One look around my website should be enough to tell you how important the no contact rule is.
I’ve even gone as far as calling in the foundation upon which every successful “get your ex back” strategy is built on.
However, I thought I’d change things up today and talk about a few of the situations where you need to avoid it because it won’t work.
So, I’m not only going to explain those situations to you but if you read this article, all the way to the end, I’m going to tell you about a specific text message you can receive that will actually allow you to break your no contact period early.
When To Not Use The No Contact Rule
There are three big things I’d like to cover in this article.
Some of them may sound familiar but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that some of them are completely new to you.
I’m also going to go against the grain of what is expected.
Over the years I’ve been dubbed as a huge proponent of the no contact rule.
(Make Sure You Read This Article For A Full Rundown Of What No Contact Is.)
And while I still believe it is one of the most effective strategies for getting an ex back I’m not going to back it up 100% of the time in every single situation especially when it stops working.
Here’s a list of those situations.
- You broke up with your ex and immediately regret your decision.
- You find yourself in a situation where the no contact rule won’t work
- You receive a very specific type of text message(s)
Factor #1: You Broke Up With Your Ex And Immediately Regret Your Decision
This is probably the most shocking factor of the bunch.
After all, you are here because you regret how the breakup went down, right?
Well, I implore you to pay attention to every word in that sentence.
YOU BROKE UP with your ex and immediately regret your decision.
Most of the clients I work with are in situations where their exes have broken up with them.
I know there have been a lot of debates about this but I think there is a bit more power that goes to the person that breaks up with the other person.
Think of it like this.
It’s not always fair but if you were the one to break up with your ex you are in a bit of a power position and if you regret your decision you may find that implementing something like the no contact rule might set you back.
You may be wondering how I’ve come by this knowledge.
Well, believe it or not this is actually something that we’ve encountered in our private Facebook group.
We mistakenly recommended the no contact rule to a few women who found themselves in this rare position and watched as things fell apart and their exes moved on or became unresponsive.
One day my wife got the idea to take the opposite approach and recommend a more direct track by just simply asking the ex out for a cup of coffee and admit that a mistake was made with the breakup.
The results were a lot more positive.
Now, there is one thing I want to focus in on here.
Timing does matter.
Even if you did break up with your ex and regret your decision. The thing you also need to account for is how long it’s been since the initial breakup.
If it’s only been a few days or a week then that is usually fine.
If it has been a few months then that could be problematic.
In those cases you’d probably want to take a look at implementing a no contact rule.
To recap, here’s the ultimate wishlist for this no contact alteration.
- You have to be the one that broke up with your ex
- It has to be right after the breakup.
- You need to apologize or tell your ex that you made a massive mistake
- You need to invite your ex out for coffee or an activity of equal value
Factor #2: You Are In A Situation Where Literal No Contact Is Possible
Sometimes you are just in a difficult situation where the no contact rule simply isn’t possible.
Situations like this include,
- Working with your ex
- Living with your ex
- Sharing children with your ex
I think you get the idea as there are definitely more situations than the ones listed.
One of the biggest misconceptions with the no contact rule is the fact that when you do it, it doesn’t matter if your ex gets angry.
I’ve written multiple times about anger and how sometimes it can be a positive thing but there is a difference between direct anger and indirect anger.
If you are purposefully ignoring your ex while living with them it’s not only going to make your ex angry but it will also kind of creep them out.
And then of course you have situations where you share children with your ex.
Inevitably you will need to communicate about the children at some point and that might be impossible to do during no contact, right?
So, is there some kind of other no contact rule you can use?
Actually yes, in situations like these I recommend that my clients implement a “limited no contact rule.”
I’ve written about that here.
But if you want a quick crash course I’d be happy to do that too.
Limited Contact: This is essentially the same thing as the no contact rule except you are permitted to respond to your exes when they contact you first and if you deem their contact important.
What is deemed important contact?
Obviously if your kid is getting rushed to the hospital and your ex is contacting you about that then it might be good to respond.
But what if your ex is telling you that they miss you.
Is that important enough to respond?
Well, that’s actually the perfect lead in to the next factor I’d like to discuss with you today.
Factor #3: You Receive Very Specific Types of Text Message(s)
Last year there was a member of our private Facebook group who was implementing the no contact rule.
(If you aren’t in our Facebook Group you can get access to it for free with a purchase of any of our products.)
She did something really interesting.
She actually charted everything that her ex texted her.
He texted some interesting things.
“I miss you…”
“I think about you all the time.”
“I can’t get you out of my mind”
“I will never find anyone like you.”
“I stalk you on social media.”
“How do you smile?”
“How do you move on?”
She cited each one of these text messages as reasons that she cracked and broke her no contact rule.
All of these text messages are positive by nature.
Each has an underlying current of one person wanting another to want them.
But when you look at all of the text messages do you want to know the one thing that is missing in all of them?
An actual admission that he wants to get back together with my client.
Sometimes you’ll find the no contact rule works so well that you’ll get responses like the ones above.
Those are good responses but what you are really looking for are responses like these,
“I want to get back together”
“We shouldn’t have broken up”
“It was a mistake for me to leave you.”
“Being friends is BS”
“I need you as my girlfriend/fiance/wife/boyfriend/husband.”
Do you see the difference between responses way above and the responses here?
It’s kind of like wants versus needs.
Wants don’t always get people to take action.
And what is the difference between wants and needs?
Needs are simply a function of “wants” maturing.
Think about that.