One look around my website should be enough to tell you how important the no contact rule is.

I’ve even gone as far as calling in the foundation upon which every successful “get your ex back” strategy is built on.

However, I thought I’d change things up today and talk about a few of the situations where you need to avoid it because it won’t work.

So, I’m not only going to explain those situations to you but if you read this article, all the way to the end, I’m going to tell you about a specific text message you can receive that will actually allow you to break your no contact period early.

Sound exciting?

Let’s begin!

When To Not Use The No Contact Rule

There are three big things I’d like to cover in this article.

Some of them may sound familiar but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that some of them are completely new to you.

I’m also going to go against the grain of what is expected.

Over the years I’ve been dubbed as a huge proponent of the no contact rule.

(Make Sure You Read This Article For A Full Rundown Of What No Contact Is.)

And while I still believe it is one of the most effective strategies for getting an ex back I’m not going to back it up 100% of the time in every single situation especially when it stops working.

Here’s a list of those situations.

  1. You broke up with your ex and immediately regret your decision.
  2. You find yourself in a situation where the no contact rule won’t work
  3. You receive a very specific type of text message(s)

Let’s dissect!

Factor #1: You Broke Up With Your Ex And Immediately Regret Your Decision

This is probably the most shocking factor of the bunch.

After all, you are here because you regret how the breakup went down, right?

Well, I implore you to pay attention to every word in that sentence.

YOU BROKE UP with your ex and immediately regret your decision.

Most of the clients I work with are in situations where their exes have broken up with them.

I know there have been a lot of debates about this but I think there is a bit more power that goes to the person that breaks up with the other person.

Think of it like this.

It’s not always fair but if you were the one to break up with your ex you are in a bit of a power position and if you regret your decision you may find that implementing something like the no contact rule might set you back.

You may be wondering how I’ve come by this knowledge.

Well, believe it or not this is actually something that we’ve encountered in our private Facebook group.

We mistakenly recommended the no contact rule to a few women who found themselves in this rare position and watched as things fell apart and their exes moved on or became unresponsive.

Whoops.

One day my wife got the idea to take the opposite approach and recommend a more direct track by just simply asking the ex out for a cup of coffee and admit that a mistake was made with the breakup.

The results were a lot more positive.

Now, there is one thing I want to focus in on here.

Timing does matter.

Even if you did break up with your ex and regret your decision. The thing you also need to account for is how long it’s been since the initial breakup.

If it’s only been a few days or a week then that is usually fine.

If it has been a few months then that could be problematic.

In those cases you’d probably want to take a look at implementing a no contact rule.

To recap, here’s the ultimate wishlist for this no contact alteration.

  • You have to be the one that broke up with your ex
  • It has to be right after the breakup.
  • You need to apologize or tell your ex that you made a massive mistake
  • You need to invite your ex out for coffee or an activity of equal value

Factor #2: You Are In A Situation Where Literal No Contact Is Possible

Sometimes you are just in a difficult situation where the no contact rule simply isn’t possible.

Situations like this include,

  • Working with your ex
  • Living with your ex
  • Sharing children with your ex

I think you get the idea as there are definitely more situations than the ones listed.

One of the biggest misconceptions with the no contact rule is the fact that when you do it, it doesn’t matter if your ex gets angry.

I’ve written multiple times about anger and how sometimes it can be a positive thing but there is a difference between direct anger and indirect anger.

If you are purposefully ignoring your ex while living with them it’s not only going to make your ex angry but it will also kind of creep them out.

And then of course you have situations where you share children with your ex.

Inevitably you will need to communicate about the children at some point and that might be impossible to do during no contact, right?

So, is there some kind of other no contact rule you can use?

Actually yes, in situations like these I recommend that my clients implement a “limited no contact rule.”

I’ve written about that here.

But if you want a quick crash course I’d be happy to do that too.

Limited Contact: This is essentially the same thing as the no contact rule except you are permitted to respond to your exes when they contact you first and if you deem their contact important.

What is deemed important contact?

Obviously if your kid is getting rushed to the hospital and your ex is contacting you about that then it might be good to respond.

But what if your ex is telling you that they miss you.

Is that important enough to respond?

Well, that’s actually the perfect lead in to the next factor I’d like to discuss with you today.

Factor #3: You Receive Very Specific Types of Text Message(s)

Last year there was a member of our private Facebook group who was implementing the no contact rule.

(If you aren’t in our Facebook Group you can get access to it for free with a purchase of any of our products.)

She did something really interesting.

She actually charted everything that her ex texted her.

He texted some interesting things.

“You ok?”

“I miss you…”

“I think about you all the time.”

“I can’t get you out of my mind”

“I will never find anyone like you.”

“I stalk you on social media.”

