By Tara O' Malley

“Will he come back if I stop chasing him?”

This is the nail-biting question that makes you pace the floor, unable to concentrate on work or the other areas of your life, isn’t it?

You wonder if his focus will shift to other attractive diversions, whether he will fill up the spaces in his life with non-girlfriend things, or worse – new girlfriend things!

Your mind begins to wander throughout the day to obsessive thoughts . . .

“Don’t I need to ensure I’ll be a constant reminder to him . . . . or at the very least, an intermittent reminder? Hold on, I’d better find out where his head is at, hadn’t I . . .”

You check his Facebook.

You check his Instagram.

You check his Snapchat stories.

You obsessively scout to see whether he’s been checking your Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat stories.

Would it hurt to “like” one of his posts?

Should you talk to one of his friends?

His mom? I mean, you did get along so well, after all.

Wouldn’t it be a good idea to run into him at the gym?

If you don’t, will he find someone else to talk to and ohmygosh, could they turn into a thing?!?

” I’m afraid he’ll find someone else?”

I want you to take a deep breath.

Don’t hold it!

Okay, now take another one.

I’m going to tell you something, but you have to be ready to be open to it, because it is not something you are going to WANT to do. You just have to trust me.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

The Single BEST Thing You Can Do Is To Stop Chasing Him

“Why,” you ask?

Well, men are actually resistant to chasing, so it becomes counterproductive. Just let that sit with you for a minute.

If you’re follow up question is,

“If I stop chasing, will he start chasing me and come back to me?”

Then you are DEFINITELY on the right page.

Think about every time you gave into the urge…

  • to chase
  • to over-contact
  • to be needy
  • and to get into his space uninvited

When you do these things you are actually setting yourself back from your goal of having him chase you.

Because that’s what you both want, him chasing you.

Why Is It Important To Stop Chasing Him?

You see, men feel a bit cheated when they don’t get the opportunity to pursue.

Here’s an example. I was recently talking to a close male confidante of mine about a woman he is dating. We’ll call him Matt*.

Well, Matt* liked this girl, let’s call her Jane*, quite a bit before they began going out.

Jane is accomplished, ambitious, funny, beautiful, and within our circle of friends.

But, once they began flirting, Jane was very direct and came on too strong for his liking. Matt’s satisfaction decreased by several levels right from the start, he told me!

As the weeks wore on, Jane laid it on the line; she didn’t want to waste time playing games. She was too old for that, and wanted a real relationship. Matt tried to manage her expectations. He wasn’t sure if he wanted an exclusive relationship and Jane ended up accepting whatever he was willing to give her, even if it wasn’t the relationship she really wanted.

Now, when Jane wants to see him, she calls him before he even has the chance to ask her out. This leaves Matt” feeling ambivalent towards her. I mean, to me he says,

“I really likes her. She makes me laugh. And the sex is amazing. But I feel cheated of his opportunity to chase her.”

His interest is declining because of it. Therefore, he chooses continues to see other women.

There’s a simple, and universal, value proposition in this.

People value what they must work to obtain more.

Think about it.

What tastes better?

A BLT sandwich they slap together for you at the corner bodega with the bacon that’s been sitting there since that morning and some cold mealy tomatoes

OR

The the BLT you slave over for 30 minutes, lovingly frying the bacon yourself, sending the aroma wafting through the house, slicing and salting those thick red heirloom tomato slices, toasting the bread and then slathering on the mayonnaise, folding the crisp iceberg lettuce so carefully… biting into it with a little trickle of juice running down your wrist…

You get the point.

Dang. Now I want a BLT.

Or if you’re not a BLT person…

Well, first of all you are missing out, but that’s your call.

So, just think about it this way….

…let’s say you’re a music person.

Who doesn’t like music?!

Let’s say Pandora or Spotify suddenly redid their whole website and they wiped the entire history of your account. What would be harder to lose?

A playlist you have carefully curated and trained to “know” what you like?

OR

A preset radio station that you had no input in?

Unfortunately, the opposite can also be said. What doesn’t take a lot of work to obtain actually decreases in value in our eyes. We have less of an attachment to it.

For instance, sometimes children born into financially well-off families are more careless with their more expensive belongings knowing they can be easily replaced.

Whereas, an individual who knows he can never get another Iphone if this one breaks will take much better care of it.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a relationship, or a material possession. When we expend a greater amount of effort we develop greater emotional attachment. And you can use this to your advantage, my dears.

In the case of men, it is well-known that they derive a greater sense of satisfaction from expending a greater amount of effort. For those of you playing the home game, that means that they value the chase and derive more pleasure from it than they do when they don’t have to.

What Does This Mean For You?

Well, it means that shouldn’t be too easily accessible, available, or obtainable. You must be the Ungettable Girl.

And Ungettable Girls don’t chase.

Ungettable Girl is a Ex Boyfriend Recovery term that we use to describe the end result of becoming the best version of yourself. We even have a whole book on the subject. But if you just want to read a little bit about the process of becoming Ungettable, you could read more by following this link and reading more about it.
By now you should be thinking,

“Man! Not chasing him might be the SINGLE BEST thing I can do to get him back!”

And you would be right!

But Will He Even Notice?

I know what you are asking in your head right now.

“Will he even notice I stopped chasing him?”

The answer is yes, of course he will notice.

Up until now, you have been available, accessible, and obtainable.

It’s likely that he could predict your movements, your investments of time, and your patterns.

Take away that predictability, and anyone would notice.

First of all,let’s assume that when you were dating had a rough understanding of your schedule.

