Here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery, I get a lot of questions as you can imagine. However, one of the most prevalent questions I get asked is,
“If I do No Contact, will my Ex forget me?”
The answer to that of course, is a big resounding
But of course, there is more information that goes along with that question. We need to look at WHY your ex will not forget you.
So, let’s look at the first step of Ex Boyfriend Recovery, which is No Contact.
For many, No Contact is a phase that instills dread. And it shouldn’t really.
The No Contact Rule works in several different ways. However, it is not my own invention. Many other relationship coaches use No Contact as part of their program. But there are aspects of No Contact that I feel they leave out.
First, no matter what the situation is, it gives you and your ex a chance to cool off.
For example, let’s say you’ve had a big fight and emotions are high. at that moment you are carrying around many different emotions especially. You love your ex, but you are so mad, that you hate them for that moment. Things are said in the midst of anger, when emotions are out of control. And sometimes, we say or do things that are almost impossible to fix later.
This is one of the main points I stress during No Contact. Time apart from your ex and the tense situation gives you a chance to get your emotions in control, some perspective, and get a plan of action together.
Whether it’s 21, 30, or 45 days of No Contact, it’s important for you to take the time to get your emotions in control.Why? Because No Contact comes to an end, and it will be time to get back in touch with your ex when you enter The Texting Phase.
Because No Contact will eventually come to an end, and it will be time to get back in touch with your ex when you enter The Texting Phase.
This second aspect of No Contact is equally as important. In fact, it builds up his anticipation for the two of you to have a conversation.
It’s very important to utilize this aspect. How do you build up this anticipation?
Well, by focusing on yourself, going out, and having experiences, of course.
But Chris, you say, How does this build anticipation for a conversation in the texting phase?
Patience Grasshopper, that information is coming.
But I need to stress, it is crucial that during No Contact, you go out and do things. Have experiences. Pick up new skills that you’ve always wanted to learn. Go places, try new foods.
In the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Group, we label this part of No Contact as “Becoming the Ungettable Girl,” or “Being a UG.”
Want to know more about being Ungettable Girl? Find out more about that here.
Now, while you are out living your life during No Contact, it’s safe to say, you are going to be using all kinds of social media during this time. And if you aren’t the social media type, then now is the time to make yourself familiar, because it is going to play an integral part to stirring your ex’s growing anticipation.
How do I know this? It’s ingrained in our culture these days. You can’t go anywhere in the world now, without someone taking a selfie, posting to Instagram, or checking a feed for some sort of updates. It’s second nature now.
And you are going to use in the effort to regain your Ex.
So, How are you going to use social media to get your Ex Back?
Again, I say patience….
I often tell the story of how I met my lovely wife.
I have written that when I first met my wife, I sort of stalked her. I checked her out on Facebook to see what kind of person she was.
And when I got to her profile, I found out she was an awesome woman, with a lot of friends. And a lot of those friends were guy friends.
And even though we weren’t in a relationship yet, I found myself to be jealous. Because I saw that other people were getting to be around this incredible woman.
And I wanted that. I wanted to be able to get to know her.
I mean… Wouldn’t you? Look at her!
The point of my story is, your Ex is checking your social media. It just so happens I have done a podcast on this very subject,t(Using Social Media to Get My Ex Back Podcast. In this podcast I mention the following statistics:
31% of people posted a picture in an attempt to make an ex jealous.
88% of people check up on their exes using Facebook after a breakup.
64% of people over-analyze wall posts and messages from their ex
50% of people delete their ex’s picture after a breakup.
33% quoted a song/lyrics about their ex.
and most importantly…..
70% of people admitted to using a friend to check up on their ex’s Facebook profile.
You see this last one is important. It’s important because it works on some weird level in your ex’s brain.
You go out and you become the Ungettable Girl. You are out having new experiences, learning new things; you are cultivating a rich and rewarding social life. And of course, you are posting pictures and videos like crazy. In these videos, you look great, you feel great, and you genuinely look like your having a great time. Smiling, laughing, and projecting a sense of confidence is what would be seen in these pictures and videos.
Why are you going to post and use social media to your advantage? Because more than likely, your ex is falling into that 70% that admitted to checking their ex’s profile. And notice that statement: “admitted to checking.” I would wager that the percentage of people checking on their ex’s social media and not admitting it is slightly higher.
Why is this important? Well, first you have to realize that during No Contact, you are laying the foundation or groundwork to get your ex back. You are getting your emotions in check and having the time of your life.
Out of Sight, Not Quite Out of Mind…
Have you ever heard the phrase, “Out of sight, Out of mind”?
