Making your ex miss you is an important part of trying to win them back (assuming that is what you are going for.) A few weeks ago a coaching client of mine asked a really interesting question,

Chris, I realize that the no contact rule is designed to help make your ex miss you but is there anything else I can do to raise the chances of this happening?

That’s a great question!

In fact, it was so good that I decided to craft a whole post about it.

So, that’s what this article is. I’m going to teach you three things that you can do, on top of the no contact rule, so that you can ensure that you are doing everything you can to make your ex miss you.

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The Three Most Effective Ways To Make Your Ex Miss You During No Contact

Before I begin writing every article on this website it undergoes a pretty intense research process.

Usually I come up with a few hypotheses and either try to prove them or disprove them. I’m a big believer in using research so that over time we can guarantee that we are getting to the bottom of the best way to get an ex back.

Anyways, when it came time to look for the most effective ways to make an ex miss you during a no contact rule only three strategies made the cut.

  1. Stay disciplined and actually finishing the no contact rule
  2. Make your ex believe they’ve lost you forever
  3. Utilize subliminal messaging

What I’d like to do now is take an in-depth look at how you need to employ these three strategies.

1. Staying Disciplined And Actually Finishing The No Contact Rule

I was planning on making a big speech about this because this is something that I drill over and over again in my book but I figured before I start doing that you probably need a quick primer on what the no contact rule actually is.

In short, the no contact rule is a specific strategy that you employ when you are trying to get your ex back. You basically ignore your ex for a period of time on purpose with the intent of making them miss you.

I’ve written about it a lot and have even written an entire book about it.

Oh, I’ve even filmed a lot of videos about it too,

(If those things won’t teach you about the no contact rule I don’t know what will.)

Of course, explaining the no contact rule isn’t why I’m writing this section. Instead, I’d like to talk to you about the people who fail the no contact rule.

In my experience around 80% of the clients that I work with end up failing the no contact rule.

Now, just so we are speaking the same language when I talk about “failing the no contact rule” I’m talking about people not completing it.

The Problem With Not Completing The No Contact Rule And How It Makes Your Ex Miss You

The no contact rule utilizes two important psychological principles that really make it effective.

  1. The scarcity principle
  2. Reactance

Here’s a quick crash course on those principles for those of you who want me to get to the point.

The Scarcity Principle: We are drawn to things that are scarce. The perceived attractiveness of those things are raised when we learn there aren’t many left.

Reactance: When freedoms are taken from us human beings will do everything in their power to get that freedom back. So, with no contact you are depriving your ex of their freedom to talk to you and they will likely react in was to get that freedom back

Together these two concepts do much of the work to make the no contact rule so effective.

There’s just one problem.

As stated above, 80% of the clients I work with fail the no contact rule.

Now, what does that mean?

Well, it means that when they set a goal to ignore their ex for 30 days straight they end up contacting them or responding to them on day 10 and then day 15 and then day 25 until they finally get to day 30 and they proclaim to the world,

“I finished no contact”

No….

You actually failed no contact.

Sleeping Example

Consider for a moment this scenario.

Let’s say you have two people,

Person A and Person B.

Now, these two people are identical in every way except one.

Person A gets 8 hours of sleep at night that is uninterrupted while Person B still gets 8 hours of sleep but is interrupted 6 times and wakes up each of those times.

Who do you think will be more productive the next day from an energy perspective?

Person A, right?

Well, breaking the no contact rule early is a lot like becoming Person B. You are interrupting the natural process that the no contact rule is supposed to enact.

And to further reiterate that point I’d like to move on to my second point.

2. Making Your Ex Believe They’ve Lost You Forever

Last night, while I was doing the dishes my wife walked up to me and began venting about someone in our private facebook group who wasn’t exactly taking her advice. Now, the thing you have to know about my wife is that she probably spends more time talking one on one with people than I do (crazy, right?)

While I was commiserating with her on the fact that this particular person wasn’t taking her advice she said something very insightful.

I was trying to explain to this person that our entire process emulates moving on.

Now, you may read that statement and literally pull one of these,

But I promise you that her observation is 100% spot on. Look, I’ve been doing this for most of the decade and I’ve learned a lot in that time.

What never ceases to amaze me is the fact that often when women try to hard to get their exes back they fail. However, it’s when they get pushed to a point where they are going to give up that they start to get results.

When I brought this up to my wife last night she nodded her head in agreement and added on that you can’t fake “moving on” and sometimes that is the very thing you need to convince an ex of in order for them to take you seriously.

I know it sounds so counter-intuitive.

You came here wanting advice on how to get your ex back and we simply say “move on.”

I try to teach people to look at it differently.

Instead of viewing it as moving on from your ex I say to view it as “moving on without moving on” because make no mistake about it while we have found a thread of success in “moving on” everything we advise people to do is done with the intent of winning that person back.

