“NC is so difficult.”
“I don’t think I can finish NC.”
“Can I do 21 days instead of 30 (or 45) days?”
“What if he forgets me during NC?”
You may even try to convince yourself that 21 days is what you should do, instead of 30.
Fortunately, everyone in the group is pretty is empathetic since many women had gone through a similar experience. But then you reach a certain point where you start cruising along your no contact. So for now, I say to you:
Think of it as going on a run.
Maybe you tell yourself, “I’m really tired today, and I don’t feel like going on a run.”
But then another voice says, “You’re an UG. And UGs take care of their health.”
Health, wealth, and relationships, remember?
So, you grudgingly put on your workout clothes and head out the door to go for a run. You do some stretches, and start off with a slow jog. But as your body warms up, you pick up the pace, and before you know it, you are killing it! You start running faster, and at some point, the adrenaline kicks in, and you feel powerful. You feel as though you’re on top of the world.
That’s how the NC process is for many women.
At some point, you start to feel invincible. Strong. Powerful. Beautiful. As though you’re a completely different person than you were before
Nevertheless, you can’t run forever. At some point, you need to declare the end of your workout.
And so reality sets in, and you realize that your no contact days are coming to an end. That’s when the panic kicks in again for many women. They anxiously ask,
“HELP!!! What do I text my ex?”
Well, here’s what NOT to send:
Why isn’t this a good text to send?
Well, there is really nothing for your ex to sink his teeth into if he gets sent this.
So, you may be sitting there and finding yourself wondering, “now what?”
That’s exactly the issue we’re going to address today, broken down into the following steps:
- Plan and brainstorm
- Manage expectations and anxiety
- Send the text
- Let go and relax
Let’s dive right in.
PLAN AND BRAINSTORM
“If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.”
You may have heard that phrase before, and you think, “I’m planning! That’s why I’m reading this article on this website!”
Maybe you have even gone as far as to join our support group to get the insight of countless women going through the same thing you are.
Now, while the support group is great, here’s my question to you: Are you really planning and brainstorming?
All too often, I’ll see a post in our support group along the lines of:
“My NC is ending in three days! Help! What do I text him?”
What seems to be the problem here?
We do not know your ex. Who is this man? What is he like? What are his interests?
You were in a relationship with this person, so use that to benefit you on how you will text him, because you do have that advantage over other women!
At this point, I should also point out that if he has someone else in his life, don’t let it distract you from brainstorming and planning your texts! That is unproductive, because it will you make you want to reach out to him from a place of anxiety—and that is not at all a UG thing to do.
The Ungettable Girl is …
- and most importantly, a woman of high value
Remember that you need to make him see you as a high value woman, and reaching out in anger and/or anxiety is not something a woman of high value does. The best thing you can do is to focus on how to start a conversation with him.
During your no contact period, when you are calm, confident, and collected, here’s what you should do:
Think about what you know about your ex, and make a list of things that will engage him.
Notice I said HIM, not you. I see many women falling into the trap of wanting to talk to their exes about things that interest them, but not their ex.
Keep this in mind:
Stick to topics that will engage HIM, not you.
Take a few minutes, and consider the following question to help you get started:
What is he interested in?
It can be anything, such as cars, sports, books, art, music.
Alright, let’s say your ex loves music. He could even be a musician! Now, let’s take what we know another step further.
- What genre of music does he like?
- Who are his favorite musicians?
- What do I know about his favorite music?
- Does he enjoy going to concerts?
- Are there any upcoming music festivals near me that I can go to and use that as something to talk to him about?
Essentially, what can I ask him about music that will trigger his interest and lead him to respond to me?
The last part is important.
Honestly, this text is not that interesting.
I will explain further when talking about managing expectations and anxiety in the next part. But for now, compare the example above to the following:
For some women, their exes are responsive to opening lines such as, “You wouldn’t believe what happened!”
But I’ve also noticed that this technique doesn’t work all the time, and sometimes you need to engage the hero complex in him right off the bat.
This type of text is called the “Damsel in Distress.”
- Men want to fix problems.
- They want to help.
- They want to feel useful.
Tap into that.
The other advantage is that you are approaching and engaging him in a calm, non-threatening manner.
You are indirectly demonstrating to him that you are learning new things to improve yourself. It is always more important and effective to show someone that you have changed into the new and improved version of yourself than it is to tell someone that you have changed.