“How do you smile?”

“How do you move on?”

She cited each one of these text messages as reasons that she cracked and broke her no contact rule.

All of these text messages are positive by nature.

Each has an underlying current of one person wanting another to want them.

But when you look at all of the text messages do you want to know the one thing that is missing in all of them?

An actual admission that he wants to get back together with my client.

Sometimes you’ll find the no contact rule works so well that you’ll get responses like the ones above.

Those are good responses but what you are really looking for are responses like these,

“I want to get back together”

“We shouldn’t have broken up”

“It was a mistake for me to leave you.”

“Being friends is BS”

“I need you as my girlfriend/fiance/wife/boyfriend/husband.”

Do you see the difference between responses way above and the responses here?

It’s kind of like wants versus needs.

Wants don’t always get people to take action.

Needs do.

And what is the difference between wants and needs?

Needs are simply a function of “wants” maturing.

Think about that.

61 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule May Not Work”

  1. Avatar

    Leigh

    June 19, 2019 at 8:23 pm

    Hi Chris,
    I’ve implemented the no contact rule for the last week but am a bit confused. I initiated the break up but it was because he wanted space and has a lot of personal/family stuff going on right now so his head wasn’t in our relationship. He said he had lost feelings but I truly think it was because of everything else he had going on, and we had gone from seeing each other (in the company of friends mostly) everyday to moving far apart. So, I’m not sure whether I fall into the category of I broke up with him and shouldn’t use the no contact, or really the break up was because of how he felt (he just didn’t tell me until I questioned him) and so I should follow through with the no contact. We were long distance when we broke up.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      June 19, 2019 at 10:54 pm

      I think No Contact would be the right path for you. You should take a look at picking up my comprehensive Program – EBR PRO Bundle as it can help you throughout this post breakup period.

  2. Avatar

    Jacob

    May 29, 2019 at 5:48 am

    We got pregnant in August, happiest time of my life her life and I was so ready to be a father. As time went on something changed with me. It was all my fault. I lost my job and as a man I’m sure you know that it’s imbedded in our minds that we are supposed to be dominant and be able to provide for our families. I didn’t feel like that. I had to move back with my mom, I was scared of my step dad due to trauma from a younger age. I started missing appointments because I was working for him to have a place to live and was scared to stand up to him and be there for my family. I only saw my gf maybe once a week because I was so tired all the time. I started shutting down there. Then thanksgiving came around and I didn’t even invite her to thanksgiving because I hadn’t told my family that she was pregnant yet because I was scared what they would think because I lived with them and also didn’t have a job. We starting fighting more until one day I snapped broke up with her and completely shut down. I laid in bed for 2 weeks straight and didn’t do anything, until one day I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize who I was. I fell into a pit of depression, I left my gf pregnant and alone. I finally got the courage to get help. I tried to go back to her and she denied she says we can never get back together and she would rather keep going through this alone. She says she’s ready to move on and it’s all my fault. I was crushed by this and broke all the rules. I pushed to hard I tried to hard and it has just pushed her further away. I just want my family back. I thought at the time it was the best thing for both of us because I didn’t want to drag her down with me, I needed help and finally got the courage to help myself and now it sucks because I’m ready for everything, but it’s just reoccurring with her that I left her during pregnancy: alone, scared, and hopeless. It sucks because I have to see couples with kids or dads doing stuff with there newborns that I never get to do. I just don’t what to do anymore I just want my family back.

  3. Avatar

    Kelly

    May 28, 2019 at 8:30 pm

    My ex and I just broke up on Friday after 9 months of dating-I moved into his apartment. He explained he didn’t feel the love for me as he used to and said he see’s me as more of a friend and maybe things had moved too quickly although he stated I was the best thing that has ever happened to him (BS) and he can’t imagine me not in his life. Long story short the morning after we broke up I flew to my parents to get away. We have been speaking on the phone once a day on friendly terms but I have to go back now and move out of the apartment Wednesday and Thursday this week. I want to implement the NC but I think I need to get through this hard move out portion first. I do have my next plan of where to stay, etc. mapped out. I purchased your plan but feel my next steps may be crucial since I will still have to see him and he may still be questioning himself. I love him with all my heart and feel I may screw it all up if I get too emotional and he runs further..

  4. Avatar

    Essie

    May 19, 2019 at 6:31 am

    My ex and I broke up, we had an Long distance and everything went well but we started fighting and disagreeing and it’s been 3 months and he wanted to be friends but things went downhill because we both misunderstood – I broke up with him but I realised it was wrong, now he says he’s tired and knowing him the more I leave him be the more he wouldn’t really message. We have been dating for a year, we visited each other too. I messaged him to apologise but he didn’t wanna listen after, I still wanna work things out with him as I love him but he’s told my Friend he’s moved on but not to me.