The Problem With “Moving On Without Moving On”

Like I said above, I’ve been doing this for a very long time which means I’ve seen how people interact with our content.

I see the things they like to read about…

And the things they don’t…

I also see what strategies people put into practice.

The big problem I see with “moving on without moving on” is the fact that no one does it. We are slaves to our own desires and we desire our exes. Moving on requires you to work on not desiring your ex and that is really hard for people to do.

In fact, it’s when men and women lose all hope that they start to see results because that’s when they essentially give up.

So, here is my challenge to you.

During your no contact period rather than obsessing about your ex do everything you can to pretend to be moving on. Make it look at authentic as possible. I would get into details but honestly I cover this in-depth in my articles on social media.

3. Utilize Subliminal Messaging

Do you like ninjas?

I do…

I have no idea why I am talking about that other than the fact that I believe that what I am about to teach you comes as close to a “ninja technique” as I have ever seen.

Subliminal messages are stimuli that lie below our threshold of conscious awareness

The idea is that if you can interest the stimuli in your ex related to you, you can hijack his thoughts without ever having a direct conversation with him.

I’ll give you an example.

In 1999 a test was performed to further understand subliminal messaging.

The participants were present at a liquor store and researchers found that when German music was played German wine sales increased and when French music was played French wine sales increased.

So, what happened here?

Well, the music served as a sort of catalyst that caused the wine most closely related to the type of music to be more attractive to people.

How does this relate to the no contact rule?

One of the biggest fears that people have when they begin a period of no contact is that they think their ex is going to forget them (I’ve never seen it happen.) However, if you are terrified of this then subliminal messaging is your best friend.

Finding Your Catalyst 

In the example above I talked about how music raised wine sales. In that example “music” was a catalyst meant to interest the stimuli beneath our consciousness which in turn makes particular types of wines more attractive.

What we need to do for you now is find a catalyst for you to use during the no contact rule so that you will appear a more attractive option for your ex when your period of no contact ends. Oh, and it’ll have that added benefit of making your ex miss you more.

Here’s the tricky part, your catalyst can’t be a result of a conversation you have with your ex.

It has to be something a bit removed from you and sometimes even out of your control.

Any ideas?

The best one I’ve been able to find has been the use of social media.

It’s been well documented on this website that after a breakup close to 90% of exes will “stalk” their exes on social media (Facebook being the most popular social media site for this.)

A few years ago someone in our Private Facebook Group had the brilliant idea to use Facebook in tandem with some subliminal messaging.

Her theory was simple,

If I’m at the top of my exes Facebook news feed every time he logs on it’s going to force him to think about me constantly during the no contact rule and eventually he will miss me so much he is going to want to see me.

Her theory proved to be correct and she did eventually get him back.

However, she had to do a few things first. In order to guarantee that she would be at the top of the Facebook news feed she ended up hiring a social media company to help improve the social signals to her posts so that it’s always at the top for him.

It was a brilliant catalyst.

You just need to find yours!

Sources And Citations

What to Read Next

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120 thoughts on “How To Make Your Ex Miss You During No Contact”

  1. Avatar

    Bethany

    April 3, 2021 at 7:21 am

    I was involved with this guy. Mostly physical but we talked a lot too. At the beginning of March I called him way too much and after a week he told me why he didn’t pick up and that he needed space. I kept calling him and texting him so much that he ended up blocking my cell. I then called again way too much from the house phone. Every now and then he would text me to stop calling him. I didn’t listen and by the end of March he called me and said he will unblock me when he’s ready but because of everything I did it’s going to be a long time. I’ve stopped reaching out. But I’m really scared that he won’t come back because we were friends and sometimes friends with benefits. We’re still friends on certain apps.

  2. Avatar

    Felisha

    December 5, 2020 at 3:20 pm

    Hi Chris,I just broke up with my bf a week ago and want to do the 30 day NC,
    But I have a question,should I be the one to text him first after the NC or should i wait until he texts?And what will I do if he doesn’t?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 14, 2020 at 9:27 pm

      Hi Felisha, if you want him back then you need to reach out to your ex and start following the program.

