Today we’re going to be talking about something that a lot of people ask me about and that is, “What is my ex feeling during a no contact rule.”

Now, if you don’t know what a no contact rule is, I have plenty of resources on my website, YouTube channel and podcast describing what that actually is.

But to give you a quick crash course,

A no contact rule is simply a period of time, where you’re ignoring your ex on purpose.

Now, this creates a lot of questions, especially around if it’s effective or not, and what happens when it is effective.

How does your ex act?

What are they feeling?

Well, that’s what this presentation is about today.

A Quick Word Before We Get Started

Now, before we get started there are a couple of things that I think you should do if you’re a newbie and you’re trying to get your ex back.

The first thing is to actually stop by my website Ex Boyfriend Recovery and take my ex recovery chances quiz.

It’s a simple two minute quiz that I put together that will ask you a lot of questions about your situation, when your breakup was and the circumstances around your breakup. Using that information I can actually put it through an advanced algorithm to give you an idea of what kind of chance you have of getting your ex back.

So, if you want to take that quiz all you simply have to do is go to my website or click the button below.

 

All right, let’s get started and talk about what your ex is feeling during a no contact rule.

The Five Stages Of Feelings During The No Contact Rule

When I was brainstorming how to present this information to you, I came up with kind of, an interesting idea and that was, breaking up the feelings that your ex is feeling into five distinct stages.

Almost like the five stages of grief, but in this case it’s going to be the five stages of “feeling” in no contact.

So, assuming a no contact rule is working on your ex, you’re implementing it, you’re staying disciplined, you’re not making any mistakes in breaking the no contact rule. These are the five stages you can expect your ex to feel during a no contact rule.

  1. Calm And Assured Of Their Decision (3 Days To A Week)
  2. Worry After They Don’t Hear From You (Week To 2 Weeks)
  3. Anger After They Realize They Are Being Ignored (2 Weeks To 2.5 Weeks)
  4. Confrontation About What They Lost (2.5 Weeks to 3 Weeks)
  5. Hope Of Contact (3 Weeks To 4 Weeks)

I feel like I should include in this conversation that a typical no contact rule will last anywhere from 21 days to 45 days depending on the severity of your particular situation. This means that every ex will react a little bit differently to the no contact rule. For example, sometimes stage one can last for two weeks while stage two can only last a few days.

But generally speaking the dates that I’ve outlined here are pretty accurate.

So, let’s take a moment and dissect what each one of these things means so that you can get in your exes head and understand exactly how they’re feeling.

Stage #1: Your Ex Is Calm And Assured Of Their Decision

So, stage number one is that they are calm and assured of their decision.

This one is pretty simple.

They feel very calm and as if they made the correct decision to leave the relationship. Like I said, this will typically last from anywhere between three days to a week. So, when you’re doing a no contact rule for the first three days to seven days they’re feeling kind of, good about themselves.

It’s important to keep in mind that, really, they haven’t confronted their feelings just yet.

They’re still in that honeymoon period of,

“Wow, I don’t have a relationship to prevent me from doing this.”

It can be an exciting time for them.

Usually during this stage you’re not going to hear from them.

But if you do hear from them, and that does happen sometimes, you’ll usually get basic messages like,

“Hey.” Or, “What’s up?” Through texting.

Now, where things really heat up is with stage two.

Stage #2: Worry After They Don’t Hear From You 

Stage two is worry after they don’t hear from you. Relationships are often defined by their patterns. This is especially true when it comes to communication.

Often when we are locked into a relationship with someone we get into certain communication patterns with that person.

For most pretty strong relationships that usually means you will text every day.

Well, when that pattern gets interrupted with a no contact rule you can start to notice worry within your ex.

Especially after your ex is thinking,

“Oh yes, he or she will break. For sure they’re going to contact me first.”

So, in this stage they begin to worry after a week potentially has gone by and they haven’t heard from you.

That’s when you’ll start to notice an uptick in checking social media accounts.

You’ll start to notice, they are stalking your Facebook profile and you may start to see them begin reaching out to you in this stage. And this is usually rare, but does happen, especially if you are on your social media game.

They can worry that you’ve met someone else.

