At some point in the process of winning your ex-boyfriend back you are going to have to speak to him. Usually that means that you are going to have to call him when you are ready, giving you control over when the call happens. You calling him first is a great approach because you are in the driver seat which mean’s you can be prepared.

But what should you do if your ex-boyfriend calls you first……. Should you answer or ignore it?

This article is going to help you figure out if you should answer the call or not, and how you should behave when you speak to him.

The topics we are going to be covering are:-

  • The benefits of the No Contact Rule
  • Children
  • Co-habitation
  • The rule of four
  • How to behave on a call

When you are trying to win your ex-boyfriend back the general plan involves you reaching out to your ex. Normally you will start with texts and build enough rapport to progress onto phone calls and then eventually face to face meetings and dates.
However things don’t always work that way, sometimes an ex-boyfriend might call you first but the big question is…. Is it better to answer it or let it go to voicemail?

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

The Benefits Of The No Contact Rule

Everybody knows that I love the No- Contact rule. I love it because it gives you time to get yourself back, settle your head, and work on improving yourself. After a breakup emotions can run high and this is the case for you and your ex. Having a period of no-contact allows your ex’s negative feelings towards you to subside leaving behind a sense of nostalgia for the relationship that will make him miss you.

The deeper into the no-contact period you go, the stronger those feelings of nostalgia become, finally peaking at around the 21-30 day mark. Because your ex-boyfriend’s negative feelings and sense of nostalgia balance out between 3-4 weeks, we usually recommend to our Ex-Boyfriend Recovery community that they maintain a strict no contact period of no less than 21 days.

During those 21-45 days of silence your ex-boyfriend will see you going from strength to strength without him, wonder why you have not contacted him and become frustrated by the lack of attention you are giving him. This is exactly the effect you want to have on your ex-boyfriend if you want him to chase you and invest his time, money and effort into you…. All key components in the strategy to winning your ex back.

The no-contact period will be confusing for your ex, one moment he might feel happy and free, and the next moment he is feeling depressed. It is common for an ex-boyfriend to start calling and texting you for attention, validation, or even to start a fight amongst other reasons. It is better to let your ex continue to wait until the end of your 21-45 day no contact period to avoid falling into a make-up/break-up scenario, a friends with benefits relationship or having arguments that will damage your chances further. For this reason I believe staying in no-contact and ignoring your ex is often the best option if he calls you.

There are some exceptions where I think it is advisable to break the no contact rule and we are going to cover these next.

Children

If you have children with your ex then I definitely think you should answer if he calls. This reason is no brainer, his call could relate to anything from a breakdown in childcare right through to some kind major accident.

If you have children with your ex, always remember that a child has a right to have two parents if the opportunity allows. Maintaining low contact with your ex-boyfriend is permissible if you have children together, however you should keep correspondence to a minimum for at least 21 days.

Co-Habitation

If you still live with your ex-boyfriend then ignoring him for 21 days will be incredibly difficult and also make for an unpleasant living arrangement. If you live with your ex then I recommend low contact, rather than no contact for the sake of being civil. Your low-contact would allow saying hello, smiling, being pleasant and respectful….. The key point to remember however is that you are not friends. You are aiming to give off the impression that you are happy and unfazed by the break-up in all of your interactions but that you do not want to be his friend.

Because you live together your ex-boyfriend might need to call you in an emergency, when he does you should let it go to voicemail. Pick up the message and if it is an emergency then call him back. If he is calling for general chat, then you should ignore it and speak to him briefly when you get home.

Other Administrative Purposes

This would include things such as working together, sharing classes or needing to settle financial matter.

If your ex calls for any of these purposes I would generally class these as less urgent than having children together. If your ex-boyfriend calls I would let it go to voicemail and pick it up later on in the day. If your ex has a genuine matter than needs to be resolved then you can text him or email him back a few hours later in the day.

The Rule Of Four

There are several criteria that I would consider reasonable grounds to break no-contact……. BUT……. you are going to need to meet at least four of those criteria to accept your ex-boyfriends phone call. This is because on their own each of these criteria is not strong enough justification to break your no-contact rule.

I know you are going to be tempted to cheat here ….. so I am putting a lot of trust in you to show some discipline…. Don’t let me down

1. How long were you together?

If you and your ex-boyfriend were together a long time and this is your first breakup then I would say you have grounds to break no-contact.

If you and your ex-boyfriend had a relationship lasting less than a few months, then the fact you have broken up so soon is probably an indication that there are some bigger underlying problems to be addressed during your no-contact period. Where this is the case I recommend ignoring the call.

