One of my biggest pet peeves is when a woman in the middle of No Contact comes up to me and asks,

“Chris, my exes birthday is tomorrow. Am I allowed to break the no contact rule to wish him one?”

Now, the important part to grasp right away is that wishing your ex a happy birthday isn’t so much the issue here.

It’s the fact that women will use it as excuse to talk to their ex when they are in the midst of a no contact rule.

Oh, and in case you didn’t know what the no contact rule is here is a quick refresher,

The No Contact Rule = A Period of time where you don’t talk to your ex on purpose. 

Now, the no contact rule is kind of a big deal here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery because it is essentially the foundation upon which every “ex recovery” campaign is built.

It doesn’t matter if you want to get him back or simply get over him, the no contact rule is going to be present.

Lets talk numbers for a second.

Did you know that in my own independent research looking at all the success stories here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery over 70% of women who have gotten their ex back have utilized a no contact rule in some way shape or form.

That is insane.

But lets take it a step further.

Did you know that every single woman who has gotten her ex back in our Private Support Group has utilized no contact.

(That’s 100% if you can’t count 🙂 .)

But what does any of this have to do with wishing your ex a happy birthday?

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

The No Contact Rule And Happy Birthdays

I have made my case for why the no contact rule is essential for getting an ex back (if that is what you want.)

But do you want to know what destroys a no contact rule faster than anything.

Breaking it and then having to start over again from scratch.

Not a lot of people know this because they mostly take my advice at face value and just assume that things will remain the same throughout but the no contact rule can actually lose effectiveness every time you start it and then stop it.

Think of it like seeing a movie for the first time.

The experience of watching a movie for the first time is going to be the best. It’s going to lose a bit of it’s punch the next time you watch it and then the next time and so on and so forth.

Well, the same type of logic is going to apply with the no contact rule.

The most effective that it is ever going to be on your ex is when you try it on them for the very first time.

But lets say that you break it for some inexplicable reason and decide to start over again.

While the no contact rule can still be effective it won’t be as effective as the very first time you tried it.

Get it?

So, where do happy birthdays come into play here.

Well, society has this rule that it’s very important for you to wish someone a happy birthday. I mean, looking at my own Facebook profile the vast majority of people who wished me a happy birthday are people who I haven’t talked to in YEARS!

Therefore, it makes a lot of sense that a lot of men and women are quick to break the no contact rule just to wish their ex a happy birthday.

However, I still haven’t gone into one of the major problems that we have here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery with the no contact rule.

The Major Problem We Have With The No Contact Rule

You see, getting people to try the no contact rule isn’t our problem here at EBR.

On the contrary, after I explain the benefits to most people they are ready to sign up.

The problems lies in the fact that the vast majority of the people who try it simply cannot stay in it.

They break it.

And after you look at the science of it, it makes a lot of sense.

Not a lot of people know this but after you go through a breakup the part of the brain that lights up and becomes active is the exact same part of the brain that lights up and becomes active in a drug addict.

If you have ever wondered why people going through heartbreak exhibit many of the classic signs of “withdrawal” well, that’s why!

Now, the no contact rule takes someone in that state of mind and forces them to create a new habit where they aren’t engaging in their addiction, their ex.

Rather, they are flat out ignoring them.

Of course, this also explains why so many men and women have trouble with it.

How many drug addicts are able to quit cold turkey?

The Answer = Not A Lot

I have found that most of the clients I work with who actually try implementing the no contact rule will fight every step of the way to look for an excuse to break it.

Do you see where I am going with this?

And that is where birthdays come into play.

What Happens When You Break The No Contact Rule To Wish Your Ex A Happy Birthday

Lets switch gears for a bit and talk about the most likely outcome that will occur by breaking the no contact rule to wish your ex a happy birthday.

One thing that I am really big on when it comes to talking to your ex is mapping out his or her potential responses to your text messages.

I find it’s often helpful to do this fun exercise so you can make the most of your interactions with your ex and believe me that really matters because in the grand scheme of things you only have a small amount of chances to really rebuild attraction.

So, lets do this fun exercise with a happy birthday text.

Here is the scenario.

You have been in the midst of a no contact period for 12 days and it just so happens that your exes birthday is on day 13. You debate back and forth on whether you should wish them a happy birthday and ultimately decide on the fact that you should do it.

So, day 13 rolls around and you send the fairly basic “happy birthday text” looking something like this,

Now, the way I see it is that there are three ways that your ex can respond to this.

The Basic Response


This is the most basic response you will get (and probably the most likely outcome.)

