Thank you Hannah for recording that voice mail for me. I really appreciate and I actually really love your idea. Hence, that’s the reason why I’m recording this podcast talking about it.
It’s really, really interesting that you said this because one thing that I’ve always found fascinating was this idea of journaling.
It’s this idea where during the no contact rule, you actually instead of seating around, twiddling your thumbs, thinking how bad your ex has wronged you or how bad you want him back, instead of doing that, you do something productive and write your feelings or your thoughts on journal.
And so, I really, really found it fascinating.
And you know, believe it or not, I’ll tell you kind of a little behind the scenes story of how my life works. If your’e ever wondering what a break up coach or a relationship consultant’s life is like.
One of my time’s spent researching ideas, writing articles, dealing with kind of business practices, dealing with my private support group, dealing with support emails and I obviously have a team of individuals that help with that, and believe it or not one of my biggest supporters is my father.
Now, it’s really interesting that the timing of this voice mail because literally, as you recorded this voice mail, I got an email the other day from my dear old dad and my dear old dad is a pretty friendly guy.
He’s very, very helpful. Really good at research particularly and so when he stumbles across something that he thinks is really relevant to break ups, he sends it my way.
And the one thing he stumbled across the other day was an article on something called redemptive narrative. Now, redemptive narrative, if you don’t already know it’s–a lot of it just really revolves around when something really bad happens to you, instead of just journaling about how bad it was and how bad your feelings are hurt, instead you turn that negative thing into a positive thing.
So, let’s just use a little practice. So, we can get redemptive narrative and I can really nail it down. So, let’s assume Hannah, you’ve gone through a break up which obviously you have. Instead of taking a journal, writing how bad you’re hurting and blah, blah, You say, what redemptive narrative you would write down, “You know, I’m really hurting but maybe this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” So, it’s sort of turning a negative situation into a positive situation.
And I really, really started reading this article, and they found some really fascinating things which actually shocked me.
So, back in 2012, psychologists, they published this study that just simply journaling and writing about your emotions surrounding a break up, particularly a break up, will actually make you feel worse than when you started.
Now, isn’t that fascinating?
A lot of times you’ll hear experts, including me who said, “Oh, it’s a great idea to take out a journal and write down your feelings.”
But it turns out that according to this psychologists, that could actually make you feel worse than when you started. Now does that mean you should throw this journaling idea out completely?
No, it’s not but more recently, there’s a bunch of psychologists that got together and they wanted to, I believe the term was, give me a second, they wanted to do a study on cognitive processing. Now, cognitive processing is a pretty big mumbo jumbo sciency word, psychologist type word where if I came to you and say, “Hey, how is that cognitive processing going?”
You’re probably going to sit back and say, “What the heck is he talking about?” So, let me just narrow it down and make it simple for you. Cognitive processing basically means that you’re changing an interpretation of a negative emotional event. So, instead of looking at something negatively, instead you’re going to look at it, maybe a little bit more positively. So, psychologists, wanted to kind of I guess, dive down deep and get to the bottom of if journaling will work if you do cognitive processing.
So, they got a bunch of people together and they divided them up into different groups. I think they got a hundred individuals together, gave them all journals, they had all recently gone through a break up and they said, “Ok, 30% of you are going to write about the break up in this way. 30% of you are going to write about the break up in this way. 30% of you are going to write about the break up in this way.” And they eventually kind of got all the details down.
They followed up with them and what they found was really interesting. Cognitive processing doesn’t actually work unless it’s done a certain way. So, what they found was people who are going through break ups, people can reduce the overall emotional distress associated with that break up, if they do cognitive processing by writing a redemptive narrative.
So, rags to riches type story. Instead of sitting there saying, “It’s going to be ok. It’s going to be ok.” Actually sitting down and saying, “You know this really hurts right but this is the best thing that ever happened to me. Here’s exactly what’s going to happen.”
And in writing this narrative story out, they found that that actually works really, really great to reduce the emotional stress and I think it’s a perfect thing to actually apply to the no contact rule and believe it or not Hannah, it’s exactly what you are doing right now.
