She Got Him Back After Contacting HIM First After The No Contact Rule!

Will the No Contact Rule Work for You?

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I don’t know why but it seems like so many women out there like to challenge the fact that I recommend that they contact their ex after the no contact rule first.

You’d think I would have asked them to sacrifice their first born with all the crazy looks I get.

Kelly was certainly in that group of people who thought that “A MAN” should always contact first.

Oh, perhaps I should back up a second and explain the fact that Kelly is in the Private Facebook Group so my team and I helped her out a lot with her situation. And for the most part she was excellent at implementing the advice we gave her.

There was just one “itty bitty” bump in the road.

She refused to text her ex first…

Here’s what she had to say about the whole thing,

And then I started battling with myself. I went back out and started looking other sites and they’re like don’t you ever text first.

It was at this point that my team and I calmly explained to her all of the benefits of texting first,

  • How you can approach the conversation with a plan
  • How you can come at it from a position of strength
  • How he’s probably dying to hear from you.

And guess what?

All of what we had told her was confirmed when she got him back.

This is Kelly’s story,

Watch Kelly’s Success Story Here

Interview Transcript:

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Alright, I have a feeling Kelly this is going to be one of the best interviews I’ve ever done because you are a part of the private Facebook group, you’ve gotten your ex back. You’re pretty much the exact kind of person I think everyone listening would want to hear from but I’m eager to hear like how did you find me. Let’s create a time like from start to finish. What happened with your situation?

Kelly

Kelly

Hey Chris! I was in a situation where I am a single mother right now and I have just been in a relationship that broke up. I guess I can explain that to you just a little bit but I was devastated and I had already talked to my friends, my family, and basically all of them told me, “You just need to walk away. Oh well, forget it. Move on.” And I couldn’t figure out why, what happened? I surfed the internet, I Googled in–I have to say, I think Googled in something about exboyfriend and I got your website.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Good start so far!

Kelly

Kelly

I mean right? Obviously you paid well for the Google searches so, it popped right up and I was so impressed. I was like, “Oh my gosh! There’s actually a website on this.” because I’ve never searched anything like that. What caught my eye was the quiz.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

For those of you who don’t know, if you go to the website, there’s a quiz on the website. The first is like, what are your chances of getting your ex back. I put this quiz together which I’m assuming is the one you saw.

Kelly

Kelly

Correct and what I was impressed about it was the kind of questions you asked about the length of the relationship, how you broke up.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

It seems like I was trying to get somewhere as opposed to like one of those quizzes you see on Facebook or something that just gives you the generic answer right?

Kelly

Kelly

Yes, like what is horoscope’s on, something like that. This one actually was asking some details. Is it long distance I think you asked something about kids, did you share kids together so, I was very impressed about that. Because I thought, “Oh my gosh! actually it might give something somewhat of an accurate result.”

But I messed a couple of times and I almost like you do with playing in Vegas. I did it a couple of times. I want to see if my answer got better. So, I did do it and then of course I received your email from that and it intrigued me. I was also very fascinated because I’m like, “Oh my gosh! Look at all this articles!”

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Quite a few articles on that website. It’s like 5 years worth of articles.

Kelly

Kelly

Just searching, because I’m trying to find something similar to my situation. So, that got me intrigued and then I can’t remember but somehow I got either another email that says quickly join this webinar and so that’s when I joined and I got to see who you were. I got to see the conversations that were going on and when in the webinar you mentioned not only what you get in the book.

You also started talking about there is an approach, there is an approach to working back and maybe resolving this relationship. So, it gave me some hope because I had been told by all of my friends and family, walk away, move on. And then when that happened, then there was the piece in there you mentioned about the Facebook page and you get help.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

So, she’s talking, if you’re listening and like, “What the heck is Facebook page?”. She’s talking about the private Facebook group that you get if you buy the premium version of exboyfriend recovery pro and Kelly has been like one of the most active members. I’ll stop interrupting you but what is your thoughts on exboyfriend recovery pro and the private Facebook group?

Kelly

Kelly

Well, I’ll tell you. The book is fantastic. From end to end, if you lay out exactly what you need to do, when you’re in that kind of emotional state though, where I was–because I was like, you know as mentioned, no contact. That’s the first stage because the book is what, 400 pages long.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

It’s a really long book.

Kelly

Kelly

I’m still trying to even go through my mind of no contact, why no contact? So then the Facebook page was phenomenal because everyone is posting which is so private too which also I liked.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

So, no one else outside of the Facebook can see anything you post.

Kelly

Kelly

Right and I didn’t believe at first. So, of course I asked the group.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Everyone asks that. We have a girl in there named Mirka. She was like freaking out the first time we had done this and now, that we’ve sort of, we made the private Facebook group sort of closed of and only the select members can–she’s always the one that handles those people that like say, “Can my ex see this?” Before I even have a chance, she’ll be saying, “No, we’ve already been over this.” She’s done it like 50 different times with 50 different members. I’m wondering if she did it to you.

Kelly

Kelly

She answered my question. That was the first thing I was concerned about and then of course I just lurked and watched and it was so comforting to see what everyone is going through because you started to get to know people, you started to get to know their situation and you felt like you had your friends and then at the same time, your wife, kindly, was responding at times to specific questions but then other members were responding.

So, when you’re in this kind of constant, you’re going through this no contact and you’re trying to reconcile everything going on in your mind, that is the best support group because it’s silent, it’s quite. You know what I mean? It’s in your private space. That’s what I needed, was my private space. No one else knew about it and I could go there and I felt like I was supported, as well as, you know, misery loves company.

