Today I’m going to show you the three most prevalent thoughts that your ex is thinking about if they don’t contact you.

It’s probably also relevant to mention that each of these three things that I’m going to talk about today are based on my experience as a coach and founded on award winning research (more on that in a minute.)

So, if you’ve ever wondered what is going on in your exes mind when they don’t contact you look no further.

Your answers are below!

What The Heck Is Your Ex Thinking About When They Don’t Contact You? 

In all there are three thoughts or overlying concepts that are going to be very prevalent in your exes mind if they don’t contact you,

  1. The Pendulum Swing
  2. They Have To Contact Me First
  3. The Peak End Rule

Now, I don’t expect you to understand any of these concepts. In fact, I’d be shocked if you did because exactly one third of the answers are from my own findings and I haven’t really talked about it that much.

But I’m rambling.

The rest of this article is going to be very straight forward.

I’m going to define each of these concepts for you.

Let’s begin with my personal favorite.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

1. What Is “The Pendulum Swing?”

Before I start getting philosophical I’d like to ask you if you know what a pendulum is?

No?

Well, rather than have me sit here and explain it for you it’s probably better if I show it to you,

Essentially it’s something that swings from left to right.

Generally you’ll see a lot of physics professors using it to explain one of newtons laws but I actually think it’s the perfect analogy to describe what goes on inside of someone when they go through a breakup.

Pretend for a moment that the pendulum actually was an indicator for how you were feeling internally after a breakup,

On one side of the spectrum (the left side) you have all of the bad feelings you could be feeling,

  • Anger
  • Resentment
  • Depression

And on the other side of the spectrum (the right side) you have all the good feelings that you could be feeling,

  • Missing your ex
  • Loving your ex
  • Wanting to get back together

Most of my clients would kill to have their exes feel this way about them.

Speaking of clients, one common complaint I hear from them about their exes is that they wish they didn’t get all of these mixed signals.

One moment their ex is asking them something like,

Do you ever think about getting back together?

Almost implying that they do want to get back together and then the next minute they can’t get a response from them. They are left in that awful limbo land.

The pendulum explains what is going on in this instance.

Over the years I’ve witnessed an interesting pattern taking place.

Exes tend to go through a pendulum of emotions after a breakup.

Where one moment they start feeling good,

And the next moment they start feeling bad,

It’s during these “bad moments” that you’ll find that your ex doesn’t want to talk to you.

Interesting to think that there is this internal battle going on within your ex, isn’t it?

But if you doubt this concept exists I’d like to turn your attention to your own experience with breakups. You’ve probably experienced this pendulum of emotions, haven’t you?

So, that is the first thing going on in your exes head after a breakup that would cause them to not contact you.

Let’s move on to another common thought I see a lot of the time.

2. They Have To Contact Me First

I want to show you something.

Hold on for a moment while I look it up…

Ah, there it is,

This is a picture of me taken about ten years ago a few weeks after I had been through a breakup.

Look how awful I look.

I’m kidding!

Anyways, I posted this picture because every single time I look at it I think of that break up.

I remember very clearly I had a mantra,

There is no way I’m contacting her first, she is going to contact me

I’m pretty stubborn.

I am a taurus after all.

Anyways, my ex was pretty stubborn too which meant that we were in the midst of an epic stand off,

Perhaps the most interesting thing was the reasoning for why I wouldn’t contact her first.

Ten years ago I was 18 years old.

Which meant that I wasn’t exactly the most experienced with relationships. It also meant I still bought into this idea that after every break up there is a winner and a loser.

And in my mind I’d start to “lose the breakup” if I reached out to my ex.

Therefore, she was going to have to talk to me first if she wanted to talk to me.

You’re dying to know who contacted who first, aren’t you?

It was her.

She was actually very clever in how she approached it to.

You see, in 2008 Hurricane Ike hit my hometown,

I grew up in a little place called Friendswood, Texas which is very close to where the video above was taken.

Anyways, the Hurricane went over our house and she reached out to check on me and make sure I was ok.

