According to our own internal research 75% of our personal coaching clients hear from an ex at some point during the no contact rule.

Today I’d like to explore the idea of what the no contact rule success rate is and the biggest mistake I see my clients making with their mindsets during the actual no contact period.

But first, I feel it’s important to set the expectations of what this article is meant to accomplish.

I have decided that the best way to tackle this topic is to divide it up into two segments.

  1. First, I’d like to redefine what success should look like for someone doing the no contact rule
  2. Secondly, I’d like to peel back the layers of the no contact rule and explore the psychological reasons for why it works

Let’s begin!

Redefining What Success Look Like For Someone Doing The No Contact Rule?

I began this article with a pretty bold statement.

75% of our clients report that they hear from their exes during the no contact rule

Most who see that immediately assume that the no contact rule is working but I think this is a mistake for a lot of different reasons.

Firstly, just because an ex contacts you during the no contact rule doesn’t necessarily mean that they are interested in reconnecting with you. It might mean that they are just curious as to what is going on in your lives.

Heck, they might be contacting you just to start a fight.

The ultimate issue here is that there is a gigantic misconception.

The Biggest Misconception: People believe that if an ex doesn’t contact them the no contact rule isn’t working.

I want you to do me a favor.

Take a few minutes out of your day and read my breakdown of what I consider to be the no contact rule (it will differ greatly from my peers.)

I define the no contact rule a tad bit differently than everyone else.

Most people will sit there and tell you that the no contact rule is something that you use to make an ex boyfriend (or girlfriend) miss you. Whereas I have made it clear that the no contact rule is so much more than that.

My Version Of No Contact: A predetermined amount of time where you cut off all contact with your ex to make them miss you and press the reset button on your own life so you can come back stronger than ever before.

Most people zone in on the “make an ex miss them” side of things and completely disregard the “coming back stronger than ever before” portion.

The way I view it is that that the no contact rule is considered to be working if any one of these three criteria are met;

  1. Your emotions have completely settled down.
  2. You’ve spent the time away from your ex evolving
  3. Your ex begins to miss you

Let’s take a very brief moment to detail what I mean by each one of these criteria.

Your Emotions Have Completely Settled Down

Not too much to unpack here. The no contact rule gives you both time to let your emotions settle.

Usually, during a Breakup, there’s quite a bit of anger, resentment, and genuine despair between you. These are all incredibly strong emotions.

Emotions tend to override our ability to act and react rationally.

Trying to resolve things when emotions are still high is a lot like trying to put a fire out with gasoline.

It’s not likely to go well.

It Gives You A Chance To Evolve

Becoming a better version of yourself is never a bad idea.

When you do begin to reconnect with your Ex, you need to bring more value to the table than they expect you to.

Ultimately, your attractiveness increases.

Your Ex Begins To Miss You

Before you implement the no contact rule you and your ex will have most likely entered into a battle of wills.

You don’t want to contact them first and they don’t want to contact you first.

Of course, each party expects the other to break down first. We’ve found that the no contact rule is probably the best tactic in existence for breaking that mindset down.

At first, when you don’t contact them, their thoughts become, “Why aren’t they contacting me?”

Slowly those thoughts will evolve and turn into “I need them to contact me.”

And when that doesn’t happen they usually break down and contact you.

Of course, what always interests me about people is how little they care about understanding why the no contact rule works.

Sun Tzu once said,

Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win.

How can you ever expect to succeed at whatever you are attempting without first understanding the why of the no contact rule? I can’t tell you how often I’ll work with someone who jumps into the no contact rule just expecting it to work.

Knowledge is power.

So, let’s give you some knowledge.

The Psychology Behind The No Contact Rule

If you haven’t already I highly suggest you watch this video;

In it I basically explain the stages people go through when you use the no contact rule. Think of it as an extra check list to determine the “success rate” of the no contact rule.

In this article It’s my intention to peel back the layers even further and show you why I believe the no contact rule can do the things I describe in the video to its victims.

Overall I’ve distilled it down into two psychological concepts.

  1. Theory of Reactance
  2. Information Gap Theory

Let’s explore those concepts.

The Theory of Reactance

I’ve talked a lot about this in the past and I’m going to do it again here.

Reactance is a psychological theory stating that human beings tend to “react” when they feel their behavioral freedoms are being threatened or taken away.

