The no contact rule is one of the most popular strategies out there.
Well, today I tackle it!
We hear from Katelyn, a woman who actually works with her ex and is wondering how the heck she is going to do the no contact rule if she works with him. It’s pretty funny, I am actually working on a massive article right now that is covering this exact situation in-depth.
I plan to have that article released by Friday but until then I am going to tackle it in the podcast!
What I Talk About In This Episode
- What the no contact rule is.
- If you should break it for holidays or birthdays.
- A never before seen NC tactic (I have literally never talked about this on the site before.)
- What to do if you work with an ex.
- My E-Book and how it can help you.
Important Links Mentioned In This Episode
Katelyn is on the verge of buying my book so call me selfish but I talked a little about it in the episode so I am going to talk about it here,
I also mentioned the importance of getting reviews for the podcast. You can find my Podcast on iTunes and leave a review here,
I am going to compile a list of the most popular articles I have written on the NC rule since I couldn’t really game-plan for Katelyn in this episode,
- The NC Rule
- How To Handle Every Situation In The No Contact Rule
- What If He Doesn’t Contact You During NC
- The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule
Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO
In this episode Katelyn was wondering if she should buy my E-Book, Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.
Well, allow me to take a few moments tell you a little about it.
PRO was designed to be a step by step guide to hold your hand through the entire process of getting your boyfriend back.
Here are some of the things it includes,
- What to do during the no contact rule.
- What to do after the no contact rule .
- How to become an Ungettable Girl.
- A mock “get your ex back” campaign.
- Specific types of text messages to send to your ex.
If you are interested in picking up Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO the simply click the link below,
Podcast Transcript
Welcome to Episode 9 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I’m very excited to have you here. Today we’re going to be talking about a pretty interesting subject. I know I say that every day, but without a doubt, this is one of the most asked-about topics. I should know, I’ve dealt with over 40,000 comments on Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. Without a doubt, the majority of them ask this question.
No contact. This is about the no contact rule. Today, we’re going to hear from a woman named Caitlyn. She has a bit of an issue with the no contact rule, specifically if she should use it at work and how to navigate that situation. Let’s hear from Caitlyn:
“I’m pretty interested in buying your book. But, this whole 30 day no contact period, does that work if you work with the person you’re trying to get back? If you have the same job and you have no choice but to see them all the time, how do you approach that situation? Is this book still going to work for me?”
Thanks, Caitlyn, for your voicemail. This question couldn’t have come at a better time. Right now as we speak, I’m working on an article specifically about this situation. It’s about the situations where no contact can’t be used successfully, what to do and how to adapt. It’s crazy that you asked this question. This morning, I was writing about this very topic.
What do you do about the no contact rule if you work with your ex ? I noticed you didn’t ask how to get back with your ex. You asked more of a general question about the no contact rule.
You’re also wondering about my book, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. For those of you who are first-time listeners, I wrote a book called Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. It helps you get your ex back. It’s a step-by-step guide. I’ll talk a little bit about that later.
Right now, I want to focus in on the no contact rule. Like I said earlier, you didn’t really ask a game plan related question. Today, instead of giving you a specific game plan, that section will be taken over by Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. I’m going to talk about how that can help you. Again, I don’t want to by pitchy or spammy. I just want to focus on unique content here and how to best help you and the listeners.
Let’s focus in on the no contact rule. What is it? I like to define the no contact rule as a period of time that you choose where you completely cut your ex out of your life in every form imaginable. You don’t see him. You don’t contact him. If he contacts you, you ignore him. If he calls you, you ignore him. If he messages you on Facebook, you ignore him. You ignore him everywhere. If he shows up at your door, he forced your hand. We’ll talk a little bit about that later. Generally speaking, that rarely happens.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThe purpose of the no contact rule is to reset things. After a breakup, there are a lot of emotions involved. Sometimes time can help bring everyone down to a level where they’re thinking more logically.
Emotions are important when you want to get your ex back, but logic is also important. The no contact rule works on two fronts. It helps you make your ex miss you. It brings him down to a more logical level where he’s not so angry about the breakup. It also allows you time to work on yourself, improve yourself and become the un-gettable girl. That is a topic that I talk about in my ebook.
I’ve always been a fan of examples. Anytime that someone gives an example, I learn better. I want to give you an example of a time where the no contact rule would work perfectly. Let’s say that you and I are dating and we just went through a breakup. The breakup was really bad. I was really angry at you. I was fighting with you all the time. It just wasn’t working out so we went our separate ways.
You decide to use the no contact rule on me. You decide that you want to use it on me for 30 days, which is my general recommendation. It’s a 30 day no contact rule. Around day 10, I’m starting to think, “What the heck? Is she ignoring me? She must be ignoring me on purpose.” So I send you a text message to break the ice. It’s a simple text message that just says, “Hey.” No response. A day later, I send another text message. “Hey, what’s up?” No response. Now I’m starting to get a little bit worried. I’ve never had a girl do this to me before. What does it mean?
It starts to make a man look at you in a different light than he looked at you before. Most women, when they go through a breakup, start begging. They make all the cardinal sins. They’re begging. They’re needy. They’re clingy. They’re just not attractive. Neediness is the opposite of attractiveness.
