Your greatest fear is coming true.
You are following the No Contact Rule when suddenly your ex begins a relationship with someone new.
What should you do?
Well, we’re going to answer that question and several others on your mind by giving you steps to navigate your way through this difficult situation.
Asking Yourself The Right Questions
Now, if your ex is dating someone new and you find yourself trying to decide whether to pursue the ex or move on, we recommend that you start by figuring out your chances of winning your ex back.
We put together a free, two-minute quiz that is designed to determine your chances and provides recommended next steps.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizOK, now let’s get back to conquering your biggest fear.
If your ex is dating someone new while you’re implementing the No Contact Rule, you likely have FOUR questions occupying your mind. The first being, should you break the No Contact Rule?
Question #1: Should You Break The No Contact Rule?
If you are in the middle of following the No Contact Rule and your ex begins dating someone new, you may be wondering if you should end the No Contact Rule early.
The answer is, no – you should not break the No Contact Rule, even if you suspect your ex is dating someone new.
There is an odd misconception that many people have after a breakup.
They refuse to believe their ex is interested in finding someone new after the breakup.
For years, I’ve tried to explain to clients that finding someone new is the primary reason an ex initiates a breakup. The ex believes they can find someone better.
This is what we like to call the Grass is Greener Syndrome.
Now, sometimes, more compatible partners are found after breakups.
However, most of the time this doesn’t occur.
A huge misconception many people have in this situation is that you can make a difference and end the new relationship by “defending your territory”.
I hate to break it to you, but there is nothing you can do to stop your ex from beginning a new relationship.
If your ex is interested in finding someone new, he or she will. So, breaking the No Contact Rule early to “defend your territory” will not help in this situation.
We will talk more about a strategy that may work a little later in this article.
Question #2: How Long Should No Contact Last In This Circumstance
Since we don’t recommend ending the No Contact Rule early, your obvious next question will likely be: how long should the No Contact Rule last?
It’s likely you feel a sense of urgency to act if you sense an ex is dating someone new.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizIt’s common to think the relationship must be interrupted as soon as possible, so an ex doesn’t have time to bond with their new partner.
Initially, that’s what I thought too.
Logically, it makes sense – you should defend your territory and interrupt the new relationship. Therefore, we used to recommend that clients in this situation shorten the No Contact Rule. What’s interesting is that we found the clients who did this received disastrous results.
We quickly learned this line of thinking is flawed.
Instead, we decided to change our recommendation and began advising clients to extend the No Contact Rule if their ex began dating someone new.
You may be wondering, why would an extended No Contact Rule work in this situation?
Well, believe it or not, it has to do with the stages of a new relationship.
It is not wise to insert yourself into an ex’s relationship during the initial honeymoon period, when everything is new and going smoothly. It’s better to insert yourself into the equation when the initial luster of a new relationship has worn off.
So, if your ex is dating someone new, we recommend that you extend the No Contact Rule to a period of 45 days. Then, your re-entry into the equation will be much more effective and well-received by your ex.
Question #3: Is Your Exes Relationship A Rebound?
The next question you may be wondering is whether your ex’s new relationship is the typical rebound relationship.
Over the years, I’ve discussed rebound relationship extensively on my podcast, YouTube channel, and website.
My views on these relationships have evolved over the years and in a good way.
Ultimately, there are two pieces of criteria your ex’s new relationship must meet to determine if it is a typical rebound relationship that isn’t built to last.
Criteria #1 – They Moved on Quickly
If you’re in the middle of the No Contact Rule when your ex started dating someone new, the chances are that you have already checked this box off. Your ex definitely moved on from your relationship quickly to begin this new relationship. Check!
Criteria #2 – The Relationship Doesn’t Last
To determine if your ex’s new relationship meets criteria #2, you will need to practice patience. Basically, you will need to sit back and wait to see how long the relationship lasts. There is a silver lining in this scenario. Our studies show that the average rebound relationship lasts only 5.2 months.
So, as a rule, if your ex’s relationship lasts longer than 5.2 months, the relationship is not rebound material. However, if your ex has only been dating this person for a few weeks or months, they are still within rebound territory in our opinion.
Now, if you haven’t watched our video on the Four Phases of a Rebound Relationship, I highly recommend that you stop everything you are doing right now and watch this video.
Not only does this video do a fantastic job of describing how a rebound relationship looks, but it details the four phases that all rebound relationships experience – from the honeymoon period to the breakup period.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizSo, hopefully, your ex will quickly move through those phases in their new relationship and be available to begin a relationship again with you.
Question #4: What Do I Do When No Contact Ends?
Once the No Contact Rule ends, you may be wondering what to do next.
This is when we suggest a proven strategy that remains questionable to a select group of clients. I’ve shared this strategy with hundreds of men and women and usually receive a positive response, but there are some who may consider this strategy as unethical or maybe even morally grave.
Ultimately, I’m going to leave the decision to you.
All I will say is, when it comes to your ex dating someone new, this strategy is more effective than any other strategy.
