One of my biggest pet peeves is when a woman in the middle of No Contact comes up to me and asks,

“Chris, my exes birthday is tomorrow. Am I allowed to break the no contact rule to wish him one?”

Now, the important part to grasp right away is that wishing your ex a happy birthday isn’t so much the issue here.

It’s the fact that women will use it as excuse to talk to their ex when they are in the midst of a no contact rule.

Oh, and in case you didn’t know what the no contact rule is here is a quick refresher,

The No Contact Rule = A Period of time where you don’t talk to your ex on purpose. 

Now, the no contact rule is kind of a big deal here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery because it is essentially the foundation upon which every “ex recovery” campaign is built.

It doesn’t matter if you want to get him back or simply get over him, the no contact rule is going to be present.

Lets talk numbers for a second.

Did you know that in my own independent research looking at all the success stories here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery over 70% of women who have gotten their ex back have utilized a no contact rule in some way shape or form.

That is insane.

But lets take it a step further.

Did you know that every single woman who has gotten her ex back in our Private Support Group has utilized no contact.

(That’s 100% if you can’t count 🙂 .)

But what does any of this have to do with wishing your ex a happy birthday?

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

The No Contact Rule And Happy Birthdays

I have made my case for why the no contact rule is essential for getting an ex back (if that is what you want.)

But do you want to know what destroys a no contact rule faster than anything.

Breaking it and then having to start over again from scratch.

Not a lot of people know this because they mostly take my advice at face value and just assume that things will remain the same throughout but the no contact rule can actually lose effectiveness every time you start it and then stop it.

Think of it like seeing a movie for the first time.

The experience of watching a movie for the first time is going to be the best. It’s going to lose a bit of it’s punch the next time you watch it and then the next time and so on and so forth.

Well, the same type of logic is going to apply with the no contact rule.

The most effective that it is ever going to be on your ex is when you try it on them for the very first time.

But lets say that you break it for some inexplicable reason and decide to start over again.

While the no contact rule can still be effective it won’t be as effective as the very first time you tried it.

Get it?

So, where do happy birthdays come into play here.

Well, society has this rule that it’s very important for you to wish someone a happy birthday. I mean, looking at my own Facebook profile the vast majority of people who wished me a happy birthday are people who I haven’t talked to in YEARS!

Therefore, it makes a lot of sense that a lot of men and women are quick to break the no contact rule just to wish their ex a happy birthday.

However, I still haven’t gone into one of the major problems that we have here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery with the no contact rule.

The Major Problem We Have With The No Contact Rule

You see, getting people to try the no contact rule isn’t our problem here at EBR.

On the contrary, after I explain the benefits to most people they are ready to sign up.

The problems lies in the fact that the vast majority of the people who try it simply cannot stay in it.

They break it.

And after you look at the science of it, it makes a lot of sense.

Not a lot of people know this but after you go through a breakup the part of the brain that lights up and becomes active is the exact same part of the brain that lights up and becomes active in a drug addict.

If you have ever wondered why people going through heartbreak exhibit many of the classic signs of “withdrawal” well, that’s why!

Now, the no contact rule takes someone in that state of mind and forces them to create a new habit where they aren’t engaging in their addiction, their ex.

Rather, they are flat out ignoring them.

Of course, this also explains why so many men and women have trouble with it.

How many drug addicts are able to quit cold turkey?

The Answer = Not A Lot

I have found that most of the clients I work with who actually try implementing the no contact rule will fight every step of the way to look for an excuse to break it.

Do you see where I am going with this?

And that is where birthdays come into play.

What Happens When You Break The No Contact Rule To Wish Your Ex A Happy Birthday

Lets switch gears for a bit and talk about the most likely outcome that will occur by breaking the no contact rule to wish your ex a happy birthday.

One thing that I am really big on when it comes to talking to your ex is mapping out his or her potential responses to your text messages.

I find it’s often helpful to do this fun exercise so you can make the most of your interactions with your ex and believe me that really matters because in the grand scheme of things you only have a small amount of chances to really rebuild attraction.

So, lets do this fun exercise with a happy birthday text.

Here is the scenario.

You have been in the midst of a no contact period for 12 days and it just so happens that your exes birthday is on day 13. You debate back and forth on whether you should wish them a happy birthday and ultimately decide on the fact that you should do it.