So, think for a moment about what a successful no contact rule is doing to your ex.

It’s taking away their freedom to communicate.

The reaction to this threat is usually one of two things.

  1. Fight
  2. Flight

However, it’s interesting to note that our own internal studies are pointing to a 75% – 25% split.

75% Of Exes Will “Fight” To Get Their Freedom Back While 25% Will Avoid The Situation.

This is why we are seeing a high rate of “reach outs” for our clients during the no contact rule.

The Information Gap Theory

This psychological concept always confuses my readers so don’t be intimidated if you don’t understand it at first.

I think the easiest way to tackle this is to first define what an information gap is.

Information Gap: Refers to some type of gap in your knowledge.

So, essentially when we have these gaps in our knowledge our mind seeks to fill the void.

It is a psychological explanation of curiosity and why we get so fascinated with mystery books and movies.

Our brains like it when we feel like we are masters of our own fates and yet the no contact rule preys on this.

The no contact rule essentially creates its own information gap.

When you implement the no contact rule on your ex a wall goes up that blocks them out of your life.

They won’t know what you are doing.

Who you are talking to.

How your career is going.

They are completely blocked out and this information gap creates a hunger to “fill the void.”

It create curiosity and where there is curiosity there is a reason for them to want to talk to you.

Making The Most Of The No Contact Rule Success Rate

I grew inspired to write this article not to impress you with success rate numbers (which I noticed my peers were doing.)

I saw one person claiming that they had a 90% success rate on the no contact rule.

Just between you and I, I think that is entirely made up.

No, I actually wrote this article so that we could reshape the way we view the no contact rule.

Rather than expecting it to be the cure all solution to your problems I wanted you to realize that what many consider to be a “success” is a simple type of communication with their exes. I don’t know about you but I’d want more than just saying “hi” to my ex if I were in your shoes.

Of course, in order to get that you have to be willing to change the paradigm.

A few months ago I bought this shirt,

It perfectly encapsulates how I feel about the no contact rule.

Stop looking at the no contact rule as just this singular tactic to make your ex miss you. It’s so much more than that.

In fact, I’d argue that if you play your cards right and achieve success in all of the areas I mentioned above the no contact rule can serve as the foundation for which your success is built.

12 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule Success Rate Is 75% For Our Clients”

  1. Avatar

    Jen

    December 7, 2019 at 8:29 pm

    I was broken up with yesterday, and as the holidays approach I already got a gift for him and his mom. I know I should not give him the gifts I got him and have set a no contact rule for myself, but am wondering what to do about the gifts for his mom? We were together for over a year and I have known her personally near the whole time. Both gifts I got her are personalized, and I do not believe I could return them. What do I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 8, 2019 at 9:55 pm

      Hi Jen, attempt to return the gifts to where you got them from as it is possible to get a refund, if not then you could maybe sell via ebay etc. During no contact you can not contact his family as this is classed as breaking no contact, so wait until it is over if you still want to give the gifts to his mother

  2. Avatar

    Kelly

    December 1, 2019 at 11:16 pm

    Hi,

    I have a question related to the situation during a breakup. Me and my boyfriend had a very calm, civil breakup. It was his decision, which was shocking to me however I reacted with a lot of class. I did try to convince him to give us a chance to fix things however once he said that he doesn’t see the point but he cares for me deeply and wants me as a friend, I said I understand and respect his decision. I did tell him though that because I feel it might be super difficult there is a possibility we’re never going to see each other or talk again and hence I might not reply if he would contact me for that would be better in terms of dealing with feelings, he said he understands.
    He was crying all the time, I did not cry at all and generally looked like the stronger one in this situation.
    Overall the break up was very good and he even said that this is the most incredible thing that I am so understanding etc.

    Instantly after I left I began the no contact = he texted me the next day, saying that if I ever need anything he’ll be there for me and I did not reply. Since then he hasn’t really reached out to me however I do see him observing and ‘liking’ all of my posts and ‘stories’ on social media. I also know that he is not seeing anyone and our friends say that he stays home all the time and only play games (and in his case it usually means he is upset or sick).

    It’s been only four days now and I have just discovered this website, so it is pretty early, however I have made the plan of the No Contact period etc and now I am focusing on socialising and improving myself, I do however wonder if the No Contact would be as effective given that he was kinda warned I will not be speaking to him?
    Do you think he would expect me to reach out anyway?
    What are the chances of him texting me if he somewhat expects to recieve no answer?

