“NC is so difficult.”

“I don’t think I can finish NC.”

“Can I do 21 days instead of 30 (or 45) days?”

“What if he forgets me during NC?”

These are the most common concerns that many women express on our private support group, especially those who are new and have just started the No Contact process.

You may even try to convince yourself that 21 days is what you should do, instead of 30.

Fortunately, everyone in the group is pretty is empathetic since many women had gone through a similar experience. But then you reach a certain point where you start cruising along your no contact. So for now, I say to you:

Think of it as going on a run.

Maybe you tell yourself, “I’m really tired today, and I don’t feel like going on a run.”

But then another voice says, “You’re an UG. And UGs take care of their health.”

Health, wealth, and relationships, remember?

So, you grudgingly put on your workout clothes and head out the door to go for a run. You do some stretches, and start off with a slow jog. But as your body warms up, you pick up the pace, and before you know it, you are killing it! You start running faster, and at some point, the adrenaline kicks in, and you feel powerful. You feel as though you’re on top of the world.

That’s how the NC process is for many women.

At some point, you start to feel invincible. Strong. Powerful. Beautiful. As though you’re a completely different person than you were before

Nevertheless, you can’t run forever. At some point, you need to declare the end of your workout.

And so reality sets in, and you realize that your no contact days are coming to an end. That’s when the panic kicks in again for many women. They anxiously ask,

“HELP!!! What do I text my ex?”

Well, here’s what NOT to send:

Why isn’t this a good text to send?

Well, there is really nothing for your ex to sink his teeth into if he gets sent this.

So, you may be sitting there and finding yourself wondering, “now what?”

That’s exactly the issue we’re going to address today, broken down into the following steps:

  • Plan and brainstorm
  • Manage expectations and anxiety
  • Send the text
  • Let go and relax

Let’s dive right in.

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PLAN AND BRAINSTORM

“If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.”

You may have heard that phrase before, and you think, “I’m planning! That’s why I’m reading this article on this website!”

Maybe you have even gone as far as to join our support group to get the insight of countless women going through the same thing you are.

Now, while the support group is great, here’s my question to you: Are you really planning and brainstorming?

All too often, I’ll see a post in our support group along the lines of:

“My NC is ending in three days! Help! What do I text him?”

What seems to be the problem here?

We do not know your ex. Who is this man? What is he like? What are his interests?

You were in a relationship with this person, so use that to benefit you on how you will text him, because you do have that advantage over other women!

At this point, I should also point out that if he has someone else in his life, don’t let it distract you from brainstorming and planning your texts! That is unproductive, because it will you make you want to reach out to him from a place of anxiety—and that is not at all a UG thing to do.

The Ungettable Girl is …

  • confident;
  • composed;
  • and most importantly, a woman of high value

Remember that you need to make him see you as a high value woman, and reaching out in anger and/or anxiety is not something a woman of high value does. The best thing you can do is to focus on how to start a conversation with him.

During your no contact period, when you are calm, confident, and collected, here’s what you should do:

Think about what you know about your ex, and make a list of things that will engage him.

Notice I said HIM, not you. I see many women falling into the trap of wanting to talk to their exes about things that interest them, but not their ex.

Keep this in mind:

Stick to topics that will engage HIM, not you.

Take a few minutes, and consider the following question to help you get started:

What is he interested in?

It can be anything, such as cars, sports, books, art, music.

Alright, let’s say your ex loves music. He could even be a musician! Now, let’s take what we know another step further.

  • What genre of music does he like?
  • Who are his favorite musicians?
  • What do I know about his favorite music?
  • Does he enjoy going to concerts?
  • Are there any upcoming music festivals near me that I can go to and use that as something to talk to him about?

Essentially, what can I ask him about music that will trigger his interest and lead him to respond to me?

The last part is important.

Example 1:

Honestly, this text is not that interesting.

I will explain further when talking about managing expectations and anxiety in the next part. But for now, compare the example above to the following:

Example 2:

OR,

For some women, their exes are responsive to opening lines such as, “You wouldn’t believe what happened!”