Stage #3: Anger After They Realize They Are Being Ignored

Now, stage three really ratchets up the tension another level.

Stage three is all about anger.

They are angry when they realize that you are ignoring them.

By this point it’s been usually, about two weeks into the no contact rule.

They maybe have reached out to you a few times, you have ignored their attempts to reach out to you, or they’re simply angry that you’re not reaching out to them first.

This is a very common breakup behavior. So, there are a couple of things that you may see them do in this particular stage. Obviously they’re going to grow angry and that anger can create two different outcomes. Outcome number one is, they may just completely ignore you.

Some people when they get angry are passive-aggressive.

They like to ignore you.

The other approach, or the other thing that you may see start to happen is, they will start to text you.

And the texts will not be nice.

Something like, “Oh, you’re ignoring me now.” Or, “You know what? I’m glad I broke up with you.”

Things of this nature are simply a reaction to stage three. They’re angry. They’re angry that they’re being ignored. Things aren’t going the way that they thought they would, and they’re lashing out at the only person that it makes sense to lash out to and that would be you, the source of their frustration and pain.

Stage #4: A Confrontation About What They Lost

Now, stage four is where things start to take a turn for the better.

That is, a confrontation about what they lost.

In stage one I talked about the fact that even though they’re calm and assured of their decision, they really haven’t confronted their feelings just yet.

Well, stage four is that confrontation.

They’re starting to realize maybe they’ve lost you forever.

So, part of them potentially may have hoped that you would beg for them back after the breakup.

I know certainly, I have been through multiple breakups where I have thought this exact thing.

“I’m going to make her beg for me back.”

And when that doesn’t happen you begin to look at the person in a whole new light.

You begin to realize,

“You know, maybe I had them pegged wrong.”

And reactions also can vary here just like in stage three.

Some exes will get in touch with you to try to make amends for their outbursts in the angry stage.

They’ll say something like, “Hey, you know what? I’m really sorry I lashed out to you. I was just having a tough day.”

And others can remain stoic and silent.

They can sort of, take the confrontation and say to themselves, “Well, you know what? I’m in a lot of pain here. I’m realizing that I may have lost this person forever, I’m scared to reach out and put myself out there. I’m just going to wait and see how things play out.”

These are the most common type of reactions you’re going to see from people in this stage.

Stage #5: Hope of Contact

Now, stage five is kind of, the fun part.

By this stage you’re about three to four weeks into the no contact rule. So, 24 to 30 days you have really stuck to your guns in the no contact rule. It’s really worked it’s magic on your ex and they start to hope that you’re going to contact them.

They’ve been through a rollercoaster of emotions up until this point. So, your ex really starts to shift gears here in hopes that you’re going to contact them. They may fidget and constantly check their phone to see if you have reached out.

This is an all throughout the day kind of, an activity where maybe they’re at work and they’re hoping that they hear from you.

And maybe it’s a false hope, and maybe they realize that maybe there’s a small chance that you will reach out.

So, every once and a while when they get a text they immediately pull it out hoping that it is from you, they check and see it’s not from you and they get angry and upset, because they realize they want you to be the one that’s texting them.

And also, here is where you’re going to see a huge uptick in social media stalking, whether that’s Instagram, Snapchat, or Facebook.

Those are the three most common ways that people will kind of, check up on you and see what’s going on. “Has he or she met someone else? Am I kind of, fool hearted here for hoping that maybe, they’re going to contact me? Are they okay? How are they living life without me?”

These are all questions that they’re wondering in their head, and the way to get those answers without directly asking you, is to go through social media. Also, you’re going to hear or see another uptick in hoping that they’re going to respond to their text messages.

So, you may start to see a flood of text messages coming in towards the end of the no contact rule as well. And those are the five stages that are most common with how your ex is going to feel after a breakup.