So, that to me, the Facebook page was a life saver. In addition to all the materials but the Facebook page was the biggest support out of all of it because also then it gave us contact. I know you come in periodically but with Jen and then just seeing go through their stages and you learn from it too. I learned a lot.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

So, Kelly knows a lot of the, sort of the more prevalent members–and there’s always a prevalent members who keep showing up and on top of my head, the girl with the baby. So, like we know, like all of this situations and everything.

My wife she’s a constant presence there. I’m always jumping in to help people and all doing the Facebook live which is sort of just like the webinar except it’s just a q and a version where I just sit there and literally try to do as many questions as I possibly can. I always say I’m going to do it for like 30 minutes but I always end up there for like an hour.

I think you’ve attended almost every single one. Sometimes you’re like at work or something but I remember yesterday I did one that you attended.

Kelly

Kelly

Yes, and I love those because I can sit there and listen. I got my headphones on at work. I can listen and again, it’s like a conference call. Everyone’s on and you’re reading up the questions and because of that, like I said, I learned. My situation is different. Everyone else’s different but then there’s something about their situation that you can learn from, if not now, later.

It’s just very real and again it really helps you get through it when you’re just trying to struggle through with what’s going on in your life. As you know, your personal life rides over into every part of your life. I mean it’s a relationship so, that support, you doing those free webinars, the live sessions was always like, “Oh good! Chris is jumping on! I’m going to listen!”

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

And now here you are on the podcast. So, it’s like you get to know me for real now. Alright so, you’re on the Facebook group, obviously you haven’t gotten him back yet. So, take me through sort of what happened, how did you get your ex back?

Kelly

Kelly

Well, mine was not as long as probably some relationships. Ours was only about 3 months and we’re in our 40s and yet he broke up through text like a 15 year old but anyway, I was devastated about it because we didn’t even talk. It was through a text and so, I was struggling with the fact that I was just cut off and your recommendation was the no contact. I had tried to reach out the day that he cut me off through the text and got no response.

So, it wasn’t long after that I found your website and it said no contact and I think I reread and read and read why no contact because I was thinking, “Do I need to just walk away completely?” And all other websites that I saw, all these other boyfriend websites–because I did go out and kind of looked around because is this Chris guy for real? What is this no contact and then I’m going to text him? It’s just crazy.

Am I begging somebody to take me back? And I went to all these other sites and they’re like never, ever go back. Never go back. He should always come running to you. A guy will never take you back. So, that’s what I kept looking at the Facebook page, and I kept reading up the no contact and looking at the reasoning that 1)You got to cool down, 2)-this is my takeaways. So, I got some things that you put on there too.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

So, far so good?

Kelly

Kelly

Which was good. I didn’t have to cool down because we had an argument and then the other thing was work on yourself. I always heard that but what I–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Hearing it and actually doing it are two different things and also, I think when someone says work on yourself, it’s so general right? No one gives you like the exact–in the book I talk about the holy trinity; health, wealth and relationships. Like divide your life into these three aspects. I don’t know if you got to that part or not.

Kelly

Kelly

I did. I went through and started kind of giving myself a check. Where am I on the health? I’d already been working out actually because my ex and I had worked out together but the mental part was what I had to work on. So, I started to realize, I thought mentally, where am I? Do I feel good about me?

So, I needed to get more self acceptance. So, I spent a lot of time on self acceptance. I did a lot more. The things I tried to do for myself to feel good about me and to say, “You know what? No matter what happens, I’m going to be ok.” And so, I spent a lot more time on that. Now, I will say, it took me a couple of weeks because I was in that kind of depression state and I–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Always  does.

Kelly

Kelly

Like you said, what I read I though was fascinating is that’s why it’s so painful when you read about others, how everyone in so much pain, it’s that addiction.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, the addiction. The break ups, the part of the brain that lights up is the same part of the brain that lights up when a cocaine addict is going through a withdrawal period. It’s like going through the exact same symptoms. Maybe not the level of a cocaine addict but you know that’s one of the great things about the Facebook group.

It allows people like you who are maybe a little skeptical about everything to see others struggling through the same exact thing and it sort of makes you realize, “Wow, this is actually normal.”

Kelly

Kelly

Yes, when I started seeing the heartache I’m like, “Ok, I’m not the only one.”

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Trust me, there’s 500,000 people feeling exactly like you are.

Kelly

Kelly

Yes, I feel physically ill and I’m reading their anguish and I’m like, “Oh my gosh! It’s not just me.”

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yes, you lose your appetite.

Kelly

Kelly

And that was great to read about it but then to actually see it occur on a Facebook page so, even though you’re going through it. I’ve spent the time like you said with the no contact, spending a lot of time thinking, “Ok, mine was going to be 30 days.” Because I know you also have 21 and I think 45 but I even emailed in to your group because you would advise send some questions in and I did, I got a response back and they confirmed from your staff, “Hey do the 30 days.”

So, I had my mind. I already had a plan out, 30 days no matter what, I’m focusing on me. And I though I’ll just keep looking at the Facebook page. I’ll touch base. I’ll try to be helpful to others when I feel I can and so that’s where I spent my time. Now, I will say I obsessively was thinking the entire time and then I have to try to catch myself but everyday it was just like an addict. You get up everyday, you go, “This is what I’m going to do to try to make myself feel better and move on and I’m gong to have faith.”

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

You’re sort of reforming your habit pattern. One of the really interesting things and takeaways that I’m having as I interview more and more people who get their exes back is the people who get their exes back are just really excellent at execution. We get so many people who buy the book who understand the process but don’t actually execute it right?

You are excellent at execution. Like you saw health, wealth and relationships and you were like, “Ok, let me divide my life up. I’m doing good here. I need some work there.” You’re really good at execution which is probably why you saw some positive results.