    I am not changing the plan at all it just made me wonder if such situation changes anything in the length of the NC or how should I approach all this?

    Thank you in advance for your help, even if i am not gonna get him back your website gives a bit of a relief and motivates not to text him πŸ˜‰

    Kelly

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 6, 2019 at 8:03 pm

      Hi Kelly, so the way you handled the break up and how you stayed composed is brilliant and it definitely will help you get him back. You need to stick with your No Contact 100% because he will expect you to reach out to him in the next few days – week or so because that’s usually when it will feel more “real” and it gets harder to deal with the need to speak with him. So keep this strength going. The fact that he is inside doing nothing and not socialising also does show he is upset, but if he has ended things with you did he give an actual reason or were you not getting along in general? You’re doing really well right now so stay strong <3

  3. Avatar

    Crystal

    November 14, 2019 at 1:30 pm

    Hi, if hes the one who wanted space and i have decided for myself (without communicating it to him) to a 35 day no contact rule, and both of us have made no attempt to contact each other during this period, who should approach first and make first contact at the end of NC?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 14, 2019 at 11:35 pm

      Hi Crystal, so if you want him back then you need to reach out yourself first but make sure you read up on what the first text should look like before you do

  4. Avatar

    Kirsty

    October 30, 2019 at 9:03 pm

    Ok thank you, as i say it has been over that, so ill wait till 45 days now.

    Thank you for getting back to me πŸ™‚

  5. Avatar

    Kirsty

    October 30, 2019 at 7:01 pm

    Thank you, i have actually been on a few dates, but doesn’t compare to him.
    I’m a bit confused sorry, shall i just not ever reach out at all? and try forget and maybe see if he does?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 30, 2019 at 8:08 pm

      Hey Kirsty, you reach out after your NC is over ( approx 30 days of no contact) if you want him back you are going to be the one who initiates a few times to build up the connection again

  6. Avatar

    Kirsty

    October 30, 2019 at 5:20 pm

    Hello,

    I’ve been with my ex-boyfriend for 5 and a half years and in that time we have broken up more times than I can count.
    He has autism and can be quite self-centered and stubborn, normally when we have split up in the past, we both equally reached out the same amount of times, but lately its been me that’s reached out to him first.
    We have never gone longer than 2 months without talking, the reason I broke up with him on the 24th of September was… because he kept doing things without me when he was cross with me and not including me, like going on trips that I was originally invited to, with his mates and weddings where i was his plus one etc and lying that he didnt go, but i found out on social media.

    He has hard blocked me on everything, even when I was with him, I was always blocked on social media because I used to catch him always following half naked women, but he always got angry if I was post a cleavage shot for example, he was very double standards like that and i know due ti a lot if personal insecurities.
    It has now been 30 days since the no contact from both sides and I’m just wondering what I should do?
    I have been posting pictures on Instagram (public) which I know his friends can see, but I do know he’s blocked me on text and calls, because he’s done this in the past every break up, even email.
    He has also done the ‘I don’t love you, we will never getting back together, it was a terrible relationship ‘ thing so many times in the past but he will always respond to me and come back always on his terms and arrangements. After doing a lot of research on the ex-boyfriend recovery website, I have realised that I used to go about things the completely wrong way, I’ve begged at his door and he’s left me crying outside!
    I wrote a big four page essay back in June, about why I want to be with him, only for him to pretend he never read it and ring me to tell me he’s gone on dates and he wants to help me “get over him” which I know he can’t or he has trouble with dating and conversing because his autism and also has insecurities with personal problems regarding sex and I was his first everything when we met. Normally when I’ve tried to get him back before, I’ve just texted something sexual, desperately playing into to his weakness, which I’ll admit this is not a mature approach and it is very indecent thing for me ro do.