So, what is this strategy?
It’s called the “Being There Method”.
Now, if you have watched our videos on the ExBoyfriend Recovery YouTube Channel or read our website articles, you’ll know I’m a huge fan of the concept of a Value Chain and a Value Ladder.
If you put both together, you can slowly rebuild value with your ex.
Ultimately, when your ex has moved on to someone new, you should keep this strategy in place.
Your job is to just be a little more visible when following the “Being There Method”.
By following the “Being There Method”, you are simply trying to remain a constant presence in your ex’s new relationship.
You become the quintessential thorn in the side.
There are two reasons why this method works.
Reason #1 – You Are Competing for Your Ex’s Time
The goal is to create a monopoly with your ex’s time by upping the amount of time you see or talk to them. If you can get your ex to involve you in more of the emotional aspects of their life, that’s going to bode well for you.
Reason #2 – You Take Advantage of the New Partner’s Insecurity
The second reason the “Being There Method” works well and why some consider it to be morally gray is that it causes you to take advantage of their new partner’s insecurity. It creates jealousy. If the new partner grows extremely insecure or jealous of you because of the time your ex spends communicating with you, it may become unattractive to the ex.
We have seen this happen often, especially with our female clients who apply the “Being There Method” after the No Contact Rule ends. It’s because they are building rapport by constantly talking to their ex, maybe even seeing him in person, and the new girlfriend isn’t happy.
Ultimately what happens is the new girlfriend gives the ex an ultimatum, which the ex doesn’t appreciate. The jealousy ruins the new relationship.
It’s important to say that we are NOT condoning cheating, having an affair, or anything like that.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThe point is to just be present. Your presence will intimidate the new person enough to throw a grenade into the relationship. Again, it may seem morally gray, but we’ve seen it work time and time again.
I’ll end on this note.
If you are sitting there, reading about the “Being There Method” and you think it sounds morally gray and not in your wheelhouse, don’t do it. I’m simply sharing a strategy that has worked in our research, but implementing it is a personal decision.
Just know that if your worst fear becomes a reality and your ex begins dating someone new during the No Contact Rule, you may be able to lure them back to you by following these steps that require some patience and strategy.
Mona
July 23, 2022 at 9:45 pm
So I finished no contact. I’m not sure if they are dating anyone. What if I sent my first text and find out after the fact that they’re dating someone? Should I return to no contact? Or going with the original plan of reaching out?
Coach Shaunna Nicol
July 24, 2022 at 8:57 pm
Yes Mona you extend if you find out they are seeing someone new
Kailyn
May 31, 2021 at 1:09 am
I’ve been in a really interesting relationship and just need any guidance because i’ve been losing it. My ex and I dated throughout senior year of high school and broke up when we got to college because he didn’t want to do the long distance. For 2 years we continued speaking regularly and seeing one another, occasionally visiting the other person at school. I know he sees other people still and he knows I do too. But I know we still continue to speak as much as we do because there are still feelings present and we never stopped speaking after we broke up and remained intimate. But recently, he’s been more open about who he’s seeing, plastering it all over social media, when we’ve always kept it on the down low for the sake of the other persons feelings. He’s been publicizing this girl a lot and in a way that he is trying to hurt me. After days of seeing this girl on social media I finally lost it mentally. I know we’re not dating, but it’s kinda been an unspoken rule to not post another you’re seeing on social media. And it’s weird because although he’s posting with this girl, his demeanor towards me has not changed slightly and was intimate with me just days before seeing this new girl. I removed him from all social media and stopped speaking to him with the hope that he’d realize he messed up with me. I really miss him and i’m trying not to cave and speak to him but I feel kind of lost. It’s hard to find advice for this sort of weird situation. Am I wasting my time with him? Does he miss me at all?
Erica
December 30, 2020 at 2:56 pm
Hi Chris, my ex broke up with me a month ago and I just found out he has been seeing someone for a few weeks now. He initially told me the reason for breaking up with me was because he couldn’t make me a priority at the moment with all of his other obligations. When I found out he had already moved on, I broke no contact and told him how betrayed I felt, seeing as we never fought and weren’t really on bad terms. He told me he loved me and thinks I’m amazing, but something happened to change his life in the past month (i guess meeting her)? And he wished he loved me like he loved this new girl he just got with? Is this just an intense rebound or do you think it’s more? And what should I do because part of me is still hoping for reconciliation 🙁
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 30, 2020 at 8:23 pm
Hi Erica, so if you want to follow this program then your no contact needs to be 45 days and work in yourself because he has the other woman in the picture now. Then work on yourself using the articles about being Ungettable then when you reach out you need to understand and follow the being there method.