Let’s say your schedule was as follows:

  • you went to work or school daily
  • in the evenings you worked out
  • then you ate dinner
  • after dinner you would go to trivia night or babysat
  • and on weekends, you could generally be found at the swimming pool, the gym, the library, or on the couch.

Everyone has patterns, whether simple or complex like this one.

Furthermore, he was almost always assured of being able to get a response from you if he texted, called, messaged on Facebook, or Snapchatted. Whatever the method of contacting you, he knew you would jump at the opportunity to respond.

What If You Have Been Broken Up For a While?

All exes check in, all of them.

So, I can guarantee he’s been keeping tabs on your movements in some form or fashion, either outright or surreptitiously pseudo-stalking. You would be surprised to what lengths people go to to find out what their exes have been up to or who they have been spending their time with.

So, even if you have changed your schedule and patterns completely, almost every guy will still feel like they can predict your patterns and can access you if they want to, should they feel the urge.

And in both of these hypotheticals, since you are reading an article about chasing, we are assuming that up until now, you have continued to pursue him in some form or fashion.

You have been

  • reaching out to him
  • putting yourself in his path
  • “liking” his posts
  • sending him funny memes
  • texting him to just to say hello
  • dropping some “do you remembers” on him
  • casually bumping into him
  • perhaps even talking to his sister, mom, or friends

Even if you think you have been oh so casual, I promise he sees it as you chasing after him. This is how he feels.

So, if you stop all of that… what do you think is going to happen?

What is going to be left?

  • A void.
  • A vacuum.
  • An empty space.
  • The absence of predictability.
  • The absence of accessibility.
  • The absence of obtainability.

So, yes, my friends, he WILL notice!

And this is the magic of why No Contact works.

Let’s Review, Why Does No Contact Work?

If I wasn’t clear. No Contact works, because it’s based on a very simple principle.

They can’t miss you, if you aren’t gone.

You have to take yourself away

  1. as a physical presence
  2. as emotional support
  3. as a visible presence
  4. as a mental option

This makes them experience an emotional reaction.

But more than that, he’ll begin to wonder, all sorts of things.

“Did she stop liking me?”

“Did she decide I am I not good enough?”

“Did she find someone else?”

And ,again, that is the magic of Why No Contact Works.

Whatever happened with your breakup begins to be replaced by these thoughts and feelings of inadequacy in your ex’s mind. They will begin to drive him crazy! And he will HAVE to check out what your up to in order to quiet those questions.

Sure, you may have had your ups and downs. Maybe you were needy, clingy, and objected to his nights out with the boys.

Perhaps you argued, or maybe there were even some huge blow outs.

Words were said, words you both regret, words that have played over and over in your heads.

But, now, all he can think about is,

“What the heck is that girl doing?”

“Where is she?”

“WHY isn’t she online on messenger?”

“If she’s stopped doing being predictable… maybe she’s OUT doing something else with SOMEONE else!”

And if he has a life event that simultaneously occurs during this period, all the better, whether it’s a birthday, an accomplishment, or a loss.

Who would he normally turn to to share this with?

Well before I’m guessing you were his biggest cheerleader. So, if you aren’t there and you aren’t chasing him, then he’s going to feel that lack of you even more.
Some guys even become GNATs (going nuts at texting) because they cannot stand to be left in the dark!

It’s simple.

It’s clinical.

It’s strategic.

Maybe a little sneaky.

And it’s effective!

And once they are experiencing this emotional reaction, you have the opportunity to capitalize on it. But more on that later.

So How Do I Keep Him From Forgetting About Me?

You’re wondering this, too, aren’t you?

How did I know?

Well, because I WAS you at some point. We all were.

At some point we all wonder how to keep our exes from forgetting us.

So, first you have to ask yourself,

“How can someone forget about someone that was once irreplaceable in just a few weeks or months? Is that even possible?”

The answer is no. Just no.

Furthermore, you aren’t going to be sitting around gathering dust.

Hopefully you spent No Contact becoming an Ungettable Girl.

You are on a mission!

What’s your mission?

Your mission is to have the most fun and be the happiest you’ve ever been! You have nothing holding you back right now. There is no one you have to balance your life with.

Let’s do a little exercise.

What are all of the things you never had time for, the things you sacrificed in order to be a great girlfriend?

  • Spending more time with your girlfriends?
  • Getting your nails done?
  • Did you stay in and cook dinner instead of hitting up the hot yoga class with your pals?
  • Have you been yearning to go on road trips but you were stuck in the stands watching his sports games?
  • Have you been waiting to write a book or record a song, but just haven’t had the time because of your relationship?

Well, guess what, lady! Now’s your chance!

Carpe Diem!

That’s “Seize the Day!” for those of you unfamiliar with latin, or the movie “Dead Poets Society.”

Self-care and a broad range of interests make all of us more attractive to others, in general, especially to an ex.
Particularly, when you have completed No Contact successfully, and he’s been driven up a wall wondering where has you’ve gone and what you could possibly be doing that doesn’t revolve around him.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Getting Your Ex To Chase You Without Being Obvious

I know what you’re thinking…

“There’s more?!”

Yes! there is!

Because when you do what I describe next, he’ll have a third emotional reaction.

He’ll think to himself,

“Whoa! How can she be so happy after we broke up? Maybe she wasn’t as into me as I thought she was. Did I make a mistake? I want her back!”

All of this puts you in a prime position for you to capitalize on his emotions and remind him how much he really desires you and how much fun you two have together. You can do this by gradually and methodically getting back into contact with him using the tactics laid out in Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro.

First, though, you must learn to use two things to your advantage:

Your Social Media
and
Your Sphere of Influence

I say learn because you have to use them carefully.