The no contact rule is almost like pressing the reset button and starting over. You’re giving yourself a chance from the get-go to re-attract your ex. That can work if you do it correctly. Here’s the funny part. Most women will fail. If you’re listening to this, in my experience, 90% of the women that I deal with fail at the no contact rule. Why is that? That can only be explained by looking at your brain, more specifically, the area of your brain that lights up when you think about an ex.
Yesterday, I read an interesting article about your brain and what happens to it during a breakup. They did a study of a lot of people who were in the beginning stages of a breakup, when they would be thinking about their ex. These people reported that, at the beginning stages of the breakup, 80% of their waking hours were spent thinking about their ex. Think about that. Eighty percent of the time that they were awake, not sleeping, their mind was on their ex.
The scientist decided, “Let’s do a study on them. Let’s figure out what happens in a human’s brain when they go through a breakup.” Here is the interesting part. The area of the brain that lights up after a breakup when you think about your ex is the same area of the brain that lights up when someone has a drug addiction.
That is why the no contact rule is so hard . The no contact rule is forcing you to kick your drug habit. Your drug habit is your ex. Most women who attempt the no contact rule fail because it’s almost like an addiction. Talking to their ex, thinking about their ex and being clingy with their ex feeds that addiction.
Here’s the funny part. The people who listen to my advice and actually implement the no contact rule from start to finish have a much higher success rate of getting their exes back than the people who don’t. Why is this?
I like to talk about it as the zig and zig method. Everyone who wants to get their ex back always approaches it in the same way. They beg. They write a letter. They write a long email. They say, “Forgive me. I was wrong.” It just goes on. That is what an ex-boyfriend is expecting to happen.
I remember when I went through my very first breakup. That’s what I was expecting to happen. And it happened. But when it doesn’t happen, it shocks an ex-boyfriend’s system. It makes him look at you in a higher way. You’re of higher value to him. That’s what the no contact rule attempts to accomplish.
I get a lot of questions about the no contact rule on a daily basis. Without a doubt, the number one question is about holidays or birthdays. They say, “My ex-boyfriend has a birthday that falls on the no contact rule. Am I allowed to break it?” No. The no contact rule specifically states that you cannot contact your ex at all.
Of course, there is one exception. This is a tactic that I have never even talked about on Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. This is only for the podcast listeners. It’s going to stay that way for a while. We’re on virgin ground right here. What I’m about to talk to you about, I’ve never told the millions of people who have visited my website. I’ve never told them about this. Here’s a handy little trick about the no contact rule.
We have to remember what we’re attempting with the no contact rule. You’re trying to get your ex back. If we’re operating under the assumption that we are trying to get your ex back, then what happens when your ex-boyfriend starts begging for you back during the no contact rule?
Should you just continue with no contact? When I first started Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, I thought you should. But experience has taught me otherwise. Experience has taught me that if your ex-boyfriend is begging and wants you back, you’ve already accomplished your goal. No contact has already done its job. You can break no contact, but under these specific rules.
Let’s say you are attempting a 30 day no contact period. There are many different types of no contact periods. I like to recommend 30 days because I think that 60 or 90 days is far too long. Believe it or not, after a certain period of time, your ex’s interest in you will dip. It’s not going to be as high. Let’s operate under the assumption that you are doing a 30 day no contact rule.
Let’s say that around day seven your ex-boyfriend texts you saying, “Hey, I’m sorry. Can we talk?” You don’t respond. A few minutes later, he texts you again. “Hey, I really want to talk to you.” No response. He texts you again. This is the third text now. “Hey, I am really sorry. I want to talk about us. I want to talk about our relationship. I think we can fix things.” No response. He texts you again. We’re up to four texts. “Hey, please, please, please call me. Talk to me.” If this happens to you seven times in one day, you can shift your no contact rule from 30 days to 3 days.
Let me give you an example. Let’s say that you are doing the 30 day no contact rule on me. At around day five of the no contact rule, I send you five text messages and two phone calls. They’re all in a positive manner. They’re all geared towards me wanting you back. In that case, you can shift your no contact rule from 30 days down to 3 days. Around day five was when all of this occurred. That means you would have only three days left of no contact before you can talk to me again. That’s enough time for me to process things and for you to feel like you’re going to be of higher value to me.
Here’s an interesting point that I’d like to make about that. What’s really important is the fact that seven actions have to be taken by your ex. They all need to be positive. In other words, if it’s four messages and three phone calls, you’ve hit seven. If it’s six text messages and one phone call, you’ve hit seven. They all have to be positive. They all have to be geared towards him wanting you back.
If they’re negative, like he’s using profanity, cursing you out or being angry or mad at you, we do not reinforce bad behavior. Treat him like you would a child. If a child acts up, you do not give the child a cookie. If the child spills food on the floor or breaks something, you’re not going to give the child a cookie. So, why the heck would you give your ex a cookie, which would be you contacting him? Why would you give him that when he’s acting up and saying mean things to you? The seven actions have to be positive. That’s the only way it works.