People are hardwired to say “thanks, “thank you” or some variation to being told happy birthday and therein lies the problem. Why would you subject yourself to lessening your position for a “thanks.”

This is the best outcome you can hope for and that in and of itself is depressing.

The Negative Response

If you get this response then it is pretty clear that you shouldn’t have broken the no contact rule.


Because if your ex is literally sitting there and asking you,

“Hey, why are we talking?”

It clearly means that they are still holding some serious resentment towards you.

So, essentially what you will have done here is ended a no contact rule which has an added benefit of calming them down to have your ex tell you to f*ck off basically.

The No Response

For some reason I feel like I would fall into this category personally.

Some breakups cause people to use their own silence against you.

So, by wishing your ex a happy birthday and having them not respond to you it is their subtle way of letting you know,

“Hey, I saw your text but you are so beneath me I am not going to even give you the most basic response.

Ok, here is the point I am trying to drive home for you.

Breaking the no contact rule to wish your ex a happy birthday will do nothing to advance your position.

In fact, all it will end up doing is worsening it.

Nevertheless, I feel it would be short sighted of me to not take a look at the other argument.

The Final Conclusion: Should You Wish Your Ex A Happy Birthday

Here is a sad truth.

The “get your ex back” niche is full of shady characters.

They won’t give away any of their “tricks” for free (not that their tricks are anything revolutionary) and I feel like half of them are just scam artists.

Nevertheless, that doesn’t mean I haven’t made a few friends over the years.

On the contrary, I would say that probably one of the best friends I have made in this space is a fellow by the name of Brad Browning. Now, Brad is really interesting in the fact that he is one of the very few “breakup coaches” willing to put his face on camera which you will find is extremely rare in this day and age.

Anyways, a few months ago Brad came to me with this really interesting idea.

Hey man, how would you like to do a Brad Vs. Chris video where we take questions from our audience and give our perspective?

Needless to say, I was in!

So, we filmed this beauty together,

Now, what a lot of people don’t know about this is that we didn’t know how the other was going to answer the questions that were chosen at random and we found that we disagreed on one thing in particular.

Happy Birthdays!

No seriously, scroll to 16 minutes and 07 seconds into the video and you can hear me making my argument for the fact that you shouldn’t break no contact to wish an ex a happy birthday and you can hear Brad making his that you should.

Honestly, I think it is the most comprehensive talk that has maybe ever been done on the subject.

So, who is right?

Well, I am….

No, ultimately who is right is up to you (but I’m right 😉 .)

Let me just end by reiterating what I was saying in the video versus Brad.

I think it is a huge mistake to break the no contact rule to wish your ex a happy birthday.

Of all the things that you can say to your ex to get them to want you back “happy birthday” isn’t going to be it.

Instead, all breaking the no contact rule to wish your ex a happy birthday will accomplish is ruining any progress you have already made.

You will essentially be giving into your addiction of talking to your ex and lower the no contact rule’s effectiveness.

Just sayin!

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135 thoughts on ““Can I Text My Ex On His Birthday?” Let’s End This Discussion Right Now”

  1. Avatar


    February 13, 2021 at 4:29 pm

    I’m going on a week of no contact. She broke up with me in January on the 15th. I’ve tried my hardest to keep doing no contact and it ends up being broken because I miss her bunches. But last week I really tried it good and deleted her on all social media just so I wouldn’t really keep tabs on her. I’m doing better! But her birthday is coming up and valentines is a day before her birthday… Both days I would love to spend time with her. Unfortunately I think after reading this I won’t break it. I have no idea how to talk to someone about these problems and I’m kinda glad I found this artical. Thanks…

    We ended on good terms! but lots of crying… We were on 3 years about to be 4 this year. She was my bestfriend and we had two cats. But left them here. I’m also really scared of thinking of these scenarios where she will ask for her cat back. (storm, mines karma) but the reality is they are mine and I ‘ve been loving, feeding, and caring for them since she left. I found one and she found the other. She hasn’t been in touch with me and has been ghosting me for the past 2-3 weeks. I don’t want to say it but I need these cats and these cats need each other. They are best friends, I’d be more than heart broken if something happened to either one of them.

