So it happened…again.

The pang in your heart, the pain in your gut that tells you that you need to contact him.

It hits you randomly, as a lot of reminders of him always do – when you’re flipping through channels which watching TV and a random show pops on that you used to binge watch together; or when you’re driving and a song that you two used to sing comes on; or maybe your friends suggest having dinner at a restaurant you two had your eighteenth date.

No matter what the trigger is, the result tends to be the same: “I need to text him. I need to call him.

I want to tell him how much I miss him and want him back.

“This No Contact Rule is killing me!”

I totally understand this feeling, y’all.

The No Contact Rule is a struggle and let’s face it – the struggle is real.

Not being in constant contact with someone you spent all day, every day texting and/or calling just plain sucks.

There’s no other way to say it.

Quitting something cold turkey disrupts our perfect world, and since our perfect world involves our lovely exes, we take this abrupt end quite hard. Every day without contact does numbers to our psyche.

We get anxious and worried about the ex moving on and not wanting or needing us anymore.

For those lucky ones who have exes reaching out to them during their No Contact, or NC, period, they have to dance around the idea of whether or not to reply to them. No matter what the situation, the basic truth is that No Contact always starts off as a struggle.

How we choose to overcome it, however, is what we truly struggle with the most.

Some women are able to survive No Contact unscathed and hardly bothered, and by the end, they’re ready to pick up the phone and text that ex of theirs, making sure they know what they’re missing. But for the rest of us, it’s not that easy because it really feels like someone pulled the rug out from under us.

We aren’t just left heartbroken, but also defeated and devastated, our resolve a little weaker than other women. That’s not to say that we are weak, just that we haven’t found our inner strength yet. Allow me to elaborate with my own story.

Currently, I’m going through an indefinite NC with my ex after an unsuccessful texting phase, and an initial NC period that I barely got through. Notice that I said “got through” and not necessarily “survived.” See, I wouldn’t exactly say that I survived my first NC because, to be totally honest, I didn’t follow the No Contact Rule wholly and completely.

Let me remind you what the No Contact Rule is according to Chris and The Ex-Boyfriend Recovery:

[No Contact is] A period of time in which you ignore your ex deliberately in an attempt to make them miss you more and ultimately allow them time to erase any bad feelings they have towards you; while simultaneously providing yourself an avenue to emotionally recover and grow as an individual.

Deliberately ignored my ex? Check. Attempted to make him miss me? Check. Maybe. The verdict is still out on that. Allow him time to erase any bad feelings he has towards me? Check. Simultaneously provide myself an avenue to emotionally recover and grow as an individual? Uh………………….

See, I believe the reason many of us struggle with No Contact, why we are killing ourselves over it, is simple: We are all still obsessing over our ex-boyfriends.

For the most part, NC is not successful because the ex is still the central focus of this whole process, when truthfully, the focus should be on you. You, too, are “getting through” this No Contact, not “surviving” it, because you’re not focused on you.

As hard as it is, ignoring your ex and finding the courage to not reach out to him only seems hard because you’re putting so much stock in him. I’m gonna give you some tough love right now, and you probably don’t want to hear it; but you’re gonna need it if you want to get through this No Contact period, baby doll, so please don’t take offense when I say bluntly: Stop obsessing over him! I’m sure if you learn how to do this, like Gloria Gaynor famously said,

You will survive.

If No Contact is killing you, think back to why you started it in the first place. If you keep focused on both aspects of NCR (putting yourself first, then your ex), then the better equipped you will be to surviving it.

Stop worrying about if he will contact you, when he will contact you, if he is lurking on your social media. It won’t be helpful, I can assure you.

Put yourself first, in the center focus of this NC game. Let the focus be more on you and less on your ex. “How can I do that?” you might be asking yourself.

Well, I’ll share with you some of the things that I’m currently implementing on NC Round 2, with hopes that these tips will help you out.

Feel Your Feels… Then Move On

First of all, go through every emotion you’re feeling so you can allow yourself to move on from them.

Try not to hold in all your feelings or bottle up your emotions because that’s not always the healthiest thing to do. If you feel sad – cry. If you’re angry – vent to anyone or to yourself, even. If a random memory pops into your mind, think about it and then do something else. Basically, cry over your spilled milk and then clean it up because you’ve got other things to do, champ.

Feel your feels and then move on.

But how do you do this? How can you go through your emotions and just carry on like you never felt that way? Let me tell you what I did. Personally, I am a very emotional person, so I go through a lot of emotions in a day. Can you imagine what I was going through the first week of my breakup? It was terrible! When I got so tired of the emotional turmoil, I decided to write my feelings out. I’ve been told many times by friends how therapeutic writing is for the mind and soul.

Even though I was advised to do this during any point of heartbreak or depression, I never did it. To actually write my feelings? I couldn’t bring myself to be that candid. But this most recent breakup shook me so much that I felt like I truly needed to get my feelings out. The easiest way for me to write my feelings out and not succumb to texting my ex before NC ended was to dedicate a journal to my ex.

By doing this, not only was I able to get my feelings and frustrations out, I was also able to get the ex out of my head when he clouded it and distracted me in my NC.

Click To Pick Up Your Copy of My eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book”!

A lot of my entries were written like I was texting him about my day, how I felt, what reminded me of him. For days when I was lazy, I made voice notes instead, and pretended I was talking to him.

Trust me: This emotional release will be healthy for you, even if you have to do it multiple times a day. Think of it as a detox – Once you clear your mind of all that is blocking it mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, the lighter you’ll feel and the more you can focus on doing other things.

Speaking of other things to do, here’s another tip: Keep busy. I’d like to warn you that of course keeping yourself busy right after a breakup can be rough on you in the beginning, and understandably so. It can be draining your energy, but it’s better to keep yourself moving that sitting alone in your room, wondering what went wrong for the millionth time that week.

Many women probably will admit that the worst times of the day after a breakup is when they’re left alone with their own thoughts.

But if you try to put yourself in constant motion, you’re forced to focus on other things. You can reconnect with the kind of person you were with your family and friends, and get to know them all over again.

Make plans to do the things you did with them before your ex monopolized all your time (and we can be honest here; we know the ex monopolized all of your time.)

