Today I’m going to show you exactly why guys come back when you ignore them.

In fact, the things that we talk about today have been instrumental in helping me and my team understand why “playing hard to get” works so well on exes.

And I’d like to point something out.

Everything that I’m about to teach you today is based on real life psychological research and has been proven to get results when it comes to getting an ex back.

Let’s begin!

Why Men Come Back After You Ignore Them

If you’re an avid reader of this site you may have heard me talk about a concept called the no contact rule.

It’s one of the most popular strategies for getting an ex back and it’s entire premise is based on the idea of playing hard to get or ignoring your ex. Essentially you ignore your ex for a period of time and by doing so you get all kind of unconscious benefits.

Now, when I was putting this article together I was very tempted to simply talk about a few of my success stories with the no contact rule. However, I’ve written about that multiple times and figured you’d get bored of another article like that.

So, I went further and compiled a list of psychological research on ignoring an ex and what benefits that can bring you.

My research was illuminating as I found three talking points to discuss with you,

  1. How reactance plays a role
  2. Why it’s important to consider the zeigarnik effect theory
  3. The uncertainty effect plays a huge role as well in making a man interested in you

This is going to be an exciting one because I’m going to be talking about things I’ve never talked about before.

Let’s get started.

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1. Ignoring A Man Can Trigger Reactance

This is something you’ll see me talk about a lot with the no contact rule. In fact, I’d say that reactance is why the no contact rule works.

So, what is reactance?

It basically states that human beings are born with inherent behavioral freedoms and when those behavioral freedoms become threatened they “react” in a way to get those freedoms back.

When you ignore your ex you’ll find they come back because they want to reacquire the freedom that they lost.

Now, if you are confused, don’t be.

By ignoring your ex you are taking his behavioral freedom of talking to you away.

This will drive him nuts and will put him in a position where he’ll most likely want to come back or chase you to get the freedom back.

A perfect example of reactance occurs daily in my house with my daughter.

Currently she is three years old which means that routines are very important for her. One of these routines is that she likes a hug and a kiss before she takes a nap or goes to sleep for the night.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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The problem is that getting her to do it is like pulling teeth because she knows that when she has to give the hug and the kiss it’s time for her to sleep and she wants to stay up and play.

So, one thing I’ve been doing to speed the process up is actually telling her that she’ll have to go to bed without a hug and a kiss before she goes. In essence, I’m removing her behavioral freedom of getting the hug and the kiss from the equation.

Without fail she’ll come running to me screaming for her hug and kiss when I do this,

This is reactance in a nutshell.

However, it’s not the only reason “ignoring him only to have him come running back” works.

2. The Zeigarnik Effect Comes Into Play

The Zeigarnik Effect is something that is relatively new to Ex Boyfriend Recovery but it’s something that does a brilliant job of explaining why ignoring men can be effective.

If you don’t know, the zeigarnik effect states that people remember uncompleted tasks better than completed ones.

For our visual learners,

I always like to explain it like this,

Lets pretend you have an uncompleted circle,

You look at this circle and something just annoys you about it.

It’s incomplete and you want nothing more than to just complete it.

Ignoring a man and having them come back is a little like that.

You see, we are drawn to people whose feelings we don’t know yet.

Generally speaking when we know how someone feels it removes mystery from the equation which is fine if enough mystery has already been built but if you tell someone how you feel immediately you aren’t going to be that attractive to them.

By utilizing the the zeigarnik effect you can make sense of why we are drawn to people who don’t tell us their feelings right away.

Uncompleted tasks (like not knowing someones feelings) create curiosity or even sometimes obsession and forces a person to invest more time to “complete the task.”

3. The Uncertainty Principle

This is really where we hit pay dirt in my opinion.

Why?

Because the uncertainty principle can directly help explain what ignoring a guy does to them.

The uncertainty principle states that people are generally more intrigued with uncertainty than certainty.

There’s a reason for why scientists have determined that men and women grew less intrigued by people who responded to their texts right away as opposed to the person who didn’t respond right away.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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It all has to do with uncertainty.

