By Sarah Drees

I had this friend back in college. Her boyfriend at the time told her he needed space.

So, she did something that I thought was absolutely ludicrous at the time. She looked him dead in the eye and said,

“Okay. Have all the space you need.”

and walked away.

My jaw hit the floor when she told me.

“You did what?!”

Less than 36 hours after that she gets a call,

“Baby, I was wrong! Please don’t leave me!”

What was this magic she had spun?

Somehow, she had convinced the man who was clearly preparing to leave her that, instead, she was leaving him.

It was genius!

It was impossible!

Wasn’t it?

Well… obviously not.

If you’ve arrived at this article, I’m going to guess that you likely fall into one of the below categories:

  1. Your boyfriend asked you to give him space and you think he might break up with you
  2. Your boyfriend broke up with you, you gnatted him and then he asked for space
  3. You’re trying out or thinking about trying out the No Contact Rule and are afraid that if you give your ex-boyfriend space, that he might not come back

Fear not! We are going to tackle the art of giving him “space” in-depth so you will leave here feeling confident that giving your boyfriend or ex-boyfriend space is nowhere near as scary as it seems and you may even find that you enjoy having the space.

But first, let’s talk about a few things:

  • What it means to give someone space
  • Some of the reasons why a guy might ask for space in the first place
  • And what to do if your boyfriend or ex-boyfriend asks for space

What is Space?

As I was preparing to write this article I literally wrote down on a piece of paper “What is Space?” This led me to several deeper thoughts such as “what is space,” “what is time,” “what is life.”

Wow, that got deep and scary fast. Once I got past those flashbacks from philosophy 101 and I was done questioning the meaning of my existence, I came up with the following:

Space is something that a person may need to disconnect and “refresh” in order to allow themselves to think about certain things and reflect upon something weighing on their mind.

I wrote the definitive eBook about giving people space, “The No Contact Rule Book.  Go pick up a copy!

More simply and bluntly put, he is looking to be left alone for a while.

For purposes of this article, we are going to roll with this understanding.

Before we move on, some of you are probably wondering “well, what if he didn’t say he needed space, but he said that he needed time? That is totally different right?” Well no, not really. For purposes of EBR and this article, think of a guy asking for space and a guy asking for time to be pretty much the same thing. He is looking to be left alone for a while.

Why Did He Ask For Space?

There are a number of specific reasons a guy may ask for space:

  • He’s really busy
  • He has a lot of stress from him family, school, work, etc. right now
  • He’s tired of arguing
  • He’s confused
  • He’s trying to regain control
  • etc.

The list really can go on and on and on. I would encourage you to try not and dwell on finding a specific reason why he may have asked for space, especially, if things seemed like they were going well before he asked for space. If you know why he asked for space because he told you; great! If not, try not to over-analyze it.

The important thing to understand, is that when guys get overwhelmed, they handle their emotions differently than women. As women, we tend to seek out friends and family for support or to vent to. Guys typically do not do this. Men are more likely to bottle things up inside.

Because of this, guys can carry around a lot on a daily basis. Extra emotions or a fight can be enough to cause a guy’s plate to overflow, causing him to try to remove or avoid something from his plate. In this case, if he’s asked for space, you are thing he is trying to remove.

Another thing that is important to understand about men is that they are naturally problem solvers. Men are more likely to retreat and want to “reappear” once they have come up with a solution. They don’t want to necessarily be seen as they are trying to work through things and come up with a solution.

What Should I Do If He Asks for Space?

Simple.

GIVE HIM SPACE.

Definitely give him space.

There are a number of more obvious reasons why giving him the space he has asked for makes the most sense, such as it is more respectful and the more mature thing to do.

However, I know that if you’ve arrived on this page, you probably already know this and so far, you are not convinced that giving him space will work and is the best thing to do. Everything in you is telling you to chase him.

You ask, “Will he come back if I stop chasing him?”

So, let’s start by taking a moment to explore what your other option is: Don’t give him space and continue to reach out at a normal or higher rate.

If you are considering this, you may be doing so because you are worried that giving him space will prevent him from coming back. You may feel that reaching out to him as if everything is “normal” may make him realize that he is making a mistake asking for space. Or, you may feel the need to convince him that you two belong together and that you can talk through whatever the issue is and space is not necessary. You may be wanting to show him that your love can conquer whatever it is that made him think that space was the only way to handle it.

I want to make this point really clear… so, I’m going to underline it AND bold it….

Continuing to try to talk to him, text him, or chase after him after he has asked for space is only going to push him further away.

We even have a word here at EBR for continuing to pester someone with texts, calls, emails, and anything else and this is called “gnatting.”

You can read about it here, in “Desperation 101- How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back Without Looking Desperate”  when you’ve finished reading this article. Basically, it’s texting or calling excessively.

Is it gnatting even if I text him like I normally would… nothing more?

YES!

He’s asked you to give him space (a complete disconnect) and you are giving him more than he wants. It’s annoying.

You know when a fly or a gnat is buzzing around and you can’t seem to get it to go away? That is how your ex boyfriend feels when you keep trying to force him to connect when he doesn’t want to.

Please do not be a gnat. Our pros over at EBR will all tell you that gnatting will lower your chances of getting your ex to come back.

That’s right! Gnatting, not giving him space is what will hurt your chances of him coming back.

I polled 10 random guys today. I asked them the following question:

“Would you be more likely to want to get back with someone who

a) you asked for space from and this person gave it to you

or

b) you asked for space from and they texted and/or called you trying to “fix” the situation?”

The results are below:

a) 10 votes

b) 0 votes

That’s right! 100% of guys said that they would be more likely to want to get back together with the person that respected their request and gave them space!

