According to our own internal research 75% of our personal coaching clients hear from an ex at some point during the no contact rule.
Today I’d like to explore the idea of what the no contact rule success rate is and the biggest mistake I see my clients making with their mindsets during the actual no contact period.
But first, I feel it’s important to set the expectations of what this article is meant to accomplish.
I have decided that the best way to tackle this topic is to divide it up into two segments.
- First, I’d like to redefine what success should look like for someone doing the no contact rule
- Secondly, I’d like to peel back the layers of the no contact rule and explore the psychological reasons for why it works
Redefining What Success Look Like For Someone Doing The No Contact Rule?
I began this article with a pretty bold statement.
75% of our clients report that they hear from their exes during the no contact rule
Most who see that immediately assume that the no contact rule is working but I think this is a mistake for a lot of different reasons.
Firstly, just because an ex contacts you during the no contact rule doesn’t necessarily mean that they are interested in reconnecting with you. It might mean that they are just curious as to what is going on in your lives.
Heck, they might be contacting you just to start a fight.
The ultimate issue here is that there is a gigantic misconception.
The Biggest Misconception: People believe that if an ex doesn’t contact them the no contact rule isn’t working.
I want you to do me a favor.
Take a few minutes out of your day and read my breakdown of what I consider to be the no contact rule (it will differ greatly from my peers.)
I define the no contact rule a tad bit differently than everyone else.
Most people will sit there and tell you that the no contact rule is something that you use to make an ex boyfriend (or girlfriend) miss you. Whereas I have made it clear that the no contact rule is so much more than that.
My Version Of No Contact: A predetermined amount of time where you cut off all contact with your ex to make them miss you and press the reset button on your own life so you can come back stronger than ever before.
Most people zone in on the “make an ex miss them” side of things and completely disregard the “coming back stronger than ever before” portion.
The way I view it is that that the no contact rule is considered to be working if any one of these three criteria are met;
- Your emotions have completely settled down.
- You’ve spent the time away from your ex evolving
- Your ex begins to miss you
Let’s take a very brief moment to detail what I mean by each one of these criteria.
Your Emotions Have Completely Settled Down
Not too much to unpack here. The no contact rule gives you both time to let your emotions settle.
Usually, during a Breakup, there’s quite a bit of anger, resentment, and genuine despair between you. These are all incredibly strong emotions.
Emotions tend to override our ability to act and react rationally.
Trying to resolve things when emotions are still high is a lot like trying to put a fire out with gasoline.
It’s not likely to go well.
It Gives You A Chance To Evolve
Becoming a better version of yourself is never a bad idea.
When you do begin to reconnect with your Ex, you need to bring more value to the table than they expect you to.
Ultimately, your attractiveness increases.
Your Ex Begins To Miss You
Before you implement the no contact rule you and your ex will have most likely entered into a battle of wills.
You don’t want to contact them first and they don’t want to contact you first.
Of course, each party expects the other to break down first. We’ve found that the no contact rule is probably the best tactic in existence for breaking that mindset down.
At first, when you don’t contact them, their thoughts become, “Why aren’t they contacting me?”
Slowly those thoughts will evolve and turn into “I need them to contact me.”
And when that doesn’t happen they usually break down and contact you.
Of course, what always interests me about people is how little they care about understanding why the no contact rule works.
Sun Tzu once said,
Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win.
How can you ever expect to succeed at whatever you are attempting without first understanding the why of the no contact rule? I can’t tell you how often I’ll work with someone who jumps into the no contact rule just expecting it to work.
Knowledge is power.
So, let’s give you some knowledge.
The Psychology Behind The No Contact Rule
If you haven’t already I highly suggest you watch this video;
In it I basically explain the stages people go through when you use the no contact rule. Think of it as an extra check list to determine the “success rate” of the no contact rule.
In this article It’s my intention to peel back the layers even further and show you why I believe the no contact rule can do the things I describe in the video to its victims.
Overall I’ve distilled it down into two psychological concepts.
- Theory of Reactance
- Information Gap Theory
Let’s explore those concepts.
The Theory of Reactance
I’ve talked a lot about this in the past and I’m going to do it again here.
Reactance is a psychological theory stating that human beings tend to “react” when they feel their behavioral freedoms are being threatened or taken away.
So, think for a moment about what a successful no contact rule is doing to your ex.
It’s taking away their freedom to communicate.
The reaction to this threat is usually one of two things.
However, it’s interesting to note that our own internal studies are pointing to a 75% – 25% split.
75% Of Exes Will “Fight” To Get Their Freedom Back While 25% Will Avoid The Situation.
This is why we are seeing a high rate of “reach outs” for our clients during the no contact rule.
The Information Gap Theory
This psychological concept always confuses my readers so don’t be intimidated if you don’t understand it at first.
I think the easiest way to tackle this is to first define what an information gap is.
Information Gap: Refers to some type of gap in your knowledge.
So, essentially when we have these gaps in our knowledge our mind seeks to fill the void.
It is a psychological explanation of curiosity and why we get so fascinated with mystery books and movies.
Our brains like it when we feel like we are masters of our own fates and yet the no contact rule preys on this.
The no contact rule essentially creates its own information gap.
When you implement the no contact rule on your ex a wall goes up that blocks them out of your life.
They won’t know what you are doing.
Who you are talking to.
How your career is going.
They are completely blocked out and this information gap creates a hunger to “fill the void.”
It create curiosity and where there is curiosity there is a reason for them to want to talk to you.
Making The Most Of The No Contact Rule Success Rate
I grew inspired to write this article not to impress you with success rate numbers (which I noticed my peers were doing.)
I saw one person claiming that they had a 90% success rate on the no contact rule.
Just between you and I, I think that is entirely made up.
No, I actually wrote this article so that we could reshape the way we view the no contact rule.
Rather than expecting it to be the cure all solution to your problems I wanted you to realize that what many consider to be a “success” is a simple type of communication with their exes. I don’t know about you but I’d want more than just saying “hi” to my ex if I were in your shoes.
Of course, in order to get that you have to be willing to change the paradigm.
A few months ago I bought this shirt,
It perfectly encapsulates how I feel about the no contact rule.
Stop looking at the no contact rule as just this singular tactic to make your ex miss you. It’s so much more than that.
In fact, I’d argue that if you play your cards right and achieve success in all of the areas I mentioned above the no contact rule can serve as the foundation for which your success is built.