But I’ve also noticed that this technique doesn’t work all the time, and sometimes you need to engage the hero complex in him right off the bat.

This type of text is called the “Damsel in Distress.”

  • Men want to fix problems.
  • They want to help.
  • They want to feel useful.

Tap into that.

The other advantage is that you are approaching and engaging him in a calm, non-threatening manner.

You are indirectly demonstrating to him that you are learning new things to improve yourself. It is always more important and effective to show someone that you have changed into the new and improved version of yourself than it is to tell someone that you have changed.

Think about it this way:

Imagine someone came up to you and said, “I have a million dollars in my bank account!” Would you believe this person?

Probably not.

You might want some proof, such as a bank account statement.

It’s the same idea with an ex.

Show, don’t tell.

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MANAGING EXPECTATIONS AND ANXIETY

I think this is such an important aspect that should be discussed when it comes to starting a conversation with an ex, even if it’s not directly related to how you should start a conversation.

Take a moment to reflect:

What expectations do you have when it comes to talking to your ex post-NC?

Any time you think or say,

“But this is what we used to do,”

Then you are not managing your expectations. Remember that for whatever reason, you are now the ex, and you are no longer a priority when it comes to replying to text messages.

If the break-up was for a particularly bad reason (say, you cheated), then that is all the more reason you are less of a priority.

The idea of re-attraction is to become your ex’s priority again.

It is completely understandable to feel anxious or upset about not hearing back from an ex. But that is exactly what you need to work on. You need to realize that you have NO CONTROL over the other person or the situation. You’re Ungettable Girl and you have better things to do than to be anxious!

SENDING THE TEXT

Have you ever turned in an exam or an assignment without first checking to make sure you have written down your name and answered every question to the best of your ability?

The answer is probably a resounding yes.

What happened in those instances?

Did you get a good grade? Or did you get back your assignment and exam and think, “I should’ve spent more time going through this more thoroughly.”

That’s precisely how you should think of the text you are about to send to your ex.

  • Draft a text
  • Edit the text
  • Proofread the text
  • Send the text

From what I’ve seen, the “first draft” of a text is typically not the text you want to send out to your ex.

More often than not, it’s verbose and people fall into the trap of asking too many questions.

Using the guitar example, here to illustrate what I mean:

Whoa.

That’s a first draft, and here are reasons I think you shouldn’t send out a text like this:

  • It is a long text
  • There are three questions in that text
  • It reveals your anxiety and neediness

That text example was 64 words.

You may think, “But that’s how I text everyone! And that’s how we used to text!”

But the idea of NC is to erase the negative feelings your ex had about you, and this is of utmost important if you were a text GNAT!

FYI GNAT Means = Going Nuts At Texting (generally immediately after a breakup)

That’s why if you were a big text GNAT, 45 days is usually the recommended duration for NC – to allow your ex the time to forget the bad memories of how you blew up his phone!

And called!

And maybe even showed up on his front door!

Now is the time to build a new image of you in his eyes.

Whether or not you want to face the truth, reading long texts is an investment.

“But it’s a text from me! How can he not care?!”

Because you are now the ex, and you are trying to move up the value chain again.

The text example above was loaded with questions, and overwhelming to read. Furthermore, some of the questions were what I would term “low-value questions.”

As an example, “The sunburst color looks so cool, don’t you think?”

If I received that, chances are I would think, “So, what? What’s your point?” It sounds harsh, but these are some things you’ll have to consider when editing your text.

You want to ask:

How would it make him feel? How would I feel receiving a text like that from someone I’m not interested in? What if someone on Tinder sent me that?

I’m not saying your ex isn’t interested in you anymore, but it’s often helpful to evaluate the text critically because you want to come up with the best possible text to reach out with.

When you read that text, it is LOADED with information that is pointless and somewhat overwhelming.

A text like that would tell me that you are only reaching out to find something—anything—to say to him. It may even alert him that you are up to something—that you are trying to get him back.

Chances are that our exes do suspect that we’re trying to get them back when we reach out after NC. However, you want to be subtle about it—you want to re-attract this person, not scare him off!

