The no contact rule is the most popular post-breakup strategy that I and most other breakup experts recommend, yet despite its popularity and effectiveness, about 80% of people break the no contact rule on their first attempt.
Today I’ll take you through everything you need to know about messing up the no contact rule such as why it happens, what’s going on in an ex’s mind when they guilt trip you into breaking no contact, and what you should do if you mess up.
Let’s begin!
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWhat To Do If You Messed Up The No Contact Rule
Let’s start from the top and define the no contact rule.
Now, I’ve talked about the no contact rule for nearly a decade but after examining some shortcomings we’ve redefined what an effective no contact rule should be:
The no contact rule is a period of time where you ignore your ex on purpose. The intent of this tactic should NOT be used to make your ex miss you, but instead should be used to rebuild your own life so that you outgrow your ex. By doing this, the no contact rule can have the added benefit of making an ex miss you.
Over the years we’ve noticed that the intent of someone going into a no contact rule dictates how likely they are to make an ex miss them.
Most of our clients who jump into no contact only wishing to make their ex miss them lose out on any chances of self-improvement and therefore don’t really give their exes something new to come back to.
On the other hand, when people enter the no contact rule with the intent of working on themselves and rebuilding their life without their ex, they are often happier in the long run and have better chances of having their ex miss them.
The Three Types Of No Contact
The types of no contact might not seem relevant here, but this article only applies to one type so it’s important to understand whether you even fall in that category.
The three types of no contact are:
- Indefinite – The indefinite no contact rule is our suggestion for people who want to get over their exes. It involves staying in no contact forever – essentially ghosting or cutting your ex out of your life because they’re too narcissistic or chaotic.
- Limited – The limited no contact rule exists when there are unavoidable situations that force you to interact with your ex on some level, such as having shared children or working in the same office etc.,
- General – The general no contact rule is relevant to 90% of the population where there are no special circumstances forcing interactions with your ex.
Going forward, this whole article is about messing up the general no contact rule as this is relevant to most of you reading.
What Does Messing Up Actually Look Like?
First things first, as I already said – about 80% of our clients mess up the no contact rule at some point. So it’s much more common than you’d think.
Messing up a no contact rule basically means breaking it before the desired time period has been completed.
For example, if you decided on a 30 day no contact rule, you must ignore your ex for 30 full days. If you speak to them at any point before the 30-day mark, you’ve broken the no contact rule. There are lots of different ways people break the no contact rule but here are the three main issues our clients face:
You break it by responding to an ex when you feel bad
This usually happens when your ex reaches out and guilt trips you for not responding to them, so you feel like you owe them an answer.
You show up at their house or work to get their attention
This happens because you’ve grown so used to spending time with your ex and seeing them that when the breakup breaks that pattern, all you want is to see them again and somehow return to your routine. It’s definitely a creepy thing to do but certainly not as bad as the next one…
You put yourself in a position where you will “accidentally” run into them.
This usually happens with the people who are internally negotiating the no contact rule – their mind knows a no contact rule is a necessary step, but their heart yearns to see their ex, so they somehow make it happen. These people look for excuses like grocery shopping at the same store as their ex hoping to run into them or even changing their work route to potentially catch a glimpse of their ex.
Why So Many of Our Clients Fail the No Contact Rule?
When people usually talk about messing up the no contact rule, they usually just stress the importance of finishing that period, but they don’t really get on your level to explain WHY people are pushed to break no contact.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizMaybe it’s because they don’t understand what it’s like to implement a no contact rule on someone that you love potentially more than anything in your life right now. Here are some really common components of the reasoning for why people fail the no contact rule:
They feel bad about ignoring their ex
If you’re a kind person implementing the no contact rule can feel like some unfair emotional manipulation. You might feel so bad doing it that you prematurely give up to avoid hurting your ex.
Their ex pulls the guilt trip on them
This is where your ex reaches out with some absurd messages meant to guilt trip you such as:
“You’re being super childish and immature”
“I can’t believe you would do this to me”
The point of these messages is to make you feel bad for upsetting them so you immediately break the no contact rule to calm them down.
They get worried that their ex will forget them
People get scared that ignoring their ex will make their ex forget them but this is just irrational thinking.