That’s the general overview of the no contact rule, plus a little nugget of knowledge for those of you who are super heavy users of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery website.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizLet’s talk specifically about what to do if you’re in a situation where you work with your ex. It’s kind of hard to do no contact in that situation. You have to do something I like to call limited contact. What is limited contact? It’s essentially the same thing as the no contact rule with a few differences. The differences are where you are forced to interact with your ex.
Let’s say that you are working with your ex-boyfriend at a balloon shop. I don’t know why I picked a balloon shop. It’s the first thing that popped into my mind. He comes over and says, “Hey, I need you to air up these six balloons.” Are you supposed to just walk off and ignore him? No. That’s rude. Our job with the no contact rule is supposed to alienate your ex but it’s not supposed to do it in a super mean way. Remember, the goal here is to get him back, not to make him so angry that he never wants you back.
You want to limit the conversation with him. Keep it strictly about business. If he turns the conversation to your relationship, give him a one-word answer. How you say this one-word answer is important. If he says, “Hey, do you remember that time that we went on the hot air balloon?” You don’t say, “Yes, I remember that time! That was great!” Simply look at him with a smile and a bubbly attitude and say, “Yes.” It’s just one word.
He will not know how to react to that. How do you react to that? He’s going to understand that something is wrong. Men have this innate need to fix things. You want him to try to fix things with you. It’s going to put him in a position where he’s going to think, “Something is wrong with her but she seems kind of happy about it.” It’s almost like he doesn’t really know how to size you up. No one reacts that way. One-word answers are important.
Another interesting thing you can do at work to make the limited no contact rule very effective is to use jealousy. This is really important. Jealousy is like playing with fire. If you can control the jealousy and the fire, it can be extremely effective. But if it gets out of hand, it will burn the whole forest down. We don’t want to burn the whole forest down. We want you to get your ex back. We don’t want your ex to get so mad that he never wants to look at you or talk to you again.
How do you use jealousy in this way? If you’re working with your ex then you’re most likely going to see him on a daily basis or at least on a weekly basis. After the breakup is so fresh, he’s going to be hyper sensitive to everything you do. If you even just talk to another guy in front of him, he might get a little jealous, specifically if you laugh at the other guy’s jokes, lightly touch him on the shoulder or hand. It’s very subtle.
If you can do this very subtly in front of your ex, you’ll incite some jealousy in him. You want him to feel jealous. If he’s jealous, it means he still cares about you. If he still cares about you, you’re on the pathway to potentially getting him back.
Those are my top tips for using the limited no contact rule at work. Let’s recap so that I really hit the point home and the listeners can understand what I’m getting at. With limited contact at work, you want to avoid conversation as much as you can. If you’re forced to talk to him, that’s okay. Keep it strictly about business. If he brings up your relationship with him at all, one-word answers are great. The way you say the one-word answer is really important. Also try some jealousy tactics.
I realize I wasn’t specific when I said, “Keep it strictly about business.” Let’s go back to the balloon shop example and your ex-boyfriend is your boss or colleague. He tells you, “I need you to fill up these six balloons.” You can look at him and say, “Okay, I’ll do that.” It’s strictly business. If he brings up a business related task like counting money or clearing the cash register, you are very nice. You are very polite.
You don’t want to let on that anything is wrong or that you’re hurting inside. You just keep it strictly about business. Use as little words as you can to get away with not sounding rude. Keep it strictly about business. Again, if he brings up the relationship, use one-word answers. I gave you the example about the hot air balloon. “Yes” is perfect. That will do.
I already covered jealousy. That’s what you do if you work with an ex. It’s pretty good information.
Let’s turn our attention to the ebook. Caitlyn asked a specific question about if the ebook would work for her situation. It will absolutely work for your situation. It’s tailored to work in pretty much any situation that there is. In fact, I’ve had five success stories in your exact situation in the last two months. These are women who have worked with their exes. Their exes had broken up with them and they’ve gotten their exes back. There are five success stories.
We talked a lot about no contact today. What you do during the no contact rule is vitally important to getting your ex back. Also what you do after it is just as important. I’d put them at 50% each. What you do during the no contact rule is 50% important. What you do after the no contact rule, how to contact him, what to do and say is also 50% important.
What I gave you, Caitlyn, is 50% of the equation. You need the other 50%, which you can find in the ebook, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. For those listeners who are interested, I will put a link to the ebook in the show notes of this episode. You can find that at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode9.
That’s going to do it for this episode of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I really hope you’ve enjoyed today’s episode. I have something special planned for tomorrow. If you’re enjoying these episodes and you want more of them, I would appreciate it if you subscribed and reviewed my podcast. I will put information on how to do that in the show notes on the website.
Those reviews are really important for the survival of this podcast. It is very competitive out there. The only way that this podcast can continue to survive is if we get those reviews. I implore you to please leave a review for this podcast. An honest review is all I’m asking. If you don’t like it, that’s okay. If you like it, that’s great. Put it in there. I hope you enjoyed this episode. I will see you tomorrow for Episode 10.