Think about it this way:
Imagine someone came up to you and said, “I have a million dollars in my bank account!” Would you believe this person?
You might want some proof, such as a bank account statement.
It’s the same idea with an ex.
Show, don’t tell.
MANAGING EXPECTATIONS AND ANXIETY
I think this is such an important aspect that should be discussed when it comes to starting a conversation with an ex, even if it’s not directly related to how you should start a conversation.
Take a moment to reflect:
What expectations do you have when it comes to talking to your ex post-NC?
Any time you think or say,
“But this is what we used to do,”
Then you are not managing your expectations. Remember that for whatever reason, you are now the ex, and you are no longer a priority when it comes to replying to text messages.
If the break-up was for a particularly bad reason (say, you cheated), then that is all the more reason you are less of a priority.
The idea of re-attraction is to become your ex’s priority again.
It is completely understandable to feel anxious or upset about not hearing back from an ex. But that is exactly what you need to work on. You need to realize that you have NO CONTROL over the other person or the situation. You’re Ungettable Girl and you have better things to do than to be anxious!
SENDING THE TEXT
Have you ever turned in an exam or an assignment without first checking to make sure you have written down your name and answered every question to the best of your ability?
The answer is probably a resounding yes.
What happened in those instances?
Did you get a good grade? Or did you get back your assignment and exam and think, “I should’ve spent more time going through this more thoroughly.”
That’s precisely how you should think of the text you are about to send to your ex.
- Draft a text
- Edit the text
- Proofread the text
- Send the text
From what I’ve seen, the “first draft” of a text is typically not the text you want to send out to your ex.
More often than not, it’s verbose and people fall into the trap of asking too many questions.
Using the guitar example, here to illustrate what I mean:
That’s a first draft, and here are reasons I think you shouldn’t send out a text like this:
- It is a long text
- There are three questions in that text
- It reveals your anxiety and neediness
That text example was 64 words.
You may think, “But that’s how I text everyone! And that’s how we used to text!”
But the idea of NC is to erase the negative feelings your ex had about you, and this is of utmost important if you were a text GNAT!
FYI GNAT Means = Going Nuts At Texting (generally immediately after a breakup)
That’s why if you were a big text GNAT, 45 days is usually the recommended duration for NC – to allow your ex the time to forget the bad memories of how you blew up his phone!
And maybe even showed up on his front door!
Now is the time to build a new image of you in his eyes.
Whether or not you want to face the truth, reading long texts is an investment.
“But it’s a text from me! How can he not care?!”
Because you are now the ex, and you are trying to move up the value chain again.
The text example above was loaded with questions, and overwhelming to read. Furthermore, some of the questions were what I would term “low-value questions.”
As an example, “The sunburst color looks so cool, don’t you think?”
If I received that, chances are I would think, “So, what? What’s your point?” It sounds harsh, but these are some things you’ll have to consider when editing your text.
You want to ask:
How would it make him feel? How would I feel receiving a text like that from someone I’m not interested in? What if someone on Tinder sent me that?
I’m not saying your ex isn’t interested in you anymore, but it’s often helpful to evaluate the text critically because you want to come up with the best possible text to reach out with.
When you read that text, it is LOADED with information that is pointless and somewhat overwhelming.
A text like that would tell me that you are only reaching out to find something—anything—to say to him. It may even alert him that you are up to something—that you are trying to get him back.
Chances are that our exes do suspect that we’re trying to get them back when we reach out after NC. However, you want to be subtle about it—you want to re-attract this person, not scare him off!
For the above reasons, I am a big advocate of drafting and editing your texts before sending them out. The Facebook group is usually a great place to post your text drafts so you can get ideas and opinions about your text before you send it out.
But I also want you to keep this in mind: The Facebook Support Group is excellent, but at some point, you want to learn how to engage your ex on your own. My advice is to keep thinking and drafting texts on your own, and learn through the comments posted by the women. It is unfortunate that a lot of women want to rely completely on someone else to do the hard work for them.
The group is there to help you learn how to become better at texting your ex, or even men in general. Use that to your advantage to improve!
Now, once you have a good text ready to be sent out, what do you do?
That’s it. Hit the button. Send it out.
And then take a deep breath.
Once you have sent it out, put your phone away and do something else.
Meet a friend.
Take a run.
Read a book.
Grab a drink.
You have done the best you can, and now you deserve to relax.