For the above reasons, I am a big advocate of drafting and editing your texts before sending them out. The Facebook group is usually a great place to post your text drafts so you can get ideas and opinions about your text before you send it out.

But I also want you to keep this in mind: The Facebook Support Group is excellent, but at some point, you want to learn how to engage your ex on your own. My advice is to keep thinking and drafting texts on your own, and learn through the comments posted by the women. It is unfortunate that a lot of women want to rely completely on someone else to do the hard work for them.

The group is there to help you learn how to become better at texting your ex, or even men in general. Use that to your advantage to improve!

Now, once you have a good text ready to be sent out, what do you do?

HIT SEND.

That’s it. Hit the button. Send it out.

And then take a deep breath.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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LET GO

Once you have sent it out, put your phone away and do something else.

Meet a friend.

Take a run.

Read a book.

Grab a drink.

You have done the best you can, and now you deserve to relax.

 

What to Read Next

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151 thoughts on “How To Properly Start A Conversation With Your Ex After No Contact”

  1. Avatar

    Anonymous

    April 22, 2020 at 7:07 pm

    Hi,
    I’m about half way through a 30 day no contact, and have come up with a plan for first contact afterwards as I’m pretty sure he won’t contact me either during or after no contact. However I’m a little stuck on what to do if the first contact goes well. Do I continue with the chris’ methods for future conversations, or do I go back to just ‘hey how are you?’ texts after a bit? Thanks.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 25, 2020 at 10:32 am

      Hey there no you need to keep to these methods for the first few reach outs as they are going to get him talking and capture his interest the small talk comes naturally when you have had a few positive conversations with your ex.

  2. Avatar

    Lisa

    April 1, 2020 at 3:14 pm

    I did a 30 day NC. Texted my ex first & it was a positive response, so now I’m waiting a couple more days to send another text convo but im so nervous i dont know what to text. When can i send memory texts and when is the appropriate timeframe to schedule a meetup?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 2, 2020 at 4:04 pm

      Hi Lisa, so the meet up stage should be a few weeks down the line. Watch this video Chris speaks of the value ladder and the value chain. This is crucial information to take on board regards to getting an ex back. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOcCYp3yyNw&t=31s

  3. Avatar

    Samantha

    January 21, 2020 at 6:09 pm

    He’s 49 and I am 48. He was never married, no kids, I am divorced with 2 grown up students living on their own. We had a 5months relationship which started passionately. The last two months were however very tense due to his extreme jealousy and irritability over the smallest thing. He left a week before my children joined me for Xmas and gave me for reason that he wanted to build a family and have kids. I was always very honest about Not willing to go that way so was surprised he took so long to change mind about the relationship. I took the break up in a very calm way and started immediately no contact. A week after the NC he sent me a small text warning me of some slides where I usually run and just saying to be careful. I politely replied without anything else. Strict NC since then which is 5 weeks now. He didn’t wish Xmas nor NY. I changed my Whatsapp pic after that and next day he changed his one. Didn’t wish his birthday and next day he unmatched me from the dating site we met. I can only guess he is angry. I don’t know what to do now…. I have the impression that the reason for the break up was just an excuse and that he was somehow confused and didn’t know what he really wants. However, he’s very stubborn and didn’t contact me at all. Please advice…. Shall I break NC or still wait?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 22, 2020 at 8:50 pm

      Hey Samantha as it has been 5 weeks yes you can break no contact and reach out to him, but make sure it is a text like Chirs suggests

  4. Avatar

    Maria

    January 13, 2020 at 10:02 pm

    My boyfriend and I were together 1.5 years (long-distance, but we managed to see each other 1-2 per month and talked on FaceTime every day). His mom passed away a couple of months ago, and last month he said he needed “time” (seems he’s telling his friends “a break”). He’s having a hard time with the grief and says he can’t do long distance “right now,” (also, he’s been getting pressure from family and friends to move and marry me, even though I don’t bring those things up at all). We haven’t talked in 4 weeks, except for a quick Merry Christmas back and forth where he said he was thinking of me.
    What next???