Being uncertain on where you stand with someone creates an interesting dynamic and can even tie directly into what we just talked about with the zeigarnik effect above.

Perhaps the most interesting study I’ve seen on this is the rat study.

What Rats Can Teach Us About Uncertainty

Years ago scientists ran a study on rats.

Specifically trying to measure how rats responded to direct rewards.

Here’s the set up.

Two rats were used in mazes.

One maze was very complex and at the end of the maze was a bit of cheese,

The second rat was placed in a maze that wasn’t complex at all. In fact, the cheese was basically put right in front of the rat,

Traditional thinking would have you believe that the second the rat saw the cheese in the second maze it’d devour it, right?

Shockingly, they found that the opposite was true. In fact, the more certain the reward was the less likely the rat was to devour it.

Why?

Well, the hypothesis is that since the rat knew it could get the cheese at any time it became almost indifferent and uninterested.

Certainty breeds complacency even in rats.

Of course, when scientists created uncertainty by creating a complex maze they found that the rat devoured the cheese immediately upon finding it.

Uncertainty breeds action

This might also explain why “playing hard to get” works in humans.

We tend to cherish that which we have had to work for more than that which is guaranteed.

One Final Study Proving Uncertainty Works

The final study I’d like to talk about is a little closer to home as it doesn’t involve rats or cheese.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Instead, it involves “Facebook.”

Two men were tasked with rating a woman’s Facebook profile on a scale of 1 – 10 with 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest.

One man was instructed to show the women what he rated her profile while the other was told not to.

Scientists wanted to study which of the men she found more attractive.

Turns out that she found the uncertain aspect of not knowing what she was rated more attractive therefore she found the second man more attractive.

Conclusion

Let’s talk about what we covered today.

  • Overall we learned that there are three core principles you need to look at if you ignore your ex
  • The first has to do with reactance
  • The second has to do with the zeigarnik effect which I’ve covered before
  • The final has to do with the uncertainty principle
  • Also, rats can tell us a lot about human behavior

Now, I don’t expect you to have grasped everything I’ve talked about in this article. I expect there to be questions. Luckily, I monitor the comments on this website so if you ask a question you should get an answer.

Don’t be afraid to comment below!

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67 thoughts on “Why Guys Come Back When You Ignore Them”

  1. Kae

    March 10, 2021 at 2:09 pm

    We met online and dated for 2 months after meeting in person then were in a relationship the third month. During that time he would engage in gaslighting sometimes when we had a fight, which I know is very unhealthy, then he would always apologize. Once I caught him lying or hiding something and I almost broke things off but he asked to start over so I gave him another chance. Then a couple weeks ago I found out he has been lying about something bigger and important to me, since day one. I gave him the chance he asked for to talk it out but he blew up at me that night and blamed me, etc so I broke things off and walked away. The next day I left all his stuff on his porch and called him that night and he was very mean to me so I hung up and haven’t talked to him since. This is day 12 of no contact now and he has only texted twice this whole time. Once 5 days in to say it’s been hard on him and that he’s sorry and once yesterday to say thanks because I mailed something of his back to him a week ago. That’s all. It hurts because I thought he’d come after me and he had taken me to meet his parents (went very well), he said he has never had anyone like me, etc, so I thought he felt something too. He’s an emotional guy that cries often and had tears in his eyes when I broke up with him. He’s not used to having a woman leave him or not put up with bs from him. I did it so he will see that he can’t just treat me however and expect me to stay, and I’m not breaking no contact. If he cares he will come after me. It hurts like hell but I’m doing the right steps. Posting fun things, etc and we have 2 mutual guy friends on FB but I blocked him from mine. Yes I’m working on myself too. We won’t see each other anywhere in our daily lives so there’s no chance of running into him. I put myself back into some FB dating groups but haven’t gone on a date yet. Just not interested in anyone. Any ideas on anything else I can do please? It hurts so much! Please and thanks for any help! Oh and I was his first relationship in 3 yrs but he was sleeping with random women during that time. I took everything slow and made him wait for physical stuff and to be exclusive, made him wait for a commitment, etc. I did everything right.

