Making your ex miss you is an important part of trying to win them back (assuming that is what you are going for.) A few weeks ago a coaching client of mine asked a really interesting question,

Chris, I realize that the no contact rule is designed to help make your ex miss you but is there anything else I can do to raise the chances of this happening?

That’s a great question!

In fact, it was so good that I decided to craft a whole post about it.

So, that’s what this article is. I’m going to teach you three things that you can do, on top of the no contact rule, so that you can ensure that you are doing everything you can to make your ex miss you.

The Three Most Effective Ways To Make Your Ex Miss You During No Contact

Before I begin writing every article on this website it undergoes a pretty intense research process.

Usually I come up with a few hypotheses and either try to prove them or disprove them. I’m a big believer in using research so that over time we can guarantee that we are getting to the bottom of the best way to get an ex back.

Anyways, when it came time to look for the most effective ways to make an ex miss you during a no contact rule only three strategies made the cut.

  1. Stay disciplined and actually finishing the no contact rule
  2. Make your ex believe they’ve lost you forever
  3. Utilize subliminal messaging

What I’d like to do now is take an in-depth look at how you need to employ these three strategies.

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1. Staying Disciplined And Actually Finishing The No Contact Rule

I was planning on making a big speech about this because this is something that I drill over and over again in my book but I figured before I start doing that you probably need a quick primer on what the no contact rule actually is.

In short, the no contact rule is a specific strategy that you employ when you are trying to get your ex back. You basically ignore your ex for a period of time on purpose with the intent of making them miss you.

I’ve written about it a lot and have even written an entire book about it.

Oh, I’ve even filmed a lot of videos about it too,

(If those things won’t teach you about the no contact rule I don’t know what will.)

Of course, explaining the no contact rule isn’t why I’m writing this section. Instead, I’d like to talk to you about the people who fail the no contact rule.

In my experience around 80% of the clients that I work with end up failing the no contact rule.

Now, just so we are speaking the same language when I talk about “failing the no contact rule” I’m talking about people not completing it.

The Problem With Not Completing The No Contact Rule And How It Makes Your Ex Miss You

The no contact rule utilizes two important psychological principles that really make it effective.

  1. The scarcity principle
  2. Reactance

Here’s a quick crash course on those principles for those of you who want me to get to the point.

The Scarcity Principle: We are drawn to things that are scarce. The perceived attractiveness of those things are raised when we learn there aren’t many left.

Reactance: When freedoms are taken from us human beings will do everything in their power to get that freedom back. So, with no contact you are depriving your ex of their freedom to talk to you and they will likely react in was to get that freedom back

Together these two concepts do much of the work to make the no contact rule so effective.

There’s just one problem.

As stated above, 80% of the clients I work with fail the no contact rule.

Now, what does that mean?

Well, it means that when they set a goal to ignore their ex for 30 days straight they end up contacting them or responding to them on day 10 and then day 15 and then day 25 until they finally get to day 30 and they proclaim to the world,

“I finished no contact”

No….

You actually failed no contact.

Sleeping Example

Consider for a moment this scenario.

Let’s say you have two people,

Person A and Person B.

Now, these two people are identical in every way except one.

Person A gets 8 hours of sleep at night that is uninterrupted while Person B still gets 8 hours of sleep but is interrupted 6 times and wakes up each of those times.

Who do you think will be more productive the next day from an energy perspective?

Person A, right?

Well, breaking the no contact rule early is a lot like becoming Person B. You are interrupting the natural process that the no contact rule is supposed to enact.

And to further reiterate that point I’d like to move on to my second point.

2. Making Your Ex Believe They’ve Lost You Forever

Last night, while I was doing the dishes my wife walked up to me and began venting about someone in our private facebook group who wasn’t exactly taking her advice. Now, the thing you have to know about my wife is that she probably spends more time talking one on one with people than I do (crazy, right?)

While I was commiserating with her on the fact that this particular person wasn’t taking her advice she said something very insightful.

I was trying to explain to this person that our entire process emulates moving on.

Now, you may read that statement and literally pull one of these,

But I promise you that her observation is 100% spot on. Look, I’ve been doing this for most of the decade and I’ve learned a lot in that time.

What never ceases to amaze me is the fact that often when women try to hard to get their exes back they fail. However, it’s when they get pushed to a point where they are going to give up that they start to get results.

When I brought this up to my wife last night she nodded her head in agreement and added on that you can’t fake “moving on” and sometimes that is the very thing you need to convince an ex of in order for them to take you seriously.

I know it sounds so counter-intuitive.

You came here wanting advice on how to get your ex back and we simply say “move on.”

I try to teach people to look at it differently.

Instead of viewing it as moving on from your ex I say to view it as “moving on without moving on” because make no mistake about it while we have found a thread of success in “moving on” everything we advise people to do is done with the intent of winning that person back.

