Today we’re going to talk about why giving your ex space works.
Mostly, when people hear about our concept of giving an ex ‘space’ and how that can make them want to come back to you, they immediately assume we’re talking about the no contact rule, and it’s easy to understand why.
The no contact rule is a period of time where you are ignoring your ex on purpose, essentially making it the ultimate form of giving an ex ‘space.’
However, what if we told you there’s actually a different reason why giving an ex ‘space’ works?
To understand that, we need to give you a primer on attachment styles.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizUnderstanding Attachment Styles
For years, people in our private Facebook support group have been telling us that we need to look into attachment styles and study them.
Even though it took us a while, when we actually got down to analyzing and understanding attachment styles, it was like a series of light bulbs going off.
So, what are attachment styles?
We have always viewed attachment styles as ‘a quick cheat sheet to understand how we react to conflict in relationships.’
In simpler terms, our upbringing, our experiences growing up, our parents, our childhood all inform our attachment style. It basically means how we are going to handle relationships in general.
To broaden it out, there are four main attachment styles that we’re going to discuss, and we promise you that if you understand these attachment styles, it will help you understand why giving your ex ‘space’ is so important.
So, what are the four attachment styles?
We’ve found that the four major attachment styles are
- Anxious
- Avoidant
- Fearful
- Secure
Let’s discuss them one by one and find which one best suits your situation.
Anxious Attachment Style
People who are anxious show an excessive worry about the closeness of their relationships.
They always seem to be afraid that the relationship won’t last, or their partner will be unfaithful, or that they will somehow reject them in one way or the other.
A lot of our clients tend to exhibit anxious tendencies.
They are the type of people that will blow their ex’s phone up after a breakup, which is the opposite of giving space.
This is because they want to fix things so desperately and immediately that they don’t care to give their ex time to process any emotions.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThey arguably care about relationships more than any other attachment style, which weirdly makes them cool. Still, in another way, people can categorize them as ‘too much” which turns all the other attachment styles off.
The problem with this is that this anxious behavior is the exact opposite of the people they’re trying to choose, attract, or get back.
The most common conflict arises between the two polar opposite attachment styles – anxious and avoidant. It usually becomes a battle between someone striving for an extreme level of intimacy and emotional vulnerability vs. someone who is very attached to the idea of their independence and personal space.
Avoidant Attachment Style
The calling card with avoidant attachment styles is the lack of intimacy.
They’ll either avoid it altogether or keep their partners at a distance.
This is an important one since most exes tend to be avoidant, so keep your eyes open for this one.
A lot of people think that someone with an avoidant attachment style will avoid relationships altogether, but this is not true. They do form relationships; however, they find ways of staying distant within the confines of a relationship.
You see this a lot when it comes to expressing emotions or dealing with conflict. They are likely to withdraw or simply avoid deep conversations or emotionally vulnerable situations. We have found that a lot of our clients tend to be anxious, and a lot of their exes tend to be avoidant, so you can imagine the volatile cocktail this partnering turns into.
You have one person who cares way too much about the relationship, and on the other hand, you have a person who wants a relationship, but they are scared of intimacy or being emotionally close to someone, which results in a breakup. Hence the existence of this website.
This doesn’t mean that all our clients are anxious and all their exes are avoidant; it’s just the most common trend we see.
Fearful Attachment Style
After the first two, we have the fearful attachment style. The fearful attachment is a weird combination between the anxious and the avoidant attachment styles. We think that when people say their ex is ‘fearful,’ they don’t fully understand what they’re talking about.
We are not professional psychologists who can simply diagnose what attachment style your ex inhibits, but we can observe their behaviors and make an educated guess. So, here’s what we know about fearful attachment styles.
Only 7% of the entire population has a fearful attachment style, so they are extremely rare.
To simplify – there is a 93% chance that your ex does not have a fearful attachment style.
So, what do fearful attachment styles do?
As mentioned before, their behaviors are a combination of the worst parts of an anxious attachment style and an avoidant attachment style. This means that one minute they will be so in your face about getting things done or fixing the relationship, but the next minute they’ll want nothing to do with you.
They’ll randomly start ignoring you, which leaves you confused and struggling to understand why your ex is exhibiting such ‘crazy’ behavior with a mix of hot and cold signs.