To this day I have always regretted how mean I was to her when she reached out. You see, upon seeing that I was “winning the breakup” I got very arrogant and said something like this to her,

I regret it because I think she was just trying to be nice but “winning the breakup” was more important to me at the time.

Anyways, I am telling you this story because I want you to see how seriously some people take this concept of making you reach out first.

And it could be going through your exes mind if they don’t talk to you.

3. The Peak End Rule

The peak-end rule has been revolutionary for my book readers who have really embraced it.

Why?

Because it gives you insight into how human beings think and act when they remember experiences.

So, what is “the peak-end rule?”

Put simply, human beings remember experiences based on how they felt at the peak of the experience (it’s most intense part) and the end of the experience.

In other words, when we think back to experiences we don’t account for the sum of it’s parts we account for mostly those two parts.

It looks a little like this,

Those two snapshots of time make up the bulk of our memory when we think back to the experience.

So, what does this have to do with your ex not contacting you.

Well, it’s actually an extension of what I talked about above with the pendulum.

If you recall, the pendulum moves from left to right, from bad to good.

The peak-end rule describes the motivation for why the pendulum moves.

Consider for a moment that your ex is remembering your time together and they start thinking about the peak,

The peak of your experience together is arguably the strongest and most exciting part to think about.

Most likely it’s going to cause the pendulum to swing to the right,

A few days later your ex starts to remember the end of your relationship,

This of course causes the pendulum to swing to the left as they remember how bad they felt at the end of your time together,

Do you see how these to concepts work together in tandem?

Do you see some of the motivation behind why your ex may not want to talk to you?

It’s pretty crazy, right?

Let’s do a quick recap because I dropped some advanced stuff onto your plate that I usually only save for my clients.

Conclusion

What we talked about today is pretty advanced so I’m sure there will be a lot of questions in the comments. If you didn’t already know I answer all of my comments personally.

Sometimes I’m a little slow about getting back to people but they do get answered eventually.

So, don’t hesitate to ask a question if something confuses you.

Let’s do a quick recap,

  • The are three prevalent thoughts that your ex is likely to think about if they don’t contact you
  • The pendulum
  • I’m not going to contact them first, they’ll have to contact me first
  • The peak end rule
  • The pendulum is simply an analogy for the trajectory your emotions take after a break up
  • Adopting a mindset of “they’ll have to contact me first” is an example of stubbornness
  • The peak end rule describes the motivation for why your exes emotions chance trajectory after a break up

Again, if you have any questions don’t hesitate to ask them below.

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125 thoughts on “What Is Your Ex Thinking If They Don’t Contact You”

  1. Avatar

    Bill

    April 9, 2021 at 6:58 pm

    My ex-wife left me for her boss over 2 yrs ago. She has me blocked on everything. she told me 2 or 3 times that she was coming back but always changed her mind. I haven’t seen her or any contact for over a year. The weirdest thing is she kept my last name. If you want to forget some one I would think you would change your last name. On 12/27/19 she called me crying and wanted me to come and get her. I thought thank God she’s finally back. 9 hrs. later she broke my heart again and after to talking on the phone to someone told me she has to leave. Yes, she went back to her boss. After all this time I guess I need a miracle for her to ever be back in my life or even a phone call from her.

  2. Avatar

    Julie Anne Molinas

    March 6, 2021 at 8:33 am

    Can i still get back my ex boyfriend even our relationship lasted only for 4 months? I had to break up with him because he told me we rather be friends and he doesnt have plan to be with me in the future. We had meaningful relationship even it was short.. we never have big fights and we have same interest. We good together actually.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 24, 2021 at 9:16 pm

      Hi Julie yes you can but you need to be sure that you are strict with yourself when following the advice in the articles, starting with NC and working on the Ungettable mindset

  3. Avatar

    FB

    March 3, 2021 at 8:47 am

    Hi Chris, it’s Fabian from Australia. I’ve purchased products off you in regards to getting me ex back in which I truly love. She broke our 14mth relationship off on 13/02/21 the day before Valentine’s Day. I’ll be honest a week before she broke it off she wanted space and I gave that to her but messed up by going to go and tell her I love her. She then called it off the next day, saying I had codependent, passive aggressive and controlling behaviours in which I know of some instances but I wouldn’t say I’m those , it’s now been 3 weeks now since I have had no contact with her and it is killing me, I still have not heard from her , but by reading you products I have it’s keeping me at bay from reaching out to her. What should I do?

