Making your ex miss you is the basic foundation of getting them back so today I’m going to tell you whether leaving your ex alone will make them miss you.

I will also share a pretty game-changing fact that links long-distance relationships and if leaving an ex alone will make them miss you so stay tuned for that.

First things first though. Let’s tackle the million dollar question first.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Will My Ex Miss Me If I Leave Them Alone?

Scientifically speaking, yes.

Your ex is hardwired to miss you after a breakup.

If you’re thinking “yay, that’s awesome. I’m golden now”, think again. Missing you won’t make your ex automatically commit to you.

That’s a very important distinction to understand because making an ex miss you is only half the battle. It’s still super important though! We’ve found a lot of scientific evidence and real-life success stories that prove the connection between an ex missing you if you leave them alone.

Think of it as a series of steppingstones – if you leave your ex alone, he will remember the good times and miss you, and then he “might” be on the right track to getting back together.

I emphasize that he “might” be on the track to committing to you again because it all depends on how you approach the situation. Without proper signals and efforts from you, he’ll probably just miss you and get over it.

So yeah, sorry to burst your bubble because right now you’re probably thinking that the end goal is to make your ex miss you. It isn’t. There’s a lot that happens after that but don’t worry, I’ll show you the next steps by the end of the article.

The Psychology of Why Leaving Your Ex Alone Will Make Them Miss You

One of the best ways to study if leaving your ex alone will actually make them miss you is by making yourself familiar with our findings on Avoidant Exes. I recently talked about what it takes to get avoidant exes to miss you.

The reason I did that video and article was twofold:

Literally everyone on our private Facebook support group wanted to know how to get an avoidant ex to miss them

I was really curious too so I went down a deep YouTube and psychology rabbit hole to see how I could help clients crack their stubborn avoidant exes

Before we go further, you might be wondering what on earth is an avoidant ex? Well, that requires a basic understanding of attachment styles so here’s a quick summary of the four main attachment style types:

  1. Secure attachment – the holy grail of attachment styles where you are so confident in yourself that your worth is not defined by your ex/partner and you don’t care whether your ex comes back.
  2. Anxious attachment style – the most obsessive, clingy, and codependent attachment style where you constantly attach your self-worth and emotional wellbeing to your ex.
  3. Avoidant attachment style – the most aloof and emotionally unavailable attachment style where you are afraid of getting too close to someone so you avoid deep emotional attachments.
  4. Fearful attachment style – a rare combination of anxious and avoidant types.

People don’t always 100% fit in one specific attachment style category but you probably fit more into one of those categories than others.

The same goes for your ex.

There’s a pretty high probability that you’re an anxious attachment style and your ex is an avoidant attachment style. What does this look like?

You, in all your anxious attachment glory, constantly get on your ex’s case and try to obsessively fix things. You’re probably used to blowing up their phone or maybe even showing up at their house in desperate attempts to get them back.

That kind of behavior is the exact opposite of what an avoidant ex needs.

According to Freetoattach.com people with avoidant attachment styles “want connection like everyone else but their deepest fear is that love and closeness come at the cost of freedom.”1

These avoidants run from any kind of emotional vulnerability so how are you supposed to make them miss you?

By doing nothing and just leaving them alone.

Our biggest takeaway about avoidant exes is: Avoidants are free to long for an ex once that person is unavailable out of the relationship and typically out of contact.

In other words, your ex literally won’t allow himself to miss you until he feels like you’ve let go of him. Only then will he feel comfortable enough to romanticize the high points of your relationship.

This proves that leaving your ex alone, at least in this context, is a really good idea that improves the odds of making them miss you.

Here’s another interesting consideration for why leaving your ex alone can make them miss you…

The Grass Is Greener Syndrome and How It Relates to Moving On

Grass is greener syndrome – when your ex breaks up with you because they think they can do better than you.

That’s usually what most breakups are – one party thinking the grass is greener on the other side and that they can find a better partner.

How can you snap your ex out of this grass is greener syndrome?

I can certainly tell you how not to do it – obsessively texting him to get back together definitely isn’t the answer here.

What you need to do is leave your ex alone so he can explore other options.

I get a riot on my hands every time I say this because my clients always say, “I don’t want him moving on and comparing the new person to me”. I say “yes, that’s exactly what you want.”

The key to making an ex with grass is greener syndrome miss you is to make them regret their choices. They need to actually date other people to realize how good they had it with you.

Now is there a chance your ex might genuinely fall for the new girl and move on? Yes, that risk is always there but the alternative is being clingy and overbearing and pushing them away anyway.