Kelly

Kelly

Well, I hope and I have to say though, I mean I relied a lot on advice from the group. Because what happened is after that, they got to the 30 days and then I freaked because I was like, “Oh my gosh! I’m supposed to send a text.” And then I started battling with myself. I went back out and started looking other sites and they’re like don’t you ever text.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Don’t text him, right.

Kelly

Kelly

Don’t text him but then again I kept listening to you and then I posted. I didn’t usually put a lot of posts. I didn’t about myself.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Before we even like had gotten-before we started the interview, like 30-45 minutes, I actually went through the group and pulled up all of your posts, just so I can kind of familiarize myself with your situations. There’s so many posts there. And I had noticed that you usually would comment on other people’s post and then there were just a few like select times that you actually did a post yourself.

Kelly

Kelly

Yeah, because I just thought I don’t want to sit there and kind of vomit onto the group.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

You didn’t vomit! No, no, no.

Kelly

Kelly

I was trying to learn as I went but then that one time I did, I got responses back that changed everything and it confirmed what you were teaching. One was from your wife and–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

She’s the best advocate I could ever have.

Kelly

Kelly

Yes, I’m telling you and the wonderful thing is the calmness and just being able to be a third party on the outside, “Here’s what we know works. Consider this, this is what we’ve seen–the results that we did.” Like a friend does, you get all wrapped up in somebody’s drama.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

And also friends aren’t necessarily– this is something I always find myself repeating, friends are really great as a support system but they’re not necessarily the best person to advice when it comes to trying to get your ex back.

They’re not like trained in it right? They don’t have any experience with it. They’re just going off on their own experience and it’s not like they understand how to do it. So, they’re not always the best people to turn to for advice. They’re just really great for support. So, that’s what I try to tell people all the time.

Kelly

Kelly

And you’re right and they’re trying to protect you and they really are trying to protect you but at the same time–and that’s why I kept thinking, “Ok, Jennifer and Chris have seen all this instances.” And I also said, you don’t try to judge the ex, you’re trying to go by,”Here’s the behavior we’ve seen and here’s the results we get.” So, that’s where I was trying to go to. I kept thinking, “Ok, I’m going to go by what they’ve seen.”

And when another person posted, another member and they said, 16:39 “Robin, I didn’t hear from my ex either.” Because I didn’t hear anything from my ex. Not a thing. All I heard were crickets. And then that’s why I was like, “I can’t do this. This is going to kill me. If he rejects me again, I’m going to go back into my hole. I can’t deal with the pain.” and Jennifer said just do it. The worst he can do is ignore you.

And then other member wrote and said, “I did it with my ex. I’m back with him because he said he was too stubborn but he had been waiting to hear from me and he missed me and he wanted it all to work out.” And so I thought, “Ok, there’s someone else out there who never heard –just like me. I’m going to try it.” And so, I actually constructed a text. Kind of following your guidelines but I didn’t realize when I originally constructed it, it sounded a little obvious that I missed him. So, Jennifer said no.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Tweak it a little bit.

Kelly

Kelly

It turned totally different though and I’m so glad she did that because I wasn’t even going to ask her.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I’m going to admit something that’s hard for me to admit, when it comes to the text game, she’s a lot better than I am. Some of the texts she comes up, I’m even like wow! And it’s funny too, I use a lot of the texts that she used on me that works, that got me to marry her. So, she’s excellent for that.

Kelly

Kelly

Because she went writing to my original text and said, “No, you need to look a little buys. You need to look like you are doing this but yeah, you were thinking about him.” And I’m telling you what, so I sent the text, and again I was 18:20 some texting rise ,”Ok, I’ve sent this text. Nothing! Nothing! It’s been a whole hour.”

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Right, that happens.

Kelly

Kelly

She’s responding and she’s like Oh you know. I’m not kidding an hour, he responded and it was beyond my expectations. He was basically like “We should have been here and here together. I’ve been waiting to hear from you.” And I was blown away. I’m like what? And it’s like, “Yeah, I’ve been waiting to hear from you.” Now that’s what I didn’t understand Chris. I’m like, “Well, then you could have reached out.”

And that’s what I never understood and he was like, “No, you needed to call me.” and I’m like, “No. You broke up with me.” But in his mind, I had brushed him off that evening and that’s why he sent the text that says we probably needed to move on with other people. He thought I brushed him off. At least that what he says but he truly was going to –finally I got him out of him later. I said were you ever going to text me or call me? And he said, “Well, I was waiting for some situations in my life to change.”

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

No, he wasn’t going to do it. Probably a year later when he has this sort of the grass is greener syndrome. The thing gets in effect and he starts realizing, “I really messed up there.” then he would text you but look what happened. You had the guts to text him and now–so how did it go exactly? Sort of the reconnection talk? Was it pretty quick after that or was it just like one text bam! You’re back in it?

Kelly

Kelly

No, we were back and forth. We tend to joke a lot. So, he immediately started with, “No, you were supposed to come begging for me.” And I knew he was joking and I’m like, “No” and then I happen to be around his office  and he goes, “Let’s do lunch and talk.”

So, we actually went immediately off site and talked and his mindset was the night our argument got out of hand, it should have never gotten out of hand and I said, “But yet, you shut things off.”

And he’s like,”No, I didn’t expect to shut it off forever.” I’m like, “Well, your words said that.” So, he seems to deny it. I don’t know Chris. I don’t know if guys say things at that time and then think, “Well, maybe I didn’t mean that.” I don’t know.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, that definitely happens.