  5. Avatar

    Soha

    May 18, 2019 at 8:38 am

    Hey. Me and my ex dated for almost 2 years. I dumped him but it was due to some family pressures. I had no intentions of cheating on him. Though I discussed a guy infront of him saying that he’s my crush but I was doing that to convince myself that I’m over him. It was the time of 3 months before I came back to him. But I explained him everything that whatever I did was never my intention. It was just the trauma that was making me do all that stupid things. He said that give me 3 months ( the equal time you were ot there) and I’ll commit to you. In those 3 months he was sending me mix signals. One day that we’ll end up together and one day that there’s no chance. We’ve kissed multiple times during this no contact. But when the time of 3 months was over he said that I fon’t want to commit. I am focused on my career and no hindrance is accepted. He understands that whatever I did was due to family trauma but he’s not ready to give our relationship another chance. I begged in front of him for almost 3 months and he says that this relationship thing and my drama is hurting him mentally so the last message that I sent him was ” I’ll never talk to you about relationship again because you don’t like it and whatever makes you happy, makes me happy and I respect your decision” since then we’re talking casually on a daily basis. He is absolutely focused on his career and don’t want to get into a relationship but he wants to be friends with me. And he text me on a regular basis asking me “hey whats up?” should I apply the no contact rule on my situation? Should I reply to his texts in no contact period? Also, what if he stops texting me back? Are there any signs of me getting him back?

  6. Avatar

    Soha

    May 18, 2019 at 8:30 am

    I dumped him but it was due to some family pressures. I had no intentions of cheating on him. Though I discussed a guy infront of him saying that he’s my crush but I was doing that to convince myself that I’m over him. But I explained him everything that whatever I did was never my intention. It was just the trauma that was making me do all that stupid things. He said that give me 3 months and I’ll commit to you. In those 3 months he was sending me mix signals. One day that we’ll end up together and one day that there’s no chance. We’ve kissed multiple times during this no contact. But when the time of 3 months was over he said that I fon’t want to commit. I am focused on my career and no hindrance is accepted. He understands that whatever I did was due to family trauma but he’s not ready to give our relationship another chance. I begged in front of him for almost 3 months and he says that this relationship thing and my drama is hurting him mentally so the last message that I sent him was ” I’ll never talk to you about relationship again because you don’t like it and whatever makes you happy, makes me happy and I respect your decision” since then we’re talking casually on a daily basis. He is absolutely focused on his career and don’t want to get into a relationship but he wants to be friends with me. And he text me on a regular basis asking me “hey whats up?” should I apply the no contact rule on my situation? Should I reply to his texts in no contact period? Also, what if he stops texting me back? Are there any signs of me getting him back?

  7. Avatar

    Jadamal

    May 14, 2019 at 4:25 pm

    Me and my ex were together for 11 months. We met May 5 and made it official on May 20. We broke up on May 1 right before our anniversary. From the beginning there was no secret that he wanted to marry me and I wanted to marry him. We were spiritually connected and over time he became my best friend. We went through a lot together in a year just with his business ventures, death, and family issues but I never once questioned my love and loyalty; I was always there. He was also there for me through all of my issues and family drama. Our families are also very connected to each other. My family and friends loved him and his family and friends loved me as well. Everyone saw how in love we were with each other and he also told his mom that they were going to shop for rings 2 weeks before our breakup. Fast forward to 2 weeks before our breakup, he meets a girl at his job. He’s very excited about her and he tells me all of her spiritual beliefs and convictions. I am excited as well because we don’t meet many our age with the same convictions. She invites him to an event on Friday that he tells me that he wanted to attend. I was like you should go and I’d like to go there as well. So I went down there and met her, she seemed cool but she kind of rubbed me the wrong way. I treated it as just my own insecurities and jealousy. But I usually don’t get that jealous. Well about a week later I can tell that he had a lot on his mind so I asked him what’s wrong. Long story short he wants to take a break to get his mind right. He says that he could come back and say that I’m the one or he could come back and say we should be friends. I didn’t like that, so we talked it out and squashed it and he says it was just fear. The following weekend was great! Everything was normal. We did talk it out and got a little understanding. We had so much fun together. We invested in his business that was going public 2 days later. Then the next day I noticed I was still having a little trust issues after the initial breakup. I talked to him about where I was at mentally. Then I asked him, “I don’t think I’m the one for you am I?” He couldn’t answer the question so that was my answer. I suggested that we broke up. I told him that the girl that he met might be a good catch and when I mentioned her name he lit up like a fire cracker like he used to do with me. A couple of days later I wanted to kind of reconcile because I felt like we broke up in a weird spot. So when I called him he told me that he’s actually been talking to the girl he met and how great she is. She’s a realtor, she owns a construction company, and wants to build communities in Africa. They are spiritually fit and they’ve been getting so many revelations from each other. Everything is natural and organic and they don’t have to try to be friends. I didn’t blow up. I told I was happy for him and left the conversation. I haven’t talked back to him since and he hasn’t reached out to me. I don’t think this is a rebound and I feel like I just wasted a year of my life with him. What do I do next?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 14, 2019 at 11:31 pm