Your best bet is to let your ex get over that honeymoon period with their new partner.

Once their honeymoon period is over and they get into the nitty-gritty of the relationship, your ex will start comparing that to the high points of his relationship with you. All the bad memories and fights kinda fade away and allow him to reminisce about the good times and amazing first experiences you shared.

This leads to regret and your ex asking himself “this new relationship isn’t as good as I felt before.” They’ll start to miss you and that is bound to cause problems in the new relationship, especially if your ex starts talking to you and relying on you for emotional support.

See how basically every logical conclusion of leaving your ex alone ends up making your ex miss you? Next up let’s get to the BIG discovery about long-distance relationships and making exes miss you…

What Long-Distance Relationships Teach Us About Leaving Your Ex Alone

According to a new study published by the Journal of Communication,

“Couples in long-distance relationships have more meaningful interactions than those who see each other on a daily basis, leading to higher levels of intimacy.”2

Contrary to popular belief that long-distance relationships (LDRs) are too hard to sustain and eventually break up, this study shows that people in LDR actually invest more MEANINGFUL time in the relationship.

I recently talked about the importance of silence, specifically the effective silence of a no-contact rule.

Silence creates unpredictability and suspense. That unpredictability helps to break up patterns and make things more interesting.

Think about it – what does an average day look like for a couple that lives together?

Maybe watching some TV together, talking about trivial work things, and going to sleep.

Now, what does a day together look like for long-distance couples who rarely see each other or talk to each other?

Perhaps a whole day of new adventures and lots of new and exciting conversations.
See what I’m getting at here? The main difference between regular relationships and long-distance relationships is that LDRs have a limited amount of interactions and need to make the most of them.

There’s a high premium on their time together so they focus on making every moment and conversation count, unlike those who see their partners as a part of their boring everyday routine.

What does that have to do with leaving your ex alone?

One of the primary reasons people break up was because of their patterns and routines. They got too complacent, safe, and boring in the relationship. Your ex probably said something like this to you, “I wish you were more spontaneous and we would do something exciting!” Then they left to find that excitement and thrill with someone else.

Eventually, if you leave them alone and give them the benefit of the time, having a conversation with you will come at a premium as opposed to their new partner who they see every day. This is even better when you get back in contact with them but limit yourself so they’re always left wanting more.

This is why the first step after any breakup is a no-contact rule.

A no-contact rule is a period of 21-45 days where you purposefully ignore your ex and focus on yourself.

While a no-contact rule is a great first step, there’s still a lot to be done…

We’ve Found That Pulling Back Alone Won’t Make an Ex Take Action to Re-commit

Leaving your ex alone by doing a no contact rule is a good way to raise their ears but then you have to engage and keep their attention till they’re ready to recommit.

That’s where our two core concepts of the value ladder and value chain come in.

The value ladder and value chain give detailed outlines and advice about how to gradually build value over different topics and mediums of conversation.

Head over to our search bar and search “value ladder” or “value chain” to learn more about the next steps after a successful no-contact rule.

Conclusion:

Yes, leaving your ex alone will make them miss you but that is not enough to make them re-commit to you.

Leaving an ex alone by doing a no-contact rule disrupts your boring everyday routine and puts a premium on any conversations you have later on just like couples in long-distance relationships.

What to Read Next

How to Make Your Ex Miss You Without Talking To Him

By Chris Seiter | 129 comments

How To Make An Avoidant Ex Miss You

By Chris Seiter | 3 comments

Will Silence Make A Man Miss Me?

By Chris Seiter | 0 comments

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72 thoughts on “If I Leave My Ex Alone Will He Miss Me?”

  1. Avatar

    Kaitlain Ott

    February 21, 2021 at 12:23 am

    My ex and I broke up about a month ago, he says I hurt him bad by not making him a priority .We have been texting everyday since and he says he needs time to think if he wants to get back togeher . I was wrong and apologized. he tells me he loves me but he says he’s too hurt to get back with me right now . if i don’t talk to him won’t he just push the pain down and forget me.