  3. Avatar

    CJ

    December 3, 2020 at 1:52 am

    So my ex and I dated for about 6 months. We have known each other for almost 5 years and have always had a connection, but did not date (long story) we connected this summer and started dating and hanging out a lot. Etc. We did not fight a lot, but the few times we did were UGLY. He gets very angry and I would end up in tears. I always wanted to sit down and just make ground rules for our fights and how to fight fair and avoid this, but it did not happen. One night, we went out and had tons of fun, but later got into a pretty big fight, very tired and alcohol was involved. It sucked, but instead of staying over, I went home and had to work in a few hours. He called me on my way home and we ended on a mostly okay note upon hangup. The next day I sent a lengthy message and he was triggered by something I said (misunderstanding) and broke up with me. We continued talking, I went to his house that night and he did not want to get back together because he felt we never seem to get past our fights. We still hung out decently often but not as much, no kissing etc. He cried the night he broke up with me and kept saying how sad he was but it needed to be this way.. he does not show emotions well at all and had been hurt by a lot of people so there are thick walls up. Two weeks ago I went to his house and he was super crabby. I wanted to just talk like about anything and he wanted to watch TV and like was not in the mood for anything else. I was hurt as I have been going through a lot (2 close deaths to me, health problems, was in the hospital, a lot of stress from my job, etc) and I used my very little spare time to go and see him and he didn’t care. He told me we needed to take time apart because I was crying. I told him I wanted to sit down and talk and solve our problems (that are pretty minor, we get along very well most of the time and are very close) he refused to budge and had such a wall up that he showed no emotion and told me to go. He said we could sit down and talk when I had time again. I was beyond hurt. I love him a lot. But I went home and did not contact him. Not even two days in he reaches out. When I had left, I left a loveletter I had wrote to him previously and wanted him to have. I thought maybe he thought through things. He asked how I was etc. I did not answer back for 3 days. Idk why but I was just unsure what to do. On Thanksgiving I answered back and wished him a happy Thanksgiving. He told .e about a funny thing that happened and then after a few messages, he did not open anymore of my messages. He didn’t open it for days, and when he did. No response. I reached out to him a few days later asking how he was. He did not respond. Then a few days later he reached out asking how my surgery went. I had not had it yet and told him that etc. He stopped responding. So I sent him a message about something funny and he answered back super short and cold. I tried to give him a call as I really wanted to talk to him before my surgery, things are not expected to go well.. he ignored my call and I sent a message asking if he could call when he had a sec. He completely ignored me.
    His mom and I are friends (they are not close) she invited me over to paint with her and said he had just been drinking a lot. He does not show his emotions well and tends to be angry instead of sad or emotional.
    I am trying to do no contact and work on where I am at. I am struggling with my very serious surgery (got postponed) and the holidays and I really would like to talk to him and things to be okay.. I don’t know if I will ever hear from him again. I know he cares but is showing it very poorly. Do I do no contact until he reaches out? Or can I reach out? He also will be going away back to school, 3.5 hours away with no vehicle there and I do not have 2 consecutive days off together so I am just worried if I wait too long we won’t be okay.
    I would appreciate any advice or perspective on this. I know space can be good. I know I have had a lot of.emptional stuff lately and he is struggling with where he is at in his life with a streak of bad luck.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 23, 2020 at 6:13 pm

      Hi CJ, from what you have said above you can start reaching out to your ex once you have completed 30 days no contact.

  4. Avatar

    Lis Bailey

    November 17, 2020 at 6:26 am

    What about if you had to change your number during no contact? (Left the country) Should you just make him believe you are no longer available or reach out to let him know of your number changed?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 17, 2020 at 10:53 pm

      You can reach out after your NC with your new number

  5. Avatar

    Vicky

    November 2, 2020 at 8:48 pm

    What if you add your ex back on social media during NC? Is that breaking it?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 2, 2020 at 9:02 pm

      Yes, that is breaking No contact

  6. Avatar

    John Smit

    October 23, 2020 at 7:00 am

    Ex and I recently broke up she still likes my posts even tho we not talking is this a good sign

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 24, 2020 at 9:15 pm

      I wouldnt say it’s a bad sign

  7. Avatar

    RK

    July 26, 2020 at 2:55 pm

    Hi, my on again off again ex and I had a huge fight on July 1. We were in a LDR ( me Canadian, he Mexican). He said has only wanted friendship yet said lovey dovey things to me and we did meet in Nov 2019. I’m in day 25 NC. I was angry because he was being distant and I got suspicious that he was with other women. I said some pretty nasty things to him and kind of feel bad now.. but he did too. Not sure, can NC work in this situation? I only have him on WhatsApp and he didn’t delete me or block me. Thanks

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 2, 2020 at 10:03 am

      Hi RK yes you need to do the longer version of NC for 45 days and then start reaching out with the texts that Chris suggests in his articles