2. How many days into no-contact are you?

If you have only just started your no-contact period, then it is probably not a good idea to go ahead and break it straight away….

Remember your no-contact period is there to help you improve yourself, if you skip the time you have for self-improvement, the new relationship may well suffer from the same problems as
before…… and we don’t want you getting back together only to break-up again.

If however you are nearing the end of your no contact period and your ex-boyfriend reaches out to you, then you can consider answering his phone call.

If you are unsure whether you have completed enough of your no-contact period, I would suggest that if you have done ¾ of the time then you can answer his call.

3. Have you broken up before?

I want you to ask yourself a question…. Are you stuck in a make-up/break-up cycle?
The make-up/break-up cycle would be where you are constantly splitting up and getting back together but never really making any improvements in your relationship. Think of your typical on again, off again relationship….

That is exactly what the make-up break-up cycle is.

If you and your ex have had several breakups already and are stuck in an on/off relationship…….. then it is time to break the cycle. If you can identify with this then I strongly recommend that you undertake your full no-contact period and do not take his call as it is important to show your ex-boyfriend that you mean business.

However if this is your first breakup and your ex reaches out to contact you during your no-contact period, then you would have strong grounds to answer his phone call assuming you meet three other criteria.

4. Where are you in your personal recovery

This factor is really important. Speaking to your ex before you feel mentally ready can set back your progress by weeks. The last thing you want to do when attempting to get back on track and rekindle a relationship, is suffer a major backslide that might trigger needy or angry behaviour on your part.

Take time to think about how you felt immediately after the break-up and compare that to now.

  • Do you feel more emotionally stable?
  • Would talking to your ex make you feel like crying?
  • Do you feel capable to speak to your ex without begging to get back together?

Think about your own journey through self-improvement…. Are you able to say that you have significantly upgraded your lifestyle in a way that makes you happy?

If you feel that you can answer each of these questions positively (with no cheating) then you have good grounds to take his call. For those of you who perhaps are not yet ready, I would recommend staying in no-contact to avoid causing further damage by speaking to soon.

5. What caused the breakup?

This category is very broad, it covers the whole encyclopaedia of breakup reasons but I will attempt to cover the main ones.

In circumstances where your ex-boyfriend cheated on you then I would suggest you remain in no contact, think of your no contact period as a sort of punishment for his behaviour. If you break the no-contact period for an ex who cheated on you, then will teach him that you will easily forgive his infidelities, making him more likely to cheat again…. I think we can both agree that you definitely don’t want to give this impression to him.

If you broke up because of a long-distance relationship where the breakup was not so bad then I would suggest taking the call. My reason for this is that LDRs are very difficult and opportunities to talk or meet up are less frequent so you should take advantage of the situation if you feel ready to talk.

The last two types of breakup I want to cover are the Grass is Greener syndrome and the General Breakup. The Grass is Greener syndrome is where your ex-boyfriend grows disillusioned with the relationship and feels he could find a better girlfriend…… you and I know that is probably unlikely because you are awesome!

Finally, the general breakup is where you breakup for no particular reason, you just drift apart. Perhaps your ex felt that you weren’t suited for each other or he didn’t have time for the relationship, maybe he said “it’s not you, it’s me”…. Anything like that would be classed as a general breakup.

If your break-up was caused by either Grass is Greener syndrome or was a general break-up then I would recommend that you stay in no-contact as it is important that your ex recognises that there is a strong chance he could lose you; this is only going to happen if you are less available to him.

Other factors you might want to consider are how bad was the breakup….

  • Was civil or did it involve tears and tantrums?
  • Did you beg him to stay?

If your breakup was extremely painful then I would recommend staying in no-contact as the likelihood your ex is angry with you is much higher. This is because the level of pain experienced after a breakup is related to how much you felt for someone; the more you love someone, the more painful the breakup…. It makes sense really.

If your breakup was very painful then this indicates that the feelings between you and your ex were very strong…. these sort of feelings take a long time to settle down, so you should wait until the end of no-contact rather than answer his call as both your emotions will still be very raw.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

6. Who initiated the break-up

This factor is all about power…. and believe me if you hold the power then your chances of getting back together are a lot better.

If you broke-up with your ex-boyfriend then you most likely have the upper hand in winning your ex back. However if your ex-boyfriend ended the relationship with you then the situation is the other way around.

This factor is a tough one because if you dumped him then you don’t want to bruise his ego too much if he is making efforts to get you back. However…. If you broke up with him then its worth remembering that you must have had a good reason. Ask yourself if you feel your ex has changed and if he feels remorseful.

