Today we’re going to be talking about something that a lot of people ask me about and that is, “What is my ex feeling during a no contact rule.”

Now, if you don’t know what a no contact rule is, I have plenty of resources on my website, YouTube channel and podcast describing what that actually is.

But to give you a quick crash course,

A no contact rule is simply a period of time, where you’re ignoring your ex on purpose.

Now, this creates a lot of questions, especially around if it’s effective or not, and what happens when it is effective.

How does your ex act?

What are they feeling?

Well, that’s what this presentation is about today.

A Quick Word Before We Get Started

Now, before we get started there are a couple of things that I think you should do if you’re a newbie and you’re trying to get your ex back.

The first thing is to actually stop by my website Ex Boyfriend Recovery and take my ex recovery chances quiz.

It’s a simple two minute quiz that I put together that will ask you a lot of questions about your situation, when your breakup was and the circumstances around your breakup. Using that information I can actually put it through an advanced algorithm to give you an idea of what kind of chance you have of getting your ex back.

So, if you want to take that quiz all you simply have to do is go to my website or click the button below.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz


All right, let’s get started and talk about what your ex is feeling during a no contact rule.

The Five Stages Of Feelings During The No Contact Rule

When I was brainstorming how to present this information to you, I came up with kind of, an interesting idea and that was, breaking up the feelings that your ex is feeling into five distinct stages.

Almost like the five stages of grief, but in this case it’s going to be the five stages of “feeling” in no contact.

So, assuming a no contact rule is working on your ex, you’re implementing it, you’re staying disciplined, you’re not making any mistakes in breaking the no contact rule. These are the five stages you can expect your ex to feel during a no contact rule.

  1. Calm And Assured Of Their Decision (3 Days To A Week)
  2. Worry After They Don’t Hear From You (Week To 2 Weeks)
  3. Anger After They Realize They Are Being Ignored (2 Weeks To 2.5 Weeks)
  4. Confrontation About What They Lost (2.5 Weeks to 3 Weeks)
  5. Hope Of Contact (3 Weeks To 4 Weeks)

I feel like I should include in this conversation that a typical no contact rule will last anywhere from 21 days to 45 days depending on the severity of your particular situation. This means that every ex will react a little bit differently to the no contact rule. For example, sometimes stage one can last for two weeks while stage two can only last a few days.

But generally speaking the dates that I’ve outlined here are pretty accurate.

So, let’s take a moment and dissect what each one of these things means so that you can get in your exes head and understand exactly how they’re feeling.

Stage #1: Your Ex Is Calm And Assured Of Their Decision

So, stage number one is that they are calm and assured of their decision.

This one is pretty simple.

They feel very calm and as if they made the correct decision to leave the relationship. Like I said, this will typically last from anywhere between three days to a week. So, when you’re doing a no contact rule for the first three days to seven days they’re feeling kind of, good about themselves.

It’s important to keep in mind that, really, they haven’t confronted their feelings just yet.

They’re still in that honeymoon period of,

“Wow, I don’t have a relationship to prevent me from doing this.”

It can be an exciting time for them.

Usually during this stage you’re not going to hear from them.

But if you do hear from them, and that does happen sometimes, you’ll usually get basic messages like,

“Hey.” Or, “What’s up?” Through texting.

Now, where things really heat up is with stage two.

Stage #2: Worry After They Don’t Hear From You 

Stage two is worry after they don’t hear from you. Relationships are often defined by their patterns. This is especially true when it comes to communication.

Often when we are locked into a relationship with someone we get into certain communication patterns with that person.

For most pretty strong relationships that usually means you will text every day.

Well, when that pattern gets interrupted with a no contact rule you can start to notice worry within your ex.

Especially after your ex is thinking,

“Oh yes, he or she will break. For sure they’re going to contact me first.”

So, in this stage they begin to worry after a week potentially has gone by and they haven’t heard from you.

That’s when you’ll start to notice an uptick in checking social media accounts.

