Your greatest fear is coming true.
You are following the No Contact Rule when suddenly your ex begins a relationship with someone new.
What should you do?
Well, we’re going to answer that question and several others on your mind by giving you steps to navigate your way through this difficult situation.
Asking Yourself The Right Questions
Now, if your ex is dating someone new and you find yourself trying to decide whether to pursue the ex or move on, we recommend that you start by figuring out your chances of winning your ex back.
We put together a free, two-minute quiz that is designed to determine your chances and provides recommended next steps.
OK, now let’s get back to conquering your biggest fear.
If your ex is dating someone new while you’re implementing the No Contact Rule, you likely have FOUR questions occupying your mind. The first being, should you break the No Contact Rule?
Question #1: Should You Break The No Contact Rule?
If you are in the middle of following the No Contact Rule and your ex begins dating someone new, you may be wondering if you should end the No Contact Rule early.
The answer is, no – you should not break the No Contact Rule, even if you suspect your ex is dating someone new.
There is an odd misconception that many people have after a breakup.
They refuse to believe their ex is interested in finding someone new after the breakup.
For years, I’ve tried to explain to clients that finding someone new is the primary reason an ex initiates a breakup. The ex believes they can find someone better.
This is what we like to call the Grass is Greener Syndrome.
Now, sometimes, more compatible partners are found after breakups.
However, most of the time this doesn’t occur.
A huge misconception many people have in this situation is that you can make a difference and end the new relationship by “defending your territory”.
I hate to break it to you, but there is nothing you can do to stop your ex from beginning a new relationship.
If your ex is interested in finding someone new, he or she will. So, breaking the No Contact Rule early to “defend your territory” will not help in this situation.
We will talk more about a strategy that may work a little later in this article.
Question #2: How Long Should No Contact Last In This Circumstance
Since we don’t recommend ending the No Contact Rule early, your obvious next question will likely be: how long should the No Contact Rule last?
It’s likely you feel a sense of urgency to act if you sense an ex is dating someone new.
It’s common to think the relationship must be interrupted as soon as possible, so an ex doesn’t have time to bond with their new partner.
Initially, that’s what I thought too.
Logically, it makes sense – you should defend your territory and interrupt the new relationship. Therefore, we used to recommend that clients in this situation shorten the No Contact Rule. What’s interesting is that we found the clients who did this received disastrous results.
We quickly learned this line of thinking is flawed.
Instead, we decided to change our recommendation and began advising clients to extend the No Contact Rule if their ex began dating someone new.
You may be wondering, why would an extended No Contact Rule work in this situation?
Well, believe it or not, it has to do with the stages of a new relationship.
It is not wise to insert yourself into an ex’s relationship during the initial honeymoon period, when everything is new and going smoothly. It’s better to insert yourself into the equation when the initial luster of a new relationship has worn off.
So, if your ex is dating someone new, we recommend that you extend the No Contact Rule to a period of 45 days. Then, your re-entry into the equation will be much more effective and well-received by your ex.
Question #3: Is Your Exes Relationship A Rebound?
The next question you may be wondering is whether your ex’s new relationship is the typical rebound relationship.
Over the years, I’ve discussed rebound relationship extensively on my podcast, YouTube channel, and website.
My views on these relationships have evolved over the years and in a good way.
Ultimately, there are two pieces of criteria your ex’s new relationship must meet to determine if it is a typical rebound relationship that isn’t built to last.
Criteria #1 – They Moved on Quickly
If you’re in the middle of the No Contact Rule when your ex started dating someone new, the chances are that you have already checked this box off. Your ex definitely moved on from your relationship quickly to begin this new relationship. Check!
Criteria #2 – The Relationship Doesn’t Last
To determine if your ex’s new relationship meets criteria #2, you will need to practice patience. Basically, you will need to sit back and wait to see how long the relationship lasts. There is a silver lining in this scenario. Our studies show that the average rebound relationship lasts only 5.2 months.
So, as a rule, if your ex’s relationship lasts longer than 5.2 months, the relationship is not rebound material. However, if your ex has only been dating this person for a few weeks or months, they are still within rebound territory in our opinion.
Now, if you haven’t watched our video on the Four Phases of a Rebound Relationship, I highly recommend that you stop everything you are doing right now and watch this video.
Not only does this video do a fantastic job of describing how a rebound relationship looks, but it details the four phases that all rebound relationships experience – from the honeymoon period to the breakup period.
So, hopefully, your ex will quickly move through those phases in their new relationship and be available to begin a relationship again with you.
Question #4: What Do I Do When No Contact Ends?
Once the No Contact Rule ends, you may be wondering what to do next.
This is when we suggest a proven strategy that remains questionable to a select group of clients. I’ve shared this strategy with hundreds of men and women and usually receive a positive response, but there are some who may consider this strategy as unethical or maybe even morally grave.
Ultimately, I’m going to leave the decision to you.
All I will say is, when it comes to your ex dating someone new, this strategy is more effective than any other strategy.
So, what is this strategy?
It’s called the “Being There Method”.
Now, if you have watched our videos on the ExBoyfriend Recovery YouTube Channel or read our website articles, you’ll know I’m a huge fan of the concept of a Value Chain and a Value Ladder.
If you put both together, you can slowly rebuild value with your ex.
Ultimately, when your ex has moved on to someone new, you should keep this strategy in place.
Your job is to just be a little more visible when following the “Being There Method”.
By following the “Being There Method”, you are simply trying to remain a constant presence in your ex’s new relationship.
You become the quintessential thorn in the side.
There are two reasons why this method works.
Reason #1 – You Are Competing for Your Ex’s Time
The goal is to create a monopoly with your ex’s time by upping the amount of time you see or talk to them. If you can get your ex to involve you in more of the emotional aspects of their life, that’s going to bode well for you.
Reason #2 – You Take Advantage of the New Partner’s Insecurity
The second reason the “Being There Method” works well and why some consider it to be morally gray is that it causes you to take advantage of their new partner’s insecurity. It creates jealousy. If the new partner grows extremely insecure or jealous of you because of the time your ex spends communicating with you, it may become unattractive to the ex.
We have seen this happen often, especially with our female clients who apply the “Being There Method” after the No Contact Rule ends. It’s because they are building rapport by constantly talking to their ex, maybe even seeing him in person, and the new girlfriend isn’t happy.
Ultimately what happens is the new girlfriend gives the ex an ultimatum, which the ex doesn’t appreciate. The jealousy ruins the new relationship.
It’s important to say that we are NOT condoning cheating, having an affair, or anything like that.
The point is to just be present. Your presence will intimidate the new person enough to throw a grenade into the relationship. Again, it may seem morally gray, but we’ve seen it work time and time again.
I’ll end on this note.
If you are sitting there, reading about the “Being There Method” and you think it sounds morally gray and not in your wheelhouse, don’t do it. I’m simply sharing a strategy that has worked in our research, but implementing it is a personal decision.
Just know that if your worst fear becomes a reality and your ex begins dating someone new during the No Contact Rule, you may be able to lure them back to you by following these steps that require some patience and strategy.