  8. Avatar

    Maria Garcia

    July 24, 2020 at 3:14 pm

    Hi , so my ex boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me a little over a week ago it was the worst feeling ever. We always had a good time together and created a lot of happy memories and were inseparable I had zero complaints about him and the only issue we had is that we had been arguing a lot and I had been losing it which he hated the way I approached things. I tried to keep my composure while he was in tears telling me how he was sorry he took me home that night and we had a hard time saying good bye. A couple days after he changed his relationship status and profile picture on Facebook, but kept our pictures however I got really bad anxiety and started over thinking that same day and called him he explained to me how he thought it was best that way I didn’t get my hopes up when seeing that. I explained to him how it made me feel he then apologized and said he didn’t do it with any intention to hurt me.It was hard for me to get off the phone I thought I could convince him but he only grew more irritated. Later that day my anxiety was killing me so I blew up his phone with text messages and called him a couple times. He then blocked me on the phone. I went to Facebook to send him a message stating that I was sorry for bothering him letting him know I will work on myself and to just please reply to my message he answered the next morning saying he was sorry he didn’t answer me but that he thought it was best if we didn’t keep in contact that he had made his decision and that he was happy to hear that I will be taking care of myself but to please respect his decision. So I was heartbroken but also I realized I shouldn’t be begging and that it was only going to push him further away so I didn’t reply and began the no contact rule and haven’t contacted him in anyway since then. It’s been about a week since I last made contact after 3 days no contact had started I began to post on social media changed up my look. And changed my profile picture as well as relationship status the next day I see that he had deleted all our pictures from both Instagram and Facebook. I’ve been sticking to the no contact rule but I have so much anxiety over when and if he will contact me or if maybe he really is done with our relationship. I love him with all my heart and I know he does too I really want him to realize that I am working on myself. I want him to come back I could really use some advice please.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 8, 2020 at 10:40 pm

      Hey Maria, if you are working on yourself and getting better control over you anxiety then you are on the right track. Make sure that you are using social media to show that you are living life etc and then when your ex does get curious he will want to check to see what you are doing with yourself. Think of it as a window to how you are doing without him around.

  9. Avatar

    Tiffany Bush

    July 22, 2020 at 12:40 am

    My girlfriend and I broke up 2 weeks ago. I have tried no contact… probably 10x but I end up giving in. One day she called me 149 times! We ended up breaking up because she kicked me out to sleep with another girl. I havent been home since. I rented a new apartment and I have been heartbroken since. She is still in contact with this other girl. She told me that the reason she did what she did was because she was too hurt by my actions from 2 years ago and should have left me then. She literally said that my actions had consequences and this was a consequence! I still have belongings at her house that she is refusing to give me because “she is done putting up with my sh** and she will decide when I can get it. The belongings isnt what I am worried about, its winning her back and making this relationship work like I should have before any of this happened. How can I successfully go no contact when she is always blowing me up (usually to blame me for something or tell me that she misses me) and I have her blocked on social media?? Help!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 8, 2020 at 10:46 pm

      Hey Tiffany, my honest opinion is that you should move on after the way she treated you! But to follow a No Contact where they blow your phone up takes some real self control you literally ignore her, you can silence her number so it does not notify you when she is calling you, just tells you there is a missed call. There is the option to mute her on social media etc. You honestly just have to be strong and stick with it, plus I suggest that you follow a 45 day because of the fact she jumped into bed with someone else straight away

  10. Avatar

    Runi

    June 24, 2020 at 7:29 pm

    I started nc ..but on day one when his usual msg came about wat i m doing n all…i told him politely that i need to process our brk up n focus on myself. To which he replied , yes ..take care and if you need anything i m just a call away. And after this we dint talk. It’s just been one day since
    But i doubt..
    Did i do blunder by saying it?? Will nc still work on him ?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 27, 2020 at 8:48 pm

      Hi Runi yes it will giving that you use your social media to show you are doing great and that you are not upset. And stick with a NC for 45 days and this includes social media stalking on your part

  11. Avatar

    Sav

    April 28, 2020 at 4:39 am

    Hi there

    So my ex and I broke up about 3ish months ago. We were together for 7 years, we broke up once before because I went away to school and had an overwhelming schedule and when I would come home on the weekends, I was exhausted and just needed space to unwind. We were broken up the first time for ~6 months. We tried again during the fall semester of my senior year. It didn’t work, we fought so much, he was angry at me for not being available and I was angry at him for not giving some slack since I was taking 18 credit hours (biology major). He eventually started ignoring me, I chased him hardcore, I sent him sad sappy love letters, I went on a 24 day no contact break. I reached out on day 25 due to COVID-19 break out, my college postponed our graduation ceremony. I had tickets reserved for him and his brother, I felt like it was “emergency” enough to let him know. We talked for a few weeks, I was able to really heal during those 24 days. We eventually met up one day, sort of by accident, when I brought it up he said he wanted to be friends, he’s not looking for a relationship right now, he’s focusing on work, I should focus on me, yada yada yada.
    So, I very calmly looked into his eyes and I said “I respect your reasons why you ended things, I understand you do not want a relationship with me ever again but, I will not be JUST your friend, I want more than that. So, if you only want to “just be friends” I ask that you respect my wishes and do not contact me for a while I want to move past this. If you change your mind, let me know.”
    After, we hugged briefly and he watched me get into my car and drive away. I stared straight ahead and did not look back (deadass, I have no idea how I didn’t burst into a ball of tears.) He BLEW up my phone that night, he asked me out for coffee and I said yes. Then 2 weeks later, COVID went into full effect, a lot of people on his team at work got laid off, he was getting super stir crazy. I brought up coffee again, he said he forgot so a few hours later, I asked if he still was interested in being more than friends, eventually.
    He said “I’m not looking for a relationship right now, so no.”
    He followed with “theres so much going on, I don’t know what I want.” I didn’t reply and he sent another text an hour later and said “See now you won’t talk to me!”
    So I said “I mean, you said no, what exactly do you want?”
    He said “I dunno” and I didn’t reply. That was on 04/23/20. I figured I could do NC again, I deactivated all of my social media accounts, I put our group chat with our mutual friends on mute. My goal is to totally remove myself from his life, see if he misses me and maybe he’ll make up his mind by then.
    I’m sad and I’m confused, I feel like he’s confused also but maybe that is me giving him more credit than he deserves.