66 thoughts on “What Your Ex Is Feeling During No Contact”

  1. Avatar

    FellingBetter

    October 3, 2019 at 9:28 am

    I am 6 days in No Contact. My ex broke up with me after 8 months of dating. We went through a long period of arguing during the relationship and he had felt we was not compatible. I can agree we did argue alot and the relationship was plummeting but I also feel breaking up was the easier option. To start slow would of be my preference. Anyways I ended up begging him and pleaded with him for 3 weeks, slept with him twice (on his birthday and exchanging items). He still was not nudging, but he’ll say things like.. I love you … you havent lost me… I miss you… I cant sleep without you here. He always intiated physical contact. He still has photos of me on his social media and his family are still in contact with me. I honestly, tried to please him and make him happy with whatever he wanted. To the point were I was basically just someone he wanted to have “fun” with. He knew my heart and how I felt about him. Cried for 3 weeks straight telling him how much I love him. This was messing me up… affected my phyiscal and mental health. Finally I asked him straight do you want to work this out or not. He said no. So I intiated NC. He contacted me 3 days in and just repeated himself in saying he feels we aren’t right for eachother. I didn’t respond. He is a very stubborn man and will honestly stick to his guns. I’m hoping this NC will help me either way. Either I get him back and we work on a better relationship which I know we will have, because other than the arguing we was really great. It was fun, good energy and love. Or I learn how to be good without him. I honestly think he saying we aren’t compatible because of the arguing and he finding ways to justify his choice. I believe he still loves me but just finding it hard to admit to it. I have started to do the things for bettering myself whilst doing NC(not constantly at home thinking about him) going gym, attempts to better my career, hanging out with friends& keeping busy. I am alot better now then I was 3 weeks ago. But do you guys still suggest NC in attempts to get him back will work?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 3, 2019 at 10:23 pm

      Hey Felling, so yes I do suggest a NC and a full 30 days minimum, and work on yourself during that time. Learning to be happy with out him in your life is needed regardless if you want him back or not. You also need to address the reasons you were always arguing because those reasons can come back if you were to get back together to then break up again because you and he haven’t sought out the issues for the fall outs.

  2. Avatar

    Maxwell

    September 18, 2019 at 5:59 am

    Hi Chris , I was married for 5 years and we have two beautiful twin boys, although we had many difficulties in our marriage and we separated in March 2019 that’s when she told me that it was over, but were still living together until the 15th of September 2019 that’s when I moved out to my new apartment and i started no contact the next day I moved out. I told her that I need some time to work on myself and to recover
    Is there a way I should apply the no contact when we have kids that are living with her?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 19, 2019 at 8:35 am

      Hi Maxwell, so you need to apply whats called “Limited No Contact” where you only speak about your joint responsibilities (in your case the children, pick up and drop offs, any joint bills). There are articles on the website about this, and it is pretty easy to do. There is no need to speak to each other unless its about the welfare of the children – they’re sick for example. And you arrange a pick up and drop off schedule so you don’t need to speak about this once its agreed.

  3. Avatar

    May

    September 3, 2019 at 6:24 am

    Hi EBR. my ex contacted me 6 days into NC with three messages:

    – WTF why cant you get out of my head
    – I love you!!!
    – Fine dont talk to me

    I didnt reply and I am now on day 8 of NC. Which stage is he in? And should I still continue with a 30 day NC if he says he loves me?

  4. Avatar

    ES

    August 5, 2019 at 2:32 am

    Is there any information on how to handle or implement “No Contact” after a failed attempt had already occurred? My ex initiated contact with me again after a month (before I knew about No Contact), and so I didn’t handle it correctly. He asked me out to lunch, visited me at my house, and then asked me to go on a day trip with him out of town another day but he then became distant again after that. I had mentioned that it still felt one-sided. And that’s when I learned about No Contact and decided to implement it because I didn’t want to be back in a situation that wasn’t making me happy and he was Hot and Cold all of the time. He wanted to marry me at one point, but we had a disagreement and things hadn’t been the same after that.

  5. Avatar

    John

    July 28, 2019 at 5:02 am

    Me and my ex broke up yesterday and I feel like it was kinda mutual but overall I was the main cause of the breakup. She’s said that she thinks maybe in the future we could work things out. So after looking in to it I think I want to do NC. I feel like she is the type of person who isn’t really affected too hard by breakups, usually I am the one that cracks and wants to beg her to get back with me. I thought that this may be a change of pace. She probably thinks that I am very sad and emotional right now. I Want her to realize she made a mistake. I guess what I’m asking is do these steps apply to all types of girls because I still have fear that she is just going to move on with her life. Usually she is the one with all the power because I’m a very emotional guy. I’m just unsure how things will turn out.