If he broke-up with you and is reaching out then it could be he is regretting the situation or it could be that he is trying to hook-up so you will need to evaluate all of his behaviour before making your decision.

7. How often has your ex-boyfriend contacted you?

This one is probably the most telling sign that your ex wants you back. If your ex has reached out to you several times by text or phone call in a positive manner, then you are seeing the beneficial effects of no-contact. If your ex has done this a few times over a period of a few days and is making a lot of effort, then you can answer his phone call if you can meet the “rule of four”

Notice how I said that your ex reaches out in a positive manner…… if your ex reaches out to you in a negative manner, perhaps he is angry or rude towards you then I would definitely suggest that you stay in your no-contact period. Remainining in no-contact will give him time to settle down and also stop him from saying more hurtful things towards you which could kill your confidence.

To help you figure out quickly if you can answer your ex’s calls I have drawn up a flow chart for you to follow….. just try to avoid cheating the system!!!
If you feel you want to cheat the system, then you probably aren’t ready to talk to your ex yet.

How Do You Behave On A Call?

If you do decide to answer your ex-boyfriend’s call, here are a few short pointers on how to behave when you speak with him.

Do’s

  • Be positive and upbeat.
  • Listen to what he has to say.
  • Talk about his interests.
  • Mention the exciting things you have been up to.
  • End the conversation on a high point.
  • Keep the call short .

Don’ts

  • Don’t discuss the breakup.
  • Don’t ask to get back together.
  • Don’t get emotional.
  • Don’t get into a fight.
  • Don’t ask if he misses you or is seeing someone.

Summary

We have established there are three criteria which will allow you to answer your ex-boyfriend’s phone call if he rings. The criteria we discussed were having children together, cohabitation, and administration purposes. Anything that doesn’t fall into those categories isn’t strong enough justification on its own to break your no-contact period so you will need to pass the Rule of Four.

I’m trusting you to show some restraint and not try to cheat the system as the no-contact rule is designed to help you heal after a break-up. The no-contact rule is such a fundamental part of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery programme that you should really only be breaking it in exceptional circumstances. If you feel in any doubt about whether you meet the criteria then I would recommend you stay in no contact as it is the safer option.

If you feel you meet the criteria to break no-contact and answer your ex’s calls, just remember to remain calm and positive on the phone to him. Try to avoid talking about the breakup, and finally end the call at a high point just as you would with a text message conversation.

What to Read Next

Why Does My Ex Talk To Me And Then Ignore Me?

By Chris Seiter | 0 comments

How To Make Him Want You Back

By Chris Seiter | 0 comments

How To Get Him Back If Your Breakup Was Mutual

By Chris Seiter | 0 comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

41 thoughts on “Should I Answer If My Ex Calls Me?”

  1. Avatar

    Lesego

    May 15, 2020 at 11:51 pm

    Well I dated this guy and he sent me a message to fix things and we did so as time went by after 2 weeks of fixing thing he lied to me and said he left girlfriend for me but only to find out he didn’t and it’s not the first time he cheats
    Last night he called and I answered and said am sleeping but that’s because I didn’t know it’s him and i cut off all communication with him that day I found out he cheated again to be honest i feel like he still cares about me or maybe am fooling myself ? One thing I realised about myself is that I look for him in every guy that I meet despite him cheating he brought me happiness and a reason to date but now as much as I say am happy without him I think I am lying to myself because I wanna convince myself that am done with him when I know am not

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 20, 2020 at 3:32 pm

      Hey L, this is upsetting for you and the other girl as he is playing games with both of your emotions and minds. I would suggest that you take a step back form the situation and assess it. How would you advise your best friend if this was happening to her? You say you are looking for this guys characteristics in other guys around you, where I would say be wary of that because if you continue to compare you are not going to match. No two people are the same. You need to date with an open mind, even if it takes time to meet someone who is going to get your full attention its better than being with someone who thinks its acceptable to cheat

  2. Avatar

    Janine

    April 9, 2020 at 2:34 pm

    I have been off and on with this guy for about 3 years. He doesn’t call for days and doesn’t respond to texts for days. I put all of the effort into the relationship as it pertains to communication. I think he cares for me because if I need anything, he’s there for me. Otherwise, he’s ghosty. He has no wife. No kids. I texted him and he didn’t respond but called me a week later. This behavior is unacceptable and I’m tired of it. I watched the phone ring out then I texted him saying “just seeing your call, hope all is well”. Should I continue to ignore him. I’m really close to giving up.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 9, 2020 at 9:24 pm