  2. Avatar


    February 12, 2021 at 2:23 pm

    My ex and I dated for 8 months. We lived together and broke up for nearly 2 months because of my anger. I texted her with anger that hurt her. She’s a very stubborn lady. I made 2 weeks NC and then initially contacted with her. She texted me cold and hot sometimes. We met up for coffee and dinner 3 times. She was a bit jealous when she asked about my love life. She said she needs time and space and consider me as a friend. I screwed up by rushing her when I came over her house trying to kiss her and she pushed me away hard. I begged and pleaded. She rejected anything I said. She said I should date the others and don’t look down my self esteem as she doesn’t need me to come back to treat her well because now she finds happy to be single to focus on working and meditation. She’s stressed cuz of her job so she got negative emotions. I texted her to apologize and now I’m in the 5th day of NC as I’m deciding to take 30 days NC. This time is Lunar New Year, should I text her for the wish and remain the NC?!
    Thanks so much!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 17, 2021 at 3:26 pm

      Hi Kim, no do not reach out you need to stick with your NC and from the information above your NC needs to be 45 days not 30.

  3. Avatar

    Roxanne Welch

    November 9, 2020 at 2:22 pm

    I haves dated my BF for 5.5 years. He broke up with me suddenly via an email. I think it is because he is interested in dating his neighbor. I was on day 33 of the 45 day NC period when my mom passed away suddenly from Covid. I broke the NC period to reach out to my ex. He was supportive and treated me like a damsel in distress. That seemed to work well for about a week and a half.

    However, here is where things took a turn. We have an upcoming vacation planned in a month that we had both paid money into. I took the opportunity of us texting and speaking on the phone to bring up the trip in conversation. He told me that he was “thinking of just going by himself”. I replied that I had been looking forward to this trip for months. (The trip is to another country that has been closed due to Covid.) We finally were getting the chance to go on the trip. However, he unilaterally decided I wasn’t going.

    I made the big mistake of following up our conversation by texting him how much this hurt me because I had been looking forward to the trip for many months. He of course never responded.

    Should I go back into a 30 day or a 45 day NC?? What do you suggest I do now? I feel so stupid.


    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 9, 2020 at 7:55 pm

      Hi Roxanne, you would need to go back into a no contact for 30 days – unless he gets into a new relationship which would mean you need to follow 45 days.

  4. Avatar


    November 2, 2020 at 9:24 pm

    My ex and I broke up 2 months ago and haven’t talked since (no contact). I miss him and want him back but don’t know where to start. We broke up because he had some mental health issues that he needs to deal with. Although I was super upset when we first broke up, I’ve come to think it was the right decision. He had some issues that probably couldn’t have been properly worked out if we were still together. When he was healthy, it was amazing between us. But for some reason, his mental health started to deteriorate. I don’t want him in my life if he isn’t continuously doing stuff to promote his mental health. I used to be super depressed and overweight, but I’ve made so much progress in the last year mentally and physically (60 pounds down! and my confidence has never been better) and I plan on continuing to make progress. To me, mental health is a continuous battle, stop fighting and you can be sucked back into your own negative thoughts. It’s his birthday today, I’m not going to reach out to say anything because I don’t want to deter his progress. I do, however, want to talk soon to see how he is and if he’s made any progress in bettering his mental health, but don’t know where to start.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 3, 2020 at 7:39 pm

      Hi Anne, as you are doing well and want him back then you are going to have reach out first to start your contact and build rapport.

  5. Avatar

    Emily D

    October 30, 2020 at 2:40 pm

    Hey I’m just starting to get back into the contact phase with my ex. He’s been responding very well so far but I’m taking it slow. Should I wish him a happy birthday?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 31, 2020 at 3:04 pm

      If you are in the texting phase, then yes you can send a birthday message. You need to have had a couple of conversations before doing this.

  6. Avatar


    October 26, 2020 at 10:08 pm

    Ex broke up a year ago after his birthday. He contacted me after break up and stayed in touch but I just didn’t want to be his friend, and he wanted to be my friend. I shared my feelings and said can’t be friends he did not step up to reconcile and pulled away for 3 months then I wished him happy birthday last week and he just responded “Thanks”, do I go no contact again with him? Shall I give him realistic time and space to initiate conversation? If so, how long?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 28, 2020 at 4:27 am

      Hey Kannch, we don’t recommend reaching out for a birthday text, as the “thanks” is generic and doesn’t get anyone interested in a conversation. Yes you need to NC properly, where you spend some time working on yourself, read articles and become UG. Then reach out with a text that Chris suggests in his articles.

  7. Avatar


    October 20, 2020 at 1:41 am

    I needed to see this. It’s his birthday today. I want to reach out but I’m in week 7 of no contact. It wasn’t implied, discussed, anything. I just know that it’s the best way to recover. I did slip up and send him a gift via his favorite store. Ugh!! I know!! But I haven’t contacted him today and this helped me remember why.