Steff
December 13, 2019 at 4:14 am
I work with my ex but I’ve considered switching shifts to avoid my ex and do no contact. Will this make me look weak if I do? I don’t have any commitments with the schedule I’m in, so switching shifts would not be a big deal for me in fact it would work better for me because the hours would make it easier for me to go to the gym more. What do you think? I also considered that if I stay on the same shift I’m in right now with him, he’ll have to deal with seeing me a couple times every 5 days of the week, maybe he won’t get over me and will come back if he sees me around more? The goal is to have him coming back to me so please let me know if it’s a wise idea to switch to a different shift! I would appreciate it, thank you! We were together for a year btw I’m 23 he’s 26
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 15, 2019 at 8:39 pm
Hi Steff, if the shift swap works better for you then swap them, it wont look weak or that you can not deal with things it just gives you both space from each other doing No Contact and also going to the gym is part of your Ungettable plans to work on your health
Eartha
December 8, 2018 at 12:13 am
Is it okay to respond during No Contact if he texts to say a family member or beloved pet has died?
Chris Seiter
December 8, 2018 at 3:38 am
Hi Eartha!
IF something really unusual happens, then exception can be made. Its a judgment thing. Pick up my eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book” for more details!
Ivy
December 24, 2017 at 11:40 pm
Hi. I and my ex work together and after 21 months of being together, I learned he never broke up with his “ex-girlfriend”. In fact their relationship was still on,only that she’s in a different continent. I was devastated because he came on to me, declaring his love and making other colleagues at work aware of his feelings for me. I asked him to choose cos he can’t have both relationships and he chose her. I begged him to choose me but he’s made his choice so I broke things off. I know the logical thing to do is to move on but I still have feelings for him and I want him back. I have started NC and it’s day five, he hasn’t even tried to contact me. Is there any need to continue with NC? Do I even stand a chance here or not? We haven’t seen each other either in the last 5days.
I’d like to add that the relationship was quite passionate, and he was a good bf until I learned the truth tho. What do you think I should do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 26, 2017 at 10:17 pm
Hi ivy,
Check this one too:
He Cheated On You And You Want Him Back… What Do You Do?
Pericles
April 28, 2017 at 2:32 pm
Hi there. We work together but in different departments. Nevertheless sometimes we bump to each other. Should i totally avoid her and cut off even an eye contact? Actually that is what i am doing until now (15days) but it seems rude to me. On the other side I really don’t want to look at her eyes cause then i feel devastated. Isn’t it rude to say goodmorning to everybody except her? Isn;t it rude to avoid everybody when she is around?
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 30, 2017 at 11:28 am
check this one:
EBR 032: What To Do If You Work With Your Ex Boyfriend
Anna
April 6, 2017 at 2:13 pm
Hi there, me and my boyfriend recently broke up (his desicion) but unfortunately we need to live together for a couple of months until our lease is up. He wants us to stay friends but i want to start the NC rule. How can i implement this successfully when he keeps asking questions in person or there are stuff to discuss such as paying rent or bills? Thank you in advance.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 9, 2017 at 2:22 pm
it’s ok to talk about important stuff..just keep it only about that
Alisha
January 25, 2017 at 8:02 am
am in a relationship with a guy for 6 months. He was nice and caring in the beginning but slowly started to act distant. I felt like an option many a times. He started giving excuses for not able to give time for me. When asked he said he was busy. I know for sure he was lying. My instincts always said something is wrong. I tried to ask him. He said everything is fine and not to think too much. However, I always felt sad and missed him. When asked again he answered rudely to me. I stopped asking him then. He left for a long holiday. Before leaving I asked him for coffee and he said he cannot come as he is busy. I was disappointed. And during the holiday I stopped contacting him for few days and he messaged saying he missed me. I started texting him again. But he hardly responded. One message just before sleeping. Sometimes he didn’t respond even for 2 days. It was annoying. I was disturbed so much about his behavior and also upset. I messaged him when he responded that I don’t like that he takes so many days to reply. I wished him happy holidays and said will talk when is back. He didn’t respond to my message. It’s been 1 month he didn’t even send me a single text. Did I do any mistake here?
Alisha
January 26, 2017 at 6:17 pm
Hi Amor,
But we didn’t officially breakup. Don’t you think I should talk to him and let him know that I didn’t like his behavior. He did come back today. He saw me and could not make eye contact. We did not speak. He looked sad throughout the day. Heard from other colleagues as well that he is silent and sad. I am confused now.
Should I talk and clear things or continue to ignore him.? I do miss him a lot. I don’t know what to do. My heart says I should talk to him. I am sure he will never talk to me because of male ego. What do you suggest?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 27, 2017 at 10:59 am
if it’s really for your peace of mind, talk to him, tell him your side but take that as a closure talk and then reatart no contact
Alisha
January 25, 2017 at 11:27 pm
Thanks for the reply. I thought so. However, we work in same office. I don’t know how to act when he returns. He will be back in 15 days. Should I confront him or ignore him ?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 26, 2017 at 12:47 pm
ignore him..
