How many times have you guys heard me say,

Most people who try the no contact rule on their exes end up breaking it…

Well, it still holds true to this day.

At the start of this year I created a private support group for our ex recovery program members where women, going through breakups, could go to get advice and interact with others going through the same thing they are.

As a result, I have gotten to know a lot of amazing people and their situations.

And despite having this personal coaching from me, my team and likeminded individuals they still struggle to make it through the no contact rule.

I can’t tell you how many times I receive a message like this from them,

Chris… I made a bit of a boo boo. I called him during no contact. What do I do next?

And then you have me over here like,

So, I thought I would do something interesting and talk a little about how you can survive your no contact rule.

What you can do to make it through it unscathed without breaking it, ever!

Which leads me to Hannah.

Now, Hannah is unique in the fact that usually when a reader calls in to this podcast they usually hound me with questions.

“What does it mean when he does xyz”

“He told me to F-Off… What do I do?”

But Hannah called in not to ask me a question but to recommend I advise people to do something.

Want to know the craziest part?

I agreed with her!

But before we get started,

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A Couple Of Important Going Ons At Ex Boyfriend Recovery

I haven’t really made a big deal about this yet because I kind of wanted to surprise you guys but around three months ago I hired a pretty awesome designer to redesign the website.

Now, there is still some work to do on it but one thing that I had him do was redesign the podcast as well.

What do you think?

Pretty awesome, right?

Tell me what you think in the comments of this page!

Interview Transcript

  • Hey, hey hey!

    What’s up and welcome to another episode of the exboyfriend recovery podcast.

    As always really excited to have you here today. We’ve got something different planned today. Instead of taking a question, I got really, really interesting voice mail from a customer of ex boyfriend recovery pro. If you don’t know ex boyfriend pro is, you should get it.

    It’s my book that teaches you basically how to get your ex back and this person, she particularly grabbed ex boyfriend recovery pro and started implementing some of the ideas, specifically the no contact rule.

    And as she was doing the no contact rule, she did something that I hadn’t really recommended in the book but it helped her a ton. And so she left me a voice mail, just to tell me about it.

    She even went out of her way to say, “Hey, I don’t even have really a question for you. I just think you should share this with your listeners.” And so I listened to her voice mail today, and was so impressed and so fascinated by what she did, that I figured I’d include it. So before I play that voice mail for you, so you can kind of hear from the horse’s mouth, so I don’t take complete credit for it.

    I’d like to ask you for a quick favor.

    If you haven’t already, please, please, please, go to iTunes page for the ex boyfriend recovery podcast and subscribe to this podcast or leave an honest rating or review.

    It’s really simple to do so. All you have to do is go to the iTunes page for ex boyfriend recovery podcast. Simply just log onto iTunes, type on exboyfriend recovery, we should pop right up and then you could tell me how much you love me or hate me but preferable love me.

    Alright, anyways, enough of that. Let’s get right down to it. We are going to play that voice mail for you right now.

  • Hello,

    My name is Hannah and I actually don’t have a question for you. I’ll just tell you something that I did at that beginning of the no contact that has been really helping me throughout the whole experience.

    At first, I kind of felt just lost and I felt like everything was lost in the world. So, what I did in the first day of no contact, I sat down and wrote just like a letter to myself to state that I am amazing, a strong beautiful woman. I can do this. Why I started no contact and why I can’t stop it.

    Why I can’t cave in and call him at 2 o’clock. And while this isn’t a question, I just really think that this could be so good to share to other women that it would be amazing to include and I think that it would definitely be something that will be very beneficiary to include in a little podcast just as a side note.

    Just because it is great whenever I’m feeling kind of –just like I wanted to text and tell him everything. I just look at it and it kind of puts a smile on my face and reminds of why I’m doing it.

    Thank you.

  • Hey!

    Thank you Hannah for recording that voice mail for me. I really appreciate and I actually really love your idea. Hence, that’s the reason why I’m recording this podcast talking about it.

    It’s really, really interesting that you said this because one thing that I’ve always found fascinating was this idea of journaling.

    It’s this idea where during the no contact rule, you actually instead of seating around, twiddling your thumbs, thinking how bad your ex has wronged you or how bad you want him back, instead of doing that, you do something productive and write your feelings or your thoughts on journal.