  2. Jamie

    February 5, 2021 at 10:06 am

    Hiya! Would greatly appreciate some advice as I’m lost. My ex and I have started seeing each other again after being broke up almost 2 years. We have been meeting up since December and sleeping together. His communication is awful and the last few weeks he is barely texting me at all. I seem to be the one who contacts him. I asked him the other day what was wrong and he freaked out saying he’s tooo busy in work and doesn’t have the time for me right now and that this is the way it’s going to be. So I gave him what he wanted. Within 6 hours he contacted me saying he was so sorry for overreacting and that he does care for me. So we met and chatted and he gave me the option to walk or stay and I said I would stay. He said he isn’t rushing into anything right now and since then I haven’t heard from him at all? I’m so lost as to what to do as I’m crazy about him

  3. Nic

    November 22, 2020 at 2:48 pm

    Hi,

    I’ve been dating/seeing this guy for 2.5yrs. The relationship has been a slow burner. He appears to have attachment issues and I’m an emotional person. I got to the point where I was frustrated and becoming impatient. He says he cares about me and toward the end started to open up more. However I became slightly agitated following his poor communication and lost my temper a bit over a text purely because he was ignoring me.
    Following that he started to pull away then eventually cut contact. He hasn’t been in touch and I’m breaking my heart.
    I love him and it hurts, I have stopped all contact but would like the chance to understand where things went wrong. What should I do

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 13, 2020 at 8:02 pm

      Hey Nic, I understand it is hard when you did not want the relationship to end, you need to understand that his issues were not about you, they were his own issues and unless he works on himself then this is who and how he always will be in any future relationships too. If you want him back, then you need to complete a 30 day no contact and then start reaching out with texts that Chris suggests in his articles.

  4. Lisa

    November 17, 2020 at 12:45 pm

    Hello. My husband and I have been together for 15 years. We have a house and 2 daughters. On November 8th, he announced he didn’t want anything more to do with us and he packed his stuff and left. For the 1st week, I didn’t contact him. Then he contacted me about something stupid and that set me off. Embarrassingly, for the next 4 days, I texted, called and pretty much begged him to come home, which of course pushed him further away. My head is a little clearer now. By starting the no contract rule, and regaining my sanity, I’m hoping he’ll remember we exist and want to come home.

  5. Rochelle

    November 13, 2020 at 2:57 am

    Hello,
    So I met this guy 3 months ago. I get one word replies and he barely talks to me on the phone. When we are together its nice. I dont see him too often due to our schedules and the 45 minute drive. I feel like i make all the effort to see him but he doesnt make hardly any at all. The other night he said he wanted a long term relationship with me, but then last night I asked him if he could text/call me more because I think communication is good in dating/relationships. like i said he has one word responses to me. I asked him if he really wanted something with me. I told him I didnt want to be hurt. he hasnt responded. so i said sorry for sounding so pushy, ill give you your space. maybe text me hi, but ill be here if you need anything. still nothing. not sure what to do.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 13, 2020 at 9:24 pm

      Hi Rochelle, seeing how its a short term thing, I would say that he is showing his level of interest in you and that he is not having to do any of the work. You need to pull back and start showing him that you are not chasing him for his attention anymore that he needs to start making the effort to speak or see you.

    2. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 13, 2020 at 9:24 pm

      Hi Rochelle, seeing how its a short term thing, I would say that he is showing his level of interest in you and that he is not having to do any of the work. You need to pull back and start showing him that you are not chasing him for his attention anymore that he needs to start making the effort to speak or see you.

  6. Amy

    November 12, 2020 at 9:36 pm

    Hi there,
    My situation is strange and I dont understand what to do – hope you can help.