Delve into the interests you set aside in favor of your ex’s interests, or venture out and find new hobbies.

Mine was being shoddy at Calligraphy, in case you were wondering (you probably weren’t.)

  • See the movie you wanted to see.
  • Take that cooking class.
  • Even date – but only if you feel ready to.

I wouldn’t want you to throw yourself at another relationship unless you’ve taken care of yourself first.

And ladies, don’t be afraid to unplug yourself from social media for a while.

I know it’s hard to do it for many of us whose phones are basically their right hand (I’m guilty of it!), but unplugging for a while off every kind of social media can help you stay focused.

After my ex and I broke up, I obsessively checked Instagram to see if he posted, what pictures he liked, and always wondered if he was looking at my profile. I knew it wasn’t healthy, but I kept checking it every five minutes until it he deleted me off his “Followers” list.

That’s when I knew I had to stop checking my social media religiously. It wasn’t helping me focus on me.

And look, you don’t have to do this for a long period of time, either. You can unplug for an hour or two, a few days, or even a few weeks if you absolutely need it.

But once you’re ready and you’ve got your mind cleared, your focus centered, jump back in that social media game and use social media to your advantage, not at the mercy of your ex’s.

Another way I stayed focused during my first NC period was by being active in the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Facebook group.

I know it sounds like shameless plugging, but hear me out.

This group saved me at my lowest low.

When I couldn’t open up to my family and my friends were sick of hearing me sing along to Adele to nurse the pain, everyone in the group provided me with the support I needed to carry on.

Chris and Jennifer Seiter, as well as all the active members in the group – everyone consoled me when I posted my frustration. And when I returned the favor and helped console others, I found myself reflecting on my own relationship and what I was doing.

It was then that I looked at my own recovery period, how I handled/was handling it, and if I needed to re-evaluate anything.

Because everyone was at different stages post-breakup – fresh from heartbreak, just getting over NC and anxiously preparing for the texting phase, or already back with their exes and sharing with others what helped their process – not only did I do a self-evaluation on my progress, I also found that helping others distracted me from my own situation. If you get a chance to join the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Facebook group, I highly recommend it.

These ladies are there when everyone else in your life just doesn’t understand why you’re still upset.

They’re your #squadgoals, and they’re there for you, babe.

No Contact Is A Necessary Evil

So now that I shared with you how to stay focused during your NC period and other activities you can do to keep you on track, I want to share with you some specific benefits to NC that I’ve noticed from my own experiences, as well as others.

While there are benefits, yes, I cannot help but say that No Contact is a necessary evil. It’s evil because you’re forcing yourself to stop talking to your ex cold turkey, but it’s necessary because it’s it will do so much good for you.

It’s good for you because it allows you to take a step back and look at who you are, post-breakup, because you’re definitely a different person than you were before you were in a relationship.

You’ve spent months, maybe even years with this person who you’re currently missing and pining for.

And while I’m sure many of you have maintained your own independent identity in the relationship, the truth is you were always identified as a couple, a team, a unit, like “Mike and Christine” or “Jackie and Jamie.” For me, it was “Janell and Kris.” When Kris left, Janell was on her own and needed to learn how to be alone again.

Even though I’d be alone a long time before Kris, I’d forgotten how to live alone again without him.

I forgot how much I liked working out in a gym versus getting my workout by practicing my golf swings with him. I forgot that I didn’t actually like watching Bleach, his favorite anime, because I was more into Sailor Moon. I’d forgotten a lot of things because I was part of “Team Janell and Kris”, that “Team Janell” barely existed.

When I rediscovered who I was pre-Kris, I started to feel like my old self again.

And that’s a lesson everyone eventually has to re-learn, post-breakup, because so much of your life were a part of theirs.

Re-learning who you are during No Contact is essential because, like the rule says, you need to recover emotionally in order to fulfill the next part, which is growing as an individual. This part is a term that Chris coined for us, and that we in the EBR group embraced wholly, known as being the “Ungettable Girl.”

Doesn’t Sandra Bullock look so #boss in this scene of Miss Congeniality?

When I think of being an Ungettable Girl, or “UG” for short, this image immediately pops into my mind almost always. Sandra exudes confidence and a type of impenetrable aura that makes you just want to be like her.

This is the kind of confidence you need to be an Ungettable Girl.

I just want to make that clear – being ungettable is not to say that you have to go through a total body makeover and look sexy in a bodycon dress, ladies. And it’s totally okay to want a makeover to feel UG, as well. No shame zone here! Heck, I went blonde during NC!

But being UG is more than physical appearance.

It’s about rebuilding that confidence that was most likely destroyed when your ex left.

And when you’ve built that confidence back up again, you’re setting yourself further down the clear path of recovery.

Re-Evaluate Your Value In The Relationship

The last benefit of the No Contact Rule is that you get to re-evaluate your priorities.

At this point, if you’ve allowed yourself to recover emotionally and to grow as an individual, it shouldn’t matter how long your NC period is before you break it….JUST KIDDING, Y’ALL!

Stick to 21-45 days, or Chris will rebuke me!

But seriously, if you’ve allowed yourself time to recover and grow, you’ll realize that by not contacting your ex throughout the entire NC period, you give yourself time to re-evaluate your value in the relationship. You will also see that NC allows you to look at parts of your relationship that you could make changes so that you don’t make the same mistakes once you’re back together with your ex.

Maybe through NC, you’ll learn at that point that getting your ex back isn’t your priority anymore.

Maybe you begin to realize that you don’t want your ex to miss you that badly. Maybe you’re ready to move on to greener pastures, date the other fish in the sea because now you’re a badass woman whose confidence cannot be shattered easily.

You may not have seen this right of the bat when you started your NC period, but that time really does put your wants, needs, and priorities in that relationship into perspective so you can reflect and hopefully build a better one the second time around.

I know, it may be killing you not hearing from your ex. And it’s tough to feel better about yourself after feeling rejected and broken up with, but don’t lose yourself in that sea of negativity.

Once you stay focused on accomplishing the No Contact Rule in its complete, two-fold process, the stronger you become.

And if you didn’t know it already, you are strong.