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 25, 2017 at 3:39 pm
Hi Alisha,
I think he ghosted you.. check this one:
What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Ghosted You
Ambrosia
December 8, 2016 at 5:15 am
After my LD boyfriend broke up with me, he set me aside in the friend zone. A few days in i decided that this was not what I wanted, so I found this site and started no contact. A week after vanishing into silence he texts me a funny video, but I hold out. Another 5 days pass and he sends a text to check on me, but I hold. Then a few days later an angry text from him accusing me of ignoring him. By now I’ve almost hit my two week mark, he sends me a text that finally breaks me, accusing me of going silent to get revenge on him for my illusions of the silent treatment he gave me in our relationship.
I Crack and send him a simple text saying no, I just need my space, I think we need this time apart. I get no response after that, and in my mind I panik. The next day I send him a text and ask him to call me. He does in an instant, and I reiterate that I’m just doing this to clear my mind. He lectured me on my actions, telling me that I should have let him know I was going to go silent, instead of doing it my way. I give in a little and nervously add that I was sorry and we all make mistakes.
I feel like I’ve lost my chance now. I restarted no contact again, but I feel like he is privy to my silence.
Ambrosia
February 19, 2017 at 5:02 pm
Hi Amor, I’ve been trying to do the tide theory. I keep ending up having to go back to day one as his texts give out when I try to build them up. It’s frustrating and I have more questions.
Am I absolutely restricted to wait for his reponse to each of my texts before I send another one? I know im trying to go for a 50/50 split here. Where it is me/him me/him me/him
But if its obvious that he’s seen my first text and he doesnt respond for hours on end, would it mean I am working backwards if say I send another small text to get a response out of him…like this: me/me/him
I asking
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 20, 2017 at 11:00 pm
it depends on what the text is, if you can continue on that topic later in the day, then send another text as a follow up..
Ambrosia
February 1, 2017 at 9:19 pm
Got it! I read through all of -Texting An Ex Boyfriend (The New Rules)- I have another question though.
The guide says he has to match your texts numbers for you to move on and increase the frequency each day.
What happens if say, the 4th day in, you send him a text and he does not respond at all that day? Do I try again the next day, or do I add more NC time?
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 2, 2017 at 6:12 pm
either consider the 5th day as 4th, but if he still doesn’t reply, restart the count of texting days..go back to day 1
Ambrosia
January 30, 2017 at 2:32 pm
I’m giving that a try Amor, and it is actually working well to diffuse the situation, thank you!
I’ll be ready to send him a first contact text in a week. I am curious though, the site tells you what type of texts to send, but not the duration to send them in.
For example,I know I’m supposed to send a text that is interesting enough to get a positive response from him, and then I should be the one to end the text after that. But does it mean, that is all the texts for the entire day? And if si, how long do I wait before sending my next planned text?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 30, 2017 at 3:30 pm
usually, after a series of texts thats enough for the day..check this one:
Texting An Ex Boyfriend (The New Rules)
Ambrosia
January 23, 2017 at 4:58 am
Again i want to thank you Amor, for sticking with me on this site and giving advice. It helps me bit by bit.
As for changing how he sees me this way. I want to try this. But how can I adjust his perspective of me in this setting when I end up getting in to conflict with him here, over the lightest thing.
An example of this would be if I say nothing in particular. He will chime in with a sarcastic remark, criticize my comment, or make a sharp joke that jabs at me. Sometimes I will go silent because I’m afraid that if I have a comeback, we will get into a fight ( which is what happens if I stand my ground) But I don’t want to float and flail with no response at all.
My question, is how should I manage myself when I get into this rough spot in this setting, and avoid being defensive?
My question Amor
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 23, 2017 at 4:48 pm
respond with humor too.. dont take his jokes seriously..
Ambrosia
January 21, 2017 at 1:24 am
Hey again Amor. So, I feel like I’ve failed with my NC again. It was supposed to end a week ago, and the first thing that happens before I’m able to send a text to him, is that we get into an indirect fight over the conference lines. A joke broke out in the group, that we were all a part in, then somehow it gets serious on his end and he takes offense to me directly. He ends up telling about a negative aspect of how I view things, ec (Probably one of my bad habit he remembers during our relationship when we got into a fight) The fight dissipates and the group goes back to normal, and we are neutral with each other again.
I don’t know if this has ruined my chance for getting to send him a text and trying to reach out to him after all that time I’ve been keeping my distance. It’s been 73 days total since I tried and restarted a second time to do my no contact.
Should I restart the clock, wait just a little longer or go for the text? I’m will restart again if I have to, I just can’t belive I managed to screw things up again. But god, I want to fix things between us and get him back!
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 22, 2017 at 11:26 am
if youre5 seeing each other through group meet ups, then use that to slowly change his perspective of you before starting the texts
Ambrosia
December 16, 2016 at 5:37 am
Well, I guess me going silent when he speaks to me directly in the group call is rude when you think about it, and not polite at all. But I’m taking a break from moderating so I won’t have to worry about bumping into him at all in that setting.
I’m still a little unsure about the unbeatable girl part. Again, we are long distance , about out 500 miles away. I’ve traveled to see him 3 times when we were together (the relationship was about 7 months).