    Thanks mate

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 9, 2021 at 10:01 pm

      Hi Fabian, its great you have gone into NC and keep going! Make sure you are focusing on yourself and that you are doing things to become the best version of yourself.

  4. Avatar

    Akira

    February 27, 2021 at 12:08 pm

    My ex and I dated for three years and well we got into a fight last year December and he called it quits. Ever since then I havent been myself. We saw each other recently and we talked. It was almost as if we didn’t break up at all because we still had that chemistry. But then he just suddenly cut me off and when I asked he said he was going to put his feelings for me at bay so that he could focus on himself. Ever since then he hasn’t even tried contacting me. I contact him once a while but I feel like I’m bothering him and so I have implemented the 30 days no contact rule. I really love him so much and I’m scared I might lose him like this. What do I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 24, 2021 at 8:18 pm

      Hi Akria, if you want to get your ex back and have completed the NC correctly then you need to make sure that you are following Chris’ texting styles to get your ex interested in having conversations with you

  5. Avatar

    Anna

    February 16, 2021 at 9:58 pm

    Hi I’ve been with my ex for 4 years and we’ve had multiple break ups & always got back together. However this time round we was so close to marriage but then we had an argument and he told me he doesn’t love me and to move on and have a nice life. I’ve been blocked everywhere and have completed the no contact for a month straight. Is it over for good? I really need help!!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 17, 2021 at 4:13 pm

      Hi Anna, I would suggest that you keep going with your No Contact for the time being as you need to do 45 days when you have been blocked by an ex. By then hopefully you are unblocked, if not then you need to keep working the holy trinity and being ungettable. This article about being blocked should help you – https://www.exboyfriend.com/what-to-do-if-your-ex-boyfriend-blocked-you/

  6. Avatar

    Molly

    February 10, 2021 at 12:42 am

    I was with my boyfriend for six months. He was separated with a kid and a busy schedule with work(we work for the same company in different cities). We had a rough week, I drove down to see him, got in an accident, found out he had cheated(though very small), and stress was a lot. The part for my car took three days to receive, the day he drove me back to pick it up, he broke up with me before he dropped me off. He said ‘he didn’t see the relationship going anywhere’ and that ‘we’re too old to be wasting each other’s time’. He texted me that night to make sure I was home safe. I didn’t reply. He hasn’t contacted me since. I’m blown away.

  7. Avatar

    Cindy

    November 11, 2020 at 12:13 am

    Mine left without an argument causing it. We were together for 2 years, and we actually fit together pretty nicely. Both of us could be 100% ourselves with each other and we had a mutual respect and a base of friendship. We both said we were the “perfect match” for each other. Then, he decided he didn’t want any strings and wanted to spend time with his kids only (he had lost his wife a few years ago). He said he wished we had met years from now instead. He was very cold to me (unlike him) and said he didn’t want me and didn’t love me anymore. This came as a shock to me because just two days before he had said he loves me so much and was excited for our future together. I was an emotional wreck when he dumped me (wrong thing to do I know). I haven’t heard from him in 2 months and I am still heartbroken and confused. He still has a bunch of things at my house, and I am just confused where to go with this. It isn’t a “typical” break up. I am focusing on myself, but I miss him like crazy… 🙁

  8. Avatar

    TME

    November 1, 2020 at 4:42 am

    Hello, my ex said he wasn’t in love me after living together almost 2.5 years. However, just 4 months earlier he said he was happy with me. But about 3 months ago while we were arguing, I told him to get out. It is originally my house. Anyway, he told that was the reason he didn’t love me anymore. How is it possible to fall out of love so quickly over something said in anger. Anyway, I left my own house on Oct 6 until he moved out on Oct 28th. We have been in no contact almost a month. He has never asked how I am or even asked our mutual friends how I am. I don’t get it. Also, he is stubborn. But since he broke it off with me, I thought he would have asked how I was doing? I don’t want to reach out to him for fear of more rejection. You advice is appreciated.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 1, 2020 at 11:03 am