The No Contact Rule wasn’t implemented to make you hate your life, and its intent is never to make you feel bad about your ex not wanting you.

It exists to remind you that no matter how you’re feeling about the breakup, only you can start the process to help you be whole again.

Others can help you along the way, and your ex can take you back, but it’s up to you to make sure you survive in the end.

And yes, you will survive.

(This was a guest post written by Janell Agcaoili)

95 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule Is Killing Me…”

  1. Avatar

    Grace

    November 16, 2019 at 5:29 am

    My ex and I dated for almost 9 months and we were crazy in love with each other. We decided to take a break which lasted about a month and half. About 4 months ago he broke off our break. We continued to remain in contact and still flirted a lot. One day he called me and told me he had a new girlfriend. She was his girl best friend when we dated and when I found out I was so hurt. I’m still in love with him and I want him back. We had talked about marriage and our future together and now he’s with someone else. The girl he’s dating now looks very similar to me which I think is weird. About a week ago I started the no contact rule but he thinks it was his idea to stop talking so I’m not sure what to do. I love him so much and I want him back. He has made no effort in contacting me and is moving forward with his new girl. Any suggestions?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 18, 2019 at 9:15 pm

      Hi Grace, so you need to do some work on being the Ungettable girl and read up about the being there method. As the girl is new you are going to have to do a NC for at least 45 days so that they ahve enough time to pass the honeymoon phase

  2. Avatar

    aldiesha patterson

    September 17, 2019 at 9:38 pm

    so I dont know if im supposed to just write on this wall but here goes. so recently my now ex the one who meant the world to me we broke up over a situation that occurred in may which involved abuse towards me. it wasn’t so much the abuse because it did stop but it was just so much built up anger from being hurt so many times by the man I loved so much. so we ended up breaking up and he ended up finding someone else like a week later it seemed to me. even though he hurt me I wanted him back so bad and I though he felt the same. we ended up getting back together and i thought we were going to be the same way we were before we broke up but, he became sneaky mean and distant and every time I just kept feeling its someone else so i fought harder cried harder and turned out to be someone else and once he knew that I knew it got worse . he began to lie to me about this girl and more so. i did everything I could and he would come back to me and treat me so shitty so mean like he hated me but he didn’t want to let me go so I stayed and with him trying to compete for his love. I thought I had it but now as i’m typing this I realized he gets excitement from starting something new. he eventually told me we were going to be together and that he was done with the other girl so I believed him. I trusted his word despite my gut saying different. about a week ago we ended badly he confessed to me that he was in love with her and that he couldn’t be with me anymore because he doesn’t want to hurt me after all the hurt he had already caused me on top of coming back into my life after I told him If I don’t make you happy then go be happy with her. he denied it and denied it until he couldn’t anymore. I was so hurt so betrayed I did everything for this guy and he took and took until i had nothing left to give and ran to the next girl as if i wasn’t nothing. this girl always had a new bf a week later she would do little things like post pictures of him to try and get me mad and he would never defend me I just couldn’t understand. make a long story short I got so upset because I just couldn’t believe he would throw away all we had for someone he barely know all of our history our love we had for each other thrown away for a 3 months of cheating. i haven’t heard form him in a week. our breakup was so bad i had to call the police i lied and said I pressed charges I really didn’t. i know this sounds dumb but it feels like i’m the only one hurting. like he just moved on with her and is so happy. I don’t know because I unfriended him and blocked her but why is it killing me so much why do i feel so hurt and I was the victim, I was betrayed broken, cheated on used so why am i so hurt

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 19, 2019 at 5:34 pm

      Hey Aldiesha, This is such a hurtful and upsetting breakup you’ve been through and its justified why you’re so upset. You have answered your own question, you’r hurting because you have been betrayed multiple times along with your confidence and self esteem will have taken a big hit too.

      Take some time 45 days NC if you’re going to try and get him back. And work on yourself, look up the Ungettable Girl and focus your energy on being the best version of yourself and finding your happiness without him in your life first before you try to reach out to him or get into any future relationships.

  3. Avatar

    Jane

    April 16, 2019 at 10:46 pm

    Okay this might sound crazy, but I’m still hoping you can help me out. My ex and I dated for 3.5 months (yes I know, not very long). Even though it wasn’t very long, we were crazy about each other… at least, until he had a death in the family.

    I was so supportive of him. I listened to him when he was upset, was there for him whenever he needed me, did whatever he wanted, etc. And don’t get me wrong, he was nice to me too. But things changed. Eventually I realised that we were, for the most part, only doing what he wanted. On multiple occasions it happened where he would always have a bad day or something would come up to make him upset on the nights we did what I wanted. I felt like he wasn’t appreciating me for the things I did, and especially after he started making the things I did for him look like I did for myself, it confirmed my suspicions. I love him so much, but I love myself too. I know I deserve to be treated better. I should be with someone who would put in the same amount of effort as me in the relationship. So I returned his belongings and broke up with him.

    Like I said, I’m still very much into him, and it hurts like hell that we’re not together anymore. I don’t get it. I thought it would be easier since I didn’t have to work so hard anymore. I cracked and told him I loved him and wanted him back the same night, and he said he needed to think and that he just couldn’t talk about it that night, same with the next day. After that I implemented the no contact and ignored his response and a couple messages, but it’s killing me. Why is it so hard on me? Is it honestly possible he might realise what he lost and put in the effort? I already told him that I’d take him back if he put in the effort, but I also don’t really know what guys are like in this situation, especially since he’s so upset right now. I’m trying to focus on myself right now and keep up with my busy schedule, but still. Thanks for everything

  4. Avatar

    Aubrey VanSant

    September 30, 2018 at 3:17 pm

    did my last post go through?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 30, 2018 at 4:22 pm

      Hi Aubrey. It sure did!

    2. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 30, 2018 at 4:22 pm

      Hi Aubrey. It sure did!