Your Social Media includes any posting updates about your life through social media channels like Facebook, Snapchat, etc. There is an obvious and over-the top way to go about it. Or there is a subtle way to go about it. Our goal is the latter.

Your Sphere of Influence means connecting with people in your mutual circle who will learn how you are doing and what you are up to and get a positive impression of you.

Think of it like this, you want to create your “brand” with both of these tools. Your brand is your image, and you don’t want to send the wrong message.

So, you are going to want to put some thought into this.

What do you want to convey to him and to the world overall?

If you don’t want to seem like a frivolous party girl, be careful about posting lots of pictures with alcohol or out at the club with guys.

If you don’t want to seem boring, make sure you are posting about doing interesting things, not just “studying/working again.”

And the number one rule of thumb is to look good and smile.

Do this all the time, no matter where you are going or who you are meeting. Be positive and happy. Let it be known that you are living your life and living it well.

Don’t mention him, ask about him, or bring him up. Don’t seek out his friends or family. The information will trickle back to him somehow, trust me! Once that void where you were starts to be obvious to him, he will check on what you are up to.

Not only will he not forget you, he’ll be dying for you to reach out to him.

If you’ve previously been chasing him, he’ll wonder why you stopped . . . and it won’t take long for him to decide that he misses having you around. And when he does that, he will seek you out and start chasing you.

Let him.

So, my Ungettable Girls, stop chasing, because, when you do… they always come back!

So, Let’s Review

We’ve discussed a lot, but I think that the ULTIMATE take away from this article should be DON’T CHASE HIM!

  • Chasing will drive him away.
  • Removing yourself creates a void.
  • Don’t even worry about it, he’ll notice.
  • And. when he does start to pay attention…. don’t. be. obvious.

Alrighty, so in the comments below I am going to open up the floor for you to

  1. Tell me about your breakup
  2. Let me know what you’ve done so far
  3. And where you are in the EBR Process

From there our team will help you figure out where you need to go from here to get your ex back.

Are you ready?

Let’s go!

What to Read Next

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297 thoughts on “Will He Come Back If I Stop Chasing Him?”

  1. Avatar

    Mary

    May 15, 2020 at 10:37 pm

    Hey, I found your post helpful. I’ve known this guy off & on for 7 years. We’ve always flirted but never had the right time or been with other people. Recently we’ve been texting a lot & talking about hooking up. We went from texting every day to complete silence. Sometimes he responds after a week and then silence again. I just don’t get it. He is a lawyer, so I know he’s really busy. I don’t like playing games & I worry that if I ignore his messages in response, he will just walk away. I don’t know how to do the whole no contact thing?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 20, 2020 at 3:55 pm

      Hey Mary, I am so glad you found the article helpful! As for No Contact you need to not speak with your ex, not respond not reach out to your ex at all, not even on social media platforms for a solid 30 days or 45 depending on how much emotional time you need to work on yourself.

  2. Avatar

    molly wilde

    May 6, 2020 at 7:08 pm

    Me & my boyfriend have been on and off for about 3 years. He has periods of just wanting to be relationship free and tells me that nows not the time to be together however within a couple of weeks he’ll be straight back in my texts asking me to go round. We had a break for about 3 months the first year we were together and I really had him chasing me .. i’ve kind of forgotton how and now i seem to be doing all the chasing. We broke up about 3 weeks ago now and we’ve been in contact. We’ve messaged a few times and usually he ends up saying how much he loves me and how we’ll be together eventually once hes had some space because i’m his soulmate. We also slept together the other day which I know we shouldn’t of but we can never stay away from eachother. I’ve been using this space away to improve myself as I lost a lot of confidence and it took a toll on the relationship. I have bounced back and feel amazing and I am so ready to give this relationship another shot as I feel this time it could be forever. What should I do? last time i texted him was today as I had to go and collect something from his house, i told him to leave it in the porch so I wouldnt see him. Do i start no contact now? Do you think he’ll come back?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 12, 2020 at 2:18 pm

      Hey Molly, yes you need to start your NC now and stick to it for 30 days solid. Then you need to make sure that you work up the value chain where you get your ex investing time in you not just jumping back into your old ways and habits. Do not give him boyfriend privileges, until you are in a relationship and have been back together for some time

  3. Avatar

    Sarah

    May 3, 2020 at 11:05 pm

    Hey well in currently heartbroke 3 days ago my boyfriend of 6 months left. I’ve been so confused as everything has been pretty much perfect since we met however we had to spend lockdown together first few weeks were fine but maybe it was too much too soon and it seemed we were getting on each others nerves abit …anyway we ended up having out first silly argument but I reacted quite childish and told him to leave which he did …anyway we patched up after a few days and he came back but things were not 100 percent the same and I felt like he was off with me some days and this got worse he was acting really different when I spoke to him about what was bothering me he said he was sick of it all packed all his stuff and again left on his way out he said he was giving me space for a few days but I felt he had no intention of coming back he literally took everything. I didn’t hear from him until I reached out the following evening but he was really cold and distant in his messaging I left him but contacted him again hours later but he just didn’t seem to want to know this went on for 3 days …..since then he’s been on whatsapp constantly which makes me think there’s more to this than a silly argument it’s almost like he’s gone from being so in love and besotted with me to completely changing its like he’s a different person…..I contacted him 24 hours ago for the final time but not heard from him since this has really hit me hard as I honestly felt id finally met the one ……what can you suggest?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 12, 2020 at 11:15 am

      Hey Sarah, as the advise is on this website to start this process it starts with a No Contact, which I suggest you do. Don’t explain to him or tell him you are doing a NC just go into it for 30 days. And work on your Holy Trinity during that time. The reach out with the texts that Chris suggests with your ex’s interests in mind