    I was friends with this guy and we talked ever so often, until he started going through a lot of problems and I started reaching out to see if he’s okay. I helped him get through these problems as a shoulder to lean on. After a couple of months we started talking everyday and I felt he liked me and he wanted me to open up to him too but I was quite reluctant and only mentioned a few things about my past as I have trust issues. We both became very busy over the next few weeks and didn’t talk much.

    He called me and told me he didn’t want to pursue me anymore because I wasn’t opening up and he felt I wasn’t reciprocating any feelings. I talked about how I felt and I decided I would be more open and as we both said we felt something was there we decided to become exclusive.

    The next day he called me and said he wasn’t able to commit and he has too much going on his life and I’m the lowest priority and he doesn’t want this. I agreed but still reached out a few times after this conversation where his responses were late and short although he was live on other social media. I then stopped reaching out and went cold. He then asked me if he has done something to anger me, I said no and said I was busy. A week later of not talking he replies to my Instagram story where I replied hours later saying thanks. Two weeks later he sends me a random snap which I ignored.

    Today he messaged me asking if i was free for a chat as he needed some advice and felt I could help. I was giving late replies and said I can talk in the evening (as we haven’t had a conversation properly in over a month or so). He called me later on and explained the situation where I gave some advice and he said he would think over it. I sent a reassuring message after saying he can reach out if need be where he said thanks.

    I’m not sure if he has come back as he regrets his decision on leaving or if he is just using me as someone for emotional support?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 24, 2020 at 10:32 pm

      Hi Amy, I would say as long as you do not allow yourself to fall into the friendzone you can keep texting, but be sure that you read some articles from Chris to help you understand what the peak end is and how to keep him investing in talking to you. Its positive that he reached out to you asking for advice for something he trust you with – this is one of the texts we suggest here at EBR!

  7. Ami

    November 12, 2020 at 4:00 pm

    Hi there, so my ex boyfriend broke up with me two weeks ago- I tried everything I even begged and he wanted to know nothing about trying again- he is not in a good place and also Covid really messed up our relationshoip! we were living together I was only suppose to move out on November 20, but Three nights ago while he was at gym I packed up all my stuFf and left him a beautiful note! He sent me a message the same night saying” I really want to say goodbye please let me know when you are up to it. Thank you for my beautiful note.will love you forever. Let me know when we can see each other again” I ignored the message, I feel like I needed to take control- especially because I do want hil back but I wlso want him to miss me and wondwr why am I not replying- I also don’t understand why he wants to say goodbye! Am i on the right track to not reply?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 12, 2020 at 5:12 pm

      Hi Ami, yes it is the right thing to do not to reply to his message. Stick with your No Contact for 30 days and work on yourself in that time. He needs to feel the loss of not having you in his life anymore.

  8. Kristi

    November 8, 2020 at 11:47 am

    We hit it off quickly. He brought up relationships and future plans while I remained weary.
    He’s the worst texter but when I’m with him I see him answer his phone…
    He started just responding when he felt like it. When he finally got back to me at 10:30PM, with 4 messages in a row, I made sure my read receipts were on and ignored him for the night. Is this wrong of me? As soon as I started expressing my feelings back to him the texts/calls slowed down. Should I keep this up? Should I just reallllly back up or am I over-reacting?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 8, 2020 at 6:14 pm

      Hi Kristi, I would say that you match his efforts, if he is slow replying you take your time. If he is putting little effort into the conversation you match the little efforts

  9. Lori

    October 26, 2020 at 3:58 am

    I’ve been talking to this guy since late August. Things started really slow, then picked up and when we got to September he started to pull back, went days before replying to my messages but as soon as I do it back he obviously can’t take it but he acts like its no big deal but I can tell it is. I’m aware that he had a relative in the hospital and I let him know he can talk about it, I’d be there. I obviously like him but the uncertainty of what he wants from me is so annoying. I don’t want to look desperate and he already knows I like hi. To me he doesn’t communicate enough and thats a big deal for me. I feel like I should leave him alone for good but I honestly don’t like giving up.