Kelly

Kelly

But his actions shows that he meant because he never reached back out and he did say, “Well, I don’t know if you’re still mad.” And he brought up situations where you know, “Yeah, I thought you might be at this place. So, I went there.” But he didn’t–he’s also introverted. But I don’t know. Now, he was getting busy on some new projects and he said, “I was kind of glad you weren’t around because I was so busy on this projects.” And I don’t know. It just seems like he truly thought I should come back and yet, he’s the one that broke up.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

It’s a weird mentality, I’ll admit and it’s a mentality I had when I met my wife. So, I’ll tell you  a story. When I met my wife, I had this weird mentality that she should text me all the time. Like if she texts me all the time, it means she likes me. She’ll invest more and so I purposely woudln’t text her first. I would literally–there would be like days I would go on walks. I would get so like anxious to hear from her but I was like stubborn.

So, I wanted her to text me. I understood that about myself later which is why I think men have this–I’m not sure why we have that mentality but I think it probably falls into the fact that we’re thinking, if we can get you to invest in us or invest in the text in us, it means that you like us. Men generally just want to feel wanted by women. And honestly, I’m a big proponent of texting first after no contact rule and I realized you’re falling into that category of like, “Why? The man should always chase the woman.”

But I think of it more as like, look, if you can text first, you can control exactly what to say. You can raise your chances of getting him to response to you and then you can cut the conversation off. You’ll hook him in, you’ll get him invested and all of a sudden, you fall of the face of the earth for a day or two. We found just statistics alone, it’s way more powerful to do that. And it goes against the grain completely but hey, it works.

Kelly

Kelly

You know what, I had heard you say it like that before. So, that’s helpful when you say that because I hadn’t thought of it as, when I text after the 30 days, I looked at it more like I’m reaching out for you and begging for you back because in my mind that’s how I’m feeling right. But as you’re putting it, it’s like “No, I’m going to control this conversation.”

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

That’s exactly how you need to approach it.

Kelly

Kelly

If you don’t like it, if you don’t respond, I’m fine. I’m going to move on.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

That’s exactly it.

Kelly

Kelly

I hadn’t heard you say it quite like that so, that’s helpful because I didn’t feel that when I sent the text, I wasn’t like I’m in control. I was kind of like, “I’ve sent in the text. Ok, respond, respond.” But I will say, what’s interesting, and Jen wrote me, she was, “How did you feel?” And you know what because of the 30 days, I wasn’t as upset in the hour that he didn’t respond. I did started getting in that mood, “You’re not going to respond. Heck with you.” I did feel stronger for that reason. So, the 30 days helped with that.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

It’s almost like you have to shift your paradigm when you’re trying to get your ex back and the 30 day no contact rule can definitely help with that because it’s sort of taking the focus off of on him and putting it onto you and it shifts your paradigm. So, that you’re approaching getting him back from a position of strength, as opposed from a position of weakness. Now they always say fake it ’til you make it.

That’s kind of what you did because inside you felt, “Oh wow. I’m begging for him back.” But he probably took it as your approaching this from a position of strenth which probably it would have maybe seem like you were begging for him back if Jen didn’t make the alteration with your text message.

Kelly

Kelly

That’s correct because my message wasn’t like my first one where I’m –it was a little bit more of you could tell I was missing him more instead of “Hey thought of you because of this, this and this.” It was just like “Hey, thought of you.” And then that’s when he came much more forward and since then he’s been coming much more forward.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

It’s interesting, men we found react better to women who approach things from a position of strength. Why? Because it means the woman is of high value. So, a woman of high value is a woman who’s different than the rest. So, he wants to find a woman that is “ungettable” girl which is a phrase I coined years ago and somehow. There’s a clothing brand now that ripped it off.

Kelly

Kelly

No! Oh my god!

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

But you get what I’m saying? You approach things from a position of strength, you’re going to be looked at as this high value target. And so men always wanted challenge, what’s more challenging than getting a woman who’s a high value target which–

Kelly

Kelly

But you know what? I think what I, part of that is is not just look at all the men that want her but it’s inside she’s got that strength.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yes, true which technically you didn’t have. You felt like you were making a mistake but you projected that you had it. So, he thought you had it but now going forward, just approach things from a position of strength. Even in your relationship, I realized the rules are a little bit different now that you’re back together but he’ll love you more if you’re a strong woman as opposed to a weak, needy, begging woman.

Kelly

Kelly

That’s good too yeah but then what about expressing feelings at this point once your back? Can you do that without–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Absolutely. I think communication is key to any relationship I mean, everyone always says that. So, what does that mean. Well, it just means anytime you’re going to have a really tough conversation make sure he’s in an environment where he’ll be amenable to taking the tough conversation well. There’s a lot of different ways you can do this.

You can create an environment like physically around where you can like light candles and make it intimate, not sex intimate but if you’re going to have a tough conversation make sure he’s in a really good mood too. Not a lot of women do this, if he’s in a good mood and you break bad news to him, he’s probably going to be not taking it as hard as if he was in a bad mood, you broke bad news.

That’s how those arguments can start and spiral out of control. I’m even guilty of this with Jen sometimes. Sometimes I can add when she’s having a bad day. So, if I’m having a bad day I forget to take her feelings into account but you know that’s just the phrase it takes two tango in a relationship. It just takes two to tango. You also have to get him to be willing to sort of invest into the relationship.

Really when you’re looking at trying to get him to commit to you, just, I cannot stress this enough, get him to invest time into you. That’s his most precious asset. He’s probably at the age where he makes enough money so, it’s not so much that. It’s time. So, the more time you can get him to invest whether that’s text messages, whether that’s in person interactions, the better it’s going to be for the longevity of your relationship.

Kelly

Kelly

Ok and then if you don’t mind me asking then, how do you get him–like you mentioned the tough conversations. So, sometimes arguments just occur right?

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, normal. Completely normal.