Why Giving Him Space and the No Contact Rule is the Best Option

Giving him space and utilizing the No Contact Rule will allow your boyfriend or ex boyfriend the opportunity to “reset” any bad feelings that he may have towards you. If you haven’t broken up and your boyfriend says he needs space, he is probably feeling stressed or overwhelmed by something in the relationship. He may need time to retreat and come up with the solution, like we talked about at the top of this article.

If you have broken up and you gnatted causing your ex-boyfriend to ask for space, it is paramount that you give your ex-boyfriend space now and begin implementing the No Contact Rule.

So why not learn much more – Get Your Copy of My eBook The No Contact Rule Book

Anything else you do after he asks for space is really going to move you towards the “crazy psycho ex-girlfriend” territory and really, who wants to be her? NOT YOU!!!

In the meantime, focus on becoming ungettable and the best possible version of you.

If you are unsure what Ungettable means, here is a link to an article explaining the term. It is unique to the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program, but the concept is pretty easy to follow.

A “Real Life” Example

Think about a dog for a minute.

Imagine that you are standing on an open road. You and the dog are looking directly at each other but there is some distance between you, say 10 feet. This may sound funny but I want you to take a moment and try to picture your ex-boyfriend as that dog. Now I want you to image that dog turning around and walking the other way… The dog is creating space between you and him, just like your ex boyfriend.

Now, your first instinct may be to panic, to run after the dog, or to call it back to you and maybe even offer it a treat. However, if you chase after the dog (your ex boyfriend), what is the dog likely to do? The dog is likely to run away further. The dog may even enjoy being chased by you. If you call the dog back to you and offer it a treat, it may or may not come but if it doesn’t the dog is going to know that walking away from you sure got your attention and he was rewarded, thus this will encourage the dog to do it again. You don’t want to go this route either.
So, if those options don’t work, let’s imagine what you should do. You’re back on the street and the dog is walking away from you. Imagine instead, that you stand there and do nothing. Or, better yet, you turn around and start walking the other way, away from the dog. Now, imagine that when the dog turns around to see if you are following him, he instead sees that you are out having the time of your life! Maybe you’re even giving his much beloved treats to another dog.

What do you think the dog is going to be inclined to do?

If you said come running back, you are right!

Now, let’s apply this example to ex. Your boyfriend asks for space. Instead of freaking out and chasing after him, you simply respect his space. In the meantime you go off and do some UG (Ungettable) things. When your ex boyfriend checks in on you (whether directly by texting you or indirectly through mutual friends or by looking at your social media) he will see that you are off having fun. Your boyfriend or ex-boyfriend will be much MORE LIKELY to come back simply because you respected his space and even made the most of it and had a little fun for yourself!

Space isn’t sounding too bad anymore, is it?

You Still Have Reservations?

Wow, you’re still not convinced, huh?

I could just tell you that giving him the space he asked for could not only turn out to be awesome, but that it could strengthen your bond with your ex.

I could tell you that it may even HELP your chances of him coming back!

I’m guessing that if you still are not convinced that you have some other concerns about giving your guy space, so let’s talk through some of the more common questions I see when giving girls advice on our EBR Support Group. 

Will Giving Him Space Make Him Fall Out of Love With Me?

No, we are talking about you giving him space for a short period of time (typically no more than your no contact period). People cannot fall out of love in a matter of weeks. Respecting his space will show maturity and independence which should only make you more attractive in his eyes.

What If He Meets Someone Else While I’m Giving Him Space?

Well, I don’t want to lie to you so it is possible that he could meet another girl while you are giving him space or in No Contact. However, it is highly likely that this person will be a rebound and it will be very short-lived. There are other methods EBR offers to help in these specific situations… so, don’t worry. It’s not hopeless.

How Long Should I Give Him Space For?

I have to admit, this is tricky to answer but I felt like this is probably a really common question so I wanted to take a stab although there is not a “one size fits all” answer here.

If you are still dating and your boyfriend had asked for space, I would recommend giving him space for at least a week or until he reaches out. If he does not respond positively to your reach out after 1 week, do not gnat but give him another week of space. Remember, in the meantime, try to have fun!

Now, if you are broken up you need to give your boyfriend space until your No Contact period is up. You may be thinking, “what if he reaches out before then; has he had enough space?” Stick to your No Contact period and follow the No Contact Rule Book.

Story Time….

Let me leave you with a story, you’ll never guess who it is about…

No really, guess.

Okay fine, I’ll tell you, it is about me! The year was 2008 and I was in my first real High School relationship.

I know. Everybody say it with me…

So this guy, let’s call him “A.”

A and I had a great relationship that moved really quickly. We were in “love” after three weeks of dating. I know, it’s laughable now but this has an important lesson that came with it…

After about two months of being on a romantic high, A completely blindsided me and asked for “space.”

We were not fighting, we were perfect. I thought I was going to marry him and have his babies. I’m completely joking… only kind of, but not really…

Anyway, after A asked for space, I remember thinking that I must show him that space would only pull us apart and lessen our love; that I should show him that I was willing to fight for him and that this would prove to him that we were meant to be together.

I totally gnatted him for a week.

If you are still unclear on what gnatting is, you can read more about it here.

What was the result? He broke up with me a week later. I cried, and cried, and cried. But I DID NOT CONTACT HIM. I inadvertently began no contact and guess what, two weeks later he was BEGGING for me back.

Moral of the story is this: once I finally gave A the space that he was looking for, he was able to realize how much he missed me and how much our relationship meant to him. He began to wonder what I was doing and wanted to talk to me. Give the guy space and show him what he is missing out on.