    And so, I really, really found it fascinating.

    And you know, believe it or not, I’ll tell you kind of a little behind the scenes story of how my life works. If your’e ever wondering what a break up coach or a relationship consultant’s life is like.

    One of my time’s spent researching ideas, writing articles, dealing with kind of business practices, dealing with my private support group, dealing with support emails and I obviously have a team of individuals that help with that, and believe it or not one of my biggest supporters is my father.

    Now, it’s really interesting that the timing of this voice mail because literally, as you recorded this voice mail, I got an email the other day from my dear old dad and my dear old dad is a pretty friendly guy.

    He’s very, very helpful. Really good at research particularly and so when he stumbles across something that he thinks is really relevant to break ups, he sends it my way.

    And the one thing he stumbled across the other day was an article on something called redemptive narrative. Now, redemptive narrative, if you don’t already know it’s–a lot of it just really revolves around when something really bad happens to you, instead of just journaling about how bad it was and how bad your feelings are hurt, instead you turn that negative thing into a positive thing.

    So, let’s just use a little practice. So, we can get redemptive narrative and I can really nail it down. So, let’s assume Hannah, you’ve gone through a break up which obviously you have. Instead of taking a journal, writing how bad you’re hurting and blah, blah, You say, what redemptive narrative you would write down, “You know, I’m really hurting but maybe this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” So, it’s sort of turning a negative situation into a positive situation.

    And I really, really started reading this article, and they found some really fascinating things which actually shocked me.

    So, back in 2012, psychologists, they published this study that just simply journaling and writing about your emotions surrounding a break up, particularly a break up, will actually make you feel worse than when you started.

    Now, isn’t that fascinating?

    A lot of times you’ll hear experts, including me who said, “Oh, it’s a great idea to take out a journal and write down your feelings.”

    But it turns out that according to this psychologists, that could actually make you feel worse than when you started. Now does that mean you should throw this journaling idea out completely?

    No, it’s not but more recently, there’s a bunch of psychologists that got together and they wanted to, I believe the term was, give me a second, they wanted to do a study on cognitive processing. Now, cognitive processing is a pretty big mumbo jumbo sciency word, psychologist type word where if I came to you and say, “Hey, how is that cognitive processing going?”

    You’re probably going to sit back and say, “What the heck is he talking about?” So, let me just narrow it down and make it simple for you. Cognitive processing basically means that you’re changing an interpretation of a negative emotional event. So, instead of looking at something negatively, instead you’re going to look at it, maybe a little bit more positively. So, psychologists, wanted to kind of I guess, dive down deep and get to the bottom of if journaling will work if you do cognitive processing.

    So, they got a bunch of people together and they divided them up into different groups. I think they got a hundred individuals together, gave them all journals, they had all recently gone through a break up and they said, “Ok, 30% of you are going to write about the break up in this way. 30% of you are going to write about the break up in this way. 30% of you are going to write about the break up in this way.” And they eventually kind of got all the details down.

    They followed up with them and what they found was really interesting. Cognitive processing doesn’t actually work unless it’s done a certain way. So, what they found was people who are going through break ups, people can reduce the overall emotional distress associated with that break up, if they do cognitive processing by writing a redemptive narrative.

    So, rags to riches type story. Instead of sitting there saying, “It’s going to be ok. It’s going to be ok.” Actually sitting down and saying, “You know this really hurts right but this is the best thing that ever happened to me. Here’s exactly what’s going to happen.”

    And in writing this narrative story out, they found that that actually works really, really great to reduce the emotional stress and I think it’s a perfect thing to actually apply to the no contact rule and believe it or not Hannah, it’s exactly what you are doing right now.

    So, maybe you’re not going in writing a full redemptive narrative or you’re sitting back and saying, “Yeah, yeah you know I broke with him or he broke up with me and I’m going to get him back and here’s how I’m going to get him back.

    I’m going to do step abcd, he’s `going to respond this way and we’re going to live happily ever after, have 10 kids, which that’s a lot of kids but ok, live in a white picket fence, blah, blah, blah.”