So, day 13 rolls around and you send the fairly basic “happy birthday text” looking something like this,

Now, the way I see it is that there are three ways that your ex can respond to this.

The Basic Response

Thanks…

This is the most basic response you will get (and probably the most likely outcome.)

People are hardwired to say “thanks, “thank you” or some variation to being told happy birthday and therein lies the problem. Why would you subject yourself to lessening your position for a “thanks.”

This is the best outcome you can hope for and that in and of itself is depressing.

The Negative Response

If you get this response then it is pretty clear that you shouldn’t have broken the no contact rule.

Why?

Because if your ex is literally sitting there and asking you,

“Hey, why are we talking?”

It clearly means that they are still holding some serious resentment towards you.

So, essentially what you will have done here is ended a no contact rule which has an added benefit of calming them down to have your ex tell you to f*ck off basically.

The No Response

For some reason I feel like I would fall into this category personally.

Some breakups cause people to use their own silence against you.

So, by wishing your ex a happy birthday and having them not respond to you it is their subtle way of letting you know,

“Hey, I saw your text but you are so beneath me I am not going to even give you the most basic response.

Ok, here is the point I am trying to drive home for you.

Breaking the no contact rule to wish your ex a happy birthday will do nothing to advance your position.

In fact, all it will end up doing is worsening it.

Nevertheless, I feel it would be short sighted of me to not take a look at the other argument.

The Final Conclusion: Should You Wish Your Ex A Happy Birthday

Here is a sad truth.

The “get your ex back” niche is full of shady characters.

They won’t give away any of their “tricks” for free (not that their tricks are anything revolutionary) and I feel like half of them are just scam artists.

Nevertheless, that doesn’t mean I haven’t made a few friends over the years.

On the contrary, I would say that probably one of the best friends I have made in this space is a fellow by the name of Brad Browning. Now, Brad is really interesting in the fact that he is one of the very few “breakup coaches” willing to put his face on camera which you will find is extremely rare in this day and age.

Anyways, a few months ago Brad came to me with this really interesting idea.

Hey man, how would you like to do a Brad Vs. Chris video where we take questions from our audience and give our perspective?

Needless to say, I was in!

So, we filmed this beauty together,

Now, what a lot of people don’t know about this is that we didn’t know how the other was going to answer the questions that were chosen at random and we found that we disagreed on one thing in particular.

Happy Birthdays!

No seriously, scroll to 16 minutes and 07 seconds into the video and you can hear me making my argument for the fact that you shouldn’t break no contact to wish an ex a happy birthday and you can hear Brad making his that you should.

Honestly, I think it is the most comprehensive talk that has maybe ever been done on the subject.

So, who is right?

Well, I am….

No, ultimately who is right is up to you (but I’m right 😉 .)

Let me just end by reiterating what I was saying in the video versus Brad.

I think it is a huge mistake to break the no contact rule to wish your ex a happy birthday.

Of all the things that you can say to your ex to get them to want you back “happy birthday” isn’t going to be it.

Instead, all breaking the no contact rule to wish your ex a happy birthday will accomplish is ruining any progress you have already made.

You will essentially be giving into your addiction of talking to your ex and lower the no contact rule’s effectiveness.

Just sayin!

What to Read Next

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107 thoughts on ““Can I Text My Ex On His Birthday?” Let’s End This Discussion Right Now”

  1. Avatar

    Ruchi Pawar

    May 24, 2020 at 12:47 pm

    I was insanely in love with this man. It started as casual relationship for 6 months but there was this insane chemistry between us. However we both got very sick and we had several arguments because in the end, more I was in love, more I needed him. More he was in love, more relaxed he was. He will make me wait whole day and sometimes more than a day to reply. I knew he was intensely attracted to me though. He decided to go on a break because we were running in circles arguing on same topic again. He stopped replying me 2 months ago. I didn’t message him either. I had to reach out after a month because my phone got hacked and I had to warn everyone including him. He did reply but I said I was upset about how he pretended that we never existed. He didn’t reply of course. Now its his birthday soon. I know I still love him and may be want him back one day. Its been 2 months of almost NC. Should I wish him? I don’t know if he ever will reach out because of his pride. But I know I want him back one day when I am at a more confident and better position.