The Problem With “Moving On Without Moving On”

Like I said above, I’ve been doing this for a very long time which means I’ve seen how people interact with our content.

I see the things they like to read about…

And the things they don’t…

I also see what strategies people put into practice.

The big problem I see with “moving on without moving on” is the fact that no one does it. We are slaves to our own desires and we desire our exes. Moving on requires you to work on not desiring your ex and that is really hard for people to do.

In fact, it’s when men and women lose all hope that they start to see results because that’s when they essentially give up.

So, here is my challenge to you.

During your no contact period rather than obsessing about your ex do everything you can to pretend to be moving on. Make it look at authentic as possible. I would get into details but honestly I cover this in-depth in my articles on social media.

3. Utilize Subliminal Messaging

Do you like ninjas?

I do…

I have no idea why I am talking about that other than the fact that I believe that what I am about to teach you comes as close to a “ninja technique” as I have ever seen.

Subliminal messages are stimuli that lie below our threshold of conscious awareness

The idea is that if you can interest the stimuli in your ex related to you, you can hijack his thoughts without ever having a direct conversation with him.

I’ll give you an example.

In 1999 a test was performed to further understand subliminal messaging.

The participants were present at a liquor store and researchers found that when German music was played German wine sales increased and when French music was played French wine sales increased.

So, what happened here?

Well, the music served as a sort of catalyst that caused the wine most closely related to the type of music to be more attractive to people.

How does this relate to the no contact rule?

One of the biggest fears that people have when they begin a period of no contact is that they think their ex is going to forget them (I’ve never seen it happen.) However, if you are terrified of this then subliminal messaging is your best friend.

Finding Your Catalyst 

In the example above I talked about how music raised wine sales. In that example “music” was a catalyst meant to interest the stimuli beneath our consciousness which in turn makes particular types of wines more attractive.

What we need to do for you now is find a catalyst for you to use during the no contact rule so that you will appear a more attractive option for your ex when your period of no contact ends. Oh, and it’ll have that added benefit of making your ex miss you more.

Here’s the tricky part, your catalyst can’t be a result of a conversation you have with your ex.

It has to be something a bit removed from you and sometimes even out of your control.

Any ideas?

The best one I’ve been able to find has been the use of social media.

It’s been well documented on this website that after a breakup close to 90% of exes will “stalk” their exes on social media (Facebook being the most popular social media site for this.)

A few years ago someone in our Private Facebook Group had the brilliant idea to use Facebook in tandem with some subliminal messaging.

Her theory was simple,

If I’m at the top of my exes Facebook news feed every time he logs on it’s going to force him to think about me constantly during the no contact rule and eventually he will miss me so much he is going to want to see me.

Her theory proved to be correct and she did eventually get him back.

However, she had to do a few things first. In order to guarantee that she would be at the top of the Facebook news feed she ended up hiring a social media company to help improve the social signals to her posts so that it’s always at the top for him.

It was a brilliant catalyst.

You just need to find yours!

Sources And Citations

What to Read Next

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103 thoughts on “How To Make Your Ex Miss You During No Contact”

  1. Avatar

    Runi

    June 24, 2020 at 7:29 pm

    I started nc ..but on day one when his usual msg came about wat i m doing n all…i told him politely that i need to process our brk up n focus on myself. To which he replied , yes ..take care and if you need anything i m just a call away. And after this we dint talk. It’s just been one day since
    But i doubt..
    Did i do blunder by saying it?? Will nc still work on him ?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 27, 2020 at 8:48 pm

      Hi Runi yes it will giving that you use your social media to show you are doing great and that you are not upset. And stick with a NC for 45 days and this includes social media stalking on your part

  2. Avatar

    Sav

    April 28, 2020 at 4:39 am

    Hi there

    So my ex and I broke up about 3ish months ago. We were together for 7 years, we broke up once before because I went away to school and had an overwhelming schedule and when I would come home on the weekends, I was exhausted and just needed space to unwind. We were broken up the first time for ~6 months. We tried again during the fall semester of my senior year. It didn’t work, we fought so much, he was angry at me for not being available and I was angry at him for not giving some slack since I was taking 18 credit hours (biology major). He eventually started ignoring me, I chased him hardcore, I sent him sad sappy love letters, I went on a 24 day no contact break. I reached out on day 25 due to COVID-19 break out, my college postponed our graduation ceremony. I had tickets reserved for him and his brother, I felt like it was “emergency” enough to let him know. We talked for a few weeks, I was able to really heal during those 24 days. We eventually met up one day, sort of by accident, when I brought it up he said he wanted to be friends, he’s not looking for a relationship right now, he’s focusing on work, I should focus on me, yada yada yada.
    So, I very calmly looked into his eyes and I said “I respect your reasons why you ended things, I understand you do not want a relationship with me ever again but, I will not be JUST your friend, I want more than that. So, if you only want to “just be friends” I ask that you respect my wishes and do not contact me for a while I want to move past this. If you change your mind, let me know.”
    After, we hugged briefly and he watched me get into my car and drive away. I stared straight ahead and did not look back (deadass, I have no idea how I didn’t burst into a ball of tears.) He BLEW up my phone that night, he asked me out for coffee and I said yes. Then 2 weeks later, COVID went into full effect, a lot of people on his team at work got laid off, he was getting super stir crazy. I brought up coffee again, he said he forgot so a few hours later, I asked if he still was interested in being more than friends, eventually.
    He said “I’m not looking for a relationship right now, so no.”
    He followed with “theres so much going on, I don’t know what I want.” I didn’t reply and he sent another text an hour later and said “See now you won’t talk to me!”
    So I said “I mean, you said no, what exactly do you want?”
    He said “I dunno” and I didn’t reply. That was on 04/23/20. I figured I could do NC again, I deactivated all of my social media accounts, I put our group chat with our mutual friends on mute. My goal is to totally remove myself from his life, see if he misses me and maybe he’ll make up his mind by then.
    I’m sad and I’m confused, I feel like he’s confused also but maybe that is me giving him more credit than he deserves.