  2. Avatar

    kaitlain

    February 21, 2021 at 12:19 am

    My ex boyfriend and i broke up 2 months ago . we have been in contact for a month . he says i hurt him and neither of us were happy the last month of our relationship . he says he still loves me but needs time and i begged and told him things would chnage but he said he needs time and told me for now his answer is no. i know he loves me and doesn’t want me to wait but i wanna be with him , if i leave him alone won’t he just get over me

  3. Avatar

    Jessie

    February 12, 2021 at 1:30 am

    My ex in I broke up 11 days ago because we kept arguing over him not being affectionate and attentive to me. I ended up leaving the house we shared together one morning and when I came back 2 hrs later he was gone with all his things plus changed his number. I called his other number and he answered but quickly hung up when he knew it was me and ignored my text and calls, so I decided to go nc until yesterday when I accidentally called him from WhatsApp and he didn’t answer. I don’t know if he called back because I deleted the app soon after. I am continuing my Nc and I just hope he comes back because we did have a great relationship of 2 years off and on.and I hope he didn’t go back to none of his ex’s. Or in a rebound relationship but If I don’t hear from him in time of Valentine’s Day which is Sunday then I am officially moving on even though it would hurt me like hell

  4. Avatar

    Sally

    February 8, 2021 at 9:58 pm

    My boyfriend broke up with me last wednesday and ofcourse I made the mistakes of begging and gnatting constantly for 3 days… I know it was wrong.
    The reason we broke up is because this is his first relationship but my 4th and he said to me the reason for breaking up is because relationships are too hard and he just wants to be alone… he even said we will never get back together and that he will not regret this, he also said that his interest in me is completly gone but said he still loves me.
    The problems in our relationship were something we could have easily fix but he does not believe it.
    The problem were my depression and my bad temper because of it but it was not always bad there came like 2 short phases where it was bad and we talked it through and bounced back to normal and got stronger, but now the third time he gave up on us. The relationship over all was so beautiful and passionate, best friends in the world always laughing and the sex was the best so over all the relationship was not that bad but he was so negative and gave up and does not believe it could have gone better, I have started therapy and got new medication and he didnt even wait for that to be success about my mental health. I know depression can bring other people down but what I am saying is that relationship was never doomed because when I was good wich was most of the time we were sooooo happy and good together. Thats why I will never understand why he broke up with me and I want him back so much, I want him to realize that it was a huge mistake and crawls back.
    Is there any chance to get him back even though he is very stubborn about his decisions and said “we are never getting back together” ?
    Also I know and I am very confident about it that he will never find anyone better than me because I treated him like a king and I am little bit out of his league 😉 I am super hot and super fun and did everything for him and put his feeling before mine and helped him through everything and still he gave up on us 🙁 please tell me he will regret this and come crawling back like a baby?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 11, 2021 at 8:50 pm

      Hi Sally. So, sorry but no he will not come crawling back like a baby as that is not something you should want!! However, if you spend some time working on yourself, your depression and your bad temper. Showing that you have made some positive changes to yourself but you say he didn’t wait around you have said that you have had episodes where you got bad and then back to “good” again and then the same pattern repeated itself. So he did wait. To get him back, it means that you are going to have to show that you have been working on yourself, and that these changes are permanent not just a stage to get him back. Honestly though, you need to change this mindset that he should be crawling back to you – he left because he couldn’t deal with the situation.

  5. Avatar

    Sophie

    January 27, 2021 at 8:32 am

    Hi, my ex broke up with me a few days ago. I lied about my age saying I was 19 when I was 18. My ex said he forgave me but could not forget. We were together for a year and had a very strong connection. We still love each other very much and he says he will always care about me and want to know how I am. He said he still loved me and would miss me, but he was just not happy living or being with me. He said he want happy with himself either.

    I just love him so much and I hope the no contact will make him realise the good thing about me and what he’s lost. He is so stubborn, that I’m scared I’ll lose him forever.

  6. Avatar

    Nina

    January 4, 2021 at 3:57 pm

    My ex and I broke-up on 9 Nov after 2.5 years together. Our last contact was 12 Dec – I acted like a “stalker” and showed-up at his house to talk, which he didn’t take well to obviously. I was just in so much pain. It was an emotional/aggressive interaction. I sent an apology text the next morning and we haven’t been in touch since then. I haven’t been deleted/blocked/unfriended from anything. I didn’t say Merry Christmas or Happy New Year, so have been in NC for almost three weeks now. Curiously, his brother (after two months of the break-up) unfriended me close to New Year’s Eve from Instagram, but is still following my profile, while again, my ex hasn’t done any unfriending/deleting/blocking of me on any platforms. I know I should probably remain in no contact, but his birthday is on 16 January and it makes me feel anxious, because I feel bad not wishing someone happy birthday who was such a big part of my life. Any advice/insight into the situation?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 25, 2021 at 4:37 pm

      Hi Nina, in this program we say not to reach out on his birthday at all. Not reaching out is going to show your ex that you are no longer in the sidelines waiting for a reason to reach out to him. Stay in No Contact and make sure that you are working on yourself in this time.