You’ll start to notice, they are stalking your Facebook profile and you may start to see them begin reaching out to you in this stage. And this is usually rare, but does happen, especially if you are on your social media game.

They can worry that you’ve met someone else.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Stage #3: Anger After They Realize They Are Being Ignored

Now, stage three really ratchets up the tension another level.

Stage three is all about anger.

They are angry when they realize that you are ignoring them.

By this point it’s been usually, about two weeks into the no contact rule.

They maybe have reached out to you a few times, you have ignored their attempts to reach out to you, or they’re simply angry that you’re not reaching out to them first.

This is a very common breakup behavior. So, there are a couple of things that you may see them do in this particular stage. Obviously they’re going to grow angry and that anger can create two different outcomes. Outcome number one is, they may just completely ignore you.

Some people when they get angry are passive-aggressive.

They like to ignore you.

The other approach, or the other thing that you may see start to happen is, they will start to text you.

And the texts will not be nice.

Something like, “Oh, you’re ignoring me now.” Or, “You know what? I’m glad I broke up with you.”

Things of this nature are simply a reaction to stage three. They’re angry. They’re angry that they’re being ignored. Things aren’t going the way that they thought they would, and they’re lashing out at the only person that it makes sense to lash out to and that would be you, the source of their frustration and pain.

Stage #4: A Confrontation About What They Lost

Now, stage four is where things start to take a turn for the better.

That is, a confrontation about what they lost.

In stage one I talked about the fact that even though they’re calm and assured of their decision, they really haven’t confronted their feelings just yet.

Well, stage four is that confrontation.

They’re starting to realize maybe they’ve lost you forever.

So, part of them potentially may have hoped that you would beg for them back after the breakup.

I know certainly, I have been through multiple breakups where I have thought this exact thing.

“I’m going to make her beg for me back.”

And when that doesn’t happen you begin to look at the person in a whole new light.

You begin to realize,

“You know, maybe I had them pegged wrong.”

And reactions also can vary here just like in stage three.

Some exes will get in touch with you to try to make amends for their outbursts in the angry stage.

They’ll say something like, “Hey, you know what? I’m really sorry I lashed out to you. I was just having a tough day.”

And others can remain stoic and silent.

They can sort of, take the confrontation and say to themselves, “Well, you know what? I’m in a lot of pain here. I’m realizing that I may have lost this person forever, I’m scared to reach out and put myself out there. I’m just going to wait and see how things play out.”

These are the most common type of reactions you’re going to see from people in this stage.

Stage #5: Hope of Contact

Now, stage five is kind of, the fun part.

By this stage you’re about three to four weeks into the no contact rule. So, 24 to 30 days you have really stuck to your guns in the no contact rule. It’s really worked it’s magic on your ex and they start to hope that you’re going to contact them.

They’ve been through a rollercoaster of emotions up until this point. So, your ex really starts to shift gears here in hopes that you’re going to contact them. They may fidget and constantly check their phone to see if you have reached out.

This is an all throughout the day kind of, an activity where maybe they’re at work and they’re hoping that they hear from you.

And maybe it’s a false hope, and maybe they realize that maybe there’s a small chance that you will reach out.

So, every once and a while when they get a text they immediately pull it out hoping that it is from you, they check and see it’s not from you and they get angry and upset, because they realize they want you to be the one that’s texting them.

And also, here is where you’re going to see a huge uptick in social media stalking, whether that’s Instagram, Snapchat, or Facebook.

Those are the three most common ways that people will kind of, check up on you and see what’s going on. “Has he or she met someone else? Am I kind of, fool hearted here for hoping that maybe, they’re going to contact me? Are they okay? How are they living life without me?”

These are all questions that they’re wondering in their head, and the way to get those answers without directly asking you, is to go through social media. Also, you’re going to hear or see another uptick in hoping that they’re going to respond to their text messages.

So, you may start to see a flood of text messages coming in towards the end of the no contact rule as well. And those are the five stages that are most common with how your ex is going to feel after a breakup.

