By EBR Team Member: Ashley

We are used to people reaching out to us asking what constitutes a good reason to break no contact here at the ExRecovery.

Birthdays.

Anniversaries.

Accomplishments.

Most of the time this boils down to just looking for excuses.

We’ve actually written articles on that if you are one of the many.

However, for the most part, sticking with No Contact is usually your best bet for success.

Why is No Contact So Difficult?

In order to fix a problem, you have to understand what the underlying issue is.

So, what makes No Contact so difficult?

Well part of your challenge is you don’t have an awesome book to help you through the process.  That is why I wrote “The No Contact Rule Book”.  So go pick up a copy!

Well, a break-up isn’t easy to begin with. And missing someone you were close with is completely normal.

So, don’t be hard on yourself if you are struggling.

It happens to everyone.

So, let’s look at what makes No Contact the most difficult part of getting your ex back.

You Are Used to Having Him Around

When I’m working, I always have my phone on the left of my workspace and my coffee, water, and stylus to the right. This keeps my clumsy self from spilling my drink all over the place or losing my stylus like I have so many times.

When my phone chimes, I don’t even have to look up to get it. My hand goes to it instinctively. I don’t have to worry that it won’t be where it’s supposed to be.

A breakup works the same way.

When you’re involved with someone, or even just crushing on someone, they populate the space in your mind that you go to when it wanders.

In a relationship, you begin to rely on them being there.

These days, couples exchange several hundred texts in a day.

So, it isn’t surprising that, when you stop focusing on something in front of you, your mind would wander to someone you are used to being able to reach out to. I mean, for however long you were together, you could simply reach out to him for anything. You could even just ask him how his day was or what he’s up to.

During No Contact, the urge to text him is usually habitual.

A lot of women think, “If only I could just talk to him… he’d understand how I feel and we’ll get back together.”

People who have just gotten out of a relationship don’t usually respond favorably to a direct approach.

The reason No Contact has resulted in so many successes is that it takes a more indirect approach.

He Keeps Contacting You

It is not uncommon for an ex to try and stay in contact after a split.

If he thinks you broke up because of something he did or if he’s the one who broke things off, then it is possible that he feels guilty. The reason behind why he feels guilty could be a number of things, from feeling like he hurt you to fearing that you might hate him.

He doesn’t necessarily want you to love him. It’s just human nature not to want to be hated, especially if you cared for them at any point.

I’ve heard of several people’s exes, along with some of my own, asking, “Are we okay?” after a split.

Here’s the immediate conversation that was had right after my last big breakup. As for my side of the conversation, I kind of saw the break-up coming long before it happened.

 

 

It’s difficult, almost impossible, to keep No Contact if you are constantly hearing from your ex.

Usually, letting him know you need some time to process will give you the chance to make No Contact work for you.

You Are Being Triggered

Triggered, it’s a word that is being thrown around a lot these days.

The way that it is currently used most is when someone hears something that literally “triggers” a traumatic memory. And huuuuuuge debates are being held over what is and isn’t a trigger.

However, when I say it to you now I am referring to it as a causation of sorts.

When you shoot a gun, pulling the trigger is what causes the gun to go off. Generally, the bullet doesn’t leave the gun unless the trigger is pulled.

We’re looking for the starter or causation.

In your situation, something is causing you to want to reach out to your ex. Identifying the cause is the first step to finding a solution.

I will say, though, a breakup is a type of loss. For some people it can be traumatic almost Dealing with any kind of loss is difficult.

If it were simple and easy, we wouldn’t have thousands of women seeking us out every day.

Are You Sabotaging Yourself?

My friend’s mother used to say that, “sometimes it’s like our minds have minds of their own.”

I can attest to that.

Sometimes, the heart has a mind of its own, too. (I’m a big fan of the Awkward Yeti comics that portray this perfectly.)

I used to be a receptionist at a local country club. A lot of the things I did were repetitive and didn’t take a lot of thought. Often I would multitask. Some days, when I wasn’t feeling well or I just hadn’t had my coffee yet, it was almost as if I was on autopilot. I would greet the same person twice if the walked past me and not even notice until after. Or I would ask the same person how their day was multiple times.

