“Will he come back if I stop chasing him?”
This is the nail-biting question that makes you pace the floor, unable to concentrate on work or the other areas of your life, isn’t it?
You wonder if his focus will shift to other attractive diversions, whether he will fill up the spaces in his life with non-girlfriend things, or worse – new girlfriend things!
Your mind begins to wander throughout the day to obsessive thoughts . . .
“Don’t I need to ensure I’ll be a constant reminder to him . . . . or at the very least, an intermittent reminder? Hold on, I’d better find out where his head is at, hadn’t I . . .”
You check his Facebook.
You check his Instagram.
You check his Snapchat stories.
You obsessively scout to see whether he’s been checking your Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat stories.
Would it hurt to “like” one of his posts?
Should you talk to one of his friends?
His mom? I mean, you did get along so well, after all.
Wouldn’t it be a good idea to run into him at the gym?
If you don’t, will he find someone else to talk to and ohmygosh, could they turn into a thing?!?
” I’m afraid he’ll find someone else?”
I want you to take a deep breath.
Don’t hold it!
Okay, now take another one.
I’m going to tell you something, but you have to be ready to be open to it, because it is not something you are going to WANT to do. You just have to trust me.
The Single BEST Thing You Can Do Is To Stop Chasing Him
“Why,” you ask?
Well, men are actually resistant to chasing, so it becomes counterproductive. Just let that sit with you for a minute.
If you’re follow up question is,
“If I stop chasing, will he start chasing me and come back to me?”
Then you are DEFINITELY on the right page.
Think about every time you gave into the urge…
- to chase
- to over-contact
- to be needy
- and to get into his space uninvited
When you do these things you are actually setting yourself back from your goal of having him chase you.
Because that’s what you both want, him chasing you.
Why Is It Important To Stop Chasing Him?
You see, men feel a bit cheated when they don’t get the opportunity to pursue.
Here’s an example. I was recently talking to a close male confidante of mine about a woman he is dating. We’ll call him Matt*.
Well, Matt* liked this girl, let’s call her Jane*, quite a bit before they began going out.
Jane is accomplished, ambitious, funny, beautiful, and within our circle of friends.
But, once they began flirting, Jane was very direct and came on too strong for his liking. Matt’s satisfaction decreased by several levels right from the start, he told me!
As the weeks wore on, Jane laid it on the line; she didn’t want to waste time playing games. She was too old for that, and wanted a real relationship. Matt tried to manage her expectations. He wasn’t sure if he wanted an exclusive relationship and Jane ended up accepting whatever he was willing to give her, even if it wasn’t the relationship she really wanted.
Now, when Jane wants to see him, she calls him before he even has the chance to ask her out. This leaves Matt” feeling ambivalent towards her. I mean, to me he says,
“I really likes her. She makes me laugh. And the sex is amazing. But I feel cheated of his opportunity to chase her.”
His interest is declining because of it. Therefore, he chooses continues to see other women.
There’s a simple, and universal, value proposition in this.
People value what they must work to obtain more.
Think about it.
What tastes better?
A BLT sandwich they slap together for you at the corner bodega with the bacon that’s been sitting there since that morning and some cold mealy tomatoes
The the BLT you slave over for 30 minutes, lovingly frying the bacon yourself, sending the aroma wafting through the house, slicing and salting those thick red heirloom tomato slices, toasting the bread and then slathering on the mayonnaise, folding the crisp iceberg lettuce so carefully… biting into it with a little trickle of juice running down your wrist…
You get the point.
Dang. Now I want a BLT.
Or if you’re not a BLT person…
Well, first of all you are missing out, but that’s your call.
So, just think about it this way….
…let’s say you’re a music person.
Who doesn’t like music?!
Let’s say Pandora or Spotify suddenly redid their whole website and they wiped the entire history of your account. What would be harder to lose?
A playlist you have carefully curated and trained to “know” what you like?
A preset radio station that you had no input in?
Unfortunately, the opposite can also be said. What doesn’t take a lot of work to obtain actually decreases in value in our eyes. We have less of an attachment to it.
For instance, sometimes children born into financially well-off families are more careless with their more expensive belongings knowing they can be easily replaced.
Whereas, an individual who knows he can never get another Iphone if this one breaks will take much better care of it.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a relationship, or a material possession. When we expend a greater amount of effort we develop greater emotional attachment. And you can use this to your advantage, my dears.