  10. annah

    October 7, 2020 at 12:18 am

    Hi dear, I met this guy a month ago we went for coffee, it was nice, drop me off at home later send a message that he is safe at home after the 3rd day he blocked me without saying a word…

    a month later he called I missed the calls twice I replied talked for a few minutes my air got finish,he didn’t call back at all.

    Later the night I saw that he unblocked me on What’sapp with a message saying “HI I FIXED MY WHATSAPP” me answering by “ITS OK SIR TANX” him after 10min “JUST FOR YOUR INFORMATION IM STILL INTRESTED IN YOU PLS” me i read the message and he saw but didn’t respond because I don’t know what to say?

    We never kissed or he even never told me that he was intrested in me…but I quest and assumed him driving 3hrs just to meet me have coffee and drive back again meant something….

  11. Hannah

    October 2, 2020 at 7:16 am

    Hi,

    My boyfriend and I are on a break right now because of stress issues and bickers and covid. He said he still wants to talk during this break and I’m afraid if I don’t message him, he won’t message me. I’ve ignored him for 24 hours. Will he start to chase me again?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 2, 2020 at 8:19 am

      Hi Hannah, since he asked for the break, wait for him because he needs to feel that you are not going to chase him or sit around waiting for him. As upsetting as it is, you need to prepare yourself for the “break up”. Make sure that you are composed and show no emotion when he ends things, and also tell him that you agree that you think the relationship should be over. – This is to throw him to wonder why you agree that he is not someone you want to be with and change the power in the break up. You then need to go into a 30 day No Contact

  12. Joanna

    September 9, 2020 at 9:39 am

    Hi there.
    I recently met a man who lives in the same building as me, our kids are friends. I had NEVER even noticed him before until I actually went to his door to thank him for taking my kid along on a fun day out with his kids.
    We were immediately attracted to one another and it was instant that we ended up sleeping together.
    At the time, neither of us was physically looking for a relationship, he even came to my birthday party, we messaged each other constantly and the sex was great.
    However, I did not want a casual fling and I actually started liking him besides the sex.
    When I told him this, I also said I want to take a step back from the whole situation as something casual is not what I want.
    He respected that decision, but what I want to know is, will this man still be thinking about me? By me not being so available to him, does it bother him at all?
    I have been my normal, happy self, and not let on any bad or negative feelings.
    He sent me a message saying he was sorry and didn’t realise what I felt for him was so deep and I responded by saying its no big deal.
    I also want to know how this makes him feel or react? How will he treat me from now on? Is it possible to remain friends? Will he be more attracted to me and is there a better chance he could change his mind about wanting to be in something deeper with me.
    Mostly, should I just let it go and carry on and not be bothered about this at all anymore?
    Thanks so much

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 25, 2020 at 7:05 pm

      Hi Joanna, so I think he would be taken back by the fact that you said it was nothing serious and then you changed your mind – which is something that happens often in a friends with benefits / causal. Situation. I would say that you need to give him a chance to process what you have told him and you may find that he is going to reach out to you to see if you are open to being friends and talking with him again. If you want a relationship with this guy however, you need to read the articles to help you understand how the program works, starting with a period of no contact

  13. Natali Navarro

    August 13, 2020 at 3:24 am

    Hello. I will start by saying that I would love you to give me a legitimate answer and for you to know I am telling you my issue how it is. I’m not changing anything. I am being very honest. So I met the man of my dreams almost 2 years ago. He suddenly had A huge jealousy attack for no reason. Eventually for no reason at all he started with jealousy issues that became more frequent. The whole time he has always treated like a queen, but it has become something unbearable. I have spoken to him many times (atleast10), and have not given in to the disrespect Not once. I have always forgiven him and always stayed silent till he cools off. I have been a great woman and finally after all his threats of leaving me in every fight, I had enough. I left to my moms house and did not come back. he picked up some of his stuff and left to his moms after he saw I was ignoring his calls and messages. I only answered on and it read: ok. You will respect me. I’m those jealousy attacks he accuses me of the most repugnant and humiliating things. Last time he got out of hand. I am planning to completely ignore him. How long should I do this for? Is there any other advice you can give me? I’m in love with him and him with me but I’m not willing to take another disrespect.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 14, 2020 at 10:08 pm