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 13, 2020 at 10:37 pm

      Hi Maria. Who is pressuring him, his family or yours? If its yours you MUST tell them to stop this immediately it is not going to help you. At the moment he has lost someone who is really important to him, the grieving stage is going to be really difficult and he probably feels the can not give the long distance relationship the work it needs to be in a good place. How long were you planning on being long distance? Was there a near future plan to be together? You need to do some work on Ungettable and then read about the No Contact and what it is you need to do to get him back.

  5. Avatar

    Kath

    January 11, 2020 at 11:21 pm

    It’s been 3 months of no contact ( he ended things with me ) seems he started to suffer with drinking & depression & stress.
    We decided to block eachother it’s been roughly a week now since we’ve both unblocked eachother but neither of us have text. I notice he doesn’t post anything on social media anymore so not sure if his in a better place, working on himself or his still down. I would love to reach out to see how he is and if we can be civil but I’m scared how to reach out? What should I do.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 13, 2020 at 11:54 pm

      Hey Kath if you want him back then you need to reach out first, and use on of the styles that Chris suggests in his texting articles to help get the conversation flowing

  6. Avatar

    Mai

    November 1, 2019 at 1:36 am

    I talked with a guy 1.5 years ago for 6 months before went out on the date. A few days later, he said I am not the right one. So, we ended our relationship. We didn’t contact each other at all. Then, this Feb I met him again at work. We reconnected again via facebook message for 4 months before we decided to meet up. After we met, I feel distance but still talking mornally. Until lately, he was gone for 2 weeks. When he came back, he said he was busy and seeing someone serious lately. What should I do? I don’t even know how to reply his message.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 1, 2019 at 11:12 pm

      Hey Mai, so this situation where you have not had a serious relationship so all you can do is attempt to do the being there method in hope he will continue to talk to you while he is in this relationship with the other person. Read up on the being there method and give him a NC of 45 days to get over the honeymoon phase

  7. Avatar

    Yvonne

    September 7, 2019 at 2:57 pm

    I really appreciate the effort from ex boyfriend recovery. I am in the same boat and I am learning a lot that I did not know. Hope it work on my ex boyfriend of four year whom we broke four years ago. Thanks for the info

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 9, 2019 at 8:11 pm

      Thank you so much Yvonne!

  8. Avatar

    Kyle Novak

    September 5, 2019 at 11:01 am

    My ex and I have been broken up for about 6 weeks , he messaged me week 5 on my birthday. The message was very misleading “Happy Birthday , hope you have a great day and even better year ahead. Welcome to 28 , mister!” So I waited all day to respond cause it was nice to see , but also hard to see . So all I said was “Thank you , making some really good progress”.
    So he is thinking of me one way or another . What is appropriate thing to say now after NC and reaching out . He made the first move . I’m stuck on what to say or should I wait a little longer?.

  9. Avatar

    Lisa

    August 8, 2019 at 1:03 am

    Hi Chris,

    I was with my boyfriend for 2 years and we just broke up. There were no big issues, but we were just fading because of the long distance. He said he would always look out for me and love me when we broke up. It was mutual, but I wanted to hold on longer than he did. I know we have something, but we were long distance right now, and had issues with communication.

    But we will be in college within the next month. I am doing no contact right now, and there has not been any contact since the break up. I want to continue no contact until he reaches out, or until I feel good enough, but what do I do when we get back to college? It is a small campus and I will see him. Should I reach out to clear the air, or just wait until we run into each other?