I have never encountered a situation where your ex will forget about you. The worst that could happen is that they will try to ignore you because of your anxious behaviors, but that still doesn’t mean they’ve forgotten you.
They become terrified that their ex will find someone else during the no contact rule if they are out of sight, out of mind.
I suppose this is the most valid reason out there but here’s what I have to say to this. One of the main reasons your ex broke up with you was so they could explore their options as they believed they could do better than you. Regardless of how you handle the breakup, your ex WILL be looking for someone else to replace you so the no contact rule does not affect this.
Besides, the no contact rule prevents you from making the fatal mistake of inserting yourself into your ex’s honeymoon period with someone else.
Is It Bad To Mess Up A No Contact Rule?
I’ve said this several times and I’ll say it again – every single time that you have to restart a no contact period after you mess it up, it loses a little bit of effectiveness.
That’s not to say it can’t still be extremely effective, it just becomes less effective every time you mess up. I like to describe this like rewatching a movie you loved the first time.
The first time watching the movie is definitely the highest emotional point for you.
The second time is still pretty good but the emotions are slightly lower than the first time because you already know what to expect.
The third time around it might be too predictable and the more times you rewatch, the more you’ll get sick of it and any emotional connections will slowly disappear.
The same thing happens with the no contact rule. If you keep doing it over and over again at some point your ex will catch on and it won’t be effective anymore.
Time for a rare call out:
If you have failed at a no contact rule five times, do not blame me because it’s not effective. Instead, blame yourself because you weren’t disciplined enough to see it through.
Now on to the ultimate question…
Exactly What You Should Be Doing If You made A Misstep
This is the easiest thing to answer ;
You start the no contact rule all over again.
It doesn’t matter if you broke no contact on day 7 of a 30-day no contact period or day 28.
You MUST start over each time because you’re clearly still missing the whole point of the no contact rule. If you’re undisciplined enough to break a no contact rule when it’s almost over it’s clear that you have not emotionally outgrown your ex.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizRemember- the main point of a no contact rule is to get to a place emotionally where you outgrow your ex and no longer obsess over whether they come back to you.
As I already stressed – going into no contact with the intent of emotionally outgrowing your ex is much more powerful than trying to harm your ex or make them miss you.
The whole idea is that a successful no contact rule will leave you thinking that it’s cool if your ex comes back, but if they don’t you’ve still become a better person. Breaking the no contact rule and giving in to your ex means you’ve missed that point as you are still obsessive over your ex so you gotta go back to the beginning!
Now I want to circle back specifically to the situation where your ex guilt trips you to respond during no contact because I know it’s people’s number 1 fear.
How To Look At Being Guilt Tripped By An Ex
Implementing a no contact rule is a stark change from your past – whether that past was you anxiously blowing up their phone after the breakup or you both spending lots of time together before your breakup.
When you go from so much contact and emotional availability to being an inaccessible silent wall your ex will feel angry and annoyed.
They’ll try to reach out and guilt trip you about what you’re doing to them.
You might be tempted to give in because you don’t want to hurt their feelings but here’s how I would train you to look at this situation:
If your ex wanted immediate responses, they shouldn’t have broken up with you or suggested a breakup in the first place.
In this regard I want you to look at the no contact rule as a consequence of bad behavior.
Your ex’s bad behavior was breaking up with you first and then trying to play a subconscious game of guilt-tripping you till you respond to them.
If you end up breaking the no contact rule, you are just rewarding their bad behavior and giving the message that they can make you break no contact whenever they want.
On the other hand, if you stay strong in your no contact rule it will serve as the perfect consequence for your ex’s bad behavior.
This is more relevant to those of you who were broken up with as opposed to those who broke up with their exes. Finally, it’s crucial to understand the role anger plays in your ex’s response to bring ignored.
Anger is the ultimate defense mechanism that drives your ex to guilt-trip you
I want to explain this point with a real-life example from our private Facebook support group.
Our group has thousands of people who have purchased our ex recovery program and are willing to share their experiences, problems, and advice with others going through similar situations.
So this woman in the group explains that she’s in the middle of a no contact rule and around day 14 her ex starts to guilt-trip her by saying, “you are so selfish and childish; how dare you react this way.”
Her instinctive reaction is to feel guilty and concerned because her ex has never been this angry before.