In the case of men, it is well-known that they derive a greater sense of satisfaction from expending a greater amount of effort. For those of you playing the home game, that means that they value the chase and derive more pleasure from it than they do when they don’t have to.
What Does This Mean For You?
Well, it means that shouldn’t be too easily accessible, available, or obtainable. You must be the Ungettable Girl.
And Ungettable Girls don’t chase.
Ungettable Girl is a Ex Boyfriend Recovery term that we use to describe the end result of becoming the best version of yourself. We even have a whole book on the subject. But if you just want to read a little bit about the process of becoming Ungettable, you could read more by following this link and reading more about it.
By now you should be thinking,
“Man! Not chasing him might be the SINGLE BEST thing I can do to get him back!”
And you would be right!
But Will He Even Notice?
I know what you are asking in your head right now.
“Will he even notice I stopped chasing him?”
The answer is yes, of course he will notice.
Up until now, you have been available, accessible, and obtainable.
It’s likely that he could predict your movements, your investments of time, and your patterns.
Take away that predictability, and anyone would notice.
First of all,let’s assume that when you were dating had a rough understanding of your schedule.
Let’s say your schedule was as follows:
- you went to work or school daily
- in the evenings you worked out
- then you ate dinner
- after dinner you would go to trivia night or babysat
- and on weekends, you could generally be found at the swimming pool, the gym, the library, or on the couch.
Everyone has patterns, whether simple or complex like this one.
Furthermore, he was almost always assured of being able to get a response from you if he texted, called, messaged on Facebook, or Snapchatted. Whatever the method of contacting you, he knew you would jump at the opportunity to respond.
What If You Have Been Broken Up For a While?
All exes check in, all of them.
So, I can guarantee he’s been keeping tabs on your movements in some form or fashion, either outright or surreptitiously pseudo-stalking. You would be surprised to what lengths people go to to find out what their exes have been up to or who they have been spending their time with.
So, even if you have changed your schedule and patterns completely, almost every guy will still feel like they can predict your patterns and can access you if they want to, should they feel the urge.
And in both of these hypotheticals, since you are reading an article about chasing, we are assuming that up until now, you have continued to pursue him in some form or fashion.
You have been
- reaching out to him
- putting yourself in his path
- “liking” his posts
- sending him funny memes
- texting him to just to say hello
- dropping some “do you remembers” on him
- casually bumping into him
- perhaps even talking to his sister, mom, or friends
Even if you think you have been oh so casual, I promise he sees it as you chasing after him. This is how he feels.
So, if you stop all of that… what do you think is going to happen?
What is going to be left?
- A void.
- A vacuum.
- An empty space.
- The absence of predictability.
- The absence of accessibility.
- The absence of obtainability.
So, yes, my friends, he WILL notice!
And this is the magic of why No Contact works.
Let’s Review, Why Does No Contact Work?
If I wasn’t clear. No Contact works, because it’s based on a very simple principle.
They can’t miss you, if you aren’t gone.
You have to take yourself away
- as a physical presence
- as emotional support
- as a visible presence
- as a mental option
This makes them experience an emotional reaction.
But more than that, he’ll begin to wonder, all sorts of things.
“Did she stop liking me?”
“Did she decide I am I not good enough?”
“Did she find someone else?”
And ,again, that is the magic of Why No Contact Works.
Whatever happened with your breakup begins to be replaced by these thoughts and feelings of inadequacy in your ex’s mind. They will begin to drive him crazy! And he will HAVE to check out what your up to in order to quiet those questions.
Sure, you may have had your ups and downs. Maybe you were needy, clingy, and objected to his nights out with the boys.
Perhaps you argued, or maybe there were even some huge blow outs.
Words were said, words you both regret, words that have played over and over in your heads.
But, now, all he can think about is,
“What the heck is that girl doing?”
“Where is she?”
“WHY isn’t she online on messenger?”
“If she’s stopped doing being predictable… maybe she’s OUT doing something else with SOMEONE else!”
And if he has a life event that simultaneously occurs during this period, all the better, whether it’s a birthday, an accomplishment, or a loss.
Who would he normally turn to to share this with?
Well before I’m guessing you were his biggest cheerleader. So, if you aren’t there and you aren’t chasing him, then he’s going to feel that lack of you even more.