What to Read Next

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116 thoughts on “What Your Ex Is Feeling During No Contact”

  1. Avatar


    May 11, 2020 at 5:23 pm

    Hi, I am now in the final week of no contact, during this time I have been ‘working on myself’, however I have heard nothing and it’s starting to make me question everything, I am having serious doubts that he will get in contact when it’s over, the breakup was out of the blue one morning, there was tension a couple of days before but I thought that got sorted and things were good again.

    He played the standard there’s no spark, I need to be alone and work on myself etc, I may initially have had a few days on pleading but decided to play it cool, I finally resorted to this but have just become down and scared that it’s going to be pointless, I will continue to the end but what should I do.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 19, 2020 at 2:03 pm

      Hi RJ, don’t forget that in this process it is not important if your ex reaches out to you or not during your NC this doesn’t mean it hasn’t worked. It means that he has needed this space and time apart. The important part is that you prepare yourself for your first reach out at the end of your NC and prepare yourself for a short positive conversation that you need to end before your ex does.

  2. Avatar


    May 3, 2020 at 6:06 am

    Me and girlfriend were bestfriends before relationship then we got tied our relation bond. We were together for 2 yrs and 9 months and our relation was for 1yr and 8 months. We are both different personalities so got in to fights twice In a month. My Possessive behaviour made her feel that I don’t trust her. We both were serious to each other and made marriage promises. But suddenly she thought of breaking up with me.

  3. Avatar


    April 29, 2020 at 7:14 pm

    Hi, me and my boyfriend of almost 8 years have broken up for many reasons: he was nonchalant and I wanted more emotion from him, he wanted to chase his career, he wanted to be single and not have anything hold him back. We argued often.

    Initially I thought let me break up to teach him a lesson. So I spent 1 month focussing on myself, bombarded him with messages out of weakness.

    But he told me he doesn’t want me anymore even though he loves me. He said he wants to be single and that he is at peace without me. When I asked if there’s a future with us he said he’s not sure.

    It is now 6 weeks post break up, the most I haven’t spoke my him is 6 days max.

    Shall I attempt the NCR or shall I just force myself to give up?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 6, 2020 at 7:02 pm

      Hi Sarah if you want to try and get this guy back then yes 100% do a no contact for a 45 day period, but during that time you need to work on your Holy Trinity and work to become the Ungettable girl. If you do this then your ex is going to notice the positive changes you are making to your life. The fact he wants to be single and focus on his career is fair if he is in a field that requires all of his time, so your goal is to show your worth and what he has lost by not being with you anymore.

  4. Avatar


    April 26, 2020 at 12:45 pm

    Hello am in already on the no contact rule and I will say it’s getting on my ex,he hasn’t contacted me yet but has contacted my friends and asking about me the other he wrote on his social media that he misses me even though I deleted his contact my friend saw it so am thankful cus I know it’s working

  5. Avatar


    April 18, 2020 at 6:06 am

    5 months ago i caught my ex texting someone else and we had a fight. i left him and come back many times for a month because i want him feel sorry for what he did, we are 2 years in relationship and living together. He decided to jump into relationship with her and broke up with me because i keep leaving and coming back. I want our relationship to be fix so i acted like nothing happen and accept him and his decision. After a month, he decided to left the house to move together with this woman. He kept coming back after 2 weeks telling he loves me and will marry me once he find reason to leave the woman. We’re still in touch and I am supporting him all trough out. Last month, He went to his home country for competition.. in my surprise his girlfriend went also after a week. I get mad, and blocked him in social media.. After 10 days, he message me, telling I am still in his heart and he don’t feel the same to her gf. He cannot come back yet because of Corona, both of them lockdown. I told him Im moving on and I am on my 18 days now of No Contact… I still hoping and want him back..

