Welcome to the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.
Today we’re going to be talking about the rules for seeing your ex during the no contact rule.
Not a lot of people talk a lot about this, so I figured I’d give it some attention because it can be an important tactic that you use during your strategy if you have to break the no contact rule.
But first, if you haven’t already, make sure you stop by my website, and take my Ex Recovery Chances quiz. It’s a simple two-minute quiz designed to tell you what kind of chance you have of getting your ex back.
All you have to do if you want to take the quiz is simply go to my website, exboyfriendrecovery.com, or if you’re watching this podcast episode on YouTube, simply look in the description link below the YouTube video and click on the link you see there.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThe Rules Of Seeing Your Ex During No Contact
All right, so, what are the rules for seeing your ex during the no contact rule?
I get asked this question a lot, and not everyone knows how to handle the situation, so I’m going to give you a few guidelines to follow.
Four, to be exact. So, guideline number one is pretty simple.
Guideline #1: Is Your Meetup Important Enough?
Now, what do I mean by that? Well, most people, when they are confronted with a situation in which they have to break no contact, will sometimes play their cards a little too poorly.
And what I mean by that is, the number one issue that we have in my business is getting people to actually complete a no contact rule.
It’s not hard to understand why, because we have found out that breakups are akin to going through a drug withdrawal.
Your body, your mind, your essence, your very soul is obsessed with seeing your ex. So it is easy to construct reasons to want to break a no contact rule simply so you can see your ex, when sometimes those reasons aren’t important enough, right?
Let me give you a few examples of reasons that I’ve seen over the years that are important enough to break the no contact rule.
So, if your ex actually asks to exchange items with you, in this case, there’s pretty much nothing you can do.
You can’t sound like a rude person by not agreeing to exchange items. So, in this case, you’re going to have to break no contact rule. Another really popular case in which it’s okay to break the no contact rule is if your ex has important documents that you need to get to.
I had someone who I think even came onto this podcast once, who was telling me about a circumstance in which their ex had some tax documents for her father.
That seems like an important thing that you would need to get back after the breakup, so it’s okay to break the no contact rule in that instance.
And it’s okay to break the no contact rule to talk about your children. Now, that means you’re probably not going to be doing the strictest sense of a no contact rule, you’re going to be doing something called the limited no contact rule, but for now, let’s just keep it very easy.
Let’s say you’re in a strict no contact rule, you don’t share kids with your ex. These are some of the reasons that you need to be looking at that are important enough to break the no contact rule, which means it’s not okay to break the no contact rule to get a single shirt that you don’t care about.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizI was just watching that famous Friends episode yesterday where Ross decides to break into his ex-girlfriend’s apartment to get this salmon-colored shirt, and then of course his ex-girlfriend comes in with a new guy, and he’s stuck there hiding in the apartment to try to get the salmon-colored shirt, and of course the girl gives the salmon-colored shirt to her date because the date spilled something on himself.
Don’t be like that. It’s also not okay to ask for a toothbrush back. You can go to the store and buy another toothbrush for like $5.
That’s not a legitimate reason to break the no contact rule. Make sure that your reason, if you have to break the no contact rule, is important enough, and these are a few examples of things that are important.
Guideline #2: Get Your Ex To Jump Through Hoops For You
Now, the next thing you need to keep in mind is see if you can get your ex to jump through hoops for you.
What do I mean by that?
Well, there was someone once who came onto the podcast who successfully won her ex back, and she had this brilliant strategy of using game theory to get her ex to follow her from room to room to room. The idea here is, well, there’s kind of a twofold idea here.
Number one is, by getting her ex to follow her from room to room to room, it creates a type of pattern of following, so it sort of establishes her as the dominant presence. He’s moving with her from this room to this room to this room. The second reason is she said she wanted him to look at her butt.
So that’s more of a physical direct reason, but I found it to be brilliant. And ironically, that very day during the meetup, her ex asked for her back, so, seemed to work out pretty well.
So, make sure you can get your ex to jump through hoops for you if it’s possible. But when I say hoops, I’m not saying just force your ex to jump from room to room to room.
That was an idea that she had that was specific to her. Find an idea that is specific to you.
Maybe jumping through hoops is canceling at the last minute and reestablishing a new place to meet up. That would be jumping through a hoop. Basically, you need to get your ex to do something that goes the extra mile for you, but make sure it’s not a ridiculous thing. Right?
Guideline #3: Look Your Best Obviously!
The next guideline or rule I would like you to follow is look your best.
I don’t know really how much more to say it, other than make sure you’re looking your best. I can’t tell you how often someone will come in and look super depressed. So, the other aspect I’d like to touch on here is the fact that most people, when I talk about the no contact rule, only think about the aspects that will affect their ex-boyfriend.