    My final thoughts and question: I’m suppose to graduate in May, it was postponed due to COVID but I plan on taking pictures in my graduation gown + cap and sending out announcements. It is also my birthday in May (10 days after my graduation). What should I say or do if he reaches out with a “congratulations” “happy birthday” etc.? A friend of mine said to keep it short to a “thanks” and let him take over the conversation. I’m really not sure what to do, I do miss him a lot. I also feel like theres still a lot of love between us and my gut is telling me it isn’t over for good. Any advice would be great (so sorry this is so long!)

    Love all of the work you guys do!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 5, 2020 at 9:53 pm

      Hi there Sav, so if he reaches out to you during NC then you ignore it. Unless he says the words that he wants to get back together you do not break NC for any reason. Work on your Holy Trinity and keep being positive as best you can online

  3. Avatar

    Steve

    January 9, 2020 at 1:24 am

    After 15 years, my wife and I are going to do a No contact the day after filing for separation. I love her deeply, and she says I have become a much better man the past few years, but her hardened heart wont let me in. I was a bad, verbally abusive husband to her and my step kids from 2005 to 2010. She tried to get me to counseling etc, tried to communicate bu I didnt know what she was talking about. About 4 years later of us living together, I was just passive day by day not getting the message she was ready to leave. Finally she left. I was devastated, but still passive thinking she would find herself as she stated, and she was real confortable having me available as a husband and father to her and the kids. At the end of 2017, we have been on and off in the same house. She had an Ea last year,I found out and it was my catalyst. I have been self counseling for years, and she has seen the changes, but her heart was so hard, she cant let me in. Now, we communicate at a level we as couple should have always. Day late and a dollar short on my part. So, we are going to start a no contact.. Pray for us. I hope it does something. She says she loves me and what I am now, but she will not let me or any other man into her heart. Ever again.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 11, 2020 at 5:48 am

      Good luck and I hope it works, remember if you need guidance always post here and we are here to support you as best we can

  4. Avatar

    Sophia

    December 11, 2019 at 5:21 pm

    Hi Chris,
    My boyfriend of 1.7 years broke up with me a couple of days ago because he said he wanted to be fully by himself and work on himself. He said he couldn’t do a relationship right now and that this was about him and not about me because I was the best girlfriend and what not. We had almost broken up three weeks prior to this break up because I was upset he wasn’t giving me 100% but it wasn’t until I figured it out on my own that he was bottling in some things and having some self battles that I realized I was pushing him over the edge asking for 100% when he couldn’t even give that to himself. I told him that it was okay if he wasn’t fully there and that he needed to communicate and learn to open up. After the break up as of today, we had hung out last night, talked on his paddle board underneath the moonlight and we kissed and I slept over but the next morning he said it was really hard but that he felt that right now it was mandatory for him to be alone. After that I was obviously hurt and upset and have initiated the NC but idk if it’s gonna be worth it if he just wants to be alone. Please answer I really need help

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 15, 2019 at 6:11 pm

      Hey Sophia so yes no contact is so worth it as he has asked for space you need to respect that and give it to him, while also showing him that you are not going to wait on the side and beg and plead for him back. If you can compose yourself and live your life as if you are not upset and just doing well that is going to have more of an impact on him then calling him up crying about wanting him back is going to do. It is more likely going to make him curious to why you are not pleading him for another chance and make him want to talk to you more

  5. Avatar

    Jessie

    December 10, 2019 at 6:18 am

    Hello I am currently living with my ex, we have been on and off for the past year due to infidelity on both sides. About 6 months ago I moved out and went NC only to give in to his first text to me 7 days later and came running back. He made promises to change and go to counselling with me if I would just come back home. For the first month or so he kept his word and we even attended some counselling together and were intimate again. Right when I felt like we were starting to make progress in our sessions, he has gone back on his committments to me. He no longer attends counselling with me and gets super defensive when the topic is brought up. I also recently discovered he has been looking at and saving escort ads and numbers in his phone (escorts were the source of his infidelity). I feel trapped in this house, should I stick around for the holidays doing this NC or should I just leave?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 14, 2019 at 11:50 pm