I guess I’m asking, how would being an Ungettable girl work online?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 18, 2016 at 5:01 pm
yup, it’s ok to be polite..just dont intiate conversations..the only way you can convey being ungettable is through your social media posts.. during nc, be very active in posting because he’ll probably be curious why you’re not that engaging in talks but when he sees you’re active, having fun in your life, he’ll see that’s why
Ambrosia
December 15, 2016 at 5:23 am
Thank you for your response Amor! Yeah I could feel myself making a mistake when I apologized to him. But like you said, moving forward! I read the Ungettable girl section you recommended! Do you think this is something I can pull off since we are Long Distance and only see each other online?
The first few days of my restarted no contact feel like they were shaky because we both work together (in a way) moderates for online conference calls. Whenever he would log in, I would immediately drop my line, he tried speaking to me, but I went mute till he left (mostly from my fear of the confrontation). I think I made it too obvious that I was trying to avoid talking to him in these conference settings. He sent me a text letting me know how irritating my actions were. In one instance another conference caller mentioned me to him in a light joking manner and he responded angrily right off the bat.
8 days in I feel like I’m just messing my NC up all over again. So I’m taking a break from my moderation duties and staying away from that setting all together.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 15, 2016 at 12:09 pm
You’re welcome! Ok.. But if you cant help to be in the same call, just be polite..
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 12, 2016 at 11:46 am
Hi Ambrosia,
For me it was ok that you texted him that you needed space, what was not ok was that you apologized. But then, what’s done is done. Right now, the best approach is to do a full 30 days nc and really make it seem you’re moving on and improving a lot. Be the ungettable girl. Check this:
The Ungettable Girl
Jennifer
September 24, 2016 at 12:49 pm
I have worked with this guy and been friends with him for a couple of years. He was in a long term relationship that involved a child, they got pregnant in the early months of their relationship so stayed together for the child they were always very unhappy and argued all the time. We became very close over the last year, getting on really well at work and texting a lot, I developed very strong feelings for him and liked him a lot, but obviously he was in a relationship so it never went further than that. In February his relationship broke down and they decided to break up but still co parent the child. After they broke up he confessed to me that he had developed really strong feelings for me over the past year and that he was hoping that if I was interested too we could start seeing each other in a couple of months when things had settled down a bit with his ex. We talked every night on messenger and he was really sweet telling me I was beautiful and funny and always saying such nice stuff to me while also being open and communicative about everything that was happening with his ex to keep me up to date. In may we finally met up outside of work and it was great and we had such a nice time and we ended up having sex. It was my first time, I am 24 but I just hadnt met anyone I was interested in, and I was quite inexperienced. He wanted to keep the relationship completely secret, didnt want anyone at work or outside of work to know about it and was super paranoid about people seeing us together. We met up a few times within the next few weeks, went to the cinema hung out at his house etc and it was really nice when we were together, but there was still a lot going on in his life so there wasnt much time to see each other and because he wanted to keep things secret it ended up just me going round to his after work sometimes and it was usually very short notice. He stopped talking to me very much at work and didnt interact with me in the same way, i thought he was maybe overcompensating because he was so worried people would notice we liked each other that he was barely acting like we were friends and I felt such a gulf of distance between us when we were at work. When we were together outside of work it felt fine and he was affectionate and clearly fancied me, but we saw each other rarely so our main interaction was at work and when someone is acting like they barely like you as even a friend it becomes very hurtful even if I sort of knew what was happening. Whenever I asked if we were going to hang out it was quite often, I am not sure we will see, I will let you know. I started to not be sure where I stood, he didnt do any of the cute little things that he used to do that let me know that he liked me, like he used to osecretly brush my hand with his fingers when we were close enough at work that he could do it without people seeing, and he didnt seem to make time to see me. Whenever I asked him about it he said that he still really liked me and he was just finding it all a bit difficult right now and missing his child when they werent together and trying to find the right balance with his ex and all these things and to please be patient and it would get better with time. which obviously I understood but its difficult when someone goes from extremley caring and communicative to closed off and cold. I tried to talk to him about it and got quite upset and emotional and I think he got sick of me being needy and I pushed him further away and I really regret that. After only 2 months of seeing each other I suggested we had jumped into things too soon because we really liked each other but he wasnt really ready to have a relationship because of all the stuff going on for him and it was going to ruin our relationship before it even got started and maybe we should wait a while and try again. He agreed that it was probably better that we went back to being friends. After that he suddenly became really great friends with me again, he talked to me at work and sought me out and we had private jokes and stuff again and it felt so easy again, he seemd to really like me again. Then after a week that we had stopped seeing each other he started messaging me literally every day, there wasnt a single evening that he didnt get in touch with me and we talked into the night. I took this as a good sign. After a month and a half of this I broached the subject with him and asked if he still thought about us and the possibility of more. He was quite blunt, he said he still really liked me but he didnt want to be harsh and he didnt want to lead me on and said that he didnt think we worked well and that he didnt want to lose our friendship and that I should move on.I dont understand why someone who liked me for so long and was so insistent in his pursuit of me would give up so easily and why he would continue to cultivate a special bond and friendship would give up on our relationship so easily. If we both like each other and get on really well and want to talk to each other all the time where is the problem? I thought it was clear that the reasonn that we weren’t working was all circumstantial and not to do with our actual feelings for each other. Did he lose interest in me so quickly? I feel like in normal circumstances our relationship would have worked so well, it was just because of the secrecy that we pushed each other away and ruined it by rushing into it and now hes not willing to give it another chance.