Secure Attachment Style
Finally, we have the secure attachment style, which can be equated to the holy grail of attachment styles. Secure individuals will show a healthy balance of healthy attachment behavior on the one hand and healthy exploratory behaviors on the other hand in intimate relationships.
They are comfortable with closeness and mutual dependency. People with secure attachment styles actively seek emotional support from their partners and can actively initiate and give emotional support to their partners. They are also comfortable being alone.
The ultimate goal of any relationship should be for both parties to work towards a secure attachment style. Now, this is where the ‘space’ aspect comes into play.
Anxious vs. Avoidant Attachment Styles
As we mentioned at the beginning of this piece, we believe that a lot of our clients seem to be turning their exes off because of their anxious behavior.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWe also believe that a lot of their exes seem to have avoidant tendencies. So, if we operate under the assumption that your ex is exhibiting avoidant tendencies then our understanding of why space is so effective becomes clearer.
The key to tackling avoidants is to understand how long it takes them to miss you and why. Avoidants have an entirely different approach to missing exes than other attachment styles.
Avoidants don’t give themselves permission to long for or miss someone until it’s clear that that person is done and has moved on. In other words, constantly texting them or NOT giving them space causes them to avoid you and withdraw from you even more.
However, if you take the opposite approach and actually give them space, something interesting happens.
For this to work, you have to be patient, which is a struggle for anxious people. However, if you are patient, avoidant attachment styles will begin to long and miss you.
An avoidant style person is only going to miss you, long for you, or romanticize the past breakup if they think there is no chance the two of you will ever get back together.
That is the only time that they will give themselves permission to begin missing you. This helpfully explains how space can be an effective method for gaining avoidant exes back.
As mentioned in previous examples, the conflict and turmoil between the anxious and avoidant types are inevitable. That’s why we think it is essential that one entity grows towards a secure attachment style sooner rather than later. It is pivotal that one person in the relationship is working towards or has achieved a secure attachment style for it to work out.
When this is not the case, space is an essential tool that you will need to optimize to make sure that you are doing what is required. You cannot control when your significant other grows towards the secure attachment style, but you can work towards it independently.
Let’s break it down to simplify what approach you need to take.
If you are exhibiting anxious behaviors such as constantly pestering your ex for a response, trying to fix things, or begging for them back, you won’t get far.
These acts do not work, especially if there are avoidant tendencies within your ex, because it turns them off and causes them to withdraw.
They do not want that level of closeness or intimacy because they are currently incapable of properly receiving or giving it back, so their best course of action is getting distant or, in severe cases, blocking or ghosting you. Basically, they want nothing to do with you.
They will only give themselves permission to miss you or long for you when enough time has gone by, and more importantly, when they think you have started to or have actually moved on. So, how do you handle this situation?
Our team has started to talk about an interesting concept. Although it is not necessarily original, it is something that we are trying to coin as original and finetune as is pivotal for you to handle this situation.
The Gravity Of Secure Attachment And Space
We believe that there is a fundamental gravity between secure attachment styles and all other insecure attachment styles.
It can be easily explained by thinking of an avoidant personality getting into a relationship with a secure personality.
That secure person will draw the avoidant more towards secure behaviors because they are okay with being alone.
They are okay with giving their partner space.
The avoidant personality appreciates that space as they feel that they can retain their independence.
The same pattern can be witnessed in the pairing of a secure person and an anxious person. A secure person will be okay with being vulnerable in a relationship, giving the anxious person what they need in the relationship, and setting a clear boundary regarding when things are not normal.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizSecure people, unlike avoidants, communicate this in a nice way which leads to the anxious person exhibiting more secure tendencies.
Most of the time, all our efforts focus on these odd ways of trying to help you exhibit more secure tendencies.
One of the reasons we implement the space aspect using the no-contact rule is to help you with this.
Not only can it help your ex miss you or long for you simply by giving them space, but it can also help you give yourself enough time to heal and become a more secure personality, helping you obtain that gravity that pulls your ex towards you.
Conclusion:
We know that this piece was more technical than the others, which turns most people off, but the gravity of the topic required it to be explained technically.
- If you want to learn more about why space works and why giving your ex-space can be effective; you need to understand the psychology of what goes behind that.