  2. Avatar

    Alice

    May 21, 2020 at 1:18 am

    Hi,
    I broke up with my EX 3 months ago, and after a month of no contact she reached out to me asking me if we aren’t friends anymore. So I was being polite and said no. After that, sometimes she would reply to my Instagram Stories and sometime I would do the same… It’s her birthday tomorrow, should I send her a birthday wish?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 29, 2020 at 10:48 pm

      Hi Alice, I would advise not to send birthday wishes. I would suggest that if you want you ex back that you start following the information in the articles and complete a No Contact from the last conversation you had and then the texting phase

  3. Avatar

    Jennifer

    May 17, 2020 at 9:22 am

    This makes sense, my ex forgot my birthday, so why should I text him on his,? i ask myself. Plus we stop talking and is being 30 days, at this point idk what to do, I feel I lost him. Our situation is really complicated at this point cause we were together for 3 years, and now we live in different countries, we were talking almost every day, he refused to be in a relationship again saying he is really hurt and mentally he can’t cope again to the idea of coming back together. I did so much for this guy that I will need a huge space here to explain it, as we were talking I felt getting into a friendly zone with him and I told him this, we argued and I stopped texting, obviously he did too. We lost got marry but I rejected it cause he wanted me to sing a prenup, plus I was living with him and my visa in that country was expiring so I left the country and move to another one, got my job and I have my life back, but without him. This is so hard it aches my heart everyday. Idk what should I do or for how long keeping the non contact rule
    I will appreciate some help please
    Thank you

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 21, 2020 at 12:13 am

      Hi there Jennifer, you need to start the program, first step is working on your Holy Trinity and completing your No Contact

  4. Avatar

    unknown

    April 23, 2020 at 8:04 am

    My EX left me before 5 months without giving me any reason, I didn’t contact her for 2 months from break up, that’s the last time we chat (so I didn’t contact her before 3 months until now).
    Her birthday after few days, should I send her HBD?
    *My birthday was 22 after break up, she didn’t send me any thing.
    Maybe she forget me but I still love her so much and I crying every day!
    I’m really rolling in my pain & don’t know what should I do!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 25, 2020 at 11:30 am

      Hey there no we do not suggest that you reach out on an exes Birthday

  5. Avatar

    Jennifer

    April 23, 2020 at 5:47 am

    Hey,
    my boyfriend didn’t introduce me to his friends & family and so I had the feeling he is not sure about if he wants to be with me or not. I walked away for no contact and said he should get back to me once he took the time to think about and make a decision.
    4 weeks later out of the blue I just got a „happy Easter“ message – without any questions. I didn’t responded to this.
    Was that right? Should I still be waiting? It now passed 1,5 weeks since then.
    So no contact is since 5 weeks now…,

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 25, 2020 at 11:31 am

      Hey Jennifer, yes you were right not to answer the happy Easter message. As you have been in NC for 5 weeks now I would suggest that you start thinking of sending a text that Chris suggests from his articles though

  6. Avatar

    Christina

    April 21, 2020 at 10:57 pm

    Hi, thank you for your suggestion! Just following up, you don’t think it’s appropriate to wish happy birthday even though it’s been 2 months of NC? How long should NC be and does my situation differ because he ghosted me?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 25, 2020 at 11:58 am

      Hey Christina, no we do not suggest to reach out with a birthday message. Your NC should be 30 days of you working on your Holy Trinity before reaching out

  7. Avatar

    SARIKA RAI

    April 19, 2020 at 12:41 pm

    Hello there……!
    My boyfriend and I we didn’t broke up it’s just happened by circumstances and all of sudden he’d told me that I deserve better, he doesn’t worth of my tears and he can’t spare time for me he’s not brave enough to stand by me. Sometimes he used to message me on WhatsApp but I couldn’t stop myself to response his message but now I’m no contact rule tho he will message I’m not calling him and his birthday is near and I’m anxious , confuse and at the same time excited also so please suggest me should I wish him happy birthday

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 25, 2020 at 12:47 pm

      Hi Sarika, no you should not send a birthday message unless you were back to talking on a regular basis.