      Hi Janine, if you want something to change then yes I would treat him the way he treats you as you are not breaking up you sound more of a friends with benefits when HE decides its acceptable

  3. Avatar

    Hassan Ibn Hamid

    February 27, 2020 at 6:09 pm

    My girlfriend broke up with me after 9 years an(our relationship was like break up makeup relationship, she always cheats and I forgive her but this time told me she wants a break up I begged her to stay but refuse that she has gotten someone else, I did the no contact for about 6-7weeks then she pop up again to apologize I thought she was serious and we even had sex. But since there she will never call me and most at times refuses my call. I don’t no what to do whether to go back to no contact or what because she really doesn’t care atall

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 27, 2020 at 10:49 pm

      Hi Hassan if your girlfriend treats you this way repeatedly then she knows she gets away with it. I suggest that you ignore her for 45 days minimum and take some time to work on yourself and get over the poor treatment!

  4. Avatar

    Vanessa

    December 30, 2019 at 7:24 pm

    I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over 5 and half years and he decided to end things on Christmas eve. Weve gone through so much and in the beginning but push through because i knew he could change. This past year I noticed he became too comfortbale, I felt as if he was loosing feelings for me. My insecurities got the best of me and I ended up cheating on him. I told him I needed a break because I didn’t want to hurt him anymore but he begged me to stay and gave me a chance. He ended up finding out through my phone and was angry. Eventually he gave me a chance and we were okay for the next 4 months. Days before the breakup we got into an argument and I had said we need a break because I felt so guilty that I had hurt the one I loved the most. I haven’t eaten, im not happy knowing that I lost the love of my life. I turned my phone off for 2 days and he miss understood that for a break and went on a 2 dates with a girl and kissed her. He said it was best if we remained as friends. I was devisated. I went to mexico for 3 days and he called me at 5am because he was depressed and I answered. He said he had told all of his friends that we broke up and all of a sudden his feelings for me came rushing back and that he misses me. He wants me to seeing me when I come back but the next day he said that he doesn’t think we are right for eachother. I don’t know what to do anymore because I want him to trust me again and that I can change. We talked about marriage and kids and what our furture holds before all the time. I know I screwed up and if I could take it all back i would in a heart beat. I regret hurting him in that way and I want him to give me another chance to proof to him. Please help with any advice.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 3, 2020 at 4:51 am

      Hey Vanessa, so by the sounds of things a break would do you both good so do a No Contact and work on yourself for some time, insecurities and worries. Communication skills in a relationship too. In the mean time he can have a chance to really miss you and consider how good the relationship had been in the past and what you did have together. As we start to forget negatives and we start to focus on the positives.

  5. Avatar

    Stella

    September 6, 2019 at 4:38 pm

    I broke up with my boyfriend of 2month because I told him before I can have sex with him we have to go for HIV test which he agree,but along the line I had sex with him without going for the HIV test .I told him we have to go for the test he refse I was so angry and end the relationship.i had to stay away from him no contant for 1months two week ,he just called me telling how he miss me and he would love to see me what should I do .

  6. Avatar

    Stella

    September 6, 2019 at 4:29 pm

    I broke up with my boyfriend of 2month

  7. Avatar

    Christy

    May 27, 2019 at 6:05 pm

    Hi please can you check my story I need a response please I sent it two days ago thanks

  8. Avatar

    Christy

    May 26, 2019 at 6:10 pm

    Hi,
    Me and my ex boyfriend met just 2 months ago on Instagram so we talked for about 3 weeks and decided to meet up so he flew me out to meet him for just 4 days he wanted me to stay for a week but I declined and stay for just 4 days . So after I returned back home given he lives in Europe he called me and said that if I can be his girlfriend I accepted. And into 1 month and half into dating he said he loved me and I should make time ASAP so that I can come visit him again. Because he runs his own business in Europe and I just work for someone else in the sates so we decided for the first two trips I will be the one traveling till his business gets in great standing and the third one which will be by September of this year he will come visit me in the states or we can both travel to Dubai . So back track a lil bit when we first accept to be official boyfriend and girlfriend I stopped talking to other plp and he said him too stop texting or replying the other plp he was talking to before he met me. So I believed him. 3 days before his birthdays a Thursday he texted me that his going to be doing a lot of work that day so even if I call I don’t get him he will call me back .

    Mind you before that day we used to talk like 5 times or more a day and even with that we usually text back and forth the whole day plus and lot of FaceTime calls. We will be on the phone till he will falls asleep and I will want to hang up but he will say no forcing himself to talk to him that’s how much close we were.