  10. Avatar

    JJ

    July 13, 2019 at 9:11 am

    i was dating a guy for a month and he seemed to be really into it. Everyday messages and long conversations. So on the third date we spend the weekend together. No sex but lot of cuddling and making out. After returning from the weekend getaway, he suddenly pulled away. He did not text me. When i did, he would say he is busy. For a week i tried texting him and he would instantly respond saying he is held up. The last text i sent him was asking him if we could catch up for a bit over the weekend for which he would say there’s some work going on at his place and he is out. He also says “i am sorry i have been just running around”. I just responded saying no problem, we shall catch up once he is done with things. After that i did not hear from him. Two weeks later i sent him an email – a closure i gave it to myself. Now, i have this dying urge to contact him again. What should i do? Is he clearly uninterested? Oh God why does it seem so hard to understand

  11. Avatar

    Lauren

    March 24, 2019 at 6:04 am

    Hi Chris,

    What if we only dated for 2 wks.(i know its only 2 wks but i really like him). Things were going so well until i began acting insecure with questions. He became pretty upset as he felt that i was looking for validation and began to completely and deliberately ignore my texts. So i tot it was over but he texted me after we stopped contact for 3 wks. ( i didnt even know we were in NC, i just tot its over) since he could completely ignore me, i just assumed he deleted my contact. If u can ignore me like that, i would never think i would hear from him again.

    Therefore, i was completely taken by surprise so my first reaction was to text back and asked if he had texted the wrong person. He said no and told me he was down with flu so i just told him to drink lots of water, go see a doc and take good care of himself. He ended with telling me he’s going to drink soup and watch netflix and i never replied back. So that was a week ago and i have not heard from him till now.

    I realised it was my fault things turned bad. I should not have to ask for validation from anyone at all. But i’m not perfect and i’m always learning to be a better version of myself. I told him in my last text to him that if he doesnt cherish what little we’ve built between us, let it go. And there was complete silence for 3 wks until he texted me last wk.

    Does what i’ve done above showed that i’m no longer insecure? I’ve deleted his contact. There is no way i can contact him ever again.
    Do u think i will hear from him again or he has prob. deleted me since he felt that i was already over him? (asking him if he had texted the wrong person)

    Pls help and thanks sooo much

  12. Avatar

    Syntia

    March 19, 2019 at 4:22 pm

    Hi, my ex and i ended on not so good terms. We we’re seeing eachother for 4 months but then he cheated and i send him an angry text in which he didn’t reply. Thats how things ended between us. After couple of days i sent him another text asking how he is on which he replied and we exchanged a few texts. After 2/3 day i texted him againg asking about something regarding the last conversation we had, he replied again, but when i asked him if he is going out that night he stopped. After two or so weeks of not seeing eachother at all or talking i texted him again just asking how he is and he didnt reply. At the time i think he was seeing someone else. Then a two weeks back we bump into eachother in a club but we both turned our head away and didnt say anyhing. Now i find myself constantly thinking about him and even want to text him but i dont want to look like im pushing anything or that i’m needy and desperate, and he is out there having fun and not thinking aboit me at all. I’m also scared that i’ll be rejected again, i want him to text me back and to reconnect with eachother, but the thing is i dont know what to say to him. Please help

  13. Avatar

    Claire

    March 19, 2019 at 8:54 am

    Hi, i’m not sure if i should finsh the nc, it’s been nearly 2 months, but im scared of the thought what he’ll might think if i text him. He cheated and sent an angry text on which he didn’t reply and it ended, then i texted him after couple of days to see how he is doing and he replied. It was only a few text and then two days later a texted him again and he replied again. And then nothing for two weeks and i texted again saying how is he on which he didnt reply anything. We saw eachother few weekend later but we both didnt said anything (he was with a girl and i was with my friends, but we both turned our heads). And now its been almost two months and i find myself thinking aboit him every single day and decided that i want to text him, but im bot sure if i should or what should i say? I dont want to look like im pushing it like i dont understand that is been a while and we didnt ended on such a nice terms, if he doesnt want to talk to me, but on the other hand i want to be with him and want to try to establish a connection again. So what should i do?

  14. Avatar

    Erica

    January 8, 2019 at 1:10 am

    I messaged my ex after no contact it’s been 3 months. I said something that made me think of him and asked how he was. He said good and asked how I’ve been and I said good and told him about my apartment and new car. He said look at you that’s so cool I’m happy you’ve been doing good. I said thank you and he said my place looks nice and that I probably save a lot on gas with the car. I said I didn’t care about the gas just that it has Bluetooth! But sometimes has me dancing and forgetting my speed. He stopped responding. What does this mean? Should I let it go?