A Quick Recap

So, something I have found in working with Ex Boyfriend Recovery is that, if we don’t do some kind of recap at the end of an article, our readers tend to pick on point that I made and forget the rest of the article altogether.

So, let’s look at what we discussed today.

  1. When a person asks for space, they are wanting a disconnect from the person they are asking for space from. The want time alone.
  2. There are plenty of reasons that your ex could be asking for space. The important thing is not to get hung up on the “Why?
  3. If he is asking for space, the absolutely BEST option is to GIVE IT TO THEM. Most of the time people don’t know what they want and when they get it they almost instantly realize that it is not what they really wanted.
  4. Then we talked about the reasons you might doubt that this will work… Well, you’re wrong. 9 times out of 10 it will work.

I also try to hook you guys up with a video that can help you moving forward.

For this topic today I think that THIS video is the perfect one for those of you in this situation.

Alright So, I’m going to do one more thing for you today.

I know… she has more?!

You’re probably wondering,

“What did I ever do to deserve such gifts?”

Well, you just clicked on the right article today, my friend.

I am going to open up the comments below for discussion. I want to hear about your situation with your asking you for space.

From there we can discuss your next action.

  1. How did he go about asking you for space or time to think?
  2. Did you breakup or have you not quite gotten there yet?
  3. What have you done since he asked for space?

478 thoughts on “Will He Come Back If I Give Him Space”

  1. Avatar

    Mary

    December 1, 2019 at 5:45 pm

    I was in a loving relationship with my boyfriend for the longest time. He said that I make him so happy and that I’m his ray of sunshine. He even got extremely thoughtful gifts. He drove me to his parents and to meet other people in his life. He talked about our future. Then one weekend he was just so angry out of the blue . He gave me a love letter talking about our future. Then he ended the relationship the ne t day and he said his feelings died a long time ago. Then he said don’t you feel more connected to other people? Then he said we don’t have a connection. He asked to be friends. I went quiet for months to recover. Then l came back and talked to him as a friend. I never brought up the break up or anything. Deviated from anything related to that when he tried to bring it up when we talked again. Then l told him that l want to be best friends. Then that upset him and he asked for space. Gave him space for a month. Then l reached out after a month. Then he said that he still needs more space to get over « feeling torn throughout our relationship » he said because he wasn’t sure whether we had a strong enough connection. then he said maybe we can be friends in the future but now isn’t the time. So I was confused. I agreed to be his friend as he asked when the relationship ended? So l don’t see the issue? Why is he acting like this? He was the one that brought up the friend idea?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 1, 2019 at 10:51 pm

      Hey Mary, sometimes people suggest being friends during the break up as they think it lessens the blow. You need to go into a full no contact and get over the break up and the loss you feel when the relationship ended. For a minimum of 30 days and work on being the best version of yourself so when you do speak again he is going to notice those changes and want to talk to you more.

  2. Avatar

    Robin Fay ONeill

    December 1, 2019 at 1:51 pm

    Hi,
    I wanted to give an update.
    You suggested I see a therapist. I have been in therapy for a long time. My guy needing time away has been really difficult. My therapist said bc of my past I needed to call him and say it was not healthy for me to be out of the loop so long. So, I tried calling him. The call went straight to voicemail. This was after a text asking if I could speak to him. I called and again straight to voicemail and left a message saying it was really important we talk. I never heard from him. I sent a couple texts that were a little long. Still not answer. I thought I was blocked. I figured out that I was not bc his carrier has a different message when blocked. I’m afraid I have ruined everything. It hasn’t been a month. I realize he may have gone out of the country bc he had mentioned he may need to ck on his property for some maintenance issues. He wouldn’t be able to use his phone. After one test asking how he was doing he sent a thumbs up. I hardly feel it wd be a reason to block me. I was just panicking. He did remove his whatsapp from the number but he may be using it on a phone there to contact his kids.
    So, after sending the texts he may not have read I sent one and apologized.
    I am still crying and having a hard time. It has all been such a shock. Especially since we have never even argued or fought. I so want him to be telling the truth. I want to know he is the honest straight forward guy I have known. I can only wait till the month is up. If it passes without him contacting me I guess he made a decision. He won’t be back.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 1, 2019 at 11:01 pm

      Hi Robin it is great you are in therapy, the issue is if you are going to follow you therapists advice it is often going to conflict with the program and advice you will receive here, as your therapist is going to help you work through issues that you are talking to them about where we are going to try and advise you how to get your ex back. So for now I would suggest working through some of your issues with your therapist and revisit getting your ex back when you are in a much stronger emotional position

  3. Avatar

    Samantha

    November 29, 2019 at 4:34 pm

    I have been scouring the Internet for “break” insight articles, this one was by far the best. After 3 years my boyfriend and me are on the dreaded “break”. Lately we have been having some issues as we are both in school for masters programs and work full time (we are in our 30’s) His starting school has definitely added extra stress on his plate (Which he does not deal well with stress in general) so where he would normally have had the patience and time to talk things out is non existent and fights began escalating to full blown screaming matches within minutes (he felt very overwhelmed by this). Working and school during the week meant we had no time to ourselves until the weekend (whereas his go-to de stresser is friends…. mine is quality time together) fights began about how much time he was spending with friends (this spread like a cancer to other areas and naturally before you know it we began arguing over anything and everything) After a particularly bad weekend he tells me he fears we do not want the same things and that Perhaps I need someone who can devote more time to me (I never asked for MORE time as I understand he has a full plate, I just asked the little free time he had was spent together rather than drinking at the pub with his friends which I was always welcomed to tag along to but do not view as QUALITY time). He broke it off while I cried and pleaded inclusive of a second conversation I initiated where I suggested all types of solutions to try and help us (i know post reading this article DO NOT DO THIS – lesson learned) He then changed to say maybe we needed a break and began getting angry that I needed to let him alone so he could ‘process’ his thoughts and he did not want to feel ‘pressured’ into the wrong decision (i.e agreeing to work things out then regretting it). This deeply hurt me and I have not reached out again and since then he has only texted once to wish me a happy thanksgiving to which I replied a quick thank you and here we are 1 week since the breakup happened. I am heartbroken and hope he finds his way back to me. Will follow the advice in this column and hope it’s enough to save us.