    That would be kind of a crazy redemptive narrative but you are kind of doing you’re own version of redemptive narrative. You’re talking about how beautiful you are, how powerful you are and how strong you are. I also think–I’m just going to level with you, when someone talks to me about the law of attraction, this idea of you just put something out in the universe and it’s yours to get, I originally looked at that and thought, hmm, you know what, I don’t like it.

    It doesn’t make any sense to me, I can’t like science it down. I know a lot of the women out there love this, and I kind of looked at this redemptive narrative in that way and the more and `more I thought about the law of attraction, the more my personal beliefs kind of revolve around you know maybe it’s not so much putting something out there to the universe and then having it just there for the taking, maybe it’s about the frame of mind you’re in.

    When you’re in the frame of mind, good things start happening to you and you start drawing all this positive things and I think by writing this redemptive narratives, writing a rags to riches story of where you’ve broken up with, you’ve got nothing, you feel like you’re alone and you sit down and you write this story of how you’re pulling yourself up back onto your feet, how you’re becoming strong, powerful, beautiful, how you’re actually going to take steps to get your ex back, how he’s going  respond positively in those steps.

    You’re putting yourself in a specific frame of mind where you’re opening yourself up to having these good things happening to you? I think a lot of women who struggle with the no contact rule struggle because, well, one it’s hard to ignore someone that they want back so badly but two, they’re afraid.

    They’re afraid that it’s not going to work. You always do the no contact rule under the assumption that it’s going to have a positive effect on the ultimate end goal that you want and a lot of times, women who do the no contact rule, they’re ultimate end goal is to get their ex back and so they sit there and say, “Ok, well I understand maybe by ignoring my ex, it’s going to give him and me, kind of some time to cool down.

    It’s going to give me some time to like put my life together but at the same time, it’s going to make him miss me.” That is the end goal but as you start the no contact rule, you start to be plagued by all this doubts and fears. What if it doesn’t work? What if he doesn’t contact me? Is it the end of the world if he doesn’t contact me? What if he’s dating someone new? What if he’s sleeping with someone new?

    I have to contact him. I have to find out. I have to find out that he logged onto his Facebook during the no contact rule and you see he’s taken a picture with another girl. “Oh my god! Ten times worse now! I really have to break the no contact rule. I know, I know, I’ll just butt dial him.

    I’ll pretend to butt dial to him to see.” This is how women get caught up in the no contact rule. This is why women fail the no contact rule. Do you see how that’s not a redemptive narrative?

    Do you see how that’s not a positive thing for you to do? You’re not actually putting yourself in a positive frame of mind. Instead if you want to go all law of attraction with it, all you’re doing is sitting there worrying about things that are pretty much the worst possible outcomes.

    So, you’re all doing if you’re a big believer in the law of attraction, by focusing on your ex dating someone, who’s sleeping with someone new, getting knocked up by someone new, I don’t know make it the worst you could think of, all you’re doing is basically putting that out into the universe.

    As opposed to you writing a redemptive narrative and putting this rags to riches story where you claw yourself up and you have one of the greatest love stories ever told. I think doing this can put you in a great frame of mind.

    Now, do you have to get crazy with it? Yeah. I actually think you do. I think you really, really do. It’s private. No one will ever see this. I’m not going to see it. Your parents are not going to see it. Your friends aren’t going to see it. It’s just for you. Get a journal out during the no contact rule and start writing a redemptive narrative.

    Start writing about how horrible you feel right now. I know that’s kind of hard to talk about and I know I just basically said, “Hey writing about your feelings sucks.” but that’s not where you’re going to stop. You’re going to write about how horrible you feel and then start telling a story. Make it good one. A story where you start slowly getting better, you start feeling better, you start feeling more powerful, you claw your way up.

    You finally start texting him. He responds positively. He starts texting you first. All of a sudden you’re back on speaking terms. You’re talking about things that you used to talk about when you were dating. Now you’re on the phone with him. Oh my gosh! It’s great! You’re on the phone! You don’t even want the conversations to end but you’re smart and you understand they have to end first and you have to be the one that ends them and next thing you know, he sings back and asking “You want a date?”.

