absense aIf I were to take all of the most common questions that are asked about the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program and run the data on them, they would likely look something like this:
“Will no contact make him miss me?”
“Will he miss me if I go no contact?”
“Will he miss me if I cut him off?”
“If I let him go will he come back?”
“Will he miss me if I stop texting him?”
You’ve probably figured this out by now because you’re an intelligent person, but all of those questions are essentially asking the same thing:
“If I start to ignore my ex, will it help him to miss me?”
Though No Contact has been proven to work, there are still so many women who get anxious about the idea of cutting their ex off or ignoring them completely.
I get it.
It seems counter-intuitive.
If you want someone to be re-attracted to you, why would you push them away? But the thing is, it does work. And we’re going to discuss why.
We’re actually going to cover a couple things here in this article:
First, we’re going to talk about the psychology of why distance and time are important after a breakup, the mindset your guy is in post-breakup, and why you need to give him space for a while.
Then we’ll discuss my favorite, No Contact, and how it should be successfully implemented.
Finally, we’ll cover the phenomena of moving on without moving on and how and why it works. Like, it’s scary how well it works.
The Psychology of Distance and Time
“Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder”
This quote has been around for decades and is quoted in popular culture all the time. It’s become a cliché, of sorts, but clichés often have a basis of truth.
It would be nice if breakups were neat and tidy, with both parties shaking hands and parting ways in a calm, adult-like manner. But unfortunately, when it comes to matters of the heart, emotions tend to make it hard for things to be that simple.
Chances are, unless you were very lucky, your breakup was not neat and tidy.
Perhaps there was cheating involved and it was a big dramatic breakup, or maybe there were unkind words said on either side. Whatever the cause, your ex boyfriend needs some time to forget the drama and emotional intensity of the breakup.
In addition to that, chances are that he needs some time to forget the things he didn’t like about you or your relationship. It is, unfortunately, the case for all of us that after some time of being together we start seeming a little less perfect to our partners.
Our flaws begin to show.
Maybe we begin to work less hard at the relationship or forget about our own health and goals. I have definitely been guilty of this. In short, the magic and mystery leave the relationship and are replaced by something more valuable, but a little less exciting: comfort.
By distancing yourself from your ex after a breakup, you are creating an aura of mystery and allure around yourself. Your ex used to know what you were up to every second of the day, but now, he doesn’t have that privilege anymore.
So we’ve established why the absence is important psychologically. Now let’s talk about the second part of that quote: how does is make the heart grow fonder?
In the direct aftermath of the breakup, your ex boyfriend may be feeling some sadness, but he may also feel some relief. After all, he broke up with you. If he changes his mind at any point, surely you will be sitting by the phone waiting for him, never having looked at another man while you were separated.
Though you may worry that pulling a total disappearing act on your ex will have the opposite effect, it actually is more likely to help him miss you.
Think about it. If you are there and available to him, answering his texts and liking his Facebook statuses, he will know he can get you back if he wants you.
That does not create any urgency.
It also doesn’t give him a chance to miss you.
How is he going to remember how great a girlfriend you were if you’re still making yourself available to him every moment of every day just like you were when you were together?
He won’t get the chance to miss you if you do that. It’s that simple.
But with time and space away, two things will begin to happen in your ex’s brain:
- He will begin to remember what an awesome girlfriend you are, and all the joy and laughter you brought to his life. He’ll remember the soup you brought him when he was sick, the time you surprised him with tickets to see his favorite band when they were in town, the time you held him and cried with him when his grandfather died. He will remember all of the good things. With time apart from each other, all of the fights, the yelling, and the criticism will all disappear and will be replaced with memories of all of the positive things from your relationship. And the seed will be planted: “She was great. Maybe I made a mistake…”
- The other thing that will begin to happen is that your ex will become curious. You were a part of each other’s day-to-day life before, but he hasn’t talked to you in a few weeks now, maybe a month. However, after you stopped responding to his texts he will have started checking out your social media. From there he will see all the pictures of you out with friends, and posts about the fun and exciting things you are accomplishing. Another seed will begin to sprout “does she even miss me?” And then more texts will go unanswered from you, and he’ll start to hear from mutual friends if you are dating. Maybe he’ll even see a photo of you out with another guy and another frantic seed will take root: “Has she moved on?”
This is how you create a dynamic of absence, thus making the heart grow fonder. But the real treat is that it also creates an urgency in your ex’s brain – the distance and space make him question if you’ve moved on and if it’s possible that he’s lost you forever.
What this really means is that you’ve got him exactly where you want him.
So hopefully the above section has convinced you WHY you should absolutely do No Contact.
But how does one successfully execute a successful No Contact period?
The secret is another thing that may seem counterintuitive:
No Contact is NOT about your ex. It’s about YOU.
Another common mistake I see people do during No Contact is to continue focusing and obsessing over their ex – and to constantly find ways to justify it.
Earlier, we were talking about planting seeds in your ex’s brain first while ignoring him, and that will come easily and naturally if you put yourself first.