    So on this day he only texted me once and no calls from him and when I called him he did not pick up. So I went to his Instagram and saw that he posted a video of just himself in a boat going to an island and another video of him in a restaurant just by himself nobody else in the video. So as a girl that have been cheated on before I knew something was not right . So I started digging on his page of the Gals that normally likes his pics and then boom after couple searching I saw a girl posted him on her own Instagram stories with them on the boat and at the restaurant drinking wine and making a cheers and another video of them just laughing about stuff together. So when I saw that I saved the video and I started calling him . I called him like 10 times he never picked up his phone not even once.the whole night I called him he did not pick up his phone. So I sent him a text “ I hope whoever you are with is worth it for you to treat me like this , now i see your true colors “

    The next day when it was around 5pm there time he called me on video and started lying that he was going through some stress with phone plus his WiFi and went to the consulate and he left his phone . And that I should stop assuming that he was with someone else who the hell is that person that will make him not pick my calls … was just going on and on . So I said stop lying now am scared of you just wait let me play you a video so that you can see exactly wr you at yesterday since you’ve forgotten wr you at. When I showed him the video he just hung up the phone and then after 2 minutes he called on FaceTime but he was not showing his face then he said “ I fucked up am ashamed of myself I can’t even look at you am sooo sorry “ he said he was talking to her before we met so he decided to go back to his ways of not being in a relationship wr he can do watever he wanted but he knows his wrong and he promises not to ever let me down again . He said “Am so used to being single for years , i didn’t expect to fall for you to the point of love before he I met you but when i met you I really care for you I want you to be my woman . So I thought I was ready but I will change. am so sorry.

    I cried a lot because he hurt me .

    Mind you it was his birthday so before he got caught he mentioned if I wanted to come visit for his birthday he will get my ticket again I refused because am working so I told him I will make it up to him end of June by coming to visit for a week.

    So I talked to him 2 days after I caught him because he will call me like 20 times a day if not more plus he will text me how sorry he is and ashamed that I should give him another chance have not seen the best of him yet.

    So starting today have started the NC rule with him , he has called me 8 times already and texted me 3 times the last text was “ so you not picking my calls anymore? “
    Because yesterday I conversation ended up breaking up with him and then I hung the phone but I was very calm when breaking up with him I told him I don’t trust him and it’s very hard to get past this.
    Really I still love him and I will hope that he will change like he said so that we can be together because realistically he is the only man that have been with that’s treats like a princess with love and his so proud of me to his friends and brother. Always asking me if am okay ? If I need something ? And he is the first guy that made me so comfortable around him that I took off my make up because I have a lil bit if ace scars that did not say anything bad about it instead he said “ I still look beautiful regardless “ But the part that he cheated so quick in the relationship got me thinking really hard.
    So wat should I do ? Should I still do the NC rule or keep talking to him to figure things out please help me out ASAP thanks I appreciate

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 27, 2019 at 8:38 pm

      So this is a close call. Ummmmm. Maybe trying reaching out in response to his efforts to contact you and try to rebuild the trust. Think in terms of little steps.

  9. Avatar

    Rosa

    May 1, 2019 at 6:58 pm

    This is an awesome blog! Thanks!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 2, 2019 at 1:15 am

      Thanks Rosa!

  10. Avatar

    Sarah

    December 9, 2018 at 5:34 pm

    Hi, I started no contact with my ex who I live with just over 3 weeks after the break up. On day 2 of it he asked to watch TV with me. The next day he text me to apologize, he said he’d been feeling sad that day but knows it’s inappropriate now to want to spend time with me. On day 4 I left to stay with my parents and left him a goodbye note wishing him well for the future. He then text me later that day thanking me for the note, saying he’d enjoyed our relationship and memories together, he told me he was completely miserable, and apologized for any pain he’d caused me. On day 7 of NC he rang me at 10:30pm but I didn’t answer. I text him the next morning to say I hadn’t been able to answer because I was out with friends and just wished him well. He text back 4 hours later saying he was fine and hoped I was too. I’m very very confused by what’s going on. Why can’t be leave me alone to let me move on? Any advice?