  5. Avatar

    Aubrey VanSant

    September 30, 2018 at 2:42 pm

    Hello,
    Me and my boyfriend have had an amazing relationship, with only one fight which we had . dealt with in less than an hour, but besides that no real problems. He is one year and two days younger than me so he is still in high school while I am in college. Over the summer we would hang out almost everyday and our relationship is the most secure, and fun-loving, constantly laughing when we are together, super goofy and all that. He’s my best friend and I am his! He would tell me how he sees a future with me so far in time and I do too. Fast forward to where the problem lies. He came to visit me a few weeks into college and everything was really fun and normal like nothing had changed. However a couple more weeks passed and we were on facetime like we would do every night and he said we had to talk and my heart sank. I texted him for He said he can’t do this anymore that he can’t go so long without seeing me but we are only one hour away. Then I sent his stuff back back 4 days after he broke it off and he said he wants to figure this out and he promised he’s not ignoring me so we talked but all he says is that he cant go so long without seeing me and that he has to think about it. Later on I wanted answers still so i texted him and then he said he has been really stressed out and that he really needs time. I really reallly believe that if I give it time he will come back but I ended up trying to tell him I was moving on and that I understand so that we could end things gracefully in hopes that will help my chances. He said he doesn’t expect me to wait and that I am an amazing girl. He was always the one telling me that we will definitely work when I leave, he was the one reassuring me that we will be okay and that he has so much hope and i did too. I still do. I am still in shock that this happened. The last thing I told him was that we should meet sometime soon face to face because he broke it off when it had been a couple weeks since we had seen eachother face to face. He liked the message but hasn’t responded. I miss him so so much still. I think about him all the time. We dated for 5 months officially , but 8 months unofficially ( i said i wasn’t ready the first time). i haven’t really called him my ex because it is still so fresh and such a weird ending and I dont really believe we are done. It has now been 8 days since i have started the no contact rule but he has not said anything, do I still have hope? what should I do? I I know that they say that college relationships don’t last but we are different. If i could get a quick response that would be awesome, I really really appreciate the help.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 30, 2018 at 4:25 pm

      Hi Aubrey!

      So its still very early in the NC process. You do want to be sure you are implementing it properly, so you might want to take a look at my resources on the site. My books on the topic of breakup are extensive and go into great detail. Its not unusual for your ex to not respond. My program calls for you to reach out at the end of the NC period, so lots to know….lots of moving pieces.

  6. Avatar

    Ashley A

    April 7, 2018 at 5:10 pm

    I was in a 10years relationship since 17th. Recently I caught him cheated on me with this girl since few years back . He left me for the girl.i did NC for 10days and stop after he repeated text me saying he cannot forget me. Then we got in touch, but he was still with the girl while I am just a friend . Until his gf found out about me still in touch with him.. he stop finding and even asked me to explain to his gf that we were just friend . Ever since then I started NC again …is 15days now…he has been texting me and even wish me Happy Anniversay on our anniversay day..also he mentioned in the text that he knew I won’t reply but it is ok to him…I didn’t reply…the next day I found out through his fb that he went on a holiday with the gf. I am devastated and confused …however I maintain my NC. I am confused why he still text me almost everyday trying to get me talk to him when he actually together with the girl that he wronged me for. FYI they were together for about 5years …and the other girl didn’t know that he has me all along their relationship . Please advise

    1. Jennifer Seiter

      Jennifer Seiter

      April 7, 2018 at 7:05 pm

      You will have to be in the picture if you want him back. Be friends with him after your no contact. It sounds like it was working if she was worried about you.

    2. Avatar

      Ashley A

      April 7, 2018 at 8:18 pm

      But they have been together for about 5years..she was the not official one but now she is . Fees days ago he texted me assuring me that I am important to him and I will always be. I didn’t reply as I am in the NC. However, I am confused he chooses her over me after our 10yrs relationship …he should be happy and focusing on her when I finally stop bugging him and stay away from him.Why is he still texting me? But not choosing me over her? Would I still stand a chance to get him back since he already picked her? And they are together for about 5yrs..FYI..I didn’t know he is together with both us until recently I found out her existence. He convinced her that I am just an annoying EXgf

    3. Jennifer Seiter

      Jennifer Seiter

      April 7, 2018 at 10:19 pm

      He’s keeping you around as a second option. Ugh, I hate when guys do this.

      Yes I think you can get him back but he sounds like the type to go between the two of you for a while.

      You should consider dating other men and seeing if there is a better fit for you. I am here for you and will support whatever decision you make but from what you’ve told me I think he will breakup every time something goes wrong in the relationship and jump to the other woman. This cycle won’t stop until one of you gives up on him in which case he may move on to a new girl.

    4. Avatar

      Ashley A

      April 8, 2018 at 1:55 pm

      He is not that kind of guy that will hop on the new girl Everytime problem occurs. I believe he has only two of us…I was the longer one with him .. but he seems like he serious with the girl after the numerous vacations that he has brought her. Except the girl has never meet his family after years together with him, while I used to stay at his home..his family only know about me. I am not sure if he has already brought the girl home by now . He returned all my stuffs to my home one day and decided to broke up with me . But he cant seems to let me go entirely …I don’t understand .. I honestly don’t think he is a such a person intentionally ..but at point of time he seems to care about our anniversary despite me ignore his texts…and the next day he jet off with the girl to some kind of vacations. Felt like I was being played out .

    5. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 11, 2018 at 2:13 am

      Hi Ashley…I am trying to catch up with some of my visitors to the site. I agreed, he is playing both sides. Not cool of him.

    6. Avatar

      Ashley A

      April 11, 2018 at 2:11 pm

      I understand I have to work on my NC. Currently 23rd day. But looking at the progress…from the first day of NC he sent daily text to now no text and calls at all…and the existence of the girl..do u think I still stand a chance or he is really into the other girl ? Is that the reason why after years with me and the other girl ..he picked her? But he also mentioned to me during NC that i am always important to him n he appreaciate me…what does it means ?

    7. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 11, 2018 at 11:22 pm

      Hi again Ashley…just follow the plan and reach out to him with an initial contact text message in the next few days. Most NC periods range from 21 to 30 days. It sounds like to me he still has warm thoughts for you.

    8. Avatar

      Ashley A

      April 12, 2018 at 2:29 pm

      Should it be 30 or 45days? I Rmb u mentioned 45days for cheating case like this?