  7. Avatar

    Anonymous

    November 2, 2020 at 11:41 am

    We have been together on and off for a year and month. He was always the one to end things but then come back. I ended things with him about 2 weeks ago something I have never done before. A few days later I realized that I made a mistake and I attempted to fix things, but he told me that he did not want to fix anything and that he is done with me for good but said that we could be friends. I agreed to it at first because I did not want him out of my life. On Saturday night I made a mistake and drunk texted him expressing my feelings and asking him to consider us fixing things. He said that he would not consider it, not after everything (he says that if I was the one who always messed up, but he was the one who always messed up). Anyway I then said to him maybe we should go our separate ways then so that I could move on with my life and that maybe we will meet again in future, and I also asked him to block to me. He did that, then I started acting crazy by calling him and blowing up his phone, he ended up blocking me from everything including calls and then sent me a text saying that he’ll never answer my calls again and he will never ever talk to me again.

    Please help, what should I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 2, 2020 at 8:27 pm

      Hey there, so you need to follow the rules of no contact for at least 45 days and then attempt to reach out with one of Chris’ texts. However, if you are in a hard block then you are forced to follow the rules of no contact until you are unblocked. Work through the articles that apply to your situation and focus on the Ungettable girl and holy trinity ones to work on you.

  8. Avatar

    Ally

    October 24, 2020 at 11:37 am

    Hi ,
    My boyfriend broke up with me in June , things had become difficult for us because of covid and other things , we were arguing a lot and it became very on and off , it just didn’t seem to get better. We had been together for nearly 3 years but we had been best friends before that for almost 8 years , he told me he had to focus on other things eg : himself , family ,work and friends , but I think there was more too it. I was so hurt and I didn’t understand at the time as it was a quick and final decision , so I tried relentlessly to sort things out and fix our relationship for nearly three months after the initial split – I basically became a gnat (something I regret now). This only pushed him further away until it became nasty and he didn’t seem to care about loosing what we had.
    We met a few times to try and talk , but they all ended in tears or arguments as he said to me he was unsure what he wanted and he that didn’t want to hurt me so he was doing it for the both of us. The final time I saw him he was very cold and his decision was pretty final , in the end I had no choice but to walk away. I have not contacted him since that last meet up which was the end of September , and I have now successfully completed 24 days no contact – he hasn’t reached out to me at all and now I am worried things will never resolve.
    During this time I have really worked on myself even though it has been so hard to not contact him , but now I am thinking does he even miss me ? He is very stubborn and I feel that if he does not reach out , I will have to contact first and that will put me back in the position where he will think I am needy. I have read so many things on this website and so far it has really helped me to reach a better place , I am at the point now where I feel like just give up and walking away for good but part of me says to stick it out , as something may come from my efforts of no contact.
    Will I be able to resole this problem and get my boyfriend back ? and how long should I carry on with no contact if he does not reach out to me ? what shall I do ?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 28, 2020 at 5:03 am

      Hi Ally, if you follow the program correctly, starting with no contact and working on yourself then you give yourself a good chance of getting your ex back. It is important that you read articles to help you through the program and understand what you need to be doing in each stage of the program.

  9. Avatar

    Re

    July 15, 2020 at 9:40 am

    Hi, me and my ex broke up a month ago we are in alevels together and corona did make things difficult but we managed! But anyway he thought I was lying about something not really that deep but I wasn’t and I got my sister to back me up and he did not like that and dumbed me. I’ve not seen him since then as we are Ovs in corona but it’s so hard to let go because my mind is telling me he is coming back when we see each other although that seems to be highly unlikely as I said when he dumbed me if it’s meant to be we will come back and he said no he would never flirt or date me again. However I haven’t really done no contact like the most has been like 5 day’s as he texted me onec as I want to leave the school we are both at but he didn’t think I should and that made me think he cared about me but then a day later I explained why I wanted to leave and he had a go at me and just said you do what you want and all the best and he thought all these bad things of me and then ignored me. I also messaged him onec to say I just want us to be on good terms and he said we are and that was it and then messaged to say Thankyou for helping me with my theory I appreciate it and he said “no worries I hope it helped:)” anyway we dated for 8 months but he liked me for 2 years I think. it’s now summer so I won’t see him till September and he isn’t talking to any other girl he just works and plays with his boys on PlayStation but I miss him and love him so much and it feels like it’s getting harder not easier. As I really really want him back in my life and idk why he dosnt miss me

