In this post I’m going to be discussing the merits of ignoring an ex boyfriend to get them back.
We’ll be taking a deep dive into how your ex feels when your ignore them and if it’s something you should even attempt.
Hint Hint: It is!
So, without further ado I present my case on why ignoring your ex to get them back is an essential piece of the puzzle.
Why Ignoring Your Ex Boyfriend After A Breakup Works
Ignoring an ex to get them back is pretty controversial.
Some people will swear by it and other will call it childish and manipulative.
So, where do I stand?
Well, after doing this for half a decade I can honestly say that I believe it’s an essential part of the process if it’s done in the proper context and I have psychological proof to back up my claims.
Ultimately there are three things that I’d like to discuss with you today,
- You Need To Ignore Your Ex In The Proper Context
- Understand There Are Two Reasons For Why We Want To Ignore Our Exes
- Consider The Benefits Of How It’ll Make Them Feel
Let us begin!
Concept #1: You Need To Ignore Your Ex In The Proper Context
Here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery our version of “ignoring an ex” is the no contact rule.
If you are wondering what that is then look no further than one of my best selling books to explain it to you.
And if you tend to be very visual by nature simply watch this video,
Understanding no contact isn’t so much what I want to talk about right now, I’ll get into that later. Instead, I’d like to talk about it’s placement throughout our overall process.
You see, when someone comes to me and asks me if ignoring their ex to get them back is a good strategy my answer is pretty simple,
Relationships thrive on communication and ignoring your ex and expecting them to come back to you on their own accord probably won’t work.
Countless studies show that “the silent treatment” is extremely harmful to the continuation of a relationship.
In fact, Paul Schrodt, PhD goes as far as saying,
The silent treatment is ‘tremendously’ damaging to a relationship. It decreases relationship satisfaction for both partners, diminishes feelings of intimacy, and reduces the capacity to communicate in a way that’s healthy and meaningful.
Silent Treatment = Bad
And yet you’ll see me and countless other relationship experts recommending it after a breakup.
Have you ever considered why?
Well, there’s really two primary reasons.
Concept #2: There Are Two Primary Reasons For Why We Want To Ignore Our Exes
Curious as to what they are?
- You aren’t ignoring your ex forever
- The pretense in which you are ignoring your ex makes sense
The first reason is actually pretty straight forward.
You won’t be ignoring your ex forever.
In order to avoid all of the bad damaging effects of “the silent treatment” you will eventually get back in touch with an ex after the no contact rule.
If you read my book, Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO I talk about this idea called the value chain,
It’s essentially the “go to” barebones strategy that we teach to people who use our process.
Take note of how the no contact rule is the very first thing you do in the strategy.
This is the “ignoring portion” of the strategy but it doesn’t last forever.
Instead, you completely switch gears after the no contact rule and start re-establishing contact with your ex and building attraction up.
Again, this first thing we are talking about here is very straightforward.
The second thing, we’ll that’s where things get a bit more complicated.
The Pretense In Which You Are Ignoring Makes Sense
I’m always looking for new angles to illustrate my points.
I can’t tell you how aggravating it is to write an article and then have to rewrite the same article over and over again.
Therefore, I’m always looking for ways to fine tune my beliefs or better explain why things work out in a certain way.
Anyways, today I stumbled across a fascinating article that made me reevaluate why the no contact rule is effective.
I’ll give you a bit of a background.
A woman has a strange pet peeve.
She hates it when her husband walks into a room, turns on a light and then leaves the room without turning the light off,
Pretty soon by the end of the day her husband had “lit” up the whole house.
It annoyed her to no end until one day she decided that instead of “nagging him” to stop this behavior which clearly wasn’t working she figured she would give him a dose of the silent treatment.
She was going to stop nagging him, stop cleaning up after him and just see what happened.
It didn’t work.
Weeks later, after their electric bill had gone through the roof she caved in and cleaned up after him.
But why didn’t it work?
Well, according to John Mayer, PhD this version of the silent treatment can be very effective IF the person understand why it’s happening.
In other words, if the woman had, had a discussion with her husband about why she is going to “go silent” it might have worked to alter his behavior.
Now, after reading about this story and made me think about the no contact rule.
So often I’ll recommend to my clients that it’s important that they just jump into the no contact rule cold turkey without any kind of explanation.
Do I still believe that, that is the smartest way to go about it?
Your reason for “ignoring cold turkey” is built in.
A breakup has occurred so how you are acting makes sense on some level to your ex and that can also explain why the no contact rule as a version of the silent treatment is so effective.
Concept #3: Consider The Benefits Of How Ignoring Your Ex Will Make Them Feel
A few weeks ago I wrote an article talking about some of the unseen reasons that ignoring your ex works.
I even filmed a video over it,
Pretty much everything I talk about in the article and the video operates under the assumption that the no contact rule (our primary ignoring method) is going to make your ex feel enough emotions to take actions to remedy things between the two of you.
I’m really proud of that article and that video because I dug deep and talked about psychological concepts that have never been mentioned online with regards to the no contact rule before.
- Information Gap Theory
- Zeigarnik Effect
I mean, think about that for a moment.
Look at all these amazing benefits that you get when you ignore your ex for a short period of time.
Now, to the uninitiated you may be looking at that list of psychological terms and thinking,
What the heck is Chris going on about?
So, here’s what I figured we could do.
I’m going to give you a quick crash course on all of the terms above so that you understand how they will make your ex feel when you ignore them.
Are you ready?
How Does Reactance Make Your Ex Feel?
The no contact rule really works because of the concept of reactance.
Reactance: Human beings are born with certain behavioral freedoms and when they feel those freedoms being threatened or taken away they will respond in a way to try to get that freedom back.
By ignoring your ex via the no contact rule you are putting them in a position where they have to win that behavioral freedom back.
How Does Information Gap Theory Make Your Ex Feel?
The word of the day here is curiosity.
Specifically, when there is a gap of information a person will grow more curious and try to fill in the gap
So, by implementing a no contact rule suddenly without any explanation which is something we talked about above your ex is bound to grow curious and pay more attention to you.
This makes your life easier if you are trying to get them back.
How Does The Zeigarnik Effect Make Your Ex Feel?
The Zeigarnik Effect is pretty clear in it’s definition,
People remember uncompleted or interrupted tasks better than completed ones.
Pretty much all of my coaching clients complain to me that they feel there is unfinished business with their exes.
When you ignore your ex via the no contact rule that prolongs closure for your ex which means they are likely to remember you more because that closure has been interrupted.