Since he told me that he didn’t think we worked well together I told him I could no longer talk to him every night on messenger and I have tried to back off considerably at work but he is always very chatty and upbeat and talks to me a lot. Since then he has not sent me anymore messages but he does often start conversations with me at work. He said the reason that he kept sending me messages every day after we broke up as because he still valued me as a person and a friend. I don’t engage much in conversation with him at work and just try to be nice and treat him like any other collegue but it just seems like hes absolutely fine and doesn’t miss me at all and has decided that he doesnt want to be more than friends. I am a bit worried that my inexperience at sex might have turned him off and he doesnt find me attractive in that way anymore which would mean he really does just think of me as a friend and won’t be thinking of me in that way anymore? I want him back, our close friendship and romance meant so much to me I don’t want to lose it when it had barely even begun. Is there any chance or is he just looking at me purely as a friend?
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 25, 2016 at 7:39 am
Hi Jennifer,
Yeah, it looks like he friendzoned you. First, you started off in the wrong foot by agreeing to keep the relationship because that’s a sign that your relationship will cause problems in his side. So, maybe those problems are still there and he doesn’t want to deal with or face it by being with you. I think, if you really want to have a chance with him, if he pursues you again, do it right.
Ivy
May 29, 2016 at 5:31 pm
Hi, so next week my NC ends and I have already planned my first text and how to keep the conversation. We take same classes so Im in limited contact. At the begging he was asking me about school stuff ( Im the best from the class and I had been helping him with school through out the whole relationship, so he was used to that, then he texted me about some school stuff, I answered but I also said that Im not gonna help him that much as before.. he replied like weeeell, okeeeey ( exactly that way 😀 ) But then I got into NC and I didnt respond to his last text and he hasnt texted me since that. He says Im crazy that I ignore him, but he looks so okey, so over me. Im scared that he thinks that Im angry with him or something. This week I plan to smile a little bit more at him, because if I start texting on friday and then on monday Im gonna ignore him the way I did before it would be weird. ( yeah he said Im pretending) how should I behave this week and after I start texting? He wants us to be friends, so I almost 100 % sure he would reply, and talk to me. And how to not end up in friendzone? cause in class is soo easy, I mean, how can I make him feel another way than he feels with other girls?
Thank you 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 31, 2016 at 9:19 am
Hi Ivy,
slowly talk to him in class and continue what you started during no contact to improve yourself.. always look good and start to go out with other group of friends too. when you talk keep it short but fun and cmtry to help him with class stuff when he needs it
Jamie
January 16, 2016 at 8:39 pm
I’ve read almost all of your articles, trying to understand what is best to do in my situation, and now I feel like I’m playing a Choose Your Own Adventure game.
Abridged version:
About a week ago Ex called things off after a couple months because a several year ex recontacted during holidays. Ex says he needs time to figure out what he wants and that he hasn’t decided at all what that looks like. Ex and I work in the same office, but not together. My no contact is really black and white – I don’t look at Ex, talk to him, message him, etc. Is this too harsh? Do I look too affected? Is it pointless / am I the scenario of “what to do if your ex boyfriend gets a new girlfriend?”
TL;DR version:
I started seeing someone at work a few months ago and everything was going very well. Over the holidays he received messages from an ex (their relationship was several years long and ended an unknown number of months ago). After those messages he distanced himself and about a week ago we had the talk.
He says hes confused and doesn’t know what he wants, but felt it would be wrong to talk to her at all while still seeing me. He thought he was over the old relationship before starting with me… said he didn’t understand why her messages stirred things up when he was really happy with me / they fought all the time (she had trust issues) and we’ve never had a fight / recitation of several meaningful, emotional common memories… He said he knows it would be unfair to ask me to wait for him to decide what he wants, but is scared of losing me in his life can we please at least be friends while he figures things out. I said no, if I could handle being friends with him that is months down the line.
I implemented no contact (for me… this is really hard), but more harshly than outlined here. We don’t directly work together, so we don’t have a reason to interact. Since our talk I haven’t looked at him (despite his looking at me to try to get me to), talked to him, messaged him, etc.
The point:
Is this too harsh given my weirdo hybrid situation of working-with-an-ex-maybe-rebound-grass-is-greener-syndrome? Do I look too affected? Is it pointless / am I the scenario of “what to do if your ex boyfriend gets a new girlfriend?”