Not because I forgot, but because my mind was doing what it knew I was supposed to be doing. If someone came through the door, I was supposed to greet them. When they left, I was supposed to ask how everything was.

If I wasn’t paying attention but I heard someone come in the door three times, I would most likely greet them three times.

Another example:

I used to date this guy several years ago.

We’re still friends to this day, but, when we were together, we would send each other obscure words and their definitions when we learned new ones.

One of my favorites was barbigerous, which means bearded or hairy.

We still do this when we find a particularly fun one.

Even though it wasn’t a hard break-up, for a while I had a hard time enjoying learning new words without considering reaching out to him.

When you get into a routine with someone and then suddenly they aren’t around, your mind can register this as a problem and it starts trying to find solutions.

Pick Up Your Copy of my eBook The No Contact Rule Book!

This is why you suddenly think of a reason to reach out after a split.

Back in the good old receptionist days, one of my coworkers’ exes came up to the desk where I was working and asked to speak to her about something important. I wasn’t even aware that they split up, but I could get ahold of her out on the golf course, so I told him I’d have her call him.

The next day, I asked her if she had remembered to call him.

You know what he wanted?

He wanted to return a hair tie she had left around his shower head several months before they broke up.

Seriously?

A HAIR TIE!

I mean, I once asked an ex to return some books. But, as a woman, I can tell you hair ties and bobby pins are acceptable losses.

We’ll talk about how to deal with your mind’s quest for solution below.

Figuring Out What Works for You

So, let’s get you some insight.

At the beginning of this article, we discussed WHY staying in No Contact is so hard, but we didn’t get into HOW to deal with the why.

We’re going to do that now.

First, I’m going to tell you that there are going to be some tactics that work for you and some that don’t. There will definitely be some tactics that will make you feel uncomfortable.

But, don’t worry.

You are already uncomfortable… right?

What’s losing a little more comfortability in order to get what you want?

Alright, so I broke this down into three sections.

Habits, actions, and identification.

Habits

Everyone has them, both good and bad.

One of the biggest offenders after a breakup is negative self-speak.

For those of you playing the home game, that would be the way you speak to yourself.

Have you been beating yourself for the way things went?

Have you been nitpicking over all of your bad traits?

That would be negative self-talking.

I actually just had a talk with someone I am close with about this. He streams video games and I noticed that he was talking bad about himself while he was playing, generally when he was struggling and didn’t have anything to say at the moment.

When he was lagging behind his team there was a lot of,

“I’m useless.” Or “I’m a piece of trash.”

I brought it up the next time we hung out together. It turns out, he didn’t even notice that he was saying it.

That is usually how it is.

You probably didn’t even notice you were doing this. You may still not think that you do.

But you will for sure notice if you do in the future.

So let’s talk about what to do if you find yourself doing this.

Number one, you can beat yourself to the punch by doing affirmations.

Affirmations are statements said with confidence about something that can be perceived as a truth.

This little girl, Jessica, has the right idea.

The way it works is that it reprograms the way you see yourself. When used properly, it can be quite effective.

“What you think about yourself is much more important than what others think of you.” -Marcus Annaeus Senaca

So….

How do you start?

I’ll lay out some easy steps for you.

First, I want you to fold a full sheet of paper and on the left side make a list. Include everything you’ve ever seen about yourself as being negative. Along with those, include anything anyone else has suggested is negative about you that you have held onto. You know what I mean. Kind of like that thing your mom nags you incessantly about. Things like that stick with you even if they are 100% correct.

Just include any thought that sticks with you that makes you feel unworthy or less than.

For example here are a few things that might turn up on a list:

As you can see, I’ve listed the type of negative talk out to the side in pink.

Now that you have a list, let’s talk about what you are going to do with it. You didn’t think we split the page in half for no reason, did you?

So, the next step would be to fill that right side in.

What we’re going to do is rewrite each of the statements on the left and fill them in on the right. The trick is to avoid negative words like not and can’t. Also, it helps to use powerful words.