  4. Avatar

    Emily

    November 26, 2019 at 1:00 pm

    3 months ago my boyfriend broke up with me after 5 years together because he said it no longer felt right and that our lives were going in different directions. We were very happy together for a long time and all of our friends and family have been devastated by the breakup. I had been behaving really horribly towards him for a few months due to a lot of anxiety I had around certain things that were happening in his life but didn’t realise that this was causing me to behave as I was. When we broke up I began going to therapy to address these issues and I can honestly say it has made me understand myself in a whole new light and made me realise how destructive I was being to our relationship and how different I would be given another chance.

    We met up after a month to talk about everything and I was able to tell him about everything I had learnt and why I knew I would never behave as I had done again and that I just want him to give us another chance. He said that he could see that I had changed for the better and seemed different but that although he still loves me he isn’t mentally able to be in a relationship with me (or anyone else) right now and doesn’t know if and when that will change and so doesn’t want me to wait for him. I know that this is because of how much I hurt him and how much he gave to the relationship.

    A few weeks later before going away travelling I sent him a letter explaining again why I had behaved as I did but not begging him to come back. He messaged me to thank me for the letter saying it had meant a lot to him. When I came from travelling we ended up going for a coffee to catch up which was really lovely but he said that he had only just begun to process the breakup in the last few weeks (2.5 months after breaking up) and while some days he wakes up wanting to get back together, other days he thinks breaking up was the best decision to have made. He said that he could not get back together with me unless he knew it was 100% right and that it was for life, although I understand this I think its a bit of an intense approach to take especially when he still doesn’t trust me and therefore I cannot see how he will ever reach that point of being 100% sure.

    A week later he was going for a serious operation so I messaged him and he replied saying he appreciated it and would let me know how he got on after. He messaged me that evening to update me on it and we exchanged a few messages before he closed down the conversation. He messaged me a few days later about a show we both love but then quickly closed down the conversation which I know is probably in part because he feels guilty sending mixed messages.

    We have not spoken since then, 10 days ago and I will not contact him as I appreciate that you advise no contact. My concern though is that the more space / out of mind I am that the more he will adjust to being on his own and will grow to like it and push himself more into the belief that this was the best thing to do rather than having any regrets. I know I have behaved with a lot of self-respect so far and have not had anything but positive communication with him (the few times we have had any), but how do I encourage him to realise that its worth giving another go and that he doesn’t need to have such an intense outlook on it and it would be better to give it a chance?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 1, 2019 at 12:17 am

      Hey Emily giving him the space should allow him time to miss you, at first yes he is going to think it is the right thing to do, but slowly as time passes by he is going to start remembering the good times he had with you which is going to make him miss you. It just takes time. And during that time you need to do the work to be Ungettable girl so that he realises he really has missed out on someone great

  5. Avatar

    Robin Fay ONeill

    November 26, 2019 at 7:04 am

    My guy and I have been dating about a year. We are both older. He was divorced about 3 ys ago. I was in a long relationship that ended badly. We both have trust issues. We have always got along. We may have minor disagreements but we have never fought. He tends to be a big thinker but we make each other laugh and have always had fun together. The chemistry between us is awesome. This past month he started getting distant. We usually see each other every other week bc he shares custody of 2 high school age boys. When we are together we may see each other almost every night but definitely on weekends. He likes to cook for me and he makes plans for us to do fun things. He pays but I will also at times. Sometimes I suggest things and we will do that. He go weird and I had to ask him if we had plans. We had spent the week before and we had a lot of fun. I always tell him how much he makes me happy. I complement him on his body and how hard he works. He’s very smart and we talk about a lot of things. He likes my intelligence and says I’m a mess but in a sweet and funny way. We both act goofy and he snorts when I make him laugh. We say things the other is thinking and finish each others sentences. He got very stressed on a Saturday morning. He was acting distant. He got upset was upset about something. He really didn’t say. So I got ready to leave and he said goodbye and gave me a hug but it seemed off. He ended up saying I was a big distraction and raised his voice. I left crying. A few days later I asked if he felt better. He apologized and said he had issues and wanted the best for me. A few days later I saw a job posting he might have been interested in. He was actually at the interview for said job. He thanked me. Later I met him at the beach for sunset and we talked. I gave him a special mug I had ordered a few weeks before. He was very excited and loved it. He said it was like an early Xmas. He hugged me and held me 4 separate times and he really kissed me. We both went home. Later on Friday he came over and had a cut on his arm that was swollen. I made him an ice pack. We went to bed and had sex a couple times. The next day I made breakfast and we had coffee together. When he left he kissed me and hugged me and said to behave myself. He often says that to me. A couple days later we talked on the phone he said he was confused and had a lot of financial stuff he wanted to take care of. He said he wanted to do some side jobs (he’s a contractor) to make extra funds to cover some big bills. We have discussed the money issue before. He has a property in another country and the renter didn’t pay the last month and it was over 3 wks and 2000 to clean it. He inherited it but he has to pay the maintenance fee. He said he still wants to see me again but needs time to take care of these things and get rid of some bad habits. I asked if he wanted to break up or if he was seeing someone else he needed to just tell me. I asked if he didn’t want to see me anymore. He said it wasn’t about that. He said he needed to take care of these things and time to figure stuff out. I said how much time do you want. He said 30 days. I said this is what you need and he said yes. I said ok then. I said I’m really going to miss you. He said I know. I said aren’t you going to miss me? He said of course. I wanted him to tell me. I said ok. Bye. That was Nov 5. I texted him and said after 30 days we will meet to discuss things. I expected him to tell me the truth. I said if he wanted to end things he needed to tell me now. I have not called him. I sent him one text asking how things were. He sent me a thumbs up. Our anniversary is Dec 6. I spoke to a mutual friend. He said he is a good guy and he has a lot of integrity. I think he is scared. I just want him to be honest. I have had trauma in the past PTSD. It has really made me feel awful and I have had a couple flash backs since all this happened. Do you have any suggestions? I love him. I know he has those feelings. He shows me with his actions. I have never demanded anything. I have let him lead. This was very unexpected. He called me his girlfriend after 3 months. He is very good to me.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 1, 2019 at 12:00 am