    Oh my god, you never thought you’d be in this place. All you could think about at the beginning of the break up was how bad you felt and how you just wanted to stuff your face with ice cream but now he’s asked you on a date and here you are on a date wearing the best clothes you can imagine.

    He’s basically undressing you with his eyes. He’s holding your hand. He’s being sweet, he’s telling you that he loves you. He’s begging for you back. That would be a redemptive narrative that you should write and you should write a redemptive narrative every single day during the no contact rule. I mean it.

    Every single day. It doesn’t always have to be about getting him back but it always has to be something negative to positive. That’s the most important thing. Think of it like a Judo. If you’ve ever seen Judo, where you basically as opponent attacks you, you use their weight to flip them over. You use their own power. Well, that’s kind of what you’re doing here with this situation.

    You’re using the weight of this negative situation and turning it around on itself. Turning it into something positive. That is redemptive narrative and Hannah, that was a great suggestion.

    I know it wasn’t exactly what you suggested per say but what you are talking about is essentially a redemptive narrative. You weren’t going specifically with maybe getting your ex back but what you’re talking about is essentially a redemptive narrative.

    You weren’t going maybe specifically with getting your ex back but you’re talking about how powerful you are becoming, how maybe this break up was the best thing that ever happened to you. Alright so, that’s redemptive narrative and that’s going to do it for this really quick episode of the exboyfriend recovery podcast, do this.

    I’m telling you if you’re doing the no contact rule, if you’re stuggling the no contact rule, you have no idea how to make it through the no contact rule, let’s try a redemptive narrative. Just do it every single day. Make it a habit. Make it always positive in the end. That is going to help you do the no contact rule.

    It’s going to help you do the no contact rule. It’s going to help you through this break up and you’re going to feel 10 times better than you felt at the beginning of this break up, I assure you. Alright, so if you haven’t already, going to do another meaningless plug for my podcast on iTunes.

    Please go to iTunes, type in exboyfriend recovery and leave me an honest rating or review on this podcast. If you love what I have to say, if you love this redemptive narrative stuff, say, “Hey, Chris that was a really great advice on redemptive narrative.

    You’re the best.

    You’re god I love you.

    I will surely accept that kind of criticism. Not that that’s criticism but if you hate me, I’ll accept those reviews as well and please subscribe to this podcast.

    Again, we need your ratings and reviews, we need your subscribers. I know it seems like every single day I’m asking you for another rating and review or another subscriber, that’s how important it is.

    If I’m sitting here, begging for it basically, then it’s probably an important thing because I don’t like begging for anything. Ok, now on that note, let’s make this a redemptive narrative and turn that negative into a positive. If you have any questions, concerns, or you need help at all, I’d actually like to suggest that you join our private support group. We’ve got almost a thousand women now, who have joined this private support group.

    It’s really interesting, a lot of some of the most incredible women are in this group. My wife the other day, she literally sat back and asked everyone, “Hey what do you do for a living?”.

    We have some high powered lawyers, we have some vice presidents, we have some presidents, we have some really crazy important people in this group which is really amazing. We’ve got psychologists in this group. This is a support group. It’s a safe place for you to talk about your break up and even implement some of this redemptive narrative. Anyways, guys that is going to do it for this episode.

    If you have any questions, comments or concerns. Just stop on by exboyfriend recovery, leave me a message through the contact form or simply just write a comment one of my team members or I will get back to you.

    Take care.

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11 thoughts on “How To Make It Through No Contact Period”

  1. Avatar

    Eleanor Smith

    June 25, 2020 at 2:39 pm

    Getting through no contact is killing me! My ex reached out on days 3 and 5 and then hasn’t since. I didn’t reply to him on those days but I have no idea why he’s just stopped reaching out – If it were the other way around I would be calling and being like “are you ok? you haven’t replied, just checking you’re alive” and I definitely would have called. He hasn’t called even after PROMISING he was going to make more of an effort to be a good friend. It breaks my heart. I don’t understand it at all. Why isn’t he missing me? Why doesn’t he care? Why hasn’t he called?! I was so close to breaking NC earlier but managed to pull myself back and I still haven’t but my goodness it’s hard – it’s only day 11! Please someone tell me it gets easier!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 27, 2020 at 8:44 pm