      Jessie, if you have a way of leaving the house then do so. Move out and explain that him going back to his old ways is not something you will accept. The issue with getting back together quickly after a break up is the issues are not sorted before getting back together, even though it is good that you went to couples counselling he clearly hadn’t done enough work to stop himself from wanting to do the things he does to damage the relationship

  6. Avatar

    CAroline

    December 8, 2019 at 11:48 pm

    my situation is strange, we met four weeks ago, only dated for three weeks but saw each other almost everyday, texting and talking constantly. ON day four we both said I love you, him first and went from there. I fell hard and so did he, but last week he said he was an emotional mess and that we dove in too fast and his feelings faded. He said he was sorry and that he hoped he didnt regret it. It has been a week and Ihavent contacted him but we are still friends on FB, snapchat, instagram etc. but there has been no contact there either. I did contact his sister because I was just so hurt…this man told me I was the one and we both being Christians believe God had brought us together. She said that he rushed into it and wasnt healed from his last relationship which ended in August. He didnt want to go back to her but just the end of that relationship he was still dealing with….I am so afraid that because it was only three weeks he will dismiss it andmove on…it was so profound to me and I just dont know what to do to try and make him see that we can try again. We are both in our 50’s…plus I miss and worry about him…I want him to know that I am here…but after reading everything on the internet about NC rule I havent. His sister said it had zero to do with me and that he has some healing to do…what can I do so he doesnt lose sight of me/us….

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 11, 2019 at 8:23 pm

      Hi Caroline, so there is such a thing as a honeymoon phase where we get caught up in getting to know a new person and we being to think we “love” them. When in fact its just lust. Which I think is what you both felt in the start of this relationship. It was short so it does mean you can do a 21 day No Contact and reach out to him then if he is in a better place and ready to talk again, but you have to approach things as a friend not as an ex. And re build your connection with him.

  7. Avatar

    Carol

    December 4, 2019 at 11:50 am

    Hi,

    My boyfriend broke up with me a little over a week ago. I haven’t heard anything from him since. He deleted two pictures of me from his Instagram but left the other four up. I was taking this as a positive sign since he deleted all photos of his old girlfriend and myself during the last break up. We used to live together but now I have relocated for work and we were long distance. I want to work things out with him but I’m not sure that’s even something he would consider. I was working with a 30-day NC rule. During this time I’m really stressed about him seeing other women and don’t know how to handle it. I will be back in the same town with him over the holidays for a few days. Should I try and see him then or simply not contact him when I’m in town? I usually always would text him a lot and now I’m not doing anything to reach out so I’m hoping that shows him I’ve really been working on changing myself for the better. Any advice? How do I know if this break up is permanent?

    Thanks.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 6, 2019 at 8:33 pm

      Hey Carol, no you don’t reach out when you’re in town let him wonder why you didnt try to see him. Follow the program and stick to the plan and you will be able to set yourself up with your best chance of getting him back, but you need to take positive action and do what is advice is given, starting with not reaching out or replying to him during no contact.

  8. Avatar

    London

    November 9, 2019 at 4:26 pm

    We were together for five years. I am not even sure who finished the relationship or why We were just at loggerheads about alot of things and both of us feeling that the other was completely unagreeable and in the wrong and should apologise I am on day 35 of a 45 day no contact. I have heard nothing (and am still blocked on whatsapp ) however my child (who he is step parent to) has maintained contact with him and has been out to eat with him and he has bought her a nice present. I am hoping that his maintaining normality for my daughter is his way of keeping the door open for the relationship to be rekindled (plenty of men close the door on children when they close the door on mum, right?) On the one hand he is stubborn and fearful of rejection. But on the other hand I am worried that I am assuming he still cares for me because he still cares for my child, when realistically it could be that he is just a decent guy who understands that none of this is my daughters fault, yet he is happier alone. The more time that passes the better I feel about myself, my life and him as a person, and the more I wonder if I’ve missed the window period to reach out?! Should I continue no contact for the next 10 days for best chance of success?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 9, 2019 at 8:21 pm

      Hi London yes continue your NC to day 45 and reach out to him as a friend, I know you are blocked certain medias, but you can reach out with a normal text, not using whatsapp? Or even a facebook messenger. Just make sure you do not speak aboutmissing him, the relationship or the break up

  9. Avatar

    Casey

    November 8, 2019 at 12:08 am

    Hi Chris, my ex and I were exclusively dating for five months. 3 weeks ago, he suddenly asked to have space after we had some unhappiness and I agreed. He told me he would like to see me have changes and to observe each other for the time being. I’ve been having insecurities in the rshp as I just had a failed marriage not too long ago. He has been v sweet and loving with me and he took the effort to prioritize me, meeting me every weekend. We do call each other endearingly as well.