      Hi Robin, so to deal with how you are feeling right now and to not drive him away I suggest seeking out a therapist to deal with your emotions. He sounds as if hes being honest with you and just needs time to sort other things that are worrying him right now. Stick with your No Contact and focus on teaching yourself how to deal with the emotions you are having, you are allowed to be anxious about this as it is unexpected for you but don’t ruin what image he has of you by Gnatting him

  6. Avatar

    Alisha

    November 22, 2019 at 7:16 pm

    Here’s what happened my ex feels like I am interested in other guys because an ex liked my picture on social media. He is convinced that plus me liking body builders guys on Instagram I am not in love with him and destroyed the relationship. That plus early in the relationship my male friend sent me a snap that said “want to see what I look like in the dark” && he’s not fond of this person. All this combined made him leave me. I’ve gnatted him for an entire month since. To where he has blocked me and unblocked me and last night told me that he loves me but isn’t in love with me and want to be single. Then hangs up on me and texts me later about pushing him too far when needing space. I am confused and don’t know how to fix it.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 23, 2019 at 11:56 pm

      Alisha, it sounds like your ex is insecure mainly and needs to work on his self esteem but liking other guys photos has not helped that as innocent as you think it may have been. So when you have completed a 21 day NC I would reach out to him in a friendly way but do not bring up the past and just try to get talking again as friends and build it up romantically gradually and if you are to get back into a relationship keep in mind that he is insecure and be mindful of your social media actions.

  7. Avatar

    Alyssa

    November 22, 2019 at 4:10 pm

    Hello

    So my boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship now for 2 1/2 years. Everything was going perfectly. Of course we’ll have our arguments here and there but nothing serious through out the years dating. We love each other. 3 months ago, his mom/family were pressuring him to try to propose soon. We’re middle eastern so they don’t think it’s nice for couples to date for too long and should settle pretty quickly. I’ve brought marriage up to him a couple times but never pressured him or anything. My family and I were supposed to go to his house a couple months ago to meet his extended family. After his mom Pressured him though, he became very very stressed. He wasn’t communicating with me as much, kept reassuring me how I’m for sure the one he wants to marry but he is not ready yet. A month ago, I asked him why he’s still been acting distant if he’s past the whole pressure situation. He told me he’s starting to feel distant and not as in the relationship as he was. I asked him if He takes back if I’m 100% the one, he says he feels like I am but when he has these feelings of being distant he doubts it sometimes And it bothers him that he’s doubting this. I never ever thought he would say anything like this for how much I know he truly loves me. I kept saying how the pressure really got to him. I knew a couple months back I should have given him the space since he was so stressed but he never asked for it. Instead I started to smother him, out of fear of losing him, and I believe that made things worse and caused him to start feeling more distant. I’m giving him some space now because I truly believe that is what he needs and he said he needs it. Do you believe that he will come to his senses with this space? It’s been a week 1/2 now with no contact at all.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 24, 2019 at 12:01 am

      Hey Alyssa, so even thoguh you find it hard the no contact is best and it does give the ex time to consider how they are feeling and a chance to miss you too. So stick with it and do the work that is required to become Ungettable during your No Contact. Stick to it to 30 days of nothing, do not reach out to him and dont reply to him either

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    Ellise

    November 18, 2019 at 3:42 am

    So here goes. My ex and I broke up about 5 months ago because of my alcoholism and I cheated. We went about three weeks without contact and I went to rehab. We started talking again about 3 and a half months ago and slowly progressed into casually dating again. He told me we were working towards getting back together but taking it slow. I went back to damage control mode and constantly asked him about his feelings, why he was still on dating sites etc and ended up relapsing and I drank. Needless to say he was really upset about that and started distancing himself. He’s still on dating sites but says he does still want to get back together someday but wants us to work on ourselves. I need to get a job and focus on my career path and he needs to do the same and I know I should give him space, but sometimes I feel like giving up. He says he still loves me and feels strongly about me but we need to work on ourselves first. Please advise lol.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 19, 2019 at 11:10 pm

      Hi Ellise, I do agree with your ex, you both need to do some self work. This is a valid reason to stay apart until you are both in a better place mentally. So you are able to follow the program because a lot of this is self work in which after 30-45 days NC you are able to reach out to him hopefully he will be in a much better place too. You need reach out on a positive note so do not bring up the past, the problems, or the break up