Kelly

Kelly

And now what I learned from my situation is definitely don’t storm off like I’m 12 years old because that’s exactly what I did. I think women do that. It’s like, “Oh fine.” and we pout and run off and that didn’t work. How did you–do you find it with Jen? Do you guys have like the code that you know when one person’s had enough or–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

So, I’ll give you an example. It does take two to tango but I’m trying to think of the last fight. We don’t have to too many fights because–this sounds cliche but anytime we have sort of an disagreement, we try to come up with a solution for it on the spot. So, the one that’s come into mind was I like to stay up at night and decompress by watching tv because I’m sitting in front of the computer working all day and I just want to decompress and she wanted me to come to bed with her like at the same time every night and for the longest time, it really bugged her.

I think what set her off one time was she read this article in a magazine that said one of the ways you can find the higher chances of divorce or something is if you don’t go to bed at the same time at night. And I remember I was watching the baby and she just started crying and so I went “What’s wrong?” and she wouldn’t tell me for the longest time but eventually I pried enough and she told me and though I wasn’t amenable I at the moment because I was like, feeling like my sort of free time at nights where I can just kind of decompress because I’m kind of the person that needs his own free time a lot.

I felt like it was being taking away. I realized sort of the most important thing for me, my family and even our relationship with Jen is if I make a sacrificing and start doing that. And so, I ended up starting doing it and so what usually happens is, I stay in bed with her until she falls asleep and then I come down stairs and do work or watch and decompress or whatever.

Kelly

Kelly

It’s a compromise.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

It’s a compromise. I guess that’s what I’m saying but it wouldn’t have been possible if I stayed stubborn right? And I’m a very stubborn person by nature. So, one of the things I’ve had to improve on and I’ve had relationships in the past where I’ve sort of picked a part of what I did wrong and what I did right.

And one of the things I noticed is that I had to be less stubborn. I had to be willing to compromise even though for me at that time it felt like  a gigantic compromise. It felt like my free time, my only free time at night was being taken away but I’m so glad that I did it.

Kelly

Kelly

Yes, that sounds great. Yes, it’s a compromise but and one other question then Chris, do you think men cannot handle stress the same way women do? What it seems like too and what I feel like in arguments with my — I don’t say my ex anymore but he says I gets stressed, he gets stressed and I’m like what’s the stress?

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I think it honestly depends on the individual. I will say though I think generally women are better at handling stress and I don’t want to sound non-feminist or something like that but I think you guys certainly have that time of the month right? And so, it almost I feel like trains you from an early age to handle things when you’re not feeling good and everything probably becomes more stressful.

You guys can get pregnant. Everything, your hormones can get out of whack, you can gain a lot of stress. Men, we don’t have that kind of stuff. So, we’re maybe not as practiced and now I don’t know if there’s any sort of research to back this up. It’s just my own sort of theory at this point but I can certainly say, Jen is much better at handling stress than I am. In fact, when I’m really stressed, she’s the one that I have to go to to help calm me down.

When she’s really stressed, I do my very best to calm her down but I will say those moments are few and far between. She’s usually sort of the strong one in the relationship. I’m more of the stressed one whether it’s money, whether it’s sort of mortgage bills or anything like that. That’s probably what tends to stress me out the most now anyways.

Kelly

Kelly

Right, right I bet. Well, I’ll tell you the group–all that you offer has been a lifesaver. I mean–like I said, I’m much older than you. I learned so much from what you guys taught and if anything it just makes me realize, don’t go by the cookie cutter approaches that are out there. Sometimes you got to step back away from the family and friends and kind of do what’s right for you.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I will say one thing about the cookie cutter things, everyone has unique situation right? And so a cookie cutter plan is not necessarily going to work in your case. And one thing I like to say is, my plan is a cookie cutter plan so to speak. Like I come up with a strategy but you need to alter it according to your situation. It’s meant to be sort of as a guideline to help you follow down the path but it seems like you made some alterations to the plan. It seems like you sped up the texting phase a lot quicker and it worked for you.

Kelly

Kelly

Yes it did.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

You have to follow your gut, I guess what I’m getting at here. You certainly did that. You were also really excellent in execution which I think is definitely one of–your excellent during your execution during the no contact rule which is one of the hardest things to do. So many people fail in that.

Kelly

Kelly

It is but at the same time there was something in me that says, “Ok, I”m going to do exactly as they say. They say this is what works.” And at the same time I knew that  I needed to do the other stuff. I needed to work on me and I needed to get my head right before I thought I move forward.

So, it gave me time to do that, is to really process everything that had already happened, I get to work on me and so it bought me some time and then that’s why I relied on the group so much because then it kept me thinking about, “Ok, what do I do next? Do I really want this ex back?

Do I really want to make this?” So, it gave me the time too and I knew that. I didn’t want it to be knee jerk because I’ve been knee jerking the past and I’ve seen myself fail miserably every time. So, I thought time time, I’m going to trust someone else other than what I’ve done.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

I imagine that’s hard for you to do. I’m really glad that we had you come to the website and join the group. You’ve been one of the people who like I said before we started recording, I saw your profile picture and I was like, “We need to answer her.”

There’s something about it that made me want to help you, I guess more than regularly but I’m really happy for you Kelly. I really appreciate you coming on to the podcast here. One last thing I want to ask you, let’s say someone’s listening to this and they’re on the fence about buying exboyfriend recovery pro, what would you say you took from it?

Kelly

Kelly

First and foremost, get advice like I said outside of what you know. Go with people that know it which you have spent your time with thousands of hundreds of people. So, you’ve seen lots of situations and take the time for yourself. It’s so affordable that it’s ridiculous. You’re going to waste that money on Starbucks coffee in a couple of weeks.Spend the money–

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Really, you really will.