Here’s the same list we looked at earlier. I’ll give you some examples using these tips.

Now comes step three.

These new statements down the right side of your page are going to become your new mantras.

Every morning you are going to repeat them out loud and with a backbone like you believe it. Then you are going to do it two more times a day.

It also helps if you write them out.

I like to doodle out the things I want to remember, like quotes or things I need to do. There’s just something about writing something down that helps it stick in your mind.

Step 1: List

 

Step 2: Rewrite

 

Step 3: Anchor It In Your Mind

If you are having trouble rephrasing, consider changing your point of view.

Don’t say anything to or about yourself that you wouldn’t say to or about a child that you love.

For example, I would never say, “You’re ugly,” to or about my niece.

Another way to break out of old habits is the “rubber band trick.”

This is where you wear a rubber band around your wrist and pop yourself with it every time you feel the urge to reach out to an ex.

A nice little trick I like to apply here is to keep track of what triggers the urge. I’m a big fan of the bullet journal. If you aren’t aware of this, just check out Pinterest. They are everywhere.

If you aren’t keen on the Bullet Journal way of life, simply keep a list somewhere handy and keep track of what happens right before the urge hits and how you feel after it passes.

Knowing what brings on the urge can help you recognize it for what it is or even to avoid what is causing the urges in the first place.

Actions

Actions can refer to both your actions and his.

So, when it comes to your actions it is up to you to control them. Add that to your list of affirmations.

“I decide how I react to the urges I am faced with.”

When it comes to his actions, it’s natural to internalize his actions as personal offenses.

Not everything he does is directed at you.

When you start to feel this way, remind yourself that your perception is skewed by the fact that he was yours and now no longer is.

We all want to think that our guy is one of the good ones. So, all of the good characteristics that he displayed at the beginning of the relationship became part of the way we saw them.

Think back to when you first met your ex.

Look at things that were there at the beginning that weren’t there at the end of the relationship.

Was he thoughtful and kind?

Did he cater to your needs and interests?

I’m going to tell you something that sounds obvious but we tend to overlook it when we are looking through the haze of puppy love.

I know it sounds silly, and everyone thinks it only happens to kids, but it is absolutely a real thing.

I call it the love haze. That sounds more adult, I suppose.

It get’s us all, even me.

It keeps us from remembering or taking to heart past relationships, friend’s situations, and articles like this one.

Remembering that a majority of the goodwill we garnish at the beginning of a relationship is just for show can make people leery of getting into relationships in the first place.

I think that this mentality is why traditional dating has been phased out, the general distrust of courting.

However, when people finally get into a relationship they get used to their partner putting forth that sort of effort. So, when they stop putting forth that kind of effort, it feels like he’s been doing it on purpose.

When in reality he’s just relaxing into the relationship and doesn’t feel the need to fake it to impress you anymore.

It isn’t meant to hurt you, although both you and I know that it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

So, now that the relationship is over, it’s hard to separate the person he became to make you happy and the person he actually is.

Most men, when they want something, they go after it in obvious and clumsy ways. So, unless he’s come out and told you that he wants you back or that he is and at you, then you have to find a way to look at his actions as something that isn’t directed at you.

Giving yourself a break from contact with you ex is the best way to achieve this. It will give you the clarity that you need to see things without prejudice.

Identify the Cause

Understanding what causes you to do the things that you do. You know that list of things that make you want to reach out to your ex, the triggers?

I’ve gone through breakups with men that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. It hurts. You want to understand and you can’t.

You want to ask questions, but everyone, including the exRecovery tea, has told you that would be a bad idea.

It feels like you can’t breathe.

So, how about you, are you gasping for air?

Well, let’s talk about A.I.R.

A.I.R. is all about how you deal with the things that trigger that desire to reach out and understand or reconcile.

AVOID

This is exactly what it sounds like. When an ex and I broke up a couple of years ago, I found myself wanting to reach out periodically to get clarity on why exactly we split and why we wouldn’t maintain a friendship eventually.

After running through what happened before and after the desire to reach out, I realized that the common denominator was driving down the road leading to the road he lived on.