    My final thoughts and question: I’m suppose to graduate in May, it was postponed due to COVID but I plan on taking pictures in my graduation gown + cap and sending out announcements. It is also my birthday in May (10 days after my graduation). What should I say or do if he reaches out with a “congratulations” “happy birthday” etc.? A friend of mine said to keep it short to a “thanks” and let him take over the conversation. I’m really not sure what to do, I do miss him a lot. I also feel like theres still a lot of love between us and my gut is telling me it isn’t over for good. Any advice would be great (so sorry this is so long!)

    Love all of the work you guys do!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 5, 2020 at 9:53 pm

      Hi there Sav, so if he reaches out to you during NC then you ignore it. Unless he says the words that he wants to get back together you do not break NC for any reason. Work on your Holy Trinity and keep being positive as best you can online

  12. Avatar

    Steve

    January 9, 2020 at 1:24 am

    After 15 years, my wife and I are going to do a No contact the day after filing for separation. I love her deeply, and she says I have become a much better man the past few years, but her hardened heart wont let me in. I was a bad, verbally abusive husband to her and my step kids from 2005 to 2010. She tried to get me to counseling etc, tried to communicate bu I didnt know what she was talking about. About 4 years later of us living together, I was just passive day by day not getting the message she was ready to leave. Finally she left. I was devastated, but still passive thinking she would find herself as she stated, and she was real confortable having me available as a husband and father to her and the kids. At the end of 2017, we have been on and off in the same house. She had an Ea last year,I found out and it was my catalyst. I have been self counseling for years, and she has seen the changes, but her heart was so hard, she cant let me in. Now, we communicate at a level we as couple should have always. Day late and a dollar short on my part. So, we are going to start a no contact.. Pray for us. I hope it does something. She says she loves me and what I am now, but she will not let me or any other man into her heart. Ever again.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 11, 2020 at 5:48 am

      Good luck and I hope it works, remember if you need guidance always post here and we are here to support you as best we can

  13. Avatar

    Sophia

    December 11, 2019 at 5:21 pm

    Hi Chris,
    My boyfriend of 1.7 years broke up with me a couple of days ago because he said he wanted to be fully by himself and work on himself. He said he couldn’t do a relationship right now and that this was about him and not about me because I was the best girlfriend and what not. We had almost broken up three weeks prior to this break up because I was upset he wasn’t giving me 100% but it wasn’t until I figured it out on my own that he was bottling in some things and having some self battles that I realized I was pushing him over the edge asking for 100% when he couldn’t even give that to himself. I told him that it was okay if he wasn’t fully there and that he needed to communicate and learn to open up. After the break up as of today, we had hung out last night, talked on his paddle board underneath the moonlight and we kissed and I slept over but the next morning he said it was really hard but that he felt that right now it was mandatory for him to be alone. After that I was obviously hurt and upset and have initiated the NC but idk if it’s gonna be worth it if he just wants to be alone. Please answer I really need help

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 15, 2019 at 6:11 pm

      Hey Sophia so yes no contact is so worth it as he has asked for space you need to respect that and give it to him, while also showing him that you are not going to wait on the side and beg and plead for him back. If you can compose yourself and live your life as if you are not upset and just doing well that is going to have more of an impact on him then calling him up crying about wanting him back is going to do. It is more likely going to make him curious to why you are not pleading him for another chance and make him want to talk to you more