    9. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 12, 2018 at 4:36 pm

      It really varies given every individual situation. This is no hard and fast rule. One can even break the NC period if certain things unfold. I discuss this in my ebook “The No Contact Rulebook”. So you probably have the best feel if longer is better. 21 days is usually the sweet spot, but I have seen 14 days work and I have seen cases where much more time and separation was needed. It depends on the couple, their history, and many other variables. That is why I wrote the No Contact Rulebook ebook because so many people want to understand every facet and how to adapt it for their situation.

  7. Avatar

    Anne

    February 21, 2018 at 10:17 am

    Hi, I’m new to this site and looking for some help. I have three children with my ex, we was separated for a few years and rekindled our relationship last year. 6 months was great, then one day after a argument over a comment our child said he said he needed space to work out what he wanted. . I gave space . I didn’t realise that was him splitting. . So fast forward 6 weeks to now and he’s dating someone new. He says it’s my fault he left as I broke my promise ( I noticed he was distant so just asked if he was ok or if there was something I should know about) I have been called names,blamed for the breakup despite him ending it. I have been amicable amd not risen to his messages,comments about me dating ( which im not but I never corrected him) , I have left him to his dating thing and not been to his work place anything. I feel like I’m being punished as a emotional blackmail for his insecurities and dating guilt. I left him alone and he had a problem with it so i told him blunt I love him and want a relationship and he got mad , so i stopped saying it. . I am so confused with how confused he is I don’t know how to go about anything. We have always been best friends so this whole situation is hurting, been together and amicable for 12 years. He has contact with children via his mother as a mutual base point . He is miserable stubborn and reaching out to me, acts dumb asking why I love him ECT. ,his mother sees he is not happy. . How do I deal with this.?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 25, 2018 at 4:57 pm

      Hi Anne,

      What was the comment he heard? Because honesy, he sounds like an emotional abuser..

  8. Avatar

    nikki

    February 20, 2018 at 8:54 pm

    i took a stand with my boyfriend last monday because we have hit a pont of where things need to change and if they arent I cant do it this way anymore. i am always a safe spot for him and always here for him but i felt like my love for him was killing me. i told him i could do it anymore and that i wish him the best. whats funny is that my phone died immediately after (confimation) so i think he called and thought he was blocked when my phone was actually dead. so then i placed my phone on do no disturb so he would think he was blocked but i could still see if he was calling. he called fractically the next day…skipped the day after that….called once the day after that and now its day 5 no call. I AM TOTALLY FREAKING OUT?!!!!!i have convince myself he will never call again and its over. but i dont want it to be and it is consuming me.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 24, 2018 at 10:43 pm

      Hi Nikki,

      Do you mean things changed now and you’re ok on going back to him?

  9. Avatar

    Elizabeth

    February 13, 2018 at 12:48 pm

    I’m 6 months pregnant , day 2 of no contact . It’s a struggle to say the least . We were together about 4 years on and off and planned this pregnancy for a while . Things were bumpy for about 3 months then he decided he’d rather be single ,wants the baby to be adopted even though he has other kids . If he doesn’t reach out to inquire about the baby should I try a longer no contact rule

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 17, 2018 at 6:31 pm

      Hi Elizabeth,

      How is he as a father to his other kids? When did you break up? And check this one:
      How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back If You Are Pregnant

  10. Avatar

    abundant smiles

    February 12, 2018 at 2:33 pm

    Truth is no contact isn’t going to the easiest thing to do .Trust me ,I’ve been through the 45 day one and let’s just say it broke me ,but it’s totally worth it I got to put a lot of things in perspective and actually started to live for me (p.s he was my whole life)
    but I’m glad I did finish because I don’t feel obsessed and that actually made my ex boyfriend text me that he misses me and wants to see me and asks why I’m so distant (hahaha no contact was a huge success) it actually works
    ooh and btw font think that by reaching out to him or whatever you’ll feel less pain from the break up….nope it’ll only put you further into emotional turmoil

  11. Avatar

    Rudegirl

    February 7, 2018 at 11:15 am

    My ex and I broke up about 2 months ago. We had been talking a bit as “friends on FB” but I asked him for space to deal with the breakup even though he claims to still love me situation is apparently “too complicated”… Well, I’ve been on NC for 3 days now… and he’s particularly fond of sending me messages saying I am being rude for not answering his nonsense messages in an angry-ish tone… My question is should I be reading his messages and letting them go marked as read. Or just not read them at all… We are still “FB friends” and I am working on bettering myself and becoming that ungettable girl.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 8, 2018 at 6:35 pm

      You already told him you need space. So, he’s the one being rude. It would be better just not to read at all so, you’re not conflicted.