  10. Avatar

    Robin

    June 1, 2020 at 3:06 pm

    I have a unique situation. My ex and i broke up in October after it being an on and off type relationship. When we first split, I cut communication completely and then a few weeks later he asked if we could be friends. I agreed to this even though i knew it would be hard. Our friendship has been so rocky, and i think that’s because feelings are still very high. We would fight constantly, even more then when we were together. A couple weeks ago, we kind of blew up at each through texting and I haven’t spoke to him since. He told me to stay away from every one. But then this past weekend, he asked a mutual friend if he could come to a party I was at. I told the friend I didn’t think that was a good idea and that we need to talk first and apologize. So he basically never showed up and now i feel like i should of asked him to come so we can talk. I hope i’m doing this right. The not communicating and such. I just want to know if I’m on the right path to reconciling and making things with him even better than before. I don’t want him to start hating me and never want anything to do with me anymore. Please help?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 7, 2020 at 8:41 pm

      Hey Robin, I would suggest that you spend your time in the longer No Contact period so that you give your ex some time apart and yourself some time to work on your Holy Trinity and to become Ungettable. Chris has many articles to help you with this so that at the end of your No Contact you can plan and prepare a text that is going to capture your exes attention and create a short but positive conversation with your ex

  11. Avatar

    alyssa brito

    May 3, 2020 at 6:49 am

    Hi, 1 broke up with my ex 3 months ago because i caught him cheating. Weve been together for 4 years. This is our 2nd breakup and the reason is still the same. We also have a small business that started last yr only. And i am so hurt because despite everything i did for him, he still have time to flirt with other girls. When i broke up with him, he never talk to me anymore and he is so mad at me and badmouthing me to all our friends in the office. Just after a month, he has a new girl but they dont post it on public. Its been 3 months since we broke up but i cant move on. I am still so hurt and i dont know if he will realize my worth. I didnt contact him since february and he is showing that life is happier without me.

  12. Avatar

    Courtney J

    March 18, 2020 at 3:16 pm

    My ex Fiancé broke up with me nearly 2 weeks ago, we’d been together for nearly 6 year, been engaged for 10 months and had lived together for almost 4 years. He broke up with me because he said he wasn’t happy and felt he was putting in most of the effort in intimacy wise, it came totally out of the blue as he’d never said he wasn’t happy before and he never seemed unhappy. I am completely heartbroken, we were saving to buy a house and talking about having a baby etc. We’ve been in no contact now for a week and I just feel totally lost, I’ve been blocked on all social media and my number has been blocked, to begin with I begged and begged for him to take me back and realised I wasn’t getting anywhere so decided to just not contact him in the hopes he’ll miss me, will this work? I’m so scared that he’s not going to come back and it just seems to hurt more and more as time goes by. He really is my soulmate and I don’t want to lose him for good.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 23, 2020 at 11:46 pm

      Hi Courtney, completing a no contact is going to allow your ex the chance to miss you. I would suggest that you reflect on your intimacy in the relationship to see if there is any truth in what he said he felt. Take on board that he hadnt communicated this with you before the breakup too.

  13. Avatar

    J

    March 13, 2020 at 10:15 am

    Hey
    So I started dating a guy in November and we fell for eachother hard. By January we had already had a few arguements and kept breaking up and getting back together. We broke up start of February and by end of February he had messaged to say he misses me etc so we met up and ended up getting back together. We broke up within a week and I did all the stuff I shouldn’t do – message, call and cry to him. He has now blocked me on all platforms and I cannot contact him. The conversation ended with us agreeing that our hearts say yes but our heads say no.

    Do you think that now I should just let go forever and not bother trying to contact him or would the 30 days no contact still be an option? What if he hasn’t contacted me or even unblocked me by this stage?
    I love him very much 🙁

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 18, 2020 at 1:40 am

      Hi J yes 30 days No contact would still be an option! Give the program a go by reading as much information as you can to your situation and then apply this. Work on yourself and make sure that you work on becoming the best version of yourself