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    Valerie

    November 17, 2019 at 11:38 pm

    I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 4 months. We started going out a week after he broke up from a toxic relationship.everything has been going really well. And then last night out of the blue he had texted me and said he needed some time. When he told me he needed a break I packed up my stuff and left I told him that I wouldn’t bother him. And thatit if it was meant to be it would be. I’ve read the article and I am good with giving him the space he needs, but I guess I just need advice of how to stop this hurt. I know that I can’t change his mind or make him want me but I’m just scared. It was so nice to have someone who treated me well and I was really happy and just about to let my guard down. I’m totally devastated. I just miss him and want him back. Which I feel like is a normal reaction. Anyhow I just need advice help thanks so much

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 23, 2019 at 11:59 am

      Hi Valerie, so your attitude towards this process is great, as for helping you deal with the hurt, you need to do the work for the Holy Trinity, there are many articles here about this and also Chris YouTube channel too. This will all help you work on yourself to be happy and confident within yourself. Which in turn will make a really big difference when you speak to your ex after your No Contact is over

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    Angela

    November 17, 2019 at 11:12 pm

    I have been in a long distance relationship for two years with this amazing man. We have been seeing each other for a few days around 2 weeks in between. He was always so loving and so kind until recently, I had doubts about his commitment due to factors such as the distance and less quality time (him wanting us to spend some time with friends when I visit him). This turned into a big ball of anger and resentment on my side which ended to me asking for space. After two weeks of space, I regained my happiness and was not angry at him anymore. I learned about myself, what I could have done better and my needs in the relationship. We then met and had a whole weekend of discussions and letting everything out. I came to the conclusion that I want to make this relationship work. However, he told me that he still needs time. He said we both know that loving each other so much is NOT the problem… Its how we snap, get angry, and provoke each other when we’re having discussions over small things. There was already an instance that we physically pushed each other. I appreciate how honest he was about the reason behind him wanting time and space… I told him, I will support his space because I was in that state of mind a few weeks ago and hope that when he comes back, we can sort things out together. We went on with the day so happy and inlove until we had to travel back to our own countries. We had the most passionate kisses when he took me to my car (to go to airport). I know it’s his time to have some space but I’m just not sure if he will come back and that scares me the most.. Is there anything I can do in a long distance relationship to raise my chances to get him back?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 23, 2019 at 11:55 am

      Hi Angela so its great you are respecting his request for space and use this time to work on yourself to become Ungettable, there a many articles on this website about long distance break ups so use that you will find useful. With long term relationships the main goal for you both is that you would eventually be together is this something you are willing to do? Make changes to your life so that you can both be together, is he willing to do that for you too? These are questions you need to ask yourself during this process

  11. Avatar

    P J

    November 17, 2019 at 3:54 am

    I’ve been in a relationship with my old high school sweetheart. We were both separated and spent 5 years in a long distance relationship that was wonderful except for a few bumps. I was waiting for his divorce to finish and then I had a quick settlement for my own. We traveled together and I was there for him when he had surgery or needed advice or support. And then his divorce was settled and he began pulling back suddenly. I had taken taken time off to have him visit with family. Finally the family asked if he was coming and he has given me a no contact until he gets back to me. 5 years of daily contact and talk about the future and now I’m told He finally is free and doesn’t want to be sucked into something????? So I’m going to respect him and say nothing even for his birthday and the holidays. I’m beginning my settlement for my own marriage end and then I’ll move on alone I guess. But I am feeling so used, as if I was a stop gap to fill up his need for emotional support and encouragement. So how much time do I wait until I get my stuff I loaned him? How long is it ok to continue to hope. I’m ready to retire and buy a home in the next 18 months and I wanted to consider his needs and input. That was not good….. I guess it smacked of him being obligated. When did a wonderful relationship become a prison instead of being a privilege to be with me? I think I’m finished giving my heart to people who use me and take me for granted.

  12. Avatar

    Swati

    November 14, 2019 at 8:49 pm

    My relationship was similar to the one you talked about. We told we loved each other within maybe a couple of months and it all seemed totally fine. We were happy and I felt good, actually good and calm and safe in the relationship with him. And out of the blue he told me one morning that he was going through a hard time and that he needed space. My brain practically exploded. He said that he needed to deal with this himself, he wasn’t sure how he was feeling and he needed to sort his life out. It felt terrible that he didn’t want my help, that he wanted to do all this without me. He told me it wasn’t “the end” but I was just so unbearably sad. he had taken all his things and left. I did message him to talk about a couple of days later but looking back I think that did more damage than good. He only repeated that he wanted space and wasn’t sure how long he needed. I told him i needed to know his intentions with me. But he only replied asking me not to push him into making a decision.
    So I told him I loved him and would give him space. Now I’m not on his social media. He clearly doesn’t want any contact. I really do care about him. After reading this sure maybe some space without any contact is good. But how do I even know when to break the ice? And what do I even say to him to make him want to invest in this relationship again?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 14, 2019 at 11:47 pm

      Hi Swati, so you need to look up some texting articles to help you compose your first reach out after you have completed the No Contact, also read up on the Ungettable Girl posts too