Now, even years later, I still avoid going down the road.

INTERRUPT

Sometimes, we don’t really pin down what the causation is that spurns the desire to reach out is.

So, when you feel that desire, you should train yourself to interrupt it at the first sign it’s happening. This is where the rubber band trick comes in. It snaps you back to reality and out of the delusion that breaking No Contact now would be more convincing than waiting until you are through it.

That’s exactly what it is… a delusion.

Hey, I told you I was going to say some things that you wouldn’t like.

But just roll with me here.

What’s the first thing people say after a horrible thing happens?

“Things like this don’t happen to me!”

“This kind of stuff doesn’t happen here!”

No Contact generally works the same way for everyone.

In fact, thinking that you are special and that things will work out differently for you means that you are just like everyone else.

Reminding yourself that No Contact is a tried and true method that has worked for hundreds of thousands of people and it WILL work for you.

REPLACE

This one is also a commonly overlooked tactic. The idea is to replace the action of reaching out to your ex with something else.

However, it is something our minds do automatically without us even knowing.

Some people automatically reach for comfort food or a drink.

For me, when I am faced with the drive to reach out, I do something that signifies the beginning of the day. A lot of people find that this works for them too.

The one that works best for me is to take a shower. It’s like a hard reset on the day.

For other people, having supportive people in their life is what they replace it with. Instead of reaching out to an ex, they reach out to a friend, a parent, or sibling. Someone, who can talk them out of it or distract them.

They know the situation you are in and can sympathize.

Alright Let’s Wrap This Up

So, I know I wrote a lot in this article and it’s a lot to process, so I’m sure you are ready to wrap this up.

I get that.

I implore you to try everything and see what works. You might be surprised what works for you.

They will help you get your ex back. Just stick with it.

If you are still questioning whether or not No Contact works, check out this article and see if you still have doubts after.

Let me know how what you try and what works for you in the comments.

31 thoughts on “How To Stay In No Contact”

  1. Avatar

    Michelle

    July 23, 2019 at 2:17 pm

    My boyfriend and I broke up about a week ago. We had been dating for about 9 months. We got along well, traveled together well, but he is just recently divorced and he says he doesn’t want to be “that guy” that gets into a serious relationship right after his divorce. He says that he loves me and feels like if we break up now that there is a future for us later. He still wants to be friends and go out to lunch or dinner. He still will text me an average of once a day. The messages are just general life stuff…about work or kids…every couple of days it’s “ i miss you”. Do I initiate no contact or still be friends? It is so hard for me not to reply to his messages.

  2. Avatar

    EternalHope

    April 29, 2018 at 5:55 pm

    I just completed 30 days of no contact. He did not reach out once. I checked his twitter and I saw that he accused me of being in relationship 2 months before I broke up with him. As in I found someone and once I was sure it was going to work I dumped him. He also referenced some music I had started listening to at the time I supposedly started this relationship. He could be baiting me to get a reaction from me, but I think he thinks I did this because in the past I have broken up with him and asked him to come back each time. What do I do? Do I defend myself? He also took down the post a few hours later I just happen to see it. What should my first contact be? We lived together for 3 years so I could make an excuse about things he still has here.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 29, 2018 at 8:38 pm

      Hi Enternal Hope (awesome moniker!). First of all, go get a copy of my ebook, Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro, if you have not already! Its a huge blueprint on things you should and shouldn’t do. There are suggested initial texts you can use to get the ball rolling, but there is so much more involved in the process and you should get up to speed so as to improve your chances. Given you guys have considerable history and based on some of his little communication barbs, I do think your chances are better than average. I do think he is testing you, and with 30 days gone by, it time for you to start testing the waters with him. For now, don’t worry about his silly little accusations. You need not defend yourself, it just falls into his trap. Just act like you no nothing of it. Its a play to get you to rise up. So keep me in the loop as to how things proceed, my friend Eternal Hope!