      Hi Jadamal….it probably best for you to focus on “you”, your healing an personal growth. Time is the truth machine in matters like this and over time it will be clear whether this is a rebound he has fallen into. But you need not put your life on hold. There are many paths for you going forward and if he should emerge as a possibility in the future, then you can take it up then and give it consideration.

  8. Avatar

    Nathalie

    May 6, 2019 at 12:23 pm

    Hi Chris,
    I really like your page, helps me a lot! But now you’re confusing me!!!
    I was in short term relationship with my ex – 6 weeks but it felt so great to start. he broke up cause he was/is confused, not certain of his feelings and personal issues.
    We broke up like 4 weeks ago he cannot stay more than 1 week without contacting me!! He is still hesitant… I just move on without moving on as you suggest in another post.
    Now here’s my question: imagine he regrets his decision like you mention in this post… I am the dumpee… if I apply NC here, am I not ruining our chances to come back together?
    So today he sent me a message trough whatsapp, cause i changed my profile pic and he just sent: beautifull pic. So I friendly send Thank you.
    But if I have to follow NC i should not answer….
    Confusing again

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 6, 2019 at 3:29 pm

      Hi Nathalie….No Contact is an adaptable strategy, so if you are receive multiple positive reach outs and other factors fall in place such as I discuss in my eBook, “No Contact Rule Book”, then I have advised my clients in the past to make exceptions. Every situation is unique and calls for a different approach at times

  9. Avatar

    Laura

    April 25, 2019 at 1:11 pm

    Hello Chris!

    My now ex-boyfriend broke up with me 12 days ago. We were together for 7 months. That same day, we had been together in a wedding; we had a lot of fun together, danced, got drunk… He doesn’t usually express very much his feelings, but that day he was literally melting at me, saying how much he loves me, how beautiful I am and how proud he feels of me and how lucky he felt (he was even “showing off” about me in front of his friends).

    So that same night I made a mistake… I got jealous for something (a female friend texting him at 3AM) -we never had arguments before related to jealousy-. So we started arguing, and at some point he got nuts and started literally yelling at me in the street and broke up with me at the moment. He was mean and rude, probably affected by the amount of alcohol he had. I was shocked; he had literally gone from 100 to nothing. I left.

    The day after I was so sad and shocked that I texted him at night saying “How are you feeling?” (I know I shouldn’t have done it) and got NO response from him ever. I was sure that eventually he would come back affected by what happened, or at least to tell me that he didn’t want to continue with the relationship in a calm, respectful way. Since then, I haven’t texted him at all. I didn’t delete him from social media, and I’m not posting stuff or anything.

    Two days ago I saw two visits from him to my website. It was obviously him; the visits were coming from his town, and I can even see from which device people visit my website with the analytics from Google. It was his phone.

    The day after tomorrow it’s his birthday, and I’m obviously not wishing him a happy birthday. I have so many doubts… I have no idea is he’s punishing me, or if he’s 100% sure about what he did. As I said, he was very drunk. I don’t know if it is that he feels ashamed or insecure about how he acted, or if he regrets or not. I don’t know if he expects me to go after him again. I know I made a mistake, but it’s no excuse at all to talk to me like that and break up with me… Of course our relationship wasn’t perfect, but we were happy together.

    I’m I doing the right thing? Is there any chance he’ll come back at some point…?Thanks!

  10. Avatar

    Natasha

    April 3, 2019 at 2:22 pm

    Hello Chris.

    So I recently ended a 10 yr relationship with my ex boyfriend due to the fact thst he would not propose to me…Shortly after I regretted doing it,and tried to go on dates…hell I even went to New York with a co-worker to get my mind off of things,and he saw on fb…,but it didn’t work.All these memories came flooding back to me,and not only that,but I realized I let a piece of jewelry and the opinions of others get into my head.I let 10 amazing yrs go over that.The breakup was pretty bad because we weren’t talking for a few days from an argument that we had that I started which I think was over the ring(of course).