  14. Avatar

    Samantha

    February 2, 2020 at 2:38 am

    Hi there. My ldr ex fiancé of 2 years broke up with me 5 days ago. It wasn’t over a fight, we didn’t say any nasty things. He told me that he feels stuck in life with his job and school and at home, he feels overworked and that he doesn’t have time to just be him. He explained that even though he still loves me that he doesn’t have the mental space to be able to be in any relationship right now and that it wasn’t me. He explained that if he had his own place and was settled with a job etc he would then be able to take on a relationship. He told me I’m so pretty and I could get any guy I want, that there are other good guys out there (I think he was also starting to have low self esteem from not being in the gym etc) but when I said I’m not thinking of other guys and that I really want him, he said he knows how I feel because he doesn’t think there will be anyone after me. We had a plan for me to come over for the summer, and next year to close the gap after college. Maybe he felt smothered by me or realized he wanted more time to really focus on school and his career. When I said hey maybe we might get back together down the road he said maybe. That he doesn’t know exactly how long it will take for him and that he doesn’t want me to feel pressured to wait for him. We agreed to keep open communication (aka not block eachother) I tried to negotiate because I obviously love him and was willing to be flexible but he had already made his decision of what he thinks is right. I didn’t beg, I didn’t get angry and I stayed strong. I said I love you, and he said I love you too. The call ended and I immediately went into no contact and haven’t said anything since. Currently I haven’t been on my social medias. No Instagram or Twitter or Snapchat. I’ll occasionally repost a cute animal video on Facebook but that’s it. His friends and mom/sister are still friends with me, nobodies reached out. I don’t know if they even know yet. I’m left feeling so many emotions. I really love this man but after reading your article I love myself more. I want to better myself. I think those are my next steps. I don’t plan to post or even go on my socials for the time being except animal vids on Facebook. I am sad, but there’s nothing I can really do.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 17, 2020 at 8:52 am

      Samantha, well done you! This is amazing post and you have dealt with this situation perfectly! Keep going strong <3

  15. Avatar

    Xxxx

    May 21, 2019 at 8:50 am

    Hi, he broke up with me 3 days ago, today is day 4. The moment he broke up with me I went to take my belongings from his place and I left the stuff he bought for me. I blocked on fb, unfollowed on ig- and haven’t contacted him since.

    He seems to be in contact with my mom to ask me how I am, but my mom a replied a bit I told her to tell him that I am uncomfortable with her updating him with my life, so she did.

    His dad has texted me to apologise about the bad timing as well (exams in 3 weeks) and was really kind to me m, hoping to see me after I’m done with my postgraduate.

    We’ve been together for two years, he thinks it’s long enough to know we’re incompatible, a connection is missin and such – but I suspect he wants to explore whether there is someone better out there that fits his criteria 10/10.

    We had big arguments last time but recently before the break up we were working constructively at our problems and he acknowledges I can change for the better as well but he just can’t feel the ‘connection’.

    I am his first committed girlfriend, and his first in bed. I think we have a healthy relationship and would make a great team. But it seems that he doesn’t feel so suddenly. He says he thought about it for awhile and it’s rational and he doesn’t feel committed anymore.

    As I said, I haven’t been in contact w him since the break up and have been busy rebuilding myself and focusing on myself bc previously I was focusing on the RS. I’m going on a date tomorrow.

    But I want him back bc I know we got something good and healthy.

  16. Avatar

    KH

    April 15, 2019 at 1:09 am

    Hi.

    My boyfriend and I had been together for almost 4 years, lived together for almost a year. We went to high school together. I’m 19 and he’s 21. He broke up with me a few days before our anniversary. Anyway here’s the time line.

    So Friday the 5th, he just seems quiet and tells me I’m a little selfish and that I need to stop hounding him because our relationship isn’t on the rocks. Which I was like alright well I will clean more and worry about myself. Give him some space.

    My cousins came over the weekend before our breakup date (he left me Monday the 8th, and it’s now the 14th). We had so much fun and got drunk. My cousins all talked to me about how distant my SO seemed towards me, and how he doesn’t answer when I say I love him. During this time my cat runs out of our place and because I’m drunk I have a breakdown. My cousin is waiting for my SO to hold me while I cry, but he didn’t come around to help me. My cousin held me while I cried.

    I eventually got my cat back when I calmed down and looked. My SO was off. So they leave, and my SO goes out and comes back late. I try to snuggle him when he got home but he pushed me away. He goes to work Monday the 8th and I know something is off because he left the house without saying he loved me. So I was panicking and texted him to meet me for coffee.

    He shows up and just says we need to take it slow. Then says we need a break. Then says he’s completely done with me. He began to say how unappreciative and disrespectful I am towards him. How I have a bad attitude and behavior. How I’m childish. I was heartbroken completely. The man I loved was just tearing me apart. He said the truth hurts doesn’t it.

    I asked why he was making it out to be like I was such a horrible woman. I was shocked. I told him I was sexually frustrated because he never wanted me. He said he was sexually frustrated too because there wasn’t any emotion anymore. I said I don’t need him but I still want him. He said well I don’t want you and I don’t love you. I said I feel like you haven’t loved me in a long time. He said alright see ya. He walked off leaving me breaking down in public.