      Hey there Natali, it sounds as if your ex has some real issues with trust, and needs to seek some professional advice from someone on how to work on those emotions. Until he has better trust and self esteem then I am afraid he wont change the way he is. I would suggest that you follow a 45 day No Contact and be strict with that, doesn’t matter if he calls and texts. You need to ignore him so he can see that you are being serious about breaking up while he behaves this way.

  14. Mad

    June 11, 2020 at 6:24 am

    I was living with a guy for 5 months at my house. Then, when I moved in with him during quarantine to his house, it ruined everything… I was doing wife stuff for him at this point (cooking, cleaning, feeding the kids, giving them baths etc) And he never asked me to be his girlfriend. I’m 24 and he’s 25.
    I up and moved out… when I left he literally didn’t say one word to me when I was packing… then started texting me here and there. A month after I moved out I asked him if he wanted to hangout and his response was “yes, but we can’t date”.
    I clearly got upset about that.. I went over there ended up drinking a little too much and started crying.. telling him I love him and how hard the last month has been for me. The next thing I know is he’s sitting there crying too. Telling me he does care about me.. and even though he’s never said those 3 words (I love you) doesn’t mean he doesn’t have those feelings. So I assume he has to care a little? He’s not the manipulating type… he actually is a guy who’s more in tune with his emotions. But sucks at expressing them. the next day I woke up and left. We exchanged a few texts but he was the one who ended up not replying. I stopped reaching out and stopped posting to my social media. I’m someone who’s always on social media so I’m sure he thinks that’s weird. He ended up calling me 5 times on Friday (5 days after our night together), 5 times on Monday, 11 times Tuesday and some texts asking if I’ll say something. BUT no texts or calls on Wednesday. Do they give up ?? Or will they continue to keep reaching out? I’m sure he’s in a “shocked state” because I just told him I loved to him and we both cried then me giving no contact, no social media, don’t answer any calls or texts. I want him to continue to reach out…. but when do they stop? Honestly I fall back into a sad pit when I don’t hear from him because I do truly love him.

  15. Stephanie

    June 2, 2020 at 3:25 am

    Hi does this stuff work on guys you have just been seeing for a few months (not exclusive)

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 3, 2020 at 9:41 pm

      Hi Stephanie, it will work as long as you are working to be Ungettable and showing him what he lost by walking away. Stick to the program starting with your No Contact

  16. Janet

    May 26, 2020 at 5:50 pm

    My Ex messaged me reaching out a week after the break up, checking to see if I was okay. Telling me to stay well and safe. Also telling me well done because I am currently getting through my degree course work and to keep it up. I did not respond but I feel so badddd for not responding. My fear is that he may not reach out again because I ignored him. I know I did the right thing but again I feel so bad

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 29, 2020 at 5:04 pm

      Good on you Janet! Sticking to No Contact can be difficult when they reach out! Keep up the good work

  17. Alexia

    April 26, 2020 at 5:05 pm

    This neighbor and I have some sort of strong chemistry feeling. We had this ever since July when we first moved here. There had been a few times he ignores me and ghost me. I understood why. But I am thinking great. Time to move on from this. Well when I ignore him infront of him. His emotions gets the best of him. He starts doing things to get my attention. After he does that, now he is acting neighborly and like nothing happened. My friends think I should ignore him completely. If I do that, he will try to ignore me. Not sure how long he will be like that until he cannot stand it anymore.

