got a really interesting question recently.
Now, don’t hold me to the exact question but to my recollection it went something like this,
“Chris, I’ve been trying to get my ex back for a long time. I did the no contact rule and got through it perfectly. I texted my ex yesterday to ask him if he would be interested in seeing me. He turned me down.”
This is a prime example of going too fast too soon.
The analogy I’m always using to explain why this is a mistake to people goes like this,
Imagine you met someone for the first time and you proposed to them. Do you think they would say yes?
Probably not, right?
Well, because you’ve went too fast, too soon.
You haven’t really built any kind of attraction foundation that would make someone want to make that type of a commitment to you.
Why do you think your ex would be any different?
Think of it like this.
- The no contact rule
- Building attraction and rapport
- Talking on the phone
- Flirting on the phone
Are all meant to build up a foundation,
Once that foundation is built, once you’ve stacked the odds in your favor is when you want to try pushing for a date.
There is one last thing I’d like to say before I move on.
Often I find that once a good foundation has been built you don’t even have to be the one to suggest a meet up. It just happens naturally.
Mistake #2: Going Too Slow
I’ve noticed that there are two types of people who come to Ex Boyfriend Recovery.
- The ones that buy into the no contact rule
- The ones that don’t buy into the no contact rule
So, I usually have to either convince someone why they absolutely need to implement a no contact rule in their situation or I have to explain to someone that the no contact rule is not going to be enough to get your ex back by itself.
Which one of these two people do you think I’m talking about with this mistake?
The ones who buy into the no contact rule.
In fact, they buy into it so much that they convince themselves that it’s going to be all that is required to successfully win their ex back.
Do you know the difference between tactics and strategies?
Strategy = Long Term
Tactics = Short Term
The no contact rule is a tactic. It’s not meant to be the entire strategy for getting your ex back. Rather, it’s a part of the strategy for getting your ex back.
So, with this mistake what I see happening is that people fall in love with the no contact rule and start to get this “ungettable” attitude where they refuse to talk to their ex at all.
“They are going to have to contact me first.”
And then what we have is an old fashioned standoff,
Now, don’t get me wrong, a little stubbornness can be good but if you become so stubborn that you can’t get any type of communication started with your ex it becomes a problem.
Mistake #3: Fighting With Your Ex/Bringing Up Past Issues
This one is probably the easiest mistake to understand.
And yet I’d make the argument that it’s without a doubt the most common mistake that see among my coaching clients.
Shouldn’t it be easy to not bring up your past issues?
Shouldn’t it be easy to not get into a fight with your ex?
Well, actually no.
You’ve heard my theory on open loops, right?
Open Loop = Something left undone, an uncompleted task, statement or thing
When human beings are confronted with open loops we have this desire to close them. We need some type of resolution.
In a weird way all a breakup is, is one large open loop.
It’s your ex saying that they don’t want to be with you anymore.
When confronted with this reality what is the first big question that pops into your head?
We need that resolution to move on with our lives and even if we have been given it then we want clarification.
And deeper and deeper into the habit hole we go.
It’s so tempting when trying to get your ex back just to subtly bring up that one issue or thing that your ex said during the breakup to close the loop isn’t it?
But why is it such a massive mistake?
Well, it’s a mistake because by bringing it up you are doing one of two things.
Showing you are insecure
Reinforcing the bad aspects of your past relationship
Don’t do this please!
Mistake #4: Showing Too Much Emotion
Stop me if you’ve heard me rant about this before.
They are the two most important aspects to this process and pretty much every tactic I teach you can fall into one of these two categories.
Weirdly you can’t talk about one without mentioning the other.
Keep this in mind as I unpack this mistake for you.
What do you think I mean when I say showing too much emotion?
Well, I’m actually talking about saying or doing things like,
- Saying I love you way too soon
- Over complimenting your ex
- Talking about getting back together too soon
There is a time and a place to show your emotion and you certainly can’t get your ex back unless that emotion is shown but the conditions have to be absolutely perfect for you to do something like tell your ex that you love them.
That’s where positioning and timing come into play.
Let’s say that you do a no contact rule and then decide to text your ex that you love them which is strangely reminiscent of the real life example I gave in mistake #1.
Why is that such a mistake?
Well, because right after the no contact rule isn’t when you should be saying that type of thing.
Additionally you haven’t done anything to position yourself to where your ex would even be receptive towards you saying that.
Most people fail to get their exes back when they attempt to get them back.
Did you know that?
Do you know why?
Believe it or not it’s actually because people lack the discipline to do what is necessary.
When I started this website half a decade ago I literally thought this process was difficult for people because they start off and the odds are stacked against them to the point where it’s next to impossible to succeed.
But that actually isn’t the case.
More often, I see failure because of a lack of discipline.
When people know what to do but literally can’t help themselves to the mistakes on this very list.
This is especially true with this mistake.
Mistake #5: Forgetting To Focus On Themselves
This mistake is actually the inspiration for this article because it’s a personal pet peeve of mine.
For the past 6 months my wife and I have been working with a client.
Like most married couples who work together we talk about our clients to each other and bounce ideas off of each other.
For this client we have both agreed that this might be one of the easier situations that we’ve encountered and we thought there would be a high probability that we could have a good success story on our hands.
I don’t think we have ever had a bigger rollercoaster with a client.
In fact, we had helped this person advance to the point where their ex literally asked,
“Do you ever think about getting back together?”
This should be a success story, right?
Well an unfortunate series of events occurred and we are right back to where we started. It’s been frustrating for everyone involved.
However, seeing it from an impartial perspective I realized something a few days ago.
The biggest thing that I emphasize when I talk about the no contact rule isn’t the fact that it can help make your ex miss you (it can) but the fact that it gives you an amazing opportunity to focus on yourself.
To come out of this better than you ever have.
Our client didn’t do this.
Instead, they have only focused on their ex.
In fact, they’ve focused on their ex to the point where it’s almost impossible for them to imagine a reality without that ex.
This is dangerous because I’ve been on record saying multiple times that the person who is willing to lose the ex is the person who will typically get the ex.
You have to be willing to go to that dark place.
You have to be willing to lose the game to win the game.
You also need to bring something new to the table.
You do this by focusing on yourself.
- Try new things
- Meet new people
- Go on a few dates
- Read a new book
You know that you’ve done no contact right when you don’t want to come out of no contact because you are enjoying the personal growth so much.
If you aren’t feeling that then you aren’t doing no contact correctly.
Let’s do a quick recap of everything that you’ve learned today.
- We talked about how it can be a massive mistake to come on too strong
- The analogy given was that you wouldn’t marry someone that you met for the first time so your ex is probably not going to be any different no matter how special you think your relationship was
- Going too slow is a massive mistake
- Don’t expect the no contact rule to do all of the work for you
- People have a need to close open loops so it’s really easy to want to bring up past problems in your relationship with your ex to get some type of resolution
- Showing too much emotion too soon is a huge mistake.
- You need to pay attention to positioning and timing to determine when you should be showing emotion
- Remember, you aren’t doing the no contact rule correctly until you literally don’t want to leave it because you are enjoying it so much
So, those are the five biggest mistakes I see people making time and time again. Like always, I encourage everyone to comment.