    I called my friend (let’s call him C, he’s our mutual friend). C says he’s on his way to pick me up. My now ex calls me saying he’ll take me home and he doesn’t trust me with C (keep in mind I would never do anything with C, or any other man.) I told my ex he can’t control me anymore since he broke up with me. I go with C to his house. My mom, who lives 6 hours away, drives up to where I live at 11 pm. We get to a hotel and that’s that. I go home for a week (this is now the 6th day home) and since then my ex has put up our house on Facebook, says he’s looking for a roommate. Most of my stuff is already packed. I’m leaving soon to go and get my stuff. I haven’t talked to him since he called me saying not to go with C.

    From what I hear he’s having a hard time, he wants space. If he doesn’t want me back, I’ll have to move 6 hours away. My friends who are also friends with hunter say I need to give him space and it wouldn’t benefit to talk to him right now. Is it possible to do no contact in this situation? Should I talk to him about any of this? I really need help guys. I love this man with all my heart, and I love my home, I love my job. I don’t want to lose it all and I really don’t want to lose my best friend. Please help me, I am at rock bottom. I’m so confused what to do.

  17. Avatar

    Lucy

    February 12, 2019 at 11:21 pm

    Hi chris! I wanted to message you as I’ve been reading your blogs for the last 4 weeks but haven’t seen a comment close to my situation so I will explain and hopefully you can give me some words of wisdom!

    So basically, me and my ex broke up about 2 months ago he said he wasn’t happy in himself and couldn’t make me happy whilst he felt like that. We ended it by saying we would have no contact and see eachother 3 weeks later after Christmas. We did text a little bit throughout the following 2 weeks and then the 3rd week I got a huge paragraph telling me that I’m amazing and none of this is my fault and to let me know he was okay but he wasn’t sure if he can give me what I need. So I obviously got upset and replied saying it’s not fair he then said this is the problem and I’m very argumentative! So I called him as texting was just getting heated and he said to me that I nag and get angry I got sad and he had to go close the shop at work. I then thought it wasn’t fair so I called him back and said I’m coming to get my stuff tonight you can’t message me all that and then expect me to let you say it. He then said he was sorry he sent it and to ignore it and he’s not good with words but I said I wasn’t waiting another week and I would come up in 2 days. So I did, I honestly thought he’d see me and change his mind but he didn’t he said I was horrible and didn’t realise what I said and I cried so much. I left and the following day I messaged him to say how sorry I was and he said seeing me cry made him realise how much he loved and missed me. We agreed to no contact at all until the date we originally planned to see eachother (8 days later) and I also asked him not to message me Christmas Day as it would ruin my day. he text me everyday.. he said ‘just wanted you to know your all I can think about’ he messaged me Christmas Eve ‘I hope you have a good day tomorrow’ I then woke up to a text Christmas Day and again Boxing Day and then I saw him the following day he then said he had to let me go and it wasn’t fair! So we left it I then spoke to him a few days later but it didn’t go well he said we have to leave it and he doesn’t know how he’ll feel to meet up again. Following day it was New Year’s Eve didn’t hear a word all day, got into bed and midnight and my phone went off it was him asking me to go round. He lives 45 minutes away but I stupidly went! When I got there he was so drunk so I left him to Sort himself out and he slept on the sofa. He went to work in the morning and came back at lunch time he said I could stay and watch films with him so I did we had a chat when he got back and he said he wanted to see me again once a week and make it fun again! So we planned to see eachother a few days later. We didn’t speak and the day before he called me saying to reschedule but he seemed weird and I questioned it he said he’d been worrying again about everything and wasn’t sure if he wanted to see me. I said out of respect you need to see me! And then he said ok. We didn’t speak till I got there, I didn’t want to question everything I just wanted to show him we can still have fun! I ended up staying and we slept together, spent all of the next day together and then i packed up all my stuff and he cried he said everything will work out and if we’re meant to be together we will be. I didn’t speak to him for a week and then i saw he got a big deal on a job and felt it was right to congratulate him. We spoke non stop for 2 days! I said would be nice to go for a coffee in a few weeks and he agreed! He also started explaining to me how he also got another job and got on a new football team without me asking. A few days later we were talking and he was flirting. So I said about staying over when I meet him and he freaked out and said he couldn’t see me. I then did the no contact rule for 15 days. Day 15 I went for dinner with his friends girlfriends (my friends too) one told me he said similar things to his ex when they broke up though when he said them to me he said he’d never said it before! I started getting upset and couldn’t not say anything but I couldn’t text or call in case he ignored me. So I drove to his and knocked on the door. He was shocked! We sat in my car and spoke and said it was all lies. He said the break up hasn’t been that bad as he’s been busy with work. He then started to tell me he’s getting a new car and moving in with one of his friends that I won’t be happy about (a girl friend that says stupid stuff without thinking but is literally just a friend) again without me asking anything to do with either! I said all he thinks about are the negative stuff but he said he’s been thinking positive and does miss me but I had annoyed him a lot by turning up and he said there’s a good chance we might not get back together now but he might miss me in a few months and went back inside. The next day I said to him I didn’t want it to end like that but I couldn’t have not said anything he said bye I don’t need this I went abit crazy with messaging and said he’ll realise I’m the one and the grass isn’t greener but it will be too late when he does and he didn’t reply. A few days later I thought he is just thinking I’m there on a plate so i messaged and said to him I deserve to be treated better the last 2 months he’s shown his true colours and it’s not someone I want in my life he told me that there’s someone out there better suited for me and he doesn’t think we should speak again. I didn’t reply! I then put a post on Facebook the following day about a new job I’ve got and he unfriended me straight away. It’s like he can’t bare to see that I do well. Of course partly it was a dig to make him think I’m ok without him but still! I don’t know what to think or what to do!!!