  4. Avatar

    Melissa

    March 8, 2020 at 10:09 pm

    Hey guys!
    Figured I’d leave a comment and see if I get a reply!
    I dated this guy for 2 years. Kinda complicated only because I brought 3 kids in and he brought 2 kids in. First year was rough, broke up once for 3 weeks but got back together. That 2nd year was amazing. We hardly every fought or argued, and always had a good time. Then came a disagreement about the children and he stormed off and threw a major fit. We seemed to have worked it out, but he never wanted to actually have a conversation about it. He just dropped it. About a month later, marriage got brought up and he said he’d never marry again. (He is divorced, I never married. ) I was blown away because he knew it was something I always wanted, no matter the timing of it. I wasn’t in a rush. We argued on and off about it for about a month. Then one day when he was watching my children I questioned if he was treating them differently than his friends kids. He took that wrong and blew up again and said he never wanted to be around my kids again. He wouldn’t listen to what I was really trying to say. I said I wouldn’t be in a relationship like that and he said fine we’ll be friends.
    We’ve been broken up for 6 months now. I did do no contact but didn’t do it until month 2. Talking occasionally on and off. Seeing each other on and off. The no contact didn’t do much. He never contacted me in those 30 days. Since then though, he’s been very hot and cold. One minute he’s asking to see me, the next he’s not. I do initiate every conversation. Only once or twice has he. We do still sleep together, I know I shouldn’t be.
    I wrote him a letter about a week ago asking him if he feels the same way and wants to work things out. He still hasn’t said anything about it but I know he got it.
    Anytime we hang out things feel normal and I can feel that he feels some sort of way. I just don’t know what to do now. Help, please!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 18, 2020 at 2:26 am

      Hi Melissa, as you say he is hot and cold you need to take a small step back from spending time with him and start being social with friends and making him wonder if you are moving on from him. When you do meet put yourself in situations where you are increasing the romantic vibes and flirting more often

  5. Avatar

    Nika

    March 4, 2020 at 12:58 pm

    My ex and I have broken up 6 months ago. He left me and said he was happy with me, but that he thinks I am not the one. It all happened out of the blue. We stayed in contact. For the first month I was the was who was initiating the contact and then stopped. After that he started checking in, commenting my whatsapp statuses, etc.
    He started to contact me everyday. 2 days ago I started a conversation about our relationship again and it wasn’t successful. I can’t understand him. He says he would like to see me, but that we shouldn’t. Do you think if I cut off all the contact he will notice?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 7, 2020 at 8:17 pm

      Hi Nika, you need to read or watch a video about the value chain and working up the value ladder. You do not ask your ex for a meet up so soon you need to build up your value through texting and phone calls first

  6. Avatar

    Sara

    February 23, 2020 at 1:36 am

    I was with my ex for 2 years. Every time we use to fight he would end it with me which would emotional and physically ruin me. Mid last year we broke up for a month or so he promised he wouldn’t end it with me anymore over every argument we had. He become better at communicating before he got back with each other he explained to me why he would always end it, he said he was very stressed being 30 years old and not having his life on track not working and his dad being very ill. His dad ended up passing away around the time him and I wore trying to work things out. Anyway we weathered the storm together and started having a better relationships. Before this break up I was always scared to tell him the truth in case he broke up with him we broke over petty shit.

    Fast forward to December 2019 everything was going great for about 5 months until we had a little bit of an argument which we spoke in person about and tried to resolve. That same night we were trying to resolve our issues he found out I was lying about having snap chat, I lied straight to his face about it which I abouselty regret. I had nothing to hide but I lied out of fear that he would end it with me, because we were already trying to solve our issues I felt like this was going to add more fuel to the fire. I was in so much regret this Is the 3rd time I’ve lied to him in the 1 years we have been together, It’s not like me to lie even tho all 3 lies were petty and there was nothing to hid a lie is a lie and he 2nd time I lied to him he promised me no matter how small the lie is if I do it again it will be over for good and that’s exactly what happened this time he stuck to his word.

    I regret it and I’m forever sorry however the passed 3 months I’ve been chasing him he was being hot and cold one minute he wanted to see me and next minute he wanted nothing to do with me. Then we we finally saw each other 2 months ago (January 1st) he said he can’t commit right now he needs to focus on his life and he doesn’t want to go through this hurt again but he also said he doesn’t think this is the end for us. We did have sex that night and we the next day we stayed in contact however we started arguing again Mid January he asked to met so we can clear the slay and move on with our lives. We did that and after we left I broke down everyday in tears I chased and chased chased everyday I’d try call him and text him and when he would reply he would be so blunt and tell me to just leave it alone it’s done now. A week ago I asked him can we please work this out he said no we are done there is no more us he told me he still loved me but that was it . he still asked if I had met someone or if have given my number out to any new guysm However since he told me we are done and there is no more us. I asked him to block me every where so I couldn’t reach out to him. He did that and a day later I stupidly I messaged him from another number he then unblocked me and messaged me asking what’s up? I asked if he could speak on the phone and he said he can’t I replied ok all good and left it at that. I forced myself to start the no contact it’s been day 4 I’m doing ok but deep down I’m struggling.. is it to late to start the no contact even tho I’ve been chasing him for the past 2-3 months? Will be notice that I’ve stopped and possibly find it in his heart to start again? I’m 28 his my first love and I lost my virginity to him so this is very hard for me one of the hardest things I’ve faced. He cried when he ended it so I feel like maybe he will find it in his heart to give me another chance. After all we spoke of a future together marriage kids and all. So I hope he hasn’t just forgotten about all my good values and just reminding himself of the bad I’ve done.