Jamie
January 18, 2016 at 1:21 am
So… does that mean that what I’m doing is in step with what is advised or not? I’m kind of struggling with what to do here…
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 18, 2016 at 10:23 am
Yes you’re doing good. If you really need to talk to him about work, do so. Just limit talking about your relationship
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 17, 2016 at 5:45 am
Hi Jaime,
It’s not harsh but by disconnecting, you’re showing him you didn’t like what he did and you He can either think you’re just angry or he may think you’re trying to move on.
iriesoul
October 27, 2015 at 4:08 am
I really wish I had seen this earlier! It’s pretty much common sense but like you said… NC is hard especially when your ex was a part of a daily routine and suddenly it changes. If I read this it would’ve made things clear and perhaps I would’ve gotten him back but instead I demanded closure. At least I know exactly how to handle things in the future(:
Chris Seiter
December 4, 2015 at 2:18 pm
You can still possibly get him back but it will take a lot of time after that.
Recuperar a tu mujer
March 1, 2015 at 4:46 pm
Wow, good article, i will download the podcast in my home 😉
Thanks
admin
March 1, 2015 at 6:53 pm
Sweet!
Hope you enjoy it.
cc
February 27, 2015 at 5:48 am
I couldn’t help it. Its been 4 days so i know it was really stupid. I texted him saying that I don’t blame him anymore. That we were both equally stupid in how we handled things. He then responded. I’m still really sorry dont think you did anything wrong in handling things.
I know i shouldn’t overanalyze, but things are still raw and I still want to talk to him. What could that mean? You probably don’t know, but it’s hard not to wonder.
admin
March 1, 2015 at 6:41 pm
I wish you stuck to your guns and stayed in NC!
Olga
February 26, 2015 at 8:02 pm
Hey Chris, I’m kinda hopeless now because I’ve recently talked to me ex and I told him I’d like to keep in touch and he said he had wanted it too but then he realized it doesn’t make any sense and it’s better not to contact each other (and he said that it was my idea and it was a quite good one). Does it mean I could be some kind of danger to him and what do I do to get on speaking terms with him again? I’ve been missing him badlier than ever recently and I don’t mean romantically, he’s just very important to me and not having him at all in my life really sucks :<
admin
March 1, 2015 at 6:30 pm
I wouldn’t reach out until a NC is completed…
However, if you are talking to him I would take things slow. Be very measured and smart in your interaction .
Olga
March 1, 2015 at 10:24 pm
But it all happened after i’ve completed the nc. Should i do it again? Are there any options left for me if he doesn’t want to stay in touch with me after i’ve given us both some time to cool down? I guess he thinks he would forget about me but it’s rather impossible since we have the same friend circle and I’m going to be present in his life whether he likes it or not.
Shannon
February 26, 2015 at 3:41 pm
Hi Chris, I know you said that you will get to my question sometime, I just feel like I should give you a little more information. So like I said, I did no contact and everything you say to do during it. My mindset has completely changed and it made me think more logically. I did a 21 day no contact because I felt as though I accomplished everything that I wanted to in that amount of time. I did text him and I basically sent an apology message. Now that I think about it that probably want the best thing to send, but I said some mean things last time we spoke and I’m a caring person and it was weighing on me. He didn’t respond but I know for a fact that he doesn’t have his phone until sometime in March. I believe its the 6th.
What’s weird is that his best friend is texting me, he keeps on asking me to hangout and I keep on saying no. But he also told me that before my ex left for training, he told him that he thinks about me. I’m just really confused because like I said, a month ago he called me and said he wanted to be with me and that he missed me, and that his mindset was to get married before he gets deployed. Serious thoughts right? That’s why I’m confused because when he was home for that weekend he didn’t really try to see me. And he texted me and told me he’s moving on with his life.
Our relationship was very serious. I’m only 19 but there was a lot of talk about marriage and stuff when we were together. His mother even told me that she’s never seen him happier than when he was with me, and she too felt that I just clicked with the whole family and she knows that one day ill have their last name. That might sound weird to you, but it’s what I have always wanted, so it didn’t scare me off at all.
I don’t understand what’s stopping him from being with me. Part of me thinks that since he only has a couple months left of being home, he doesn’t know what he wants to do. When we first broke up and I went through the crazy ex phase, he told me that he “doesn’t go back” and that history has a way of repeating itself. I’ve realized why our relationship didn’t work out and I’ve made the changes in myself to make it work. Army relationships are extremely hard. Another part of me thinks is that his army buddies are getting to him. He told me a lot of stories about his buddies going over seas and their wives cheating on them and taking all of their money. So maybe he’s scared that will happen? But I’m like you chris, I’m as loyal as a dog.
I know part of him wants to be with me, I just need to get past what’s stopping him. Sorry for the really long message! And thanks so much for your help!
admin
March 1, 2015 at 6:22 pm
Hi Shannon, sorry for the late response.
I am going to deal with your question next.
I have been binge watching house of cards so I got a little side tracked but I am back now.
Shannon
March 2, 2015 at 1:31 am
Haha it’s totally fine. That’s a great show!
admin
March 2, 2015 at 9:34 pm
I believe I did yours today Shannon!
Rony
February 25, 2015 at 10:16 pm
I liked it! (Y)
admin
March 1, 2015 at 5:54 pm
Liked what specifically?