  8. Avatar

    Samira

    April 17, 2020 at 5:32 am

    Perfect:)
    Thank you❤

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 17, 2020 at 3:03 pm

      Thanks Samira 🙂

  9. Avatar

    Christina

    April 12, 2020 at 8:40 pm

    My ex and I were in an ldr for four months and in the last month, we decided to go on a break. I reached out after the break was over to try and talk things out, but he didn’t respond. I went into NC and it has been about two months. His birthday is coming up soon and I want to wish him well, except I’m not sure how he would react since he ghosted me.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 17, 2020 at 10:03 pm

      Hi Christina, we do not suggest sending a birthday message if you are trying to get him back and following this program

  10. Avatar

    Teresa

    April 5, 2020 at 1:02 pm

    My ex and I broke up and we were in talking terms when suddenly he stopped talking to me because he found someone else who is a wife material and he thought I was too young and he didn’t love me. He didn’t wish me on my birthday. I was stupid that I reached out to him after a month and he was just giving me sympathy. I stopped talking to him. It’s been 3 months since he found someone else and a month since I reached out to him last .It’s birthday in 20 days. I think he has moved on way ahead and i am just still thinking about him. Should I wish him

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 10, 2020 at 12:26 am

      Hi Teresa no do not reach out unless you are trying to get him back

  11. Avatar

    Richard Burch

    April 4, 2020 at 10:15 pm

    My ex broke up with me in October. We tried to remaining friends for awhile. I still have feelings for her, she expressed she didn’t. I couldn’t stand seeing her with other guys, so I decided things have to change. We unfriended each other on all social media.We stopped talking on Thanksgiving, and she contacted me wishing a Merry Christmas. We haven’t spoken since then. Her birthday is on May 3rd. I’ve been debating whether to wish her happy birthday. I really love and care about this girl deeply. When we first broke up, I really did want to try and be friends, but it just hurt too much seeing her interested in other people. I figured maybe we just stop talking for awhile and try to be friends later when I don’t have those feelings for her. But when she contacted on Christmas, I suggested that we dont contact each other ever again at all. It hurt me doing that, and it probably hurt her too, but I thought it was best if I wanted to get her back eventually or just getting over her. I still haven’t lost feelings, but I’m ok with us being broken up and I’m ok with myself. I just can’t see myself without her in my life, for the rest of my life. That’s as a friend or girlfriend. I know the risk of wishing her a happy birthday and breaking no contact. I want her back as my girlfriend, but at the same time, I’d rather be friends and be in her life than never seeing or talking to her ever again. What do you think I should do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 9, 2020 at 10:44 pm

      Hi Richard, stick with the NC and do not reach out over the birthday, if you end up just being friends, or getting back together that is not going to be determined by you sending a birthday message, truthfully. It has more of an impact where she spends time wondering why you didnt reach out to her, which makes her think about you, which is the goal during NC

  12. Avatar

    Sam

    April 3, 2020 at 6:46 am

    My ex(dumper) birthday is on april 11. Should i great her. I feel I dont have an obligation to message her since she dumped me. She dont even reply on my last message last march 31. I mean what for? I mean yes I wish her a happy birthday, but I feel that it wont make me feel good afterwards..

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 3, 2020 at 4:26 pm

      No, do not send a birthday message

  13. Avatar

    Ameena

    April 1, 2020 at 10:44 am

    I forgot to wish my boyfriend and he is very angry with me what should I do ?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 2, 2020 at 4:09 pm

      Hi Ameena, apologise and suggest you go out for a belated birthday celebration – this is giving that you are in a relationship and not broken up. If you were already broken up then just go about it as normal as you are not supposed to reach out on their Birthdays during a No Contact period 🙂

  14. Avatar

    marya

    March 12, 2020 at 4:42 pm

    hi! i ended things 2 month ago with him, one week after the break up was my birthday and he didn’t wish me happy birthday , 4 weeks after break up my grandfather died and he reached out for condolence and he was nice and kind, now 3 weeks after that and 3 weeks in no contact next week is his birthday should i wish him happy birthday? i know it makes him happy( also i want him back)

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 12, 2020 at 11:23 pm

      Hi Marya, so you do not reach out with a birthday message, you can get into the texting phase but make sure you understand the texting phase and the value chain. Read more articles so you understand how this process works better

  15. Avatar

    Unknown

    March 5, 2020 at 6:33 pm

    Hi there,
    I broke up with my boyfirebd and we had a long distant relationship for long period of time. However, We ended it in good manners. Actually I was the one who ended it. We haven’t spoke for a month now and his birthday is after 1 week. Should I text him with birthday wishes???