    Yesterday I changed my what’s app profile photo to a new photo of me smiling a few hours later I noticed he put a new what’s app profile photo of himself smiling mind you his never ever put a photo of himself on his wats app account.

    This is the longest we haven’t spoken in, I know it’s only been 4 days but I feel like it’s been forever .

    I hope I’m doing the right thing.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 27, 2020 at 10:13 pm

      Hi Sara, yes you are doing the right thing sticking to No Contact and focusing on this time to get over the break up and your hurt feelings. Him mirroring your Whatsapp behavior shows he is watching what you are doing. So its a good sign he is keeping an eye on you

  7. Avatar

    LeLe

    January 30, 2020 at 9:25 am

    Me and this guy have been talking for about 6 months now theres were nice the first two months he would really show he was into me and always asking to see me and call me. After 2 months he started to change once I started really showing my feelings for him then we started getting into arguments because I would start to get emotional about how he seemed to just change how he felt. I would always ask him was he still interested in me did he still like me and he would always still say yes I would ask him if there was other girls and he would say no. Forward to 5 months we are still talking and everything I asked him about a relationship but he said he can’t and that he’s scared of commitment so we still are just working on us as to working on a future relationship which I am fine with doing. I just feel like I’m mostly just chasing him and I don’t want to keep doing that. I hate that I always have to leave the last message just for him to text me. I feel like if I don’t text him back before I go to sleep he won’t text me the next day. Sometimes I just want to finally leave him alone cause I just feel like he doesn’t want me or he just wants me gone. We do argue a few times a week now cause I get emotional and I start asking questions for confirmation that we are still working on us and when I ask him are we done he always saying no we aren’t done but I know he just backs off and distanced his self. I just want to know how can I get him to chase me again and want to always see me and talk to me ? I know I should do the no contact but I’m scared he will just move on once he see I’m just not texting him or anything. Will he even text me ? Will the no contact work if I’m the last one that has left the last text message at night

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 12, 2020 at 8:32 pm

      Hey Lele, so while you are giving him emotional and upset messages he is going to be less likely to reach out to you. You need to start and complete a full No Contact while working on yourself.

  8. Avatar

    Hayley

    January 25, 2020 at 5:06 pm

    I have recently broke up with my ex… I called it quits because I had enough of him not sharing with me what the problem was and him pulling away and changing his mind on things all the time. It was making me really anxious. He would still be loving towards me… Kisses and cuddles, hold my hand, stroke my leg etc but we had no sex life unless I pushed for it which of course means everything during bedroom time was for his pleasure and not necessarily mine!!

    Once we broke… He immediately said it’s because he felt isolated from friends and family, he told me he was sad and he told me he didn’t want this to mean we would never be in each others lives again.

    I immediately asked why he hadn’t told me that’s what he felt as I feel it’s something we could deffinitely correct because even I felt suffocated at times. He wasn’t interested at all and said he didn’t want our relationship anymore and he’s so unhappy. The tables turnt!! I’ve begged him to meet and talk, he refused. I went a little crazy and called lots but still no answer. I’ve since apologised about everything I could have done better as this is what I wanted to discuss if we met face to face. So I have basically done everything I shouldn’t have!! Fear hey!! I have also dropped his stuff and left it on his doorstep (and text him to let him know) and now we’re in the no contact phase. I appreciate you’re not a mind reader and no one will ever know if we will get back together or what will happen.

    It is his birthday at the end of Feb and I already had his present and wish to give it to him as he was very thoughtful on my birthday… Do you have any advice on how to play this? Also it’s Valentine’s Day soon… Do I just no contact this… Even though that breaks me to not let him know he’s the one I am thinking of!!

    I was always the driving force at the beginning of our relationship even though I was the one who didn’t want to be in a relationship at first as I still had some healing to do… He always said he wanted me but he never arranged dates.. I was always the one to do that and he would be more than happy to come along. I am very confused on this one.

    Many Thanks

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 30, 2020 at 10:11 pm

      Hey Hayley, yes go into a no contact and work on yourself in that time, show using social media that you are living your life and dont be afraid to use a little jealousy photos too where he can see you are around other guys and worry that one of them is going to give you the attention that he had stopped giving you

  9. Avatar

    Melanie

    January 22, 2020 at 7:24 pm

    Hi! My ex and I were friends for a year, after a year we began dating. We dated for 6 months. A month after our break up we got back together and then called it quits a few weeks later. We then just proceeded to hook up and talk every day as if we were dating. Recently I told him I cant do this anymore because its confusing. He agreed, he also told me that he needs time and space to figure out what he wants. I tried no contact but broke it 2 days later. I feel like I chase him and its pushing him away. Is it to late to start no contact now? What if I pushed him so hard that it won’t even work?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 22, 2020 at 7:34 pm

      Hey Melanie, it is not too late to start the no contact, but it is essential that you do not break it because it loses its effectiveness when you break it all the time.So stick with it and read more articles on this website to help you through the process especially one about being ungettable

  10. Avatar

    Nupur Pandey

    January 6, 2020 at 5:11 am

    Hey!
    Me & my ex broke up a month ago. We’ve been together for 6 long years now. The breakup was completely a shock to me. So i did all the begging, pleading, blowing up his phone for a long time. He said he loves me but doesn’t think we can work out together. He isn’t happy & can’t deal with a relationship right now. And said there’s no chance, his decision is final. Everytime i talked to him about this, he yells and says awful things.
    He used to be the sweetest & loved me so so much. We were so serious about each other.
    What should i do? Will no contact work?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 7, 2020 at 10:24 pm

      Yes No Contact will work but it is important that you stick to it!