Kelly

Kelly

You really will and what you get out of it, all the reading that you get. You’ll get so much reading free on the website but then all that you give with the downloads and the audio and then daily Facebook, you’re getting that throughout your entire time and it’s absolutely–to me that’s just a freebie and that’s like free counseling everyday.

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

Yeah, it really is.Yeah, it really is.

Kelly

Kelly

And there is nothing better than that. It kept my sanity. I was on the Facebook page. I can take it wherever I was because I have my phone and when I felt my lowest I could go to that Facebook page and you felt connected with others. So, and the last thing I”ll say, I really did, I really researched other sites and you and Jen are so genuine and everyone sees that.

Everyone sees that you truly do care about the people. You know what’s going on in their lives and that matters today in this world. There’s so much craziness going on and to have people really care, that means the world. So for me, that matters to me. If someone’s genuine, that takes it for me. So, that’s what I appreciate too. So, it’s kind of a package of things that made me think, “Wow, I got to stick with this.”

Chris Seiter

Chris Seiter

We are so glad to have you. I really appreciate you coming on the podcast. Thank you so much for telling us your story.

Kelly

Kelly

And thank you for your help.

April 25, 2017

Will the No Contact Rule Work for You?

The one question we get more than any other is Will the No Contact Rule Work For My Situation? I can’t read through and answer each question individually (because I literally get hundreds, sometimes thousands of emails per day), but what I did do is built an awesome calculator that I use myself to determine the impact of the No Contact Rule on almost any situation.

It takes about 4 minutes, and will go through 1) Details About You, 2) Details About Your Ex Boyfriend, and 3) The External Factors Involved in your breakup, and will calculate the actual chances that using the No Contact Rule will be effective in your situation. Kind of like personalized advise from me for free 🙂

Take 5 Minute QuizAnd Find Out Now!

What Do You Think? (45)

  1. May - 0

    May

    I’ve been doing NC for 8 days and yesterday he contacted me:

    “Hi May, I hope you’re ok. Just to let you know I have another bag of your stuff. Do you want me to drop it off next time I’m passing? X”

    I don’t want to reply because I don’t want to break NC. I can’t think what the stuff is as I took everything last time I was there. All I can think is it’s a Game of Thrones DVD box set. That’s literally the only thing I can think I forgot.

    What do I do? Reply bluntly and say yes. Or reply and say I’ll come get it at some point and leave it on my terms. Or just ignore for now?

    Thanks
    M

    Reply
  2. Toni - 0

    Toni

    Amor,

    I purchased the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro and it does not list my situation. Can you help me?

    Thanks!

    Reply
  3. rose - 0

    rose

    Is is possible to get him back through texting alone?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Rose,

      he might have related you to stress because of the fights.. do nc, improve yourself and then dont apologize after. just slowly rebuild rapport..

  4. Natalia - 0

    Natalia

    Hi EBR,

    Three weeks ago, my boyfriend has told me that due to his job nature, he would be likely to be relocated in a few months. He was not at a commitment stage of asking me to move with him but yet, he did not want to do long distance because he believed that it would not work. He has told me that this has been on his mind for a while but never initiated the conversation with me because he thought by not letting me know was a protection for me. He was confused and said the only solution he could think of was to break up with me. I was devastated since I was not informed until now so suddenly, and he would not even listen to me when I said I wanted to give long distance relationship a go. I became frustrated and left his apartment.

    We have never talked until last week where I texted him and asked how he has been ( I just hated the feeling of being hanging. I just wanted to know if we are over or if he’s still thinking about it). To my surprise, he was texting back positively and we started exchanging text messages. Sometimes he would initiate the conversation and the topic would just revolve what’s going on with each other’s life. Although there are texts floating around each day, but he would not initiate to talk about what happened that night or to ask me out for just a catch up.

    I believe our relationship was quite a healthy one – we respected and loved each other every much. That was why the decision he had was such a surprise to me. I would like to seek your advice on what I should do. Should I call/text him and ask for a meet up to understand what is on each other’s mind? Or should I just wait until he initiates a meet up?

    Thanks!

    Reply
  5. Cam - 0

    Cam

    I would like to purchase the premium package mainly for access to the Facebook discussion group. Will there be instructions on how to join the group once I’ve purchased it?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Cam,

      I’ll confirm how and get back to you..but what’s for sure is you’ll have access..

  6. Anu - 0

    Anu

    Hey, I just the EBR e-book a few days ago amd finished reading it. I haven’t been in contact with my ex for 20 day, so I’m taking it as my NC. I actually have a pretty unique problem, I guess. After the break-up we weren’t in contact, he texted me but I couldn’t reply, I acted like I didn’t care cause I was hurt. After a few weeks he wanted me back so naturally I said I want him back too instantly, but then he was like, “no, it’s a mistake, I didn’t mean it, I was just feeling that way then” and like he doesn’t want me back. After not really talking to him for so long I just burst out like, “no I love you so much, I miss you”. I literally begged him, I told that I’m not in a good condition emotionally, how I think about our future, that I’ve never loved anyone else but him (all true) and all that expecting him to care. But he was like, “don’t guily trip me I don’t want it”. I told him I didn’t reply to him cause I was afraid that he must be angry with me and stuff. He didn’t care.

    So, it all ended with me saying, “You don’t even care about me let alone love”. Then after a while I just wished him a happy birthday cause after all that, I’ve been a mess missing him and wanting him back.

    So, my question is, in a way all that happened (kinda like how the e-book says things will happen, I was really surprised reading it) and he did want me back but then he didn’t and I reacted like that. Do I still have hope that he’ll want me back for real after following the e-book? I begged him and what not. We were together for 3 years and know each other for 4 years.