  6. Avatar


    April 18, 2020 at 12:43 am

    Hello my Man broke up with me 2 weeks and 1 day ago and I don’t know why…we was together 3 months but he called me on my friend’s messenger like 9 days ago and he was asking me that I’m good and he told I know u love me and I said yes I do… now there is no contact from him i deleted his phone number also…I’ll practice no contact rule for next 30 days or more and I hope it’ll really work… thank u for ur advices and I hope he’ll think wat he can loose and will be back to me.. best regards… Paula from Poland

  7. Avatar


    April 16, 2020 at 2:32 pm

    Hi my ex boyfriend and I broke up 7 weeks ago after 6 years together, it was a bad breakup, I’m currently in second week of no contact. But he called my son (19 years old) my son seen the missed call and called him back but he wouldn’t answer. Don’t know if that was to get a reaction out if me (which I didn’t).

  8. Avatar


    April 15, 2020 at 2:20 am

    Hi, I had a question. Is it normal to not want a relationship with anyone else even if a couple of years had passed since breaking up with your ex? … I was with this guy for almost 2 years, when we broke up I eventually just stopped contacting him because he pushed me away a lot but when we broke up and even now almost 5 years later. I don’t want a relationship with anyone else, Marriage is not on my plans. My mindset is really my money and career.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 20, 2020 at 4:14 pm

      Hey there, so I would say it is normal if you have tried to date and not met someone who has made you feel that way. You can not force yourself to date if you are not into it at this point in your life, maybe you wont be. You may find that while you are focusing on money and your career that you will be happy and content with your life. Everyone is different

  9. Avatar


    April 14, 2020 at 6:43 am

    I know my boyfriend for a year now he works away a lot when he is here everything is perfect treats me well talks snout our future etc but when he goes back he is always on dating site when I asked him about it he blocked me from most ways of contact. He has not been on site for over a week now and I think he is with someone else. I have begged and pleaded with him not to break up he has done this before and when came back just acted as if he did nothing wrong. He knows I adore him so he can do what he wants will the NC rule still work been separated one month now and don’t know when he will be back here it’s killing me

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 14, 2020 at 8:43 am

      Hi Angela, I want to ask why would you allow someone to cheat on you, you should adore yourself. Love yourself to know you deserve so much better than someone who is going to cheat on you just because he is working away! Work on your Holy Trinity and read about being Ungettable and see how you feel after a 45 NC. His behaviour is not acceptable it does not matter how great you think he is

  10. Avatar


    April 13, 2020 at 2:36 am

    Hi Chris,

    I am a bit lost, this is my 9th day of the no contact rule. My ex and I broke up 3 months ago, and never stopped talking but saw each other a couple times in the last month, but I started the no contact rule as he wasn’t putting enough effort into our conversations and I was looking desparate. So far I have received a message saying “loser, why’d you block me”, followed by “are you okay?” the next day, and five days later I received a message from him saying “happy easter! hope you had a good day”
    Am I on the right path?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 14, 2020 at 11:25 pm

      Hi Sara, giving that you keep ignoring him and working on yourself for the next 30 days then yes you are on the right track

  11. Avatar


    April 11, 2020 at 2:05 am

    my boyfriend of 5 months broke up with me 4 days ago after being distant over text for 2 days. i had to beg him to call me and when he finally did he looked so forced but he told me that he didn’t love me at all anymore. and that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. he said he doesn’t want me anymore. i begged him and begged him to not leave me and he just hung up. I haven’t contacted him in 4 days, this hurts because he deleted all our pictures together on instagram and i can tell he’s following new girls and talking to them. Im following the no contact rule but do you think it will even work? I have so much love for him and I did so much for him in the relationship.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 14, 2020 at 10:58 pm

      Hi Liv part of No Contact is that you do not watch his social media activity. So try to stop watching what he is doing online as hard as that can be at times. Read about the Holy Trinity and the Ungettable information and apply this to your own social media.