  11. Avatar

    Katie

    January 1, 2020 at 6:50 pm

    Hi,

    My boyfriend and I of a year and a half have recently broken up. We have argued a lot over the last couple of months because I found out he’d been talking to other girls behind my back and it sent me into quite a deep depression which only got worse. The arguments were quite bad lasting for hours sometimes. Anyway, we’ve broken up and at first he said he needed space to decide what he wanted but I kept chasing him and he decided he doesn’t want me any more. He’s asked me to move out and will barely contact me. I’ve started the no contact period but I’m not convinced that it will work in this situation. He knows I’m getting help for my depression and that I’m going to work on myself and stop the arguments but he said it should have been done months ago, what can I do? Is it a lost cause? I love him and I just want to make it work.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 3, 2020 at 5:20 am

      Hey Katie so it sounds like you do need to spend this time working on yourself and taking the help to work through your depression. When you have done that you can reach out to your ex and see what happens but the most important part is that you get yourself strong. It is unfair that you are made to feel like this was your doing when your ex is the one who is speaking to other girls, and I am assuming the way you said this, it was not platonic friendship conversations. If you work on yourself and be the best version of yourself, even just better than how you are feeling now that is a huge goal, but do it for you, you deserve to be happy

  12. Avatar

    Amelia

    December 18, 2019 at 7:44 am

    Hi,

    I have been tlaking to a guy for 9 months hes a few years older than me. We do a lot of things together we hang out pretty often. We are sexual. He says we arent friends with benefits, but he doesnt want a relationship. He says im his girl. He still talks to other girls, which he tells me I have nothing to worry about or get upset over. We got into an argument a few days ago because I was telling him he has so many friends that are girls and this and that. It was my insecurities kicking in. Its been so long that we have been talking and I dont know what to do anymore. Im not sure if he is even worth it anymore. If he doesnt want a relationship but he texts and calls me all the time he is almost all the time initiating the conversations. Its been almost a week and I havent heard from him from the argument. I told him to have a nice life and I was done with him. It was out of anger. Can you please tell me what I should do.
    Thank you!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 22, 2019 at 5:05 pm

      Hi Amelia, so if you want this guy to be your boyfriend then you need to stop being his friends with benefits even though he isnt calling it that, it is what you are. Hes talking to other girls and you have nothing to worry about because… you’re not his girlfriend. So go into a no contact where you ignore him for a period of time if he does not chase you then he is showing that he is not going to commit to you without it being a case of having to show him you are the best girl for him that is around, read about the ungettable girl on this page, while also applying the being there method to your situation because you know he is talking to other girls. No Contact should be around 21-30 days if you can do enough work to show you are no long interested in being friends with benefits but want an official relationship with him

  13. Avatar

    Alessia

    December 17, 2019 at 5:34 am

    Hi,
    I have been talking to a guy for 9 months, we hang out are sexual talk almost everyday. Hes the one who most of the time initiates our conveesations or phone calls. Some times he goes days without talking to me. If I stay distant he will too. If I call him once he will call me 4/5 times. He still talks to other girls he tells me its nothing to worry about. I am very insecure and I always bother him about other girls. He says he doesnt want a relationship, but we do all the relationship things. One day he acts all loving and caring and the next he acts kind of cold. It seems like he likes me and wants me, but might be scared. The other day we got in a really big argument, I was bugging him about his friends that are girls. He got mad at me I told him I never wanted to speak to him again and I told him to have a nice life. Its been 4 days he hasnt talked to me yet. He usually never passes 3 days without talking to me. Im not sure what to do im scared that I screwed it up this time. What do I do?
    Thank you!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 22, 2019 at 10:41 am

      Hi Alessia, so if you want this guy to be your boyfriend, stop doing things that you should only do when youre in a relationship. I know people get involved sexually without a relationship but when you go to that before you are official it makes it harder to get to the point you want it to be. He’s told you, he does not want a relationship – then stop sleeping with. If you want to be with him then you need to show you are changing the dynamics of your relationship how you are setting boundaries, if you are just friends, then juts be friends. As for the insecurity, this is not going to stop if he becomes your boyfriend, its there inside you not him. So spend some time working on some self confidence and esteem so that you know who ever gets to be with you is going to know how great you are so no one else is going to get their attention

  14. Avatar

    Michele

    December 14, 2019 at 3:46 am

    Hi there,
    I started to see a guy and we both said we wanted to just have fun and nothing to serious, which I was happy about. But the more time I spent with him I could see instantly I really liked him and he was becoming a bit more open with me which he found very difficult because of nasty separation that was involving financial stress for him. We were spending more time together but only lasted 7 weeks but seemed much longer. Then he said he was getting worried and he was getting feelings and he said he knew and could see I had them too even though I never mentioned it once.
    Of course I was so upset because I was happy with how things were but I also realised that I did have feelings for him and I said that I think I was falling in love even in that short time.
    But he said he needed time on his own to sort out what was going on. We chatted a few times and he said he wasn’t doing great and wasn’t well mentally and was struggling. I tried to be there but he just kept pushing me away and basically told me to leave him alone. But the idiot I was I just kept trying to see if he was ok and I kept feeling about how I felt towards him because I missed him so much. I found it all really hard and upsetting.
    Then one day out of the blue he said he met someone else and went on a date and slept with her so when I heard that I was totally upset but then he said he lied about sleeping with her but did go on a date and he said he said all this for me to leave him alone.
    One day he agreed to see me so that I could just say bye and leave him to it and move on. As soon as I saw him the feelings were just there and then he said he met someone else who understands him and it’s more then just sex it’s sonwthinh that could be serious which hurt me so much. He said he would totally block me and I said that was fine. He said to me you don’t love me and I don’t know what I’m talking about. We did carry on texting and I slowly text him less for my own sake as he was just ignoring half the messages because I just felt so much rejection. Then recently I text him to see if he was ok and he messaged back and called me. Asking me have I missed him and that he was so sorry for how he behaved and was harsh and he missed me. And could we meet but I wasn’t available too. I felt so happy that I was taking to him again and hearing what he was saying. He asked me did I really mean what I said about loving him and I asked why it doesn’t matter now and he said it does I need to know so I said yes. And asked if I had met anyone else which I havnt.
    But then we argued and what he does is he goes quiet when I start trying to talk to him because he does find it hard and he even said to me you know I don’t talk. So after going mad and getting inpatient he blocked me. I’ve asked to meet him just once so that I can finally say bye and wish him well and move on. I’m so confused because I feel like I’m holding on not just because of how I feel but I do think there’s something there. I know it sounds stupid and i promise I’m not deluded. I can accept when a guy isn’t interested and walk away but with him it’s different. But how long can I carry on like this. I have no interest in meeting anyone at all because of the feelings I have and feel like they just aren’t going anywhere. I have tried to date others but I don’t enjoy and it’s always just one date because all I think about is him.
    I just need some advice please help!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 15, 2019 at 10:29 pm