    Reply
  7. Katie - 0

    Katie

    Reading this post, made me want to say a big thank you to everyone at the wonderful Ex-boyfriend recovery team. Every post here is so helpful and guided me through a difficult time. I also was the one to reach out first after a 38 days no-contact rule, and received a very warm welcoming response. (Even though, during the break up, he said he didn’t see us being together, and he knows himself so well that it would be hard for him to trust me again.) I didn’t have the “he should contact first” mentality, as I always believe in taking the first step out if I really want to make something happen, as good things don’t (always) fell down from the sky.

    We have not had “the talk” about where we are now, or what happened (as if the break never happened). It’s not like we “forgot”, but more like “ok, we messed up last time, and we understand we both miss each other. Here is another chance. Talking about the past isn’t going to change anything, and it was a misunderstanding that we know wouldn’t happen again. So let’s move on forward and give this a fresh new start.”

    Anyway, I’m happy with how things are turning out so far 🙂

    Again, Thank you everyone!

    Reply
  8. Tasmin - 0

    Tasmin

    That’s good advice! And yes, I’ve been improving greatly, lost 6kg, got new clothes and make-up and got more social!

    A friend of him wanted to talk to him about the break-up and about me. He wanted to get me some info, so I won’t be scared to be rejected. Is that a good idea?

    His friends also want us to get back together, because my ex was kinda depressed before he met me, they are affraid he’ll become depressed again, is it okay to accept their help?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      His friends are ok to help. That’s good for you. What you need to avoid is that they will go over board. That it will look like you have been asking them to do it and that you and his friends are ganging up on him, which will make him annoyed with you.

  9. Anon - 0

    Anon

    Hi EBR,

    So I’m a little stuck. The ex broke up with me after 6 years together. We were living together and got a dog together too. During the start of our relationship I cheated but we stayed together all these years. Main reason for break up was change of feelings, some trust issues I suspect from the past and the typical, he said just want to be alone. But very mainly he no longer loved me like he once did. I took it pretty hard at first and even asked him to get back together. But otherwise it was not that bad of a break up. We kept things pretty good, no fighting. Did NC for 30 days during which he did not know I was ignoring him because I did politely reply to his message about picking up his stuff from the house. He took most of his things but I was not home so did not see him.

    So I sent a first contact message according to EBR Pro. It went good. I was going to keep Day 2 blank, as per instruction, and possibly Day 3 too and then contact again. Anyway, so it was Day 3 and he texted me saying he was coming over to see the dog and pick up the remainder of his stuff from the shed. I was home but said ok. I wanted to keep things brief enough but polite and avoid talking about the relationship and feelings. But once I saw him i couldnt help but chat like we did when still together. It wasnt too awkward but we did exchange a few stories and talk about what we have been doing lately. He proceeded to ask how I was feeling, if I had missed him, if I love him, if I have been seeing anyone etc etc. I tried to play off most of the questions nonchalantly or tried to mislead him a bit by hiding what I have actually been feeling – was this a mistake? I wanted to sound like an UG. Like I was fine without him as for the most part I have. I think he also felt a bit of pity towards me at first because I lost a lot of our friends since the break up and asked how I was coping. He had received some bad comments from people since breaking up with me and felt angry about that. We only hugged and kissed on the cheek once to say hi and bye.

    So now I feel like I cannot continue with the texting as initially laid out. Should I do NC again for a week or longer and then start over with first contact? I’m afraid he will move on faster particularly if he thinks I will soon. Also, about my first contact message I sent the other day. He mentioned when he came over that he found it very strange and I thought he was alone at the time but turns out he was with his friends and they all thought it was strange I contacted him so “out of the blue” and was speculating what I was doing. He is now always with his friends since he moved out and living with them so there wont be a good time to message him without them knowing. The are always together. He also mentioned he wants to live with roommates that are strangers but I am afraid who they may be and whether there will be females… Also, it sounds like he really wants to be on his own and independent. He did say he misses having a partner so I am worried he will find someone else. What do I do?

    Thank you for your time.

    Reply
    • Anon - 0

      Anon

      I just feel like he had seen all my new improvements made during NC. And that at most he sees us being friends. So friend-zoned 🙁

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Anon,

      You just had a good exchange in person and now you want to be distant? Why? Did it get emotionally negative? You should actually use that exchange to build more rapport.

    • Anon - 0

      Anon

      It was all positive. I thought maybe it would be too soon as he would not be ready to be “friends”.

      He wouldn’t know I’m being distant as he wouldn’t have contacted me during this week anyway.

      So you still recommend no more NC? If so, we should I continue in terms of Chris’ texting calendar? I did first contact a few days ago and although they sounded like positive responses, he did mention it was strange and so did his roommates. I am worried he will keep showing them all my texts and suspect my motive.

      Also, he proposed that we sleep together the other day but i know how bad an idea that was and if I had it would turn into fwb. If he asks again how should I reject it?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Tell him it’s not your cup of tea. That could establish that you’re not trying to get back with him because if you are, you would have taken that bait. Yes, build rapport. It might have been strange before but now that he asked that, I don’t think it would be surprising anymore that you would text.

    • Anon - 0

      Anon

      Thanks Amor.

      Not sure if he will ask again. Didn’t want him to think just because he came over the other day that I want to get back together or that I want to make an effort to be friends and he doesn’t (yet?).

