The decision to reach out to your ex first or wait for them to reach out is a big one so today we’re going to talk about if your ex wants you to be the one to reach out.
I’m not only going to share whether your ex wants you to reach out but am also going to explain exactly what kind of text message to use if you reach out first.
If you stick around and read this article in it’s entirety not only will you begin to understand why this is such a complicated question but you’ll also learn why I believe the approach I teach is ideal.
Does Your Ex Actually Want You To Reach Out?
So pretty much everyone who talks about getting exes back or moving on from exes is going to mention the no contact rule at some point and I am no exception. I’ve talked about the no contact rule several times on my website, youtube channel, and even my podcast but here’s a quick idea of what it is for those of you who are new here:
The no contact rule is when you avoid all contact with your ex for a set amount of time (usually 30-45 days), letting them miss you and spending that time on improving your own life.
The no contact rule is one of the most common strategies in the breakup industry because it’s just that effective but there are two questions that everyone has when they first hear about it:
Question 1: Will my ex forget me if I ignore them?
Question 2: Is my ex going to get mad about the fact that they could be reaching out to me but I’m ignoring them?
The answer to the first question is an easy one:
No, your ex will definitely not forget you.
Now, the answer to the second question is slightly more complicated so I’m going to break it down using what I’ve learned from interviewing real people who have gone through this process.
So, let’s assume that you’re doing a no contact rule on your ex – do they want you to reach out after a breakup?
To properly explain that, we need to talk about this concept of “Winning the breakup”.
How The “Winning The Breakup” Mentality Comes Into Play
Throughout my career, I’ve seen men and women try hard to “win” the breakup by basically bending their ex to their will and having them reach out first.
Here’s the thing though, it can often be a “losing” battle.
I polled 98 different people and asked them one question:
How many of you have had an ex reach out to you first when you implemented a no contact rule.
63% of people said their exes did not reach out at all and this is interesting because that would make it sound like your ex probably doesn’t want to talk to you or want you to reach out…
The paradox occurs when you actually talk to our success stories. They’ve used the no contact rule on their ex to the point their ex doesn’t reach out to them and they’re forced to reach out to their ex first.
And when you talk to those people and ask them about that their ex was thinking during the no contact rule the answer is almost always the same:
” I was just waiting for you to reach out first”
What does this Mexican standoff over reaching out first tell us?
Well, that your ex does want you to reach out to them and they’re too stubborn to do it first.
Now I know reaching out first can feel like a “failure” but if you really want your ex back, there are no winners and losers. You both want the same thing and it’s totally okay for you to start that first conversation.
But this is where it gets interesting – HOW you reach out to your ex is almost just as important as when you reach out to your ex.
How You Reach Out To Your Ex Is Almost as Important As When You Do
I think we have the when part down.
If you don’t know, it’s basically right after you end a no contact rule with your ex.
Now it can’t just be any random message, definitely not a “hey, what’s up” message because why would anyone reply to that after being ignored?
This message has to be special enough to grab your ex’s attention and make them want to respond to you.
When I started my website ex boyfriend recovery, I didn’t have a lot of data on what worked so we tried a lot of different ideas out.
Some ideas worked; others didn’t but usually, the ideas that did work had major flaws with them because they’d only get short responses without building any foundation for future conversations.
So after lots of stress-testing and observing what worked best for real people who not only got responses but ultimately got their ex’s back we came up with three essential things that you need to include in your first reaching out text message.
But before we get into those I want to address the internal strife you have against reaching out, especially if you’re a female.
For some reason, women always feel like they’re giving up ground if they reach out first and they’ll “lose” the breakup.
Here’s what I always tell them:
It doesn’t matter who reaches out first, what matters is the quality of the conversation, and who ends the conversation.
So don’t see this as a win-lose situation.
You’re simply trying to restart a conversation with your ex.
Who cares if you let them have this one “win”.
Here’s the cool part: if you listen to my advice about exactly how to reach out to your ex first, you’ll win by confusing them and changing their preconceived notions about you.
The three rules of sending the perfect text message when reaching out to your ex first:
- Implement a “damsel in distress” text message
- Use a “camouflage sentence”
- Use the “Benjamin franklin effect”
Let’s dig down deeper.