  6. Avatar

    B

    July 27, 2019 at 8:32 am

    im kinda freaking out right now cause i tried to beg for my ex to come back even though he said he’s willing to stay friends. We fought a lot a week after the breakup and told me that he’s open to getting back together but at the same time he’s also open to other people. i told him that ill give him space, im doing no contact right now. I’m just worried because i feel like he’s too busy to even process the breakup. He even told me once that he wants me to forget about the relationship. Do i still have hope?

  7. Avatar

    Brian

    July 26, 2019 at 2:08 am

    I started no contact within 5 days of the break up,I apologized and told her I respected her decision. I made it to day 17 before i broke and reached out to see if we could talk before she left for a month long vacation. You were spot on with the 2-2.5 week anger period and she obviously wasn’t receptive and called me out for deleting her on social media(I did this the day we broke up, she did it through text and thats how I reacted) I told her it was immature on my part and apologized. I also said that I wouldn’t reach out anymore but if she changes her mind to have her do so. Her response was “don’t reach out anymore, its done” I went back into no contact immediately after and today is day 18 of the second no contact. My question is does no contact work the second time around and did I screw up my chances based on the short snippet I gave you?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      July 26, 2019 at 2:10 am

      No Brian…just take a deep dive into my Program – EGR Pro – and follow my teachings and you will amplify your chances

  8. Avatar

    Ty

    July 21, 2019 at 11:23 pm

    I was dating a guy for 10 months. During that time we didn’t talk about being exclusive, although he’s hinted it. We texted everyday, but didn’t see each other for nearly 1.5 months. Not knowing his true intentions, I logged back in to the dating app. I happened to flirt with one guy, who happened to be his friend. I didn’t know that was his friend, but the guy supposedly knew me. He asked me about it, and at first I denied the whole thing. It didn’t really mean anything to me. I flirted with the guy so I wouldn’t be so hung up on the one I was dating and since I wasn’t sure what the deal was with us, even though we texted. I was afraid he would get mad, hurt, and I’d lose him. He asked for some time to think, and then 4 days later, he texted me. I finally told him the truth because my conscience was nagging at me. I explained to him why and I really had no plans of meeting with the guy. He had a hard time believing that I wouldn’t have met with the guy. We texted the regular good morning messages for 2 more days, then he stopped acknowledging my texts and calls. I’ve written him a letter, took a picture of it and sent it to him via text, and still no response. His last message was he’s processing, and that’s it. I texted him again after that, and had asked if he’s just going to ignore me. When he didn’t answer, I stopped messaging. It’s been almost a week since I heard from him last. What do I do?

  9. Avatar

    Gaby

    July 19, 2019 at 3:32 pm

    A guy and I had been talking and going out for three months. Mind you these entire three months, he was not my boyfriend, but he was my first kiss. We would go on dates every single weekend and kiss on each of them. He was sincere when he said that he liked me. And I knew that I liked him. However, every time he would go out with me, he would get his phone taken away for reasons unrelated to me. Finally, one Saturday at one in the morning, he texts me asking if I was fine with continuing what we were doing without the prospect of having a future together as a couple. I said no. That was on Saturday June 22 and I did not contact him until July 2. I called him and asked him if he was feeling better with his family, and if things were still the way they were. I explained to him my feelings and he said he felt the same way. He said the end goal was to always make things official between us. We spent another two hours FaceTiming, reminiscing about when we would go out. I made a comment saying that this could be the last time we ever spoke and he got sad and said not to say that. We haven’t spoken since that day. What should I do next?