      Hi TME, so when you argue and tell him to leave that causes a hurt / broken trust feeling that you are going to throw him out every time things get heated between you. Each argument you have as a couple will lessen the love between you both too. He needs a break from the negative feelings that he has from the relationship. This is why No Contact is perfect, even if he is stubborn. When you reach 30 days I would suggest that you reach out with a text from Chris’ articles so that you can start a conversation with him, even if you are worried of rejection, the alternative is wondering “what if”.

  9. Avatar

    Anonymous

    October 31, 2020 at 2:02 pm

    Hello me and my ex was together for 3 years we broke up about 2 months ago . I spent one of those month & half on no contact rule after the no contact rule for 30 days I reach out to my ex though a text message twice no response! Should I just give up and move on ?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 31, 2020 at 4:13 pm

      Hey there, did you attempt to use the texts that Chris suggests in his articles? Or were they generic reach out texts for normal conversation?

  10. Avatar

    Anna

    October 28, 2020 at 8:19 am

    My ex and I were together for 2.5 years and broke up 3 weeks ago (he broke up with me) and have been in no contact for a little over 2 weeks now. The breakup seemed to come out of nowhere because we truly love eachother and I still believe we do. His reasoning was that he just needs time because his work and Class schedule are about to get hectic and he feels like he can’t juggle everything and he said “I promise I’m not leaving this easily I just need time”. However, The first week of the breakup before no contact we met in person upon my request because of course I panicked. In this meeting he seemed upset and almost angry and mentioned that he felt like I gave up on the relationship, could this statement have been from emotions running high and him trying to place blame? I don’t feel that I gave up but looking back I may have slightly taken him for granted because of being together for a while but I felt as though I was just getting comfortable. I’m planning on continuing with 30 days of no contact because he hasn’t reached out and I’m still working on myself. I know this process of getting him back takes time especially because he asked for time but since he asked for time should I wait for him to reach out to me (and trust he will after he has taken his time that he needs)or should I reach out after 30-45 days? After those 30-45 should I send a text like you mention in your articles or write a letter? I have combed your website to try and make sense of my situation but I feel like I need an opinion on this.
    Thank you so much

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 28, 2020 at 10:40 am

      Hi Anna, definitely do not write a letter to your ex. Reach out with a text after 30 days NC as things seemed almost calm between you both when you met up. I wouldn’t say that you needed 45 days unless you feel that you need it for your own self work.

  11. Avatar

    Raegan Pulliam

    October 26, 2020 at 5:38 pm

    My ex and I were together 2 years and we were very in love. In fact if you asked someone while we were dating, anyone would’ve told you that he was very much in love with me and obsessed. Things got difficult so we came to the mutual decision to take some time apart and work on ourselves so we can be better for eachother in the future. He was definitely for it and never once gave me the impression he wasnt! We officially broke up almost 6 months ago. He started dating someone new 1 month after the break up and displayed ALL the rebound signs… I heard that it’s not always a good idea to reach out if someone else is in the picture so I’ve been giving it some time. At the end of November it will have been around 5.2 months since they started dating (the average length a rebound lasts according to you). I’ve been working on bettering myself but he is completely silent, a complete stranger, and I’m realizing more and more everyday how much I love him… Please give me some advice if you’ve read this entire message

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 28, 2020 at 4:31 am

      Hi Reagan, so I would suggest that you reach out with a text that Chris suggests and start following the being there method. You mentioned that its not always a good idea. If you want to try and get your ex back, you need to reach out to start that process.