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    szcheradz

    November 13, 2019 at 9:28 am

    my boyfriend asked for a space after having a fight, but still I insisted that we should talk and all then we became okey again and then we really had a bad fight. then suddenly he told me he could not take it anymore so He wanted to break up from me. So knowing that how serious he was I panicked I went crazy and gnatted him, I said he cannot do this to me that I was not prepared for the breakup, then he then said , maybe what We really needed is time , but still he is replying my messages and all. but he doesnt call me baby and say I love you anymore, but when I message him he still replies, and still every day I keep incorporating our issue, that when are we going to be okey, and gets upset telling me that I dont have anythng to say but about it. And then still I keep saying same thing asking him when are we going to be okey asking him if he still loves me and he is saying I am not sure about it anymore. and then just yesterday I could not take i anymore so I had to ask him, if he is doing this because he cannot directly tell me that he doesnt want me back anymore and trying to do it in a nice way, I asked him that aDN HE REPLIED, Honestly I dont know what to tell you anymore, he said I dont want it anymore, I asked him if he was seeing other woman, obviously I knew he would not tell me anything.and I said, please dont do this to me and all, then he finally said, I just need some time that Is all I need and I still love you and told me that we will still be okey, he just needs time to fix himself because I cannot force him to be okey,. he said he just got so tired of me and all. So last night I deactivated my messenger and informed him about that and told him that he can just let me know if he is completely okey, Do you think that he will still be back or will reach out for me if I did the no contact based on his statements yesterday?or do you think he still loves me>?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 13, 2019 at 11:56 pm

      Hi Szcheradz, you need to read and follow the program for your best chance, so you need to work on that and become Ungettable while you work through your No Contact

  14. Avatar

    Dee

    November 11, 2019 at 6:04 pm

    Me and my boyfriend have been seeing each other for two months, everything was going good to a point where he Asked me to move in together. I felt the decision was rushed since we only getting to know each other and when I told him he understood why we can’t rush to that decision. Anyway last week he asked for me to give him space and time coz he’s overwhelmed about a lot of personal things in his life and he needs to be alone. I was devastated and crushed coz normally that’s not a good sign when someone you love mentions a break/space/time. It’s been a week now not talking to each other and it’s hard, I feel like I’m losing myself coz I’m wondering what he’s doing and honestly I’m not sure that he’ll come back. He hasn’t contacted me but he checks my statuses on social media. I don’t know what to do. Will he come back or should I accept that it’s over.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 12, 2019 at 8:17 pm

      Hi Dee, start with No Contact and work on yourself for some time, get over the break up and the upset. Then assess your situation, complete the quiz and read some more articles that apply to your situation. Following this program is your best chance of getting your ex back but you need to read to know exactly how to implement it

  15. Avatar

    Jo

    November 10, 2019 at 10:41 am

    Hi, me and my partner have been together for five years. Around six weeks ago he left me an told me that the relationship was putting to much stress on him. He said he still loved me and he thinks we just need time so he can sort himself out, and yes I went on and on for weeks. But then last week he blocked me on everything. No way of contacting him, nothing except one social media platform, he said it was over and he was done, and then he ignored me after that. What will I do. I don’t want to loose him but I’m scared he won’t come back. He still has all our photos up on social media. I’m doing no contact I have been for a week. What is going to happen.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 10, 2019 at 9:44 pm

      Hey Jo, there is no way to tell you what is going to happen but you can give yourself the best chance of getting your ex back by following the process and doing the work needed to alter your life where needed.

  16. Avatar

    Nicki

    November 4, 2019 at 10:50 pm

    Hi,

    My relationship has been rough the past few weeks. I’ve been letting my paranoia and emotions cause me to pick a lot of unreasonable fights and to get upset at my boyfriend even though he hasn’t done anything wrong. This has been especially bad this past week.

    Yesterday (Sunday of this past week) we got into an argument because he was upset about booking a weekend trip for us on the wrong dates. He called me to tell me what he did and was very upset. He hung up soon after saying he didn’t want to talk right now because he was upset about the situation and he hung up. I called him back several times telling him he was being rude for hanging up on me when I was trying to help him figure out the situation. He told me if I called him one more time he would break up with me, and I replied “it sounds like you want to break up already” and he said “Ok we’re done” and hung up. I didn’t call him back for several hours afterwards, but I didn’t think that we were actually broken up when I finally reached out to him. He said he would call me back later. When he did, he said that he was serious about the break up and that he didn’t want to do this anymore. The relationship wasn’t going where he wanted and he said that me not giving him space that morning was what tipped over a ton of build up from how I was getting mad at him for no reason over the course of that week. I asked for another chance and offered to change my actions since it had only been that one week that it was especially bad. He said no and said he will not reconsider and we ended the phone call there.

    I am now at a loss of what to do. I knew I had been pushing his buttons, but he had been so patient that I didn’t think this would happen and I genuinely feel bad for how I treated him in the recent times. I didn’t really apologize during that talk, so I was wondering if I should reach out after 2-3 days of giving him space just to genuinely apologize for my actions, NOT ask for him back/ask for another chance. What do you advise me to do? I want him to reconsider, I think he made this decision because of the fight over the phone, and usually when he does say something like that out of anger he comes back and reconciles within 24 hours but it’s been more than a day now and I feel like this might be more permanent. Please help.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 9, 2019 at 7:27 pm

      Hey Nicki so you need to do a proper No Contact where you do not reach out to your ex for 30 days and you do not reply to him either. Literally do not speak to him for a solid month. In that time you need to be doing some work on yourself esteem and confidence, look up some posts about being the Ungettable girl and what you need to do, to cultivate this lifestyle. Make a list of things that you know need to be changed for the better in your life, things that do not revolve around him. Spend time with friends, focus on you and how you’re going to show the world that you are the best version of yourself

  17. Avatar

    Ronna

    October 26, 2019 at 6:03 am

    My boyfriend and i have been in a relationship for 4 years and we have an age gap of 7yrs ..so yess we have a lot of fights but above all i love him so much ..more than anything ..i guess that was my problem ..i accepted all his rude behaviour during fights and never left him ..and accepted his apology always ..but suddenly he blames me for his behaviour and says he wont talk with me for 6 months …he just said “if u want me then dont talk to me for 6 months so that we both can become into better person ” …i was begging him when he conveyed this in phone but he is so stubborn in his decision …i called him again after 2days ..he spoke so rudely and told me ill talk to u only after 6 months ……im broken devastated ..he is happy on the other side enjoying his life ….. I dont know how to handle this ..its been 2 days of no contact but its really hard ..can u pls suggest me what else i can do to have him back ???..im losing myself ..pls help me