  8. Avatar

    Carol Hooper

    October 14, 2020 at 6:27 pm


    I haven’t seen anyone ask you this question yet. I have dated my boyfriend for over 5 years. He suddenly broke up with me via email. I am in the No Contact phase and doing well. I am doing the 45 day No Contact option. His birthday is a few days AFTER the No Contact period. Should I extend my No Contact phase a few more days and let him wonder why I am not contacting him on his birthday?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 15, 2020 at 5:25 pm

      Hi Carol, yes you extend your NC so that you pass his birthday, add an extra week of NC

  9. Avatar


    October 6, 2020 at 8:22 pm

    Hey, my just wished me a Happy Birthday, and he told me to take care as well. His birthday is coming up , should I wish him Happy birthday since he did to me ?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 7, 2020 at 11:39 am

      Hi Juli, it really depends on what you want to achieve. If you are following the program and are in NC then no do not reach out. If you are not interested in getting your ex back then you can reach out

  10. Avatar


    September 28, 2020 at 8:15 am

    Hello! So I dated a guy for 3 months. The first month, we dated seriously and then later on in the dating he got scared and told me we aren’t official but only dating casually and so there were many times when we argued etc and he got cold on and off many times.
    Anyway, we continued to date “casually” but everything we did was no less than dating officially. We met almost every day and called me every night and talked until we both fell asleep.
    But about 2 weeks ago, he went from texting me, calling me and living with me for about 15 days, he turned very very cold suddenly. We had a lot of arguments and he hurt me at some point so I started the Nc rule and that made him go crazy. He called me non stop, texted me and asked for my forgiveness and then eventually showed up at my door the day without informing me just to cuddle with me.
    We went up to my place and I asked him what he wanted from me, what exactly he wanted. I’m not sure if this scared him but he suddenly told me that I shouldn’t wait for him, he isn’t good for me cuz he has hurt me many times and as this became veru emotional for me to handle I cried of course, and surpeisingly he started crying too. A lot. Even after we went to bed, he cried again.
    And I thought ok, he is staying with me. But the days after he was very short in his messages and then when I asked what was up he said that he thinks we should go back to where we were and that he doesn’t know if he likes me enough. I only sent one shirt text after this and no more. I didn’t beg or anything.

    It has been 8 days since we talked. I haven’t sent him anything at all, even though yesterday was his birthday.
    So just because he considered our relationship “casual” does it mean the NC rule won’t work? What should I do? Should I just talk to him and wish him a happy birthday or wait?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 12, 2020 at 9:31 am

      Hey there, yes No Contact can still work but it means that you need to spend that time solely focusing on yourself to become the best version of yourself showing him what he has lost. Do not reach out on birthdays, you need to make sure that you do a solid 30 days No Contact

  11. Avatar


    September 22, 2020 at 8:32 pm

    The ex and I had contact beginning in June in text with him saying he needed to evaluate things. There was no contact until I wished him a happy birthday via text end of July. He did not reply. No contact until he texted me end of September wishing me a happy birthday. I replied back with thank you. What is happening? Lol

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 25, 2020 at 8:57 pm

      Hey there, it sounds as if he is being civil with you and sending birthday wishes as you did to him. If you want him back then you need to follow the program

  12. Avatar


    August 21, 2020 at 10:12 pm

    My ex and I were together for 3 1/2 years. The last 8 months of the relationship were troubled with him not knowing what he wanted so we were off and on. He broke it off saying we weren’t compatible. This was 6 months ago & there has been no contact from either party. It is his birthday coming up should I reach out?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 5, 2020 at 7:46 pm

      Hey Sophie while I get why you think birthday is a good reason to reach out, I would suggest that you dont do that as he would expect it and ignore your message. Or a generic thanks. Reach out with a text that Chris suggests in his articles

  13. Avatar


    July 12, 2020 at 4:50 pm

    My ex’s birthday was recently and he messaged
    Me at the end of that day and he was mad at me questioning me whether I ever cared for him cause I didn’t tell him happy birthday and he ended things with me ..

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      July 13, 2020 at 4:26 pm

      Hi Kelli, Im sorry I’m confused, if you were together then why didn’t you wish him a Happy Birthday? Or were you already broken up?