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 9, 2020 at 8:32 pm

      Hey there, if you do not want your ex back then you can send a message, if you want him back then no do not reach out for the first time for his birthday

  16. Avatar

    Armah

    February 19, 2020 at 10:46 pm

    Have dated my guy for 4 years now , he broked up with me just last year November just because he thinks am not a wife material but next month is his birthday should I wish him happy birthday for him to know how much I care or I shouldn’t and there is NC too.
    Please I need your opinion

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 20, 2020 at 10:52 pm

      Hey there no do not wish him a happy birthday stick to NC

  17. Avatar

    Noemi

    December 11, 2019 at 11:50 pm

    Hello the father of my 2 month child broke up with me 6 days ago I have contact him but he just keeps telling me that he doesn’t want to talk to me to keep it only about the child, tomorrow is he’s bday I only have one day of no contact , today but I’m thinking if I should or shouldn’t message him just wishing him a happy birthday, he mentioned that he was going to contact me to see he’s child on that day . What should I do ? Should I just ignore he’s bday completely or just say happy birthday.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 15, 2019 at 6:56 pm

      Hi Noemi, so you should allow your ex the space so that he has time to miss you and just allow him access to your child when you have both agreed to it. I am hoping that you didnt reach out to him on his birthday so that he can see that you are giving him the space that he said he wants from you

  18. Avatar

    yash

    November 24, 2019 at 1:29 pm

    Hi
    So my boyfriend stopped speaking to me like two months ago. There was a whole misunderstanding that happened. He ended up telling me to stay away from him despite doing nothing to him. I don’t even know what we are at the moment. I deleted his number but he still has mine. It was his birthday two days ago but I didn’t wish him. Im not even sure if he cares that i didn’t wish him. What should I do? I really miss and love him.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 24, 2019 at 6:15 pm

      It sounds like you are broken up so I would start reading the information and prepare yourself to reach out to get some sort of friendly conversation started with your ex agian

  19. Avatar

    Natasa

    November 11, 2019 at 10:46 pm

    Hello !me and my boyfriend were together for almost 4 years ..he broke up with me 3 and a half months ago ,we did not contact for a month or so and after that i contacted him several times in order to get back together but he told me that he didn’t want to get back together or be in a relationship generally , because he got tired .A week ago was my birthday and he texted me happy birthday..now his birthday is coming up in 3 days ,should i text him or not ?

  20. Avatar

    Lover

    November 4, 2019 at 4:59 pm

    Today is my ex’s birthday. We broke up one week after sharing a really wonderful 4 year anniversary together. We’ve never been on-off or experienced anything like this before. There was no big fight or bickering leading up to it. Just a ton of sadness and dissatisfaction with life/the future on his end. I could tell he needed some space to work on himself and his burnout/depression (pertaining to his professional life, somewhat of an early 20s end of college crisis). I never tried to fix him nor do I take it personally that he needed to break up. I supported him until he was strong enough to be honest with himself – at which point I told him I was proud of him for breaking up and doing something about how he’s been feeling. If you love someone you let them go… I really love him.

    I have maintained no contact since the moment he walked out because I think space is best. I truthfully have no idea what the future has in store for us and I’m starting to make peace with that. I never begged before or after the break-up. He reached out two weeks after he ended things (he probably just missed me) to catch up and I respectfully declined because that felt wrong… if he wants time and I think he needs it… it’s better to do the hard thing and say no to his efforts. Also, I need to heal first. It has been a little over three weeks of no contact.

    I think a short message might be a good idea just to reinforce that there are no hard feelings but I don’t want to seem like I’m looking to start a conversation with him or win him back. I have no intention of being with him (especially in his current state) or anyone else for a while. I just need more time alone to do my own thing. What would you do? Wish him happy birthday or stick to silent support from afar?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 9, 2019 at 6:50 pm

      Hi L, I love how composed and emotionally strong you are! That’s some real self respect and control there. So if you are set on not getting back with him until he is in a better place and working on himself, then you can reach out as a friend but you put yourself in a friendzone for the future. We do recommend that you do not send a birthday message during the No Contact. So, I would complete a 30 day NC just to give you both the space for now and then reach out as a friend when it is over

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