  15. Avatar

    Alexandra

    November 29, 2018 at 2:16 am

    Ive completed NC for about 35 days and it has been super successful. I texted my ex and got a positive response, and then i ended the conversation by saying i was busy and had to run. Do I wait for him to text me the next time or do i start another conversation?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      November 29, 2018 at 3:34 am

      Hi Alexandra! Things are looking up! If you have not picked up my 485 page eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro”, please consider it as it goes into all the granularity and detail you are asking about. He may reach out and if so slowly build the convo. But if he doesn’t then the try again in the next day or so.

  16. Avatar

    Tyne

    October 20, 2018 at 7:05 pm

    I am day 7 on NC. My ex has been contacting my sister and he has now neglected his health and resorted to heavily drinking. My sister has been giving me pressure to talk to him cz he was getting out of hand. It’s a long distance relationship. Have been dating for 6 mths. Decided to employ NC because he has been very ignorant to my chats recently. When I asked him he said I should not worry bt should bare in mind that he will b busy. It never used to b like that before because no matter how busy we would b our chats were flowing. The mother of his children has been contacting him making excuses for him to go and see the baby at times they will b genuine at times not genuine and they end up fighting. Thought he needed space to decide what he needs to do because they separated months ago before we started dating. We both have our own children.i really love him and I don’t want to lose him during NC. How long can I do my NC period.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 22, 2018 at 4:05 am

      Hi Tyne!

      Space can be good for all involved. I would suggest if you want to maximize the impact of No Contact you consider picking up my core eBook or my Special Topic ebook (The No Contact Rule Book) so you are up to speed on all of this.

  17. Avatar

    Fari

    September 30, 2018 at 5:13 pm

    Hi,
    I was completed my no contact then i sent him a text he replied me.then when i was sent a texts he replied me but he never send msg to me first he always replied but not initiate conversation. Sometime reply me soon some time later.What i do? Why he not initiate conversation?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 1, 2018 at 3:31 am

      Hi Fari!

      Best to build some attraction through the methods I talk about slowly over time. Your text strategy won’t always be successful on every level. And patience is needed to really figure out if there is a connection that can get serious.

  18. Avatar

    Anita

    August 17, 2018 at 7:27 pm

    Help! Things just got worse!
    I posted a comment on my facebook making it look like i had today. My ex read a different meaning into it and he texted me and called me only to tell me he hates me, used alot of hurtful words includin “to hell with your fake love, your not sorry”

    And he threatened to block me everywhere

    I cheated on him, what can i do

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 17, 2018 at 9:05 pm

      Well, Anita….you ex is being very hateful and abusive. So right now, I would remain in no contact and if you have not already done so, pick up my eBook (Pro) so you have the best practices available to you going forward.

  19. Avatar

    Anita

    August 17, 2018 at 2:57 am

    Hi
    For example, my ex is nuts about chocolates
    So is this fit for a text after NC

    “Hi, hope all’s good, I’m about returning from my vacation to Dubai so I decided to get some chocolates but I’m stuck choosing a flavour, Toblerones or Mars?

    How is that for a start

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 17, 2018 at 2:01 pm

      I like that text Anita…..good job! Save that one and think of some others or utilize my ebook, “The Texting Bible” to help you construct text messages you can use after the NC period.

  20. Avatar

    Lily

    August 14, 2018 at 6:30 am

    Hello, I know my ex for two years, he’s so calm but the problem is when he feel bad or anything is bothering him he just disappear!! Not calling or texting or saying anything to me and it may take from 3 to 4 days then after he texted or call me back.. we talk about and he said when he feel like that he likes to be quiet.. but it’s becoming more often like that especially before we broke up!! He just texted me saying we need a break just for the summer so I can build my energy again.. after 9 days texting asking about me and saying he travel.. we have been broke up like two months and half now, but during the last texting from him I have been ignoring him about 40 days now.. I focused about my self and everything, but I scared that he didn’t text or talking to!!
    The only way to reach him on phone or wats up only..
    thanks .

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