    However due to my insecurities, at times I did ‘push’ him away. And there was once I came to know he added new girls in his Instagram and went to meet them. He claimed it was common friend. When he added another new girl just three weeks ago, I confronted him of it and cox of the unhappiness we had, it was the last straw that he mentioned for ‘back to friends’.

    Nonetheless, he did ask to meet one week later but it was the first time he left after lunch. I knew he was meeting someone new already and that day we had abit of unhappiness as well that I broke down. We didn’t speak for one week after. I had wanted to try NC, however as it was his bday on 28/10, I decided to text him to celebrate for him. He had already prev last expressed his interest to celebrate with me on actual day one week back.

    On his bday, we went for lunch at this nice place. I dressed my best and smiled my best cox I knew most likely he would not wana ensue the rest of the day with me. We did talk during lunch but he was engaged in his phone a lot during lunch, as prolly he was receiving a lot of bday wishes. After lunch, he said he wanted to head home (which I didn’t believe but I accepted and prepared for this day cox I just wanted to leave a good memory). Afterwhich when he left , I dropped him a text and sent him our pictures taken – I said to him “wishing him happiness and the best and said that if come dec if he doesn’t have a gf yet, hope he may also help celebrate my bday as a friend. I told him to take care and placed a happy emoticon. Cox I just wanted to end things in a positive note.

    Later on at the same time, I posted in our own personal fb (just for the both of us that we created). I told him too that – “thank u for the wonderful journey so far and I sincerely appreciate that even if it was a short celebration I was glad to spend with him”’

    He never replied since then on 28/10. I tot he would at least respond. My cushion and shoes are still in his car which he didn’t reach out for me to take back.

    One day later. He posted in Instagram suddenly of his bday celebration pic. He seldom posts in ig only once awhile. He wrote a caption of something very sad , and ending off thanking the ‘new girl’ (with her name initial) for the photo credit. My heart sank when I saw the pic.

    Ever since then I’ve been doing NC, and signed up for new classes as well. Cox I’ve been so down last two weeks that it dragged my soul. I’m not sure in this case should I continue to do NC although he was the one who didn’t reply. I’m not hoping for anything but at the v least to ‘end things’ positively. Pls kindly advise thank u!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 8, 2019 at 9:32 pm

      Hey, you’re doing the right thing but sometimes these things will take time. So keep doing the same things you are and posting positively to your social media. This means when he does think about you and checks up on you he will see that you are doing great without him in your life, after you NC you can reach out to him but do so as a friend who you’re getting to know agian. Do not expect to pick up where you left off