  14. Avatar


    June 12, 2020 at 5:09 pm

    My boyfriend of 3 years just broke up, last month. We have spoken a bit the last 4 weeks and he knows that I want things to work with him, he says he wants to as well but if we get back together right now it won’t work cause we both need to fix things and improve on ourselves (which is very true). Ive spoken time him a bit since the break up and spoke to him a few days ago and he basically said he does want to be together at some point, but needs to get things together. (if it’s meant to be it will) we caught up at one point as friends last week just to catch up about life. His birthday is in a few days, genuinely don’t know if I should say anything or if that will make it worse?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 12, 2020 at 8:53 pm

      Hi Rebecca if you are in regular contact then you can send a birthday message. However if you want him back, and want to follow this program you need to complete a No Contact

  15. Avatar


    June 11, 2020 at 8:06 am

    Can I text my ex on his birthday

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 11, 2020 at 1:24 pm

      No, do not send texts on Birthdays

  16. Avatar

    Ruchi Pawar

    May 24, 2020 at 12:47 pm

    I was insanely in love with this man. It started as casual relationship for 6 months but there was this insane chemistry between us. However we both got very sick and we had several arguments because in the end, more I was in love, more I needed him. More he was in love, more relaxed he was. He will make me wait whole day and sometimes more than a day to reply. I knew he was intensely attracted to me though. He decided to go on a break because we were running in circles arguing on same topic again. He stopped replying me 2 months ago. I didn’t message him either. I had to reach out after a month because my phone got hacked and I had to warn everyone including him. He did reply but I said I was upset about how he pretended that we never existed. He didn’t reply of course. Now its his birthday soon. I know I still love him and may be want him back one day. Its been 2 months of almost NC. Should I wish him? I don’t know if he ever will reach out because of his pride. But I know I want him back one day when I am at a more confident and better position.

  17. Avatar


    May 21, 2020 at 1:18 am

    I broke up with my EX 3 months ago, and after a month of no contact she reached out to me asking me if we aren’t friends anymore. So I was being polite and said no. After that, sometimes she would reply to my Instagram Stories and sometime I would do the same… It’s her birthday tomorrow, should I send her a birthday wish?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 29, 2020 at 10:48 pm

      Hi Alice, I would advise not to send birthday wishes. I would suggest that if you want you ex back that you start following the information in the articles and complete a No Contact from the last conversation you had and then the texting phase

  18. Avatar


    May 17, 2020 at 9:22 am

    This makes sense, my ex forgot my birthday, so why should I text him on his,? i ask myself. Plus we stop talking and is being 30 days, at this point idk what to do, I feel I lost him. Our situation is really complicated at this point cause we were together for 3 years, and now we live in different countries, we were talking almost every day, he refused to be in a relationship again saying he is really hurt and mentally he can’t cope again to the idea of coming back together. I did so much for this guy that I will need a huge space here to explain it, as we were talking I felt getting into a friendly zone with him and I told him this, we argued and I stopped texting, obviously he did too. We lost got marry but I rejected it cause he wanted me to sing a prenup, plus I was living with him and my visa in that country was expiring so I left the country and move to another one, got my job and I have my life back, but without him. This is so hard it aches my heart everyday. Idk what should I do or for how long keeping the non contact rule
    I will appreciate some help please
    Thank you

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 21, 2020 at 12:13 am

      Hi there Jennifer, you need to start the program, first step is working on your Holy Trinity and completing your No Contact

  19. Avatar


    April 23, 2020 at 8:04 am

    My EX left me before 5 months without giving me any reason, I didn’t contact her for 2 months from break up, that’s the last time we chat (so I didn’t contact her before 3 months until now).
    Her birthday after few days, should I send her HBD?
    *My birthday was 22 after break up, she didn’t send me any thing.
    Maybe she forget me but I still love her so much and I crying every day!
    I’m really rolling in my pain & don’t know what should I do!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 25, 2020 at 11:30 am

      Hey there no we do not suggest that you reach out on an exes Birthday

  20. Avatar


    April 23, 2020 at 5:47 am

    my boyfriend didn’t introduce me to his friends & family and so I had the feeling he is not sure about if he wants to be with me or not. I walked away for no contact and said he should get back to me once he took the time to think about and make a decision.
    4 weeks later out of the blue I just got a „happy Easter“ message – without any questions. I didn’t responded to this.
    Was that right? Should I still be waiting? It now passed 1,5 weeks since then.
    So no contact is since 5 weeks now…,

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 25, 2020 at 11:31 am

      Hey Jennifer, yes you were right not to answer the happy Easter message. As you have been in NC for 5 weeks now I would suggest that you start thinking of sending a text that Chris suggests from his articles though

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