Women have such a tendency to put other people’s needs above our own. But now is the time to focus on you.
Sure, during No Contact you should post about all the changes you’re making and all the fun you’re having on social media for him and his sphere of influence to see. But, don’t get too obsessive about it.
No Contact is about you and what you want to accomplish to be a better, happier person – with or without your ex. The only person that you will for sure be spending the rest of your life with is yourself, so you should put as much effort into learning to love yourself as you can.
Look at The Holy Trinity of health, wealth, and relationships, and consider what you can do to lead a more fulfilling, joyful life. My guess is that, while you were in your relationships, your friendships may have been neglected. That is what usually happens when someone gets wrapped up in a new relationship.
So, call up some old friends and get sushi or something. Start a workout routine – it will help you get into shape. No to mention, physical activity produces feel-good chemicals in the brain, so you’ll feel better too.
Are you feeling stuck at your job? Start revamping that resume and putting it out there to feel out a potential career move.
No Contact can be turned into such a wonderful opportunity if you fully commit to completing it.
It makes me sad when I see girls in our Private EBR Facebook Group who spend all of No Contact obsessing over their ex.
You can’t control if your ex is going out on dates and sleeping around, or if he’s going to text you back once you complete No Contact. The only thing you can control is YOU. I’ll say this again because it is important that you know it…
The only person you are guaranteed to get to live with until the end of your days is YOU. Do you see what I’m getting at, here?
Every time you feel the urge to obsess over your ex, throw yourself into something that will benefit your Holy Trinity. I have seen many success stories come from the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Facebook Group, and the one thing that they all have in common is that all women, not only successfully completed No Contact where they ignored their ex boyfriend for 21, 30, or 45 days, but also DESTROYED The Holy Trinity (in a good way) and became happier with themselves, so that even if they didn’t get their ex back, they were happier with who they are. And honestly, that is what the Ex Boyfriend Recovery journey is about.
Moving on Without Moving On
So far, this article has been about the power of ignoring and the impact it can have on your ex boyfriend recovery journey if you do it correctly.
There is one other concept I want to cover, and that is Moving on Without Moving on.
Guy breaks up with Girl.
Girl is very upset and cries a lot.
Girl sits on couch eating ice cream for days and Guy goes out partying.
Girl keeps trying to talk to Guy, who ignores her.
Girl begins to feel better.
Guy begins to feel worse.
Girl isn’t over guy yet, but decides to start trying dating.
Girl Meets someone amazing.
Guy starts to realize what he lost.
Guy asks girl to catch up and tells her how he feels…
Girl is over it. She’s moved on.
I have seen this happen time and time again.
Hell, I’ve lived this!
My last ex confessed that he was still in love with me and that no girl he has dated since even compared. But, by that point, I was happily involved in a new relationship and shot him down.
Hey, I was as nice as I could be about it. I didn’t pull a Princess Peach.
It’s the push/pull theory at work. When you’re making an effort, your ex knows that they could have you back if they wanted to, so there is no urgency. You’re pushing, and they’re pulling away.
However, when you make the choice to move on, you stop pushing. Your ex feels that energy shift, and so they begin pushing back. That is why moving on without moving on can be so effective, and why you should use the push/pull theory even before you make the call to move on.
Don’t be too available. Make him work. Don’t put up with rude behavior. Don’t give him whatever he wants. Stand up for yourself. There are so many things you can do to set boundaries and make sure your ex is working for your attention. Above it all, stop contacting him contsantly. Let him come to you.
Moving on is one of the most effective ways to get your ex back. If you make the decision to move on, even though you still love your ex, that energy shifts. And you know what? Either your ex will come back, or you will be on your way to moving on to bigger and better things.
Take Back the Power
Ignoring someone can be a very powerful tool.
Hell, in the first season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a girl named Marcie Ross was ignored so much in high school that she literally turned invisible:
“People perceived Marcie as, as, as invisible, […] and she became so.”
– Giles, “Out of Mind, Out of Sight”
Every day I see how effective No Contact is at getting under the skin of the guys that the women in the group are trying to get back.
Being ignored makes you feel like you don’t matter – like you actually are invisible.
I know it’s hard to start ignoring the guy you still love, but if you want to get him back, the best thing you can do is to give him some time and space to live with the repercussions of his decisions and let those seeds take root.
And while he is off remembering how awesome you are, you take care of yourself so that you can remember how awesome you are, too.
Alright, so e have covered a lot of information here today. But, all in all, the take away should explain WHEN you should leave your ex alone and HOW it effects him. If you missed that, you would be ignoring him during No Contact and using that time to make your life epic. Then you will use the EBR guidelines from the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro Book to reconnect and build rapport. If you successfully complete No Contact and ignore him for the full amount of time, then you are more likely to be successful with reconnecting, building rapport, and essentially getting him back.
So, now that you are fully equipped to get your ex back by ignoring him, let’s talk about your breakup in the comments below. Let me know about your breakup;
- What caused it
- What you’ve done since
- What you think you are supposed to do next
From there we are going to discuss what your best next step is.