- It is highly likely that your ex has an avoidant attachment style and therefore, they will not give themselves permission to miss you unless they feel like you have moved on.
- Therefore giving them space and developing a secure attachment style is your best bet at getting them back. We encourage you to research this all on your own, too, for the best results.
- A great place to start is our website because we have published several articles about interactions and dynamics between different attachment styles.
Melissa
October 31, 2022 at 12:47 pm
Me nd my Boifriend we’re together for 3 1/2 months
He broke up w me nd was Done done
Then I mentioned what if I come back in a month or two nd try Again? He said he was opposed to trying again.
Well I moved back to the state I was in prior to me moving in.
We txtd nd he Said we were not together anymore but we could talk about trying agin nd how I need to respect this Break nd he Would txt me when he was ready. It’s been 2 weeks since we talked.
He had said like please just give me a little break then We can talk.
Does it sound like he wants to get back together?
Coach Shaunna Nicol
January 1, 2023 at 9:14 pm
Hi Melissa, it sounds as if he has high emotions right now and has been honest telling you that he needed a break from you for a while, spend some time working on yourself and do not reach out to your ex for at least 30 days
Teresa
October 3, 2021 at 3:53 am
My now ex just ended our relationship today. I’m reading everything on this site and I would love to have faith that this could work but I think he is the exception to any of you guide. He’s not a jealous person never has been. The no contact rule wouldn’t work for because he regularly would go days sometimes up to over a week without speaking to me when we were together and he said he didn’t miss me so doing that now wouldn’t make any difference. He’s walked away from countless ex girlfriends and never gone back to them. We were together 4 years and as much as I would love for him to come back it will never happen. There is loads of great advice on here and if my ex was a typical man maybe I would have stood a chance in getting him back but it’s just not the case. All I can do is try and work on myself
Hetvi
September 13, 2021 at 10:04 pm
My ex and I recently broke up. The last month or so he started getting very distant and asking me and more and more to leave him alone so he can have me time. (He told me he’s miserable at work and with life). He told me there were a few times I invaded his boundaries and he started getting bothered by very little things such as if I texted him too much, etc. He then asked me for space and said he needed this if I wanted it to work out and he’s hanging out right now but he does not have the same feelings he did before. The first week of his “space” he let me see him a few times and the last time I saw him he suggest we just be friends or friends with benefits right now because he is not ready for more but he still enjoys my company and seeing me. He told me he doesn’t know what’s gonna happen down the line and just said right now he’s feelings or not the same and he doesn’t feel the spark. I initiated the no contact because as much as I love seeing him I want us to get back together. I made many mistakes by invading his personal space due to my own issues with anxiety and I believe that is what pushed him away. I am not sure what to do because I have a feeling if I get back to the best version of myself I can show him that things are different and I’m the same girl he fell for and we can re ignite the spark. Any advice I’m very heartbroken and in shock it came to this point and I’m not sure how to win him back.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 23, 2021 at 5:20 pm
Hey Hetvi, I would say that your ex just needs some headspace more than anything. Be sure to follow the NC rule and work on yourself in that time. This article would be useful to you too…
https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/what-to-do-when-he-says-he-needs-space/
Ellie
September 13, 2021 at 5:42 pm
So my boyfriend of 5 years has out of the blue decided he can’t do this anymore and he needs space or a break. I don’t believe in breaks so it was hard for me to process, he’s going through a lot in his life at the moment and j feel I’m the one being punished for it. Haven’t seen him in 2 weeks and spoken a fair bit in between. I’ve been reading your advice and said I can give you as much space as you need and he’s been the one reaching out to me now, I feel positive because I’m getting mixed signals. He keeps saying I can’t do this not I don’t want to do this which gives me hope. We’re meeting up this week as a mutual meeting we both agreed on. I really want this to work but not talking to him gives me great anxiety but I want to make this work. What can I do??