  12. Avatar


    April 11, 2020 at 12:29 am

    So if I do NC for 30 days it would end May 8th. His birthday is on May 5th.. Should I tell him happy birthday? We were together for 2 years. March 15-April 6th he kept telling me he doesn’t know what he wants & kept asking to be left alone. Heart broken I didn’t respect his wishes & kept bugging.. Finally he gave me an answer & I started NC on the 8th of this month.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 12, 2020 at 7:43 pm

      Hi Flower, no do not mention the birthday I would also extend the NC a little – go to the 15th just so it isn’t right after his birthday.

  13. Avatar


    April 6, 2020 at 11:24 pm

    My boyfriend of 11 yrs just broke things off with me. He says its because we’ve been arguing a lot lately. At first i begged that he reconsider, and he refused saying he’s happier without all the drama. I decided to do the no contact without telling him. I’m off social media (where he was sometimes checking my post), but i have not blocked his number, neither has he blocked mine. I’m on day 5 of NC. Just wondering how he feels.

  14. Avatar

    Komalpreet Kaur

    April 5, 2020 at 3:11 am

    Hi, i need advice…my boyfriend got married under pressure of his parents and he didn’t tell me that his marriage was fixed when i met him few days ago before his marriage…we were in relationship from 5 years…m now in no contact for 21 days and i never used no contact for him before…I don’t know he ll be back or not….

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 6, 2020 at 10:13 pm

      Hi there, I would suggest that if he is married that you do not attempt to get him back.

  15. Avatar

    A very troubled young man

    April 1, 2020 at 4:55 am

    Does the no contact rule also apply to sending Snapchat streaks?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 2, 2020 at 4:21 pm


  16. Avatar


    March 24, 2020 at 10:28 am

    My boyfriend broke up with me 5 days ago. We were together for 2.5 years. I did a lot for him, and he said he felt guilty that he could not reciprocate the same way. He said the way he treated me was not good, he didn’t do anything for me and he felt guilty. But he gave me love and affection, which is so important for me and kept me there. We actually broke up back in November when we were in a LDR, but stayed in touch and were still super close when I returned home. We still spent a lot of time together and texted. Last Thursday he said that we needed to cut off completely, because i had brought up the fact that I didn’t like that this one colleague was constantly messaging him. I told him he needed to give our relationship a name, so that other girls don’t get the wrong impression. I was always paranoid even though he told me there was nothing going on with his colleague. When I returned back home, I saw a good morning message from her. I love him a lot. I really want things to get back to normal. I have not spoken to him since he cut me off and am implementing the NC rule for 21 days. I get scared that maybe he will completely forget me. He is very unemotional and has been through a lot in life. His approach is to always switch off his emotions and be numb so that he can think clearly. Even when we met the last time, I asked him if he was suffering and he said he was just numb. I am just wondering if these 5 stages of NC are actually accurate and proven, because I really don’t want to lose him forever. I am planning to go and see him mom ( who i was really close to) and his dog next week when he isn’t there, because I really miss them ( and him!!). I hope to enlist her help for when I show up at his house after NC. The week after I will contact him, and show up outside his house, first initiating a text conversation and then asking him if he wants to come out for a walk with me.

  17. Avatar

    Michelle yanis

    March 22, 2020 at 11:42 pm

    Me and my bf have been dating for 5 months and weve had are moments of disagreement but nothing crazy. Best relationship I’ve ever had and he let me know it was the best relationship he had. Everythings been great. He questioned about having kids and we talked about it for future stuff and it didnt bother me much because we both have daughters. Well we would talk and he would randomly talk about if we had a kid. So I figured we would just cross that bridge. Well he was very flakey and we talked about it and he got better but we got into it about him canceling plans last minute. He then stated “I know I always change my mind on things. I honestly think I should just be alone because of how selfish I am. It’s not doing this relationship any good. ” we went back and forth about it. He then told me he loved me and didnt want to ruin me. He then stated “I don’t want marriage I don’t want kids I don’t want to live together. I’d rather be alone. I’d like a relationship but I’m not ready for that clearly since I’m always upsetting you and not letting you close to me. You’ve been putting in the work for us and I’ve just been doing whatever. It’s not fair to you that I’m this way. ” he continued to say he didnt want to break up but I just calmly said “I love you and want to work this out but I want to grow with someone, if you have a change of heart or anything changes then let me know. And that was my last message. He later wrote me and said hey wyd and then left me a voicemail to call. Is this worth a no contact rule or should I walk away since all of a sudden we want different things?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 31, 2020 at 12:47 am