      Hi Eleanor, it does get easier, you start getting used to working on yourself and not talking to your ex. Day 11 is great and you are doing so well be sure that you are focusing on yourself and that you are doing great – use social media to show you are doing well and that you are just not engaging in conversation because his curiosity is going to make him check on you online

  2. Avatar


    July 7, 2019 at 3:12 pm

    He wanted some time alone to figure out school and career stuff. We’ve been together for two years. It’s been a week since we last talked. Throughout the week he would check my social media. Today he deleted all his pics of us on his Instagram and removed me from his bio.
    I wanna reach out so badly. I wanna talk to him. I just wanna hear his voice. I want his name on my phone. I don’t know what to do. I’m starting to think he’s actually going to forget about me.

  3. Avatar


    March 1, 2018 at 4:38 pm

    he would get back to me right now and he doesn’t want to do that. After that I decided to give him the time that he wanted but we were supposed to meet on saturday as we were going to our mutual friends party. During the week we both texted and called each other but not as much as usually. I was even kind of happy because of this ‚break’ as I had time to think about a lot od stuff and understand everything and just let any anger and negative emotions go. When we talked on the phone on friday he said that he misses me too and that he’s happy that we’re going to meet tomorrow. When we met we talked and I was pretty sure that we’re gonna get back together but he said that he needs more time. At the moment that was to much for me to take and I cried but again he said he loves me and we can meet 2-3 times a week. We were going to a party so I had to put myself together and said to myself that I’m going to have a great time and we both had… In the club we were almost all the time together, when I was gone for longer he was calling me and when he forgot about keeping his barrier on he was hugging me. After a party I was sleeping at his place, we didn’t have sex but when asleep he was hugging and kissing me. The next morning we didn’t really talk because he was going to work. He called me in the evening and we talked for about half an hour about some random stuff like gym, work etc. and he even called me honey. We met again on tuesday – he was helping me choose the glasses and then we went to his place so I can take the rest of my things back and to talk. I wanted him to open up and take the barrier down but he wouldn’t so then I did something I know I shouldn’t do – tried to convince him to give us that one last chance. He said no but he agreed to meet not this but next saturday. He also said that it is going to be best if we don’t text each other during this time and as hard for me it was I said nothing. When going out we talked a bit more and I told him to at least try and open in front of himself and try to let go that anger and everything bad and try to think about it more positively and openly – not to fix his mind just on that we are not together. That made him a little bit softer, he said that he is going to try that, hugged me and kissed my head. To give him space I decided to obey the no contact that he wanted but then after around half an hour he texted me if I got home. I replied cause I didn’t want to be rude. Not more that two hours later he sent me a text again saying good night so I also replied. The next evening he texted me again asking how did my job interview went. I decided to wait with replying him and after less then 30min he sent me a questionmark. I replied a few minutes after that just informing him about how the interview went but he started keeping the conversation and telling me about his day etc. but after a while I cut it short saying goodnight and that I’m going to take a bath cause I wanted to be the one ending the conversation. I don’t know what to think about it. If he is the one that didn’t want contact during this time, then why he keeps texting me? Also I know that he wasn’t bored or anything as they had friends over and were playing fifa. I am also not sure how to act during our meeting next saturday. I know that i definitely should go there with a smile on my face but don’t really know if touching the topic of us and our breakup is a good idea or if it’s butter just to go somewhere nice and try to spend great time together?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 5, 2018 at 12:54 pm

      Hi Emily,

      Stop meeting him. Tell him being friends is not workable for you and thank him for everything and then start the nc rule of at least 30 days.