Using social media during the No Contact phase is the main combatant of “out of sight, out of mind.” You may not be talking to him, but he’s definitely checking up on you, which means you are still on his mind.
This is exactly where you want to be.
Will he forget you during No Contact if he’s not checking your social media?
No, there’s emotions there that he either hasn’t come to terms with, hasn’t processed or a combination of the two.
But what you do need to show is that your life is great, with or without him, which in turn will get your ex to thinking,
“Gee, she’s really doing great without me. What have I done by letting her go?”
So let’s put all this together:
- You have done or are doing No Contact.
- You are posting pics and video like there’s no tomorrow on various social media of the new and interesting things you are doing.
- You are looking and feeling your best in all these photos and videos. You seem to be the very definition of the most fun and interesting person in the world.
- You have mastered your emotions and have “Let Go without Letting go.”
Do you see the groundwork you’ve laid? You will now have an abundant amount of stuff to talk about.
You want to know what your ex has been up to while you were out living your life?
The Male Mind During No Contact
We’ve actually already written a set of articles about the Male Mind at various stages of No Contact:
The Male Mind During No Contact (2013)
The Male Mind After No Contact (2104)
You should read them! The give you valuable insight to how your Ex may react during this phase.
But, we also have to look at the way all human minds reacts during a breakup.
According to an article written by Megan Laslocky, scientists have compared the levels of dopamine in your brain while you’re in love, to those of a person that have experienced Nicotine and Caffeine.
Notice that they tested alongside two of the most commonly used drugs on the planet – Nicotine and Caffeine.
What did they find? Let me give you a direct quote from this article:
” as far as brain wiring is concerned, when you’re in love, it’s not as if you’re an addict. You ARE an addict.”
The rest of the article, I must say is a little frightening, as it talks about a possible future pill that a person could take to get over heartbreak.I mean, come on. Everyone experiences heartbreak.
I mean, come on. Everyone experiences heartbreak at some point or another.
But not everyone has found Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro.
But I digress.
Now, as I’ve said about the No Contact Rule many times on this site, it takes roughly 66 days to break a habit. See the connection?
ADDICTION = HABIT
BREAKING HABIT = 66 DAYS
So even the longest No Contact of 45 days isn’t enough to get your Ex to forget about you.
The one thing you need to realize in your addicted brain… yes, your brain is addicted too… is that even if your Ex gets a rebound girl, he’s simply swapping one addiction for another.This is why rebounds rarely work out.
This is why rebounds rarely work out.
You on the other hand, during your No Contact, are doing a sort of rehab. You are focusing on yourself, not the source of your addicted brain.
This gives you the mental edge over the Ex.
So let’s put all this knowledge together.
- 70% of people admitted to using a friend to check up on their ex’s Facebook profile.
- The Human Brain is the same as a drug addicted brain when it’s in love.
- The No Contact Phase is shorter than the amount of time it takes to break a habit.
Couple these facts with your new found Ungettable Girl status, and you have all the tools you need to get your ex to want to come back.
But it’s important to realize that you have to conquer your own brain and your range of emotions after the breakup if you want to succeed. Maintaining the habits that you had before your breakup, or hanging on to past emotional hurt and anger will cloud your judgment.
This creates a foundation before moving forward.
It’s important to enter The Texting Phase with a solid foundation and good groundwork laid. You have to be the one in control of the conversation.
Think of it like the movie, “Now You See Me.”One of the main characters says, “Always be the smartest person in the room.
One of the main characters says,
“Always be the smartest person in the room.”
When you enter The Texting Phase, you have to be the smartest person in that conversation. Which means you don’t let anger, sadness, and neediness control your emotions.
But you also have to realize that the possibility of your Ex not having control of his emotions will be a reality. So it’s important to keep all texts positive, and focus on positive things.
You see, what many women and men that have bought Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro find, is that the
No Contact Phase, that they were so afraid of, is not the hardest phase.
It’s the texting phase that is the hardest phase.
The Texting Phase is where you find out the hardest truth about your breakup.
No, your ex did not forget about you.Now, what are you going to talk about to keep his attention?
But now, what are you going to talk about to keep his attention?
I can tell you, especially after consulting with individuals in the Facebook Group, that ideas and strategies for texting your ex are limitless. Some make flow charts. Some script their texts. Some just wing it, and go with the flow that their ex sets. Not sure I recommend the last one, though.
Whatever your approach, the foundation and groundwork still have to be there.
You still have to have things to talk about. Not sure where to start? Have more questions? Those answers and help can be found in my other book The Texting Bible.