But what really the no contact rule about is, yes, it’s about making your ex miss you, it’s about all of that reverse psychology type stuff, but it’s also about resetting your own life and trying to get your life back on track a little bit, because we all know when we go through breakups, we’re kind of a mess, right?
So, this is your opportunity to show your ex some of the physical changes that you’ve undergone, whether that’s getting a new haircut, getting a new clothes, maybe you’ve lost a few weight in the 21 days or so that you’ve been ignoring your ex. This is an opportunity to put your best foot forward, and to show instead of tell your ex all of the changes that you have made positively.
Guideline #4: Leave Your Ex Wanting More
Now, the final guideline, and this is probably the most difficult thing, I think, for most women who I work with, is to leave your ex wanting more. Now, what does that mean, leave an ex wanting more? I can get all technical and talk about the Zeigarnik effect and all of those cool tactics, but here’s what it means, basically.
Here’s what you’re trying to get. I find that we often fly too close to the sun when we meet an ex and we’re not prepared for it.
What I mean by that is, you can get so sucked into a conversation because you’re so in love with this person that it is really hard to peel back. What matters most isn’t necessarily who starts the conversation, but who ends the conversation, right?
Oftentimes, women have been fed this false narrative of an ex has to be the one to reach out to you first, but I find the opposite’s actually true. It doesn’t really matter who ends up talking to you first. What matters is who ends up ending the conversation, because if you end the conversation, especially when it’s getting good, and you end it at a high point, it gives your ex a reason to want to reestablish a new conversation with you. And pretty soon, if you are very consistent about ending conversations or leaving your ex wanting more… And those are two separate ideas because it’s easy to end a conversation first, but your ex won’t want more, so it’s important to engage your ex in a conversation that he’ll enjoy, and then suddenly have to leave, right?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizAnd it’s great, this is a technique that a lot of Hollywood screenwriters use. They put a ticking time bomb in the room. What I mean by that is, they establish the time is of the essence here. So let’s say that you are going to meet your ex, right? And you meet your ex, and you tell him right before, “Hey, I can only stay for about 30 minutes,” and you talk to your ex for 30 minutes, but a ticking time bomb has been established. It creates a sense of urgency for him to maybe want to talk to you more, and you’ve already got your built-in reason to leave. And the key is, if you do it right, you’ll have left your ex wanting more.
Danielle
December 24, 2022 at 6:55 am
My boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago, he wants me to drive to his apartment(40min) for him to talk to me about something and he wants to use my laptop for something when he already has his own. I’ve been doing the no contact method and it has been three days, he wants me to go there in 3 days. Should I go? Ps. He won’t tell me what he wants to speak to me about but apparently it’s two things about him and one thing about me and he won’t tell me why he needs my laptop, but he has two of his own.
Coach Shaunna Nicol
December 24, 2022 at 12:47 pm
Hi Danielle, based on the program, no- you would be following a NC where you do not reply to him never mind go to see him.
Anonymous
January 25, 2022 at 8:50 pm
I have to attend my boyfriend’s big-birthday party mid way through a 30-day no-contact break. Should I not go, but that feels mean? Maybe I should go for just an hour and just smile once at him?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 26, 2022 at 9:33 pm
You shouldn’t be following a no contact if he is still your boyfriend. If you are broken up then no you do not attend.
Maria
October 26, 2021 at 3:27 am
What if he reaches out asking to meet up to talk? It’s only been 14 days, he started reaching out after 9 days and on day 14 he texted asking me to meet up and talk. He did not state what he wants to talk about or specify that he wants to get back together
Cassandra
September 26, 2021 at 4:26 pm
Hey I’m unsure as to what to do. It’s been a week since our breakup and I heard that he and another guy did something together. Should I meet up with her and ask her about it or should I just ignore and continue no contact? PS. He broke up with me but I still love him.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 4, 2021 at 9:20 pm
Hi Cassandra, no you should not be reaching out to either of them to know if something happened as you are broken up, as much as it hurts you have no right to now or need to know.
Alice
August 23, 2019 at 12:49 am
Hi, what would you recommend for such a scenario:
after 9 years together, he broke up with me a few days ago (during our second couples counselling session) but he wants to continue seeing the counsellor together on a weekly basis with the goal of “being friends”. I don’t want to be friends right now, and am considering no contact rule but think I should still go to counselling sessions to work on where we went wrong, regardless if we will be together or not (though I do want him back).
How would NC work if he is currently willing to invest time and money in me and our relationship?
