Today we’re going to talk about the power of silence, and if silence alone will make a man miss you.
If you stick around to the very end, not only am I going to help you understand more about how you should be using silence on an ex or even just men in general, but I’m going to explain the paradoxical relationship that silence has with our dating life.
Now, I’m known for helping people get their exes back.
And the number one question I’m always asked is, “Do I have a chance of getting them back? Do you think I should even be trying, in these particular circumstances?”
I get this question so often that I have created a special quiz here on the website to help you answer it.
If you want an approximate idea of where you stand with an ex, simply follow through answering the questions on your personal situation, and you’ll get an approximate idea of your chances.
It’s free and simple, no catch.
So let’s talk about silence, and if silence can make a man miss you.
Can Silence Make A Man Miss You?
Essentially, this is you weaponizing silence to get your way with an ex after a breakup.
But one thing I only recently decided to do was go further into was doing some internal research to see how often No Contact worked.
One thing we found right off the bat is that 95% of our success stories in our private Facebook group (a support group for people who follow the full Ex Recovery Program) have used the No Contact Rule.
So I thought yeah, silence can work.
The No Contact Rule works.
Then I dug a little deeper, and the numbers got even more interesting.
A few weeks ago we hit about 3,700 members in the private support group.
And when you have that many people in a group all focused on one goal, it gives you a great opportunity to analyze what’s working, and how it’s working.
What Should I Expect When I Use Silence?
One of the ways I wanted to rethink silence and the No Contact Rule was helping people determine what they should expect when they instigate something like this.
Often exes will have many different thoughts as they use it.
- Will my ex reach out to me?
- How often will he reach out?
- Won’t he just forget me?
- What is he thinking?
So I asked everyone in the group:
Those of you who have completed a No Contact Rule, how many of you actually had an ex reach out to you during that Rule?
The numbers shocked me.
98 people took the poll.
62 said their ex did not reach out to them; 36 people said that their ex did reach out.
So essentially what we have here are poll results which are telling us two different things.
On the one hand you can say okay, simply put, 95% have used silence or a No Contact Rule, and most say that they don’t get a reach-out.
But what does it mean if an ex isn’t reaching out to you during that No Contact Rule?
What’s the point of using it if it doesn’t work to get him talking to you again?
Begin To Look At Silence Via The No Contact Rule In A Different Way
Well, you have to look at running a No Contact Rule in a different way.
If you expect him to reach out, the statistics clearly show that it’s not that likely.
You are not, in fact, using silence to get something like a message in reply, but you will for sure get a reaction.
You just might not see it in the form of a message.
If your ex doesn’t reach out to you during a No Contact Rule, if you’re using silence and your man is ignoring you, it’s often because they’re throwing a little tantrum because they’re not getting their own way.
Think about it for a moment.
You’ve just been in a serious relationship and gone through a horrific breakup (because even the ‘amicable’ ones aren’t nice!).
It’s hurting you and it’s hurting them, in all sorts of different ways.
You learned about the No Contact rule from yours truly and decided to implement it on your ex, something that has never been done to him in his entire life (most likely).
What will he do?
Maybe he gets caught up in that age-old ‘winning the breakup’ mentality.
He doesn’t want to look like he’s hurting.
He wants to show you and the world that he’s fine, he’s moving on – but even if it seems this way, it’s very unlikely he’s able to just move on without regrets, hurt feelings, all sorts of emotions that are hard to process. (Remember, he doesn’t have me to help him through this.)
His thinking is likely to be:
“I’m not going to reach out to her. She can reach out to me.”
This is especially true if he instigated the breakup. He’s probably asked you to stop calling, messaging and so on.
When you do just that, he no longer knows what’s going on. And he doesn’t want to back down and be the first to make contact.
And if you broke up with him? His pride and hurt feelings likely mean that he won’t allow himself to break the silence first.
So here we have a classic standoff.
You’re not going to reach out because you are doing a No Contact Rule, and you know it’ll work best if you complete it properly.
Your ex isn’t going to reach out to you because they are stubborn.
In fact, when I actually talked to my success stories, I found one of my favorites in Jessie – she actually ended up marrying her ex.
When she talked to her ex after she got him back about that period of No Contact, he confirmed what I just said.