  14. Avatar

    Jessie

    December 10, 2019 at 6:18 am

    Hello I am currently living with my ex, we have been on and off for the past year due to infidelity on both sides. About 6 months ago I moved out and went NC only to give in to his first text to me 7 days later and came running back. He made promises to change and go to counselling with me if I would just come back home. For the first month or so he kept his word and we even attended some counselling together and were intimate again. Right when I felt like we were starting to make progress in our sessions, he has gone back on his committments to me. He no longer attends counselling with me and gets super defensive when the topic is brought up. I also recently discovered he has been looking at and saving escort ads and numbers in his phone (escorts were the source of his infidelity). I feel trapped in this house, should I stick around for the holidays doing this NC or should I just leave?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 14, 2019 at 11:50 pm

      Jessie, if you have a way of leaving the house then do so. Move out and explain that him going back to his old ways is not something you will accept. The issue with getting back together quickly after a break up is the issues are not sorted before getting back together, even though it is good that you went to couples counselling he clearly hadn’t done enough work to stop himself from wanting to do the things he does to damage the relationship

  15. Avatar

    CAroline

    December 8, 2019 at 11:48 pm

    my situation is strange, we met four weeks ago, only dated for three weeks but saw each other almost everyday, texting and talking constantly. ON day four we both said I love you, him first and went from there. I fell hard and so did he, but last week he said he was an emotional mess and that we dove in too fast and his feelings faded. He said he was sorry and that he hoped he didnt regret it. It has been a week and Ihavent contacted him but we are still friends on FB, snapchat, instagram etc. but there has been no contact there either. I did contact his sister because I was just so hurt…this man told me I was the one and we both being Christians believe God had brought us together. She said that he rushed into it and wasnt healed from his last relationship which ended in August. He didnt want to go back to her but just the end of that relationship he was still dealing with….I am so afraid that because it was only three weeks he will dismiss it andmove on…it was so profound to me and I just dont know what to do to try and make him see that we can try again. We are both in our 50’s…plus I miss and worry about him…I want him to know that I am here…but after reading everything on the internet about NC rule I havent. His sister said it had zero to do with me and that he has some healing to do…what can I do so he doesnt lose sight of me/us….

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 11, 2019 at 8:23 pm

      Hi Caroline, so there is such a thing as a honeymoon phase where we get caught up in getting to know a new person and we being to think we “love” them. When in fact its just lust. Which I think is what you both felt in the start of this relationship. It was short so it does mean you can do a 21 day No Contact and reach out to him then if he is in a better place and ready to talk again, but you have to approach things as a friend not as an ex. And re build your connection with him.

  16. Avatar

    Carol

    December 4, 2019 at 11:50 am

    Hi,

    My boyfriend broke up with me a little over a week ago. I haven’t heard anything from him since. He deleted two pictures of me from his Instagram but left the other four up. I was taking this as a positive sign since he deleted all photos of his old girlfriend and myself during the last break up. We used to live together but now I have relocated for work and we were long distance. I want to work things out with him but I’m not sure that’s even something he would consider. I was working with a 30-day NC rule. During this time I’m really stressed about him seeing other women and don’t know how to handle it. I will be back in the same town with him over the holidays for a few days. Should I try and see him then or simply not contact him when I’m in town? I usually always would text him a lot and now I’m not doing anything to reach out so I’m hoping that shows him I’ve really been working on changing myself for the better. Any advice? How do I know if this break up is permanent?

    Thanks.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 6, 2019 at 8:33 pm

      Hey Carol, no you don’t reach out when you’re in town let him wonder why you didnt try to see him. Follow the program and stick to the plan and you will be able to set yourself up with your best chance of getting him back, but you need to take positive action and do what is advice is given, starting with not reaching out or replying to him during no contact.

  17. Avatar

    London

    November 9, 2019 at 4:26 pm

    We were together for five years. I am not even sure who finished the relationship or why We were just at loggerheads about alot of things and both of us feeling that the other was completely unagreeable and in the wrong and should apologise I am on day 35 of a 45 day no contact. I have heard nothing (and am still blocked on whatsapp ) however my child (who he is step parent to) has maintained contact with him and has been out to eat with him and he has bought her a nice present. I am hoping that his maintaining normality for my daughter is his way of keeping the door open for the relationship to be rekindled (plenty of men close the door on children when they close the door on mum, right?) On the one hand he is stubborn and fearful of rejection. But on the other hand I am worried that I am assuming he still cares for me because he still cares for my child, when realistically it could be that he is just a decent guy who understands that none of this is my daughters fault, yet he is happier alone. The more time that passes the better I feel about myself, my life and him as a person, and the more I wonder if I’ve missed the window period to reach out?! Should I continue no contact for the next 10 days for best chance of success?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 9, 2019 at 8:21 pm

      Hi London yes continue your NC to day 45 and reach out to him as a friend, I know you are blocked certain medias, but you can reach out with a normal text, not using whatsapp? Or even a facebook messenger. Just make sure you do not speak aboutmissing him, the relationship or the break up

  18. Avatar

    Casey

    November 8, 2019 at 12:08 am

    Hi Chris, my ex and I were exclusively dating for five months. 3 weeks ago, he suddenly asked to have space after we had some unhappiness and I agreed. He told me he would like to see me have changes and to observe each other for the time being. I’ve been having insecurities in the rshp as I just had a failed marriage not too long ago. He has been v sweet and loving with me and he took the effort to prioritize me, meeting me every weekend. We do call each other endearingly as well.