      Hi Michele, so even though you are blocked you still need to go into a no contact and work on some time to change your exes image of you! So work on becoming Ungettable so that you can be the best version of yourself and then from there you can attempt to re attract your ex taking things slowly and making sure that you end conversations first and get him curious in what you want to say using the texts that Chris suggests through the process and work up the value ladder

  15. Avatar

    Help me please

    December 6, 2019 at 2:23 am

    Hi,

    So my ex and I broke up 7 months ago, I technically ended our relationship (after being together 2 years) after he was neglecting me and just shutting me out. this was a month before i found out i was pregnant. When i did tell him i was pregnant he freaked out and our fights got worst and it seemed he completely shut me out, like when i would try and talk to him, beg him or anything he wouldnt say anything and just sit with a blank face as if he wasnt there. This is my first breakup and I didnt handle it well. for 5 months i was chasing after him, fighting with him as i felt he chose his new found friends over me, i was so hurt as i had been there for him and was easily thrown away for friends and not even long time friends! anyways so for 5 months i was chasing, begging and pleading, fighting non stop with him. we finally got to a point where he joined me for an appointment (after i decided to back off and give him space for 3 weeks) and we got to talking after the appointment where he told me there was no chance of us getting back together, he said he felt i didnt trust him and he cant trust me as well. after that maybe a week passed by where he texted my mother saying i was still messaging him (it was about the child) and he felt i was finding excuses to talk to him when he was trying to move on, i was making it hard for him. how could he already be wanting to move on? anyways i decided to commit to the no contact rule, it’s been a month and the only time i’ve seen him was to drop off paperwork from the hospital. I feel like there is absolutely no chance of getting him back, as if he’s already seen this ugly side of me during our fights for the 5 months and has his mind made up that he’s done with me.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 6, 2019 at 10:54 pm

      Hey there, so you need to work on your emotional control as hard as that may be and you have to do something called limited no contact where you only speak about the child and arrange contact times etc. The rest of the time you need to appear like you are focusing on your own life and not on getting him back. Look up the Ungettable girl articles that Chris has done this will help you understand what I mean by doing your own thing for some time and then attempt to talk to your ex again after 45 days limited no contact

  16. Avatar

    Serah

    December 5, 2019 at 6:30 pm

    Hy.. We’re both in medical school and he seniors me with a year… At first he was just a friend… A very wonderful, kind and amazing friend… Then he started showing me he had feelings for me… He saw me as a very perfect person and he wanted me at all cost.. But the new academic session was about to start and we’ld have to focus in school… So I told him I was not ready for a relationship yet.. We decided to remain friends for the mean time but things went so fast and we just couldn’t be just friends… We started going out and doing all sorts of things… Then we were to resume school.. But since I was already used to everything we did together, I became so needy… I got angry whenever he didn’t come ND visit me after his IT in the hospital… I did all sort of things out of my neediness… Then he told me he needed some space… That he had to focus in school and he wants me to do the same… Then the same guy that saw me as a perfect creation and always wanted to have me now Just doesn’t want to see me anymore…Just this evening, I told him how much I love him, how sorry I’m for being needy and how I really want thing to work out between us during holidays bla bla bla… Guess what he replied… He said that it’s a totally normal thing to feel that way, that he understands since how I feel since he felt that way when he was with his ex and I should just try to forget about it and focus in school… I just couldn’t cry in front of him… But it really hurt me… I started remembering all the times he told me he’ll make sure things work out even when we’re in school that he just couldn’t imagine losing me… I just want him to feel that way again… I want him to see me as perfect again… I want him to tell me how beautiful and intelligent I am again… I’ll try the No Contact rule… I guess that’s the best thing to do… Infact I’ll not text him again even during holidays…I’m worth much more than having to chase a guy, when there are so many who want me… I’ll just let things unfold as they should… If he doesn’t text or call me anymore, then that is it… I’ll just try to not ever be the needy but ungettable girl… Thanks for reading.. And lest I forget, this is an amazing article.. Thank you.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 6, 2019 at 10:22 pm

      Hey Serah, thank you, Chris articles are amazing and so useful so make sure you do some more reading while you are on the website you’ll be surprised how useful they are. And as for your ex and the journey to maybe getting him back, the more you work on becoming Ungettable the better your chances will be but also following the program will give you, your best chance if that is what you want for yourself. Good Luck