  10. Avatar

    Esther

    November 1, 2019 at 2:30 am

    Hi Chris. My boyfriend and I were together for 14 months, being in contact 24/7 by messaging, occasional calls and meetups once or twice a week (he lives about 2 hours away from me so not too close). I am 21, he is 20. We became very close and also kind of co-dependent, and the relationship had issues but now that we’re apart I’ve realised it’s him I truly want to be with and I’m willing to try and do what it takes to see if I can get him back. Well, his parents are kind of traditional and according to what he told me they never liked me and the fact that he was dating me, he said it’s not really personal they just don’t support him having a girlfriend as he “needs to experience the world and other girls” before he eventually settles down. He lives at home with his family. So about 1 month ago he started messaging shorter than usual, was colder and didn’t show as much affection as he used to. We still hung out but I could feel that something was different, like he wasn’t really there. Like he wasn’t worried anymore that much if he lost me (he used to be really overprotective anxious about other guys potentially interacting with me and stuff). I confronted him about his behaviour change a couple times but he usually stayed with nonchalant face and said he’s alright. There were also some unkind comments from him. He told me a couple weeks ago on the phone which we regularly talked on that his parents are blaming him not being home enough on me and that it’s my fault he’s always gets home late, blah blah and his mum even kept asking him “why are you still with her, you should not be in a relationship” etc. even though I never even met them. They never even knew when he came over or slept at my house because he left his phone at his friends house on which his parents apparently installed a device to see where he is. So he kept lying a lot to his parents when he met up with me and had to make up stories. A week ago he messaged me out of the blue saying he’s sorry but he needs some space and that he doesn’t know yet for how long but he just needs to be alone… so we stopped talking for the first time in 14 months but it wasn’t yet a breakup as all he said he just needed space.. I already had a really bad feeling though and from that day I had no appetite, I fell apart and got frequent urges to break down. I had no idea how long his “space” will be, he was never even a space person he always liked to be in touch. Well, it lasted 1,5 day and the next evening he called me and we were on the phone for 3 hours. He said he can’t take it anymore and wants to tell me the things that have been on his mind.. he said his overthinking and anxiety about our relationship has been getting really bad to the point where he overthinks every little text message I send him when we talk, and also said he “knew he wasn’t quite ready for a relationship” yet even before we started dating but that he fell in love with me at first sight and felt a connection so strong he wanted to make me his… but that he thinks he’s “immature” and that it’s about him and not about me, he said he also thinks “he’s not the best thing for me”. So I asked him what he wants and he said it might be best if we go our separate ways. We both cried towards the end he said he wanted it to be a mutual agreement but I definitely didn’t want it and he knew it. He even said he loved me and that it wouldn’t affect that.. also asked me during the breakup conversation that if we were to run into each other in a few years and started talking would I give things another chance. I said maybe, as couple years is a lot of time. I’ve been thinking a lot if what he said was the truth, or those reasons were just a cover for something else he didn’t wanna hurt me more with.. he could’ve lied to me he’s good a thing lying to his parents. I’m thinking maybe he lost attraction for me and didn’t wanna be with me and/or found someone else.. when we hung up for the last time afterwards I sent him one more message saying I love him and then the next day since we didn’t yet remove each other off each other’s Facebook it tortured me seeing him online constantly and not talking to me so I sent him another message the next day in the evenings saying I think it’s for our own good if we don’t see each other’s stuff at all.. then as soon as he saw the message I blocked him on Facebook but we agreed we would leave each other our phone numbers just in case for the future. Then he sent me one last response on SMS saying yes he thinks that might be best too and told me to take care of myself. I didn’t respond. After that we had no contact andIt’s been 5 days now haven’t heard anything from him have no idea how he is or what’s happening with him I really want to just reach out and ask him.. but I read about no contact and decided I would do it.ive also realised this is the guy I want to be with and I want to try and get him back… what do you think in my situation? I really want this guy as I love and miss him, how should I go about getting him back? I’ve been in no contact for 5 days now he still hasn’t reached out but don’t know how long i should do it as i don’t want him to move on from me either. Sorry about the long post I would really appreciate your advice. Thank you Esther

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 9, 2019 at 12:45 am

      Hey Esther, so your ex is not going to forget about you within the 30 days of No Contact but if you want to follow this process it really is necessary, make sure you read through all the relevant information to your situation on this website, making sure you know what you need to be doing during your No Contact too

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    Louise

    October 26, 2019 at 2:04 pm

    Hi,
    My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me 2 months ago as we had been going through a really rough patch due to how I had unsupportive and selfish I was behaving around a new job he had taken. We have always very in love and had planned out our lives together with friends and family and ourselves included thinking we would get married. However in the last few months the stress of the new job and my behaviour put immense strain on us and after a few months he cracked and said we needed to break up because we weren’t making each other happy and were on different life paths. I was devastated but decided to address my behaviour straight away and began having therapy to address why I had behaved in this way. I didn’t contact my ex but live around the corner from each other and after 1 week we ran into each other and spoke briefly where I told him that I was going to therapy. After seeing him I still didn’t contact him but bumped into him again on week 3 and week 5 where we had longer conversations. He told me that he misses me a lot and isn’t finding this easy but that after being together from 19-25 he feels he needs some time alone. We agreed to meet to properly talk at 7 weeks, we met and spent the whole day together and I was able to tell him everything I have learnt in therapy and why I previously acted as I did and why I know it won’t happen again now I confronted my issues. He listened and said he still loves me but mentally just isn’t there to be in a releationship with me and doesn’t know if and when that will change and so doesn’t want me to wait for him because it’s unfair. At the same time he admitted he could see a potential future for us but that he just doesn’t know right now and knows he needs to be on his own. I love him more than anything and this time apart has proved to me more than ever that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Since meeting 2 weeks we have sent 2 messages just to address some life things that were happening but it has been clear he doesn’t want to chat. Would you recommend beginning no contact now and even though it’s already been 2 months apart with some contact and a meet up?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 27, 2019 at 10:07 pm

      Hi Louise so I would suggest giving it a full 30 days nc and working on yourself in that time so that you make some positive changes to your life big or small it matters in the sense that it makes you happier in your life. Then when you reach out to him you do not mention the break up the relationship or anything to do with your past. You reach out as friend asking for advice on something you know he is knowledgeable in, or telling him you’ve done something you know he is interested in doing as a hobby or wanted to do one day. The conversations need to be positive short and ending at the peak

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    Theodora

    October 21, 2019 at 1:54 pm

    Hi could you please help?

    My boyfriend put a stop to us seeing together because he said he finds everything hard at the momemt, including planning, feelings drowning etc. His reasons are 1) logistics (but i have offered to drive to him once a fortnight (we live 1.5 hrs drive away) and 2) his mental health which makes planning difficult, especially as he also flies to Edinburgh for work ar least once a fortnight. Last week he expressed an interest in not losing me as a friend as everything was natural and flowed between us (but he did say he recognised his selfishness). I told him i dont think i could be just friends or we could given history etc.He told me to contact him when im hurting less. I told him again i dont think i could be just friends and said id be in touch when im ready but that i may check in with him to see how hes doing. It has now been around a month since he broke things off and 10-11 days since i initiated no contact. But i do want to support him if hes suffering.