  11. Avatar

    Emma

    October 22, 2018 at 2:46 pm

    My bf ended our relationship, we have been together 14 years and 3 kids..he walked out o. Us 4 weeks ago but still keeps texting and phoning saying he wants to see the kids,but when he does he comes at night ,stays for 2 or 3 nights then hez gone again ..please help me with nc because I want him back but Dont want him walking all over me

  12. Avatar

    Natalie

    April 17, 2018 at 4:01 am

    I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year plus. Everything was all great and well until his dad actually saw a couple picture of us on facebook (we just got together that time). His dad doesn’t like me from the first glance without knowing me and asked my boyfriend to leave me just because he couldn’t accept me as his girlfriend. Under family pressure and all, my boyfriend decided to leave me and chose his family over me. We had a heartache breakup because both of us still love each other and he still takes care of me very well. After the breakup, we still texted each other on a daily basis until one day I couldn’t bear with being just friends with him and I choose to have “no contact” with him ever since. But he still keep texting me and calling me to know my whereabouts because I’m all alone in the city. I left my hometown and staying in the city for quite some time already. I’m not sure under such circumstances do I still have a chance to get back together with him because I hope he can change his mind that he will regret for leaving me instead of trying to convince his dad to accept me and at least meet me in person before his dad trying to put any other judgment on me. What should I do now?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 17, 2018 at 11:27 pm

      HI Natalie….that’s too bad the Dad acted that way….very judgemental….not cool at all. Natalie, I think you would benefit from my ebook, Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro. You can learn more by clicking my website Menu/Products link. There is so much info in it, much more than I can give your here. I think your chances are quite good. You need a plan and need to understand some texting tactics you can employ. You can’t control what his Dad thinks or says, so don’t worry so much about that. Focus on your ex recovery plan.

  13. Avatar

    Jlynn

    March 16, 2018 at 6:07 pm

    My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for a year and a half. During this time, I was taking him back and forward to work and everywhere else he wanted to go. He just purchased a car and no longer needed me to take him anywhere. I asked him what’s going to happen with our relationship. He said, we have no relationship and we were just friends. I clearly got mad and ended what I thought was a relationship. He sent me this long text message apologizing for leading me on. Lately, he has texted me and call me which I have not answer. It’s only been 7 days. What should I do?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 17, 2018 at 4:05 pm

      Hi Jlynn,

      So you were never gf and bf?

  14. Avatar

    minchin

    January 20, 2018 at 6:59 am

    Hi there, I think I made a mistake and I feel bad about it.
    It’s been 5 months since my former boyfriend dumped me for someone else. And that’s the same time we did not have any communication at all. Fast forward, he sent an emoji to my facebook messenger last December to which I just ignored. This January, he sent another message how I was doing. I said ” doing fine, thanks, I hope the same for you.”
    He responded right away with “thanks.” and asked me if I still work in the same place.
    I responded only after a day with a plain “yes”. and he just replied to me with “?”- a question mark. i sent back that question mark to him and now he just seen it.
    questions and doubts:
    – I think I lost the stand off and the no contact.
    – I think it was maybe his new girlfriend that has access on his messenger that replied to me.
    -If not, what was he thinking? just replying with a question mark after I answered him…
    I am really confused. 🙁
    Please help! thank you so much in advance!

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 21, 2018 at 5:29 am

      Hi Minchin,
      We don’t know if it was really him or his ex but if it was him, you didn’t really “lose” because you just sent back he did but you shouldn’t have answered in the first place too if you are moving on…

  15. Avatar

    mary

    January 8, 2018 at 1:56 am

    hello,

    Its been two years since my ex broke up with me and i knew why he did. I knew there was someone else he was interested in but i didn’t say anything. I asked him if there was someone else and he said no. But anyways when he broke up with me he clearly told me that I needed to heal and there was no friendship there. Then 5 months later he sends me a text that says “Hope all is well. My thoughts and prayer are with you.” Then the beginning of the following new year he reaches out in various occasions through text, WhatsApp calls and FaceTime me on valentines day obviously i never responded. Then he tried calling once in August and then he stopped. Then this new year just a few days ago he called me twice through WhatsApp and here is the kicker he has a girlfriend. The same girl he was talking to when he broke up with me. What i don’t understand is why is my ex reaching out when he has a gf and told me to heal and there was no friendship. Plus after no response from me whatsoever. What does he really want with me? My life is none of his business anymore we are not even friends because it wasn’t even a mutual breakup.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 9, 2018 at 9:53 pm

      Hi Mary,

      he probably misses some aspect of his relationship with you before.. maybe because his relationship now is past the honey moon period, but.. that doesn’t mean he wants you back.. because if he wants to you back, he has to do it the right way by being single first before talking to you again.. That’s good that you’re not replying to him..

  16. Avatar

    Autumn

    October 30, 2017 at 1:42 am

    One thing to keep in mind that I’ve seen in articles here, is that you are not his girlfriend yet, he does not owe you a text or call every single day.