  12. Avatar

    Jess

    January 31, 2018 at 8:04 am

    Hi,

    So my ex and I dated for nearly two years. I know that what went wrong was the accumulation of lots of little things like early on me trying to do everything in my power to be perfect I shut down his attempts to be good to me e.g. oh you’re on your period should I buy you chocolates or something? Me: no I don’t need anything 🙂 thanks for asking though. He stopped asking and stopped trying and that made me insecure. I told him about my insecurities and we tried harder but then I started getting stressed out with work and uni and I would show up at his room every day just to nap. This put a strain on him because he used to get excited when ever I showed up but it turned into a draining thing where he felt bad in his own space for not entertaining me even though I just wanted to be in a room with him and didn’t need entertaining. I stopped being exciting the more I tried to make things up to him. We talked about it and I made sure to have a reason to visit him and asked before coming over but even then we didn’t do much more than watch movies and we ran out of things we both wanted to watch. I could feel that there was an imbalance in the relationship and I made up my mind since I was just sad all the time thinking he didn’t care about me. So I made a final plan. To set up a projector and watch his favourite movie and have snacks we both liked as a start off for planning a special night each week. I didn’t tell him that though which may have been my down fall. I just asked him to come over on a particular night to watch a movie. I met up with him for lunch that day and told him not to forget the movie. He told me he had and had already agreed to a group movie with some of our mutual friends. He said I could come to that though. I was sad about him choosing that over me since he had been gone for two weeks on a camp and we were never the kind of couple that had very many planned things so I had hoped it would have some weight. I agreed to go to the movie but let go of his hand when we were walking to lunch because I was sad and upset and somehow wanted him to know without me telling him (which is silly I know, I just wanted him to decide on his own to choose me). So he didn’t and I went back to work since we were just meeting for my lunch break (I work right next door to him). And then I saw a message from him later in the day “gotta leave now for the movie, not waiting for you” that was while I still had 3 hours of work. That made me upset so I waited until the movie finished and I asked him to go for a walk. He agreed and we walked and I told him I had been feeling bad about the relationship. He said he had been feeling the same. He felt bad because sometimes he didn’t feel excited about seeing me and sometimes he thought about whether he would be better with a different girl (not someone specific just whether I was right for him) and he felt particularly bad because the only flaws he could point out was a chew too loud sometimes and I don’t like to play video games. So we decided to go on a break and talk again in 2 weeks time. So I spent a week resisting the urge to contact him even though I really wanted to and the first thing he sent me after a week on a day I woke up angry and everything had just gone wrong was an article about how hard it is to be the one who loves less. I now realise that was him trying to express his feelings so we could understand each other but I took that as a rejection and so very angry me sent an awful text. I had been looking up solutions to our problem to distract myself from texting him and one of them had said we needed to start fresh. End everything and start again so stupid me put all that in a text with no context and a lot of swearing. F the good times f the bad times, let’s salt the earth so no ghosts can come back this is over. Type thing. I even said we couldn’t be best friends anymore which I really regret because he had been talking about being friends afterwards and that is something I would appreciate now. So I killed it. The hope we had of maybe trying to fix things. His response was that the thing that hurt the most was he thought he was going to marry me and I responded by saying I had never let myself consider that because I had never thought he would. So yea I killed every shred of hope. And then I killed it more by asking him out again the very next day. And then while having a panic attack about what I had done telling him I was cold and broken (over text). So after that I tried leaving him alone. But I couldn’t I am addicted. That was why I couldn’t even last more than a week on break. Everything in my life I want to share with him. But now I can’t. So I have sparodically gone a few days between messaging him. He always responds politely but clearly doesn’t get any joy from it. I gave in and visited his house a week after I broke up with him and we went for a walk and I asked if we could still be friends and he said hanging out with me just makes him think of the break up and makes him scared of me asking him out again and him having to say no. Even after that after a few days I contacted him again and he again replied politely. I know I’m doing all the wrong things. I’ve killed my chances but a big part of me wants someone to just say. It’s alright, there is still hope. But I don’t think there is. I can’t seem to do a no contact period. I’ve also remembered all of the good things that we had and all of the things we could have been. On the bright side though I’m not a big mess anymore, just a little one. I go to work and I kick ass. I have been looking after my plants and trying to distract myself. I got a gym membership and have started going but each of these new and exciting things I want to share with him and that weakens my resolve. I know deep down that doing the no contact will likely not make him contact me. I know he still cares and I believe he still loves me but if I cut him out he is stubborn enough that he would cut me out too. Any advice would be appreciated.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 31, 2018 at 6:03 pm

      Hi Jess

      check this one:
      How To Stay In No Contact

  13. Avatar

    Chloë

    January 28, 2018 at 7:38 am

    Hi,

    My boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago. The main reason is that we had too many discussions. He wasn’t feeling good anymore.
    I’m already working on myself in therapy to improve myself. So I know I can do/be better.
    We still had contact the first month to splitt our stuff, to pay each other and to decide who would take care of the dog.
    We were together for 4 years and lived together for 1,5 year. So it took a while to decide who was keeping what.
    The contact was most of the time fun, we could still laugh together and make jokes together.
    We celebrated new year together with our friends. And the day after I visited him and we had sex… The same day he already apologized to me. Because he noticed my hopes were rising.
    After that we have not seen each other anymore. But we still had contact to ask about the dog. At this moment that’s the only thing he still cares about.
    So he still texts me to ask how to dog is.
    But last month he also texted me one day to tell me about his weekend. (Raised my hopes)
    After that I tried to start to no contact to make him miss me. After 5 days he texted me to ask about the dog. And after 7 days I texted him something random.
    He always answered my texts. We always send a few texts back and forth.
    And at one point I felt we were ready to meet up. So I send him a text to ask to do something together.
    He ignored me since that text. (It’s been a week. )
    He probably doesn’t dare to text me ‘no’.
    So that really hurts. He was the one who said to me the first month after the breakup that he wanted to stay friend. But now he told a friend that I can’t let go and he can.
    I’m afraid I asked it too soon. I just want to become friend again and then get closer and try to get back together.

    So now I wanna do the no contact for real.
    But it’s already killing me when I think about letting him go…
    He’s already moving on. So I’m afraid he will forget about me instead of miss me during NC.
    I’m feeling like doing the NC and moving on is giving up on our relationship. I know he already did, but I didn’t. Because I’m still convinced we belong together and we can do better together.
    I really don’t know what to do at this point.
    I’m still heartbroken and hoping, wishing and praying everyday to get back together.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 31, 2018 at 12:43 am

  14. Avatar

    Melanie

    January 8, 2018 at 9:42 am

    Hello there.
    I really need your help – I’m turning to really desperate.
    My boyfriend who I was with for two years broke up with me after a fight. i was very mean to him and I was very jealous. Two days ago, he texted me when I come and get my things – (we lived together) . He wasn’t there but his mother cleaned his/our apartment. I have always been cleaning, but not the way she did it and she’s been really mean to me saying I can’t clean, that I won’t have a chance with him ….. I’ve lost a lot of weight since a week and I really wanna fight for him. What shall I do? I asked him if he thought about us and he said; he’s more having an opinion of not living together. I’m stuck.
    Please help me.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 9, 2018 at 10:08 pm

      Hi Melanie,
      Did you lose weight because you’re not eating or because you worked out and ate good food? Aside from health, are you improving the wealth and relationships with other people aspects of your life?