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 27, 2019 at 8:42 pm

      Hey Ronna so begging him and gnatting him is not going to work. You need to give him what he wants – a break up. 30 days of NC and work on yourself to be the best version of yourself in every area of your life. He will notice that you’ve left him alone after some time

  18. Avatar

    Ann

    October 23, 2019 at 10:24 pm

    Me and my boyfriend have known each other for a little over 2 years now. The first year was hard, a lot of drama, rumors, people getting in between us, it was an on and off thing. When we finally decided to be exclusive nothing really changed but we started to get to know each other more and spent more time together. After 6 months, he decided to make it official. He is 25 and this is his first relationship ever. I’m 23, and my previous relationship was very toxic. So toxic that it made me very insecure and untrustworthy. I kept throwing tantrums, fighting for no reason, always doubting him. He always forgave me and took me back right away only because I promised I would change. I guess I never realized how big of a problem it was and how much I was pushing him away, so I didn’t stop. This last time, he got really upset and told me he was done but the next day I tried apologizing and asked him to give me one last chance and he said okay. He became really distant and our conversations were really short he also said he didn’t think it was a good idea to see each other yet since he was so upset. The first week he did make it clear that he didn’t want to break up he just needed time to get over what happened. But after him telling his family and all his friends what I did he became even more distant and even said he doesn’t know what he wants anymore and that he needs space. I became very anxious and I haven’t given him the space he asked for. I’ve been questioning him a lot, pressuring him to tell me what will happen, and even arguing. Last night it got out of hand where I didn’t stop calling and insisting and he told me to stop being desperate that now he feels like not even seeing me anymore to talk.. I know I messed up and I shouldn’t had done that because now I feel like I annoyed him and finished pushing him away. I know he loves me and I love him a lot too. I believe I can change and we can save this relationship, but is it too late to give him the space he asked for?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 24, 2019 at 9:55 pm

      Ann you need to give him the space or you’re going to end up being the mentally abusive one. He is conflicted because of your behavior and you do really need to change ASAP if you need to seek professional help do to this, then go. Your actions are not going to be rectified over night and thats a mistake a lot of people make when youre panicking and calling your ex blowing up his phone… hes NOT going to change his mind youre just pushing him to reinforce his decisions. Let him breathe and in that time – go speak to someone about how to control emotions or even do some research on emotional control.

  19. Avatar

    michelle

    October 23, 2019 at 5:32 pm

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 months. Everything was great, we’ve met each other’s families/children, we even talked about marriage one day. Then he started acting distant and I became agitated. Once I became agitated, he told me he’s dealing with all kinds of pressure, mostly financial, that I had no idea about and he said it’s over. Once he revealed what he’s going through, I explained to him that I understand and wanted to support him and love him and help in any way I could. I asked him to not break up with me and he agreed to try to give our relationship a chance, but he needs space. I called him once since this happened and asked “are we in a a relationship”, he said “yes, I will tell you if I feel I can’t do this”. I kept questioning him and he said “you’re not even giving me any space like we talked about”. Since then, I’ve called him again (the next day) and and he told me he was napping and would call me when he woke up. I asked him was he just telling me this to get me off the phone and he said no. That was 2 days ago and hasn’t called me back since. I started the NC rule yesterday, but just am afraid he’s gone for good. He told me once that in relationships once he’s done, he’s done.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 24, 2019 at 9:27 pm

      Hi Michelle so youre not actually giving him space if you are calling him up daily you need to let him reach out to you – at this point I wouldnt say you are broken up. I would say you need to pull back as you are going 100mph its only been four months and youve done some moves that take some couples close to a year. The fast pace may be the reason he is taking a step back there is an instant pressure when youre introducing families saying I love you and talking about getting married to someone you havent even known romantically for half a year. Hit the breaks slightly and let him take the lead a little more

  20. Avatar

    Anelle Gerber

    October 20, 2019 at 11:42 am

    My man started a new job 11months ago it was suppose to be a 9 to 5 with occational late nights and some weekends. Turns out 7 days a week average of 15 he days and no off weekends. We were use to being together everyday every weekend. This was a shock to both our systems. To give you a shortend version. He was exhausted 95% of the time. I started leaving him al9be, not sharing all my long stories, making choices on my own and even making excuses for being intimate cause i thought he was to tired and wanted him to rest. I also had a boodjob 11 months ago and he constantly complained im to revealing hiwever everyone around me says that i have never exposed myself inappropriatly ever. So he oacked a bag and left while i was on a business trip. Its been 12 days now. We had a chat he came home that night. Made love to me and left and the next day told me he needs mire time to process everything we spoke about. I explained how i misunderstood his tiredness and made bad calls by assuming space would do him good. He saw it as me getting attention else where and not being interessted in him anymore. He walked out to find himself again and get himself out of the funk he is/ was in. He says love has never been the problem he loves me but the trust has been broken. I have been crying, nagging, texting, phoning. Now that i know what i have to do to make him feel supported and loved he does not want to come back and says he needs more time to thinkband heal himself. Pls help me

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 20, 2019 at 10:50 pm

      Hey Anelle so with your situation I would suggest a No Contact where you are not nagging begging pleading etc, but you do not date while youre in NC stay away from other guys so he can see you want him. If he chooses that he doesn’t want to get back together then you need to start the being there method essentially so that you can get him back showing the type of woman you are

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