  12. Avatar

    Adrianna

    October 20, 2020 at 3:15 am

    What if I want to reach out but I’m afraid too? I was so attached to my boyfriend, our split has truly been traumatic for me. We started dating my senior year of high school and broke up after almost 4 years. He started to change a lot towards the end. He always wanted to take hallucinogens, I assume to escape his reality. He never wanted to communicate about feelings. He’d never talk about his and seemed he’d never listen when I spoke about mine. We had a weird experience the last time we saw each other. He decided to not stay with me that night. The next day he left w/o saying bye. He left for 3 days to house sit for his sister. He Text me the entire way home things were going to be okay. He Got to my house and just cut everything after 4 years. No apologies, nothing.. we spoke, he’d made up his mind, said his goodbyes grabbed his bags, left and a week later moved back home (8 hours away) and has never said a word since. I feel shattered. It’s so strange it’s like he was here for a second and then just gone forever. It almost feels like he died. I get anxiety anytime I think of him contacting me and vice versa. I wouldn’t even know what to say. I just feel it’s so strange he could do that. I had truly tried to be the best girlfriend. I actually hate myself for the amount of pain I went through just to make him happy. I feel emotionally exhausted and more disconnected than ever. It’s sad and so weird. I know it’s a long background story thank you for your time! Hoping to get a response!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 28, 2020 at 1:41 am

      Hi Adrianna, so if you want to get him back then you are going to have to reach out. That is part of this program, we break the ice for contact after a NC. However, from what you have said above I would suggest that you think about moving on and not reaching out to him at all, you can move on from the pain you went through learning what not to do next time you get into a relationship.

  13. Avatar

    Megan

    October 1, 2020 at 3:57 pm

    My ex boyfriend broke up with me almost a month ago and we talked a lot afterwards and we did normal couple things but then 2 weeks ago he said we should just be friends, and if there is a possibility of us to get back together we can. And then a few days later he said it’s over between us and we should just be friends. And now he’s acting as if he’s perfectly happy yet he’s going out of his way to do so. Do you think I have a chance with him or should I give up all hope? I still love him very much and idk if he feels the same.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 4, 2020 at 8:57 pm

      Hi Megan it is only your choice if you want to give the program a go or not

  14. Avatar

    jordyn

    September 15, 2020 at 12:56 am

    My ex and I dated for 6 months. It was the best relationship ever, nothing toxic about it. When corona hit, things started to crumble and our own personal issues started to pop up so we mutually agreed to break up. That happened in June and I thought we were taking a break to work on ourselves to get back together but it was a legitimate break up. The last time we spoke in text she told me she wasn’t ruling us out yet she wasn’t thinking about the future too much when I asked if she’d give it a second chance. Three months later and i left a comment on a webinar she was giving; when she saw who left it she started tearing up. I’m glad we’re working on ourselves, but still we haven’t texted each other. Is there hope for the future for us?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 2, 2020 at 8:12 pm

      Hey Jordyn, I would say that if you have completed a full 30 days of No Contact then you can start reaching out – hopefully you have been spending some time working on yourself

  15. Avatar

    Rachel L Garey

    September 8, 2020 at 7:21 pm

    Hi! I broke up with my ex about a month ago. We had been together for 10 months. He always brought up being more serious but would get cold feet a few weeks later, and the last time this happened I said I want to be in a more stable relationship. We left it open and we both said to let each other know if we changed our mind. I texted him after 10 days and asked if he wanted to meet up in a couple weeks. He had said maybe in a few weeks. I said let me know. Well, its been a few weeks now and I still haven’t heard from him.
    I’ve been working on myself, keeping busy, and even trying to date a little. I still want him. Do you think he will ever reach out?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 11, 2020 at 8:50 pm

      Hey Rachel, we actually suggest that you reach out after your NC is over. You need to read some articles regards to reaching out after NC so you know what to do and plan to get your ex interested in talking to you

  16. Avatar

    Jade

    September 4, 2020 at 9:13 pm

    My ex broke up with me two weeks ago. I stayed at my parents house for the first six days and then came to go get some of my things and left a note letting him know I would be back the next day to pack. He contacted me asking me to come talk to him and I have been staying at our house ever since. He began to distance himself again a few days ago, then left town and we haven’t talked since he left. He deleted me off Snapchat and blocked me on Instagram since then. I haven’t tried to contact him since he left, I plan on getting my things out of the house while he is gone. I still want him back, I don’t know what to do.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 7, 2020 at 10:10 pm

      Hi Jade, start working the program collecting your things while you are away is a good thing. Make sure that you do not leave a note, or reply to him after he realises you have been there.

