By Chris Seiter

Updated on June 10th, 2021

“NC is so difficult.”

“I don’t think I can finish NC.”

“Can I do 21 days instead of 30 (or 45) days?”

“What if he forgets me during NC?”

These are the most common concerns that many women express on our private support group for our ex recovery program members, especially those who are new and have just started the No Contact process.

You may even try to convince yourself that 21 days is what you should do, instead of 30.

Fortunately, everyone in the group is pretty is empathetic since many women had gone through a similar experience. But then you reach a certain point where you start cruising along your no contact. So for now, I say to you:

Think of it as going on a run.

Maybe you tell yourself, “I’m really tired today, and I don’t feel like going on a run.”

But then another voice says, “You’re an UG. And UGs take care of their health.”

Health, wealth, and relationships, remember?

So, you grudgingly put on your workout clothes and head out the door to go for a run. You do some stretches, and start off with a slow jog. But as your body warms up, you pick up the pace, and before you know it, you are killing it! You start running faster, and at some point, the adrenaline kicks in, and you feel powerful. You feel as though you’re on top of the world.

That’s how the NC process is for many women.

At some point, you start to feel invincible. Strong. Powerful. Beautiful. As though you’re a completely different person than you were before

Nevertheless, you can’t run forever. At some point, you need to declare the end of your workout.

And so reality sets in, and you realize that your no contact days are coming to an end. That’s when the panic kicks in again for many women. They anxiously ask,

“HELP!!! What do I text my ex?”

Well, here’s what NOT to send:

Why isn’t this a good text to send?

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Well, there is really nothing for your ex to sink his teeth into if he gets sent this.

So, you may be sitting there and finding yourself wondering, “now what?”

That’s exactly the issue we’re going to address today, broken down into the following steps:

  • Plan and brainstorm
  • Manage expectations and anxiety
  • Send the text
  • Let go and relax

Let’s dive right in.

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“If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.”

You may have heard that phrase before, and you think, “I’m planning! That’s why I’m reading this article on this website!”

Maybe you have even gone as far as to join our support group to get the insight of countless women going through the same thing you are.

Now, while the support group is great, here’s my question to you: Are you really planning and brainstorming?

All too often, I’ll see a post in our support group along the lines of:

“My NC is ending in three days! Help! What do I text him?”

What seems to be the problem here?

We do not know your ex. Who is this man? What is he like? What are his interests?

You were in a relationship with this person, so use that to benefit you on how you will text him, because you do have that advantage over other women!

At this point, I should also point out that if he has someone else in his life, don’t let it distract you from brainstorming and planning your texts! That is unproductive, because it will you make you want to reach out to him from a place of anxiety—and that is not at all a UG thing to do.

The Ungettable Girl is …

  • confident;
  • composed;
  • and most importantly, a woman of high value

Remember that you need to make him see you as a high value woman, and reaching out in anger and/or anxiety is not something a woman of high value does. The best thing you can do is to focus on how to start a conversation with him.

During your no contact period, when you are calm, confident, and collected, here’s what you should do:

Think about what you know about your ex, and make a list of things that will engage him.

Notice I said HIM, not you. I see many women falling into the trap of wanting to talk to their exes about things that interest them, but not their ex.

Keep this in mind:

Stick to topics that will engage HIM, not you.

Take a few minutes, and consider the following question to help you get started:

What is he interested in?

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It can be anything, such as cars, sports, books, art, music.

Alright, let’s say your ex loves music. He could even be a musician! Now, let’s take what we know another step further.

  • What genre of music does he like?
  • Who are his favorite musicians?
  • What do I know about his favorite music?
  • Does he enjoy going to concerts?
  • Are there any upcoming music festivals near me that I can go to and use that as something to talk to him about?

Essentially, what can I ask him about music that will trigger his interest and lead him to respond to me?

The last part is important.

Example 1:

Honestly, this text is not that interesting.

I will explain further when talking about managing expectations and anxiety in the next part. But for now, compare the example above to the following:

Example 2:


For some women, their exes are responsive to opening lines such as, “You wouldn’t believe what happened!”