M
August 21, 2019 at 10:03 pm
Yikes. Long story, lots of mistakes. We broke up about 3 months ago. I begged and pleaded and we got together again for about a week before he got mad about something small saying he can’t do it and won’t be weak this time, he’s serious, I should move on and broke up with me in a decently heated argument. I had a promise ring, which I gave back to him. He was going on a trip a few days after the breakup, and the day he got back I was leaving for my own trip we had planned for a long time. So I was begging and asking to talk and crying and he said if I wanted to talk when he got back we could. So of course in the moment I’m thinking, if he’ll talk then why not now? So a few days later I ask if he has the promise ring because I still want it for myself to keep, and he says he’ll bring all my stuff by in the next three days. I asked if we could talk so he said maybe, I begged he finally gave in and said Wednesday we could. But then I ended up breaking again before Wednesday and called him crying asking to get back together…it didn’t go well lol. So he didn’t come drop my stuff off before he left for his trip. During his trip though I didn’t even mean to but didn’t contact him at all (kind of a subconscious no contact rule I didn’t realize I was doing!) and during my trip I didn’t contact him at all. In fact he had blocked me on a few social media platforms, so I blocked him on the rest during my trip. But I was still weak so I unblocked him occasionally to check what he was doing. Then it happened! He messaged me just to let me know he dropped off my stuff which I thought was odd because he DEFINITELY knew I was on my trip. And this was 3 days before I came home. So I was like ok thanks I’m not in town. Then I asked if he wanted the pictures we took at my sisters wedding just weeks before, and he said he didn’t care if I want to send them I can so I did. The last picture was us dancing so he made a joke about the funny face I was making. I said yeah I was having fun. Then he went on a little rant about how he hopes we can still be ok going forward and not hate each other. To which I got defensive like we’re not going to be best friends, and talk all the time but we won’t be enemies. Then a few days later I wrote to him about how I was missing him and loved him and all, and he said thanks that’s good to know but I don’t feel that way it’s best that we broke up. Then, of course came more begging and crying and he blocked me on everything at that point except his drone account on Instagram (lol). He hasn’t used this account the whole year we were together. So I thought it was odd when a few weeks later he posted twice on it. So it’s been 3 months since the initial break up but only two weeks since I last contacted him. August 1st was his birthday and so I hadn’t contacted him for 17 days at that point and I messaged him just have a good birthday and I hope you have a great year ahead. He read the message and ignored it. So since then I haven’t contacted him again and it’s been about two weeks. I see him at the gym a lot lately, he just ignores me but I KNOW he saw me a few times. So yesterday I finally walked up and said hi just because I saw him and wished him luck up north for college and he said thanks and hopes I have a good time down here for college and I told his friend hi, and said have a good workout and turned around as he said have a good one. I feel like I have made improvements since no contact, I have gotten more friends and been able to see a healthy relationship and it really showed me a lot. I feel like part of it is that we are going to college so his mom hates that I would be stealing lots of his time. He is pretty easily persuaded by others and I feel like she influenced him. Will him going to college help me? Did I mess up too badly to get him back? Should I stick with no contact, or reach out? What’s my best bet? I realize now that after I hadn’t been talking to him and he reached out I shouldn’t have exploded my emotions on him but I didn’t know at the time and feel like I lost my chance. We have broken up a few times but never this bad. Is all hope lost? What are my next steps?! Help!
Thea
August 14, 2019 at 9:58 pm
Hi Chris.
He is not exactly my ex but still…similar situation. He has its own problems and sometimes got distant, I think that he’ll never text again and then he does, but I wonder if this time is the definitive. He has been weird for the last weeks, unresponsive or texting me three days in a row and then disappearing again. I do mini NC since months ago something similar happened (it’s related with his own troubles but I am afraid he has lost interest). I don’t know what to do. I try to be the best UG I can and I do lots of things, document it in social media… But sometimes it seems to be nothing. If he wants to text, he find any excuse, if he is not feeling it, no matter what I do, he seems not to notice.
I am going to be abroad for two months (he knows it), so I’ll have plenty of opportunities to do (and show) cool things and keep mastering my UG but I am afraid he could forget me for good. As I said, he is acting weird lately, distant… I keep doing the mini NC (he ends up texting) but I don’t know what else to do, I don’t know how redinkle the attraction if we don’t talk and in a few weeks I’ll be abroad… I would love him to visit me (or meeting before but it’s complicated, this is LD, we live in opposite sides of the country) but he is already forgetting me. I know he has his problems and I played a lot the being there card, and never got friend-zoned, but now he is kinda ignoring me and I don’t know what to do. Can you help me, please?
Thank you a lot.