  10. Avatar

    Chidinma

    July 16, 2019 at 2:40 pm

    What if nothing happens after the 21-30 days no contact rule

  11. Avatar

    Amanda

    July 16, 2019 at 4:00 am

    I broke up with my boyfriend of one year about 3 weeks ago and started doing NC right away. We left with no fights, no hard feelings, love each other and want the best for each other, etc. We have incredible chemistry but the timing isn’t right. He was content to just talk on the phone for months–our conversations are always amazing but they ended up just being heartbreaking for me because he never made time to actually go out with me. Anyway, I broke up with him and told him I was going to do NC for a “long time” which means until he’s inspired to change… if ever. He agreed, but I really think he didn’t believe I would be able to do it. We go to the same church and I’ve been doing really well avoiding him. Anyway, my mom (who is 30 years older than us, but still beautiful in her 60s) also goes to our church. For the last 2 weeks, he and she have both gotten there before me and he approaches her and flirts with her! Tells her she’s stunning, carries on a conversation, etc. Of course she loves the flattery and thinks “he just can’t help talking to pretty ladies”. He does have a habit of flirting with older ladies, which never bothered me before. But my mom?! Really?! I wanted SO badly to text him and call him out on it today but I didn’t do it. Why does he think this is appropriate? Should I make an exception and ask him to leave her alone, or just ignore his ridiculousness?

  12. Avatar

    Lorinda

    July 11, 2019 at 12:07 am

    Me and my ex broke up 7/3/2019 he called on 7/7/2019 saying he misses me and he know I miss him to haven’t talk to him since please help!

  13. Avatar

    Rani

    July 10, 2019 at 6:23 pm

    my ex and I broke up 3 months ago but have still been living together. He ended it because we had been arguing a lot and he just couldn’t do it anymore. I was stressed a lot with work and tired and someone who we thought was a friend was causing issues between him and I. For about 2 months we have been going through the motions of what we would when together minus the I love you and physical/romantic side of the relationship. We would still tell each other about our day and chill together and such.
    He told me he needs time and space to work out if he’s feeling what he’s feeling because he genuinely wants to be with me and feels that way or if it’s just because he’s comfortable. We’re both moving this weekend to seperate places on our own and I’m worried I’m going to lose him forever. I’m the type of person that cuts it clean. So if you tell me it’s over it’s over but telling me need space and time has confused that. I love this man. Without a doubt I want to share my life with him. I’m worried I’ll lose him, and that he could be telling me what he thinks I want to hear. He’s a genuine nice guy that would help anyone out and doesn’t like hurting peoples feelings. I plan on doing NC when we leave for my own sanity and also to give him the respect of giving him space. I just worry that because we lived together for 3 months after splitting and we’re friendly (feelings come out when we drank together) that I’ve been pushed into the friend zone.

  14. Avatar

    Lisa

    July 10, 2019 at 1:07 pm

    I was with my boyfriend for over 10 years, we have 2 beautiful young girls together and a new home. We haven’t been giving each other emotional attention for a while until recently when I decided we should do more of that to strengthen our relationship. Everything seemed great, he cuddled me more, etc but sometimes he seemed a bit distant. We have also been having a lot of arguments as I didn’t want him to do certain things like go on long hunting trips, try for a better paying job that will have him to leave town every 2 weeks. Since we have been trying to work things out, such as more cuddling, less arguments and being intimate more, it seemed fine, until I got upset that he wanted to try for that job again. I lost it as I wanted him home with our family and not have to leave for half the month at a time. He decided to go back home (another community) and I he later told me that he had been cheating. He said he needed to think things through and didn’t wanna discuss about the relationship yet. What is he thinking now? Does he still love and miss me? What?? I will attempt the no contact rule, I’m hoping for a good outcome.

  15. Avatar

    Ritzz

    July 5, 2019 at 4:05 pm

    I heard my ex is in relationship with someone else the most funny thing is he still is in contact with my best friend and informs her that he took her girlfriend on date.. they spent good times and I’d happy he knows that my best friend will definitely tell me all these I have no idea what he is trying to do

  16. Avatar

    Rachel

    July 1, 2019 at 5:10 pm

    My ex and I have dated for a month and we broke up twice but we still continued to talk after. The way we communicated it was as if we didn’t really break up and we texted everyday. Although, eventually it started to become odd for him so I told him I needed some time without him but he keeps finding random ways to contact me and I’m cornered to respond because this is a club we work on together in college. I’m not sure what to do, should I say something to him and tell him again that I need time?

  17. Avatar

    Eli

    July 1, 2019 at 3:04 am

    My ex broke up with me after 3 months saying he needs to work on himself and is too busy to have a relationship. I already have your book but wanted to know if I should do the full 30 days of NC even though the relationship was so short?