    I do believe that he cares a lot for me because when we get back together I can feel he does but the times we have spilt up and hs reached out first, he does it differently to me, he will send me a “goodbye” long text, emotionally manipulating me, of our good times together and he hopes I’ll find it with someone else and telling me not to think of him and move on and live life to the fullest” (i can almost predict what he is going write each time!) Lol maybe its fear of rejection i don’t know.
    I think he thinks, that having these disputes in relationships are not normal, I guess maybe because I was his first relationship and the first girl to show him any interest, but after reading a lot of articles on this website and hearing people’s own experiences, I realise thousands of people go through exactly the same relationship problems we do, ie with compromise ect…and I do believe that when we get back together the problems are still there, so we end up splitting up pretty quick after.
    I don’t know where to go from here as he’s the only man I’ve ever loved at the age of 33.
    I don’t get a connection or a spark with anybody else and even after 5 and a half years he still gives me butterflies.
    We like the same things, we are both autistic, I feel easy around him and I have never gone off him physically, which can happen to me in my previous relationship.
    I’m not as upset as I have been in past break ups with him, but I still think about him 24/7 and check his fb on a fake account i have and his gaming site, to see if he’s at home gaming, instead of going out and my biggest fear some girl touching him.
    I also, since Reading on this website, have been assessing my own behaviour, as in, although he can be hard work and self centred at times and he finds it hard to put himself in my shoes and hard to empathise, when I hear something I don’t like I’m very impulsive and very quick to react..
    So this has really helped me open my eyes to understanding, that you shouldn’t make a long-term decision on a short-term emotion.

    I know I won’t ever find anyone again that i have that connection with, I do believe he is thinking about me everyday, because he’s told me this when we broke up before.

    This time round I haven’t been moping, I’m able to sleep, I don’t get as many heart palpitations and I’m able to eat well and workout, which I have been doing everyday since.

    Basically I don’t know where to go from here..if he’s hard blocked me and it’s been 30 days no contact, apart from one thing I was annoyed about, his cousin talks to me from time to time and I told him that I don’t want to get back with him, but I will never get that connection with anyone else, then his cousin amitted to messaging him the next day and I got really angry and annoyed, as his cousin wrote to him, I’m obsessed with him and won’t get the spark with any one else!! I told him he had no right to interfere and I blocked his cousin!!
    That was last Friday, his cousin then text him saying he miss interpreted what I said and I don’t want to get back with him and I’ve moved on, I was annoyed that he put any of that stuff, even more so ‘I’ve moved on’ i would never want him thinking i have ever moved on especially as it isnt true and my ex said, he’ll never get back with me, if in that time, ive been with other guys, he said it would just taint what we had.

    He never replied to his cousin at all, as i know they fell out a while ago, so I don’t know whether he actually recieved them texts or if now he’s feeling angry, or hurt, as he has been told two different things.

    So what I’m trying to find out is, what should I do if I’m hard blocked and it’s been over 30 days now? should I continue you the no-contact rule?
    my ex did tell me one thing, when we got back together in the past, he said he knows I’m always going to text him at some point, which made me feel angry and not want to reach out to him again first.
    I know if I don’t, he won’t, I can’t say for certain, but that’s just how I feel, with his autism he can easily cut people off, but again in the past he has reached out to me first, so i just do not know.

    I just don’t know what to do and if it goes to 45 days, I’m scared to message first, but I have also read that it doesn’t mean that you’ve lost and they’ve won.
    I understand the concept, but I just don’t know how long to do the no-contact rule for, before reading up on this website I had it in my mind, that if it goes past 3 months, as that’s the longest we have not spoke for, he might realise im not coming back and message, but then after reading on the website that after 66 days, it’s not a good time to reach out.

    I’m just battling with my mind what I should do, I’ve left all channels of communication open this time and I know in his head, because I’ve done that, he thinks i will definitely message him again, because he’s told me before, thats what he believes.

    Sorry about the long message, any help would be very much appreciated.
    P.S Next month on pay day i am gping to purchase the bundle, as all the psychology behind relationships, really fascinate me and will help me grow for future interactions with people. πŸ™‚

    Thank you
    Kirsty.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 30, 2019 at 6:38 pm

      Hi Kirsty so with being in a hard block theres not much you can do with reaching out. But like you said online you have the sphere of influence of his friends so keep posting UG things and working on yourself. I would also date casually – it feels backwards but it does help so much.

  7. Avatar

    tayden lee

    October 14, 2019 at 12:50 am

    i love your site. it gives me faith and hope and reassures me that i am in control. its hard to stay hopeful and positive sometimes especially knowing my stubborn ex of mine. everytime i have bad thoughts or worries i come to your site to reassure me that this is the right thing to do and that its my last shot at it. you empower me. i feel like i have grown so much as a person even in these few weeks and am truly bettering myself despite how much i think about him and miss him.

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