He said, “I wasn’t going to reach out to you until you reached out to me.”
Of course, some men don’t react this way.
The Crazy Ex-Boyfriend – When They Do Reach Out
The second thing that this poll taught us is that those members whose exes did reach out to them during the No Contact Rule often acted in pretty extreme ways.
I asked for some more stories about exes who have reached out during the No Contact Rule from members of the group.
One member reached out and her story was so crazy, I am going to feature it here.
I’m going to tell you word for word because this is something I feel everyone can benefit from reading.
“Mine called me 72 times in 5 days over Facebook messenger, his work phone, his personal phone, his Google voice account. That is on top of texting. He even tried to request $1 from me in Facebook messenger to get me to open the app. I kept a log. Here ya go!
Day 1: Nothing
Day 2: Nothing
Day 3: Called 8 times on phone, google voice, and Messenger FaceTime. Messaged 2-3 times and text me twice. All within about an hour.
Day 4: Text me in the morning. Requested $1 from me through FB messenger in the evening and then cancelled it! He blew up my phone and called me 44 times and left me a voicemail that said, ‘I’m done.’
Day 5: He’s called 4 times today before noon. Called 10 times from 10:30pm to 1:30am.
Day 6: He’s called me twice today at 7pm and once at 2am.
Day 7: He called me twice at 9:50am.
Day 8: He called me at 9:40am. Sent him text message that Anna drafted for me.”
So No Contact definitely worked here – he completely blew her phone up, to the point where she replied to stop him disrupting her work and life.
Before I continue on talking about how silence works, we should talk about this client breaking the No Contact Rule.
You see, I used to be a big believer in staying true to your No Contact Rule from Day 1 all the way through.
But where we found the fly in the ointment is exes who act like the above.
Exes who call you a hundred times and try every little trick in the book, even show up at your house to see you and talk to you.
In cases like that it’s more beneficial to talk to them to calm them down a little bit. This is more like using Limited No Contact (which I talk about at length in the full program), because it’s essential here to have a brief amount of polite communication.
The Work Starts Here
I think the biggest misconception people have when they hear about a strategy like the No Contact Rule or even the concept of playing hard to get and using silence to do it is that they expect silence to do all the work for them.
One thing we’ve learned is that it’s clear when it comes to getting an ex back, or getting a man to notice you, is that you have to put the work in too.
I’m a staunch believer that what you put in is what you get out.
Yet people want to know: What’s the secret? What does he say to people to get such a high success rate? Why is this person succeeding and this person isn’t?
After studying it for almost a decade, the answer is pretty simple.
People with extremely disciplined approaches tend to be a lot more successful than those who are, quite frankly, lazy – those who expect to do a No Contact Rule and have everything fall into place.
You have to try to separate your emotions to do what’s best.
Yes, you are emotional, yes, you are hurting really badly.
You just want to curl up and cry, and you want someone to solve this right now.
But in the end, it’s you who has the best chance of helping you here.
There’s a time to wallow in it, and there’s a time to make a plan and take action on that plan.
If you allow yourself to break No Contact the first time you are upset and want to talk to him – you need more discipline.
You need to learn how to cope with your emotions and fears, and the pain of going through No Contact.
It’s not fun, but it does work.
But What About Success Stories With Silence?
Sometimes the people who just use a No Contact Rule and get their exes back because of that No Contact Rule haven’t done anything out of the ordinary.
They really didn’t have to work for it.
There wasn’t much for them to do to get their ex back – in their particular situation.
But it’s unrealistic for people to see a success story like that and expect their situation to be the same.
All situations and all exes are different.
There are outliers in the data, and people who succeed with just silence are certainly outliers.
Generally speaking there is a lot more work required.
- The No Contact Rule is 50% of the overall puzzle.
- That leaves you with 50% more of that puzzle to solve.
Most of the time that’s going to be how you communicate with your ex (everything from social media posts and actual messages and conversations, to your appearance, body language and the influence of others in your circle).
One thing I’ve learned about those who DO succeed in implementing a successful No Contact Rule is that they use that period of silence wisely.
Now, how do you use your time wisely when you are not conacting your ex at all? How can anything you do affect them when you aren’t speaking to them?