  18. Avatar

    Shavon

    January 1, 2019 at 9:23 pm

    My child father leave me with our child, but now he say he still love me,he put me true hell. Will he pay for what he did to me

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 2, 2019 at 5:39 am

      Time for you to focus on your own needs and healing and there are a lot of recovery activities that can help you.

  19. Avatar

    C

    November 21, 2018 at 8:53 pm

    I’ve known my ex for about 9 months. Its been an off and on relationship as he is dealing with personal issues not related to me. During that time he got really depressed and shut me out (I also think he has ptsd but never admitted it), I completely cut contact with him in October so I could be happy with myself again. A month later he texted me and fb messaged apologizing and saying he’d return my key along with ask any questions, after seeing me at a work lunch (We do work together but not the same departments/building so occasionally have to walk past each other.) I responded saying we could talk because he said he wants to talk about what’s happened and what we are going to do about it but he never showed up. a week later I demanded he brought my key back because I got impatient waiting for him to be ready for “the talk” but when he did show I made him sit down and talk to me for 10 minutes. He told me how hes working on improving himself (going to gym/therpay) but can only focus on himself right now. From a previous month I witnessed him at a very low point and it effected me emotionally (cuz I didnt know how to help) and I feel like he shut me out to protect me from his unhappiness.

    When I grabbed his hands he claimed how much he still loves me then started rubbing just my ring finger and looking at it. He also said hes missed me so much he just doesnt have all the answers yet but will talk to me when he does. When he was leaving I hugged him and he pulled me in for a kiss, with a look of how badly he misses kissing me. He said it wasnt goodbye and “the talk” would come sooner but it’s been a couple weeks again of no contact, I’m afraid to text him even tho he said he’d respond, I dont know what to say.

    We have talked about a future together and he did promise he’d put a ring on my finger someday and still did. He also said I did not need to wait for him that he will do whatever to win me back when hes ready.
    I’m just so worried he wont try to win me back after he figures his stuff out and if he loved me so much why cant we have this talk. I understand he needs to be happy with himself first (not just because I make him). Should I do no contact again and let him come to me? I’m trying to be patient, I’ve already not talked to him for 2 weeks after getting my key back, would it be awkward to reach out? How can I help him or show support that I’m not giving up on our future together? Does he even still want to be with me?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      November 22, 2018 at 3:48 am

      Hi C…I do think you should see NC through. Pick up my Guide to help you along if need be or tap into the vast library of resources at my site!

  20. Avatar

    Seth

    September 10, 2018 at 8:00 pm

    My boyfriend of 2 years just dumped me a few days ago. It was around our 3rd week of starting college he is a few years older and transferred to a university after community college. He initiated a break because he was not sure how he felt about breaking up. A week later he ended it officially saying he enjoyed the freedom and didn’t feel the same anymore. I still talk to him because I miss him but I want to stop to make him miss me. I believe that moving to a new city and college was overwhelming for him and that pushed his feelings for me away and made him think being single was the best option. What should I do? Will he regret his decision and try to get back with me?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 11, 2018 at 12:44 am

      Hi Seth!

      I know things are still fresh in your mind and raw. I have a lot resources here that can help you with the personal recovery end. So it seems employing no contact would be a good tactic for you. You can learn all about that here in my books and other resources on the site (see home page).

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