Underdawg
October 31, 2020 at 7:07 am
My ex girlfriend Have been pressuring me to marry her What I was going to do I was planning and preparing for her She jumped into a rebound and I can’t lie to you I have been looking at her social media page Because I’m confused how did I go from being the best thing that ever happened to her To at one point she wished her kids was mines to this dumped how this happened I did everything she asked of me I wasn’t cheap with her or the kids I was going to Marry her but I wanted to do things my way She told me that when she went over to her rebound house the 2nd day he gave her keys to his house and a Ring She says she took the keys but didn’t take the Ring I had already had the ring myself I was going to propose to her at her mother’s birthday party But she rejected me and says she moved on and she wants to give him a chance please help me I got more to tell you if you got time to listen
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 31, 2020 at 3:11 pm
Hi UD, your NC needs to be 45 days because she has the other man in the picture now, and then start following the being there method if you still want her back. I understand you wanted to marry this woman, but she is not behaving like a grown woman, expecting commitment form the rebound that quickly is a sign of how fast things can crash with them. Keep working on yourself and realise your worth!
Maniel
August 27, 2020 at 7:48 pm
I’m broken. I’ve known this guy since I was 14 and he was 17. it’s been 6 years and our relationship has been off and on. Most times we tend to break or we did break up, Bassey (his name is Bassey, I prefer to use it here, that’s okay) .. would get on with someone else. He’d post videos and pictures of him and his new girlfriend on his WhatsApp status. Long story made short, the last one that happened in December 2019 and I had to move on. A man from Turkey ( I’m Nigerian) saw me online and really liked me, talks with me all the time and cares for me . infact he got so attached to me that my family knew about him.he shows me off to his friends.. and all..long story made short..I still have feelings for my ex..I’m literally dying each time I see him post new girlfriend.. it’s been 6 weeks since we last spoke.this barely happens after each breakup and I’m the one who usually get us back together again cos of his ego or whatever..the truth is, I really messed him up and I’m ready to go into details if you want.. but true love shouldn’t fail and I’m expectant we’ll be back together but I doubt that so much now cos I just saw him use his girlfriend as his WhatsApp dp…I’m always stalking him tho..I want us back together, I just wanna talk to him..I feel the urge to text him right now hence I’m texting you first just to be sure this is the right thing to do .I’m close to his family too. His sister told me that he might not be really serious with his new girlfriend but But he seems happy with her from social media..Please tell me what to do cos I’m broken now
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 11, 2020 at 8:04 pm
Hi Maniel, it is really hard to see our ex with someone else especially when we want them back. You need to complete a no contact for at least 45 days and work on yourself in that time, then when you start reaching out make sure you are aware of the styles of messages you need to use to reach out to your ex, along with the being there method if they are still with someone else.
Caroline
May 14, 2020 at 5:23 pm
I was with someone for 4 1/2 years, but due to my lack of intimacy we broke up. I have lived with him for the past year but moved out just before lockdown. Basically he wanted sex, but I didn’t enjoy it with him, but I felt I didn’t know how to tell him this so would find ways of avoiding it but also when we did I didn’t know how to communicate it without hurting his feelings to make it better. Apart from that we got on well, had a good social life and got on with each others mates and we were both independent and trusted each other.
Anyway we recently split like I said. Nobody said they didn’t love the other, I just received an email from him one lunchtime saying he’d had enough and wanted me to move out, giving me a month’s notice, and by the time he got home from work that night, I was long gone.
I did no contact from then on and have had no contact with him and vice versa, not seen any of his social media, then find out from a friend he’s put on Facebook he’s in a relationship with someone he’s been talking to online.
So I’m not sure why it bothers me as I was unhappy, but since moving out he has been on my mind and i was wondering, is this a rebound to get over his lockdown loneliness and is he really over me. I don’t think I’d take him back, but I would like him to realise what he’s lost as I really looked out for him and supported him and tolerated him a lot more than any normal sane person would.
Marsha
April 27, 2020 at 2:08 pm
My ex asked for spacs and told me to give them 90 days and they we date to see if we can work things out . We were engaged and together forn8 years and I was taking care of my family that upset him and our dog died and I blamed him. He is still calling and texting asking me to go shopping with him. He told me that he needed to tell me sonehlthing that he has a date this weekend and told me not to be mad but he doesnt want to cancel sonc Ethel arrangements have been ilmade 2 weeks ago. How do I handle this, what is he thinking
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 2, 2020 at 4:11 pm
Hi Marsha, so it sounds as if your ex is trying to test the waters outside of your relationship, you need to start working on your Holy Trinity and also start casually dating just as he is, he isnt going to like it but if he is spending time with others you need to do the same too. This way he is going to fear that he is going to lose you
Lana
March 11, 2020 at 9:47 pm
What if the new gf
1.is doing no contact with my ex while i do the no contact also
2. The new gf is the one who repeatedly reject my ex and unfriend him. But my ex shows many effort to win her (despite this relationship is definitely a rebound).
Are these signs mean my ex is serious abt this girl? And is that reducing my chance of getting him back?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 12, 2020 at 1:11 pm
Hi Lana, by the sounds of things your ex is chasing the one who “cant” have. So if you are chasing your ex, watching him on social media etc. Then you are going to have to change those ways. Work the Ungettable and make sure that you start dating casually too