    There were also a lot of issues with his family that he brought into our home, and it was extremely stressful for me to handle at the time,because it was always a constant thing and cycle that kept happening.When his mom kicked his sister out she lived with us,and it was a nightmare for me.I know that is his family and I should have been more supportive of him and the choices he made because he’s a family man,and it’s not that I am not,but I was raised as an only child,and its easier for me to cut ties and burn bridges. But that is something that I have been working on.His mother was in an abusive marriage and she and her son came to live with us for a while.I became cold and distant because we had a lot going on,and like I said it was just a never ending cycle.
    When I broke up with him he was extremely helpful and helped me move my things into my new apartment,and out of it a few days later due to bedbugs…yuck.This was back in January.We talked once in February about a mutal friend who is in the hospital.I contacted him.Then on my birthday I contacted him which was march 26 and I expressed how I miss us and would like to get together to chat.Not because it was myWe eventually did get together,but we had sex,kissed,cuddled ect,and he told me about a lot of things that are going on in his life…very sad,stressed,depressed,his grandmother passed away,and he was recently diagnosed with anxiety from everything…including the breakup…I have been having issues with anxiety since I ended the relationship.Its really taken a toll on me as well,even though it was my choice.I saw him this past Saturday and read him a letter I wrote apologizing to him and the way I treated his family when they were going through their rough patch.Again we talked cuddled,had sex watched movies,plsyed the game…its like we were back in a relationship.He said he wants to work on his self right now,and I am as well.He doesn’t think a relationship will be the best for right now which broke my heart,but I understand 100% we jave things we need to work on internally and externally.We still text..but im usually the one to inatiate the conversation.I just have to be patient because this isnt the first time we broke up…but this was definitely a bad breakup.I handled some things not the best,but I’m learning from those mistakes and choices.I also want to point out that when i stsyed the night I did see he was ralking to someone in his phone and I’m worried he will forget me, and move on.He told me he went into my purse.But i never told him I went in his phone…so clearly we both have some trust issues right now. Do you think I should continue contact or leave him alone?10yrs is a long time…and I just really want this to work,and I want to fight for us.I dont care about the ring I just want him and his fsmily back.He’s my soulmate, and I love him so very much.Hope to get a reply back,and I apologize for how lengthy this was.

  11. Avatar

    Jasmine

    February 24, 2019 at 5:14 pm

    Hi there.
    So my boyfriend broke up with me about 3 weeks ago, after about 2 1/2 years of being together. I was totally shocked and surprised. The problem I think is that I had certain behaviours that needed to change. I was very pushy until I got my way, nagged/complained a lot, and this would lead him to have little patience and become very angry. We’ve had fights before and he’s said 2 or 3 times that if these behaviours don’t change and we cant work on these it’s over. I’ll admit I didn’t really change, but I thought we were working through it. Turns out he had enough, seen that things weren’t changing our fights we’re always the same, and he ended it. He said he hadn’t been happy for a while and we weren’t clicking right. I don’t believe this, because prior too the breakup he would send loving messages and told me he loved me multiple times, so I was shocked when he ended it.
    I originally did not contact him for a few days then finally asked if we could re think our situation and I tried to convince him I had changed. He replied saying no one can change in that short of time, and we were over. Few days later I said maybe a break and going our seperate ways would be good, but a few months down the road or in time I would like to rethink us, and he said anything’s possible.
    Long story short, ive been messaging him from time to time, just to keep in touch. He knows I want to be with him and work it out. I truly believe our problems can be worked through and it took the breakup for me to realize what I need to do. How can I show him that things will be diffferent and that I have improved myself and worked on these behaviours. I really want him back.

  12. Avatar

    Lynn

    February 21, 2019 at 11:31 pm

    Hi! So happy I found your site and am ordering your books.

    I have a question. My ex fiancé broke up with me three weeks ago. We had only been together for 6 months, and as we are in our 40s, got engaged and were eager to live our life together. Then he got sick and his mom who I had never met, as they were estranged, showed up and within 48 hours convinced him I wasn’t who I said I was, I only cared about his money, and moved me out and her in. I couldn’t believe it! It was so out of character for everything I knew about him and I freaked out. I called, texted constantly, got blocked, tried texting from other numbers, sent a letter, whatever I could do to try to get some answers. I never got any answers and only anger from him. Now I found your site. I’m on day 4 of no contact.

    We had always planned to go to a famous landmark that we never have done. My question is is it okay after the 30 days to send a picture of me at the landmark? He has no social media but I have made my posts public in case and I have already been working hard to improve myself so the picture would include a new and improved me as well.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 23, 2019 at 4:42 am

      Hi Lynn!

      Its a shame when family folks who no little to nothing about the relationship, intervene. I do think NC is the right medicine as time can heal in many ways. If you follow my Program, there is a certain methodology I recommend on how to restart contact. Fitting in a pic like that with an appropriate text may very well satisfy arousing interest and curiosity which is what one should look to achieve in the first contact message. But its a journey of little steps…not over pressing, etc.