To fully understand this situation and how to handle it, we must understand what anger really is. Anger is a defense mechanism. It is a result of being upset or sad or feeling shame over not getting something that they want. In this case, what your ex really wants is your attention.
They’re trying to find ways to make themselves feel better and tell themselves they’re not wrong. But we clearly know they’re wrong or they wouldn’t have broken up with you.
Having an ex tell you that you are selfish or acting childish for not responding to them implies that they are selfless and not childish, but when we look at the situation all you are doing is minding your own business and moving past a breakup. On the flip side, they’re the ones throwing a tantrum since things aren’t going their way. So, who’s actually more childish in this circumstance?
Conclusion:
- Almost everyone who attempts the no contact rule fails at some point so don’t beat yourself up too much for doing it.
- People mess up in all kinds of ways like responding to their ex when they feel bad, showing up at their ex’s house, or orchestrating “accidents” to run into their ex.
- The reasons for these lapses in no contact can be because they feel bad, their ex is guilt-tripping them, they’re afraid their ex will forget them and fall in love with someone else.
- Whatever your reason for breaking no contact may be, the only solution is to restart no contact all over again.
- This is very important because the point of a no contact rule is to emotionally outgrow your ex and you’re not achieving that if you keep breaking no contact.
- Most importantly you must remember that the effectiveness of the no contact rule goes down each time you start over so try to be more disciplined and get through it the first time around.
Shannon Gillespie
August 30, 2023 at 9:02 am
I messed up my own no contact by hugging my ex who broke up with me 3 months ago i was at a salsa dance event when I displayed affection towards him event after he he was unkind in his texts during the break up, I’ve emplemented no contact again can I still redeem myself?
Coach Shaunna
September 30, 2023 at 4:30 pm
Hi Shannon, yes you can redeem yourself be sure that you use this time to work on yourself and complete the NC correctly.
Lindsey
August 28, 2023 at 10:31 pm
My ex was in a helicopter accident. It’s been 16 days since NC. I spoke to his parents but I did Not reach out to him. Is this considered breaking NC? If not, is the accident a reason to break it?
Coach Shaunna
August 30, 2023 at 8:15 am
Hi Lindsey, I would say that you can reach out along the lines of “I heard about the accident, spoke to your parents, hope you’re resting and feeling okay” and that be the end of your conversation and be sure that you do not engage in further conversation.
Anastasia
April 23, 2023 at 10:14 am
My ex put my things out of the house and into the shed, I got upset and reacted stating “I asked you not to touch my things. You put my things in a dirty shed. I didn’t deserve that. That’s low for you” I broke limited contact and responded out of hurt. It was wrong for him to do this in a house under my name tho I don’t live there. What should I do? Apologize? Or go back into no contact? We been in limited contact for 60 days. How long should no contact be?
Coach Shaunna Nicol
May 5, 2023 at 4:41 pm
Hi Anastasia, so 60 days is a long time why were you following the LNC rule for such a long time? Was the limited due to you owning the house? I would suggest that you take 21 days NC and then reach out with Chris’ suggestions in his articles and videos
Ash
July 15, 2022 at 5:44 pm
I broke the no contact rule for the third time and the situations became more worse. I didn’t know he still had my number saved in his mobile until he told me that he’s deleting it this time. He deleted my number and also blocked me in WhatsApp. I think the chances of getting him back are nil now.i regret a lot for breaking the no contact rule. Will he come back??
Coach Shaunna Nicol
July 18, 2022 at 9:06 pm
Hey Ash, I can’t tell you if he will come back or not I’m sorry, however, at this point you are forced to complete a No Contact until your ex unblocks you. Use this time to work on yourself and become stronger with your emotions and learn to control how you respond to things that upset you.