But I’ve also noticed that this technique doesn’t work all the time, and sometimes you need to engage the hero complex in him right off the bat.

This type of text is called the “Damsel in Distress.”

  • Men want to fix problems.
  • They want to help.
  • They want to feel useful.

Tap into that.

The other advantage is that you are approaching and engaging him in a calm, non-threatening manner.

You are indirectly demonstrating to him that you are learning new things to improve yourself. It is always more important and effective to show someone that you have changed into the new and improved version of yourself than it is to tell someone that you have changed.

Think about it this way:

Imagine someone came up to you and said, “I have a million dollars in my bank account!” Would you believe this person?

Probably not.

You might want some proof, such as a bank account statement.

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It’s the same idea with an ex.

Show, don’t tell.


I think this is such an important aspect that should be discussed when it comes to starting a conversation with an ex, even if it’s not directly related to how you should start a conversation.

Take a moment to reflect:

What expectations do you have when it comes to talking to your ex post-NC?

Any time you think or say,

“But this is what we used to do,”

Then you are not managing your expectations. Remember that for whatever reason, you are now the ex, and you are no longer a priority when it comes to replying to text messages.

If the break-up was for a particularly bad reason (say, you cheated), then that is all the more reason you are less of a priority.

The idea of re-attraction is to become your ex’s priority again.

It is completely understandable to feel anxious or upset about not hearing back from an ex. But that is exactly what you need to work on. You need to realize that you have NO CONTROL over the other person or the situation. You’re Ungettable Girl and you have better things to do than to be anxious!


Have you ever turned in an exam or an assignment without first checking to make sure you have written down your name and answered every question to the best of your ability?

The answer is probably a resounding yes.

What happened in those instances?

Did you get a good grade? Or did you get back your assignment and exam and think, “I should’ve spent more time going through this more thoroughly.”

That’s precisely how you should think of the text you are about to send to your ex.

  • Draft a text
  • Edit the text
  • Proofread the text
  • Send the text

From what I’ve seen, the “first draft” of a text is typically not the text you want to send out to your ex.

More often than not, it’s verbose and people fall into the trap of asking too many questions.

Using the guitar example, here to illustrate what I mean:


That’s a first draft, and here are reasons I think you shouldn’t send out a text like this:

  • It is a long text
  • There are three questions in that text
  • It reveals your anxiety and neediness

That text example was 64 words.

You may think, “But that’s how I text everyone! And that’s how we used to text!”

But the idea of NC is to erase the negative feelings your ex had about you, and this is of utmost important if you were a text GNAT!

FYI GNAT Means = Going Nuts At Texting (generally immediately after a breakup)

That’s why if you were a big text GNAT, 45 days is usually the recommended duration for NC – to allow your ex the time to forget the bad memories of how you blew up his phone!

And called!

And maybe even showed up on his front door!

Now is the time to build a new image of you in his eyes.

Whether or not you want to face the truth, reading long texts is an investment.

“But it’s a text from me! How can he not care?!”

Because you are now the ex, and you are trying to move up the value chain again.

The text example above was loaded with questions, and overwhelming to read. Furthermore, some of the questions were what I would term “low-value questions.”

As an example, “The sunburst color looks so cool, don’t you think?”

If I received that, chances are I would think, “So, what? What’s your point?” It sounds harsh, but these are some things you’ll have to consider when editing your text.

You want to ask:

How would it make him feel? How would I feel receiving a text like that from someone I’m not interested in? What if someone on Tinder sent me that?

I’m not saying your ex isn’t interested in you anymore, but it’s often helpful to evaluate the text critically because you want to come up with the best possible text to reach out with.

When you read that text, it is LOADED with information that is pointless and somewhat overwhelming.

A text like that would tell me that you are only reaching out to find something—anything—to say to him. It may even alert him that you are up to something—that you are trying to get him back.