  17. Avatar

    Abby

    September 1, 2020 at 11:10 pm

    My ex and I were together for about a year but friends for years before our relationship! We broke up a little over a month ago and haven’t had any contact. We had broken up before that for a months and got back together. I ended it this time because we were still fighting over the same things and he was honestly being very mean. I did a couple weeks into it message him telling him I wish we could have our friendship back but he didn’t respond. I feel like the ball
    Is in his court since I already messaged him. With it being over a month, will I still hear from him at this point? I wonder if he forgot about me and doesn’t miss me 🙁 I don’t really miss being together because we were better as friends but I do miss my best friend

  18. Avatar

    Kc

    September 1, 2020 at 12:22 am

    Hi chris my boyfriend broke up with me about 3 weeks ago after a 4 year relationship. He said he is unhappy and doesnt know if we are meant to be.he was hysterically crying He said he loves me so much and cares about me but is not in love and doesnt think about making me his wife one day. We had a really good relationship ful of laughter and joy and spent a lot of time together but i dont know what is going thru his head it was very shocking to hear all that and i think he may be seeing another girl but am not sure. I went into NC right away and didnt beg or contact him since the day he broke it off. Idk what to do its been 3 weeks and nothing from him. I deleted his phone number all of our pictures and took him off my social media.

  19. Avatar

    Christina

    August 29, 2020 at 9:02 am

    My ex and I are in an LDR. We’ve been with each other of & on since 18 months. Earlier we met once in a month or 2. He has not been very vocal about his feelings and avoids any emotional talks but when we meet he says and does things that he does have feelings for me but just doesn’t want to label anything. Due to Covid we havent met in 5 months and there is no visibility on when we’ll meet next. I started seeing a change in frequency of his texts/calls. When I brought it up he stated these discussions are emotionally draining and expecting a text everyday is a compulsion. Post that brief talk, frequency of messages went from daily to once in a 3-4 days to even a week. Although we haven’t explicitly broken off the last thing I told him if it’s so emotionally draining we might as well end this. He kinda agreed and that was it. Since we work together, he called me once for work 2 days back and the discussion was brief and professional. I miss him a lot but I know he doesn’t care much about this, probably doesn’t even think about me at all. I’ve been in no contact since a week now and there’s been no text from him. Do you think there’s a chance he’ll want to get back again?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 11, 2020 at 7:47 pm

      Hey Christina, if you work on yourself and show your ex that you are doing great without him, use social media to show how happy you are Complete your NC and then start reaching out with Chris’ methods you could get yourself back on track again. Of course with LDR the point is that eventually you will be together so also consider this as a long term relationship – are you or he willing to move to the other to be together?

  20. Avatar

    Clint

    August 10, 2020 at 11:23 pm

    My ex and I dated for about a year. I was going through some tough things and was a pretty sad person really. On top of that my daughters mom always found a way to put tension in my relationship with my now ex girlfriend. Eventually my ex said she couldn’t handle it and we split up but we continued talking and having sex and seeing each other once or twice a week. During this time I really wanted her back and I finally asked her if she thinks she would get back with me, she said no of course but we still continued to carry on as if we weren’t really broke up. This led to me wanting more then what we had though and I couldn’t control my emotions. I felt she was just stringing me along and finally I confronted her about it. She replied by basically saying that she was no one in my life and that she didn’t want to talk to me anymore and she wants distance and then proceeded to block me on everything. It’s been 3 weeks since then. Given our on and off again history is there any chance she may reach back out?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 11, 2020 at 2:06 pm

      Hey Clint, yes I think you will hear from her again, but make sure that you do not fall back into those habits of sleeping with her while broken up again. It is not going get what you want. You need to start by following this program and working on yourself.

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