      Quick question – would it be a good idea to delete all the pictures we have together from my social media accounts?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      for me,.you should just let it be for now because you’re trying to build rapport

  10. Fruit bowl - 0

    Fruit bowl

    I’ve been on and off NC for a while now since the breakup. When we get back together it turns into a friends with benefits thing (My mistake). Anyways, so far I’ve been 2 months NC. The last time we spoke he told me he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. It was a horrible, horrible fight. He blocked me. A week ago, I noticed he unblocked me. It was when I posted a status (you can see who views it). After that, he has been changing his picture constantly. This is very uncharacteristic of him! He’s not the very social type nor the type who takes pictures but he knows how much I love his pictures. Then today, he posts his own status (again, something very uncharacteristic of him). I didn’t want to look at it because I know it would stroke his ego but I was so curious I looked at it. Now he will see that I’ve seen it. What do I do? I cant message him first because of how horrible he was to me last time.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Fruit bowl,

      since you’re not going to message first, just keep being active in your own life and in posting and don’t view his again.

  11. Lisa - 0

    Lisa

    Hi,
    How do I become a member of the private Facebook group?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      It comes with the exboyfriend recovery premium package.

  12. Anon - 0

    Anon

    Hi, Amor and everyone!

    Okay. So I’ve done around 70 days no contact. I know that’s a lot…but I was actually thinking about doing 90 days. That seems like such a long time. But in my situation, I had done 30 day no contacts and we always reconnected. Always. Before I had ever done a no contact he refused to lose touch with me. So I thought maybe I need to do something drastic to really get his attention. We’ve never gone this long without speaking to each other.

    I’ve been very active this time. I’ve been meeting new friends, hanging out with old and new friends, restarted some hobbies. I’ve been very active on Facebook posting, showing off my “new look” and showing that I’m happy. And I actually am happy! I’ve been on several dates and even thought I was going to move on with one of them! I liked this guy a lot….but he just wasn’t the person I want. I still want my ex.

    My problem is…I don’t know how my ex feels. I think either my number is still blocked or he changed his number (not unusual for him. He’s never been a stable guy, he’s had 12 numbers since we met almost 3 years ago) I had blocked him on Facebook but when I unblocked him, I found out that he blocked me!! So the only way to contact him, I think, is through email.

    Has it been too long? He was so angry the last time we spoke I’m afraid to reach out and get burned. But, honestly, after the first week of this round of No Contact I had the intention of moving on. I wasn’t trying to get him back, I wanted him out. But now that thus time has passed, I’m no longer angry. I think I want us to have a chance at being together not just for us but for our daughter. I want her to know her father and be a family with us. But should I just move on?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Anon,

      More likely over time, he will be less angry too. By that time, take it as a restart. That everything is behind and you’re starting over as friends.

    • Anon - 0

      Anon

      So if I decide I want to try to reach out, is emailing him okay? The last time we talked he said he hated me and to never talk to him again. That was in December…the day before our daughter’s first birthday.

      I’m scared to reach out, even though I want to. I think if we could at least be friends that it could be good for all of us. I’m just scared he’s still angry. Is email a bad way to reach out? Would I follow the same rules as texting?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      It would be better if it’s text or social media private message. Cross the bridge when you get there, if you can’t do those other options then yes, email him.

    • Anon - 0

      Anon

      Okay. It might come to just having to email because I do think he changed his number. He’s done that before when I was upset with him thinking that I would go crazy trying to get his new number (he did that three times. Twice while we were together and once after we had broken up.)

      I’ll think more about it before I act. I don’t want to make the wrong decision! I would hope that he would be more calm by now. But who knows. Sometimes I get angry at him still. But to be fair, he’s the one who left his girlfriend of 2 years to raise their newborn on her own.

      Thank you for your help, I’m sure you’re sick of seeing me comment!!

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Of course not.. there are others who actually keep in touch even after they got their ex back. So, don’t be shy commenting.

  13. Tasmin - 0

    Tasmin

    Hi everyone!

    So I have a little doubt about everything.. I only have 7 days of NC left (we broke up a month and a half ago) and I’m just seriously nervous to contact him.. I had 0 signs that he misses me, infact, he is enjoying his life.. ALOT. I’m really nervous to text him first, because I don’t want to be rejected. I sometimes talk to his friends and they told me he never even talks about me and if they ask if he misses me, his awnser is “No.”
    I’m just really nervous to text him and scared. I actually want to wait untill he contacts me, but I know that could take months or not even happen at all!

    What should I do?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Tasmin,

      if you’ve been really active in improving yourself and in posting in social media, it’s ok if you initiate even he didn’t contact you during nc and he might be just being keeping an image with yourself…if you really want to wait, set a limit until when

  14. Charna - 0

    Charna

    Hi, I completed no contact, but my ex just got angry and told me to f** off forever. What to do?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Charna,

      why did you break up? How long was the relationship, how long did you do the no contact rule and how much did you improve? What was the first text you sent?

    • Charna - 0

      Charna

      About 4 months, he dumped me cos he fell out of love. I did 35 days. I improved a lot & made heaps of new friends. I asked him for help with a show I was put in charge of

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Sorry I forgot to ask, but when did you break up? Did you chase him after? Right now, it’s either you do one last no contact of 45 days or move on..

    • Charna - 0

      Charna

      We broke up a week before Christmas, and I chased for about a month after. Why do you recommend 45 days?

    • Charna - 0

      Charna

      We have an anniversary of our first date coming up (it will be 22 days after our last interaction). I really want to send a “guess what day it is” message that day. What do you think?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      actually I recommended 45 days assuming you did chase, and you did for a month.. Don’t send that. That’s still saying you’re chasing him.

    • Charna - 0

      Charna

      Thank you that’s good advice

    • Charna - 0

      Charna

      Just a question about the 30 day NC followed by 45 day NC cos of anger, doesn’t that mean we’ll have passed the 66 day point for “breaking habits”? Thanks

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Yes, but what you need is a restart. Right now, all he wants is for you to move on and stop chasing him.

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