Some guys even become GNATs (going nuts at texting) because they cannot stand to be left in the dark!
Maybe a little sneaky.
And it’s effective!
And once they are experiencing this emotional reaction, you have the opportunity to capitalize on it. But more on that later.
So How Do I Keep Him From Forgetting About Me?
You’re wondering this, too, aren’t you?
How did I know?
Well, because I WAS you at some point. We all were.
At some point we all wonder how to keep our exes from forgetting us.
So, first you have to ask yourself,
“How can someone forget about someone that was once irreplaceable in just a few weeks or months? Is that even possible?”
The answer is no. Just no.
Furthermore, you aren’t going to be sitting around gathering dust.
Hopefully you spent No Contact becoming an Ungettable Girl.
You are on a mission!
What’s your mission?
Your mission is to have the most fun and be the happiest you’ve ever been! You have nothing holding you back right now. There is no one you have to balance your life with.
Let’s do a little exercise.
What are all of the things you never had time for, the things you sacrificed in order to be a great girlfriend?
- Spending more time with your girlfriends?
- Getting your nails done?
- Did you stay in and cook dinner instead of hitting up the hot yoga class with your pals?
- Have you been yearning to go on road trips but you were stuck in the stands watching his sports games?
- Have you been waiting to write a book or record a song, but just haven’t had the time because of your relationship?
Well, guess what, lady! Now’s your chance!
That’s “Seize the Day!” for those of you unfamiliar with latin, or the movie “Dead Poets Society.”
Self-care and a broad range of interests make all of us more attractive to others, in general, especially to an ex.
Particularly, when you have completed No Contact successfully, and he’s been driven up a wall wondering where has you’ve gone and what you could possibly be doing that doesn’t revolve around him.
Getting Your Ex To Chase You Without Being Obvious
I know what you’re thinking…
Yes! there is!
Because when you do what I describe next, he’ll have a third emotional reaction.
He’ll think to himself,
“Whoa! How can she be so happy after we broke up? Maybe she wasn’t as into me as I thought she was. Did I make a mistake? I want her back!”
All of this puts you in a prime position for you to capitalize on his emotions and remind him how much he really desires you and how much fun you two have together. You can do this by gradually and methodically getting back into contact with him using the tactics laid out in Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro.
First, though, you must learn to use two things to your advantage:
Your Social Media
Your Sphere of Influence
I say learn because you have to use them carefully.
Your Social Media includes any posting updates about your life through social media channels like Facebook, Snapchat, etc. There is an obvious and over-the top way to go about it. Or there is a subtle way to go about it. Our goal is the latter.
Your Sphere of Influence means connecting with people in your mutual circle who will learn how you are doing and what you are up to and get a positive impression of you.
Think of it like this, you want to create your “brand” with both of these tools. Your brand is your image, and you don’t want to send the wrong message.
So, you are going to want to put some thought into this.
What do you want to convey to him and to the world overall?
If you don’t want to seem like a frivolous party girl, be careful about posting lots of pictures with alcohol or out at the club with guys.
If you don’t want to seem boring, make sure you are posting about doing interesting things, not just “studying/working again.”
And the number one rule of thumb is to look good and smile.
Do this all the time, no matter where you are going or who you are meeting. Be positive and happy. Let it be known that you are living your life and living it well.
Don’t mention him, ask about him, or bring him up. Don’t seek out his friends or family. The information will trickle back to him somehow, trust me! Once that void where you were starts to be obvious to him, he will check on what you are up to.
Not only will he not forget you, he’ll be dying for you to reach out to him.
If you’ve previously been chasing him, he’ll wonder why you stopped . . . and it won’t take long for him to decide that he misses having you around. And when he does that, he will seek you out and start chasing you.
So, my Ungettable Girls, stop chasing, because, when you do… they always come back!
So, Let’s Review
We’ve discussed a lot, but I think that the ULTIMATE take away from this article should be DON’T CHASE HIM!
- Chasing will drive him away.
- Removing yourself creates a void.
- Don’t even worry about it, he’ll notice.
- And. when he does start to pay attention…. don’t. be. obvious.
Alrighty, so in the comments below I am going to open up the floor for you to
- Tell me about your breakup
- Let me know what you’ve done so far
- And where you are in the EBR Process
From there our team will help you figure out where you need to go from here to get your ex back.
Are you ready?