Chances are that our exes do suspect that we’re trying to get them back when we reach out after NC. However, you want to be subtle about it—you want to re-attract this person, not scare him off!

For the above reasons, I am a big advocate of drafting and editing your texts before sending them out. The Facebook group is usually a great place to post your text drafts so you can get ideas and opinions about your text before you send it out.

But I also want you to keep this in mind: The Facebook Support Group is excellent, but at some point, you want to learn how to engage your ex on your own. My advice is to keep thinking and drafting texts on your own, and learn through the comments posted by the women. It is unfortunate that a lot of women want to rely completely on someone else to do the hard work for them.

The group is there to help you learn how to become better at texting your ex, or even men in general. Use that to your advantage to improve!

Now, once you have a good text ready to be sent out, what do you do?


That’s it. Hit the button. Send it out.

And then take a deep breath.


Once you have sent it out, put your phone away and do something else.

Meet a friend.

Take a run.

Read a book.

Grab a drink.

You have done the best you can, and now you deserve to relax.


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166 thoughts on “How To Properly Start A Conversation With Your Ex After No Contact”

  1. Amy

    November 29, 2021 at 9:27 am

    My ex got in touch 3 weeks into no contact, saying he made a mistake, he thinks about me all the time, and general how are you etc convo.. so I replied to have general conversation, I didn’t want to press him for answers too much, he then asked me for a drink in the future, but never mentioned it after I said I suppose it would be nice. We spoke for a few hours then I didn’t reply. This was 2 days ago, he hasn’t messaged since.. what do I do now?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 29, 2021 at 8:29 pm

      Hi Amy, if he said he made a mistake to end things, then I would suggest that you arrange a time to meet up and talk about getting back together – if he refused to get back into a relationship then you re start your NC

  2. Laura

    August 21, 2021 at 5:06 am

    Hi, I texted ex after 9 months since he ghosted me and of no contact. It was short and funny, he responded mostly in emojis, asked me how I was and I finished with an emoji. He didn’t text anything else. Now what?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 9, 2021 at 9:36 pm

      Hey Laura, so he responded well it seems did you reply to close the conversation? I would suggest that you reach out in positive texts using the videos that Chris has provided to help you create texts that are going to get your ex talking and when to end the conversation too.

  3. Max

    August 12, 2021 at 5:30 pm

    I want to follow NC, but I have a different situation now. I found out that I am pregnant. We had a miscarriage before and he left. I don’t know if I should end NC early, because there are some health and pregnancy issues that need to face together. I wonder if there are any suggestions? How can I tell him by text?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 9, 2021 at 9:39 pm

      Hey Max, with this situation you need to be direct and explain the situation to him. Explain what your plans are (keeping the baby or not. His involvement needs to be his decision) If he is upset and freaks out understand that is just a high emotional reaction allow him to cool and reach out to you after that conversation. If you can I would suggest that you do this in person, but if he refuses then you need to text him the relevant information, dates, scans anything that he may need to know if he wants to be involved. Going form there I would suggest that you read about the limited no contact if he does not want to get back together.

  4. Christina

    August 8, 2021 at 11:07 pm

    So me and my ex were together 2 and a half years … I love him and really think he is the one …. we had an off and on again relationship but I always felt like he would come back and he usually always did …. but this time we broke up its serious we have been broken up for a month and 5 days we were talking but it was all negative and I chased the hell out of him sent him gifts showed up at his house begged cried and even asked him out to dinner which he said no …. I do feel like the breakup was my fault and I want to fix things …. is it too late to start a no contact period now im not sure with how long we have already been broken up what a good amount of time for no contact would be in my situation and if it’s even a good idea at this point but I’m feeling all out of options since nothing else I’m doing seems to be working ….