    2. Avatar

      EternalHope

      May 3, 2018 at 4:29 am

      I didn’t get a notification of this response ::tear:: So I did send an email defending myself. He read this email multiple times. I also have to admit that I did concoct a plan with my friend to try going on dates since I was unable to get out of this relationship. Also have to add that he is an alcoholic. So he saw these messages so his accusation has a foundation between me and my friend and he confronted me. I told him that I didn’t know what to do anymore. He said I should leave. I asked him not to and then we never spoke of it again. I never acted on my plan but nonetheless I did concoct it.

  3. Avatar

    Lostmyinnocence

    April 6, 2018 at 4:26 am

    I broke up with him because we couldn’t communicate anymore. He has a lot of narcissistic qualities- lack of empathy and never apologizes. I put in too much effort and he took me for granted. I asked him to leave on Feb 23rd and I stayed at a friends. He didn’t leave until I came back and asked him to. I did not contact him after that. I normally ask him to come back after a week. I did not break. At the 2 week mark he asked if he could come pick up his things. I said I would mail his clothes. At 4 weeks he came to get the rest of his things. My friends handled the move-out but I ran into him. He looked horribly sad but said nothing. There was an angry text exchange the next day but I did not react or show any emotions. It’s been 5 weeks since I broke up with him. It’s been 5 days since he moved out completely. Is there hope?

    1. Jennifer Seiter

      Jennifer Seiter

      April 7, 2018 at 3:25 am

      Yes I think there’s still hope but do you still want him back even though he is showing narcissistic qualities?

    2. Avatar

      Lostmyinnocence

      April 7, 2018 at 3:39 am

      I just need to know that it didn’t mean nothing, even if we don’t get back together. We were together for 4 years. Will no contact work?

    3. Jennifer Seiter

      Jennifer Seiter

      April 8, 2018 at 2:31 am

      Yes I think no contact will work particularly well in your situation.

    4. Avatar

      Lostmyinnocence

      April 8, 2018 at 8:38 pm

      at what point do I decide that no contact isn’t doing anything and I should move on.

    5. Jennifer Seiter

      Jennifer Seiter

      April 10, 2018 at 7:00 pm

      That’s a great question. The only way you will know is if you go through the whole process. You will need to do 21, 30 or 45 days no contact and then start up the texting/ rebuilding attraction phase. If you have a neutral or negative response repeat the process, start over with no contact. Everyone is different but I wouldn’t recommend putting in more then 6-12 months on getting him back depending on your age.

  4. Avatar

    Linda

    March 6, 2018 at 3:29 pm

    So i was dating a man for a year – and it was one of the greatest relations i have ever had – (i am 51) we had more fun together and it was awesome. I was at the point where i wanted to know where we stood in things. Like did he love me – we have never said it so i just wasn’t sure. I wasn’t looking for anymore then that answer. I could tell it freaked him out. He told me that he thought i was awesome and had so much fun but didn’t know if he felt the same as I did. Told me it didn’t mean he never would, but right now he didn’t. Well instantly from there he fell off on communicating with him – which then freaked me out. He basically told me last night He needs a pause. Do you think there is any salvation here – or am i just fooling myself.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 10, 2018 at 4:32 pm

      Hi Linda,

      It looka like he’s confused and might not be ready to commit.. If he still doesn’t initiate after two weeks, either move on or try the nc rule..

  5. Avatar

    missaddie

    October 28, 2017 at 1:51 am

    My ex and I were together for four years and have a daughter together who is a little over a year old now. We broke up (he broke things off) about a month ago now, and I moved out about three weeks ago. I told him before I left that I was going to need some time to myself and that I didn’t want to talk to or see him for a while. I am staying with my mother, and we have been using both her and his mother as liaisons to indirectly communicate about our daughter. So, I have not seen or talked to him directly since I moved. We still attend the same gym but have so far not run into one another there—until tonight. Being involved in my own workout, I didn’t even notice he was there but at some point checked my phone and noticed I had a text from him asking if I wanted him to leave and saying he didn’t want to make me uncomfortable. I thought about replying with some friendly response about how I didn’t mind but eventually just decided the best thing to do was not reply at all and go about the rest of my workout as I would have if he weren’t there. And that’s exactly what I did. Did i do the right thing?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 31, 2017 at 6:57 pm