  18. Avatar

    Ella

    June 29, 2019 at 12:53 pm

    My ex boyfriend and I were together for about 2 years and 10months. He broke up with me about 2months ago. I started NC after 1 month of begging and pleading. Today is 19th day of NC. I am focusing now on my growth and well being. I am not expecting him to come back since he is very firm with his decision and even told me that we are never getting back together. He deleted all pictures of us from all social media. I am moving on now. Hahaha

  19. Avatar

    Jon Barrington

    June 24, 2019 at 2:03 am

    Me and my ex were kind of in this limbo phase of us seeing each other on and off weekly after a few breakups and arguments. She is moving away for work in 5 weeks when her college semester was up and I think it put a lot of strain on both of us.

    We both still had feelings for each other and hung out weekly. Initially she broke things off with me because she was feeling overwhelmed and then came back to me a week or so later saying she wanted to get back together. I told her I wanted take things slow and not jump back into something so quickly and just focus on having fun and enjoying each other’s company while she was still in town for the time being. She agreed and understandably, kind of became a little more distant.

    One night she texted me a long message about how I was someone she absolutely adores more then anyone she has ever met and cares about she said she wanted to spend as much time as possible together while she’s here but wanted us to both have the freedom to do what we feel is best. So I set a date and we went out for drinks.

    I was showing her something on snapchat and she say several snaps that I sent to friends and she saw a message a few other women had sent me. I did not realize and it was an absolute rookie mistake, the reality is I don’t want anything from these girls. I have been seeing a few other people only because I did not want to let myself become emotionally hung up on my ex but would never want to rub it in her face. She assumed I was dating and actively pursuing several other women and became upset and asked me to drop her off.

    On the car ride home I told her that she was the only women I wanted and that I wanted to get back together if she did not like it that I was talking to other girls. She did not answer that and left.

    3 days later after not hearing from her I reached out via phone call and asked her what was going on. She said she can’t jump back into a relationship with me but she can’t see me if I’m seeing other girls. She said she wasn’t happy with herself and that she did not want to “drag me around with her shit”.

    So i did not get mad or upset but I told her that I wasn’t interested in being friends or not romantic and to call me when she figured out whatever she needed to figure out. 3 days later on a Thursday night she texted me at 11:45pm asking if I was up. I wasn’t awake and in the morning I texted her back and said,”have you figured out what you needed to figure out?”

    She responded yes, and that she was just a little overwhelmed. I said ok, and asked her when she was free to get together. She said she was leaving in the morning to go on a weekend vacation with her family and asked if it would be cool if she let me know once she got back. I agreed to this as I also had plans to leave town that weekend to visit a buddy. I told her I was leaving this weekend also and to just let me know and we would set something up when she got back. She said great and I went about my business and did not contact her at all.

    Anyway, that weekend my buddy canceled our plans so I winded up staying in town. I decided to go to the bar with my old roommates who’s a girl, her boyfriend and her girlfriends. When I was out at the bar I saw my ex’s best friend and roommate and went over to say hi gave them a hug and enjoyed the rest of the night did not say more then that.

    Bottom line is my ex’s friends saw me leave the bar with 4 girls they don’t know. I am 100% positive they told my ex who thought I was supposed to be out of town for the weekend. I haven’t heard back at all from my ex whatsoever. She is not the type of girl to say she’s going to get back to me and not do so. It’s been about 11 days since she first reached back out.

    Now I don’t know what to do. She’s probably upset but really I dint do anything wrong. Should I contact her or should I just leave her be? Please help.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      June 24, 2019 at 3:01 pm

      Probably best to give her some more space, up to days. Then reach out to her in the way I teach in my Program

  20. Avatar

    Caroline

    June 23, 2019 at 6:28 pm

    Hi Chris,
    I was in a long term situationship. I decided to leave because I am looking for more commitment.
    I won’t lie, I love this man. Now on day 12 of no contact. What would be your advice to women in my situation?
    Thanks so much!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      June 23, 2019 at 7:57 pm

      Hi Caroline…i will press forward with NC, but make sure you put your focus on “you” and your full recovery and personal growth. Take a look at my Program – EBR Pro Bundle – for more insights into this whole process.

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