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 23, 2021 at 5:21 pm
Hi Ellie, you need to work on yourself and follow a No Contact period, this article could also be useful to you.
https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/what-to-do-when-he-says-he-needs-space/
Piper
August 20, 2021 at 3:18 pm
My boyfriend and I dated for only a few months but we’ve been friends for like 10 years . He recently spent 5 years in jail and a month after he got out he found me and we started hangin out then eventually started dating . After a few months he just stopped coming around , he would still talk to me , sometimes he was short , sometimes he was all about me . He said it’s too overwhelming for him after not being in a relationship for 5 years , then he said I was bipolar , then he said there was no communication. After week 3 of not seeing him I broke it off . I don’t know what to do . He has me so confused because of his confusion . What do I do ?
Ellie
August 3, 2021 at 12:47 pm
My ex and I split up around 2 1/2 months ago now. We dated for around a 1 1/2 years. He became distant and just didn’t want to be together and that was that. I’ve mistakenly tried to change his mind at the beginning of the break up. So far we’ve been 2 1/2 weeks NC. Do I stand any chance of getting him back
Kitcat
August 2, 2021 at 1:41 pm
It’s been just over a week of space and no contact. He watches all my Instagram stories and also said we both just need time to heal and have space. Also he opened up to me recently about why he acts the way he does and for some reason the next day I sabotaged it all by looking at his instagram and seeing one of his friends had a sexy page go up and it looked like he added it freshly to his page.
Now to give you some background of me I have been severely cheated on several times by past serious relationships. And this guy I’m dating doesn’t like any of my posts on Instagram and doesn’t liked to be tagged. He says it’s because he doesn’t like the way he looks and doesn’t want his family and friends to know who he’s dating.
He deleted tinder straight away to when we first got together. He wasn’t initiating dates / calls and it felt like mixed messages though he was initiating txts.
I am way down on his priority list due to demanding work and he has kids on and off.
We had a few amazing dates just the red flags in between and the lack of communication sometimes.
I need to work on my trust issues and he has issues from a toxic marriage he was in and we both have anxiety and self esteem issues.
Anyways the current situation is that he’s asked for space not sure for how long ( all this happened in the last 3 months) all my friends say get rid of him. I just really like him and when we are on dates it’s lovely.
I’ve learnt I have an anxious attachment and he is avoidant and secure.
I’m not sleeping right my heart Resting heart rate gone up. I’m trying to get busy and act like it’s over. Signed up for burlesque classes and doing a course to start my own business. Yet I still obsess and miss him and see him watch my Instagram stories everyday and gives me the tinder pang of hope.
If he was to ask me to date again I’d try my best to let him chase abs discuss and anxiety I’m having and try keep it light and fluffy.
Katie
August 2, 2021 at 7:16 am
Hi,
My boyfriend wanted to break up because he is having problems with his mental health. I didn’t want to so I told him I’d give him space instead. He tells me that it was not my fault and that he needed time to process things. I bombarded him with messages the day he told me that we should break up because he just suddenly decided on his own. Now, I only messaged once, telling him that I hope he is feeling better and such. I plan not to message him for about two weeks but it’s really been hard for me. It is devastating not talking to him and I miss him so much.
LS
August 1, 2021 at 10:06 am
I’ve been with a guy just over a year. I felt things were going well. We both have very busy lives with kids and work etc. We don’t fight, we get on well. We have stuff in common and have fun.
He’s now 2 years out of an 18 year marriage. She’s given him hassle over maintenance ever since so he’s not been fully cut from her. He’s also unhappy with work and his relationship with his son isn’t great.
He told me a few days ago he couldn’t give me the relationship I deserve and it would be unfair to continue. Then he asked for time to think and breathe because he feels like he’s drowning.
I’m gutted and I love him but I’m determined not to chase him. Just want him to realise he’s stressed with everything outside of ‘me and him’ and that breaking up with me isn’t going to resolve all his other issues. I just worry he won’t come back
Michelle Stander
June 27, 2021 at 7:15 am
Hey, so my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years, and he left me the day before my birthday, pretty sad, its been 1 week now since we broke up, i feel completely terrible…
We broke up because we fought alot…
I didn’t get along with his parents alot…
I have depression…
And so much more… So basically he is tired of everything going on, and he said he needs to fokus on himself, and only God knows what the future has in store for us… My thing is, i really love this guy and i dont want to loose him, i just want him back, so he said to me i must give him his space… But I’m struggling… I really want him back in my life,
L
June 11, 2021 at 12:24 pm
Hi there,
My boyfriend and I have been long distanced (he lives in Toronto and I live in Philadelphia). We’ve been dating for 2 and a half years, the second year, being in the pandemic. We haven’t seen each other for this time and have been planning on seeing each other in July.