  5. Grace

    June 6, 2021 at 11:49 pm

    In a few days my NC ends and I will have to send the text. However, the thing that is making me most anxious is that I recently found out that he’d been asking mutual friends about me (which I already knew), but I didn’t know that they’d been responding, telling him I’m really struggling post break up. I’ve put a lot of effort into being UG and I thought I was doing a really good job. Now I just feel like they’ve all undermined it all with an unrepresentative account of me (I’ve gone to my friends with problems more than successes after the break up). Should I still go ahead and message him as planned at the end of my NC? Will this perception of me change the efficacy of having done NC in the first place?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 8, 2021 at 7:44 pm

      Hey Grace, how long as your NC been? If it has been 45 days then you need to reach out as planned if it is 30 days then you can extend for 15 more days telling your friends that you are happy and doing great so if he does ask again their story changes to show you are happy now. It is frustrating but if they did not know that you didn’t want them communicating how you were feeling then it isn’t really their fault I am sure they were just trying to help you at the time.

  6. Vanessa

    October 12, 2020 at 4:31 am

    Hello, my ex and I have been on and off twice, this is the third time and this time it was different, he ghosted me and he didn’t block me because I sent him a text two weeks after we stopped talking and it went through. He didn’t reply. A week after we stopped talking I found out he is dating someone else. I know I should give up on us but I love this man. I am not contacting him or anything since he didn’t reply. We don’t have each other on any social media. Last time we broke thing off, he came back after three months. I want to text him to just let him know I still care and miss him. That might sound dumb since he clearly moved on. I don’t know if reaching out is even an option or what I should do.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 16, 2020 at 9:40 pm

      Hi Vanessa, if you want to attempt to get your ex back then following a No Contact along with working on yourself in that time is best before reaching out for the first time, but I would say if you want to get your ex back you are going to have to reach out to break the ice at least to see if your ex is going to be willing to speak to you even for short positive conversations in the beginning.

  7. Cadie

    October 6, 2020 at 2:18 am

    Me and my ex dated for about 5months. It was long distance but he would come home most weekends to see me and his family. We met through friends and the sparks flew. It was almost to good to be true. We never fought about anything, and were always happy to be together. But he had previously been in a very serious relationship about 3 months before we met, and I always had a feeling he wasn’t over her. But he seamed really happy and I fell for him fast. He broke up with me because he couldn’t come home to see me anymore. I later found out “he wasn’t ready for anything and lost feeling.” After I confronted him I said I didn’t want to be friends anymore and asked to just leave me alone. It’s been 3 weeks now and I still really care about him and would like to at least be friends again.

  8. Rhea

    September 5, 2020 at 7:40 am

    I had a crush on my university. I started a conversation to him after I completed graduation. I told I loved him and he too said I was a crush then we had a deep love however after a month, he avoid me and he was telling he was in love with another girl.I asked why you don’t tell me, he simply said all we done in just a friendzone. What do I do??????

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 5, 2020 at 8:04 pm

      Hi Rhea, start with a no contact for 45 days and follow the program. Read articles about the being there method

  9. Louise

    May 26, 2020 at 2:11 pm

    Hi, was seeing a guy for 3 months and everything was going fine. We were not officially in a couple. He was so nice to me and always asked me when can I meet up again (which was every weekend for the 3 months) and we texted every day. After the last time I seen him we were planning on going to the cinema the next weekend. He then texted me 3 days later saying he feels like something is missing and is telling me this so as not to waste my time (even this was nice as opposed to ghosting me which is so common these days)?? He still wants to be ‘friends’..

    This was a week ago so 7 days NC and I am planning on continuing this way for the 30 days but afraid he will move on and forget about me..but I cant stop thinking about him

  10. Anonymous

    April 22, 2020 at 7:07 pm

    I’m about half way through a 30 day no contact, and have come up with a plan for first contact afterwards as I’m pretty sure he won’t contact me either during or after no contact. However I’m a little stuck on what to do if the first contact goes well. Do I continue with the chris’ methods for future conversations, or do I go back to just ‘hey how are you?’ texts after a bit? Thanks.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 25, 2020 at 10:32 am

      Hey there no you need to keep to these methods for the first few reach outs as they are going to get him talking and capture his interest the small talk comes naturally when you have had a few positive conversations with your ex.