      Hi Michelle, so if you want different things in life. For example the children, living together, marriage maybe. And your ex does not then I would say to walk away as you are going to end up breaking up again. You may love the person, but you need to decide what you want more him or children. If he has no plans of living together then I would consider during a No Contact period if you want this for yourself when you are going to eventually meet someone else who is going to want the same things as you do

  18. Avatar


    March 7, 2020 at 1:57 pm

    Hi there
    My boyfriend broke up with me this week after saying he loves me and sees me as his soulmate but cannot he in a relationship right now due to the social pressures and expectations that come with it. When I asked him if he was sure he didn’t want to be in a relationship he left a pause and said he couldn’t answer that question right now. I think he’s really confused. He was upset and looked like he was being forced to do it- head over heart prehaps I’m not sure.
    I contacted him to get my stuff from his flat and he reacted angry and rude. I kept calm in my messages back just saying this is a hard situation but it’s your decision and I’m respecting your wishes by getting my stuff. I’ll see you Monday- kind of thing.
    Next week I’m collecting it, do I start the no contact rule from then? And do I just sit and wait for him to contact me and when he does what do I say? And if he doesn’t I presume it’s over? Also what about if he’s just super stubborn and won’t message me?
    Thank you 🙂

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 20, 2020 at 7:56 pm

      So you can start you No Contact from the day after you had an emotional conversation, as you do not need to reach out apart from collecting your things now. Stick to the subject nothing else. When you go to collect your things make sure that you look amazing and are happy. Do not have an emotional conversation when you are there and make sure that you make a sharp exit do not outstay your welcome.

  19. Avatar


    March 6, 2020 at 3:05 am

    Hi, need some advice. Just BU with my ex bf of 10 mths and I had actually cheated emotional on him about my previous ex. He found out and furious but we patched things and I promised him of total transparency as well as repented. He got furious again after he found out I was still texting my ex as a friend. We got back again and things was going smooth and happy suddenly he just broke up with me 2 weeks ago saying he can’t do this anymore and he dont trust me. I had been on NC with him for 2 weeks, should I contact him after 30 days and do you think we stand a chance after breaking up for the 3 times?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 10, 2020 at 10:55 pm

      Hi Rachel I think your ex would need the space to get over the hurt that was caused but if you do start trying to get him back you need to make sure that you are not involved with the other ex at all, and that must stay that way or you may lose them a second time through trust. Make sure that you read articles about gaining trust after cheating even though it was only emotional cheating.

  20. Avatar


    March 5, 2020 at 12:32 pm

    Hi there , so my ex and I broke up 6 months ago and we have fought about it for months. He is in denial about the role he played in the breakup and at times when I am hurt I bring it up. Since then we dont speak as much but once a month we meet up and the past two times we were intimate, only for him to ignore me for a week again , start a conversation and then ignore me again..

    I’m on day 6 of no contact after we had a massive fight and he told me to not even bother talking to him and he will talk to me when he can. He has texted me twice since then , the first time when he commented on my post and the second time sending me a meme that said ‘be gone thot’ we are adults and the fact that he is acting like a kid is ridiculous , I feel like he did this to get a reaction from me .
    Note* I’m 25 and he is 22

    Is he doing this out of anger and should I continue the no contact rule?

    I would really appreciate a reply , thanks.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 12, 2020 at 11:56 am

      Hi Yaz, definitely continue the No contact as you are falling into a bad pattern where you are going to end up in a friends with benefits, just less of the friends by the sounds of things. He thinks that when he wants you he can get you. Set that record straight! *Also dont forget it takes guys a LOT longer to grow up 😉

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