  13. Avatar

    Anon

    January 23, 2019 at 1:21 am

    Hi Chris,

    My boyfriend broke up with me 2 days ago after us being together for just over 3 years (we started dating in our final year of high school). We’ve had multiple changes of character throughout the years (a part of growing up, I would assume), and our first year was a little rocky. He was completely faithful but didn’t really respect me.

    The last 2 years, however, he has been so amazing. So kind, caring, respectful, and so much more. We were basically living together while in uni and everything was great! We dropped out at the beginning of last year as we realized that our programs weren’t the right ones for us and our motives weren’t the greatest when we applied for school. Last summer we even had a family trip with his parents, plus a road trip on our own. Both were amazing! We made each other so so happy, and I’m honestly so confused right now. We supported each other so so much.

    Ever since November (he took a job his parents told him to take), he hasn’t been the same. He was very stressed, and we both knew it was because of his job. He quit shortly after starting, and his last day was January 4th. He didn’t tell his parents because he was afraid they would disapprove. I feel like lately (the past 3 months) he’s been heavily influenced by his parents and takes everything they say to heart. Whatever they tell him to do, he does.

    I’ll admit, things haven’t been perfect on my end. I’ve taken the last 2 days to reflect on everything that’s happened. I believe I lost self confidence and kind of just morphed into his personality. It was like we were one person, not two separate people dating each other. Whenever things from the past popped up I would get defensive. Whenever another girl would talk to him, I would get jealous. I would always post a song to social media if I was upset – and he knew it. My parents also have been mad at him recently and won’t let him in the house (he got mad at them for yelling at me once).

    The past two weeks I haven’t been allowed over to his house because his parents are mad at the whole job situation, so we were hanging out a lot less.

    I will mention that he was having some mental health issues going on because of that job – but I helped him through it. He also wrote a letter to all of us (me and his family) confessing how he was feeling – that he was upset and mentally unwell – but that he didn’t want to give up hope because he is excited for the future. To strengthen family bonds and to start a life with me!

    When he did break up with me, it was like a 2 minute discussion in the car. We were supposed to go out for coffee that night and just hang out. I got into the car and I knew something was wrong by his text, but a break up was the last thing on my mind. He was like, “so we aren’t going out for coffee tonight. I can’t do this anymore.” Basically I was crying and asking why. He said that he was being selfish, but he needed time to focus on himself and his career and that I was getting in the way. He also said that he doesn’t want any contact with me. No showing up to his home, no calling, no texting, no nothing. He also said that we are never getting back together – that we aren’t meant for each other – that he doesn’t love me anymore.

    When it did happen, I asked if we could take 3 months of a break so that we could find ourselves and re visit the situation when we’re in the right frame of mind – he said no, and that we aren’t meant for eachother. It almost sounded rehearsed. He didn’t seem too emotional. However, (yes I was in tears during this whole thing) when I asked if fate wanted us back together in 3-6 months, 1 year, 2 years, whatever it is, if he would be open to us being together again. HE SAID YES. This makes me even more confused.

    We literally always talk about wanting to start a family and move out, go on adventures, and that we cannot wait for the future. Literally 3 days ago he was like, “our kids are going to be so so cute if they turn out anything like you.” Not to mention we’ve had the engagement talk multiple times, and he said that he’s saving up money because he wants to buy me a beautiful ring – that I deserve it. I sang him to sleep the night before it happened. I visited him at work 2 days before it happened and he said he was so so happy and that it was an amazing surprised. He said “I love you” 5 hours before it happened, when we were talking on my lunch.

    Was this something that was sporadic? Was it his parents? I’m honestly so confused right now.

    This is also a bit of a TMI, but I owe him money, we have a joint bank account, and we both have a lot of each others belongings, but he never mentioned anything about that. I’m honestly so confused right now. Please help!

    Also I will mention that I have been giving him space, as that’s what he asked for. I haven’t texted him – and I won’t , I love him still and want nothing but happiness for him and to respect his wishes.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 23, 2019 at 11:59 pm

      Hi Anon!

      So that is a lot of stuff going on. I can see why you are confused. I remember replying to your question in my support email system. I hope I was able to help you!

  14. Avatar

    Kate

    January 22, 2019 at 4:13 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I met this amazing guy online 1.5 yrs ago with whom we clicked instantly. We couldn’t stop talking and we’ve been talking every single day for all of this time till now. I have dated other great guys before but I’ve never felt such a connection with anyone before in my life.

    Unfortunately we never had a chance to meet in person. We live on different continents and he was planning to apply to post grad to come to Europe last year but he was not admitted. Around the same time last year, something terrible happened to me and I was diagnosed with cancer. My life crashed and I’ve been struggling for my life battling the disease for the last year, now getting into recovery.