So, maybe you’re not going in writing a full redemptive narrative or you’re sitting back and saying, “Yeah, yeah you know I broke with him or he broke up with me and I’m going to get him back and here’s how I’m going to get him back.
I’m going to do step abcd, he’s `going to respond this way and we’re going to live happily ever after, have 10 kids, which that’s a lot of kids but ok, live in a white picket fence, blah, blah, blah.”
That would be kind of a crazy redemptive narrative but you are kind of doing you’re own version of redemptive narrative. You’re talking about how beautiful you are, how powerful you are and how strong you are. I also think–I’m just going to level with you, when someone talks to me about the law of attraction, this idea of you just put something out in the universe and it’s yours to get, I originally looked at that and thought, hmm, you know what, I don’t like it.
It doesn’t make any sense to me, I can’t like science it down. I know a lot of the women out there love this, and I kind of looked at this redemptive narrative in that way and the more and `more I thought about the law of attraction, the more my personal beliefs kind of revolve around you know maybe it’s not so much putting something out there to the universe and then having it just there for the taking, maybe it’s about the frame of mind you’re in.
When you’re in the frame of mind, good things start happening to you and you start drawing all this positive things and I think by writing this redemptive narratives, writing a rags to riches story of where you’ve broken up with, you’ve got nothing, you feel like you’re alone and you sit down and you write this story of how you’re pulling yourself up back onto your feet, how you’re becoming strong, powerful, beautiful, how you’re actually going to take steps to get your ex back, how he’s going respond positively in those steps.
You’re putting yourself in a specific frame of mind where you’re opening yourself up to having these good things happening to you? I think a lot of women who struggle with the no contact rule struggle because, well, one it’s hard to ignore someone that they want back so badly but two, they’re afraid.
They’re afraid that it’s not going to work. You always do the no contact rule under the assumption that it’s going to have a positive effect on the ultimate end goal that you want and a lot of times, women who do the no contact rule, they’re ultimate end goal is to get their ex back and so they sit there and say, “Ok, well I understand maybe by ignoring my ex, it’s going to give him and me, kind of some time to cool down.
It’s going to give me some time to like put my life together but at the same time, it’s going to make him miss me.” That is the end goal but as you start the no contact rule, you start to be plagued by all this doubts and fears. What if it doesn’t work? What if he doesn’t contact me? Is it the end of the world if he doesn’t contact me? What if he’s dating someone new? What if he’s sleeping with someone new?
I have to contact him. I have to find out. I have to find out that he logged onto his Facebook during the no contact rule and you see he’s taken a picture with another girl. “Oh my god! Ten times worse now! I really have to break the no contact rule. I know, I know, I’ll just butt dial him.
I’ll pretend to butt dial to him to see.” This is how women get caught up in the no contact rule. This is why women fail the no contact rule. Do you see how that’s not a redemptive narrative?
Do you see how that’s not a positive thing for you to do? You’re not actually putting yourself in a positive frame of mind. Instead if you want to go all law of attraction with it, all you’re doing is sitting there worrying about things that are pretty much the worst possible outcomes.
So, you’re all doing if you’re a big believer in the law of attraction, by focusing on your ex dating someone, who’s sleeping with someone new, getting knocked up by someone new, I don’t know make it the worst you could think of, all you’re doing is basically putting that out into the universe.
As opposed to you writing a redemptive narrative and putting this rags to riches story where you claw yourself up and you have one of the greatest love stories ever told. I think doing this can put you in a great frame of mind.
Now, do you have to get crazy with it? Yeah. I actually think you do. I think you really, really do. It’s private. No one will ever see this. I’m not going to see it. Your parents are not going to see it. Your friends aren’t going to see it. It’s just for you. Get a journal out during the no contact rule and start writing a redemptive narrative.