      Hi,

      You can stop nc at 30 or 45 days and then start slowly building rapport while continuing improving yourself…

  6. Avatar

    Jess

    September 9, 2017 at 12:12 am

    Hi Amor,

    I sent a message yesterday regarding my text situation and whether or not I should buy ExBoyfriend Recovery PRO if my text has been hot and cold blocking & unblocking me (and my family) off his phone and social media. He dumped me after a 3 year relationship due to his commitment to school wanting a degree and start his career without any distractions or unnecessary stress (me). Stating he didn’t want to put enegery into the relationship anymore and he has no time for me being that we are 2 hours away from each other (he doesn’t have a car) and on weekends he works. How is he suppose to know I’m ignoring him and not gnatting if he’s been blocking me this entire time? (It’s been a week) I don’t understand how someone went from practically being with me every day to wanting me out of their life for good.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 12, 2017 at 9:24 pm

      HI Jess,

      yep, buy the pro, the content would give you a lot of insights.. Be active in improving yourself and in posting and make your posts public so he can still see it if he blocks you.

  7. Avatar

    maine

    August 22, 2017 at 9:12 am

    my boyfriend broke up with me a week ago, he said he likes someone else. they’re not yet together but they started chatting few months ago when we started to have alot of fights because of i felt like he was losing time on me. now, he said its been alot different and he thinks that we can no longer be together. it just sudden, and i believe its just because of his peers or current environment he is at because he is not like that when we started. we were already building our future and all. i want him back. honestly, though i know i have said harsh things on him even my sister to him. hope you can help me.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 22, 2017 at 10:16 pm

  8. Avatar

    Alyssa

    June 30, 2017 at 6:58 am

    Hi Chris,

    In an article about rebounds you mentioned the Being There Method. How does this work in the context of No Contact?

    My situation is a mix of two types of rebounding (he started dating someone a little after we established just being friends, and ending the romantic relationship) though we were still talking as much as usual.

    He reached out to me a few weeks later, I responded cheerfully, but did not respond to his follow ups (which didn’t exactly require a reply, but it was more of a bid to connect and engage). After i ignored this, it became apparent on social media that they were still going out.

    Please help!! I’m so lost.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 30, 2017 at 4:55 pm

      HI alyssa,

      I’m sorry I’m not sure I understand your question, do you mean what are you going to do during nc if he’s in a rebound relationship?

  9. Avatar

    Julie

    June 8, 2017 at 11:33 am

    My boyfriend of 7 months and I broke up in early April- about two months ago. I was never able to successfully maintain No Contact. Sometimes I would text him every week, and the longest NC I was able to manage was 2 weeks. Everything was initiated by me- he never contacted me and occasionally ignored my texts altogether. I go to his work once a quarter for my own work, and two weeks ago asked him if he wanted to see each other on my latest trip there. We had lunch at his work, then, in the evening, had a long conversation about our relationship- again, all prompted by me. The long conversation was good, and he was kind to me as I was to him, but the main thing I got from him is that he wants to move on. I definitely didn’t get the sense that he missed me or that he wanted to revive our relationship. He held pretty firmly to his reasons for ending it and also thought it would be too awkward to be friends. A few days after our meeting, he also got back on online dating (which is how we met). So my question is- what do I do from here? It has been 10 days since we last talked. Do I keep doing No Contact and if so, how long? Should I do it longer since I have failed it for two months? Should I give up entirely since he is earnestly trying to date? Final question- I found a therapy book that I found to be tremendously helpful. It goes over reasons why people fall out of love even when the relationship is good. I think virtually the entire book offers helpful commentary on our breakup, and I’d really love for him to read it. Can I ever send it to him? And if so when? Or should I just forget about it? He does already see a therapist. Thank you for any feedback!