A
March 4, 2022 at 4:42 am
Hi, I’m really worried I messed up completely. My ex and I were still talking and “friends” for awhile after breaking up, I ended up finding out he got into a rebound situation with the girl I was insecure about who had tried to befriend me months ago and I got upset at him. He never opened anything I sent, it got messy and I blocked him then unblocked him because he was ignoring me. He had told me two days before I found out that he loves me and we might work out in the future. He hasn’t said anything to me since then and it’s been about 11 days. But I’ve sent three messages, one short apology days ago, a be safe text because of a storm today and then a slightly longer apology for my friend trying to stick up for me when everything happened and being kinda nasty to him. If I go back into no contact could he still possibly reach out eventually? Please help
Jenna
November 18, 2021 at 1:12 am
40 days no contact. I thought I was emotionally secure so I reached out. He was eager to meet. We met, at his place, and talked, he made us dinner. It was nice to see him. He misses me and wants to be friends. He kept showing me how improved he was, his nice place, new neighborhood etc. He dumped me so this was tough to see/hear both how “improved” and well he is doing and also the friends bit. He mentioned the Holidays and I lost it a bit. Excused myself to regroup in the bathroom. Came back and tried to continue as level as I could. He wanted to talk about the relationship but it didn’t go super well. I confessed how hurt I was and how much I missed him. We parted ways nicely, he initiated a nice hug and seemed oddly chipper which may have been an intential front, I am not sure. I made the mistake of texting him later when I got home how much I missed him and how upset I was that he left like that and left me with all the responsibilities of our home (which we shared). I also said I didn’t want to be friends becuase I could never view him that way and that it wouldn’t be good to be firends if we started dating other people. it would be hard. He responed two days later that he wants to resond to my text but is taking time to make his response, sorry for the delay. It’s been 3 days now and nothing. Should I go into no contact again? Wait for his response first? While I feel proud that I shared with him how I was feeling, how I was hurt and where I am not wanting to be friend zoned, it was a tough text to send when I do want him back. Not sure next steps?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 10, 2022 at 9:12 pm
Hi Jenna, I think your ex is conflicted in what to respond to you but I agree that you should have told him you were not willing to be friends while you are still wanting him back. However, if he begins dating you then need to put yourself in the friendzone and start following the being there method. In the time that you know he is still single you need to be sure that you are working on yourself just as he has. I understand that is hard as it sounds as if he has left you in a financial burden in some way, but the best thing you can do is work yourself to be the Ungettable girl in your exes view and this is how he is going to consider that he made a mistake ending the relationship.
Becky
October 10, 2021 at 7:39 pm
My ex and I broke up on 17th August. He suggested being friends- I agreed he contacts me a lot sooner than expected (2 days later) and we kept in contact for 6 weeks, we were sorting things out and was due to meet up but then had an argument, I messaged him to say that I understand he’s angry so I’ll give him some space, he knows where I am if he wants to speak in future (this was two weeks ago) then on Friday I reached out to him to say I miss talking and sharing things with him, but if he’s not ready for that yet I understand. I’ve not had a reply 🙁 have I ruined my chances? What should I do now?
Miles
September 24, 2021 at 8:20 am
2 days, no contact, ex contacts me. I keep it short, next day she contacts me again, i sort of reach out alil more. Then a few hours pass and then i said some things, no name calling or any thing like that, just like i called her a few times, she did answer, i said please call me, i begg of you a few times, then i said, its time to move on, im not interested any more. Later i said im sorry, i didnt mean it and still no reply. I said, i love you very much and i left it at that.
My question is, can i try no contact one more time? If so i am going to stick with it this time.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 7, 2021 at 8:42 pm
Hey Miles, yes you can try the NC again but keep in mind that each time you break NC and restart it loses its effectiveness. It is really important that you stick with a solid 30 days minimum no contact, no matter how much they reach out to you, ignore them. Unless they say they want to get back together.
Ivy
May 14, 2021 at 6:43 am
Hey! My ex broke up with me a month ago after 3.5 years together. I begged and pleaded for around a week. He insisted on being friends and I tried it for some time but it was hurting too much. I started the no contact rule a week ago but I ended up replying when he called for 3 days in a row. I’m restarting it again. Do I still have any chance of winning him back?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 23, 2021 at 10:10 pm
Hey Ivy, yes you still have a chance but you are going to have to stick with NC this time around for it to work and be impactful.
Stacy
April 10, 2021 at 10:06 pm
Hi,
My ex has been contacting me on n off since I started my no contact rule on him. He says he misses me .. loves me but since things didn’t workout he wants me to stay there, don’t ever leave him but as friends. I told him I don’t want that.
But there have been some urgencies at his place due to covid n since he was always there for me I just am not able to ignore him at this time. I know things are very difficult for him right now.
