Today I’m going to show you the three most prevalent thoughts that your ex is thinking about if they don’t contact you.
It’s probably also relevant to mention that each of these three things that I’m going to talk about today are based on my experience as a coach and founded on award winning research (more on that in a minute.)
So, if you’ve ever wondered what is going on in your exes mind when they don’t contact you look no further.
Your answers are below!
What The Heck Is Your Ex Thinking About When They Don’t Contact You?
In all there are three thoughts or overlying concepts that are going to be very prevalent in your exes mind if they don’t contact you,
- The Pendulum Swing
- They Have To Contact Me First
- The Peak End Rule
Now, I don’t expect you to understand any of these concepts. In fact, I’d be shocked if you did because exactly one third of the answers are from my own findings and I haven’t really talked about it that much.
But I’m rambling.
The rest of this article is going to be very straight forward.
I’m going to define each of these concepts for you.
Let’s begin with my personal favorite.
1. What Is “The Pendulum Swing?”
Before I start getting philosophical I’d like to ask you if you know what a pendulum is?
Well, rather than have me sit here and explain it for you it’s probably better if I show it to you,
Essentially it’s something that swings from left to right.
Generally you’ll see a lot of physics professors using it to explain one of newtons laws but I actually think it’s the perfect analogy to describe what goes on inside of someone when they go through a breakup.
Pretend for a moment that the pendulum actually was an indicator for how you were feeling internally after a breakup,
On one side of the spectrum (the left side) you have all of the bad feelings you could be feeling,
And on the other side of the spectrum (the right side) you have all the good feelings that you could be feeling,
- Missing your ex
- Loving your ex
- Wanting to get back together
Most of my clients would kill to have their exes feel this way about them.
Speaking of clients, one common complaint I hear from them about their exes is that they wish they didn’t get all of these mixed signals.
One moment their ex is asking them something like,
Do you ever think about getting back together?
Almost implying that they do want to get back together and then the next minute they can’t get a response from them. They are left in that awful limbo land.
The pendulum explains what is going on in this instance.
Over the years I’ve witnessed an interesting pattern taking place.
Exes tend to go through a pendulum of emotions after a breakup.
Where one moment they start feeling good,
And the next moment they start feeling bad,
It’s during these “bad moments” that you’ll find that your ex doesn’t want to talk to you.
Interesting to think that there is this internal battle going on within your ex, isn’t it?
But if you doubt this concept exists I’d like to turn your attention to your own experience with breakups. You’ve probably experienced this pendulum of emotions, haven’t you?
So, that is the first thing going on in your exes head after a breakup that would cause them to not contact you.
Let’s move on to another common thought I see a lot of the time.
2. They Have To Contact Me First
I want to show you something.
Hold on for a moment while I look it up…
Ah, there it is,
This is a picture of me taken about ten years ago a few weeks after I had been through a breakup.
Look how awful I look.
Anyways, I posted this picture because every single time I look at it I think of that break up.
I remember very clearly I had a mantra,
There is no way I’m contacting her first, she is going to contact me
I’m pretty stubborn.
I am a taurus after all.
Anyways, my ex was pretty stubborn too which meant that we were in the midst of an epic stand off,
Perhaps the most interesting thing was the reasoning for why I wouldn’t contact her first.
Ten years ago I was 18 years old.
Which meant that I wasn’t exactly the most experienced with relationships. It also meant I still bought into this idea that after every break up there is a winner and a loser.
And in my mind I’d start to “lose the breakup” if I reached out to my ex.
Therefore, she was going to have to talk to me first if she wanted to talk to me.
You’re dying to know who contacted who first, aren’t you?
It was her.
She was actually very clever in how she approached it to.
You see, in 2008 Hurricane Ike hit my hometown,
I grew up in a little place called Friendswood, Texas which is very close to where the video above was taken.
Anyways, the Hurricane went over our house and she reached out to check on me and make sure I was ok.
To this day I have always regretted how mean I was to her when she reached out. You see, upon seeing that I was “winning the breakup” I got very arrogant and said something like this to her,
I regret it because I think she was just trying to be nice but “winning the breakup” was more important to me at the time.
Anyways, I am telling you this story because I want you to see how seriously some people take this concept of making you reach out first.
And it could be going through your exes mind if they don’t talk to you.
3. The Peak End Rule
The peak-end rule has been revolutionary for my book readers who have really embraced it.
Because it gives you insight into how human beings think and act when they remember experiences.
So, what is “the peak-end rule?”
Put simply, human beings remember experiences based on how they felt at the peak of the experience (it’s most intense part) and the end of the experience.
In other words, when we think back to experiences we don’t account for the sum of it’s parts we account for mostly those two parts.
It looks a little like this,
Those two snapshots of time make up the bulk of our memory when we think back to the experience.
So, what does this have to do with your ex not contacting you.
Well, it’s actually an extension of what I talked about above with the pendulum.
If you recall, the pendulum moves from left to right, from bad to good.
The peak-end rule describes the motivation for why the pendulum moves.
Consider for a moment that your ex is remembering your time together and they start thinking about the peak,
The peak of your experience together is arguably the strongest and most exciting part to think about.
Most likely it’s going to cause the pendulum to swing to the right,
A few days later your ex starts to remember the end of your relationship,
This of course causes the pendulum to swing to the left as they remember how bad they felt at the end of your time together,
Do you see how these to concepts work together in tandem?
Do you see some of the motivation behind why your ex may not want to talk to you?
It’s pretty crazy, right?
Let’s do a quick recap because I dropped some advanced stuff onto your plate that I usually only save for my clients.
What we talked about today is pretty advanced so I’m sure there will be a lot of questions in the comments. If you didn’t already know I answer all of my comments personally.
Sometimes I’m a little slow about getting back to people but they do get answered eventually.
So, don’t hesitate to ask a question if something confuses you.
Let’s do a quick recap,
- The are three prevalent thoughts that your ex is likely to think about if they don’t contact you
- The pendulum
- I’m not going to contact them first, they’ll have to contact me first
- The peak end rule
- The pendulum is simply an analogy for the trajectory your emotions take after a break up
- Adopting a mindset of “they’ll have to contact me first” is an example of stubbornness
- The peak end rule describes the motivation for why your exes emotions chance trajectory after a break up
Again, if you have any questions don’t hesitate to ask them below.