    That was a hard one for me, (we have been apart several years and I was thrilled and ecstatic when he called again) I’m still working on it. In my case, we got up to where we text several times a day with several phone calls for almost a week or more straight and then he will do a day or two of silence. I think of it as him just processing everything. When he does call / text, I make him wait a half day or a day after his day or two of NC. When I do answer the text / call I AM ALWAYS PLEASANT. Those NC periods of his are getting shorter and shorter. He is learning.

    As my best friend said “You have to think about the whole game, not just this quarter”. You have NO right to be defensive. Actions speak louder than words, always remember that.

    My ex has changed in his whole demeanor, his words, everything. I didn’t actually think it was him until he called me and I recognized his voice. LOL. Hang in there, their true colors and intentions WILL show through eventually.

  17. Avatar

    Fitbit

    October 29, 2017 at 1:50 pm

    I wrote a comment earlier but I think I accidentally deleted it before posting it so I hope this doesn’t end up being redundant. My ex broke up with me about a month ago after 4 years of being together (we have broken up twice before, got back together and I admittedly had not changed anything so I’m sure is the cycle mentioned in this article). We were living together, and I moved out three weeks ago now and have been in NC ever since. We have a daughter together but since I am staying with my mother we have been able to use her as a liaison so have been able to be in full NC as opposed to limited NC. I told him the day I moved out that I was going to need some time away from him and that I did not want to see or talk to him for a while and he has honored that. I am still good friends with his mother and she has told me that he has told her he often misses me and wants to reach out but doesn’t because he knows he shouldn’t. We go to the same gym and until a couple of nights had not run into one another. The other night he showed up while I was in the tail end of my workout, and I honestly didn’t notice he was there until I looked down and saw a text from him asking if I wanted him to leave the gym bc he didnt want to make me uncomfortable. I thought about using the opportunity to send a nice bubbly response (something indicating i didnt mind him being there but in a cut way and then just going about my workout) and potentially use that as an intial NC icebreaker to start building rapport since it has been three weeks, but then decided against it and just ignored the message and finished my workout. I’m wondering now if I did the right thing or if I should have used the opportunity like I mentioned. I definitely feel like I have improved and have realized now the things I should have changed during our relationship and have been actively working to change them. I do think I have a number of things I’d like to accomplish before revealing the “new me” however, and he had some things he would need to work on to make our relationship successful as well but while we both need to be in a different place to start a relationship again do we need to be there yet to stop NC? Anyway, right now I’m just wondering if I did the right thing at the gym and if he reaches out with something else similar later should I respond next time?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 31, 2017 at 6:57 pm

      Hi,

      You can stop nc at 30 or 45 days and then start slowly building rapport while continuing improving yourself…

  18. Avatar

    Macy

    October 25, 2017 at 8:04 am

    i broke my bf for 2 years after 3 days i went to him begging. He said for now he should be the dominant partner as i was one before. at first he did not admit that he has a new girlfriend of 10 years younger than he is. I am older than my ex-boyfriend. he just told he that he want space & freedom but he will still be around for me. but after 2 months of my suffering, i saw a kissed marked on his left chest, on a second he denied it but after a while he admit his girl is pregnant. it darkened my days and post a threat on my career. then he cant leave the girl he is committed and said will commit to me too. I agreed our situation. i have mon-thurs of his time that if he is not busy with other things he visit me and the girl have him fri-sun. during those 3 days he wont answer any call or text and even put his phone off. This situation has been going on for almost 4months now and i have a feeling that i cant win him back because he is also committed to the other girl. 5 days ago i went to NC rule but he kept calling and texting me telling me he missed and loved me still. Just yesterday night he picked me up for a jog in the park. this morning he fetch me to work. what should i do? I cant anymore bare our set up that the girl can automatically visit him in his place while i cant because he dont want me to know where he lives now. Its killing me everyday knowing they are together every weekend, but his text always said he will love me always. if i wont pick his call or answers his text he get mad at me and angry. if txt him back, we would be silence for hours and sometimes don’t answer me. He has a fixed job and i got him as my agent as part timer and i was his manager. as i cant keep focus on my work i was reprimanded and demoted. now i am an agent and it worked best for me coz i have no reason to call him to follow up for his production. but what should i do, he is friend of my bro now and he knows where i live, if i will continue the NC rule, or should i just be friendly with him. I already made it clear that i cant do the things the we did before as girlfriend boyfriend but he would insist that he loves me still. Can he love us both? i don’t even know the girl? i am really confused please help.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 28, 2017 at 7:21 pm

      Hi Macy,

      To be frank, it’s either you break up with him or he breaks up with her.. We get what we allow..

  19. Avatar

    Nise

    August 21, 2017 at 8:51 pm

    Hi there!! I have a huge question!! What if he starts opening up and saying he misses me before schedule?