Start writing about how horrible you feel right now. I know that’s kind of hard to talk about and I know I just basically said, “Hey writing about your feelings sucks.” but that’s not where you’re going to stop. You’re going to write about how horrible you feel and then start telling a story. Make it good one. A story where you start slowly getting better, you start feeling better, you start feeling more powerful, you claw your way up.
You finally start texting him. He responds positively. He starts texting you first. All of a sudden you’re back on speaking terms. You’re talking about things that you used to talk about when you were dating. Now you’re on the phone with him. Oh my gosh! It’s great! You’re on the phone! You don’t even want the conversations to end but you’re smart and you understand they have to end first and you have to be the one that ends them and next thing you know, he sings back and asking “You want a date?”.
Oh my god, you never thought you’d be in this place. All you could think about at the beginning of the break up was how bad you felt and how you just wanted to stuff your face with ice cream but now he’s asked you on a date and here you are on a date wearing the best clothes you can imagine.
He’s basically undressing you with his eyes. He’s holding your hand. He’s being sweet, he’s telling you that he loves you. He’s begging for you back. That would be a redemptive narrative that you should write and you should write a redemptive narrative every single day during the no contact rule. I mean it.
Every single day. It doesn’t always have to be about getting him back but it always has to be something negative to positive. That’s the most important thing. Think of it like a Judo. If you’ve ever seen Judo, where you basically as opponent attacks you, you use their weight to flip them over. You use their own power. Well, that’s kind of what you’re doing here with this situation.
You’re using the weight of this negative situation and turning it around on itself. Turning it into something positive. That is redemptive narrative and Hannah, that was a great suggestion.
I know it wasn’t exactly what you suggested per say but what you are talking about is essentially a redemptive narrative. You weren’t going specifically with maybe getting your ex back but what you’re talking about is essentially a redemptive narrative.
You weren’t going maybe specifically with getting your ex back but you’re talking about how powerful you are becoming, how maybe this break up was the best thing that ever happened to you. Alright so, that’s redemptive narrative and that’s going to do it for this really quick episode of the exboyfriend recovery podcast, do this.
I’m telling you if you’re doing the no contact rule, if you’re stuggling the no contact rule, you have no idea how to make it through the no contact rule, let’s try a redemptive narrative. Just do it every single day. Make it a habit. Make it always positive in the end. That is going to help you do the no contact rule.
It’s going to help you do the no contact rule. It’s going to help you through this break up and you’re going to feel 10 times better than you felt at the beginning of this break up, I assure you. Alright, so if you haven’t already, going to do another meaningless plug for my podcast on iTunes.
Please go to iTunes, type in exboyfriend recovery and leave me an honest rating or review on this podcast. If you love what I have to say, if you love this redemptive narrative stuff, say, “Hey, Chris that was a really great advice on redemptive narrative.
You’re the best.
You’re god I love you.
I will surely accept that kind of criticism. Not that that’s criticism but if you hate me, I’ll accept those reviews as well and please subscribe to this podcast.
Again, we need your ratings and reviews, we need your subscribers. I know it seems like every single day I’m asking you for another rating and review or another subscriber, that’s how important it is.
If I’m sitting here, begging for it basically, then it’s probably an important thing because I don’t like begging for anything. Ok, now on that note, let’s make this a redemptive narrative and turn that negative into a positive. If you have any questions, concerns, or you need help at all, I’d actually like to suggest that you join our private support group. We’ve got almost a thousand women now, who have joined this private support group.
It’s really interesting, a lot of some of the most incredible women are in this group. My wife the other day, she literally sat back and asked everyone, “Hey what do you do for a living?”.
We have some high powered lawyers, we have some vice presidents, we have some presidents, we have some really crazy important people in this group which is really amazing. We’ve got psychologists in this group. This is a support group. It’s a safe place for you to talk about your break up and even implement some of this redemptive narrative. Anyways, guys that is going to do it for this episode.
If you have any questions, comments or concerns. Just stop on by exboyfriend recovery, leave me a message through the contact form or simply just write a comment one of my team members or I will get back to you.