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 11, 2017 at 3:32 pm

      sending the book is like trying to convince him back.. it would be better to treat this as a restart and slowly build rapport

  10. Avatar

    Mariel

    June 8, 2017 at 12:27 am

    My ex broke up with me very abruptly after an argument we had the night before, after 6 months of dating. We had just gotten back from our first vacation together 3 days before the breakup and it was absolutely incredible. I have always felt you can tell a lot about a partner once you travel with the, and I don’t think it could’ve gone better. I know most people may assume it wasn’t abrupt and he was harboring some feelings of breaking up with me for awhile and maybe that argument just gave him the push he needed. But I know that isn’t true. His feelings for me didn’t change. It really was just an erratic decision, he even admitted to that when we spoke a week and a half later in person (he was a mess, bawling his eyes out…had pierced his ear to try to “find himself”, was expressing his disappointment in himself and how he needs to work on his communication and on himself in general).

    So we met up to chat a week and a half after the breakup and we both cried the entire time. It was honestly very cathartic and soothing for me. I needed to say the things I said and hear the things he said. It also helped to see he was as upset as I was, since I had little contact from him before that meeting. We both concluded that getting back together right then and there wouldn’t be wise. He mentioned that he knows me well and knows I’d never trust that he wouldn’t just end it again if we got right back together. I agreed and said I don’t think we should be together right now (which I think surprised him). After a 2 hour conversation, that was very healing for us both, I asked him what he needed from me moving forward and he suggested we don’t communicate for a few months. He said he thinks we will both be in much better places by then and we both can work on ourselves. I didn’t interpret that as him hinting maybe we will try to be together again…I just accepted it for what it was because I agreed with that. We hugged/cried really hard and said our goodbyes. He texted me the next day on my birthday (yes…this was the night before my birthday…ouch) and we haven’t communicated since. It will be 30 days of no contact in a few days here, and just really torn on how to move forward. I’ve been working on self improvement a lot here. I took up boxing (and love it), I have spent more time with friends, I’ve been journaling and meditating, I’ve been keeping away from social media (more successfully in just the last week), I’ve been staying busy with work and even left a job that was toxic to me. I’m starting to coach kids soccer (something I love) on the side, I’ve been helping friends with their dilemmas and being more available to other people than I was before, I even spent time to note the lessons I’ve learned from this relationship and things I’d want to work on whether I end up with my ex or someone new. My 2nd semester of grad school starts tonight, which is a new career change that is something I’m beyond passionate about. Which is great, because I actually know what I want to do with my life and am really happy with that. I have a lot going for me and realized this past few weeks how happy my life is. I was happy before I met him, and I know I can be happy without him. The problem is, he isn’t happy with himself or his life. But I just truly see him as added happiness to my life, and I know we both did that for each other. He once told me I was the only happiness in his life…and if I walked out the door, there goes his happiness. I know that isn’t great, but it makes it even more confusing as to why he ended things. I do think he depended on me for happiness more than I did for him…but he really added color to my world. I’ve never felt more supported, loved, cared for…and most importantly, HEARD in a relationship before. We shared the same values and dreams for the future regarding family, religion, children, lifestyle, etc. We had the same humor and made each other laugh constantly. We just vibed really well and added a lot to one another’s lives. Everyone around us always commented on how wonderful we were together.

    Anyways, my question here is…do I initiate contact after 30 days to start us communicating again? Or do I need to wait longer since we agreed not to communicate “for a few months.” Also, is it saying a lot that I haven’t heard from him? In my gut, he isn’t going to contact me first (at least for a loooong time) because I doubt he’s made some massive transformation in just 30 days to feel he’s worthy of me yet. I doubt he’s stopped drinking, or found a new job, or figured out his communication problems in just 30 days. I just don’t want to lose touch here…not for too long. It was sad watching him say he thinks there is a guy out there who can give me what he can’t. I know he can give me what I deserve…he just doesn’t see himself the way I do. My other concern is that I’m a fixer…and I don’t want to try to fix everything. I always do that and it backfires. My friends and family have seen how hurt I was from this and they really think it speaks volumes that he hasn’t reached out in 30 days to me…they think it should be on him. I’m trying to follow my heart, my gut and my intuition here. And I have concluded that I just don’t feel like i’m done with this relationship yet….I’m not ready to close the door on it. I’m just scared if I put myself back out there after working on healing…I’ll get rejected and hurt worse than before…So do I initiate contact after 30 days? Do I wait longer and respect the “let’s not communicate for a few months” comment? Is waiting longer too long? Looking forward to your thoughts.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 10, 2017 at 7:09 pm