  11. Lisa

    April 1, 2020 at 3:14 pm

    I did a 30 day NC. Texted my ex first & it was a positive response, so now I’m waiting a couple more days to send another text convo but im so nervous i dont know what to text. When can i send memory texts and when is the appropriate timeframe to schedule a meetup?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 2, 2020 at 4:04 pm

      Hi Lisa, so the meet up stage should be a few weeks down the line. Watch this video Chris speaks of the value ladder and the value chain. This is crucial information to take on board regards to getting an ex back.

  12. Samantha

    January 21, 2020 at 6:09 pm

    He’s 49 and I am 48. He was never married, no kids, I am divorced with 2 grown up students living on their own. We had a 5months relationship which started passionately. The last two months were however very tense due to his extreme jealousy and irritability over the smallest thing. He left a week before my children joined me for Xmas and gave me for reason that he wanted to build a family and have kids. I was always very honest about Not willing to go that way so was surprised he took so long to change mind about the relationship. I took the break up in a very calm way and started immediately no contact. A week after the NC he sent me a small text warning me of some slides where I usually run and just saying to be careful. I politely replied without anything else. Strict NC since then which is 5 weeks now. He didn’t wish Xmas nor NY. I changed my Whatsapp pic after that and next day he changed his one. Didn’t wish his birthday and next day he unmatched me from the dating site we met. I can only guess he is angry. I don’t know what to do now…. I have the impression that the reason for the break up was just an excuse and that he was somehow confused and didn’t know what he really wants. However, he’s very stubborn and didn’t contact me at all. Please advice…. Shall I break NC or still wait?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 22, 2020 at 8:50 pm

      Hey Samantha as it has been 5 weeks yes you can break no contact and reach out to him, but make sure it is a text like Chirs suggests

  13. Maria

    January 13, 2020 at 10:02 pm

    My boyfriend and I were together 1.5 years (long-distance, but we managed to see each other 1-2 per month and talked on FaceTime every day). His mom passed away a couple of months ago, and last month he said he needed “time” (seems he’s telling his friends “a break”). He’s having a hard time with the grief and says he can’t do long distance “right now,” (also, he’s been getting pressure from family and friends to move and marry me, even though I don’t bring those things up at all). We haven’t talked in 4 weeks, except for a quick Merry Christmas back and forth where he said he was thinking of me.
    What next???

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 13, 2020 at 10:37 pm

      Hi Maria. Who is pressuring him, his family or yours? If its yours you MUST tell them to stop this immediately it is not going to help you. At the moment he has lost someone who is really important to him, the grieving stage is going to be really difficult and he probably feels the can not give the long distance relationship the work it needs to be in a good place. How long were you planning on being long distance? Was there a near future plan to be together? You need to do some work on Ungettable and then read about the No Contact and what it is you need to do to get him back.

  14. Kath

    January 11, 2020 at 11:21 pm

    It’s been 3 months of no contact ( he ended things with me ) seems he started to suffer with drinking & depression & stress.
    We decided to block eachother it’s been roughly a week now since we’ve both unblocked eachother but neither of us have text. I notice he doesn’t post anything on social media anymore so not sure if his in a better place, working on himself or his still down. I would love to reach out to see how he is and if we can be civil but I’m scared how to reach out? What should I do.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 13, 2020 at 11:54 pm

      Hey Kath if you want him back then you need to reach out first, and use on of the styles that Chris suggests in his texting articles to help get the conversation flowing

  15. Mai

    November 1, 2019 at 1:36 am

    I talked with a guy 1.5 years ago for 6 months before went out on the date. A few days later, he said I am not the right one. So, we ended our relationship. We didn’t contact each other at all. Then, this Feb I met him again at work. We reconnected again via facebook message for 4 months before we decided to meet up. After we met, I feel distance but still talking mornally. Until lately, he was gone for 2 weeks. When he came back, he said he was busy and seeing someone serious lately. What should I do? I don’t even know how to reply his message.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 1, 2019 at 11:12 pm