    He has stayed with me all throughout but our relationship started going south slowly… Because of my situation, I couldn’t keep the relationship very interesting (though he has never ever blamed me for that) but I always did what I could to be positive and invested all I could in it to work. However, the more I was giving, the less he was, but even when I pulled back he was not pushing… He was saying that he wants to help me more, but can’t because of the distance. But at the same time, he wasn’t trying to do anything extraordinary either, only called me and told me how strong I was. He just became super distant emotionally over time and lost interest in me – this is what I feel, even though he still says that I am the best and sweetest woman he has ever met.

    A month ago I asked him what is happening and he said that he is distant because he wants a real relationship and can’t deal with the distance because he is missing the physical part too much. He asked for time to think and we took a break of a week. We spoke after a week and he never mentioned anything, we were cheerful like nothing happened. Then he didn’t contact me for another week, then called me and the same thing happened – talked about very general things cheerfully and he said he has to go. Leaving things just under the rug like that made me very unsure and I confronted him to just tell me what he wants from our relationship.

    On his side, he said that he cares a lot about me but just started a new job so can’t take a vacation until 4 more months and neither has enough money to come visit me at the moment. He is also not planning on applying for post grad this year because of the money matters. He wants to come to meet me and then make a decision about what to do with our relationship, but this can happen earliest in 4-5 months and in the meantime he wants to only be friends. I, on the other hand, have a really hard time to think of him as just a friend and to talk with him casually only once a week with no real commitment behind. I told him that I also really really want us to meet and will wait for him during these months but only if we stay in this LDR relationship. But if he doesn’t want to stay in it, we should better break up because I can’t keep waiting for him if he can’t promise to me anything. Unfortunately my health is preventing me from getting on a plane and just visiting him…

    Basically, both of us are stubborn on what we said… So we did break up, very calmly and politely, without any drama or emotional outbursts, and it’s been a week now since we haven’t spoken. But I really do want him back, we became so close and had a really deep connection, and having no contact with him now is making me feel physically so bad it’s taking a toll on my health 🙁 If only I could, I would fly over to meet but I am not able to.

    Please, please, give me advice what to do… I feel so lost.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 22, 2019 at 10:33 pm

      Hi Kate!

      So you have pick up my Program Guide as it can help you a lot with not just your own personal recovery as you deal with all this, but a step by step plan on what you might want to do to better your chances. NC is hard, I know, but if you read about all the things you can do to usher some healing into your life, you will be surprised how much you can positively influence you own attitude.

  15. Avatar

    Nancy

    January 19, 2019 at 1:34 am

    Hi,
    Dated my ex for a year, it’s a Long distance relationship, cross country, and due to his work he can’t travel, but my job has flexibility, so I flew every month. We kept texting thru the day we’d FaceTime every night. Year was great but towards the end, I was adding pressure to him to propose. I wanted to get married and then think about having kids maybe a little after marriage, I’m older so I have a “timeline”. Last month we had horrible fighting, and that’s how it abruptly ended, during an argument he called quit. As Soon as he hung up, I called him, but he didn’t answer. Now it’s been a week, neither of us reached out. I want to apologise and reconcile, but from a far means so much harder to do. Recommendation about the NC rule or how to approach this?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 19, 2019 at 4:14 pm

      Hi Nancy!

      I am sorry you had such a horrible fight. So, you should give consideration to implementing NC.

  16. Avatar

    Amy

    January 18, 2019 at 1:18 am

    Hi Chris,

    Me and my ex have known each other for a year, and started dating about 2 months ago- we were good friends first. He travels a bit, so it’s a LDR. At first, I didn’t think much because he would be gone for 1-2 months at a time, and I thought it would be doable.

    Everything was going well, no fights, we’re having a great time. Fast forward he leaves for about a month– we don’t talk on the phone, however, we text almost every day, if not every other, e-mails, etc.

    We were talking and I got emotional about how far he was and said to him that this is very difficult and that I don’t understand this type of lifestyle (his traveling is due to his nomadic lifestyle, not because of work.) He also tells me that he believes in co-living (meaning living w/ several people under one roof. The more that I thought about it, the more that I felt extremely uncomfortable about his desires and wants. Out of high emotions, I said to him “We have no future together” and hung up.

    We didn’t contact for 5 days. I get an e-mail from him saying that he agreed with me- we have very different lifestyles.

    Now I really regret my decision, I immediately regret it about an hour I hung up after telling him we have no future.

    I know you said that there are exceptions where the NC may not work, and this one of them.