    What should i do?

    Background:
    After he put stop to us seeing each other, (although he said he was no longer sure about what he wanted when i asked him if he was sure), i didnt message him for about a week. Then texted him to see how he was doing. We then chatted every day as we would usually but it got confusing for me emotionally especially when he sent a rather formal text which when we talked about it he said it was because he saw on fb that i felt ready to move on and he wants nothing but happiness for me but when i deleted it he wondered what that meant for our friendship. I explained that i was sorry he saw that but it was really a post to say im not afraid to have other people in my life (im currently divorcing) asi was so afraid of what people may think. But took it down as thought it was not best forum and my ex family will get message albeit more sesitively. I asked him what he wanted from me and he said friendship would be nice as being anything more would mean meeting regularly which he just cant deal with at the moment. I said i couldnt just be friends as we went far beyond. But do wonder as i want to support him and do love him. Hes talked about feeling of drowning, his life is a mess, lots of travel plannings etc. More explained below.

    We met online and chatted regularly for a couple of months before finally having a first date in December and decided to be exclusive in feb. He has a son and lives near south coast of England and works half the week in Edinburgh. He has said hes finding everything hard, not in control of his emotions, worried something seriously wrong with him, and needs to simplify his life. I live in london with my daughter. Ive offered to drive to see him and for him to stay at mine at the weekends but he says that even slightest planning is too much for him . Also said he doesnt want to hurt us (meaning me and my daughter) or get us caught up in what he has expressed his life is a mess .

    I stopped contact for a week after we messaged for a few days regarding the break up but messaged him to see how he was doing. He said he was happy to hear from me. Chats continued for a week almost as we were and became confusing . I asked him what he wanted from me and he said friendship that losing me as a friend would be hard as what we had came so naturally and flowed. I told him i couldn’t just be friends because of my feelings for him as much as i wanted to. He asked if our friendship hurt me and i said it wasnt our friendship that hurt. He said i have his details and to contact him for anything in any circumstances. I told him how can he do that when hes been worried about his mental health (also said sometimes he feels as though hes drowning) and he cant be there for me as a partner how can he be their as a friend. I told him i have plenty of friends and family to support and he needs to concentrate on himself. He said he was trying to get courage to see his GP but was afraid of the repercussions on his work, house, son etc.

    I left it as i couldnt be friends but would check in on him to see how hes doing. i had offered to be there for him as a partner but for him that would mean meeting up and he said the logistics are just too difficult for him mentally at the momemt (we live a 1.5 hr drive away).

    How should i deal with this? What are your thoughts?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 21, 2019 at 8:36 pm

      I would suggest giving him space and time to get his own headspace sorted and know what he is feeling and in that time focus on you and your life for a while. Not speaking to him or contacting him at all for a minimum 30 days and then reach out as friend talking about something he is interested in and that will get him talking. dont have emotional conversations or anything about the past only a positive small chat

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    Sarah Puckerin

    July 24, 2019 at 3:44 pm

    Hi am 46 and my ex 33 we’ve been together for two years before that we were friends for fourteen years, I am married with adult kids due to my husband constant unfaithful, we got together he’s the best thing that ever happened to me he showed me love and was very open and honest with me things I never got from my husband. But he called it off about a month ago because he said he wants more and can’t get that from me, said he loves me more than anything but is going into depression because of the relationship I know he’s right I can’t give him more I can’t live with him etc I use to be at his apartment alot we got the place together and furnished it all the stuff in there I got it. I’ve never loved anyone this wayy not even my husband. He is the first man I’ve been with other than my husband I love him soo much and selfishly want him to want me back into his life. Plzxx help….tee

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    sam

    July 14, 2019 at 1:41 am

    will making him miss you through social media work if you’re blocked on all social media? How else could I get his attention if not through social media?

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    Alaijah

    July 5, 2019 at 7:11 pm

    Will no contact work if my ex expects it? We agreed and said we weren’t going to talk for awhile but in the past we have been on and off about it and I’m usually the one to come crying back. We were dating for a year

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    Tracy

    June 3, 2019 at 10:42 pm

    I forgot to mention, my ex is not on any social media and he ghosted me…do you think there’s any chance he’d respond if I text him after no contact?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      June 3, 2019 at 11:27 pm

      hey Tracy….so I think your chances are enhanced if you implement NC in the way I each in my Program.