    However due to my insecurities, at times I did ‘push’ him away. And there was once I came to know he added new girls in his Instagram and went to meet them. He claimed it was common friend. When he added another new girl just three weeks ago, I confronted him of it and cox of the unhappiness we had, it was the last straw that he mentioned for ‘back to friends’.

    Nonetheless, he did ask to meet one week later but it was the first time he left after lunch. I knew he was meeting someone new already and that day we had abit of unhappiness as well that I broke down. We didn’t speak for one week after. I had wanted to try NC, however as it was his bday on 28/10, I decided to text him to celebrate for him. He had already prev last expressed his interest to celebrate with me on actual day one week back.

    On his bday, we went for lunch at this nice place. I dressed my best and smiled my best cox I knew most likely he would not wana ensue the rest of the day with me. We did talk during lunch but he was engaged in his phone a lot during lunch, as prolly he was receiving a lot of bday wishes. After lunch, he said he wanted to head home (which I didn’t believe but I accepted and prepared for this day cox I just wanted to leave a good memory). Afterwhich when he left , I dropped him a text and sent him our pictures taken – I said to him “wishing him happiness and the best and said that if come dec if he doesn’t have a gf yet, hope he may also help celebrate my bday as a friend. I told him to take care and placed a happy emoticon. Cox I just wanted to end things in a positive note.

    Later on at the same time, I posted in our own personal fb (just for the both of us that we created). I told him too that – “thank u for the wonderful journey so far and I sincerely appreciate that even if it was a short celebration I was glad to spend with him”’

    He never replied since then on 28/10. I tot he would at least respond. My cushion and shoes are still in his car which he didn’t reach out for me to take back.

    One day later. He posted in Instagram suddenly of his bday celebration pic. He seldom posts in ig only once awhile. He wrote a caption of something very sad , and ending off thanking the ‘new girl’ (with her name initial) for the photo credit. My heart sank when I saw the pic.

    Ever since then I’ve been doing NC, and signed up for new classes as well. Cox I’ve been so down last two weeks that it dragged my soul. I’m not sure in this case should I continue to do NC although he was the one who didn’t reply. I’m not hoping for anything but at the v least to ‘end things’ positively. Pls kindly advise thank u!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 8, 2019 at 9:32 pm

      Hey, you’re doing the right thing but sometimes these things will take time. So keep doing the same things you are and posting positively to your social media. This means when he does think about you and checks up on you he will see that you are doing great without him in your life, after you NC you can reach out to him but do so as a friend who you’re getting to know agian. Do not expect to pick up where you left off