The other night he texted me a long list of reasons he thinks we need to move on, we’re chasing a fantasy, he can’t wait years for me to move up. It completely blindsided me as I have been applying and interviewing for jobs and the plan was for me to move summer 2022.
I sent a note the next day addressing all of his points as I feel these are all things we’re addressing. He responds and admits that for the past month he has been hiding a potential cancer diagnosis. He has been so sick from the stress and anxiety of that and told me he can’t focus on me or our relationship right now. Which is valid! But, I also don’t think it’s a reason for a break up as I expressed I would take a leave and come up and that I want to be supportive.
He asked me to respect his wishes for now. So I am giving him space but I have this fixation on wanting him to know that I want to be there. I just feel like I’m in uncharted territory as the potential diagnosis seems to be the catalyst in him wanting space.
Kaira
April 22, 2021 at 6:07 pm
I am in a realtionship for more than 3 years and everything is perfect but suddenly, everything changes,he started ignoring me and my brother told me to give him space, and I am the only one who chase after him wherever we fought.I don’t know what to do exactly?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 24, 2021 at 1:36 pm
Hi Kaira, you need to give him some space just as your brother said stick with the 30 days plan to see if he gets in touch before now.
Sally
March 29, 2021 at 11:46 am
Hi
My boyfriend asked for space and time for himself. I’m not 100% sure if it’s a full break up or not. We dated two years and it was hard for both of us to hear this. I know that we had some arguments but I realize now looking outside of the relationship that those can be fixed. It’s been a week and we haven’t contacted. I’m confused. I want to express my apologies for what went wrong and really let him know I’m sorry and what I’m doing to fix it. I’m determined to prove that we can be better than what we were before. Is it okay to reach out and talk to him about this? Or will I just be pushing him away?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 21, 2021 at 8:41 pm
Hi Sally, I would suggest that you allow him 10 days of silence then reach out – determine if you are broken up or not. If he ends things with you, then you follow a no contact for 30 days without giving him any reaction at all. Just tell him you agree and then start your NC immediately.
Dee
March 15, 2021 at 5:45 pm
My bf of 2 1/2 years had an argument in Friday, as his sister and mum have decided to break lockdown rules and meet up on mothers day. He lives with his mum and told her it wasn’t a good idea as she has an operation soon. I got angry as he still went along with it. We have only ever had 3 rows in our relationship and all 3 have been to do with them breaking lockdown rules. We’ve been in a supper bubble as I live on my own and his Mum’s made comments, rolled her eyes and tutted if he says he’s coming to see me (which at most is once a week atm). His final message to me was that I could still see my daughter mothers day, as he’d been good and she wouldn’t be at risk, then he said ‘think we need a bit of time anyway he. I’ve had enough for now’. I replied agreeing with him. He’s now not text me for 3 days and it hurts. This is a man who when I asked him if he loved me, said he couldn’t say he didn’t as he does have feelings but he’s thought he was in love before and those break ups weren’t the wrench they should’ve been. So I’m here not knowing how he feels but giving him space
Lucy ly
March 10, 2021 at 4:49 pm
I just gave my boyfriend nearly 2 weeks space because he said he need alone time to cheering himself up and I feel so painful and insecure about it. Whether He still love me or not. I had questioned my self doesn’t he have met other girl ? Or doesn’t he friend said anything about my relationship with him ? Because before one day of said he need space we still on call and talk sweet which each other than after evening he said he wanna hang out at his friend house. So after that day morning he suddenly becomes like that. He doesn’t want to reply or contact back to me and haven’t seen my text for week now after he want space. And it been a while we no contact each other but we still in relationship. Should i text him “ How have u been Bae?” “ When will u come back?”