    He sent me a text on like day 15 of nc where he said a friend in common said it was too bad i left the band (a band we had together and i left it for musical reasons) and then sent me a youtube link to a song (sleep- the dandy warhols). I ignored him all the way throuugh although I could have broken NC according to the rule of four. I kept up with NC 30 days and finished succesfully.

    I am now on day 3 of the texting part, but ever since day 1 he has been really affectionate with me. I haven’t seen what he texted me today, but I am wondering…what happens if he starts calling me, wanting to see, me, get back together before I even get to the phone calls part on day 15???

    Should I answer his texts/calls?? Go on dates or see each other if he initiates?? How should I react???

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 22, 2017 at 10:02 pm

      Pace it.. because if he is missing and you give it all in one go, he’ll easily take you for granted.

  20. Avatar

    Marta

    August 8, 2017 at 8:02 am

    So my boyfriend ended things with me on Sunday. We had been doing long distance for 6 months until the middle of June, when I moved to his city as I got an office transfer. We get along like a house on fire but I’ve been suffering from anxiety and depression – which is part of the reason I moved to a new city, to get a bit of a refresher. Unfortunately, the anxiety did put a strain on the first month of me being here, as I was not keen to hang out with his friends or sometimes even come to dinner, as we were staying at his parents (the market is terrible in Perth, so he lives with his mum for the time being and rents his own house out).

    About a month ago and a month in to me living in his city, he told me things weren’t working and he wasn’t happy. I begged him to stay with me for at least the next month, because he is actually moving to Sydney for work this Sunday for up to 5 months (he is shooting a reality show here).

    Anyway, the past month has been a lot better – I’ve been more positive and focused on my self improvement. I also moved out into my own place, which was always the intention when I moved here. So I guess I thought he would reconsider and we would continue our relationship once he went away to Sydney.

    However, sadly on Sunday he told me that while he loved me, he wasnt in love, and thus couldnt promise me a committed relationship while he was away. He did say he wanted to stay in contact and that I could visit him or he would visit me in Melbourne (I am moving back in a few weeks, as I miss my friends too much to stay in Perth). But for the most part, we were over. He said we should let fate decide and go our separate ways. This is despite planning to see me tomorrow and on the weekend, before he leaves.

    I’ve been thinking and I just want to end contact for at least 30 days. I don’t want to see him this week or before he leaves. He’s been messaging me today, saying he feels sick, and has mentioned me in a funny video on Facebook. But all in all – I just don’t know if it’s worth pursuing, so I haven’t responded.

    My main question is – I have some of his possessions still and was intending to give them back this week, but now don’t know how to during NC. Can you give me any suggestions? And considering we really got on very well, do you think this relationship is worth salvaging? Considering he told me he isn’t in love?

    1. Avatar

      Marta McCormack

      August 10, 2017 at 3:25 pm

      I’ve also got another update – I haven’t contacted him for about 3 full days now, and he’s continued to message me.

      After 3 messages last night asking if I was coming to see him this weekend for a dinner party (as his girlfriend until he leaves for Sydney, which I find particularly hurtful), I haven’t replied. He’s spaced the messages out in 20 minute blocks so clearly was feeling concerned I wasn’t replying. Just earlier I received another one saying he takes my silence as a no, but wants to know if I’m okay.

      I don’t know what to do. I really do want to see him but I don’t think it’s conducive to a happy ending. He does seem keen to see me and hear about me. But it’s probably not enough to break NC so early on.

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 10, 2017 at 4:57 pm

      because he wants to friendzone you.. so, yes, stick to nc.

    3. Avatar

      Marta

      August 10, 2017 at 3:12 am

      Thanks Amor. I totally agree – although he says his feeling about me has never changed, it’s stayed constant. If he does ask for the possessions back, I’ll make the meeting about that only.

      I have a bigger problem on my hands now, because he leaves for Sydney next week for up to 5 months, and last night we were meant to catch up. He’s been texting me constantly, asking if I’m going to see him before he goes, asking me to a dinner party and to attend as a couple. I’m really hurt because why would he want these things but not me in general? Seems like he wants everything his way. I worry that continuing NC, as I have been doing for the past 3 days, will just alienate him more.

    4. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 9, 2017 at 3:11 pm

      If it’s really important, it’s ok to give it to him during nc just make the meet about that only. Don’t talk about the relationship nor feeling. If he just fell out of love, it’s a matter of attraction. So, it will depend on how much you improve during and after nc and how much you can rebuild rapport and attraction.

1 2