  19. Avatar

    Esther

    November 1, 2019 at 2:30 am

    Hi Chris. My boyfriend and I were together for 14 months, being in contact 24/7 by messaging, occasional calls and meetups once or twice a week (he lives about 2 hours away from me so not too close). I am 21, he is 20. We became very close and also kind of co-dependent, and the relationship had issues but now that we’re apart I’ve realised it’s him I truly want to be with and I’m willing to try and do what it takes to see if I can get him back. Well, his parents are kind of traditional and according to what he told me they never liked me and the fact that he was dating me, he said it’s not really personal they just don’t support him having a girlfriend as he “needs to experience the world and other girls” before he eventually settles down. He lives at home with his family. So about 1 month ago he started messaging shorter than usual, was colder and didn’t show as much affection as he used to. We still hung out but I could feel that something was different, like he wasn’t really there. Like he wasn’t worried anymore that much if he lost me (he used to be really overprotective anxious about other guys potentially interacting with me and stuff). I confronted him about his behaviour change a couple times but he usually stayed with nonchalant face and said he’s alright. There were also some unkind comments from him. He told me a couple weeks ago on the phone which we regularly talked on that his parents are blaming him not being home enough on me and that it’s my fault he’s always gets home late, blah blah and his mum even kept asking him “why are you still with her, you should not be in a relationship” etc. even though I never even met them. They never even knew when he came over or slept at my house because he left his phone at his friends house on which his parents apparently installed a device to see where he is. So he kept lying a lot to his parents when he met up with me and had to make up stories. A week ago he messaged me out of the blue saying he’s sorry but he needs some space and that he doesn’t know yet for how long but he just needs to be alone… so we stopped talking for the first time in 14 months but it wasn’t yet a breakup as all he said he just needed space.. I already had a really bad feeling though and from that day I had no appetite, I fell apart and got frequent urges to break down. I had no idea how long his “space” will be, he was never even a space person he always liked to be in touch. Well, it lasted 1,5 day and the next evening he called me and we were on the phone for 3 hours. He said he can’t take it anymore and wants to tell me the things that have been on his mind.. he said his overthinking and anxiety about our relationship has been getting really bad to the point where he overthinks every little text message I send him when we talk, and also said he “knew he wasn’t quite ready for a relationship” yet even before we started dating but that he fell in love with me at first sight and felt a connection so strong he wanted to make me his… but that he thinks he’s “immature” and that it’s about him and not about me, he said he also thinks “he’s not the best thing for me”. So I asked him what he wants and he said it might be best if we go our separate ways. We both cried towards the end he said he wanted it to be a mutual agreement but I definitely didn’t want it and he knew it. He even said he loved me and that it wouldn’t affect that.. also asked me during the breakup conversation that if we were to run into each other in a few years and started talking would I give things another chance. I said maybe, as couple years is a lot of time. I’ve been thinking a lot if what he said was the truth, or those reasons were just a cover for something else he didn’t wanna hurt me more with.. he could’ve lied to me he’s good a thing lying to his parents. I’m thinking maybe he lost attraction for me and didn’t wanna be with me and/or found someone else.. when we hung up for the last time afterwards I sent him one more message saying I love him and then the next day since we didn’t yet remove each other off each other’s Facebook it tortured me seeing him online constantly and not talking to me so I sent him another message the next day in the evenings saying I think it’s for our own good if we don’t see each other’s stuff at all.. then as soon as he saw the message I blocked him on Facebook but we agreed we would leave each other our phone numbers just in case for the future. Then he sent me one last response on SMS saying yes he thinks that might be best too and told me to take care of myself. I didn’t respond. After that we had no contact andIt’s been 5 days now haven’t heard anything from him have no idea how he is or what’s happening with him I really want to just reach out and ask him.. but I read about no contact and decided I would do it.ive also realised this is the guy I want to be with and I want to try and get him back… what do you think in my situation? I really want this guy as I love and miss him, how should I go about getting him back? I’ve been in no contact for 5 days now he still hasn’t reached out but don’t know how long i should do it as i don’t want him to move on from me either. Sorry about the long post I would really appreciate your advice. Thank you Esther

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 9, 2019 at 12:45 am

      Hey Esther, so your ex is not going to forget about you within the 30 days of No Contact but if you want to follow this process it really is necessary, make sure you read through all the relevant information to your situation on this website, making sure you know what you need to be doing during your No Contact too

  20. Avatar

    Louise

    October 26, 2019 at 2:04 pm

    Hi,
    My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me 2 months ago as we had been going through a really rough patch due to how I had unsupportive and selfish I was behaving around a new job he had taken. We have always very in love and had planned out our lives together with friends and family and ourselves included thinking we would get married. However in the last few months the stress of the new job and my behaviour put immense strain on us and after a few months he cracked and said we needed to break up because we weren’t making each other happy and were on different life paths. I was devastated but decided to address my behaviour straight away and began having therapy to address why I had behaved in this way. I didn’t contact my ex but live around the corner from each other and after 1 week we ran into each other and spoke briefly where I told him that I was going to therapy. After seeing him I still didn’t contact him but bumped into him again on week 3 and week 5 where we had longer conversations. He told me that he misses me a lot and isn’t finding this easy but that after being together from 19-25 he feels he needs some time alone. We agreed to meet to properly talk at 7 weeks, we met and spent the whole day together and I was able to tell him everything I have learnt in therapy and why I previously acted as I did and why I know it won’t happen again now I confronted my issues. He listened and said he still loves me but mentally just isn’t there to be in a releationship with me and doesn’t know if and when that will change and so doesn’t want me to wait for him because it’s unfair. At the same time he admitted he could see a potential future for us but that he just doesn’t know right now and knows he needs to be on his own. I love him more than anything and this time apart has proved to me more than ever that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Since meeting 2 weeks we have sent 2 messages just to address some life things that were happening but it has been clear he doesn’t want to chat. Would you recommend beginning no contact now and even though it’s already been 2 months apart with some contact and a meet up?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 27, 2019 at 10:07 pm

      Hi Louise so I would suggest giving it a full 30 days nc and working on yourself in that time so that you make some positive changes to your life big or small it matters in the sense that it makes you happier in your life. Then when you reach out to him you do not mention the break up the relationship or anything to do with your past. You reach out as friend asking for advice on something you know he is knowledgeable in, or telling him you’ve done something you know he is interested in doing as a hobby or wanted to do one day. The conversations need to be positive short and ending at the peak

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