  17. Avatar

    Pragati

    May 25, 2019 at 12:07 pm

    Hey Chris
    Me and my boyfriend are in relationship from 15 months..we were best till January..and in February we had a fight over a girl and he got very frustrated and I apologized to him and things were normal again but then he started asking for space on every little argument…he recently asked me for space I gave him and one day I saw him with another girl..i got frustrated and scared bcz I thought he is cheating on me n ended up overreacting…nd told everything to his parents..by the way our families are involved..then they told me whatever I did was wrong..he said he dont want to be with me as I keep on fighting and is scared tht I will continue to do so in future…and his parents to were disappointed..they told me to give him space and show him tht u have changed..he won’t leave you but I m really scared..bcz even if he will miss me he won’t tell or contact me bcz of his attitude and ego…i really love him and I m scared I m loosing him..please help me out…

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    Francesca Wiles

    April 5, 2019 at 1:36 pm

    Hi Chris,
    My ex and I broke up because he was feeling suffocated; that was right after we had spent almost 10 whole days together without a break. I was devastated. I did the nagging, calling, texting route knowing it was wrong. He has been up and since then even going so far as to tell me I’m the most amazing, loving person he’s ever met and that he would be an idiot not to see us through. That was St. Patrick’s day. We spent the following Monday night together and Tuesday night as well. We facetimed on Wednesday and everything seemed fine with him even asking if we were okay and telling me he needed some emotional validation that I cared and felt we were moving in the right direction. I, of course said yes. By Friday afternoon he told me he was incredibly depressed and didn’t want to get out of bed. We had made plans to see each other that Saturday. I spent all day at work feeling like he would cancel He didn’t I went to his house and he was still in bed (4pm). We did go out and he seemed okay (not withdrawn or quiet). I asked him that even though he was feeling this way were we stick working towards getting back together. He said yes, but right now we were in a gray area. At the end of the night he said he wanted me to stay, but also wanted to be by himself that night. Take a hot shower and sleep. He spoke to me later that night and said we were working on getting back together. He even said he would see me the next day if he was feeling better and he would text me when he woke up. I hadn’t heard from him by 1 o’clock so I texted and asked if he was coming, he said he was still in bed and wanted to be by himself. He was depressed Monday and by Tuesday I had to ask if we would see each other Wednesday like we planned. He said he had too much going on to even think about forming a relationship. I let him know how much he was hurting me and I said I needed to talk to him. He said I could vent and I would listen but he didn’t want to hash this out. I ended up texting him as I couldn’t bear a phone call where he didn’t really wanna talk. I told him maybe our timing was off; he agreed. I told him I thought some actual time and space might help. I said why don’t we reconvene in 3 months. He said that was so far away. I said what about 1 or 2 months? He said how about 2 months? I agreed and said call me in 2 months. He then said he does love me and that he was still wearing his necklace I had bought him.

    What should I do? It’s been a whole week and it’s killing me. I’m trying to keep busy. Working extra at my second job, going to the gym, moving apartments, spending time with friends. Friends have said it’ll be less than 2 months before I hear from him. Are they right? What should I do? Will he contact me? Or is it a lost cause?

    Sorry for the length. I’m just confused.

  19. Avatar

    skittles

    February 24, 2019 at 4:26 am

    Hey, my ex of 1 year broke up with me yesterday. He’s tried to break up with me twice, both reasons have been the same. He says there’s nothing wrong with me I’m beautiful and smart and have a great personality but he wants to focus on himself. He says in a relationship u either give it 100% or nothing at all and because he can’t give me 100% he wants to leave. He’s starting a buisness and getting back on the gym grind so he dosnt have time or money. Money because he wants to invest in his buisness idk why he sees this as a factor in our relationship and time he dosnt have because he dosnt have time to spend with me, sleeping over isn’t enough for him. he also truly believes that we won’t work out in the future cuz of the lack of time I’ll cheat on him or something. He also said he’s been having visions that it wouldn’t work out with me and someone brought it up casually without my ex even telling them and that firmed his decision even more. he still loves me and told me he would miss me but he told me he would swallow those feelings and love me from a distance. he’s intent on us not working out in the future he thinks if he continues dating me it’s gonna end tragically later which is why he’s doing it now. Does the no contact rule still apply here? , idk what to do I need help. I know we can make it work but he dosnt. So how do I get him back and strengthen our relationship.

  20. Avatar

    Ann

    January 12, 2019 at 1:31 pm

    Hi Chris,
    My boyfriend and I have been living together for about a year. One day I come home some of his clothes were gone. I asked him about it and he said he gave them away. Okay, maybe. So finally moved out and said that we need to work on our relationship and that we are still exclusive. I did think it was problem between us. Okay contact was good at first until he got all his things out . After that the contact got slimmer . Okay , no time spent with me during the holidays. So I decided to implement the NC rule and not call him ( I don’t have a time frame). I decided to let it flow. I’ve been the one reaching out since he left with little effort on his end. Would the NC tell me if the relationship is going to end the relationship completely or make it better? I do want the relationship to work, but he’s not making as much effort as I am.

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