The Damsel in Distress Text Message
It becomes clear from interviewing success stories that the most effective text message that we’ve ever come up with is the damsel in distress text message because it really taps into your ex’s hero complex.
Usually, the damsel in distress message is not as simple as saying “help me”.
There need to be reasons and hooks into why your ex would even want to help you.
Here’s a great example of a damsel in distress text message idea:
The most recent success story interview that I conducted a week ago was with a woman named Sara. Now Sara came up with a brilliant idea to get help with her taxes. She knew that doing taxes was going to be extremely difficult and that her ex knew a lot more about taxes than she did.
She basically sent him a text message saying,
“Hey do you mind if you could help me in doing these taxes?”
“Of course, except it would be easier if we jumped on the phone”
There you go!
Not only did she get a really positive response of him agreeing straight away but he even went as far as breaking that barrier of actually talking over the phone.
That is the power of the damsel in distress text message.
Of course this is one of the more perfect examples and it doesn’t always work out this way. Sometimes if you play your cards a little too aggressively your ex will simply say no to whatever you’re asking help for.
But generally speaking, it is the most effective type of text message to use out of no contact. But there is one small problem…you just ignored your ex for thirty days at a minimum so isn’t it just weird to abruptly reach out to them?
That’s where the camouflage sentence comes into play.
The Camouflage Sentence
I would define camouflage as inserting an idea that makes your counterpart doubt their preconceived notions about you
The next obvious question is how do you do that?
How do you insert an idea that breaks the tension?
The number one question someone is going to have when they see a text message from you after they’ve tried to reach out to you multiple times is obviously “why didn’t you respond before?” or “where have you been?”
The best way to respond to this is by giving your ex a legitimate reason why you’re reaching out to them now. Usually that reason is because of an emergency, which really fits into the damsel in distress aspect because damsel and distress situations happen as emergencies.
One of my favorite text messages that almost always works is where you ask for help at work from your ex. I want you to see as I spell out this text message if you can notice the camouflage effect –
Now obviously the “insert problem” part is going to be unique to you.
That’s where you have to put your thinking cap on and figure out what would be something that you would need his/her help with. But the camouflage comes in to answer the question of “why are you reaching out to me now?”
Well, that’s actually answered in “Hey, since everyone at my work sucks and I don’t feel like ruffling any feathers…”
This one sentence is meant to disarm your ex.
It’s meant to camouflage the reason why you’re reaching out.
This message shows enough urgency and trust in your ex that he would have no choice but to help you out.
There are lots of different ways you can camouflage your text messages but you must do it because it will disarm your ex’s preconceived notions about you. They see that you’re in an emergency and they feel like they have to help you.
Now there’s a reason why this kind of camouflage is so important when reaching out to your ex…
The Benjamin Franklin Effect
Have you ever done a favor for someone only to have them not do a favor for you in return?
In fact, what you find is that you do a favor for them and then they ask you for another favor and you do that one and then you’re just trapped in an endless circle of doing favors without getting anything back – that is the Benjamin franklin effect.
It’s been found that people who do favors first are more likely to do favors for that person again and again and again…and this is embedded within the damsel in distress message.
It’s essentially you asking your ex for a favor and if they do the favor for you they’re more likely to do another one…and another one…and another one.. you get the idea.
That’s when you have them hooked in having a conversation with you.
The first step of starting a conversation after a no contact rule is always the hardest but once that’s done, the floodgates are open for you to have regular conversations with your ex.
That’s why this is the premier first contact text message you should be sending to your ex first.
Your ex definitely wants you to reach out after the no contact rule because he’s probably too stubborn to do it himself.
There is no shame in reaching out and in fact if you reach out with the perfect message and end the conversation first you’re actually gaining an advantage!
Here are the three things to remember for the perfect reach out message:
- Try a “damsel in distress” message that taps into your ex’s hero complex by asking for help
- Insert a “camouflage sentence” that breaks the ice of why you’re reaching out after so long
- Observe the “Benjamin Franklin” effect that dictates that if your ex does you this favor once, they’re more likely to do it again.