Well, a lot of people think that it’s just waiting, just getting through the tough emotions and distracting the mind until the ex comes back.
But it’s so much more.
The Holy Trinity Of You
If you’re familiar with my concept of the Holy Trinity, you’ll know I recommend dividing your life up into the three important areas:
Which means you need to be spending a lot of time improving each of these areas of your life.
A lot of people don’t do this, or they get lazy with it.
This is not something that will give you instant gratification, or something that guarantees you will get your ex back, but it is absolutely vital.
Sometimes what’s hard for me to get across to a client is that it’s not just about seeing the end result of getting your ex back.
It’s about putting in the maximum effort that you can into improving all of these aspects of your Trinity.
Sometimes people get so focused on the relationships aspect that they think that trying to get back into a relationship with their ex is meeting that criteria. It’s not.
You have many more relationships in your life – family, friends, peers, colleagues, romantic interests – and you need to work on all of them.
This often requires you to get out of your comfort zone.
If you take a good hard look at your life and say, I’m kind of lacking here – I’m too shy to go out and meet new people, then you might have to push yourself outside of your social comfort zone to improve that aspect of your life.
What happens when you take a very disciplined approach to looking at these three areas of your life and trying to improve them is that you will see that your ex starts to pay attention again.
And not just your ex – you’ll notice other exes that you don’t even want back will find you attractive, they’ll just get drawn to you like a magnet.
Other men will be attracted to you, and you will make more friends and have more fun, which in turn attracts even more people.
It Is Hard
A lot of people struggle with whether they’re doing it right or not.
So I tell people that if you’re living a day without difficulty in these areas of your life, if you can say, I didn’t do everything I know I could have done today, you’re doing it wrong.
If you think about Wealth and you know you’re slacking in your job, if you’re unhappy and you want to do something else, then you know you could have done more.
Maybe you have a 9-5 job you are unhappy in and you get home and can’t do anything much but chill. Maybe you’re too tired to pursue that dream of running your own business.
If you lay your head down at night and think, I could have done more today, then you’re not doing enough.
This is especially true when it comes to relationships, where many people can get lazy. Maybe your brother or sister called you but you didn’t have time for them. Maybe you’re thinking oh, I’ll call them back later, I’ll call them when I’m free.
You’re not trying hard enough.
The days without hardship are not well spent.
The process is not easy; if it were that easy everyone would get their ex back with hardly any trouble, but you know that’s not the way it works (that’s why you’re here!).
If you’re spending a day where you’re not having a hard time, other people are catching up to you and you are not doing everything you can.
Please note that I am not suggesting that you burn yourself out.
That’s not good for you – or attractive to an ex!
Looking after the Health aspect of your Trinity means listening to your body and what it needs (exercise, hydration, nutrition) and your mind (meditation, fun, good friends, time to allow yourself to feel your emotions) is a very, very important part of all this.
What I am insisting on is that you work hard and not give up.
You are doing this to make yourself feel better, because during No Contact it is very unlikely that your ex (or anyone else) will be able to do that for you.
The point of using your time wisely is to not think about your ex, but to think about yourself.
I know that’s not the mind-blowing revelation you were hoping for or probably the answer you want.
You want an easy way.
But what works is making yourself so powerful, so confident, that he’ll just be drawn to you naturally.
And if he doesn’t come back, you’ll have worked so hard on yourself that you will have found new purpose beyond just getting him back. You will have that confidence in yourself and power of attraction that you may decide he is not good enough for you in any case.
It’s amazing how many clients decide this. Women who were distraught and felt they could not live without their ex decide to be their wonderful selves on their own for a while.
This will seem utterly crazy and you’ll say, “No way, I definitely want him,” but it really does happen, and these women are just as happy as if they’d got him back.
Make it so. Make it so that you are awesome with or without him, so that he is a complement to you and your happiness in life does not revolve around having him in it.
So there we have it. That’s the difference between women who succeed and women who fail when it comes to using silence.
So the answer to the original question, can silence make a man miss you? It absolutely can, but it won’t do it just by itself.
You have to be willing to take a risk, to go there.
To possibly lose the guy.
Don’t get upset if the No Contact Rule by itself doesn’t fix things. There’s so much more to the process than just silence.
Are you willing to do it?
That’s the key.