  15. Avatar

    WhiteRabbit

    December 26, 2017 at 4:02 am

    Hi Amor,
    No, I do not owe him any money; during no contact he texted he wanted to pay for my registration and insurance on my car, and he wouldn’t waste is time doing this if he didn’t really care about me so if I didn’t contact him to pick up the paperwork I could ‘go f myself’. I broke NC of 10 days to be given a gift, told he wanted to do this for me, and to be told he was sorry for how much he’s hurt me. But he insists we cannot be together because he cannot accept his familiarity to my previous partner. As I mentioned my boyfriend confessed his love after a 5 year friendship and his feelings were undeniably obvious and there have been many grand gestures to express his affections. However, he has always wrestled with being able to trust that I genuinely love him, rather he suspects he is a rebound, or a pawn in a play to make my past partner jealous. He said he cannot help but worry there is always a chance I’d still fool around with him. There is no reason for him to believe this and I suppose only time will prove to him I genuinely fell in love with him. He wants to get over me and move on because he believes we can never be together as he will never overcome this. But aside from this we have never fought, things were always very loving and we were so affectionate and such adoring friends to one another. He was being deliberately cruel and pompous flaunting the fact he was with someone else and making it seem as if he and I had merely fooled around for a few weeks together and nothing more. I used that opportunity to return to no contact rather than respond to his remarks and defend myself. it has been 6 days since returning to NC, but in that frame Amor, he has texted me to let me know he paid for my plates and placed them on my car for me, has offered me additional financial help, and asked me to let him know I got my things back. He has also texted me to apologize for being hateful in a long message he took back the things he had said. But it was still clear he believes we can’t be together. He has also in this 6 day NC texted with a friend of mine, where he was nasty at first, then said he did live me but he will never admit it to me again because he is trying to convince himself he doesn’t and he thought he fooled himself. He mentioned I hadn’t responded to him in days and he had clearly given up on me. He hasn’t contacted me since sending me the apology after speaking to her. In this message he told me the only way for me to move on is for him to never see me or speak to me again, he was sorry for how he hurt me, and that I was his ‘inner happiness’ and said goodbye .
    I’m extremely uncomfortable because I fear he has truly given up and let go of me because I refused his help and ignored him when he was offering to do things to show he cared. But I don’t want favors Amor, I want him. And I know he does love me according to what I’ve seen and heard .. Does a situation with a breakup on this basis call for something else? Will NC be effective for a situation like this? We deeply love and care for each other but he does not trust my feelings are genuine .. And trust is everything. Can he outgrow this thinking, can a man overcome something that I feel is immature and petty ( after all, he has an ex too, with children, who cares??) as ‘I used to be friends with him I just can’t accept it’ . Also Amor, please note, the ‘used to’; he hates him. At one point he took me on a trip and while holding my hand he told me he learned to accept that and was not wrestling with it anymore. But he brought it up a few more times and then just let go. And although he did reach out after 10 days of NC to see me in person he said it was the last time we’d ever see each other while repeatedly saying he missed me so much. And copious apologies for how much he’s hurt me. He went over things I thought he never noticed. It was obvious he’d been thinking. As he said it to my friend and to me again during my NC, I fear it may be true. I cannot let go of him. We confessed never having a friend easier to talk to or be with than each other, we were very comfortable and at peace around each other, we were wildly passionate together and there were so many long, loving gazes each time we were together. It’s impossible for me to believe he would give up something he confessed he had wanted and thought could never be his own. I know that in the time we’ve been romantically involved, my circumstances have changed as I’m in court with the prior partner to settle custody arrangements ( my boyfriend wanted this done much sooner to feel better about us but the process of going to court is beyond my control) and I had to take the semester off from nursing school because of all the problems this created. My boyfriend undoubtedly was more attracted to me when I was so busy with school rather than struggling to get back on my feet after closing the books on my prior relationship. And I can see where I’d appear needy and desperate now, which is why I absolutely did NOT want him to pay for anything to help me – and reinforce my neediness. I am sticking to NC but I’m deeply saddened and anxious about how to handle this correctly as I seem to do everything wrong Amor. I’m about to start a new job, school starts again in a week, I went back to the blonde hair he was crazy about, so I’m improving with great strides.. But my fear is, he will never see them, because he will never contact me again. I hope I’ve clarified myself better, as I don’t feel he’s abusive at all; he’s never even called me a bad name in his life – but he can be mean and cruel and cut very deep when he wants. I did get an apology though..but you see Amor, it came with a ‘goodbye forever’ message. Thanks for taking the time to help with your insight and expertise, this is the most special person I have ever known, and losing someone this close to me is so confusing and so painful.. This can’t be a good enough reason for a man to give up on the woman he said is everything he ever wanted, his soul mate, first real experience of being truly in love ..

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 27, 2017 at 10:25 pm

      Improve for yourself not for a guy.. I still advise that you move on from him..

  16. Avatar

    WhiteRabbit

    December 21, 2017 at 10:07 pm

    I need advice, urgently. My boyfriend broke up with me claiming he cannot / will not ever be able to accept I had a previous relationship with someone he grew up with.. and this was 6 months of hot and heavy, extremely emotional , intense romance with no fights – with MY BEST FRIEND. yes – we have known each other five years, friends first, then confessed our mutual undying crushes and off we went til the intensity really began to make him push/pull/ disappear and start having doubts..
    Long story short he devastated me by announcing he gave up on us and somehow overnight (?) got a girlfriend to replace me too.. I initiated no contact ten days , but he contacted me asking to deliver my daughter’s Christmas gift. At that time he repeatedly stopped himself from talking to look away and sigh ‘I really miss you ‘ between his insistences he was sorry but he’d never feel safe with me ( believing I could either fool around with my ex or use him to make my ex jealous ) .. Then told me he intended to get the tags and insurance on my car. I didn’t want the help from him at all – I want nothing from him but respect and consideration – better than THIS – but there is no denying I need it or I won’t be able to go back to school. I had to accept the help – with comments that were downright insulting – him claiming he never really loved me, exaggerating how long we’d been together, being cocky and downright cruel knowing I was still reeling from the shock of seeing a girl texting him and being told there was already someone else .. I can hardly breathe …
    Well I have Immediately resumed no contact even with my license and paperwork in his possession – I realized he was doing this to alleviate his guilt and bad karma, not as a thoughtful gesture – and used that revelation as my opportunity to stand up for myself and go silent. Indeed if he believes he wants me out of his life I shall oblige him It’s been three days on attempt to of NC and he’s been texting me about getting my tags and giving me updates regarding this and nothing else. However a few hours ago he offered me more help. He has a small project for me related to his business that would help me pay some bills – but I don’t want his help. After all, getting to a low point is no doubt what killed his attraction and he has to see me as needy and dependent – why would I want to enable him to reinforce this negative image of me?? But then again – he gets so angry if I refuse his help – I only accepted the offer for the tag because he said if I didn’t answer and acknowledge he cared or he wouldn’t bother to do this that I could go screw myself ?.. I didn’t want to accept anything under such terms but the standard advice rarely applies as this was a friend that confessed he’s loved me for five years – wanting to get me away from my abuser – now that I’m free he somehow views the situation I ran from as a threat to him; Something that entices me to return .. It’s preposterous . Anyway – I don’t want to make a mistake here. Do I accept the help and acknowledge his gesture “demonstrating that he does care about me” or do I continue to ignore him ( after all – if I accept the help – I would do so failing to defend myself or respond to all the horrible , deliberately hurtful things he has been saying and I want to stand my ground and demonstrate I won’t tolerate that from him – or any of this from him – not for anything.) please help.. Respond or keep silent ?? I am still very much in love with him but he has betrayed me – there must be consequences even if I am to suffer to make my point…