  18. Linda carpanzano

    April 17, 2020 at 6:54 pm

    Hi there so basically I dated a guy 13 years ago. We broke up and he was with someone for the past 13 years but always kept in touch. When she dumped him he was devastated and I thought I was a rebound but I thought because we always kept in touch that maybe it was meant to be? We lost it a year-and-a-half and broke up this December. Basically for that same reason that I didn’t think he was ready. I did no contact for about a month and slowly started answering when he was contacting me. He was showing up at my house, delivering food, bringing me coffees and calling me daily on video. We got intimate a few times last week. Somebody told me he was on Tinder and the other day this girl called his phone like 5 times in a row. To me that does not seem like a friend. He said it was just a friend and that they never fooled around. I was grossed out because we were intimate and I don’t think she is just a friend if she is running down his phone when he ignores the calls. Basically my point was that the amount of effort he was putting in, I thought nobody else was in the picture or maybe he was having a change of heart. I had to leave because he had to pick up his mother. The next morning he said good morning and I ignored it. Then he messaged me saying if I was going to talk to him but I ignored it. Then he sent me some funny Tik Tok video and I ignored it. I wasn’t trying to be rude I just was so annoyed and not ready to communicate or have something turn into an argument again. Did I do the right thing? Can no contact work now? Or is it just a slap in the face after an argument to not respond? I’m 38th and he is 39 by the way

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 21, 2020 at 11:50 pm

      Hi Linda, I would say that you did the right thing to get some space while you are mad but you are not in a relationship so he is able to be on these dating sites etc, IF you want to be exclusive you need to have that conversation where you explain where you both sit and tell each other what you want going forward. If he tells you he wants friends with benefits then you have to accept that he is going to be on tinder etc. If you want a relationship with this guy you need to stop being intimate until you are offical

  19. Chelsea

    April 7, 2020 at 3:10 am

    Hi Chris

    My ex and I were together for over a year. He’s 29 I’m 27 but I was his longest relationship, the first person he brought to meet his family, I even spent Christmas there, his friends and family told me they never met or even heard of any of his girlfriends before. We also didn’t fight much. Although he never told me he loved me, so one day I was tipsy in a bar alone with him and just came out and asked him if he loved me.. He responded a cold hard no, I was devastated, I ran out the bar crying. He is a dismissive avoidant so uncomfortable + emotional conversations and him don’t mix. He never reached out, so about a week later I did, asking whats going on. He told me he went to his parents to self-isolate (a small town) And he said that he enjoyed our time together, that he really likes me and he’s sorry that he was never able to develop those feelings, and how he was shocked when they didn’t, that I can pick my things up when he’s back. I know he’s on dating apps, and he hasn’t initiated conversation since. So I sent him a message yesterday of a video stating I think he would like it. It was a mutual light hearted video we both shared a common interest in the topic ( lord of the rings). He responded a day later with “haha thats funny.” I felt it wasn’t really enough substance to respond to, I’m glad he did because I do want him back but I think it was best to ignore it? And maybe go NC for a while? Hoping that maybe he will initiate conversation eventually. Do you think this approach is effective? Or should I just let go.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 10, 2020 at 12:03 pm

      Hi Chelsea so to follow this process you need to start with a NC of 30 days, work your Holy Trinity and then start your texting phase (day 31) where you have short positive conversations with your ex, that you end first. While the text about LOTR was good and he responded positively, it is important that you complete a NC first and then reach out with something that is going to get him talking to you.

  20. Blair

    February 11, 2020 at 7:32 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I met this guy last year and basically we were close for a whole year, throughout that year he would occasionally state that he didn’t want a relationship so we kept it as friends but he would always make it seem like more than what it was since the beginning I cannot lie, I was treating everything like a relationship ,well since last month I’ve noticed that he’s been messing with his ex. She’s cheated on him and broke up with him plenty of times. Anyway I’ve decided to back away and distance myself without ever stating that I was, I could tell he notices it but isn’t saying anything. I’m trying the no contact the best I know how but sometimes feel like I’m about to give in to texting him. What should I do? Help please

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 12, 2020 at 9:49 pm

      Hi Blair, if you want your guy to invest in you then backing off is the best option. But if he is fooling around with his ex again I would NC him until that is over with again and work on becoming Ungettable so that you look like the better option when she starts to go back to her old ways.

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