  17. Avatar

    Hope

    December 4, 2019 at 1:57 pm

    I’ve been seeing this guy since lastyear 2018 around October. Everything was going well, the last festive season he was so consistent, little did I know he wasn’t over his ex (whom he dated for 6years on and off several times). I’ve been there for him, supportive, motivating and encouraging. In everything he was going through I was there to stick by him but every chance he would get he would just drop me just like that for his ex which when it wouldn’t work out with her he would come back to me of which has began to be exhausting. I continued being there for him irrespective. A month ago I told him how I felt and what I wanted (me being his woman) and he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Some few days ago we got into an argument which didn’t end well, he told me hurtful words which I never expected he would. since the day we fought I haven’t spoken to him even though I want to because I miss him, there’s certain things I don’t understand till today. So I decided I won’t talk to him especially for the way he treated me. So I don’t know what to do in this situation 🙁

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 4, 2019 at 10:42 pm

      Hey Hope so youre doing the right thing not talking to him for some time and you may find that you wont get an apology for some time. If you decide you want to get him back you will need to follow the process and make sure you read plenty.

  18. Avatar

    Hope

    November 26, 2019 at 11:47 am

    I have been trying for
    3 months to get
    Back with him since I broke up with him. Found a couple of
    Messages in his phone to other women. I begged and wanted to work things out he didn’t but wanted me around called all the time wanted me with him but told me he was emotionally unavailable he didn’t want
    To
    Be with anyone. I stared the no contact rule
    6 days ago he wrote me yesterday over a tablet he has of
    Mine and wanted me email
    Password and I wasn’t going to give it to him he said I’m sure you found someone new and I’m happy doe you you need to be free from me. Once I didn’t give him what he wanted he called me a bitch and blocked me later he text he was really sorry he was exhausted and sleep deprived I didn’t text
    Him back now I have always been there for him never not answered a text but now I’m not
    Doing anything.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 26, 2019 at 6:49 pm

      Hi Hope, so have you completed a full no contact? IF not then you need to do this first to give your ex some time away from you but also you need to learn how to show some self respect, the way he spoke to you and then apologised and used being tired as an excuse is not acceptable, he is not 3 years old. If you still want him back then you need to start the program from day one of No Contact stick with it and follow the program. Reading plenty on this website to help you along the way

  19. Avatar

    JC

    November 18, 2019 at 5:19 pm

    Hi,

    So my boyfriend of 5 years recently broke up with me nearly 2 months ago now. throughout our relationship we had our pitty arguments like everyone else has. We was currently saving to buy a house in the new year and to start a family. Which we bothered talked about and he especially was looking forward to this as well. One mornings he basically said he had enough, he didn’t want to fight for our relationship because he thought we had tried and tried in the past for (me) to ‘change’ which by that he just says my attitude. However no one is prefect. Throughout our whole relationship even to the very end he used to tell me every day he loves me kisses me cuddled me just like a normal relationship. From day 1 of the break up I tried to ring and get him to speak to me to sort things out I even tried going round face to face to see him wrote him a letter, however he blocked me but I kept finding my way to speak to him as I needed answers as to way he said all the things he wanted for our future to now doesn’t want anymore. This is what is has been like for the past 6weeks and each time I speak to him hes just horrible and tell me to ‘move on’ and that he doesn’t want to see or speak to me. however, I have asked him over the phone if he still loves me and he says yes and ask him how he can get over it so quickly but he says he isn’t. but I can’t get my head around if he still loves me and isn’t over me why doesn’t he want to speak to me does it mean he doesn’t miss me and not bothered. How he can throw 5 years away like that. Throughout his time I have heard of someone of our mutual friends that he felt pressured which I think he meant about the house next year. I just don’t know what to do I miss and love him I just want to be able to talk to him and sort things out but he won’t.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 23, 2019 at 12:49 pm

      Hi JC, so based on what you have said, you need to start and follow a full No Contact where you do not reach out or speak to your ex at all, and also ignore anything if he reaches out to you too. During which time you need to work on becoming Ungettable so that you can be the best version of yourself ready for when your ex does speak to you again. Following this process is going to give you, your best chance of success if you read the materials and follow the advice properly.

  20. Avatar

    Anne

    November 3, 2019 at 6:02 am

    Hi so I was in a relationship with this guy since September 2018. Everything was going well, it was perfect like any other honeymoon phase. In late April, we got into a big fight and that was when he broke up with me. He said he was tired of the frequent fights, and that he acknowledges that I’m perfect, that I’m pretty, smart, kindest blah blah blah but he just couldn’t bring himself to want me that way for some reason he does not know. I was so desperate that time and he still hits me up. We were both so confused. After 1 month of on and off, I decided to go cold turkey on him, fixed unresolved problems and told him that I’ll be away until my feelings are gone. He didn’t quite liked the idea and asked to be together again.

    We were together again for five months until Nov 1. I had anxiety last Oct 31 so I had to go to their house at 11PM and I think that set him off. The next day, he won’t talk to me so I was crying to him about how I don’t feel appreciated anymore and why is he okay while I’m literally hurting. All he ever says is stop and I could feel the annoyance in his voice so I dropped the call out of frustration and he never called again so I did the next day. And that’s when he finally broke up with me, he said we were too young, that he wanted to be free and his tired. He said he still loves me and is going to miss me but we should end it there.

    My last message to him was I asked if I was a good person to him and that did I ever made him feel better in which he responded always. We’re gonna see each other in Wednesday to return our stuff. He seems to be so sure of his decision and want nothing to do with me, will no contact work for me?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 9, 2019 at 4:51 pm

      Hi Anne, so yes it will work but you need to do the work properly, make sure you read up on what No Contact is and what you need to do to make it successful and use the information in this website to help you through the process and make sure you take it step

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