  4. Avatar


    November 18, 2017 at 8:14 am

    Hi, I’m kind of in a situation like this. I’ve been in a 5 year relationship with the same guy and he recently (2 months ago) randomly decided to break up with me, yet he still has been keeping contact with me, saying he loves me, coming to see me, and when we are together he still cuddles with me, and kisses me like we are basically together still. This was still going on up until a few days ago and it was all because I asked him about a situation that I had just found out about that could’ve happened or might’ve not had happened, I honestly don’t know if it did or didn’t because he never explained instead, he blocked me and caused me to stress over it and believe that maybe what I heard was true and then a few days after I asked him about it and being blocked, he called and started saying hateful things toward me, telling me how he wishes he never met me, calling me dumb and pathetic, saying how I deserve to be treated badly because I’m annoying, and much more mean things. I would have never thought he’d say anything this rude to me, because after all I am very nice to him. I’ve always treated him with respect. And since that day, he hasn’t talked to me. Before he hung up the phone, he told me he loved me but I just was having a hard time believing it because he was being so hateful minutes before. He’s always had this trouble where he’s never shown that much emotion with certain things. Like he started out being so sweet at the beginning of the relationship, then months later he started to stop telling me what he loved about me, and the little things girls like to receive, such as sweet texts, etc. he would show me how he loved me SOMETIMES when we were spending time together though. He was really affectionate toward me while we spent time together and most of the time very sweet but it was like when I found something out or needed to ask him about something important, he blocks it out and ignores me. I’m going through a lot right now having to deal with this because now he’s being heartless. I tried to message him just saying a simple “I love you.” And got no reply, so now I’m trying to start to “no contact rule” because i don’t know what else to do. I’m heartbroken and confused. I keep questioning myself “does he love me?” And “why is he treating me so wrong?” And “am I ever going to hear from him again?”. I really need advice. I just have to know or have at least an idea of what could be going through his mind right now. I know that there has to be some love in his heart still, we were together for 5 years and we just broke up 2 months ago, and really not even that. We still kept contact up until like a week ago. So I don’t believe his love is gone, but he isn’t showing it at all. It’s really stressing me out. I really want to start the no contact rule but scared to do so because I feel like he will cut me off completely. He’s told me multiple times that he wouldn’t care if I ever stopped talking to him and he’d just move on..

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 20, 2017 at 5:16 am

      Hi Mallory,

      Check this one:
      Will My Ex Forget Me If I Do No Contact

  5. Avatar


    October 11, 2017 at 11:23 am

    Hi Chris! I’ve written comments on here a couple of times, but I keep losing the page I commented on, so I’m going to bookmark this one lol. My boyfriend and I broke up a little over a month and a half ago. He originally stated it was due to distance (he temporarily moved out of state for an internship), but I found out a week or so later that he had cheated. So he mostly broke it off due to guilt (as well as ldr). He repeatedly said our relationship is great when we’re together, but hard when we’re apart (I travel for work). He says later on if we settle in the same city, he’d love to try again. And for now he wants to be friends. We fought once due to people calling him out for cheating (he blamed me for their messages). I tried to be friends. He went so far as ducking when we walked by each other when I was with a friend and wouldn’t have stopped him while he was working anyway. After that, I decided it was hurting me more than helping, so I started no contact. After a week, he messaged. I didn’t respond. 3 days, another one. 3 more days, another one. All friendly. He realized I was ignoring him. He messaged again and said he hopes we can still be friends, but he understands if we cant. “Have a good life.” And then he blocked me on Facebook. I unfortunately broke NC. I told him that he hadn’t respected me for awhile, and I realized he never would if I didn’t respect myself enough to know I deserved better. I said I was taking space to heal by enjoying my friends, bettering myself, and meeting new people, and I hoped he would have done the same. He didn’t take kindly and told me he’d stop talking to me like I want and he’s happy for my adventures. I’m back in NC now, but I have no idea where to go from here…

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 12, 2017 at 11:59 am

      Hi Nichole,

      check this one:
      The Ungettable Girl

  6. Avatar


    July 3, 2017 at 1:54 pm

    Hi Chris, my ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago, he said he didn’t feel the same anymore (we were 2 years together). I didn’t know about the no contact rule so I obviously tried to get him back the wrong way. After a few days without speaking he messaged me, to ask me how i was, wanting to be my friend, I messaged him back… I didn’t know about NC. I started NC one week ago, but yesterday I figured he is dating somebody, what should I do???? Try to win him back by speaking nice through whatsapp or continue with NC and probably lose him if he gets in love with this new girl?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 4, 2017 at 9:21 pm

      Hi Mary,

      Restart nc and check this one:
      How To Win Back An Ex Who Is With Someone Else