      you can wait upto 45 days.. after that it would be better if you initiate

  11. Avatar

    Rose

    June 6, 2017 at 11:40 am

    Hey guys!
    I just wanted to ask for a bit of advice about a situation I’m in…
    This guy and myself have been on and off for about three years now. The longest time we stayed together was ten months, and then proceeded to be on and off again. This was due to us fighting or constantly getting jealous and ending the relationship. For about ten months, we didn’t talk, but since November last year – we’ve patched things up and had some major closer.
    Yada, yada, yada
    *time skip*
    For the first time since we broke up (after the ten month relationship), we kissed. Since then, we had been talking about dating again and we were really set on it. However, he went away on a school trip overseas and we facetimed the every night he was away that week – but two days before he was expected the come home, he just changed. He became cold, curt, rude, and wouldn’t talk to me but would still get upset if we didn’t call at nighttime…I eventually asked him what was wrong and he said he was having doubts; however he wouldn’t tell me what caused them. Out of frustration and hurt – thinking that this time was different – I called it quits.

    We haven’t properly spoken since.
    Except for today when I received a friend request from a girl who lives in the country he recently visited – them already being friends. I asked him who she was and he began to tell me how they met on his trip, all about her, how well they got along, and everything they were talking about. I got frustrated, and to avoid retaliating, I left all his messages on seen and went offline. Since then, he’s still talking about her – talking to her about all the stuff we used to when we first got together (television shows, books, games and sports).

    Should I reply at all?
    If so, what should I say?
    It looks as though she’s the reason he started having doubts. Is it even worth putting effort into trying to get him back?

    Sincerely,
    Rose

    1. Avatar

      Rose

      June 6, 2017 at 11:43 am

      The kiss happened about a month ago now, and I called it quits two weeks ago today

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 9, 2017 at 2:52 pm

      Hi Rose,

      if you’re going to start the no contact period then you should stop replying to him and to do at least 45 days.

  12. Avatar

    Lin

    June 6, 2017 at 6:56 am

    Hi!

    So I’m, currently in a bit of a pinch here (like everyone else here haha) Anyway, my ex and I broke up around a week ago and I immediately started no contact. But last night he messaged me and constantly bugged me in every social media possible. He even used our mutual friends to try to make me talk to him. And just this afternoon, I had to agree because it has become disruptive. Turns out he just wants to confess and apologize because he liked someone while were still going out. And he then continued to say that he misses me as his best friend (we were the closest friend before).

    He still likes this other girl but he said he continuously checks my profile and got pissed when another guy (a friend from highschool) posted a recent photo of us.

    I don’t know if I still want to be with him because he sort of cheated on me emotionally. And I know I messed the no contact rule. But right now, we’re talking the way we used to – like best friends. And I like it, not because it gives me butterflies or anything. I’m not even sure if I still love the guy.

    I guess the question is, should I be friends with my ex? Is it possible?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 9, 2017 at 12:02 pm

      HI Lin,

      right now, you look like you’re friendzoned.

  13. Avatar

    Priya

    June 4, 2017 at 8:25 am

    Hi Chris,

    My boyfriend broke up with me around two months ago. I pleaded , begged and apologized for everything till today. He blocked me on social media and then unblocked and again blocked and recently texted saying again that these fights are too much , our relationship is not in a good state, we have difference of opinions and we deserve better than each other.

    I do’t believe , we had misunderstandings and I realize and regret for my behavior, for hurting him but I am working to make myself confident. I love him a lot and I can never love anyone else. I just want another chance and these things will never happen. I truly love and care for him.

    We are in long distance for over a year. Our relationship was two years old and it was very serious.

    I have gone through your website, please help and guide me how to take this forward because I want him back .Do I still have chances of getting him back. Please help me in getting him back.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 5, 2017 at 8:51 pm

      Hi Priya,

      check this one:

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