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 25, 2017 at 9:45 pm

      Sorry, correct me if I’m wrong. You owe him for paying up for the tags and insurance of your car? If yes, find a way to negotiate with him that you will pay up for in due time, get a witness, and better if it’s in writing and don’t accept help from him anymore and move on.. He’s abusive..

  17. Avatar

    Terra

    December 19, 2017 at 8:48 am

    I’m on 19 days of no contact and my ex hasn’t contacted me..there are alot of rumors in college that he is seeing a junior..
    I know this girl and he and she were friends from earlier..we had spoken about her after the breakup and before I started no contact and he said he didn’t like her..I want to believe him…bt they spend too much time together…n with all the rumors and seeing them all the time…I can’t control my emotions..
    We we’re together for 6 years..I want to believe he won’t lie to me..
    Please help me

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 20, 2017 at 8:53 pm

      Hi Terra,

      You had 6 years, so that’s not easy to forget but right now, the more important thing is you keep improving yourself and maintaining your new routine.. Make him regret through your improvements.

  18. Avatar

    Terra

    December 19, 2017 at 8:43 am

    I’m on my 19th day of no contact and my ex hasn’t contacted me at all…we are classmates n I see him everyday.. bt he totally ignores me n I ignore him…
    Lately people have been talking and saying that he is dating a junior..i know the girl and we were all friends from earlier. He spends alot of time with her..we had talked about it before I started no contact n he had told me he wasn’t into her and that all the rumors going round college were bad n it seemed like he could not even have female friends. I believed him at that point of time..but lately they have been spending too much time together..I want to believe him when he says he does not like her…I mean we were together for 6 years n I do trust him..
    But all the rumors and seeing them together is killing me

  19. Avatar

    Katia

    December 14, 2017 at 4:05 pm

    My boyfriend broke up with me a week ago. We were together for a year and he had just given me a promise a ring for our anniversary. He said we broke up because he has a lot of things going on that he wants to fix and also because he said he wants what’s best for me and all he will do is bring me down because I actually have a path for greatness and he doesn’t. I love him so very much. Me and him have a bond, a connection that I have not had with anyone else and he feels it too. I miss the way he would look at me, his sillyness, his hugs and not wanting to let go, his kisses, I just miss him. When he broke up with me I begged him to stay promising I will change but he said it was over. He later said maybe we can try again in the future but for now we are over. He finally said he needs time to think whether or not we should get together but he can’t make any promises. I have started the no contact rule and yes it is killing me. I know now what went wrong in the relationship and I just want to fix it and show him how much I love him. He offered to stay friends but I rejected it because I want him to be with me as a couple not friends. He hasn’t contacted me again but I saw him at school and he smiles at me and I couldn’t help but smile back. I want him back so bad but I don’t know how to do it. I am really close to breaking the no contact rule to text him but I know I shouldn’t. I am also scared he might lose feelings or the no contact will work backwards and he wont want me back. Please help me.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 15, 2017 at 4:56 pm

  20. Avatar

    Renee needs help

    December 13, 2017 at 12:37 am

    I had lied to my ex telling him i was at one place and i wasn’t now since he had issues with me couldn’t really figure he wanted to move on some weeks it’ll b hot some weeks it’ll b cold just had me all confused so i started to approach him about it but it seem like the more distant he became it drove me crazy unanswered text he’ll text when he wanted went from 4 calls a day to mAybe one we got into it one day after are phone convo i just didn’t call him for about 3 days no contact i broke i end up texting him We talked like happened then i try the next day same result but i Text him have a gd night at work usually he’ll text back but nothing, i must admit i was hurt said I’ll NC i started over mAybe a day in i text him again asking him how can he act like i don’t exist he tells me ( he can say the same to me )which made no sense to me he finally just text he can’t do this cause your mind isn’t in the right place (which confuses me I was all on him )i started spilling my heart via text and no reply i left him alone back to NC so 2 days into that he texts again laughing (lol) hours lata i asked wats funny he said he”ll call me he did we talked about he’s acting wack cause me lying was wack this the cards he was dealt all i seem myself doing was spilling my heart again and all he can tell me we will see moving forward it I’m thinking ok we get somewhere Convo ended well he told me to text him in the morning so i did he replies two hours later and then leaves disappeared so i just left it that
    way back to NC a week later he texts me about fb saying (oh we’re no longer fb friends i can log in ) my page is deactivated but i ignored the text few hours later he texts now I’m back to my regular settings i guess he was tryna b rude to get my attention. I text back wateva he starts with a series of questions how’s ur new man? Or old ? You like him ? Hope you learned ya lesson lying ? I told him never that serious he calls he’s self telling me i only care about clothes and how i look to him telling me if it wasn’t snowing he woulda told me to come see him to me replying and him disappearing again. …. Please help please wats he’s deal ????what should i do

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 13, 2017 at 1:15 am

      Hi Renee,
      Restart the count, stick to at least 30 days because the more you restart it, the less it can help you..

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