      Hey Mai, so this situation where you have not had a serious relationship so all you can do is attempt to do the being there method in hope he will continue to talk to you while he is in this relationship with the other person. Read up on the being there method and give him a NC of 45 days to get over the honeymoon phase

  16. Yvonne

    September 7, 2019 at 2:57 pm

    I really appreciate the effort from ex boyfriend recovery. I am in the same boat and I am learning a lot that I did not know. Hope it work on my ex boyfriend of four year whom we broke four years ago. Thanks for the info

    1. Chris Seiter

      September 9, 2019 at 8:11 pm

      Thank you so much Yvonne!

  17. Kyle Novak

    September 5, 2019 at 11:01 am

    My ex and I have been broken up for about 6 weeks , he messaged me week 5 on my birthday. The message was very misleading “Happy Birthday , hope you have a great day and even better year ahead. Welcome to 28 , mister!” So I waited all day to respond cause it was nice to see , but also hard to see . So all I said was “Thank you , making some really good progress”.
    So he is thinking of me one way or another . What is appropriate thing to say now after NC and reaching out . He made the first move . I’m stuck on what to say or should I wait a little longer?.

  18. Lisa

    August 8, 2019 at 1:03 am

    Hi Chris,

    I was with my boyfriend for 2 years and we just broke up. There were no big issues, but we were just fading because of the long distance. He said he would always look out for me and love me when we broke up. It was mutual, but I wanted to hold on longer than he did. I know we have something, but we were long distance right now, and had issues with communication.

    But we will be in college within the next month. I am doing no contact right now, and there has not been any contact since the break up. I want to continue no contact until he reaches out, or until I feel good enough, but what do I do when we get back to college? It is a small campus and I will see him. Should I reach out to clear the air, or just wait until we run into each other?

  19. JJ

    July 13, 2019 at 9:11 am

    i was dating a guy for a month and he seemed to be really into it. Everyday messages and long conversations. So on the third date we spend the weekend together. No sex but lot of cuddling and making out. After returning from the weekend getaway, he suddenly pulled away. He did not text me. When i did, he would say he is busy. For a week i tried texting him and he would instantly respond saying he is held up. The last text i sent him was asking him if we could catch up for a bit over the weekend for which he would say there’s some work going on at his place and he is out. He also says “i am sorry i have been just running around”. I just responded saying no problem, we shall catch up once he is done with things. After that i did not hear from him. Two weeks later i sent him an email – a closure i gave it to myself. Now, i have this dying urge to contact him again. What should i do? Is he clearly uninterested? Oh God why does it seem so hard to understand

  20. Lauren

    March 24, 2019 at 6:04 am

    Hi Chris,

    What if we only dated for 2 wks.(i know its only 2 wks but i really like him). Things were going so well until i began acting insecure with questions. He became pretty upset as he felt that i was looking for validation and began to completely and deliberately ignore my texts. So i tot it was over but he texted me after we stopped contact for 3 wks. ( i didnt even know we were in NC, i just tot its over) since he could completely ignore me, i just assumed he deleted my contact. If u can ignore me like that, i would never think i would hear from him again.

    Therefore, i was completely taken by surprise so my first reaction was to text back and asked if he had texted the wrong person. He said no and told me he was down with flu so i just told him to drink lots of water, go see a doc and take good care of himself. He ended with telling me he’s going to drink soup and watch netflix and i never replied back. So that was a week ago and i have not heard from him till now.

    I realised it was my fault things turned bad. I should not have to ask for validation from anyone at all. But i’m not perfect and i’m always learning to be a better version of myself. I told him in my last text to him that if he doesnt cherish what little we’ve built between us, let it go. And there was complete silence for 3 wks until he texted me last wk.

    Does what i’ve done above showed that i’m no longer insecure? I’ve deleted his contact. There is no way i can contact him ever again.
    Do u think i will hear from him again or he has prob. deleted me since he felt that i was already over him? (asking him if he had texted the wrong person)

    Pls help and thanks sooo much

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