We brokeup because we were very different people. But I try to ignore him but I am really confused what to do at this point of time.
I called him to ask how’s everyone now, but he somehow asks me if i still love him or why i left him alone like this just because we ended relationship.
I don’t know what to do. HELP!
Zoe
February 24, 2021 at 8:25 pm
I did 30 days no contact, my birthday happened to be during no contact. He contacted me once to say happy birthday and I didn’t reply. Now 30 days no contact is over, I reached out with the recommended texts adapted to suit his interests. He was very cold and gave short answers but today he finally opened up a little and I was able to have an actual conversation. Things were going well but then he randomly got angry and told me he is very mad that I didn’t respond to his birthday text. What do I do now?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 3, 2021 at 10:11 am
Hi Zoe it is not abnormal for someone to get upset when you have ignored them – it hurts their ego that you didnt jump at the chance to speak to him. You just continue to follow the program giving that you did not get too emotional during your first conversation. Remember its all about positive short conversations that grow gradually to build your connection with your ex again.
Emma
February 15, 2021 at 6:08 am
It’s have been 43 days since I contacted my ex and received no response. I am still in no-contact mode currently. I still want to reconnect and rekindle a healthy friendship and romantic relationship with my ex. He blocked me on social media and my phone number. I really want to tell him that I am very interested in him. How can I tell and show that I am committed and interested in him 100% if he blocked me on social media and my phone number?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 16, 2021 at 8:52 pm
Hey Emma, if you are in a hard block then there is nothing you can really do apart from work on yourself until you are unblocked – this article could be some help to you
Twinkle
February 14, 2021 at 8:34 pm
Hey EBR Team! My ex-boyfriend and I have been on-again and off-again for 6 years. Last year, I found out about this site and pretty much used most of the methods suggested on here. There was a time when he was influenced for some time, but then seemed disinterested again, probably because I skipped the value chain. He never initiates but always responds in one word or negatively or sometimes positively. Just yesterday, he hard blocked me EVERYWHERE and said I should forget he exists. What should I do next? His Birthday is approaching in April, should I wish him?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 16, 2021 at 8:57 pm
Hi Twinkle, so no you should not use his birthday as a way to reach out as this is clear that your ex needs some space away from you so give your ex this time, and in the mean time you need to read some more articles on the website to help you through the program. I would suggest that you start with this one – https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/can-i-text-my-ex-on-his-birthday-lets-end-this-discussion-right-now/
Rose
February 13, 2021 at 6:03 pm
My situation is really complicated. My ex and I lost touch during the last months. The break up was a year ago because of the distance, when I came back to my country for academic reasons, even if my plan was, and still is, going back to where we lived when were together. Last three times (in four months or so) I texted him he didn’t answer and he didn’t even read last two times. He doesn’t use social media, but he has facebook and had me as friend but I discovered that he deleted (not blocked) me. I sent him a message playing fool like “if this was a mistake because my facebook does that sometimes…” and told him that I would like to stay in touch as before. No answer, he didn’t read it. He doesn’t have me blocked anywhere but of course I’m not gonna insist. I don’t understand what is happening, he was not like that, after the break up we kept in touch because he really wanted (and me too). I miss him and I’m planning to go back to that city and I would love to meet for a coffee and… Well, I would like to get him back but step by step. But that’s impossible if he ignores me.
The main problem is that he doesn’t use social media (the facebook profile is outdated, I don’t use mine either) and no sphere of influence right now (common friends are not there or in touch anymore) so the UG can’t be used here. Also, not knowing about him and his circunstamces doesn’t help. Maybe is a reason for all this, maybe he has a girlfriend (I don’t think so since he still has his profile in a dating app), maybe he had some trouble, maybe he’s not fine, maybe he’s stressed with work… Who knows, I just know that he’s alive.
I want t have the chance to keep in touch but I don’t know what to do. Here are my texts for him for whenever he wants, he has my number, he can come to me, of course but… I don’t know what to do for that. I don’t want to text him again, obviously, I am not blocked, I don’t want to risk that. But there’s nothing I can do…
Please, can you help me?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 17, 2021 at 6:59 pm
Hi Rose, from what you have told me there is not a lot you can do until you are back around mutual friends again. It is just about being Ungettable for YOURSELF not just so that your ex notices so keep working on that in the mean time.