    My question is– should I go ahead and contact him, apologize and ask to try the relationship again? Knowing that he agreed in his e-mail that our breakup was the right thing to do– should I still apologize and ask for another chance? He is out of the country, and won’t be back until early Feb– will an apology over the phone work?

    Please help!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 18, 2019 at 3:59 pm

      Hi Amy!

      I think that would be fine…to let him know how you really feel, then give him some space to digest it.

  17. Avatar

    Michelle

    January 15, 2019 at 12:09 am

    Hey Chris,

    My bf broke up with me a week ago because he’s moving across the country (he moved yesterday). I met up with him yesterday to say goodbye, but we didn’t discuss our breakup not once. We both love each other (1 year and 3 months together), but for some reason it just didn’t work. We didn’t break up on bad terms or anything like that. It took everything in me not to beg and cry for him to change his mind. do you think the no contact rule will work in this situation even though we technically won’t see each other for a while. I was suppose to move down there in 6 months but he said we needed time to work on ourselves. I really think he used that suggestion as a coverup to break up with me. I’m on the east coast and he’s now on the west coast. I really love this guy and want it to work

  18. Avatar

    Tina

    January 12, 2019 at 7:28 pm

    Hi Chris can you please reply back to my last message as I don’t know what to do now.

  19. Avatar

    Tina

    January 11, 2019 at 2:28 pm

    Hi Chris,
    Thanks for the reply. I’m not too sure if it’s care though, maybe he feels obliged to say thanks because of the sweet message I sent him. I don’t know where to go from here. Do I be no contact or do I message him soon? I’m afraid that he will neglect me again. Don’t know why he does that. Also why did he address my name saying Tan, rather Tanya. That’s what he used to called me when first met, tan. Tanya is my nickname at home

  20. Avatar

    Lily

    January 10, 2019 at 8:58 pm

    Chris, I have a question:
    My ex-boyfriend dumped me after a little over a year and a half. I had been struggling with major anxiety, sleep disturbance and other emotional problems for a long time, which took a toll on him. For the past few months he had been cold and unsupportive and had treated me like an irrirant. I have since gotten some help. It has only been two weeks since the break up. I have not implemented no contact. There has been low contact, and he acts distant and frankly, like a jerk. I am not even sure I want him back, given how much it hurt me that he was cold and not “there for” me during my struggles. He also never said goodbye to my son (nor agreed to it, which I asked for, because the abrupt departure from my son’s life of someone he was attached to, with no goodbye, is stressful and far from ideal). In fact, I think his behavior in this regard was selfish, immature, and hurtful, and I do not want anything to do with a man who behaves like that.
    The thing is, he HAD been sweet, and everything I’d wanted, at one point, and I suspect he, too, was struggling with things that had nothing to do with me (or, perhaps, his change in demeanor and of heart was caused by me and my struggles–if so, I want nothing to do with him.) Good partners are supportive during hard times, not “fair weather” lovers).
    The same day he broke up with me (earlier in the day) he had asked me to take a trip with him months in the future. Very odd. It seems the breakup itself was impulsive, even if he’d been unhappy for a while (as he now says.)

    I booked an expensive trip for us as a Christmas gift to him. I didn’t even “give” it to him at Christmas because of the way things were. I had intended to save it for New Year’s/Valentine’s Day. Then we broke up. I told him about the trip after the break-up (non-refundable, his name on ticket, an expensive mess), but we haven’t talked much. He wants to discuss it (presumably to figure out how it might be used, help me explore options to reduce the damage, etc…no idea.) He said it was “sweet” of me. Gag.

    What would you recommend I do now? Just go NC? Talk to him about the trip? (I am still angry with him, but haven’t acted like it.) What if he wants to take the trip? (He is very selfish, so I wouldn’t put it past him.) If we talk, should I maintain an upbeat attitude? If things could ever go back to how they once were, I think I could forgive him and would very much like to try again. Assuming that is my hope (and I don’t know), what do I do now? I do NOT want him taking advantage of me to get the trip.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 11, 2019 at 12:38 am

      Hi Lily. So NC is an option.I would not go on a trip with him unless the two of you have mended a lot of the fence. Yes, always lead with positivity and kindness. Taking the high road will make you feel better and more often than not, it produces results. Time is a great healer so make use of it for yourself and the relationship. And feel free to tap into any of my eBooks as they can help you infinitely more than I can here.

    2. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 11, 2019 at 12:38 am

      Hi Lily. So NC is an option.I would not go on a trip with him unless the two of you have mended a lot of the fence. Yes, always lead with positivity and kindness. Taking the high road will make you feel better and more often than not, it produces results. Time is a great healer so make use of it for yourself and the relationship. And feel free to tap into any of my eBooks as they can help you infinitely more than I can here.

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