Or Should i keep being silent for other 1 ? weeks ?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 28, 2021 at 10:37 am
Hi Lucy, if you are not broken up then you need to reach out and see where you stand, before you can follow the program properly
Aish
February 24, 2021 at 9:59 am
Hi
I have a lot of insecurities. I get severe anxiety when my boyfriend goes out with his friends drinking or anywhere really. I feel like he’ll do things that he shouldn’t be or that he’ll find someone else. All this is based on the fact that I’ve suffered with 2 of my past relationships where I was hurt and cheated on and lied to. This man that I’m with is wonderful and hasn’t done anything to me. Yet I have these fears that I have thrown onto him. Now he feels suffocated and asked to take a break. We are engaged and we’re planning to be married this year. He told me he’ll wait for as long as it takes for me to fix my issues and go back to him. But I don’t know where to start or how to show him if and when I have changed. My heart aches not having him to talk to as much. Please advice me.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 7, 2021 at 5:49 pm
Hi Aish, this is understandable where the worries come from – however you are going to have to do some work on your self-esteem as right not you are punishing you boyfriend for things your exes did. You sole focus needs to be on your self esteem and understanding that if he wanted to be with someone else he would – he is choosing to be with you.
Aish
February 24, 2021 at 9:51 am
Hi,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 2 years and he even proposed to me. We were planning to be married by this year end. Our families like eachother as well. However, a few days back we got into a big fight where he told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore. He feels that I’m overly possessive and have insecurities that stem from my previous relationships. And I will tell you that that is in fact true. I do get scared and suffer from severe anxiety even thinking about him going out drinking with his friends where he could meet another girl, cheat on me, etc. this has happened to me in 2 of my past relationships where I was unaware for a long time. Anyways, now my boyfriend feels suffocated and wants freedom and space. He doesn’t talk to me the way he used to. We’re not technically together as he said I need to fix my issues and not manifest it on him. He said he’d be there in the end. But I’m scared. I don’t know how to do this or fix things. My heart aches. Please give me some advice.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 17, 2021 at 9:36 pm
Hi Aish, so this means that you need to stick with a no contact and work on yourself in that time, you need to also take a step back and think about his words, are you overly possessive? Or do you show insecure attachment at all?
Cay
February 22, 2021 at 6:46 pm
Dear ExBoyfriend Recovery,
My boyfriend and I dated for 5 years and then he suddenly broke up with me via email. I was shocked and heartbroken! After he broke up with me, I gnatted him and then he asked for me to not text or email him. I immediately stopped all contact with him.
It has been 31 days of NC since then. Yesterday, he texted me this message, “Heard that Meagan (my daughter) was in a serious car accident. So sorry to hear that. Hope she is doing better.” Because it had been 30 days, I texted back a simple “Thank you” and that “she is doing better”. I did not follow-up yesterday with any additional text messages asking him how he was doing, or anything else.
My question for you is, do I wait another 15 days?? Do a send a text in a few days??
Do I do nothing?
I am not sure what to do at this point.
Thank you.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 9, 2021 at 9:54 pm
If you are still looking to get him back then I would suggest that you reach out with a text that Chris suggests in 14 days from when you last spoke
Katie
February 17, 2021 at 6:21 pm
Hi!
My boyfriend brokeup with me because of a few horridly nasty things I said to him over FaceTime. He said he needed space and said this is a final breakup. But then he also said that deep down in his heart he thinks him and me will see each other again. I don’t know if I should text him after a week to just check up on him? Or should I let him text me first? I don’t know if I should move on. I currently find myself in a limbo and just want to know if there is any chance him and me would get back together. Hence why I want to text him and explain or just talk things through.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 19, 2021 at 12:28 pm
Hi Katie, I know things are said in the heat of the moment, but when it is repeated it takes it toll on a relationship. I would suggest that you take a no contact period of 30 days and leave your ex alone for a little while. Give this article a read and it may help you understand whats going on with your ex – https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/blog/
Kellie Hamilton
January 31, 2021 at 3:31 am
My boyfriend and I broke up after 4 years and didn’t speak for a week. I don’t like giving him space because I feel like I will get to where I want to be in life and not want a relationship anymore. Right now,I’m angry because I feel blind sided and confused. I’ve been doing everything to keep him off of my mind because we both need time to grow amd become better people because we did plan on getting a house (already purchased),getting married and having kids. Now my mind has done a 360 and I’m neutral about all of it because I feel like 4 years was a waste of time. I will leave him and if we end up together but much better than before (which is what I want) then that’s fine. The thing I need to get over is how long because it makes things seem like it’ll never happen