One of my biggest pet peeves is when a woman in the middle of No Contact comes up to me and asks,
“Chris, my exes birthday is tomorrow. Am I allowed to break the no contact rule to wish him one?”
Now, the important part to grasp right away is that wishing your ex a happy birthday isn’t so much the issue here.
It’s the fact that women will use it as excuse to talk to their ex when they are in the midst of a no contact rule.
Oh, and in case you didn’t know what the no contact rule is here is a quick refresher,
The No Contact Rule = A Period of time where you don’t talk to your ex on purpose.
Now, the no contact rule is kind of a big deal here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery because it is essentially the foundation upon which every “ex recovery” campaign is built.
It doesn’t matter if you want to get him back or simply get over him, the no contact rule is going to be present.
Lets talk numbers for a second.
Did you know that in my own independent research looking at all the success stories here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery over 70% of women who have gotten their ex back have utilized a no contact rule in some way shape or form.
That is insane.
But lets take it a step further.
Did you know that every single woman who has gotten her ex back in our Private Support Group has utilized no contact.
(That’s 100% if you can’t count 🙂 .)
But what does any of this have to do with wishing your ex a happy birthday?
The No Contact Rule And Happy Birthdays
I have made my case for why the no contact rule is essential for getting an ex back (if that is what you want.)
But do you want to know what destroys a no contact rule faster than anything.
Breaking it and then having to start over again from scratch.
Not a lot of people know this because they mostly take my advice at face value and just assume that things will remain the same throughout but the no contact rule can actually lose effectiveness every time you start it and then stop it.
Think of it like seeing a movie for the first time.
The experience of watching a movie for the first time is going to be the best. It’s going to lose a bit of it’s punch the next time you watch it and then the next time and so on and so forth.
Well, the same type of logic is going to apply with the no contact rule.
The most effective that it is ever going to be on your ex is when you try it on them for the very first time.
But lets say that you break it for some inexplicable reason and decide to start over again.
While the no contact rule can still be effective it won’t be as effective as the very first time you tried it.
So, where do happy birthdays come into play here.
Well, society has this rule that it’s very important for you to wish someone a happy birthday. I mean, looking at my own Facebook profile the vast majority of people who wished me a happy birthday are people who I haven’t talked to in YEARS!
Therefore, it makes a lot of sense that a lot of men and women are quick to break the no contact rule just to wish their ex a happy birthday.
However, I still haven’t gone into one of the major problems that we have here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery with the no contact rule.
The Major Problem We Have With The No Contact Rule
You see, getting people to try the no contact rule isn’t our problem here at EBR.
On the contrary, after I explain the benefits to most people they are ready to sign up.
The problems lies in the fact that the vast majority of the people who try it simply cannot stay in it.
They break it.
And after you look at the science of it, it makes a lot of sense.
Not a lot of people know this but after you go through a breakup the part of the brain that lights up and becomes active is the exact same part of the brain that lights up and becomes active in a drug addict.
If you have ever wondered why people going through heartbreak exhibit many of the classic signs of “withdrawal” well, that’s why!
Now, the no contact rule takes someone in that state of mind and forces them to create a new habit where they aren’t engaging in their addiction, their ex.
Rather, they are flat out ignoring them.
Of course, this also explains why so many men and women have trouble with it.
How many drug addicts are able to quit cold turkey?
The Answer = Not A Lot
I have found that most of the clients I work with who actually try implementing the no contact rule will fight every step of the way to look for an excuse to break it.
Do you see where I am going with this?
And that is where birthdays come into play.
What Happens When You Break The No Contact Rule To Wish Your Ex A Happy Birthday
Lets switch gears for a bit and talk about the most likely outcome that will occur by breaking the no contact rule to wish your ex a happy birthday.
One thing that I am really big on when it comes to talking to your ex is mapping out his or her potential responses to your text messages.
I find it’s often helpful to do this fun exercise so you can make the most of your interactions with your ex and believe me that really matters because in the grand scheme of things you only have a small amount of chances to really rebuild attraction.
So, lets do this fun exercise with a happy birthday text.
Here is the scenario.
You have been in the midst of a no contact period for 12 days and it just so happens that your exes birthday is on day 13. You debate back and forth on whether you should wish them a happy birthday and ultimately decide on the fact that you should do it.
So, day 13 rolls around and you send the fairly basic “happy birthday text” looking something like this,
Now, the way I see it is that there are three ways that your ex can respond to this.
The Basic Response
This is the most basic response you will get (and probably the most likely outcome.)
People are hardwired to say “thanks, “thank you” or some variation to being told happy birthday and therein lies the problem. Why would you subject yourself to lessening your position for a “thanks.”
This is the best outcome you can hope for and that in and of itself is depressing.
The Negative Response
If you get this response then it is pretty clear that you shouldn’t have broken the no contact rule.
Because if your ex is literally sitting there and asking you,
“Hey, why are we talking?”
It clearly means that they are still holding some serious resentment towards you.
So, essentially what you will have done here is ended a no contact rule which has an added benefit of calming them down to have your ex tell you to f*ck off basically.
The No Response
For some reason I feel like I would fall into this category personally.
Some breakups cause people to use their own silence against you.
So, by wishing your ex a happy birthday and having them not respond to you it is their subtle way of letting you know,
“Hey, I saw your text but you are so beneath me I am not going to even give you the most basic response.
Ok, here is the point I am trying to drive home for you.
Breaking the no contact rule to wish your ex a happy birthday will do nothing to advance your position.
In fact, all it will end up doing is worsening it.
Nevertheless, I feel it would be short sighted of me to not take a look at the other argument.
The Final Conclusion: Should You Wish Your Ex A Happy Birthday
Here is a sad truth.
The “get your ex back” niche is full of shady characters.
They won’t give away any of their “tricks” for free (not that their tricks are anything revolutionary) and I feel like half of them are just scam artists.
Nevertheless, that doesn’t mean I haven’t made a few friends over the years.
On the contrary, I would say that probably one of the best friends I have made in this space is a fellow by the name of Brad Browning. Now, Brad is really interesting in the fact that he is one of the very few “breakup coaches” willing to put his face on camera which you will find is extremely rare in this day and age.
Anyways, a few months ago Brad came to me with this really interesting idea.
Hey man, how would you like to do a Brad Vs. Chris video where we take questions from our audience and give our perspective?
Needless to say, I was in!
So, we filmed this beauty together,
Now, what a lot of people don’t know about this is that we didn’t know how the other was going to answer the questions that were chosen at random and we found that we disagreed on one thing in particular.
No seriously, scroll to 16 minutes and 07 seconds into the video and you can hear me making my argument for the fact that you shouldn’t break no contact to wish an ex a happy birthday and you can hear Brad making his that you should.
Honestly, I think it is the most comprehensive talk that has maybe ever been done on the subject.
So, who is right?
Well, I am….
No, ultimately who is right is up to you (but I’m right 😉 .)
Let me just end by reiterating what I was saying in the video versus Brad.
I think it is a huge mistake to break the no contact rule to wish your ex a happy birthday.
Of all the things that you can say to your ex to get them to want you back “happy birthday” isn’t going to be it.
Instead, all breaking the no contact rule to wish your ex a happy birthday will accomplish is ruining any progress you have already made.
You will essentially be giving into your addiction of talking to your ex and lower the no contact rule’s effectiveness.